Crackerjack (2002) - full transcript

When dwindling membership and increasing overheads makes a local bowling club and prime candidate for a takeover, it's all hands on deck to save the club, in what turns into an epic battle where young meets old, greed meets good and people rise to the occasion in extraordinary circumstances.

[upbeat music]

(male narrator)
There ain't no place
like the south.

We call it "God's Country."

And not because
somebody decided

to spread the Bible Belt
around it.

Now, we believe
that the almighty chooses

the wild and foolish stuff
of this life to confound

even the wisest of folks.

You don't have to drive too far
to find chainsaw carvings

boiled peanut stands.

There's a chicken house
turned into a flea market.

There's the rural town they
turned into a Bavarian village

as an excuse to sell beer
and funnel cakes, a big chicken

or the 150 foot water tower
in the shape of a peach

that people keep mistaking
for a giant butt.

Well, this tale spotlights
one of them southern oddities

and his name
is Bill Bailey IV.

(female #1)
'Even trade, right?'

You got the papers?

Known around these parts
as Crackerjack.

* Ain't a little girl
she's a little in love *

* Used to love me
now she don't no more.. **

Oh, I'm sorry.
This is, uh, a vital asset.

My investment portfolio.


Get back here right now and
bring this man his baby doll.

His story is what I'd like
to call a Southern Fairytale.

I used to think
it was a folktale.

That wasn't until I learned
that in folktales

characters use their brains

to get out of their

and I can assure you
that none of the characters

in this tale will be
using their brains.

So, once upon a time.. a land,
far to the south..

...there was
a damsel in distress

a little person, and a curse

that was thought to be
good and bad.

[country music]


No, thank you.


Well, I made you a small..

Um, pie.

I hope you're
not allergic to nuts.

That's not necessary, thank you.

Good, there's a patch
of pecan trees behind us

so I figured
"Waste not, want not."

Like the Bible says.

Actually, that's not
in the Bible.


Oh, do we get
one of these?

After you've completed
the course.

One should take driver's ed

in order to get
the driver's license, so..

Mama says, men are the ones
who need help driving

women just need to know
how to get them in gear.


'Course she's on fifth gear.


Should we start without..

Oh, yes, sir.
I was just waitin' on you.

Oh. Okay.

I usually begin by getting
both sides of how you met.

Ooh, fifth grade.

Miss Figgly's class.

I whispered, "Piggly Figgly"
real loud in class.

He raised his hand
and took on my punishment.

I knew that day
he might be the one.

'Course then he popped
the question.

* My true love

* Is a blue-eyed daisy

* She sure enough

* Sends me crazy

* My honeybee

* My honey..


* My honeybee *

And we've lived
happily ever after.


What's your fiance's name?

Oh, sorry.

Bill Crackerjack Bailey IV.


As in a person or thing of
exceptional quality or talent.

He actually named
himself Crackerjack

'cause it was
a good baseball name.

His daddy loved ball.

Like father, like son?


Uh, I mean, n-no.

His daddy left.

[engine whirring]

'The Bailey men have been
sorta cursed that way.'

* My heavenly home
is bright and fair.. **

They all go out
for beef jerky and..

* Nor pain nor death
can enter there.. *

'Course we've never spoken
about any of this.

His mama told me.

He don't like to dwell
on the past.

* I feel like travelling on

* Nor pain nor death
can enter there.. **

So playing ball
is a coping mechanism

for him to escape the pain
of his father's abandonment?

I need to write that down.

I imagine he still plays ball.

A little.

He actually is an entrepreneur

and a collector
of invaluable treasures.

It's all just a matter
of time for him.

I just don't wanna be
one of those women

who prods her man.

Sometimes, we men
need a jolt.

You should write that down.

Say, you've been engaged..

Oh, um..

Uh, 20 years,
five months and..

I use this to keep count.

Oh, Lord, I have not taken..

Oh, Lord.

Um, not that we're..

That as allowed, we have been
living together as friends.

Oh, Lord, he is gonna shoot me.

And he's non-violent.

Dang it. Dang it!
Dang it. No.

He's marriage material,
I promise. I..

Wait, what if Crackerjack comes?

He won't. He plays
softball on Fridays.


It's Saturday.

He plays softball then too.

[instrumental music]

(male narrator)
So while our damsel
went home to discover

whether they had procreated

our hero...recreated.


You're like the circus de
friggin' solei of softball.

You should go pro, CJ.


Softball doesn't define me.

Scared Hitless is playing
sons of pitches at five

and Laney needs
players like this.

Then Dave with nine inch
mouth's at five pitch

to play all of us,
that's a seven.

Dodge is gunning
at six o'clock.


You bring your, uh, thing?

I brought mine.

Oh, Lord. Please do not tell me
you're doin' that here.

- Not those--
- They're collectibles.

Right, right.

No, not here.
Come on.

Keep moving.

Hey, you need a real job.

You need to grasp the idea
of investment income.

Oh, I grasp the idea
that your only form of income

is Sherry's pie sales.

Oh, can't a man have his refuge?

- What's her name?
- Connie Lynn.

- Connie Lynn meet Luby Chuck.
- Hold up.

There's no cash being
exchanged here?

Matter of time.

Didn't you ever collect
baseball cards as a kid?

Yeah. Keyword, kid.

Dang it, woman,
that's why we have children.

- To weed eat.
- Here, just to make it fair.

I got some
good quarters here

some collector's items
right there.

Oh, whoa, Alaska?

I do not substitutionarily cuss
when I'm drinkin'.

You're gonna be around later
Masterbatters could use one.

Hey, whoa, whoa, Jimmy.

Let's not forget
that playoff game.

That was three years ago, Ray.

In a city league.

History always repeats itself.

You need to show
some love to Jimmy.

Jimmy plays with Masterbatters.

He can show love to himself.

Once a Masterbatter,
always a Masterbatter.

No, that's not true.

Things can change.

Like what?

What if you
won the jackpot?

The jackpot would change you

and history
would not repeat itself.

Nope. Wouldn't change a thing.

Confucians say

"No matter where you go,
there you are."

What the hell does
a fortune cookie have to do--

What? What are we
talkin' about anyway?


Bobby with Balls of Steel
wants us.

[cellphone beeps]

Hey, what is Sherry
doin' texting you?

- Give that.
- "I love you."

(male narrator)
Call it male intuition

but we men have a way
of spottin'

a woman's smoke signal
a mile away.

You ain't leavin' us, are you?



Yeah. No.

[instrumental music]

* Oh won't you
come home Bill Bailey *

* Won't you come home

* Hit 'em on home *

[dag barking]

Where you been?

Pickin' flowers for you.

CJ, you know I planted
those this mornin'.


I-I texted I love you.

Not I want you.

I love you.

I love you too.

No, you don't.
You love softball.


Uh, no.

I hate softball.

You love it.

What's wrong?

Nothin' is wrong.
What's wrong with you? Nothin'.

wrong with us.

I guess I'm nesting.

Are we expecting someone?

Yes. No, don't leave.

I mean, no. The place is filthy.
We need a budget.

Oh, Lord.



'Oh! Send it back.'

Ugh! Run away.
That is..


Oh, come on.


Okay, just tell me, what..

to my foosball table?

I rearranged.


Oh, n-now, we pledged
not to converse after 11--

Are you pro-life or pro-choice?

As in we never
talk politics and such.

I love you.

Piggly Figgly.

Don't make fun of fat people.

[instrumental music]

And I'm pro-sex life.

(male narrator)
And with one sure act of libido

Crackerjack was certain
that he had calmed

whatever storm was raging.

I need to leave.

[instrumental music]

Just when a man thinks
he's out of the woods

You know what they say..

"If the tree falls
in the forest

"it's liable to hit you."

[guitar music]

Go get it, Bitty.


Go get it.

[knock on door]

I need my money.

I told you,
I'll get it soon.

I need it now.

Wait a second.

[dog barking]

'Get back, Bitty.'

You need to fix your dog.

He made puppies down the street,
and they are ugly.

Hand it over, Richie Rich.

Oh, uh..
That ain't money.

That is a treasure trove
of high numismatic value.

Oh, here.

This pecan log is worth

twice as much
as those thin mints.

I ain't gettin'
no barter badge.

- 'Is your girlfriend here?'
- Yeah.

- Maybe.
- Not.

I'll be back.

[thunder rumbling]

[telephone ringing]

'Prepare for our weapons
of man destruction.'

'Losers never win.'

Hey. Some girl came by
wantin' some logs.

Uh.. She said yours was
better than Stuckeys.

I told her you'd be back..


Uh, well, I better go,
I got a, uh, a ball..

...bearing. It's loose.

Call me.

- The sun is out.
- What happened?

He needs to protect
the greens.

This ain't the Masters, Ned!

You gotta go.

Whoa, Ned, Ned.

Hey, Ned.

You're gonna walk away
from your helm?

Leaving these men
without a life boat?

I need my softball today, Ned.
I need it bad.

Look who dodged our bullets.

Dodged you, Clay.

You forfeiting, Bailey?


[tires screeching]

Do you know the difference
between a boy and a grown man

when it comes to trespassin'
on to a muddy field?

Yeah, me neither.

Ball two. 2-0.

What's red, Bailey..

...and has a way
of gettin' all over you?

Just pitch it.

Son of a..

Georgia Clay!



At least I know my daddy.

Which one?

* Won't you come
home Bill Bailey *

* Won't you come home

* Won't you come
home Bill Bailey *

* Won't you come home

* Won't you come home

* Won't you come home now *

- This is our battlefield, Ned.
- Mm-hm.

Where we assume the roles
of noble Warriors of Old.

We must skirmish here
to fight another day

as men in the real world.

Now, you ain't gonna deprive us
of our nobility, are ya?

Dang it!

My wife's gonna have me
puttin' up friggin' beadboard.

Mine'll have me antiquing.

You ain't got a wife.

Mamma likes the knick-knacks.

Mine will..

I gotta go.

[indistinct singing]

I'm returning your call.

'I didn't call.'

You, you can come back.

I'm swearing off
softball forever.

'Don't pee on my baby's leg
and tell her it's raining.'

'Momma, get off the phone.'

'CJ, did you see
my note and all?'

No. Yeah.

[tires screeching]

* nothin'

* But a burnin'
what I never knew *

* Darlin' it ain't so bad

* Livin' with nothin'

* When nothin' is
greater than two *

[guitar music]

(male narrator)
Just like that, our hero
stumbled into a place

he hadn't been to
in a long time.

* Me and you
* Me and you *

[instrumental music]

[tires screeching]


[knock on door]

I told you
you little half-pint vulture.

I ain't got the money.

Good morning.

We're with
the visitation committee

from Second United
Community Church.

Welcome to the family, Bill.

I feel like I wanna..

After last night, we felt it
our duty to ensure you got

your wheels back under you.

Last night?

Dude, can I pee indoors?

Where's your bride?

- Who?
- Your betrothed.

The lady of the lodgment.

She's, uh, temporarily
predisposed to-to being

incapacitated elsewhere.

Our shut-in committee
can bring over a casserole

or two until she gets
to feeling better.

- That's awful kind--
- Outdoor foosball?

That's just temporary. I..

Two on two.
Let's do this, bro.

Sit down.

You know, parts of last night

are a-a bit obscured
from my recollection.

Hopefully, Bill, not the part
where you walked the aisle

and accepted
Jesus as your Lord and Savior.

You joined the church,
and you checked this box.

You see, Bill, our church
likens ourselves to a body

and we're the parts of the body.

Bucky here is
the cerebrum of our corpus

as the associate pastor

and I'm the senior pastor
and I fancy myself

the heart, however I could
pass as the stomach.

Now, Paul and Boomer
are the hands and feet.

They were kind enough to take
you home last night.

You might be an eyeball,
or an ear, or spleen.


We're ready to graft
you in, brother.

I-I am obliged.

However, I don't feel

quite worthy of being


Uh, Bill, I didn't get
religion when Papa God

reached through those
cell bars and set me free.

That's a fanciful image but--

Oh, no, no, no.
Son, it's not a metaphor.

I was the lowest scum-sucker
in prison for seven years.

- Mm-hmm.
- I was a dead man.

But then the father knocked
me over like a kingpin

with his bowling ball of love.


* And up from the grave
I rose **

Now, those last parts
were metaphors.

Nothing against you folks
or, um, Jesus..

...or your father but..

Did you just...throw..

You play softball, right?

No. Yeah. No.

Dude, you're sent to break
the First Baptist Hex.

- I can feel it.
- What position do you play?

Pitcher mainly.

Bro, show me your junk.


That dog'll hunt!

Ain't it like God to scout
and recruit us an MVP.

Dude, it's your predestiny.

Y'all play softball at church?

- Religiously.
- 'Yeah.'


I-I gotta, um..

I-I promised my, bride..


I understand.
Wife comes first.

Hey! I can fix your hood.

Thanks, but I'll take
care of it.

'Hey, listen.'

Come on back when you can now.

We love you, brother.


* Sweet magnolia

* Jumpin' jasmine..

* Gonna tickle your momma

* You're the best thing
I ever seen *

* My honeybee *

'My baby's home to stay.'

She ain't going back
with the likes of you.

Momma, stop it.

Ask him if he's
playing softball.

You heard him
on the phone, momma.

Don, you ask him.

He's like a drug addict
with that ball.

You quit playing ball, boy?


And Elvis is alive
and in my bed.

Sherry, this ain't
rocket surgery.

'The boy don't have a pot to pee
in or a window to throw it out!'

Get your stuff.

CJ, It's great that you
found me and all

I just need to make
sure that you..

'She ain't going back with you!'

She ain't going back with you.

Bitty misses you.

He wants things
back the way they were.

He knows they ain't gonna go
back the way they were.

- Right?
- Why not?

You ain't deserving
of my baby girl, now move on.

You know they ain't gonna go
back the way they were.


- I rearranged.
- Are we expecting someone?

[indistinct chattering]

Are you pro-life
or pro-choice?

I'm nesting.

- We need a budget.
- Sherry.


I need to get things back.


CJ, playing ball is a coping
mechanism for you to escape

the pain of your
father's abandonment.

Sherry, he ain't
overpowering you, is he?

I think maybe we require a brief
season removed from each other.

CJ, don't run.

I'll be back
to get you...later.

Don't let the door knob hit you
where the good Lord split ya.

Playin' softball
you watch and see.

He swore off it, momma.

It ain't about the softball.

And just like that corndog
you ate at the county fair

the curse had re-surfaced
and things were fixing

to get a whole lot messier.

Why haven't we
ever heard about this place?

It's Church League.



'Whoo woo-hoo-hoo!'

Predestiny's child
is in the house.

That jersey looks
good on you, bro.

What's up?

What's up?

What is this place?

Dude, they're Baptist.
Everything is big.

We call it the Hex-dome,
but this will be the year, baby!

What is that?

'That's the mini-vac.'

'He plays?'

Little man can suck up
balls like a dip

in the cold end of the pool.

Ain't that right, Bucky?

'Hey, hey, Bill! Whoo!'

Bucky said your wife released
you to heed the call

of the wild at heart.

And doing outreach too, oh!

- I feel like I need--
- This here's Ray and Dodge.

Hello, boys!
Welcome to our band of brothers.

I'm warmed up.

I'm good. Thanks.

I'm done.

Mr. Rogers, a munchkin,
what's next?

We will judge you!
We will judge you!

We will judge you!

(male announcer)
'Ladies and gentlemen'

'please rise
for the the second coming.'

[crowd cheering]


We will judge you.

You're not welcome here.

This is my church,
and you're not worthy

of fielding its holy grounds.

Since when
did you get religion?

I'm born-again, brother.

And this time as a champion

with a ten-peat
winning streak.

- Yeah?
- Huh.

Well, our church is gonna whip
your church's ass.

None shall escape the judgment!

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord *

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord *

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord.. *

Time to face the judgment..

Oh, whoa, whoa, whoa.

No need to be greedy, brother.

* In the army of the Lord..

Oh, that's enough.
You alright?

I'm fine.

- Good luck, buddy.
- Thanks a lot.

You got it, you got it.
You got it!

Oh. Nice try.

Now, this don't change
my love for you boys

but we abide
by Church League rules here.

No alcohol.

What the hell?

Man, I love you,
but no profanity neither.

Oh. He's gonna need
this alcohol

if you don't want
that profanity.

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord *

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord *

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord *

* I'm a soldier
in the army of the Lord **

[indistinct chattering]

Oh, come on. This thing?

'Come on, baby.
Let's do it Buck.'

Rock-a-bye baby.

There we go.

(male #1)
'Ball one.'

(male #2)
'Good eye, buckaroo.'

(male #1)
'Ball two.'

- 'Yeah.'
- 'Ball three.'

How am I supposed to hit
strikes when they're small?

'Bucky, keep it up, baby.'

(male #1)
'Ball four. Thank you.'

(male #3)
'Freakin' out.'

Come on, baby.
Bring it to the boom daddy.

Look out!
Watch out for that one.


Judge not lest
you be judged, people!

- Batter up!
- Nice.



Bill! We got one homer.
That's all we want.



- What the--
- Church League rules, man.

- Only one home run per game.
- What?

Welcome to Church League,

* Won't you go home
Bill Bailey *

* Won't you go home *


[upbeat music]

[indistinct chattering]

We need to show
the love of Jesus!


Come on, let's go guys.
Huddle up.

Let's go, let's go. Come on.

Listen, men.

There's no shame in loss if it
brings us closer together, okay?

Alright, now who's got anything?
Who's got something?


What's that?

A prayer request you
want to keep private.


This is men's ministry!

You'll fight for each other
on that field but not off?

Right here in this circle!
That's what counts.

We need some team training.

It's a desecration
to the game.

So you're gonna
bail on us too?

I can't hit the
ball over the fence.

Dude, we forgive
you for your outs.

I can help you
with your hitting.

Listen, we play
those cretins again.

You authored our first brawl..

...a fissure in the wall,
unleashing the pent up.


Help us overthrow
the love pastor.

You can't run from predestiny.

[upbeat music]


Excuse me.

I was told this here is
where I can buy some pies.

Come back tomorrow.

[blues song playing]

[horn honks]

No, no. Because of the hood
I couldn't see it.

[song continues]

[song continues]

[siren wailing]

That's an easy fix..

I.. Please, officer, I..

I-I.. If you can..
I just need those pies.



(male narrator)
Yes, sir.

A man has to go
through a lot of pies

in order to get
finally get a humble one.

Ah! There it is.

Holy mother of..


What's all this worth?

Only worth something
if somebody wants it.

You believe that, right?

No. Yes.

Well, what is it?
No or yeah?

Look, the-the timing
is such that I only posses

the down payment
on the acquired, required--

Put those down.

Come on.

Grab it right here.

Yeah, put your hand right there.

There you go.

You could get
a lot for this from..


I-I don't feel comfortable not
having some form of payment.

You don't have anyone expecting
you home tonight, do you?

"So the son demanded his
inheritance money

"from his father, and then he
went out and wasted it on.."

Pretty dresses.

Pretty dresses.

Wait a minute.
Wait just a second. Yeah.

"The son, now broke, had to
take a job feeding pigs.

"He was so hungry, he wanted
to eat what the pigs ate.


"Then he thought, dude, I'll
just go home and tell my father

"I'm not worthy to
be called his son.

"But while the son
was still a long way off

"his father saw him.

"And he..

Shot him dead.

"No, his father saw him
and he ran to his son

"and he threw his arms
around him and he said.."

Go kill the fatted calf.

My son whom I love
has come home.

Huh? Come on!


[indistinct chattering]

Hey, hey, hey. Why don't you lay
off the balloons assassinations?

You were terrible.


I'm your worst nightmare.

That's your given name?

What name your
daddy give you?

- What is it?
- 'Bill.'


What's your last name?

- Bailey.
- How old are you?

What, are you taking a census?

Tom, ready to go little man?

- Did he behave, pops?
- Oh, yeah.

Momma, that man's name's
Bill Bailey.

You mean, won't you
come home Bill Bailey?

* Won't you come home
I cried the whole night long **

It's amusing, but, uh..

'Go, give hugs.'

- Hey.
- No hands.


See you next time, Bill Bailey.
I'm your worst nightmare.

I love you, I love you,
I love you.

Glo, Freddy needs
you downstairs.

'It's mom's night out.'

So, go back out.

Tell him I'm coming.

Your "eyescrem" chocolate?

So how often do you throw
these parties with the mime?

Who Paul?
Whoa. Performance artist.

And he does this 'cause..

Dude, it's a long story.

He should probably tell you.

I'll see you at practice.



Boomer said you had a story.

What's your story?


It's a waste of
breath right now.


Learn your lines.

I didn't say I was coming back.

[door closes]

[piano music]



[dramatic music]

[instrumental music]

* You go home Bill Bailey *


Look at him. The boy doesn't
know whether to scratch

his watch or wind his butt.

'You need to leave.'

[music continues]


Come on, you ain't
got no where else to go..


[cellphone ringing]

You got Crackerjack.


'You're the proud papa
of a new preemie.'

* My baby doll
cute as a muffin *

* Face full of freckles
and a heart full of stuffing *

'I just acquired it.'

* Me and my baby doll

* My baby doll..

* Taking a bite
of a cherry popsicle *

All Yankee coins, right?

Yeah, and Idaho.
What'd they name him?

You got the birth papers, right?

I'm sorry.
They weren't collectors.

Ah, hell!

Well, it's still worth a lot.

* My baby doll cute
little cuddle *

* Been makin' me squeal like
a piggy in a puddle *

* Google and giggle
jiggle and juggle *

* Me and my baby doll

* Get out the soap
get on the double *

- Sherry, I got a proposal.
- 'I got a proposal for you.'

Would you stop
screening my calls?

'Sherry's got herself
a job now.'

- What?
- 'Yep. That's what.'

- What? Since when?
- 'Since she wised up.'

* Love you from top
to tippy tip toe *

* My baby doll

* Shu shu shu ko ko ko

* Sun's gonna shine
wherever we go *

* Love you from top
to tippy tip toe *

* My baby doll *

Spread 'em.

I need to see her.

Lee Lee, you've a customer.

[speaking in foreign language]


Oh, let me introduce you
to Dr. Measel. He is my--

I need to converse with you.


What are you doing working?

How did you find me?
Did momma--

I don't like you undressing
other men's feet.

He is my OB/GYN.

So that qualifies him
to get his feet fondled?

It's my job.

Maybe I need to introduce you to
the girls down on Lucky Street.

How would you know
'em to introduce me?

Stop it, CJ. You're just horny.
That's what this is.

- Isn't it?
- No.

What if it was?

It' not.

Nothing's changed, has it?


It's just a matter of time.

I'm thinking of
leaving momma's house.

She's driving me crazy.

There's this cute
little bungalow

that's opening up
down the street.


So you're leaving, leaving?


- I need to get back to work.
- Who the hell is Lee Lee?

I'm moving forward, CJ.
You're welcome to catch up.

I want you to catch up but..

- I'm going to church.
- Which church?

It had a sign...Second United.

The one with
that little person?

No, this is where I was taking
the premarital classes, CJ.

Maybe you could go.

On your own and talk
to him about the..

He has this real
nice certificate..

What about this GYN fella?

That's nothing.

He is my doctor,
he's gonna take care of..

...things down there.

Oh, uh, actually I was gonna
propose other options.

No, I mean if you're not
comfortable with--

Yeah, no. Your choice.



* My honeybee

I'm gonna get
that certificate.

* My honeybee

I'm gonna get
that certificate.

No, it's not really
about the certificate.

Talk to the little person
about that curse..

(male narrator)
Now it's not uncommon for
a women to say tomato

and a men to hear tomato.

Or for a women to say,
taking care of things

and for a man to hear
taking care of things.

Or for a woman to say
out loud curse

and a man to hear..

I cannot just give
you a certificate.

Dude, the certificate is yours.

- Suit up.
- You're already married.

Why do you need
a premarital certificate?

I'm renewing our vows.

You can probably go to
a Christian bookstore

and buy a certificate.

- Really?
- No.

- No, no, no.
- 'Yes.'

You will not present a
certificate to your wife without

receiving the
accredited counseling.

No certificate, no chance of
ending the First Baptist Hex.


We've been loosing the First
Baptist Hex for ten years.

- I don't care.
- We need him.

'Okay, okay, okay!'

Between innings, we'll do
a little counseling.

I told you.
Predestiny, baby.

And work on your hitting.

'Load 'em up! Now!'

- 'What's going on?'
- The pastor's training camp.

You up for a little

- I don't have my gear.
- Now! Let's go! Move!

'Get your rumps up in here.'

What was the pastor
in the pen for?

Kidnapping, I think.

Now, let's go.
Come on, get off here, guys.

Come on. Go round
the bus and to the right.

Come on, hustle up.
Let's go, let's go.

Where are the fields?

Welcome to training camp, men.

Join me in saluting
a decorated war hero

and a freedom fighter for men.

Your trainer, Derwin.

Gentlemen. This allegedly
is a picture of my man Jesus.

Is this your Jesus?

You! This your Jesus?

No. Yeah. Not.

Not this!

Not my Jesus.
Not his either.

Your Jesus had balls, didn't he?

Your Jesus wasn't
no lamb boy, right?


Who opened a can of
whoop-ass in the temple?

Who got up in the faces of
the religious hoo-ha?

Who took a beatin'
and sacrificed his life? Jesus?

- My man!
- Yeah, baby! Whoo!

Hey, hey, hey, you two.. had to play
at 100 percent?

- Ha! Yeah.
- All in baby.

Good. Strip down and show these
men the size of your candy cane.


Dude, you're kidding, right?

How tall is your Magic Johnson?


I...I got to be
honest with you

this isn't working
for me anymore.

This is highly unorthodox.

See? Every man fears
being naked.

Afraid somebody's gonna find
out he don't measure up.

He's inadequate,
he can't perform.

So to make sure he ain't
vulnerable and exposed..

..what does he do?

'He hides!'

Blends in. Camouflaged.

Nobody knows him,
knows his problems..

...knows his heart.

God knows he'll need no need
no bonehead talking him about

how the weather doin'
and fantasy football.

'What does he need?'


He needs a real man.


A real man.. get into his life dung!

Your mission.. to cover your hiding,
camouflaged brother with paint.

Shoot him and bring him
into the light of truth.


Now, where does
a man's fear come from?

Where does all that hiding..

...all that striving to prove
something stem from?



Dude, did he just..

The truth is, he's wounded.

Oh, damn.

Oh, Lord!

Hang on, hang on.

- Do something, Bucky..
- Hang on, hang on.


With food coloring.

Here, son.

You'll call yourself
Christian men, huh?

Whose butt were
you scratching

when my man jumped
in to heal my wound?


Now, who gave me this wound?

You did, you crazy moth..

The enemy.

Why is it every time I say
"Our Father in heaven"

some of you all
start twitching?

You twitch. Ow!

'Cause if God was
like your father

you'd rather put
on hell pajamas

than to spend the night
with the man upstairs.

You're wounded.

You ain't never gonna
mount to nothing.

You ain't never
gonna live up.

You ain't gonna never change!

You're a joke.

A looser.


Lies! Wounds!

Don't y'all guys
know the enemy wins

every time if he
can keep lies

going from father wounding
son, father, son. Enough!



A real man says
heal this wound.

- Come here.
- No! Pick somebody else.

Get up, you boy.

Now listen..

...what is the one thing

that you always want
your daddy to tell you?

Don't fail me now, son.

It's time to heal this wound.

I-I'm not really suffering
from any post tragic--

Shut up and heal your wound.

Aah! We got
a buddy around here!

Come up here, buddy.

See, a real man needs
a buddy to stand-in for him.

Get up here.
You get up here.

Show these posers
you ain't no lamb boy.

Tell them what's the one thing
you wanna hear from your father.



Get your head up.

Look at him.
Listen, that's your father.

'Look at him.'

I'm here.


What did you bring for dinner?


* Kumbaya my Lord

* Kumbaya

* Kumbaya my Lord

* Kumbaya

* Oh Lord Kumbaya *

We're a team.

[crowd cheering]

[indistinct chattering]

Take it easy on
us next time. Good win.

Alright, guys, come on,
gather around. Huddle up.

'Huddle up, let's go.'

Alright, so let's do
this thing, alright?

Anybody got anything?

I do, pastor.

We've been hiding
and I'm calling us out.

We're living a lie that it's
our religious duty to be losers.

I say enough!


We need to be
liberated to fight

like noble
Warriors of Old..

- Bible ones like, uh--
- David.

And Spartacus! Huh?

That Mr. T guy said,
"Jesus had balls."


So if it's okay,
we'd like ours back.

[all cheering]

Yeah! Come on!

Let's do this!

No more SUCC!

[upbeat music]




* Got a little girl
little and low *

* She used to love me
but she don't no more *

* She gotta step it up and go

Come on!
Come on, hit me!

* Can't stand pat, swear you
gotta step it up and go *

* Got a little girl
she stays upstairs *

* Try to make a livin'
by puttin' on airs *

* Gotta step it up and go

* Yeah..

Come on!


* Gotta step it up and go

* Yeah

* Can't stand pat swear you
gotta step it up and go *


[music continues]

So good. Mmm.



- For you. Homemade.
- Wow! Thank you.

Since the curse was by
all accounts taken care of..

God bless you.

...the world return back to
the way it was for our hero

Fried chicken is
my favorite. Whoa.

Let's go.

And that wasn't quite
all that returned.

What the hell are you two doing?

This here is an intervention.

Take off the stupid mask.

Where have you been,
meat stick?

We ain't seen you in
the better part of two months.

My schedule has been rigorous.

A lot on the docket
what with work and--

Ned said our suspension's over.

Yeah, CJ, we can
come back. Woo-hoo!

I can't play softball.

You mean, you quit
that church team?

I-I can't play softball

I'm doing something for Sherry.

Momma says Sherry was PG
and getting her own place.

She's gonna move right back
in with me as soon as I..

She's taking care of things.

It's not either of
you twos concernment!

Oh, it ain't any of
our concernment, huh?

You hear that, Dodge?

Now you're carousing around
with all those goody-goodies

carrying on 'til all hours--

- Me carrying on?
- Yeah. Praise Jesus!

Well, maybe I should intervene
on behalf of your wife

and a scoop of
chocolate "eyescream."


What the hell, CJ?

I'm calling you out into
the light of truth, Ray.

What's he talking about?

Who the hell do
you think you are?

I'm your buddy.

Oh, you're such
the holy man now, huh?

You ain't go no docket. You with
the unwed, pregnant girlfriend..

Don't talk disparagingly
about Sherry.

Why don't you take care of
your own business, Bill Bailey?

I'm taking care
of my business.

[engine sputters]

Oh, God!

God, she didn't gas her up.

Nice boat.

And so our hero put his
happily ever after plans

on the fast track.

And in case
that doesn't work

he can always stop by
the Christian bookstore

and buy himself a certificate.

Oh, my gosh, CJ, look at you.

I couldn't wait.. share it.

I gotta go.

I'm gonna ask you to, uh, uh.. get things back
to where it were between..

- Oh, sir, excuse me.
- Ah.

[hand dryer whirring]


I'm sorry I just couldn't wait.

Could you get me some rolls?
I love their rolls.


[instrumental music]


- Oh, thank you, sir.
- Mm-hmm.

[music continues]

So, as you know,
I've been hoping that

things would go back
to the way they were.

But then I reali..

- Ah! Ah!
- I'm sorry, sir.

And then I realized

that not everything
should go back..



I'm so...I'm so embarrassed.
I'm sorry.

It's just.. It's those
pre-natal vitamins

and they when you're eating
for two, it just..

- You're still--
- Listening, yes, yes, continue.

I, I thought that you, uh, you..

- ...took--
- CJ.

I, uh..

I-I, I don't, I don't
mean to prod, but..

...have you got
something to ask?

No. Yeah.

* Hm hm hmmm

* Hm hm hmmm

Are you done?

* Hm hm hmmm *

- Hey, you okay?
- Yeah.

(male narrator)
Number one rule
in life for a man..

I think I'm full.

...never assume anything.

Me too.

Never assume that your
girlfriend is not pregnant.

Never assume that
your bank is forgiven.

And never assume that
the villain in your life

will go down
without a fight.

* Just

* A closer

* Fog we leave

* Oh Lord

* Grant it

* If you please

* Daily walking

* Close to thee

* Let it be

* Alone

* Let it be


* I am weak


* Thou art strong..

* Oh Lord

* Keep me

* From all wrong *

You know I've got the key to
her place if you need to go.

Nah. He's my worst nightmare.

Hey, little league.
I'll see you next week, okay?

- What?
- Oh.

Come on. Guys.

- Let me--
- Story time.

'Let me go.'

Dudes, he should
probably tell it.

Spill it, before he comes.
Come on.

Alright. This is just
another chapter

in Boomer's Tales
Of Predestiny.

[laughing evilly]

So you know the stand-in thing
we did at the men's retreat?

- Yeah. Yeah.
- Yeah.

Well, Paul has done
one before.

Or should I say, someone
has done one for him.

[laughing evilly]

Alright. So he's
at this retreat, right?

How he got there,
dudes, I don't know.

Because he used to be this
smelly homeless guy.

And he's in this
ginormous auditorium

where people walk up
on this stage

and stand-in for one another
in front of thousands.

Well, our man Paul
is there alone.

And, dudes

he has got something
he wants to share.

I mean, he's about
to have a breakdown

so out of nowhere,
he yells

"Dudes I need someone
to stand-in for me!"

Everything stops.

"Twenty years ago, I run off
on my wife and my baby girl.

"I find out my baby girl
run off too.

"She's on the streets.

"And I'm trying, I'm trying
real hard to find her.

"And I just wish someone
would say

I'm not a piece of shiitake."

Only he doesn't say shiitake.

He drops the S bomb

in this Christian joint, dude

'pins drop.'

Then, all of a sudden..

...out of nowhere..

...boom! This girl
stands up and yells

"Dude, you are

a piece of shiitake."

Only she doesn't
say shiitake..

Okay, we get it,
no shiitake.

Bro, now it's just him
and her standing there.

Then she says

"As a dad, you are."

But then real quiet like..

"...but you're still my dad."

And, bro, no word of a lie

he turns around
and she is standing there.

His baby girl.

And she is a nun.

* Amazing grace *



So, it's-it's just some
preacher's story?

No, dudes.
She's not a nun.

What, so you just
made it all up?


Tales Of Predestiny, bro.

Tell him.

She's not a nun.

What's wrong with you?


See. Waste of breath.

- I think you got a pass.
- Yeah? So?

You didn't deserve it.

You screwed up her life.

Well, past my bedtime, boy.

Yeah. Yeah.
Big game tomorrow.

End the hex!

You're right.

I screwed up her life.

She came up to me after
and gave me a big hug.

I couldn't hug her back.

It was just too much.

Then she grabbed my arms
and...put them around her.

And I took
in the smell of her hair.

And I can remember...she
was a little girl

and that she used
to squeeze so hard..

...I could...feel her hair
upon my cheek.

And that smell..

...makes all of them seem so..


Oh, yeah.

I definitely got a pass.

Why did your dad leave you?

Who says my dad left?

I guess you weren't
worth staying for.

What the hell?

It must have crossed your mind.

Yeah. No.

Okay, okay, okay. Maybe
you were worth staying for.


But what?

You tell me.

I don't know if he left
'cause of me or not.

He just left.

It was...just in his DNA.. leave.

[instrumental music]

Maybe he wanted to stay.

Maybe he wanted me.


...I think he feared..


...himself that..

he'd screw things up.

Some things never change.

No matter how hard you try.



Maybe you need a pass.

- I ain't giving him a pass.
- No, not him. You!

Sometimes love
can sneak upon you.

You can turn around
and you can see it in the face

of your baby girl.

And then there's time that
love comes after you.

And you try to dodge it because
you think you're not worthy.

Or you can hold it at bay

until you prove that you are.


...or.. can raise your chin..

...and you throw
open your arms..

...and let it flow
all over you.

You can change things.

I gotta go to the toilet,
I'd be back.

[instrumental music]


I know you must think
I'm a terrible mother.

I have this class and..

- What?
- Ahem, sorry.

You, you're dressed so..

Clothes don't make the woman.

Ha. Clothes do, um..

- That's totally..
- Backwards.

Yeah, I was a big fan
of "Opposite Day" at school.

So, did he behave?

Like an angel.

I'm a big fan too.

Look, I'd really
like to pay you.

I don't feel comfortable
with you doing this for me

without me giving you something.

No, no, no.

I'm...I'm good.

(male narrator)
For the first time

our hero could see himself

on the other side of the curse.

* This train is bound
for glory this train *

* This train is bound
for glory this train *

* This train
is bound for glory *

* Want for nothing
but the holy *

* This train is bound
for glory this train *

Nice, Bucky. Come on.

'Get on. Get on.'

[crowd cheering]


- Suck it up.
- Whoo!

I'm injured.
I need a time out.

[crowd cheering]

* This train has left
the station this train *

* This train has left
the station this train *

* This train has left
the station.. **


Alright, guys!
Break up. Order.

One more fight, the game's over.
Score stays.

[crowd booing]

I got it.

It's the hex, man.
It's the hex.

- It's not the hex.
- It's not the hex.

[audience cheering]

(all chanting)
We will judge you.
We will judge you.

Have you seen Crackerjack?


(man #1)
'Batter up!'

I'm sorry, I gotta go.

Let's go, Buck.


[crowd cheering]

[cellphone beeping]

[instrumental music]

[cellphone ringing]

(man #2)
'Hey, Sherry.
Is that you?'

What are you guys doing here?

We're here to support
our main friggin' amigo.

- Dude, you're up.
- We need to pinch in for him.


Look, bud,
this is a big at bat.

"Bud," I know how
to hit the ball.

- Here we go.
- Go get it, baby.

- 'Come on.'
- 'Go get it, Bill.'

Let's go, baby.
Come on, let's go, baby.

- 'Come on, bro.'
- 'Let's go. Come on, baby.'


I thought CJ said you were
gonna take care of that.

'Let's go, Bill.'

Hit a homer for me.

You might wanna run, son.

[instrumental music]

You're quitting midway.

Where you going, Bailey?

Out of my way.


- Sherry!
- Foul game.

You can't do that.
We got these bastards.

- This is predestiny, man.
- It's over.

- Oh!
- You're outta here.

- Sherry. Sherry.
- Oh!

Bill Crackerjack Bailey.

You falsified a certificate?


Sherry. Wait! Sherry. Sherry.


It's a men's ministry.

Stop it, CJ. Just stop it!

- Stop what?
- I don't have time for this.

Your momma told me
how your daddy left.

- And how she waited for him.
- That ain't--

She hoped one day, he'd wake up
and come home and be a man.

- I'm not the one who left.
- I'm not gonna be like her.

I will not wait around, hoping
one day you will finally wake up

and say that this is your--

This is your fault!
Your fault.

Don't worry.

I will take care of it.

Let's go rip out that jugular.



We Warriors of Old or what?

All this time, you..

...your bride..

- Hey! What the hell?
- Wake up!

Thanks, "Pops," but I'm not
in the mood for a stand-in.

Go ahead!
It's your hood anyway.

No! It's your hood!
Your hood!

Be a man. Own it!


[indistinct chattering]


We were horrible.

Hey, my momma's
got them shoes.

Hey, where'd you get
those shoes?


Do you take credit?

Mr. Bailey.

Are you, are you drunk?

Yes. Yes.

Why don't you and your
friends come upstairs

and I'll get you
some coffee.

Come on, soldiers,
we're gonna get us some.


Have a seat. All aboard.

No hands, Mr. Bailey.

Gimme the works.

Where the hell is the coffee?


Ah! I figured you had something
like that underneath.

Yeah. You figured me out.

Now it's time to leave.

We're both fans
of "Opposite Day."


Leave my mom alone!

It's okay, honey.
He was just leaving.



[instrumental music]

[thunder rumbling]



[dog barking]

You! Ah!

[dog barking]

[tires screeching]

* Well I feel

* Like travelling on

* Yes I feel like
travelling on *

* Oh I feel like
travelling on *

* Well, I feel like
travelling on *

* Oh hoooo

* Oh I feel

Adios, Pedro!

* I feel like travelling on

* Yes I feel like
travelling on *

* Oh I feel like
travelling on *

* Well I feel like
travelling on **

(male narrator)
And so our hero,
unable to change history..






[static on radio]

CJ, don't run.

I'll be back to get you.


[instrumental music]

[static on radio]

I'm not going back with you.

You screwed up her life.

I figured you had something
like that underneath.

She's taking care of..

It's your hood. Your hood.

Don't worry.
I will take care of it.

It's just a matter of time.

You're a joke.

[static on radio]

[music continues]

Wherever you go.

There you are.

Welcome to the family, Bill.

- Never going to give up.
- We love you, brother.

- You ain't deserving--
- It's your hood. Your hood.

- MVP.
- One day, finally you'll..

- You can't run from..
- This is your fault.

- Your fault.
- You'll never change.

- Just as in..
- CJ, don't run.

It's the curse.

[tires screeching]

[instrumental music]




[music continues]

[music continues]

Raise your chin.

Throw out your arms

and let it flow all over you.

[wind whooshing]

You can change things. Yeah.

[instrumental music]

* I feel like travelling on

* I feel like travelling on *

(male narrator)
Of all the things to love
about playing ball

nothing beats the simple joy

of heading for home.

Tom. Tom, can you take
that to the other room?

Look. He doesn't need
another man to treat him..

Neither do you.

Here we go. Ah!

One, two..

That's two.

Hey. Hi.

You're horrible.


I'm not a little kid.

You don't have to keep it, son.

I just need you it.'re still
my worst nightmare.

No hands.

* This little light of mine

* I'm gonna let it shine

* This little light of mine

* I'm gonna let it shine

* This little light of mine
I'm gonna let it shine *

[doorbell ringing]

Is she here?

No, the coast is clear.

Not her. Sherry.

Oh, uh, she left.

When will she be back
to the house?

She, uh, she-she
got her own house.

* Everywhere I go

* I'm gonna let it shine

* Everywhere I go

* I'm gonna let it shine

* Everywhere I go *



Take one prisoner!


- Look, I, I gotta say--
- We're here.

So what'd you bring
for dinner?

[birds chirping]

I need your help.

Dude, you're not
trained for this.

Sometimes you just gotta do it.

* It only takes a spark *

- Follow me!
- Alright.

- Whoo!
- Whoo!

[all cheering]

[instrumental music]

Come on.


[tires screeching]

We got it.
Pull around back.

- Who was that?
- The garbage man. He's gone.

- Momma. This is not your house.
- Oh no, you don't. You're not..


'Don't you walk
outta the house.'


I'm sorry.

What's past is past.
I've moved on.


You needed to.

And, uh, so have I.

What's past is past.

Sherry, you come back
in this house right now.

Get right back
in this house right now.


Leave her alone.

No, CJ. This isn't fair.
I'm hormonal.

You can't just come
waltzing in here.

All the while ignoring
the fact that..

...I am..


[instrumental music]

My baby.

Oh, here.

I know that you..

...cannot resist the roll.

This one fits better.

* This little light of mine

* I'm gonna let it shine

* This little light of mine

* I'm gonna let it shine

* This little light of mine

* I'm gonna let it shine

* Let it shine

* Let it shine

* Let it shine *

(male narrator)
And you guessed it.
They lived happily ever after.

With no brain
getting used or harmed

in the course of the tellin'.

In this tale of one
Bill Crackerjack Bailey IV..

- Clay!
- ...Bill like I wanted..

...hereby stands as a testament
that curses can be broken.

Change can be found in places
other than mason's yard.

And the water in your
gene pool can be tricked.


And if you ever
come down this way

who knows, you might pass
by some truck stop

turned Mexican oasis where
the ginger ale is homemade..

...the fireworks are sold
with gasoline..

...the reptile lagoon
is down by the kitty rides..

...and where a Mexican bandido
by the name of Pedro

talks in signs
and wonders.

Yup, as the Good Book says

"The Almighty works
in mysterious ways."

[instrumental music]

[music continues]

(man #3)
One, two, one, two, three.

[upbeat music]

* Way down in the south where
the pecans fall like leaves *

* Out on a patch
of Red Georgia clay *

* They call the field
of dreams *

* Bill's a good old boy

* Who had a way
of making people smile *

* And he could pound
the ball with a bat *

* About a country mile

* Yea-ee-yeah

* He had a child
with a sweetie *

* Who was waiting
on a wedding ring *

* But what he had on his mind

* Was different kinda
downer thing *

* Yeah

* In a voice so loud it made him
feel more like a man *

* But he wasn't movin' in
closer to a family plan *

* Everybody sittin'
was a crackerjack *

* He was one
of a kind no doubt *

* When it came to committings
and more than just sittin' *

* He was always striking out

[indistinct singing]

* And he didn't know
a thing about *

* Home by the little white bay

* It was only so long
the woman has gone away *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Well every time she tried

* To say she wanted
something more *

* He had his own way
of dodging *

* Like his daddy did
years before *

* Yeah there was only
some scheme or a dream *

* Or a game to play

* And it seemed all along
but he never really saw that *

* Yeah

* Everybody sittin'
was a crackerjack *

* He was one
of a kind no doubt *

* When it came to commitments
and more than just sitting *

* He was always striking out

[indistinct singing]

* And he didn't know
a thing about *

* Home by the little white bay

* It was only so long/His only
sole love the woman has gone
away *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Seemed hard to break
the cycle *

* Seemed hard to make a stand

* Sometimes you gotta
suck it up and be a man *

* Everybody sittin'
was a crackerjack *

* He was one
of a kind no doubt *

* When it came to commitments
and more than just sitting *

* He was always striking out

* He was alone walking and he
didn't know a thing about *

* Home by the little white bay

* Just alone so long
Woman is gone away *

* Yeah

* So you better don't make
right a little detour.. *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Hey hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *

* Hey Crackerjack
why don't you get back home *