Cousins (1989) - full transcript
Legal secretary Maria is married to car salesman Tom. Dance teacher Larry is married to the striking Tish. Larry's uncle is marrying Maria's mother. Tom and Tish meet at the wedding and waste no time taking more than a test drive in his BMW. So when Maria and Larry become acquainted later in the day they already have a common interest. But more than that, they find they like each other. A lot.
Come on. Honey.
Give Daddy the blanket.
Listen. This is gonna be a fun party
with lots of cake and ice cream...
but little girls
with wet blankets can't go.
Now. Give it to Daddy.
Do this: Leave the blanket here. I'll
advance your allowance till you're 40.
Fair enough?
There is no way that that blanket
is going in this car.
- Mom!
- No. No. Not this time.
This is a brand new $25.000 BMW...
325 e5 with leather interior.
Tom. It's just a car.
Come on.
I just Armor-Alled the seats.
Got any eights?
Go fish.
Why does it always take her so long?
Just think of her
as a work in progress.
- Do I look all right?
- Do stars twinkle?
Come on. Sweetheart.
Your bike awaits.
Have you ever tried to put
pantyhose on with wet nails?
- It's a bitch.
- I forgot my sample case.
Come on. Tish.
We're gonna be late.
We are late.
Be careful.
Get out of the road!
Be careful. Tom!
Come on!
Congratulations. Mama.
Wasn't it a beautiful ceremony?
Beautiful.
Oh. No!
It means fertility.
God forbid.
This great song
with its wonderful rhythm
It's a wonderful rhythm
and you can feel it
You know what I'm saying
Yes, you know what I'm saying
Come on and dance
Come on and dance
Come on and dance
Look at Mom!
When the stars meet the heavens
The sky will shine
The whole night long
the sky will shine
Bad tits.
No ass.
So. Tom.
you still selling Subarus?
How many times I got to tell you. Kirby?
I sell BMWs.
I just happen to work
out of a Subaru showroom.
- Look at her.
- What a pig.
Here we are. Safe and sound.
I know.
We got to get a car.
It's on my list.
I dried my hair in front of the TV...
and it's full of electricity.
Mitch. Please stop.
Mitch. Don't do that.
Your cousins Toby and Mary...
do they have a boy or a girl?
One or the other.
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Congratulations to the bride and groom.
Many happy years together.
Jesus. Who is that?
You take away the clothes
and the makeup. What do you got?
A gorgeous naked woman.
Congratulations. Uncle Phil.
Isn't she something?
Edie. If you are half as wonderful
as my uncle says...
I want you to leave him right now...
I'm gonna marry you.
This is Larry's
beautiful wife. Tish.
Congratulations.
And this monster here
is Mitchie.
Hey. Easy on the mousse. Uncle Phil.
- Hi. Mitch.
- This is for you.
You coming to work for me.
you son of a gun?
I told you. Uncle Phil.
I just don't see...
an intellectual albeit muscular guy
like myself working in a junkyard.
Larry. Believe me.
there's a future in garbage.
By the year 2000. There's gonna be
no place left for human refuse.
Get in while the market's
still open.
Don't say nothing.
Sleep on it.
- We'll talk. Okay?
- It's on my list. Uncle Phil.
- It's on my list. I swear to God.
- I got your list.
I would like to make...
Attention. Please. Attention.
I want to make a toast
to this lovely young couple.
Most of us find love...
once in a lifetime.
if we're lucky.
But for these two to find love again.
later in life...
On behalf of my whole family.
we are grateful...
because my Uncle Phil. While being
one of the great men in garbage...
has not always been
so keen on personal hygiene.
But that is until he met you.
So...
I will now disrobe...
and play a Celtic classic ballad...
on my love flute.
Shut up!
My nephew Larry's making a toast.
Thank you. Uncle Phil.
Even the band stopped.
Well. I was...
Excuse me here...
I was just trying to make
a toast here.
I guess what I was trying
to say was...
this occasion's more than a wedding.
It's a love story.
It's...
I'm dying here.
It's the story...
It's the story
of a lovely lady
Who was living...
had three lovely girls
Sisters
Each of them had hair
like their mother
What's the real color
of her hair anyway?
Make up your own verse!
It's the story of Phil Kozinski
Who was living in
a garbage dump alone
Anyway. Anyway...
Anyway. To life...
to love...
to Phil and Edie.
I'm touched.
Such a wonderful nephew.
Such a wonderful bride.
I don't deserve her.
You're right. You bastard!
Hey. You don't like it.
kiss me where the sun don't shine!
- Oh. Yeah? Where's that?
- I'll show you where!
It's all mine!
My brother Angelo
just rolled over in his grave.
- You're crazy!
- Crazy with love!
You put your right leg in
You put your right leg out
You put your right leg in
And shake it all about
Do the Hokey Pokey
and turn yourself around
That's what it's all about
Now. All of these products
are natural...
and they're coordinated to go
with your individual coloring.
You're a fall...
soft ambers and magenta.
And you're a summer...
yellows and blues.
And you. You're a spring.
You should be in pink.
Darling. I'm a widow.
Thirty years.
and I only wear black.
And on you. It works.
Classic.
Turn yourself around
That's what it's all about
Look at her.
She buried my brother
only five years ago.
- Look at her. She killed him.
- What?
She killed him by putting
butter in his food all the time.
Listen to me. Kevin. I'm telling you.
I got a problem with this.
- Now's not the time.
- You canceled the check.
- You didn't fix the car.
- What. It's my fault it broke down?
It broke down on the way home.
- You owe me money.
- You owe me a car!
- You're a goddamn liar.
- You're a cheat!
- Shithead. Come on!
- Take it easy.
Relax! Relax!
Just relax!
- Take it easy.
- Your cousin's an asshole.
- Hey. Just take it easy.
- Get some help. Tom.
I'm sorry.
Up close.
she doesn't look so young.
You're telling me your parents
let you come here today...
and never warned you
about the wedding killer?
You see. There's this guy...
Fred. I think his name is...
and his girlfriend
walked out on him. Okay?
And on the day of her wedding
to this other guy...
Fred showed up...
and he had a machete...
and he chopped her head off.
There was blood everywhere.
Then he sliced
the groom's guts open...
right down the middle
and this stuff spilled out...
that looked like spaghetti.
And then he ripped her heart out
while it was still beating...
and he ate it.
Wait. Wait.
And now. He goes from
wedding to wedding...
macheteing up everybody
into little pieces.
Kids too?
Especially kids.
Time to go. Kids.
How sweet of you
to tell them stories. Mitch.
There's nothing to it.
Children. Children.
Outside.
Bye-bye!
- Bye-bye!
- Send a card!
Okay. I'll call you.
Dad. I can't
find her anywhere...
and I got plans tonight.
- Can you take my kid home?
- Come along. Mitch.
Great. Thanks.
As dads go. You're okay.
Home by 10:00.
Mitch. Home by 10:00.
- Bye.
- No more?
She's going to come back soon.
She's on a honeymoon.
I don't know where he went.
I don't understand.
- I seem to have lost my mate.
- Me too.
I was sure I came in with one.
Nice wedding.
- I'm Phil's nephew.
- I know. I'm Edie's...
I know.
- Larry.
- I'm Maria.
- Chloe.
- Hi. Chloe.
- Are you cold. Sweetheart?
- Yeah.
Well. Why don't we go inside.
Yes. That's a good idea.
- You should be a singer.
- Thanks. I'll try.
Your wife is very beautiful.
- Have you been married long?
- A couple of years. You?
Almost 11.
We were married young.
- Work?
- Yes. He sells cars. Subarus.
- No. Do you work?
- Me?
Yes. I'm a legal secretary.
And you?
I teach ballroom dancing.
Really?
Would you be more impressed
if I said I was a securities analyst?
Because my first wife was.
My father. However.
was more impressed...
when I was a real estate broker.
My first wife's friends
liked that too.
Everybody was impressed but me.
- And you play the piano too.
- No.
Trumpet.
Are you really a dance teacher?
Here you go.
This...
entitles you to one free lesson.
- I'm not a very good dancer.
- That's okay.
I'm not a very good teacher.
Well. I bet I know somebody
who would like to dance.
You're so light.
You're very good with children.
Well. My job gives me a lot
of time to spend with my son.
The one with the video camera?
You know. My mother and Phil.
they are so sweet.
I felt like crying.
but I couldn't.
I never can.
Why am I telling you this?
People tell
dance teachers things.
Thank you. Madam.
Lovely.
Nobody told me anything
when I was in securities.
How many jobs did you have?
I don't know.
A lot.
I change
every two or three years.
If it looks like I might
be successful. I move on.
- You don't want to be successful?
- I want to be happy.
Hey. We're getting
personal here.
You're learning my secrets.
and I don't know a thing about you.
Not an interesting person.
Christ. You...
How you doing?
You will not believe
what happened to us.
The goddamn car broke down.
Where is everybody?
Jesus. I didn't know it was this late.
Are you okay?
Tom was just giving me
a test drive in his car.
We lost track of time.
Tom sells BMWs.
- I thought they were Subarus.
- You're in the market for a new car.
We are. Aren't we. Honey?
Your wife and I were talking about
putting a set of wheels under you...
at a price you can afford.
Not just any set of wheels.
Bavarian Motor Works.
I think a BMW is
a little out of our range.
Besides. They're
breaking down all the time.
So anyway. As soon as she said...
they were thinking about
buying a car. I knew it.
If I could get her
behind the wheel. Bingo.
Sale. Commission.
full sticker price.
Then the car breaks down.
That's the thing in sales.
You concentrate on the woman.
Women always liked you. Tom.
You believe me. Don't you?
Why shouldn't I?
You're my husband.
Phil's worth a lot of money.
You really should take him up
on his offer.
You're great at collecting junk.
You'd wind up
running the company.
My psychic. Mrs. Wong...
is encouraging me to express myself.
She says a lot of attractive women
get depressed...
because they think people see
nothing but their looks.
She thinks I have sensitivity
and talent. Larry.
She says that.
Mrs. Wong is "wight."
I should tell you that more often.
I'm sorry.
Would you still slay
a dragon for me?
Maybe a baby dragon.
Mrs. Wong gave me a self-improvement
tape. Would you like to hear it?
Not right now.
I wouldn't hurt you for anything.
You know that. Don't you?
Why would you say that?
Will you dance with me?
We never dance anymore.
Oh. I forgot to tell you.
Remember the guy on the news
who listened to Ozzy Osbourne so much...
that his parents sued
because he became a mass murderer?
Aunt Irene told me today...
she's thinking of suing now
because cousin Donald...
listened to Barry Manilow
over and over...
and he became a florist.
That bad. Huh?
What's up?
It's the blonde
on the blue bicycle. Isn't it?
Shut up.
The blonde whose initials
are on your Vans?
Shut up.
When I watch you play soccer and
the guys go for Gatorade at the break...
you go and talk to the blonde
on the blue bicycle.
I said shut up!
- You're not my mother.
- I'm just trying to help. Mitchie.
I could give you
the girl's point of view.
Tish. Kiss my squirrel!
We will have no squirrel kissing
here tonight.
Well. I was just trying to help.
I think I should spend
a little time with Mitchie alone.
"Kiss my squirrel"?
Hey. Come on.
Oh. That's very nice.
Go apologize to Tish.
Go. Get out of here.
Repeat several times a day...
'I approve...
of myself.
I approve...
of myself. "
You're not throwing
quite hard enough.
I hate Leonard Pierson.
Who?
Leonard Pierson... in my class.
He follows me around
all the time.
But you shouldn't
hate anybody. Chloe.
He tells everyone
he loves me.
That is sweet.
You be sweet to him. Okay?
- Bye.
- Bye. Mom.
- Hi. Tom.
- Bernadette...
Iook. I'm sorry. But we have
to stop seeing each other.
- What?
- It's just getting too serious.
You're right.
I'll be with you in a minute.
okay. Tom?
How is your family?
Olga. Listen. About us...
You've got a new girlfriend.
I can't see you anymore.
Lighten up.
Planned Parenthood.
You're not allowed
to talk to the driver.
Would you excuse me
just one moment?
- Hi.
- What did you tell him?
- Who?
- Your husband. About us?
- Nothing.
- Good. Keep it that way.
I wanted to make sure you're not a
three-beers-and-confession type.
You're a lot different
than last night.
Last night never happened. Understand?
I've changed my whole life today.
I've cleaned up my act.
No more women.
Last night never happened.
understand?
And if you ever say it did...
if you use the "f" word about us...
if even the "fu" sound
comes out of your mouth...
I will denounce you as a liar
and home-wrecker. Do you understand?
Miss?
Excuse me. I have to get back
to her or her eyeliner will cake.
- Do you understand?
- I have an IQ in the triple digits.
What word do you think
I didn't understand?
Okay. I just wanted
to make sure you understood.
- Are you wearing black underwear?
- Yes.
Want to meet me
for a drink later?
Kiss my squirrel.
So they drove
to a shopping mall...
and parked in back
of a supermarket...
behind a Dumpster...
in our car that I make payments on
by sweating my ass off...
so she can sweat her ass off
inside it.
Sorry.
That car was rocking like
an out-of-whack washing machine.
- I went crazy.
- Are you getting this down. Maria?
- Yes. I am. Mr. Bergman.
- Okay.
I decided to kill her...
but I couldn't.
I love her.
So I shaved her head.
And now see if he wants her.
That is why your wife is suing you
for divorce. Mr. Dionne.
Love is shit.
Marriage is shit.
You know. I'm sitting here
listening to you editorialize...
Fuck you. Moneybags.
That's my favorite part.
Here we go.
All right.
Remember...
happy. Happy. Happy.
No. No. We're doing
the cha-cha here.
- Sorry.
- Remember. Ladies...
it's okay to smile.
especially at my jokes.
Ready. And...
cha-cha-cha. Swivel. Swivel...
forward. Back. Forward.
I can't even say it right.
Hit him. Maggie. If he does that right.
Let's do it again.
Ready. And...
cha-cha-cha. Swivel. Swivel...
forward. Cross. Forward.
Who's leading here?
That's all right. You lead.
You're doing a good job.
I want these suspenders.
Ready. And...
cha-cha-cha. Swivel. Swivel...
forward. Cross. Forward.
Up. Six. Seven. Eight.
And one...
You're going to put me
out of work. You're too good.
One more time.
Ready. And...
Cha-cha-cha...
Oh. My God. No. No. No.
Let me show you one more time.
One more time. Everybody.
Mrs. Greenblatt.
You look marvelous.
Magnificent.
A thing of beauty.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay. That's it.
Time's up. Everybody.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
Yes. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Good-bye.
Get out of here. You crazy guys.
Thank you. Get new shoes.
Those are not gonna work.
Don't forget to bring
your checks next week.
You came for
your free lesson.
It's my lunch break. And I thought
maybe we could talk.
- Mexican?
- It's too heavy.
- I don't know how to say this...
- Well. Words are good.
They have fried octopus?
No. I had that for breakfast.
- This is difficult.
- Oh. Come on.
It's only lunch.
Burgers.
No. Too obvious.
Larry. I need to
ask you something.
Do I think that your husband
and my wife slept together?
Thank you.
It would've taken me a lot longer.
Well. I only have
an hour for lunch.
Spuds International.
Everything you ever wanted
on a potato and more.
I think they have one
with a Buick on it.
Do you think they did?
I don't know.
Only they know.
You don't seem to be upset about it.
Sex isn't that big a deal anyway.
Whether they had sex or not.
something happened.
Hey. I believe in people's
freedom of choice.
Tish needs to grow up
to be her own person. That's me.
What people do is their business.
- That doesn't apply to marriage.
- Sounds like you have a choice to make.
And guess what?
You're free to make it.
This is great.
We hardly know each other...
and we're getting
our first argument out of the way.
Are you serious
about that freedom stuff?
No!
Oh. God. I'm so full of shit!
I'd like to kill them both!
I'm sorry.
- I'll pay for it.
- It's my fault.
I will pay for the fish.
I broke the fish.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have come.
How much?
Never mind.
Wait. Please.
I'm very sorry.
It wasn't easy
to come see me today. Was it?
Are you okay?
No. I'm not okay.
That's right.
You don't cry. Do you?
Or hit fish.
You know. Tom lately has been
really upset about work.
They have these contests...
who sells most cars...
and he lost his trip
to Las Vegas.
That's a good reason
to hump my wife.
I'm sorry.
Listen. Tish is a good person.
She just wants to be appreciated
for more than her looks.
She's worried
people think she's dumb.
She's not dumb. Tom is very vulnerable
to female flattery.
Why do you keep making excuses
for your husband?
Because you're making excuses
for your wife.
All right.
So. How did you two meet?
We met in high school.
He was an athlete. A big athlete...
and he had a red car
he was very proud of.
Girls were crazy about him.
I just came to this country.
and I was very shy.
I couldn't believe
when he came and talked to me.
He must have said something right
to get you to marry him.
No. I was the only girl
who wouldn't go to sleep with him.
What about you?
I guess I thought Tish was gonna be
different than my first wife.
Surprise. You know.
Turns out she's the bride
of Bloomingdale's.
So. What do you want to do?
You want to confront them?
They'll just deny it.
We could shave their heads.
What?
I have to go back to work.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I spoiled your day.
It was nice
not having lunch with you.
Bye.
Good-bye. Maria.
Sweetheart. I'm going
to put your flowers in the vase.
You can do your homework.
What's in the box. Daddy?
What's this?
Open it.
And tonight I'm going to make my
world-famous garlic chicken Pamplona.
Not only that. I'm going to clean up
after I use every pot in the house.
I promise.
This is beautiful.
What's the occasion?
Nothing. Just us.
All of us together.
Just one of those nights.
It's nice to have a family.
So. How was your day?
Fine. I had lunch
with Larry Kozinski.
- Who?
- Larry Kozinski.
I had lunch with him today.
Sweetheart. Don't wrinkle it.
Why? What for?
- What did you talk about?
- Nothing special.
- Was it a nice lunch?
- Mm-hmm. Very nice.
Well. That's fine.
That's good. That's okay.
I'm glad you had a nice day.
Good old Larry. Lunch.
Nice.
Mitchie is...
What is it you are again. Mitchie?
I'm a multimedia artist...
but my emphasis is on video.
I'm so excited.
That's her.
You're a goddamn liar!
Cut! Cut! Lights!
Thank you.
How about lunch?
You are a very sick young man.
Alienation. Great.
Interesting work. Mitch.
Thanks. Dad.
What the hell are you doing
taking my wife out to lunch?
Actually. We didn't have lunch.
We went for a walk.
but my feet broke down...
so we were a little late
getting back.
They know.
They know about us.
You work in garbage all week.
enjoy nature on the weekends.
Tell me about Larry.
I've asked him a million times
to come into the business...
but he wants to change jobs. Dance.
Me. I say this
with love. Maria.
Larry is a failure
in everything except life.
Come!
Dance with me! Yes!
- Follow me.
- No. You go.
We're gonna miss you.
Phil. Do you want some cake?
Phil?
Come on. Come on!
Something's wrong.
One shot. Man!
That's all it'll take... one shot!
- I'm right here!
- I won't have it in my house!
Stop. Stop.
Stop it. Stop it.
Mama.
Don't leave me!
"So that even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death...
I fear no evil.
for Thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff.
they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies.
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me...
all the days of my life...
and I shall dwell in the house
of the Lord forever."
Let us pray.
"O. God. Whose days
are without an end...
Give me back my 50 cents.
- Drive me around this damn town...
- Keep your dime. Sport.
just to run up your fare.
What do you think I am. Huh?
A goddamn tourist?
Cheapskate.
Pop. You were supposed
to call me.
For what? A ride on that
motorcycle of yours?
Good to see you. Son.
- Good God. Is this Mitchell?
- How you doing. Grandpa?
I'll be damned.
You're getting to be
a big man. Aren't you?
- Let's go.
- No. You go ahead.
No. I'll wait right here.
At my age. You don't want to get
too close to an open grave.
- Stay with him. Will you?
- Sure.
So. Grandpa. How come you didn't
come to the church?
God makes me nervous
when you get Him indoors.
Besides. I don't like
to see people in their coffins.
They always look so much smaller
without their spirits.
I was going to bring you a gift.
but I forgot.
Think you might like
one of these. Huh?
Which one you want?
Hot Patty's Pajama Party
or Girls with Big Jugs?
Eat.
There's casseroles. Cakes.
I'll have turkey tetrazzini
coming out the wazoo.
Everyone loved him so.
Did you see the wreath
the boys from the junkyard sent?
Larry! Was it me?
Was I too much for him?
No. Edie.
He was the happiest
he'd ever been with you.
- I want you to meet my father. Vincent.
- My sympathies.
I'm sorry I missed your wedding.
My hernia prevented it.
Edie. I'm sorry.
I have to go to work.
We are still family
even though Phil is gone.
So don't be a stranger. Hmm?
I won't. I promise.
See you later.
Bye. Pops.
Nobody takes a day off
when a man dies anymore?
Jesus.
You know. Funerals
make women really horny.
I never knew Phil all that well.
but this is great turkey tetrazzini.
Here. Mommy.
Oh. Thank you.
Look. I got to go show a car.
As long as Chloe's going
to stay overnight here...
why don't you meet me about 7:30
and we'll go out to eat?
If Mama doesn't need me.
If your mom doesn't need you. Maybe
you can meet me at the showroom.
If Mama doesn't need me.
I'll be there at 7:30.
Beauty and the beast.
I'm never going to get married.
You wait. You'll see.
You'll get married. Have kids...
have a happy life.
Don't eat too much butter though.
You know what I'd
really like to do?
- What?
- Kill someone.
Calmly plan a murder.
Choose the victim...
maybe even someone political...
so I could do the world
some good. You know.
I'd have to think about it first
for a few years.
Hey. It can't be any dumber
than getting married...
and going to work every day.
I mean. It must be more fun.
Mr. Z... I'm going to be
a little late getting back.
It's hard to rush a funeral.
As soon as I can.
- What took you so long?
- Just get in the car.
I think you forgot to say please.
Just get in the car. Will you?
Oh. You're so manly.
There. There's my wife.
We were married for 35 years...
and she never once
raised her voice to me.
So then you know what it's like
to lose someone?
She went into the hospital
to have a boil removed...
and never came out.
I moved upstate.
bought some gas stations.
I do quite well...
but I've had to learn
to live with loneliness.
Life is that way.
Who can explain it?
I thought Phil and I would share
the rest of our lives together.
Now. All I have left
is his share of the garbage company.
What am I going to do
with a garbage company?
I don't know anything
about business.
Perhaps you would be interested
in buying me out?
Well. Maybe I could
give you something...
for your part of the business.
Something?
What neighborhood of something
would we be talking about?
- You'll be all right?
- Bye. Mom.
See you in the city. Son.
I'm taking Mitchie with me.
I don't think riding on that thing
is good for his gonads.
- My sympathies. Maria.
- Bye.
Good-bye. Larry.
Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Are you coming with us. Maria?
Why are we here?
I thought you were taking me home.
- Do you want to go home? I'll take you.
- No. That's all right.
I just wondered.
What were you singing?
I wasn't singing.
You just didn't think I could hear you
over the engine. But I could.
You don't cry at weddings.
but you sing at funerals.
You told me you weren't
an interesting person.
- I'm not.
- Come on. What were you singing?
I don't sing for people.
It's private.
Oh.
Well. Hum a few bars then.
What song is that?
Boy. I still have no idea.
It's a Beatles song.
Come on. Guess.
I hate to break this to you.
but that tune has no resemblance...
to any song
the Beatles ever recorded.
It's "The Long and Winding Road."
Oh. No. No.
that goes more like...
You're worse than I am.
- Are you going to push me off?
- I thought you trusted me.
Here. Hold on to my shoulders.
Ready?
Push against me.
Whoa!
Isn't that exciting?
I guess so.
Come here.
- My boat.
- It's great.
- I mean. It could be great.
- She could be great.
You always refer to a boat
as a female.
Why?
I guess if you're some sweaty sailor
out at sea for a year...
you need to use
your imagination.
What are you going to do with she?
I'm going to fix her up and sail off
into the sunset.
You have a rich fantasy life.
don't you?
Don't you?
Don't you have fantasies?
I do. But they're private.
I don't tell them to anybody.
- Not even a dance teacher?
- You're not just a dance teacher.
I can't figure out what you are.
Hey. Isn't that
what everybody wants...
a smooth-sailing life?
You can achieve that
for a minute...
out on the dance floor
or the water.
Look how lovely.
- That one would look great on you.
- Tom hates me in hats.
Then I'll buy it for you.
But the look on Tom's face...
We'll take that one right there.
What does your wife
hate you to wear?
Boxer shorts.
She doesn't think they're sexy.
Oh. I think they're very sexy.
We're gonna be bad.
We're gonna be so bad.
Hey. I got him.
He's gonna buy a 325 loaded.
Chrome wheels. Tinted glass.
alarm. Phone. Wool carpets.
Two more Beamers and l...
I win your trip to Vegas.
- I don't even like the color.
- Just sit in it.
I don't like it.
Listen...
the beauty of the Subaru
is that it is so cost-efficient...
that I bet a woman like you
could talk him into one for him...
and then one for yourself.
Do this.
Let me take you for a test drive
in that little blue wagon.
Look this way.
Now see there?
Want to go up further that way?
- This way?
- Yeah. That's good.
You're really doing that well.
I need to talk to you.
I'm with a customer...
but if you're interested in a makeover.
you'll have to wait your turn.
Now. I want you to try
the dusty rose.
- This is important.
- So is my career.
Line right there.
I'm with a customer.
- Now that. That works.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
That definitely works.
Your husband is having
an affair with my wife.
You are insane.
If I had any idea
how insane you were...
I would never have let you
start up with me.
What? You seduced me!
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
Take your time. Honey.
Your opinion of Larry
is a tribute...
to your insensitivity
to other human beings.
Larry would never have sex
with someone like your wife.
I'm not worried about sex. I'm worried
about them having a relationship.
You've ruined my life.
And you are jeopardizing
my new job here...
as assistant manager
of this department...
so if you'd like a private consultation.
please call for an appointment.
And if you ever come here
and upset me again...
I will have the security guards
throw you out of the store.
- Now. Where were we?
- Making the lips fuller.
So I burned her underwear.
So what? I'll buy her more.
He's sick.
He's a beast.
How am I supposed to go anywhere
looking like this?
In some countries.
bald is considered attractive.
- I didn't marry you for looks anyway.
- I want a divorce.
Her and that lowlife appliance salesman
aren't getting a dime.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Folks.
but we're very late.
I had no idea
your job was so dangerous.
Why are we running?
- How about lunch?
- I'm not hungry.
Good.
- Fish must be so happy.
- They must be.
They have mating rituals
like Italian operas.
I hate to leave.
This was such a great idea.
Let's call in sick.
Maggie can take my classes.
- I can't call in sick.
- Then call in well.
Tell your boss
it's too beautiful a day...
to take notes
on other people's problems.
I'll call for you.
You want me to?
No. I'll call for myself.
If the lake were
to swallow me up right now...
I would die a happy man.
It has been a long time
since I have been this happy too.
Is it just me...
or do you also have this
uncontrollable desire...
to put our lips together?
We can't.
You're right.
We can't.
Why can't we?
Have you ever cheated on Tish?
Once...
in Monopoly.
I stole all her good properties
while she was doing her nails.
- How about you?
- A Catholic schoolgirl?
- Yeah.
- No.
So what will happen to us?
Well. We could be lovers
or we could be friends.
We are friends.
If we are lovers...
we have to lie.
I don't think I can do that.
Yeah. Me either.
Could we make love once and then
never see each other again?
Friends then.
Very special friends.
Tom and Tish will be
insane with jealousy.
So what? Who cares?
We're gonna be innocent.
We'll be this great couple.
Years from now...
we'll be in the
Guinness Book of Records.
"Twenty years." people will say.
"and they never had sex."
"You're kidding me."
"No. It's true."
And all those years.
I'll be dreaming of kissing you.
With tongue or without?
How about just one?
Friends. Remember.
What do you do on the weekend?
I spend as much time
as I can with Chloe.
Tom loves to go
to restaurants he cannot afford...
then complains
all through dinner.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Let's pretend
to meet at a restaurant.
- Saturday night?
- I'll bring my father.
Mario's. 9:00.
Did you let it breathe?
Sir. I personally gave it
mouth-to-mouth.
Excellent.
Does anyone ever send it back?
Not the house wine. Sir.
Look who's here.
Hey. Iook who's here.
What a coincidence.
Hi.
- Come join us.
- Yes. By all means.
Really? What do you think?
That'd be fun.
What do you say?
That would be great.
I've always wanted
to come here.
Are those children's portions?
The flowers are bigger
than the food.
Can we get more wine. Please?
Look at all these self-satisfied
pigs stuffing themselves.
People are starving.
I wish someone with an Uzi
would walk in here...
and take all this jewelry
everyone's showing off.
They're just symbols
of a sick society.
Hey. I started out pumping gas
when I was your age.
Now I own
my own string of stations.
That could only happen
in this society.
Please make them stop. Larry.
I think everybody's entitled
to their opinion. Don't you. Edie?
Oh. Yes.
As long as they agree with mine.
So how do you like this wine. Vince?
I'd rather have a case of the clap
than a case of this wine.
Pop...
- See these prices here?
- I think Phil would've wanted you...
to take us all to dinner.
I think Phil would have wanted
you and me to split it.
- To Phil.
- Yeah.
- To Phil.
- To Phil.
Excuse me.
- What's wrong with her?
- I don't know.
- She went to the ladies' room. I'll go.
- No. Mama. I'll go.
- Open up.
- Go away.
Come on. Let me in.
Please. Leave me alone.
You bought him those terrible
boxer shorts. Didn't you?
I didn't mean anything by it.
It was just a joke.
Tom said you were having an affair.
but I didn't believe him...
until I saw the way
you looked at each other.
We're not having an affair.
We have been playing a little game
to get back at you and Tom.
It's just gone too far.
I'm sorry.
She's so nice.
She's so nice.
- Go get us some ice cream.
- But I don't want to miss anything.
- Ice cream!
- Please get us some ice cream. Mitch.
Don't talk to him like that.
Tish. Wait a minute.
- Son?
- What?
- Are you bedding that woman?
- Tish?
I hope you're bedding your own wife.
No. The other one. Maria.
- No. Pop. I'm not.
- You sure as hell act like it.
- Both of you.
- Well. I'm not. We're just friends.
Well. Then.
get your house in order.
Pop. If you don't stop
bossing people around...
You know that tall building over there?
It's called the Hilton.
Tish. Come on. Sweetheart.
Tish. Come on.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
Tish. Open up.
Come on. Sweetheart.
You're not doing anything
stupid in there. Are you?
We haven't seen this outfit
for a while. Have we?
You're sure you don't want to
talk about this. Huh?
Guess not.
Phil? Oh. God.
What's happening?
What?
Oh. Great. You think I'm too young
to talk about sex?
Is that it?
You know. I've had sex.
- Yeah. Sure you have.
- I have.
She was 300 pounds.
When I was on top of her. I was so high
my arms and legs didn't touch the bed.
And when she breathed. I flew up
and down like I was on a trampoline.
Why the hell do you
make up all this nonsense?
I'm a multimedia artist.
That's what I do... make up nonsense.
Do you still have sex?
Rarely.
- Do you miss it?
- Yeah. Oh. God.
Then why don't you have it?
I've just been thinking the same thing.
Smile.
Good.
Welcome to Weddingland. And which
joyous event will you be attending?
The Crystal Gazebo.
A right. Then a left.
Dusty. Will you take them?
The Pink Rose Chapel.
Isn't it romantic
Music in the night
A dream that can be heard
Isn't it romantic
Morning shadows write
the oldest magic word
Give me a kiss.
Let me see the gut.
Let me see the gut.
No X-rated pictures.
you bad boy.
Weddings are joyful occasions.
- They're pagan rituals.
- He's got it under control.
- Dad. I had the shot.
- I know.
How are you?
Is that a dress
you wear to a wedding?
I made it.
My own design.
- See you later.
- Bye.
That's a dress you wear
to a hooker's wedding.
- Good to see you again. Edie.
- Hi. Vince.
How do you do?
Mr. D... how are you?
A time for love
It's too loud.
That is a beautiful dress.
- Here's looking at you. Kid.
- Weddings really turn me on.
Music going all the time.
Fantastic.
I can't live without music.
Look at her.
Look at her. It's not enough
she killed the first one.
Now she's out to kill
the brother too.
The kiss of death.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
You know that. Don't you?
I'm an old. Ionely woman.
My life is over.
I try to be a good grandmother now.
I'm thinking of making jam.
I like your shoes.
It shows off your bubble gum toes.
What was I saying?
Giving me that crap
about being old.
Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time...
we're so happy to bring up to the
dance floor for their first dance...
Mr. And Mrs. Dean Kozinski.
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
- Dance with me.
- Sure.
What?
- Somebody dance with me.
- Sure.
What are you doing?
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Go dance with your wife.
Why don't we go for a walk?
The marriage business
is sure booming.
Business is right.
Would you and your wife
like a piece of cake?
Thank you.
But she's not my wife.
In that case.
can I have your phone number?
- What are you doing?
- Congratulations.
Thank you. Kidding.
What do you think we would
be like as a married couple?
Horrendous. Awful.
Sure. At first you'd find me
witty. Charming.
Fall in love with those cute sounds
I make in the morning.
But then in about three months you'd
want to smother me with a pillow...
'cause I talk too much.
I love our talks.
We talk now 'cause we're not married.
- They're in love!
- They're not in love.
They are.
And it's our fault.
I'm out.
They're not in love.
Here.
Have some of mine.
Why are you being so nice to me?
To make them jealous. Right?
I've always been nice to you.
- Never.
- Then how come you had sex with me?
I thought you were intelligent
and going somewhere with your life.
But I've had cause to reconsider
my first opinion.
I'm goin' somewhere. You think
I'm gonna sell Subarus forever.
Plus. I have a lot
of deep thoughts.
I just have a hard time
talkin' to women.
You're talking to me.
You're different.
How?
I don't know. Different.
Different than Maria.
Maria's too good for me.
If Larry got a good job
and stopped playing that trumpet...
I could be happy.
And I wouldn't be attracted
to someone like you.
What the hell does that mean.
someone like me?
Hi-ho, the derry-o
The bride cuts the cake
The bride cuts the cake
Where the hell you been?
Where you been?
- Where the hell's my wife?
- Tom. You're drunk.
Where's Maria? Have you seen her?
Don't worry about it.
Come watch them cut the cake.
- That's an idea.
- Stop. Tom. Stop.
Mama. The cake!
I know. Hon. Don't...
Mama. Will you open the door?
You go straight.
Sweetheart. Are you going
to be sick again?
Lie still. Dear.
I'll get a Hefty bag.
Can I use a phone
to call a cab?
Don't be ridiculous.
Take my car.
I'll stay here tonight.
You can bring it back tomorrow...
with a full tank of gas.
I'll bring it back tomorrow
on one condition...
pick you up to have dinner.
We are not compatible.
Come on. Dinner.
On me.
All right.
- You made an old man very happy.
- You are not so old.
Yeah. I know.
and I'm not so happy.
He'll be fine.
This is so crazy.
We haven't done anything.
They think we have.
We have to stop.
I know.
It's so unfair.
You've become my best friend.
Don't you know.
married men and women...
are only allowed to be
close friends in large groups?
For Tish.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Mitch. Don't do that.
- It's so cool.
Just don't.
Feeling better?
Do you want me to leave?
I will if you want me to.
I've always liked you so much.
I like you too.
I was almost unfaithful
to your father once.
I knew this was coming.
He was a barber.
He looked just like John Forsythe.
only bald.
And Italian.
- I'm not sleeping with Larry.
- But you are thinking about it.
He makes me feel good.
We talk. We walk. We have fun.
What's so wrong?
This walk you are taking
is right into quicksand.
I haven't been happy
with Tom in a long time.
Who says you are supposed
to be happy?
Oh. Excuse me.
I dare to want to be happy.
As my mother used to say...
Why must my problems always
have to be solved with proverbs?
- You've a nice home. Beautiful child.
- An unfaithful husband.
Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
It just means he's stupid.
I think Tom wanted to get caught
because he's unhappy too.
Maria. I just want to
ask you a question...
and then I'll shut up
and mind my own business.
Are you ready to change your life
and the life of those close to you...
for a dance teacher?
Until you are sure...
don't do anything you'll regret.
Sorry.
Don't move!
Oak Lane?
'Round the bend.
Are you happy?
About what?
We'd like to rent
one of your cottages. Please.
For how long?
Just for the afternoon.
Thanks.
It's nice.
Fireplace works. No room service but
the caf? off the highway delivers.
Menu's by the phone.
And yes. The paintings
are for sale.
I love it.
Nervous?
Me too.
Oh. Shit.
We broke the lamp.
I wanted to do something like that
my entire life.
Look. Your lip's bleeding.
I bit my lip.
Round three?
What's this?
They're all yours. Mitchie.
I'm goin' for the real thing.
Samurai hairstylist.
I sure as hell hope you know
what you're doing.
I don't know why
I'm letting you do this.
Mandarin egg rolls...
shrimp cocktail...
turkey club sandwich...
and lox with scrambled eggs.
And a chocolate cake.
So what do you want?
- French fries.
- And French fries. Please.
- Lots of ketchup.
- Lots of ketchup.
Wait. Do you have any champagne?
Great. And please hurry.
Thank you.
That was quick.
It's the maid.
Would you like the bed turned down?
No thank you.
I better call home.
Closer.
Closer still.
I'll be with her
till Tom gets home.
Don't worry.
Where are you?
Can I speak to Chloe. Mama?
Hi. Sweetheart.
How was school today?
Leonard Pierson scratched you?
This is awful.
Are you all right?
I'm gonna be home
a little late tonight.
Why?
I'm seeing some friends.
but I'll be home to kiss you good night.
Be a good girl for Daddy.
I love you.
I had to lie to my daughter.
I'll bet this one is the first one
she ever sold.
It's late.
I'm sorry I fell asleep.
I fell asleep too.
Does falling asleep mean we've
got each other out of our system?
It means we were both tired.
I'd better go.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Your office called.
You called in sick. So they wanted
to know if you were all right.
Are you all right?
If I hadn't acted like an idiot.
would this have happened?
You were just being you.
A man thinks he has to prove himself
by being with a lot of women...
If you're gonna tell me
about your infidelities...
I will have to leave you forever.
Chloe's teacher would like
to talk to you.
Are you in love with him?
If I am. I'll get over it.
We were in love
once upon a time.
We got over it.
You go near my wife again...
and I'll kill you.
Hey. Pop.
What's the matter?
My brother Phil just called me
from the grave.
Said to stay away from Edie
or he'd kill me.
You were dreaming. Pop.
She doesn't want me anyway.
Doesn't think we're compatible.
No. Don't do that.
Let me make you breakfast.
I'm not leaving 'cause
I'm angry or mad or anything.
I want you to be free
to make up your mind.
- Where you going?
- My mom's.
I'll have the rest of my clothes
picked up later.
Your mother gives you hives.
What are you doing?
Not this time.
It's time I face up to her.
See. I'm not as dumb as you think.
I think you're the smartest person
around here.
Wait a minute.
Shouldn't we be talking about this?
- I've made up my mind.
- At least let me help you here.
You can help me get a cab.
So how did your big date go
last night?
Can you keep a secret?
Yeah. Sure.
So can I.
You...
Mrs. Davidow. Hello.
Hello. Mrs. Hardy.
Good morning. Chloe.
- Did you want to talk to me?
- Would you take over for a while?
I am concerned about Chloe's arm.
She has a scratch...
- Excuse me.
- She said Leonard Pierson did it.
You know. It's time for us to do
some serious sharing...
and interfacing about Chloe.
Mrs. Hardy.
Can I offer you a cup of decaf?
So what do you think?
Is this beautiful?
Isn't it great?
Leather. The whole thing.
What do you say we go for a ride?
I'll go grab the keys.
Come on. I'll get the keys.
I'll be right back.
This is it. I can feel it.
I can smell it.
I'm taking them for
a test drive. I know it.
I sell this Beamer.
I'm off to Vegas. I got 'em.
I got 'em. Got 'em. Got 'em!
Oh. My God! My God!
Mel. Can you open up that window?
I wanna take the 750 for a test drive.
- Can I tantalize you with something?
- I'm here to see Tom.
A mistake.
but I'll be right back.
So. You're finally buying a car.
Thinking about it.
I'll see you later. Be right back.
Got it definitely under control.
I left Larry.
Are you crazy?
You stupid shit!
- That was really great.
- It was great.
- It wasn't so great.
- What? It was great.
No. It was different.
Well...
it's different in a bed.
It's not the bed.
It's different.
You're different.
Well. It's different
now that you're...
- Now that I'm what?
- Now that you're...
on your own.
Oh. My God.
I just realized something.
You're one of those men who can only
do this because you're married.
You're not interested in anyone...
- You'd have to be responsible to.
- Calm down.
I'm up for a new position
in the fashion office.
I took time out today
because I thought that maybe you...
- You thought that maybe I'd what?
- Nothing.
- There's a run in my pantyhose!
- What's the matter with you?
I'm being tested and...
punished for my stupidity!
I deserve this.
She looks much better.
Hey. What a great surprise.
I had no idea how much
I loved sanding.
Is sandpapering going to be
your next job?
I don't think so. I was thinking
you and me should open a restaurant.
Do you cook?
No. But I do dishes.
A restaurant? Where?
Somewhere we can hang a sign that says
"Gone sailing" anytime we want.
- And people would understand?
- Understand? Are you kidding me?
People will approve.
And what about your son. Wife?
Mitch goes to spend next term
with his mother in San Francisco...
then college.
Tish...
I don't know what she wants...
but it certainly isn't me.
It must be beautiful out there.
Does that mean you're gonna
come along?
Chloe has been lying...
about a boy attacking her...
when actually she has been
beating on him.
The teacher thinks she is
acting out her anger toward Tom.
The other day she put a cat
in the school dryer.
The teacher thinks it is 'cause
she doesn't get enough attention...
'cause...
I'm not doing a good enough job.
No. Now kids go through stages.
My husband and my daughter need me.
And us?
"Us?"
Well. We do what generally
people do.
Go on with their lives.
Maybe people aren't
supposed to be happy.
No. I don't believe that.
I came to say good-bye.
I know.
Have you been crying?
I have.
I have been crying a lot lately.
Making up for all these years
I didn't.
I'm fine.
You know. I'm only sorry
we never had a chance to dance.
- You all gotta be crazy!
- Pop. Please. I got enough problems.
Go home. I'll call you.
Listen to me for once. If you love
that woman the way I think you do...
sometimes in life you gotta
fight to the death.
I'm familiar with this philosophy.
Attila the Hun said it first.
Listen to what your father
Vincent Kozinski is saying first...
last and always.
You've got only one life to live.
You can either make it chicken shit
or chicken salad.
Good chops.
I'm glad you like them.
- My favorite.
- I know.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Maybe...
we can make love later.
Good.
Thank you.
Phil said there's a future in garbage.
Never thought it was my future.
You were very generous in your
business dealings. Very generous.
- Don't let it get around.
- You are not such a tough guy.
- Tough guy would make a pass at you.
- But not you.
No? I'd say. "I got this
big empty house in the country.
Come and visit me
and we can celebrate."
I'd say.
"I am too old for traveling."
I love you. Edie.
My God.
All right. All right.
Poor baby. Poor angel.
You still wanna kill people?
- No. They're too stupid.
- You're telling me.
Your grandfather's about to marry
the Bermuda Triangle.
That's very good. Very good.
God bless.
Hi. Vince.
- Father.
- Pleasure.
- You know my son. I'm sure.
- Nice to see you again.
- You're late.
- You've met Cathy. Haven't you?
Cathy. This is Tish.
Tish. This is Cathy.
It's nice to meet you.
What? What?
Start! Start!
It's too late.
I did it.
Look at those kids...
cute.
Here we go.
Vincent. Will you take this woman
to be your wife?
- Yeah. Can I kiss her?
- Not yet.
- Say "I will."
- I will.
Edie. Will you take this man
to be your husband?
I will.
Vincent and Edie...
you've made this solemn covenant of
marriage before God and this company.
Always follow your bliss.
Always follow what your heart says.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
At this point. Ladies and gentlemen.
we need a volunteer from the audience.
- Somebody who will lend us a hand...
- Me. Sit.
or perhaps his whole body.
I think we have one here.
How are you. Sir? What's your name?
Hi. How are you?
Stan. We're going to ask you
to remove your jacket.
And Michelle will help you
off with it there.
Another girl in here?
Try not to be funnier
than the magician.
Just lie down.
Make yourself comfortable.
- We don't have to stay here long.
- I'm fine.
But I don't want you
to feel uncomfortable.
Why would I feel uncomfortable?
I'm not if you're not.
Easy. Boy.
Okay. Here we go.
- Ready?
- That's good.
Congratulations on your promotion.
It agrees with you.
You've never looked more beautiful.
Thank you.
I've redone the apartment.
It's sort of postmodern
meets the Jetsons.
- You should see it sometime.
- I will. I will.
I'm good now.
Don't go away.
- You want a drink?
- No thank you.
I'm gonna get a drink.
We're going to show you something
really puzzling.
- I'm sorry.
- Do you know why I married you?
My money?
Your eyes. I thought a man with
your eyes would never hurt a woman.
Have I?
Good luck. Larry.
Thank you.
What we're going to do is introduce
you to a little friend of mine...
Sammy the Saw.
You wanna go home? Good.
Let's talk to Daddy. We'll leave.
He didn't have that much
to begin with.
Hold on. Wait.
You know. I came this close
to having her.
Ready?
- That was fantastic.
- But we're not finished yet.
Put him together later on.
I wanna dance with my wife.
Give us a waltz.
They look so sweet.
Tell your story walking.
Maria. Would you dance with me?
- No. She won't.
- Please. Tom.
Well. Then how 'bout spending
the rest of your life with me?
- What are you talking about?
- I haven't fought for a long time...
but if you wanna fight.
I will fight.
- Please. Please.
- Fine.
What's going on here?
I'm trying to make some chicken
salad out of chicken shit here.
Maria. Everyone is looking.
Wait a minute. I've kept my part
of the bargain for Chloe's sake.
Maybe Chloe deserves more
than a bargain.
You come and get in the car with me
now or I'm leaving you for good.
Larry Kozinski. I would love
to dance with you.
- Dance! Please. Everybody dance!
- Dance!
I'm taking my present back.
- Come on. Mitch.
- Here we go.
- Mitch. Come on.
- Come on. Quick. We're gonna leave.
Come on. Please.
Come on. Mitch. Hurry up.
No. Dad.
Dad. Stop it.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?
Give Daddy the blanket.
Listen. This is gonna be a fun party
with lots of cake and ice cream...
but little girls
with wet blankets can't go.
Now. Give it to Daddy.
Do this: Leave the blanket here. I'll
advance your allowance till you're 40.
Fair enough?
There is no way that that blanket
is going in this car.
- Mom!
- No. No. Not this time.
This is a brand new $25.000 BMW...
325 e5 with leather interior.
Tom. It's just a car.
Come on.
I just Armor-Alled the seats.
Got any eights?
Go fish.
Why does it always take her so long?
Just think of her
as a work in progress.
- Do I look all right?
- Do stars twinkle?
Come on. Sweetheart.
Your bike awaits.
Have you ever tried to put
pantyhose on with wet nails?
- It's a bitch.
- I forgot my sample case.
Come on. Tish.
We're gonna be late.
We are late.
Be careful.
Get out of the road!
Be careful. Tom!
Come on!
Congratulations. Mama.
Wasn't it a beautiful ceremony?
Beautiful.
Oh. No!
It means fertility.
God forbid.
This great song
with its wonderful rhythm
It's a wonderful rhythm
and you can feel it
You know what I'm saying
Yes, you know what I'm saying
Come on and dance
Come on and dance
Come on and dance
Look at Mom!
When the stars meet the heavens
The sky will shine
The whole night long
the sky will shine
Bad tits.
No ass.
So. Tom.
you still selling Subarus?
How many times I got to tell you. Kirby?
I sell BMWs.
I just happen to work
out of a Subaru showroom.
- Look at her.
- What a pig.
Here we are. Safe and sound.
I know.
We got to get a car.
It's on my list.
I dried my hair in front of the TV...
and it's full of electricity.
Mitch. Please stop.
Mitch. Don't do that.
Your cousins Toby and Mary...
do they have a boy or a girl?
One or the other.
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Congratulations to the bride and groom.
Many happy years together.
Jesus. Who is that?
You take away the clothes
and the makeup. What do you got?
A gorgeous naked woman.
Congratulations. Uncle Phil.
Isn't she something?
Edie. If you are half as wonderful
as my uncle says...
I want you to leave him right now...
I'm gonna marry you.
This is Larry's
beautiful wife. Tish.
Congratulations.
And this monster here
is Mitchie.
Hey. Easy on the mousse. Uncle Phil.
- Hi. Mitch.
- This is for you.
You coming to work for me.
you son of a gun?
I told you. Uncle Phil.
I just don't see...
an intellectual albeit muscular guy
like myself working in a junkyard.
Larry. Believe me.
there's a future in garbage.
By the year 2000. There's gonna be
no place left for human refuse.
Get in while the market's
still open.
Don't say nothing.
Sleep on it.
- We'll talk. Okay?
- It's on my list. Uncle Phil.
- It's on my list. I swear to God.
- I got your list.
I would like to make...
Attention. Please. Attention.
I want to make a toast
to this lovely young couple.
Most of us find love...
once in a lifetime.
if we're lucky.
But for these two to find love again.
later in life...
On behalf of my whole family.
we are grateful...
because my Uncle Phil. While being
one of the great men in garbage...
has not always been
so keen on personal hygiene.
But that is until he met you.
So...
I will now disrobe...
and play a Celtic classic ballad...
on my love flute.
Shut up!
My nephew Larry's making a toast.
Thank you. Uncle Phil.
Even the band stopped.
Well. I was...
Excuse me here...
I was just trying to make
a toast here.
I guess what I was trying
to say was...
this occasion's more than a wedding.
It's a love story.
It's...
I'm dying here.
It's the story...
It's the story
of a lovely lady
Who was living...
had three lovely girls
Sisters
Each of them had hair
like their mother
What's the real color
of her hair anyway?
Make up your own verse!
It's the story of Phil Kozinski
Who was living in
a garbage dump alone
Anyway. Anyway...
Anyway. To life...
to love...
to Phil and Edie.
I'm touched.
Such a wonderful nephew.
Such a wonderful bride.
I don't deserve her.
You're right. You bastard!
Hey. You don't like it.
kiss me where the sun don't shine!
- Oh. Yeah? Where's that?
- I'll show you where!
It's all mine!
My brother Angelo
just rolled over in his grave.
- You're crazy!
- Crazy with love!
You put your right leg in
You put your right leg out
You put your right leg in
And shake it all about
Do the Hokey Pokey
and turn yourself around
That's what it's all about
Now. All of these products
are natural...
and they're coordinated to go
with your individual coloring.
You're a fall...
soft ambers and magenta.
And you're a summer...
yellows and blues.
And you. You're a spring.
You should be in pink.
Darling. I'm a widow.
Thirty years.
and I only wear black.
And on you. It works.
Classic.
Turn yourself around
That's what it's all about
Look at her.
She buried my brother
only five years ago.
- Look at her. She killed him.
- What?
She killed him by putting
butter in his food all the time.
Listen to me. Kevin. I'm telling you.
I got a problem with this.
- Now's not the time.
- You canceled the check.
- You didn't fix the car.
- What. It's my fault it broke down?
It broke down on the way home.
- You owe me money.
- You owe me a car!
- You're a goddamn liar.
- You're a cheat!
- Shithead. Come on!
- Take it easy.
Relax! Relax!
Just relax!
- Take it easy.
- Your cousin's an asshole.
- Hey. Just take it easy.
- Get some help. Tom.
I'm sorry.
Up close.
she doesn't look so young.
You're telling me your parents
let you come here today...
and never warned you
about the wedding killer?
You see. There's this guy...
Fred. I think his name is...
and his girlfriend
walked out on him. Okay?
And on the day of her wedding
to this other guy...
Fred showed up...
and he had a machete...
and he chopped her head off.
There was blood everywhere.
Then he sliced
the groom's guts open...
right down the middle
and this stuff spilled out...
that looked like spaghetti.
And then he ripped her heart out
while it was still beating...
and he ate it.
Wait. Wait.
And now. He goes from
wedding to wedding...
macheteing up everybody
into little pieces.
Kids too?
Especially kids.
Time to go. Kids.
How sweet of you
to tell them stories. Mitch.
There's nothing to it.
Children. Children.
Outside.
Bye-bye!
- Bye-bye!
- Send a card!
Okay. I'll call you.
Dad. I can't
find her anywhere...
and I got plans tonight.
- Can you take my kid home?
- Come along. Mitch.
Great. Thanks.
As dads go. You're okay.
Home by 10:00.
Mitch. Home by 10:00.
- Bye.
- No more?
She's going to come back soon.
She's on a honeymoon.
I don't know where he went.
I don't understand.
- I seem to have lost my mate.
- Me too.
I was sure I came in with one.
Nice wedding.
- I'm Phil's nephew.
- I know. I'm Edie's...
I know.
- Larry.
- I'm Maria.
- Chloe.
- Hi. Chloe.
- Are you cold. Sweetheart?
- Yeah.
Well. Why don't we go inside.
Yes. That's a good idea.
- You should be a singer.
- Thanks. I'll try.
Your wife is very beautiful.
- Have you been married long?
- A couple of years. You?
Almost 11.
We were married young.
- Work?
- Yes. He sells cars. Subarus.
- No. Do you work?
- Me?
Yes. I'm a legal secretary.
And you?
I teach ballroom dancing.
Really?
Would you be more impressed
if I said I was a securities analyst?
Because my first wife was.
My father. However.
was more impressed...
when I was a real estate broker.
My first wife's friends
liked that too.
Everybody was impressed but me.
- And you play the piano too.
- No.
Trumpet.
Are you really a dance teacher?
Here you go.
This...
entitles you to one free lesson.
- I'm not a very good dancer.
- That's okay.
I'm not a very good teacher.
Well. I bet I know somebody
who would like to dance.
You're so light.
You're very good with children.
Well. My job gives me a lot
of time to spend with my son.
The one with the video camera?
You know. My mother and Phil.
they are so sweet.
I felt like crying.
but I couldn't.
I never can.
Why am I telling you this?
People tell
dance teachers things.
Thank you. Madam.
Lovely.
Nobody told me anything
when I was in securities.
How many jobs did you have?
I don't know.
A lot.
I change
every two or three years.
If it looks like I might
be successful. I move on.
- You don't want to be successful?
- I want to be happy.
Hey. We're getting
personal here.
You're learning my secrets.
and I don't know a thing about you.
Not an interesting person.
Christ. You...
How you doing?
You will not believe
what happened to us.
The goddamn car broke down.
Where is everybody?
Jesus. I didn't know it was this late.
Are you okay?
Tom was just giving me
a test drive in his car.
We lost track of time.
Tom sells BMWs.
- I thought they were Subarus.
- You're in the market for a new car.
We are. Aren't we. Honey?
Your wife and I were talking about
putting a set of wheels under you...
at a price you can afford.
Not just any set of wheels.
Bavarian Motor Works.
I think a BMW is
a little out of our range.
Besides. They're
breaking down all the time.
So anyway. As soon as she said...
they were thinking about
buying a car. I knew it.
If I could get her
behind the wheel. Bingo.
Sale. Commission.
full sticker price.
Then the car breaks down.
That's the thing in sales.
You concentrate on the woman.
Women always liked you. Tom.
You believe me. Don't you?
Why shouldn't I?
You're my husband.
Phil's worth a lot of money.
You really should take him up
on his offer.
You're great at collecting junk.
You'd wind up
running the company.
My psychic. Mrs. Wong...
is encouraging me to express myself.
She says a lot of attractive women
get depressed...
because they think people see
nothing but their looks.
She thinks I have sensitivity
and talent. Larry.
She says that.
Mrs. Wong is "wight."
I should tell you that more often.
I'm sorry.
Would you still slay
a dragon for me?
Maybe a baby dragon.
Mrs. Wong gave me a self-improvement
tape. Would you like to hear it?
Not right now.
I wouldn't hurt you for anything.
You know that. Don't you?
Why would you say that?
Will you dance with me?
We never dance anymore.
Oh. I forgot to tell you.
Remember the guy on the news
who listened to Ozzy Osbourne so much...
that his parents sued
because he became a mass murderer?
Aunt Irene told me today...
she's thinking of suing now
because cousin Donald...
listened to Barry Manilow
over and over...
and he became a florist.
That bad. Huh?
What's up?
It's the blonde
on the blue bicycle. Isn't it?
Shut up.
The blonde whose initials
are on your Vans?
Shut up.
When I watch you play soccer and
the guys go for Gatorade at the break...
you go and talk to the blonde
on the blue bicycle.
I said shut up!
- You're not my mother.
- I'm just trying to help. Mitchie.
I could give you
the girl's point of view.
Tish. Kiss my squirrel!
We will have no squirrel kissing
here tonight.
Well. I was just trying to help.
I think I should spend
a little time with Mitchie alone.
"Kiss my squirrel"?
Hey. Come on.
Oh. That's very nice.
Go apologize to Tish.
Go. Get out of here.
Repeat several times a day...
'I approve...
of myself.
I approve...
of myself. "
You're not throwing
quite hard enough.
I hate Leonard Pierson.
Who?
Leonard Pierson... in my class.
He follows me around
all the time.
But you shouldn't
hate anybody. Chloe.
He tells everyone
he loves me.
That is sweet.
You be sweet to him. Okay?
- Bye.
- Bye. Mom.
- Hi. Tom.
- Bernadette...
Iook. I'm sorry. But we have
to stop seeing each other.
- What?
- It's just getting too serious.
You're right.
I'll be with you in a minute.
okay. Tom?
How is your family?
Olga. Listen. About us...
You've got a new girlfriend.
I can't see you anymore.
Lighten up.
Planned Parenthood.
You're not allowed
to talk to the driver.
Would you excuse me
just one moment?
- Hi.
- What did you tell him?
- Who?
- Your husband. About us?
- Nothing.
- Good. Keep it that way.
I wanted to make sure you're not a
three-beers-and-confession type.
You're a lot different
than last night.
Last night never happened. Understand?
I've changed my whole life today.
I've cleaned up my act.
No more women.
Last night never happened.
understand?
And if you ever say it did...
if you use the "f" word about us...
if even the "fu" sound
comes out of your mouth...
I will denounce you as a liar
and home-wrecker. Do you understand?
Miss?
Excuse me. I have to get back
to her or her eyeliner will cake.
- Do you understand?
- I have an IQ in the triple digits.
What word do you think
I didn't understand?
Okay. I just wanted
to make sure you understood.
- Are you wearing black underwear?
- Yes.
Want to meet me
for a drink later?
Kiss my squirrel.
So they drove
to a shopping mall...
and parked in back
of a supermarket...
behind a Dumpster...
in our car that I make payments on
by sweating my ass off...
so she can sweat her ass off
inside it.
Sorry.
That car was rocking like
an out-of-whack washing machine.
- I went crazy.
- Are you getting this down. Maria?
- Yes. I am. Mr. Bergman.
- Okay.
I decided to kill her...
but I couldn't.
I love her.
So I shaved her head.
And now see if he wants her.
That is why your wife is suing you
for divorce. Mr. Dionne.
Love is shit.
Marriage is shit.
You know. I'm sitting here
listening to you editorialize...
Fuck you. Moneybags.
That's my favorite part.
Here we go.
All right.
Remember...
happy. Happy. Happy.
No. No. We're doing
the cha-cha here.
- Sorry.
- Remember. Ladies...
it's okay to smile.
especially at my jokes.
Ready. And...
cha-cha-cha. Swivel. Swivel...
forward. Back. Forward.
I can't even say it right.
Hit him. Maggie. If he does that right.
Let's do it again.
Ready. And...
cha-cha-cha. Swivel. Swivel...
forward. Cross. Forward.
Who's leading here?
That's all right. You lead.
You're doing a good job.
I want these suspenders.
Ready. And...
cha-cha-cha. Swivel. Swivel...
forward. Cross. Forward.
Up. Six. Seven. Eight.
And one...
You're going to put me
out of work. You're too good.
One more time.
Ready. And...
Cha-cha-cha...
Oh. My God. No. No. No.
Let me show you one more time.
One more time. Everybody.
Mrs. Greenblatt.
You look marvelous.
Magnificent.
A thing of beauty.
Thank you. Thank you.
Okay. That's it.
Time's up. Everybody.
Practice. Practice. Practice.
Yes. Practice. Practice. Practice.
Good-bye.
Get out of here. You crazy guys.
Thank you. Get new shoes.
Those are not gonna work.
Don't forget to bring
your checks next week.
You came for
your free lesson.
It's my lunch break. And I thought
maybe we could talk.
- Mexican?
- It's too heavy.
- I don't know how to say this...
- Well. Words are good.
They have fried octopus?
No. I had that for breakfast.
- This is difficult.
- Oh. Come on.
It's only lunch.
Burgers.
No. Too obvious.
Larry. I need to
ask you something.
Do I think that your husband
and my wife slept together?
Thank you.
It would've taken me a lot longer.
Well. I only have
an hour for lunch.
Spuds International.
Everything you ever wanted
on a potato and more.
I think they have one
with a Buick on it.
Do you think they did?
I don't know.
Only they know.
You don't seem to be upset about it.
Sex isn't that big a deal anyway.
Whether they had sex or not.
something happened.
Hey. I believe in people's
freedom of choice.
Tish needs to grow up
to be her own person. That's me.
What people do is their business.
- That doesn't apply to marriage.
- Sounds like you have a choice to make.
And guess what?
You're free to make it.
This is great.
We hardly know each other...
and we're getting
our first argument out of the way.
Are you serious
about that freedom stuff?
No!
Oh. God. I'm so full of shit!
I'd like to kill them both!
I'm sorry.
- I'll pay for it.
- It's my fault.
I will pay for the fish.
I broke the fish.
I'm sorry.
I shouldn't have come.
How much?
Never mind.
Wait. Please.
I'm very sorry.
It wasn't easy
to come see me today. Was it?
Are you okay?
No. I'm not okay.
That's right.
You don't cry. Do you?
Or hit fish.
You know. Tom lately has been
really upset about work.
They have these contests...
who sells most cars...
and he lost his trip
to Las Vegas.
That's a good reason
to hump my wife.
I'm sorry.
Listen. Tish is a good person.
She just wants to be appreciated
for more than her looks.
She's worried
people think she's dumb.
She's not dumb. Tom is very vulnerable
to female flattery.
Why do you keep making excuses
for your husband?
Because you're making excuses
for your wife.
All right.
So. How did you two meet?
We met in high school.
He was an athlete. A big athlete...
and he had a red car
he was very proud of.
Girls were crazy about him.
I just came to this country.
and I was very shy.
I couldn't believe
when he came and talked to me.
He must have said something right
to get you to marry him.
No. I was the only girl
who wouldn't go to sleep with him.
What about you?
I guess I thought Tish was gonna be
different than my first wife.
Surprise. You know.
Turns out she's the bride
of Bloomingdale's.
So. What do you want to do?
You want to confront them?
They'll just deny it.
We could shave their heads.
What?
I have to go back to work.
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry if I spoiled your day.
It was nice
not having lunch with you.
Bye.
Good-bye. Maria.
Sweetheart. I'm going
to put your flowers in the vase.
You can do your homework.
What's in the box. Daddy?
What's this?
Open it.
And tonight I'm going to make my
world-famous garlic chicken Pamplona.
Not only that. I'm going to clean up
after I use every pot in the house.
I promise.
This is beautiful.
What's the occasion?
Nothing. Just us.
All of us together.
Just one of those nights.
It's nice to have a family.
So. How was your day?
Fine. I had lunch
with Larry Kozinski.
- Who?
- Larry Kozinski.
I had lunch with him today.
Sweetheart. Don't wrinkle it.
Why? What for?
- What did you talk about?
- Nothing special.
- Was it a nice lunch?
- Mm-hmm. Very nice.
Well. That's fine.
That's good. That's okay.
I'm glad you had a nice day.
Good old Larry. Lunch.
Nice.
Mitchie is...
What is it you are again. Mitchie?
I'm a multimedia artist...
but my emphasis is on video.
I'm so excited.
That's her.
You're a goddamn liar!
Cut! Cut! Lights!
Thank you.
How about lunch?
You are a very sick young man.
Alienation. Great.
Interesting work. Mitch.
Thanks. Dad.
What the hell are you doing
taking my wife out to lunch?
Actually. We didn't have lunch.
We went for a walk.
but my feet broke down...
so we were a little late
getting back.
They know.
They know about us.
You work in garbage all week.
enjoy nature on the weekends.
Tell me about Larry.
I've asked him a million times
to come into the business...
but he wants to change jobs. Dance.
Me. I say this
with love. Maria.
Larry is a failure
in everything except life.
Come!
Dance with me! Yes!
- Follow me.
- No. You go.
We're gonna miss you.
Phil. Do you want some cake?
Phil?
Come on. Come on!
Something's wrong.
One shot. Man!
That's all it'll take... one shot!
- I'm right here!
- I won't have it in my house!
Stop. Stop.
Stop it. Stop it.
Mama.
Don't leave me!
"So that even though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death...
I fear no evil.
for Thou art with me.
Thy rod and thy staff.
they comfort me.
Thou preparest a table before me
in the presence of mine enemies.
My cup overflows.
Surely goodness and mercy
shall follow me...
all the days of my life...
and I shall dwell in the house
of the Lord forever."
Let us pray.
"O. God. Whose days
are without an end...
Give me back my 50 cents.
- Drive me around this damn town...
- Keep your dime. Sport.
just to run up your fare.
What do you think I am. Huh?
A goddamn tourist?
Cheapskate.
Pop. You were supposed
to call me.
For what? A ride on that
motorcycle of yours?
Good to see you. Son.
- Good God. Is this Mitchell?
- How you doing. Grandpa?
I'll be damned.
You're getting to be
a big man. Aren't you?
- Let's go.
- No. You go ahead.
No. I'll wait right here.
At my age. You don't want to get
too close to an open grave.
- Stay with him. Will you?
- Sure.
So. Grandpa. How come you didn't
come to the church?
God makes me nervous
when you get Him indoors.
Besides. I don't like
to see people in their coffins.
They always look so much smaller
without their spirits.
I was going to bring you a gift.
but I forgot.
Think you might like
one of these. Huh?
Which one you want?
Hot Patty's Pajama Party
or Girls with Big Jugs?
Eat.
There's casseroles. Cakes.
I'll have turkey tetrazzini
coming out the wazoo.
Everyone loved him so.
Did you see the wreath
the boys from the junkyard sent?
Larry! Was it me?
Was I too much for him?
No. Edie.
He was the happiest
he'd ever been with you.
- I want you to meet my father. Vincent.
- My sympathies.
I'm sorry I missed your wedding.
My hernia prevented it.
Edie. I'm sorry.
I have to go to work.
We are still family
even though Phil is gone.
So don't be a stranger. Hmm?
I won't. I promise.
See you later.
Bye. Pops.
Nobody takes a day off
when a man dies anymore?
Jesus.
You know. Funerals
make women really horny.
I never knew Phil all that well.
but this is great turkey tetrazzini.
Here. Mommy.
Oh. Thank you.
Look. I got to go show a car.
As long as Chloe's going
to stay overnight here...
why don't you meet me about 7:30
and we'll go out to eat?
If Mama doesn't need me.
If your mom doesn't need you. Maybe
you can meet me at the showroom.
If Mama doesn't need me.
I'll be there at 7:30.
Beauty and the beast.
I'm never going to get married.
You wait. You'll see.
You'll get married. Have kids...
have a happy life.
Don't eat too much butter though.
You know what I'd
really like to do?
- What?
- Kill someone.
Calmly plan a murder.
Choose the victim...
maybe even someone political...
so I could do the world
some good. You know.
I'd have to think about it first
for a few years.
Hey. It can't be any dumber
than getting married...
and going to work every day.
I mean. It must be more fun.
Mr. Z... I'm going to be
a little late getting back.
It's hard to rush a funeral.
As soon as I can.
- What took you so long?
- Just get in the car.
I think you forgot to say please.
Just get in the car. Will you?
Oh. You're so manly.
There. There's my wife.
We were married for 35 years...
and she never once
raised her voice to me.
So then you know what it's like
to lose someone?
She went into the hospital
to have a boil removed...
and never came out.
I moved upstate.
bought some gas stations.
I do quite well...
but I've had to learn
to live with loneliness.
Life is that way.
Who can explain it?
I thought Phil and I would share
the rest of our lives together.
Now. All I have left
is his share of the garbage company.
What am I going to do
with a garbage company?
I don't know anything
about business.
Perhaps you would be interested
in buying me out?
Well. Maybe I could
give you something...
for your part of the business.
Something?
What neighborhood of something
would we be talking about?
- You'll be all right?
- Bye. Mom.
See you in the city. Son.
I'm taking Mitchie with me.
I don't think riding on that thing
is good for his gonads.
- My sympathies. Maria.
- Bye.
Good-bye. Larry.
Thank you.
- Bye-bye.
- Are you coming with us. Maria?
Why are we here?
I thought you were taking me home.
- Do you want to go home? I'll take you.
- No. That's all right.
I just wondered.
What were you singing?
I wasn't singing.
You just didn't think I could hear you
over the engine. But I could.
You don't cry at weddings.
but you sing at funerals.
You told me you weren't
an interesting person.
- I'm not.
- Come on. What were you singing?
I don't sing for people.
It's private.
Oh.
Well. Hum a few bars then.
What song is that?
Boy. I still have no idea.
It's a Beatles song.
Come on. Guess.
I hate to break this to you.
but that tune has no resemblance...
to any song
the Beatles ever recorded.
It's "The Long and Winding Road."
Oh. No. No.
that goes more like...
You're worse than I am.
- Are you going to push me off?
- I thought you trusted me.
Here. Hold on to my shoulders.
Ready?
Push against me.
Whoa!
Isn't that exciting?
I guess so.
Come here.
- My boat.
- It's great.
- I mean. It could be great.
- She could be great.
You always refer to a boat
as a female.
Why?
I guess if you're some sweaty sailor
out at sea for a year...
you need to use
your imagination.
What are you going to do with she?
I'm going to fix her up and sail off
into the sunset.
You have a rich fantasy life.
don't you?
Don't you?
Don't you have fantasies?
I do. But they're private.
I don't tell them to anybody.
- Not even a dance teacher?
- You're not just a dance teacher.
I can't figure out what you are.
Hey. Isn't that
what everybody wants...
a smooth-sailing life?
You can achieve that
for a minute...
out on the dance floor
or the water.
Look how lovely.
- That one would look great on you.
- Tom hates me in hats.
Then I'll buy it for you.
But the look on Tom's face...
We'll take that one right there.
What does your wife
hate you to wear?
Boxer shorts.
She doesn't think they're sexy.
Oh. I think they're very sexy.
We're gonna be bad.
We're gonna be so bad.
Hey. I got him.
He's gonna buy a 325 loaded.
Chrome wheels. Tinted glass.
alarm. Phone. Wool carpets.
Two more Beamers and l...
I win your trip to Vegas.
- I don't even like the color.
- Just sit in it.
I don't like it.
Listen...
the beauty of the Subaru
is that it is so cost-efficient...
that I bet a woman like you
could talk him into one for him...
and then one for yourself.
Do this.
Let me take you for a test drive
in that little blue wagon.
Look this way.
Now see there?
Want to go up further that way?
- This way?
- Yeah. That's good.
You're really doing that well.
I need to talk to you.
I'm with a customer...
but if you're interested in a makeover.
you'll have to wait your turn.
Now. I want you to try
the dusty rose.
- This is important.
- So is my career.
Line right there.
I'm with a customer.
- Now that. That works.
- Yeah?
Yeah.
That definitely works.
Your husband is having
an affair with my wife.
You are insane.
If I had any idea
how insane you were...
I would never have let you
start up with me.
What? You seduced me!
I'm sorry.
I'll be right back.
Take your time. Honey.
Your opinion of Larry
is a tribute...
to your insensitivity
to other human beings.
Larry would never have sex
with someone like your wife.
I'm not worried about sex. I'm worried
about them having a relationship.
You've ruined my life.
And you are jeopardizing
my new job here...
as assistant manager
of this department...
so if you'd like a private consultation.
please call for an appointment.
And if you ever come here
and upset me again...
I will have the security guards
throw you out of the store.
- Now. Where were we?
- Making the lips fuller.
So I burned her underwear.
So what? I'll buy her more.
He's sick.
He's a beast.
How am I supposed to go anywhere
looking like this?
In some countries.
bald is considered attractive.
- I didn't marry you for looks anyway.
- I want a divorce.
Her and that lowlife appliance salesman
aren't getting a dime.
Excuse me. I'm sorry. Folks.
but we're very late.
I had no idea
your job was so dangerous.
Why are we running?
- How about lunch?
- I'm not hungry.
Good.
- Fish must be so happy.
- They must be.
They have mating rituals
like Italian operas.
I hate to leave.
This was such a great idea.
Let's call in sick.
Maggie can take my classes.
- I can't call in sick.
- Then call in well.
Tell your boss
it's too beautiful a day...
to take notes
on other people's problems.
I'll call for you.
You want me to?
No. I'll call for myself.
If the lake were
to swallow me up right now...
I would die a happy man.
It has been a long time
since I have been this happy too.
Is it just me...
or do you also have this
uncontrollable desire...
to put our lips together?
We can't.
You're right.
We can't.
Why can't we?
Have you ever cheated on Tish?
Once...
in Monopoly.
I stole all her good properties
while she was doing her nails.
- How about you?
- A Catholic schoolgirl?
- Yeah.
- No.
So what will happen to us?
Well. We could be lovers
or we could be friends.
We are friends.
If we are lovers...
we have to lie.
I don't think I can do that.
Yeah. Me either.
Could we make love once and then
never see each other again?
Friends then.
Very special friends.
Tom and Tish will be
insane with jealousy.
So what? Who cares?
We're gonna be innocent.
We'll be this great couple.
Years from now...
we'll be in the
Guinness Book of Records.
"Twenty years." people will say.
"and they never had sex."
"You're kidding me."
"No. It's true."
And all those years.
I'll be dreaming of kissing you.
With tongue or without?
How about just one?
Friends. Remember.
What do you do on the weekend?
I spend as much time
as I can with Chloe.
Tom loves to go
to restaurants he cannot afford...
then complains
all through dinner.
- Bye.
- Bye.
Let's pretend
to meet at a restaurant.
- Saturday night?
- I'll bring my father.
Mario's. 9:00.
Did you let it breathe?
Sir. I personally gave it
mouth-to-mouth.
Excellent.
Does anyone ever send it back?
Not the house wine. Sir.
Look who's here.
Hey. Iook who's here.
What a coincidence.
Hi.
- Come join us.
- Yes. By all means.
Really? What do you think?
That'd be fun.
What do you say?
That would be great.
I've always wanted
to come here.
Are those children's portions?
The flowers are bigger
than the food.
Can we get more wine. Please?
Look at all these self-satisfied
pigs stuffing themselves.
People are starving.
I wish someone with an Uzi
would walk in here...
and take all this jewelry
everyone's showing off.
They're just symbols
of a sick society.
Hey. I started out pumping gas
when I was your age.
Now I own
my own string of stations.
That could only happen
in this society.
Please make them stop. Larry.
I think everybody's entitled
to their opinion. Don't you. Edie?
Oh. Yes.
As long as they agree with mine.
So how do you like this wine. Vince?
I'd rather have a case of the clap
than a case of this wine.
Pop...
- See these prices here?
- I think Phil would've wanted you...
to take us all to dinner.
I think Phil would have wanted
you and me to split it.
- To Phil.
- Yeah.
- To Phil.
- To Phil.
Excuse me.
- What's wrong with her?
- I don't know.
- She went to the ladies' room. I'll go.
- No. Mama. I'll go.
- Open up.
- Go away.
Come on. Let me in.
Please. Leave me alone.
You bought him those terrible
boxer shorts. Didn't you?
I didn't mean anything by it.
It was just a joke.
Tom said you were having an affair.
but I didn't believe him...
until I saw the way
you looked at each other.
We're not having an affair.
We have been playing a little game
to get back at you and Tom.
It's just gone too far.
I'm sorry.
She's so nice.
She's so nice.
- Go get us some ice cream.
- But I don't want to miss anything.
- Ice cream!
- Please get us some ice cream. Mitch.
Don't talk to him like that.
Tish. Wait a minute.
- Son?
- What?
- Are you bedding that woman?
- Tish?
I hope you're bedding your own wife.
No. The other one. Maria.
- No. Pop. I'm not.
- You sure as hell act like it.
- Both of you.
- Well. I'm not. We're just friends.
Well. Then.
get your house in order.
Pop. If you don't stop
bossing people around...
You know that tall building over there?
It's called the Hilton.
Tish. Come on. Sweetheart.
Tish. Come on.
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
Tish. Open up.
Come on. Sweetheart.
You're not doing anything
stupid in there. Are you?
We haven't seen this outfit
for a while. Have we?
You're sure you don't want to
talk about this. Huh?
Guess not.
Phil? Oh. God.
What's happening?
What?
Oh. Great. You think I'm too young
to talk about sex?
Is that it?
You know. I've had sex.
- Yeah. Sure you have.
- I have.
She was 300 pounds.
When I was on top of her. I was so high
my arms and legs didn't touch the bed.
And when she breathed. I flew up
and down like I was on a trampoline.
Why the hell do you
make up all this nonsense?
I'm a multimedia artist.
That's what I do... make up nonsense.
Do you still have sex?
Rarely.
- Do you miss it?
- Yeah. Oh. God.
Then why don't you have it?
I've just been thinking the same thing.
Smile.
Good.
Welcome to Weddingland. And which
joyous event will you be attending?
The Crystal Gazebo.
A right. Then a left.
Dusty. Will you take them?
The Pink Rose Chapel.
Isn't it romantic
Music in the night
A dream that can be heard
Isn't it romantic
Morning shadows write
the oldest magic word
Give me a kiss.
Let me see the gut.
Let me see the gut.
No X-rated pictures.
you bad boy.
Weddings are joyful occasions.
- They're pagan rituals.
- He's got it under control.
- Dad. I had the shot.
- I know.
How are you?
Is that a dress
you wear to a wedding?
I made it.
My own design.
- See you later.
- Bye.
That's a dress you wear
to a hooker's wedding.
- Good to see you again. Edie.
- Hi. Vince.
How do you do?
Mr. D... how are you?
A time for love
It's too loud.
That is a beautiful dress.
- Here's looking at you. Kid.
- Weddings really turn me on.
Music going all the time.
Fantastic.
I can't live without music.
Look at her.
Look at her. It's not enough
she killed the first one.
Now she's out to kill
the brother too.
The kiss of death.
You're a sight for sore eyes.
You know that. Don't you?
I'm an old. Ionely woman.
My life is over.
I try to be a good grandmother now.
I'm thinking of making jam.
I like your shoes.
It shows off your bubble gum toes.
What was I saying?
Giving me that crap
about being old.
Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time...
we're so happy to bring up to the
dance floor for their first dance...
Mr. And Mrs. Dean Kozinski.
See the stone set in your eyes
See the thorn twist in your side
- Dance with me.
- Sure.
What?
- Somebody dance with me.
- Sure.
What are you doing?
And you give
And you give
And you give yourself away
With or without you
With or without you
I can't live
With or without you
Go dance with your wife.
Why don't we go for a walk?
The marriage business
is sure booming.
Business is right.
Would you and your wife
like a piece of cake?
Thank you.
But she's not my wife.
In that case.
can I have your phone number?
- What are you doing?
- Congratulations.
Thank you. Kidding.
What do you think we would
be like as a married couple?
Horrendous. Awful.
Sure. At first you'd find me
witty. Charming.
Fall in love with those cute sounds
I make in the morning.
But then in about three months you'd
want to smother me with a pillow...
'cause I talk too much.
I love our talks.
We talk now 'cause we're not married.
- They're in love!
- They're not in love.
They are.
And it's our fault.
I'm out.
They're not in love.
Here.
Have some of mine.
Why are you being so nice to me?
To make them jealous. Right?
I've always been nice to you.
- Never.
- Then how come you had sex with me?
I thought you were intelligent
and going somewhere with your life.
But I've had cause to reconsider
my first opinion.
I'm goin' somewhere. You think
I'm gonna sell Subarus forever.
Plus. I have a lot
of deep thoughts.
I just have a hard time
talkin' to women.
You're talking to me.
You're different.
How?
I don't know. Different.
Different than Maria.
Maria's too good for me.
If Larry got a good job
and stopped playing that trumpet...
I could be happy.
And I wouldn't be attracted
to someone like you.
What the hell does that mean.
someone like me?
Hi-ho, the derry-o
The bride cuts the cake
The bride cuts the cake
Where the hell you been?
Where you been?
- Where the hell's my wife?
- Tom. You're drunk.
Where's Maria? Have you seen her?
Don't worry about it.
Come watch them cut the cake.
- That's an idea.
- Stop. Tom. Stop.
Mama. The cake!
I know. Hon. Don't...
Mama. Will you open the door?
You go straight.
Sweetheart. Are you going
to be sick again?
Lie still. Dear.
I'll get a Hefty bag.
Can I use a phone
to call a cab?
Don't be ridiculous.
Take my car.
I'll stay here tonight.
You can bring it back tomorrow...
with a full tank of gas.
I'll bring it back tomorrow
on one condition...
pick you up to have dinner.
We are not compatible.
Come on. Dinner.
On me.
All right.
- You made an old man very happy.
- You are not so old.
Yeah. I know.
and I'm not so happy.
He'll be fine.
This is so crazy.
We haven't done anything.
They think we have.
We have to stop.
I know.
It's so unfair.
You've become my best friend.
Don't you know.
married men and women...
are only allowed to be
close friends in large groups?
For Tish.
I'm gonna miss you.
- Mitch. Don't do that.
- It's so cool.
Just don't.
Feeling better?
Do you want me to leave?
I will if you want me to.
I've always liked you so much.
I like you too.
I was almost unfaithful
to your father once.
I knew this was coming.
He was a barber.
He looked just like John Forsythe.
only bald.
And Italian.
- I'm not sleeping with Larry.
- But you are thinking about it.
He makes me feel good.
We talk. We walk. We have fun.
What's so wrong?
This walk you are taking
is right into quicksand.
I haven't been happy
with Tom in a long time.
Who says you are supposed
to be happy?
Oh. Excuse me.
I dare to want to be happy.
As my mother used to say...
Why must my problems always
have to be solved with proverbs?
- You've a nice home. Beautiful child.
- An unfaithful husband.
Doesn't mean he doesn't love you.
It just means he's stupid.
I think Tom wanted to get caught
because he's unhappy too.
Maria. I just want to
ask you a question...
and then I'll shut up
and mind my own business.
Are you ready to change your life
and the life of those close to you...
for a dance teacher?
Until you are sure...
don't do anything you'll regret.
Sorry.
Don't move!
Oak Lane?
'Round the bend.
Are you happy?
About what?
We'd like to rent
one of your cottages. Please.
For how long?
Just for the afternoon.
Thanks.
It's nice.
Fireplace works. No room service but
the caf? off the highway delivers.
Menu's by the phone.
And yes. The paintings
are for sale.
I love it.
Nervous?
Me too.
Oh. Shit.
We broke the lamp.
I wanted to do something like that
my entire life.
Look. Your lip's bleeding.
I bit my lip.
Round three?
What's this?
They're all yours. Mitchie.
I'm goin' for the real thing.
Samurai hairstylist.
I sure as hell hope you know
what you're doing.
I don't know why
I'm letting you do this.
Mandarin egg rolls...
shrimp cocktail...
turkey club sandwich...
and lox with scrambled eggs.
And a chocolate cake.
So what do you want?
- French fries.
- And French fries. Please.
- Lots of ketchup.
- Lots of ketchup.
Wait. Do you have any champagne?
Great. And please hurry.
Thank you.
That was quick.
It's the maid.
Would you like the bed turned down?
No thank you.
I better call home.
Closer.
Closer still.
I'll be with her
till Tom gets home.
Don't worry.
Where are you?
Can I speak to Chloe. Mama?
Hi. Sweetheart.
How was school today?
Leonard Pierson scratched you?
This is awful.
Are you all right?
I'm gonna be home
a little late tonight.
Why?
I'm seeing some friends.
but I'll be home to kiss you good night.
Be a good girl for Daddy.
I love you.
I had to lie to my daughter.
I'll bet this one is the first one
she ever sold.
It's late.
I'm sorry I fell asleep.
I fell asleep too.
Does falling asleep mean we've
got each other out of our system?
It means we were both tired.
I'd better go.
I'll call you tomorrow.
Your office called.
You called in sick. So they wanted
to know if you were all right.
Are you all right?
If I hadn't acted like an idiot.
would this have happened?
You were just being you.
A man thinks he has to prove himself
by being with a lot of women...
If you're gonna tell me
about your infidelities...
I will have to leave you forever.
Chloe's teacher would like
to talk to you.
Are you in love with him?
If I am. I'll get over it.
We were in love
once upon a time.
We got over it.
You go near my wife again...
and I'll kill you.
Hey. Pop.
What's the matter?
My brother Phil just called me
from the grave.
Said to stay away from Edie
or he'd kill me.
You were dreaming. Pop.
She doesn't want me anyway.
Doesn't think we're compatible.
No. Don't do that.
Let me make you breakfast.
I'm not leaving 'cause
I'm angry or mad or anything.
I want you to be free
to make up your mind.
- Where you going?
- My mom's.
I'll have the rest of my clothes
picked up later.
Your mother gives you hives.
What are you doing?
Not this time.
It's time I face up to her.
See. I'm not as dumb as you think.
I think you're the smartest person
around here.
Wait a minute.
Shouldn't we be talking about this?
- I've made up my mind.
- At least let me help you here.
You can help me get a cab.
So how did your big date go
last night?
Can you keep a secret?
Yeah. Sure.
So can I.
You...
Mrs. Davidow. Hello.
Hello. Mrs. Hardy.
Good morning. Chloe.
- Did you want to talk to me?
- Would you take over for a while?
I am concerned about Chloe's arm.
She has a scratch...
- Excuse me.
- She said Leonard Pierson did it.
You know. It's time for us to do
some serious sharing...
and interfacing about Chloe.
Mrs. Hardy.
Can I offer you a cup of decaf?
So what do you think?
Is this beautiful?
Isn't it great?
Leather. The whole thing.
What do you say we go for a ride?
I'll go grab the keys.
Come on. I'll get the keys.
I'll be right back.
This is it. I can feel it.
I can smell it.
I'm taking them for
a test drive. I know it.
I sell this Beamer.
I'm off to Vegas. I got 'em.
I got 'em. Got 'em. Got 'em!
Oh. My God! My God!
Mel. Can you open up that window?
I wanna take the 750 for a test drive.
- Can I tantalize you with something?
- I'm here to see Tom.
A mistake.
but I'll be right back.
So. You're finally buying a car.
Thinking about it.
I'll see you later. Be right back.
Got it definitely under control.
I left Larry.
Are you crazy?
You stupid shit!
- That was really great.
- It was great.
- It wasn't so great.
- What? It was great.
No. It was different.
Well...
it's different in a bed.
It's not the bed.
It's different.
You're different.
Well. It's different
now that you're...
- Now that I'm what?
- Now that you're...
on your own.
Oh. My God.
I just realized something.
You're one of those men who can only
do this because you're married.
You're not interested in anyone...
- You'd have to be responsible to.
- Calm down.
I'm up for a new position
in the fashion office.
I took time out today
because I thought that maybe you...
- You thought that maybe I'd what?
- Nothing.
- There's a run in my pantyhose!
- What's the matter with you?
I'm being tested and...
punished for my stupidity!
I deserve this.
She looks much better.
Hey. What a great surprise.
I had no idea how much
I loved sanding.
Is sandpapering going to be
your next job?
I don't think so. I was thinking
you and me should open a restaurant.
Do you cook?
No. But I do dishes.
A restaurant? Where?
Somewhere we can hang a sign that says
"Gone sailing" anytime we want.
- And people would understand?
- Understand? Are you kidding me?
People will approve.
And what about your son. Wife?
Mitch goes to spend next term
with his mother in San Francisco...
then college.
Tish...
I don't know what she wants...
but it certainly isn't me.
It must be beautiful out there.
Does that mean you're gonna
come along?
Chloe has been lying...
about a boy attacking her...
when actually she has been
beating on him.
The teacher thinks she is
acting out her anger toward Tom.
The other day she put a cat
in the school dryer.
The teacher thinks it is 'cause
she doesn't get enough attention...
'cause...
I'm not doing a good enough job.
No. Now kids go through stages.
My husband and my daughter need me.
And us?
"Us?"
Well. We do what generally
people do.
Go on with their lives.
Maybe people aren't
supposed to be happy.
No. I don't believe that.
I came to say good-bye.
I know.
Have you been crying?
I have.
I have been crying a lot lately.
Making up for all these years
I didn't.
I'm fine.
You know. I'm only sorry
we never had a chance to dance.
- You all gotta be crazy!
- Pop. Please. I got enough problems.
Go home. I'll call you.
Listen to me for once. If you love
that woman the way I think you do...
sometimes in life you gotta
fight to the death.
I'm familiar with this philosophy.
Attila the Hun said it first.
Listen to what your father
Vincent Kozinski is saying first...
last and always.
You've got only one life to live.
You can either make it chicken shit
or chicken salad.
Good chops.
I'm glad you like them.
- My favorite.
- I know.
Thanks.
You're welcome.
Maybe...
we can make love later.
Good.
Thank you.
Phil said there's a future in garbage.
Never thought it was my future.
You were very generous in your
business dealings. Very generous.
- Don't let it get around.
- You are not such a tough guy.
- Tough guy would make a pass at you.
- But not you.
No? I'd say. "I got this
big empty house in the country.
Come and visit me
and we can celebrate."
I'd say.
"I am too old for traveling."
I love you. Edie.
My God.
All right. All right.
Poor baby. Poor angel.
You still wanna kill people?
- No. They're too stupid.
- You're telling me.
Your grandfather's about to marry
the Bermuda Triangle.
That's very good. Very good.
God bless.
Hi. Vince.
- Father.
- Pleasure.
- You know my son. I'm sure.
- Nice to see you again.
- You're late.
- You've met Cathy. Haven't you?
Cathy. This is Tish.
Tish. This is Cathy.
It's nice to meet you.
What? What?
Start! Start!
It's too late.
I did it.
Look at those kids...
cute.
Here we go.
Vincent. Will you take this woman
to be your wife?
- Yeah. Can I kiss her?
- Not yet.
- Say "I will."
- I will.
Edie. Will you take this man
to be your husband?
I will.
Vincent and Edie...
you've made this solemn covenant of
marriage before God and this company.
Always follow your bliss.
Always follow what your heart says.
I now pronounce you
man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
At this point. Ladies and gentlemen.
we need a volunteer from the audience.
- Somebody who will lend us a hand...
- Me. Sit.
or perhaps his whole body.
I think we have one here.
How are you. Sir? What's your name?
Hi. How are you?
Stan. We're going to ask you
to remove your jacket.
And Michelle will help you
off with it there.
Another girl in here?
Try not to be funnier
than the magician.
Just lie down.
Make yourself comfortable.
- We don't have to stay here long.
- I'm fine.
But I don't want you
to feel uncomfortable.
Why would I feel uncomfortable?
I'm not if you're not.
Easy. Boy.
Okay. Here we go.
- Ready?
- That's good.
Congratulations on your promotion.
It agrees with you.
You've never looked more beautiful.
Thank you.
I've redone the apartment.
It's sort of postmodern
meets the Jetsons.
- You should see it sometime.
- I will. I will.
I'm good now.
Don't go away.
- You want a drink?
- No thank you.
I'm gonna get a drink.
We're going to show you something
really puzzling.
- I'm sorry.
- Do you know why I married you?
My money?
Your eyes. I thought a man with
your eyes would never hurt a woman.
Have I?
Good luck. Larry.
Thank you.
What we're going to do is introduce
you to a little friend of mine...
Sammy the Saw.
You wanna go home? Good.
Let's talk to Daddy. We'll leave.
He didn't have that much
to begin with.
Hold on. Wait.
You know. I came this close
to having her.
Ready?
- That was fantastic.
- But we're not finished yet.
Put him together later on.
I wanna dance with my wife.
Give us a waltz.
They look so sweet.
Tell your story walking.
Maria. Would you dance with me?
- No. She won't.
- Please. Tom.
Well. Then how 'bout spending
the rest of your life with me?
- What are you talking about?
- I haven't fought for a long time...
but if you wanna fight.
I will fight.
- Please. Please.
- Fine.
What's going on here?
I'm trying to make some chicken
salad out of chicken shit here.
Maria. Everyone is looking.
Wait a minute. I've kept my part
of the bargain for Chloe's sake.
Maybe Chloe deserves more
than a bargain.
You come and get in the car with me
now or I'm leaving you for good.
Larry Kozinski. I would love
to dance with you.
- Dance! Please. Everybody dance!
- Dance!
I'm taking my present back.
- Come on. Mitch.
- Here we go.
- Mitch. Come on.
- Come on. Quick. We're gonna leave.
Come on. Please.
Come on. Mitch. Hurry up.
No. Dad.
Dad. Stop it.
What are you doing?
What are you doing?