Cougar Club (2007) - full transcript
When Spence and Hogan graduate from college, life is bleak. They have to work for heinous divorce lawyers that torture them. Spence has a girlfriend from hell and Hogan just wants to start his life already. As luck would have it, our two young men are presented with an opportunity, they develop a club of young men devoted to the older woman, the "Cougar" if you will. It is this club that ultimately guides our two heroes into young adulthood.
Liberate me,
liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me...
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me...
You've got your whole life
- ahead of you.
- Yeah.
- People you are still gonna meet.
- I know.
Whole college experience
still in front of you.
- Mmm, you're right.
- Mmm.
You promise
you're gonna write and call me?
Hogan! Man, what the hell
are you doing?
They're already on the Ds.
- Mm-hmm. Shit.
- Mmm.
Hello, Professor Goodbey.
Come on.
We gotta go.
Gladys, I'm never
gonna forget you.
- You're so hot.
- No no no.
All right. Sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you, Gladys.
Rebecca Gephardt.
Indigo Goldstein.
Thank you very much, sir.
Liberate me...
Dag Griffiths.
Well done.
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Oh, lip gloss.
- Chris Grizma, magna cum laude.
Hey, where were you?
We were supposed
to take pictures before the ceremony!
- Moffy Gurner.
- I know. Uh... um...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Cindy Guilley.
- Here.
Open it and put it on.
Oh my God.
That is so sweet, Spence.
- Rebecca Hartowicz.
- Oh.
- Oh...
- Hello, Rebecca.
Let me see it.
- Oh...
- That's nice.
Fuck off, Hogan!
- Marshall Hogan lll.
- That is my name. I must go.
Shit, I think I caught my dress.
Did I rip something?
Oh.
You're such an ingrate, Hogan!
Spencey, please meet me
in the quad
after the ceremony
for pictures with my family, okay?
This is the photo that will define us
for the rest of our lives--
where we met and fell in love.
Spencer Holmes,
with honors.
Okay, I'll see you there.
I love you.
Mmm...
Congratulations.
Ladies and gentlemen,
meet our business class graduates.
It's just not the same
as standing in the quad
- in our cap and gown.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
- but I had to take Hogan home.
- Mmm.
You know he has a problem
dumping in public bathrooms.
- Nice image, thanks.
- Okay, look.
We have a photo in front
of my childhood tree house
I built when I was nine.
Isn't that good enough?
It's just not the same.
- Let's go get a drink.
- Okay.
Hey, can I get a beer
and a shot of tequila and a--
a thumb in the ass
for my girlfriend?
Look, all our problems revolve
around your geriatric-loving
loser creep of a friend.
And as soon as you outgrow him,
the sooner you'll be
- to reaching your potential.
- Just enough with Hogan, please.
No. No, Spencey.
If you spend the rest of your life
associating yourself
with that vermin,
you will become
that vermin.
Spencey-- hey, I love you,
I just want
what's best for you.
- I love you too. You know--
- Mmm...
Oh my God.
I'll be right back.
Just so you know,
he will not be in our wedding.
What is that young man
doing out there with Edith?
I never saw anybody dance like that.
Hey, are you sure they're dancing?
If they're not,
he owes me some fucking money!
- Hogan, what the hell are you doing?
- Spence!
- I'd like you to meet Edith Birnbaum.
- Spence!
Hello. Marshall here says
I'm the hottest chick at the party.
- What do you think?
- Yeah.
- Whoo!
- Hogan, I'm sorry.
- I gotta borrow him for one minute.
- Ooh.
- One second, we'll be right back.
- What?
Do you really think
it's wise to get all grindy
with our future boss's wife?
Dude, she is so fucking fine
and you know it!
Look at that little tush.
Look at her tushy.
- I don't understand you.
- Hey, how's the graduation boy doing?
Hey, all right.
Hey, thanks-- thanks
for the party, Dad.
Yeah, my pleasure, son.
My pleasure.
Yeah, Dad, thank you.
You really outdid yourself.
Just remember to mention
Stan Birnbaum in your speech today.
The guy never leaves
his frigging hospital.
He came out for your graduation
because he believes in you, son.
We'll get you at Yale Law in no time.
Stan, it's my boy right here!
Here he is!
Stan. Nobody is more connected
to Yale Law than Stan Birnbaum.
Thank you for putting in a good word
for me, by the way.
Mrs. Holmes is responsible
for that, Marshall.
Maybe you should talk to her.
Don't forget, Spence.
Guess I lost that bet
we had two years ago.
- What-- what bet?
- I bet you wouldn't graduate.
Oh, yeah? Oh.
- Okay.
- Now I have to show you my tits.
- Really? That's so great!
- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me.
- Do you wanna touch them?
Yes. Oh!
Hi, sweet-- oh, hello.
Who's this pretty thing?
Casey Dixon.
Oh, aren't you just
the most charming girl?
It's nice to see you two
getting along so well.
Spencey, cake in 10 minutes.
Thanks, Mom.
Ahem, excuse me.
- Where's Hogan?
- Uh...
I don't know.
Thank you all for being here today.
First, I'd like to take
this opportunity
to thank my parents for all
the love and support they've given me.
I couldn't be more blessed.
I would also like to thank
my girlfriend Amanda
- for all the lov--
- Oh. Whoo-hoo!
I'll begin work next week
at Birnbaum, Arthur,
Hollace, Craft & Steel.
Uh, that's Birnbaum, Hollace,
Arthur, Craft & Steel.
I'm sorry.
I should probably learn that.
In any case, I am very grateful
to you, Mr. Birnbaum,
and I look forward to working
for you and learning a great deal.
What can I say?
I'm a very lucky man.
Eww.
- Oh my God.
- Busted.
Uh...
Sorry.
- Well...
- You okay?
...I don't think I ever actually begged
a man before today.
Well, what did Mr. Birnbaum say?
I'm sorry, Spence, but, uh...
he will no longer require
your services at his firm.
What about me?
Would he require my services?
Dad! Dad.
You know what, Dad?
It's okay, I got accepted into Baker.
- Maybe I should--
- Nonsense!
No one's heard of Baker!
We are gonna solve this one.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a man at the club.
- Oh.
- Barry Stack is his name.
- He's an 18-holer, fine man.
- Uh-huh. Oh... Oh!
A Yalie and he's head
of the biggest divorce firm in LA.
- See?
- Not as connected as Birnbaum,
but that's okay.
I'll make a call on your behalf.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah.
What about Marshall?
Well, he's practically family, Fred.
And I'm sure he's very sorry
for what happened, aren't you, dear?
Yes, I am. I really--
I truly am, ma'am-- Mom.
Come on, Dad.
Give him another chance.
- Fine.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Fine fine fine. If he screws this up,
- he's our punter this month.
- No problem.
And for you, son, I would be
disappointed beyond repair.
- Dad.
- Oh!
Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh...
I'll try Mr. Stack again, all right?
Oh, nice.
Oh... nice.
Beautiful.
Good. Good good good.
Mr. Stack, your interview is here.
I'm coming.
- He'll be right out.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
You look so...
refreshing today.
And the flower
is a very sweet touch.
You look lovely.
Stop.
Oh!
You're so fucking good-looking.
Ahh.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
Why the hell are you two
just sitting there?
Us?
- Did you pass the bar yet?
- Haven't been to law school yet, sir.
"Oh, we haven't been
to law school yet, sir."
So you're just
a couple of shit turds.
- Excuse me?
- Yes, sir, we are.
- Do you shit turds wanna work here?
- Yes, sir.
Well, then, why am l...
Iooking for my ball
and you're just sitting in there?!
And you!
Those plants--
they need dusting.
- Plants?
- Uh, dusting?
Good. Good good good.
You're hired, you're hired,
you're all fucking hired!
He forgets sometimes
he hired me over 15 years ago.
Oh.
- Is that Mr. Stack?
- Oh, no. That was Mr. Archibald.
But don't worry, he has hiring
and firing privileges too.
I'll show you where we keep
the plant maintenance kit.
Don't they have plant maintenance
people for stuff like that?
Oops. They only come
once a week.
Mr. Archibald
likes it done twice.
It's okay.
Once you make partner
you won't have to do it anymore.
Good morning, Angelenos.
It's gonna be a hot,
muggy one out there today,
busting up to the century mark.
And on to the news.
The stock market is up 12 points
and, in sports, the LA Cougars
won the WABA Championship
by 16 points.
And in entertainment news,
it says here a '60s sex symbol...
Spence, would you get that?
...on Pacific Coast Highway.
That's right, that's what it says.
You bar-flunking freak!
Where in the hell
did you get these numbers?
I don't know.
It's that Karl guy.
You know what I heard?
The poor bastard fucks
the file cabinets to blow off steam.
You butt-licker!
What part of your maggot-rotten brain
shit out these numbers?
- Well, obviously, I made a mistake.
- Well, obviously.
And now Sarah Tucker's alimony
is on the line!
Better fix it--
best piece of ass I've ever had.
Did you hear that?
The best piece of ass
he's ever had.
Who brought you in here, anyway?
Well, my Uncle William is
a good friend of Mr. Conrad.
Well, that's not gonna save you
when you flunk the bar next month,
because next month
you're gonna be good and fired.
- I hope not.
- Good and fired!
Karl, do you need to use the bathroom
or did you already shit in your pants?
I might have
dripped a little, but, umm--
It wasn't a real question,
you taint-licking hemorrhoid.
These guys are fuckers.
I gotta go get the file boxes.
Loosen up, would you?
Hi.
- Are you gay?
- What?
No.
No...
Whoa, big fella. Down.
It's not polite to point
in the office.
Gonna plant that mushroom?
A little young for me, but--
oh, for you...
I have-- I have to get
the file boxes.
- Okay.
- Okay. Take care of some business
- while you're in there.
- Okay.
I'm gonna push out
a little turtle head.
- I'll meet you back in there.
- All right.
Hey hey hey!
You two-- shit-turd guys--
get in here and get
the jelly out of my toes.
- Uh...
- Mmm, mmm.
I want you to really get in there--
under the nail.
And give us a nice trim
while you're down there.
What's going on with Doreen Wyes?
- I gave you that lead a week ago.
- I'm on it, I'm sending an employee
over to Formosa
Wednesday at 6:00,
'cause that's where her husband
meets his girlfriend.
Took you a fucking week
to figure that out?!
There was some confusion
about which restaurant.
Whatever.
Send someone fucking good this time.
- Ouch!
- Sorry. Sorry.
I-- I didn't know this was
part of your body.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
That's good, that's good.
Oh...
Uh, anything else, sir?
Yeah yeah, there is.
I got to this little piece
of dried-up shit turd
that needs to be pulled
out of my ass.
Come on.
I'm kidding you!
Get out.
Dude, these lawyers...
are a bunch of sweaty jackals,
feeding off
of the weak and sick
and injured little gazelles and shit.
I mean, do you really want
one of these... scavengers
- referring you to Yale?
- Right now,
it's the best contact I have,
but there's no reason
you should stay here.
Where the hell am I gonna go?
Go wherever you want.
Spence, now you know
I can't stand
anyone that isn't
a hot older woman or you.
So wherever you go, I follow.
This may sound
a little weak, lame,
- even a little gay to some people...
- Yeah.
...but fuck it.
I know what I like.
- Hogan.
- All right.
Let's get you in Yale.
Karl!
Out of my office, butt-licker!
Hey, shit turd!
Grab your shit-turd friend
and get in here.
Hogan!
Hey!
Silver BMW 535--
it's in the parking lot
in the golf club in Bel Air.
Here's the license plate.
Find it and slash the tires.
Go. Now.
Isn't that illegal?
Okay. No, I know
that it's illegal,
but why would you want us
to do something illegal?
My guess would be
that the driver has
an afternoon court appearance
that if he were to miss
would cause him to severely fall
out of favor with the judge,
considering that
it's probably over custody
or some sticky issue like that.
The judge will look more favorably
on the party that is actually in
the courtroom standing in front of him.
Very good, shit-turd's friend.
Now, when you're done with that,
you deliver these papers to my wife.
She's at some bake sale
with her girlfriends.
The address is on the envelope.
Tell her she can have her divorce
as long as she understands
that she's now...
totally fucked.
Tell her that--
- verbatim.
- Yes, sir.
You're still here. Why?
Dude, these guys make
so much fucking bank here.
- Wow.
- I'm quitting my job.
Hey, assholes.
I've been rotting here
for five minutes.
I don't wanna put you out or anything,
but do you mind fetching my car?!
"Studman." Studman!
Of course, we help you.
- I run for studs.
- What do we do?
I don't know.
A couple of things feel good to me.
Okay, I go fast
for you now.
A couple jerk-off
valet parkers.
So listen, I changed
at the country club
and I'll be in court
within the hour.
What the fuck
are you looking at?
Que?
Just some valet puke
giving me the stinkeye.
Guy's a moron.
So listen, wrap up the Chicago deal,
let's get to Vegas.
Yeah, I've got the four tee times
and strippers lined up.
No, I'm not bringing my wife.
What are you talking about?
She starting to take me
to the cleaners in this divorce.
No, I'm thinking of taking
that cute little court reporter
from the Stony case.
She was pretty good orally,
but I tell you...
...she had a snatch the size
of the Lincoln Tunnel.
It's like fucking
a warm bucket of water.
No, but I'll give you five...
Wha-- what the fuck?
It's a little sticky
coming out of second,
but other than that--
I'm gonna kick your face in!
Hogan, holy shit, man!
Come on, let's go!
- Come on, go go go go go!
- Ah!
You son of a bitch!
That was crazy, Hogan.
I think maybe you took
that one a little too far, huh?
What? You have job, you do it right.
- Okay.
- Huh?
This is it.
Whoa.
Gotta work on
your accent, by the way.
- Really?
- It was terrible.
I told you to prepare, you're not--
you're not getting prepared.
- Weird, I thought I was pretty good.
- You almost blew it.
Hmm.
Come in.
I'm sure you will enjoy these.
They come
in all different kinds.
They're like Easter eggs.
And it will go
with anything you're wearing...
or not wearing.
This one, my little darlings,
is called "The Fire Alarm."
And trust me,
where your orgasms are concerned--
all of you--
this one is the four-alarm fire
that you have
been begging for.
Look at it. Isn't it cute?
Feliney metropolitanis.
What?
Cougars.
Everywhere.
Oh my God,
look at the variety.
Oh my, that's a Rolls-Royce,
very hard to nab.
...spankings!
There's some Cadillacs,
a little bit easier.
Oh my God, a Trans Am.
Not exactly my flavor,
but definitely has appeal.
Oh my God.
My personal favorite,
a Silver Fox. Oh, so many
possibilities in one sitting.
Down.
Thank you very much.
We'll have some refreshments.
This is a private party,
but what can I do
for you two hunky hunks?
We are Spence Holmes
and Marshall Hogan lll,
and we're looking
for a Daniela Stack.
And what is this regarding?
Well, we work
for her husband and...
he wanted us to...
give her this.
Oh. Oh, then you work
for my husband too.
I'm Teddy Archibald.
- No way.
- No way.
So...
what exactly goes on
at this sort of party?
Well, we're just looking to spice up
our libidos a little bit.
Aha. Yeah, I see. I see.
Marshall!
What a pleasant surprise!
Oh, hey.
Oh.
Ladies, meet Marshall Hogan lll.
Our spectacular afternoon together
became my inspiration
for finding Lulu here
and her "Art of Pleasure" schooling.
Praise the clitoris, Edith.
Yes!
I came alive under
Mr. Hogan's tutelage,
and my life's mission
is to help you experience
an awakening such as mine.
Aside from handling me so expertly,
he suggested I switch
to the Vivelle Dot
hormone replacement therapy.
And I must say
it's worked wonders.
Wonders!
Whoo!
Marshall.
Perhaps you and your friend
can help us out?
Oh, anything.
Well, maybe...
you could gather a group
of your friends
who enjoy doing
what you enjoy doing,
and we could connect them
with my friends
who enjoy doing
what I enjoy doing.
Sounds like the cougars
need their prey.
Ooh, well said.
We'll be in touch.
Now, ladies,
Lulu will take
your orders here.
Grab a clipboard.
Cindy Conrad,
Iet me formally introduce you
to Spence Holmes
and Marshall Hogan.
To Spence Holmes
and Marshall Hogan.
They work for the firm.
They work for the firm.
Ah. So you know that
ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.
Ah. So you know that
ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.
Have you seen Daniela around?
Have you seen Daniela around?
They have something for her.
They have something for her.
Oh yeah, I dragged her here.
She's inside somewhere.
Oh yeah, I dragged her here.
She's inside somewhere.
Mmm, happy birthday to me.
Mmm, happy birthday to me.
If you want,
I could give the papers to Daniela.
That's okay, Teddy.
I'll take them.
Oops.
I assume he finally signed
my divorce papers?
Yeah, um...
and he-- he also said--
he said he wanted us to say...
well, 'cause he wanted to--
Hello, Marshall Hogan lll.
It's nice to see you again.
And may I say
you deserve a future
of lasting happiness and peace?
And may I also say
you've probably never
Iooked or felt better in your life,
am I right?
Daniela Stack,
this is my best friend,
Spencer Holmes.
Hi.
Daniela Darren now.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Our job is done here,
and we hope
to see you again.
I hope so.
Hi.
Stop saying hi.
- Hi.
- You're dehydrated.
Bye.
Hi.
I mean,
she just looked
right at me and said,
"l hope so."
Oh my God.
What am I gonna do?
You know what you're gonna do?
Whatever the fuck you want.
Now, you want to be with this woman,
be with this woman.
Be with her and Amanda, who cares?
Be with all of 'em.
Yeah, Stack too.
Fuck him...
good and hard,
right up the ass.
Just fuckin' do what you want.
- I tell you what else you're gonna do.
- What?
This Edith thing.
Dude, right now my whole life
revolves around Yale Law.
I know,
and you're going to Yale Law.
Okay, I have no doubt
about that.
But that's, like, the future.
I'm talking now,
- and you're doing this Edith thing.
- What are you talking about?
Edith!
Edith and the cougars!
What?
Wait, you want us to charge them
to have sex with us?
No.
No.
We charge our friends
to have sex with them.
- All right.
- You see?
Now listen.
We start a little country club, okay?
A "Cougar Club," if you will, right?
And we charge membership fees
and shit like that.
- Is that legal?
- Fuck it-- yes!
I don't know.
Who cares?
I care! I have to.
I, uh, no.
- No no no no no, I can't do it.
- Oh...
- "Cougar Club."
- Oh come, Spence, would you stop
saying no to everything?
Do you not get bored of that?
Say "yes."
Yes, 'cause it feels so good.
Yes, because you've never
taken a risk in your life, my friend.
Yes, because
Daniela Darren said,
"l hope so"!
Yes, because Edith Birnbaum
fucking demands it.
"Supply us nice, horny cougars
with nice, horny young prey."
Aw, shit.
Why can't I ever say yes to you?
Because sometimes Spencey
says "no" when he means "yes."
Thank you, Mom.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, well... night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Mmm!
"Because sometimes Spencey
says 'no' when he means 'yes."'
- That was a fucking omen.
- Okay okay, shut up.
For once in your life,
would you do something just for you?
Say what you really want to say.
How will it work?
We'll target 100 guys to start.
That first group will pay $500
for the first year to join,
and any members
after that will pay $1,000.
They'll have direct access
of all our cougar-sponsored events.
Now that includes access to profiles,
phone numbers-- whole thing.
And on the women's side,
Edith will be out in the wild
gathering our hunters, marking them
with the gold Cougar Club necklace.
All of our picks will
be those who strive to be with
and who embrace
the older woman, or the cougar.
And finally, we'll save room
for our one "must join."
You tell me when, okay?
You tell me when!
You-you tell me when.
Want a whole dance, do ya?
You want a whole d--
ahh! You're looking right at me.
Karl? Karl, Karl.
How long has this disaster
been going on, man?
- Too long.
- Mmm.
We're concerned, Karl.
Yeah. And we--
we understand your need here.
We do, it's just maybe you
and your little plastic friend
would like to bang
something other than the files?
Like what?
- Like a woman...
- Yeah.
...for God's sakes.
Yeah right.
Not just any woman-- no.
Larry Archibald's woman.
- His mistress?
- No, dude, his wife.
We're starting a cougar club
for guys just like you,
and we want you
to be a member.
You do?
Yeah.
Now, it's 500 bucks to join,
but it's well worth all the access
you're gonna have
not only to Archibald's wife,
but all the other wives
and the cougar friends
they're gonna bring with them.
Yeah, but $500-- that's--
I mean, God, l...
Okay, you know what?
Yes, please.
Yes, I'll-- yeah, all right.
What's a cougar?
- We'll explain later.
- Yeah.
Clean yourself up.
We'll explain it to you.
Here you go.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Here you go.
All right, man,
welcome to the club.
- Oh thanks.
- Whoa, you're hot.
All right,
welcome to the club.
All right.
Okay, welcome to Cougar Club.
All right, now, all of your credit cards
will be swiped
at every event to ensure
that all payments
have been received.
If they're not,
you will have the opportunity to make
these payments at the event.
Now, for a little taste
of what your new membership's
gonna bring you.
Mmm!
Yeah, this little sweetie's
name is lngrid Stone,
Ferrari.
She's a divorc?e,
working at one
of LA's finest financial firms,
and she enjoys the headrush
she gets from a vertical 69.
So, gentlemen,
Iet the hunt begin.
Dolly.
Oh God, oh...
- Sorry, Dolly.
- Don't fuckin' stop!
Hey, shit turd,
meet me in my office.
Shouldn't I clean
the bathrooms first?
You heard me. Get in here!
So why are you
working at this firm,
shit turd?
Can you please stop
calling me "shit turd"?
Mmm.
Why are you here...
shit turd?
I want real-world experience
before I attend law school.
Well, most people go straight
to law school. Why didn't you?
Well, I was accepted to Baker
and Anderson Lee--
- Never heard of 'em.
- Right right.
And what school
weren't you accepted to?
Well, that would be Yale, sir.
Now you see?
That one I've heard of.
So when I asked you
why you were here,
you didn't tell me
the truth, did you?
Oh.
The truth is you're here
because you need me to give you
a recommendation letter
to guarantee you
acceptance into Yale.
You're here because you're
too stupid to get in on your own,
and you need me
to help do it for you.
Now it seems
your dear old dad
is on his hands and knees
ready to blow
to make sure his shit turd
of a son gets into Yale.
Now what do you think
I should tell dear old Dad?
I don't know.
Well, I think you should tell him
that you're my bitch.
And maybe if you do
everything I tell you,
your shit-turd ass might
wind up in Yale.
Who authorized you
to change the locks to my house?
You did.
Read the pre-nup, sugar.
You know I still have
my things in there, don't you?
Look, if you can't read the pre-nup,
why don't you have your lawyer
or some hack read it for you?
Or if you want to make it
easy on yourself,
just stay married to me.
I'd rather be dead.
And by the way,
this box of lingerie...
not mine,
you son of a bitch.
Don't you have
a toilet bowl to lick dry?
Yeah. Yup.
- Are you okay?
- Go. Go.
Go go.
What's-- what's going on?
Hey. Hi.
What you did
back there was...
was good.
It was really good,
and I just want you
to know that...
if you need
a place to stay,
you can stay at my house.
Let me give you my number.
That's very sweet,
but I'm staying with a friend.
Nice to see you again, Spence.
Wait wait wait, um...
Would it be totally inappropriate
to invite you to dinner?
I just don't think
I'm ready to see anybody right now.
Thanks for asking.
It's nice to be asked.
I just invited her
to stay at my parents' house.
Wow.
What am I doing?
Archibald just called me.
He's screaming
for a foot scrub.
I told him you'd be right up.
And stay away from the wives!
Present, future, uh... past.
Got it, dick hole?
- Come on, Karl.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- All right.
So good, they don't know shit
about Cougar Club.
No, but we gotta be careful.
Their antennas are up,
all of their antennas are up.
- 'Night, boys.
- Good night, my little carnation.
Oh!
Hogan?
Thank you, baby.
Hey.
Is Conrad's wife hot?
I don't remember.
Yeah, but she's like 38.
Oh. Little young for me.
I'll do her anyway,
that way Karl here
can do Archibald's wife,
I'll hit Conrad's,
you can hit Stack's.
- Cool.
- I'm not hitting Stack's wife.
I don't even know what
I'm doing with Stack's wife.
You can do it.
Oh shit.
Hi. Did you lose my number?
- No.
- Get in.
There you go.
See you at home.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ah. This is a nice surprise.
- Mm-hmm.
You are the boys,
I'm just a girl
We're not the same,
we're from different worlds
You think you're smart
but you're no fun
How hard is it
to fall in love?
Boys...
So, why are you avoiding me?
I'm-- I'm not. I just--
work has been really--
If you have something important
to say to me, then just say it.
Amanda, I don't.
I just-- just wanna go in
and go to sleep.
Fine, let's go in
and go to sleep.
Can't sleep with you
at my parents' house.
That's right.
That's why I think
you should move in with me.
Oh, Amanda.
We are ready
for that next step, Spencey--
our first apartment.
And I'm even willing to cover the rent,
because I know you'll be
facing enormous law-school bills
and I know my assistance to you
will be paid back to me tenfold
once you're out of law school
and we're married!
Wow, Amanda--
It'll be like that movie,
"Pay It Forward," with Kevin Spacey.
You'll be Helen Hunt,
I'll be Kevin Spacey.
Okay, I didn't see that one.
Amanda, look, I think we--
- Spencey, I love you.
- I love you too.
It's just, I'm not--
Shh shh shh shh.
Just think about it.
It's perfect. Okay?
- Kiss.
- Okay.
Lip gloss, though.
All right.
Four-leaf clover. Agh!
Here we go.
You boys sleep tight.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
See, you think Amanda's gonna
do shit like this for you?
What are you doing?
What? This is avocado
and banana.
You use this stuff,
you never go bald.
- Really?
- Yup.
- It's tingling.
- Is it supposed to?
I don't know.
So, what's the deal again
with Mrs. Birnbaum?
Okay, now Edith's gonna get a 10 % fee
for supplying us
with hundreds of hot cougars.
- Totally worth it.
- All right.
- Wow.
- Did you give her the divorc?e files
- from the office?
- Yes.
And she's totally set up for success.
Now, all we need
is one kick-ass party
to get the word-of-mouth
we kind of need to expand here.
And I want to go all the way
with this Cougar Club thing.
I'm talking lnternet,
magazines, calendars.
I want to go full-on,
nationwide organization.
- It's burning! Burning now!
- Man, you should really
- just wash that out.
- Yes!
Hoo!
So, where should
our first party be?
Marshall, I just don't know
how to thank you for this.
Barnaby's in Manhattan Beach
is one of our absolute favorites.
Isn't it, Fred?
Oh no, are you kidding me?
Thank you
for letting me show
my gratitude to you two.
Oh, isn't that sweet, Fred?
Okay, come on.
- Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?
- Let's go.
Tonight's gonna be
a big night actually,
- 'cause we have a meeting of all...
- Wow!
- Might have a few people over...
- Oh.
...watch some movies,
play some games.
- Naked Marco Polo.
- That sounds nice.
Well, there are plenty
of sodas in the fridge.
- Awesome.
- Have a good time.
Thanks, Mom.
Come on, honey.
Do you have any idea how much
hot cougar ass is gonna be here tonight?
Completely out of control.
All three of the bosses' wives
are gonna be represented.
- Wow.
- Operation Bosses'-wife-Fuck
is definitely a go.
Bye-bye!
- Okay, calm down.
- Yeah, okay.
- Seriously, calm down.
- Roll, bitches!
One two three four
Loaded cougar
motherfuckers!
Comin' atcha...
Teddy Archibald.
Hey, you look ravishing tonight.
- Doesn't she, guys?
- Well, thank you, Hogan.
Oh, you're so welcome.
Who's your little friend?
Teddy Archibald, I'd like you
to meet Karl Dessler.
Hello, Karl.
Hi... ah!
Hey!
I'm not sure she's even a woman.
Uh, I'm not sure he'll even notice.
Mm, you're right.
Whoo!
Cindy Conrad is here.
Oh.
- I remember now, Trans Am.
- Uh-huh.
Let's go get reacquainted.
Holy shit, she's here. I can't--
Spence, no. Hey, come on.
Don't puss out now.
Oh, Cindy Conrad.
Wow.
- Marshall Hogan.
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you again.
- Yeah.
Wanna fuck?
Okay.
- Hi, Spence.
- Hi.
Can l, uh, get you a drink or...
anything? Yeah.
Do you mind if l...?
Thanks.
So...
how's it going?
Never better. He's dating someone
he thinks he could marry,
so I'm hearing less from him,
which is great.
Can I ask you something?
"Why did I marry him
in the first place?"
No no no, I didn't mean to pry,
it's just that...
you are too beautiful and smart
and nice to be married
to a guy like him.
I won't miss the way
you're looking at me right now.
Everyone looks at me that way,
even when they hear he's my husband.
- I feel bad for you.
- Well don't,
because I kinda hate that.
I'm not a victim. I left.
Look, Cindy dragged me here tonight,
but it's really not my scene.
I'm not into
a meaningless relationship
with some guy who wasn't even
born before disco.
Excuse me.
Wait.
Peek-a-boo.
- Trans...
- Mmm!
...am.
Uh-oh.
- Watcha doin' down there?
- Hide...
and seek.
What is she doing?
She's in there.
Uh-oh! Can l...
Ow!
Ah!
Sorry about the bed.
The... king size
is on back order,
so...
Do you and Hogan
share a room?
What?
No. No no no no.
Nope.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Mm-- ow.
How do you feel...
about feet?
Ow.
Mm, oh!
Oh, just...
- it's so hard, just need a minute.
- Okay okay.
Shh shh.
Okay.
- No more "shush."
- I'm ready.
I know,
I can feel it.
- Ooh!
- Mm.
- So young.
- Yeah, so young.
So young.
Oh yeah!
Take your time!
You know that if you smack my ass,
it doesn't move.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Smack it.
Punch it if you want to.
Go ahead.
Smack it! Smack it!
- Okay?
- Whoo! Ha ha ha!
Wah!
Mommy.
Drop your panties
to the floor
- Come on...
- Wanna do it again?
Drop your panties...
Yep.
Drop your panties
to the floor
To the floor,
to the floor
Drop your panties
Drop your panties...
Holy shit.
It's my parents.
Spencer, you're a 22-year-old man.
You're allowed to have sex.
No no, it's not--
it's not the sex part.
It's the--
the party part.
Holy shit, it's Barry.
- What?
- Barry, my ex-husband.
Your boss!
Fuck! Don't move.
Stay here until I get back.
- Nice place.
- Oh, thanks.
Mom and Dad are home,
and they're with Barry Stack.
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Go outside, make sure everyone stays
out of the fuckin' house.
Yeah. Go go go go.
- Go go go go go go!
- Come on!
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding me?
Take it outside!
Okay, here we... come on.
Here we are.
Mom, Dad!
Mr. Stack!
Wow, what a surprise.
Well, this is great.
Look who we ran into
at Barnaby's, huh?
He was at a wedding reception
in the outside garden.
- Oh, it was stunning.
- Oh, I see, I see.
I thought-- I thought you and Mom
were gonna spend the night, but...?
- Well...
- Oh, your dad had a touch of diarrhea.
So let's--
let's just go sit in the living room.
Uh, the living room, Mom,
that's a great idea.
No no, nonsense, nonsense.
The living room's for Yale-bred.
Men talk in the den.
- Hmm?
- Mmm.
Ah! Now we're talking, huh?
Oh-- whoa!
Watch your step there.
- Okay now, Fred,
- Yeah?
I'm gonna go get you
your little orange miracle-worker.
Anybody for coffee
or bundt cake?
- Fantastic.
- You know what, Mom?
Why don't you stay here
and I'll go get the coffee...
Oh honey, no, you sit.
Honey, Dad and Mr. Stack
are gonna talk
about your
recommendation letter to Yale.
- You stay.
- It would be inappropriate
for me to try to influence
Mr. Stack directly.
No no no, sit sit sit.
Excuse me.
He's an... impetuous kid,
you know?
- Mo-- Mom!
- Oh honey! Didn't know you were here.
Sweetheart, would you look in
the fridge and get that bundt cake?
Sure, absolutely.
- Oh, and a can of whipped cream.
- Uh...
- I don't see it.
- Really, I know I bought some.
Oh good, you found it.
I knew I bought that.
Honey, is that your tummy?
Yeah yeah, I think I have a touch
of what Dad has.
Oh, sweetheart,
is there burning in your anus?
Yep yep, just a little bit.
Well, maybe you need
one of Dad's little orange pills.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm just gonna let it pass.
- You sure?
- Yes.
- That's a good idea.
- Well, all right.
You know where they are.
Come on, sweetheart,
follow me with that bundt cake.
Let's go.
Yeah, we don't want
to keep them waiting.
I know.
Get the fuck out of here!
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
- Ah, here.
All right.
Yeah, beautiful beautiful.
Oh.
Wow. Hogan's got a hell
of a Marco Polo game going on.
Marco Polo--
it's still popular, isn't it?
You sit--
you sit there, honey.
So Barry was telling me
there that...
you are quite the ambitious,
hard-working employee.
And you've got quite
the aptitude for the law.
- That-- that's great, Spence.
- Yeah.
- Here you go, Barry.
- Thanks, Mr. Stack.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, that sounds like
it's really deep in your cavity, honey.
- Just give me the pill, honey.
- Ooh.
- What are you doing?
- I'm in Cougar Club.
Right, and rule number one
of Cougar Club
is you don't fucking talk
about Cougar Club!
Now take her back
to your place.
All the beauty in the world
All the beauty
in the world...
I'm so glad that we...
- Hi!
- Amanda.
- Where were you?
- What are you doing here?
- What?
- We were supposed to go
on the horseback ride from
Beachwood Canyon to Glendale.
How could you forget that?
- It was sunset.
- Oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I had a meeting here
with my boss. Mr. Stack,
this is my girlfriend, Amanda.
Yeah, except you didn't know
I was gonna be here tonight.
How very nice
to meet you, Amanda.
I'm Barry Stack.
Is this true, Spencey?
It's, um--
what was the question?
Well, obviously you didn't
invite me to your party.
I mean, apparently I'm just
a little too young.
All the women
out there are really old.
Why are you partying
with a bunch of 50-year-olds?
Are you into old ladies, Spencey?
What? No.
I-- I don't know what
she's talking about.
I-l-l-l-I I don't know-- I don't know
how to thank you enough, Barry,
for this letter of recommendation.
It just means the world to us.
No thanks necessary, Fred.
Anyway, after all is said and done,
I think Spencey's
gonna earn that letter.
Of course-- of course--
of course he is. Of course, of course.
Let's go. Let's...
Oh.
Good night, Spence.
- Spence, what's going on?
- It's not--
Isn't she a little old
for Marco Polo?
Daniela, wait!
Spence? Spence!
I had no idea
he would be here, I swear.
Don't go.
Spence, I'm sorry.
You're a really nice guy,
but I don't want
anything here, okay?
- Come on, can't we just talk about it?
- Good night, Spence.
What the--?
You're not over him yet, are you?
Spence?
Are you having
a relationship with this old lady?
Oh my Go-- you know, I would
expect this from Hogan, okay?
He's-- he's sick!
But you?
Amanda, not now, just go home.
Daniela, wait!
You're a fucker, Spence!
Good morning, guys.
Your applicants are here.
What?
They're not supposed
to come here.
Thank you very much,
sweetheart.
I think we can take it from here.
Gentlemen?
So, tell us why
you want to be members
of Cougar Club.
Well, it's like--
I've been fantasizing
about my mom's friends
for a long time.
- So has he.
- Mm-hmm.
Right. Welcome.
- Yeah, okay.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Why don't you guys read these over?
A couple times.
Get the hell out of here.
That's 345 and 346.
We've more than tripled our membership.
It's just like you said.
- La-la-la!
- You know I don't like that.
- What?
- This, gross.
So I look at the question and the answer
just seems to pop into my head.
And I've been here
so many times before,
- and I go blank, so--
- Oh! Okay okay.
Is it a foot?
Mm-hmm.
Oh hell no.
No, try it, it's good.
Have you tried the toenail?
It's a secret ingredient.
What the...?
What is this?
Guys, I passed the bar.
- No, you didn't!
- I did.
Way to go, man.
I couldn't have done it
without you guys.
- Oh.
- Cougar Club--
I swear--
changed my life.
- That's sweet, man.
- Lsn't he sweet?
- It's true.
- Oh.
Hey, okay.
Okay, all right, Karl.
Have some celebratory cake.
Well well well.
Congratulations, butt-licker.
Thanks, Mr. Archibald.
And your wife.
Thank her for me too.
Attention shit turd
and shit-turd's friend.
Put down the fucking snacks
and get in here.
Oh, and a special congratulations
to douche bag.
I never thought you'd pass.
He knew my name.
Assignment time.
I need you shit turds to go
to L Oberman's house with a camera.
His address is in the folder.
I have knowledge
he does hookers by the pool
on Wednesdays at 3:00.
Take pictures
and bring them back to me.
Go!
You are aware, sir--
Are you speaking to me?
It's not what--
Spence?
By the way, I was wondering
if you were able
to finish my letter
of recommendation?
Not yet, shit turd.
Do you know when you might be
able to finish it? Because I really--
You'll know when
you're fucking looking at it!
Okay! Yeah.
We will know that
when we're looking at it.
We look forward to that.
Don't kill the asshole yet.
Look what I found
in shit-turd friend's backpack.
"Cougar Club"?
Hmm.
I think our wives
are involved in this.
I can't believe she's still in love
with that fucking guy.
Why won't she call me back?
Conrad's wife
won't stop calling me.
It's like, "Dude,
Ieave me the fuck alone."
Your mind should be dug out
and studied, man.
Why?
I know what I like.
Oh, ladies, I gotta go
pull on my bow.
What is that?
That, my friend, is a gold lam?
banana hammock.
No.
No, that's a bow and arrow.
Ay, caramba.
Oh shit.
Who the fuck?
Oh, sorry, shit turds.
I heard you got banged up a little,
but the firm really appreciates
you going that extra mile.
And hey, I'll write that letter
of recommendation
real soon.
- Everyone's paid up.
- Okay.
- Cool cool cool.
- Thanks for checking, Karl.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Ahem.
Hello, Cougar Club.
All right, nice to see you guys
showed up here today.
Let's talk about it.
How great was pool party?
How about Film-Your-Own-
Threesome Thursdays?
I'm gonna take it down
a notch here
because some of you are
a little skittish about this one--
you're regretting it now--
a little something called
"Midnight Graveyard
Cougar Hunt."
Oh yeah!
All right, all right.
So now, as all of you know,
September 19th
is our big Cougar Club extravaganza
in Beverly Hills.
That's right.
Okay, guys,
so it just comes down to this--
simple.
Don't be pussies,
take care of your cougars,
'cause they take care of you.
Cougar cougar cougar...
Hello, BMW.
Nice. A Lexus.
Ah. Miss Cadillac.
Very nice.
Ooh.
Jaguar.
- Oh yeah.
- Come over and sort you out.
Oh shit, it's the Trans Am.
Hide me.
Hey, Hogan.
Still ain't moving, baby. Yeow!
Look at that.
- Hey.
- You know it, I'll show it.
Whoo!
- Welcome.
- Guess Daniela didn't come with her.
Okay, Cameron, pay up.
ATM's inside.
Here you go.
Tried to run one by Karl?
Not gonna happen, pal.
He's got eyes like a hawk.
Look at her.
Here she comes, there she goes.
Hey!
Karl. Karl.
Did you-- you swipe this guy in?
Ooh!
No, l-- no, I don't know
how he got in here.
- No.
- Cougar crasher.
Well, look at you, baby. Hey.
Um, can I see
your Cougar card?
Cougar card?
I'm gonna have to pull him away
for a sec, will you excuse us?
Sure.
This is a private party,
and I'm really sorry, members only.
- You're gonna have to go.
- Come on, man.
That girl, she wants me.
I can get with her in like five minutes.
Well, unfortunately,
only members get that chance.
Members only.
Well, what do I got to do
to become a member?
Well, I mean, there's a whole
extensive screening process.
My partner and l
have to interview you...
And then if they approve,
- then you pay a fee of like--
- $3,000 to join,
and then there is individual fees
for each event.
Great, I've interviewed.
I just won like, five grad cash
at one of the lndian casinos.
I'll slide that your way,
and then I'll be a member.
Okay.
- $5,000?
- Come here. Come here!
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Let's-- just hold on
just a second, Cindy.
Hold.
Meet my partner, we'll finish
this transaction, all right?
- All right.
- Right this way.
- After you, sir. Please, after you.
- That's fine.
Attaboy.
What the hell are you
doing over here, man?
- I can't fuckin' believe it.
- What?
She's here with him.
Oh damn.
I'm so sorry, man.
Look, just real quick,
I got something I got to ask you.
- Now?
- Yeah, just two seconds.
There's this guy here and he's
willing to pay five grand tonight
to join Cougar Club.
What do you think?
Spence, what do you think?
- It's-- it's fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
Damn, so sorry.
- Okay.
- Yes, sir.
- Now look, my friend is busy here.
- Okay.
Okay?
But he's gonna give you a shot...
- Oh.
- ...on this, all right?
- One shot.
- Wow.
So-- so basically
I give you this...
5,000 bucks
and I get to go nail that hottie?
You are a charmer.
Yeah, you get to nail that cougar.
- Cougar. Eh...
- Cougar.
Cougar.
Nice.
It's there.
- Welcome to Cougar Club.
- All right.
Welcome to Cougar Club, man.
- Ow!
- Hey, what are you--
- What the hell?
- I'm Detective John Butler.
You're both under arrest
for pandering.
- What?
- Beat it, douche bag.
Oh my... God,
he knew my name!
You both have
the right to remain silent.
- Anything you say...
- Turn around.
...can and will be
used against you.
- Blah blah blah blah blah...
- No way, not the shit turds.
Officer, these boys work for me.
Why are they being arrested?
Pandering.
Wow, you think
you know people.
You hear that, honey?
Pandering!
Should I put that in your
recommendation letter, Spencey?
Whoo!
Here's your car, boys!
Amanda said
if I kept associating with you,
it would eventually destroy me,
and she was right.
Oh, so, this is all my fault?
I did all this by myself?
'Cause you were there.
You said, "Fine."
I wasn't even looking at you
when I said it.
Obviously, I had
other things on my mind.
Do you not see how much
I lose in this thing?
Is that not perfectly clear to you?
Yale? Totally fucked.
My job? Fucked.
Oh, what, I didn't lose my job?
No, I didn't lose my job?
Don't even pretend
that meant anything to you,
because you don't have to
care about anything, Hogan.
You have no responsibilities,
no obligations,
no one breathing down your
fucking neck every day of your life
demanding you do something
acceptable so their friends
won't think badly of them
when they're asked about you.
You don't even live
in your own house.
- You know what your problem is?
- What?
You're a fucking pussy, Spence. Yeah.
You let people breathe down your neck
and tell you what you should feel
and what you should be and
what you should do with your life.
Grow up, and be a man.
All right, you know what?
I'm done.
Uh, hey...
You know, I've always,
I've always wondered
what it would be like to have
my dick in a man.
I can explain.
Just get in.
Come on, let's go.
You, stay.
So goodbye, Susie. Goodbye.
- Jack.
- Goodbye.
Jack, please.
Jack! Don't do this.
All right, Will,
what do you have for me?
Next, State of California versus Holmes
and Hogan lll.
Representing ourselves, are we?
Uh-huh.
You're late, counsel.
Yes. Yes, uh...
How do your clients plead?
I think I have that.
Uh, just--
- Not guilty, dude.
- Not guilty.
Not guilty, dude.
Very well.
Your court date will be set for...
three weeks from today...
dude.
Next.
Hey-- hey, don't worry.
I've done all the research.
I think I can convince
the judge to drop the charges.
See?
Karl, your shoes don't match.
Oh, fuck!
I hope the judge didn't notice.
Oh shit.
I've gotta get back to work.
Archibald's gonna be on my ass.
Uh, bye.
I'll see you later, Hogan.
Ah!
Ha-ha! Hee-hee!
Think he was
a wise choice for an attorney?
- He's a free choice.
- Yeah.
See, it won't close.
That's the problem.
- So how are you?
- Good.
Yeah, I'm moving in
with Amanda this weekend.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She's been really supportive.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Is that really what you want?
- I don't know, Hogan.
I need to go to law school
and get something going with my life.
- Yeah, well--
- Yeah.
Bye, Hogan.
Hey, Karl.
Hey.
Another one of those
in the freezer?
Yeah, the Salisbury steak,
it's all yours.
Nice distance.
So did the three-headed monster give you
any shit about taking a long lunch?
No.
There was other stuff going on.
What other stuff?
What, they know--
they know you're a member?
- No.
- What?
No way. They know about you
and Archibald's wife?
No, they know about you
and Conrad's wife.
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I heard him say
he's gonna divorce her,
and then he spent the rest
of the day trying to find out
if you owned a car.
And when he found out
you didn't,
he said it was a good thing,
'cause if you did, he'd find it,
plant a bomb in it,
and quote,
"blow you beyond
dental records."
He said that?
Uh-huh.
Well, that's a fucking bona fide
terrorist threat,
punishable by like, 25 years.
I don't know. I could look it up.
I don't know.
Think you could get him
to say it again?
I don't know.
No, I know you don't know, but if I sent
you in there with a body wire,
you could provoke him into
repeating it, couldn't you, Karl?
Oh God. I don't know.
I mean--
you know what?
Okay, I want to, but l--
Karl, don't help me, okay?
Fuck me,
this is about the club.
Where would you be without the club,
Karl? I'll tell you where you'd be:
You're be fucking files
Q through R.
Don't go back there.
The paper cuts haven't even
healed yet, have they?
No. Come on.
From the top rope, baby.
Top ropes.
Yes!
Come in!
Uh, hello, Mr. Stack.
Mr. Conrad, Mr. Archibald.
What do you want, douche bag?
May l...
you know...
How do you-- how do you do this?
I don't know.
Ah-- oh!
All right, there we go.
Hmm, um...
I just couldn't help but hear
your conversation yesterday about
Marshall Hogan and how he,
you know,
did stuff with your wife.
What did you say about my wife?
You don't understand!
Huh? I will rip your dick off
and shove it up your ass!
You hear me, you scrawny little bastard?
No, I'm on your side.
Let's hear what
the butt-licker has to say.
- Speak, Karl.
- Okay.
Well... I saw him this morning.
So I couldn't help but notice
that he had--
he was driving
this '91 convertible Camaro
that was red. And so I said,
you know, "Hey, nice car."
And he said, you know,
"Hell-- uh, thank you.
Yeah, it's brand new,
I just got it today."
So, on impulse,
I then took out my work pen--
which I brought back--
and I wrote down
his license plate number
while he was driving away,
because you said
that if he owned a car,
you would--
oh darn, what was it?
What-- what did you say?
I ca-- I can't remember.
I said I'd put a bomb in it
and blow him up beyond dental records.
Get to the fuckin' point, Karl!
I just thought you should know
that he owns a car now.
And that...
this is his...
Iicense plate number
and current address.
How nice of you, butt-licker.
- Way to look out for the team.
- Oh.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Stack.
- Yes.
- Hey, shit turd?
Why so forthcoming?
Uh-oh. Uh, well,
you know, my mom,
she used to cheat on my father
- constantly.
- Fucking slut.
No, she--
okay, all right, yeah.
She-- and I want, uh...
I don't want anyone to have to
suffer that kind of indignity,
be it you, Mr. Stack, or Mr. Conrad,
or for that matter,
Mr. Archibald.
So... ah!
Ah! Ow, oh!
Go fuck yourself, Karl!
Thank you.
That's lunch.
All-you-can-eat sushi,
strip bar.
In.
Thanks for letting us
use your car.
I promise, bomb squad'll reverse
anything before it explodes.
Oh, that's okay, baby.
I'm just glad
I could be of some help.
That's my Gladys.
It's good to see you.
You too, Marshall.
Now, no bombs have
been promised here, okay?
I just delivered
the information.
There's no guarantee
they're gonna use it at all.
I mean, the whole threat
can be a threat, and--
holy shit!
Fuck! They're here.
They're here. Fuck fuck!
Look at this, fuck!
Oh my fucking God.
My God. Oh my...
Look at that fucking-- look.
- Holy shit.
- Go go go.
Oh my God. I am gonna shit my pants.
Oh!
No, Lord! They meant it!
They actually meant it!
Shh! Of course they meant it.
You ever see what happens to people
in the divorce who aren't their clients?
- Now calm your shit down.
- There are two of them.
No no no, I think
that one's a monkey or something.
You think it's Mr. Stack
and Mr. Conrad?
- They might have hired people.
- Circus people.
Yeah.
Oh, they're highly organized.
Freeze, you little freak!
They got 'em.
You're going down!
I swear to God
I'll blow your brains out!
Ah!
Hey, don't move there!
I had no--
l-- I didn't call them.
Oh yeah, that's the baby.
- Don't do it!
- Down down down down down!
Gun down! Right now!
Shit!
Mommy.
- Down down down down down!
- Ah!
Down down down down down!
Spencey, will you get that?
I'm on the phone
with the wedding planner.
Hold on a second, Rita.
Spence?
I thought he didn't
have our address.
- Please, just--
- I want him gone.
- Okay.
- I mean it!
- Okay!
- Sorry. Mom gave me the address.
I... figured she would.
Hi.
Thanks. Oh.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She's thrilled.
It's really--
it's a dream come true.
- Well, congratulations, Spence.
- Thanks.
Red roses? No no, nobody said
anything about red roses.
I want perfect white calla lilies.
Write it down!
- And I'm going to law school.
- Really? That's great.
Yeah, Baker accepted me a while ago,
so I'm gonna go.
I mean, it's not Yale,
but hey, my dad understands
- and Amanda's all for it.
- Yeah.
Well, I'll get out of you two
lovebirds' hair in just a minute,
but l-- I just wanted
to see your face
when I showed you this.
No way.
And get--
get this--
they searched Conrad's desk.
They found one
of our Cougar Club folders.
Those bastards knew about
our extravaganza all along.
The whole thing was a setup.
Oh my gosh.
What does Karl say?
Well, in light
of what's happened,
he's arranged a little meeting
with Judge Emerson
to review our case.
And he wants to talk with us right now.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hey, I'll call you back.
Hi. Hey.
- Hey.
- Where the hell are you going?
I... just gotta go meet my lawyer.
With him?
- Well, yeah.
- L...
Spence, I thought
we talked about this.
If you want to be married to me,
then no more Hogan--
permanently!
Fuck you, bitch.
Oh.
Mwah!
I'm sorry, Amanda.
I mean, l-- I never even
asked you to marry me.
Here.
Wait.
But wait, Spence, but--
you complete me!
- God, I almost did that, didn't l?
- Yeah.
Shake it off, brother. The bullet
to the forehead's been dodged.
Spence! Come back! Ahh!
So what's the deal
with this judge?
Margaret Emerson.
You saw her at the plea hearing.
She's a nasty one,
real ball-breaker type.
But when she heard about
the recent arrest at the law firm,
the almost-certain setup
at the hotel,
she seemed intrigued.
Oh.
Oh shit.
Excuse me, I've gotta--
um, you know what?
If she comes in,
just tell her I'll be right back, okay?
Karl, man.
That's coming
from your anal cavity.
Just take an orange pill,
it's in the briefcase.
No, that's okay.
It's gonna be the last time.
Spencer Holmes
and Marshall Hogan lll.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.
Sit down.
So...
I'm supposed to believe
that you two punks
started a club
so you could hook up
with old broads like me.
Well, are there really
any other broads to hook up with?
Your Honor?
May I call you Margaret?
Margaret, I'm looking
at you right now
and all I want to do
is just jump over this table
and go to town.
I mean, you are a goddess,
and I'm sorry if I'm, like,
overstepping the bounds
of polite society here,
but I would make love to you
all day and all night,
until you screamed
with an unbearable ecstasy
- like you've never felt before.
- And we, we--
we want to be very clear.
In no way did we ever
exchange money
for sex in our organization.
It's just that our target
was a little more specific,
- one could say.
- Margaret,
I'm gonna venture a guess here.
If I were to come around this table
and gently caress
the back of your neck
with my tongue...
a slight chill would
run down your spine?
Might.
Wow. Ma'am,
this is no pimp operation.
- No ma'am, no ma'am.
- We assure you, it's--
No ma'am, we're bona fide businessmen
with a goal to expand our website
which-- yes, we have a website now.
Eventually we plan
to have a magazine
and then we'll tour
around the country,
branching out to all
the major metropolitan areas,
all so that we can
become acquainted
with women such as yourself.
So sublime, so lush,
- seasoned, exquisite.
- Really?
Yeah.
What about your partner?
Does he feel the same way?
This guy?
This guy. Oh my God.
And then some.
Yeah. Ha.
Prove it.
What-- oh.
You drink whiskey
But I drink wine
You wear the watch,
but I keep the time
You're so delicious
But I'm tasty, yeah
You may be fine
But I'm sexy, baby
You may be fine,
but I'm sexy
You may be cute, but I'm sexy
You may be pretty,
but I'm sexy
But I'm sexy,
but I'm...
You may be fine,
but I'm sexy
You may be cute...
Congratulations, Karl.
A few more cases, you can actually
get a car from the 21st century.
Yeah!
And a new bike.
- Stop the car, stop the car.
- What?
- Why? Why?
- Hmm?
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not gonna waste gas.
- Just give me one second.
- Okay.
- Let us dream.
Hey.
I'm sorry that I haven't
returned your phone calls.
I-- I've just been swamped
with getting my real estate license.
It's great to see you.
I didn't know if I ever would again.
I'm glad you're okay.
Yeah yeah.
We're having a party
Saturday night, if you're interested.
It's at 8:00. I'd love to see you.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Good.
Maybe.
Okay, bye.
Let's go...
Whoa!
Here we go, here we go.
- Whoa.
- Nice nice.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Ho.
To Stack, Conrad
and Archibald.
Cheers!
Bastards.
- To Cougar Club!
- Cheers!
- Oh!
- Whoo!
- Cougar Club!
- Damn it, Karl.
I'm feeling it. Mmm!
Take a look around.
This is what can happen
when you dare to say yes.
Couldn't have done it
without you.
True, man. There's so many
ways to say yes.
Yeah, uh-huh, yep,
all right, okay, sure.
It's not even
like foreign languages.
Hey, Karl. Drink up.
Thanks, buddy.
I can't believe it.
She's here.
- Go go go.
- I'll be right back.
Let's go,
let's go dancing
Let's go running...
I am so happy
that you're here.
I wouldn't have missed it.
Let's go dancing
Let's go running
Let's go
- Whoa!
- Cougar Club!
Oh my boys,
I'm so proud of both of you.
This is what
you've worked so hard for,
and I know it's what
you've always wanted.
- Oh.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Good luck, boys.
Eh, now you're men.
Go and be wise.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Dad.
Not again.
Honey, where are the orange pills?
- Uh, kitchen.
- Sorry.
Go sow your seed!
- Thanks, Dad.
- All right.
- Cookies.
- Oh.
Mom, just how I like 'em.
All right.
Bye, Mom.
Bye.
Yeah!
She's ready to roll, boys.
- I love you boys!
- Later, Mom.
Bye!
Be careful!
Liberate me
- Liberate me...
- Mm-hmm!
Liberate me, liberate me...
Bye, Mom!
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me...
Adios, amigos!
From having my fun
Liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me
Liberate me,
liberate me.
Mom and Dad are home
and they're with Barry Stack.
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Fuck!
Ah!
Ooh.
- Uh...
- Sorry!
Liberate me,
liberate me
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me
From having my fun
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me,
liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me.
Ah!
Mmm. Nuh-uh.
liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me...
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me...
You've got your whole life
- ahead of you.
- Yeah.
- People you are still gonna meet.
- I know.
Whole college experience
still in front of you.
- Mmm, you're right.
- Mmm.
You promise
you're gonna write and call me?
Hogan! Man, what the hell
are you doing?
They're already on the Ds.
- Mm-hmm. Shit.
- Mmm.
Hello, Professor Goodbey.
Come on.
We gotta go.
Gladys, I'm never
gonna forget you.
- You're so hot.
- No no no.
All right. Sorry.
- I love you.
- I love you, Gladys.
Rebecca Gephardt.
Indigo Goldstein.
Thank you very much, sir.
Liberate me...
Dag Griffiths.
Well done.
- Hi!
- Hey.
- Oh, lip gloss.
- Chris Grizma, magna cum laude.
Hey, where were you?
We were supposed
to take pictures before the ceremony!
- Moffy Gurner.
- I know. Uh... um...
- I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
- Cindy Guilley.
- Here.
Open it and put it on.
Oh my God.
That is so sweet, Spence.
- Rebecca Hartowicz.
- Oh.
- Oh...
- Hello, Rebecca.
Let me see it.
- Oh...
- That's nice.
Fuck off, Hogan!
- Marshall Hogan lll.
- That is my name. I must go.
Shit, I think I caught my dress.
Did I rip something?
Oh.
You're such an ingrate, Hogan!
Spencey, please meet me
in the quad
after the ceremony
for pictures with my family, okay?
This is the photo that will define us
for the rest of our lives--
where we met and fell in love.
Spencer Holmes,
with honors.
Okay, I'll see you there.
I love you.
Mmm...
Congratulations.
Ladies and gentlemen,
meet our business class graduates.
It's just not the same
as standing in the quad
- in our cap and gown.
- Oh, I'm sorry,
- but I had to take Hogan home.
- Mmm.
You know he has a problem
dumping in public bathrooms.
- Nice image, thanks.
- Okay, look.
We have a photo in front
of my childhood tree house
I built when I was nine.
Isn't that good enough?
It's just not the same.
- Let's go get a drink.
- Okay.
Hey, can I get a beer
and a shot of tequila and a--
a thumb in the ass
for my girlfriend?
Look, all our problems revolve
around your geriatric-loving
loser creep of a friend.
And as soon as you outgrow him,
the sooner you'll be
- to reaching your potential.
- Just enough with Hogan, please.
No. No, Spencey.
If you spend the rest of your life
associating yourself
with that vermin,
you will become
that vermin.
Spencey-- hey, I love you,
I just want
what's best for you.
- I love you too. You know--
- Mmm...
Oh my God.
I'll be right back.
Just so you know,
he will not be in our wedding.
What is that young man
doing out there with Edith?
I never saw anybody dance like that.
Hey, are you sure they're dancing?
If they're not,
he owes me some fucking money!
- Hogan, what the hell are you doing?
- Spence!
- I'd like you to meet Edith Birnbaum.
- Spence!
Hello. Marshall here says
I'm the hottest chick at the party.
- What do you think?
- Yeah.
- Whoo!
- Hogan, I'm sorry.
- I gotta borrow him for one minute.
- Ooh.
- One second, we'll be right back.
- What?
Do you really think
it's wise to get all grindy
with our future boss's wife?
Dude, she is so fucking fine
and you know it!
Look at that little tush.
Look at her tushy.
- I don't understand you.
- Hey, how's the graduation boy doing?
Hey, all right.
Hey, thanks-- thanks
for the party, Dad.
Yeah, my pleasure, son.
My pleasure.
Yeah, Dad, thank you.
You really outdid yourself.
Just remember to mention
Stan Birnbaum in your speech today.
The guy never leaves
his frigging hospital.
He came out for your graduation
because he believes in you, son.
We'll get you at Yale Law in no time.
Stan, it's my boy right here!
Here he is!
Stan. Nobody is more connected
to Yale Law than Stan Birnbaum.
Thank you for putting in a good word
for me, by the way.
Mrs. Holmes is responsible
for that, Marshall.
Maybe you should talk to her.
Don't forget, Spence.
Guess I lost that bet
we had two years ago.
- What-- what bet?
- I bet you wouldn't graduate.
Oh, yeah? Oh.
- Okay.
- Now I have to show you my tits.
- Really? That's so great!
- Mm-hmm.
- Excuse me.
- Do you wanna touch them?
Yes. Oh!
Hi, sweet-- oh, hello.
Who's this pretty thing?
Casey Dixon.
Oh, aren't you just
the most charming girl?
It's nice to see you two
getting along so well.
Spencey, cake in 10 minutes.
Thanks, Mom.
Ahem, excuse me.
- Where's Hogan?
- Uh...
I don't know.
Thank you all for being here today.
First, I'd like to take
this opportunity
to thank my parents for all
the love and support they've given me.
I couldn't be more blessed.
I would also like to thank
my girlfriend Amanda
- for all the lov--
- Oh. Whoo-hoo!
I'll begin work next week
at Birnbaum, Arthur,
Hollace, Craft & Steel.
Uh, that's Birnbaum, Hollace,
Arthur, Craft & Steel.
I'm sorry.
I should probably learn that.
In any case, I am very grateful
to you, Mr. Birnbaum,
and I look forward to working
for you and learning a great deal.
What can I say?
I'm a very lucky man.
Eww.
- Oh my God.
- Busted.
Uh...
Sorry.
- Well...
- You okay?
...I don't think I ever actually begged
a man before today.
Well, what did Mr. Birnbaum say?
I'm sorry, Spence, but, uh...
he will no longer require
your services at his firm.
What about me?
Would he require my services?
Dad! Dad.
You know what, Dad?
It's okay, I got accepted into Baker.
- Maybe I should--
- Nonsense!
No one's heard of Baker!
We are gonna solve this one.
- Mm-hmm.
- There's a man at the club.
- Oh.
- Barry Stack is his name.
- He's an 18-holer, fine man.
- Uh-huh. Oh... Oh!
A Yalie and he's head
of the biggest divorce firm in LA.
- See?
- Not as connected as Birnbaum,
but that's okay.
I'll make a call on your behalf.
- Thanks, Dad.
- Yeah.
What about Marshall?
Well, he's practically family, Fred.
And I'm sure he's very sorry
for what happened, aren't you, dear?
Yes, I am. I really--
I truly am, ma'am-- Mom.
Come on, Dad.
Give him another chance.
- Fine.
- Yes.
- Oh.
- Fine fine fine. If he screws this up,
- he's our punter this month.
- No problem.
And for you, son, I would be
disappointed beyond repair.
- Dad.
- Oh!
Excuse me.
- Yes, sir.
- Oh...
I'll try Mr. Stack again, all right?
Oh, nice.
Oh... nice.
Beautiful.
Good. Good good good.
Mr. Stack, your interview is here.
I'm coming.
- He'll be right out.
- Thank you.
Thanks.
You look so...
refreshing today.
And the flower
is a very sweet touch.
You look lovely.
Stop.
Oh!
You're so fucking good-looking.
Ahh.
- What was that?
- I don't know.
Why the hell are you two
just sitting there?
Us?
- Did you pass the bar yet?
- Haven't been to law school yet, sir.
"Oh, we haven't been
to law school yet, sir."
So you're just
a couple of shit turds.
- Excuse me?
- Yes, sir, we are.
- Do you shit turds wanna work here?
- Yes, sir.
Well, then, why am l...
Iooking for my ball
and you're just sitting in there?!
And you!
Those plants--
they need dusting.
- Plants?
- Uh, dusting?
Good. Good good good.
You're hired, you're hired,
you're all fucking hired!
He forgets sometimes
he hired me over 15 years ago.
Oh.
- Is that Mr. Stack?
- Oh, no. That was Mr. Archibald.
But don't worry, he has hiring
and firing privileges too.
I'll show you where we keep
the plant maintenance kit.
Don't they have plant maintenance
people for stuff like that?
Oops. They only come
once a week.
Mr. Archibald
likes it done twice.
It's okay.
Once you make partner
you won't have to do it anymore.
Good morning, Angelenos.
It's gonna be a hot,
muggy one out there today,
busting up to the century mark.
And on to the news.
The stock market is up 12 points
and, in sports, the LA Cougars
won the WABA Championship
by 16 points.
And in entertainment news,
it says here a '60s sex symbol...
Spence, would you get that?
...on Pacific Coast Highway.
That's right, that's what it says.
You bar-flunking freak!
Where in the hell
did you get these numbers?
I don't know.
It's that Karl guy.
You know what I heard?
The poor bastard fucks
the file cabinets to blow off steam.
You butt-licker!
What part of your maggot-rotten brain
shit out these numbers?
- Well, obviously, I made a mistake.
- Well, obviously.
And now Sarah Tucker's alimony
is on the line!
Better fix it--
best piece of ass I've ever had.
Did you hear that?
The best piece of ass
he's ever had.
Who brought you in here, anyway?
Well, my Uncle William is
a good friend of Mr. Conrad.
Well, that's not gonna save you
when you flunk the bar next month,
because next month
you're gonna be good and fired.
- I hope not.
- Good and fired!
Karl, do you need to use the bathroom
or did you already shit in your pants?
I might have
dripped a little, but, umm--
It wasn't a real question,
you taint-licking hemorrhoid.
These guys are fuckers.
I gotta go get the file boxes.
Loosen up, would you?
Hi.
- Are you gay?
- What?
No.
No...
Whoa, big fella. Down.
It's not polite to point
in the office.
Gonna plant that mushroom?
A little young for me, but--
oh, for you...
I have-- I have to get
the file boxes.
- Okay.
- Okay. Take care of some business
- while you're in there.
- Okay.
I'm gonna push out
a little turtle head.
- I'll meet you back in there.
- All right.
Hey hey hey!
You two-- shit-turd guys--
get in here and get
the jelly out of my toes.
- Uh...
- Mmm, mmm.
I want you to really get in there--
under the nail.
And give us a nice trim
while you're down there.
What's going on with Doreen Wyes?
- I gave you that lead a week ago.
- I'm on it, I'm sending an employee
over to Formosa
Wednesday at 6:00,
'cause that's where her husband
meets his girlfriend.
Took you a fucking week
to figure that out?!
There was some confusion
about which restaurant.
Whatever.
Send someone fucking good this time.
- Ouch!
- Sorry. Sorry.
I-- I didn't know this was
part of your body.
Oh, that's good, that's good.
That's good, that's good.
Oh...
Uh, anything else, sir?
Yeah yeah, there is.
I got to this little piece
of dried-up shit turd
that needs to be pulled
out of my ass.
Come on.
I'm kidding you!
Get out.
Dude, these lawyers...
are a bunch of sweaty jackals,
feeding off
of the weak and sick
and injured little gazelles and shit.
I mean, do you really want
one of these... scavengers
- referring you to Yale?
- Right now,
it's the best contact I have,
but there's no reason
you should stay here.
Where the hell am I gonna go?
Go wherever you want.
Spence, now you know
I can't stand
anyone that isn't
a hot older woman or you.
So wherever you go, I follow.
This may sound
a little weak, lame,
- even a little gay to some people...
- Yeah.
...but fuck it.
I know what I like.
- Hogan.
- All right.
Let's get you in Yale.
Karl!
Out of my office, butt-licker!
Hey, shit turd!
Grab your shit-turd friend
and get in here.
Hogan!
Hey!
Silver BMW 535--
it's in the parking lot
in the golf club in Bel Air.
Here's the license plate.
Find it and slash the tires.
Go. Now.
Isn't that illegal?
Okay. No, I know
that it's illegal,
but why would you want us
to do something illegal?
My guess would be
that the driver has
an afternoon court appearance
that if he were to miss
would cause him to severely fall
out of favor with the judge,
considering that
it's probably over custody
or some sticky issue like that.
The judge will look more favorably
on the party that is actually in
the courtroom standing in front of him.
Very good, shit-turd's friend.
Now, when you're done with that,
you deliver these papers to my wife.
She's at some bake sale
with her girlfriends.
The address is on the envelope.
Tell her she can have her divorce
as long as she understands
that she's now...
totally fucked.
Tell her that--
- verbatim.
- Yes, sir.
You're still here. Why?
Dude, these guys make
so much fucking bank here.
- Wow.
- I'm quitting my job.
Hey, assholes.
I've been rotting here
for five minutes.
I don't wanna put you out or anything,
but do you mind fetching my car?!
"Studman." Studman!
Of course, we help you.
- I run for studs.
- What do we do?
I don't know.
A couple of things feel good to me.
Okay, I go fast
for you now.
A couple jerk-off
valet parkers.
So listen, I changed
at the country club
and I'll be in court
within the hour.
What the fuck
are you looking at?
Que?
Just some valet puke
giving me the stinkeye.
Guy's a moron.
So listen, wrap up the Chicago deal,
let's get to Vegas.
Yeah, I've got the four tee times
and strippers lined up.
No, I'm not bringing my wife.
What are you talking about?
She starting to take me
to the cleaners in this divorce.
No, I'm thinking of taking
that cute little court reporter
from the Stony case.
She was pretty good orally,
but I tell you...
...she had a snatch the size
of the Lincoln Tunnel.
It's like fucking
a warm bucket of water.
No, but I'll give you five...
Wha-- what the fuck?
It's a little sticky
coming out of second,
but other than that--
I'm gonna kick your face in!
Hogan, holy shit, man!
Come on, let's go!
- Come on, go go go go go!
- Ah!
You son of a bitch!
That was crazy, Hogan.
I think maybe you took
that one a little too far, huh?
What? You have job, you do it right.
- Okay.
- Huh?
This is it.
Whoa.
Gotta work on
your accent, by the way.
- Really?
- It was terrible.
I told you to prepare, you're not--
you're not getting prepared.
- Weird, I thought I was pretty good.
- You almost blew it.
Hmm.
Come in.
I'm sure you will enjoy these.
They come
in all different kinds.
They're like Easter eggs.
And it will go
with anything you're wearing...
or not wearing.
This one, my little darlings,
is called "The Fire Alarm."
And trust me,
where your orgasms are concerned--
all of you--
this one is the four-alarm fire
that you have
been begging for.
Look at it. Isn't it cute?
Feliney metropolitanis.
What?
Cougars.
Everywhere.
Oh my God,
look at the variety.
Oh my, that's a Rolls-Royce,
very hard to nab.
...spankings!
There's some Cadillacs,
a little bit easier.
Oh my God, a Trans Am.
Not exactly my flavor,
but definitely has appeal.
Oh my God.
My personal favorite,
a Silver Fox. Oh, so many
possibilities in one sitting.
Down.
Thank you very much.
We'll have some refreshments.
This is a private party,
but what can I do
for you two hunky hunks?
We are Spence Holmes
and Marshall Hogan lll,
and we're looking
for a Daniela Stack.
And what is this regarding?
Well, we work
for her husband and...
he wanted us to...
give her this.
Oh. Oh, then you work
for my husband too.
I'm Teddy Archibald.
- No way.
- No way.
So...
what exactly goes on
at this sort of party?
Well, we're just looking to spice up
our libidos a little bit.
Aha. Yeah, I see. I see.
Marshall!
What a pleasant surprise!
Oh, hey.
Oh.
Ladies, meet Marshall Hogan lll.
Our spectacular afternoon together
became my inspiration
for finding Lulu here
and her "Art of Pleasure" schooling.
Praise the clitoris, Edith.
Yes!
I came alive under
Mr. Hogan's tutelage,
and my life's mission
is to help you experience
an awakening such as mine.
Aside from handling me so expertly,
he suggested I switch
to the Vivelle Dot
hormone replacement therapy.
And I must say
it's worked wonders.
Wonders!
Whoo!
Marshall.
Perhaps you and your friend
can help us out?
Oh, anything.
Well, maybe...
you could gather a group
of your friends
who enjoy doing
what you enjoy doing,
and we could connect them
with my friends
who enjoy doing
what I enjoy doing.
Sounds like the cougars
need their prey.
Ooh, well said.
We'll be in touch.
Now, ladies,
Lulu will take
your orders here.
Grab a clipboard.
Cindy Conrad,
Iet me formally introduce you
to Spence Holmes
and Marshall Hogan.
To Spence Holmes
and Marshall Hogan.
They work for the firm.
They work for the firm.
Ah. So you know that
ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.
Ah. So you know that
ass-waxing prick that I'm married to.
Have you seen Daniela around?
Have you seen Daniela around?
They have something for her.
They have something for her.
Oh yeah, I dragged her here.
She's inside somewhere.
Oh yeah, I dragged her here.
She's inside somewhere.
Mmm, happy birthday to me.
Mmm, happy birthday to me.
If you want,
I could give the papers to Daniela.
That's okay, Teddy.
I'll take them.
Oops.
I assume he finally signed
my divorce papers?
Yeah, um...
and he-- he also said--
he said he wanted us to say...
well, 'cause he wanted to--
Hello, Marshall Hogan lll.
It's nice to see you again.
And may I say
you deserve a future
of lasting happiness and peace?
And may I also say
you've probably never
Iooked or felt better in your life,
am I right?
Daniela Stack,
this is my best friend,
Spencer Holmes.
Hi.
Daniela Darren now.
Nice to meet you.
Hi.
Our job is done here,
and we hope
to see you again.
I hope so.
Hi.
Stop saying hi.
- Hi.
- You're dehydrated.
Bye.
Hi.
I mean,
she just looked
right at me and said,
"l hope so."
Oh my God.
What am I gonna do?
You know what you're gonna do?
Whatever the fuck you want.
Now, you want to be with this woman,
be with this woman.
Be with her and Amanda, who cares?
Be with all of 'em.
Yeah, Stack too.
Fuck him...
good and hard,
right up the ass.
Just fuckin' do what you want.
- I tell you what else you're gonna do.
- What?
This Edith thing.
Dude, right now my whole life
revolves around Yale Law.
I know,
and you're going to Yale Law.
Okay, I have no doubt
about that.
But that's, like, the future.
I'm talking now,
- and you're doing this Edith thing.
- What are you talking about?
Edith!
Edith and the cougars!
What?
Wait, you want us to charge them
to have sex with us?
No.
No.
We charge our friends
to have sex with them.
- All right.
- You see?
Now listen.
We start a little country club, okay?
A "Cougar Club," if you will, right?
And we charge membership fees
and shit like that.
- Is that legal?
- Fuck it-- yes!
I don't know.
Who cares?
I care! I have to.
I, uh, no.
- No no no no no, I can't do it.
- Oh...
- "Cougar Club."
- Oh come, Spence, would you stop
saying no to everything?
Do you not get bored of that?
Say "yes."
Yes, 'cause it feels so good.
Yes, because you've never
taken a risk in your life, my friend.
Yes, because
Daniela Darren said,
"l hope so"!
Yes, because Edith Birnbaum
fucking demands it.
"Supply us nice, horny cougars
with nice, horny young prey."
Aw, shit.
Why can't I ever say yes to you?
Because sometimes Spencey
says "no" when he means "yes."
Thank you, Mom.
Thanks, Mom.
Okay, well... night.
- Good night.
- Good night.
Mmm!
"Because sometimes Spencey
says 'no' when he means 'yes."'
- That was a fucking omen.
- Okay okay, shut up.
For once in your life,
would you do something just for you?
Say what you really want to say.
How will it work?
We'll target 100 guys to start.
That first group will pay $500
for the first year to join,
and any members
after that will pay $1,000.
They'll have direct access
of all our cougar-sponsored events.
Now that includes access to profiles,
phone numbers-- whole thing.
And on the women's side,
Edith will be out in the wild
gathering our hunters, marking them
with the gold Cougar Club necklace.
All of our picks will
be those who strive to be with
and who embrace
the older woman, or the cougar.
And finally, we'll save room
for our one "must join."
You tell me when, okay?
You tell me when!
You-you tell me when.
Want a whole dance, do ya?
You want a whole d--
ahh! You're looking right at me.
Karl? Karl, Karl.
How long has this disaster
been going on, man?
- Too long.
- Mmm.
We're concerned, Karl.
Yeah. And we--
we understand your need here.
We do, it's just maybe you
and your little plastic friend
would like to bang
something other than the files?
Like what?
- Like a woman...
- Yeah.
...for God's sakes.
Yeah right.
Not just any woman-- no.
Larry Archibald's woman.
- His mistress?
- No, dude, his wife.
We're starting a cougar club
for guys just like you,
and we want you
to be a member.
You do?
Yeah.
Now, it's 500 bucks to join,
but it's well worth all the access
you're gonna have
not only to Archibald's wife,
but all the other wives
and the cougar friends
they're gonna bring with them.
Yeah, but $500-- that's--
I mean, God, l...
Okay, you know what?
Yes, please.
Yes, I'll-- yeah, all right.
What's a cougar?
- We'll explain later.
- Yeah.
Clean yourself up.
We'll explain it to you.
Here you go.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Here you go.
All right, man,
welcome to the club.
- Oh thanks.
- Whoa, you're hot.
All right,
welcome to the club.
All right.
Okay, welcome to Cougar Club.
All right, now, all of your credit cards
will be swiped
at every event to ensure
that all payments
have been received.
If they're not,
you will have the opportunity to make
these payments at the event.
Now, for a little taste
of what your new membership's
gonna bring you.
Mmm!
Yeah, this little sweetie's
name is lngrid Stone,
Ferrari.
She's a divorc?e,
working at one
of LA's finest financial firms,
and she enjoys the headrush
she gets from a vertical 69.
So, gentlemen,
Iet the hunt begin.
Dolly.
Oh God, oh...
- Sorry, Dolly.
- Don't fuckin' stop!
Hey, shit turd,
meet me in my office.
Shouldn't I clean
the bathrooms first?
You heard me. Get in here!
So why are you
working at this firm,
shit turd?
Can you please stop
calling me "shit turd"?
Mmm.
Why are you here...
shit turd?
I want real-world experience
before I attend law school.
Well, most people go straight
to law school. Why didn't you?
Well, I was accepted to Baker
and Anderson Lee--
- Never heard of 'em.
- Right right.
And what school
weren't you accepted to?
Well, that would be Yale, sir.
Now you see?
That one I've heard of.
So when I asked you
why you were here,
you didn't tell me
the truth, did you?
Oh.
The truth is you're here
because you need me to give you
a recommendation letter
to guarantee you
acceptance into Yale.
You're here because you're
too stupid to get in on your own,
and you need me
to help do it for you.
Now it seems
your dear old dad
is on his hands and knees
ready to blow
to make sure his shit turd
of a son gets into Yale.
Now what do you think
I should tell dear old Dad?
I don't know.
Well, I think you should tell him
that you're my bitch.
And maybe if you do
everything I tell you,
your shit-turd ass might
wind up in Yale.
Who authorized you
to change the locks to my house?
You did.
Read the pre-nup, sugar.
You know I still have
my things in there, don't you?
Look, if you can't read the pre-nup,
why don't you have your lawyer
or some hack read it for you?
Or if you want to make it
easy on yourself,
just stay married to me.
I'd rather be dead.
And by the way,
this box of lingerie...
not mine,
you son of a bitch.
Don't you have
a toilet bowl to lick dry?
Yeah. Yup.
- Are you okay?
- Go. Go.
Go go.
What's-- what's going on?
Hey. Hi.
What you did
back there was...
was good.
It was really good,
and I just want you
to know that...
if you need
a place to stay,
you can stay at my house.
Let me give you my number.
That's very sweet,
but I'm staying with a friend.
Nice to see you again, Spence.
Wait wait wait, um...
Would it be totally inappropriate
to invite you to dinner?
I just don't think
I'm ready to see anybody right now.
Thanks for asking.
It's nice to be asked.
I just invited her
to stay at my parents' house.
Wow.
What am I doing?
Archibald just called me.
He's screaming
for a foot scrub.
I told him you'd be right up.
And stay away from the wives!
Present, future, uh... past.
Got it, dick hole?
- Come on, Karl.
- Okay.
- Let's go.
- All right.
So good, they don't know shit
about Cougar Club.
No, but we gotta be careful.
Their antennas are up,
all of their antennas are up.
- 'Night, boys.
- Good night, my little carnation.
Oh!
Hogan?
Thank you, baby.
Hey.
Is Conrad's wife hot?
I don't remember.
Yeah, but she's like 38.
Oh. Little young for me.
I'll do her anyway,
that way Karl here
can do Archibald's wife,
I'll hit Conrad's,
you can hit Stack's.
- Cool.
- I'm not hitting Stack's wife.
I don't even know what
I'm doing with Stack's wife.
You can do it.
Oh shit.
Hi. Did you lose my number?
- No.
- Get in.
There you go.
See you at home.
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Ah. This is a nice surprise.
- Mm-hmm.
You are the boys,
I'm just a girl
We're not the same,
we're from different worlds
You think you're smart
but you're no fun
How hard is it
to fall in love?
Boys...
So, why are you avoiding me?
I'm-- I'm not. I just--
work has been really--
If you have something important
to say to me, then just say it.
Amanda, I don't.
I just-- just wanna go in
and go to sleep.
Fine, let's go in
and go to sleep.
Can't sleep with you
at my parents' house.
That's right.
That's why I think
you should move in with me.
Oh, Amanda.
We are ready
for that next step, Spencey--
our first apartment.
And I'm even willing to cover the rent,
because I know you'll be
facing enormous law-school bills
and I know my assistance to you
will be paid back to me tenfold
once you're out of law school
and we're married!
Wow, Amanda--
It'll be like that movie,
"Pay It Forward," with Kevin Spacey.
You'll be Helen Hunt,
I'll be Kevin Spacey.
Okay, I didn't see that one.
Amanda, look, I think we--
- Spencey, I love you.
- I love you too.
It's just, I'm not--
Shh shh shh shh.
Just think about it.
It's perfect. Okay?
- Kiss.
- Okay.
Lip gloss, though.
All right.
Four-leaf clover. Agh!
Here we go.
You boys sleep tight.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
See, you think Amanda's gonna
do shit like this for you?
What are you doing?
What? This is avocado
and banana.
You use this stuff,
you never go bald.
- Really?
- Yup.
- It's tingling.
- Is it supposed to?
I don't know.
So, what's the deal again
with Mrs. Birnbaum?
Okay, now Edith's gonna get a 10 % fee
for supplying us
with hundreds of hot cougars.
- Totally worth it.
- All right.
- Wow.
- Did you give her the divorc?e files
- from the office?
- Yes.
And she's totally set up for success.
Now, all we need
is one kick-ass party
to get the word-of-mouth
we kind of need to expand here.
And I want to go all the way
with this Cougar Club thing.
I'm talking lnternet,
magazines, calendars.
I want to go full-on,
nationwide organization.
- It's burning! Burning now!
- Man, you should really
- just wash that out.
- Yes!
Hoo!
So, where should
our first party be?
Marshall, I just don't know
how to thank you for this.
Barnaby's in Manhattan Beach
is one of our absolute favorites.
Isn't it, Fred?
Oh no, are you kidding me?
Thank you
for letting me show
my gratitude to you two.
Oh, isn't that sweet, Fred?
Okay, come on.
- Hey, what are you guys doing tonight?
- Let's go.
Tonight's gonna be
a big night actually,
- 'cause we have a meeting of all...
- Wow!
- Might have a few people over...
- Oh.
...watch some movies,
play some games.
- Naked Marco Polo.
- That sounds nice.
Well, there are plenty
of sodas in the fridge.
- Awesome.
- Have a good time.
Thanks, Mom.
Come on, honey.
Do you have any idea how much
hot cougar ass is gonna be here tonight?
Completely out of control.
All three of the bosses' wives
are gonna be represented.
- Wow.
- Operation Bosses'-wife-Fuck
is definitely a go.
Bye-bye!
- Okay, calm down.
- Yeah, okay.
- Seriously, calm down.
- Roll, bitches!
One two three four
Loaded cougar
motherfuckers!
Comin' atcha...
Teddy Archibald.
Hey, you look ravishing tonight.
- Doesn't she, guys?
- Well, thank you, Hogan.
Oh, you're so welcome.
Who's your little friend?
Teddy Archibald, I'd like you
to meet Karl Dessler.
Hello, Karl.
Hi... ah!
Hey!
I'm not sure she's even a woman.
Uh, I'm not sure he'll even notice.
Mm, you're right.
Whoo!
Cindy Conrad is here.
Oh.
- I remember now, Trans Am.
- Uh-huh.
Let's go get reacquainted.
Holy shit, she's here. I can't--
Spence, no. Hey, come on.
Don't puss out now.
Oh, Cindy Conrad.
Wow.
- Marshall Hogan.
- Hi.
- It's so good to see you again.
- Yeah.
Wanna fuck?
Okay.
- Hi, Spence.
- Hi.
Can l, uh, get you a drink or...
anything? Yeah.
Do you mind if l...?
Thanks.
So...
how's it going?
Never better. He's dating someone
he thinks he could marry,
so I'm hearing less from him,
which is great.
Can I ask you something?
"Why did I marry him
in the first place?"
No no no, I didn't mean to pry,
it's just that...
you are too beautiful and smart
and nice to be married
to a guy like him.
I won't miss the way
you're looking at me right now.
Everyone looks at me that way,
even when they hear he's my husband.
- I feel bad for you.
- Well don't,
because I kinda hate that.
I'm not a victim. I left.
Look, Cindy dragged me here tonight,
but it's really not my scene.
I'm not into
a meaningless relationship
with some guy who wasn't even
born before disco.
Excuse me.
Wait.
Peek-a-boo.
- Trans...
- Mmm!
...am.
Uh-oh.
- Watcha doin' down there?
- Hide...
and seek.
What is she doing?
She's in there.
Uh-oh! Can l...
Ow!
Ah!
Sorry about the bed.
The... king size
is on back order,
so...
Do you and Hogan
share a room?
What?
No. No no no no.
Nope.
- Mm.
- Mm.
Mm-- ow.
How do you feel...
about feet?
Ow.
Mm, oh!
Oh, just...
- it's so hard, just need a minute.
- Okay okay.
Shh shh.
Okay.
- No more "shush."
- I'm ready.
I know,
I can feel it.
- Ooh!
- Mm.
- So young.
- Yeah, so young.
So young.
Oh yeah!
Take your time!
You know that if you smack my ass,
it doesn't move.
Yeah. Go ahead.
Smack it.
Punch it if you want to.
Go ahead.
Smack it! Smack it!
- Okay?
- Whoo! Ha ha ha!
Wah!
Mommy.
Drop your panties
to the floor
- Come on...
- Wanna do it again?
Drop your panties...
Yep.
Drop your panties
to the floor
To the floor,
to the floor
Drop your panties
Drop your panties...
Holy shit.
It's my parents.
Spencer, you're a 22-year-old man.
You're allowed to have sex.
No no, it's not--
it's not the sex part.
It's the--
the party part.
Holy shit, it's Barry.
- What?
- Barry, my ex-husband.
Your boss!
Fuck! Don't move.
Stay here until I get back.
- Nice place.
- Oh, thanks.
Mom and Dad are home,
and they're with Barry Stack.
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Go outside, make sure everyone stays
out of the fuckin' house.
Yeah. Go go go go.
- Go go go go go go!
- Come on!
Oh, come on.
Are you kidding me?
Take it outside!
Okay, here we... come on.
Here we are.
Mom, Dad!
Mr. Stack!
Wow, what a surprise.
Well, this is great.
Look who we ran into
at Barnaby's, huh?
He was at a wedding reception
in the outside garden.
- Oh, it was stunning.
- Oh, I see, I see.
I thought-- I thought you and Mom
were gonna spend the night, but...?
- Well...
- Oh, your dad had a touch of diarrhea.
So let's--
let's just go sit in the living room.
Uh, the living room, Mom,
that's a great idea.
No no, nonsense, nonsense.
The living room's for Yale-bred.
Men talk in the den.
- Hmm?
- Mmm.
Ah! Now we're talking, huh?
Oh-- whoa!
Watch your step there.
- Okay now, Fred,
- Yeah?
I'm gonna go get you
your little orange miracle-worker.
Anybody for coffee
or bundt cake?
- Fantastic.
- You know what, Mom?
Why don't you stay here
and I'll go get the coffee...
Oh honey, no, you sit.
Honey, Dad and Mr. Stack
are gonna talk
about your
recommendation letter to Yale.
- You stay.
- It would be inappropriate
for me to try to influence
Mr. Stack directly.
No no no, sit sit sit.
Excuse me.
He's an... impetuous kid,
you know?
- Mo-- Mom!
- Oh honey! Didn't know you were here.
Sweetheart, would you look in
the fridge and get that bundt cake?
Sure, absolutely.
- Oh, and a can of whipped cream.
- Uh...
- I don't see it.
- Really, I know I bought some.
Oh good, you found it.
I knew I bought that.
Honey, is that your tummy?
Yeah yeah, I think I have a touch
of what Dad has.
Oh, sweetheart,
is there burning in your anus?
Yep yep, just a little bit.
Well, maybe you need
one of Dad's little orange pills.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm just gonna let it pass.
- You sure?
- Yes.
- That's a good idea.
- Well, all right.
You know where they are.
Come on, sweetheart,
follow me with that bundt cake.
Let's go.
Yeah, we don't want
to keep them waiting.
I know.
Get the fuck out of here!
- Gesundheit.
- Thank you.
- Here we go.
- Ah, here.
All right.
Yeah, beautiful beautiful.
Oh.
Wow. Hogan's got a hell
of a Marco Polo game going on.
Marco Polo--
it's still popular, isn't it?
You sit--
you sit there, honey.
So Barry was telling me
there that...
you are quite the ambitious,
hard-working employee.
And you've got quite
the aptitude for the law.
- That-- that's great, Spence.
- Yeah.
- Here you go, Barry.
- Thanks, Mr. Stack.
Yeah.
Oh.
Oh, that sounds like
it's really deep in your cavity, honey.
- Just give me the pill, honey.
- Ooh.
- What are you doing?
- I'm in Cougar Club.
Right, and rule number one
of Cougar Club
is you don't fucking talk
about Cougar Club!
Now take her back
to your place.
All the beauty in the world
All the beauty
in the world...
I'm so glad that we...
- Hi!
- Amanda.
- Where were you?
- What are you doing here?
- What?
- We were supposed to go
on the horseback ride from
Beachwood Canyon to Glendale.
How could you forget that?
- It was sunset.
- Oh.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I had a meeting here
with my boss. Mr. Stack,
this is my girlfriend, Amanda.
Yeah, except you didn't know
I was gonna be here tonight.
How very nice
to meet you, Amanda.
I'm Barry Stack.
Is this true, Spencey?
It's, um--
what was the question?
Well, obviously you didn't
invite me to your party.
I mean, apparently I'm just
a little too young.
All the women
out there are really old.
Why are you partying
with a bunch of 50-year-olds?
Are you into old ladies, Spencey?
What? No.
I-- I don't know what
she's talking about.
I-l-l-l-I I don't know-- I don't know
how to thank you enough, Barry,
for this letter of recommendation.
It just means the world to us.
No thanks necessary, Fred.
Anyway, after all is said and done,
I think Spencey's
gonna earn that letter.
Of course-- of course--
of course he is. Of course, of course.
Let's go. Let's...
Oh.
Good night, Spence.
- Spence, what's going on?
- It's not--
Isn't she a little old
for Marco Polo?
Daniela, wait!
Spence? Spence!
I had no idea
he would be here, I swear.
Don't go.
Spence, I'm sorry.
You're a really nice guy,
but I don't want
anything here, okay?
- Come on, can't we just talk about it?
- Good night, Spence.
What the--?
You're not over him yet, are you?
Spence?
Are you having
a relationship with this old lady?
Oh my Go-- you know, I would
expect this from Hogan, okay?
He's-- he's sick!
But you?
Amanda, not now, just go home.
Daniela, wait!
You're a fucker, Spence!
Good morning, guys.
Your applicants are here.
What?
They're not supposed
to come here.
Thank you very much,
sweetheart.
I think we can take it from here.
Gentlemen?
So, tell us why
you want to be members
of Cougar Club.
Well, it's like--
I've been fantasizing
about my mom's friends
for a long time.
- So has he.
- Mm-hmm.
Right. Welcome.
- Yeah, okay.
- Thanks.
- Congratulations.
- Why don't you guys read these over?
A couple times.
Get the hell out of here.
That's 345 and 346.
We've more than tripled our membership.
It's just like you said.
- La-la-la!
- You know I don't like that.
- What?
- This, gross.
So I look at the question and the answer
just seems to pop into my head.
And I've been here
so many times before,
- and I go blank, so--
- Oh! Okay okay.
Is it a foot?
Mm-hmm.
Oh hell no.
No, try it, it's good.
Have you tried the toenail?
It's a secret ingredient.
What the...?
What is this?
Guys, I passed the bar.
- No, you didn't!
- I did.
Way to go, man.
I couldn't have done it
without you guys.
- Oh.
- Cougar Club--
I swear--
changed my life.
- That's sweet, man.
- Lsn't he sweet?
- It's true.
- Oh.
Hey, okay.
Okay, all right, Karl.
Have some celebratory cake.
Well well well.
Congratulations, butt-licker.
Thanks, Mr. Archibald.
And your wife.
Thank her for me too.
Attention shit turd
and shit-turd's friend.
Put down the fucking snacks
and get in here.
Oh, and a special congratulations
to douche bag.
I never thought you'd pass.
He knew my name.
Assignment time.
I need you shit turds to go
to L Oberman's house with a camera.
His address is in the folder.
I have knowledge
he does hookers by the pool
on Wednesdays at 3:00.
Take pictures
and bring them back to me.
Go!
You are aware, sir--
Are you speaking to me?
It's not what--
Spence?
By the way, I was wondering
if you were able
to finish my letter
of recommendation?
Not yet, shit turd.
Do you know when you might be
able to finish it? Because I really--
You'll know when
you're fucking looking at it!
Okay! Yeah.
We will know that
when we're looking at it.
We look forward to that.
Don't kill the asshole yet.
Look what I found
in shit-turd friend's backpack.
"Cougar Club"?
Hmm.
I think our wives
are involved in this.
I can't believe she's still in love
with that fucking guy.
Why won't she call me back?
Conrad's wife
won't stop calling me.
It's like, "Dude,
Ieave me the fuck alone."
Your mind should be dug out
and studied, man.
Why?
I know what I like.
Oh, ladies, I gotta go
pull on my bow.
What is that?
That, my friend, is a gold lam?
banana hammock.
No.
No, that's a bow and arrow.
Ay, caramba.
Oh shit.
Who the fuck?
Oh, sorry, shit turds.
I heard you got banged up a little,
but the firm really appreciates
you going that extra mile.
And hey, I'll write that letter
of recommendation
real soon.
- Everyone's paid up.
- Okay.
- Cool cool cool.
- Thanks for checking, Karl.
- You all right?
- Yeah. Ahem.
Hello, Cougar Club.
All right, nice to see you guys
showed up here today.
Let's talk about it.
How great was pool party?
How about Film-Your-Own-
Threesome Thursdays?
I'm gonna take it down
a notch here
because some of you are
a little skittish about this one--
you're regretting it now--
a little something called
"Midnight Graveyard
Cougar Hunt."
Oh yeah!
All right, all right.
So now, as all of you know,
September 19th
is our big Cougar Club extravaganza
in Beverly Hills.
That's right.
Okay, guys,
so it just comes down to this--
simple.
Don't be pussies,
take care of your cougars,
'cause they take care of you.
Cougar cougar cougar...
Hello, BMW.
Nice. A Lexus.
Ah. Miss Cadillac.
Very nice.
Ooh.
Jaguar.
- Oh yeah.
- Come over and sort you out.
Oh shit, it's the Trans Am.
Hide me.
Hey, Hogan.
Still ain't moving, baby. Yeow!
Look at that.
- Hey.
- You know it, I'll show it.
Whoo!
- Welcome.
- Guess Daniela didn't come with her.
Okay, Cameron, pay up.
ATM's inside.
Here you go.
Tried to run one by Karl?
Not gonna happen, pal.
He's got eyes like a hawk.
Look at her.
Here she comes, there she goes.
Hey!
Karl. Karl.
Did you-- you swipe this guy in?
Ooh!
No, l-- no, I don't know
how he got in here.
- No.
- Cougar crasher.
Well, look at you, baby. Hey.
Um, can I see
your Cougar card?
Cougar card?
I'm gonna have to pull him away
for a sec, will you excuse us?
Sure.
This is a private party,
and I'm really sorry, members only.
- You're gonna have to go.
- Come on, man.
That girl, she wants me.
I can get with her in like five minutes.
Well, unfortunately,
only members get that chance.
Members only.
Well, what do I got to do
to become a member?
Well, I mean, there's a whole
extensive screening process.
My partner and l
have to interview you...
And then if they approve,
- then you pay a fee of like--
- $3,000 to join,
and then there is individual fees
for each event.
Great, I've interviewed.
I just won like, five grad cash
at one of the lndian casinos.
I'll slide that your way,
and then I'll be a member.
Okay.
- $5,000?
- Come here. Come here!
- Okay. Okay.
- Okay.
Let's-- just hold on
just a second, Cindy.
Hold.
Meet my partner, we'll finish
this transaction, all right?
- All right.
- Right this way.
- After you, sir. Please, after you.
- That's fine.
Attaboy.
What the hell are you
doing over here, man?
- I can't fuckin' believe it.
- What?
She's here with him.
Oh damn.
I'm so sorry, man.
Look, just real quick,
I got something I got to ask you.
- Now?
- Yeah, just two seconds.
There's this guy here and he's
willing to pay five grand tonight
to join Cougar Club.
What do you think?
Spence, what do you think?
- It's-- it's fine.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
- Okay, cool.
Damn, so sorry.
- Okay.
- Yes, sir.
- Now look, my friend is busy here.
- Okay.
Okay?
But he's gonna give you a shot...
- Oh.
- ...on this, all right?
- One shot.
- Wow.
So-- so basically
I give you this...
5,000 bucks
and I get to go nail that hottie?
You are a charmer.
Yeah, you get to nail that cougar.
- Cougar. Eh...
- Cougar.
Cougar.
Nice.
It's there.
- Welcome to Cougar Club.
- All right.
Welcome to Cougar Club, man.
- Ow!
- Hey, what are you--
- What the hell?
- I'm Detective John Butler.
You're both under arrest
for pandering.
- What?
- Beat it, douche bag.
Oh my... God,
he knew my name!
You both have
the right to remain silent.
- Anything you say...
- Turn around.
...can and will be
used against you.
- Blah blah blah blah blah...
- No way, not the shit turds.
Officer, these boys work for me.
Why are they being arrested?
Pandering.
Wow, you think
you know people.
You hear that, honey?
Pandering!
Should I put that in your
recommendation letter, Spencey?
Whoo!
Here's your car, boys!
Amanda said
if I kept associating with you,
it would eventually destroy me,
and she was right.
Oh, so, this is all my fault?
I did all this by myself?
'Cause you were there.
You said, "Fine."
I wasn't even looking at you
when I said it.
Obviously, I had
other things on my mind.
Do you not see how much
I lose in this thing?
Is that not perfectly clear to you?
Yale? Totally fucked.
My job? Fucked.
Oh, what, I didn't lose my job?
No, I didn't lose my job?
Don't even pretend
that meant anything to you,
because you don't have to
care about anything, Hogan.
You have no responsibilities,
no obligations,
no one breathing down your
fucking neck every day of your life
demanding you do something
acceptable so their friends
won't think badly of them
when they're asked about you.
You don't even live
in your own house.
- You know what your problem is?
- What?
You're a fucking pussy, Spence. Yeah.
You let people breathe down your neck
and tell you what you should feel
and what you should be and
what you should do with your life.
Grow up, and be a man.
All right, you know what?
I'm done.
Uh, hey...
You know, I've always,
I've always wondered
what it would be like to have
my dick in a man.
I can explain.
Just get in.
Come on, let's go.
You, stay.
So goodbye, Susie. Goodbye.
- Jack.
- Goodbye.
Jack, please.
Jack! Don't do this.
All right, Will,
what do you have for me?
Next, State of California versus Holmes
and Hogan lll.
Representing ourselves, are we?
Uh-huh.
You're late, counsel.
Yes. Yes, uh...
How do your clients plead?
I think I have that.
Uh, just--
- Not guilty, dude.
- Not guilty.
Not guilty, dude.
Very well.
Your court date will be set for...
three weeks from today...
dude.
Next.
Hey-- hey, don't worry.
I've done all the research.
I think I can convince
the judge to drop the charges.
See?
Karl, your shoes don't match.
Oh, fuck!
I hope the judge didn't notice.
Oh shit.
I've gotta get back to work.
Archibald's gonna be on my ass.
Uh, bye.
I'll see you later, Hogan.
Ah!
Ha-ha! Hee-hee!
Think he was
a wise choice for an attorney?
- He's a free choice.
- Yeah.
See, it won't close.
That's the problem.
- So how are you?
- Good.
Yeah, I'm moving in
with Amanda this weekend.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She's been really supportive.
- Wow.
- Yeah.
- Is that really what you want?
- I don't know, Hogan.
I need to go to law school
and get something going with my life.
- Yeah, well--
- Yeah.
Bye, Hogan.
Hey, Karl.
Hey.
Another one of those
in the freezer?
Yeah, the Salisbury steak,
it's all yours.
Nice distance.
So did the three-headed monster give you
any shit about taking a long lunch?
No.
There was other stuff going on.
What other stuff?
What, they know--
they know you're a member?
- No.
- What?
No way. They know about you
and Archibald's wife?
No, they know about you
and Conrad's wife.
- Shut up.
- Yeah.
Yeah, I heard him say
he's gonna divorce her,
and then he spent the rest
of the day trying to find out
if you owned a car.
And when he found out
you didn't,
he said it was a good thing,
'cause if you did, he'd find it,
plant a bomb in it,
and quote,
"blow you beyond
dental records."
He said that?
Uh-huh.
Well, that's a fucking bona fide
terrorist threat,
punishable by like, 25 years.
I don't know. I could look it up.
I don't know.
Think you could get him
to say it again?
I don't know.
No, I know you don't know, but if I sent
you in there with a body wire,
you could provoke him into
repeating it, couldn't you, Karl?
Oh God. I don't know.
I mean--
you know what?
Okay, I want to, but l--
Karl, don't help me, okay?
Fuck me,
this is about the club.
Where would you be without the club,
Karl? I'll tell you where you'd be:
You're be fucking files
Q through R.
Don't go back there.
The paper cuts haven't even
healed yet, have they?
No. Come on.
From the top rope, baby.
Top ropes.
Yes!
Come in!
Uh, hello, Mr. Stack.
Mr. Conrad, Mr. Archibald.
What do you want, douche bag?
May l...
you know...
How do you-- how do you do this?
I don't know.
Ah-- oh!
All right, there we go.
Hmm, um...
I just couldn't help but hear
your conversation yesterday about
Marshall Hogan and how he,
you know,
did stuff with your wife.
What did you say about my wife?
You don't understand!
Huh? I will rip your dick off
and shove it up your ass!
You hear me, you scrawny little bastard?
No, I'm on your side.
Let's hear what
the butt-licker has to say.
- Speak, Karl.
- Okay.
Well... I saw him this morning.
So I couldn't help but notice
that he had--
he was driving
this '91 convertible Camaro
that was red. And so I said,
you know, "Hey, nice car."
And he said, you know,
"Hell-- uh, thank you.
Yeah, it's brand new,
I just got it today."
So, on impulse,
I then took out my work pen--
which I brought back--
and I wrote down
his license plate number
while he was driving away,
because you said
that if he owned a car,
you would--
oh darn, what was it?
What-- what did you say?
I ca-- I can't remember.
I said I'd put a bomb in it
and blow him up beyond dental records.
Get to the fuckin' point, Karl!
I just thought you should know
that he owns a car now.
And that...
this is his...
Iicense plate number
and current address.
How nice of you, butt-licker.
- Way to look out for the team.
- Oh.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Stack.
- Yes.
- Hey, shit turd?
Why so forthcoming?
Uh-oh. Uh, well,
you know, my mom,
she used to cheat on my father
- constantly.
- Fucking slut.
No, she--
okay, all right, yeah.
She-- and I want, uh...
I don't want anyone to have to
suffer that kind of indignity,
be it you, Mr. Stack, or Mr. Conrad,
or for that matter,
Mr. Archibald.
So... ah!
Ah! Ow, oh!
Go fuck yourself, Karl!
Thank you.
That's lunch.
All-you-can-eat sushi,
strip bar.
In.
Thanks for letting us
use your car.
I promise, bomb squad'll reverse
anything before it explodes.
Oh, that's okay, baby.
I'm just glad
I could be of some help.
That's my Gladys.
It's good to see you.
You too, Marshall.
Now, no bombs have
been promised here, okay?
I just delivered
the information.
There's no guarantee
they're gonna use it at all.
I mean, the whole threat
can be a threat, and--
holy shit!
Fuck! They're here.
They're here. Fuck fuck!
Look at this, fuck!
Oh my fucking God.
My God. Oh my...
Look at that fucking-- look.
- Holy shit.
- Go go go.
Oh my God. I am gonna shit my pants.
Oh!
No, Lord! They meant it!
They actually meant it!
Shh! Of course they meant it.
You ever see what happens to people
in the divorce who aren't their clients?
- Now calm your shit down.
- There are two of them.
No no no, I think
that one's a monkey or something.
You think it's Mr. Stack
and Mr. Conrad?
- They might have hired people.
- Circus people.
Yeah.
Oh, they're highly organized.
Freeze, you little freak!
They got 'em.
You're going down!
I swear to God
I'll blow your brains out!
Ah!
Hey, don't move there!
I had no--
l-- I didn't call them.
Oh yeah, that's the baby.
- Don't do it!
- Down down down down down!
Gun down! Right now!
Shit!
Mommy.
- Down down down down down!
- Ah!
Down down down down down!
Spencey, will you get that?
I'm on the phone
with the wedding planner.
Hold on a second, Rita.
Spence?
I thought he didn't
have our address.
- Please, just--
- I want him gone.
- Okay.
- I mean it!
- Okay!
- Sorry. Mom gave me the address.
I... figured she would.
Hi.
Thanks. Oh.
- Really?
- Yeah.
She's thrilled.
It's really--
it's a dream come true.
- Well, congratulations, Spence.
- Thanks.
Red roses? No no, nobody said
anything about red roses.
I want perfect white calla lilies.
Write it down!
- And I'm going to law school.
- Really? That's great.
Yeah, Baker accepted me a while ago,
so I'm gonna go.
I mean, it's not Yale,
but hey, my dad understands
- and Amanda's all for it.
- Yeah.
Well, I'll get out of you two
lovebirds' hair in just a minute,
but l-- I just wanted
to see your face
when I showed you this.
No way.
And get--
get this--
they searched Conrad's desk.
They found one
of our Cougar Club folders.
Those bastards knew about
our extravaganza all along.
The whole thing was a setup.
Oh my gosh.
What does Karl say?
Well, in light
of what's happened,
he's arranged a little meeting
with Judge Emerson
to review our case.
And he wants to talk with us right now.
Everything's gonna be fine.
Hey, I'll call you back.
Hi. Hey.
- Hey.
- Where the hell are you going?
I... just gotta go meet my lawyer.
With him?
- Well, yeah.
- L...
Spence, I thought
we talked about this.
If you want to be married to me,
then no more Hogan--
permanently!
Fuck you, bitch.
Oh.
Mwah!
I'm sorry, Amanda.
I mean, l-- I never even
asked you to marry me.
Here.
Wait.
But wait, Spence, but--
you complete me!
- God, I almost did that, didn't l?
- Yeah.
Shake it off, brother. The bullet
to the forehead's been dodged.
Spence! Come back! Ahh!
So what's the deal
with this judge?
Margaret Emerson.
You saw her at the plea hearing.
She's a nasty one,
real ball-breaker type.
But when she heard about
the recent arrest at the law firm,
the almost-certain setup
at the hotel,
she seemed intrigued.
Oh.
Oh shit.
Excuse me, I've gotta--
um, you know what?
If she comes in,
just tell her I'll be right back, okay?
Karl, man.
That's coming
from your anal cavity.
Just take an orange pill,
it's in the briefcase.
No, that's okay.
It's gonna be the last time.
Spencer Holmes
and Marshall Hogan lll.
- Yes, ma'am.
- Yes, ma'am.
Sit down.
So...
I'm supposed to believe
that you two punks
started a club
so you could hook up
with old broads like me.
Well, are there really
any other broads to hook up with?
Your Honor?
May I call you Margaret?
Margaret, I'm looking
at you right now
and all I want to do
is just jump over this table
and go to town.
I mean, you are a goddess,
and I'm sorry if I'm, like,
overstepping the bounds
of polite society here,
but I would make love to you
all day and all night,
until you screamed
with an unbearable ecstasy
- like you've never felt before.
- And we, we--
we want to be very clear.
In no way did we ever
exchange money
for sex in our organization.
It's just that our target
was a little more specific,
- one could say.
- Margaret,
I'm gonna venture a guess here.
If I were to come around this table
and gently caress
the back of your neck
with my tongue...
a slight chill would
run down your spine?
Might.
Wow. Ma'am,
this is no pimp operation.
- No ma'am, no ma'am.
- We assure you, it's--
No ma'am, we're bona fide businessmen
with a goal to expand our website
which-- yes, we have a website now.
Eventually we plan
to have a magazine
and then we'll tour
around the country,
branching out to all
the major metropolitan areas,
all so that we can
become acquainted
with women such as yourself.
So sublime, so lush,
- seasoned, exquisite.
- Really?
Yeah.
What about your partner?
Does he feel the same way?
This guy?
This guy. Oh my God.
And then some.
Yeah. Ha.
Prove it.
What-- oh.
You drink whiskey
But I drink wine
You wear the watch,
but I keep the time
You're so delicious
But I'm tasty, yeah
You may be fine
But I'm sexy, baby
You may be fine,
but I'm sexy
You may be cute, but I'm sexy
You may be pretty,
but I'm sexy
But I'm sexy,
but I'm...
You may be fine,
but I'm sexy
You may be cute...
Congratulations, Karl.
A few more cases, you can actually
get a car from the 21st century.
Yeah!
And a new bike.
- Stop the car, stop the car.
- What?
- Why? Why?
- Hmm?
- Oh.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not gonna waste gas.
- Just give me one second.
- Okay.
- Let us dream.
Hey.
I'm sorry that I haven't
returned your phone calls.
I-- I've just been swamped
with getting my real estate license.
It's great to see you.
I didn't know if I ever would again.
I'm glad you're okay.
Yeah yeah.
We're having a party
Saturday night, if you're interested.
It's at 8:00. I'd love to see you.
Yeah.
Sounds good.
Good.
Maybe.
Okay, bye.
Let's go...
Whoa!
Here we go, here we go.
- Whoa.
- Nice nice.
Yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah. Ho.
To Stack, Conrad
and Archibald.
Cheers!
Bastards.
- To Cougar Club!
- Cheers!
- Oh!
- Whoo!
- Cougar Club!
- Damn it, Karl.
I'm feeling it. Mmm!
Take a look around.
This is what can happen
when you dare to say yes.
Couldn't have done it
without you.
True, man. There's so many
ways to say yes.
Yeah, uh-huh, yep,
all right, okay, sure.
It's not even
like foreign languages.
Hey, Karl. Drink up.
Thanks, buddy.
I can't believe it.
She's here.
- Go go go.
- I'll be right back.
Let's go,
let's go dancing
Let's go running...
I am so happy
that you're here.
I wouldn't have missed it.
Let's go dancing
Let's go running
Let's go
- Whoa!
- Cougar Club!
Oh my boys,
I'm so proud of both of you.
This is what
you've worked so hard for,
and I know it's what
you've always wanted.
- Oh.
- Oh, thanks, Mom.
- Thanks, Mom.
- Good luck, boys.
Eh, now you're men.
Go and be wise.
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Dad.
Not again.
Honey, where are the orange pills?
- Uh, kitchen.
- Sorry.
Go sow your seed!
- Thanks, Dad.
- All right.
- Cookies.
- Oh.
Mom, just how I like 'em.
All right.
Bye, Mom.
Bye.
Yeah!
She's ready to roll, boys.
- I love you boys!
- Later, Mom.
Bye!
Be careful!
Liberate me
- Liberate me...
- Mm-hmm!
Liberate me, liberate me...
Bye, Mom!
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me...
Adios, amigos!
From having my fun
Liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me
Liberate me,
liberate me.
Mom and Dad are home
and they're with Barry Stack.
- Fuck!
- Fuck!
Fuck!
Ah!
Ooh.
- Uh...
- Sorry!
Liberate me,
liberate me
Around the sun
On the run
Nothing can stop me
From having my fun
Liberate me, liberate me
Liberate me,
liberate me
Liberate me, liberate me.
Ah!
Mmm. Nuh-uh.