Conrad: The Factory-Made Boy (1983) - full transcript
Konrad from the Can
Can they really live inside there?
This thing is damn heavy!
It certainly isn't popcorn...
"Dear Mrs. Bartolotti,
herein you'll find the desired items.
In the case that
you have no use for them,
could you of course return them to us.
Due to health safety concerns,
we only accept back unopened cans."
It couldn't be sausages either.
And hamburger is hardly likely.
Oh!
Good day, dear mother!
The nutrient solution is on the lid.
It would be very nice if you
would hurry a little,
because without the nutrient solution,
I won't keep very long once opened.
You must dissolve the nutrient solution
in 4 liters of luke-warm water,
and pour it over me.
You must measure the water carefully.
You must stir the nutrient solution
into the water.
Now you must pour the
nutrient solution over me.
"Father: Konrad August Bartolotti.
Mother: Berti Bartolotti.
Name: Konrad Bartolotti,
Born on the 13th October of 1974.
Nationality: German."
"Dear Parents, with our
highly-developed final product,
faults and shortcomings are eliminated.
Nevertheless, our young requires
the usual supervision,
nurture and affection.
Don't you have any clothes?
They told us we get
clothes from our parents.
Is this fashionable for
7-year-old boys? -No, no.
Little boys wear entirely different
things. The jacket is mine.
I didn't know about all this!
- What didn't you know?
Well, that they were sending you!
- We're shipped only when ordered.
Or has the shipping department erred?
- No, no, certainly not. I, um ...
It's only... that I didn't know
you would arrive today.
I thought it would be at least
8 days or 2 weeks.
Are you happy that I'm here, Mother?
Yes...
I'm very happy you're here, Konrad.
Can I now lie down for an
hour or two,
because I'm tired from the can opening?
- Yes, of course! Come along.
This must be done, because otherwise
I could be damaged.
Good night, Mother.
Good. Thank you!
-Thank you too.
Caruso! Caruso! Caruso!
Good morning, Mother!
- Hi Konrad!
Jump!
Why did you lift me up and
then put me back down?
I wanted to kiss you, but didn't
know if that would be proper.
Children are to be kissed by their
parents only if they've been good.
I was home alone. I've broken
nothing and caused no damage.
Indeed, I put on the jacket,
since I was a bit cold.
I hope that wasn't improper?
- No, of course not!
Then I think you can kiss me.
Unpack it.
It doesn't appear you like that
at all. - That's true.
If it pleases you, then
I'll also be satisfied.
But it should please you!
You should wear the clothes.
I don't know what the latest
fashion is, only...
"Only" what?
Only ...
- What? Spit it out!
I've seen kids on the street. They were
wearing completely different things.
Because they're boring! They have
no imagination and confidence at all.
and their parents have none either.
You see, the sun,
the cat and the stag,
which I've stitched...
No one in the world besides myself
has one, and on that I'm proud!
That's pretty, right?
- Hmm ...
Good, good, I can see.
Not everyone is like I am.
You look enchanting!
Really unique, super!
You're the most beautiful child
I've seen in my life!
Come, look in the mirror.
No! Seven-year-old boys should
only wash around their ears
and brush their teeth in the mirror.
Otherwise, they become
vain and smug. - Oh!
These are very nice blocks!
Where can I play?
- Where can you do what?
Where is my play corner?
- Play corner? What's that?
Children have a children's room
or a play corner.
Since you don't have a children's room,
you must assign me a play corner.
So, I have a living room,
a bedroom,
an entry way, a bathroom
and a kitchen.
Every room has four corners.
Konrad, you can have all of them!
And the middle of the room too.
No, thanks. One is enough.
- Well, then pick one out.
Where would I disturb you the least?
- Who?
You.
- Disturb me?
Not at all. Certainly not! As far as
I'm concerned, you can play anywhere!
The I'll take this one.
- OK.
I have still a bunch of
other things that I've bought.
A ball, a picture book and a doll.
It's better for a
seven-year-old boy,
to concentrate on one thing entirely.
Otherwise he'll become hyperactive.
I'm sorry! I hadn't considered that.
Is this for me?
- Uh-huh!
I'm a boy!
- Is a doll not for a boy?
No, a doll is something only
for a girl. - Oh, too bad...
She's so pretty!
I have to do a bit of work now.
Yes, of course! We were told
that most mothers work nowadays.
My God, it's 7 o'clock! Konrad, I must
leave, Egon is waiting at the cinema!
Who is Egon? -Oh, we're friends,
Tuesdays and Saturdays.
We wanted to go to the cinema. I'll
tell him about you then be right back.
You don't need to come right back for
my sake. - Of course I must!
You'll play a little while, right?
Good.
Berti! Finally! I already thought
you weren't coming at all!
I'm sorry Egon, but I... - Yes, yes!
Come quickly, it has already started.
Yes, but Egon! I ...
Would you like children? Do you worry
about the problems in raising them?
We deliver a child to specifications.
With us there are no accidents
and no more risks. The latest
scientific production methods and
the most careful quality control...
Sit down! - Egon!
Psst! - ...Our highly-developed final
product fulfills your expectations.
No problems as in natural children.
Instant-children are clean,
well bred, and an instant-child
obeys to the letter.
Egon, I must tell you something!
- Not now, later!
Yes, now!
- Be quiet! We're ready to begin.
Order your instant child, direct from
the factory. - I must say something!
Are you finally calm! - Calm
down, people are watching!
- Egon, I have a child!
- (Laughter in the cinema)
Here we are, Konrad!
This is Egon, the pharmacist.
- Good evening, Mr. Egon.
Berti, I have to talk with you.
Konrad, I must first explain to Egon
why you're here.
Can you watch TV for a while?
- Yes, Mother.
Pull out the top knob, then
push in the third from the bottom.
Thanks, I know.
We were instructed in using TVs.
Annoying! Extremely annoying!
I can't remember ordering him.
I unsuspectingly...
opened the can, and imagine that!
You open up a can,
and look upon a shriveled-up dwarf
who says: "Good day, dear mother!"
"The nutrient solution is in the lid!"
- Unbelievable! - Unbelievable?
Can't you say something other
than "unbelievable" and "annoying"?
That's unbelievable!
- Send him back!
- Egon!
Is it time to go to bed?
- Are you already tired?
Most children aren't yet
tired at bedtime.
Stay up as long as you want. You'll
decide when you want to go to bed.
Sit down! Would you like some candy?
- No, thanks.
Sneaking in food before bedtime
is very bad. -Oh!
Berti, you don't understand.
This child is smarter than you!
He knows how bad sugar
is for the teeth. - Hogwash!
Thanks, the candy was good,
but it worries me.
Candy doesn't worry the stomach!
You would have had to eat an
entire bag already.
Candy doesn't worry the stomach,
but rather the soul.
Because eating candy
before bedtime is forbidden.
That was one of the most important
parts of our lessons,
that we had during final preparations.
- That's terrible!
It was called "guilt hour".
If all children were this way,
I would have had one long ago!
Thus, a well-bred,
respectable, friendly,
well-mannered seven-year-old boy
is a true joy!
Egon, you're an idiot!
Konrad, you need a father.
He needs a father urgently!
He has one! It states so
on his baptismal certificate!
Konrad August Bartolotti.
That's his father!
If that's his father, then he should
come here and care for his child.
That's his sworn duty!
I have no use for Konrad August!
I wish him good riddance!
There he is and there he shall remain!
I don't want him for Konrad either.
Then someone must take
his father's place... - Aha!
And so you happened to think of
yourself. How selfless!
Where I can sleep please?
You know Konrad, that you
actually belong to...
to a proper family
and to a father? - Yes.
And I would be happy
if I could be your father.
I'm now his father.
Konrad has agreed to it.
Really?
Good, it will be fine with me. - How
nice that I have a mother and father!
You must take Konrad to school
tomorrow to enroll him!
Tomorrow is Sunday and schools
are closed! - Monday then.
I can see now, how Konrad brings one
thing after another into the home.
He is an exceptionally intelligent
child. - Yes, yes, yes ...
Berti, this is like growing flowers.
If you give them no water,
then they dry up and you can't sketch
them. Children also need attention!
You must change entirely! You must
become more orderly and above all...
... Motherly!
- I? "Motherly?"
From the ground up!
You must become stable!
That's no concern of yours!
- And how!
I'm now Konrad's father and I would
like him to have an decent mother.
You also can't dress yourself
this way any more. - Ha!
You'll have to keep things tidy and
cook regularly. And, Berti ...
You also have to regularly earn money
so that the child is properly dressed.
Ah...
The ones, the tens, the hundreds
and the thousands...
Good morning, Konrad! Why are you up
so early? - Good morning, Mother!
I'm keeping up good habits. I'll go
to school tomorrow and so it's good
if I prepare myself properly.
- Yes, yes. "Properly, properly..."
My goodness, you're hungry!
- Oh no, I'm already very full.
I can't eat any more.
- Well, then give it a rest!
But what's put on the table
is to be eaten!
Tell me Konrad, do we want to go to
the zoo today? - I don't know.
Or would you rather go for a walk?
- Actually I would most like to
prepare for school. I don't know
how far along the other children are.
Oh, you'll find that out tomorrow!
- I would prefer to know today.
Do you know any seven year olds who
could lend me textbooks?
Don't you want to be in the 1st grade?
- I want to be in 2nd grade at least.
I'm not only an instant child,
but also an elite child.
And you don't want my
intellectual abilities to atrophy.
Oh no! I'll ask the Rosikas,
who have a seven-year-old daughter.
What may I do for you?
- Herbert, what's going on? Ah...
My son, um...
Your daughter is still in the
2nd grade and I thought that...
Because my son...
is going to school tomorrow,
perhaps you could loan the
textbooks to him till this evening.
Yes, we could certainly do that.
- Of course.
You have a son? - Psst, don't
ask about that! Get the books!
We're almost done with the
mathematics book.
Thanks!
I'll return them this evening.
Good day, Berti!
- You? What are you doing here?
Why? I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- Of course you're not.
But Saturday was yesterday
and Tuesday is the day after tomorrow.
That doesn't matter to me.
I'm now the father!
How often does a father come by?
- As often as he can.
Yes, you can very often.
- Of course.
We'll be together every free moment.
Of course, only when Konrad's not asleep.
If he's sleeping, he doesn't need
his father unconditionally.
Hopefully he'll have a good sleep.
Konrad, may I see you again?
1 times 13 plus 17 divided by 3...
Exactly 10.
- Hmm.
7 times 4 divided by 2 plus 36...
Exactly 50.
Berti, the child doesn't belong
in the second grade,
the child belongs in the third
or fourth grade!
A 7-year-old child can't be
in the fourth grade! And actually,
how would you know? -If a child is as
bright as my Konrad, there's no doubt!
Your Konrad? How is he your Konrad?
Sorry. Our Konrad, I mean.
My Konrad, I mean!
Bertilein, let's not argue.
Especially not in front of the child.
You get on my nerves!
Bertilein, I have to ask!
Come on, Konrad, we're going to the zoo,
until your mother calms down.
Is it a sign of nervousness, if one
eats like you are now? - Yeah...
Why then? - Because I don't exactly
know what I should tell the school.
You're seven years old and have
never been to school.
Nevertheless, do you want
to be in 2nd grade?
In the third grade!
- In the third?
Hello, Mrs. Bartolotti!
- Hi!
Hello, my name is Konrad. - I'm Kitty!
Are you in 2nd grade too?
I've considered it and
I'm going to 3rd grade.
Konrad, I think you should talk
more like a child. - Don't I?
I don't know. I hardly know any
7 year olds, but I don't think so.
What are you doing here?
- Well, you're good!
I'm definitely the father.
I mean, if there are difficulties,
I must stand by you. -That isn't
needed, Egon. Go to your pharmacy!
I'm the father and shall remain so.
Come on!
Egon, this is unheard of
impertinence!
Well, was it nice?
- Did you get an A?
No? Why not? - Would you
rather be in the 2nd grade?
Nope, not at all. The stuff they
learn there is terribly boring.
But Konrad, how did you talk?
- I spoke childishly, like the others!
He has a funny mother!
- Who looks like a poppy flower!
I didn't speak today because I first
need to figure out the correct way.
Tomorrow I'll talk like that
and get a guaranteed A!
It's just hard to distinguish between
what's childish and what's rude.
Konrad! -Isn't this the naughty girl
who lives upstairs from you?
I don't want Konrad
to associate with this child.
This girl already stuck her tongue
out at me several times.
My son is very comfortable in the
company of Kitty. - And mine is not!
What should I do now?
Should I associate with her or not?
You should... Ouch!
See, your father says you should.
- Konrad, I'm celebrating my birthday.
I'd be happy if you would come over
around 3. Bye, see you then!
It's better for children when
parents get along. - Yes, yes ...
All people are different.
- Did I ask for a life counsellor?
I learned that in the factory.
You're ready to go?
- Florian is also invited.
Is he nice? - He called me
"Bartolotti Idioti" in school.
I'm sure he was only joking.
- Do you really mean that?
Why did you say it then?
- I wanted to spare you the anguish.
How can you spare me anguish
if you lie?
Why do children tease other children?
- I need to think about that.
I can't easily explain it to you.
I'll tell you after the birthday party.
You promise?
- I absolutely promise.
And if this Florian, this jerk,
bothers you again, then pop him one!
I mean, strike him down,
grind him in the dirt!
Knock him so silly
that he sees 1001 stars!
Wipe the face right off him, my son!
Are you afraid?
Why is the pharmacist your father?
My mother said
he has no children at all.
They're certainly not married.
- Leave him alone.
Landed like a cowpatty!
Good shot, yeah!
It tastes best pounded to a pulp.
Join in!
Terrific!
So, children, this has gone too far!
Konrad started it!
- Such disgusting behavior!
Disgusting, beastly behavior!
- So vulgar, that Florian would lie!
I don't care for this at all!
Take your filthyness somewhere else!
Do you actually know how to do this?
- Of course!
On your marks, get set... go!
Such a stupid game!
- Exactly, it's only for idiots!
Caruso! Sing us a song to dance by!
You know the green Teddy bear
with twenty red paws,
who laughs, dances and sings no more.
Who has forbidden him those things?
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear
is so good, is so calm.
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear
never does what he wants.
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear
never does what he wants!
Damn stupid! Stinking silly!
Come on, let's get out of here!
- Such a boring birthday!
The blame for that lies
with the stupid one there.
What do you like about him?
- We're enemies forever!
Loving couple, you're kissy, kissy,
Bartolotti Idioti!
Loving couple, you're kissy, kissy,
Bartolotti Idioti!
Michi said he thinks I...
... I'm your new love?
- It's true.
Really?
- Really.
Kitty, are you telling me that just
to prevent my anguish? - Nonsense.
That's nice!
Tomorrow we'll go to school together
and return home together too.
And woe if someone does something
to you! It'll be a war with me.
Then I'll get ready!
Is it good for a 7-year-old girl to
protect a 7-year-old boy?
Of course, if he needs it.
- And if others laugh at him?
If you're always concerned about
what others say,
and what others do, then you'll
end up exactly like the others
and you can't have that.
Do you understand?
Unfortunately not, but Kitty loves me.
- Well, so what!
Well done, Konrad!
We must drink to that!
So, I must drink to that.
Here's to you my son!
Egon...
Yuck, yuck... protein!
A 7-year-old boy needs animal protein.
And vitamins A, BB and D.
He'll get it tomorrow!
- He'll get it today! So, my son.
This is a proper boy's dinner!
- But he has just eaten!
That's no dinner,
that's a stomach-churning chore.
My darling, you must change yourself
completely. You're certainly nice,
but also very unfit to raise
a child of Konrad's qualities.
I could do very well by taking over
his upbringing.
Order your own child and you can do
what you like with that one.
But leave Konrad alone!
My darling, you can
insult me as much as you want.
But when it comes to my son,
I won't give in!
Your son? August Bartolotti, the
father's name is August Bartolotti!
Konrad chose me as his father.
Besides, this August Bartolotti
isn't available. Or has your mother
already bought your school supplies?
A good mother doesn't forget
such things. - No, I haven't yet!
As if there were nothing more
important than getting school things.
I would like Konrad by my side.
I can hire a first class nanny
and send him to a first class school.
You're a first class idiot!
There, see how unfit you are!
So, Konrad, do you then agree
that you'll live with me from now on?
I don't exactly know what's right.
- My son, listen to yourself.
You already have a sense of
whom you prefer.
Smoking is unhealthy!
Egon...
How do you like Kitty Rosika?
She's an atrocious, rude girl.
Recently in the pharmacy...
she stuck her tongue out at me
and jumped around on the scale.
And if she wanted to be his girlfriend?
- I'd know how to stop that!
Are you feeling ill, my son?
Hmm, with this grub it's no surprise.
I'm not ill, but I feel that
I want to stay with my mother.
Don't you like me anymore?
- Sure, dear father, I like you a lot.
I'm always happy when you visit us.
- Oh...
Don't take it too hard, Egon.
Everything remains just as it was.
Protein, animal protein
is needed for a boy!
Vitamin A, Vitamin BB and D.
- He'll get it tomorrow.
He'll get it today. This is a
proper boys' dinner. - Bah!
You must change yourself completely
dear Berti! You're certainly very nice,
but you are totally unfit to raise
a boy of Konrad's qualities.
Egon, you're an idiot!
Come on, Konrad, we're leaving!
Don't you like me at all anymore?
Stop, wait! Kitty-Berti!
Konrad, you must change yourself!
- Don't I please you anymore?
Yes, very much!
How is that possible?
A... a... a... child!
Address! - Error of the shipping
department. - What? What?
Take the glasses!
Ooh...
- We will find the boy.
One, two, three, what do I
see there? A couple in love!
Another kiss, then its over
because he must go home!
Cowards! Cowards! Cowards!
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with thirty red ears?
He spits and stomps every which way
and farts quite unabashedly.
Hey, hey, Teddy bear,
don't be good, don't be calm.
Konrad Teddy bear
doesn't dare do what he wants!
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with thir...
Konrad, what is it?
- I don't know what I should do.
Seven-year-old boys should listen
attentively when mothers talk or sing.
but 7-year-old boys
should immediately turn away
when there's improper talk
or singing.
I don't believe
I know any proper songs.
Oliver says you're quite intolerable.
"A tattle-tale," he called you.
I can't do what's forbidden.
- Tattling is forbidden,
because it provokes others. If you
tell on others, you're a snake.
Who wants to demonstrate gymnastics?
Denise?
- Nah.
Konrad?
- Remain seated!
- Don't get up!
Boo! Traitor!
"Karantella, Karantella, Karantella,
Karantella, Karantella, Karantella!"
Who is that?
- Caruso!
- Yes!
And who is this: "Vitamins,
vitamins are what the child needs!"
Egon?
- Yes!
And now it's your turn!
I am you!
I can't do anything forbidden.
I can't upset any adults.
I was made that way by the factory.
- Nonsense!
Everyone can change. You too.
You just haven't tried properly.
22 Marks, please.
A father has to pay for his child!
They call it alimony.
You've been a father for three weeks
and I've not seen a Pfennig!
Berti, not so loud! Keep the change.
- Thank you.
Naturally I'll support you. We
could also raise Konrad jointly!
That's out of the question!
Certainly...
the situation with Konrad
is quite confused.
The flowers, that you bring me, wither,
before I have sketched them.
The newspaper has been notified.
- If you give them...
... "fresh water every day,
cut off the stems," I know...
Berti, you're incorrigible.
Cheers!
- To you too!
So.
- Shall we go? - Yes.
I'll show you something interesting.
This is Strychnos toxifera.
Obtained from the bark of this tree
by the Indians in Latin America -
from between the Orinoco
and Amazon -
we get the famous
arrow poison "curare".
They call it Tupi Urari.
Which translates as
"whomever gets it, drops."
If this poison enters the bloodstream,
it's absolutely fatal.
Within a few minutes it causes
heart paralysis, muscle paralysis
and respiratory paralysis.
Alexander von Humboldt...
Now we'll go down to look at
the moonseed plants.
By 1815 Alexander von Humboldt became
the first to describe the precise
production and effects of curare.
In the stomach, curare is harmless.
Thus, the Indians could eat animals
killed by their curare arrows.
Well, enjoyed in small quantities
ice cream could be good medicine
for tired feet.
- Who wrote to you?
- Oh... just some advertisements.
Ads don't come by express letter.
- The letter is from the factory.
Open up the letter! - And what if
it contains something unwelcome?
Forget the letter. We'll burn it!
It'll be as though it never existed.
Maybe it says something good.
Perhaps Konrad won the lottery.
Children, children! My intuition
says there's nothing good in it.
The letter feels bad. - So we must
open it more than ever!
If one knows about bad things, they're
less bad than if one doesn't know.
If you mean ...
Konrad, read to us.
- "Dear Mrs. Bartolotti!
We have found, after a review of our
delivery department,
that we've made a regrettable error.
You were shipped a...
seven-year-old boy that you
were in no way entitled to."
Of all the nerve!
At the time, you filled out two
reminder forms
for another product we have long
since finished.
We ask you to promptly make the boy
available and get him ready to be
picked up by our service department
for delivery to his rightful parents."
- Such an awful mess!
- "We would like to point out you,
that the factory retains ownership of
instant children for their lifetimes
and are only delivered on loan for
rearing and the use of the parents."
- Shamelessness!
- "Objection on your part is futile
and there is no right of appeal."
That means... in the next few days.
You must not surrender him!
- If he really is a misdelivery!
And if he belongs to someone else...
And if I've put in reminders...
I can't cook properly.
And Egon says,
I'm not a good mother.
You're my mother
and you're a good mother.
There, you've heard it,
he doesn't want to leave!
But you could become a mother
who provides vitamins.
And sings proper children's songs.
And has a proper husband.
I've become accustomed to having
your love, as has Egon.
And if I go away,
I'd be away from Kitty too.
No, I want to stay here.
That's how I feel.
You really feel that way?
We must think of something that
will work against those jerks.
We must take action!
Write them a courteous letter,
saying that I want to stay here.
Nonsense! They don't care
a bit about what you want!
We need to come up with
something quite cunning!
But if the action is prohibited,
I can't partake. - Hmm...
"Forbidden, forbidden,"...
March, Konrad, off to your bedroom!
I have to discuss something
with Kitty.
Konrad must first disappear so the
service department won't find him.
We'll take him to Egon. - And what
happens if they figure that out?
Then he must be made so that
they don't want him anymore!
Insolent? Loud? Messy?
Snotty?
- Exactly!
In other words, Konrad isn't like the
way he was trained by the factory.
And what one has learned,
one can unlearn again.
And who should teach him that?
- I can't ask Egon.
The factory would become suspicious!
But you can do it!
Good day!
- Good day!
What does it cost to clean this carpet?
- 6.50 Marks per square meter.
Too expensive! Let's keep going. Can
we get out this way? We live here.
Please.
- Thanks!
Pardon me!
Berti, what... what is the plan now?
- To carry out the disappearance!
Why should I hide the carpet?
- Not the carpet. Konrad!
You must hide Konrad. Just help
out a bit for once! - Konrad?
Where... where is he then?
- Push this here!
So.
Get out of my way!
- Yes, what should...
Oh, heavens! - Sit down, Egon,
I'll explain everything to you.
I have no time, the pharmacy is full
of people! -Then leave and close it!
But Mrs. Bartolotti,
that's much too conspicuous.
A pharmacy can't simply close down!
- Yes, very good!
Very good!
My darling, that goes way too far!
- It must be done.
We have had Konrad only by mistake.
They want to pick him up again!
That's out of the question!
Did you actually pay for him?
- No!
Oh, how nasty!
Mother, what are we doing here?
- Kitty and I are leaving again.
You stay and wait for Egon. He's
coming around 6:30. Don't go out!
Can you bear it in this shack?
A 7-year-old boy must be able to
occupy himself for a couple of hours.
That's so hard!
- Yes! So, once again!
Yes, phew!
- So, now we're going.
You know the green Teddy bear
with thirty red ears ...
- We have reconsidered it.
- Hmm.
Look out!
Here comes the "Konrad Destroyer"!
Ah, you're all so stupid and
you understand nothing at all!
I understand. You love monkeys!
-What can he do since that's how he is?
They made him that way!
- Who did, huh? Kitty, you're crazy!
Oh dear! Now you're grey
and hideous as a head louse.
But...
... at least no one will
recognize you. Yuck!
I'm getting bored in this
stupid city. -Yes, yes, I know.
What may I do for you?
Oh, it's you! Berti...
Yes, today you please me!
Typical! As soon as I look like a
Pfälzer liverwurst, I please you.
But I like liverwurst
as much as I do parrots.
Hello? I already know 97 foreign
words. Father has tested me.
So, now I'll explain to you our
grand plan. - Excuse me, Mother,
but I believe the plan is useless.
They'll discover me anywhere.
Exceptional circumstances
require extraordinary measures!
Imagine that, Konrad
disappeared four days ago!
Didn't he go with you
to school this morning?
Nah, that was Oliver.
- Oh, well...
With that mother it's no wonder.
I must tell you something!
Do you want to go with us again
because that guy is gone?
I have to tell you something,
because of Konrad!
The blue men from the factory are
after him, and we must try
to drive them away. - Great, and if
they still don't leave him in peace?
Oh Oli, Kitty is right,
we simply have to try.
Exactly, we simply won't go away!
- Here, for Konrad.
I'm here to pick up the misdelivery.
Sorry, the misdelivery ran away three
days ago. Without a trace!
You weren't to allow that! He is,
after all, the company's property.
Allow? You are good!
First, you sent me something
that I haven't ordered, and then
expect me to take care of everything!
Have you reported the loss to
the police? - Well, listen up,
you sky-blue dwarf, you!
Who reports the loss of something
that doesn't belong to him and which
he doesn't want? Go to hell!
Come on, now tell me all the swear
words you know. - I don't know any.
But! What have Florian and Oliver
called out behind your back?
I can't speak such words aloud.
They choke in my throat.
Then alternate saying a decent word
and a swear word in turn.
Dear friend...
Idiot.
Idi...
- Go!
Idi...
- Say it!
Idi...
Idi...
Idi... Idi...
Ouch!
Idi... ot!
Dear friend ...
Idi...
- Go!
Idi... Idio...
Ouch!
...ot.
Idi... ot
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
You learn quickly!
That's enough for today, now we
can play. - "Concentration"?
No, coloring on the walls.
- But father expressly forbade it!
Oh, don't worry about Egon!
You'd rather draw a flower.
Don't be afraid. Color with me!
Oh dear, coloring walls
is strictly forbidden!
Super, Konrad! Great!
It's I!
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my goodness!
Exceptional circumstances require
extraordinary measures, Mr. Egon!
I know, I know ...
- Konrad already knows swear words.
Yes!
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
You must praise him,
otherwise all was in vain!
My dear son, I'm proud of you,
how quickly you learn.
Mrs. Bartolotti, open up!
We know that you're in there!
Open at once, Mrs. Bartolotti!
- Why?
Due to the misdelivery. If you don't
open at once, we'll force our way in!
You try that!
Filthy pigs!
Thugs!
Child snatcher!
Hopefully this will soon be over,
then we can go back to the museum.
And if you like it here,
you can also stay here.
This Kitty appears to be
a very sensible girl.
Well certainly, and how!
You could have spared us your
diversion. - Who are you anyway?
The factory's service department.
What do you think! After the runaway.
That's trespassing!
- This is theft of others' property!
Oops?
I've already said that he's gone.
He ran away 4 days ago!
I found something!
They are exposed. The date on the
homework is from 2 days ago.
No, slingshots are too expensive.
- Rig a trip cord!
And where?
- By the house door, where else?
Well, my paint bags
would be the best!
Oh, super!
Intense!
- Terrific!
Super!
- We need ten of them!
Or twenty!
- No, a hundred!
"How are...
you...
my...
Mother?"
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with forty red noses?
He throws things about
in his fury and rage.
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear is so jolly,
is so great! Hey, hey, Teddy Bear...
I learn quickly, right?
- Hmm.
Who knows the green Teddy bear with
forty red noses? He throws things...
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with thirty red ears? He...
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear,
don't be good, don't be calm!
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear,
don't shit your pants in fear!
Now it's snowing!
Just you wait,
I'll tell your mother!
Kitty, did you see?
They're completely blue!
Kitty, you should not
have arrived so publicly!
Hiding no longer makes sense.
Keep an eye out!
A little too much sky-blue
for such a dreary day, huh?
Now everything is over!
- Nothing is over!
I'll go up to Konrad
and initiate the crash course!
Yes, what can I do? Berti should
be here. She's always braver than I!
Buongiorno!
- Oh, Caruso!
Mr. Caruso, would you be so kind
as to carry a letter for me?
Please, can I do that. To whom?
- Mrs. Bartolotti.
Konrad! Here we go, now comes
the hyperactivity program!
That will blow off their ears and
noses, those Pissheads!
What may I do for you? - I would like
a pack of 20 Xanthocarpums.
Yes, I have to order it first. If you
could return in two hours.
One, two, three!
Thanks. I'm waiting here.
Now we're the Konrad rescue squad!
One, two, three, jump!
My God! Here too?
We're surrounded!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
You'll get your son...
... soon in your arms. - You've
put us off now for weeks!
When will I at last get my little boy?
- Right away, Madam!
Get the boy out! It's our property!
You have no rights to it!
Over my dead body!
- Don't let them through!
It isn't necessary that we go get him.
Instant-children obey to the letter.
Konrad! Konrad!
Konrad, come at once!
Why doesn't he come?
- We ordered an obedient child.
One, two, three!
You know, he simply won't listen. You
can yell till you're blue in the face!
We must storm the apartment!
Who bellowing so insanely at me?
I'm coming, you idiot!
Mr. Director, you want to tell
us this is the boy we ordered?
Sorry, that was intentional!
- Unheard of!
This should be a well-behaved child?
They are a bogus company indeed!
Calm down, Grandpa,
or you'll get ulcers!
And the director's name is Hector!
Because he's often drunk,
he pisses in his pants!
- Are the still there?
- Yes, but not for much longer!
Okay, then we'll finish with them!
The boy can't be from my
production. Impossible!
Come on, let's go.
We still would rather get a dog!
You want to beat it?
- There will be consequences!
And don't forget your gorillas
in the courtyard!
Konrad, you were great!
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with fifty red feet...
Must I be like this from now on?
- Oh, no!
Must I now be as I was before?
- Oh, no! - We've done that already!
Hey, hey, Teddy bear,
not longer good, no longer calm!
Konrad Teddy bear,
he now does what he wants!
Subtitles translated
by HungryHippo
Can they really live inside there?
This thing is damn heavy!
It certainly isn't popcorn...
"Dear Mrs. Bartolotti,
herein you'll find the desired items.
In the case that
you have no use for them,
could you of course return them to us.
Due to health safety concerns,
we only accept back unopened cans."
It couldn't be sausages either.
And hamburger is hardly likely.
Oh!
Good day, dear mother!
The nutrient solution is on the lid.
It would be very nice if you
would hurry a little,
because without the nutrient solution,
I won't keep very long once opened.
You must dissolve the nutrient solution
in 4 liters of luke-warm water,
and pour it over me.
You must measure the water carefully.
You must stir the nutrient solution
into the water.
Now you must pour the
nutrient solution over me.
"Father: Konrad August Bartolotti.
Mother: Berti Bartolotti.
Name: Konrad Bartolotti,
Born on the 13th October of 1974.
Nationality: German."
"Dear Parents, with our
highly-developed final product,
faults and shortcomings are eliminated.
Nevertheless, our young requires
the usual supervision,
nurture and affection.
Don't you have any clothes?
They told us we get
clothes from our parents.
Is this fashionable for
7-year-old boys? -No, no.
Little boys wear entirely different
things. The jacket is mine.
I didn't know about all this!
- What didn't you know?
Well, that they were sending you!
- We're shipped only when ordered.
Or has the shipping department erred?
- No, no, certainly not. I, um ...
It's only... that I didn't know
you would arrive today.
I thought it would be at least
8 days or 2 weeks.
Are you happy that I'm here, Mother?
Yes...
I'm very happy you're here, Konrad.
Can I now lie down for an
hour or two,
because I'm tired from the can opening?
- Yes, of course! Come along.
This must be done, because otherwise
I could be damaged.
Good night, Mother.
Good. Thank you!
-Thank you too.
Caruso! Caruso! Caruso!
Good morning, Mother!
- Hi Konrad!
Jump!
Why did you lift me up and
then put me back down?
I wanted to kiss you, but didn't
know if that would be proper.
Children are to be kissed by their
parents only if they've been good.
I was home alone. I've broken
nothing and caused no damage.
Indeed, I put on the jacket,
since I was a bit cold.
I hope that wasn't improper?
- No, of course not!
Then I think you can kiss me.
Unpack it.
It doesn't appear you like that
at all. - That's true.
If it pleases you, then
I'll also be satisfied.
But it should please you!
You should wear the clothes.
I don't know what the latest
fashion is, only...
"Only" what?
Only ...
- What? Spit it out!
I've seen kids on the street. They were
wearing completely different things.
Because they're boring! They have
no imagination and confidence at all.
and their parents have none either.
You see, the sun,
the cat and the stag,
which I've stitched...
No one in the world besides myself
has one, and on that I'm proud!
That's pretty, right?
- Hmm ...
Good, good, I can see.
Not everyone is like I am.
You look enchanting!
Really unique, super!
You're the most beautiful child
I've seen in my life!
Come, look in the mirror.
No! Seven-year-old boys should
only wash around their ears
and brush their teeth in the mirror.
Otherwise, they become
vain and smug. - Oh!
These are very nice blocks!
Where can I play?
- Where can you do what?
Where is my play corner?
- Play corner? What's that?
Children have a children's room
or a play corner.
Since you don't have a children's room,
you must assign me a play corner.
So, I have a living room,
a bedroom,
an entry way, a bathroom
and a kitchen.
Every room has four corners.
Konrad, you can have all of them!
And the middle of the room too.
No, thanks. One is enough.
- Well, then pick one out.
Where would I disturb you the least?
- Who?
You.
- Disturb me?
Not at all. Certainly not! As far as
I'm concerned, you can play anywhere!
The I'll take this one.
- OK.
I have still a bunch of
other things that I've bought.
A ball, a picture book and a doll.
It's better for a
seven-year-old boy,
to concentrate on one thing entirely.
Otherwise he'll become hyperactive.
I'm sorry! I hadn't considered that.
Is this for me?
- Uh-huh!
I'm a boy!
- Is a doll not for a boy?
No, a doll is something only
for a girl. - Oh, too bad...
She's so pretty!
I have to do a bit of work now.
Yes, of course! We were told
that most mothers work nowadays.
My God, it's 7 o'clock! Konrad, I must
leave, Egon is waiting at the cinema!
Who is Egon? -Oh, we're friends,
Tuesdays and Saturdays.
We wanted to go to the cinema. I'll
tell him about you then be right back.
You don't need to come right back for
my sake. - Of course I must!
You'll play a little while, right?
Good.
Berti! Finally! I already thought
you weren't coming at all!
I'm sorry Egon, but I... - Yes, yes!
Come quickly, it has already started.
Yes, but Egon! I ...
Would you like children? Do you worry
about the problems in raising them?
We deliver a child to specifications.
With us there are no accidents
and no more risks. The latest
scientific production methods and
the most careful quality control...
Sit down! - Egon!
Psst! - ...Our highly-developed final
product fulfills your expectations.
No problems as in natural children.
Instant-children are clean,
well bred, and an instant-child
obeys to the letter.
Egon, I must tell you something!
- Not now, later!
Yes, now!
- Be quiet! We're ready to begin.
Order your instant child, direct from
the factory. - I must say something!
Are you finally calm! - Calm
down, people are watching!
- Egon, I have a child!
- (Laughter in the cinema)
Here we are, Konrad!
This is Egon, the pharmacist.
- Good evening, Mr. Egon.
Berti, I have to talk with you.
Konrad, I must first explain to Egon
why you're here.
Can you watch TV for a while?
- Yes, Mother.
Pull out the top knob, then
push in the third from the bottom.
Thanks, I know.
We were instructed in using TVs.
Annoying! Extremely annoying!
I can't remember ordering him.
I unsuspectingly...
opened the can, and imagine that!
You open up a can,
and look upon a shriveled-up dwarf
who says: "Good day, dear mother!"
"The nutrient solution is in the lid!"
- Unbelievable! - Unbelievable?
Can't you say something other
than "unbelievable" and "annoying"?
That's unbelievable!
- Send him back!
- Egon!
Is it time to go to bed?
- Are you already tired?
Most children aren't yet
tired at bedtime.
Stay up as long as you want. You'll
decide when you want to go to bed.
Sit down! Would you like some candy?
- No, thanks.
Sneaking in food before bedtime
is very bad. -Oh!
Berti, you don't understand.
This child is smarter than you!
He knows how bad sugar
is for the teeth. - Hogwash!
Thanks, the candy was good,
but it worries me.
Candy doesn't worry the stomach!
You would have had to eat an
entire bag already.
Candy doesn't worry the stomach,
but rather the soul.
Because eating candy
before bedtime is forbidden.
That was one of the most important
parts of our lessons,
that we had during final preparations.
- That's terrible!
It was called "guilt hour".
If all children were this way,
I would have had one long ago!
Thus, a well-bred,
respectable, friendly,
well-mannered seven-year-old boy
is a true joy!
Egon, you're an idiot!
Konrad, you need a father.
He needs a father urgently!
He has one! It states so
on his baptismal certificate!
Konrad August Bartolotti.
That's his father!
If that's his father, then he should
come here and care for his child.
That's his sworn duty!
I have no use for Konrad August!
I wish him good riddance!
There he is and there he shall remain!
I don't want him for Konrad either.
Then someone must take
his father's place... - Aha!
And so you happened to think of
yourself. How selfless!
Where I can sleep please?
You know Konrad, that you
actually belong to...
to a proper family
and to a father? - Yes.
And I would be happy
if I could be your father.
I'm now his father.
Konrad has agreed to it.
Really?
Good, it will be fine with me. - How
nice that I have a mother and father!
You must take Konrad to school
tomorrow to enroll him!
Tomorrow is Sunday and schools
are closed! - Monday then.
I can see now, how Konrad brings one
thing after another into the home.
He is an exceptionally intelligent
child. - Yes, yes, yes ...
Berti, this is like growing flowers.
If you give them no water,
then they dry up and you can't sketch
them. Children also need attention!
You must change entirely! You must
become more orderly and above all...
... Motherly!
- I? "Motherly?"
From the ground up!
You must become stable!
That's no concern of yours!
- And how!
I'm now Konrad's father and I would
like him to have an decent mother.
You also can't dress yourself
this way any more. - Ha!
You'll have to keep things tidy and
cook regularly. And, Berti ...
You also have to regularly earn money
so that the child is properly dressed.
Ah...
The ones, the tens, the hundreds
and the thousands...
Good morning, Konrad! Why are you up
so early? - Good morning, Mother!
I'm keeping up good habits. I'll go
to school tomorrow and so it's good
if I prepare myself properly.
- Yes, yes. "Properly, properly..."
My goodness, you're hungry!
- Oh no, I'm already very full.
I can't eat any more.
- Well, then give it a rest!
But what's put on the table
is to be eaten!
Tell me Konrad, do we want to go to
the zoo today? - I don't know.
Or would you rather go for a walk?
- Actually I would most like to
prepare for school. I don't know
how far along the other children are.
Oh, you'll find that out tomorrow!
- I would prefer to know today.
Do you know any seven year olds who
could lend me textbooks?
Don't you want to be in the 1st grade?
- I want to be in 2nd grade at least.
I'm not only an instant child,
but also an elite child.
And you don't want my
intellectual abilities to atrophy.
Oh no! I'll ask the Rosikas,
who have a seven-year-old daughter.
What may I do for you?
- Herbert, what's going on? Ah...
My son, um...
Your daughter is still in the
2nd grade and I thought that...
Because my son...
is going to school tomorrow,
perhaps you could loan the
textbooks to him till this evening.
Yes, we could certainly do that.
- Of course.
You have a son? - Psst, don't
ask about that! Get the books!
We're almost done with the
mathematics book.
Thanks!
I'll return them this evening.
Good day, Berti!
- You? What are you doing here?
Why? I hope I'm not disturbing you.
- Of course you're not.
But Saturday was yesterday
and Tuesday is the day after tomorrow.
That doesn't matter to me.
I'm now the father!
How often does a father come by?
- As often as he can.
Yes, you can very often.
- Of course.
We'll be together every free moment.
Of course, only when Konrad's not asleep.
If he's sleeping, he doesn't need
his father unconditionally.
Hopefully he'll have a good sleep.
Konrad, may I see you again?
1 times 13 plus 17 divided by 3...
Exactly 10.
- Hmm.
7 times 4 divided by 2 plus 36...
Exactly 50.
Berti, the child doesn't belong
in the second grade,
the child belongs in the third
or fourth grade!
A 7-year-old child can't be
in the fourth grade! And actually,
how would you know? -If a child is as
bright as my Konrad, there's no doubt!
Your Konrad? How is he your Konrad?
Sorry. Our Konrad, I mean.
My Konrad, I mean!
Bertilein, let's not argue.
Especially not in front of the child.
You get on my nerves!
Bertilein, I have to ask!
Come on, Konrad, we're going to the zoo,
until your mother calms down.
Is it a sign of nervousness, if one
eats like you are now? - Yeah...
Why then? - Because I don't exactly
know what I should tell the school.
You're seven years old and have
never been to school.
Nevertheless, do you want
to be in 2nd grade?
In the third grade!
- In the third?
Hello, Mrs. Bartolotti!
- Hi!
Hello, my name is Konrad. - I'm Kitty!
Are you in 2nd grade too?
I've considered it and
I'm going to 3rd grade.
Konrad, I think you should talk
more like a child. - Don't I?
I don't know. I hardly know any
7 year olds, but I don't think so.
What are you doing here?
- Well, you're good!
I'm definitely the father.
I mean, if there are difficulties,
I must stand by you. -That isn't
needed, Egon. Go to your pharmacy!
I'm the father and shall remain so.
Come on!
Egon, this is unheard of
impertinence!
Well, was it nice?
- Did you get an A?
No? Why not? - Would you
rather be in the 2nd grade?
Nope, not at all. The stuff they
learn there is terribly boring.
But Konrad, how did you talk?
- I spoke childishly, like the others!
He has a funny mother!
- Who looks like a poppy flower!
I didn't speak today because I first
need to figure out the correct way.
Tomorrow I'll talk like that
and get a guaranteed A!
It's just hard to distinguish between
what's childish and what's rude.
Konrad! -Isn't this the naughty girl
who lives upstairs from you?
I don't want Konrad
to associate with this child.
This girl already stuck her tongue
out at me several times.
My son is very comfortable in the
company of Kitty. - And mine is not!
What should I do now?
Should I associate with her or not?
You should... Ouch!
See, your father says you should.
- Konrad, I'm celebrating my birthday.
I'd be happy if you would come over
around 3. Bye, see you then!
It's better for children when
parents get along. - Yes, yes ...
All people are different.
- Did I ask for a life counsellor?
I learned that in the factory.
You're ready to go?
- Florian is also invited.
Is he nice? - He called me
"Bartolotti Idioti" in school.
I'm sure he was only joking.
- Do you really mean that?
Why did you say it then?
- I wanted to spare you the anguish.
How can you spare me anguish
if you lie?
Why do children tease other children?
- I need to think about that.
I can't easily explain it to you.
I'll tell you after the birthday party.
You promise?
- I absolutely promise.
And if this Florian, this jerk,
bothers you again, then pop him one!
I mean, strike him down,
grind him in the dirt!
Knock him so silly
that he sees 1001 stars!
Wipe the face right off him, my son!
Are you afraid?
Why is the pharmacist your father?
My mother said
he has no children at all.
They're certainly not married.
- Leave him alone.
Landed like a cowpatty!
Good shot, yeah!
It tastes best pounded to a pulp.
Join in!
Terrific!
So, children, this has gone too far!
Konrad started it!
- Such disgusting behavior!
Disgusting, beastly behavior!
- So vulgar, that Florian would lie!
I don't care for this at all!
Take your filthyness somewhere else!
Do you actually know how to do this?
- Of course!
On your marks, get set... go!
Such a stupid game!
- Exactly, it's only for idiots!
Caruso! Sing us a song to dance by!
You know the green Teddy bear
with twenty red paws,
who laughs, dances and sings no more.
Who has forbidden him those things?
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear
is so good, is so calm.
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear
never does what he wants.
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear
never does what he wants!
Damn stupid! Stinking silly!
Come on, let's get out of here!
- Such a boring birthday!
The blame for that lies
with the stupid one there.
What do you like about him?
- We're enemies forever!
Loving couple, you're kissy, kissy,
Bartolotti Idioti!
Loving couple, you're kissy, kissy,
Bartolotti Idioti!
Michi said he thinks I...
... I'm your new love?
- It's true.
Really?
- Really.
Kitty, are you telling me that just
to prevent my anguish? - Nonsense.
That's nice!
Tomorrow we'll go to school together
and return home together too.
And woe if someone does something
to you! It'll be a war with me.
Then I'll get ready!
Is it good for a 7-year-old girl to
protect a 7-year-old boy?
Of course, if he needs it.
- And if others laugh at him?
If you're always concerned about
what others say,
and what others do, then you'll
end up exactly like the others
and you can't have that.
Do you understand?
Unfortunately not, but Kitty loves me.
- Well, so what!
Well done, Konrad!
We must drink to that!
So, I must drink to that.
Here's to you my son!
Egon...
Yuck, yuck... protein!
A 7-year-old boy needs animal protein.
And vitamins A, BB and D.
He'll get it tomorrow!
- He'll get it today! So, my son.
This is a proper boy's dinner!
- But he has just eaten!
That's no dinner,
that's a stomach-churning chore.
My darling, you must change yourself
completely. You're certainly nice,
but also very unfit to raise
a child of Konrad's qualities.
I could do very well by taking over
his upbringing.
Order your own child and you can do
what you like with that one.
But leave Konrad alone!
My darling, you can
insult me as much as you want.
But when it comes to my son,
I won't give in!
Your son? August Bartolotti, the
father's name is August Bartolotti!
Konrad chose me as his father.
Besides, this August Bartolotti
isn't available. Or has your mother
already bought your school supplies?
A good mother doesn't forget
such things. - No, I haven't yet!
As if there were nothing more
important than getting school things.
I would like Konrad by my side.
I can hire a first class nanny
and send him to a first class school.
You're a first class idiot!
There, see how unfit you are!
So, Konrad, do you then agree
that you'll live with me from now on?
I don't exactly know what's right.
- My son, listen to yourself.
You already have a sense of
whom you prefer.
Smoking is unhealthy!
Egon...
How do you like Kitty Rosika?
She's an atrocious, rude girl.
Recently in the pharmacy...
she stuck her tongue out at me
and jumped around on the scale.
And if she wanted to be his girlfriend?
- I'd know how to stop that!
Are you feeling ill, my son?
Hmm, with this grub it's no surprise.
I'm not ill, but I feel that
I want to stay with my mother.
Don't you like me anymore?
- Sure, dear father, I like you a lot.
I'm always happy when you visit us.
- Oh...
Don't take it too hard, Egon.
Everything remains just as it was.
Protein, animal protein
is needed for a boy!
Vitamin A, Vitamin BB and D.
- He'll get it tomorrow.
He'll get it today. This is a
proper boys' dinner. - Bah!
You must change yourself completely
dear Berti! You're certainly very nice,
but you are totally unfit to raise
a boy of Konrad's qualities.
Egon, you're an idiot!
Come on, Konrad, we're leaving!
Don't you like me at all anymore?
Stop, wait! Kitty-Berti!
Konrad, you must change yourself!
- Don't I please you anymore?
Yes, very much!
How is that possible?
A... a... a... child!
Address! - Error of the shipping
department. - What? What?
Take the glasses!
Ooh...
- We will find the boy.
One, two, three, what do I
see there? A couple in love!
Another kiss, then its over
because he must go home!
Cowards! Cowards! Cowards!
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with thirty red ears?
He spits and stomps every which way
and farts quite unabashedly.
Hey, hey, Teddy bear,
don't be good, don't be calm.
Konrad Teddy bear
doesn't dare do what he wants!
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with thir...
Konrad, what is it?
- I don't know what I should do.
Seven-year-old boys should listen
attentively when mothers talk or sing.
but 7-year-old boys
should immediately turn away
when there's improper talk
or singing.
I don't believe
I know any proper songs.
Oliver says you're quite intolerable.
"A tattle-tale," he called you.
I can't do what's forbidden.
- Tattling is forbidden,
because it provokes others. If you
tell on others, you're a snake.
Who wants to demonstrate gymnastics?
Denise?
- Nah.
Konrad?
- Remain seated!
- Don't get up!
Boo! Traitor!
"Karantella, Karantella, Karantella,
Karantella, Karantella, Karantella!"
Who is that?
- Caruso!
- Yes!
And who is this: "Vitamins,
vitamins are what the child needs!"
Egon?
- Yes!
And now it's your turn!
I am you!
I can't do anything forbidden.
I can't upset any adults.
I was made that way by the factory.
- Nonsense!
Everyone can change. You too.
You just haven't tried properly.
22 Marks, please.
A father has to pay for his child!
They call it alimony.
You've been a father for three weeks
and I've not seen a Pfennig!
Berti, not so loud! Keep the change.
- Thank you.
Naturally I'll support you. We
could also raise Konrad jointly!
That's out of the question!
Certainly...
the situation with Konrad
is quite confused.
The flowers, that you bring me, wither,
before I have sketched them.
The newspaper has been notified.
- If you give them...
... "fresh water every day,
cut off the stems," I know...
Berti, you're incorrigible.
Cheers!
- To you too!
So.
- Shall we go? - Yes.
I'll show you something interesting.
This is Strychnos toxifera.
Obtained from the bark of this tree
by the Indians in Latin America -
from between the Orinoco
and Amazon -
we get the famous
arrow poison "curare".
They call it Tupi Urari.
Which translates as
"whomever gets it, drops."
If this poison enters the bloodstream,
it's absolutely fatal.
Within a few minutes it causes
heart paralysis, muscle paralysis
and respiratory paralysis.
Alexander von Humboldt...
Now we'll go down to look at
the moonseed plants.
By 1815 Alexander von Humboldt became
the first to describe the precise
production and effects of curare.
In the stomach, curare is harmless.
Thus, the Indians could eat animals
killed by their curare arrows.
Well, enjoyed in small quantities
ice cream could be good medicine
for tired feet.
- Who wrote to you?
- Oh... just some advertisements.
Ads don't come by express letter.
- The letter is from the factory.
Open up the letter! - And what if
it contains something unwelcome?
Forget the letter. We'll burn it!
It'll be as though it never existed.
Maybe it says something good.
Perhaps Konrad won the lottery.
Children, children! My intuition
says there's nothing good in it.
The letter feels bad. - So we must
open it more than ever!
If one knows about bad things, they're
less bad than if one doesn't know.
If you mean ...
Konrad, read to us.
- "Dear Mrs. Bartolotti!
We have found, after a review of our
delivery department,
that we've made a regrettable error.
You were shipped a...
seven-year-old boy that you
were in no way entitled to."
Of all the nerve!
At the time, you filled out two
reminder forms
for another product we have long
since finished.
We ask you to promptly make the boy
available and get him ready to be
picked up by our service department
for delivery to his rightful parents."
- Such an awful mess!
- "We would like to point out you,
that the factory retains ownership of
instant children for their lifetimes
and are only delivered on loan for
rearing and the use of the parents."
- Shamelessness!
- "Objection on your part is futile
and there is no right of appeal."
That means... in the next few days.
You must not surrender him!
- If he really is a misdelivery!
And if he belongs to someone else...
And if I've put in reminders...
I can't cook properly.
And Egon says,
I'm not a good mother.
You're my mother
and you're a good mother.
There, you've heard it,
he doesn't want to leave!
But you could become a mother
who provides vitamins.
And sings proper children's songs.
And has a proper husband.
I've become accustomed to having
your love, as has Egon.
And if I go away,
I'd be away from Kitty too.
No, I want to stay here.
That's how I feel.
You really feel that way?
We must think of something that
will work against those jerks.
We must take action!
Write them a courteous letter,
saying that I want to stay here.
Nonsense! They don't care
a bit about what you want!
We need to come up with
something quite cunning!
But if the action is prohibited,
I can't partake. - Hmm...
"Forbidden, forbidden,"...
March, Konrad, off to your bedroom!
I have to discuss something
with Kitty.
Konrad must first disappear so the
service department won't find him.
We'll take him to Egon. - And what
happens if they figure that out?
Then he must be made so that
they don't want him anymore!
Insolent? Loud? Messy?
Snotty?
- Exactly!
In other words, Konrad isn't like the
way he was trained by the factory.
And what one has learned,
one can unlearn again.
And who should teach him that?
- I can't ask Egon.
The factory would become suspicious!
But you can do it!
Good day!
- Good day!
What does it cost to clean this carpet?
- 6.50 Marks per square meter.
Too expensive! Let's keep going. Can
we get out this way? We live here.
Please.
- Thanks!
Pardon me!
Berti, what... what is the plan now?
- To carry out the disappearance!
Why should I hide the carpet?
- Not the carpet. Konrad!
You must hide Konrad. Just help
out a bit for once! - Konrad?
Where... where is he then?
- Push this here!
So.
Get out of my way!
- Yes, what should...
Oh, heavens! - Sit down, Egon,
I'll explain everything to you.
I have no time, the pharmacy is full
of people! -Then leave and close it!
But Mrs. Bartolotti,
that's much too conspicuous.
A pharmacy can't simply close down!
- Yes, very good!
Very good!
My darling, that goes way too far!
- It must be done.
We have had Konrad only by mistake.
They want to pick him up again!
That's out of the question!
Did you actually pay for him?
- No!
Oh, how nasty!
Mother, what are we doing here?
- Kitty and I are leaving again.
You stay and wait for Egon. He's
coming around 6:30. Don't go out!
Can you bear it in this shack?
A 7-year-old boy must be able to
occupy himself for a couple of hours.
That's so hard!
- Yes! So, once again!
Yes, phew!
- So, now we're going.
You know the green Teddy bear
with thirty red ears ...
- We have reconsidered it.
- Hmm.
Look out!
Here comes the "Konrad Destroyer"!
Ah, you're all so stupid and
you understand nothing at all!
I understand. You love monkeys!
-What can he do since that's how he is?
They made him that way!
- Who did, huh? Kitty, you're crazy!
Oh dear! Now you're grey
and hideous as a head louse.
But...
... at least no one will
recognize you. Yuck!
I'm getting bored in this
stupid city. -Yes, yes, I know.
What may I do for you?
Oh, it's you! Berti...
Yes, today you please me!
Typical! As soon as I look like a
Pfälzer liverwurst, I please you.
But I like liverwurst
as much as I do parrots.
Hello? I already know 97 foreign
words. Father has tested me.
So, now I'll explain to you our
grand plan. - Excuse me, Mother,
but I believe the plan is useless.
They'll discover me anywhere.
Exceptional circumstances
require extraordinary measures!
Imagine that, Konrad
disappeared four days ago!
Didn't he go with you
to school this morning?
Nah, that was Oliver.
- Oh, well...
With that mother it's no wonder.
I must tell you something!
Do you want to go with us again
because that guy is gone?
I have to tell you something,
because of Konrad!
The blue men from the factory are
after him, and we must try
to drive them away. - Great, and if
they still don't leave him in peace?
Oh Oli, Kitty is right,
we simply have to try.
Exactly, we simply won't go away!
- Here, for Konrad.
I'm here to pick up the misdelivery.
Sorry, the misdelivery ran away three
days ago. Without a trace!
You weren't to allow that! He is,
after all, the company's property.
Allow? You are good!
First, you sent me something
that I haven't ordered, and then
expect me to take care of everything!
Have you reported the loss to
the police? - Well, listen up,
you sky-blue dwarf, you!
Who reports the loss of something
that doesn't belong to him and which
he doesn't want? Go to hell!
Come on, now tell me all the swear
words you know. - I don't know any.
But! What have Florian and Oliver
called out behind your back?
I can't speak such words aloud.
They choke in my throat.
Then alternate saying a decent word
and a swear word in turn.
Dear friend...
Idiot.
Idi...
- Go!
Idi...
- Say it!
Idi...
Idi...
Idi... Idi...
Ouch!
Idi... ot!
Dear friend ...
Idi...
- Go!
Idi... Idio...
Ouch!
...ot.
Idi... ot
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
You learn quickly!
That's enough for today, now we
can play. - "Concentration"?
No, coloring on the walls.
- But father expressly forbade it!
Oh, don't worry about Egon!
You'd rather draw a flower.
Don't be afraid. Color with me!
Oh dear, coloring walls
is strictly forbidden!
Super, Konrad! Great!
It's I!
Oh, my goodness!
Oh, my goodness!
Exceptional circumstances require
extraordinary measures, Mr. Egon!
I know, I know ...
- Konrad already knows swear words.
Yes!
Idiot, idiot, idiot.
You must praise him,
otherwise all was in vain!
My dear son, I'm proud of you,
how quickly you learn.
Mrs. Bartolotti, open up!
We know that you're in there!
Open at once, Mrs. Bartolotti!
- Why?
Due to the misdelivery. If you don't
open at once, we'll force our way in!
You try that!
Filthy pigs!
Thugs!
Child snatcher!
Hopefully this will soon be over,
then we can go back to the museum.
And if you like it here,
you can also stay here.
This Kitty appears to be
a very sensible girl.
Well certainly, and how!
You could have spared us your
diversion. - Who are you anyway?
The factory's service department.
What do you think! After the runaway.
That's trespassing!
- This is theft of others' property!
Oops?
I've already said that he's gone.
He ran away 4 days ago!
I found something!
They are exposed. The date on the
homework is from 2 days ago.
No, slingshots are too expensive.
- Rig a trip cord!
And where?
- By the house door, where else?
Well, my paint bags
would be the best!
Oh, super!
Intense!
- Terrific!
Super!
- We need ten of them!
Or twenty!
- No, a hundred!
"How are...
you...
my...
Mother?"
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with forty red noses?
He throws things about
in his fury and rage.
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear is so jolly,
is so great! Hey, hey, Teddy Bear...
I learn quickly, right?
- Hmm.
Who knows the green Teddy bear with
forty red noses? He throws things...
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with thirty red ears? He...
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear,
don't be good, don't be calm!
Hey, hey, Teddy Bear,
don't shit your pants in fear!
Now it's snowing!
Just you wait,
I'll tell your mother!
Kitty, did you see?
They're completely blue!
Kitty, you should not
have arrived so publicly!
Hiding no longer makes sense.
Keep an eye out!
A little too much sky-blue
for such a dreary day, huh?
Now everything is over!
- Nothing is over!
I'll go up to Konrad
and initiate the crash course!
Yes, what can I do? Berti should
be here. She's always braver than I!
Buongiorno!
- Oh, Caruso!
Mr. Caruso, would you be so kind
as to carry a letter for me?
Please, can I do that. To whom?
- Mrs. Bartolotti.
Konrad! Here we go, now comes
the hyperactivity program!
That will blow off their ears and
noses, those Pissheads!
What may I do for you? - I would like
a pack of 20 Xanthocarpums.
Yes, I have to order it first. If you
could return in two hours.
One, two, three!
Thanks. I'm waiting here.
Now we're the Konrad rescue squad!
One, two, three, jump!
My God! Here too?
We're surrounded!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
One, two, three!
You'll get your son...
... soon in your arms. - You've
put us off now for weeks!
When will I at last get my little boy?
- Right away, Madam!
Get the boy out! It's our property!
You have no rights to it!
Over my dead body!
- Don't let them through!
It isn't necessary that we go get him.
Instant-children obey to the letter.
Konrad! Konrad!
Konrad, come at once!
Why doesn't he come?
- We ordered an obedient child.
One, two, three!
You know, he simply won't listen. You
can yell till you're blue in the face!
We must storm the apartment!
Who bellowing so insanely at me?
I'm coming, you idiot!
Mr. Director, you want to tell
us this is the boy we ordered?
Sorry, that was intentional!
- Unheard of!
This should be a well-behaved child?
They are a bogus company indeed!
Calm down, Grandpa,
or you'll get ulcers!
And the director's name is Hector!
Because he's often drunk,
he pisses in his pants!
- Are the still there?
- Yes, but not for much longer!
Okay, then we'll finish with them!
The boy can't be from my
production. Impossible!
Come on, let's go.
We still would rather get a dog!
You want to beat it?
- There will be consequences!
And don't forget your gorillas
in the courtyard!
Konrad, you were great!
Who knows the green Teddy bear
with fifty red feet...
Must I be like this from now on?
- Oh, no!
Must I now be as I was before?
- Oh, no! - We've done that already!
Hey, hey, Teddy bear,
not longer good, no longer calm!
Konrad Teddy bear,
he now does what he wants!
Subtitles translated
by HungryHippo