Confetti (2006) - full transcript

My name is Antoni Clarke
and I am a bride's best friend.

I'm not gay.

Now I own Confetti Magazine,
but Vivien is the editor,

and she's really the backbone
of the publication.

She does all the day-to-day
work if you like.

This is going to be the event
of the year and we have to,

we have to really go for it
as the event of the year.

It's immense, because our
reputation is, is, is hanging

on a thread if we fail in this.

It's half an hour
on a Saturday afternoon,

three weddings, it's easy.



All you have to do

is hold up a card
and say ten out of ten

or nil points.

We're all very excited.

We were gonna do another
bride of the year competition,

but we thought that would just end up being
given to a woman in a white dress again.

So we thought we'd do the most
original wedding as an idea.

We're giving away a house

to the couple
with the most original wedding.

Not everyone wants to get married in a crazy way.

Not everyone wants their special
day ruined by a gimmick,

but some people do.

Pitch us your vision
of the most original wedding.

Well, we're dinosaurs,
we're raptors actually.



It's a dinosaur-themed
wedding?

Yeah, absolutely.

We want it in a cave,
first of all.

Thanks so much for coming.

Already?
So soon?

Yep, already.

I don't want to waste
your time. Next.

Hi, hello. Thank you
so much for coming.

All the guys are gonna be
dressed as Elvis Presley.

And the girls will be dressed
as, you know, teddy girls.

Don't you think the idea
has been done before?

No.

Right, next.

Vivien, am I gonna
be meeting

more mental people today?

We're going to get married

following the Daffodil Route
around Wales.

It's a train route.

It starts in Cardiff.

I appreciate you wanting
to come here and win a house.

It's not gonna
happen for you. Good-bye.

There are three changes on the
way from here to Bridgeport.

I'm sure you fucking
loved it, didn't you?

You love a train. Go on.

She was tremendously pretty.

We could actually partner
her up with somebody else.

Well, what we had in mind was
a kind of ancient Roman wedding.

Great.

It starts with the sacrifice
of a pig at the bride's house.

Fuck me.

But maybe with some
hairstyle around it

and a prescription lens.

Next.

Get out.

If we were producing
a sort of updated version

of The Joy of Sex,

you two would be perfect.

Naturists or Joy Of Sex?

The Joy of Sex

are better looking,
but the naturists,

well, it's more,
it's more Confetti.

I don't want them at all.

I'd rather have the Romans.

That's as maybe.

Naturists, tennis, musicals.

Our submission was accepted,
and our submission, by the way,

we should probably say,
is the musical theme.

The theme for
a musical wedding.

Yeah, Hollywood musicals,
that's what we're going for. Yeah.

The idea that we pitched
is it's in the style

of the sort of Busby Berkeley,

so it's a big kind
of production number.

We're having sort of
bridesmaids as the chorus girls.

You know they'd sort of have
the sweeping kind of staircase

of bridesmaids in those films,
and Jen,

my sister, obviously,

she'll be bridesmaid of honor,
won't she?

Oh, absolutely.
She'd love to be.

She's away at the moment,
but she's a dancer.

She's in Bahrain with a cruise.

She travels around a lot,

and we don't always know
where she is.

I work in a care home
for the elderly.

Sam comes along sometimes
and she helps out.

She helps me,

and she sings for them--
lovely.

I'm slightly tone-deaf,
but Matt's always said

if I wasn't tone-deaf,
I'd have a very good voice.

Yeah, it's true.

Uh, so, you know,
I enjoy it.

It's all confidence,
that's all it is. Yeah, yeah.

A lot of it
is confidence.

Well, the vision for our wedding

is going to be
actually quite simple.

Tennis.
Tennis.

Yeah!

Woo!

Come on, Josef.
- I mean, we are gonna win.

If you're listening, losers,

the other people in the
competition, give it up.

Stop.

Stop now, because
we're gonna win.

It's not about how good
our wedding is,

it's about can we do anything

to make theirs a little...

That's what you do in tennis.
That's what you do.

You've got to look at someone's
game and you have to destroy it.

Yeah, we have a coach.

Well, I say coach.

We have a coach.

He's, uh...

Jesus, he's amazing.

He's so supportive.

My inner game is gone
at the moment

and he's really

working on that with me.
Yeah.

So when we're on
the court, that's what,

that's what we're working on.

He's very interested in
getting inside you, isn't he?

He's fantastic at it.

* I like to ride
my bicycle with you. *

Well, I'm Michael.

This is Joanna.

I'm Joanna.

And, uh, yeah, I've been
a naturist all my life.

And Joanna...

And Joanna's quite
new to it, really.

I'm a beginner.

* Never say good-bye... *

Summerland, it's the oldest
naturist camp in the country.

Mum and Dad lived here

and they were naturists.

Well, my dad was a policeman,

my mum worked
as a legal secretary.

And they do think, they do worry
a bit that I'm in a cult.

It's not a cult.

It's not a cult.

I mean, we are all naked,
apart from clothes.

All the time.

And then when you take the
clothes off, it's more obvious.

You know, I know for this film

I'm supposed to sit like this
so that you can't see my penis.

But you know, I'm looking
at my penis now.

It's lovely.

It seems absolutely
fine to me.

Now the auditions we had,
I was very excited about it,

but I'm not particularly now.

One is a potential idea,
perhaps, the musical couple.

No, no, no.

We've gone back to singing
out of tune again, dear.

The tennis couple
maybe could work.

But the girl, she has
the most extraordinary nostrils.

I mean, I can't
take my eyes off them.

So if you put that

on a front cover,

the nation won't be able
to take their eyes off them.

The third choice...

I mean, where do you
want me to start?

They want to be on
the front cover naked.

But I'm optimistic.

I have my wedding planners
coming in soon

and..., Heron and Hough, and
they seem absolutely dynamic.

Push it a bit to the side.

You all right?

* L is for the way you look at me * Come in.

Hi!

Hello.

This is my partner.

Heron and Hough.

Your dreams are enough.

I think this is going to be
the most extraordinary

theatrical wedding,
love celebration.

Three-ring circus.

It's a three-ring
circus of love

and we're gonna be
right at its center.

Don't show them that.

Come away.
Don't show them that.

This...

No, stop it.

This...
No.

This is our award wall.

You shouldn't
show them that.

I know, but,
let... you know.

Don't show them
that one or that one.

We're not clear on budget,
are we at the moment?

No, but, I mean,
the great thing, it's,

as you know,
it's a very big magazine.

So I think we're safely
assuming that there will be

some money to spend.

Just a little bit.

Which is why we've
already started.

I mean, we haven't met

the couples yet, but we already
have a load of ideas

that we wanted to
kind of spring on them.

And I think one's first
instinct is often the best.

Black and silver sparkle.

Oh, lovely.
That's good, good choice.

Because, also, we're up
against time, don't forget.

Yes.

We would often plan a wedding
over nine, 12, 18 months.

And we have three months

to plan three weddings.

Yes. Which we're up for.

Mad as cheese, the pair of us.

Mad as cheese.
Yeah.

What we give people is a
huge part of ourselves.

It's our wedding on the day.

We have not lost one yet.

No, there's nobody
who has been married

at a wedding we have organized who is not still together.
...who has separated.

Oh, come on, don't
serve so hard to her.

What do you mean, don't
serve so hard to her?

How's she going to get any better if I don't serve hard to her?

I mean, you're the man.

Are you here? Are you
actually in the room?

Do it again.
Just go one more time.

Do what again? Serve
so you can miss it?

Jesus is, uh,

an exceptionally,
an exceptionally mediocre coach.

Oh, well, my name is Jesus
and I am from Spain.

Um, yep, there's
the difficulties of my name

is because it also is called
Jesus.

* Clouds and stormy weather... *

I mean, if anyone goes around
calling himself Jesus,

frankly, it's a bit sad.

There must be a deep well
of insecurity in there.

I will hurt if they get married,

because I think he's not
the appropriate man for her.

Yeah, that's character.

I mean, she needs more love,
she needs more smiling,

and she needs, yeah, a little
bit more of sweetness.

Back.

It's very lovely.

In front.

No, no, no, don't stop.
I think this is good.

What's good?

At this rate.
Keep going.

Are you tired?
No, I'm not tired.

You need to sit down, yeah?

I'm not "tyrid,"
if anything, I'm tired.

Sorry, sorry.

Woo, positive, positive.
Just for the opening... Yeah?

I was feeling something.
Yeah?

Take my hand.
What were you feeling?

I think that would be
lovely, that.

I was feeling that
this could be used.

For the wedding?
Used in the wedding?

Yeah.
That would be excellent.

Who's getting married?

You know, he's always going on

about how warm they are
in the Mediterranean,

you know, they're very,
you know, tactile people,

but he doesn't touch anyone as
much as he touches my fiancée.

I don't think...

Oy!

I'm watching!

"Rules of entry. Number one.

You hereby confirm
you're not already married.

Two. You agree to participate
in pre-marriage counseling."

Counseling.

Counseling.

Yes.

I'm not doing
counseling.

Josef, you've...

I'm not doing
counseling.

I just think...
I've done counseling.

I know.
You know I've done counseling.

I'm not doing it.

I'm not doing it!

Let's just concentrate on...

how we want
these people to look.

The tennis players,
I mean Isabelle and Josef,

we want them to look
so glamorous.

Well, we want them
to win, don't we?

Yes, I quite like
the musical couple.

I think they're...
I think they're quite sweet.

And they'll look
wonderful on the day.

She's a little dowdy.
No, she'll

be fine if we dress her
in a beautiful dress.

You never know
on the day, either.

You know, the naturist couple,
on the day, might be fantastic.

I don't think anyone
wants to see her muff.

You chose them.

* Summer breeze
and blue, blue sky *

* Memories of that
beautiful delight... *

I was quite excited
by the people that we met.

I think, you know,
of the three couples, I think

I couldn't, wouldn't want
to favor any of them.

I think they're all exciting,

very much in love, I think.

I'm having slight problems with
the tennis, Isabelle and Josef.

And a woman
that only wears things

that she's knitted herself
is just gonna be difficult.

Yes, and they did smell.

* ...back to the time
when we were so carefree *

* And easy, building
castles in the sand *

* While our dreams
of strolling hand-in-hand *

* Will light
the love you bring *

* You're the song I sing
and everything is you. *

Well, it was...
It was a really,

really good
day, wasn't it?

Yeah, it was
an amazing day.

There was so many
things to see and...

And also, from the,
from the time that, uh...

Sam had that makeover,
you know,

that would be enou... you know,

the fact that she was chosen
to have a makeover anyway was,

oh, my God.

* I see tomorrow in her eyes *

* And where my future lies *

* So I don't need
a crystal ball at all *

* Because I've seen
tomorrow in her eyes *

* And time shall hold
no sad surprise *

* More hellos than good-byes *

* So I don't need
a crystal ball at all *

* Because I've seen
tomorrow in her eyes *

* I've seen tomorrow
in her eye. *

They just happened to pick her
to have a makeover.

Out of all those people
in the audience, so we had

to have a word,
a civil word,

and they kindly agreed
to, uh, to go again.

Oh, doesn't she look gorgeous?

A big round of applause
for the lovely Isabelle.

She's got herself in a picture.

She's got herself...
just, see?

Hi.

Hello.
Oh, hi.

Come on in.

Ooh.

Lovely to see you.

You, too.

Perch yourself
on the couch.

Hello, love. Hi.
Lovely to see you.

Lovely to see you.

In you come.
Thanks.

Okay. Well, you know,
first and foremost,

you know, thank you so much
for coming and doing this job.

We are so
excited about it.

Good, I'm thrilled.

Now, to cut
to the chase.

There are several things that
are on my mind at the moment

that need to be
sort of sorted.

Firstly, I need--
which has also come

from the powers that be
above--

I need one venue
for all three weddings.

The wedding,
wedding competition.

For all the weddings?

That's right, yes.

'Cause we thought about

Queen's Club and Roland Garros.

Well, I love
your ideas.

They're great, but they're not
within the budget, you know.

So, um...
one venue.

Now a second point is, and
one that does concern me,

are the naturists.

I need, I need
the naked girl dressed.

I need her in a dress.

In a dress?

In a dress, yes.

But they're nudists,
aren't they?

No, they're
naturists.

All right, well, yes,

but they take
their clothes off.

Well, I need them in a dress.

Does she know that?

No, that's
your job to tell her.

Right.

I think they actually
do play volleyball.

I don't know, so that's what
we're going to find out.

I feel a bit sick,
actually, Archie.

Oh, my God.

Oh, my good...!

It's a naked man
on a bike!

It's a naked...

All right, just keep
your eye on the road.

Did you see that!

I did see it.

I'm choosing to ignore
it. Now, just... Look.

No clothes on, just riding
around on his bike!

Just pull up here,
pull up here.

Will there be,
will there be any...

We'll be obvious,
won't we?

I mean, we'll be obvious
when we meet them.

How are you doing?

All right.
Hi.

Hey, there.

Good. Nice to see you again.

Hi. Hi.
How are you doing?

Hi, Joanna.
Archie.

Hi, there.
Hi.

Great, glad
you could make it.

Just don't
want to...

Oh, no, no,
I'm all right.

Thanks for coming.
Yeah.

Well, let's, uh...

Show you round.
Yes.

Hi, guys.

Hello.

Hi.

Hello.

You know, you have
a really good game

of badminton and no need
to wash your kit, so...

so that's a bonus.

Do you play
badminton?

No.
Right.

You are aware, aren't you,
that these weddings

will all take place,
all three competitors

will have their weddings
in the same venue

on the same day,
one after another.

Sort of concurrently.

In a venue?

It doesn't,
it doesn't...

No, I didn't
know that.

No, it isn't, it isn't

absolutely, well,
it is clear, in fact,

but it isn't, it isn't
underlined or anything.

No, 'cause
it says...

It just says you
have to approve where...

...where we want
our wedding.

Well, the
magazine approves,

and they've,
they've decided

that to make it easier for
the judges to be everywhere,

it all has to be inside

and on one occasion.

What's that?

This is "Primavera."

Who's he?

No, that's a painting
by Botticelli.

Oh, sorry.

But you said
nature, it explores

some of the
themes of nature.

Obviously you've got these
apples, pears and things

and the elements blowing on her
and there's flowers and so on,

and the strength
of his sword.

And there's just, she's
just slightly veiled

and you can see the
nakedness underneath.

But that's just
wacky costumes.

It's just costumes.

It's a kind of
theater, isn't it?

It's not real,

and we're about
nature and real.

Oh, Holly, thanks ever so much.

Thank you.

That's all right.
Make way.

I'll move those.

Thanks.

Quite all right.

Thanks very much.

What are we going to do?

They're going to want to walk in

and take their clothes off,
aren't they? Yes.

Do you think we should
allow them to do that?

Yes, if that's what
they want to do.

Good, I think that, too.
Absolutely.

If they want to do that,
they should be

allowed to do that.
Of course they do.

To ask them
to get married

in another way,
you know, clothed,

is completely contrary
to everything we believe in,

so, yes, they must be naked
people as they get married,

because that's who they are.

All right, lovely.

So, musical.
Musical's King and I.

It's not The King and I.
It should be The King and I.

Why does it have to be
The King and I?

King and I this,
King and I that.

It offers so much
design-wise.

It's East meets West.

There's fantastic opportunities for food there.
Archie.

You know I can bring,
I can get hold of elephants.

I'm thinking

Singing in the Rain.

I can just see it.

We can have the rain
from the Wimbledon

falling all over the MGM.

It'll just be singing-- On the
Town. Oh, please, On the Town.

I hate On The Town.

How can you
hate On The Town?

Oh, it was that woman in the
cab, she just drives me mad.

Oh, she's wonderful.

So, folks, el maestro.

Sorry we're late.

This is Paul.
Sam.

Nice to meet you.
Nice to meet you.

Paul.
Hi, again.

Oh, how are you?

Paul has been working with us
on some ideas for your wedding,

which we'd like to show you.

This is nice.

So... we've put
some stools out.

We've kind of, it's like
a little show. It's like...

Just, if you could
take the stools,

we're going to show you...

Now?
Yes.

Right now?

And we want
to show you

what we've come up with... Okay.

...as potential vows
for your wedding.

Shall I take my coat off?

* I gave you my
love... always *

* To have and
to hold *

* Always *

* A life to unfold
as man and wife *

* Always *

* Always *

* I give my life to you *

* Evermore shall
my heart be true *

* For the rest of our lives
we'll live as one *

* Always... *

* Always. *

That's amazing.

That is really amazing.

Exciting, isn't it?

That is...
That's amazing.

Do you like that?

Yeah, I love it,

and it's a bit like ours.

Off your bottom
and show us.

Off your bottom
and show us.

I'm sure it is,
but we just cobbled that together.

I'm sure we can get some sort
of middle ground

between the two or...

* I promise to love you *

* I promise to care for you *

* I promise
to always make you laugh... *

You're both singing
in different keys.

Yeah. Yeah, that's,
that's harmony.

Oh.

We know now
we can't be here,

but if we get married there,
then it has to be clothed.

I didn't,
I didn't hear them say that.

It has to be clothed,

but for me it does have
to be clothed.

You want it to be?

Well, I'm happy
as a naturist with you

and a naturist
with naturists,

but I'm not happy
being undressed

in front of lots
of clothed people.

It's been your life forever,
and I'm new to it still.

Yeah, but you're not gonna
give them nightmares.

I mean, you know,
you look beautiful.

You'll be fine.
No, they'll laugh.

Someone will laugh at us.

They won't laugh.

People don't laugh.

I'm not prepared
to feel shame

and feel humiliation
on our wedding day.

It's their problem.

It's completely their problem,
though, isn't it?

I think it's your mum.

I think it's your mum
that does this.

Think about your mum now.
Think about your mum now.

Picture your mum.
Do you want to get dressed?

Yes.

See? There we go.

It's her.

She's so... clothed.

* When we were young *

* You used to laugh so much *

* But now
you're always buying wine *

* And wanking on
about your sofa. *

I'm like Eno on speed.

It's just kind of like,

you take the whole thing
and I just...

Speedo.
Speedo.

That's what we're like.

This is what we're like,
isn't it? Yeah.

This is what
we used to be like.

Well, we still are,
still are.

Yeah.

* You've made your bed *

* I hope you lie in it *

* With the girl who stole
our dreams away *

* She's just like Jo Jo,
oh, no *

* Dead man walking *
* Whoo-hoo *

* Can't you hear *

* Can't you hear
your old friend talkin'? *

You can do Wizard of Oz,
right?

Wizard of Oz is a musical, yeah?

Yeah?
Okay, all right.

You've got, uh...
You've got the...

Do you mean
at the wedding?

Yes. You've got the bass,
the, the cowardly lion,

the Tin Man on drums,
you've got Dorothy on guitar,

you've got, second guitar
can be the, uh...

Toto.

Toto. Yes, the little dog.

This is not
a bad idea.

And I can be the little monkey
with the wings.

The flying monkey
with the tail.

You can just take him.
Take him with you.

I don't think you're taking me seriously at all.

No, no, no.
The Flaming Lips do it.

It's not a joke.

It's not a joke, Snoopy.
It's our wedding.

The Flaming Lips do it.
The Flaming Lips do it.

I can speak to her.

That's...
Well, I don't think

you really need
to speak to her.

I'm just going to have
to calm this one down,

because she does
really think

you're taking a piss,
do you know what I mean?

No, mate, I'm not.
I know you're not.

She liked everything else.

Soon as I said the monkey
with the wings...

I don't even know if it was the monkey,
to be honest.

It was the monkey,
with the wings,

'cause I saw her face
and it dropped.

If you don't want a monkey,
you don't have to do it.

It wasn't
an integral part.

I could be
a wicked witch.

I'm a bit anxious, actually.

We're both anxious.

Today is a big day.

We've got the wedding planners
coming in

and those lovely little fellas,

hopefully will have come up
with something very exciting

for our wedding,
because we've not heard much.

No, we haven't heard much and we
gave them a lot of information.

A lot of information.

We're hoping
that they're coming back today.

With something concrete.

Sorry we're so late.

That's okay.
Let's get started.

Let's not waste no more time.
Oh, okay.

Look, should
we just show you?

We've got it
within our heads.

We'll do it.
No, no, no. Fantastic.

The opening
of your ceremony.

Brilliant.
Where do you want us?

Well, if you just go
over there.

Right.
We'll imagine you're the congregation.

You're the congregation.

Right, brilliant.
And we're...

and this is where we're
sort of looking that way.

And what?

Let's give them a chance,
I suppose, you know.

You never know.

The parade
of the ball boys.

On they come.

Go!

Go!

And then...

From the back come
your gigantic balls.

On the way down
on the tram lines, hmm?

Right.

And then you perform your vows,
then you're married.

And that's the start.

What do you think?

That's not where...

You know, we need to speak
to someone professional.

I mean, you move beautifully,
both of you,

but we need someone who knows
what they're doing properly.

With, um, you know,
with ball boys and ball girls, don't we?

Yeah. So a choreographer,
first of all.

We think that the choreographer
really should be the ring mate

of the MGM wedding couple.

Yes.

Sorry. We can't have
the choreographer

because they've got one?

Well, because their dance
is sort of key, central to...

It's central to us.

Yeah. I've worked already.
I've worked a lot.

Right before you guys came in,

I was, I was working
on the moves.

She does dancing.

Yes, I saw that.

I thought you'd injured
yourself.

Yeah, I mean, whatever,
whatever, we need some...

We need a...
We asked for a...

Oh, for saints of Jesus.

Can you get rid of him?

Get rid of him.

I have to explain
something to you.

We have to win
this competition.

There's no question
of if, but or maybe.

We have to win it.

We are in,
we are in severe financial...

Are you... What are you doing?

Jesus is here.
I invited him along.

Can you go away?

No, I invited him here.
I want him to go!

I want him to go!
I want him to stay!

I want him to stay!
I want him to go!

Hey, listen,
speak nice to her.

She's going
to be your wife.

No. Can you go?

What's it like being short?

Do you like being short?

Josef, stop it.
You're rude all the time.

What's the weather
like down there, is it good?

Anyway...

What's the Spanish
for "Go away, you fairy"?

Josef, stop it.

You have to say,
"I love you" to her not this bad word.

I'm sorry?
What do you have to say to her?

Listen, don't
touch me.

I'm not touching you.
Stop it!

Hey! Hey, hey!

I'm not touching you!

Josef, no, no!

No, no, no!

* Every sight
and every sound... *

Now, listen,
listen, please, please!

Stop it! Stop it!
Please, listen, please.

Please, now listen to me.

You do not, you do not have
an education

from a boy's boarding school

in the north of England
and be the only gay boy there,

and not know how
to handle yourself.

So if you move again,
I'm going to break your arm.

Do you understand?
Tell him to get off.

He doesn't deserve you.

He'll be fine.

He just needs,
he just needs to run it off.

Sorry.

It's fine, it's fine.

So from the top.

I think we should just,
you know...

Oh, God!
No!

* Love is in the air... *

No, no, no, no, no!

Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

You stop it, you stop it!

And you stop it!
Just stop it!

This is ridiculous.

It's just stupid!

I come here for this?

I was appalled by that
and shocked.

It was,
it was terrifying.

It was
a terrifying experience.

It's in my top ten
terrifying experiences.

It's just not what
we're used to.

It's not the world
we work in, really.

But you know,
we showed them a few things

and we'll come out
and show them more.

You showed them
some things.

You-You stood up,
you stood up for me,

and you stood up,
you stood up for yourself.

It was amazing.

It was wonderful,
Archie.

It's really wonderful.

You do know that.

I'm so proud of you.

Come on. Let's go.

We'll see you later.
Bye.

Bye.

People don't like me, do they?

Josef, people like you.

Who?
I like you.

You don't count.

Why not?

Well, you do count,

but you don't count
in the people who like me.

Why not?

Because you obviously
like me.

Well, do you like me?

Josef...

I don't like me.

Maybe that's
the real problem.

Thank you, Dr. Freud.

Well, I'm just saying,
you know,

I have a lot more
experience.

I mean, I went to counseling.
I stayed there.

I'm not going
to counseling.

Don't start that again.

I'm just saying that,
if you stayed a bit longer,

maybe we could have answered some of these questions.

You need, we're going to get you
in a positive space right now.

I don't feel that you are.

Know what we've got?

You want to hold that
for a while?

Hold it. Huh?

That's what we've got.

And we've got...

I won this ten years ago.

Hold this.

Come on.
Hold it.

Look at me.

Mm! Come on!

Come on, Josef.

Give me the...

That's it.

Hello.

Gregory,
how are you doing?

Nice to see you.

Hello, Sam,
how are you?

Hi. This is Jen my sister.

Oh, hello.
Hi.

How nice to meet you.
Lovely.

So if you two lovebirds would like to flutter down with me.

Cool.

You two want
to come as well?

Jen's coming as well.

Jen's, Jen's, um, Jen's
really, really interested.

Jen's a professional
choreographer.

Dance choreographer.
A choreo...

She'd like to, she's gonna
be choreographing the show.

Oh, what?

I've got loads of ideas
'cause I've done loads.

I've been, you know,
a dancer for, like, 12 years,

so I've got loads of stuff,
ideas worked out.

Yeah, we're sorry
about the other lady,

but Jen really
wants to do it.

Yeah.

Well, we have the best dance choreographer

in the country.
Do you realize that?

I just explained...
Well, we were just explaining

that, um, I'm actually
a professional dancer...

Oh, really?
...and choreographer,

And, so,
we've kind of come up with a few ideas.

Yeah.

And what we're kind
of thinking is,

we've kind of got it kind of
wrapped up really, you know.

I mean, I can show you
a few of what we've got.

I'm not quite sure what
the ideas are originally.

I'm a bit new to this.

Well, shall I...?
Can you explain what it is?

Yeah.

'Cause I don't know
that it is all wrapped up yet.

It's, it's like the theme
that we've gone after, right,

is kind of '30s and '40s
musicals.

Right. Fred Astaire
and all that.

Exactly, exactly, yeah.
Yeah.

Who's the water woman?

It's sort of like
an Esther Williams style.

Oh, right, yes,
hundreds of girls.

Exactly.
A smaller version of that.

Kind of like
that sort of thing.

It's like, you know,
well, just, might as well.

Jen's, Jen's worked
some moves out.

Right.

What it is like, just say
you've got two rows of girls.

Like Busby Berkeley, they're
all, like, the tinfoil dresses

and then it's like out,
and the next girl out,

and the next girl, out.

And on the other side
simultaneously,

all at the same time,
out, next girl, out,

next girl out.
Jen.

And then Matt and Sam
can sink down and you know,

like the "Dream Ballet"
in Oklahoma,

dream Laurey comes out, me,
same costume, wig, so I'm Sam...

Jen.

You know, it just
gives you an idea.

We do stuff like it on the ships all the time,
you know.

If she'd like to do it,
then that's fine, you know.

You don't need me.

What do you think
about the "Dream Ballet" bit,

because that really works,

'cause Sam, you know,
has physical dyslexia

and she's going
to be all nervous.

What, sorry?

Well, Sam's got
physical dyslexia.

What's that?

Well, she's, like, clumsy.

Clumsy? You mean,
she can't dance?

Well, no, of course
she can dance.

I'm not saying
she can't dance.

We did a lot
of dancing as kids.

I'm not saying she can't dance.
We did competitions.

I think it's great,
I think it's great that we've got Jen here

'cause I'm sure she can play
a really strong role in this,

but I really feel
that we've got Jenny here,

who is an expert in choreography
as opposed to a dancer,

and we should be using her
like we said.

You were an actress.

She's been working on
the cruise ships for years.

Yeah, cruise ships,
exactly.

That's the cruise ships.
So what about all the dances she does?

Right. Who's a professional dancer?
She is.

Right, and this choreographer
is not a professional dancer?

I'm not saying that.
All she wants to do

is help her sister
on her wedding day.

Is something wrong
with that?

No, there's nothing wrong with that.
I don't think so.

But you know, this isn't
just an ordinary wedding.

This is a competition.
We've entered a competition.

We've got to abide by the
rules of the competition.

It's still
her wedding day.

Yeah, and it's my
wedding day as well.

The most important
day of her life.

And it's my
important day as well.

I'm going to be
your sister-in-law.

Have you thought about that?

Jesus, every night.

I know you're stressing
and I know you're tired,

and I know you're getting
up really, you know,

I know you're working
hard and you-you...

and I'm totally amazed.

I'm about to get married.

I'm about to get
married in a competition.

But you're being
so lovely.

You're being so lovely,

and you're really putting
your heart and soul into it.

Yeah, for you.

And I know that,
but they don't know that.

They should know it.

Why don't they know it?

Because they've not met,

you know, they-they-they see it...
They've not met me?

I've lived with your
flippin' mum for nine months.

They will see it.

They will...
Christ.

All I am saying is

that you need to just
go and be a bit...

do a bit of diplomacy.

Yeah, I will, but...

But I love you and
I'm completely with you

and I'm totally...
day by day,

I'm just... amazed at
how wonderful you are,

and, and... I'm so pleased
to be marrying you.

I come down the aisle, you're
waiting at the altar for me...

you know, in your top hat
and tails with Snoopy,

you know, doing, you know, the
sway, whenever I come down...

Yeah.
You know, shuffling

down the aisle or whatever
in time, hopefully.

And then we can meet up
at the altar.

The other question is,
that I'm worried about as well,

is who is going to take me
down there?

What about your dad?

I don't... I...

You know, I'm not sure

if he's gonna be
there to be honest.

I don't, I mean,
at the moment

it doesn't look like he's
going to be there, so...

Why? Well, because,
he's obviously...

I haven't invited him,
Mum hasn't invited him.

You haven't invited him.

Do you not want...?
I'd like him to be there,

but obviously, I'm not
in a position to...

To invite your dad
to your wedding?

I'm not in a position to...

I'm not in a position to...

to do that.

You do want him there,
don't you?

This is more...

Your dad being
at your wedding

is more important than anything
else we're talking about.

Or that your family
being at your wedding

is more important than
getting the song right.

I think your mum is gonna
have to lump it

for four hours of her life.

Feel this bit.

That's it, out.

Run to each other and
around, and turn out.

And back...

Hold his face.

I can hold his head
like that.

Where's the...
Where's Snoopy's bit?

Where's, we haven't done
any of the music.

It's not all... it can't be
this, surely, you know.

Because we've got a thing.
* Da-da... *

Not that.
It's bigger.

* No more pathetic
relationship *

* It makes me sick,
so very sick *

* Your shining eyes
like twisted wire *

* On the cover
of a dirty magazine *

* Mouth full of razor blades *

* Tongue just like
shining steel *

* You're making me ill *

* On the cover
of a dirty magazine... *

Can you believe this?

I can do that bit.
I can do the twiddly bit.

That's...

uh... not good.

But I mean,
I thought that could be the big... Paul...

It's just not...

"Still Ill" it's called.

Steel eel.
Still Ill, steel eel.

But what's it got to do
with the wedding, Snoopy?

What's it got to do with getting married?
Shiny. It's shiny.

Is that what
you think I am?

You think I'm a girl
on the cover

of a porno magazine?

No, it's not saying all that.
With a steel tongue?

Is that what you're
trying to say?

No, I'm not saying that.
I'm saying... uh...

You're saying
it's nomothetic.

Nomothetic.
Yeah, yeah, good idea.

Relationship,
it makes me sick.

So our relationship makes you sick?
No, no.

Well, Snoopy,

if you want to sing that
song at our wedding,

that's what it sounds like.

I'm not, I'm saying, everyone
else's relationships,

normal, nomothetic.
This is...

There is no
nomothetic.

What does "pedantic" mean?

That's the whole thing.
Snoopy...

that's an
interesting question,

but it's not the time to work it out here.
Listen to this.

* You're dragging me down *

* You're making me frown *

* Saw you crying in your sleep *

* Please don't cry *

* What does "pedantic" mean? *

Snoopy...
Yeah, we're going to have...

you can do
the lyrics.

Snoopy has a vital part
to play in this wedding.

There's no doubt about that.

He is Matt's best friend
and he's musically talented

and he's going to be there.

But this is going to be
their dream wedding.

And I'm prepared to kill or maim
for them to have that wedding.

Do you understand?

Do you understand me?

Can I help you come,
my honey?

Oh, yes.
Look at that.

Oh, she's looking a bit
ragged, actually.

Oh, the squirrels
are falling.

Didn't quite make the journey,
but there you go.

And now, which way around?

We're all moving
around now.

It's like Dunsinane,
isn't it? Right.

I like the idea of that.

It's kind of Midsummer
Night's Dream, isn't it?

Yes, that kind of thing--

fairies,
Midsummer Night's Dream.

Uh, they would arrive...

Where's the couple?

Here we are.
I think they're hiding.

They're hiding.
Well, they're not going to be naked.

Well, this is the problem
we're having at the moment.

It's sort of tricky
convincing them, you know.

I'm not interested
in convincing them.

This is what we need
for our readership,

for the front cover.
Yes.

We can't have nude people.

Vivien, it's
fine if they're...

They're not going to
be on the front cover,

because they're not
going to win, are they?

I think we all
know that.

Well, they may do.

I mean, they may do.
This is just...

Well, they may not. I mean,
don't write them off

just because they've
got no clothes on.

What about having
a little...

a bush, if you'll
pardon the language,

a bush area
that covers the...

A bush area?
I had an idea.

How elegant is that
going to be

on the front cover
of the magazine?

Well, if it's sort of...

if the topiary
is done properly,

I think it could be
rather lovely.

Well, they're wearing...

I gave you
an agenda.

The agenda is no nudes.

To begin with
the dance is very formal.

Then...

more country.

Suddenly...

What's that?
Bright lights.

What's that?
A rumble, a rumble

or something.
What's this?

What it is, is the
arrival of your camper van.

And inside, you...

...are the queen of the fairies.

And me, Oberon like,
as the king of the fairies,

emerge from the camper van.

The green man guides
them, comforts them.

And he is, of course,
our green man-slash-registrar.

And you're married.

Well, I just think
that completely sucks.

I mean, that whole
thing is rubbish.

I mean, this is our wedding
we're talking about.

We can't be prancing
around like berks.

We have a... a
little problem here

that I think we ought
to share with you.

That is that our brief,
if you like,

is that your
naturist wedding

must not be naked.

And that's come
right from the top.

I really have to apologize.
I mean,

I chose these people.

And it was,
it was after lunch.

They were the best
of a bad lot.

I had a couple glasses
of wine and I think...

All right, Antoni,
it's all right.

I think I've made
an error of judgment.

Yeah, okay, we just need
to deal with it now.

We just need to get them
in a dress as I understand it.

Yes, we do.
We absolutely do.

Michael, Joanna,
lovely to see you.

Come on in.

This gentleman
is James Thursk.

He's our lawyer, and
he sorts things out.

And I believe we've got
some sorting out to do today.

Yeah.

Well, we've been talking,
we found out the problem is

that we were asked for an idea
for an original wedding,

and our idea was
a naturist wedding.

And we found out recently
that this is going to be

a naturist wedding
featuring no nudity.

Mr. Thursk.

You can't really
have expected

anyone to put naked people

on the cover of a magazine if they would.
No.

I'm not talking about
the cover of a magazine.

I'm talking about
our wedding,

us getting married.
Don't put us on the cover.

And as naturists,
we know that

you can't be
a bit naked.

You're either naked
or you're not naked.

You're not naked now and
you seem comfortable enough.

Is that some kind
of challenge?

No, no.
I don't think...

Antoni.

I don't think...
Michael.

I hardly think...

Clearly, this
is the problem.

I hardly think
it's appropriate.

This isn't going
to help anyone.

You're either naked
or you're not naked.

Come on, stop it
there, please.

Just leave it there.

We're trying to have
a civilized discussion.

I am having
a civilized discussion.

I'm having a civilized
discussion.

What I'm saying is I can still
have a civilized discussion

whether I'm dressed or not.

This is what
he's becoming,

and it's impossible
to live with.

I'm going to stay here
until you write a new contract

that says that we can
have the wedding

that you said
that we could have.

I've got to tell you now

that's just not
going to happen.

That simply isn't
going to happen.

We cannot put out a magazine
with people in it naked.

I'm sorry about that,
but we simply cannot do it.

Okay, well...
That is the end of the subject.

Yeah, I guess that
is the end of it.

What we do is...
I guess that's the end.

Mr. Collier.

Joanna...

maybe if you just
wore a wedding dress.

Look, I'm not even sure
that I want to get married.

This is not what I dreamt of
since I was a little girl.

It is not becoming what
I wanted for a wedding.

He's sleeping in the kitchen
at the moment.

What if you dressed yourself up
to allure him?

I mean, maybe you've
just been naked too much.

I mean, maybe you've just become
immune to each other

because being
so naked the whole time,

you've got used
to your bodies.

There's no sort of magic.
James?

There's something
very romantic

about a wedding dress.

Well, if I can just start
by simply explaining

why we're here,
what it's all about.

We're here today
to talk about

what it means to actually
be getting married.

There's not really much
to talk about.

I mean, you know,
I felt that

what we were going to do
was have a naturist wedding,

and that, that would involve
people acting like naturists

aka being naked.

It's a.k.a. not aka.

And apparently, you know, not
everybody feels the same way,

including the person
I was hoping to marry.

I have expressed a,
not just a made-up problem,

but a real issue with me,
is that suddenly being naked

in front of non-naturists
is not that easy.

I keep telling you
nobody is going to laugh.

Your body is the most
eloquent expression

of how beautiful you are.

Please get it into your thick
head how much I respect you.

Well, if you can just
take "thick" out for a moment,

there were some
very nice words there.

Right.

You can always pop one out
and put another one back.

Let's take "thick" out then.

Let's take "thick" out.

Good, good.

Could you...

Could you... are you ready
to shuffle up a bit, yet...

on the... settee?

Well done. Lovely.

Okay.

* I was walking along
minding my business *

* When out
of an orange-colored sky *

* Flash, bam, alakazam *

* Wonderful you came by *

* I was humming a tune
drinking in sunshine *

* When out
of an orange-colored view *

* Flash, bam, alakazam *

* I got a look at you *

* One look
and I yelled "timber" *

* Watch out for flying glass *

* The ceiling fell in
and the bottom fell out *

* I went into a spin *

* And I started to shout
"I been hit" *

* This is it, this is it,
I've been hit *

* I was walking along
minding my business *

* And love came and hit me
in the eye *

* Flash, bam, alakazam *

* Out of an
orange-colored sky. *

The wedding planners are not
giving us the same service

that they are getting.

They are getting
a choreographer.

We've been told we're not
allowed a choreographer.

Next?

Next point, they...

well, she had a makeover
at the wedding fair,

before we made a fuss and I got Isabelle to have one.
Yeah.

Yes, you did make a fuss.

They are getting resources
that we are not getting.

They're getting all the...
Is it rigged?

Is that what it's about?

Oh, please.

Is it rigged?
I mean...

Just tell us, because we...

Absolutely not.
I mean, I'm...

Well, it doesn't seem like
that from where we're sitting.

I'm the chair
of the judging panel--

I've got the casting vote.

It will not be fixed.

You have the casting vote?

Yes.

So what do you... what do you,
what are you looking for?

So, Isabelle, let's have
a look at your nose.

Okay, should I...

Yes, please, can you
look in the mirror?

Okay...
- I love that nose.

So what I see in your nose,
they took the dorsum here,

the bridge is a little bit
too wide and too flat, okay?

The nose is a little
bit too short

and is pointing up too much.

And, uh, when I look at you,
I see inside your nostrils.

And I personally
don't like that.

Okay.

* I've played tennis all over *

* From Florida
to Bosnia Herzegovina... *

I'll have to check what
that country is called.

I don't think
it's called that.

* But I've never met a girl
as beautiful as Isabelle *

* More beautiful
than Maria Sharapova *

* Felt like I was being torn
apart by the hounds of hell *

* The day I fell in love
with my Isabelle *

* Isabelle. *

That's all really that I've got
at the moment.

I think that's beautiful.

Here we go.

So, voilà.

That's your basic set
as it were.

Your wedding area...
Dark, isn't it?

Well, it'll be lit, obviously,
it's not just this dark.

And here it's peopled with as
you described to us before,

about maybe a little

canopy of people.

I don't know what
you think. There'll be...

It just looks so dark to me.
I don't like it.

If it's all going
to be black...

Yes, but what I'm saying is
that it will be lit.

For a wedding you don't want black walls and a black floor.
No, these are star lights.

No.

These are star lights.
Little stars.

I don't care.

That's a black floor and it's
not right for a wedding.

That's my opinion, anyway.
Agreed.

It makes it easier for you
to stand out in whatever,

you know, in white
or what I thought

particularly was
using a color.

I just don't like the sounds
of it, I'm sorry.

Well, go on, carry on,
but I don't like it. Cheers, carry on.

I don't like the sound of it at all.
Matt?

A few flowers or something
to cheer it up.

Flowers?

Flowers don't exist in this concept.
In this theme.

Busby Berkeley was not
full of flowers.

It's about angles,
geometrics, art deco,

shaped bodies...
She's nodding, she knows.

What about the lights?
What are the lights for?

The great thing about
spotlights in black

is that we'll just see you.
We won't see the people

sort of hanging around.

Oh, what's the point in having
people hanging around then?

Shut the fuck up!

Seriously, shut
the fuck up, all right?

Matt, excuse me.
Excuse me.

Excuse? Excuse nothing.

I don't want language
like that.

No, we had this
out yesterday.

You, shut up.
I beg your pardon.

Goodness me.
Who the hell do you think you are?

We're losing the
wedding planners now.

We're losing
the wedding planners.

It's all gone pear shaped.

It's not all gone pear shaped,
you put it pear shaped.

Your fault, not mine.
You put it pear shaped!

Not Sam's, not Jen's.

You shouted as though
you're on a barrel in a market.

If you want to come and see us,
you two are getting married,

but we don't need to deal with
your sister and your mother,

because it is not their wedding.
So we won't do it.

You need to sort
your sister out.

You need to sort her out.
You don't have to be so rude.

Can you leave my house, please?
It would be an absolute joy.

Sort her out?

Because, quite frankly, this
green is giving me a headache.

Oh, speaking of headaches,
here she comes.

Come on.
Get out of my house.

Oh, my goodness,
I tell you what. I've had it.

Enough, I've had enough.

Take care, take care.
Thank you very much.

You need that house.
You need that house.

I don't want to talk to her again.
Do you understand me?

That makes two of us.

Thanks for coming over.

Have a safe journey.

Well, that was a fucking
waste of time, wasn't it?

I tell you what, you might as
well pack your bags and go.

You really upset
me this time,

I tell you what.

You won't... you won't apologize
and repair it this time.

Bugger off.

Matt's gone, right?
He's gone out.

I don't know where he is.

He could be lying on
a park bench somewhere,

and he's gone because of you.

Because of the way you behaved
yesterday.

Don't say you're
worried about him,

not after the way
he behaved in here.

Shouting at your sister,

shouting at me,
shouting in front of you.

Language like that? No.

He's shouting because he can't
stand it anymore.

And I can't stand it anymore.

Stand what anymore, Sam?
Stand people helping you?

Me and Mum trying to help?

Me coming back from the cruise

saying, "Oh, I'll do the
choreography, I'll help out,

I'll be in, like, a
dream ballet sequence."

Oh, I was so pleased
when I heard

you were coming back
from the cruise.

I was so excited
to see you.

And then you come back and you
just try and take over.

It's like you don't trust
that I can do it on my own.

I've had to sit there
and watch you and clap you

with half a flamingo
coming out of your head.

"Look at Jen, look at Jen."
And it's my turn now.

I want to have a chance.
I want to have a chance.

I want it to be me and Matt.
Me and Matt getting married,

loving each other,
getting married in that spotlight.

Give me one day, just one chance
to have my day, my wedding day

and I want you to be there
loving me and supporting me.

Not making me feel
like some idiot.

Hello.

* I love dancing *

Morning, Matthew.
* Crazy romancing... *

Hello.

Cheers. It's lovely.

* Marriage is for old folks *

* Old folks, not for me *

* One husband, one wife *

* What do you got *

* Two people
sentenced for life. *

You're not the first person
seen up here before a wedding--

freaking out.

No?
No.

You've just got to accept the
fact that it's a stressful time,

and take some time out

and look after yourself
and look after her

and don't get so wound
up with it all.

You need a bit of me time.
It's what you need.

It's very difficult,
it's so much pressure,

particularly with this.

What is that?

Jesus Christ.

What are you...
What are you doing?

Stop it.

* I love you... *

It's Julie Andrews.

Fly, my Romeo, fly.

Oh!
* True love, true love... *

He's coming down,
he's coming down.

Archie, look.
The lovebirds.

That's beautiful.

* True love, true love. *

Oh, Archie.

* Summer breeze
and blue, blue sky *

* Memories
of that beautiful delight *

* Driving madly in the sun *

* Playing games and having
fun together, smiling... *

Just put something on, please.

Joanna, I'm not going
to get dressed

just because your mother
is coming, all right?

I'll have to take
her somewhere else then.

It's our hotel room.

When I go
to her house,

then I'll put
some clothes on.

Dubsy, darling.

How are you, sweetheart?

Good, thank you.
Good.

How are you?
I'm fine.

What have they done to you then?

Where have they put you here?

Oh, it's quite nice.

It is nice.

Sweetheart,
you're looking thinner.

Thank you.

Well done! That's excellent.

Right.

I've had a long day,
so it's lovely to be here.

There you are, sweetie.

Hello.
Oh, hello.

Mrs. Roberts... Well, I suppose
now I should call you Mom,

really, shouldn't I?

Pleasant trip?

Oh, my God.

Look at them.

That's ridiculous.

Don't say that.

That is absolutely
ridiculous.

Here, move over.

I'm almost on
these chairs here.

You ready, Mum?

See? I don't know
where Matt's coming from.

Is that him? Is that us,
Jenny? Is this us?

Five, six, seven,
eight, go.

Go!

Lower the arm.

Oh, my God.

What's he doing here?

Oh, no. I don't
believe it.

How come he
knew about it?

Who's been
talking to him?

That's what
I want to know.

Well, Matt obviously
knew about it.

I could have
been warned.

I could have been warned.

You all right?

Don't get upset, Mum.
Don't get upset.

'Cause then it's like
he's winning.

You all right,
Dave?

You never said.

I wasn't sure if he
was gonna come,

but I'm really
glad he's here.

Shall we get on?

Well, it would
have been nice

if you could
have told me

that your dad was
gonna be here.

Sorry.

Is he gonna
be dancing?

Yeah.
No.

Five, six, seven, eight.

Up, down, up, down.

Up, two, three.

Go!

One, two, three, four.

And run. Good.
Very good. Perfect.

Five, six, seven, eight.

One, two, three, four,
five, six, seven, eight. Kick!

I'm sorry, but...

Keep going!
Keep going!

He's too close to me.

Up, two, three, four.
And up.

For God's sakes, Dave.

Do me a favor?

I'm trying my best.

How can anyone
be so insensitive?

I'm standing here
next to you.

Punched me in
the back of the head.

I'm not Fred Astaire.

Pushing me like that.

I'm not Ginger Rogers,
you know?

And if you're not pushing me,
I can feel the...

You're making me
lose me balance.

Chris, there's only
a little bit of room

we've all got, darling.

We're all gonna
have to try...

What I'm saying is...

Yeah, yeah, I know, I know.

He's standing
right next to me.

Bish, bash, bosh, bish!

It's very hard.
It's very hard.

Making me wobble over.
I'm doing me best.

All of us, all right?
We've all got to try.

If you were a bit more sensitive
to what was happening...

And...

Hi!
Hi, guys.

What happened?

What do you mean?

What's happened to your face?

The nose job.
Nose job.

This is just
protecting it.

But it's next week.

How long's that on for?
It's gonna be fine.

Don't worry about her nose.

We're worried
about the time.

That's not what
we're worried about.

We're not worried
about this anymore.

I'm only worried
about it

because I had to pay
for it myself.

Right.
Cliff Richards?

Very possibly.

What do you mean, possibly?
Yes or no?

Well, he's out
of the country,

but he said that,
if he can get back, he will.

And, if not, he's got
somebody else he'll send,

who, apparently,
is more like him than he is. So that's...

Big ball? The big ball?

We've got you a big ball.
We've got the big ball.

The big ball?
Where is it?

It's arriving on the day.

On the day?

It's 1,000
pounds a day.

How many... how many...
how many ball boys?

Six.
Or possibly even eight.

Choreographer?

We're still... We're
still talking to her.

We're still talking to her.

It's just that we've got
so many things to do.

We've got so
many weddings...

If we can get
a shape, right?

Because we haven't
really got the budget

to get a choreographer in
to do the whole thing,

but if we can get...
Listen to me.

If we can get a shape to it,
on the day,

we can get her in,
hopefully.

We're talking to her.

She's doing it.
We can get her in,

and she can tidy it up
at the end.

Right, but
she's very busy

with the 42 dancers
in the other wedding.

It's just that
she is the choreographer,

and the choreographer
is used to create...

Choreograph.

Dance. Dance pieces.

And provide ideas.
Yes, but, but...

Provide ideas.
No, no, no.

That's what couples do
who want to get married.

We have given
our ideas!

Where have
your ideas been?

We gave you...
We gave you...

We wanted dancer ball boys,

we wanted you
to arrive in a net,

we wanted you to look beautiful
in Edwardian clothes,

and everything
was thrown out.

No, you didn't. What ideas?
When? When? When?

You never said
anything about...

We came to you at your club
and said,

"Entrance of
a lot of ball boys

to prepare
your arena for you."

It's not our fault
that you don't

have enough friends
to bring along

who can do these
things for you.

Fuck you!

Oh, no, please,
Isabelle, please.

No. We have friends.

Well, where are they?

Fuck off about the friends!

It's not about friends.

Of course it is.

On the day,
we need people.

They can't make it!

Her family are from Canada.

Do you know
how far away that is?

We can't afford
to fly them over.

We can't afford it
because we've had to spend

all our money
on her... nose.

Thanks very much.

Oh, Arch, come on.
Don't be silly.

Come on.
Don't be silly.

I'm sorry.
Oh, come on.

It's not
your fault.

I hate being shouted at.

Silly sausage.

Silly sausage,
it's not your fault.

They'll come back.

Come on, my big bag.

Don't be silly.
Come on. Don't be silly.

* The rest of your life... *

Oh, they're
coming back.

Don't let them see
you like this.

Don't let them
see you like this.

Oh, why not?

They just think
I'm a stupid poof anyway.

Don't be stupid.

I'm the poof. You're
the straight man.

Don't be silly.

I'm sorry.
It's okay now.

I just wonder how long before
she gets sick of me really.

Before she, uh...

you know, especially if we don't
win the competition,

I've got nothing
to offer her really.

I'm at the end
of my tennis career,

and I've got no money.

Okay.

And I don't know whether,

you know, whether
in a year's time,

she'll still want to be married,

you know, if I'm...

if I haven't provided
anything good for her,

or, you know, if I'm not winning
any tennis matches.

They're under huge pressure,
these, you know, these people,

to-to sort of have
the perfect wedding,

and they... and...

So it's natural that
they should take that out

on us a bit,
I suppose, really.

That's, you know...

If you don't like it,

then we wouldn't be doing it,
would we?

You're tired, aren't you?

Sorry?

You're just tired.

We're just tired.

No, I'm not tired.
Really I'm fine.

Tell Mr. Izetski to ring me.
I won't ring again, and he...

The wedding's really soon.

He wanted to come.

Okay?

Josef Warrell.

You have my number.

Thank you.

Do you like it?

Yeah.

You don't.
I do.

Why are you crying?

Don't cry, don't cry.

It's good?

No, I do like
it. Don't cry.

It's okay.

I like it,
I love it.

You do?

Yeah. It's just a
bit of a shock.

Do you want to see it
from the side?

Okay.
Okay.

You look gorgeous.

Gorgeous.

You all right?

Yeah, I'm
tremendous.

Terribly exciting,
isn't it?

How can that nose go
on a front cover?

Well, I... I didn't say
it specifically,

but I implied,
change it for the better.

Well, it wasn't for
the better, was it?

It's ever so subtle.
I know, I know.

It's fucking out here.

I know. It looks like it
broke and then they reset it.

Is that the mother
over that way?

She's not going
to be naked, is she?

No.

No one wants
to see that.

Who's that?

That's the sister.

Sister of who?

Really?
Yes.

Are you insisting that
they wear clothes now?

I think it would be better. I too.
I couldn't agree with you more.

Now look, let's stop this
silly stuff, shall we?

Oh, a woman of my own heart.
Let's just stop it.

Oh, thanks.

Oh, just, you're looking at
the view. I've heard that one.

Yeah, went up to
see the view.

I wasn't born yesterday.
Mum.

Well, I'm just I
can assure you...

Jen. Do you think Jen would be
that cheap to go upstairs

with a stranger
and have sex?

Mum, excuse me,
we're going up there talking.

I'm saying that
I'm defending her.

I mean, she's a... This
is my little girl, here...

And I can assure you, sir,
that-that nothing...

Vivien?
Vivien?

Uh, so, uh, here's
to a wonderful day.

Here's to Confetti.

Hear, hear.

Oh, look, look.

Somebody set this
right-handed.

Okay, but it's good, it's good.

It's lovely,
it's lovely.

It's just detail,
it's just detail.

Start getting ready now.

I'm getting ready, love.
All right.

We have... Getting ready.
Look up. What's this?

Oh, they need to come out,
you need to be...

They need to come out.
Go see Marella. Go see Marella now.

Is everybody all right?
You all right?

Yeah, yeah. But, pet,
you're a bit short of numbers here.

I think there are a few people
that have disappeared?

Oh, they've just gone to the
loo, yeah. They had to go.

Please, please, just make
the loo run and nothing else.

All right.
All right?

You look absolutely fabulous,
all of you. Yes.

You look smashing, too.
All the best...

So do you.
Thank you.

Thank you very much.

Can't say I hope you
win, 'cause I don't.

I don't want you to win,
but anyway, good luck with it.

Hope it goes well.
Yeah, I hope yours goes well, I really do.

Yeah, thanks.
Is everything all right?

Fingers crossed.
There's no panic in the camp?

No, it's lovely.
Is it?

I don't... I'm really worried about it.
What is it?

I just don't know
if I can do it,

'cause, I mean,
I feel really...

Hey, hey, hey.
No, no, no. No.

Oh, just 'cause
of the singing and stuff.

Sam-Sam, be fine,
darling.

Sam, listen to me,
listen to me. Breathe.

Your singing...

I'm going to be sick,
I'm going to be sick.

I'm going to be sick.
Sam, do you want me to come?

Look, I'm going to be sick.
Sam?

Keep her hair away from her face if she's sick.
Okay.

Otherwise, you get sick
on the hair.

If it's something different,

if it's something
that you'd like,

and you think, "Well, this is...

"this is something new.

I haven't seen this before."--
now that's,

that's regardless of whether
you like it or not.

If you hate it,
step back and say,

"Well, that was original,
but I didn't like it." Yeah.

Just popped by to say,
on behalf of Confetti Magazine,

the best wishes, all right?

Thanks.
Thank you.

And I think you've got a very,
very strong chance.

All right?
Right.

Thank you
very much...

Smashing, yeah.

Yeah, if, um...

Yes, if-if
you keep your clothes on.

See you later.

What I'm about to say
now is not meant

as a criticism,
I swear to you,

but, you know, you're
sort of painted brown,

and some of the...

It's just like it...

There's a line,
and I don't know if you...

If you noticed it
and you wanted to change it...

Maybe you didn't notice it.

But I know you're
a perfectionist,

and I-I would have thought
you might want to change it--

'cause you're a perfectionist,
you know what I mean?

What do you mean?
And you want to look

as good as you can look.

Yeah, I know, a
fake tan's in.

I've just outdone it.

I know, but that
looks a bit lighter.

Yeah, but you don't get
brown palms when you sunbathe.

You don't sunbathe
like that, do you?

You don't, but also,
not everyone looks like Biffo the Bear,

'cause, I mean, there's a sort
of brown and there's a-- huh?

We have to win.

We have
to win.

So we will win.
We will win.

Come on, Josef.

Come on.

Do you want to
go through it?

All right.

What if we lose?

We're not
gonna lose!

Why?
We're not going to lose!

How do we know?
Because we're winners!

We are winners!

We are gonna
win this.

They'll kill
us out there.

Right. Well,

I'm sure you'll
all agree with me

when I say marriage
is about commitment,

and we at Confetti Magazine

are committed to pushing
the envelope in weddings.

Today is about doing new
and exciting weddings,

things that maybe
you haven't seen before.

Now, I know the couples
are backstage now.

I know you can hear me.

Do remember,
the work is over now.

Everything is prepared.

So just relax,

take a breath and get ready
to enjoy yourselves.

Let's move on
to our first wedding.

I think, I think it's taking
place over here.

You can probably guess
what the theme is.

Ladies and gentlemen, Confetti
gives you Josef and Isabelle.

Welcome to Wimbledon

on this absolutely glorious
summer's day.

There's a palpable
sense of excitement

here amongst this full house.

A real buzz around center court.

This really does promise to be
the most wonderful occasion.

And here they are!

Here they come!

* What a day this has been *

* What a rare mood I'm in *

* Why it's almost
like being in love *

* And there's this smile
on my face *

* For the whole human race *

* Why, it's almost
like being in love *

* And all the music
of life seems to be *

* Like a bell
that is ringing for me... *

Who will call?
I will.

Heads.

Sorry, it's tails.

I'll serve.

Josef Cecil Warrell has won
the toss and elected to serve.

Quiet, please.

And play.

I, Josef Cecil Warrell,
know of no legal reason

why I may not be married
to Isabelle Francis Fontaine.

15-love.

I, Isabelle Francis Fontaine,
know of no legal reason

why I cannot be married
to Josef Cecil Warrell.

15 all.

I, Josef Cecil Warrell,
take you,

Isabelle Francis Fontaine,
to be my lawfully wedded wife.

30-15.

I, Isabelle Francis Fontaine,
take you, Josef Cecil Warrell,

to my lawful, legal husband.

30 all.

New balls, please.

* Love is in the air *

* In the whisper
of the trees... *

Isabelle.

I've never won a tournament,
but I don't care,

because I've won you.

40-30.

I know it's not
been possible

to have any friends
or family here today,

but that doesn't matter
because you're here,

and that's all I'll
need now and forever.

Deuce.

Isabelle,

I can't promise
I'll never be jealous again.

I can promise that
I'll look after you

and love you till the day I die.

* Love is in the air *

* Love is in the air... *

Josef Cecil Warrell,
Isabelle Francis Fontaine

it gives me great pleasure
to pronounce you...

Well, what a shame...

The covers are going on.

Looks like a passing shower,

so hopefully it will not...

What's this?

Someone's standing up.

It's Cliff Richards!

Oh, my goodness.

He's going to sing!

What a privilege to be here.

* I've got myself
a cryin', talkin' *

* Sleepin', walkin',
livin' doll *

* I've got to do my best
to please her *

* Just 'cause she's
my livin' doll *

* I've got a roving eye
yeah, that is why *

* She satisfies my soul *

* I've got my one and only *

* Walkin' talkin', living doll *

* Love is in the air *

* Love is in the air *

* Oh, whoa... *

Game, set and match.

* Love is in the air. *

You could try
a bit harder.

I am trying, but this isn't
what we wanted to do, is it?

I've had everybody telling
us what we have to do.

Sticking stuff on us.

I've got leaves
stuck in places

I didn't know existed.

Yeah, well, how
do you think I feel?

That's what
they've done to me.

Right, well,
ladies and gentlemen,

as if that wasn't
a treat enough,

and I think it really was,
we got three weddings

to get through,
and I can scarcely believe it,

we're, we're on to our second.

This one's very interesting.

Um... I love it.
I love the concept.

I've not seen anything yet,
but I love the idea.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Michael and Joanna.

* I lay before you
all I have to offer *

* King of my heart *

* I need to know you,
and I need to love you *

* Oh, king of my heart *

* And you're king...
and you're king *

* And you're king
and you're king *

* So I'm queen
when you're king in my heart *

* And it's love,
and it's love *

* That I lay at your feet,
at your feet *

* King of my heart *

* I love you,
king of my heart *

* How I love you,
king of my heart. *

Oh, tops.

I vow to never make you

cover up for shame
or fear or duty.

You'll never need
to shed your clothes

for me to see
your beauty.

I won't ignore
our differences

but let them
just connect.

One word for that
is "compromise."

The better one's "respect."

They drove you mad,
but do not fear,

for now you
have a wife.

Your husband's here,
screw them, my dear,

their wedding,
but-- our life.

For you join the dots
between the stars,

like a pan of Heaven's manna,

you make two houses into one,
you join me up, Joanna.

You're like
an angel overhead,

but with me
on a cycle.

Come live with me
and be my love,

my Gabriel, my Michael.

Ladies and gentlemen,
now that Michael and Joanna

have exchanged head rings

and promised themselves
to each other,

the solemn moment has come
for the couple

to make their marriage contract.

If you'd please all stand.

I call upon
these persons here present

to witness that I, Michael
Gabriel Collier...

I call upon these
persons here present

to witness that I,
Michael Gabriel Collier

do take thee,
Joanna Martha Roberts,

to be my lawful
wedded wife.

I call upon these
persons here present

to witness that I,
Joanna Martha Roberts,

do take thee,
Michael Gabriel Collier,

to be my lawful
wedded husband.

It gives me great pleasure

to pronounce you man and wife.

You may kiss the bride.

Woo-hoo!

Well, ladies and gentlemen,
that was

Michael and Joanna,
and I think we can all, uh...

Well, let's all
raise our glasses to them,

the happy couple,

Michael and Joanna.

What a wonderful,
wonderful thing. Whoo!

Listen, everyone, we're not
going to worry about the steps,

we're not going to worry
about the tune.

We're just gonna have fun,
all right?

We're just gonna,
you know,

none of us are singers,
none of us are dancers.

Well, I am.
Sorry, you are.

I'm nervous of
forgetting that bit.

That's the bit.
But you know what,

you know what,
it doesn't matter.

When we went through it
before, I got it all wrong.

And for all I know,
I'll let you down. No, no, Mom.

Don't worry.
Girls, girls.

This is stage fright.

I've seen it a thousand times.

I don't want to let you
down, darling, that's it.

Calm, deep breaths.

This is going to be
something fabulous.

We're going to do a wonderful show.
Yeah.

For once in your life, Jen,
I think you're right.

Ladies and gentlemen,
I want you to give

the warm reception
you gave the other two

to our final couple.

It is Matt and Sam.

All right! Yeah!

I love you.

Love you, too.

All right.

* A beautiful girl
makes the world *

* A beautiful place *

* Nothing compares
to her adultly style *

* And grace *

* Her smile *

* Lights up a room *

* Her voice is a lovely tune *

* The way she walks *

* Her hair, her eyes *

* And her fabulous face *

* Yes, a beautiful girl *

* Makes the world *

* A beautiful place... *

Hi, you two.

Matthew Norris,

Samantha Winston,
marriage, according

to the law of this
country is the union

of one man and one woman,

voluntarily entered into
for life

to the exclusion of all others.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,

Matthew and Samantha are going

to make their marriage vows
through the medium of song.

* I promise to love you *

* I promise to care for you *

* I promise to always
make you laugh *

* I give you my love
always *

* To have and to hold
always *

* Our life to unfold *

* As man and wife *

* Always *

* Always *

* I give you my love *
* I promise *

* For always *
* To love you *

* To have and to hold *
* I promise to care *

* For you *
* For always *

* Our life to unfold as man and wife * * I promise to make you laugh *

* Always *

* Always *

* I do *

* Me, too. *

Once again,
to each of the couples,

thank you so much
for sharing this day with us.

It's been so wonderful for us.

It's been really good of you
to open up your...

your most precious day
to our magazine Confetti.

Thank you so much.

Smile, look
as if we're winners.

They're not gonna
give it to us

if we look like we're losers.

Right.

First off, let's go through
couple by couple.

Couple by couple.

The judge in the green suit
seems to be a fan.

He was lovely, wasn't he?

He kept saying well done.
Ah.

Just want to say
congratulations.

Thank you.
Thanks very much.

Good luck anyway.
Thank you.

Congratulations.

Bye.

Have a drink later.
Yeah.

They are so two-faced.

Well, it's the innovation,

that was pretty initiative, wasn't it?
Let's all put down a score...

Well, it was original enough.

In that you wouldn't
do it again.

You look so beautiful.

So do you.

You've got a great body.

Thanks so much.

I had to tell him to stop
looking at your bum.

They know they won
that's why they came over.

No, they don't know they won.
Yes, they do.

They have not won.
They have not necessarily won.

We can still win,
for God's sake.

Ladies and gentlemen,
if I could have your attention, please.

The judging panel have
reached a verdict

and Vivien, the
editor of the magazine,

has the golden envelope.

And, uh, I think it
would be churlish

not to let her do the honor.

She's done so much
of the work for this,

so, Vivien,
over to you.

Okay.

And the winner is...

Yes!

Matt and Sam.

Wonderful! Wonderful!

Fix! It's a fix.

No, not really the time.

It's a fix.

Josef, it is not
the time.

Don't be a bad loser.

Don't be a bad loser.
It's a fix!

It's not one of your tennis matches.
Donkey!

It was a fair and
square competition

run by Confetti Magazine.

I object to that in the
strongest possible terms.

Please, let Matt and Sam
have their moment.

Matt and Sam, round of applause
for Matt and Sam.

Matt and Sam.

Now I've got the key,
I've got the key

to a half a million
pound house

for Matt and Sam,
our winners!

Winning fair and square.

* Heaven *

* I'm in heaven *

* And my heart beats so
that I can hardly speak *

* And I seem to find
the happiness I seek *

* When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek *

* Heaven *

* I'm in heaven *

* And the cares that hung
around me through the week *

* Seem to vanish
like a gambler's lucky streak *

* When we're out together
dancing cheek to cheek *

* Oh, I'd love to climb
a mountain *

* And to reach
the highest peak *

* But it doesn't thrill me
half as much *

* As dancing
cheek to cheek... *

Since that competition,
I've trusted my intuition,

I've trusted in my dreams,

because you have an idea like
that, and you run with it,

and it's that big a success.

And you think, well, just trust
in yourself and go for it.

So what I've done is I've taken
some of the profit

from that competition,
the success of it,

and, uh, I've invested it
in music.

Not just a couple of CDs.

I bought a record label,
and, you know, doing some A&R.

* One looks for happiness *

* One longs to find a partner *

* One knows that nowadays *

* One love will be
the answer... *

Oh, please, God, you know,

the deeds are going
to come through soon.

They've told us,
haven't they, not to worry.

They've told us it's all
all right, it's all okay.

But of course you never
actually can believe it

until you're there in your new home.
Yeah.

So, you know, we're keeping
our fingers crossed.

Yeah.

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one *
* Only one *

* One love *
* One love... *

I would say to anyone
thinking of getting married,

do it if you are doing it

for the reason that you
just love the other person.

* One love *

* While we're still living. *

I went in to a bit of a decline after the weddings.

Post-nuptial depression.

Didn't get out of bed
for four weeks.

It hit him pretty hard.
Yeah, very hard.

But we're over that.

I'm coaching now.

He's fantastic.

Watching him with children.

The forehand is this,
there, there, there.

Got it? Right. Go away.

And now we're thinking about
having one of our own.

Yeah. Who knows what...

nose they'll get.

* One nose *
* One nose *

* And only one *
* Only one *

* One nose *
* One nose *

* And no misgivings *

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love... *

Mainly, we just sort of found
out that the only people

we really need to be naked
in front of is each other.

I mean,
we don't really call ourselves naturists anymore. No.

We call ourselves...

Well, I call myself Michael.
And I'm Joanna.

And, yeah, that seems
to work better.

Better, I think.

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living... *

Um...

You can't do this,
are you?

Are you doing,
are you really doing this?

Shh, be quiet.

This is my bit.

Gregory Hough...

Um, I...

Will you marry me?

Is that the
right hand?

It's actually...

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living... *

One love.

Peace.

Don't stand around on the edges
of other people's weddings,

crying at pretty
brides and thinking,

"Oh, wouldn't it
be nice if..."

You see what you
want, go and get it.

So that's what
we're doing,

and that's what
you should do.

Heron and Hough...

Your dreams are enough.

* And only one *
* Only one *

* One love *
* One love *

* With no misgivings *

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living... *

You were great.

You were.

* One looks for happiness *

* One longs to find a partner *

* One knows that nowadays *

* One love will be the answer *

* One sees a crazy world *

* One needs
a fresh perspective *

* One comes to realize *

* One love's a true objective *

* One seeks a perfect love *

* One learns
to tell the difference *

* One finds in consequence *

* One love is all
that makes sense *

* One hopes there'll be a way *

* One peers into the distance *

* One thinks
that come what may *

* One love will be
the best chance *

* One love *
* One love *

* And only one *
* Only one *

* One love *
* One love *

* To last forever *

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* It's now or never *

* One tries to draw a line *

* One draws a swift conclusion *

* One tells oneself in life *

* One love is the solution *

* One falls in love at last *

* One celebrates the meeting *

* One always will because *

* One love cannot be beaten *

* One love *
* One love *

* And only one *
* Only one *

* One love *
* One love *

* With no misgivings *

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living *

* One tries to draw a line *

* One draws a swift conclusion *

* One tells oneself in life *

* One love is the solution *

* One falls in love at last *

* One celebrates the meeting *

* One always will because *

* One love cannot be beaten *

* One love *
* One love *

* And only one *
* Only one *

* One love *
* One love *

* To last forever *

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* It's now or never *

* One love *
* One love *

* And only one *
* Only one *

* One love *
* One love *

* With no misgivings *

* One love *
* One love *

* Only one love *
* One love *

* One love *

* While we're still living. *