Comme un air d'autoroute (2012) - full transcript
I PROMISE, I'LL BE BACK
Peter...
TOMATO SOUP
PETER, SEVEN YEARS OLD
Bye!
What are you doing here?
This area is closed!
No, it's never closed! I live here.
Why have I never seen you before?
I'm Francette,
I've just been hired.
Don't worry, it's great here!
Come here so I can clean you up.
ASPHALT IS IN THE AIR
PETER, 30 YEARS OLD
Free as the air
Never on the road
Summer as in winter,
I see love and petrol stains
Welcome to my service station!
SERVICE STATION LIFEGUARD
A sandwich
A packet of crisps crisps crisps
Crisps crisps crisps
A naughty magazine
And some red lipstick
A coffee
A quick stop to pee pee pee
Pee pee pee pee
Oh! Look how it shines!
Free as the air
Sedentary traveller
At my service station
Super or ordinary
What was the task I set you all?
What do you call this?
A monopoly?
The only monopoly is a perfect one!
Your mistake was thinking
this was the natural order.
When I do business,
I seek to return the natural order.
What was your offer?
10 million.
He's a high-flying monkey.
That's how nature is,
the predator adjust its skills
to the resistance of its prey.
Still, 10 million is a lot...
Alright then.
Take note, gentlemen.
If this primate is indifferent
to absolute truth,
money,
let's give him
the ultimate illusion.
Love.
I present to you, Nadia Petrova.
This maniac is so witless,
she'll do whatever I say.
Bravo!
Nature has given man
the power to negotiate,
but only to few,
the genius to use it properly.
Business is a science.
Galileo, my grandfather,
Newton, my father,
- And I, Einstein...
- Sorry I'm late, Daddy.
But to have been late,
you need to have been invited.
I've just finished
my new buyback strategy:
- The "Lander Stroogel".
- The what?
The "Lander Struggle"...
I can't pronounce it yet,
but it's really imaginative!
I need to show you it.
I did pictures and everything!
No, Marie...
I said I don't need a negotiator!
- Get out.
- At least let me try!
I've only just finished it!
This is revolutionary!
I can't be an intern all my life,
it's already been two years!
4000 euros pocket money
for an internship,
who's complaining?
Who's that?
She's a negotiator...
But you don't need one!
This one is special...
I'm special too! I'm your daughter!
Aimé,
are your parents good-looking?
- Yes, sir.
- See, Marie?
The best genes
sometimes skip a generation.
Thanks, Aimé.
Maybe your son
will have business sense,
given that you find a man
who is both oblivious
and worthy of me.
Gentlemen, I'd like to end
with an American technique
used to lower stress
and get rid of anger,
all our negative emotions.
It's very easy,
you just use your hands
to chase away the bad feelings,
saying:
"Get away, get away."
Go on.
You can do better! Louder!
Terrible!
It's like you have no anxiety
to get rid of!
My bad,
I forgot the most important part.
You're all fired.
John, make ready the town car,
we're going on a stakeout.
Very well, Mr Degrand.
- We're moving to the Caribbean.
- Oh, really?
You'll never get
to have coffee at our place!
- It's not that far.
- True.
I also wouldn't get
to invite you over as often.
You're not wrong there.
I'll never visit.
You sold out to Degrand!
He gave us two million euros!
- Two million!
- That's great!
It's only us left.
Yes!
But the important thing
is to push up the price.
Once, twice,
three times!
- That's how you do it!
- He's always had business smarts!
But we won't sell,
it's not about the price.
Peter's just refused...
- How much did you refuse, Peter?
- 10 million.
10 mil... 10 mil...
- That's huge!
- It's not bad.
I knew
we should have kept negotiating!
Here's some advice, take the money.
Sooner or later,
he'll get this place.
- Come on, we'll miss the plane!
- Coming, dear.
Good luck, keep up the good work.
- Thanks, safe travels!
- Liliane! Calm down!
And our service station
was twice as big as theirs!
You're a real idiot!
Don't worry,
you can't buy paradise.
- Well...
- But you don't get it, Peter.
These people
are capable of anything.
So am I! Look at that loop-di-loop!
Peter!
I almost hit that bird.
Did you see?
THALASSAUTO
MUD BATH, WASH, DRYING
UV, POLISH, CUCUMBER TREATMENT
"Please collect your vehicle."
What the hell have they done?
This is an outrage! My car!
You know, we don't just offer
car washes here.
This is a proper "Thalassauto".
- See?
- Yeah, but my car!
But the mud bath is very important!
Especially after the UV wash!
Our special clay
gets rid of impurities
and reinforces the bodywork!
You didn't see the sign.
- I thought it was a play on words.
- Oh, no.
- I see, that's pretty good.
- It sure is.
Hand brake!
But what about the cucumbers?
What are they for?
Oh, nothing,
it's just for a laugh!
So,
leave it for five minutes...
Get out the way!
Out the way! Out the way!
Down there, get out the way!
Everything has its place
in the universe,
but with Marie,
I don't see where.
John, the glove box, quick!
Miss?
Miss!
- Should I intervene?
- Don't move.
How did I
not think of this earlier?
Catastrophe is the perfect bait
for this half-wit.
- Oh, sorry...
- No, it was me.
- I don't know what got into me...
- What?
Kissing you and everything...
You kissed me?
- Yes.
- Well then!
Where's the girl in pink?
Was there a girl in pink?
- Girl in pink?
- Yes.
What girl in pink?
"Please collect your vehicle."
NORTH YONNE AMBULANCES
- Who are you?
- Sorry.
Peter. Nice to meet you.
I'm the happy owner
of the service station
you've just wrecked.
This isn't right,
this isn't right at all.
- I have to think about this...
- Watch out! Let me through!
I'm a mechanic, out the way!
It's alright, you're safe now.
Alright? Is she hurt?
How did you end up like this, Miss?
Err... Ejected.
- Ejected, that's it!
- What do you mean, ejected?
Ejected!
Ejected! You know!
Ejected like a VHS tape!
- Like an illegal immigrant!
- What?
Can't you see she's in shock?
You are too, it seems!
Francette, don't worry,
I'll look after her.
Come with me, Miss,
we won't stay here.
Alright?
Come with me, Miss?
Okay, I need to think about it.
- Okay...
- I'm thirsty.
Okay...
I have to think about it.
I'm really thirsty.
Let's get a drink then.
Then you can
think about things for a bit.
That's the problem with sandwiches!
You don't know which to choose!
You're lucky to have met
the Commercial Director
who'll make you
an exceptional offer, sir!
For clients like you,
do you know what we do?
Two triangle sandwiches...
Bosh! One square sandwich deal!
That's great! I'll take it!
Bye!
Hello sweetheart!
Bish bash bosh, how about a stroll?
Allow me to introduce myself,
Thierry-Antoine Cossart,
Commercial Director...
Tac-Tac! On the till!
Commercial Director?
Hold on, I'm on the tills,
but it's just to help out.
We're having problems
with the cashier.
- He was abducted by aliens...
- What?
- Tac-Tac...
- Calm down, it's alright!
See you later.
I need to be alone.
I need to take stock of things.
I need to lie down!
Alright.
I have exactly what you need.
On the left is my home.
You'll love it here, you'll see.
This is a concept
I recently created.
It's one of a kind!
Are you ready?
Watch out.
Come in, come in.
Here it is,
a bona fide motorway hotel!
And, the cherry on top...
the stunning view of the A440!
You don't say...
Beautiful, isn't it?
Okay, that will do, thanks.
I should get some rest now.
So...
Yeah, yeah, sure.
I understand, I'll leave you now.
If you really want me to...
I'll leave you.
The secret to manipulation
is to get people to convince you
of what you expect of them,
observe.
I didn't mean to, I swear!
I was there, I was observing...
Your negotiator had no class!
You can't find
women like that just anywhere!
That was my last chance
to get this land,
to rub out this black mark
on the map of my road.
Oh God! Why has my foolish daughter
left an indelible smear
on my monopoly?
Wait! Wait!
I could replace Petrova!
What was her mission?
To seduce the monkey,
take him by the hand
and lead him to his ruin.
She was a whore?
Your deductive skills
are almost matched
by your ability
to ruin my business!
No! Wait! I can do it!
I mean, I can seduce him!
And I don't need to sleep with him,
he's already madly in love with me!
Fine.
Why did you never say yes to me?
It's unbelievable!
I'm no supermodel, that's fine,
I'm no supermodel,
but I have charm,
that will break him!
- Did you say yes?
- Yes...
- He said yes!
- Your mission is a secret.
- Don't forget.
- Thanks, Daddy!
Don't worry, I won't say:
"Hello, I'm Marie Degrand
and I'm here to ruin you!"
Fine, just don't disappoint me.
Okay.
I won't disappoint you.
You know that's a steering wheel,
don't you?
You know that won't work?
But you said change the wheel!
Replacing it
isn't the same as changing it.
It's boring, I'll give you that,
but as a mechanic,
you always change one wheel
for another wheel.
Leave that,
let's check the motor.
Alright.
Where's the motor?
Ejected!
Bloody hell!
It landed in the boot!
Can you imagine the odds of that?
Oh, yeah...
To make thing's easier,
we'll put it back up front.
I say "we",
but you'll do it, as usual.
Well, no.
Luc, it's time for you
to sink or swim.
- Really?
- Yes.
Thanks, Peter.
Now, it's personal!
Come in, Miss.
Miss?
Marie...Ah!
Mari-ah!
Maria!
My name is Maria.
Maria!
- But what's this...
- Oh, I was sick of it!
I was hot, so I...
It's good
you've got your strength back!
The same can't be said of your car.
It's not in very good shape.
The motor's taken a beating.
We're trying to save it, but...
it doesn't look good.
Listen, I have a proposition.
We'll wait for a car to pass on,
we'll take out its motor,
then we'll do a transplant.
On the other hand, I won't lie,
it'll take a few days.
I'll have to spend some time
with you then...
No!
But, I thought...
Quick! Help me!
There's no time to lose!
They didn't even stop!
You bastards!
It's the same every time...
You take the head,
I'll take the feet.
Let's go.
Sorry, but can you explain
what exactly it is you're doing?
Each year, 1000 signs are run over,
hit and disfigured
by irresponsible motorists.
Most end up at the dump,
or at best recycled into tin cans.
I'm revolted by this!
But it's just a heap of scrap...
A roundabout
It's a black hole
Turning round and round in despair
No entry
Without these signs
I chose my life's direction
One chevron, danger
Two chevrons, safe
You need to find the right distance
Slippery surface
I love being able
to take another route
I am an aficionado
Of markings and signals
Rather than Matisse or Picasso
I prefer road signs
I am alone on my island
Like Robinson Crusoe
Ever since I was a kid
I've been snared by their charms
I love the way
People re-emerge
From the hard shoulder
Parking
Questioning
Must I remain indifferent?
And when you think
In on-coming lanes
Pure madness is your answer
All directions
Without emotion
Leads only
To disillusionment
I am an aficionado
Of markings and signals
Rather than Matisse or Picasso
I prefer road signs
I'm alone on my island
Like Robinson Crusoe
Ever since I was a kid
I've been snared by their charms
Parking
Questioning
No entry
Without these signs
Oncoming lanes
You think and think
Like a roundabout
It's a black hole
Parking
Questioning
No entry
Without these signs
Oncoming lane
You think and think
Like a roundabout
It's a black hole
I'm an aficionado
Of markings and signals
Rather than Matisse or Picasso
I prefer road signs
I'm alone on my island
Like Robinson Crusoe
Ever since I was a kid
I've been snared by their charms
Hey!
- Want to have dinner tonight?
- Already?
Yes!
I mean, I'd love to!
But I have nothing to change into.
Don't worry, people leave stuff
here all the time.
I could open a lost clothes shop!
Shall I bring them to your room?
Okay.
And your change, sir.
But hey, listen,
just to be clear,
I'm not a cashier.
I'm just helping out.
We're having problems
with the cashier.
He turned up, walked in,
then got abducted by aliens!
I was there!
Now I've got a sweet job!
If they took me,
there'd be no Commercial Director.
Yeah, I swear!
Watch out, their saucer is blue!
If you see it...
Oh, if I may, Madam.
I'd recommend this one here.
- But it's like mine at home!
- Exactly.
We all feel better peeing at home!
That's so true!
- You like her?
- Who's that?
Don't play dumb.
Oh, that girl.
Oh...
Once you fix her car, she'll leave!
Repair her car?
Easier said than done.
It was no small accident she had.
There's a mechanical check to do,
the insurance...
It could take a little while.
Leave it out!
You know very well what I mean.
Peter?
What do you think?
The grey or the black?
Grey?
No good? What about the black?
What do you mean, a funeral?
What am I supposed to do then?
Francette was right,
I'm not cut out for this.
This won't work out,
in any case, I...
Alright then.
But you come along with me.
Having a chat, mongs?
Bish bash bosh!
Look, I've had some cards made up.
- What do you think?
- Thierry-Antoine Cossard.
Commercial Director.
Expert in sales
and marketing solutions.
See?
And my slogan's on the back.
Don't take people for idiots,
but never forget that they are.
Bosh! I had 4000 of these made up!
Wait...
This isn't cheap!
Are you off to a wedding?
A dinner.
With the pretty girl
who smashed up the fence?
Right.
I'm a bit nervous. Stupid, right?
Yeah!
But never fear, Tac-Tac is here!
You know what, I'll help you out.
Chatting up girls is like selling,
and selling's what I know!
Right, rule one:
find the selling point.
For example, with me,
it's my eyes, see?
With you, it's more...
Look, forget it,
you'll sell her "fantasy".
- Fantasy?
- You just tell her whatever!
No, that's not my thing,
especially not with her.
No, wait! See here! You know what?
I'll make you a loyalty card!
With that, not only will she stay,
she'll come back!
After 10 dinners,
she'll get one for free!
- But I'm the one inviting her!
- Doesn't matter! It's psychology!
It makes her a loyal customer!
- Wait, who's on the tills?
- Francette.
Hurry then,
you know she hates it.
Hold on, I hate it too,
but nobody gives a damn!
But you don't mind!
You've got people and sales skills!
It's easy for you!
You're not wrong there.
I'll be off.
Aren't there any toilets
in the rooms?
Why not put rooms in the toilets
while you're at it?
- How was it?
- Brilliant!
- I pissed in the sink!
- You're disgusting!
You obviously
don't do the cleaning!
And then I'm told off!
It's just like home!
- At your service!
- Goodbye!
Thanks.
Did you forget something?
No, we're here.
Sir, Madam.
Follow me, if you please.
What's making the lady smile?
That's a bit formal, isn't it?
So, what's making you smile?
I just wasn't expecting
this place...
No, it's original
to "dine out" at home.
It's the best in the region!
Honestly, I don't get out much.
I really enjoy it here.
Madam.
The house cocktail.
Thanks. Is it a Bloody Mary?
I love Bloody Marys!
Do you have a loyalty card?
- What?
- Don't mind him.
What's wrong with the soup?
It's tomato soup?
I know it's not fresh,
it was only changed this morning,
So then.
Tell me.
Where were you going
before the accident?
I was...
OTHER DIRECTIONS
- Other directions!
- What do you mean?
You were following
the "Other Directions" signs?
Yes...
So you were going
from sign to sign to sign?
You were following destiny,
in a way.
Yes, that's beautiful! Exactly!
So, tell me.
What made you think
of following of these signs?
Well, I was on the road.
As usual, I was driving...
Then, I saw a sign,
and I said to myself,
I don't know where to go anyway,
so off I went!
To "Other Directions".
That's beautiful!
It's poetic and brave.
- Yes...
- Must be good to leave like that.
Imagining all the places to visit
by following the signs...
I reckon it's a way
to end up in some industrial zone!
Did I ask you
whether you had a loyalty card?
- Can you excuse us?
- Sure.
Come with me.
Can you stop
going on about loyalty cards!
- That's enough!
- You're supposed to!
It's what the big stores do!
Each time you go to the till,
they ask you for your card.
Over time, it sticks in your head,
then you end up getting one!
Cut it out!
Excuse me.
So, where were we?
Look out!
Now the night's starting!
The house special:
the triangle sandwich!
Accompanied with industrial salad
inspired
by Renaissance still-lifes!
Notice, I haven't stamped
your loyalty card.
It would get you
lots of great deals...
Wait! I...
I'd like to know more
about this card!
It's seems interesting, really!
That's because it is!
- Yes!
- It's very simple.
This is the FBI:
"Peter Loyalty Card"!
"Peter Loyalty Card"
doesn't make FBI...
No...
That makes PLC, but as it says FBI,
it'll sell more!
In principal, it's very easy.
Each time Peter
takes you out to dinner,
you'll be given one...
A stamp, that is.
- Give it a rest...
- Alright, sorry.
After 10 stamps,
you'll get a free dinner!
But he invited me out...
Doesn't matter! It's psychology!
It makes you a loyal customer!
Wait! It'd be a shame
to not use it right away!
- How much is it?
- You don't have to...
But if I can get one tonight
I'll be set!
Fine! Do the card!
Sure, everybody is talking
about the card here tonight!
- I just need your surname.
- Degrand.
Like Degrand Services?
Not at all!
My name is spelt D-E-G-R-A-N-D.
- Like Legrand services?
- Right, but with a D!
Like Degrand Services.
Alright! Shall we drink?
Here's to us!
- To your signs.
- To you.
To your "Other Directions".
My "Other Direction"
is you.
How can you say that?
I mean, you hardly know me.
That's true. Well, who are you?
Maybe, you're a...
Who are you?
I don't know know know know know
But I know that
you're my other direction
Who are you?
I still don't know
know know know know
But something's telling me
That you're not a cheat
A chicken thief
A vampire
A philanderer
Or even worse,
a wife-swapping perfectionist
Or a complete bull-shitter
Solo!
And, perhaps
- And, perhaps!
- You love eating dogs or cats
- Cats!
- In the mornings
In order to start the day right
Oh, for breakfast!
- Perhaps
- Perhaps!
You love slitting the throats
of little old ladies
- Slitting throats!
- Of Jeanines and Gérmaines
So the week
gets off to a good start
Maybe you're a kleptomaniac,
a farter, an agoraphobic
A dentist, a taxidermist
Or a raccoon
- Hey, Peter
- Hey, Peter!
I don't know who you are,
but I like you
You are, without hesitation
My other direction
You are, without hesitation
My other direction
You are, without hesitation,
my other direction
No, no! Not before marriage!
- What are you doing?
- Calling the Mayor!
It's a bit late, isn't it?
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do it tomorrow.
Maria
From the moment I saw you
Laying in the sand
I imagined us completely naked
When we'd be old, inseparable
Oh, Maria
My wealth, it is now you
My new service station, my fortress
Will you give me your hand?
Do you want to marry me
Tomorrow?
Actually, I can't do tomorrow.
Because of Patagonia!
Yes, that's right!
I've always dreamed
of going to Patagonia.
I know
you're very comfortable here.
But I've always sworn to myself
to get married and have kids there.
Alright.
- What are you doing?
- A transplant.
I replaced your motor,
you can leave today.
Luc, number 12 spanner.
Today? Without you?
What about last night?
I don't understand.
Last night, I was intoxicated
by the mood, by your charm,
by the tomato soup.
Luc, Phillips head screwdriver.
But, wait.
The "Other Directions" signs,
destiny, you and me...
I didn't make it up! This can't be!
Your life is half the world away!
I have my team, my family,
I can't leave them like that,
I'm sorry.
But...
Maria! This isn't any easy job,
please don't make it harder!
But if you sold
this service station,
you could give everyone
a brilliant retirement.
Your whole team!
Hey...
Like this.
Where does your unleaded 95
come from?
The Persian Gulf?
From the smell, I'd say
it's cut with North Sea oil.
You're a loser.
You're a loser too.
You over there, you're ugly!
Free as the air
What is this place?
This hell?
I'm not even somebody,
I'm just somewhere else
Yes, that's right
I'm there, just there, I'm tired
Everything goes by, and I
I'm still in the same place
Free as the air
DEGRAND FUEL
CHEAPER AND CLEANER
I don't give a damn about birds...
CHEAPER: 0.5 EUROS PER LITRE
CLEANER: TWO EUROS PER LITRE
NATURE THANKS YOU
Thanks from Degrand Services!
"Thanks from Degrand Services,
and have a nice day!"
It took marketing big-wigs hours
to come up with that slogan!
Being a cashier isn't a hard job!
Marie! So happy to see you!
Try these strawberries,
I've got hectares of them!
You'll be happy,
I've used your idea.
"The Land Struggle."
I've purchased all the fields
around the monkey's station.
From a technical standpoint,
this changes nothing,
he's still the owner
of his station, but for how long?
Psychologically, it's sublime!
A monopoly is like the tide,
the waters rise, progressively,
inevitably,
until they engulf everything.
And when you leave him penniless,
his lost island will complete
the biggest commercial area
ever built on the A440!
Marie, put my mind at ease.
Are those tears of joy
running down those delicate cheeks?
Hey, Peter!
You dropped this, what is it?
It's to make weirdoes talk!
DEGRAND SERVICE STATIONS
You were right, I am a loser.
I messed it all up.
Painful, isn't it?
To think yourself a winner
but turn out to be a loser?
- Answer me.
- Yes, it's funny like that.
Then what good is it to admit
you lost at being a winner?
What pomp!
What nobility! What pride!
Failure and shame
give sense to victory and pride.
- He was into me!
- And your departure consumes him!
He's in absolute agony!
Roger Bussy-Rabutin once said:
"Absence is to love
as wind is to fire,
it extinguishes the little
and kindles the great."
Let his pain run its course
for a few more hours and go back.
You marry him and make him think
that his shabby station
will be your lifetime retreat!
You want us to get married?
Every divorce
needs a marriage to begin with!
- What?
- You'll sign twice.
The first time to join your assets,
of which you have none,
the second time to make off
with half of what's his.
Ruined, he'll beg me
to put him out of his misery!
You see? Love is nature's gallows,
and he will hang from it!
It's simple,
like a brainwave!
- Isn't this going too far?
- I always knew you'd go far.
Really?
DEGRAND FAMILY SERVICE STATIONS
MR DEGRAND AND HIS DAUGHTER MARIE
EDOUARD DEGRAND
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
PLEASE DON'T HESITATE...
Hello?
- Hello?
- Peter...
Peter, I thought about it,
you're my Patagonia!
- Maria?
- How could I ask you to leave?
I had nothing! I didn't even know
where I was going!
- Do you forgive me, Peter?
- For what?
I've come to live here with you!
Great, right? What do you think?
What?
What! Do you think I'm crazy?
You think I change my mind
from one day to the next?
Do you think it's going too fast?
What is it?
- Wait, Maria...
- No!
You're not listening!
You'll confuse me
so I forget what I'm saying!
What was I saying? Oh, yeah!
I want you to say yes.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, you're happy to see me
and you want to marry.
And yes, I can live here with you.
Maria, you won't last a week here.
- Not a single week!
- Is that a bet?
- A bet? What do you...
- Alright then!
One week, and if I win,
you marry me! You're on!
1 OCTOBER
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, goodbye!
Bosh! Your turn.
Bosh!
I might not be the only one,
but I'm glad you're here!
I don't know if I said,
but I'm not a cashier.
I'm Commercial Director.
We had this massive problem...
Oh yes,
with the light and the saucer?
- I know, you told me.
- Exactly!
Get out of here then,
Mr Commercial Director!
- Maria's on the tills...
- Yeah, right!
And Peter's doing
rhythmic gymnastics.
Luc!
Love really does turn you
into an idiot.
2 OCTOBER
Here you go.
Thank you, goodbye.
Peter! Gypsies in the car park!
Call the police!
Ladies and gentlemen,
everything is fine!
It's not that
my cashier thinks that
all gypsies are thieves...
Oh, it is that.
Don't worry about your bags
and kids, they're fine.
You can't scare people like that
for no reason!
Sorry.
I hope you've learned your lesson.
There's no prejudice here.
- Not all gypsies are thieves!
- I get it!
Good.
By the way, I know this lot,
and they are in fact thieves.
Come on.
Hello? Hello.
Oh, nobody's there.
Oh! Thieves!
Oh! My cigar!
- They stole my cigar!
- Thieves!
- Thieves!
- Oh, no!
- Thieves!
- Thieves!
- Thieves!
- Those thieves!
- Thieves!
- Bloody thieves!
- Hey, Peter. Alright?
- Yeah, I'm alright.
How were we?
Was I a bit too over the top?
No, it was great! Perfect!
I'm a big fan! Oh yes!
And all the gestures...
I've just done a class in...
- Miming!
- You can really tell!
Maria, allow me to present
Ben and Julie, two actor friends.
- Thanks, guys.
- No problem.
- I'll send your pay tomorrow.
- Great.
- See you soon.
- Bye, Peter!
You pay them to get robbed?
No, those things
are from lost and found.
See? Everyone's happy!
Proper travellers aren't robbed
and the thieves
leave with a little something!
Don't you think
you're encouraging the thieves?
You know,
I'm not here to judge them.
I just want people
to have a good time here.
Understand?
I guess. Okay...
3 OCTOBER
Thanks.
Oh, Babylon!
It's rotten to the core
Have you seen this Bob CD?
Have you seen the price?
I say that humans beings
are not good people
Bob Marley said it too
in the all his choruses
His message of peace,
to listen to it, you must pay
If everything was free,
we'd all get our fill
Hey there kid, I'm Peter
I own this place
You're young with a good heart
but you're getting worked up
The world is good
for blacks and whites
As for the Bob Marley CD
It's on the house,
take it, please
Yeah
What?
You're the boss of this station?
Capitalist exploitation!
If you give away his music
You're screwing over Bob Marley!
- No...
- He needs to eat and smoke too!
The way you put it,
the world is poor
Yeah man!
I'll deal with him.
Let me tell you something.
In fact, Bob Marley is dead,
didn't you know?
- No! I didn't know...
- I'm so sorry.
Thanks!
SHOULD THE RICH BE TAXED?
Your girlfriend was right!
Now, I'll start studying law again
to make money and crush everyone!
I'll switch from spliffs to coke!
Here you go.
Ciao!
I made him happy!
I thought we weren't here to judge?
- No?
- One point to you then.
One point to me.
4 OCTOBER
Sorry, I'll start again.
5 OCTOBER
6 OCTOBER
May I?
That's pretty good!
Super! It's starting to sink in.
Good job!
I'll let you get on with it.
Here she is again!
She's our most frequent customer!
What? You didn't know?
"The Girl in Every Porsche",
we call her.
- I'll be off.
- Okay.
- It's great you've met someone.
- Yeah.
I'd never stay here for this!
That's for sure.
- Know what this is?
- No?
It's a potion
that makes weirdoes talk!
Aren't you sick
of telling me rubbish?
Hey!
Your stringless yo-yo doesn't work!
It doesn't work! Look!
See?
- It doesn't work!
- Obviously!
There's no string.
You need to connect it to Wifi,
then it'll work!
I'm so stupid!
Can I get a new one?
Sure. That'll be 50 euros.
- Thanks, have a nice day!
- Thanks!
- Excuse me, are you a weirdo?
- No.
I'm stunned to hear you say that,
but that guy there,
he's a real weirdo.
Drink this. It'll make you talk.
It will, I'm telling you.
That's disgusting.
Disgusting?
Is everything going well?
Yes, very well, in fact.
Is that why
you left the till
with no word of warning?
Don't you want to tell me
what's going on?
You're the kind of guy
who hits on any girl!
Hold on, it's finished with her.
It has nothing to do with you.
Did I ask you what you were doing
before you got here?
Peter, this is great! It works!
- It works!
- What is it?
It makes weirdoes talk!
What?
Oh, thanks, Luc.
What is it?
This doesn't make sense.
Why take petrol from my Porsche?
Incredible!
So...
Not easy.
Scent of tetraethyl lead
in order to reveal
octane undertones.
This is no longer in production.
I'd say it's from 1972.
- No!
- Yes!
- That's it!
- It is!
That's mind-blowing! Hold on...
You'll never get this one.
It's very rare.
Excellent distillation...
- That's easy.
- What is it?
It's... What is it?
Schist?
- It's...
- Oil shale!
That's easy.
1939, Télots mines in Bourgogne.
The "grand cru"!
The ultimate luxury!
That's crazy.
- Great noses smell alike.
- Right.
How did you develop
this great nose of yours?
Oh look! He's cute! So funny!
"Hello! I'm the motorway kangaroo!
I live on a magic island
on a sea of asphalt
and I love everyone!"
- No...
- No? What is it?
Maria.
This is the stuffed toy
that my mother left in my cot
on the day
she left me at the shop.
It's not so great.
- She abandoned you?
- Yes.
- Did she not come back?
- Well...
- I mean, will she never come back?
- I don't know.
That's so dodgy!
- What I mean is, it's bad.
- Right.
No so lucky, eh?
- My mother is dead.
- Oh...
It's not exactly the same thing.
With me, it's quite clear cut,
she's dead.
So,
I've grieved for her,
I'm not waiting for her.
I'm not saying you're waiting,
I just mean...
Look, don't worry.
With any luck,
your mother is dead too.
Well...
I'd best get going.
I need to be on top form
for my last trial day.
Please!
My wife is giving birth,
I need help!
I'm sorry, sir.
For insurance issues,
please understand,
we can't take any responsibility.
Where's the nearest hospital?
I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have the right
to advertise other establishments.
What can you do then?
Thanks from Degrand Services!
Sir! Sir!
And have a nice day!
The only trick is,
don't fly above the fields.
If you have to land there,
it gets a bit complicated.
Yes! That's it!
The exact opposite of what I said!
I can't fly straight.
No, no, straighten up,
otherwise you'll...
- I'm sorry.
- Don't worry.
Coming?
What is it? Are you angry?
What's wrong?
- Maria, listen...
- Peter!
Peter! Big problem in the car park!
As much as I know about mechanics,
this is...
Peter, are you alright?
I'll deal with this.
Do you happen to have
a heart rate monitor here?
Err, no.
Well make do with what we have,
I need one!
It's alright.
It'll be alright,
you're in good hands.
Luc! I'll need a number 12 spanner.
Why a number 12 spanner?
I know what I'm doing. Tac-Tac!
GPS.
Bish, bash, bosh. There you go.
"You are in the vaginal tunnel.
In two centimetres,
gently turn right."
Francette!
Clean sheets and hot water.
Peter.
- Yes?
- Beat-box.
Okay...
Joe!
Don't do anything.
"Estimated arrival
in five minutes."
Please, don't worry
I don't know how to do this
In any case, you need to push
Where on earth is the perineum?
Everything is going really well
Well, what do I know?
Push! Push! Push!
Oh my God, this is great!
Oh my God, I can see a foot!
When will this be over?
Just after the episiotomy
Would it hurt less
With an epidural?
Err, I don't have one.
Push! Push! Push!
Okay, it's fine.
Breathe!
Contract! Contract!
Breathe!
Push!
Push! Breathe!
Contract! Push!
Number 12 spanner!
Here.
Thanks.
Thank you.
"You have arrived
at your destination."
To Maria!
Here.
- She's a real champ!
- To Maria!
I'd say you've won your bet.
It's been a week.
Maria, will you marry me tomorrow?
Tomorrow?
Who are you?
Now that I know
I can no longer
be far from your arms
You are my journey, my home
Tomorrow, I'll marry you!
There's something you should know.
What?
Come with me.
Here we are.
Listen.
Peter!
Bloody hell!
Tell me, neighbour,
were you about to come
onto my land?
Your land?
You're getting into farming?
Aren't service stations
working out?
There's no competition,
it's no fun.
But enough about me, how are you?
I was worried,
I haven't heard from you.
I've very good thanks,
marvellous, in fact.
I'm getting married tomorrow!
Oh! What great news!
And this lovely lady is the bride,
I suppose?
Absolutely.
This is Maria, Maria Degrand.
- No!
- Ironic, isn't it?
Oh yes! She could be my daughter!
Pretty, honest and down-to-earth?
I don't think so.
Pretty and honest,
sweet illusions of blind love.
May you never be fooled.
If you don't believe it,
come to a happy event for once.
It's at 10 am tomorrow.
With pleasure!
I'll arrive near the end though.
I have important admin tasks
to complete for tomorrow morning,
concerning the promotion
of one of my best female workers.
Great. See you tomorrow.
Tomorrow it is!
And congratulations, Miss.
Rest assured, tomorrow,
your dream will come true!
Are you alright?
Wait, Maria...
I...
I love you.
I've never left
this service station.
- What?
- Never.
In all my life,
I've never left once.
What are you telling me?
The truth.
If I try to cross that line,
I don't know, I can't breathe,
it's like I'm suffocating...
You had me going for a minute!
What are you doing?
- This'll get me there.
- What?
Peter?
Peter? Peter!
I'm so stupid.
Good day, Madam!
Welcome to the marriage
of Peter and Maria!
I'll find you a nice space,
you'll see.
Sit yourself down here.
- Thank you.
- There you go...
The ushers are paid in tips...
- Oh, sorry.
- No problem.
Thank you.
Who wants to throw rice? Rice here!
- I'll take some rice.
- Sure thing.
There you go.
That'll be one euro.
That's not cheap...
Well, it is basmati.
Thank you!
Bish, bash, bosh!
Sweets, toffees,
chocolate, grains of rice...
- Hello!
- Hello.
I'm Peter, nice to meet you.
Sir.
Maria?
You could use this for a veil.
It's a bit heavy
but the colour's not bad.
Maria?
I have to say,
it's exactly like mine at home.
- Mr Degrand, I think it's time.
- Not yet!
Maria's gone!
Her bike isn't here.
Sorry, don't you mean her car?
Who cares about the brand?
Why ask about her bike's maker?
- Mr Degrand, I think it's time.
- Not yet.
John! It's time!
Wait!
There she is!
MR DEGRAND AND HIS DAUGHTER MARIE
Marie...
Welcome to my service station!
"Put your hands up in the air",
it's English!
A marriage, a divorce
And your entire life
comes tumbling down and collapses
You believed in love
You were snubbed off
I am the end
of your service station
The meteorite
to your Jurassic period
And so a great reptile
ends up as a fossil
And this service station
Will be, and don't be displeased,
Part of my empire, the firmament
You danced
Oh, I'm so happy!
This is now a construction site!
Tomorrow, we will erect
the biggest Degrand tower
ever built on the A440!
No! No!
There was no wedding.
- I beg your pardon?
- She's left, it's for the best.
She's gone!
It's in everyone's interest!
Hurts, doesn't it?
- Does it sting?
- Go away, don't come any closer.
Don't come any closer.
Yeah! That's right!
Does anyone here
want this guy to "get away"?
Yeah!
Peter?
I PROMISE, I'LL BE BACK
Control tower, authorising
take-off of 4L Charlie Tango.
I'm as free as the air
Peter! It's Luc! Respond! Peter!
Peter? Are you alright?
Peter, respond! Peter!
Are you alright? Do you read me?
Peter!
- It's alright, I crossed the line.
- Yes!
OTHER DIRECTIONS
INDUSTRIAL ZONE
Marie.
I prefer Maria.
Your breasts are like apples
I bite into them
You are stunned
Your ears are like chewing gum
Which I bite unashamedly
Tie up my hands
Treat me like a pig
I leave marks on my man
Like a snail from Bourgogne
I slap your backside
I'll be your mistress
I'll bump your other cheek
You little sinner
Give me your sweet caress
You doubt your weaknesses
Give me everything
Even your herpes
You are the Eva Perón
Of my testosterone
And you're the Che of my hormones
This is the revolution!
Come see, my sweet
The roses are in bloom
The finger on my klaxon
You've found the "on" button
I press all your buttons
Until they explode
You snore like a bison
It gives me the shivers
- All my short-comings go away
- Oh, yes?
- I'd think you were pretty...
- What?
Even if you had three nipples
Love makes us stupid
But it's oh-so good!
Laughing for no reason
In every position
On the floor and on the ceiling
We orgasm as we please
You're a little late.
Hold on, there was the light,
and the saucer...
Yeah, yeah, whatever...
Love makes us stupid
But it's oh-so good!
Laughing for no reason
In every position
On the floor and on the ceiling
We orgasm as we please
Love makes us stupid
But it's oh-so good!
Laughing for no reason
All the positions
On the floor and on the ceiling
We orgasm as we please
ASPHALT IS IN THE AIR
SUBTITLES: RED BEE MEDIA FRANCE
Peter...
TOMATO SOUP
PETER, SEVEN YEARS OLD
Bye!
What are you doing here?
This area is closed!
No, it's never closed! I live here.
Why have I never seen you before?
I'm Francette,
I've just been hired.
Don't worry, it's great here!
Come here so I can clean you up.
ASPHALT IS IN THE AIR
PETER, 30 YEARS OLD
Free as the air
Never on the road
Summer as in winter,
I see love and petrol stains
Welcome to my service station!
SERVICE STATION LIFEGUARD
A sandwich
A packet of crisps crisps crisps
Crisps crisps crisps
A naughty magazine
And some red lipstick
A coffee
A quick stop to pee pee pee
Pee pee pee pee
Oh! Look how it shines!
Free as the air
Sedentary traveller
At my service station
Super or ordinary
What was the task I set you all?
What do you call this?
A monopoly?
The only monopoly is a perfect one!
Your mistake was thinking
this was the natural order.
When I do business,
I seek to return the natural order.
What was your offer?
10 million.
He's a high-flying monkey.
That's how nature is,
the predator adjust its skills
to the resistance of its prey.
Still, 10 million is a lot...
Alright then.
Take note, gentlemen.
If this primate is indifferent
to absolute truth,
money,
let's give him
the ultimate illusion.
Love.
I present to you, Nadia Petrova.
This maniac is so witless,
she'll do whatever I say.
Bravo!
Nature has given man
the power to negotiate,
but only to few,
the genius to use it properly.
Business is a science.
Galileo, my grandfather,
Newton, my father,
- And I, Einstein...
- Sorry I'm late, Daddy.
But to have been late,
you need to have been invited.
I've just finished
my new buyback strategy:
- The "Lander Stroogel".
- The what?
The "Lander Struggle"...
I can't pronounce it yet,
but it's really imaginative!
I need to show you it.
I did pictures and everything!
No, Marie...
I said I don't need a negotiator!
- Get out.
- At least let me try!
I've only just finished it!
This is revolutionary!
I can't be an intern all my life,
it's already been two years!
4000 euros pocket money
for an internship,
who's complaining?
Who's that?
She's a negotiator...
But you don't need one!
This one is special...
I'm special too! I'm your daughter!
Aimé,
are your parents good-looking?
- Yes, sir.
- See, Marie?
The best genes
sometimes skip a generation.
Thanks, Aimé.
Maybe your son
will have business sense,
given that you find a man
who is both oblivious
and worthy of me.
Gentlemen, I'd like to end
with an American technique
used to lower stress
and get rid of anger,
all our negative emotions.
It's very easy,
you just use your hands
to chase away the bad feelings,
saying:
"Get away, get away."
Go on.
You can do better! Louder!
Terrible!
It's like you have no anxiety
to get rid of!
My bad,
I forgot the most important part.
You're all fired.
John, make ready the town car,
we're going on a stakeout.
Very well, Mr Degrand.
- We're moving to the Caribbean.
- Oh, really?
You'll never get
to have coffee at our place!
- It's not that far.
- True.
I also wouldn't get
to invite you over as often.
You're not wrong there.
I'll never visit.
You sold out to Degrand!
He gave us two million euros!
- Two million!
- That's great!
It's only us left.
Yes!
But the important thing
is to push up the price.
Once, twice,
three times!
- That's how you do it!
- He's always had business smarts!
But we won't sell,
it's not about the price.
Peter's just refused...
- How much did you refuse, Peter?
- 10 million.
10 mil... 10 mil...
- That's huge!
- It's not bad.
I knew
we should have kept negotiating!
Here's some advice, take the money.
Sooner or later,
he'll get this place.
- Come on, we'll miss the plane!
- Coming, dear.
Good luck, keep up the good work.
- Thanks, safe travels!
- Liliane! Calm down!
And our service station
was twice as big as theirs!
You're a real idiot!
Don't worry,
you can't buy paradise.
- Well...
- But you don't get it, Peter.
These people
are capable of anything.
So am I! Look at that loop-di-loop!
Peter!
I almost hit that bird.
Did you see?
THALASSAUTO
MUD BATH, WASH, DRYING
UV, POLISH, CUCUMBER TREATMENT
"Please collect your vehicle."
What the hell have they done?
This is an outrage! My car!
You know, we don't just offer
car washes here.
This is a proper "Thalassauto".
- See?
- Yeah, but my car!
But the mud bath is very important!
Especially after the UV wash!
Our special clay
gets rid of impurities
and reinforces the bodywork!
You didn't see the sign.
- I thought it was a play on words.
- Oh, no.
- I see, that's pretty good.
- It sure is.
Hand brake!
But what about the cucumbers?
What are they for?
Oh, nothing,
it's just for a laugh!
So,
leave it for five minutes...
Get out the way!
Out the way! Out the way!
Down there, get out the way!
Everything has its place
in the universe,
but with Marie,
I don't see where.
John, the glove box, quick!
Miss?
Miss!
- Should I intervene?
- Don't move.
How did I
not think of this earlier?
Catastrophe is the perfect bait
for this half-wit.
- Oh, sorry...
- No, it was me.
- I don't know what got into me...
- What?
Kissing you and everything...
You kissed me?
- Yes.
- Well then!
Where's the girl in pink?
Was there a girl in pink?
- Girl in pink?
- Yes.
What girl in pink?
"Please collect your vehicle."
NORTH YONNE AMBULANCES
- Who are you?
- Sorry.
Peter. Nice to meet you.
I'm the happy owner
of the service station
you've just wrecked.
This isn't right,
this isn't right at all.
- I have to think about this...
- Watch out! Let me through!
I'm a mechanic, out the way!
It's alright, you're safe now.
Alright? Is she hurt?
How did you end up like this, Miss?
Err... Ejected.
- Ejected, that's it!
- What do you mean, ejected?
Ejected!
Ejected! You know!
Ejected like a VHS tape!
- Like an illegal immigrant!
- What?
Can't you see she's in shock?
You are too, it seems!
Francette, don't worry,
I'll look after her.
Come with me, Miss,
we won't stay here.
Alright?
Come with me, Miss?
Okay, I need to think about it.
- Okay...
- I'm thirsty.
Okay...
I have to think about it.
I'm really thirsty.
Let's get a drink then.
Then you can
think about things for a bit.
That's the problem with sandwiches!
You don't know which to choose!
You're lucky to have met
the Commercial Director
who'll make you
an exceptional offer, sir!
For clients like you,
do you know what we do?
Two triangle sandwiches...
Bosh! One square sandwich deal!
That's great! I'll take it!
Bye!
Hello sweetheart!
Bish bash bosh, how about a stroll?
Allow me to introduce myself,
Thierry-Antoine Cossart,
Commercial Director...
Tac-Tac! On the till!
Commercial Director?
Hold on, I'm on the tills,
but it's just to help out.
We're having problems
with the cashier.
- He was abducted by aliens...
- What?
- Tac-Tac...
- Calm down, it's alright!
See you later.
I need to be alone.
I need to take stock of things.
I need to lie down!
Alright.
I have exactly what you need.
On the left is my home.
You'll love it here, you'll see.
This is a concept
I recently created.
It's one of a kind!
Are you ready?
Watch out.
Come in, come in.
Here it is,
a bona fide motorway hotel!
And, the cherry on top...
the stunning view of the A440!
You don't say...
Beautiful, isn't it?
Okay, that will do, thanks.
I should get some rest now.
So...
Yeah, yeah, sure.
I understand, I'll leave you now.
If you really want me to...
I'll leave you.
The secret to manipulation
is to get people to convince you
of what you expect of them,
observe.
I didn't mean to, I swear!
I was there, I was observing...
Your negotiator had no class!
You can't find
women like that just anywhere!
That was my last chance
to get this land,
to rub out this black mark
on the map of my road.
Oh God! Why has my foolish daughter
left an indelible smear
on my monopoly?
Wait! Wait!
I could replace Petrova!
What was her mission?
To seduce the monkey,
take him by the hand
and lead him to his ruin.
She was a whore?
Your deductive skills
are almost matched
by your ability
to ruin my business!
No! Wait! I can do it!
I mean, I can seduce him!
And I don't need to sleep with him,
he's already madly in love with me!
Fine.
Why did you never say yes to me?
It's unbelievable!
I'm no supermodel, that's fine,
I'm no supermodel,
but I have charm,
that will break him!
- Did you say yes?
- Yes...
- He said yes!
- Your mission is a secret.
- Don't forget.
- Thanks, Daddy!
Don't worry, I won't say:
"Hello, I'm Marie Degrand
and I'm here to ruin you!"
Fine, just don't disappoint me.
Okay.
I won't disappoint you.
You know that's a steering wheel,
don't you?
You know that won't work?
But you said change the wheel!
Replacing it
isn't the same as changing it.
It's boring, I'll give you that,
but as a mechanic,
you always change one wheel
for another wheel.
Leave that,
let's check the motor.
Alright.
Where's the motor?
Ejected!
Bloody hell!
It landed in the boot!
Can you imagine the odds of that?
Oh, yeah...
To make thing's easier,
we'll put it back up front.
I say "we",
but you'll do it, as usual.
Well, no.
Luc, it's time for you
to sink or swim.
- Really?
- Yes.
Thanks, Peter.
Now, it's personal!
Come in, Miss.
Miss?
Marie...Ah!
Mari-ah!
Maria!
My name is Maria.
Maria!
- But what's this...
- Oh, I was sick of it!
I was hot, so I...
It's good
you've got your strength back!
The same can't be said of your car.
It's not in very good shape.
The motor's taken a beating.
We're trying to save it, but...
it doesn't look good.
Listen, I have a proposition.
We'll wait for a car to pass on,
we'll take out its motor,
then we'll do a transplant.
On the other hand, I won't lie,
it'll take a few days.
I'll have to spend some time
with you then...
No!
But, I thought...
Quick! Help me!
There's no time to lose!
They didn't even stop!
You bastards!
It's the same every time...
You take the head,
I'll take the feet.
Let's go.
Sorry, but can you explain
what exactly it is you're doing?
Each year, 1000 signs are run over,
hit and disfigured
by irresponsible motorists.
Most end up at the dump,
or at best recycled into tin cans.
I'm revolted by this!
But it's just a heap of scrap...
A roundabout
It's a black hole
Turning round and round in despair
No entry
Without these signs
I chose my life's direction
One chevron, danger
Two chevrons, safe
You need to find the right distance
Slippery surface
I love being able
to take another route
I am an aficionado
Of markings and signals
Rather than Matisse or Picasso
I prefer road signs
I am alone on my island
Like Robinson Crusoe
Ever since I was a kid
I've been snared by their charms
I love the way
People re-emerge
From the hard shoulder
Parking
Questioning
Must I remain indifferent?
And when you think
In on-coming lanes
Pure madness is your answer
All directions
Without emotion
Leads only
To disillusionment
I am an aficionado
Of markings and signals
Rather than Matisse or Picasso
I prefer road signs
I'm alone on my island
Like Robinson Crusoe
Ever since I was a kid
I've been snared by their charms
Parking
Questioning
No entry
Without these signs
Oncoming lanes
You think and think
Like a roundabout
It's a black hole
Parking
Questioning
No entry
Without these signs
Oncoming lane
You think and think
Like a roundabout
It's a black hole
I'm an aficionado
Of markings and signals
Rather than Matisse or Picasso
I prefer road signs
I'm alone on my island
Like Robinson Crusoe
Ever since I was a kid
I've been snared by their charms
Hey!
- Want to have dinner tonight?
- Already?
Yes!
I mean, I'd love to!
But I have nothing to change into.
Don't worry, people leave stuff
here all the time.
I could open a lost clothes shop!
Shall I bring them to your room?
Okay.
And your change, sir.
But hey, listen,
just to be clear,
I'm not a cashier.
I'm just helping out.
We're having problems
with the cashier.
He turned up, walked in,
then got abducted by aliens!
I was there!
Now I've got a sweet job!
If they took me,
there'd be no Commercial Director.
Yeah, I swear!
Watch out, their saucer is blue!
If you see it...
Oh, if I may, Madam.
I'd recommend this one here.
- But it's like mine at home!
- Exactly.
We all feel better peeing at home!
That's so true!
- You like her?
- Who's that?
Don't play dumb.
Oh, that girl.
Oh...
Once you fix her car, she'll leave!
Repair her car?
Easier said than done.
It was no small accident she had.
There's a mechanical check to do,
the insurance...
It could take a little while.
Leave it out!
You know very well what I mean.
Peter?
What do you think?
The grey or the black?
Grey?
No good? What about the black?
What do you mean, a funeral?
What am I supposed to do then?
Francette was right,
I'm not cut out for this.
This won't work out,
in any case, I...
Alright then.
But you come along with me.
Having a chat, mongs?
Bish bash bosh!
Look, I've had some cards made up.
- What do you think?
- Thierry-Antoine Cossard.
Commercial Director.
Expert in sales
and marketing solutions.
See?
And my slogan's on the back.
Don't take people for idiots,
but never forget that they are.
Bosh! I had 4000 of these made up!
Wait...
This isn't cheap!
Are you off to a wedding?
A dinner.
With the pretty girl
who smashed up the fence?
Right.
I'm a bit nervous. Stupid, right?
Yeah!
But never fear, Tac-Tac is here!
You know what, I'll help you out.
Chatting up girls is like selling,
and selling's what I know!
Right, rule one:
find the selling point.
For example, with me,
it's my eyes, see?
With you, it's more...
Look, forget it,
you'll sell her "fantasy".
- Fantasy?
- You just tell her whatever!
No, that's not my thing,
especially not with her.
No, wait! See here! You know what?
I'll make you a loyalty card!
With that, not only will she stay,
she'll come back!
After 10 dinners,
she'll get one for free!
- But I'm the one inviting her!
- Doesn't matter! It's psychology!
It makes her a loyal customer!
- Wait, who's on the tills?
- Francette.
Hurry then,
you know she hates it.
Hold on, I hate it too,
but nobody gives a damn!
But you don't mind!
You've got people and sales skills!
It's easy for you!
You're not wrong there.
I'll be off.
Aren't there any toilets
in the rooms?
Why not put rooms in the toilets
while you're at it?
- How was it?
- Brilliant!
- I pissed in the sink!
- You're disgusting!
You obviously
don't do the cleaning!
And then I'm told off!
It's just like home!
- At your service!
- Goodbye!
Thanks.
Did you forget something?
No, we're here.
Sir, Madam.
Follow me, if you please.
What's making the lady smile?
That's a bit formal, isn't it?
So, what's making you smile?
I just wasn't expecting
this place...
No, it's original
to "dine out" at home.
It's the best in the region!
Honestly, I don't get out much.
I really enjoy it here.
Madam.
The house cocktail.
Thanks. Is it a Bloody Mary?
I love Bloody Marys!
Do you have a loyalty card?
- What?
- Don't mind him.
What's wrong with the soup?
It's tomato soup?
I know it's not fresh,
it was only changed this morning,
So then.
Tell me.
Where were you going
before the accident?
I was...
OTHER DIRECTIONS
- Other directions!
- What do you mean?
You were following
the "Other Directions" signs?
Yes...
So you were going
from sign to sign to sign?
You were following destiny,
in a way.
Yes, that's beautiful! Exactly!
So, tell me.
What made you think
of following of these signs?
Well, I was on the road.
As usual, I was driving...
Then, I saw a sign,
and I said to myself,
I don't know where to go anyway,
so off I went!
To "Other Directions".
That's beautiful!
It's poetic and brave.
- Yes...
- Must be good to leave like that.
Imagining all the places to visit
by following the signs...
I reckon it's a way
to end up in some industrial zone!
Did I ask you
whether you had a loyalty card?
- Can you excuse us?
- Sure.
Come with me.
Can you stop
going on about loyalty cards!
- That's enough!
- You're supposed to!
It's what the big stores do!
Each time you go to the till,
they ask you for your card.
Over time, it sticks in your head,
then you end up getting one!
Cut it out!
Excuse me.
So, where were we?
Look out!
Now the night's starting!
The house special:
the triangle sandwich!
Accompanied with industrial salad
inspired
by Renaissance still-lifes!
Notice, I haven't stamped
your loyalty card.
It would get you
lots of great deals...
Wait! I...
I'd like to know more
about this card!
It's seems interesting, really!
That's because it is!
- Yes!
- It's very simple.
This is the FBI:
"Peter Loyalty Card"!
"Peter Loyalty Card"
doesn't make FBI...
No...
That makes PLC, but as it says FBI,
it'll sell more!
In principal, it's very easy.
Each time Peter
takes you out to dinner,
you'll be given one...
A stamp, that is.
- Give it a rest...
- Alright, sorry.
After 10 stamps,
you'll get a free dinner!
But he invited me out...
Doesn't matter! It's psychology!
It makes you a loyal customer!
Wait! It'd be a shame
to not use it right away!
- How much is it?
- You don't have to...
But if I can get one tonight
I'll be set!
Fine! Do the card!
Sure, everybody is talking
about the card here tonight!
- I just need your surname.
- Degrand.
Like Degrand Services?
Not at all!
My name is spelt D-E-G-R-A-N-D.
- Like Legrand services?
- Right, but with a D!
Like Degrand Services.
Alright! Shall we drink?
Here's to us!
- To your signs.
- To you.
To your "Other Directions".
My "Other Direction"
is you.
How can you say that?
I mean, you hardly know me.
That's true. Well, who are you?
Maybe, you're a...
Who are you?
I don't know know know know know
But I know that
you're my other direction
Who are you?
I still don't know
know know know know
But something's telling me
That you're not a cheat
A chicken thief
A vampire
A philanderer
Or even worse,
a wife-swapping perfectionist
Or a complete bull-shitter
Solo!
And, perhaps
- And, perhaps!
- You love eating dogs or cats
- Cats!
- In the mornings
In order to start the day right
Oh, for breakfast!
- Perhaps
- Perhaps!
You love slitting the throats
of little old ladies
- Slitting throats!
- Of Jeanines and Gérmaines
So the week
gets off to a good start
Maybe you're a kleptomaniac,
a farter, an agoraphobic
A dentist, a taxidermist
Or a raccoon
- Hey, Peter
- Hey, Peter!
I don't know who you are,
but I like you
You are, without hesitation
My other direction
You are, without hesitation
My other direction
You are, without hesitation,
my other direction
No, no! Not before marriage!
- What are you doing?
- Calling the Mayor!
It's a bit late, isn't it?
Yeah, you're right.
Let's do it tomorrow.
Maria
From the moment I saw you
Laying in the sand
I imagined us completely naked
When we'd be old, inseparable
Oh, Maria
My wealth, it is now you
My new service station, my fortress
Will you give me your hand?
Do you want to marry me
Tomorrow?
Actually, I can't do tomorrow.
Because of Patagonia!
Yes, that's right!
I've always dreamed
of going to Patagonia.
I know
you're very comfortable here.
But I've always sworn to myself
to get married and have kids there.
Alright.
- What are you doing?
- A transplant.
I replaced your motor,
you can leave today.
Luc, number 12 spanner.
Today? Without you?
What about last night?
I don't understand.
Last night, I was intoxicated
by the mood, by your charm,
by the tomato soup.
Luc, Phillips head screwdriver.
But, wait.
The "Other Directions" signs,
destiny, you and me...
I didn't make it up! This can't be!
Your life is half the world away!
I have my team, my family,
I can't leave them like that,
I'm sorry.
But...
Maria! This isn't any easy job,
please don't make it harder!
But if you sold
this service station,
you could give everyone
a brilliant retirement.
Your whole team!
Hey...
Like this.
Where does your unleaded 95
come from?
The Persian Gulf?
From the smell, I'd say
it's cut with North Sea oil.
You're a loser.
You're a loser too.
You over there, you're ugly!
Free as the air
What is this place?
This hell?
I'm not even somebody,
I'm just somewhere else
Yes, that's right
I'm there, just there, I'm tired
Everything goes by, and I
I'm still in the same place
Free as the air
DEGRAND FUEL
CHEAPER AND CLEANER
I don't give a damn about birds...
CHEAPER: 0.5 EUROS PER LITRE
CLEANER: TWO EUROS PER LITRE
NATURE THANKS YOU
Thanks from Degrand Services!
"Thanks from Degrand Services,
and have a nice day!"
It took marketing big-wigs hours
to come up with that slogan!
Being a cashier isn't a hard job!
Marie! So happy to see you!
Try these strawberries,
I've got hectares of them!
You'll be happy,
I've used your idea.
"The Land Struggle."
I've purchased all the fields
around the monkey's station.
From a technical standpoint,
this changes nothing,
he's still the owner
of his station, but for how long?
Psychologically, it's sublime!
A monopoly is like the tide,
the waters rise, progressively,
inevitably,
until they engulf everything.
And when you leave him penniless,
his lost island will complete
the biggest commercial area
ever built on the A440!
Marie, put my mind at ease.
Are those tears of joy
running down those delicate cheeks?
Hey, Peter!
You dropped this, what is it?
It's to make weirdoes talk!
DEGRAND SERVICE STATIONS
You were right, I am a loser.
I messed it all up.
Painful, isn't it?
To think yourself a winner
but turn out to be a loser?
- Answer me.
- Yes, it's funny like that.
Then what good is it to admit
you lost at being a winner?
What pomp!
What nobility! What pride!
Failure and shame
give sense to victory and pride.
- He was into me!
- And your departure consumes him!
He's in absolute agony!
Roger Bussy-Rabutin once said:
"Absence is to love
as wind is to fire,
it extinguishes the little
and kindles the great."
Let his pain run its course
for a few more hours and go back.
You marry him and make him think
that his shabby station
will be your lifetime retreat!
You want us to get married?
Every divorce
needs a marriage to begin with!
- What?
- You'll sign twice.
The first time to join your assets,
of which you have none,
the second time to make off
with half of what's his.
Ruined, he'll beg me
to put him out of his misery!
You see? Love is nature's gallows,
and he will hang from it!
It's simple,
like a brainwave!
- Isn't this going too far?
- I always knew you'd go far.
Really?
DEGRAND FAMILY SERVICE STATIONS
MR DEGRAND AND HIS DAUGHTER MARIE
EDOUARD DEGRAND
IF YOU CHANGE YOUR MIND,
PLEASE DON'T HESITATE...
Hello?
- Hello?
- Peter...
Peter, I thought about it,
you're my Patagonia!
- Maria?
- How could I ask you to leave?
I had nothing! I didn't even know
where I was going!
- Do you forgive me, Peter?
- For what?
I've come to live here with you!
Great, right? What do you think?
What?
What! Do you think I'm crazy?
You think I change my mind
from one day to the next?
Do you think it's going too fast?
What is it?
- Wait, Maria...
- No!
You're not listening!
You'll confuse me
so I forget what I'm saying!
What was I saying? Oh, yeah!
I want you to say yes.
Yes, yes, yes!
Yes, you're happy to see me
and you want to marry.
And yes, I can live here with you.
Maria, you won't last a week here.
- Not a single week!
- Is that a bet?
- A bet? What do you...
- Alright then!
One week, and if I win,
you marry me! You're on!
1 OCTOBER
Thank you.
- Thank you.
- Thanks, goodbye!
Bosh! Your turn.
Bosh!
I might not be the only one,
but I'm glad you're here!
I don't know if I said,
but I'm not a cashier.
I'm Commercial Director.
We had this massive problem...
Oh yes,
with the light and the saucer?
- I know, you told me.
- Exactly!
Get out of here then,
Mr Commercial Director!
- Maria's on the tills...
- Yeah, right!
And Peter's doing
rhythmic gymnastics.
Luc!
Love really does turn you
into an idiot.
2 OCTOBER
Here you go.
Thank you, goodbye.
Peter! Gypsies in the car park!
Call the police!
Ladies and gentlemen,
everything is fine!
It's not that
my cashier thinks that
all gypsies are thieves...
Oh, it is that.
Don't worry about your bags
and kids, they're fine.
You can't scare people like that
for no reason!
Sorry.
I hope you've learned your lesson.
There's no prejudice here.
- Not all gypsies are thieves!
- I get it!
Good.
By the way, I know this lot,
and they are in fact thieves.
Come on.
Hello? Hello.
Oh, nobody's there.
Oh! Thieves!
Oh! My cigar!
- They stole my cigar!
- Thieves!
- Thieves!
- Oh, no!
- Thieves!
- Thieves!
- Thieves!
- Those thieves!
- Thieves!
- Bloody thieves!
- Hey, Peter. Alright?
- Yeah, I'm alright.
How were we?
Was I a bit too over the top?
No, it was great! Perfect!
I'm a big fan! Oh yes!
And all the gestures...
I've just done a class in...
- Miming!
- You can really tell!
Maria, allow me to present
Ben and Julie, two actor friends.
- Thanks, guys.
- No problem.
- I'll send your pay tomorrow.
- Great.
- See you soon.
- Bye, Peter!
You pay them to get robbed?
No, those things
are from lost and found.
See? Everyone's happy!
Proper travellers aren't robbed
and the thieves
leave with a little something!
Don't you think
you're encouraging the thieves?
You know,
I'm not here to judge them.
I just want people
to have a good time here.
Understand?
I guess. Okay...
3 OCTOBER
Thanks.
Oh, Babylon!
It's rotten to the core
Have you seen this Bob CD?
Have you seen the price?
I say that humans beings
are not good people
Bob Marley said it too
in the all his choruses
His message of peace,
to listen to it, you must pay
If everything was free,
we'd all get our fill
Hey there kid, I'm Peter
I own this place
You're young with a good heart
but you're getting worked up
The world is good
for blacks and whites
As for the Bob Marley CD
It's on the house,
take it, please
Yeah
What?
You're the boss of this station?
Capitalist exploitation!
If you give away his music
You're screwing over Bob Marley!
- No...
- He needs to eat and smoke too!
The way you put it,
the world is poor
Yeah man!
I'll deal with him.
Let me tell you something.
In fact, Bob Marley is dead,
didn't you know?
- No! I didn't know...
- I'm so sorry.
Thanks!
SHOULD THE RICH BE TAXED?
Your girlfriend was right!
Now, I'll start studying law again
to make money and crush everyone!
I'll switch from spliffs to coke!
Here you go.
Ciao!
I made him happy!
I thought we weren't here to judge?
- No?
- One point to you then.
One point to me.
4 OCTOBER
Sorry, I'll start again.
5 OCTOBER
6 OCTOBER
May I?
That's pretty good!
Super! It's starting to sink in.
Good job!
I'll let you get on with it.
Here she is again!
She's our most frequent customer!
What? You didn't know?
"The Girl in Every Porsche",
we call her.
- I'll be off.
- Okay.
- It's great you've met someone.
- Yeah.
I'd never stay here for this!
That's for sure.
- Know what this is?
- No?
It's a potion
that makes weirdoes talk!
Aren't you sick
of telling me rubbish?
Hey!
Your stringless yo-yo doesn't work!
It doesn't work! Look!
See?
- It doesn't work!
- Obviously!
There's no string.
You need to connect it to Wifi,
then it'll work!
I'm so stupid!
Can I get a new one?
Sure. That'll be 50 euros.
- Thanks, have a nice day!
- Thanks!
- Excuse me, are you a weirdo?
- No.
I'm stunned to hear you say that,
but that guy there,
he's a real weirdo.
Drink this. It'll make you talk.
It will, I'm telling you.
That's disgusting.
Disgusting?
Is everything going well?
Yes, very well, in fact.
Is that why
you left the till
with no word of warning?
Don't you want to tell me
what's going on?
You're the kind of guy
who hits on any girl!
Hold on, it's finished with her.
It has nothing to do with you.
Did I ask you what you were doing
before you got here?
Peter, this is great! It works!
- It works!
- What is it?
It makes weirdoes talk!
What?
Oh, thanks, Luc.
What is it?
This doesn't make sense.
Why take petrol from my Porsche?
Incredible!
So...
Not easy.
Scent of tetraethyl lead
in order to reveal
octane undertones.
This is no longer in production.
I'd say it's from 1972.
- No!
- Yes!
- That's it!
- It is!
That's mind-blowing! Hold on...
You'll never get this one.
It's very rare.
Excellent distillation...
- That's easy.
- What is it?
It's... What is it?
Schist?
- It's...
- Oil shale!
That's easy.
1939, Télots mines in Bourgogne.
The "grand cru"!
The ultimate luxury!
That's crazy.
- Great noses smell alike.
- Right.
How did you develop
this great nose of yours?
Oh look! He's cute! So funny!
"Hello! I'm the motorway kangaroo!
I live on a magic island
on a sea of asphalt
and I love everyone!"
- No...
- No? What is it?
Maria.
This is the stuffed toy
that my mother left in my cot
on the day
she left me at the shop.
It's not so great.
- She abandoned you?
- Yes.
- Did she not come back?
- Well...
- I mean, will she never come back?
- I don't know.
That's so dodgy!
- What I mean is, it's bad.
- Right.
No so lucky, eh?
- My mother is dead.
- Oh...
It's not exactly the same thing.
With me, it's quite clear cut,
she's dead.
So,
I've grieved for her,
I'm not waiting for her.
I'm not saying you're waiting,
I just mean...
Look, don't worry.
With any luck,
your mother is dead too.
Well...
I'd best get going.
I need to be on top form
for my last trial day.
Please!
My wife is giving birth,
I need help!
I'm sorry, sir.
For insurance issues,
please understand,
we can't take any responsibility.
Where's the nearest hospital?
I'm sorry, sir.
We don't have the right
to advertise other establishments.
What can you do then?
Thanks from Degrand Services!
Sir! Sir!
And have a nice day!
The only trick is,
don't fly above the fields.
If you have to land there,
it gets a bit complicated.
Yes! That's it!
The exact opposite of what I said!
I can't fly straight.
No, no, straighten up,
otherwise you'll...
- I'm sorry.
- Don't worry.
Coming?
What is it? Are you angry?
What's wrong?
- Maria, listen...
- Peter!
Peter! Big problem in the car park!
As much as I know about mechanics,
this is...
Peter, are you alright?
I'll deal with this.
Do you happen to have
a heart rate monitor here?
Err, no.
Well make do with what we have,
I need one!
It's alright.
It'll be alright,
you're in good hands.
Luc! I'll need a number 12 spanner.
Why a number 12 spanner?
I know what I'm doing. Tac-Tac!
GPS.
Bish, bash, bosh. There you go.
"You are in the vaginal tunnel.
In two centimetres,
gently turn right."
Francette!
Clean sheets and hot water.
Peter.
- Yes?
- Beat-box.
Okay...
Joe!
Don't do anything.
"Estimated arrival
in five minutes."
Please, don't worry
I don't know how to do this
In any case, you need to push
Where on earth is the perineum?
Everything is going really well
Well, what do I know?
Push! Push! Push!
Oh my God, this is great!
Oh my God, I can see a foot!
When will this be over?
Just after the episiotomy
Would it hurt less
With an epidural?
Err, I don't have one.
Push! Push! Push!
Okay, it's fine.
Breathe!
Contract! Contract!
Breathe!
Push!
Push! Breathe!
Contract! Push!
Number 12 spanner!
Here.
Thanks.
Thank you.
"You have arrived
at your destination."
To Maria!
Here.
- She's a real champ!
- To Maria!
I'd say you've won your bet.
It's been a week.
Maria, will you marry me tomorrow?
Tomorrow?
Who are you?
Now that I know
I can no longer
be far from your arms
You are my journey, my home
Tomorrow, I'll marry you!
There's something you should know.
What?
Come with me.
Here we are.
Listen.
Peter!
Bloody hell!
Tell me, neighbour,
were you about to come
onto my land?
Your land?
You're getting into farming?
Aren't service stations
working out?
There's no competition,
it's no fun.
But enough about me, how are you?
I was worried,
I haven't heard from you.
I've very good thanks,
marvellous, in fact.
I'm getting married tomorrow!
Oh! What great news!
And this lovely lady is the bride,
I suppose?
Absolutely.
This is Maria, Maria Degrand.
- No!
- Ironic, isn't it?
Oh yes! She could be my daughter!
Pretty, honest and down-to-earth?
I don't think so.
Pretty and honest,
sweet illusions of blind love.
May you never be fooled.
If you don't believe it,
come to a happy event for once.
It's at 10 am tomorrow.
With pleasure!
I'll arrive near the end though.
I have important admin tasks
to complete for tomorrow morning,
concerning the promotion
of one of my best female workers.
Great. See you tomorrow.
Tomorrow it is!
And congratulations, Miss.
Rest assured, tomorrow,
your dream will come true!
Are you alright?
Wait, Maria...
I...
I love you.
I've never left
this service station.
- What?
- Never.
In all my life,
I've never left once.
What are you telling me?
The truth.
If I try to cross that line,
I don't know, I can't breathe,
it's like I'm suffocating...
You had me going for a minute!
What are you doing?
- This'll get me there.
- What?
Peter?
Peter? Peter!
I'm so stupid.
Good day, Madam!
Welcome to the marriage
of Peter and Maria!
I'll find you a nice space,
you'll see.
Sit yourself down here.
- Thank you.
- There you go...
The ushers are paid in tips...
- Oh, sorry.
- No problem.
Thank you.
Who wants to throw rice? Rice here!
- I'll take some rice.
- Sure thing.
There you go.
That'll be one euro.
That's not cheap...
Well, it is basmati.
Thank you!
Bish, bash, bosh!
Sweets, toffees,
chocolate, grains of rice...
- Hello!
- Hello.
I'm Peter, nice to meet you.
Sir.
Maria?
You could use this for a veil.
It's a bit heavy
but the colour's not bad.
Maria?
I have to say,
it's exactly like mine at home.
- Mr Degrand, I think it's time.
- Not yet!
Maria's gone!
Her bike isn't here.
Sorry, don't you mean her car?
Who cares about the brand?
Why ask about her bike's maker?
- Mr Degrand, I think it's time.
- Not yet.
John! It's time!
Wait!
There she is!
MR DEGRAND AND HIS DAUGHTER MARIE
Marie...
Welcome to my service station!
"Put your hands up in the air",
it's English!
A marriage, a divorce
And your entire life
comes tumbling down and collapses
You believed in love
You were snubbed off
I am the end
of your service station
The meteorite
to your Jurassic period
And so a great reptile
ends up as a fossil
And this service station
Will be, and don't be displeased,
Part of my empire, the firmament
You danced
Oh, I'm so happy!
This is now a construction site!
Tomorrow, we will erect
the biggest Degrand tower
ever built on the A440!
No! No!
There was no wedding.
- I beg your pardon?
- She's left, it's for the best.
She's gone!
It's in everyone's interest!
Hurts, doesn't it?
- Does it sting?
- Go away, don't come any closer.
Don't come any closer.
Yeah! That's right!
Does anyone here
want this guy to "get away"?
Yeah!
Peter?
I PROMISE, I'LL BE BACK
Control tower, authorising
take-off of 4L Charlie Tango.
I'm as free as the air
Peter! It's Luc! Respond! Peter!
Peter? Are you alright?
Peter, respond! Peter!
Are you alright? Do you read me?
Peter!
- It's alright, I crossed the line.
- Yes!
OTHER DIRECTIONS
INDUSTRIAL ZONE
Marie.
I prefer Maria.
Your breasts are like apples
I bite into them
You are stunned
Your ears are like chewing gum
Which I bite unashamedly
Tie up my hands
Treat me like a pig
I leave marks on my man
Like a snail from Bourgogne
I slap your backside
I'll be your mistress
I'll bump your other cheek
You little sinner
Give me your sweet caress
You doubt your weaknesses
Give me everything
Even your herpes
You are the Eva Perón
Of my testosterone
And you're the Che of my hormones
This is the revolution!
Come see, my sweet
The roses are in bloom
The finger on my klaxon
You've found the "on" button
I press all your buttons
Until they explode
You snore like a bison
It gives me the shivers
- All my short-comings go away
- Oh, yes?
- I'd think you were pretty...
- What?
Even if you had three nipples
Love makes us stupid
But it's oh-so good!
Laughing for no reason
In every position
On the floor and on the ceiling
We orgasm as we please
You're a little late.
Hold on, there was the light,
and the saucer...
Yeah, yeah, whatever...
Love makes us stupid
But it's oh-so good!
Laughing for no reason
In every position
On the floor and on the ceiling
We orgasm as we please
Love makes us stupid
But it's oh-so good!
Laughing for no reason
All the positions
On the floor and on the ceiling
We orgasm as we please
ASPHALT IS IN THE AIR
SUBTITLES: RED BEE MEDIA FRANCE