Coming Attractions (1978) - full transcript
Broad satire and buffoonery presented as a series of movie trailers. Among the titles and subjects are: "The Howard Huge Story", "Skate-boarders from Hell", "The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers", Woody Allen (pre-Mia), movie trailer come-ons, Charlie Chaplin, war movies, Billy Jack. The source of the title is presented about an hour into the film.
♫ We've got so much action
(funky music)
♫ So save your money
♫ Save your time
♫ It ain't a sneak preview
♫ You don't have to stand in line
♫ We got romantic stories
♫ We got epic glories
♫ With guys and gals who do it all night
♫ Well if you're in a drive-in movie
♫ Turn off your lights
(relaxing music)
- He was born to parents
who loved him, but probably didn't
change his diapers often enough.
He grew up to be one of the most bizarre,
and mysterious figures
of the 20th century.
His extreme wealth allowed
him to become powerful enough
to enable him to fulfill his
every fantasy, and lustful desire.
But his hobby was watching planes fuck.
Now, for the first time anywhere,
the motion picture screen
explores the true story
of one of the most
eccentric men who ever lived
The Howard Huge Story.
He dated the world's most
beautiful movie stars,
and took credit for inventing the tit.
Was it true he could piss the length
of the Golden Gate Bridge?
Watch The Howard Huge Story,
and find out why he switched from
cloth diapers to Pampers at the end.
The Howard Huge story.
The billionaire who lost his will to live.
(energetic music)
(engines rumbling)
- [Narrator] They were
born to wander aimlessly.
The only home they knew was
the one between their legs
until they found a sleepy little town
they wanted for their very own.
Skateborders From Hell!
(engines rumbling)
(wheels screeching)
(shouting)
♫ Any old way you choose it
♫ It's got a back beat you can't loose it
♫ Any old time you choose it
♫ It's gotta be rock and roll music
♫ If you want to dance with me
♫ If you want to dance with me
♫ I have no kick against modern jazz
- [Narrator] If one had a steady girl,
they all had a steady girl!
(cheering)
(chuckling)
If one got a dose, they all got a dose.
- Hey no way, I'm next.
- Come on get in there.
(grunting)
(man coughing)
Few outside their exclusive
world could understand their
bizarre sense of humor.
(thumping)
(crunching)
(laughing)
- Hey, hey!
(skateborders chattering)
- Hey get down, get down!
(chattering)
(rock music)
(comical whooshing)
(screaming)
- Shit!
- They may have been
full of bullshit, but they bled blood!
- Damien!
- You killed Damien man!
- Hey look it was an accident!
(chattering)
- I'm gonna cut you man!
(knife whooshing)
(shouting)
♫ Start playing that rock and roll music
♫ Any old way you choose it
♫ It's got a back beat you can't lose it
♫ Any old time you use it
(crashing)
♫ It's gotta be rock and roll music
- And they buried
♫ If you want to--
- their own.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
friends and relatives, (mumbles),
we are here to honor our
beloved brother, Damien.
You know, I remember many many years ago,
when we road together, many
a small town we plundered,
many a girl we gang raped, and
many a guy we almost killed.
- Hey hey.
- So Damien, wherever
you are tonight, we'll always know,
there'll be a skateborder, in Hell.
(mumbling)
- Hey!
(spitting)
- For Damien.
- No thanks I'm tripping.
- Oh good.
- Seriously though,
in fulfillment of the
most hallowed tradition,
in case of deceasement of a brother,
we therefore bury a deceased
chick with the deceased.
- No, no no, we were breaking up, really!
I told him earlier that day,
honest, we were through!
Really?
(echoing)
(energetic music)
(engines rumbling)
- [Narrator] Lock up
your sons and daughters,
here they come,
Skateborders from Hell!
(dramatic music)
(eerie electronic music)
- [Narrator] They came from
another planet, a dying planet!
All they sought were the means
to keep their civilization alive,
and they found what they
were looking for on Earth!
- [Man] Sorry honey, go back to sleep,
I'm just going to the John.
- [Woman] Okay dear.
(eerie tense music)
(screaming)
(grunting)
(moaning)
(eerie music)
(spring reverberating)
(screaming)
- [Narrator] They're still among us!
Who will be their next victims?
It could be you, or the
guy sitting next to you!
Check now, don't be caught
with your pants down!
See, The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers!
(eerie music)
(spring reverberating)
(dramatic music)
(blues harmonica music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Narrator] This is death row.
(dramatic music)
- How you doing Lefty?
(tense music)
- [Narrator] This is Lefty Schwartz.
He's been sentenced to
death, in the electric chair.
While in prison, Lefty's learned to make
better use of his time.
He's studying the law to better himself,
and hopefully get himself out of this
god-forsaken, inhuman man-made
hell of concrete and steel.
It's just too bad he killed a judge.
(steam hissing)
- It's all set, 3:51 tonight, pass it on!
- It's all set for 3:51 tonight.
I go to the chair at 5:30!
- We're busting out of this joint!
We dug a tunnel!
- Sam you dug a tunnel?
Wonderful!
Where?
- Do you, do you mind if I give it a try?
- Sam, where is the fucking tunnel?
- Excuse me Lefty, the
warden has a message for you.
(Sam humming)
- Hold on a second.
(coin jingling)
- Thank you Lefty.
- Dear Lefty, please give my wife
your recipe for stroganoff.
We are entertaining the governor,
and some members of the press.
We're planning to stay up
and watch the execution.
Also, would you recommend a good wine?
The warden.
- There,
your shirt is all finished,
it's beautiful ah?
See you tonight, at the
tunnel, say about three!
- It's not bad.
Sam wait a minute!
Sam wait you didn't tell
me where the tunnel was!
(classical chamber music)
(utensils clattering)
(spitting)
What the hell is this crap?
You call this quiche?
It's slop, and this bouillabaisse,
is nothing but tripe!
- That's right!
- Yeah!
(inmates shouting)
- (mumbles) get the nerve to serve this?
Do you believe this?
Domestic chianti!
- No!
- What do they think
we are, anyway, a bunch
of Spanish peasants?
(inmates chattering)
Who made chocolate mousse?
You gotta use real cream,
or you don't make it at all!
You know what?
(glass shattering)
(inmates shouting)
I wanna see the warden!
I wanna see the chef that made this crap!
- [Inmates] Use real cream!
Use real cream!
Use real cream!
Use real cream!
(blues harmonica music)
(suspenseful music)
- Goodbye my son!
- Let's go Lefty!
- Bye bye!
- Hold on a second,
I just want to show you this one article!
- Time's up!
- No it's a, it's
an interesting article!
- Time's up buddy.
- Let me finish this!
Hold on a second!
- Come on.
(mumbling)
Come on!
- [Narrator] And finally, Lefty's
moment of truth had arrived!
- [Guard] Hold it, hold it!
The warden's coming!
- [Narrator] And it was time
to walk that last 100 yards.
(suspenseful harmonica music)
(panting)
- I just wanted to tell you Lefty,
the stroganoff was delicious!
We're having roast tomorrow,
and the missus was wondering
if you wouldn't mind holding this, huh?
- Warden wait, is there
any word from the governor?
- Uh, too much paprika, but he liked it.
(dramatic music)
(speaking foreign language)
- Did anybody ever find
out where that tunnel was?
Did anybody?
♫ So I say, it's a gray town
♫ It's a wonderful town
♫ It's the kind of a town I admire
♫ Da-Doot en do-do-do.
(honking)
(whistling)
(slapping)
(singing)
- One, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, five four and!
One, two, three, four!
- [Narrator] Three Chairs for Lefty!
See it, and you too will say, well done!
(perky music)
- He's funny, he's Duddy.
Duddy Allen in The Sneaker.
- I wish I knew what
it is I'm doing wrong!
I went out and I bought new clothes.
I didn't bath or shave for days.
I did everything you told me and Louise
still won't take me back!
- Now see here kid!
You gotta stop trying to
be like me, it won't work.
- Yeah but you, you always had women
falling all over themselves
just to get to you!
They'd kill for you.
They probably all fuck
like bunnies on their
first date, huh?
- Now who is this you're talking about?
- You, Clark Gable!
- I'm not Clark Gable!
- You're not?
- Hell no!
God are you a shit!
- Who are you?
- Sid Ronkowski!
- Sid Ronkowski?
Why have I been taking advice
from you all this time?
Why didn't you just say something?
I thought you were my fantasy, my idol!
- I don't know.
You came by this spot one day and started
talking out loud, asking a
bunch of stupid-ass questions,
I was off taking a leak in
the bushes and overheard you.
I thought I'd help you out!
- You look amazingly like Clark Gable.
It's uncanny.
- You think so?
- Really.
- No!
Anyway, I can't wait to
hear, did you call Louise
on the phone like I told you to?
- She cut off her phone service.
- Oh, that, I...
Have you tried dating other women?
- Last night.
- Hmm?
- Margie.
- Good, how did it go?
- I don't know, I thought
we had a good time.
So I really can't say
that existential nihilism
is the only way to go.
Personally, that is for me, I tend to lean
toward Zen with Zionist tendencies.
(mumbles) do a thorough
study of the neo-platonic
relationship of chlorophyll to Retsin.
In other words everything
is predestined to
Chicago or New York.
Subjunctive subjectivity
on the other hand tells us,
that within the realm
of eternal halitosis,
and the softer as duplicity of nature,
we're all one and one for all.
(chuckles) I uh, I practice
transcontinental meditation,
and, have found new morality,
and insights into...
(snoring)
- Guy comes in he says
"Bartender start 'em up
"for everybody on me!"
He says "What about me?"
He says "Forget it, when
you drink you get nasty!"
(laughing)
- Louise!
(gasping)
Louise!
I gotta talk to you!
- Duddy!
Once and for all will
you please go away and
leave me alone, we are through!
Over, ended, finished, psst!
That's it!
- Gee I was hoping for
something more definite.
(groaning)
- Honey, would you let
me take care of it please?
- You talking to me?
I don't see anybody else around,
you must be talking to me!
Let me tell you something,
these hands are registered with UCLA!
Oh boy!
Hey, hey I'd really like
to, but I just remembered,
I uh, I ate and I have to wait
an hour, I could get cramped!
(gasps) Nice cologne, that musk?
(chuckling)
(screaming)
(water splashing)
- [Narrator] When Duddy's
wife won't take him back,
(comical music)
what's this,
he resorts to drugs!
For three hours Duddy turns into
a used car salesman.
- Yoo-hoo, yes, you you
schmuck, look at this!
$52,000 I'll give you a car, what a car!
We're wheelin' we're dealin' here!
Terrific, you, pop,
come here, look at this!
We're gonna cover the
windshield, big tires!
(mumbling)
So anyway my mother
threw me out of the house
when I was 3 1/2, I've
never been the same since.
- Hey kid, you talk too damn much!
Put your hands on her, take her bra off!
- Okay, but I'm not too
good at this kind of thing.
- Yeah that's it, don't be shy!
Touch her tit!
Go on, touch it!
- Do you want to hear my moose story, I--
- God damn it you ineffectual pipsqueak!
I'd be going down on her by now!
Go down on her!
- No I can't do that!
- Go on, go down on her!
- No no, (mumbles).
- Go down on her god dammit!
- It's our first date!
Do you want to go to a
Tupperware party (mumbles)?
(gasping)
(honkytonk music)
- The Sneaker, coming soon!
(serene music)
- In the middle of
North-Central Asia, virtually untouched
by commerciality, lies
the newest chic playground
of the international, smart set!
A breathtaking journey
to the lower regions
of beautiful Mongolia, brings us
face to face with the mystery
and magic of the Gobi!
Come with us now as we
walk down the ancient
boulevard of the gods, in
this 500,000-square mile
desert resort community!
(wind howling)
A gentle ocean breeze ruffles our hair,
as we tour this huge, undeveloped plateau.
Formerly a barren desert,
the Gobi was turned
into the empire and thriving metropolis
that we see today, through
the inspired leadership
of Genghis Khan, way
back in the 13th century.
The national bird of the
Gobi is the friendly,
outgoing vulture.
(vulture cawing)
This beautiful intelligent
bird can be trained
to sit on your head on command.
(engine starter grinding)
Wildlife abounds in the lush vegetation.
This is a true paradise.
(coughing)
The shifting, whispering sands
uncover many a tale of intrigue,
and tell us much of the
lifestyle of the ancients.
And like the blowing
sands, we too must move on,
and uncover more mysteries and magic
of other playgrounds of the world.
Taking leave of our newly made friends,
and their quaint food-free diets,
it is time to wave a tearful farewell to
the magic of the Gobi!
(dramatic music)
(tranquil music)
- Hello, I'm Buddy Hackett,
and I've been asked
to speak to you on behalf
of an organization known as,
S-T-O-P-I-T, STOPIT, or the
Society to Oppress and
Prevent Involuntary Tinkling.
It's a totally non-profit institution.
As national chairperson this year,
(water splashing)
I decided to pay a visit
to the institute.
Here on the grounds of their main facility
in Watertown, New York,
we see many of the cures
being tried to stop the flood.
One of the newest and
most effective methods
they're using here at STOPIT,
is negative reinforcement training.
Now let's listen in.
- (mumbles) How many
times do I have to tell
you, you big sissy,
you're nothing, you big baby!
Do you know what a disappointment you are
to your mother and father?
If I had a hammer--
- Pardon me but
aren't you being a bit rough on him?
- What's it to you Mac?
The kid won't stop pissing!
What are you, a piss freak or something?
- Hello again.
Now this is Robert, isn't it?
Can you tell everyone out there,
why you're here with us today.
Well it's because you're
the STOPIT poster boy
for this year, isn't that right?
Well, Bob is well on his way to becoming
a normal healthy young man, all
due to the never-ending work
of STOPIT, right Bobby?
(splattering)
Right now, theater ushers
are starting to move
up this theater's aisles, with tin cups
that will soon be pissed,
er, passed down your row.
When that cup of kindness reaches you,
I hope you will find it in your hearts
to reach way in and pull
out whatever you can
to deposit in the cup!
Do it for the kids or do it for yourself!
You'll feel relieved that you did!
Thanks.
(pleasant music)
(tender music)
♫ We know that you're stoned
♫ And your sugar level's low
♫ We've got a place, where you can go
♫ If you're high you'll think it grand
♫ Right here in the lobby,
the refreshment stand
♫ Won't you try, juicy, juicy fruits
♫ Malted milk balls (mumbles)
(metallic clicking)
♫ Don't forget
♫ One run to the toilet
♫ Chooey, gooey, plastic
♫ If you got the munchies
then this is the time
♫ Hot buttered popcorn will blow your mind
♫ We don't think you understand
♫ The way we break even's at the
(cash register jingling)
♫ Refreshment stand
♫ Are you high
♫ Maui, Maui Wowee
♫ Or Jamaican or Columbo, Mexico, Africana
♫ Don't forget
♫ Natural Soy Beanettes
(brassy carnival music)
(festive carnival music)
- [Narrator] What happens when this
movie mongrel exchanges bodies with
a famous motion picture mogul?
- Wait a minute Roy!
- Walt Whizney Productions
- Roy come back!
- has done it again!
- Roy, Roy!
- You'll howl with delight
when you see
- The Shaggy Studio Chief
- Come back Roy wait a minute!
Roy, oh you asshole!
(dramatic music)
- Hello sir, how are you today?
- Don't ask!
Look, I'd like to rent a car right away!
- Okay, will that be cash or credit card?
- Credit card, ah, I seem
to have lost my wallet.
I, I seem to have lost my pockets!
- Much as I'd like to help you,
I'm afraid we're gonna
need some of those things
in order to rent you a car.
- What, I'm Walt Whizney, Walt Whizney!
(comically weary music)
Thanks for the ride.
So long, pal!
(engine rumbling)
Wasn't bad, you hippy creep.
- Been dead less than a week
and already we've (mumbles).
- [Narrator] Yes it's another
fun-filled laugh riot,
as the Whizney Studios goes to the dogs!
- I'm sorry I'm late, I got hung up
chasing cars!
- Mr. Whizney I am sorry,
I tried to stop him!
(comically cheerful music)
- [Walt] Put me down!
- Get the fuck out of here!
- God dammit put me down!
I-I can handle all of your asses!
Put, put me down you god damn fairies!
(grunting)
(sniffing)
- [Narrator] Will Walt
regain control of the studio
before Roy has him neutered?
(car horn honking)
- Okay, Roy, Roy!
- Don't miss it!
The laugh riot of this
and many a year to come!
See Walt Whizney's latest,
(Walt yelling)
The Shaggy Studio Chief!
(car horn honking)
And on the same program,
the academy award winning,
Walt Whizney short,
The Calf who Thought she was a Chicken!
(energetic folk music)
(clucking)
- Well howdy folks!
Welcome to our place!
Gee you caught me on one of my busy days!
I was just wringing the necks of
a couple chickens here!
You wanna watch, it's kind of interesting?
Jeez I remember the first couple
of hundred times I did it.
(laughing)
I threw up all over myself (laughs)!
Kept that up for a couple of months.
But hell you get used to even that!
Anyway, Pa's up in the kitchen.
He's been expecting 'ya!
Hey Pa, we got company,
get your britches on!
- Ah, excuse me!
(sighing)
Did you have ever snort Buckwheat?
It's not bad.
(sniffing)
Whoa-ah!
Ah, I really get off on that stuff.
Ma don't like me to use it, but I told her
it clears up my hayfever!
(sniffing)
Ummm.
But say, you came here
to see some of the scenes
from that moving picture me and Ma made.
Ma and Pa Take Francis to New York,
and here I go talking a mile a minute.
(sniffing)
Hmm, must be the rush
of that buckwheat to my head!
But I'm all set to go here, so sit back,
and have yourself a chuckle, or two.
(whirring)
(clacking)
(horse whinnying)
- How's it going?
(snorting)
- Who said that?
Who's here?
- I did dummy, over here!
The name's Francis (snorts).
- Oh I'm not hearing this, it can't be!
You're a pig, and pigs don't talk!
- I wouldn't bet on it buster,
your old lady's a pig and
all she ever does is talk!
- Ma!
Ma, you better come here!
- Oh, what's the matter
for crying out loud?
- That there pig just spoke to me Ma!
- Ah, shut up and listen!
I got us a plan where we can make us all
a lot of fast dough!
Now listen, we go to New York see,
I got a friend that
works in the post office,
(mumbling)
(snorting)
- Uh huh.
(snorting)
(exciting industrious music)
Hi there Ma!
- Ooh, for heaven's sakes, Pa!
You're sex mad, that's
what's the matter with you!
Gonna have to go to the
John to get some privacy!
- I love New York, what a town!
(knocking)
- Open up!
- Hey, we're having an orgy,
amscray!
- Howdy.
- I'm the hotel detective.
And...
My god, a pig!
You know you're not allowed
to have a pig in here!
- Oh that's Francis.
- Get rid of that pig!
You understand?
- Take a walk putz, or
I'll cream 'ya (snorts)!
- What did you just say?
- Oh I didn't say that!
That was Francis, he can talk!
- He can talk, can he?
You, get rid of the pig!
Or you check out, hear me?
- You're one ugly son of
a bitch you know that?
You're mother sucks cocks in hell!
- Oh, now wait just a minute!
That was the pig!
You see he's going to make
us all rich, he can talk.
Say something for the man
Francis, go ahead now!
Talk to the man!
- I, am gonna ignore that last remark,
on account of you're a crazy old man,
but, I don't want to hear another word!
You get me?
Not a peep!
- Yes sir!
- [Francis] Commie fag hippy queen!
- That does it!
I am no commie!
(thumping)
- You got a great hook there lefty!
- Well thank you, I was
in the Golden Gloves...
(lively folk music)
- Well folks, that's all the film
we have to show you now.
You'll have to pay your 50 cents
if you want to see the rest.
Isn't that right Ma?
- Oh, who gives a rat's ass anyway?
Get of the table will 'ya,
(chicken clucking)
for god's sakes!
I told 'ya to ask for a
percentage of this film.
But oh no, not you!
You said, "Ma, nobody's going
to see this motion picture,
"nobody wants to see two old geezers
"make fools out of themselves!"
Well a lot of people do!
Oh well you ain't got the
brains you was born with!
Lose your balls if they weren't attached.
- Now visit us again real soon, you hear?
- Love to see you folks!
- Fu-Fu-Fu-Fuck off, folks!
(dramatic piano music)
(perky piano music)
(dramatic music)
(energetic piano music)
(relaxing piano music)
(lively music)
(orchestra tuning)
(applauding)
- [Man] Hey you're not Pavlova Pavlova!
Get off the stage, bring out Pavlova!
- [Woman] Hey, no smoking in the theater!
- Ladies and gent--
(audience shouting)
Ladies and gentlemen, I have to make a uh,
disturbing announcement concerning
this afternoon's performance (chuckles)!
You see uh, Pavlova Pavlova,
our prima ballerina is, uh,
- Get rid of the mustache!
- she's sick, (chuckles)!
- They don't care!
- Very sick,
And uh so,
- You're kidding, come on!
We want our money back!
- There will be no,
performance of the Scuffed Shoes, tonight.
(audience booing)
Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen please
you must, you must
understand our situation!
Hey, listen, she's, the
girl's, I don't know
how to tell you this but, she's,
she's been taken with
a serious case of dead!
- Prop her up!
- This,
now look, the girl is dead!
Hey listen,
(audience yelling)
(audience booing)
Piss off!
(classic ballet music)
(applauding)
Can anybody stop these things!
My feets is killing me!
- [Narrator] He didn't know
a tour jete from shinola,
but he danced, and he
danced, and he danced!
(gun firing)
Until he was shot the following morning.
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
(applauding)
- Thank you...
(imperious music)
- Yeah I'm a war correspondent.
Name's Piles, Ernie Piles.
A lot of human stories
came out of World War II.
These guys, well, each one of 'em's
got his own story to tell.
- Oh, you've got watermarks on those!
(spitting)
- Who's kidding who?
Hell, I'm no good to
anyone with these utensils.
I can't finish half the meal.
I had to choose between
a fork and a spoon?
I can't eat spaghetti, I can't have soup!
- Quit complaining, you
think you got it bad,
what about me?
Three years in hell.
Lay your life down for your country
and what does it get you?
A god damn plate in your head!
- Yeah, all these guys came
back to tell their stories.
But, there are thousands
upon thousands of GIs,
gyrenes and swabbies who
just, never came back.
So it's up to guys like
me to tell it for 'em,
and this is my tribute to
those brave American kids
who fought and died to make this country
the land of the free and
the home of the brave.
(explosion booming)
- Come on, move out!
(thrilling music)
(guns firing)
- Come on get in here!
- Come on get in here,
come on!
- Get in here!
- Come on!
- Get in here!
- Come on!
- Will you get
in the fox hole!
- Get in here!
- Now get into your hole!
- Listen, I can't help it if
I gotta fight alongside him,
but I ain't jumping in no
fox hole with no nigger!
(machines gun firing)
- If you ask any GI who survived,
the most important thing he
learned in basic training,
he'll tell you grab all
the sack time you can.
Those five brave boys
shared this barracks.
And now they share a fox hole in hell.
But, for a while there, this was home.
Wasn't always this quiet though.
This was Private Smitt's bunk.
And this, well this was his locker.
- [Woman Voiceover] Oh darling Dwayne!
I miss you so much!
It is hot here and I find
myself throbbing all over
when I think of you!
I took a walk last night,
past the tree where
you carved our initials
and I started to pulsate
just thinking about
the night we spent
(moaning)
in your car, under that tree, just before
you headed back to camp.
I strolled over to the library,
and sat on the big old cannon,
just straddling my legs,
in the town square.
And it, it reminded me, of
the first time we made love.
I miss you Dwayne!
I must have you again
soon or I shall go mad!
I don't suppose you have
much time to think about me,
but when you do always
remember I love you,
and I'll do anything you want me too,
just to make you happy.
Anything!
(rhythmic banging)
(bomb whistling)
(explosion booming)
(gun firing)
- I can't take it no more,
you gotta let me outta here!
I gotta get outta here!
Feet, don't fail me now!
- Lenny don't get out
there, there's a mine field!
You'll never make it!
(explosion booming)
Aww Lenny!
(explosions booming)
How you doing Lenny?
- I figure I've been hit, Sarge!
(explosion booming)
(metal clattering)
(moaning)
(hooting)
(laughing)
(sighing)
(panting)
- Oh hi, back already.
Uh, uh...
Well uh, off uh, offshore,
are I uh, submarine crew,
uh, nervously awaits our commandos.
(tense music)
(sonar pinging)
(windy sputtering)
(explosion booming)
- [Narrator] Just a Run in the Sun.
(pleasant music)
(wind howling)
(hooves clattering)
(tense percussion music)
(townsfolk chattering)
(piano music)
- Please, I want my rag,
it is religious law!
(tense music)
- The only good Indian
is a dead Indian!
Now get back to (mumbles)!
- No no!
No no no no no, no no no no!
Do not kill them!
To my people, the cowboy is sacred!
The cow, and the cowboy!
They are sacred.
You must not kill him!
Our sacred cowboy!
(brassy rustic music)
(gun firing)
(horse whinnying)
Perhaps, you didn't understand.
(eerie tense music)
- What, you see--
- What you see!
- What is what?
- What is this?
- What is--
- Indian (mumbles).
- We must see what this...
- We must see (mumbles)
(Indians chattering)
- Quick, put-a your hat on!
She's maybe a bounty hunter,
and now you don't want
her to know you have a price on your head!
That's-a nice.
(tense harmonica music)
(plunky piano music)
- So, how long-a you been
with Don Corlioni?
- Two years, before that
it was Don Avichi for six,
Don Rickles for three.
- Hey, you, silent stranger.
I'm-a come to get you!
Oh boy, you gonna be one dead man!
Show yourself, show yourself-a!
(gun firing)
(glass breaking)
(gun firing)
(glass breaking)
(gun firing)
- What it is,
what do you have there in
your hand, you, you fakir!
- What do you have in
your hand there, stranger?
You make me so mad!
Pinch his privates!
(gun firing)
This is going to hurt you
a lot more than it does me!
I'd kill him you
son-of-a-bitch, the asshole!
Kill him, and kill him, and kill him!
God dammit I lost my beads, god dammit now
I'm really pissed off, where
are my beads, my beads!
My beads!
- Here!
- Where, where, where?
(gun firing)
(comical music)
(horse whinnying)
(cheery country music)
♫ Once I thought--
- Hey baby will you
turn off that damn country music,
I can't take it no more!
Can you find out where we at?
- No.
- Jesus Christ.
(engine rumbling)
(crickets chirping)
Ow, baby we done cut loose on the juice!
It's on empty, oh!
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] A musician and his girl,
lost in the southern back wood,
out of gas and a long way from home.
(crickets chirping)
(coyote howling)
(dramatic music)
(drums beating)
(dramatic music)
- Howdy there folks.
It's kind of a strange place to be
practicing your drums, son.
Son what'd you say your name was?
- Look I didn't say, but it's
Elijah Abdul Jamal Mohammed.
- What a pretty name.
Elijah Abdul Jamal Mohammed.
I Like it.
You must be Boobies.
- How did you know my name?
(dramatic music)
- Just a wild guess.
Yep.
(inhaling sharply)
Here this'll make you feel better.
Come on, take a hit, good shit!
Some of my home grown,
seeds are Columbian.
Suit yourself.
That is, there's some coke there in the
glove compartment if you
want a couple of snorts.
(dramatic music)
You know, what the oldest living animal's
supposed to be is the Lake
Sturgeon, do you believe that?
Can you believe that, Lake Sturgeon, 152.
- 152 years, I always
thought it was a turtle.
(dramatic music)
- Sheriff Bob done told
me about your troubles.
Why don't you take cabin
number nine at the end there?
- Come on!
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] A strange night,
a strange time,
- I just know it!
- [Narrator] a strange town.
And a very strange sheriff.
- Cannot put my finger on!
- Why are they so nice to us?
- I don't know, I don't know!
And you stop picking on me!
(dramatic music)
- Howdy there folks, my name's Delmus!
I parked your van out
there and brought you
some food there to eat, thought you might
want to chow down.
We got some hot chicken, it
looks like some potatoes,
and some cole slaw...
Boy you sure are a pretty
lady you know that?
Anyone ever tell you that before?
Look like a little bunny rabbit
sitting there on the edge of the bed,
all fluffy and white like that.
Pink parts aren't bad either.
- May I help you?
- Thank you.
The color of your eyes, so pretty!
- Now just a minute you dumb shit kicker!
- What'd you call me fella?
(dramatic music)
- Shit kicker!
- Shit kicker?
You just call me shit kicker, huh?
Did you call me shit kicker?
(dramatic music)
(wincing)
Shit kicker.
Shit kicker...
Would that be like uh, like kicking shit,
you know, shit kick, shit kicker?
(laughs) Wait a minute, you mean,
I'm a shit kicker, right (chuckles)?
(laughing)
(mumbling)
I bet that's why we got
these pointed boots you know,
with toes like that, you can kick shit
in the corners (chuckles)!
(laughing)
Ah that's good,
I love that (mumbles)!
I'll see you'all, have a good time!
Hey Jim Bob, wait up over there,
you old shit kicker you!
(laughing)
(sobbing)
- [Narrator] How much more
could two people take?
(dramatic music)
Terrified, hungry,
tired, sleepy, but they
dare not drop their guard!
Something must be wrong.
Why else were these people
so nice, so kind to them?
- Oh baby!
(engine rumbling)
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
- How you doing this morning?
(giggling)
(perky country music)
Bye!
- [Narrator] Some day you
may find yourself in some
small town where everyone
is ever so nice to you!
Welcome to Bacon County!
- You'all come back, okay?
Bye!
(orchestra tuning)
- [Narrator] Previews
from That's Sexploitation!
With all the biggest
stars and the other star,
and scenes from the Happy
Hooker Goes Down on Washington!
2069, a Space Orgy.
The Spy Who Bit Me.
And All the President's Girls.
Coming soon, That's Sexploitation!
- [All] N-T-R-A-L!
Central!
- [Narrator] Yes they're back, those three
all-American boys who rah-rahed
their way into your hearts
in the Pom Pom Boys, and
have they ever got problems!
- Boy you sure look great!
Hey how's the team feeling about the big
Girl's Basketball game
coming up with Hamilton High?
- (groans) Not very
good Warren (chuckles).
Oh Betty's got this knee, and without her
I just don't see how
we're gonna stand a chance
against their big center, Zelda.
- Yeah, she scored 27 even
with Betty playing last year.
- I'm aware of that.
- What you need?
I wish there was some
way we guys could help.
- Maybe there is one,
(chuckles) maybe there is!
- Well what is it Ann, for
god's sake tell me, please!
- Well it has been rumored,
that the only thing big Zelda loves to do
more than stuff a ball in the hoop,
is to stuff something else somewhere else.
- You mean--
- A little sex (chuckles)!
That's it you know, sex.
I mean if you boys could manage to tire
Big Zelda out tonight,
maybe she wouldn't be
so formidable tomorrow.
- I don't know Ann, I'll
have to talk to the guys.
I'll call you later.
- Thanks Warren.
Now remember, it's for the
whole school, and especially me.
- [Warren] I'll see 'ya,
I'll call 'ya later.
Bye!
- [Narrator] All season long they had
rooted their team home,
could they get it up for one more game?
- Well I vote we do it.
I mean after all, it is
the game of the season,
we owe it to the girls.
- Ah, okay count me in.
- Me too.
- All right.
- I'm taking a shower.
- [News Announcer] Where
it's once again Jamar versus
Bill Waltman, Kareem versus
the Mountain Man, last year--
(festive music)
- [Narrator] Each gave his
all for the team and then
gave it again, and then
again, and then again.
- [Zelda] Hey get in here, I
want more, you get in here!
(cheerful music)
- Start the car!
(engine rumbling)
- [Narrator] Were they successful?
Find out soon when the
Pop Pom Boys returns
to a theater near you!
(heavenly music)
(dramatic music)
(rattling)
(tense music)
- [Narrator] Confused,
Billy seeks guidance
from the wisdom of the ancients.
He returns to his power
place for a rendezvous
with the spirits.
(rattling)
(whip snapping)
- Ah!
(dramatic music)
- Thanks mister, you just saved us from
the wicked bitch of
the North by Southwest!
- You mean witch.
- This witch was a real bitch!
Come on!
(cheerful music)
- When in Oz...
To hell with it.
Howdy.
Say can you tell us how
to get to Emerald City?
- Emerald City, aw shucks, you don't want
to go to Emerald City.
Ah well I mean it used
to be a nice place to go,
back 30, 40 years ago
maybe, but not now, hell no!
They got people living
there five to a hut!
They got smog like you wouldn't believe,
and whatever you do,
don't drink the water!
- No shit?
- No shit.
Oh, ah hey would you two fellers
maybe give me a hand here?
- Boy, he's well hung isn't he?
(cheerful music)
- That's it, that's it, good!
- Oil can, oil can!
- Boy, I feel a whole lot better now!
(chuckles) I'm stuffed!
Well, thanks Billy, and thank you shorty!
- Shorty?
Did I just hear you
call that midget shorty?
When I hear somebody call
a friend of mine shorty,
or pygmy, or shrimp or half-pint or--
- Billy!
- or Billy, or tiny, or
teeny tiny, anyway, when
I hear words like that,
words filled with hate, and reeking with
a total lack of respect for the simple,
basic god-given innate
dignity of mankind, well I...
Oh sure he's short, (mumbles), literally,
yeah he's even teeny tiny maybe,
but when I see injustice perpetrated,
when I see such a total lack
of regard for even these
silly, insignificant little squirts,
then I go fucking crazy!
(rustling)
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] And now this
theater is proud to present
the first all talking, all singing,
all brown, musical short,
Dark Town, After Dark.
(lazy jazz music)
(thunder rumbling)
(wind howling)
- Hey Calvin,
I want you to pass these
around to the guys,
a little something I wrote
up on the way over here.
(perky horn music)
♫ Well I woke up this afternoon
♫ And I felt that
everything was pretty much
♫ Okay
♫ That's good
♫ And I made love to my baby
♫ In my usual way
♫ That's even better
♫ I tried to put on my shoes
and they were too tight
♫ They would not fit
♫ Then I went to use the convenience
♫ And almost froze my toes
♫ Here's how it goes
♫ A one two three four
♫ Five six seven eight
♫ Now I'm returning my Nobel Peace Prize
♫ All my Oscars (mumbles)
my Pulitzer Prize
♫ Some folks look at my medals with greed
♫ I just laugh at them all and say
♫ All I really need is well is well, is uh
♫ Getting tight pussy loose
shoes and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ That's it
♫ That's it
♫ Now I don't want a new Cadillac
♫ And I don't care if I sit
in the front or the back
♫ You can keep your daughter
unless she real young
♫ 'Cause those rumors are
true and I'm really hung
♫ On what
♫ Boys
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ That's it
♫ That's it
♫ Now you won't find me
in a watermelon patch
♫ Out with the boys
digging up some scratch
♫ Just to buy some
muggles, or maybe some hash
♫ And I'm not usually
invited to a Republican bash
♫ Unless they got, well, you know
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ That's it
♫ That's it
♫ Tight pussy, loose shoes
♫ And a warm place to shit
(applauding)
- [Narrator] That's Dark Town After Dark!
(perky music)
♫ Coming attractions we've got
♫ So much action so save
your money, save your time
♫ This ain't a sneak preview
♫ You don't have to stand in line
♫ We got romantic stories,
we got epic glories
♫ We've got gals who so it all night
♫ If you're in a drive-in movie
♫ Turn on your lights
♫ B-B-B-B-B-B boop boop boop boop
♫ B-B-B-B-B-B boop boop boop boop
♫ Boop boop boop boop boo, hoo hoo
♫ Coming attractions, we
got, cut into fractions
♫ We're after you know who
♫ Well if we milk you,
they'll be coming too
♫ All right
♫ If it's a comedy, if it's a tragedy
♫ We took out a lie
♫ All right
♫ Laughing and joke, till (mumbles) clock
♫ All right
♫ You hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, ow
♫ B-B-B-B-B-B boop boop boop boop
♫ Boop boop boop boop boo, hoo hoo
♫ Coming attractions,
we got, so much action
♫ So save your money, save your time
♫ It ain't a sneak preview,
you don't have to stand in line
♫ Boy
(funky music)
♫ So save your money
♫ Save your time
♫ It ain't a sneak preview
♫ You don't have to stand in line
♫ We got romantic stories
♫ We got epic glories
♫ With guys and gals who do it all night
♫ Well if you're in a drive-in movie
♫ Turn off your lights
(relaxing music)
- He was born to parents
who loved him, but probably didn't
change his diapers often enough.
He grew up to be one of the most bizarre,
and mysterious figures
of the 20th century.
His extreme wealth allowed
him to become powerful enough
to enable him to fulfill his
every fantasy, and lustful desire.
But his hobby was watching planes fuck.
Now, for the first time anywhere,
the motion picture screen
explores the true story
of one of the most
eccentric men who ever lived
The Howard Huge Story.
He dated the world's most
beautiful movie stars,
and took credit for inventing the tit.
Was it true he could piss the length
of the Golden Gate Bridge?
Watch The Howard Huge Story,
and find out why he switched from
cloth diapers to Pampers at the end.
The Howard Huge story.
The billionaire who lost his will to live.
(energetic music)
(engines rumbling)
- [Narrator] They were
born to wander aimlessly.
The only home they knew was
the one between their legs
until they found a sleepy little town
they wanted for their very own.
Skateborders From Hell!
(engines rumbling)
(wheels screeching)
(shouting)
♫ Any old way you choose it
♫ It's got a back beat you can't loose it
♫ Any old time you choose it
♫ It's gotta be rock and roll music
♫ If you want to dance with me
♫ If you want to dance with me
♫ I have no kick against modern jazz
- [Narrator] If one had a steady girl,
they all had a steady girl!
(cheering)
(chuckling)
If one got a dose, they all got a dose.
- Hey no way, I'm next.
- Come on get in there.
(grunting)
(man coughing)
Few outside their exclusive
world could understand their
bizarre sense of humor.
(thumping)
(crunching)
(laughing)
- Hey, hey!
(skateborders chattering)
- Hey get down, get down!
(chattering)
(rock music)
(comical whooshing)
(screaming)
- Shit!
- They may have been
full of bullshit, but they bled blood!
- Damien!
- You killed Damien man!
- Hey look it was an accident!
(chattering)
- I'm gonna cut you man!
(knife whooshing)
(shouting)
♫ Start playing that rock and roll music
♫ Any old way you choose it
♫ It's got a back beat you can't lose it
♫ Any old time you use it
(crashing)
♫ It's gotta be rock and roll music
- And they buried
♫ If you want to--
- their own.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
friends and relatives, (mumbles),
we are here to honor our
beloved brother, Damien.
You know, I remember many many years ago,
when we road together, many
a small town we plundered,
many a girl we gang raped, and
many a guy we almost killed.
- Hey hey.
- So Damien, wherever
you are tonight, we'll always know,
there'll be a skateborder, in Hell.
(mumbling)
- Hey!
(spitting)
- For Damien.
- No thanks I'm tripping.
- Oh good.
- Seriously though,
in fulfillment of the
most hallowed tradition,
in case of deceasement of a brother,
we therefore bury a deceased
chick with the deceased.
- No, no no, we were breaking up, really!
I told him earlier that day,
honest, we were through!
Really?
(echoing)
(energetic music)
(engines rumbling)
- [Narrator] Lock up
your sons and daughters,
here they come,
Skateborders from Hell!
(dramatic music)
(eerie electronic music)
- [Narrator] They came from
another planet, a dying planet!
All they sought were the means
to keep their civilization alive,
and they found what they
were looking for on Earth!
- [Man] Sorry honey, go back to sleep,
I'm just going to the John.
- [Woman] Okay dear.
(eerie tense music)
(screaming)
(grunting)
(moaning)
(eerie music)
(spring reverberating)
(screaming)
- [Narrator] They're still among us!
Who will be their next victims?
It could be you, or the
guy sitting next to you!
Check now, don't be caught
with your pants down!
See, The Invasion of the Penis Snatchers!
(eerie music)
(spring reverberating)
(dramatic music)
(blues harmonica music)
(suspenseful music)
- [Narrator] This is death row.
(dramatic music)
- How you doing Lefty?
(tense music)
- [Narrator] This is Lefty Schwartz.
He's been sentenced to
death, in the electric chair.
While in prison, Lefty's learned to make
better use of his time.
He's studying the law to better himself,
and hopefully get himself out of this
god-forsaken, inhuman man-made
hell of concrete and steel.
It's just too bad he killed a judge.
(steam hissing)
- It's all set, 3:51 tonight, pass it on!
- It's all set for 3:51 tonight.
I go to the chair at 5:30!
- We're busting out of this joint!
We dug a tunnel!
- Sam you dug a tunnel?
Wonderful!
Where?
- Do you, do you mind if I give it a try?
- Sam, where is the fucking tunnel?
- Excuse me Lefty, the
warden has a message for you.
(Sam humming)
- Hold on a second.
(coin jingling)
- Thank you Lefty.
- Dear Lefty, please give my wife
your recipe for stroganoff.
We are entertaining the governor,
and some members of the press.
We're planning to stay up
and watch the execution.
Also, would you recommend a good wine?
The warden.
- There,
your shirt is all finished,
it's beautiful ah?
See you tonight, at the
tunnel, say about three!
- It's not bad.
Sam wait a minute!
Sam wait you didn't tell
me where the tunnel was!
(classical chamber music)
(utensils clattering)
(spitting)
What the hell is this crap?
You call this quiche?
It's slop, and this bouillabaisse,
is nothing but tripe!
- That's right!
- Yeah!
(inmates shouting)
- (mumbles) get the nerve to serve this?
Do you believe this?
Domestic chianti!
- No!
- What do they think
we are, anyway, a bunch
of Spanish peasants?
(inmates chattering)
Who made chocolate mousse?
You gotta use real cream,
or you don't make it at all!
You know what?
(glass shattering)
(inmates shouting)
I wanna see the warden!
I wanna see the chef that made this crap!
- [Inmates] Use real cream!
Use real cream!
Use real cream!
Use real cream!
(blues harmonica music)
(suspenseful music)
- Goodbye my son!
- Let's go Lefty!
- Bye bye!
- Hold on a second,
I just want to show you this one article!
- Time's up!
- No it's a, it's
an interesting article!
- Time's up buddy.
- Let me finish this!
Hold on a second!
- Come on.
(mumbling)
Come on!
- [Narrator] And finally, Lefty's
moment of truth had arrived!
- [Guard] Hold it, hold it!
The warden's coming!
- [Narrator] And it was time
to walk that last 100 yards.
(suspenseful harmonica music)
(panting)
- I just wanted to tell you Lefty,
the stroganoff was delicious!
We're having roast tomorrow,
and the missus was wondering
if you wouldn't mind holding this, huh?
- Warden wait, is there
any word from the governor?
- Uh, too much paprika, but he liked it.
(dramatic music)
(speaking foreign language)
- Did anybody ever find
out where that tunnel was?
Did anybody?
♫ So I say, it's a gray town
♫ It's a wonderful town
♫ It's the kind of a town I admire
♫ Da-Doot en do-do-do.
(honking)
(whistling)
(slapping)
(singing)
- One, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, four!
And one, two, three, five four and!
One, two, three, four!
- [Narrator] Three Chairs for Lefty!
See it, and you too will say, well done!
(perky music)
- He's funny, he's Duddy.
Duddy Allen in The Sneaker.
- I wish I knew what
it is I'm doing wrong!
I went out and I bought new clothes.
I didn't bath or shave for days.
I did everything you told me and Louise
still won't take me back!
- Now see here kid!
You gotta stop trying to
be like me, it won't work.
- Yeah but you, you always had women
falling all over themselves
just to get to you!
They'd kill for you.
They probably all fuck
like bunnies on their
first date, huh?
- Now who is this you're talking about?
- You, Clark Gable!
- I'm not Clark Gable!
- You're not?
- Hell no!
God are you a shit!
- Who are you?
- Sid Ronkowski!
- Sid Ronkowski?
Why have I been taking advice
from you all this time?
Why didn't you just say something?
I thought you were my fantasy, my idol!
- I don't know.
You came by this spot one day and started
talking out loud, asking a
bunch of stupid-ass questions,
I was off taking a leak in
the bushes and overheard you.
I thought I'd help you out!
- You look amazingly like Clark Gable.
It's uncanny.
- You think so?
- Really.
- No!
Anyway, I can't wait to
hear, did you call Louise
on the phone like I told you to?
- She cut off her phone service.
- Oh, that, I...
Have you tried dating other women?
- Last night.
- Hmm?
- Margie.
- Good, how did it go?
- I don't know, I thought
we had a good time.
So I really can't say
that existential nihilism
is the only way to go.
Personally, that is for me, I tend to lean
toward Zen with Zionist tendencies.
(mumbles) do a thorough
study of the neo-platonic
relationship of chlorophyll to Retsin.
In other words everything
is predestined to
Chicago or New York.
Subjunctive subjectivity
on the other hand tells us,
that within the realm
of eternal halitosis,
and the softer as duplicity of nature,
we're all one and one for all.
(chuckles) I uh, I practice
transcontinental meditation,
and, have found new morality,
and insights into...
(snoring)
- Guy comes in he says
"Bartender start 'em up
"for everybody on me!"
He says "What about me?"
He says "Forget it, when
you drink you get nasty!"
(laughing)
- Louise!
(gasping)
Louise!
I gotta talk to you!
- Duddy!
Once and for all will
you please go away and
leave me alone, we are through!
Over, ended, finished, psst!
That's it!
- Gee I was hoping for
something more definite.
(groaning)
- Honey, would you let
me take care of it please?
- You talking to me?
I don't see anybody else around,
you must be talking to me!
Let me tell you something,
these hands are registered with UCLA!
Oh boy!
Hey, hey I'd really like
to, but I just remembered,
I uh, I ate and I have to wait
an hour, I could get cramped!
(gasps) Nice cologne, that musk?
(chuckling)
(screaming)
(water splashing)
- [Narrator] When Duddy's
wife won't take him back,
(comical music)
what's this,
he resorts to drugs!
For three hours Duddy turns into
a used car salesman.
- Yoo-hoo, yes, you you
schmuck, look at this!
$52,000 I'll give you a car, what a car!
We're wheelin' we're dealin' here!
Terrific, you, pop,
come here, look at this!
We're gonna cover the
windshield, big tires!
(mumbling)
So anyway my mother
threw me out of the house
when I was 3 1/2, I've
never been the same since.
- Hey kid, you talk too damn much!
Put your hands on her, take her bra off!
- Okay, but I'm not too
good at this kind of thing.
- Yeah that's it, don't be shy!
Touch her tit!
Go on, touch it!
- Do you want to hear my moose story, I--
- God damn it you ineffectual pipsqueak!
I'd be going down on her by now!
Go down on her!
- No I can't do that!
- Go on, go down on her!
- No no, (mumbles).
- Go down on her god dammit!
- It's our first date!
Do you want to go to a
Tupperware party (mumbles)?
(gasping)
(honkytonk music)
- The Sneaker, coming soon!
(serene music)
- In the middle of
North-Central Asia, virtually untouched
by commerciality, lies
the newest chic playground
of the international, smart set!
A breathtaking journey
to the lower regions
of beautiful Mongolia, brings us
face to face with the mystery
and magic of the Gobi!
Come with us now as we
walk down the ancient
boulevard of the gods, in
this 500,000-square mile
desert resort community!
(wind howling)
A gentle ocean breeze ruffles our hair,
as we tour this huge, undeveloped plateau.
Formerly a barren desert,
the Gobi was turned
into the empire and thriving metropolis
that we see today, through
the inspired leadership
of Genghis Khan, way
back in the 13th century.
The national bird of the
Gobi is the friendly,
outgoing vulture.
(vulture cawing)
This beautiful intelligent
bird can be trained
to sit on your head on command.
(engine starter grinding)
Wildlife abounds in the lush vegetation.
This is a true paradise.
(coughing)
The shifting, whispering sands
uncover many a tale of intrigue,
and tell us much of the
lifestyle of the ancients.
And like the blowing
sands, we too must move on,
and uncover more mysteries and magic
of other playgrounds of the world.
Taking leave of our newly made friends,
and their quaint food-free diets,
it is time to wave a tearful farewell to
the magic of the Gobi!
(dramatic music)
(tranquil music)
- Hello, I'm Buddy Hackett,
and I've been asked
to speak to you on behalf
of an organization known as,
S-T-O-P-I-T, STOPIT, or the
Society to Oppress and
Prevent Involuntary Tinkling.
It's a totally non-profit institution.
As national chairperson this year,
(water splashing)
I decided to pay a visit
to the institute.
Here on the grounds of their main facility
in Watertown, New York,
we see many of the cures
being tried to stop the flood.
One of the newest and
most effective methods
they're using here at STOPIT,
is negative reinforcement training.
Now let's listen in.
- (mumbles) How many
times do I have to tell
you, you big sissy,
you're nothing, you big baby!
Do you know what a disappointment you are
to your mother and father?
If I had a hammer--
- Pardon me but
aren't you being a bit rough on him?
- What's it to you Mac?
The kid won't stop pissing!
What are you, a piss freak or something?
- Hello again.
Now this is Robert, isn't it?
Can you tell everyone out there,
why you're here with us today.
Well it's because you're
the STOPIT poster boy
for this year, isn't that right?
Well, Bob is well on his way to becoming
a normal healthy young man, all
due to the never-ending work
of STOPIT, right Bobby?
(splattering)
Right now, theater ushers
are starting to move
up this theater's aisles, with tin cups
that will soon be pissed,
er, passed down your row.
When that cup of kindness reaches you,
I hope you will find it in your hearts
to reach way in and pull
out whatever you can
to deposit in the cup!
Do it for the kids or do it for yourself!
You'll feel relieved that you did!
Thanks.
(pleasant music)
(tender music)
♫ We know that you're stoned
♫ And your sugar level's low
♫ We've got a place, where you can go
♫ If you're high you'll think it grand
♫ Right here in the lobby,
the refreshment stand
♫ Won't you try, juicy, juicy fruits
♫ Malted milk balls (mumbles)
(metallic clicking)
♫ Don't forget
♫ One run to the toilet
♫ Chooey, gooey, plastic
♫ If you got the munchies
then this is the time
♫ Hot buttered popcorn will blow your mind
♫ We don't think you understand
♫ The way we break even's at the
(cash register jingling)
♫ Refreshment stand
♫ Are you high
♫ Maui, Maui Wowee
♫ Or Jamaican or Columbo, Mexico, Africana
♫ Don't forget
♫ Natural Soy Beanettes
(brassy carnival music)
(festive carnival music)
- [Narrator] What happens when this
movie mongrel exchanges bodies with
a famous motion picture mogul?
- Wait a minute Roy!
- Walt Whizney Productions
- Roy come back!
- has done it again!
- Roy, Roy!
- You'll howl with delight
when you see
- The Shaggy Studio Chief
- Come back Roy wait a minute!
Roy, oh you asshole!
(dramatic music)
- Hello sir, how are you today?
- Don't ask!
Look, I'd like to rent a car right away!
- Okay, will that be cash or credit card?
- Credit card, ah, I seem
to have lost my wallet.
I, I seem to have lost my pockets!
- Much as I'd like to help you,
I'm afraid we're gonna
need some of those things
in order to rent you a car.
- What, I'm Walt Whizney, Walt Whizney!
(comically weary music)
Thanks for the ride.
So long, pal!
(engine rumbling)
Wasn't bad, you hippy creep.
- Been dead less than a week
and already we've (mumbles).
- [Narrator] Yes it's another
fun-filled laugh riot,
as the Whizney Studios goes to the dogs!
- I'm sorry I'm late, I got hung up
chasing cars!
- Mr. Whizney I am sorry,
I tried to stop him!
(comically cheerful music)
- [Walt] Put me down!
- Get the fuck out of here!
- God dammit put me down!
I-I can handle all of your asses!
Put, put me down you god damn fairies!
(grunting)
(sniffing)
- [Narrator] Will Walt
regain control of the studio
before Roy has him neutered?
(car horn honking)
- Okay, Roy, Roy!
- Don't miss it!
The laugh riot of this
and many a year to come!
See Walt Whizney's latest,
(Walt yelling)
The Shaggy Studio Chief!
(car horn honking)
And on the same program,
the academy award winning,
Walt Whizney short,
The Calf who Thought she was a Chicken!
(energetic folk music)
(clucking)
- Well howdy folks!
Welcome to our place!
Gee you caught me on one of my busy days!
I was just wringing the necks of
a couple chickens here!
You wanna watch, it's kind of interesting?
Jeez I remember the first couple
of hundred times I did it.
(laughing)
I threw up all over myself (laughs)!
Kept that up for a couple of months.
But hell you get used to even that!
Anyway, Pa's up in the kitchen.
He's been expecting 'ya!
Hey Pa, we got company,
get your britches on!
- Ah, excuse me!
(sighing)
Did you have ever snort Buckwheat?
It's not bad.
(sniffing)
Whoa-ah!
Ah, I really get off on that stuff.
Ma don't like me to use it, but I told her
it clears up my hayfever!
(sniffing)
Ummm.
But say, you came here
to see some of the scenes
from that moving picture me and Ma made.
Ma and Pa Take Francis to New York,
and here I go talking a mile a minute.
(sniffing)
Hmm, must be the rush
of that buckwheat to my head!
But I'm all set to go here, so sit back,
and have yourself a chuckle, or two.
(whirring)
(clacking)
(horse whinnying)
- How's it going?
(snorting)
- Who said that?
Who's here?
- I did dummy, over here!
The name's Francis (snorts).
- Oh I'm not hearing this, it can't be!
You're a pig, and pigs don't talk!
- I wouldn't bet on it buster,
your old lady's a pig and
all she ever does is talk!
- Ma!
Ma, you better come here!
- Oh, what's the matter
for crying out loud?
- That there pig just spoke to me Ma!
- Ah, shut up and listen!
I got us a plan where we can make us all
a lot of fast dough!
Now listen, we go to New York see,
I got a friend that
works in the post office,
(mumbling)
(snorting)
- Uh huh.
(snorting)
(exciting industrious music)
Hi there Ma!
- Ooh, for heaven's sakes, Pa!
You're sex mad, that's
what's the matter with you!
Gonna have to go to the
John to get some privacy!
- I love New York, what a town!
(knocking)
- Open up!
- Hey, we're having an orgy,
amscray!
- Howdy.
- I'm the hotel detective.
And...
My god, a pig!
You know you're not allowed
to have a pig in here!
- Oh that's Francis.
- Get rid of that pig!
You understand?
- Take a walk putz, or
I'll cream 'ya (snorts)!
- What did you just say?
- Oh I didn't say that!
That was Francis, he can talk!
- He can talk, can he?
You, get rid of the pig!
Or you check out, hear me?
- You're one ugly son of
a bitch you know that?
You're mother sucks cocks in hell!
- Oh, now wait just a minute!
That was the pig!
You see he's going to make
us all rich, he can talk.
Say something for the man
Francis, go ahead now!
Talk to the man!
- I, am gonna ignore that last remark,
on account of you're a crazy old man,
but, I don't want to hear another word!
You get me?
Not a peep!
- Yes sir!
- [Francis] Commie fag hippy queen!
- That does it!
I am no commie!
(thumping)
- You got a great hook there lefty!
- Well thank you, I was
in the Golden Gloves...
(lively folk music)
- Well folks, that's all the film
we have to show you now.
You'll have to pay your 50 cents
if you want to see the rest.
Isn't that right Ma?
- Oh, who gives a rat's ass anyway?
Get of the table will 'ya,
(chicken clucking)
for god's sakes!
I told 'ya to ask for a
percentage of this film.
But oh no, not you!
You said, "Ma, nobody's going
to see this motion picture,
"nobody wants to see two old geezers
"make fools out of themselves!"
Well a lot of people do!
Oh well you ain't got the
brains you was born with!
Lose your balls if they weren't attached.
- Now visit us again real soon, you hear?
- Love to see you folks!
- Fu-Fu-Fu-Fuck off, folks!
(dramatic piano music)
(perky piano music)
(dramatic music)
(energetic piano music)
(relaxing piano music)
(lively music)
(orchestra tuning)
(applauding)
- [Man] Hey you're not Pavlova Pavlova!
Get off the stage, bring out Pavlova!
- [Woman] Hey, no smoking in the theater!
- Ladies and gent--
(audience shouting)
Ladies and gentlemen, I have to make a uh,
disturbing announcement concerning
this afternoon's performance (chuckles)!
You see uh, Pavlova Pavlova,
our prima ballerina is, uh,
- Get rid of the mustache!
- she's sick, (chuckles)!
- They don't care!
- Very sick,
And uh so,
- You're kidding, come on!
We want our money back!
- There will be no,
performance of the Scuffed Shoes, tonight.
(audience booing)
Ladies and gentlemen,
ladies and gentlemen please
you must, you must
understand our situation!
Hey, listen, she's, the
girl's, I don't know
how to tell you this but, she's,
she's been taken with
a serious case of dead!
- Prop her up!
- This,
now look, the girl is dead!
Hey listen,
(audience yelling)
(audience booing)
Piss off!
(classic ballet music)
(applauding)
Can anybody stop these things!
My feets is killing me!
- [Narrator] He didn't know
a tour jete from shinola,
but he danced, and he
danced, and he danced!
(gun firing)
Until he was shot the following morning.
- Bravo!
- Bravo!
(applauding)
- Thank you...
(imperious music)
- Yeah I'm a war correspondent.
Name's Piles, Ernie Piles.
A lot of human stories
came out of World War II.
These guys, well, each one of 'em's
got his own story to tell.
- Oh, you've got watermarks on those!
(spitting)
- Who's kidding who?
Hell, I'm no good to
anyone with these utensils.
I can't finish half the meal.
I had to choose between
a fork and a spoon?
I can't eat spaghetti, I can't have soup!
- Quit complaining, you
think you got it bad,
what about me?
Three years in hell.
Lay your life down for your country
and what does it get you?
A god damn plate in your head!
- Yeah, all these guys came
back to tell their stories.
But, there are thousands
upon thousands of GIs,
gyrenes and swabbies who
just, never came back.
So it's up to guys like
me to tell it for 'em,
and this is my tribute to
those brave American kids
who fought and died to make this country
the land of the free and
the home of the brave.
(explosion booming)
- Come on, move out!
(thrilling music)
(guns firing)
- Come on get in here!
- Come on get in here,
come on!
- Get in here!
- Come on!
- Get in here!
- Come on!
- Will you get
in the fox hole!
- Get in here!
- Now get into your hole!
- Listen, I can't help it if
I gotta fight alongside him,
but I ain't jumping in no
fox hole with no nigger!
(machines gun firing)
- If you ask any GI who survived,
the most important thing he
learned in basic training,
he'll tell you grab all
the sack time you can.
Those five brave boys
shared this barracks.
And now they share a fox hole in hell.
But, for a while there, this was home.
Wasn't always this quiet though.
This was Private Smitt's bunk.
And this, well this was his locker.
- [Woman Voiceover] Oh darling Dwayne!
I miss you so much!
It is hot here and I find
myself throbbing all over
when I think of you!
I took a walk last night,
past the tree where
you carved our initials
and I started to pulsate
just thinking about
the night we spent
(moaning)
in your car, under that tree, just before
you headed back to camp.
I strolled over to the library,
and sat on the big old cannon,
just straddling my legs,
in the town square.
And it, it reminded me, of
the first time we made love.
I miss you Dwayne!
I must have you again
soon or I shall go mad!
I don't suppose you have
much time to think about me,
but when you do always
remember I love you,
and I'll do anything you want me too,
just to make you happy.
Anything!
(rhythmic banging)
(bomb whistling)
(explosion booming)
(gun firing)
- I can't take it no more,
you gotta let me outta here!
I gotta get outta here!
Feet, don't fail me now!
- Lenny don't get out
there, there's a mine field!
You'll never make it!
(explosion booming)
Aww Lenny!
(explosions booming)
How you doing Lenny?
- I figure I've been hit, Sarge!
(explosion booming)
(metal clattering)
(moaning)
(hooting)
(laughing)
(sighing)
(panting)
- Oh hi, back already.
Uh, uh...
Well uh, off uh, offshore,
are I uh, submarine crew,
uh, nervously awaits our commandos.
(tense music)
(sonar pinging)
(windy sputtering)
(explosion booming)
- [Narrator] Just a Run in the Sun.
(pleasant music)
(wind howling)
(hooves clattering)
(tense percussion music)
(townsfolk chattering)
(piano music)
- Please, I want my rag,
it is religious law!
(tense music)
- The only good Indian
is a dead Indian!
Now get back to (mumbles)!
- No no!
No no no no no, no no no no!
Do not kill them!
To my people, the cowboy is sacred!
The cow, and the cowboy!
They are sacred.
You must not kill him!
Our sacred cowboy!
(brassy rustic music)
(gun firing)
(horse whinnying)
Perhaps, you didn't understand.
(eerie tense music)
- What, you see--
- What you see!
- What is what?
- What is this?
- What is--
- Indian (mumbles).
- We must see what this...
- We must see (mumbles)
(Indians chattering)
- Quick, put-a your hat on!
She's maybe a bounty hunter,
and now you don't want
her to know you have a price on your head!
That's-a nice.
(tense harmonica music)
(plunky piano music)
- So, how long-a you been
with Don Corlioni?
- Two years, before that
it was Don Avichi for six,
Don Rickles for three.
- Hey, you, silent stranger.
I'm-a come to get you!
Oh boy, you gonna be one dead man!
Show yourself, show yourself-a!
(gun firing)
(glass breaking)
(gun firing)
(glass breaking)
(gun firing)
- What it is,
what do you have there in
your hand, you, you fakir!
- What do you have in
your hand there, stranger?
You make me so mad!
Pinch his privates!
(gun firing)
This is going to hurt you
a lot more than it does me!
I'd kill him you
son-of-a-bitch, the asshole!
Kill him, and kill him, and kill him!
God dammit I lost my beads, god dammit now
I'm really pissed off, where
are my beads, my beads!
My beads!
- Here!
- Where, where, where?
(gun firing)
(comical music)
(horse whinnying)
(cheery country music)
♫ Once I thought--
- Hey baby will you
turn off that damn country music,
I can't take it no more!
Can you find out where we at?
- No.
- Jesus Christ.
(engine rumbling)
(crickets chirping)
Ow, baby we done cut loose on the juice!
It's on empty, oh!
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] A musician and his girl,
lost in the southern back wood,
out of gas and a long way from home.
(crickets chirping)
(coyote howling)
(dramatic music)
(drums beating)
(dramatic music)
- Howdy there folks.
It's kind of a strange place to be
practicing your drums, son.
Son what'd you say your name was?
- Look I didn't say, but it's
Elijah Abdul Jamal Mohammed.
- What a pretty name.
Elijah Abdul Jamal Mohammed.
I Like it.
You must be Boobies.
- How did you know my name?
(dramatic music)
- Just a wild guess.
Yep.
(inhaling sharply)
Here this'll make you feel better.
Come on, take a hit, good shit!
Some of my home grown,
seeds are Columbian.
Suit yourself.
That is, there's some coke there in the
glove compartment if you
want a couple of snorts.
(dramatic music)
You know, what the oldest living animal's
supposed to be is the Lake
Sturgeon, do you believe that?
Can you believe that, Lake Sturgeon, 152.
- 152 years, I always
thought it was a turtle.
(dramatic music)
- Sheriff Bob done told
me about your troubles.
Why don't you take cabin
number nine at the end there?
- Come on!
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] A strange night,
a strange time,
- I just know it!
- [Narrator] a strange town.
And a very strange sheriff.
- Cannot put my finger on!
- Why are they so nice to us?
- I don't know, I don't know!
And you stop picking on me!
(dramatic music)
- Howdy there folks, my name's Delmus!
I parked your van out
there and brought you
some food there to eat, thought you might
want to chow down.
We got some hot chicken, it
looks like some potatoes,
and some cole slaw...
Boy you sure are a pretty
lady you know that?
Anyone ever tell you that before?
Look like a little bunny rabbit
sitting there on the edge of the bed,
all fluffy and white like that.
Pink parts aren't bad either.
- May I help you?
- Thank you.
The color of your eyes, so pretty!
- Now just a minute you dumb shit kicker!
- What'd you call me fella?
(dramatic music)
- Shit kicker!
- Shit kicker?
You just call me shit kicker, huh?
Did you call me shit kicker?
(dramatic music)
(wincing)
Shit kicker.
Shit kicker...
Would that be like uh, like kicking shit,
you know, shit kick, shit kicker?
(laughs) Wait a minute, you mean,
I'm a shit kicker, right (chuckles)?
(laughing)
(mumbling)
I bet that's why we got
these pointed boots you know,
with toes like that, you can kick shit
in the corners (chuckles)!
(laughing)
Ah that's good,
I love that (mumbles)!
I'll see you'all, have a good time!
Hey Jim Bob, wait up over there,
you old shit kicker you!
(laughing)
(sobbing)
- [Narrator] How much more
could two people take?
(dramatic music)
Terrified, hungry,
tired, sleepy, but they
dare not drop their guard!
Something must be wrong.
Why else were these people
so nice, so kind to them?
- Oh baby!
(engine rumbling)
(screaming)
(dramatic music)
- How you doing this morning?
(giggling)
(perky country music)
Bye!
- [Narrator] Some day you
may find yourself in some
small town where everyone
is ever so nice to you!
Welcome to Bacon County!
- You'all come back, okay?
Bye!
(orchestra tuning)
- [Narrator] Previews
from That's Sexploitation!
With all the biggest
stars and the other star,
and scenes from the Happy
Hooker Goes Down on Washington!
2069, a Space Orgy.
The Spy Who Bit Me.
And All the President's Girls.
Coming soon, That's Sexploitation!
- [All] N-T-R-A-L!
Central!
- [Narrator] Yes they're back, those three
all-American boys who rah-rahed
their way into your hearts
in the Pom Pom Boys, and
have they ever got problems!
- Boy you sure look great!
Hey how's the team feeling about the big
Girl's Basketball game
coming up with Hamilton High?
- (groans) Not very
good Warren (chuckles).
Oh Betty's got this knee, and without her
I just don't see how
we're gonna stand a chance
against their big center, Zelda.
- Yeah, she scored 27 even
with Betty playing last year.
- I'm aware of that.
- What you need?
I wish there was some
way we guys could help.
- Maybe there is one,
(chuckles) maybe there is!
- Well what is it Ann, for
god's sake tell me, please!
- Well it has been rumored,
that the only thing big Zelda loves to do
more than stuff a ball in the hoop,
is to stuff something else somewhere else.
- You mean--
- A little sex (chuckles)!
That's it you know, sex.
I mean if you boys could manage to tire
Big Zelda out tonight,
maybe she wouldn't be
so formidable tomorrow.
- I don't know Ann, I'll
have to talk to the guys.
I'll call you later.
- Thanks Warren.
Now remember, it's for the
whole school, and especially me.
- [Warren] I'll see 'ya,
I'll call 'ya later.
Bye!
- [Narrator] All season long they had
rooted their team home,
could they get it up for one more game?
- Well I vote we do it.
I mean after all, it is
the game of the season,
we owe it to the girls.
- Ah, okay count me in.
- Me too.
- All right.
- I'm taking a shower.
- [News Announcer] Where
it's once again Jamar versus
Bill Waltman, Kareem versus
the Mountain Man, last year--
(festive music)
- [Narrator] Each gave his
all for the team and then
gave it again, and then
again, and then again.
- [Zelda] Hey get in here, I
want more, you get in here!
(cheerful music)
- Start the car!
(engine rumbling)
- [Narrator] Were they successful?
Find out soon when the
Pop Pom Boys returns
to a theater near you!
(heavenly music)
(dramatic music)
(rattling)
(tense music)
- [Narrator] Confused,
Billy seeks guidance
from the wisdom of the ancients.
He returns to his power
place for a rendezvous
with the spirits.
(rattling)
(whip snapping)
- Ah!
(dramatic music)
- Thanks mister, you just saved us from
the wicked bitch of
the North by Southwest!
- You mean witch.
- This witch was a real bitch!
Come on!
(cheerful music)
- When in Oz...
To hell with it.
Howdy.
Say can you tell us how
to get to Emerald City?
- Emerald City, aw shucks, you don't want
to go to Emerald City.
Ah well I mean it used
to be a nice place to go,
back 30, 40 years ago
maybe, but not now, hell no!
They got people living
there five to a hut!
They got smog like you wouldn't believe,
and whatever you do,
don't drink the water!
- No shit?
- No shit.
Oh, ah hey would you two fellers
maybe give me a hand here?
- Boy, he's well hung isn't he?
(cheerful music)
- That's it, that's it, good!
- Oil can, oil can!
- Boy, I feel a whole lot better now!
(chuckles) I'm stuffed!
Well, thanks Billy, and thank you shorty!
- Shorty?
Did I just hear you
call that midget shorty?
When I hear somebody call
a friend of mine shorty,
or pygmy, or shrimp or half-pint or--
- Billy!
- or Billy, or tiny, or
teeny tiny, anyway, when
I hear words like that,
words filled with hate, and reeking with
a total lack of respect for the simple,
basic god-given innate
dignity of mankind, well I...
Oh sure he's short, (mumbles), literally,
yeah he's even teeny tiny maybe,
but when I see injustice perpetrated,
when I see such a total lack
of regard for even these
silly, insignificant little squirts,
then I go fucking crazy!
(rustling)
(dramatic music)
- [Narrator] And now this
theater is proud to present
the first all talking, all singing,
all brown, musical short,
Dark Town, After Dark.
(lazy jazz music)
(thunder rumbling)
(wind howling)
- Hey Calvin,
I want you to pass these
around to the guys,
a little something I wrote
up on the way over here.
(perky horn music)
♫ Well I woke up this afternoon
♫ And I felt that
everything was pretty much
♫ Okay
♫ That's good
♫ And I made love to my baby
♫ In my usual way
♫ That's even better
♫ I tried to put on my shoes
and they were too tight
♫ They would not fit
♫ Then I went to use the convenience
♫ And almost froze my toes
♫ Here's how it goes
♫ A one two three four
♫ Five six seven eight
♫ Now I'm returning my Nobel Peace Prize
♫ All my Oscars (mumbles)
my Pulitzer Prize
♫ Some folks look at my medals with greed
♫ I just laugh at them all and say
♫ All I really need is well is well, is uh
♫ Getting tight pussy loose
shoes and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ That's it
♫ That's it
♫ Now I don't want a new Cadillac
♫ And I don't care if I sit
in the front or the back
♫ You can keep your daughter
unless she real young
♫ 'Cause those rumors are
true and I'm really hung
♫ On what
♫ Boys
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ That's it
♫ That's it
♫ Now you won't find me
in a watermelon patch
♫ Out with the boys
digging up some scratch
♫ Just to buy some
muggles, or maybe some hash
♫ And I'm not usually
invited to a Republican bash
♫ Unless they got, well, you know
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ Tight pussy loose shoes
and a warm place to shit
♫ That's it
♫ That's it
♫ Tight pussy, loose shoes
♫ And a warm place to shit
(applauding)
- [Narrator] That's Dark Town After Dark!
(perky music)
♫ Coming attractions we've got
♫ So much action so save
your money, save your time
♫ This ain't a sneak preview
♫ You don't have to stand in line
♫ We got romantic stories,
we got epic glories
♫ We've got gals who so it all night
♫ If you're in a drive-in movie
♫ Turn on your lights
♫ B-B-B-B-B-B boop boop boop boop
♫ B-B-B-B-B-B boop boop boop boop
♫ Boop boop boop boop boo, hoo hoo
♫ Coming attractions, we
got, cut into fractions
♫ We're after you know who
♫ Well if we milk you,
they'll be coming too
♫ All right
♫ If it's a comedy, if it's a tragedy
♫ We took out a lie
♫ All right
♫ Laughing and joke, till (mumbles) clock
♫ All right
♫ You hoo hoo hoo hoo hoo, ow
♫ B-B-B-B-B-B boop boop boop boop
♫ Boop boop boop boop boo, hoo hoo
♫ Coming attractions,
we got, so much action
♫ So save your money, save your time
♫ It ain't a sneak preview,
you don't have to stand in line
♫ Boy