Comedy's Dirtiest Dozen (1988) - full transcript

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Hi. I'm Ben Creed
and I'll be your host
this evening.

I'm more or less
the parole officer for these
renegade, outcast comedians.

They're considered renegades
because most people think that
their acts are too dirty.

Well, "dirty" is a very
relative term.

Some of the same people that
point their fingers at
these guys and call them dirty

will then go home and
light their own farts on fire

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
and giggle like
wild rabid squirrels.

Or maybe they'll just look
at their dog and get a boner.

You know, a man once said,
"A true professional comedian
always works clean.

"It's too easy to rely on
the dirty words or the
blue material to get a laugh."



But that guy was a
fucking douche bag
with a very small dick.

If I ever see him,
I'm gonna rip that
small dick off,

load it into a crossbow,
and shoot it through
his mother's heart.

These guys are not dirty.

They're simply performers
that have something to say,

and they say it the way
that it should be said.

So sit back, relax,
and enjoy these
funny motherfuckers.

First up tonight is
a gentleman from
Los Angeles, California,

who someday, I'm sure,
will climb into a bell tower

with a rifle and
hunt for Ruth Buzzi.

He's also the only man
that Gandhi ever
kicked in the nuts.

Please welcome the
very scary Monty Hoffman.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you.



AUDIENCE: (CHANTING)
Monty! Monty!

All right, how you doing?
This is great to be here.

I had a pretty
shitty day today.

I was walking down the street,
this little kid stops me

and goes,
"Hey, are you the guy
from the
Operation
game?"

(SCOFFS)

"No, I'm a fucking ninja."

I had to stop drinking.
I remember the last time
I got real drunk,

I came home, I abused
my wife and kids.
MAN: Yeah!

Then I realized I was
in the wrong apartment.

And I'm single.

I've got something
every man wants, tits.

(LAUGHING)

This is great.
I had a relationship goin' on.

I had this woman
live with me for 14 days.

Then she chewed through
the ropes and got free.

I like kinky women, myself.
Any girls out there kinky?

AUDIENCE: Yeah. Yeah!
Yeah, okay, Olga. All right.

(SCOFFS)

Most women like to
talk dirty to me in bed.

"Get off me, ya fat bastard!"

"Aw, baby, I didn't know
you were sleeping."

She's always complaining,
"All you like is
sex and bowling."

"So?
What's wrong with bowling?"

It's gonna be in
the '88 Olympics.
Did you hear about this?

Yeah, for the first time,
they're gonna try bowling.

I mean, just think
about it, folks.

Some guy that looks like me
could win a fucking
gold medal.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)

Yeah.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(CHUCKLES)

I mean, can you see some guy
working out for the Olympics?

(HUMMING
GONNA FLY NOW)

(IMITATES CAN OPENING)

Yeah.

(SCOFFS)

This is great being
back home in New York.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
I was with my brother.
I was driving... Yeah.

Right over here.

I was driving around
Brooklyn, right?
I get into this accident.

So I bring the car to
an auto body shop.

I ask the guy for
a rough estimate,

so he kicks me in the nuts
and goes, "4.50."

Oh, yeah. How do you pass that
on to the insurance guy?

(CHUCKLES)

"Here, it's in
your hands now."

I know you women are
looking at me thinking,

"What a hunka hunka
burnin' love."

Lot of people say
I look like Elvis.

(AUDIENCE WHOOPING)
(CHUCKLES)
Yeah. About three...

Yeah. Yeah, right.
About three hours
before his death.

I was in Portland,
Oregon, you know.

Dig this, man.
I was in Portland, Oregon.

I went to the state fair.

I was hanging out at
one of these booths
having a piece of corn.

This guy comes over
and puts a blue ribbon
around my neck.

I don't care I'm fat.
I know in two years from now
I'm gonna be a sex god.

That's right,
all you girls are gonna go,

"Hey, there's a fat one.
He ain't got AIDS. Get him."

(CHUCKLES)

Right? Huh?
Thank God for the fat guy!

♪ Well, LL Cool J
got nothin' on me

♪ 'Cause I got that
certain personality

(AUDIENCE CLAPPING IN TIME)
♪ Hip, hop, hippity-hop

♪ We all go to
the barbershop

♪ Walk in there,
I sit on the chair

♪ Barber laughs,
"You ain't got no hair"

♪ I said,
"Mmm, that's so cold"

♪ Says, "Mmm,
God bless my soul"

♪ Lots of love
I start to strut

♪ Come to a place
called Supercuts

♪ Shave the side,
shave the back

♪ I want to look like
my man Kojak

♪ Said, "Hmm,
who loves ya, baby?"

♪ Said, "Hmm,
who loves ya, baby?"

♪ Well, I might be fat
but I ain't no chump

♪ People say I look like
a big speed bump

♪ Said, "Please don't clap
while I'm up here rhymin'

♪ "Don't you know
it throws off my timin'?" ♪

Ow! Thank you.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

MAN: Yeah!
Yeah.

I just wanted to...
You know, it's strange,

'cause my life is getting
so together right now

because I gave up cocaine,
ladies and gentlemen.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Yeah, yeah. Yeah.

It feels good to sleep
after three years.

Fuck.

I know you're lookin' at me
goin', "Boy, this guy did coke
for three years?

"What was it covered with,
butter?"

Fuck. I can remember
nights in my apartment

when I'm by myself,
snortin' lines this
fuckin' big, going,

(SNIFFING)

"Who the fuck's out there?"

(LAUGHS MENACINGLY)

Me and my friends, man,
we'd go out,
we'd get a half a gram,

then it'd go to a gram,
then an eight ball.

I mean, eventually,
they named a village
in Peru after me.

Hey, there's some guy
walkin' around,

"We'd like to thank
Monty Hoffman for
this new church.

"We'd like to thank
Monty Hoffman for
this new hospital." You know?

There'd be a statue of me in
the main square like this.

Fuck that shit.

I remember people coming
up to me goin',

"Hey, you got five minutes
to do a quick line?"

And you go back
with these people,

it takes 'em like
an hour and a half
to prepare the stuff.

It's like rent-a-friend.

They're like, "Oh, look,
Frosty the Snowman."

You know, to make the lines,
they got their ruler
to measure each line.

Protractor comes out.

You do up the lines,
you pass on the mirror,

everybody gets high
and then what happens?

The next batch comes out.

Things speed up.
Doesn't take
an hour and a half.

Takes like 30 seconds.

And it sounds like a circus
going on the mirror.
Remember the
Sabre
song?

(HUMMING
SABRE DANCE)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I'm Monty Hoffman!

Monty Hoffman!
Give him a nice hand.
Monty Hoffman.

Give it up for him.
Give it up.

Monty Hoffman. And you thought
my hair was fucked up, huh?

(MAN SHOUTING)

Hey, wait. I know you.

You're an actress.
I saw your film last night.
You were very good.

I didn't get to see the end,
though, 'cause I ran out
of quarters, but, you know...

Just a little joke.
I was just kidding.

I had plenty of quarters.
I saw the whole thing.
It was just a little joke.

Hey, was that a Mastiff
or a Great Dane?

Anyway, coming up next
to the stage,
ladies and gentlemen,

is a young performer,
21 years old.

He's from Bed-Stuy,
Brooklyn. He's...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

What are you, his fucking
roommate or something?

From Bed-Stuy, Brooklyn,
the Nat Turner of comedy,
Mr. Chris Rock!

So what's up?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(WOMAN SHOUTING)

So I hate life.
WOMAN 1: Oh.

WOMAN 2: Yeah.
Can't stand life.
You know why?

AUDIENCE: Why?
'Cause I was born a suspect.

Born a suspect.
Came out my mother's stomach,

anything that happened
in a three block radius,
I was a suspect.

White America is so scared
of black teenagers,

I walk down the streets,
the women are grabbin'
hold of their mace,

everybody's tucking in
their chains and people
are hitting their car doors,

people get into
karate stances.

I look up in the air,
there's a bunch of
old white ladies.

They'll get on the phone.
They'll dial 9-1 and just
wait for me to do something.

So I'm 21,
I live at home.

It's not that bad, though,
'cause I have friends that
are like 28 and live at home.

That's pathetic.
A 28-year-old man
that lives at home.

There's only thing worse than
a 28-year-old man
that lives at home,

and that's any woman willing
to sneak into his room.

Now, I live at home, right,
and my mother likes to
clean up my room,

and whenever my mother
cleans up my room,

she always takes out
all my dirty magazines.

Whenever your mother takes
your dirty magazines,

you can't say
anything about it.

Okay, she don't say nothing,
you don't say nothing.

Now, I'm sitting down eating
breakfast with my mother.

There's a tension
at the table

'cause I'm not like her
little baby anymore,

I'm like some pervert
she's given birth to.

So I sit down at the table,
me and Mom, Mom and me.

I'm sittin' there, so
I try to break the tension.

It's like, "Ma, have you seen
my baseball glove?"

And Mother goes,
"Well, why don't you check
The Penthouse?"

Sometimes, you don't find that
your mother took your book
till it's too late.

It's like 3:00 in the morning,
you're ready to jerk off
and there's no book.

So you have to search
the whole house for any
picture with a woman on it,

and finally you settle
for Aunt Jemima.

You got that box
of Aunt Jemima,
and she's looking at you,

and you're looking at her,
and your imagination
starts going.

Aunt Jemima starts looking
real good.

Takes that rag off her head,
hits the ground.

Big fat ass,
big buttermilk
breasts hanging...

In phase two,
Aunt Jemima starts
talking dirty to you.

You start hearing this
fat black lady's voice like,

"Come on, baby.
Let your auntie suck it now.
Come on, now.

"Come on, babe, put some
syrup on that bad boy.
Come on, now.

"Come on, now.
Spread them cheeks, honey.

"This your auntie talking.
Come on, now."

And right before you come,
Uncle Ben gets off his box.

"Hey, leave her alone,
that's my bitch."

So, Jesse Jackson's
running for president.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MAN BOOING)
Running for president.

I don't know, I always thought
the media in this country
was very liberal

till Jesse Jackson
ran for president.

Then I found out
how racist they are,
'cause about a month ago,

Jesse Jackson was in the lead,
in the lead of all the
Democratic candidates.

On the cover of every magazine
in the country it said,

"What does Jesse want?"

Say, I think
he wants to be
the fucking president, okay?

I mean, is there
a janitor's job open up
in the White House

I didn't hear about?

"What does Jesse..."
Like a black man can't even
want to be president?

Like some genie
comes out of the sky,

"Jesse, I'll grant
you three wishes."
"I wish to be president."

"Please pick something else."

"What does Jesse want," man?
Come on, man.

Crazy, crazy, crazy.

I don't want to deceive you.

The reason Jesse didn't win,
'cause no Jewish people
would vote for Jesse,

which left rednecks
very confused.

Rednecks didn't know
what to do, man.

Rednecks were walkin' around,
"All my life I wanted to
vote for a Jew-hater.

"Turns out to be a nigger."

See, they had a plot
to kill Jesse.
A plot to kill him.

He's losing by a landslide,
and that's too close
for some people.

Scared he might become
the first black man
not to be president.

Rednecks confused again.

On one hand,
they want him dead,

and on the other hand,
they don't want to
celebrate that holiday.

They would've never made
his birthday a...

Martin Luther King's having
a hard enough time as it is,

and he actually
did something, okay?

And further, in Alabama,
Martin Luther King's birthday
is not a holiday.

Why is it not a holiday?
'Cause he's black, that's why
his birthday's not a holiday.

It's 'cause if this was Elvis,
it would be a fuckin' holiday,
okay?

It'd be like...
It'd be like a second
Christmas, okay?

Like big fat white guys
coming down chimneys with
Elvis jumpsuits on,

giving out Quaaludes,

and a black man
can't have a holiday.

And some people have
the nerve, the fucking nerve,

to compare Elvis Presley
with Martin Luther King.

Man, how do you
do that, man?

It's like, "I have a dream,"
"I have a hound dog."

You think about it real hard,
they should just give

Martin Luther King
somebody else's holiday,

'cause there's so many
stupid bullshit holidays
we celebrate every year,

like Columbus Day.
Nobody celebrates
Columbus Day.

Nobody puts like three
ships in their front yard.

But it's a holiday, okay?

First of all,
Columbus discovered
the West Indies, okay?

Number two,
the land he discovered
had occupants on it.

You know, that's
kind of like discovering
somebody's backyard, okay?

So you think about all
Columbus actually did

was discover a
West Indian backyard.

He got there, it was like,
"Hey, hey, hey, hey!

"I claim this land for
fucking Spain."

(IN WEST INDIAN ACCENT)
"Hey, mon, get yer damn flag
out me roses now.

"What the hell is wrong
with you now? I kill ya, boy."

So, guys, remember
the first time you ever had
your finger inside a girl?

And you walked home
for like eight blocks
smelling that finger.

Then you walk over to
your best friend. "Sharon."

(CHUCKLES)

Oh, man. So I was in
South Africa the other day.

Or was it Boston?

Yeah, I gotta go.

Give it up! Chris Rock!

Chris Rock, man.
Give it up for him.

Chris Rock.

Can I tell you
something?
MAN: Yeah.

The other day,
I was eating this girl out,
and, uh,

I guess I got carried away,
'cause I didn't stop
till her head caved in.

No, no. Keep your seats.
There's more.

Right now, I'm very proud to
present this next performer,

because he does not use
a guitar in his act.

(WOMAN WHOOPING)
He lives in Los Angeles,
California, on a hill.

He has no car insurance, and
his name is Larry Scarano.

Give it up for him.
Come on!

All right. Yeah.

MAN: Yeah!

Thanks a lot.
Glad you like it, man.

Saw my all-time favorite
Enquirer
headline last month.

Said, "Two-Headed Woman
Gives Birth."

You figure this guy
would have just settled
for a blow job.

Some guys want everything,
you know?

First date, too.

How you guys doing?
Saturday night,
got your rubbers on?

MAN 1: Yeah!

They want to put rubber
machines in high schools.
You believe this, man?

MAN 2: Yeah!

Aw, get out. When we were
growing up, at least they
kept them in the bars.

Remember those yellow
machines, had pictures of
sleazy chicks on 'em

with whips and garter belts

and bras and high heels with
flames coming out the side?

Now they got pictures
of skinny guys dying.

It's a jungle out there, kids.

I think doctors made up AIDS
at the last convention, man.

Keep their fucking jobs,
you know what I mean?

Sit around, "What the hell are
we gonna do? Cancer's falling
in the ratings."

"I don't know, we'll think
of something. You'll love it,
it's a killer."

Kick it off with a
celebrity endorsement
right there out in the front,

put it in three groups
in the country, Haitians...

Haitians, gay guys
and junkies.

Don't invite me to
that fucking party.

(SCOFFS)

What the hell happened
to herpes, man?

It like bombed
or something, didn't it?

It's like a flop or something.

Yeah, herpes.
Sounds like cooties
with an attitude.

The 8-track of
disease, herpes.

Got any homeless people
here tonight?

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

How does it feel
to be out of the box?
Pretty good, huh?

Are they a pain in the ass
or what?

Sleeping on the side of
the road at 9:30 at night

like they gotta
get up tomorrow
and do something.

(SCOFFING)

Stay up late, have a party,
what the fuck?

Comic relief. I do my part.

Every time I see
a bagman sleeping,
I honk the horn.

"Wake up, you lazy fuck."

The homeless. Nice name.
How come they don't call
'em the lazy bums?

(SCOFFS)

You guys getting ready
to vote?

Yeah, like they
count 'em, right?

Yeah, Democrats are
having a hell of a time.

Why don't they just go nuts
and nominate like two of the
Ramones, get it over with?

Fuck.

Think they got
a secret weapon.

You're gonna see 'em
like November 2nd

show up with John F. Kennedy,
all tan and ready to kick ass.

"How you doing?
I was at the Bahamas
the whole time.

"Me and Ed Sullivan made it up
to piss off The Beatles,
that's all.

"How do I look in color, kids?

"This is my brother, Bobby.
He's got Ed Meese's gig.

"This is Marilyn.
She's doing good.

(IMITATES HONKING)

"I had to bring her.
She's been bitching about
Madonna for two years here."

Madonna. Man, did you see her
in
Playboy
last year?

MAN: Yeah!

God, she got some serious
growth on her, that girl.

(EXCLAIMS)

Hairy armpits.

First time I saw
those pictures,

I didn't know which way
to hold the magazine.

What the fuck is this?

It's a dream date,
that's all. I don't know.

I'm showing up with two pals
on this one.

Hey, somebody gets
the pot of gold,
you know what I mean?

MAN: Yeah!

(LAUGHING)

How's Oliver North?
Man, I'm following North.

I think they're gonna
hang him from the
highest tree, old Ollie.

They ought to give him
a break, man. I think
he's a hell of a director.

I really
liked
Platoon.

Who sold contraceptives
to Iran? Who gives a shit?

The slickest guy
in that whole thing was
the head of the CIA, Casey.

They day they indicted him,
he goes, "I'm dead, fuck you.

"Close the door
behind me, too."

Noriega, there's another
poor guy, man.

They wanted to get his job,
they put coke in his luggage.

Coke's the new
communism, isn't it?

Anytime they want to
bust somebody's balls,
they blame it on coke.

Northwest Airlines crashed
this rickety-ass old metal
stress plane last year.

Didn't tell you it was a
'65 Mustang with bald tires,
you know.

Nah, nah, the maintenance guy
was high on coke.
That's why the plane crashed.

This guy's whole gig in life
was to get up in the morning,

eat his Wheaties and
check wing flaps all day.

One day, he gets up,
does a line of coke.
"Fuck a bunch of wing flaps."

(SCOFFING)

We need some hippies, man.
Goddamn...

WOMAN: Yeah!
Yeah, where are they
when we need 'em?

MAN: Yeah!
Fuck.

Where the hell's Hendrix
when we need him?

There's a guy who knew
when to leave the planet, huh?

Hendrix left the planet.

Barry Manilow
got a hit record,
he said, "I gotta go."

Need some acid.
Anybody trip on acid?

WOMAN: Yeah.
How many times there,
twice?

Remember this shit? Two times.
You got any kids?
How they doing? All right?

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

They were worried about
the acid babies, man.

They didn't know how the hell
they were gonna behave.

They watched that generation
real close.

About two years ago,
a bunch of 14 year olds
flipped over,

started spinning on
their heads.

"Holy shit, the acid babies
are here.

"Oh, fuck."

They didn't call 'em
acid babies,
they call 'em break dancers,

but we know the truth.

Fucking autism.

(SCOFFS)

Cure for autism,
two reefers and a drum set.

Now we got the yuppies, man.
I love the yuppies.

You guys took every chemical
in the world in the '60s.

Same guy now bitching about
preservatives in potato chips.

(SCOFFS)

Yeah.

Nothing survived
hippiedom, man.
Everything's gone. Ideals...

The only thing left
is good old pot.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

(MAN SHOUTING)
Yeah, you like pot, huh?

You like pot. Not as much as
the plastic sandwich bag
companies like it, man.

They know that...

What the hell do they think
is going on, man?

There's some fuckin' sandwich
glut in America or something?

Selling pot in
those bags, man.

Well, I gotta go.

I'm parked in
a handicapped space
with a ski rack on my car.

Think I'm done. Thank you.

Larry Scarano,
the Ratso Rizzo of comedy.
Give him a nice hand.

Give it up for him.

Folks, fuck off.

Right now we've got
coming to the stage

a young lady who is not only
anatomically correct,

but I don't think that
she'd let the opportunity

to use a loaded handgun
go unrealized.

Please welcome
Stephanie Hodge!

How you doin'?

I'm smoking.
I'm that way.

There's probably a lot of
non-smokers here.

You people are grinding my ass
to a bloody stub, man.

You are. I know it
pisses you off when
we smoke in public.

I just don't care.
I'm gonna start...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Yeah, man, all right.
We're tougher than them
anyway, aren't we?

We don't need little things
like oxygen to pull our ass
through a day, pal.

I'm gonna start caring
when you guys get rid
of the shit

that makes me sick in public,

things like fat guys
with their butt cracks
hanging out of their pants.

I'm not talking cleavage.

You know what I'm talking.

I'm talking very serious
butt crack canyon.

You know, that kind of thing
where if you're
sitting behind it

and you just happen to have
an envelope in your hand.

And you know somehow,
someday, that's gonna
make it to Missouri.

You know that's right.

Man, if you smoke, too,
be careful what you smoke.
Don't smoke lights.

You're just sucking
twice as hard for
half as much,

and God knows
there's no sense in that.

I smoke a real cigarette.
I smoke non-filter
Lucky Strikes.

Not a lot of us left.

Most of us are dead.

Course, that leaves more
cigarettes for me, so I really
don't give a rat's ass.

I don't even like these, man.
I smoke 'em for the old ad.
You remember that?

"So round, so firm,
so fully packed.

"So free yet

(INHALES DEEPLY)
"easy on the draw."

Man, if that don't
make you smoke, nothing will.

I'm having me a cocktail, too.

"Cocktail." There's a stupid
fuckin' word for ya.

Cocktail. Sure.
Bring me a cocktail.

I'll suck on a cocktail
all night long!

Christ, that's offensive.

You might as well just
call 'em vicar's butts,
you know what I mean?

I always drink vodka,
'cause no matter how drunk
you get, you can always order.

(DRUNKENLY) "Vodka!"

(EXHALING)

That's how I like to drink.
It's more fun.

MAN 1: Yeah!
MAN 2: Yeah!

(EXHALING)

Man, I love doin' that when
I'm home alone feeling kind of
butch, you know what I mean?

Now, you're lookin' at me like
I'm a sixth grade lesbian gym
teacher, for Christ's sake.

I'm not a dyke,
I'm not even a small bridge.
Just relax, man.

(EXHALING)

My grandmother taught me
to drink that way.

She's 98 years old.
Scares the shit out of me
every time she does that.

Her age, you're never
real sure when that

(EXHALING)

is gonna turn into...

(CHOKING)

Jesus Christ,
I'm telling you this much,

I got a fantasy
I gotta live out this year.

This is my goal.
I have a sexual fantasy.

I want Pee-wee Herman.

Oh, man, I want him bad.

'Cause you know
that's his real personality,

and you know anybody with
a personality like that,

they gotta have something
to compensate for it,
you know what I mean?

I'm just praying it's a dick
like a baseball bat.

Come on, man. If anybody's
gonna have one of
those things, give it to Pee.

He'd be so cute.

Just one leg, the other
pant leg all filled up with
a big old penile unit.

(GRUNTS)

Come on, that'd explain
why his hair sticks
straight up in front

the way it does, wouldn't it?

Explain that walk he does and
that stupid noise he makes.

(SCREAMING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Man, you know
there's not a man in here
wouldn't holler like that

if y'all could step
on your own.

Come to think of it,
there's not a woman in here

wouldn't holler like that
if you could, either.

Can you imagine
Pee-wee Herman making love
to a woman?

I am. Yeah, I imagined it.
Now you have to.

I can't bear this burden
alone any longer.

Jesus Christ, man.
He wouldn't even take
his clothes off.

He'd leave that red tie on
and those big white shoes.

Moment of climax,
he'd look at her,

(IMITATING PEE-WEE HERMAN)
"I know you are,
but what am I?"

I'm out of here,
good night.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Stephanie Hodge.
How about it, folks?
You like her?

Too bad she's got a dick.

Coming up next is a man
from Los Angeles, California,

and his motto is,
"Give me pussy
or give me pussy."

How about a nice hand
for Mr. John Fox.

Two firemen are butt-fucking
in a smoke-filled room.

The chief comes in, says,
"What are you guys doin'?"

He said, "Sir, this man's
got smoke inhalation."

He said, "Well, give him
mouth-to-mouth."

He says, "I did.
How do you think
this shit got started?"

So how many people think
I look like Captain Kangaroo
after a rough weekend, huh?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Well, you're a sensitive
group of fuckers,
I'll tell you that.

Breaking up with my
girlfriend this week.

We're at the stage
of the relationship where
you know it's over,

but you hate to lose
that stereo.

She's not that bright.
She called me up yesterday.

She said,
"John, the light bulb in
the bathroom burned out

"and I don't know
how to change it."

Said, "First, you fill
the tub with water."

Someone's taking a piss on me
right here, I think.

She's got these
press-on nails.
She wears press-on nails.

I like press-on nails,
but they're a bitch

pulling outta your asshole
in the morning,
aren't they, guys? Huh?

She likes to go
to porno movies.
You people go to porno movies?

Got to be 18 or accompanied
by a trench coat
to get into these things.

She took me to this one,
it was three-dimensional.

Three-dimensional
pornographic movie.

I sat too close
to the screen.

(CHUCKLES)

Some guy had an orgasm,
it was like, "Duck!

"I'm taking these
glasses off, man.

"You can have all the popcorn.
I don't want this shit."

But I'm watching this
pornographic movie,

I notice the guy
in front of me sitting
next to an inflatable doll.

I was thoroughly disgusted.

I could not believe a man
would bring an inflatable doll
to a pornographic film.

(CHUCKLES)

And I grabbed my sheep
and I said, "Honey,

"let's get the flock
outta here.

(BAAING) "This is a bad movie.
I'm not gonna watch this."

Lot of motels offer
rated X movies.

Now, motels, they call it
closed-circuit TV,

which is a title
that scares me.

It should scare
you folks, too.
I'll tell you why.

Like if I'm watching
a movie in Room 6,

how do I know
that I'm not the movie
in Room 7?

Wouldn't that be embarrassing?
The next day in
the parking lot,

"Hey, aren't you Bronco Bob?

"How'd you get that lamp
up your ass so fast?

"It was a miracle.
I swear to God,
it was a fucking miracle."

I'd like to meet
the person who writes
pornographic movies.

Now, there's a
sick individual.

How do you write
a pornographic movie?

There's no plot
to these things.

There's no storyline.
We're not going anywhere.

A lady goes to Kmart
to buy a toothbrush, figures,

"While I'm here,
why don't I blow somebody?"

Never happens when
I'm in Kmart.

I'd be there right now.

(CHUCKLES)

(IN DEEP VOICE)
"Attention, Kmart shoppers.

"We're having a
blue light special.

"Six inches or less in
the express lane, please.

"Looks like he's got more
than six inches up there,
God damn it!

"Now he's writing a check.
We'll be here
all fuckin' night!"

She was a real screamer
during sex.

You know how some people
be screamers and yellers
and shit?

Some people act like
people you don't even know.

You'd be having sex,
all of a sudden now,
"Put the lamp in my ass!"

I didn't know she was
a screamer.

First time
we were making love,
it was 3:00 in the morning.

I had a teeny apartment
in a very quiet, residential,
blue-collar neighborhood.

Well, she's riding
the bologna pony to heaven,
ladies and gentlemen.

She's buffing the helmet.
I got that German soldier
marching, God damn it.

She starts screaming,
"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

It's 3:00 in the morning.

I got a teeny apartment
in a very quiet, quiet,

residential neighborhood.

Well, I'm slamming some ham,
ladies and gentlemen.

I'm taking a skin bus
to tuna town, if you know
what I'm talking about.

She starts screaming,
"I'm coming, I'm coming!"

The neighbor marches over.

"Make her come, God damn it!
Make her come!

"I gotta be at work at 6:30.
Make her come!

"I got two kids want to know
where she's going!
Make her come!

"If you don't make her come,
I will, God damn it!

"And if I can't, Barney will!

"He's got a dick
looks like a leg."

I like being a comic.
I wasn't always a comic.

Before I did this,
I was a house painter
for five years. Five years.

(CHUCKLES)

I didn't think I'd ever
finish that fucking house.

Before I did that,
I used to work in a hospital.

Emergency Room,
Complaint Department.

One time this lady came in.
She was pissed off.

She was looking
for her doctor.
She found her doctor.

She backed him up
around the corner and
she said, "You son of a bitch.

"These hormone pills you've
been giving me, mister, are
just a little bit too strong!"

(CLEARS THROAT)

She said, "I got hair
growing all over my titty."

Doctor said,
"How far down does
the hair go?"

She said,
"All the way down to my dick,

"and that's another thing
I want to talk to you about."

One time this gay guy came in,
had a 12-inch vibrator
stuck up his butt.

He says, "I don't know how
it got there."

The doctor said,
"Maybe the gerbil dragged in.
You think about that?

"They've been known
to carry them
fucking things, you know."

The doctor took x-rays.
"It's gonna cost you $500
to get that thing out."

He said, "$500?

"How much just to
change the batteries?"

You guys have been
a lot of fun.
Thanks a lot. Good night.

John Fox.

He considers rape
a cheap alternative to dating.

Hey, we just had
a quick newsflash.

Bernard Goetz is back
in the news, folks.

One of the kids that
he paralyzed, Darryl Cabey,

is now suing Bernard Goetz
for $50 million,

which makes no sense,

'cause the first time
he asked Goetz for 5 bucks,
Goetz shot him.

He's a fucking
lame individual,
if you ask me.

And now, from the
great state of Texas,
ladies and gentlemen,

Houston's chocolate kiss,
Ms. Thea Vidale!
Give her a nice hand!

Hi, how you doin'?

I want us all to be friends,
and so we can all be friends,

let me tell you something
about myself.

I was married for 10 years,
and I can honestly
tell you, ladies,

after being married
for 10 years,

I rate sex right up there
with cleaning the oven and
defrosting the refrigerator.

It's a dirty job,
but somebody's gotta do it.

So that's why
I hired a maid.

And paid her 10 bucks extra
to keep the nigger off of me,
you know what I'm saying?

In 10 years of marriage,
ladies, you will discover
things about men

that you never even knew.

Like one,
a man thinks
he knows everything.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

But he don't know enough to
wipe his ass,

'cause I can get you ten men
up here and seven of 'em got
skid marks in their underwear.

But the worst thing
in the world about a man is
that they will fart anywhere.

Oh, don't look like you
don't do it, mister.

'Cause I bet you try to
make a song out of it.

And if you get a bunch of men
together, they'll harmonize.

Now, I'll be honest with you.
When I was in love
with my husband,

I used to let him
do it in the house.

But then we had children,
we bought 'em pets and such.

Honey, he let one loose,
he killed the dog, the bird...

I have never seen a fish
try to hold its breath.

And men have favorite places
they like to do it.

My husband's favorite
place is the supermarket,

'cause he'll be pushing
the cart up ahead of me,

and I'll be walking
behind him,

and he'll let one of these
lead-lifters loose and
leave me walking into it.

And it's like a time tunnel.
You can't get out.

And you can't get
but one look on your face.

"Honey, did you do that?"

"It slipped out."

"I don't think so, baby,
'cause you got a hole
in your pants

"and a green cloud
following you."

And you laughing, lady,
but you don't have
no titties at all.

You got little
speed-bump titties.

I think Barbie's titties
is bigger than yours, baby.

Maybe Ken's.
You got little eggs that are
never gonna hatch, honey.

And your man is
laughing at ya.

But he won't be laughing
tonight, will he, baby?

'Cause he gonna want
some pussy, ain't that right?

She told me she could
suck your dick

and eat a spaghetti dinner
at the same time.

And this motherfucker
over here, he talking shit.

You ain't had a pussy
since pussy had you.

And, you know, I just
got divorced, honey.

It's breaking my heart. I just
got divorced, 'cause I know
in my heart I was a good wife.

I was a damn good wife.
I cooked, I cleaned, I breeded
children, I swallowed.

I was a damn good wife.

And it's hard to say
this shit, but, you know,
datin' is hard work,

'cause you can go
to any club right now
and you'll see some man

standing by the bar in a
three-piece suit like he's
posing for
GQ
magazine.

You've seen him,
haven't you, ladies?
Talking about...

In reality, you know that
suit came from JC Penney's.

59.95,
two pair of pants,
reversible vest, two shirts

and a tie for good luck.

And he's standin'
in front of the real man,
the true man,

the man with the hairy chest
and the gold chains.

WOMEN: Yes!

And the real man comes
up to you and says,

"Hi, babe. I'm 27, I'm single,

"I have a brand-new condo and
a 1988 custom-designed Porsche
out in the parkin' lot.

"How does that
sound to you, babe?"

"Sound like you got
a lot of bills, son.

"I'm lookin' for somebody
got their shit paid for."

The real man buys you a drink.

He thinks now you're
supposed to go
to bed with him.

What prostitute in the world
you know go to bed with
somebody for $3.25?

(LAUGHS) Let's say...

(IN HIGH-PITCHED VOICE)
You gotta keep up.

Let's say we decide to go
to bed with the real man,

and you start to
kiss his chest.

Have you ever noticed that
he starts pushin' your
head down like this,

like "X" marks the spot?

"Give Mr. Winky a kiss."

But I think we ladies
ought to get together

and make a list of all
the men that can't make love

and nominate one
for a poster child.
What do you say, girls?

(WOMEN CHEERING)

Oh, yeah!

We could have a telethon,
be like Jerry's Kids,

called the Fuckless
Wonders of America.

We could have
three categories,
comatose genitalia,

or lack of hardness, or as we
say in the street, dead meat.

We could have that other
problem men have,
spermazol projectory,

or Johnny-Come-Quickly
Syndrome.

And that last one, that's
a real heartbreaker for me,
excess foreskin.

All that meat and don't
know how to use it.

'Cause if you think
about it, ladies,

for 30 minutes
of a man's pleasure, hell,
he could wipe it off

with a Kleenex
and call it a day.

Women have to get up,
go to the bathroom, douche,

take a shower,
wear a minipad...
Come back to bed,

this motherfucker
been sleepin' an hour and
we didn't have a good time.

Now, I got... You know...
But it's almost time for me
to head out,

so y'all been interesting.

Y'all some sick
motherfuckers,
but I like you.

I'm gonna leave you
with some advice.

Ladies...
WOMAN: What?

...make the men
spend money.

MAN: Boo!

Make 'em spend money,

'cause if they take
you to Burger King
and you give 'em some,

they gonna talk about that.

Now, here's my
advice for the men.
MAN: Thea!

If a man has good credit,
a woman will fake an orgasm.

Don't lie, ladies.
I know you do.

'Cause I was datin'
my husband, he wasn't
no bigger than this.

But, my, he had a
good line of credit.

We'd be in the bed
sometime, I'd be goin'...

(SCREAMING)

"Baby, baby!"

(SCREAMING)

"Can we go shoppin' now?"
Thank you.
You've been a lot of fun.

Thea Vidale. Thea Vidale.
Give her a nice hand, folks.

Houston's answer to Mae West.

And now, from Detroit,
Michigan, don't
forget the Motor City,

we got a gentleman
who says you don't have
to be clean to be funny.

And he likes to hang out
at porno shops
'cause he likes the food.

Please welcome Mr. Tim Allen.

Yes, hello.
WOMAN: Hey.

God, I just spent eight days
with my brothers,
all seven of 'em,

and I had to
realize one thing,
men are pigs.

Right, women?

WOMEN: Yeah! Yeah!
Aren't we pigs?

Yeah!
(LAUGHS) Yeah!

Just too damn bad
we own everything,
isn't it?

(LAUGHING EVILLY)

God, my balls
are big right now
and I don't know why.

Humidity, I think.
My mother raised
seven boys,

said, "You men are pigs.
Don't speak to me. Grunt
like the pigs you are."

(GRUNTING)

All you men need
are three things.

(GRUNTING)

The only reason
men are alive,
according to my mother,

is lawn care
and vehicle maintenance.

Because men are pigs.
We do horrible things,
don't we?

WOMAN: Yeah!
Men will light farts. I don't
know why we do this.

There's not a man out there
hasn't had a blue flame
shootin' out of his butt

one time or another.

They're pretty goddamn
happy about it, too, huh?

Women don't do
shit like this.

If a woman saw another
woman's butt in the air
and a flame

comin' out of there?

"Hey, hey, hey,
hey, hey! Stop that."

But not a man.
Boy, see the man's butt
in the air,

flame comin' out?

(GRUNTING)

And men like to burp.
Oh, burping's a big
thing for men.

"Honey, that was some
pretty good eatin'."

(BURPING)

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE) "Well,
let me wipe the shit out
of my eye. Thanks for that."

Ever had the weird burp,
right between a vomit
and a burp, a vurp?

(AUDIENCE GROANING IN DISGUST)
You have, fuck you.

You've seen guys doin' that.
"Bob, I saw you..."

(BURPING)

Then you gotta re-eat it.
Oh, um...

(AUDIENCE GROANING IN DISGUST)

Oh, forget the guy's feelings
in front of you.
"What the fuck was that, man?

"Whoo! You killed
my dog on that
son of a bitch, boy.

"You should eat some
fruit or somethin'."

And men are shit experts.
We're shitsperts.

Oh, men love shittin'
and talkin' about it.

"Honey, I gotta take
a healthy dump."

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Well, I'm glad you
alerted me to that."

There's not a guy out here
that doesn't take their
shit like a creation.

(VOCALIZING)

♪ Look what I've done

There's not a guy in here
doesn't take a good look at it
before he lets it go down.

Yeah!

"Honey, come on
up here a minute!

"And grab that
tape measure.
Come on.

"Think we got
a keeper here, honey!"

I think men would just as
soon put a hook through it
and get their picture took.

(GRUNTING)

We don't know
shit about nothin'.

Women got products.
"What is this?"

Uh, my brother's
now lookin'
at my mom, goin',

"Hey, Ma,
what's a vinegar
and water doche?"

"That's a 'douche.'"

(GRUNTS)

"Who makes this? Wish-Bone?
What the hell is this, huh?"

I've seen some weird ones.
I saw Massengill has a douche
with a hint of musk.

(GROANS)

Just a bit redundant,
don't you think?

Tryin' to make a beaver
smell like a possum.
Here's a good idea.

And training bras.
What are you training them
for? Let them grow wild.

(VOCALIZING)

Boobs don't need training.
It's Gomer caused all
the goddamn trouble.

That's right,
God's fault.

God made a man's arm
just long enough,
you drop it...

(GRUNTING)

You'd be a fool not to
take advantage of a position
like that, wouldn't ya?

My mom hated it.
"Boy, stop
touching yourself."

(GRUNTING)

We love doin' that.

Around here, you...
I see all these
people go,

"Yeah, right here.
Mow this, rake this,
mow here.

"Why don't you sidewalk this?"

What the fuck
does that mean?

Like your balls
are courageous.

"Hey, Bob, that took
a set of balls, buddy.

"Pretty ballsy, Bobby.

"Boy, that Bob's got
a set of balls on him.

(GRUNTING) "Oh, yeah."

Bullshit. What's the first
thing to shrink on a man
when he's real scared?

(EXCLAIMS)

Your nuts are hidin' behind
your pancreas.
"Get the fuck out of there!"

It's women should have
the goddamn balls.
My mom's a feminist author.

She says,
"Women should have
the goddamn balls.

"We have the periods,
we have the kids,
but you men...

"Same jobs, less pay.
We gotta..."

You women should have
the balls, right?

WOMEN: Yeah!
Yeah, fuck you,
look at them.

Do you want a set
of these ugly fuckers?
I don't think so.

It's like God had some
elbow skin left over, see.
"Yeah, wrap it in that."

A major design
problem here.

Ever caught your old man nude,
tryin' to put that bathmat
on the bathtub?

"I'll get it, honey."

Boy, you walk in
there and go,
"What'd I marry, a goat?

"What the hell are those?

"Why don't you get some
Saran Wrap, honey?

"Don't they spoil
when they're out
like that?"

Damn right. Women, they should
use your ovaries. You're not
ballsy, you're ovarian.

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Helen, that took a set
of ovaries, babe.

"Pretty ovarian, Helen.

"That Helen's got a set
of ovaries on her."

(GRUNTING DAINTILY)

And you can be
like an old man.
He's out there being a prick.

"Hey, honey, get me
a beer, will ya, bitch?"

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Yeah, beer these, will ya?
Beer right fuckin' here, eh?"

You women don't want balls,
no more than men want periods.

Men with periods,
wouldn't that be great?

WOMEN: Yeah!
(IN WOMAN'S VOICE) "Yeah!

"Why don't you deal
with the bloat,

"the cramps,

"the tender tits?"

Aren't those fuckers weird.

Just when they look great,
you can't fucking touch them.

"Honey, those look..."

(SCREAMS IN WOMAN'S VOICE)

I'd like to see
men with periods.

"Hey, Bob, how you doin'?"
"Well, not so good today.

"Oh, boy, I feel
so fat and ugly.
I don't know.

"God, my tits are killin' me.
I swear to God, I...

"Yeah, I'm flowing like
a goddamn river all day.
I..."

"You on the fucking rag, Bob?"
"Yeah, I'm on the fucking rag
today, I am.

"I'm tryin' those
light pads from Miller."

"Yeah, they're not good, Bob."

Fuck, right!
But women don't know
all about men.

They don't. They don't
know nothin' about boners.

Boners, B-O-N-E-R-S.

♪ Boners, boners
boners, boners

♪ Boners, boners
boners, boners ♪

Two kinds of boners,

the sleazy sexual boner
like this guy's
got right here...

I'm not talkin' about that.
I'm talkin' about
the innocent boner,

the boner men get like
20 times a day
for no fuckin' reason.

3:00 in the afternoon,
all of a sudden...

(EXCLAIMS)

(LAUGHS) Hey,
what the hell's
that all about?

You get that goofy little
I-got-a-woody smile.

(CHUCKLES)

Can't get 'em
when she wants 'em.

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Is that it for the night,
then, Tiger?"

I love that early morning
boner, though.
That's my favorite.

That boner that's up
a little before you are.

6:00, 7:00, 8:00.

"Good morning, world.
What the hell's
that all about?"

(VOCALIZING)

The hammer of Thor!

(GRUNTING)

Boy, I saunter around
the house lookin' for prey.

(GRUNTING)

Cat and the dog
are going, "Get the fuck
out of here with it."

Women always
think it's for them.

My dad used to call that baby
"Mornin' stiffness, boys."

He'd walk by
with a towel on it.
"Shower time!"

Always wanted to pee with us.
"Come on, boys, pee with Dad."

"No, you got that big old
dick hanging out. No."

You're a little kid,
you got that little
mushroom cap.

Dad's got this
dick of death.

(IMITATES THUDDING)

(SCREAMING)

But women always think
that boner's got their
goddamn name on it.

(IN WOMAN'S VOICE)
"Hmm, aren't we up
early this morning?"

(VOCALIZING)

"Yeah, but I gotta pee
out of it, and that could
take some goddamn time, babe."

Women don't know
about peein' out of
a morning boner, do they?

Saunter around the house
with a loaded goddamn boner.
"Watch out, give me room!"

Gotta plant them feet,
bend them knees.

Push off of that wall
and get down on it.

You let it go, it looks
like a Wham-o Water Wiggle.
"Watch out!"

I'm all through.
You guys have been
a lot of fun.

Thank you all very much.

Keep it going
for Tim Allen, folks.

Now, in the tradition
of the fine comedy teams
like Abbott and Costello,

Laurel and Hardy,
Sharpton and Maddox,

we proudly present
Otto and George.

Thank you.

Thank you. It's really
great to be here tonight.

My name's Otto Petersen.
This is my good friend,
George Dudley.

How you doing, George?
You nervous?

Hey, I gotta work
with your hand
in my ass.

I'm fucking
uncomfortable here.

I gotta take a shit
and everything.

Sorry.
I had to ride here in the
trunk of the car. It sucked!

It was boring.
I Turtle Waxed my dick,

I was so fucking
bored in there.

Johnson's Turtle Wax,
three coats.

I want to see
the water jumping
off of it.

That's right,
I got a wooden cock.

I was circumcised
with a pencil sharpener.

Least I stay hard
when I'm drunk.

(LAUGHS) Laugh it off,
you fuckin' hard-ons.

(CLEARS THROAT) George,
please watch it.
There are ladies here.

There's ladies here?
Blow jobs! Protein Slurpees!
Check it out.

Who saw this movie?
E.T. Goes Down.

Stop that.

Blow jobs. My girlfriend
gave me skull last night.

She did a good job.
When she was done,

my cock looked like
a totem pole and her face
looked like a glazed donut.

Protein Slurpees.

(CLEARING THROAT) All right.
George, uh, can't we do
one of our old routines?

Eh, you hard-on.
Okay.

Right now, we're gonna do
some classic ventriloquism.

Otto here is gonna drink
a glass of water

and blow me while I sing
Lady of Spain.
Blow jobs!

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)
All right.
Everybody laughed.

Hey, how many of you
masturbate?
Raise your good hand.

I ain't ashamed
to admit it.
I beat my wood.

There's nothing wrong
with jerking off.

Jesus Christ,
I tried phone sex today.

How'd that
work out?

Terrible. My dick got
caught in the nine.

(LAUGHS)
All right.

That party line is
a bunch of shit.

They show these
beautiful girls,
everybody calls it up,

20,000 guys
are jerking off to one
fat bitch in Jersey.

I'm horny.
Take it easy now.

I got a log
in my underwear.

All right.

Let's go to Macy's
and fuck some mannequins.

No way.

You ever fuck a mannequin?
They're nice and tight.

(CLEARING THROAT)

I fuck the mannequins
at Macy's, but I buy
in Alexander's.

(LAUGHS)

I'm going to Macy's.
All right.

I'm gonna fuck
the whole store.

All right, take
it easy now.

I'm gonna fuck the first
and second floor.

You can nail
the third floor.

Okay.
That's lawn mowers,
you dopey bastard.

Okay.

Look at this shit.
They gave me
my own microphone.

Stupid cocksuckers
think I'm real.

You ever see that
Twilight Zone
episode?

Yeah, I saw that shit.

That's my favorite show.

Yeah, I wonder why.

I met Rod Serling once.
He had a huge cock
with eyebrows on it.

(LAUGHING)

All right.

So you like porno movies?
I made one.

It's a fuck film
with all puppets.

It's called Caligula,
Fran and Ollie.

I fuck Miss Piggy
in this movie.
I porked her.

Bacon shot out of her ears.
I porked that bitch.

(CLEARS THROAT)
All right.

All right, don't you think
this is a nice audience?

Yeah, I've seen happier
faces at firing squads.

Folks, I drive
a cab for a living
here in New York.

Any of you cheap
bastards take cabs?
See if you recognize me.

Hey, you want to
get my feet back
on the chair?

I'm fucking swinging here...
I'm sorry.

...like a marionette.
All right.

Make my ass look real. Okay.

Get a fucking illusion
going here.

All right.

Hey, George, uh,
how's your girlfriend
Gina doing?

Oh, that slut?

What do you call
her that for?

This girl's a slut.
One time she
spread her legs,

and a Greyhound
bus came out.

The bus driver had
a clothespin on his nose

and the passengers wanted
their money back.
I exaggerate to clarify.

You know, I went
to pick her up one time
and her father was there.

What a fucking idiot.

What happened?
The guys says to me,

"What are your intentions
with my daughter?"

I said, "Well, sir, I'd like
to get the ball rolling

"by de-veining your cock
with a clam knife.

"Then I'm gonna take
your daughter
with my eight friends

"and we're all gonna get
blow jobs from her.
Protein Slurpees all around."

All right.

What are my intentions?
I'm gonna try to fuck her.

All right.

I wrote a song about her.
It's called,

How Can I Tell You I Love You
When I Can Hardly Breathe
Down Here?

Thank you very much.
We're Otto and George.

Yeah, laugh and the world
laughs with you,
fart and you sleep alone.

Thank you, thank you.

Otto and George.
That's right,
a boy and his log.

And now, from Los Angeles,
California, the only man

who's ever been kicked out
of a Motley Crue concert
for being too loud,

please welcome
Joey Gaynor.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)
Hello, New York!

All right! It's great to be
fuckin' back, it really is.

I'm from Newark,
New Jersey, originally.
It's great to be here.

Yeah!

I was the only white member
of an all black gang.

We all had nicknames.
It was Crip, Box, Slash.

I was Target,
so it's really nice to be
alive this time of year.

Yeah, being from New Jersey,
my favorite singer was
Frank Sinatra, naturally.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Frank's a great singer,
great man, great singer.

Can sing any fuckin'
song under the sun,
it doesn't matter,

he makes it brilliant.

Stupid songs, imbecile songs.

♪ Kumbaya
Hey, cuckoo, kumbaya

♪ The answer,
my friend, is...

(BLOWING)

♪ In the wind

You know,
doesn't fucking matter.
It don't matter.

He could come out
and sing the stupidest shit
ever written, it's a hit.

♪ If the lady's
got six elbows

♪ And a horn
between her eyes

♪ If she's got what
looks like a potato

♪ Bulging down there
between her thighs

♪ If she's gotta shave
twice a day

♪ Once at 9:00
and again at 5:00

♪ The chances are, Jack,
ho, this chick is a guy ♪

It doesn't fuckin'
matter. Am I right?

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Now, don't get me wrong,
I love... I love entertainers
and I love television.

I love performing.
That's why I'm here.

It's the only
reason I'm here.
I love music.

Except Bruce Springsteen.
I don't love Bruce Springsteen
like I used to.

Oh, Bruce, yeah, come on.

Let's be serious,
let's be objective,
let's open our minds.

Bruce has been singing
the same fucking song
for 12 years, all right?

How much more bullshit...
If we can get Reagan out
of fuckin' office,

we can tell Bruce
to write new songs, okay?

I mean, Reagan only became
president to get
the medical benefits.

This fuck, you know,

every three months
he had his dick cut off,
his hair dyed...

Put a heart in his chest,
he'd have been
a good president, right?

But Springsteen,
every song,
his car and his job.

♪ I had a car
I had a job
I go to work

♪ Every day in my car
Then I bought another car

♪ And I got another job,
so I bought four more cars

♪ Then I bought a garage

♪ And I ain't got no life

♪ I don't want no wife

♪ I just want my cars
and I want my job

♪ I got fired last night
for workin' on my car

♪ So I sold the garage

♪ Now I ain't got no car

♪ 'Cause you're not
supposed to work
on your car at your job ♪

That's great shit, yeah.
Fuckin' Mozart's...

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Mozart's rollin' over
in the fuckin' grave
over there.

Yeah, the hotel
I'm stayin' in,

they got great
air conditioning.

It's really great. It's great.
It's run by Puerto Rican guys.

I asked for a wakeup call
today. 7:30, I get a... I get
a call with a fuckin' tape.

(IN PUERTO RICAN ACCENT)
"Get the fuck up, man. Beep.
Get the fuck up, man. Beep.

"Come on down
for taco and beer breakfast."
You know, yeah.

Better than a fuckin'
Iranian cab driver.
Those guys, Jesus Christ.

"You got change for a 20?"

(IN IRANIAN ACCENT)
"Tell what you want.
Come on, please.

"I don't know. I just...
"What do you need? Come on,
don't fuck around,

"don't fuck around. Come on.
Don't... I can fuck you, too!

"I love Pakistan Man."

That's a great game,
Pakistan Man.

The fuckin' thing sits there.
Don't eat the dots.
It's great.

(SCOFFS)

Oh, it's great
to be in New York, though.
I love New York.

♪ Autumn in New York,
the sounds are so inviting ♪

"Freeze, motherfucker!"

It's great to be here.
I love singers, though.
I'm a frustrated singer.

(CLEARS THROAT)
Two singers I love the most,
if I can get these out,

Ray Charles, Joe Cocker.
I love 'em.

(IMITATING RAY CHARLES)
"Test the microphone.

"They locked my ass
in the men's room again.

"Just kiddin'. Can I get
some mood lighting?
Oh, that's perfect.

(CHUCKLES)

"Thank you,
ladies and gentlemen.

"I'd like to bring out
a good friend of mine
from London, England.

"Fella by the name
of Joe Cocker.
Come on out here, Joe."

(IMITATING JOE COCKER)
"All right! I want to
thank my mom

"for the tie
she sent for Christmas.

"We smoked it all
on the fuckin' bus.
Man, it was great."

(IMITATING RAY CHARLES)
"All right, let's do
the song, Joe."

(CLEARING THROAT)

♪ O beautiful

♪ For spacious skies

♪ For amber waves of grain

"Take it, Joe."

(IMITATING JOE COCKER)
♪ Oh, purple mountain
majesties

♪ Above the fruited plain

(IMITATING RAY CHARLES)
♪ Oh, America
Oh, America

♪ God shed his grace on you

(IMITATING JOE COCKER)
♪ Oh, crown thy good

(IMITATING RAY CHARLES)
♪ With some motherfucking
motherhood

(IMITATING JOE COCKER)
"Fuck, Ray."

♪ From sea

(IMITATING RAY CHARLES) ♪ To

(IMITATING JOE COCKER)
♪ Shinin'

(IMITATES BOTH RAY CHARLES
AND JOE COCKER)
♪ Sea

Good night, goodbye!
I love you, New York!

All right! I love you!

Joey Gaynor, folks.
The boy next door.

Cell D.

Now, ladies and gentlemen,
our next performer has been
quoted in
Attitude
magazine

as being a statesman
for his generation.

He's a comic, a poet,
a revolutionary.
Mr. Bill Hicks.

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Let me hear you say yeah!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Say it! Yeah!

Yeah!

Well, all right.
All right.

That's it.
End of your part.
Thank you.

Hope you don't mind
if I smoke. I know
it's gettin' harder and harder

to find a place
to smoke these days.

I feel like I'm in high
school with the bathroom
window cracked again.

You know, they say cigarette
addiction is harder to break
than heroin addiction.

Yeah, so I'm 0 for 2.

(SCOFFS)

And I don't do drugs.

I don't think they tell us
the truth about drugs,
though, you know.

They tell you marijuana
smoking makes you unmotivated.

That's bullshit.
WOMAN: Yeah.

When I was high,
I could do everything
I normally could do

just as well, I just realized
it wasn't worth the fuckin'
effort, man. That was it.

Why get out of bed?
Shit, I'm just
gonna get in traffic

and go to a job
I hate. Fuck it.

Stay in bed
and watch cartoons.

All the news stories
about drugs are negative.

Same LSD story every time.

"Young man on acid
thought he could fly,
jumped out of a building.

"What a tragedy."

I'm thinkin',
"What a dick."

If he thought he could fly,
why didn't he take off
from the ground

and check it out first?

Why ruin it
for everybody else?

You don't see ducks lined up
to catch elevators to fly
south, God damn it.

I'd like to see
a positive LSD story.
Would that be newsworthy?

Just once?

"Today a young man on acid
realized that all matter
is merely energy condensed

"to a slower vibration,
that we are all
one consciousness

"experiencing itself
subjectively.

"There's no such
thing as death.

"Life is only a dream
and you're the imagination
of yourselves.

"Here's Tom with the weather."

What a fuckin' story.

Why do people do drugs?
Why do you do drugs?
Why?

Who wants to live
in this fuckin' world?
Who? Who?

A world where
John Lennon
was murdered,

yet Barry Manilow
continues to put out
fuckin' albums, man.

That's where we live.

Why is it always good
guys are murdered?
John Lennon murdered,

John Kennedy murdered.
Why is it good guys
are murdered

and mediocre hacks
live on forever?

Martin Luther King murdered,
Gandhi murdered,
Jesus murdered.

Reagan shot, wounded,
cancer eight times.
That fucker still walks.

(GROWLING)

This guy's like Jason
at this point, man.

(IMITATING RONALD REAGAN)
"I'm back."

(SCREAMS)

I'm waiting to see him
in a hockey mask
any speech now.

(IMITATING RONALD REAGAN)
"Well, you shot me, I'm back.
Cancer on my nose, I'm back.

"Cancer in my ass,
I'm back."

My God, what's it gonna take?

A syringe of AIDS
shot in your eyeball?
I'll do it.

A Trident missile
shot up your fascist,
evil, mean-spirited,

corporate puppet,
devil cocksuckin' ass?

Where's the button?

Ronald, six letters,
Wilson, six letters,
Reagan, six letters.

Pretty frightening
coincidence there, huh?

But I do not believe
he's the anti-Christ,

'cause that'd be too obvious
and he's too stupid.

But I'm gonna tell you
something. I know who
the anti-Christ is.

He is in physical form,
he is upon the Earth.
I know who it is.

Pretty heavy burden,
but I do.

WOMAN: Who is it?
Dick Clark.

Dick Clark.
Yup, you love him.

What else would
Satan do, huh?

Master of lies,
year after year,
week after week,

systematically lowering
the standards of the Earth,
making mediocrity a goal.

Dick fucking Clark.

As long as he's been on TV,
he hasn't aged one fuckin'
day, man, has he?

Doesn't seem
human does it?
Natural.

That's not Dick Clark.

That's a Dick Clark
rubber mask with a zipper
in the back.

Underneath,

when he gets off that TV show,
after he's brought you
Rick Astley and Debbie Gibson

with a straight face,
there's another clue,

he goes into his office
and he unzips that zipper.

Underneath there's a cloven
hooved, horned wolverine.

(DISTORTED VOCALIZING)

There's a knock at the door,
the door opens,
John Davidson walks in.

(DISTORTED VOCALIZING)

John Davidson drops his pants
and his bikini panties
and leans over a desk

and the wolverine
mounts him.

(DISTORTED VOCALIZING)

A black, blood-gorged tick
crawls out of the scaly penis
of the wolverine

into the bowels
of John Davidson.

John Davidson is now
pregnant with the children
of the Prince of Darkness.

In the off-season, he becomes
fat and swollen and begins
to shit the brood.

(GRUNTING)

Geraldo Rivera.

(GRUNTING)

Kenny Rogers.

(GRUNTING)

Wham.

(GRUNTING)

Oprah.

Can't you see?

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Thank you.
My mom wrote that.

(AUDIENCE LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

Come on.

Well, you've been
a very nice crowd.

Before you go,
I understand there's
tensions out there.

I understand people
are snapping right and left,
killing other people.

If you're gonna kill somebody,
have some taste about you.

Don't kill fuckin'
John Lennons of the world.

And I know I could snap.
I know it, I feel it,
I hate it, I got it.

I'm at a red light.
The guy before me has
his right blinker blinkin'

and he's not turnin'.

Man, I'm just...

(LAUGHING NERVOUSLY)

Fuck it.

(IMITATING GUNSHOTS)

You can make
a right on red,
you fuckin' asshole!

Everybody in the goddamn
world knows that!

Children raised by wolves
know that! Wolves know it!

(IMITATING GUNSHOTS)

Just don't kill good people.
Thank you very much.
You've been great.

Let me hear you say yeah!

AUDIENCE: Yeah!

Okay.

Keep it going
for Bill Hicks.

Bill has a new book out,
by the way. He wrote
a children's book.

It's called
How To Kill Grandpa.
Pick up a copy.

Now coming to the stage
is a man who lives
in New York City

and Los Angeles.
He's got a big
fuckin' house.

He's the only thing
that Einstein could
never figure out.

Steven Pearl!

All right, how are ya?
Yeah, fuckin' A, man.

Oh, I shouldn't
smoke on stage.

Smokin' these
new Jewish Mother
cigarettes.

All right, it has a warning,
"Go ahead, smoke,
ruin your health,

"break my heart,
see if I care.
You're a bum.

"Do something with your life.
Quit sittin' around.

"You're 37 years old,
get a job.
Your father and I hate you..."

Shut up, Ma.

The black people
are laughing. I'm safe.

♪ Oh, the Negro
and the Hebrew
should be friends

Come on!

♪ Oh, the Negro
and the Hebrew
should be friends

♪ Should be friends

♪ Hey, I don't care
if you steal my car

♪ I got more cash
in the cookie jar
The Negro... ♪

Come on! We'll go
to Alabama, you racist fucks.

So, folk song.

Yeah! Yeah.
My name's Steven Pearl.
I live in L.A. now.

Before that, I lived
in San Francisco
for seven years.

"Oh, then he must be gay."
No, I'm not!

I'm a man, I'm tough,
I jerk off with sandpaper.

(GRUNTING)

(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER)
I am tough and strong
like Arnold Schwarzenegger.

(LAUGHS) Arnold's cool.
I saw him on
The Merv Griffin Show once.

(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER)
"You know, Merv.

"I do not mean to brag,
but I am so strong,

"I could butt fuck you
with my nipple and kill you."

Merv went,
"Ooh! Ooh! We'll be back
after many commercials."

(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER)
"I need a lubricant, Merv."

Oh, great.

Well, I got Arnold's
new rap record.

(IMITATING SCHWARZENEGGER)
♪ I am Arnold Schwarzenegger,
happy as can be

♪ 'Cause I am fucking
a Kennedy ♪

(GRUNTING)

Come on, break dance
with Oprah Winfrey.

(BREATHING HEAVILY)

(IMITATING OPRAH) "Honey,
I'm sweating big sticks
of butter." Yeah.

Oh, man. First time I ever
did comedy in my life

was in a town
called Berkeley, California,
the land that time forgot.

Go to Berkeley today, there's
a guy on every corner with
elephant bellbottoms goin',

"Anyone got Hendrix tickets?

"What? He did? When?"
Yeah, great, man.

You hear about acid rain
in Berkeley.
They walk around like...

Tie-dyed armpits.
It's nice, you know.

First time I ever did
comedy was in Berkeley
ten years ago.

I'd never been on stage
in my life.
I'm freakin' out.

I'm sweating like Elvis
after a bowl of chili, man.
Just freakin' out.

On top of that it was
Lesbian Poetry Night.
Oh, good.

My first time ever on stage,
I gotta follow
a pissed off dyke

who looks like
Ernest Borgnine.
All right, showbiz.

It's like,
"Now the poetry
of Maude Butch."

"Men, men, men. Evil men.
Evil men with your penises
representing death and hell.

"Rip them off
and bleed to death.
Die, men. I hate you, men."

"And now the comedy
of Steven Pearl."

(LAUGHING)

(IMITATING ROCHESTER)
"Whoa-wee, Mr. Benny,
I smell flannel."

Yeah, it was fun.

New York.
Fuckin' New York, man.

Lot of happy people
in New York City.

"Hey, fuck you, Vinnie. Right
here, dick brain, huh? Blow
me, douche bag, fuckface."

"Great sermon, Father.
See you next Sunday."

Hey, how are you?

Hey, you,
don't piss in
the collection plate. Yeah.

It ain't too degrading
living here if we don't
make a lot of money.

Get an apartment the size
of a shot glass,
$8 million a month rent.

Beautiful view of a brick wall
and a bloody dismembered
hand hanging.

Hey, this is livin'.

Fuckin' big-ass
cockroaches for a roommate.
New York roaches, man.

Footballs with legs.

(IMITATING FOOTSTEPS THUDDING)

Oh, must be the leader.
He has the word "Voit"
written on him.

Shit. New York roaches
ain't scared of nothin'.

You come home, the roaches go,
"Turn that fuckin' light off,
we're mating!"

"Okay, yes, sir."

"Leave the rent under
the door, shit for brains!"

"Yes, sir."

Can't kill a New York roach,
they're too tough.

Put the decon bug powder down,
come back an hour later,
this big old roach is going,

(SNIFFING)

"Party!"

(LAUGHING)

"I want my money back, man.
This shit's cut with Raid."

Oh, fuck.
New York City, goddamn.
Having fun tonight.

"When I was a boy,
we didn't have fun."
That's my grandfather.

"When I was a boy,
we didn't have gravity
or weather.

"We didn't have penises
or..." "Shut up, Grandpa."

I feel like doin' that now.

I'm 32. Times have changed
so much since I was 22,

feel like doin' the Grandpa
bit to teenagers today.

"When I was your age,
we didn't have MTV.

"We had to take drugs
and go to concerts."

"Oh, what do you know?"

It's scary.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Oh, thank you for that
Star Search
applause.

Star Search...
That fat fuck,
Ed McMahon.

(LAUGHS)

(IMITATING ED McMAHON)
"Our
Star Search
singer tonight

"sucks massive amounts
of dick.

(GUFFAWING)

(GRUNTING)

"Perfect tens.
Bonus points
for swallowing."

I hate this fuckin' show.

(IMITATING ED McMAHON)
"As usual, our
Star Search
dance team is made up of

"an uptight Manhattan bitch
with an attitude
and a gay Puerto Rican.

(GUFFAWING)

"Here is Cunt and Hernandez."

This show, man.

(IMITATING ED McMAHON)
"Star Search
judges
are powerful Hollywood Hebrews

"who wouldn't know real
talent if it rented space
up their asshole."

(GUFFAWING)

Fuck this, man.

Worst...

(IMITATING ED McMAHON)
"Our
Star Search
comedian
is so generic,

"he's his own
fucking challenger."

(GUFFAWING)

I hate this show.

Anyway, you've been great.
I gotta go.

They don't know...
I gotta get back to work.

They don't know I'm gone
at Burger King yet, so...

My job is
to spray paint the phony
grill marks on the burgers

so they look cooked.

(IMITATES SPRAYING)

Thank you very much,
New York! Rock and roll!

Rock and roll, New York!
Yeah!

Steve Pearl!

Steven Pearl.
Who's your tailor,
Emmett Kelly?

And now for some poetry.
There was a young girl
from Nantucket

who loved to suck dick.
Thank you.

And now, I'm sorry,
I have no time for any more.

Coming to the stage, folks...
You guys have been
a great crowd tonight,

holdin' in there,
keepin' the energy
up and... You know?

Right now, give
yourselves a hand.

(AUDIENCE APPLAUDING)

Right now... Right now,
that's about to pay off
big time

because we have for you,
coming to the stage right
now, you know him,

you love him.
He's a gentleman who...
You're gonna love

his jokes so much, you're
gonna want to take him home
and tell him to your friends.

Just make sure
you wash him off
before you do.

Ladies and gentlemen,
how about a nice hand

for Jackie
"The Jokeman" Martling!
Give him a nice hand.

Hey!

All right! Everybody's
in a good mood?

I love it when
the Jewish girls
get excited.

Their nipples get hard
and point at doctors
and lawyers.

WOMAN: All right.
Girl goes to
the gynecologist.

He examines her. He says,
"You have acute vaginitis."

She says,
"Thank you."

Guy goes on a date,
puts in his finger.

She says,
"Put another finger."

He says, "What do you want
to do, whistle?"

What's it mean
when two lesbians
make love?

It doesn't mean dick.

Couple's in the living room.
He says, "You're dry tonight."

She says,
"You're lickin' the rug."

Guy's gettin' married on
Saturday. Friday night,
his friends take him out,

get him waylaid, by-laid,
Rolaid, mislaid, up, down,
up, bing, bang, boom.

Forget it, his pecker's
a mangled mess.

What to do?
He takes two
Popsicle sticks,

puts 'em here,
wraps 'em in adhesive tape.

Next day, here they are
in the honeymoon suite.
She walks out stark naked.

She says, "Look, honey.
Untouched by human hands."

You gotta think quick.
He pulls down his pants,
says, "Look, huh?

"Not even out
of the crate."

I'm in a good mood.
My brother got
laid last week.

He snuck up on me,
the bastard.

So a college professor goes
to bed with his wife.
He's not that tired,

so he's gonna stay awake
and read while she sleeps,
right?

So he's readin'.
Every once in a while,
he reaches over

and tickles her
on the fun spot like,
"Hoochie, coochie, coochie."

(LAUGHING) I know
the end of this.

"Coochie, coochie..."
She says, "Will you
stop that?

"Will you stop reachin'
over here and teasin'
me like that?"

He says, "I'm not
teasin' you."

He says,
"I'm wettin' my fingers
so I can turn the page."

Come on!

Hey, you think
that's rough on you,

you think that's
rough on you, I tried that
stunt with my old lady.

Next day, she signed
me up for Evelyn Wood's
Speed Reading.

My old lady drives me crazy.
She told me pickin' my nose
was disgusting,

and from now on,
I gotta do it myself.

Three guys and a girl
marooned on a desert island.

Three guys and girl
marooned on a desert island.

After one week,
the girl's so ashamed
of what she's doin',

she kills herself.

After another week,
the guys are so ashamed
of what they're doin',

they bury her.

(AUDIENCE GROANING IN DISGUST)

Hey, after another week,
they're so ashamed
of what they're doin',

they dig her up again.

So this sex therapist
says to the British guy,
the French guy,

and the Italian guy, "What do
you do to drive your wife
crazy after sex?"

The British guy says,
"Well, sometimes
I brush her pubic hair.

"She goes crazy."
French guy says,

"Well,
monsieur,
sometimes
I drink champagne
from belly button.

(IMITATES SIPPING)

"She goes crazy."
He says to the Italian,
"What about you?"

He says, "What do I do
to drive her crazy after sex?

"Sometimes I wipe
my dick on the drapes.
She goes fuckin' nuts."

Nurse walks in, says,
"Doc, what are you doin'?"

He says, "I'm writin'
a prescription."

She says,
"But you're holdin'
your thermometer."

He says, "Jesus Christ,
some asshole's got my pen."

Did you hear about the guy
that couldn't come?
We had to go get him.

Skinny guy went to Alaska,
came home a Husky fucker.

"Pop, can I have $20
for a blow job?"

"I don't know.
You any good?"

There's a gorilla walkin'
along in the jungle,

and there's a lion
gettin' a drink of water.

And the lion's tail
is up, and the gorilla's
like, "Ho, ho, ho."

And the gorilla goes up
and slips him the Liberace.

(LAUGHING) You know
what I'm...

I think everybody's still
with me, right?

The gorilla takes off,
run into a hunter camp...
Runs into a hunters' camp,

jumps inside a tent,
puts on a safari outfit,
pith helmet,

grabs a copy of like
the
Johannesburg Times,
sits down in a chair

and starts to read.
The lion comes running
into the camp like...

(ROARING)

He sticks his head
in the tent and says,

"Did a gorilla
come through here?"

The gorilla says,
"You mean the one that
fucked the lion in the ass?"

The lion says, "My God,
you mean it's in
the paper already?"

Liberace wasn't gay,
was he? Nah. Here's
a quick impression.

Here's Liberace's
mother callin' him
as a child.

"Yoo-hoo, lunch time, fagot!"

See, people don't laugh
at that like they used to
laugh at that stuff,

'cause it's gotten so scary.

I heard that it's got to
the point where you can
catch AIDS

from a New York City toilet
seat if you sit down before
the last guy gets up.

New gay sitcom,
Leave It, It's Beaver.

Jewish fagot, Heblew.

Gay choirboy
choked on his first hymn.

Here's the worst one, right?

Guy goes into a dentist's
office, sits down in a chair,

pulls down his zipper
and takes out his willy.

The dentist says,
"What are you doin'?
I'm a dentist."

He says, "There's
a tooth in there."

Guy's drowning,
guy's drowning.
The lifeguard swims out,

drags him in, puts him on
the edge of the shore
and starts pumpin' his arms.

Here comes water.
He's pumpin' his arms.

More water.
Here comes fish, right?
Seaweed, clams.

Another guy comes along
and says, "Hey, you better get
his asshole out of the water!

"You're gonna
empty the ocean!"

See, it was like a
fucking pump, you moron.

My big shot in the movies,
I'm working the
plant life down here.

How about the guy that's
bopping his old lady on the
tile floor in the bathroom?

He's giving her a pop.
He's bopping her.
He's bopping her!

He says, "Spread your legs!
Spread your legs!
Wider! Wider!"

She says, "What are
you trying to do,
get your balls in?"

He says,
"I'm trying to get them out!"

Guy goes to the zoo
to feed the monkeys.

(LAUGHING)
This is my favorite.

Guy goes to the zoo to
feed the monkeys.
He throws the monkey a peanut.

The monkey
picks up the peanut,

sticks it in his rear end,
pulls it out, eats it.

The guy's like, "Whoa!"

No, there's more,
there's more.

(LAUGHING)

Take it easy, lady. If you
wet those, what are you
gonna wear tomorrow, right?

(LAUGHING)

He throws the monkey
another peanut.

The monkey
picks up the peanut,

sticks it in his rear end,
pulls it out and eats it.

The guy's like, "Whoa!"

He goes to the zookeeper
and says, "Man, that is
one very stupid monkey."

(CHUCKLING) The zookeeper
says, "No." He says,
"That's a very smart monkey.

"Since last week,
somebody threw
him a big peach

"and he ate it
and he couldn't
pass the pit,

"so now he
measures everything."

(LAUGHING)

So Lady Di and
Dolly Parton decide to
have a popularity contest.

Dolly runs over to England,

goes out on stage,
takes off her blouse and
her bra and goes like this.

Crowd says, "We love you,
Dolly! We love you!"

Lady Di walks out,
sits in a chair
and douches herself.

The crowd's like...

(GROANING IN DISGUST)
"You pig!"

Judge walks out and says,
"Well, Lady Di wins."

Dolly says, "What do you mean,
Lady Di wins?"

He says,
"Hey, royal flush
beats two of a kind."

(LAUGHING)

(AUDIENCE CHEERING)

I love you, man!
Thank you!

Jackie Martling.
Keep it going for him, man.

You guys enjoy yourselves?
Come on, nice hand!

Monty Hoffman!

Mr. Chris Rock!

Larry Scarano!

Stephanie Hodge!

John Fox!

Ms. Thea Vidale!

Little Timmy Allen!

Otto and George!

Joey Gaynor!

Bill Hicks!

Steven Pearl!

Jackie "The Jokeman" Martling!

Art Carney and Sheila MacRae.

Take a bow, you guys.

Come and see
this fucking movie
or we'll kill you.

Ben Creed! Ben Creed!

Give them a nice hand, man.
Give it to them.

Do it right!
Give it up!

(INAUDIBLE)

INTERVIEWER: Larry,
tell me, why did you
become a comedian?

The band broke up.

What makes me different?
I like doing horrible things
to innocent things.

That's why comedy's fun.

What does it take
to be a comedian?
Why are you a comedian?

I'd be...
Why are you a comedian?

Why am I...
Why? Why? Why? Why?

(CHUCKLES) How about
I tell you? I'll tell you.

Why am I a comedian?

Because the nuns
can't tell you to
shut up, that's why.

I started telling jokes
to people when I was a kid,

and I could tell right away
that it made them feel good.

(CHUCKLING) And then I
found out it could get me laid
and that made me feel good.

I'm this black comic,
but there's no big dick jokes,
no big lip jokes,

no watermelon jokes,
no we-walk-like-this.

I don't talk about
taking people's TV sets.

I'm still keep
my consciousness up.

Well, I try to come off
as a friend, you know.

INTERVIEWER: Uh-huh.
Try to come off
real likable.

I'm sort of like the
whacked out, weirded
next door neighbor,

who drops over to
borrow a beer and you
can't get rid of him type.

MONTY HOFFMAN: (CHUCKLING)
Right, right, right.

You know, you like him
to pieces, you got
a friend just like him,

but you wouldn't trust
him with your sister.

(LAUGHING) Matter of fact,
I could use a blow job
right now.

I forgot how they taste.

(JOHN FOX LAUGHING)

New Jersey,
where a fart is refreshing.

Yeah, I like Jersey.
It was a good place
to grow up and leave.

Yeah.
Is it true if you

fart in a car in Jersey,
they roll the windows up?

Oh, definitely.
Yeah, that's good.

I mean, that's...
Seal that shit in.

You can make it
all the way to Paramus.

I'm curious. Why did you
become a comedian?

(CHUCKLING) Ah, I guess
'cause it beats
welfare by this much.

This much?
Yeah, it...

Just for the...
What do you...

What do you think's gonna
happen in this film?
What's in it for you?

This film, I think,
is a great opportunity

because I want to
say some things that

capitalist networks
won't allow me to say.

Yeah. They...
Maybe this socialist
film project...

Getting laid feels good?
Stephanie, we fucked it up.

No, it's terrible.

I'll give you another
chance, little buddy.

INTERVIEWER: George,
why did you become a comic?

Garry Shandling sucks.

(COMICS LAUGHING)

We've been banned from
a lot of clubs 'cause
we're completely different.

And to those clubs,
I salute you.

What makes me different is
I think I'm being honest.

If the world was perfect,
then everybody'd be
Bill Cosby, I guess.

(BOTH LAUGHING)

All right, how about the...
Two deaf guys
meet on the street.

The first guys says,
"How you doing?"

The other guy goes,
"I'm doing great."

He goes, "Jesus Christ,
you learning to talk?"

He says, "Yeah,
I'll give you the
name of my doctor."

He gives him the name,
the guy goes to the doctor.

He walks in, says,
"Doc, do you think you could

"teach me how to talk?"
Doctor says, "Sure."

He says, "Just bend over
that table over there

"and, well,
drop your drawers."

The guy goes over,
drops his drawers,
bends over the table.

Doctor gets a big long pole
and shoves it up his asshole!

(LAUGHING)

(CHUCKLING) And the
deaf and dumb guy goes, "Ah!"

He says, "Very good.
Come back tomorrow.
We'll start on the B's."

(SIGHS)