Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy (2009) - full transcript
Lisa Lampinelli hosts the Comedy Central Roast of Larry the Cable Guy with Toby Keith, Warren Sapp, Jeff Foxworthy, Greg Giraldo, Nick DiPaolo, Gary Busey, Jeff Ross and Maureen McCormack among others.
LARRY LARRY LARRY...
Larry:
GIT-R-DONE!
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
( screeches )
HEY!
Announcer:
THIS IS THE COMEDY
CENTRAL "ROAST
OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY."
WITH YOUR ROASTMASTER
LISA LAMPANELLI
AND ROASTERS GREG GIRALDO,
TOBY KEITH,
JEFFREY ROSS,
GARY BUSEY,
MAUREEN McCORMICK,
RENO COLLIER,
WARREN SAPP,
NICK DiPAOLO,
BILL ENGVALL
AND JEFF FOXWORTHY.
HEY, GIT-R-DONE.
Announcer:
THE COMEDY CENTRAL "ROAST
OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY."
IT'LL BE ONE
UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT.
AND NOW WELCOME
YOUR ROASTMASTER,
THE QUEEN OF MEAN,
LISA LAMPANELLI.
( cheering )
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE ARE ASSEMBLED HERE
TO HONOR A MAN
WHOSE NAME IS
A HOUSEHOLD PHRASE,
LIKE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
AND LOOSE STOOL.
I AM TALKING OF COURSE
ABOUT LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
( cheering )
TONIGHT WE HAVE
BROUGHT TOGETHER
SOME OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE
ON THE PLANET TO ROAST LARRY.
AND BOY,
ARE THEY HIDEOUS.
LOOK AT THIS BUNCH
OF UNATTRACTIVE BASTARDS.
THE ONLY WAY THIS DAIS
COULD GET ANY UGLIER
IS IF THEY INVITED
JOHN McCAIN'S NUTSACK.
AND TALK ABOUT
A BUNCH OF LOSERS--
NICK DiPAOLO,
JEFF ROSS,
RENO COLLIER.
WHAT IS THIS,
"LAST COMIC AVAILABLE"?
THIS GROUP IS SO WORTHLESS,
EVEN THE OCTOMOM
WOULD ABORT THEM.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT
THESE WASTES OF SKIN.
MULTI-PLATINUM SELLING
COUNTRY ARTIST
TOBY KEITH IS HERE.
DUDE, I LIKE YOUR HAT.
IT'S SO BEAT UP
AND FLOPPY
IT LOOKS LIKE
BRITNEY SPEARS' --.
BUT WE'RE NOT HERE
TO TALK ABOUT THESE COLOSSAL
DISAPPOINTMENTS.
TONIGHT WE ARE HERE
TO HONOR LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
NOW BEFORE WE GET
THIS ROAST STARTED,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT WHAT MAKES US ALL
LOVE LARRY SO MUCH.
- ( rock music playing )
- NAME'S LARRY.
HERE I AM BLESSED
WITH A SQUARE JAW,
GOOD LOOKS,
FIRM MUSCULAR BUTTOCKS...
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- ...GOOD HEALTH.
THAT'S THE IMPORTANT ONE--
GOOD HEALTH.
ABOUT TIME I'M GETTING
RECOGNIZED.
LET'S GIT-R-DONE.
I DON'T CARE WHO
YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY.
LORD, I APOLOGIZE.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'VE ALREADY BEEN SCREWED
THREE TIMES OUT OF AN OSCAR.
( rimshot )
IF YOU'RE IN THE GAY MAFIA
AND YOU GET WHACKED,
IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?
I GOT THREE WORDS FOR PETA--
CHICKEN FRIED STEAK.
I LOST 50 LBS ON NUTRISYSTEM
AND GAINED A WHOLE LOT
OF SEXY.
BABY, YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE,
DON'T YA?
I GET OFF IN AN HOUR.
AIN'T GONNA TAKE THAT LONG.
I GOT CRISCO AT MY HOUSE.
( farts )
♪ I'M A REDNECK PUNK
♪ YOU'RE A REDNECK PUNK.
THAT WAS REAL SEXY.
THE NEXT PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
YOU KNOW, IF LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,
HE'D SAY "LET'S GET-R-DONE."
YOU MUST HEAR THIS
WHEREVER YOU GO.
I LOVE
WHEN MY FANS SAY IT.
I MEAN, GIT-R-DONE.
- THERE YOU GO, DARLIN'.
- I LOVE YOU!
Larry:
IT SEEMS LIKE THE MORE
THE CRITICS BASH ME
THE BIGGER MY CROWDS GET.
KEEP IT COMING.
GIT-R-DONE!
PLEASE WELCOME OUR GUEST
OF HONOR TONIGHT--
LARRY THE CABLE GUY!
( rock music playing )
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'RE SO FAT AND HAIRY
YOU COULD BE A STUNT DOUBLE
FOR ROSIE O'DONNELL'S --.
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,
LOOK AROUND.
WE ARE LIVING
IN AMAZING TIMES.
THERE'S A BLACK MAN
IN THE WHITE HOUSE,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY
HAS HIS OWN ROAST,
AND SOMEBODY ASKED GREG GIRALDO
TO BE ON TV AGAIN.
DON'T YOU LAUGH GIRALDO.
YOU'RE AN ABJECT FAILURE.
DUDE, DO YOU EVEN
WORK ANYMORE?
YOUR DATE BOOK HAS MORE HOLES
THAN GARY BUSEY'S BRAIN.
THAT'S GOOD.
I AIN'T SCREWING WITH YOU,
GARY BUSEY.
- I'M AFRAID OF YOU.
- GOOD.
I'D RATHER TAKE MY CHANCES
WITH THAT CRAZY CHIMP
FROM CONNECTICUT.
GREAT TO SEE YOU HERE,
MAUREEN McCORMICK.
OH, YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
MAUREEN McCORMICK.
I READ YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
JESUS CHRIST.
YOU WERE MORE UNSTABLE THAN
ROBERT REED'S T-CELL COUNT.
( crowd groans )
TOO SOON?
AND, HONEY, I THINK YOU
SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
A LITTLE MORE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN A BLONDE
LOOKING THIS ROUGHED UP
SINCE MICKEY ROURKE
IN "THE WRESTLER."
WARREN SAPP--
ONE OF THE GREATEST DEFENSIVE
LINEMEN OF ALL TIME.
( cheering )
WARREN,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE CUTE.
SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE SO HOT
IF I OWNED YOU
I'D LET YOU IN MY HOUSE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FAT
AND MISSHAPEN, WARREN.
I THINK YOU'RE SEXY.
WELL, YOU KNOW ME.
I LOVE THE BLACKS.
IT'S TRUE.
I HAVE BANGED SO MANY
BLACK GUYS
MY VAG HAS A HORN SECTION.
SPEAKING OF BALL HANDLERS,
JEFF ROSS IS HERE.
( cheering )
JEFF ROSS HAS A VERY
ACTIVE SEX LIFE.
EVERY NIGHT HE --
AN ENTIRE AUDIENCE
OUT OF 15 BUCKS APIECE.
IT'S TRUE.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING
AT, FOXWORTHY?
- OH, HERE WE GO.
- WITH YOUR '70s
PORN MOUSTACHE.
UGH.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER SEEN
AN UPPER LIP
HAVE A BAD HAIR DAY.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT
THESE FREAKS OF NATURE.
LARRY, IT IS AN HONOR TO
SERVE AS ROASTMASTER FOR YOU.
LARRY WAS RAISED
AT A PIG FARM.
AND AT AGE 13
HE WAS PUT IN CHARGE
OF INSEMINATING THE PIGS.
AT AGE 15
HE LEARNED THERE WAS A MACHINE
THAT COULD DO IT FOR HIM.
A MERE 30 YEARS LATER,
LARRY WAS THE BREAKOUT STAR
OF THE BLUE COLLAR
COMEDY TOUR
WITH HIS CATCH PHRASE
"GIT-R-DONE."
- ( cheering )
- OH YES.
GIT-R-DONE!
LARRY YELLS "GIT-R-DONE"
AND HIS AUDIENCE
COMES A-RUNNIN'.
GIT-R-DONE IS TO REDNECKS
WHAT FREE CHICKEN AND WHITE
BITCHES IS TO BLACKS.
BUT COME ON, LARRY.
HAVEN'T YOU MILKED THIS
GIT-R-DONE THING LONG ENOUGH?
YOU'VE BEATEN
THAT CONCEPT SO HARD
IT'S NOW DATING
CHRIS BROWN.
( crowd groans )
TODAY, AS A COMEDIAN,
LARRY EARNS
AN EARTH-SHATTERING
$250,000 A NIGHT.
$250,000
A NIGHT.
$250,000 A NIGHT.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HOW MANY
TIMES I HAVE TO SAY THAT
BEFORE GREG GIRALDO
KILLS HIMSELF.
LARRY, YOU ARE A MAN
WHO EMBODIES TRUE SUCCESS.
I WOULD GIVE
ANYTHING TO BE AS SUCCESSFUL
AND BELOVED AS YOU ARE.
IF I COULD
JUST FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO DO IT.
OH, FOXWORTHY,
GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE
SO I CAN SUCK YOUR -- TOO.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
YOU READY TO GET
THIS ROAST STARTED?
OUR FIRST ROASTER
THIS EVENING
IS LATINO FUNNYMAN
GREG GIRALDO.
AS A REGULAR ON ALL
THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROASTS,
HE IS ONE STEP
ABOVE THE GUY
WHO CLEANS UP THE -- PUDDLES
AT THE PORN THEATER.
PLEASE WELCOME
COMEDY'S CRUEL JOKE--
GREG GIRALDO.
- ( cheering )
- ( rock music playing )
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
EVERYBODY.
LISA LAMPANELLI.
KEEP IT GOING FOR THAT GUY.
WASN'T HE FUNNY?
SERIOUSLY.
WASN'T HE -- HILARIOUS?
I LOVE THE PINK
CAMOUFLAGE, LISA.
YOU'RE LIKE
GENERAL FATTON.
HOLY SHIT.
LOOK AT YOU, YOU FAT --.
WHO KNEW LANE BRYANT'S
HAD AN ARMY?
LISA ACTUALLY HAS A LOT
IN COMMON WITH THAT OCTOMOM--
THAT WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH
TO ALL THOSE BABIES.
SHE'S NEVER GIVEN BIRTH,
BUT SHE HAS HAD 80 FINGERS
INSIDE HER AT THE SAME TIME.
LOOK AT THIS PACK
OF SLOBS UP HERE.
GARY BUSEY'S HERE,
KIND OF.
HOW ABOUT GARY?
YEAH.
GARY, I GUESS, FLEW IN
FROM LOBOTOMY ISLAND.
JESUS, GARY,
YOU HORSE-FACED LUNATIC.
YOU LOOK LIKE NICK NOLTE
-- A CLYDESDALE.
YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE
A ROW OF URINALS.
LOOK AT YOURSELF.
EVERY TIME YOU TALK
I WANNA PISS IN YOUR MOUTH.
AND I DON'T KNOW--
WARREN, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HOLY SHIT.
WARREN WAS GREAT ON
"DANCING WITH THE STARS."
HE CAME IN SECOND
AND THEN CELEBRATED
BY DRAGGING HIS PARTNER
TO THE TOP OF
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
( crowd groans )
IT'S GREAT TO SEE
TOBY KEITH.
TOBY, I'M GLAD YOU
COULD TAKE TIME OUT
FROM SPITTING ON
MEXICANS TO BE HERE.
TOBY, YOU PUT
THE BIG IN BIGOT.
I LOVED YOUR LAST SONG,
"GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY,
YOU CAMEL JOCKEY WETBACK
FAGGY -- JEW."
AND MARSHA BRADY IS HERE.
MAUREEN McCORMICK, HUH?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOLY SHIT,
MARSHA BRADY.
YOU WROTE IN YOUR BOOK YOU
USED TO TRADE SEX FOR DRUGS.
HOLY SHIT!
AS A KID I USED TO FANTASIZE
ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.
WHO KNEW ALL I NEEDED WAS
AN 8-BALL AND A BUS
STATION BATHROOM?
( crowd groans )
AND SPEAKING
OF BATHROOM STALLS,
WHERE'S THAT REDNECK
FRUIT JEFF FOXWORTHY?
THERE HE IS.
JEFF, YOU LOOK LIKE
MAGNUM P.I. WITH AIDS.
MY BUDDY
NICK DiPAOLO IS HERE.
NICK, LOOK AT YOU,
YOU BIG HUNCHED-OVER GUINEA.
YOU'RE LIKE FONZIE
SPINA BIFIDA.
AND RENO COLLIER,
I DON'T KNOW WHO
OR WHAT THAT IS.
I-- I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS HE'S PART OF THAT NEXT
WAVE OF LOW-BROW DIPSHITS
THAT'LL MAKE ME
WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
OR MAYBE HE'S JUST HERE
SO LISA LAMPANELLI
WOULDN'T BE THE ONLY
FAT LESBIAN HACK ONSTAGE.
AND NOW ON TO
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
THIS IS EXCITING,
I GOT TO TELL YOU.
I'VE NEVER ROASTED
A FAKE CHARACTER BEFORE.
MAYBE NEXT YEAR WE COULD ROAST
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
LARRY...
LARRY'S WHOLE ACT
IS A SHAM,
LIKE THE BIBLE
OR THE HOLOCAUST.
( crowd groans )
SOME PEOPLE SAY
LARRY'S ONLY SUCCESSFUL
'CAUSE HE'S PANDERING TO
THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR
AND BLATANTLY
AND NON-IRONICALLY
EXPLOITING
PEOPLE'S RACIST
AND HOMOPHOBIC TENDENCIES.
DON'T LISTEN TO
THESE PEOPLE, LARRY.
THEY'RE JUST BITTER
AND JEALOUS AND RIGHT.
YOU INBRED HILLBILLY.
YOU'VE BEEN INSIDE MORE
FARM ANIMALS THAN PURINA.
YOU'RE LIKE
THE TROJAN ARMY.
YOU'RE BIG, PATRIOTIC
AND YOU BOTH CAME INSIDE
A GIANT HORSE.
YOU GRAVY-SWEATING
COUSIN --.
LARRY -- HIS FIRST COUSIN
WHEN HE WAS 16
AND HIS LAST ONE
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
YOU LOST 50 LBS
ON NUTRISYSTEM
AND ANOTHER 10
WHEN YOU SHAVED YOUR BACK.
HOW THE -- ARE YOU
SO POPULAR?
JESUS -- CHRIST.
THIS ONE FINALLY BROKE MY BACK.
YOUR FANS CAN'T EVEN
AFFORD CABLE.
THEY'RE NOT COMING 'CAUSE
THEY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY.
THEY'VE NEVER SEEN
A CABLE GUY.
YOU COULD HAVE COME UP
WITH OTHER CHARACTERS YOUR
FANS HAVE NEVER SEEN
LIKE LARRY THE DENTIST
OR LARRY THE LIBRARIAN
OR LARRY
THE HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
THANKS FOR LETTING
ME ROAST YOU, LARRY.
YOU MAKE MORE MONEY IN A WEEK
THAN I'LL MAKE IN MY LIFE,
AND THAT FEELS GOOD,
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
YOU SAY YOU'VE NEVER DONE DRUGS,
BUT WATCHING YOUR SUCCESS HAS
PUT ME IN REHAB TWICE.
SO THANKS FOR RIPPING MY SOUL
OUT, YOU HILLBILLY --.
( cheering )
Announcer:
COMING UP, TOBY KEITH...
- GIT-R-DONE.
- ...WARREN SAPP...
I THINK I'M OVERDRESSED.
- ...JEFFREY ROSS...
- LARRY, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
- ...JEFF FOXWORTHY...
- THIS IS THE FILTHIEST SHOW
I'VE EVER BEEN A PART OF.
- ...AND GARY BUSEY.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID
10 SECONDS AGO.
TONIGHT'S NEXT PRESENTER
IS PROUD AMERICAN
TOBY KEITH.
- ( cheering )
- YES.
TOBY KEITH ACTUALLY
SCREENED HIS FILM
"BEER FOR MY HORSES"
FOR THE SOLDIERS IN IRAQ.
THANKS TO BARACK OBAMA
REDEFINING TORTURE,
THAT WON'T HAPPEN
EVER AGAIN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TOBY KEITH.
( country music playing )
YOU ASKED FOR IT.
THAT'S A PRETTY DRESS
YOU HAVE ON, LIS.
PINK CAMOUFLAGE,
THAT'S TRULY NICE.
YOU LOOK LIKE
APOCALYPSE COW.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TO IRAQ,
I'VE BEEN TO AFGHANISTAN,
ABOUT 118 SHOWS,
BUT LISA STILL HAS THE BIGGEST
CAMEL TOE I'VE EVER SEEN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THESE OTHER
CITY CLICKERS ONSTAGE.
GREG GIRALDO?
WHO THE -- IS THAT?
YOU WERE REALLY
FUNNY TONIGHT, GREG.
BETWEEN ROASTS,
GREG HAS TO SELL HIS BLOOD,
SPERM AND FURNITURE
TO MAKE RENT.
LUCKILY ALL
HIS FURNITURE
IS COVERED
IN BLOOD AND SPERM.
AND JEFF ROSS
AND I, MAN,
WE BOTH PERFORMED
FOR THE TROOPS.
DIFFERENCE IS JEFF CHARGED
FOR HIS SHOWS.
AND JEFF,
YOU AMAZED ME ON "DANCING
WITH THE STARS," DUDE.
LAST TIME I SAW MOVES
THAT HOT,
LISA GOT HER --
CAUGHT IN HER ZIPPER.
AND WARREN SAPP'S HERE.
LOOK AT YOU, WARREN,
GETTING READY TO DO YOUR FIRST
COMEDY STANDUP DEBUT, MAN.
YOU LOOK LIKE BERNIE MAC
AND CHEESE.
AND MAUREEN McCORMICK'S HERE.
MARSHA BRADY.
MARSH MARSHA MARSHA.
MAN...
SHE USED TO GET SO HIGH
ON COKE SHE'D HEAR VOICES
IN HER HEAD.
TOO BAD NONE OF THEM
WAS AN ACTING COACH.
HER COUNTRY MUSIC CAREER
WAS SUCH A TRAGIC EVENT,
I COULD HAVE WRITTEN
THREE ALBUMS ABOUT IT.
HER MUSIC WAS SO BAD
I FORGAVE THE DIXIE CHICKS.
AND IT'S REALLY AN HONOR
FOR ME TO BE HERE TONIGHT
WITH GARY BUSEY, MAN.
GARY BUSEY IS HERE.
HE'S A GOOD OLD TEXAS BOY.
OKLAHOMA BOY.
YOU KNOW, GARY NEVER GOT
HIS STAR ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD,
BUT, DUDE, YOU DID LEAVE A NOSE
ON PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY.
THE ONLY GUY WHO MADE
WORSE TRAVEL DECISIONS
THAN YOU, PAL,
WAS BUDDY HOLLY.
( crowd groans )
IS IT TOO EARLY
FOR THAT SHIT?
AND JEFF FOXWORTHY
IS SO POPULAR
HE HAS FANS THAT FOLLOW HIM
FROM SHOW TO SHOW,
WHICH IS PRETTY EASY TO DO
WHEN THEY LIVE IN THEIR CAR.
SAY WHAT Y'ALL WANT
TO ABOUT JEFF,
BUT HE'S THE ONLY CLEAN
COMIC ON THE STAGE.
BY THAT I MEAN HE CAN
PASS A DRUG TEST.
HIS URINE
IS CRYSTAL CLEAR.
AND ACCORDING TO LARRY,
A LITTLE BIT SALTY.
OH COME ON, LARRY'S BEEN
BLOWING JEFF SO LONG
THEY COULD BE
COUSINS, MAN.
AND YOU DON'T SEE A LOT
OF PEOPLE AROUND LOS ANGELES
DRESS LIKE LARRY,
YOU KNOW?
UNLESS IT'S LESBO BOWLING
NIGHT AT HOLLYWOOD LANES.
IN "DELTA FARCE"
LARRY MADE MOVIE HISTORY.
HE WAS THE FIRST GUY
EVER TO PLAY A RETARD
AND NOT WIN AN OSCAR.
( all laughing )
AND IT'S A GREAT GREAT THING
THAT LARRY'S ON NUTRISYSTEM
BECAUSE IF HIS FAT, PASTY ASS
GOT ANY FATTER,
WARREN SAPP WOULD BE
TRYING TO -- IT.
( crowd groans )
TRUTH IS, LARRY,
YOU PUT A LOT OF SMILES ON
A LOT OF PEOPLE'S FACES.
TIMES BEING
WHAT THEY ARE,
I'D SAY THAT MAKES YOU
A PRETTY GREAT MAN.
YOU MAY NOT BE SMART,
YOU MAY NOT BE FUNNY,
BUT SOMEHOW
YOU'RE A SUCCESS.
LARRY SYMBOLIZES ALL THAT
AMERICA HAS TO OFFER.
AND AS I SPEAK,
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF
TROOPS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN
SERVING TO PROTECT
THAT DREAM--
THAT AND TO GET AS
FAR AS POSSIBLE
AWAY FROM LARRY
THE CABLE GUY.
GOOD NIGHT.
( music playing )
OUR NEXT ROASTER IS
THE ONLY PERSON ON THE DAIS
WHO HAS TACKLED MORE
BLACK MEN THAN ME--
WARREN SAPP!
( rock music playing )
LET'S HEAR IT FOR
LISA LAMPANELLI, OR AS WE--
( cheering )
--OR AS WE LIKE TO CALL HER
AROUND OUR WAY,
"OH, THAT BITCH."
LISA'S VAGINA IS KNOWN
AS THE LIMO,
'CAUSE IT FITS EIGHT,
IT HAS LEATHER INTERIOR,
AND I CAME IN IT TONIGHT.
( all cheering )
I HAVE TO SAY, THIS IS
A TRULY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER SEEN TOBY AND LARRY
WITHOUT THEIR HOODS ON.
THE ONLY BLACK THING YOU'LL
SEE AT A TOBY KEITH CONCERT
IS A WOMAN'S EYE.
( laughing )
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,
NICK DiPAOLO?
YOU'RE SO RACIST,
EVERY TIME BARACK OBAMA
GETS UP ON THE STAGE,
YOU TRY AND BID ON HIM.
( laughing, hooting )
GREG, YOU'RE THE REAL
CABLE GUY,
BECAUSE NONE OF US HAVE EVER
SEEN HIM ON A NETWORK.
AND GARY BUSEY?
MOVE YOUR CRAZY WHITE ASS
AWAY FROM ME.
I'D HATE TO TANGLE WITH A GUY
WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.
IT'S LIKE GETTING JUMPED ON
BY SIX DUDES
AND THREE OF THEM
MOTHER-- IS MEXICANS.
MAUREEN, "THE BRADY BUNCH"
HAD SIX KIDS
FROM DIFFERENT FAMILIES ALL
LIVING UNDER ONE ROOF.
HOW IN THE HELL AIN'T THERE
A BLACK PERSON ON THERE?
JEFF FOXWORTHY IS HERE.
HEY, JEFF, I GOT
A NEW ONE FOR YOU:
IF YOUR FAMILY TREE
HAS A ROPE
HANGING FROM IT,
YOU MIGHT BE
A REDNECK.
( hooting, laughing )
I GOT A COUPLE
NEW ONES FOR YOU TOO:
IF YOU THINK HALLE BERRY
IS SOMETHING YOU GET AT
JAMBA JUICE,
YOU MIGHT BE
A CRACKER.
IF YOU THINK
AFRO SHEEN
IS THE STEPBROTHER
OF CHARLIE SHEEN DADDY
DON'T TALK ABOUT,
YOU MIGHT BE
A CRACKER.
AND IF YOU THINK
THE SOUL TRAIN IS A LINE
OF BROTHERS
BEHIND LISA LAMPANELLI,
WELL, OKAY,
THAT WOULD BE A SOUL TRAIN.
AND NOW ON TO
THE GUEST OF HONOR--
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
EVERY TIME
YOU'RE ON TV,
I TRY TO FIND OUT
WHAT ELSE IS ON.
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED YOU
"LARRY THE CABLE GUIDE."
AND LARRY, LOOK AT
YOUR RAGGEDY-ASS CLOTHES.
HOW THE HELL DO
YOU EXPECT TO GET
SOME -- LOOKING LIKE THAT?
EVEN YOUR SISTER GAVE YOU
A FAKE PHONE NUMBER.
LARRY, I'VE DEALT OUT
A LOT OF HARD HITS ON
THE FOOTBALL FIELD,
AND I GOT TO GIVE IT UP
TO YOU FOR WHAT YOU'RE
TAKING HERE TONIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL
LIKE AN HONORARY REDNECK.
AS A BLACK MAN,
I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
BE LARRY THE CABLE GUY
BECAUSE TONIGHT
I SOLD OUT.
SORRY, BLACK FOLKS.
GOOD NIGHT.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
UP NEXT, JEFFREY ROSS.
MAUREEN McCORMICK
AND GARY BUSEY--
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
START OVER
AND TALK IN ENGLISH.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF
LARRY THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
ALLY SORRY
THAT I CAN'T BE THERE TONIGHT,
BUT IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS WELL
BECAUSE TO BE HONEST,
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
WE'RE ROASTING A GUY WHOSE
SUCCESS HINGES ON TWO PHRASES:
"NOW THAT'S FUNNY RIGHT THERE"
AND "GIT-R-DONE."
I MEAN, THE ONLY THING
THIS GUY'S REPEATED MORE
THAN "GIT-R-DONE"
IS THE EIGHTH GRADE.
I MEAN, HIS WHOLE CAREER
IS BASED ON A LIE, PEOPLE.
HIS NAME ISN'T LARRY,
HE'S NOT A CABLE GUY,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKES,
HE ISN'T AN ACTOR.
IN ALL THREE OF
HIS "BLOCKBUSTER" MOVIES,
THEY TRIED TO MAKE HIM
THE LOVE INTEREST.
I MEAN, COME ON.
CASTING LARRY THE CABLE GUY
AS A LOVE INTEREST
IS LIKE CASTING
LISA LAMPANELLI AS...
A LOVE INTEREST.
UGH!
ALL KIDDING ASIDE, DAN,
I REALLY DO WISH YOU
THE BEST.
I'M VERY PROUD OF
WHAT YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED--
YOU'RE A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN;
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER
AND A DEVOTED HUSBAND;
AND I AM PROUD TO SAY
THAT YOU ARE MY FRIEND.
NOW SEE?
THAT'S ACTING!
( cheering )
WOW.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IMPORTANT
IN THIS INDUSTRY
WHEN BILL ENGVALL
TAKES THE TIME TO SEND A TAPE.
( all laughing )
OUR NEXT ACT
IS ANNOYING
JEW BASTARD JEFF ROSS.
( hooting )
LAST YEAR, DURING
"DANCING WITH THE STARS,"
JEFF HAD TO
WEAR AN EYEPATCH.
APPARENTLY TAKING
A MONEY SHOT
FROM LANCE BASS
CAN BLIND YOU.
BIG HAND FOR THE SANJAYA
OF THE COMEDY WORLD,
JEFF ROSS!
( rock music playing )
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, LISA.
TOO BAD CHRIS BROWN
ISN'T YOUR BOYFRIEND--
HE WOULD HAVE PUNCHED
HIMSELF IN THE FACE.
YEAH!
THIS IS SO FUN.
GARY BUSEY-- WOW.
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
I LOVE YOU, GARY.
YOU'RE LIKE MICKEY ROURKE
WITHOUT THE COMEBACK.
YEAH.
I'M CONFUSED: ARE WE
ROASTING LARRY THE CABLE GUY
OR GARY THE UNSTABLE GUY?
OH, THIS IS
A LOT OF FUN.
AS YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
I ONLY ROAST
THE ONES I LOVE,
BUT THE ECONOMY'S IN
THE CRAPPER, SO...
( hooting )
YEAH!
GET-R-ROASTED!
THANK YOU, BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS--
NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON.
HOW COME NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
YOUR OTHER PERSONAS
YOU TRIED OUT THAT
DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL?
YOU KNOW, LIKE
"DAN THE COMEDIAN"?
( crowd groans )
OF COURSE, I FIRST
DISCOVERED LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WHEN HE WAS PART OF
THE BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR.
YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT?
YEAH.
WHY'D YOU GUYS BREAK UP?
UNCREATIVE DIFFERENCES?
( laughing )
THIS IS LIKE SHOOTING FISH
IN A CRACKER BARREL.
YEAH.
LARRY'S LAST SHOW HAD
AN EIGHT-DRINK MINIMUM
AND A TWO-TEETH MAXIMUM.
MY REAL CABLE GUY DONALD
IS FUNNIER THAN YOU.
AND YOU KNOW, "GIT-R-DONE"
WASN'T EVEN LARRY'S FIRST CHOICE
FOR A CATCH PHRASE,
BUT SOME OTHER LUCKY INBRED
ALREADY USED
"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."
YEAH.
OH, JEFF FOXWORTHY,
GREAT TO SEE YOU.
LOOK AT THAT MUSTACHE--
YOU LOOK LIKE A CONFEDERATE
PORN STAR.
WHO ARE YOU,
STONEWALL JACKOFF?
( Ross laughs )
OH, THE LEGENDARY
TOBY KEITH.
I LOVE THIS GUY.
GIVE THIS GUY A ROUND
OF APPLAUSE.
( applause )
LOOK AT HIM:
"BRING IT ON, BABY."
JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR
A TERRORIST ATTACK
SO HE CAN WRITE
ANOTHER SONG ABOUT IT.
( crowd groans )
BUT YOU AND I, TOBY,
WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON:
WE BOTH SUPPORT
THE SECOND AMENDMENT,
MOSTLY 'CAUSE YOUR MUSIC
MAKES ME WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF.
AND FOLKS, IN CASE YOU
HAVEN'T READ LARRY'S BOOK,
IT'S ALSO CALLED
"GIT-R-DONE."
'CAUSE AFTER THREE PAGES,
YOU WANT TO "PUT-R-DOWN."
IT'S AN EASY READ--
MOSTLY JUST PICTURES
OF SANDWICHES
HE -- ON THE ROAD.
OH, COME ON, WE ALL KNOW
LARRY'S A FREAK.
IN FACT, HE'S --
SO MANY FARM ANIMALS,
DOWN SOUTH THEY CALL HIM
"LARRY THE STABLE GUY."
LARRY, REMEMBER:
NEIGH MEANS NEIGH.
WRITE THAT DOWN, BUDDY.
LISA LAMPANELLI,
GREAT JOB TONIGHT.
YOU ARE REALLY PUTTING
THE -- IN COUNTRY.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU COULD
PUT A COUNTRY IN YOUR --.
FOLKS, LISA LAMPANELLI'S
VAGINA IS SO BIG,
IT DOESN'T GET WET;
IT GETS IRRIGATED.
DID I SAY "IRRIGATED"?
I MEANT SEGREGATED.
IN FACT, WARREN SAPP'S
ENTIRE ENTOURAGE
IS CHILLING IN
THAT BITCH RIGHT NOW.
OH, I LOVE
WARREN SAPP.
HE USED TO BE THE MOST
FEARED MAN IN FOOTBALL;
NOW HE'S THE MOST FEARED MAN
AT HOMETOWN BUFFET.
OOH.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW IT,
LARRY COMES FROM
A SHOW-BUSINESS FAMILY.
IN FACT, HIS DAD
WAS THE BANJO PLAYER
FROM "DELIVERANCE."
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WAS
THAT HIS MOM PLAYED
THE GUY WHO --
NED BEATTY.
"HE SURE GOT
A PRETTY MOUTH, DON'T HE?"
IN CLOSING,
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY
TO ALL OF YOU...
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY
CAN GIT-R-DONE FOR YOU,
ASK HOW THIS...
HILLBILLY MORON
MADE $30 MILLION LAST YEAR.
CONGRATULATIONS,
MY FLANNEL-WEARING FRIEND.
I LOVE YOU!
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
STILL TO COME, GARY BUSEY--
I'M GIVING YOU MY TRUTH
FROM MY HEART
BECAUSE OF HOW
YOU'VE INSPIRED ME...
--AND LARRY
THE CABLE GUY.
OUR NEXT ROASTER
IS ACTOR GARY BUSEY.
- ( cheering )
- YES.
GARY HAS APPEARED IN
THE BUDDY HOLLY MOVIE
AND IN A BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT
NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN.
BIG HAND FOR A MAN
SO DANGEROUS,
H.I.V. CROSSES THE STREET
WHEN IT SEES HIM COMING,
GARY BUSEY!
( rock music playing )
♪ I LOOK JUST
LIKE BUDDY HOLLY ♪
♪ OH OH, AND YOU'RE
MARY TYLER MOORE ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY
SAY ABOUT US ANYWAY ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THAT ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THAT... ♪
( music stops )
FIRST OF ALL,
I'D LIKE TO SAY THIS
IS TRULY AN HONOR
TO SHARE THIS STAGE
WITH A FELLOW ACTOR
WHOSE LIFETIME HAS BEEN
DEDICATED TO THE CRAFT,
AND HAS SERVED AS
AN INSPIRATION
TO ME AND ALL THESPIANS
ALL OVER THE WORLD--
DOWN THERE AT THE END,
SIR JAMES EARL JONES.
AND I HAVE TO ADD,
I REALLY LIKED YOU
IN "NORBIT."
( hooting, laughing )
HOLD IT!
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
I'M SERIOUS HERE.
JEFF FOXWORTHY, I'VE BEEN
TO DOZENS OF YOUR LECTURES.
AND DESPITE THE HANDFUL
OF RUDE, ELDERLY PEOPLE
WHO LAUGHED AT
YOUR PRESENTATION,
I RECEIVED COMPELLING
INFORMATION
ABOUT HOW I MIGHT
BE A REDNECK.
I WANTED TO DO SOME
RESEARCH ON LARRY
SO I WENT TO
A VIDEO STORE
AND THEY TOLD ME TO FIND
HIS MOVIES
IN THE ROOM
BEHIND THE PORN.
HE WAS IN ONE MOVIE
CALLED "WITLESS PROTECTION,"
WHICH IS DIFFERENT
FROM WITNESS PROTECTION
WHERE THERE'S A CHANCE
SOMEBODY MIGHT SEE YOU.
AND THE ONLY WAY THAT DVD
IS GONNA FLY OFF THE SHELVES
IS IF A TORNADO
HITS A WALMART.
THAT'S IT.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU HAVE THE NERVE--
YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CHARGE
50 BUCKS FOR A TICKET
TO YOUR SHOW!
THIS-- GOD!
I KNOW WHAT IT--
I GUESS SPACE ALIENS
AIN'T THE ONLY ONES --
YOUR FANS UP THE ASS.
SHAME ON YOU!
HEY! HEY.
HEY, LOOK.
HOW DID THEY GET
GARY BUSEY HERE TONIGHT?
- HUH?
- ( laughing, hooting )
I WONDER, DID SOMEONE
TURN ON THE BATSHIT SIGNAL?
HEY HEY, GARY?
GIVE ME THE NUMBER
OF YOUR DENTIST;
I NEED TO TILE
MY HOT TUB.
WHAT? WHAT WHAT?
HE'S GOT
UNBELIEVABLE TEETH.
BUT, GARY,
I GOT TO TELL YOU,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RESCUED
BY THE JAWS OF LIFE,
NOT WEAR 'EM.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
HEY!
( whistling )
HO! WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WHAT'S SO FUNNY
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHO I AM?
( cheering )
SERIOUSLY, TELL ME,
BECAUSE I DON'T.
IT'S BAD MOJO
AT THESE ROASTS
IF YOU DON'T MAKE FUN OF
LISA "LUMPAGELLI"'S
HAUNTED VAGINA.
I'M TOLD THAT SHE'S HAD
SO MANY BLACK MEN
GOING OFF
UP INSIDE HER,
THAT IF YOU HOLD HER --
UP TO YOUR EAR,
YOU'RE GONNA HEAR
"SWEET GEORGIA BROWN."
( "Sweet Georgia Brown"
playing )
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
IS ANYONE ELSE
HEARING THAT?
- ( music ends )
- LISA,
COULD YOU PLEASE SET
YOUR -- TO VIBRATE?
IT'LL BE A LOT
SAFER IN HERE.
HA HA!
HEY, LARRY.
FROM MY HEART,
HONESTLY,
YOU'RE A GREAT MAN AND
YOU HAVE DEVOTED YOUR LIFE
TO BRINGING LAUGHTER
TO THE MASSES, INCLUDING ME.
YET TO THE EDUCATED,
YOU ARE THE PREEMINENT
POSTMODERN HUMORIST.
YOUR ACT HAS
HINTS OF...
HAROLD PINTER,
SAMUEL BECKETT,
THEATER OF THE ABSURD--
SHIFTING BETWEEN THE SURREAL
TO THE SLAPSTICK.
IT STANDS AT THE VANGUARD
OF THE DEEP-FRIED DADA MOVEMENT.
THAT'S WHERE YOU LIVE--
THAT'S YOUR ADDRESS.
( silent )
AHH, BUT THEN AGAIN,
I'M GARY BUSEY...
( cheering )
...SO WHO KNOWS WHAT THE --
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
GOOD NIGHT, CITIZENS
OF THE NINTH DIVISION!
( rock music playing )
THE NEXT ROASTER COMING
TO THE PODIUM
IS LARRY THE CABLE GUY'S
OPENING ACT, RENO COLLIER.
- ( hooting )
- YES.
THAT CAN MEAN ONLY
ONE THING:
IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A PISS
OR DO SOME BLOW,
GO NOW.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RENO COLLIER!
( rock music playing )
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAVE A HUGE
GAY FOLLOWING
AND I LOVE HAVING
SEX WITH BLACK GUYS.
THESE AREN'T MY NOTES.
OH, NO-- NO, I KNOW
WHOSE THEY ARE-- I GOT IT.
YOU'RE FIRED.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T
KNOW WHO I AM,
I PLAYED NATALIE
ON "THE FACTS OF LIFE."
- ( cheering )
- THANK YOU.
NO, LARRY AND I HAVE SPENT
THE LAST FEW YEARS
TOURING TOGETHER OUT
ON THE ROAD,
AND NOW WE SPEND OUR DAYS
TRAINING WITH A TRAINER.
HA!
WHAT A JOKE.
DUDE, LOOK AT US.
AND WE'RE
ALWAYS DIETING.
FIRST YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO DO ATKINS,
SO YOU MADE UP YOUR OWN
DIET CALLED THE "AIKEN'S DIET."
THAT'S WHERE HE SAID
HE COULD EAT AS MUCH STUFF
AS HE WANTED--
CAKE, PIE, RIBS--
THEN LOOK AT A PICTURE
OF CLAY AIKEN HOLDING HIS BABY
AND HE'D THROW ALL
THAT SHIT BACK UP.
LISA LAMPANELLI LOST
100 LBS,
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS
POACHED FOR IVORY.
( crowd groans )
( laughing )
MANY-- MANY PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW THAT LARRY PLAYED
A LITTLE BASEBALL IN COLLEGE
AND APPARENTLY AT SOME
POINT WAS CLOCKED
THROWING A PITCH
90-mph.
THAT'S WHAT
THE PROS THROW.
THE ONLY THING YOU
HAVE IN COMMON WITH
PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL
IS LIP CANCER AND
A SHITLOAD OF BAD PRESS.
NO, HE REALLY DOES
USE TOBACCO.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT;
IT RUNS IN HIS FAMILY.
HIS PARENTS ACTUALLY DIDN'T
HAVE HIM CIRCUMCISED
SO HE'D HAVE SOMEWHERE
TO KEEP HIS CHEW WHILE HE
ATE HIS LUNCH.
TRUE STORY.
BEFORE I GO,
LARRY, I ASKED YOUR WIFE
IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THAT
SHE'D LIKE TO ADD TO THIS ROAST.
AND SHE SAID YES.
SHE WANTED ME TO SHARE
WITH EVERYBODY THIS:
"IF-- IF YOU MARRY
SOMEBODY FOR MONEY,
YOU ARE GOING TO
PAY FOR IT EVERY DAY FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."
AND THEN SHE WANTED ME
TO SHOW EVERYBODY THESE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU, DUDE,
THE LAST THREE YEARS
TOURING WITH YOU
HAVE BEEN AWESOME, MAN.
AND I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH
FROM WATCHING YOU.
AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,
IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO BE THIS GUY'S FRIEND,
YOU'RE REALLY MISSING OUT, MAN.
I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
COMING UP,
JEFF FOXWORTHY--
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.
MOM, LOOK WHO IT IS!
MAUREEN McCORMICK,
NICK DiPAOLO,
AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY
GETS THE LAST WORD--
GARY BUSEY-- I'M SO MAD AT HIM
THAT HE DID WELL,
'CAUSE I HAD ALL THESE --
LINES WRITTEN FOR AFTER
HE SUCKED AND HE DIDN'T.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
OUR NEXT PRESENTER
IS "BRADY BUNCH" FANTASY GIRL
MAUREEN McCORMICK.
YES.
( cheering )
LARRY ASKED TO HAVE
MAUREEN HERE TONIGHT
BECAUSE HE WANTED SOMEONE
HE USED TO MASTURBATE TO
IN HIGH SCHOOL
AND MR. ED WASN'T AVAILABLE.
A GIRL WHO'S PUT AWAY
MORE DRUGS
THAN A WALGREEN'S
STOCK BOY,
MAUREEN McCORMICK!
♪ I THINK I'LL GO FOR
A WALK OUTSIDE NOW ♪
♪ THE SUMMER SUN'S
CALLING MY NAME ♪
♪ I HEAR YOU NOW,
I JUST CAN'T STAY
INSIDE ALL DAY... ♪
LARRY, THIS IS A BIG NIGHT
FOR ME TOO
BECAUSE AFTER YEARS
OF DRUG ABUSE,
SEX ADDICTION
AND REHAB,
WITH THIS ROAST, I WILL
FINALLY FINISH
MY COMMUNITY SERVICE.
( cheering )
BECAUSE OF MY EXPERIENCE
IN RECOVERY,
I'M UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO
HELP HOLLYWOOD'S CELEBRITIES,
OR THESE PEOPLE.
AS YOU KNOW, #9 OF
THE 12 STEPS
IS MAKING AMENDS.
SO I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING
THAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID
20 YEARS AGO:
GARY BUSEY,
I'M SORRY I CUT YOU OFF
IN TRAFFIC THAT DAY.
WOW!
WHEW!
I FEEL BETTER.
IF THERE IS ONE THING
I'VE GAINED IN RECOVERY,
IT'S THE WISDOM TO KNOW
THAT THERE ARE THINGS
THAT YOU CAN CHANGE
AND THINGS YOU CAN'T.
TOBY KEITH,
WHEN YOU WAKE UP TOMORROW,
THERE'S STILL GOING TO BE
LIBERALS IN THE WORLD,
MEXICANS AND BLACKS
AND MUSLIMS
AND JEWS
AND HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATES...
AND EVERYONE ELSE
WHO HATES YOUR MUSIC.
THERE ARE BRIGHT SPOTS
FOR YOU, TOBY.
AS LONG AS THERE'S
A FLAG WAVING,
A HONKY-TONK LEFT
STANDING,
OR A PREGNANT WOMAN IN
STRETCH PANTS ON HER SECOND
PACK OF MARLBOROS
BEATING HER KIDS
IN A WALMART,
YOU, TOBY KEITH,
ARE LOVED!
YOU KNOW,
THE BUDDHA SAYS,
"LIFE IS STRUGGLE."
WE ALL HAVE TO
OVERCOME OBSTACLES,
LIKE WARREN SAPP'S
COURAGEOUS BATTLE WITH LITERACY.
LOOK AT YOU, WARREN.
YOU HAVE COME
SO FAR WITHOUT
THE SLIGHTEST ABILITY
TO READ OR WRITE.
YOU DANCE
WITH STARS
EVEN THOUGH YOU LOOK
LIKE SHREK IF HE GREW UP
IN SOUTH CENTRAL.
LISA LAMPANELLI--
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION
TO ANYONE
ON THE PATH TO SOBRIETY.
I'M SURE YOU'LL NEVER
DEVELOP A COKE PROBLEM
BECAUSE IT'S TOO HARD FOR YOU
TO LOOK INTO A MIRROR.
BUT IF I COULD OFFER
ONE TINY HELPFUL BIT
OF CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE
BLACK --
THRUST INTO YOUR VAGINA
OR YOUR CLAMMY FAT ROLLS,
IS REALLY A DAGGER STABBING
INTO YOUR FATHER'S HEART.
NO AMOUNT OF --
SHOT IN YOUR FACE
WOULD BE ENOUGH TO WASH
AWAY HIS TEARS.
MY GREATEST HONOR
IS TO SHARE
THIS STAGE WITH THE STAR OF
"THE JEFF FOXWORTHY SHOW."
JEFF, I RELATE TO YOU
SO PROFOUNDLY.
I TOO STARRED ON
A FAMILY SITCOM
WITH A FATHER WHO WAS
SECRETLY GAY.
WE ALL KNOW THAT YOUR
MUSTACHE IS AN OUTDATED
CRY FOR HELP
AND THAT YOUR TIGHT JEANS
ARE A BEACON
TO EVERY TRUCK-STOP QUEEN
LOOKING TO HAVE HIS
BALLS DRAINED
DURING
A CROSS-COUNTRY HAUL.
I REMEMBER ONE TRAUMATIC
TIME IN MY LIFE
WHEN MARSHA BRADY
GOT BRACES.
NOW, LARRY,
BRACES ARE THINGS THAT WE USE
TO STRAIGHTEN OUR TEETH WITH.
NO?
OKAY, YOU SEE, TEETH
ARE THOSE YELLOW THINGS
IN YOUR MOUTH THAT YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO CLEAN.
CLEANING IS WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
HAVE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.
AND LARRY,
RESPECT IS WHAT
YOU TRADED FOR FAME
WHEN YOU MADE
YOUR DEAL WITH SATAN.
LARRY,
THE TRUTH IS,
YOU'RE A KIND SOUL,
A DEDICATED FATHER,
AND YOU WILL LEAVE
A LEGACY OF LAUGHTER.
AND SO...
I SAY TO
ALL OF YOU,
BE WILLING TO ACCEPT
WHO YOU ARE.
YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL
CHILDREN IN THE EYES OF GOD,
EXCEPT GREG GIRALDO.
YOU'RE --.
( cheering )
THANK YOU
AND GOOD NIGHT.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
UP NEXT,
NICK DiPAOLO,
JEFF FOXWORTHY
AND LARRY
THE CABLE GUY--
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAD A BLAST DOING
THE REHEARSAL.
AS FAR AS THE SHOW GOES,
I THINK IT'S GONNA BLOW.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
OUR NEXT ROASTER
IS BLUE-COLLAR-COMEDY MAESTRO
JEFF FOXWORTHY.
( cheering )
JEFF FOXWORTHY
IS A LEGEND!
EVERY TIME I SEE
HIS MUSTACHE
IT REMINDS ME TO WAX MY LIP.
AND EVERY TIME I HEAR HIS JOKES
IT REMINDS ME TO
WIPE MY ASS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. JEFF FOXWORTHY!
( rock music playing )
FIRST OF ALL, I WANT
TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OUT
TO MY SUNDAY-SCHOOL CLASS.
I'M SURE THEY'RE ALL
WATCHING THIS TONIGHT.
HOLY COW.
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE
A CLASSY EVENT
WHEN I HEARD LISA LAMPANELLI
WAS GOING TO BE HOSTING.
GOD, YOU COULD PLAY
LISA'S CD IN A TRUCK STOP
AND TRUCKERS WOULD BE GOING,
"HEY HEY HEY, THERE'S
MECHANICS IN HERE!"
PRETTY COOL TO MEET
GARY BUSEY TONIGHT.
I THINK GARY'S
KIND OF LIKE SEX--
YOU WANT TO DO IT,
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO
BE ALONE WHEN YOU DO IT.
I HEARD THAT!
RENO COLLIER,
CONGRATULATIONS.
I THINK YOU'VE SOLIDIFIED
YOUR POSITION
AS AN OPENING ACT WITH
YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.
( crowd groans )
WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
I'D LIKE TO THANK BILL ENGVALL
FOR MAILING IT IN.
LARRY, THAT OUGHT TO
KEEP YOU HUMBLE.
ENGVALL, THE GUY THAT
WOULD SHOW UP
FOR THE GRAND OPENING
OF A LAUNDROMAT
HAD SOMETHING BETTER
TO DO TONIGHT.
GREG GIRALDO,
NICE JOB.
THREE HOURS FROM NOW,
LARRY'S GONNA BE ON HIS
LEARJET HEADED HOME
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SITTING
IN THE DRIVE-THRU
AT CARL'S JR.
YELLING AT THE SPEAKER,
"ARE Y'ALL STILL OPEN?"
BRINGS ME TO
MY BUDDY LARRY.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS
ASK ME, "DID YOU SEE
LARRY'S LATEST MOVIE?"
I ALWAYS ANSWER, "NO,
BUT I FLUSHED A $10 BILL
DOWN THE TOILET
SO I FEEL LIKE
I'VE SEEN IT.'
I ACTUALLY HAD A CHANCE TO
BE IN "DELTA FARCE,"
BUT I COULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE
I READ THE SCRIPT.
UH...
I'VE FOUND THE BEST WAY TO
ENJOY LARRY'S MOVIES
IS NEVER PUT 'EM IN
THE DVD PLAYER.
NUTRISYSTEM GAVE LARRY
A MILLION BUCKS
TO LOSE 50 LBS,
WHICH ANALYSTS HAVE
TRACED BACK TO THE COLLAPSE
OF OUR ECONOMY.
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME,
"WHAT'S THE MOST FUN THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE
IN YOUR CAREER?"
AND I ALWAYS ANSWER,
"THE BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR."
- ( cheering )
- THANK YOU.
I REMEMBER ALL THOSE YEARS
RIDING THAT BUS,
YOU KNOW, TALKING WITH LARRY
DEEP INTO THE NIGHT.
AND HE WAS JUST ALWAYS
SO EAGER TO LEARN--
CONSTANTLY ASKING
QUESTIONS LIKE,
"IS SECOND BASE OVER
THE SHIRT OR UNDER THE SHIRT?"
AT WHICH POINT I WOULD GO
TO RON'S BUNK,
PULL OUT THE INFLATABLE DOLL
AND SHOW HIM ONE MORE TIME.
THE AMAZING THING
TO ME
IS HE'S
HAPPILY MARRIED.
SHE'S MISERABLE,
BUT HE'S HAPPY AS A CLAM.
I KNOW IT'S TOUGH
HAVING LITTLE KIDS
AND BEING OUT ON THE ROAD
ALL THE TIME.
IN FACT, I ASKED LARRY'S
WIFE CARA--
I SAID, "HOW DO YOU
AND LARRY DO IT?"
SHE SAID, "I JUST
CLOSE MY EYES
AND PRETEND
IT ISN'T HAPPENING."
SHE SAID CONCEIVING THOSE
TWO CHILDREN
WAS THE WORST
30 SECONDS OF HER LIFE.
AND YOU KNOW
THE COOLEST THING?
LARRY HAS BEEN ABLE
TO SHARE HIS ART
WITH THE WORLD WHILE
REMAINING TRUE TO HIS
INBRED, ILLITERATE ROOTS.
AND SUCCESS DID NOT
GO TO YOUR HEAD.
TO YOUR STOMACH,
ASS AND THIGHS, YEAH,
BUT NEVER TO
YOUR HEAD.
GREG GIRALDO, LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY
FUNNEL CAKES YOU CAN BUY
WITH $50 MILLION?
HE DOES.
I THINK THE JOKE'S
ON ALL OF US--
THIS GUY IS ON THE "FORBES"
LIST FOR GIVING THE WORLD
ROUTINES LIKE "BISCUITS
AND GRAVY," "EATIN' BRITCHES"
AND "POOP LASAGNA."
AND I SALUTE YOU, SIR.
AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS:
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HAPPY
FOR SOMEONE'S SUCCESS.
AND THE COOL THING
ABOUT THIS GUY--
HE IS SO KIND AND
HE IS SO GENEROUS
IN WAYS THAT PEOPLE
NEVER EVER SEE
AND I LOVE YOU, DUDE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AND I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO
GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.
( rock music playing )
STILL TO COME,
NICK DiPAOLO
- AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY--
- I'LL BE GOOD
BUT I DON'T KNOW-- I CAN'T
GUARANTEE THE REST OF 'EM.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
OUR NEXT PERFORMER COMING
TO THE PODIUM
IS NICK DiPAOLO.
NICK'S IN HIS ELEMENT
HERE TODAY
BECAUSE HE'S USED TO WORKING
IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE
WHO'S THERE TO
SEE SOMEONE ELSE.
PLEASE WELCOME
GUINEA GREASEBALL COMEDIAN
NICK DiPAOLO!
( rock music playing )
LISA LAMPANELLI, EVERYBODY.
HUH? COME ON.
SHE'S SLEPT WITH SO MANY
BLACK GUYS,
50 MURDERS ARE SOLVED
EVERY TIME SHE HAS A PAP SMEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WROTE THAT SHIT
MYSELF.
HER -- PHONE HAS SO MANY
BLACK GUYS ON SPEED DIAL,
SHE CALLS IT HER
"SICKLE CELL."
DON'T GET TOUCHY NOW,
YOU --.
SERIOUSLY.
JEFF ROSS, HUH?
HOW ABOUT JEFF ROSS?
YEAH.
SOMEBODY BACKSTAGE SAID,
"WHAT'S A ROAST WITHOUT
JEFF ROSS?"
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT FUNNY?
-- TOBY KEITH.
IS TOBY KEITH YOUR REAL NAME
OR THE FIRST TWO GUYS
YOU BLEW?
JEFF FOXWORTHY, THAT MUSTACHE
MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE.
THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME
OF YOUR SHOW TO, "ARE YOU
-- THAN A FIFTH GRADER?"
( crowd groans )
YEAH.
JEFF'S A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN
WHICH IS NO SURPRISE--
PEOPLE ALWAYS FIND
JESUS AFTER THEY'VE DONE
SOMETHING UNFORGIVEABLE,
LIKE
"THE JEFF FOXWORTHY SHOW."
MAUREEN McCORMICK--
I'LL TELL YOU,
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
I MASTURBATED TO YOU AS A KID
WHEN THE CREDITS WERE ROLLING
AT THE END OF "THE BRADY BUNCH"?
TO THIS DAY, I CAN'T
PLAY TIC-TAC-TOE WITHOUT
GETTING A HARD-ON.
"MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA"--
THAT WASN'T JAN; THAT WAS ME
IN THE SHOWER AT AGE 12
WITH A HANDFUL
OF PRELL.
-- GARY BUSEY--
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR
A BRAIN INJURY TO HEAL?
JESUS CHRIST.
APPARENTLY, GARY DAMAGED
EVERY PART OF THE BRAIN
EXCEPT FOR ONE--
THE ASSHOLE LOBE.
SIT DOWN, YOU RETARD.
WH--
OH, GOODNESS.
I SAW WARREN ON
"DANCING WITH THE STARS."
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING
A LEATHER COUCH DURING
AN EARTHQUAKE.
I HEARD HIS AGENT BACKSTAGE
ARGUING ON THE PHONE
ABOUT HIS CONTRACT
FOR THE ROAST.
I ACTUALLY HEARD HIS AGENT
SAY THIS--
"NO NO NO, I SAID, '45 ACRES
AND THREE MULES.'"
All:
AWWW!
IT'S A GREAT JOKE,
YOU WHITE LIBERAL --.
ANYWAYS...
BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING;
ALL THE WHITE -- OBAMA FANS
ARE CRYING.
GO -- YOURSELF.
ANYWAYS--
LET'S GET TO LARRY, HUH?
JESUS.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT A GUY
WHO LOOKS LIKE BRETT FAVRE,
SOUNDS LIKE GOMER PYLE
AND DRESSES LIKE
ELLEN DeGENERES?
WE ALL KNOW HIS REAL NAME
IS DAN WHITNEY,
BUT HE HAD TO CHANGE IT BECAUSE
IT HAD THE WORD "WIT" IN IT.
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S IRONIC:
WE'RE ROASTING
LARRY THE CABLE GUY,
YET HALF HIS FANS
AREN'T GOING TO SEE THIS
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T MADE
THE SWITCH FROM -- ANALOG.
RIGHT NOW IN APPALACHIA,
THERE'S 200 MONGOLOIDS
STANDING ON THE ROOFS OF
THEIR OUTHOUSES
WITH THEIR -- WRAPPED IN
TIN FOIL FACING DUE NORTH.
BOY, I SHOULD
HAVE STAYED SOBER.
--.
I SAW LARRY BACKSTAGE WITH
A LONG FACE
SNIFFING HIS FINGERS.
I SAID, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
HE GOES,
"I MISS MY FAMILY."
LARRY KNOWS NOTHING
ABOUT POLITICS.
I ASKED HIM WHAT HE THOUGHT
OF OBAMA'S STIMULUS PACKAGE,
AND HE SAID, "WHAT CAN I SAY?
BLACK GUYS GOT BIG --."
THANKS A LOT.
I APPRECIATE IT.
LARRY-- COME ON!
DANNY WHITNEY-- I'VE KNOWN HIM
FOR A LONG TIME.
HE WAS FUNNY BEFORE
HE WAS LARRY;
HE'S FUNNY NOW,
AND HE DESERVES EVERY
GODDAMNED PENNY HE MAKES.
THANKS A LOT.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
UP NEXT,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY--
I GOT A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
THEY CAN BASH ME ALL
THEY WANT TO.
I LOVE THEM GUYS.
LISA LAMPANELLI'S KIND OF
A BITCH, THOUGH.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
WELL, LARRY THE CABLE GUY,
NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO GET YOUR REVENGE.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY
HAS EVERYTHING:
SLEEVELESS SHIRT,
STUPID CATCH PHRASE--
HE'S MR. T WITHOUT
THE ACTING CHOPS.
HE'S CALLED "CABLE GUY"
BECAUSE AFTER YOU
HEAR HIS ACT,
YOU WANT TO TAKE SOME CABLE
AND HANG YOURSELF.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE CLAP FOR
THE MAN OF THE HOUR
AND OUR
GUEST OF HONOR--
LARRY THE CABLE GUY!
( rock music playing )
All chanting:
LARRY, LARRY, LARRY.
EH, GIT-R-DONE!
( all cheering )
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS IS AWESOME.
LISA LAMPANELLI AGAIN,
EVERYBODY.
ONE MORE HAND
FOR OLD LISA.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE FACTS,
LISA'S NOT THE SHINIEST
LURE IN THE TACKLE BOX.
FRONT-ROW TICKETS TO
LISA'S SHOW ARE 100 BUCKS
AND OBSTRUCTED-VIEW TICKETS
IS $150.
BUT...
I WANT TO TELL YA,
EVERYBODY HERE
SUCKS SO BAD,
I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE 'EM
ALL A PART IN MY NEXT MOVIE.
THE GUYS THAT ARE
HERE TONIGHT
ARE SOME OF THE MOST
BRIGHTEST TALENT IN THE COUNTRY
AND GARY BUSEY.
Man:
GARY!
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHY GARY--
OR HOW HE GOT
ON MY ROAST.
UH, I GUESS DR. DREW MUST
BE ON HIATUS THIS WEEK.
LOOK AT THAT--
MY BUDDY JEFF FOXWORTHY;
I GOT MY BUDDY
TOBY KEITH;
I GOT ARETHA FRANKLIN
DOWN THERE ON THE END.
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WARREN, DON'T YOU
FEEL KINDA WEIRD?
TWO WOMEN ON THE DAIS
UP HERE
AND YOU GOT BIGGER
TITS THAN BOTH OF 'EM.
GOOD TO SEE MY BUDDY
TOBY HERE TONIGHT.
HE'S A GOOD BUDDY OF MINE
AND A GOOD AMERICAN.
HIS BLOOD'S RED,
HIS PICKET FENCE IS WHITE,
AND HIS LAST ALBUM "BLEW."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
TOBY ALWAYS WRITES SONGS
ABOUT DIVE BARS WITH
CRUSTY WAITRESSES
AND A JUKEBOX WITH
STICKY FLOORS
AND SIGNS OUT FRONT THAT SAY,
"APPEARING TONIGHT,
GREG GIRALDO."
BUT, GREG, DON'T WORRY--
ONE DAY OPPORTUNITY
WILL KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR.
AND YOU WILL ANSWER IT.
AND IT WILL ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
TO CARLOS MENCIA'S HOUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S
REALLY COOL?
I WANT TO THANK
MARSHA BRADY FOR BEING HERE.
AND SHE'S CRAZY.
SHE WALKED BEHIND ME; I'M LIKE
"MAN, THAT'S MARSHA BRADY, MAN,
FROM 'THE BRADY BUNCH.'"
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU KNOW, THE GIRL I HAD
A CRUSH ON MY WHOLE LIFE
AND NOW SHE'S HERE.
AND I JUST GOTTA SAY,
WHAT HAPPENED?
- ( crowd groans )
- I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,
I THINK I'D RATHER
BANG SAM THE BUTCHER TO
BE HONEST WITH YOU, BUT--
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,
WHAT HAPPENED?
UH, NO.
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANKS FOR TAKING THE DAY
OFF WALMART TO BE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I GET
A LOT OF FLAK
FROM CRITICS FOR
BEING HOMOPHOBIC.
BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING:
I THINK HAVING INVITED
JEFF ROSS HERE TONIGHT
PROVES HOW MUCH
I LOVE THE QUEERS.
THAT BRINGS ME TO
MY GOOD BUDDY
RENO COLLIER.
NOBODY KNEW REALLY ACTUALLY
WHO RENO WAS WHEN HE WAS HERE.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE RUNNING UP
TO ME AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE,
"HEY, WHO'S THAT FAT DUDE
THAT LOOKS LIKE PETER GRIFFIN
FROM 'FAMILY GUY'?"
OUT OF ALL THE OPENING ACTS
AND MIDDLE ACTS HERE TONIGHT,
NICK DiPAOLO IS
MY FAVORITE.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW,
BUT NICK DiPAOLO HAD
THE INSIDE TRACK
TO DO "SMARTER THAN
A FIFTH GRADER" OVER JEFF.
AND HE ALMOST GOT IT AND
THEN THE EXECUTIVES FOUND OUT
THAT NICK WASN'T ALLOWED
WITHIN 500yds
OF A FIFTH GRADER.
SO...
AND THAT BRINGS ME
TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
AND MENTORS
IN THE WHOLE WORLD
OF COMEDY, AND THAT'S
MY BUDDY JEFF FOXWORTHY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
JEFF WAS KIND ENOUGH
TO TAKE ME ON THE ROAD
WITH HIM AT THE PEAK
OF HIS CAREER.
AND HE KEPT DOING IT
EVEN AFTER 1997.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO
THIS JOKE FOR JEFF A LONG TIME.
BUT THIS IS ONE
I COME UP WITH THAT MAYBE
YOU CAN USE:
IF YOU UNDERESTIMATE
THE TALENT OF YOUR OPENING ACT
AND WATCH HIM GO ON TO MAKE
MORE MONEY THAN YOU,
YOU MIGHT BE
A REDNECK.
AND WITH THAT SAID,
I GOTTA SAY, IT WAS
A BLAST TO SIT HERE TONIGHT
AND TAKE THE SHOTS.
YOU KNOW, I'M A PRETTY
EASY TARGET.
IT WASN'T HARD
TO MAKE FUN OF ME, SO...
I JUST GOTTA SAY,
I'VE GOT HUGE RESPECT
FOR EVERYBODY UP HERE.
EVERYBODY UP HERE IS
A FRIEND OF MINE.
I'M HONORED TO BE SITTING RIGHT
THERE IN THE ROASTING CHAIR.
I'M HONORED THAT THESE GUYS
THINK ENOUGH OF ME
TO COME OUT HERE AND MAKE FUN
OF HOW MUCH I SUCK.
I REALLY DO
APPRECIATE THAT.
BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU,
I LIKE MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH--
I LOVE DOING THAT.
AND I'M GLAD THAT
PEOPLE LIKE IT.
AND I JUST WANT
TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR
LETTING ME LIVE MY DREAM
OF BEING ABLE
TO DO COMEDY.
AND I TAKE MY INSPIRATION
FROM THE FELLOW
THAT WROTE THIS:
( British accent )
"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE,
AND IT MUST FOLLOW
AS THE DAY THE NIGHT,
THOU CANST NOT THEN
BE FALSE
TO ANY MAN!"
BUT THAT DON'T FIT ON
A BALL CAP, SO GIT-R-DONE!
( all cheering )
- ( rock music playing )
- THANKS AGAIN.
♪ SWEET HOME ALABAMA
♪ WHERE THE SKIES
ARE SO BLUE... ♪
U ARE HEE-HAWFUL.
( laughing )
LARRY, I'VE SEEN YOUR ACT--
YOU ARE HEE-HAWFUL.
THE ONLY THING MORE CLOGGED
THAN YOUR TOILET
- IS YOUR ARTERIES.
- ( light chuckles )
- --IS YOUR ARTERIES.
- ( laughter )
IT WORKED FOR JEFF ROSS.
LARRY'S SUCH A RACIST,
TO GET HIM TO THE SHOW TONIGHT,
HIS AGENT AND MANAGER
WERE "MEIN KAMPF"ED.
"MEIN KAMPF"ED, HE SAID
TO THE DRUNKEN BITCHES
FROM HOLLYWOOD
WHO WOULDN'T GET A JOKE IF
IT BIT THEM IN THE --.
HE DID GOOD, DIDN'T HE?
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- HIS FIRST ROAST HE EVER DID.
I FEEL LIKE ALL IN ALL,
IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST ROASTS.
I GOT HAMMERED PRETTY GOOD.
I ENJOYED IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD
FUN STANDS FOR-- F-U-N?
"FINALLY UNDERSTANDING
NOTHING."
THAT'S FUN.
Larry:
GIT-R-DONE!
YOU'RE KIDDING ME.
( screeches )
HEY!
Announcer:
THIS IS THE COMEDY
CENTRAL "ROAST
OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY."
WITH YOUR ROASTMASTER
LISA LAMPANELLI
AND ROASTERS GREG GIRALDO,
TOBY KEITH,
JEFFREY ROSS,
GARY BUSEY,
MAUREEN McCORMICK,
RENO COLLIER,
WARREN SAPP,
NICK DiPAOLO,
BILL ENGVALL
AND JEFF FOXWORTHY.
HEY, GIT-R-DONE.
Announcer:
THE COMEDY CENTRAL "ROAST
OF LARRY THE CABLE GUY."
IT'LL BE ONE
UNFORGETTABLE NIGHT.
AND NOW WELCOME
YOUR ROASTMASTER,
THE QUEEN OF MEAN,
LISA LAMPANELLI.
( cheering )
GOOD EVENING,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
WE ARE ASSEMBLED HERE
TO HONOR A MAN
WHOSE NAME IS
A HOUSEHOLD PHRASE,
LIKE ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION
AND LOOSE STOOL.
I AM TALKING OF COURSE
ABOUT LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
( cheering )
TONIGHT WE HAVE
BROUGHT TOGETHER
SOME OF THE FUNNIEST PEOPLE
ON THE PLANET TO ROAST LARRY.
AND BOY,
ARE THEY HIDEOUS.
LOOK AT THIS BUNCH
OF UNATTRACTIVE BASTARDS.
THE ONLY WAY THIS DAIS
COULD GET ANY UGLIER
IS IF THEY INVITED
JOHN McCAIN'S NUTSACK.
AND TALK ABOUT
A BUNCH OF LOSERS--
NICK DiPAOLO,
JEFF ROSS,
RENO COLLIER.
WHAT IS THIS,
"LAST COMIC AVAILABLE"?
THIS GROUP IS SO WORTHLESS,
EVEN THE OCTOMOM
WOULD ABORT THEM.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT
THESE WASTES OF SKIN.
MULTI-PLATINUM SELLING
COUNTRY ARTIST
TOBY KEITH IS HERE.
DUDE, I LIKE YOUR HAT.
IT'S SO BEAT UP
AND FLOPPY
IT LOOKS LIKE
BRITNEY SPEARS' --.
BUT WE'RE NOT HERE
TO TALK ABOUT THESE COLOSSAL
DISAPPOINTMENTS.
TONIGHT WE ARE HERE
TO HONOR LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
NOW BEFORE WE GET
THIS ROAST STARTED,
LET'S TAKE A LOOK
AT WHAT MAKES US ALL
LOVE LARRY SO MUCH.
- ( rock music playing )
- NAME'S LARRY.
HERE I AM BLESSED
WITH A SQUARE JAW,
GOOD LOOKS,
FIRM MUSCULAR BUTTOCKS...
- WHAT DO YOU THINK?
- ...GOOD HEALTH.
THAT'S THE IMPORTANT ONE--
GOOD HEALTH.
ABOUT TIME I'M GETTING
RECOGNIZED.
LET'S GIT-R-DONE.
I DON'T CARE WHO
YOU ARE, THAT'S FUNNY.
LORD, I APOLOGIZE.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY,
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN.
I'VE ALREADY BEEN SCREWED
THREE TIMES OUT OF AN OSCAR.
( rimshot )
IF YOU'RE IN THE GAY MAFIA
AND YOU GET WHACKED,
IS THAT GOOD OR BAD?
I GOT THREE WORDS FOR PETA--
CHICKEN FRIED STEAK.
I LOST 50 LBS ON NUTRISYSTEM
AND GAINED A WHOLE LOT
OF SEXY.
BABY, YOU LIKE WHAT YOU SEE,
DON'T YA?
I GET OFF IN AN HOUR.
AIN'T GONNA TAKE THAT LONG.
I GOT CRISCO AT MY HOUSE.
( farts )
♪ I'M A REDNECK PUNK
♪ YOU'RE A REDNECK PUNK.
THAT WAS REAL SEXY.
THE NEXT PRESIDENT
OF THE UNITED STATES,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
YOU KNOW, IF LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WERE RUNNING FOR PRESIDENT,
HE'D SAY "LET'S GET-R-DONE."
YOU MUST HEAR THIS
WHEREVER YOU GO.
I LOVE
WHEN MY FANS SAY IT.
I MEAN, GIT-R-DONE.
- THERE YOU GO, DARLIN'.
- I LOVE YOU!
Larry:
IT SEEMS LIKE THE MORE
THE CRITICS BASH ME
THE BIGGER MY CROWDS GET.
KEEP IT COMING.
GIT-R-DONE!
PLEASE WELCOME OUR GUEST
OF HONOR TONIGHT--
LARRY THE CABLE GUY!
( rock music playing )
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
WHAT HAPPENED TO YOU?
YOU'RE SO FAT AND HAIRY
YOU COULD BE A STUNT DOUBLE
FOR ROSIE O'DONNELL'S --.
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,
LOOK AROUND.
WE ARE LIVING
IN AMAZING TIMES.
THERE'S A BLACK MAN
IN THE WHITE HOUSE,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY
HAS HIS OWN ROAST,
AND SOMEBODY ASKED GREG GIRALDO
TO BE ON TV AGAIN.
DON'T YOU LAUGH GIRALDO.
YOU'RE AN ABJECT FAILURE.
DUDE, DO YOU EVEN
WORK ANYMORE?
YOUR DATE BOOK HAS MORE HOLES
THAN GARY BUSEY'S BRAIN.
THAT'S GOOD.
I AIN'T SCREWING WITH YOU,
GARY BUSEY.
- I'M AFRAID OF YOU.
- GOOD.
I'D RATHER TAKE MY CHANCES
WITH THAT CRAZY CHIMP
FROM CONNECTICUT.
GREAT TO SEE YOU HERE,
MAUREEN McCORMICK.
OH, YOU'RE TERRIFIC.
MAUREEN McCORMICK.
I READ YOUR AUTOBIOGRAPHY.
JESUS CHRIST.
YOU WERE MORE UNSTABLE THAN
ROBERT REED'S T-CELL COUNT.
( crowd groans )
TOO SOON?
AND, HONEY, I THINK YOU
SHOULD TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF
A LITTLE MORE.
I HAVEN'T SEEN A BLONDE
LOOKING THIS ROUGHED UP
SINCE MICKEY ROURKE
IN "THE WRESTLER."
WARREN SAPP--
ONE OF THE GREATEST DEFENSIVE
LINEMEN OF ALL TIME.
( cheering )
WARREN,
I'M GLAD YOU'RE HERE.
YOU'RE CUTE.
SERIOUSLY, YOU'RE SO HOT
IF I OWNED YOU
I'D LET YOU IN MY HOUSE.
I DON'T CARE IF YOU'RE FAT
AND MISSHAPEN, WARREN.
I THINK YOU'RE SEXY.
WELL, YOU KNOW ME.
I LOVE THE BLACKS.
IT'S TRUE.
I HAVE BANGED SO MANY
BLACK GUYS
MY VAG HAS A HORN SECTION.
SPEAKING OF BALL HANDLERS,
JEFF ROSS IS HERE.
( cheering )
JEFF ROSS HAS A VERY
ACTIVE SEX LIFE.
EVERY NIGHT HE --
AN ENTIRE AUDIENCE
OUT OF 15 BUCKS APIECE.
IT'S TRUE.
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING
AT, FOXWORTHY?
- OH, HERE WE GO.
- WITH YOUR '70s
PORN MOUSTACHE.
UGH.
THAT'S THE FIRST TIME
I'VE EVER SEEN
AN UPPER LIP
HAVE A BAD HAIR DAY.
BUT ENOUGH ABOUT
THESE FREAKS OF NATURE.
LARRY, IT IS AN HONOR TO
SERVE AS ROASTMASTER FOR YOU.
LARRY WAS RAISED
AT A PIG FARM.
AND AT AGE 13
HE WAS PUT IN CHARGE
OF INSEMINATING THE PIGS.
AT AGE 15
HE LEARNED THERE WAS A MACHINE
THAT COULD DO IT FOR HIM.
A MERE 30 YEARS LATER,
LARRY WAS THE BREAKOUT STAR
OF THE BLUE COLLAR
COMEDY TOUR
WITH HIS CATCH PHRASE
"GIT-R-DONE."
- ( cheering )
- OH YES.
GIT-R-DONE!
LARRY YELLS "GIT-R-DONE"
AND HIS AUDIENCE
COMES A-RUNNIN'.
GIT-R-DONE IS TO REDNECKS
WHAT FREE CHICKEN AND WHITE
BITCHES IS TO BLACKS.
BUT COME ON, LARRY.
HAVEN'T YOU MILKED THIS
GIT-R-DONE THING LONG ENOUGH?
YOU'VE BEATEN
THAT CONCEPT SO HARD
IT'S NOW DATING
CHRIS BROWN.
( crowd groans )
TODAY, AS A COMEDIAN,
LARRY EARNS
AN EARTH-SHATTERING
$250,000 A NIGHT.
$250,000
A NIGHT.
$250,000 A NIGHT.
I JUST WANT TO SEE HOW MANY
TIMES I HAVE TO SAY THAT
BEFORE GREG GIRALDO
KILLS HIMSELF.
LARRY, YOU ARE A MAN
WHO EMBODIES TRUE SUCCESS.
I WOULD GIVE
ANYTHING TO BE AS SUCCESSFUL
AND BELOVED AS YOU ARE.
IF I COULD
JUST FIGURE OUT
A WAY TO DO IT.
OH, FOXWORTHY,
GET YOUR ASS OVER HERE
SO I CAN SUCK YOUR -- TOO.
ALL RIGHT, EVERYBODY,
YOU READY TO GET
THIS ROAST STARTED?
OUR FIRST ROASTER
THIS EVENING
IS LATINO FUNNYMAN
GREG GIRALDO.
AS A REGULAR ON ALL
THE COMEDY CENTRAL ROASTS,
HE IS ONE STEP
ABOVE THE GUY
WHO CLEANS UP THE -- PUDDLES
AT THE PORN THEATER.
PLEASE WELCOME
COMEDY'S CRUEL JOKE--
GREG GIRALDO.
- ( cheering )
- ( rock music playing )
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU VERY MUCH,
EVERYBODY.
LISA LAMPANELLI.
KEEP IT GOING FOR THAT GUY.
WASN'T HE FUNNY?
SERIOUSLY.
WASN'T HE -- HILARIOUS?
I LOVE THE PINK
CAMOUFLAGE, LISA.
YOU'RE LIKE
GENERAL FATTON.
HOLY SHIT.
LOOK AT YOU, YOU FAT --.
WHO KNEW LANE BRYANT'S
HAD AN ARMY?
LISA ACTUALLY HAS A LOT
IN COMMON WITH THAT OCTOMOM--
THAT WOMAN WHO GAVE BIRTH
TO ALL THOSE BABIES.
SHE'S NEVER GIVEN BIRTH,
BUT SHE HAS HAD 80 FINGERS
INSIDE HER AT THE SAME TIME.
LOOK AT THIS PACK
OF SLOBS UP HERE.
GARY BUSEY'S HERE,
KIND OF.
HOW ABOUT GARY?
YEAH.
GARY, I GUESS, FLEW IN
FROM LOBOTOMY ISLAND.
JESUS, GARY,
YOU HORSE-FACED LUNATIC.
YOU LOOK LIKE NICK NOLTE
-- A CLYDESDALE.
YOUR TEETH LOOK LIKE
A ROW OF URINALS.
LOOK AT YOURSELF.
EVERY TIME YOU TALK
I WANNA PISS IN YOUR MOUTH.
AND I DON'T KNOW--
WARREN, WHAT THE HELL
ARE YOU DOING HERE?
HOLY SHIT.
WARREN WAS GREAT ON
"DANCING WITH THE STARS."
HE CAME IN SECOND
AND THEN CELEBRATED
BY DRAGGING HIS PARTNER
TO THE TOP OF
THE EMPIRE STATE BUILDING.
( crowd groans )
IT'S GREAT TO SEE
TOBY KEITH.
TOBY, I'M GLAD YOU
COULD TAKE TIME OUT
FROM SPITTING ON
MEXICANS TO BE HERE.
TOBY, YOU PUT
THE BIG IN BIGOT.
I LOVED YOUR LAST SONG,
"GET OUT OF MY COUNTRY,
YOU CAMEL JOCKEY WETBACK
FAGGY -- JEW."
AND MARSHA BRADY IS HERE.
MAUREEN McCORMICK, HUH?
HOW ABOUT THAT?
HOLY SHIT,
MARSHA BRADY.
YOU WROTE IN YOUR BOOK YOU
USED TO TRADE SEX FOR DRUGS.
HOLY SHIT!
AS A KID I USED TO FANTASIZE
ABOUT HAVING SEX WITH YOU.
WHO KNEW ALL I NEEDED WAS
AN 8-BALL AND A BUS
STATION BATHROOM?
( crowd groans )
AND SPEAKING
OF BATHROOM STALLS,
WHERE'S THAT REDNECK
FRUIT JEFF FOXWORTHY?
THERE HE IS.
JEFF, YOU LOOK LIKE
MAGNUM P.I. WITH AIDS.
MY BUDDY
NICK DiPAOLO IS HERE.
NICK, LOOK AT YOU,
YOU BIG HUNCHED-OVER GUINEA.
YOU'RE LIKE FONZIE
SPINA BIFIDA.
AND RENO COLLIER,
I DON'T KNOW WHO
OR WHAT THAT IS.
I-- I DON'T KNOW.
I GUESS HE'S PART OF THAT NEXT
WAVE OF LOW-BROW DIPSHITS
THAT'LL MAKE ME
WANT TO KILL MYSELF.
OR MAYBE HE'S JUST HERE
SO LISA LAMPANELLI
WOULDN'T BE THE ONLY
FAT LESBIAN HACK ONSTAGE.
AND NOW ON TO
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
THIS IS EXCITING,
I GOT TO TELL YOU.
I'VE NEVER ROASTED
A FAKE CHARACTER BEFORE.
MAYBE NEXT YEAR WE COULD ROAST
SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS.
LARRY...
LARRY'S WHOLE ACT
IS A SHAM,
LIKE THE BIBLE
OR THE HOLOCAUST.
( crowd groans )
SOME PEOPLE SAY
LARRY'S ONLY SUCCESSFUL
'CAUSE HE'S PANDERING TO
THE LOWEST COMMON DENOMINATOR
AND BLATANTLY
AND NON-IRONICALLY
EXPLOITING
PEOPLE'S RACIST
AND HOMOPHOBIC TENDENCIES.
DON'T LISTEN TO
THESE PEOPLE, LARRY.
THEY'RE JUST BITTER
AND JEALOUS AND RIGHT.
YOU INBRED HILLBILLY.
YOU'VE BEEN INSIDE MORE
FARM ANIMALS THAN PURINA.
YOU'RE LIKE
THE TROJAN ARMY.
YOU'RE BIG, PATRIOTIC
AND YOU BOTH CAME INSIDE
A GIANT HORSE.
YOU GRAVY-SWEATING
COUSIN --.
LARRY -- HIS FIRST COUSIN
WHEN HE WAS 16
AND HIS LAST ONE
ABOUT AN HOUR AGO.
YOU LOST 50 LBS
ON NUTRISYSTEM
AND ANOTHER 10
WHEN YOU SHAVED YOUR BACK.
HOW THE -- ARE YOU
SO POPULAR?
JESUS -- CHRIST.
THIS ONE FINALLY BROKE MY BACK.
YOUR FANS CAN'T EVEN
AFFORD CABLE.
THEY'RE NOT COMING 'CAUSE
THEY THINK YOU'RE FUNNY.
THEY'VE NEVER SEEN
A CABLE GUY.
YOU COULD HAVE COME UP
WITH OTHER CHARACTERS YOUR
FANS HAVE NEVER SEEN
LIKE LARRY THE DENTIST
OR LARRY THE LIBRARIAN
OR LARRY
THE HIGH SCHOOL DIPLOMA.
THANKS FOR LETTING
ME ROAST YOU, LARRY.
YOU MAKE MORE MONEY IN A WEEK
THAN I'LL MAKE IN MY LIFE,
AND THAT FEELS GOOD,
I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU.
YOU SAY YOU'VE NEVER DONE DRUGS,
BUT WATCHING YOUR SUCCESS HAS
PUT ME IN REHAB TWICE.
SO THANKS FOR RIPPING MY SOUL
OUT, YOU HILLBILLY --.
( cheering )
Announcer:
COMING UP, TOBY KEITH...
- GIT-R-DONE.
- ...WARREN SAPP...
I THINK I'M OVERDRESSED.
- ...JEFFREY ROSS...
- LARRY, TAKE IT LIKE A MAN.
- ...JEFF FOXWORTHY...
- THIS IS THE FILTHIEST SHOW
I'VE EVER BEEN A PART OF.
- ...AND GARY BUSEY.
- I DON'T KNOW WHAT
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
I CAN'T REMEMBER WHAT I SAID
10 SECONDS AGO.
TONIGHT'S NEXT PRESENTER
IS PROUD AMERICAN
TOBY KEITH.
- ( cheering )
- YES.
TOBY KEITH ACTUALLY
SCREENED HIS FILM
"BEER FOR MY HORSES"
FOR THE SOLDIERS IN IRAQ.
THANKS TO BARACK OBAMA
REDEFINING TORTURE,
THAT WON'T HAPPEN
EVER AGAIN.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
TOBY KEITH.
( country music playing )
YOU ASKED FOR IT.
THAT'S A PRETTY DRESS
YOU HAVE ON, LIS.
PINK CAMOUFLAGE,
THAT'S TRULY NICE.
YOU LOOK LIKE
APOCALYPSE COW.
YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN TO IRAQ,
I'VE BEEN TO AFGHANISTAN,
ABOUT 118 SHOWS,
BUT LISA STILL HAS THE BIGGEST
CAMEL TOE I'VE EVER SEEN.
LET'S TALK ABOUT THESE OTHER
CITY CLICKERS ONSTAGE.
GREG GIRALDO?
WHO THE -- IS THAT?
YOU WERE REALLY
FUNNY TONIGHT, GREG.
BETWEEN ROASTS,
GREG HAS TO SELL HIS BLOOD,
SPERM AND FURNITURE
TO MAKE RENT.
LUCKILY ALL
HIS FURNITURE
IS COVERED
IN BLOOD AND SPERM.
AND JEFF ROSS
AND I, MAN,
WE BOTH PERFORMED
FOR THE TROOPS.
DIFFERENCE IS JEFF CHARGED
FOR HIS SHOWS.
AND JEFF,
YOU AMAZED ME ON "DANCING
WITH THE STARS," DUDE.
LAST TIME I SAW MOVES
THAT HOT,
LISA GOT HER --
CAUGHT IN HER ZIPPER.
AND WARREN SAPP'S HERE.
LOOK AT YOU, WARREN,
GETTING READY TO DO YOUR FIRST
COMEDY STANDUP DEBUT, MAN.
YOU LOOK LIKE BERNIE MAC
AND CHEESE.
AND MAUREEN McCORMICK'S HERE.
MARSHA BRADY.
MARSH MARSHA MARSHA.
MAN...
SHE USED TO GET SO HIGH
ON COKE SHE'D HEAR VOICES
IN HER HEAD.
TOO BAD NONE OF THEM
WAS AN ACTING COACH.
HER COUNTRY MUSIC CAREER
WAS SUCH A TRAGIC EVENT,
I COULD HAVE WRITTEN
THREE ALBUMS ABOUT IT.
HER MUSIC WAS SO BAD
I FORGAVE THE DIXIE CHICKS.
AND IT'S REALLY AN HONOR
FOR ME TO BE HERE TONIGHT
WITH GARY BUSEY, MAN.
GARY BUSEY IS HERE.
HE'S A GOOD OLD TEXAS BOY.
OKLAHOMA BOY.
YOU KNOW, GARY NEVER GOT
HIS STAR ON HOLLYWOOD BOULEVARD,
BUT, DUDE, YOU DID LEAVE A NOSE
ON PACIFIC COAST HIGHWAY.
THE ONLY GUY WHO MADE
WORSE TRAVEL DECISIONS
THAN YOU, PAL,
WAS BUDDY HOLLY.
( crowd groans )
IS IT TOO EARLY
FOR THAT SHIT?
AND JEFF FOXWORTHY
IS SO POPULAR
HE HAS FANS THAT FOLLOW HIM
FROM SHOW TO SHOW,
WHICH IS PRETTY EASY TO DO
WHEN THEY LIVE IN THEIR CAR.
SAY WHAT Y'ALL WANT
TO ABOUT JEFF,
BUT HE'S THE ONLY CLEAN
COMIC ON THE STAGE.
BY THAT I MEAN HE CAN
PASS A DRUG TEST.
HIS URINE
IS CRYSTAL CLEAR.
AND ACCORDING TO LARRY,
A LITTLE BIT SALTY.
OH COME ON, LARRY'S BEEN
BLOWING JEFF SO LONG
THEY COULD BE
COUSINS, MAN.
AND YOU DON'T SEE A LOT
OF PEOPLE AROUND LOS ANGELES
DRESS LIKE LARRY,
YOU KNOW?
UNLESS IT'S LESBO BOWLING
NIGHT AT HOLLYWOOD LANES.
IN "DELTA FARCE"
LARRY MADE MOVIE HISTORY.
HE WAS THE FIRST GUY
EVER TO PLAY A RETARD
AND NOT WIN AN OSCAR.
( all laughing )
AND IT'S A GREAT GREAT THING
THAT LARRY'S ON NUTRISYSTEM
BECAUSE IF HIS FAT, PASTY ASS
GOT ANY FATTER,
WARREN SAPP WOULD BE
TRYING TO -- IT.
( crowd groans )
TRUTH IS, LARRY,
YOU PUT A LOT OF SMILES ON
A LOT OF PEOPLE'S FACES.
TIMES BEING
WHAT THEY ARE,
I'D SAY THAT MAKES YOU
A PRETTY GREAT MAN.
YOU MAY NOT BE SMART,
YOU MAY NOT BE FUNNY,
BUT SOMEHOW
YOU'RE A SUCCESS.
LARRY SYMBOLIZES ALL THAT
AMERICA HAS TO OFFER.
AND AS I SPEAK,
THERE ARE THOUSANDS OF
TROOPS IN IRAQ AND AFGHANISTAN
SERVING TO PROTECT
THAT DREAM--
THAT AND TO GET AS
FAR AS POSSIBLE
AWAY FROM LARRY
THE CABLE GUY.
GOOD NIGHT.
( music playing )
OUR NEXT ROASTER IS
THE ONLY PERSON ON THE DAIS
WHO HAS TACKLED MORE
BLACK MEN THAN ME--
WARREN SAPP!
( rock music playing )
LET'S HEAR IT FOR
LISA LAMPANELLI, OR AS WE--
( cheering )
--OR AS WE LIKE TO CALL HER
AROUND OUR WAY,
"OH, THAT BITCH."
LISA'S VAGINA IS KNOWN
AS THE LIMO,
'CAUSE IT FITS EIGHT,
IT HAS LEATHER INTERIOR,
AND I CAME IN IT TONIGHT.
( all cheering )
I HAVE TO SAY, THIS IS
A TRULY SPECIAL NIGHT FOR ME.
THIS IS THE FIRST TIME I'VE
EVER SEEN TOBY AND LARRY
WITHOUT THEIR HOODS ON.
THE ONLY BLACK THING YOU'LL
SEE AT A TOBY KEITH CONCERT
IS A WOMAN'S EYE.
( laughing )
WHAT ARE YOU LAUGHING AT,
NICK DiPAOLO?
YOU'RE SO RACIST,
EVERY TIME BARACK OBAMA
GETS UP ON THE STAGE,
YOU TRY AND BID ON HIM.
( laughing, hooting )
GREG, YOU'RE THE REAL
CABLE GUY,
BECAUSE NONE OF US HAVE EVER
SEEN HIM ON A NETWORK.
AND GARY BUSEY?
MOVE YOUR CRAZY WHITE ASS
AWAY FROM ME.
I'D HATE TO TANGLE WITH A GUY
WITH MULTIPLE PERSONALITIES.
IT'S LIKE GETTING JUMPED ON
BY SIX DUDES
AND THREE OF THEM
MOTHER-- IS MEXICANS.
MAUREEN, "THE BRADY BUNCH"
HAD SIX KIDS
FROM DIFFERENT FAMILIES ALL
LIVING UNDER ONE ROOF.
HOW IN THE HELL AIN'T THERE
A BLACK PERSON ON THERE?
JEFF FOXWORTHY IS HERE.
HEY, JEFF, I GOT
A NEW ONE FOR YOU:
IF YOUR FAMILY TREE
HAS A ROPE
HANGING FROM IT,
YOU MIGHT BE
A REDNECK.
( hooting, laughing )
I GOT A COUPLE
NEW ONES FOR YOU TOO:
IF YOU THINK HALLE BERRY
IS SOMETHING YOU GET AT
JAMBA JUICE,
YOU MIGHT BE
A CRACKER.
IF YOU THINK
AFRO SHEEN
IS THE STEPBROTHER
OF CHARLIE SHEEN DADDY
DON'T TALK ABOUT,
YOU MIGHT BE
A CRACKER.
AND IF YOU THINK
THE SOUL TRAIN IS A LINE
OF BROTHERS
BEHIND LISA LAMPANELLI,
WELL, OKAY,
THAT WOULD BE A SOUL TRAIN.
AND NOW ON TO
THE GUEST OF HONOR--
LARRY THE CABLE GUY.
EVERY TIME
YOU'RE ON TV,
I TRY TO FIND OUT
WHAT ELSE IS ON.
THEY SHOULD HAVE CALLED YOU
"LARRY THE CABLE GUIDE."
AND LARRY, LOOK AT
YOUR RAGGEDY-ASS CLOTHES.
HOW THE HELL DO
YOU EXPECT TO GET
SOME -- LOOKING LIKE THAT?
EVEN YOUR SISTER GAVE YOU
A FAKE PHONE NUMBER.
LARRY, I'VE DEALT OUT
A LOT OF HARD HITS ON
THE FOOTBALL FIELD,
AND I GOT TO GIVE IT UP
TO YOU FOR WHAT YOU'RE
TAKING HERE TONIGHT.
THANK YOU FOR MAKING ME FEEL
LIKE AN HONORARY REDNECK.
AS A BLACK MAN,
I KNOW WHAT IT'S LIKE TO
BE LARRY THE CABLE GUY
BECAUSE TONIGHT
I SOLD OUT.
SORRY, BLACK FOLKS.
GOOD NIGHT.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
UP NEXT, JEFFREY ROSS.
MAUREEN McCORMICK
AND GARY BUSEY--
WHAT? WHAT? WHAT?
START OVER
AND TALK IN ENGLISH.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF
LARRY THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
ALLY SORRY
THAT I CAN'T BE THERE TONIGHT,
BUT IT'S PROBABLY JUST AS WELL
BECAUSE TO BE HONEST,
I JUST DON'T GET IT.
WE'RE ROASTING A GUY WHOSE
SUCCESS HINGES ON TWO PHRASES:
"NOW THAT'S FUNNY RIGHT THERE"
AND "GIT-R-DONE."
I MEAN, THE ONLY THING
THIS GUY'S REPEATED MORE
THAN "GIT-R-DONE"
IS THE EIGHTH GRADE.
I MEAN, HIS WHOLE CAREER
IS BASED ON A LIE, PEOPLE.
HIS NAME ISN'T LARRY,
HE'S NOT A CABLE GUY,
AND FOR GOD'S SAKES,
HE ISN'T AN ACTOR.
IN ALL THREE OF
HIS "BLOCKBUSTER" MOVIES,
THEY TRIED TO MAKE HIM
THE LOVE INTEREST.
I MEAN, COME ON.
CASTING LARRY THE CABLE GUY
AS A LOVE INTEREST
IS LIKE CASTING
LISA LAMPANELLI AS...
A LOVE INTEREST.
UGH!
ALL KIDDING ASIDE, DAN,
I REALLY DO WISH YOU
THE BEST.
I'M VERY PROUD OF
WHAT YOU'VE ACCOMPLISHED--
YOU'RE A VERY FUNNY COMEDIAN;
YOU'RE A WONDERFUL FATHER
AND A DEVOTED HUSBAND;
AND I AM PROUD TO SAY
THAT YOU ARE MY FRIEND.
NOW SEE?
THAT'S ACTING!
( cheering )
WOW.
YOU KNOW YOU'RE IMPORTANT
IN THIS INDUSTRY
WHEN BILL ENGVALL
TAKES THE TIME TO SEND A TAPE.
( all laughing )
OUR NEXT ACT
IS ANNOYING
JEW BASTARD JEFF ROSS.
( hooting )
LAST YEAR, DURING
"DANCING WITH THE STARS,"
JEFF HAD TO
WEAR AN EYEPATCH.
APPARENTLY TAKING
A MONEY SHOT
FROM LANCE BASS
CAN BLIND YOU.
BIG HAND FOR THE SANJAYA
OF THE COMEDY WORLD,
JEFF ROSS!
( rock music playing )
ALL RIGHT.
THANK YOU, LISA.
TOO BAD CHRIS BROWN
ISN'T YOUR BOYFRIEND--
HE WOULD HAVE PUNCHED
HIMSELF IN THE FACE.
YEAH!
THIS IS SO FUN.
GARY BUSEY-- WOW.
HOW YOU DOING, MAN?
I LOVE YOU, GARY.
YOU'RE LIKE MICKEY ROURKE
WITHOUT THE COMEBACK.
YEAH.
I'M CONFUSED: ARE WE
ROASTING LARRY THE CABLE GUY
OR GARY THE UNSTABLE GUY?
OH, THIS IS
A LOT OF FUN.
AS YOU KNOW, FOLKS,
I ONLY ROAST
THE ONES I LOVE,
BUT THE ECONOMY'S IN
THE CRAPPER, SO...
( hooting )
YEAH!
GET-R-ROASTED!
THANK YOU, BUDDY.
ALL RIGHT.
THIS IS RIDICULOUS--
NOT EVEN A REAL PERSON.
HOW COME NOBODY TALKS ABOUT
YOUR OTHER PERSONAS
YOU TRIED OUT THAT
DIDN'T WORK OUT SO WELL?
YOU KNOW, LIKE
"DAN THE COMEDIAN"?
( crowd groans )
OF COURSE, I FIRST
DISCOVERED LARRY THE CABLE GUY
WHEN HE WAS PART OF
THE BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR.
YOU GUYS REMEMBER THAT?
YEAH.
WHY'D YOU GUYS BREAK UP?
UNCREATIVE DIFFERENCES?
( laughing )
THIS IS LIKE SHOOTING FISH
IN A CRACKER BARREL.
YEAH.
LARRY'S LAST SHOW HAD
AN EIGHT-DRINK MINIMUM
AND A TWO-TEETH MAXIMUM.
MY REAL CABLE GUY DONALD
IS FUNNIER THAN YOU.
AND YOU KNOW, "GIT-R-DONE"
WASN'T EVEN LARRY'S FIRST CHOICE
FOR A CATCH PHRASE,
BUT SOME OTHER LUCKY INBRED
ALREADY USED
"MISSION ACCOMPLISHED."
YEAH.
OH, JEFF FOXWORTHY,
GREAT TO SEE YOU.
LOOK AT THAT MUSTACHE--
YOU LOOK LIKE A CONFEDERATE
PORN STAR.
WHO ARE YOU,
STONEWALL JACKOFF?
( Ross laughs )
OH, THE LEGENDARY
TOBY KEITH.
I LOVE THIS GUY.
GIVE THIS GUY A ROUND
OF APPLAUSE.
( applause )
LOOK AT HIM:
"BRING IT ON, BABY."
JUST SITTING THERE WAITING FOR
A TERRORIST ATTACK
SO HE CAN WRITE
ANOTHER SONG ABOUT IT.
( crowd groans )
BUT YOU AND I, TOBY,
WE HAVE A LOT IN COMMON:
WE BOTH SUPPORT
THE SECOND AMENDMENT,
MOSTLY 'CAUSE YOUR MUSIC
MAKES ME WANT TO SHOOT MYSELF.
AND FOLKS, IN CASE YOU
HAVEN'T READ LARRY'S BOOK,
IT'S ALSO CALLED
"GIT-R-DONE."
'CAUSE AFTER THREE PAGES,
YOU WANT TO "PUT-R-DOWN."
IT'S AN EASY READ--
MOSTLY JUST PICTURES
OF SANDWICHES
HE -- ON THE ROAD.
OH, COME ON, WE ALL KNOW
LARRY'S A FREAK.
IN FACT, HE'S --
SO MANY FARM ANIMALS,
DOWN SOUTH THEY CALL HIM
"LARRY THE STABLE GUY."
LARRY, REMEMBER:
NEIGH MEANS NEIGH.
WRITE THAT DOWN, BUDDY.
LISA LAMPANELLI,
GREAT JOB TONIGHT.
YOU ARE REALLY PUTTING
THE -- IN COUNTRY.
NOT ONLY THAT, BUT YOU COULD
PUT A COUNTRY IN YOUR --.
FOLKS, LISA LAMPANELLI'S
VAGINA IS SO BIG,
IT DOESN'T GET WET;
IT GETS IRRIGATED.
DID I SAY "IRRIGATED"?
I MEANT SEGREGATED.
IN FACT, WARREN SAPP'S
ENTIRE ENTOURAGE
IS CHILLING IN
THAT BITCH RIGHT NOW.
OH, I LOVE
WARREN SAPP.
HE USED TO BE THE MOST
FEARED MAN IN FOOTBALL;
NOW HE'S THE MOST FEARED MAN
AT HOMETOWN BUFFET.
OOH.
IN CASE YOU DON'T KNOW IT,
LARRY COMES FROM
A SHOW-BUSINESS FAMILY.
IN FACT, HIS DAD
WAS THE BANJO PLAYER
FROM "DELIVERANCE."
BUT WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW WAS
THAT HIS MOM PLAYED
THE GUY WHO --
NED BEATTY.
"HE SURE GOT
A PRETTY MOUTH, DON'T HE?"
IN CLOSING,
I'D JUST LIKE TO SAY
TO ALL OF YOU...
ASK NOT WHAT YOUR COUNTRY
CAN GIT-R-DONE FOR YOU,
ASK HOW THIS...
HILLBILLY MORON
MADE $30 MILLION LAST YEAR.
CONGRATULATIONS,
MY FLANNEL-WEARING FRIEND.
I LOVE YOU!
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
STILL TO COME, GARY BUSEY--
I'M GIVING YOU MY TRUTH
FROM MY HEART
BECAUSE OF HOW
YOU'VE INSPIRED ME...
--AND LARRY
THE CABLE GUY.
OUR NEXT ROASTER
IS ACTOR GARY BUSEY.
- ( cheering )
- YES.
GARY HAS APPEARED IN
THE BUDDY HOLLY MOVIE
AND IN A BUNCH OF OTHER SHIT
NO ONE HAS EVER SEEN.
BIG HAND FOR A MAN
SO DANGEROUS,
H.I.V. CROSSES THE STREET
WHEN IT SEES HIM COMING,
GARY BUSEY!
( rock music playing )
♪ I LOOK JUST
LIKE BUDDY HOLLY ♪
♪ OH OH, AND YOU'RE
MARY TYLER MOORE ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT THEY
SAY ABOUT US ANYWAY ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THAT ♪
♪ I DON'T CARE
ABOUT THAT... ♪
( music stops )
FIRST OF ALL,
I'D LIKE TO SAY THIS
IS TRULY AN HONOR
TO SHARE THIS STAGE
WITH A FELLOW ACTOR
WHOSE LIFETIME HAS BEEN
DEDICATED TO THE CRAFT,
AND HAS SERVED AS
AN INSPIRATION
TO ME AND ALL THESPIANS
ALL OVER THE WORLD--
DOWN THERE AT THE END,
SIR JAMES EARL JONES.
AND I HAVE TO ADD,
I REALLY LIKED YOU
IN "NORBIT."
( hooting, laughing )
HOLD IT!
HOLD IT, HOLD IT.
I'M SERIOUS HERE.
JEFF FOXWORTHY, I'VE BEEN
TO DOZENS OF YOUR LECTURES.
AND DESPITE THE HANDFUL
OF RUDE, ELDERLY PEOPLE
WHO LAUGHED AT
YOUR PRESENTATION,
I RECEIVED COMPELLING
INFORMATION
ABOUT HOW I MIGHT
BE A REDNECK.
I WANTED TO DO SOME
RESEARCH ON LARRY
SO I WENT TO
A VIDEO STORE
AND THEY TOLD ME TO FIND
HIS MOVIES
IN THE ROOM
BEHIND THE PORN.
HE WAS IN ONE MOVIE
CALLED "WITLESS PROTECTION,"
WHICH IS DIFFERENT
FROM WITNESS PROTECTION
WHERE THERE'S A CHANCE
SOMEBODY MIGHT SEE YOU.
AND THE ONLY WAY THAT DVD
IS GONNA FLY OFF THE SHELVES
IS IF A TORNADO
HITS A WALMART.
THAT'S IT.
AND I CAN'T BELIEVE
YOU HAVE THE NERVE--
YOU HAVE THE NERVE TO CHARGE
50 BUCKS FOR A TICKET
TO YOUR SHOW!
THIS-- GOD!
I KNOW WHAT IT--
I GUESS SPACE ALIENS
AIN'T THE ONLY ONES --
YOUR FANS UP THE ASS.
SHAME ON YOU!
HEY! HEY.
HEY, LOOK.
HOW DID THEY GET
GARY BUSEY HERE TONIGHT?
- HUH?
- ( laughing, hooting )
I WONDER, DID SOMEONE
TURN ON THE BATSHIT SIGNAL?
HEY HEY, GARY?
GIVE ME THE NUMBER
OF YOUR DENTIST;
I NEED TO TILE
MY HOT TUB.
WHAT? WHAT WHAT?
HE'S GOT
UNBELIEVABLE TEETH.
BUT, GARY,
I GOT TO TELL YOU,
YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO BE RESCUED
BY THE JAWS OF LIFE,
NOT WEAR 'EM.
IT'S NOT FUNNY.
HEY!
( whistling )
HO! WHAT'S SO FUNNY?
WHAT'S SO FUNNY
WITH YOU PEOPLE?
DO YOU EVEN KNOW
WHO I AM?
( cheering )
SERIOUSLY, TELL ME,
BECAUSE I DON'T.
IT'S BAD MOJO
AT THESE ROASTS
IF YOU DON'T MAKE FUN OF
LISA "LUMPAGELLI"'S
HAUNTED VAGINA.
I'M TOLD THAT SHE'S HAD
SO MANY BLACK MEN
GOING OFF
UP INSIDE HER,
THAT IF YOU HOLD HER --
UP TO YOUR EAR,
YOU'RE GONNA HEAR
"SWEET GEORGIA BROWN."
( "Sweet Georgia Brown"
playing )
THERE IT IS AGAIN.
IS ANYONE ELSE
HEARING THAT?
- ( music ends )
- LISA,
COULD YOU PLEASE SET
YOUR -- TO VIBRATE?
IT'LL BE A LOT
SAFER IN HERE.
HA HA!
HEY, LARRY.
FROM MY HEART,
HONESTLY,
YOU'RE A GREAT MAN AND
YOU HAVE DEVOTED YOUR LIFE
TO BRINGING LAUGHTER
TO THE MASSES, INCLUDING ME.
YET TO THE EDUCATED,
YOU ARE THE PREEMINENT
POSTMODERN HUMORIST.
YOUR ACT HAS
HINTS OF...
HAROLD PINTER,
SAMUEL BECKETT,
THEATER OF THE ABSURD--
SHIFTING BETWEEN THE SURREAL
TO THE SLAPSTICK.
IT STANDS AT THE VANGUARD
OF THE DEEP-FRIED DADA MOVEMENT.
THAT'S WHERE YOU LIVE--
THAT'S YOUR ADDRESS.
( silent )
AHH, BUT THEN AGAIN,
I'M GARY BUSEY...
( cheering )
...SO WHO KNOWS WHAT THE --
I'M TALKING ABOUT.
GOOD NIGHT, CITIZENS
OF THE NINTH DIVISION!
( rock music playing )
THE NEXT ROASTER COMING
TO THE PODIUM
IS LARRY THE CABLE GUY'S
OPENING ACT, RENO COLLIER.
- ( hooting )
- YES.
THAT CAN MEAN ONLY
ONE THING:
IF YOU HAVE TO TAKE A PISS
OR DO SOME BLOW,
GO NOW.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
RENO COLLIER!
( rock music playing )
THANK YOU!
THANK YOU VERY MUCH.
I HAVE A HUGE
GAY FOLLOWING
AND I LOVE HAVING
SEX WITH BLACK GUYS.
THESE AREN'T MY NOTES.
OH, NO-- NO, I KNOW
WHOSE THEY ARE-- I GOT IT.
YOU'RE FIRED.
FOR THOSE OF YOU WHO DON'T
KNOW WHO I AM,
I PLAYED NATALIE
ON "THE FACTS OF LIFE."
- ( cheering )
- THANK YOU.
NO, LARRY AND I HAVE SPENT
THE LAST FEW YEARS
TOURING TOGETHER OUT
ON THE ROAD,
AND NOW WE SPEND OUR DAYS
TRAINING WITH A TRAINER.
HA!
WHAT A JOKE.
DUDE, LOOK AT US.
AND WE'RE
ALWAYS DIETING.
FIRST YOU DIDN'T
WANT TO DO ATKINS,
SO YOU MADE UP YOUR OWN
DIET CALLED THE "AIKEN'S DIET."
THAT'S WHERE HE SAID
HE COULD EAT AS MUCH STUFF
AS HE WANTED--
CAKE, PIE, RIBS--
THEN LOOK AT A PICTURE
OF CLAY AIKEN HOLDING HIS BABY
AND HE'D THROW ALL
THAT SHIT BACK UP.
LISA LAMPANELLI LOST
100 LBS,
BUT THAT'S BECAUSE SHE WAS
POACHED FOR IVORY.
( crowd groans )
( laughing )
MANY-- MANY PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW THAT LARRY PLAYED
A LITTLE BASEBALL IN COLLEGE
AND APPARENTLY AT SOME
POINT WAS CLOCKED
THROWING A PITCH
90-mph.
THAT'S WHAT
THE PROS THROW.
THE ONLY THING YOU
HAVE IN COMMON WITH
PROFESSIONAL BASEBALL
IS LIP CANCER AND
A SHITLOAD OF BAD PRESS.
NO, HE REALLY DOES
USE TOBACCO.
THAT'S NOT FUNNY.
IT'S NOT HIS FAULT;
IT RUNS IN HIS FAMILY.
HIS PARENTS ACTUALLY DIDN'T
HAVE HIM CIRCUMCISED
SO HE'D HAVE SOMEWHERE
TO KEEP HIS CHEW WHILE HE
ATE HIS LUNCH.
TRUE STORY.
BEFORE I GO,
LARRY, I ASKED YOUR WIFE
IF THERE WAS ANYTHING THAT
SHE'D LIKE TO ADD TO THIS ROAST.
AND SHE SAID YES.
SHE WANTED ME TO SHARE
WITH EVERYBODY THIS:
"IF-- IF YOU MARRY
SOMEBODY FOR MONEY,
YOU ARE GOING TO
PAY FOR IT EVERY DAY FOR
THE REST OF YOUR LIFE."
AND THEN SHE WANTED ME
TO SHOW EVERYBODY THESE.
I WANT TO TELL YOU, DUDE,
THE LAST THREE YEARS
TOURING WITH YOU
HAVE BEEN AWESOME, MAN.
AND I'VE LEARNED SO MUCH
FROM WATCHING YOU.
AND I GOTTA TELL YOU,
IF YOU HAVEN'T HAD A CHANCE
TO BE THIS GUY'S FRIEND,
YOU'RE REALLY MISSING OUT, MAN.
I LOVE YOU, BUDDY.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
COMING UP,
JEFF FOXWORTHY--
PERSONAL FRIEND OF MINE.
MOM, LOOK WHO IT IS!
MAUREEN McCORMICK,
NICK DiPAOLO,
AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY
GETS THE LAST WORD--
GARY BUSEY-- I'M SO MAD AT HIM
THAT HE DID WELL,
'CAUSE I HAD ALL THESE --
LINES WRITTEN FOR AFTER
HE SUCKED AND HE DIDN'T.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
OUR NEXT PRESENTER
IS "BRADY BUNCH" FANTASY GIRL
MAUREEN McCORMICK.
YES.
( cheering )
LARRY ASKED TO HAVE
MAUREEN HERE TONIGHT
BECAUSE HE WANTED SOMEONE
HE USED TO MASTURBATE TO
IN HIGH SCHOOL
AND MR. ED WASN'T AVAILABLE.
A GIRL WHO'S PUT AWAY
MORE DRUGS
THAN A WALGREEN'S
STOCK BOY,
MAUREEN McCORMICK!
♪ I THINK I'LL GO FOR
A WALK OUTSIDE NOW ♪
♪ THE SUMMER SUN'S
CALLING MY NAME ♪
♪ I HEAR YOU NOW,
I JUST CAN'T STAY
INSIDE ALL DAY... ♪
LARRY, THIS IS A BIG NIGHT
FOR ME TOO
BECAUSE AFTER YEARS
OF DRUG ABUSE,
SEX ADDICTION
AND REHAB,
WITH THIS ROAST, I WILL
FINALLY FINISH
MY COMMUNITY SERVICE.
( cheering )
BECAUSE OF MY EXPERIENCE
IN RECOVERY,
I'M UNIQUELY QUALIFIED TO
HELP HOLLYWOOD'S CELEBRITIES,
OR THESE PEOPLE.
AS YOU KNOW, #9 OF
THE 12 STEPS
IS MAKING AMENDS.
SO I'D LIKE TO SAY SOMETHING
THAT I SHOULD HAVE SAID
20 YEARS AGO:
GARY BUSEY,
I'M SORRY I CUT YOU OFF
IN TRAFFIC THAT DAY.
WOW!
WHEW!
I FEEL BETTER.
IF THERE IS ONE THING
I'VE GAINED IN RECOVERY,
IT'S THE WISDOM TO KNOW
THAT THERE ARE THINGS
THAT YOU CAN CHANGE
AND THINGS YOU CAN'T.
TOBY KEITH,
WHEN YOU WAKE UP TOMORROW,
THERE'S STILL GOING TO BE
LIBERALS IN THE WORLD,
MEXICANS AND BLACKS
AND MUSLIMS
AND JEWS
AND HIGH-SCHOOL GRADUATES...
AND EVERYONE ELSE
WHO HATES YOUR MUSIC.
THERE ARE BRIGHT SPOTS
FOR YOU, TOBY.
AS LONG AS THERE'S
A FLAG WAVING,
A HONKY-TONK LEFT
STANDING,
OR A PREGNANT WOMAN IN
STRETCH PANTS ON HER SECOND
PACK OF MARLBOROS
BEATING HER KIDS
IN A WALMART,
YOU, TOBY KEITH,
ARE LOVED!
YOU KNOW,
THE BUDDHA SAYS,
"LIFE IS STRUGGLE."
WE ALL HAVE TO
OVERCOME OBSTACLES,
LIKE WARREN SAPP'S
COURAGEOUS BATTLE WITH LITERACY.
LOOK AT YOU, WARREN.
YOU HAVE COME
SO FAR WITHOUT
THE SLIGHTEST ABILITY
TO READ OR WRITE.
YOU DANCE
WITH STARS
EVEN THOUGH YOU LOOK
LIKE SHREK IF HE GREW UP
IN SOUTH CENTRAL.
LISA LAMPANELLI--
YOU ARE AN INSPIRATION
TO ANYONE
ON THE PATH TO SOBRIETY.
I'M SURE YOU'LL NEVER
DEVELOP A COKE PROBLEM
BECAUSE IT'S TOO HARD FOR YOU
TO LOOK INTO A MIRROR.
BUT IF I COULD OFFER
ONE TINY HELPFUL BIT
OF CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
EACH AND EVERY ONE OF THOSE
BLACK --
THRUST INTO YOUR VAGINA
OR YOUR CLAMMY FAT ROLLS,
IS REALLY A DAGGER STABBING
INTO YOUR FATHER'S HEART.
NO AMOUNT OF --
SHOT IN YOUR FACE
WOULD BE ENOUGH TO WASH
AWAY HIS TEARS.
MY GREATEST HONOR
IS TO SHARE
THIS STAGE WITH THE STAR OF
"THE JEFF FOXWORTHY SHOW."
JEFF, I RELATE TO YOU
SO PROFOUNDLY.
I TOO STARRED ON
A FAMILY SITCOM
WITH A FATHER WHO WAS
SECRETLY GAY.
WE ALL KNOW THAT YOUR
MUSTACHE IS AN OUTDATED
CRY FOR HELP
AND THAT YOUR TIGHT JEANS
ARE A BEACON
TO EVERY TRUCK-STOP QUEEN
LOOKING TO HAVE HIS
BALLS DRAINED
DURING
A CROSS-COUNTRY HAUL.
I REMEMBER ONE TRAUMATIC
TIME IN MY LIFE
WHEN MARSHA BRADY
GOT BRACES.
NOW, LARRY,
BRACES ARE THINGS THAT WE USE
TO STRAIGHTEN OUR TEETH WITH.
NO?
OKAY, YOU SEE, TEETH
ARE THOSE YELLOW THINGS
IN YOUR MOUTH THAT YOU'RE
SUPPOSED TO CLEAN.
CLEANING IS WHAT YOU DO
WHEN YOU'RE SUPPOSED TO
HAVE RESPECT FOR YOURSELF.
AND LARRY,
RESPECT IS WHAT
YOU TRADED FOR FAME
WHEN YOU MADE
YOUR DEAL WITH SATAN.
LARRY,
THE TRUTH IS,
YOU'RE A KIND SOUL,
A DEDICATED FATHER,
AND YOU WILL LEAVE
A LEGACY OF LAUGHTER.
AND SO...
I SAY TO
ALL OF YOU,
BE WILLING TO ACCEPT
WHO YOU ARE.
YOU ARE ALL BEAUTIFUL
CHILDREN IN THE EYES OF GOD,
EXCEPT GREG GIRALDO.
YOU'RE --.
( cheering )
THANK YOU
AND GOOD NIGHT.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
UP NEXT,
NICK DiPAOLO,
JEFF FOXWORTHY
AND LARRY
THE CABLE GUY--
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I HAD A BLAST DOING
THE REHEARSAL.
AS FAR AS THE SHOW GOES,
I THINK IT'S GONNA BLOW.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
OUR NEXT ROASTER
IS BLUE-COLLAR-COMEDY MAESTRO
JEFF FOXWORTHY.
( cheering )
JEFF FOXWORTHY
IS A LEGEND!
EVERY TIME I SEE
HIS MUSTACHE
IT REMINDS ME TO WAX MY LIP.
AND EVERY TIME I HEAR HIS JOKES
IT REMINDS ME TO
WIPE MY ASS.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
MR. JEFF FOXWORTHY!
( rock music playing )
FIRST OF ALL, I WANT
TO GIVE A BIG SHOUT-OUT
TO MY SUNDAY-SCHOOL CLASS.
I'M SURE THEY'RE ALL
WATCHING THIS TONIGHT.
HOLY COW.
I KNEW IT WAS GOING TO BE
A CLASSY EVENT
WHEN I HEARD LISA LAMPANELLI
WAS GOING TO BE HOSTING.
GOD, YOU COULD PLAY
LISA'S CD IN A TRUCK STOP
AND TRUCKERS WOULD BE GOING,
"HEY HEY HEY, THERE'S
MECHANICS IN HERE!"
PRETTY COOL TO MEET
GARY BUSEY TONIGHT.
I THINK GARY'S
KIND OF LIKE SEX--
YOU WANT TO DO IT,
YOU JUST DON'T WANT TO
BE ALONE WHEN YOU DO IT.
I HEARD THAT!
RENO COLLIER,
CONGRATULATIONS.
I THINK YOU'VE SOLIDIFIED
YOUR POSITION
AS AN OPENING ACT WITH
YOUR PERFORMANCE TONIGHT.
( crowd groans )
WHILE WE'RE AT IT,
I'D LIKE TO THANK BILL ENGVALL
FOR MAILING IT IN.
LARRY, THAT OUGHT TO
KEEP YOU HUMBLE.
ENGVALL, THE GUY THAT
WOULD SHOW UP
FOR THE GRAND OPENING
OF A LAUNDROMAT
HAD SOMETHING BETTER
TO DO TONIGHT.
GREG GIRALDO,
NICE JOB.
THREE HOURS FROM NOW,
LARRY'S GONNA BE ON HIS
LEARJET HEADED HOME
AND YOU'RE GONNA BE SITTING
IN THE DRIVE-THRU
AT CARL'S JR.
YELLING AT THE SPEAKER,
"ARE Y'ALL STILL OPEN?"
BRINGS ME TO
MY BUDDY LARRY.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE ALWAYS
ASK ME, "DID YOU SEE
LARRY'S LATEST MOVIE?"
I ALWAYS ANSWER, "NO,
BUT I FLUSHED A $10 BILL
DOWN THE TOILET
SO I FEEL LIKE
I'VE SEEN IT.'
I ACTUALLY HAD A CHANCE TO
BE IN "DELTA FARCE,"
BUT I COULDN'T DO IT BECAUSE
I READ THE SCRIPT.
UH...
I'VE FOUND THE BEST WAY TO
ENJOY LARRY'S MOVIES
IS NEVER PUT 'EM IN
THE DVD PLAYER.
NUTRISYSTEM GAVE LARRY
A MILLION BUCKS
TO LOSE 50 LBS,
WHICH ANALYSTS HAVE
TRACED BACK TO THE COLLAPSE
OF OUR ECONOMY.
PEOPLE ALWAYS ASK ME,
"WHAT'S THE MOST FUN THING
YOU'VE EVER DONE
IN YOUR CAREER?"
AND I ALWAYS ANSWER,
"THE BLUE COLLAR COMEDY TOUR."
- ( cheering )
- THANK YOU.
I REMEMBER ALL THOSE YEARS
RIDING THAT BUS,
YOU KNOW, TALKING WITH LARRY
DEEP INTO THE NIGHT.
AND HE WAS JUST ALWAYS
SO EAGER TO LEARN--
CONSTANTLY ASKING
QUESTIONS LIKE,
"IS SECOND BASE OVER
THE SHIRT OR UNDER THE SHIRT?"
AT WHICH POINT I WOULD GO
TO RON'S BUNK,
PULL OUT THE INFLATABLE DOLL
AND SHOW HIM ONE MORE TIME.
THE AMAZING THING
TO ME
IS HE'S
HAPPILY MARRIED.
SHE'S MISERABLE,
BUT HE'S HAPPY AS A CLAM.
I KNOW IT'S TOUGH
HAVING LITTLE KIDS
AND BEING OUT ON THE ROAD
ALL THE TIME.
IN FACT, I ASKED LARRY'S
WIFE CARA--
I SAID, "HOW DO YOU
AND LARRY DO IT?"
SHE SAID, "I JUST
CLOSE MY EYES
AND PRETEND
IT ISN'T HAPPENING."
SHE SAID CONCEIVING THOSE
TWO CHILDREN
WAS THE WORST
30 SECONDS OF HER LIFE.
AND YOU KNOW
THE COOLEST THING?
LARRY HAS BEEN ABLE
TO SHARE HIS ART
WITH THE WORLD WHILE
REMAINING TRUE TO HIS
INBRED, ILLITERATE ROOTS.
AND SUCCESS DID NOT
GO TO YOUR HEAD.
TO YOUR STOMACH,
ASS AND THIGHS, YEAH,
BUT NEVER TO
YOUR HEAD.
GREG GIRALDO, LET ME
ASK YOU A QUESTION.
YOU KNOW HOW MANY
FUNNEL CAKES YOU CAN BUY
WITH $50 MILLION?
HE DOES.
I THINK THE JOKE'S
ON ALL OF US--
THIS GUY IS ON THE "FORBES"
LIST FOR GIVING THE WORLD
ROUTINES LIKE "BISCUITS
AND GRAVY," "EATIN' BRITCHES"
AND "POOP LASAGNA."
AND I SALUTE YOU, SIR.
AND I WILL TELL YOU THIS:
I HAVE NEVER BEEN MORE HAPPY
FOR SOMEONE'S SUCCESS.
AND THE COOL THING
ABOUT THIS GUY--
HE IS SO KIND AND
HE IS SO GENEROUS
IN WAYS THAT PEOPLE
NEVER EVER SEE
AND I LOVE YOU, DUDE.
CONGRATULATIONS.
AND I HOPE YOU NEVER HAVE TO
GO THROUGH THIS AGAIN.
( rock music playing )
STILL TO COME,
NICK DiPAOLO
- AND LARRY THE CABLE GUY--
- I'LL BE GOOD
BUT I DON'T KNOW-- I CAN'T
GUARANTEE THE REST OF 'EM.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
OUR NEXT PERFORMER COMING
TO THE PODIUM
IS NICK DiPAOLO.
NICK'S IN HIS ELEMENT
HERE TODAY
BECAUSE HE'S USED TO WORKING
IN FRONT OF AN AUDIENCE
WHO'S THERE TO
SEE SOMEONE ELSE.
PLEASE WELCOME
GUINEA GREASEBALL COMEDIAN
NICK DiPAOLO!
( rock music playing )
LISA LAMPANELLI, EVERYBODY.
HUH? COME ON.
SHE'S SLEPT WITH SO MANY
BLACK GUYS,
50 MURDERS ARE SOLVED
EVERY TIME SHE HAS A PAP SMEAR.
THAT'S RIGHT.
I WROTE THAT SHIT
MYSELF.
HER -- PHONE HAS SO MANY
BLACK GUYS ON SPEED DIAL,
SHE CALLS IT HER
"SICKLE CELL."
DON'T GET TOUCHY NOW,
YOU --.
SERIOUSLY.
JEFF ROSS, HUH?
HOW ABOUT JEFF ROSS?
YEAH.
SOMEBODY BACKSTAGE SAID,
"WHAT'S A ROAST WITHOUT
JEFF ROSS?"
I DON'T KNOW.
HOW ABOUT FUNNY?
-- TOBY KEITH.
IS TOBY KEITH YOUR REAL NAME
OR THE FIRST TWO GUYS
YOU BLEW?
JEFF FOXWORTHY, THAT MUSTACHE
MAKES YOU LOOK LIKE A PEDOPHILE.
THEY SHOULD CHANGE THE NAME
OF YOUR SHOW TO, "ARE YOU
-- THAN A FIFTH GRADER?"
( crowd groans )
YEAH.
JEFF'S A BORN-AGAIN CHRISTIAN
WHICH IS NO SURPRISE--
PEOPLE ALWAYS FIND
JESUS AFTER THEY'VE DONE
SOMETHING UNFORGIVEABLE,
LIKE
"THE JEFF FOXWORTHY SHOW."
MAUREEN McCORMICK--
I'LL TELL YOU,
DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY TIMES
I MASTURBATED TO YOU AS A KID
WHEN THE CREDITS WERE ROLLING
AT THE END OF "THE BRADY BUNCH"?
TO THIS DAY, I CAN'T
PLAY TIC-TAC-TOE WITHOUT
GETTING A HARD-ON.
"MARSHA MARSHA MARSHA"--
THAT WASN'T JAN; THAT WAS ME
IN THE SHOWER AT AGE 12
WITH A HANDFUL
OF PRELL.
-- GARY BUSEY--
HOW LONG DOES IT TAKE FOR
A BRAIN INJURY TO HEAL?
JESUS CHRIST.
APPARENTLY, GARY DAMAGED
EVERY PART OF THE BRAIN
EXCEPT FOR ONE--
THE ASSHOLE LOBE.
SIT DOWN, YOU RETARD.
WH--
OH, GOODNESS.
I SAW WARREN ON
"DANCING WITH THE STARS."
IT WAS LIKE WATCHING
A LEATHER COUCH DURING
AN EARTHQUAKE.
I HEARD HIS AGENT BACKSTAGE
ARGUING ON THE PHONE
ABOUT HIS CONTRACT
FOR THE ROAST.
I ACTUALLY HEARD HIS AGENT
SAY THIS--
"NO NO NO, I SAID, '45 ACRES
AND THREE MULES.'"
All:
AWWW!
IT'S A GREAT JOKE,
YOU WHITE LIBERAL --.
ANYWAYS...
BLACK PEOPLE ARE LAUGHING;
ALL THE WHITE -- OBAMA FANS
ARE CRYING.
GO -- YOURSELF.
ANYWAYS--
LET'S GET TO LARRY, HUH?
JESUS.
WHAT CAN YOU SAY ABOUT A GUY
WHO LOOKS LIKE BRETT FAVRE,
SOUNDS LIKE GOMER PYLE
AND DRESSES LIKE
ELLEN DeGENERES?
WE ALL KNOW HIS REAL NAME
IS DAN WHITNEY,
BUT HE HAD TO CHANGE IT BECAUSE
IT HAD THE WORD "WIT" IN IT.
I'LL TELL YOU
WHAT'S IRONIC:
WE'RE ROASTING
LARRY THE CABLE GUY,
YET HALF HIS FANS
AREN'T GOING TO SEE THIS
BECAUSE THEY HAVEN'T MADE
THE SWITCH FROM -- ANALOG.
RIGHT NOW IN APPALACHIA,
THERE'S 200 MONGOLOIDS
STANDING ON THE ROOFS OF
THEIR OUTHOUSES
WITH THEIR -- WRAPPED IN
TIN FOIL FACING DUE NORTH.
BOY, I SHOULD
HAVE STAYED SOBER.
--.
I SAW LARRY BACKSTAGE WITH
A LONG FACE
SNIFFING HIS FINGERS.
I SAID, "WHAT'S THE MATTER?"
HE GOES,
"I MISS MY FAMILY."
LARRY KNOWS NOTHING
ABOUT POLITICS.
I ASKED HIM WHAT HE THOUGHT
OF OBAMA'S STIMULUS PACKAGE,
AND HE SAID, "WHAT CAN I SAY?
BLACK GUYS GOT BIG --."
THANKS A LOT.
I APPRECIATE IT.
LARRY-- COME ON!
DANNY WHITNEY-- I'VE KNOWN HIM
FOR A LONG TIME.
HE WAS FUNNY BEFORE
HE WAS LARRY;
HE'S FUNNY NOW,
AND HE DESERVES EVERY
GODDAMNED PENNY HE MAKES.
THANKS A LOT.
( rock music playing )
Announcer:
UP NEXT,
LARRY THE CABLE GUY--
I GOT A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR.
THEY CAN BASH ME ALL
THEY WANT TO.
I LOVE THEM GUYS.
LISA LAMPANELLI'S KIND OF
A BITCH, THOUGH.
--WHEN THE ROAST OF LARRY
THE CABLE GUY CONTINUES.
WELL, LARRY THE CABLE GUY,
NOW IT'S TIME FOR YOU
TO GET YOUR REVENGE.
LARRY THE CABLE GUY
HAS EVERYTHING:
SLEEVELESS SHIRT,
STUPID CATCH PHRASE--
HE'S MR. T WITHOUT
THE ACTING CHOPS.
HE'S CALLED "CABLE GUY"
BECAUSE AFTER YOU
HEAR HIS ACT,
YOU WANT TO TAKE SOME CABLE
AND HANG YOURSELF.
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
PLEASE CLAP FOR
THE MAN OF THE HOUR
AND OUR
GUEST OF HONOR--
LARRY THE CABLE GUY!
( rock music playing )
All chanting:
LARRY, LARRY, LARRY.
EH, GIT-R-DONE!
( all cheering )
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
THIS IS AWESOME.
LISA LAMPANELLI AGAIN,
EVERYBODY.
ONE MORE HAND
FOR OLD LISA.
I MEAN, LET'S FACE FACTS,
LISA'S NOT THE SHINIEST
LURE IN THE TACKLE BOX.
FRONT-ROW TICKETS TO
LISA'S SHOW ARE 100 BUCKS
AND OBSTRUCTED-VIEW TICKETS
IS $150.
BUT...
I WANT TO TELL YA,
EVERYBODY HERE
SUCKS SO BAD,
I THINK I'M GONNA GIVE 'EM
ALL A PART IN MY NEXT MOVIE.
THE GUYS THAT ARE
HERE TONIGHT
ARE SOME OF THE MOST
BRIGHTEST TALENT IN THE COUNTRY
AND GARY BUSEY.
Man:
GARY!
I HAVE NO IDEA
WHY GARY--
OR HOW HE GOT
ON MY ROAST.
UH, I GUESS DR. DREW MUST
BE ON HIATUS THIS WEEK.
LOOK AT THAT--
MY BUDDY JEFF FOXWORTHY;
I GOT MY BUDDY
TOBY KEITH;
I GOT ARETHA FRANKLIN
DOWN THERE ON THE END.
YOU KNOW?
I MEAN, WARREN, DON'T YOU
FEEL KINDA WEIRD?
TWO WOMEN ON THE DAIS
UP HERE
AND YOU GOT BIGGER
TITS THAN BOTH OF 'EM.
GOOD TO SEE MY BUDDY
TOBY HERE TONIGHT.
HE'S A GOOD BUDDY OF MINE
AND A GOOD AMERICAN.
HIS BLOOD'S RED,
HIS PICKET FENCE IS WHITE,
AND HIS LAST ALBUM "BLEW."
YOU KNOW WHAT?
TOBY ALWAYS WRITES SONGS
ABOUT DIVE BARS WITH
CRUSTY WAITRESSES
AND A JUKEBOX WITH
STICKY FLOORS
AND SIGNS OUT FRONT THAT SAY,
"APPEARING TONIGHT,
GREG GIRALDO."
BUT, GREG, DON'T WORRY--
ONE DAY OPPORTUNITY
WILL KNOCK ON YOUR DOOR.
AND YOU WILL ANSWER IT.
AND IT WILL ASK FOR DIRECTIONS
TO CARLOS MENCIA'S HOUSE.
YOU KNOW WHAT'S
REALLY COOL?
I WANT TO THANK
MARSHA BRADY FOR BEING HERE.
AND SHE'S CRAZY.
SHE WALKED BEHIND ME; I'M LIKE
"MAN, THAT'S MARSHA BRADY, MAN,
FROM 'THE BRADY BUNCH.'"
I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.
YOU KNOW, THE GIRL I HAD
A CRUSH ON MY WHOLE LIFE
AND NOW SHE'S HERE.
AND I JUST GOTTA SAY,
WHAT HAPPENED?
- ( crowd groans )
- I'VE GOT TO TELL YOU,
I THINK I'D RATHER
BANG SAM THE BUTCHER TO
BE HONEST WITH YOU, BUT--
BUT IN ALL SERIOUSNESS,
WHAT HAPPENED?
UH, NO.
THANKS FOR COMING.
THANKS FOR TAKING THE DAY
OFF WALMART TO BE HERE.
YOU KNOW, I GET
A LOT OF FLAK
FROM CRITICS FOR
BEING HOMOPHOBIC.
BUT LET ME
TELL YOU SOMETHING:
I THINK HAVING INVITED
JEFF ROSS HERE TONIGHT
PROVES HOW MUCH
I LOVE THE QUEERS.
THAT BRINGS ME TO
MY GOOD BUDDY
RENO COLLIER.
NOBODY KNEW REALLY ACTUALLY
WHO RENO WAS WHEN HE WAS HERE.
YOU KNOW, PEOPLE RUNNING UP
TO ME AND THEY WERE ALL LIKE,
"HEY, WHO'S THAT FAT DUDE
THAT LOOKS LIKE PETER GRIFFIN
FROM 'FAMILY GUY'?"
OUT OF ALL THE OPENING ACTS
AND MIDDLE ACTS HERE TONIGHT,
NICK DiPAOLO IS
MY FAVORITE.
YOU KNOW, A LOT OF PEOPLE
DON'T KNOW,
BUT NICK DiPAOLO HAD
THE INSIDE TRACK
TO DO "SMARTER THAN
A FIFTH GRADER" OVER JEFF.
AND HE ALMOST GOT IT AND
THEN THE EXECUTIVES FOUND OUT
THAT NICK WASN'T ALLOWED
WITHIN 500yds
OF A FIFTH GRADER.
SO...
AND THAT BRINGS ME
TO ONE OF MY BEST FRIENDS
AND MENTORS
IN THE WHOLE WORLD
OF COMEDY, AND THAT'S
MY BUDDY JEFF FOXWORTHY.
THAT'S RIGHT.
JEFF WAS KIND ENOUGH
TO TAKE ME ON THE ROAD
WITH HIM AT THE PEAK
OF HIS CAREER.
AND HE KEPT DOING IT
EVEN AFTER 1997.
YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'VE BEEN WANTING TO DO
THIS JOKE FOR JEFF A LONG TIME.
BUT THIS IS ONE
I COME UP WITH THAT MAYBE
YOU CAN USE:
IF YOU UNDERESTIMATE
THE TALENT OF YOUR OPENING ACT
AND WATCH HIM GO ON TO MAKE
MORE MONEY THAN YOU,
YOU MIGHT BE
A REDNECK.
AND WITH THAT SAID,
I GOTTA SAY, IT WAS
A BLAST TO SIT HERE TONIGHT
AND TAKE THE SHOTS.
YOU KNOW, I'M A PRETTY
EASY TARGET.
IT WASN'T HARD
TO MAKE FUN OF ME, SO...
I JUST GOTTA SAY,
I'VE GOT HUGE RESPECT
FOR EVERYBODY UP HERE.
EVERYBODY UP HERE IS
A FRIEND OF MINE.
I'M HONORED TO BE SITTING RIGHT
THERE IN THE ROASTING CHAIR.
I'M HONORED THAT THESE GUYS
THINK ENOUGH OF ME
TO COME OUT HERE AND MAKE FUN
OF HOW MUCH I SUCK.
I REALLY DO
APPRECIATE THAT.
BUT I WANT TO TELL YOU,
I LIKE MAKING PEOPLE LAUGH--
I LOVE DOING THAT.
AND I'M GLAD THAT
PEOPLE LIKE IT.
AND I JUST WANT
TO THANK EVERYBODY FOR
LETTING ME LIVE MY DREAM
OF BEING ABLE
TO DO COMEDY.
AND I TAKE MY INSPIRATION
FROM THE FELLOW
THAT WROTE THIS:
( British accent )
"TO THINE OWN SELF BE TRUE,
AND IT MUST FOLLOW
AS THE DAY THE NIGHT,
THOU CANST NOT THEN
BE FALSE
TO ANY MAN!"
BUT THAT DON'T FIT ON
A BALL CAP, SO GIT-R-DONE!
( all cheering )
- ( rock music playing )
- THANKS AGAIN.
♪ SWEET HOME ALABAMA
♪ WHERE THE SKIES
ARE SO BLUE... ♪
U ARE HEE-HAWFUL.
( laughing )
LARRY, I'VE SEEN YOUR ACT--
YOU ARE HEE-HAWFUL.
THE ONLY THING MORE CLOGGED
THAN YOUR TOILET
- IS YOUR ARTERIES.
- ( light chuckles )
- --IS YOUR ARTERIES.
- ( laughter )
IT WORKED FOR JEFF ROSS.
LARRY'S SUCH A RACIST,
TO GET HIM TO THE SHOW TONIGHT,
HIS AGENT AND MANAGER
WERE "MEIN KAMPF"ED.
"MEIN KAMPF"ED, HE SAID
TO THE DRUNKEN BITCHES
FROM HOLLYWOOD
WHO WOULDN'T GET A JOKE IF
IT BIT THEM IN THE --.
HE DID GOOD, DIDN'T HE?
- THANK YOU SO MUCH.
- HIS FIRST ROAST HE EVER DID.
I FEEL LIKE ALL IN ALL,
IT WAS ONE OF THE BEST ROASTS.
I GOT HAMMERED PRETTY GOOD.
I ENJOYED IT.
YOU KNOW WHAT THE WORD
FUN STANDS FOR-- F-U-N?
"FINALLY UNDERSTANDING
NOTHING."
THAT'S FUN.