Club Fed (1990) - full transcript
A powerful gangster is murdered. However, All of his holdings were in his girlfriend's name. So she is charged and sent to a minimum-security prison, where all of the prisoners are filthy rich. There she meets and falls in love with an undercover FBI agent.
[Music]
oh
oh i'm busting you and putting you away
for good
don't worry about me i ain't going to
get caught going to prison
i was worried i'm not worried are you
worried i mean if you want to know the
truth
the only one i'm really worried about is
my ex-wife you're worried
i'm worried that one's crazy ever since
she caught me in bed with angelica
she's been intent on killing us
[Music]
yeah in fact i'm having someone come in
tomorrow put in bulletproof windows
look at this dumb parrot i paid 500 form
rolly does this plate that
yeah yeah i'm listening to you yeah i i
know the heat's coming down on me
but the feds ain't got a thing on me she
doesn't know she signed the contracts
[Music]
she thinks i'm helping her with a
penmanship
[Music]
i'm pretty smart huh
hey folly wanna crack hey
wow you want a cracker not a dumbbell
i'm not going to jail okay that's the
beauty part of it
good she's got angelica that's who
shut up don't you ever call her stupid
again
you got that
louie
i told you always wear your glasses when
you're near me
[Music]
is everything okay poopsie shut up
you're upset
maybe i can do something yeah
i've never seen you so excited before
don't ever touch this again oh
yeah don't blow a fuse you should have
known that was your gun
why'd you always carry a gun around why
do you always ask me so many stupid
questions
[Music]
i'm sorry dog the feds have been coming
down on me
they think i'm embezzling poopsie
i don't like to see you get so excited
you could've fooled me
oh poopsie
i refuse to make love with my glasses on
put those back on your walking action
without him
[Music]
is everything okay don't move
just take two steps backwards do it
[Music]
sit down on the bed
[Music]
that was the absolute best you ever were
and i'm not just saying that
[Music]
oh
[Music]
wow
you know poopsie i really owe you a lot
you took me off the streets taught me
self-defense
how to detonate bombs pick locks
but well
something's been bothering me
see we don't communicate with each other
i mean
i don't know who you are where you're
from i don't know anything about you
and every time i ask you a question
about yourself you tell me to quit
asking so many questions
i think you're really insensitive and i
don't like it
i also like it when you tell me to shut
up all the time
you can be very cold and heartless
i don't like your big smelly cigars i
don't like it when you leave the toilet
seat up and i don't like it when you
joke around and take your teeth out
there now don't you feel better that
we're communicating
i certainly do
die you wench
you're dead
[Music]
damn it mr pope that car stepped in
between us and the limo
i still think i can slip the microphone
into her car i think you should put your
headset on sir
[Music]
okay shall we cross the microphone in um
it's almost there come on bingo it's in
position
this isn't good sally you could end up
behind bars
nobody's gonna put me in jail after all
what i want to know is why is he so
intent on going after me
politicians who have gotten deals
approved and are evading federal taxes
maybe it's because he thinks that you're
just a ruthless [ __ ]
who abuses everyone in her past that's
just not
true i said french nails you
queen you're fired get out of here
how could that fbi chief say that about
me
phone you said it you're the greatest
there's nobody better
that'll be the last criminal act she's
going to be involved in
then lose him you idiot
oh and while you're at it could you turn
up the air
[Music]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
guys
let's go
[Applause]
what's going on hey how did those two
car switch positions
[Music]
crazy
[Music]
rest her interrogate the chauffeur walk
the dog
love fat must come down
how could i help you i'll tell you how
i pulled some strings and got you
appointed warden at club fed
you got me appointed the warden but i
got a criminal record
that's why you're the perfect man for
the job
i want you to steal money out of club
fan frame one of the criminals
i'll bust the convict and expose the
scandal at a major press conference
and then club fed will be overthrown the
criminals will have to serve their time
behind real bars
and the filthy skull will learn that
crime doesn't pay
and we can split whatever i steal
you stupid idiot i'm gonna keep all the
money for myself
i'm stupid idiot i'm gonna keep all the
money for myself
[Music]
uh which comeback we're gonna bust
that's my department all we have to do
is make sure that the person we frame
is naive gullible and unsuspecting
and i know just the person
gosh don't tell me i forgot to pay
the electric bill
[Music]
you stupid ludicrous liberal jackass
you're out of here
thank you gang terrific now let me
introduce my next guest
he's one of my biggest heroes a great
american the director
of the fbi let's hear it for vince
hooligans
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
ah yeah vince let me tell you it's
really a pleasure to have you on my show
and you know you probably have heard
about this new
federal program which is about to begin
for the
white collar criminals let me tell you
here you've probably seen it in in this
stupid magazine here
it's uh it's a place called club
fed a very minimum security prison
come on give me a right
get this get this get this folks it
features a club
fed a revolutionary rehabilitation
program
give me a break this is ludicrous
vince how do you feel about this stupid
thing
wally it makes me
sick
[Applause]
these are criminals not tourists
they swindle innocent people out of
millions of dollars every year
and we give them an all-expense paid
vacation
[Music]
i am so utterly repulsed
these are criminals they're they're the
incorrigible unredeemable
vermin the scum and drugs of society
there is no way they deserve this royal
treatment there's no way this club fed
program will work
[Music]
where there is smoke there is fire
and where there are criminals there is
crime
and i guarantee you my friends that
one of these criminals at club fed is
going to commit a significant
unlawful act and when that happens my
fellow americans i promise you when that
happens
glove fed will be closed down forever
[Music]
sir sir uh i got that that radio station
you wanted whoa whoa hold on to the
cabin
whoa whoa of course i know how to play
the game
yes yes whoa that's right what's the
question
whoa whoa hold up
what was lincoln's last words twinkies
last words give me five seconds like
everybody else did
what was lincoln's last words uh uh what
i got it hold on what
what good seats wait don't don't don't
screw with it your job is right here
good seats yes
of course i know everything yes i'll put
my assistant on there
you just spend the money whoa you just
earned your salary in a twenty thousand
dollar bonus
sir i like to speak with you about my
bonus your bonus what bonus
what's happening with the subsidiary huh
i want to know what's happening can you
hold please
it's not so great sir we can't do this
with the new brand banking regulations
it's completely unauthorized you're
telling me we can't do it
hey no hey hey i pay you a lot of money
get the subsidiary make the deal
but sure you could go to jail jail me
i would love it i'm not going to jail
nobody's going to find out when will you
ever learn my son
that thou shalt not steal
i think it's time i closed this case and
excuse me
took my well-deserved vacation
if convicted he could face as much as 45
years behind bars
however due to his income bracket he's a
likely candidate for club fed
a highly ambitious and controversial
program that i for one
am in favor of
[Music]
[Music]
so
come in
[Music]
i'm sorry you probably want to be left
alone help me out you fool
hey you know this reminds me of a guy i
once knew in ohio
agent 976 lovely pink puffin aromatics
just call me 976. it's 976 you've been
doing
fine work in the white collar division
i'm proud of you i know you're due for a
vacation
and for doing such great work i'm gonna
give you a special bonus this year
a two-week all-expense paid vacation to
club med
that's great thank you very much sir
well actually it's not club med it's
club fed
but don't worry they have all the sports
and recreational facilities you could
ever want
club fed no need to thank me
actually there is because while you're
having a great time i want you to do a
little undercover work for me you see i
have reason to believe that one of the
inmates
is trying to embezzle funds from club
fair i don't want you to uncover the
guilty party to come up with
evidence of corruption you want me to go
to club fed for my vacation
it's beautiful there you'll love it i
want you to go undercover as a corrupt
investment banker
who's been arrested for insider trading
and stock manipulation now don't let
anyone know your identity not the
inmates not the staff
definitely not the war i'm sorry sir but
i'm not really that interested in going
to a minimum security prison for my
vacation
i want you to stay close to this woman
and protect her
from your report i have reason to
believe that there might be an attempt
made on her life
now she's our number one suspect and if
she's the guilty party
i want her alive
or maybe it's just
[Music]
[Music]
holding you tight
[Music]
[Music]
imagine
sorry i thought you were someone else
agent 976 lovely pink puffin aromatic
spray i'm depending on you
be careful although club fed is a
magnificent resort is also a haven for
sin
immorality and iniquity oh i
better take this with me then sir lord
now remember stay close to that woman
and keep your eyes open at all times
and uncover any signs of corruption that
you may find
and also don't forget have a wonderful
vacation
sure i will ah with your help we are
going to close club fed forever
and send those criminals behind real
bars instead of
on a vacation where some liberal judges
handed them in court
angelica posiotopoulos
i have some good news and i have some
bad kids
the bad news is for the crimes
of embezzlement and misappropriation
of funds i'm sentencing you
to 40 years
the good news is that you qualify for a
brand new luxurious prison
which we got going for us right now
bayless can you tell us more about it
yes i can judge there's now a new
government plan that's exclusively for
white-collar criminals who have made at
least 200 million dollars a year
you angelica faziotopoulos will be
spending your next 29
999 nights and 30 000 days at the very
elegant and exclusive
club fed that's right club fed
translated that means minimum minimum
minimum minimum security prison
this place has it all custom-made
bungalows trained professional personnel
on staff
catering to your every whim luxury
automobiles at your disposal including
limousines ferraris remlands
all with unlimited mileage you'll be
flown first class to club fed on
take a risk airlines and you may use
your frequent flyer coupons but should
you cancel your reservation
you'll receive another criminal charge
club fed sports and recreational
activities include a championship golf
course that
golf international magazine calls an
astonishing golfing experience for
any incarcerated man there's also tennis
courts
basketball courts a racetrack
windsurfing
we're just a bunch of bad boys and girls
if we could do it all over again
we never end up in the federal peak
[Music]
over on the man with a gun and time sure
flies when you're having fun
[Music]
back home if you're a nature lover
you'll drill the club fed's magnificent
trails
currently under construction is a club
fed studio
theme park and space center no wonder
that when criminals think prison term
they think club fed
news world magazine says club fed is the
type of place that people would
literally
kill for there's more customized
bungalows
the 24 hours a beauty and hair salon
made
to cut this ordinary criminal trying to
break in sir hey i'm no ordinary
criminal
i robbed over 257 elevens get him out of
here
oh hello angelica
posiotopoulos oh whatever
uh i'm bert boyle your warden and host
charmed i'm sure and this is vice
president kruger
and the governor s tishman
and our own mayor brazil
uh i'm very sure that you're gonna be
happy with our accommodations
it's so nice to have such an elite
criminal staying with us
i'm not a criminal you got that
um but but don't get me wrong i'm not
complaining
do they take lisa and american express
here
ah that's what the chief is gonna frame
right here
that's me my name is jordan rush from
channel p-u-t-z you're jordan rush
oh i want you all this is my assistant
morty mentioned
you've been milking people out of
hundreds of millions of dollars a
million billion
and you've just been voting the world's
most successful criminal
we got it we got it i told you
what do you plan to do now i'm going to
[Music]
club
[Music]
[Music]
brother
[Music]
[Music]
oh they're all such
little people
uh let me apologize for the ineptitude
miss rich
i'll make sure it never happens again
you better it'll be your job
what are you the head billboard around
here or what allow me to introduce
myself
uh i'm warden boyle welcome to club fed
hello call me bert
[Music]
only if you call me later tonight
tell me warden
is there anything a convict can do
around here to win
special favors
[Music]
well why don't you come up and visit me
later tonight and uh
we'll discuss it
meanwhile i'll show you the rest of the
grounds
everything everything
allow me
here we are angelica the princess suite
custom designed to your satisfaction
hello i'm your princess robot i don't
make sense
i don't do pores and i don't do windows
i'm sure even you will find everything
to your satisfaction
enjoy your sentence here really can't
believe all this i mean it's too good to
be true
i don't deserve it oh i'm sure you do no
i really don't
see i didn't commit any crimes
i'm not bad enough for this place
come on now don't be so modest i'm sure
you're as tested land to pray
as they come gosh must be dreaming
this is everything i've ever wanted a
beautiful
pink room a canopy bed
and a transvestite wearing a pink silk
chiffon roll
with marabou collaring cuffs
[Music]
i guess i never really wanted a canopy
bed
don't tell me am i in the wrong room
i thought these panties were a little
tight
[Music]
and on that note
allow me to introduce myself my name is
polk
howard polk posiotopolous
angelica posius
[Music]
oh i'm very sorry about the mix-up
i i told the bellhop i didn't think this
was my room but he insisted
i'll uh just get my things together and
leave you alone well maybe this is your
room
no i don't think so the wallpaper's pink
there's a heart-shaped bathtub in a
closet full of cocktail dresses and
formal evening gowns that don't fit me
especially in the hips oh well if you're
absolutely certain
it was nice meeting you it was my
pleasure meeting you
i'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of
each other
[Music]
uh since we're both in jail together and
all
right you'd never tell a girl to shut up
would you no
of course not
[Music]
i'm just not used to meeting many
gentlemen
i guess my type doesn't attract them oh
don't you underestimate yourself
you're kind and sweet and i'll bet
you're also
great in board games you know
i did win a spelling game once in third
grade
how would you like to accompany me to
the club fed string quartet
yeah i'd be honored i'm really looking
forward to it howard
don't be a chump poke she's the number
one suspect
[Music]
hello is this the swiss national pacific
bank
my name is angelica and i'd like to open
up a savings account
i'll be making large deposits into this
account
i'd like somebody to call me every day
at 12 p.m
and at this topia in los angeles time
and as for me
my number is 213-550-0824
you can build my account
no no problem i'll fax
over all the pertinent information thank
you sweetie pie
yeah who is it hey chief
the plan's in action how are you gonna
bust a convict
i told you not to worry everything's
under control
today a privileged tour of the greatest
state of club fed
we offer a fine wonderful escort service
and you simply won't believe the kind of
luxury the money can buy
a beautiful lovely bar
going down over here
[Music]
hello and welcome to club fed
bert boyle your host and warden
and indeed it's a a great pleasure to
greet you fine criminals although you've
all
probably have seen many of our
wonderful opportunities we have here
this is not a vacation
you want sent here to have a good time
club fed is offering you
a revolutionary experimental work
rehabilitation program i
knew it was a catch to this place no
getting nothing in this world for
nothing
hold on a moment reverend huh we think
you're the best criminals in the world
we're confident that if we put you back
into the corporate world
with therapists and uh licensed
professionals
working with you studying and analyzing
your business techniques
you can be transformed into uh
legitimate successful business people
wait hold on wait wait a minute i mean i
mean i mean mr boyle i mean
i i mean if we're going to be working at
a club fed i mean well what happens to
the money that we're going to earn
i mean who gets that okay harrison good
question
all the monies will go into a special
account and be distributed
to the various charities that we set up
especially for this experiment
i am going to administer the
distribution
charity
you're not kidding i think donating the
money to charity is a wonderful idea
but maybe i should just get someone to
break both of your legs so you'll
qualify please we're a family
hey wait a minute this is a golden
opportunity for
you to do what you do best and that's to
earn a great deal of money
all you have to do is attend class work
with the counselors
and then go to group therapy therapy
what am i nut what is this a medical
center you give me back my cable tv show
i heal all you [ __ ]
but there's nothing wrong with me no
[ __ ]
well if you're not interested i can
arrange for you to be uh
relocated to a maximum security prison
if you're a little lucky the jail cell
might have a light bulb
oh we love confed yeah
i always wanted a therapist of my own
well folks enjoy the rest of the week
and
i'll see you monday morning at 6am
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
oh this is sac religious oh
god they send you to a federal prison
and then they expect you to work
hey hey could be worse you know we could
be locked up in a jail cell with a lummx
named braun
that's a coincidence my name is braun
i think we better get these guys to skip
the hot oil part of the massage
fbi headquarters hello agent 976 lovely
pink puff and aromatic spray
social security number 350407462
i'd like to speak to the director okay
oh no
okay i know it's about your motivation
yeah dan what are you doing here
you just said you wanted to speak to the
director i was talking about the
director of the fbi are we filming now
okay i just wanted to say you're doing a
great job oh
your acting is totally believable okay
it was until this scene
um line anita
i'd like to speak to the director thank
you
i'd like to speak to the director one
moment please
hello agent 976 lovely robotic spray
what have you come up with
please call me 976. okay 976. what have
you got for
uh nothing yet but not to worry i should
be out of here in about
one week over
[Music]
i don't think we should use the public
bathrooms anymore i heard that
hey wait a minute polka i want to talk
to you a minute
who are you talking to in the store oh
[ __ ]
put that flush around here let's go back
to the bungalow
all right but i refuse to work with
gordon boyle again do you know the last
time he wanted me to dress up in his
great grandmother's clothes and beat him
with her cane
i was wondering where you got those
therapeutic mesh stoppings
oh oh oh don't do it again oh hurt me oh
my god
oh how could she be guilty of that what
is she guilty of
you know she used to work in the most
exceptional outstanding
and simple escort service in the whole
wide world
the rest of a girl that wasn't i'm a
religious man believe me
they're unbelievable now if you'll
excuse me i got a little consultation to
attend to
what
stan he thinks he's such a ladies man
i don't buy it
[Music]
oh oh reverend wait for us
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
gosh if i had known it was this formal i
would have worn underwear
[Music]
[Applause]
perhaps you'd be more comfortable if you
went to a wrestling match
you got a problem if the little lady
will not be quiet
perhaps the little lady who you call a
lady lady excuse me
angelico when you're listening to a
string quartet
you're supposed to speak very softly
otherwise some people become annoyed
it's also not a great time to pop your
gum here
you're right howard it's very
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
unsophisticated
[Music]
[Music]
i didn't know i ordered room service
[Music]
i just thought i'd knock on your door
and find out if you
wanted anything
come on there must be something around
here
i can't keep calling in saying nothing
nothing
wow hello there
[Music]
nice bust
hello
beat me whip me make me howl make me
bark
you're right
this is going to hurt me more than it is
going to hurt you
[Music]
wait a minute what you can't leverage
that much
oh i can't huh hey i do this every day
in real life oh yeah well it's illegal
you just integrated downstream didn't
you huh did you have any capital on the
table not a cent
well that is completely different
because i
am a man of the closet and i am doing it
for the church
hallelujah come on it's still illegal
[Music]
i'll tell you what let's make the game
more interesting yeah you tell me how
no more business efforts
come again no more business efforts now
you're talking brother
[Applause]
but praise the lord i'm back in the game
that's it clean up around here that
couch is filthy
and when you're through with that i want
the windows clean
and the floors wet if anyone calls for
me
i'll be in palm springs
no comprendo
[Music]
oh
[Music]
sorry angelica why don't you wear your
glasses
more often i think it would make a
really big change in your life
and everyone else is around you
i was told i don't look pretty with my
glasses on
angelica you look beautiful in bifocals
besides it's what's inside a person that
counts
[Music]
and inside you are very beautiful
it's probably the nicest thing anyone
has ever said to me
if it doesn't bother you i'll wear my
[Music]
glasses
[Music]
tonight the topic of our sermon will be
the creation and i will be reading
from the latin text a's pray
are they is he speaking in tongues
[Music]
[Music]
hallelujah
[Music]
that's the way i like it so just
[Music]
uh
let me hear it
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
angelica i'll be right back there seems
to be a little backstabbing going on
here
[Music]
tomorrow spamming will be for women's
only and the subject will be
intimacy and procreate
[Music]
what a sermon desolate you got those
women rolling in the aisles i bet huh
hallelujah
i've never seen this statue before how
grotesque
must be the work of satan hey you know
something you're perfectly right
i've never seen anything more hideous
and repulsive my entire life
i'm going to recommend that they dispose
of this immediately
today we're going to begin reading books
moby dick
the story of a whale do you like to read
oh yes i'm very well read and i love
animal stories
one of my favorites is the cat
and the hat comes back
what about uh horton hears a who yes
green eggs and ham one fish two fish
red fish blue fish
and then we'll read pygmalia oh i love
pigs
[Music]
uh
[Music]
good morning class i am professor less
pilot
that's so i am here to teach you about
ethics
this is ridiculous you want me to take a
class in ethics
this is a bunch of [ __ ]
wow
[Music]
[Music]
next time i'll put you in the corner
with a dunce cop
today we are going to discuss the
approved methods
of behavior in the business world turn
your textbooks to page 2943
two thousand nine what what 2943
angelica why do you have a deposit slip
from a swiss bank in your purse
mr pope if you have something so
interesting to say
maybe you'd like to share with the rest
of the class
[Music]
why does angelica have a swiss savings
account
and how could she have made a
transaction yesterday from club fed
is it possible that i've fallen in love
with a criminal
are those her real breasts and if
they're not do i have to keep them away
from highly flammable areas
141 142
gosh i'll never get to 2943.
hello reverend i'm going to be
monitoring and supervising your religio
ethical
efficiency what you
question my divine enlightenment child
this is blacks for me i could have you
stoned
or turned into a lapa please reverend
it's been a long day we're going to play
a game called suffer the consequences
if you can prove to me that you can
conduct your affairs legitimately
you will win the game i will step aside
and leave you alone
however every time you do something
fraudulent or
unethical one of your possessions
will be confiscated
and what is this one of satan's game
shows
can i buy a vow all right i think we can
begin
i'm looking for a tax shelter
and i have about seven million dollars
to
invest well where you come to the right
person
i got this church i'm about ready to
tear down on some valuable land in new
[Music]
jersey
i'm sorry reverend you're trying to
defraud me
let's see i think i'll take your escort
please come with me man what do you
think you're doing
this is a pious and some mystic servant
of mine and i will not
allow her to be manhattan like that
young man
you are officially cursed
all right i think you know how to play
the game
remember follow the rules or suffer the
consequences
well let's see what harrison is up to
now remember harris no illegal or
unauthorized technique is that
understood
yes it's understood i just don't
understand bron you
you still think it's necessary for me to
be electronically rigged
shock treatment in rats is always used
for yes rats rats
am i a rat for rats or people who do
things illegal
you know cheat lie
better get a little oops oh hope nobody
noticed
as long as i'm not too obvious
this is good
now you know i don't have the capital to
take out a loan but
do you suppose that you could help me
what do you think you can do for me
you want a loan this is harrison you're
talking to me
don't worry about it i will personally
oversee your loan braun
and and you're qualified
[Music]
what was that that's 1 000 votes and
it'll increase
each time you do something bad like
cheek steal lie
are you kidding i was just trying to
help you out bron
[Music]
get your clubs what is he screaming
about
[Music]
looks like i'm gonna use a nine iron
what about you well i i don't know
brauna i'm in that trap there
probably use a pitching wedge look you
know i don't know if i should buy that
business
the numbers don't seem to match you're
gonna be able to help me or not
you need help sure hey
you promised not to tell anybody brian
i'll get you one for 110
[Music]
whoa whoa you don't talk to me anymore
no no more no no loan for you braun
no more look at me i'm becoming luminous
i'm the luminous man i can't punish him
for being a lousy golfer
oh oh well maybe i'll see what's down
here
[Music]
so
[Music]
i don't get it yeah i was right
[Music]
this is demonic and profane every deal i
propose to raise money for the poor and
the needy
you tell me it's illegal
would you please turn up the heat please
be scrupulous reverend i beg you
nobody wants your underwear all right i
think i has a solution
i am willing to take a capital gamble
and transfer all the investors capital
into one of my non-private organizations
now in a short time
does anybody have a big leaf [ __ ] took
all the furniture
[Music]
why this guy really knows how to live
[Music]
oh reverend you're not the puck
[Music]
thank you so much for sending me free
now let betty set you free
oh you big man you hallelujah brother
betty is ready
today we will begin our group therapy
session
which will hopefully enable us to better
understand ourselves
who we are and why we have chosen a life
of crime
i decided to focus my attention on sally
rich
and i've asked harrison and raymond
tesler
to role play her parents
okay
i don't know what's the matter with our
daughter darling she's
constantly stealing from the charity
boxes supposedly going to the poor
underprivileged people in the third
world country
what's wrong with that she's really a
good girl
i mean look she needs time she didn't
mean to steal
or murder anyone hmm she's also
a harlot i caught her in bed with the
mailman
the milkman and the butler and all at
the same time too
what's wrong with that
she's a loving girl she gives of herself
that's what i'm talking about she gives
off herself to everybody
face the fact darling our daughter is
deviant
unscrupulous and a [ __ ]
and those are her best qualities
thank you oh
thank you i can't believe it
appreciated it
[Music]
i've checked out several of the inmates
sir i haven't got anything yet
what's that matter with you we should
have found something by now i want
evidence not excuses
check the blonde bimbos room again don't
worry sir if there's anything going on
illegal here i'll get our man
or woman
hey hey who you talking to on the
telephone
my uh my electrologist oh i have this
terrible problem with unruly nasal hair
as you can see get away from me huh i
don't trust you for a minute
i don't know what you're up to but i
swear i'm gonna watch every movie make
till i find out what's going on here
don't think i'm not aware of every
little thing that goes on
[Music]
why don't you buzz off hey you remember
what i said
this guy is a serious [ __ ]
oh angelica say it ain't so
i just wanted to tell you how
you're the first person who's ever
treated me with dignity and respect
helped me to gain self-confidence and
even some measure of grace and
refinement
i think we've both had enough to dream
oh oh allow me howard
uh you know angelica
you should always remember that it's
a terrible thing to break the law you
should always try to be a
good and law-abiding person
oh howard you're something else
i mean when you've had too much to drink
in your defenses
you become even more honest
just another reason why i love you
why i admire you so much
[Music]
[Music]
waiter yes sir could you remove this
table please
yes sir right away
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
uh
yes it is i'd like to transfer some
money
into my account sweetie
what is your account number 314-9212
thank you very much thank
please harrison tess please stop it i
mean making me nervous look i'm insecure
enough
none of us has even met this real estate
syndicator before you're such a worry
bird test
you know that don't you i can't believe
you here we are doing business legally
for the first time in our lives
and you look like somebody who's having
a difficult time with menopause
well i'm sorry tess this is the new me
i'm merely asserting my femininity
tess are you lucky you're not a woman
come in
hello boys hi how do you do
you must be fred and you must be
abnormal
you're just going through a phase don't
apologize for me tess
let's just cut to the quick okay
everybody knows you you're losing money
everybody knows that nobody's buying
your houses
right and the market is dead eh
it's a dead market so what i've done i'm
about to take
everything all of your houses off your
hands
i'm buying everything i'm giving you a
fair price
and here here's the contract
[Music]
you've got a deal i'm so proud of both
of you
you have actually made a legal business
deal
congratulations oh good now maybe i'm
getting my shorts
back could you hold on just one moment
i'm putting my associate on the line all
right angelica
go ahead close the deal howard i can't
do this
i don't have any experience and i
certainly don't have the background or
formal training to talk to a vice
president of a major company
hey don't be intimidated you don't need
any background or formal training to
succeed in business
all you need is common sense and
practical decision making and you've got
that
okay wait wait wait you can do this
all yourself you don't need those
glasses
just try it okay
hello this is angelica speaking
i want you to get all the employees
together we've got the funds in place
let's get this leverage buy out
done
[Music]
just make sure the chairman of the board
gets his half million in cash
howard what are you doing you know
that's not legal
um
well well i finally caught you doing
something
illegal i didn't know what it was but i
knew you were up to no good
we try to give people like you a break
polk
but you don't deserve it you're the scum
of the earth
and i'm here to see that you suffer
yeah what are you gonna do
i love darling oh no no not that
not joshua
[Music]
forgive me reverend for i have sinned
haven't we all i remember when i was a
little baby look sister
save us all a lot of time why don't you
just ask him for forgiveness and we'll
call it a day hallelujah
you see i was the only baby in the
family
my mommy and daddy spoiled me they were
always bringing me wonderful things the
toy
the teddy bear training bra oh
what was that i heard about a training
bra they brought me up with
good strong traditional values
but unfortunately i fell in love with
the criminal
who framed me and i promised myself
i would never let that happen again
oh reverend i think i'm falling in love
with another criminal
i knew she couldn't resist me take your
party
listen sister you got to stop biting
your feelings
you got to let him know how you really
feel hallelujah
but he's a criminal look we all flesh
under the skin
now you just asking for forgiveness lest
we forget
covet thy neighbor as i said hallelujah
i think i got it now
now over here i have something i know
you're going to love
it was constructed during the neo-toe
post patio period
it's called demon with large feet
angelica we have nothing to talk about
eight hundred dollars eight hundred
dollars
ma'am i want you to look at these feet
angelica i i know how upset you must be
but
i had a very very good reason for acting
the way i did
oh howard i am so disappointed in you
i mean you of all people you've always
preached to me the importance of being
honest and trustworthy
why did you do this
i shouldn't be telling you this but
i am an undercover agent for the fbi
please don't insult me i'm not a bimbo
anymore fifteen hundred dollars fifteen
hundred dollars
do i hear seventeen hundred dollars
angelica if you don't believe me
here's my identification card come on
that looks nothing like you
well that's because i'm undercover now
angelica i had to protect my cover so
i pretended to be crooked please
please you've got to believe me
you're just asking for forgiveness and
we call it a day
oh howard of course i believe you
i'm sorry forever doubting you i should
have used my common sense
two thousand dollars two thousand
dollars
two thousand dollars once two thousand
dollars twice
two thousand dollars sold to the woman
sitting next to the undercover fbi agent
angelica this is your phone bill from
your bungalow
apparently you've been making an awful
lot of calls to switzerland
not me the only long-distance calls i
made were
to south yemen fair and norway and
that's only because i accidentally
dialed too many numbers
well apparently all these calls were
made right around noon time
it's almost new now why don't we go back
to your bungalow
[Music]
this is ridiculous
gracias
it's a shame that gracias is the only
word i speak or understand in spanish
me too what are we going to do
if only we had something else to go on
besides deposit slips and my phone
well i have a feeling that any second we
are gonna get a phone call that's gonna
help
us bust this thing wide open
yes she is may i ask who's calling
swiss national pacific bank
uh what is this regarding
really well who asked you to call here
i see no
she will not be transferring any money
today
um could i get the number you're calling
from please
thank you very much what happened
he was told to call this number every
day at noon
but i never hear it mean exactly
however someone is picking up this phone
and transferring funds into a dummy
account under your name
i don't have any proof i'll bet that
burke boyle is implicated in all this
somehow
morton boyle why do you think he's
involved
well when you've been doing this as long
as i have you tend to have a visceral
deep-seated inborn innate intuitive
instinctive inherent intrinsic
i don't know what you call it
premonition for lack of a better word
i think i'm gonna pay mr boyle a little
visit i'll meet you at the party
this shouldn't take me very long can i
go with you no
whoever is doing this is very dangerous
now angelica i don't want you involved
in this
any more than you already are stay away
from bert's office
[Music]
hey what are you doing with all this
luggage
i'm afraid i'm going off by myself i'm
gonna leave you behind
but first i gotta tie you up over here
oh
you're two tight white man
what you're going to do to me white man
we're going to spoil and violate me
aren't you a white man you know
i'm originally from indianapolis
[Music]
wow
[Music]
this foreplay is killing me
[Music]
[Music]
but really i think i'm worth the wait
huh
apparently boyle opened up two savings
accounts
one under angelica's name and one under
his he stole money from the club fed
charity fund and
and deposited it into her account using
the phone from her bungalow when she
wasn't there
then he later transferred it into his
account using a private telephone
everything conveniently leading back to
her
you did an incredible job uh you
accomplished
exactly what i wanted to do i'm so proud
of you agent nine seven six lovely pink
puppet sprite
do me a favor call me howard hi i'm mina
is this the party line
no no sorry
hey howie what's that
um a swiss savings account number of
boils
yeah i'll need that to transfer the
money to safekeeping
three four nine one two oh
wonderful dirty double crochet he's not
going to get away with that
i'm going to set up a press conference
for tomorrow morning at 6 00 a.m
we're going to expose the club fences of
what it really is and send those
criminals back behind
maximum security bars where they belong
what are you talking about
the criminals didn't do anything wrong
it was boyle
hello hello
[Applause]
hello
i couldn't have planned it any better
i get all the money oil and angelica get
busted
club that is overthrown what a great way
to end the day
thanks to you hooligan knows i have
money in my account and he's planning a
great big double cross but he's not
going to get away with it because i'm
just transferring my money to
a different account i'm out of here just
after the press conference
you wouldn't be interested in taking me
along would you i have a nice smile
terrific personality and i know a lot of
great
bed and breakfast places sorry i'm tying
you up down the basement
eventually somebody's going to find you
but it's going to be too late
i got this nice bomb for my birthday and
i've been just waiting to use it
and you're the perfect person for it
yeah i'm sure i'll get a big bang out of
it
you know before i met you the doctors
told me i was frigid
and i think that that's why i was such
an intolerable person and why
why i turn to a life of crime but you
tame
me you have transformed me
and given me a new lease on life oh god
you're
wonderful i feel like singing it's on
your world
i sent you one for
me i'm
[Music]
during the press conference at precise
6am you're gonna join your ancestors
uh angelica will be arrested for murder
wait bert wait wait
if i were you i just give myself up hey
come on look you've stolen an incredible
amount of money from charity
you're about to kill an innocent man and
frame an innocent woman for murder
come on god hey what could a vile
detestable person like yourself
possibly do after this for an encore
you got me on that one
[Music]
[Music]
where is he big guy i don't know i was
just asked to guard this door
get out of here there's a bob said to go
off any minute save yourself
don't worry howard i know how to
disconnect bombs you do
yes oh
i don't like the side of that music be
prepared to meet your
maker uh could we please take this
disagreement to a different place
there's a bomb about to go off here
i'm going to kill you with my bare hands
i don't know who you are or what you
want but i'm a little bit busy right now
do you think we should talk later oh
that sounds like a good idea maybe we
could all go bowling or something
i'm going to enjoy this
what not to worry howard i just
disconnected the positive
and negative circuits this bomb is not
going up
how did you know what to do when i lived
with louie he used to get bumps into him
all the time
oh you lived with my
[Music]
i think i managed to unbutton my wrong
sleeve who do you want to donate your
organs
to maybe we should reconsider that
bowling idea that sounded like a lot of
[Music]
[Music]
fun
any dying requests i'd like to get
married
have children of a big house
[Music]
wait wait wait you wouldn't hit a girl
with glasses on would you please
let her take her glasses off first i'll
let you take your glasses off
you're gonna die before you can see your
life pass
before you
[Music]
yeah i was right about that sleep what
happened to her
all right it's a long story come on
let's get out of here
you really are suffering you know that i
don't know what was more impressive you
beating up that neanderthal woman or
deserving the bomb
i've been beating up
welcome ladies and gentlemen i've called
this
press conference to make the public
aware of what has been going on
here at club since its opening
the fbi has had a an undercover agent
posing as a convict working behind the
scenes
and due to his fine work we have exposed
the corrupt system of this so-called
penal institution matter of fact we have
compiled conclusive proof that one of
the inmates
namely angel nickaposalapalooza
has been stealing money from club fed
that had been designated for charity
i promise you that she will be
prosecuted to the fullest extent of the
law
this just goes to show you that once a
criminal
always a criminal and this mickey mouse
operation
is nothing more than a waste of the
taxpayers money
we should never pass never give
preferential treatment to crooks just
because they happen to be rich
now we can put them back where they
belong in the first place
behind bars and we will close the gates
of club fed
forever
[Music]
something very disturbing is ultimately
brought to my attention it seems that
this
uh pair of bumpulos was not alone
in her operation there was another
person besides
puzzle octopus who was misappropriating
funds and what is so
shocking and so disheartening is that he
is not one of the criminals he is
as i was saying what is so shocking and
so is his heart
[Music]
i used to think that it was a close
personal friend of mine
we used to eat at each other's houses
for dinner no
i set him up with his third wife when i
was sick he donated a kidney
coal in his flea now i know that he is a
criminal
and an attempted murderer he is none
other than
bird boy
i am agent 976 lovely pink pup and
aromatic spray the undercover agent
assigned to this case
and i have proof that yes there was a
misappropriation of funds
but it was vince hooligan and bert boyle
who are responsible
not angelica topless
now i have been here and i have been
part of this system
i have seen hardened lifelong criminals
rehabilitated
before my very eyes club fed
should be allowed to continue because
club
bed works
[Applause]
before club fed i was vain
and materialistic i was very much into
my looks
all i wanted was diamonds furs a winter
retreat in palm springs
ski chalet in saint maritz park avenue
apartment
assorted vintage touring sedans lately
honey
i think they get the idea okay
well my point is that i wanted those
things and i didn't care
how i got them now i still want those
things
but i care how i get them i think
everybody should spend at least six
months at club fed
to learn the difference between right
and wrong and to acquire
knowledge self-respect and
[Applause]
[Music]
sophistication
[Music]
wow
thanks to all of you
i'm going to leave here a different
[Music]
[Applause]
person
not only do i regret everything that
i've done
but i also intend to pay back all
the people that i've taken advantage of
as i know we all want to do hallelujah
thank you for coming to club fed
harrison and the reverend lived happily
ever after
fbi director vince hooligan got 20 years
in a maximum security prison
where he commissioned his mother to
write his memoirs
sally ridge was never discovered
burt boyle has been running away from
the law for over 20 years
he's never been captured but has however
won marathons
all over the world as for me
i became the fbi director in married
angelica who became the new warden
we later went on to star in club fed 2 3
4 5 6 7
8 9 ten eleven
twelve through nineteen boys
[Music]
34 was a good
[Music]
we one getting fat but we look real cute
there's no getting over on the man with
the gun
and time sure flies when you're having
[Music]
fun
46 47 48 was the one we shot in europe
[Music]
working
working on
[Music]
club fed 72 love fed 73
with the little goat 74 75
[Music]
76.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]
all
[Music]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
working on the changes
[Music]
[Applause]
where do we go
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
you
oh
oh i'm busting you and putting you away
for good
don't worry about me i ain't going to
get caught going to prison
i was worried i'm not worried are you
worried i mean if you want to know the
truth
the only one i'm really worried about is
my ex-wife you're worried
i'm worried that one's crazy ever since
she caught me in bed with angelica
she's been intent on killing us
[Music]
yeah in fact i'm having someone come in
tomorrow put in bulletproof windows
look at this dumb parrot i paid 500 form
rolly does this plate that
yeah yeah i'm listening to you yeah i i
know the heat's coming down on me
but the feds ain't got a thing on me she
doesn't know she signed the contracts
[Music]
she thinks i'm helping her with a
penmanship
[Music]
i'm pretty smart huh
hey folly wanna crack hey
wow you want a cracker not a dumbbell
i'm not going to jail okay that's the
beauty part of it
good she's got angelica that's who
shut up don't you ever call her stupid
again
you got that
louie
i told you always wear your glasses when
you're near me
[Music]
is everything okay poopsie shut up
you're upset
maybe i can do something yeah
i've never seen you so excited before
don't ever touch this again oh
yeah don't blow a fuse you should have
known that was your gun
why'd you always carry a gun around why
do you always ask me so many stupid
questions
[Music]
i'm sorry dog the feds have been coming
down on me
they think i'm embezzling poopsie
i don't like to see you get so excited
you could've fooled me
oh poopsie
i refuse to make love with my glasses on
put those back on your walking action
without him
[Music]
is everything okay don't move
just take two steps backwards do it
[Music]
sit down on the bed
[Music]
that was the absolute best you ever were
and i'm not just saying that
[Music]
oh
[Music]
wow
you know poopsie i really owe you a lot
you took me off the streets taught me
self-defense
how to detonate bombs pick locks
but well
something's been bothering me
see we don't communicate with each other
i mean
i don't know who you are where you're
from i don't know anything about you
and every time i ask you a question
about yourself you tell me to quit
asking so many questions
i think you're really insensitive and i
don't like it
i also like it when you tell me to shut
up all the time
you can be very cold and heartless
i don't like your big smelly cigars i
don't like it when you leave the toilet
seat up and i don't like it when you
joke around and take your teeth out
there now don't you feel better that
we're communicating
i certainly do
die you wench
you're dead
[Music]
damn it mr pope that car stepped in
between us and the limo
i still think i can slip the microphone
into her car i think you should put your
headset on sir
[Music]
okay shall we cross the microphone in um
it's almost there come on bingo it's in
position
this isn't good sally you could end up
behind bars
nobody's gonna put me in jail after all
what i want to know is why is he so
intent on going after me
politicians who have gotten deals
approved and are evading federal taxes
maybe it's because he thinks that you're
just a ruthless [ __ ]
who abuses everyone in her past that's
just not
true i said french nails you
queen you're fired get out of here
how could that fbi chief say that about
me
phone you said it you're the greatest
there's nobody better
that'll be the last criminal act she's
going to be involved in
then lose him you idiot
oh and while you're at it could you turn
up the air
[Music]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
guys
let's go
[Applause]
what's going on hey how did those two
car switch positions
[Music]
crazy
[Music]
rest her interrogate the chauffeur walk
the dog
love fat must come down
how could i help you i'll tell you how
i pulled some strings and got you
appointed warden at club fed
you got me appointed the warden but i
got a criminal record
that's why you're the perfect man for
the job
i want you to steal money out of club
fan frame one of the criminals
i'll bust the convict and expose the
scandal at a major press conference
and then club fed will be overthrown the
criminals will have to serve their time
behind real bars
and the filthy skull will learn that
crime doesn't pay
and we can split whatever i steal
you stupid idiot i'm gonna keep all the
money for myself
i'm stupid idiot i'm gonna keep all the
money for myself
[Music]
uh which comeback we're gonna bust
that's my department all we have to do
is make sure that the person we frame
is naive gullible and unsuspecting
and i know just the person
gosh don't tell me i forgot to pay
the electric bill
[Music]
you stupid ludicrous liberal jackass
you're out of here
thank you gang terrific now let me
introduce my next guest
he's one of my biggest heroes a great
american the director
of the fbi let's hear it for vince
hooligans
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
ah yeah vince let me tell you it's
really a pleasure to have you on my show
and you know you probably have heard
about this new
federal program which is about to begin
for the
white collar criminals let me tell you
here you've probably seen it in in this
stupid magazine here
it's uh it's a place called club
fed a very minimum security prison
come on give me a right
get this get this get this folks it
features a club
fed a revolutionary rehabilitation
program
give me a break this is ludicrous
vince how do you feel about this stupid
thing
wally it makes me
sick
[Applause]
these are criminals not tourists
they swindle innocent people out of
millions of dollars every year
and we give them an all-expense paid
vacation
[Music]
i am so utterly repulsed
these are criminals they're they're the
incorrigible unredeemable
vermin the scum and drugs of society
there is no way they deserve this royal
treatment there's no way this club fed
program will work
[Music]
where there is smoke there is fire
and where there are criminals there is
crime
and i guarantee you my friends that
one of these criminals at club fed is
going to commit a significant
unlawful act and when that happens my
fellow americans i promise you when that
happens
glove fed will be closed down forever
[Music]
sir sir uh i got that that radio station
you wanted whoa whoa hold on to the
cabin
whoa whoa of course i know how to play
the game
yes yes whoa that's right what's the
question
whoa whoa hold up
what was lincoln's last words twinkies
last words give me five seconds like
everybody else did
what was lincoln's last words uh uh what
i got it hold on what
what good seats wait don't don't don't
screw with it your job is right here
good seats yes
of course i know everything yes i'll put
my assistant on there
you just spend the money whoa you just
earned your salary in a twenty thousand
dollar bonus
sir i like to speak with you about my
bonus your bonus what bonus
what's happening with the subsidiary huh
i want to know what's happening can you
hold please
it's not so great sir we can't do this
with the new brand banking regulations
it's completely unauthorized you're
telling me we can't do it
hey no hey hey i pay you a lot of money
get the subsidiary make the deal
but sure you could go to jail jail me
i would love it i'm not going to jail
nobody's going to find out when will you
ever learn my son
that thou shalt not steal
i think it's time i closed this case and
excuse me
took my well-deserved vacation
if convicted he could face as much as 45
years behind bars
however due to his income bracket he's a
likely candidate for club fed
a highly ambitious and controversial
program that i for one
am in favor of
[Music]
[Music]
so
come in
[Music]
i'm sorry you probably want to be left
alone help me out you fool
hey you know this reminds me of a guy i
once knew in ohio
agent 976 lovely pink puffin aromatics
just call me 976. it's 976 you've been
doing
fine work in the white collar division
i'm proud of you i know you're due for a
vacation
and for doing such great work i'm gonna
give you a special bonus this year
a two-week all-expense paid vacation to
club med
that's great thank you very much sir
well actually it's not club med it's
club fed
but don't worry they have all the sports
and recreational facilities you could
ever want
club fed no need to thank me
actually there is because while you're
having a great time i want you to do a
little undercover work for me you see i
have reason to believe that one of the
inmates
is trying to embezzle funds from club
fair i don't want you to uncover the
guilty party to come up with
evidence of corruption you want me to go
to club fed for my vacation
it's beautiful there you'll love it i
want you to go undercover as a corrupt
investment banker
who's been arrested for insider trading
and stock manipulation now don't let
anyone know your identity not the
inmates not the staff
definitely not the war i'm sorry sir but
i'm not really that interested in going
to a minimum security prison for my
vacation
i want you to stay close to this woman
and protect her
from your report i have reason to
believe that there might be an attempt
made on her life
now she's our number one suspect and if
she's the guilty party
i want her alive
or maybe it's just
[Music]
[Music]
holding you tight
[Music]
[Music]
imagine
sorry i thought you were someone else
agent 976 lovely pink puffin aromatic
spray i'm depending on you
be careful although club fed is a
magnificent resort is also a haven for
sin
immorality and iniquity oh i
better take this with me then sir lord
now remember stay close to that woman
and keep your eyes open at all times
and uncover any signs of corruption that
you may find
and also don't forget have a wonderful
vacation
sure i will ah with your help we are
going to close club fed forever
and send those criminals behind real
bars instead of
on a vacation where some liberal judges
handed them in court
angelica posiotopoulos
i have some good news and i have some
bad kids
the bad news is for the crimes
of embezzlement and misappropriation
of funds i'm sentencing you
to 40 years
the good news is that you qualify for a
brand new luxurious prison
which we got going for us right now
bayless can you tell us more about it
yes i can judge there's now a new
government plan that's exclusively for
white-collar criminals who have made at
least 200 million dollars a year
you angelica faziotopoulos will be
spending your next 29
999 nights and 30 000 days at the very
elegant and exclusive
club fed that's right club fed
translated that means minimum minimum
minimum minimum security prison
this place has it all custom-made
bungalows trained professional personnel
on staff
catering to your every whim luxury
automobiles at your disposal including
limousines ferraris remlands
all with unlimited mileage you'll be
flown first class to club fed on
take a risk airlines and you may use
your frequent flyer coupons but should
you cancel your reservation
you'll receive another criminal charge
club fed sports and recreational
activities include a championship golf
course that
golf international magazine calls an
astonishing golfing experience for
any incarcerated man there's also tennis
courts
basketball courts a racetrack
windsurfing
we're just a bunch of bad boys and girls
if we could do it all over again
we never end up in the federal peak
[Music]
over on the man with a gun and time sure
flies when you're having fun
[Music]
back home if you're a nature lover
you'll drill the club fed's magnificent
trails
currently under construction is a club
fed studio
theme park and space center no wonder
that when criminals think prison term
they think club fed
news world magazine says club fed is the
type of place that people would
literally
kill for there's more customized
bungalows
the 24 hours a beauty and hair salon
made
to cut this ordinary criminal trying to
break in sir hey i'm no ordinary
criminal
i robbed over 257 elevens get him out of
here
oh hello angelica
posiotopoulos oh whatever
uh i'm bert boyle your warden and host
charmed i'm sure and this is vice
president kruger
and the governor s tishman
and our own mayor brazil
uh i'm very sure that you're gonna be
happy with our accommodations
it's so nice to have such an elite
criminal staying with us
i'm not a criminal you got that
um but but don't get me wrong i'm not
complaining
do they take lisa and american express
here
ah that's what the chief is gonna frame
right here
that's me my name is jordan rush from
channel p-u-t-z you're jordan rush
oh i want you all this is my assistant
morty mentioned
you've been milking people out of
hundreds of millions of dollars a
million billion
and you've just been voting the world's
most successful criminal
we got it we got it i told you
what do you plan to do now i'm going to
[Music]
club
[Music]
[Music]
brother
[Music]
[Music]
oh they're all such
little people
uh let me apologize for the ineptitude
miss rich
i'll make sure it never happens again
you better it'll be your job
what are you the head billboard around
here or what allow me to introduce
myself
uh i'm warden boyle welcome to club fed
hello call me bert
[Music]
only if you call me later tonight
tell me warden
is there anything a convict can do
around here to win
special favors
[Music]
well why don't you come up and visit me
later tonight and uh
we'll discuss it
meanwhile i'll show you the rest of the
grounds
everything everything
allow me
here we are angelica the princess suite
custom designed to your satisfaction
hello i'm your princess robot i don't
make sense
i don't do pores and i don't do windows
i'm sure even you will find everything
to your satisfaction
enjoy your sentence here really can't
believe all this i mean it's too good to
be true
i don't deserve it oh i'm sure you do no
i really don't
see i didn't commit any crimes
i'm not bad enough for this place
come on now don't be so modest i'm sure
you're as tested land to pray
as they come gosh must be dreaming
this is everything i've ever wanted a
beautiful
pink room a canopy bed
and a transvestite wearing a pink silk
chiffon roll
with marabou collaring cuffs
[Music]
i guess i never really wanted a canopy
bed
don't tell me am i in the wrong room
i thought these panties were a little
tight
[Music]
and on that note
allow me to introduce myself my name is
polk
howard polk posiotopolous
angelica posius
[Music]
oh i'm very sorry about the mix-up
i i told the bellhop i didn't think this
was my room but he insisted
i'll uh just get my things together and
leave you alone well maybe this is your
room
no i don't think so the wallpaper's pink
there's a heart-shaped bathtub in a
closet full of cocktail dresses and
formal evening gowns that don't fit me
especially in the hips oh well if you're
absolutely certain
it was nice meeting you it was my
pleasure meeting you
i'm sure we'll be seeing a lot more of
each other
[Music]
uh since we're both in jail together and
all
right you'd never tell a girl to shut up
would you no
of course not
[Music]
i'm just not used to meeting many
gentlemen
i guess my type doesn't attract them oh
don't you underestimate yourself
you're kind and sweet and i'll bet
you're also
great in board games you know
i did win a spelling game once in third
grade
how would you like to accompany me to
the club fed string quartet
yeah i'd be honored i'm really looking
forward to it howard
don't be a chump poke she's the number
one suspect
[Music]
hello is this the swiss national pacific
bank
my name is angelica and i'd like to open
up a savings account
i'll be making large deposits into this
account
i'd like somebody to call me every day
at 12 p.m
and at this topia in los angeles time
and as for me
my number is 213-550-0824
you can build my account
no no problem i'll fax
over all the pertinent information thank
you sweetie pie
yeah who is it hey chief
the plan's in action how are you gonna
bust a convict
i told you not to worry everything's
under control
today a privileged tour of the greatest
state of club fed
we offer a fine wonderful escort service
and you simply won't believe the kind of
luxury the money can buy
a beautiful lovely bar
going down over here
[Music]
hello and welcome to club fed
bert boyle your host and warden
and indeed it's a a great pleasure to
greet you fine criminals although you've
all
probably have seen many of our
wonderful opportunities we have here
this is not a vacation
you want sent here to have a good time
club fed is offering you
a revolutionary experimental work
rehabilitation program i
knew it was a catch to this place no
getting nothing in this world for
nothing
hold on a moment reverend huh we think
you're the best criminals in the world
we're confident that if we put you back
into the corporate world
with therapists and uh licensed
professionals
working with you studying and analyzing
your business techniques
you can be transformed into uh
legitimate successful business people
wait hold on wait wait a minute i mean i
mean i mean mr boyle i mean
i i mean if we're going to be working at
a club fed i mean well what happens to
the money that we're going to earn
i mean who gets that okay harrison good
question
all the monies will go into a special
account and be distributed
to the various charities that we set up
especially for this experiment
i am going to administer the
distribution
charity
you're not kidding i think donating the
money to charity is a wonderful idea
but maybe i should just get someone to
break both of your legs so you'll
qualify please we're a family
hey wait a minute this is a golden
opportunity for
you to do what you do best and that's to
earn a great deal of money
all you have to do is attend class work
with the counselors
and then go to group therapy therapy
what am i nut what is this a medical
center you give me back my cable tv show
i heal all you [ __ ]
but there's nothing wrong with me no
[ __ ]
well if you're not interested i can
arrange for you to be uh
relocated to a maximum security prison
if you're a little lucky the jail cell
might have a light bulb
oh we love confed yeah
i always wanted a therapist of my own
well folks enjoy the rest of the week
and
i'll see you monday morning at 6am
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
oh this is sac religious oh
god they send you to a federal prison
and then they expect you to work
hey hey could be worse you know we could
be locked up in a jail cell with a lummx
named braun
that's a coincidence my name is braun
i think we better get these guys to skip
the hot oil part of the massage
fbi headquarters hello agent 976 lovely
pink puff and aromatic spray
social security number 350407462
i'd like to speak to the director okay
oh no
okay i know it's about your motivation
yeah dan what are you doing here
you just said you wanted to speak to the
director i was talking about the
director of the fbi are we filming now
okay i just wanted to say you're doing a
great job oh
your acting is totally believable okay
it was until this scene
um line anita
i'd like to speak to the director thank
you
i'd like to speak to the director one
moment please
hello agent 976 lovely robotic spray
what have you come up with
please call me 976. okay 976. what have
you got for
uh nothing yet but not to worry i should
be out of here in about
one week over
[Music]
i don't think we should use the public
bathrooms anymore i heard that
hey wait a minute polka i want to talk
to you a minute
who are you talking to in the store oh
[ __ ]
put that flush around here let's go back
to the bungalow
all right but i refuse to work with
gordon boyle again do you know the last
time he wanted me to dress up in his
great grandmother's clothes and beat him
with her cane
i was wondering where you got those
therapeutic mesh stoppings
oh oh oh don't do it again oh hurt me oh
my god
oh how could she be guilty of that what
is she guilty of
you know she used to work in the most
exceptional outstanding
and simple escort service in the whole
wide world
the rest of a girl that wasn't i'm a
religious man believe me
they're unbelievable now if you'll
excuse me i got a little consultation to
attend to
what
stan he thinks he's such a ladies man
i don't buy it
[Music]
oh oh reverend wait for us
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
gosh if i had known it was this formal i
would have worn underwear
[Music]
[Applause]
perhaps you'd be more comfortable if you
went to a wrestling match
you got a problem if the little lady
will not be quiet
perhaps the little lady who you call a
lady lady excuse me
angelico when you're listening to a
string quartet
you're supposed to speak very softly
otherwise some people become annoyed
it's also not a great time to pop your
gum here
you're right howard it's very
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
unsophisticated
[Music]
[Music]
i didn't know i ordered room service
[Music]
i just thought i'd knock on your door
and find out if you
wanted anything
come on there must be something around
here
i can't keep calling in saying nothing
nothing
wow hello there
[Music]
nice bust
hello
beat me whip me make me howl make me
bark
you're right
this is going to hurt me more than it is
going to hurt you
[Music]
wait a minute what you can't leverage
that much
oh i can't huh hey i do this every day
in real life oh yeah well it's illegal
you just integrated downstream didn't
you huh did you have any capital on the
table not a cent
well that is completely different
because i
am a man of the closet and i am doing it
for the church
hallelujah come on it's still illegal
[Music]
i'll tell you what let's make the game
more interesting yeah you tell me how
no more business efforts
come again no more business efforts now
you're talking brother
[Applause]
but praise the lord i'm back in the game
that's it clean up around here that
couch is filthy
and when you're through with that i want
the windows clean
and the floors wet if anyone calls for
me
i'll be in palm springs
no comprendo
[Music]
oh
[Music]
sorry angelica why don't you wear your
glasses
more often i think it would make a
really big change in your life
and everyone else is around you
i was told i don't look pretty with my
glasses on
angelica you look beautiful in bifocals
besides it's what's inside a person that
counts
[Music]
and inside you are very beautiful
it's probably the nicest thing anyone
has ever said to me
if it doesn't bother you i'll wear my
[Music]
glasses
[Music]
tonight the topic of our sermon will be
the creation and i will be reading
from the latin text a's pray
are they is he speaking in tongues
[Music]
[Music]
hallelujah
[Music]
that's the way i like it so just
[Music]
uh
let me hear it
[Applause]
[Music]
[Music]
angelica i'll be right back there seems
to be a little backstabbing going on
here
[Music]
tomorrow spamming will be for women's
only and the subject will be
intimacy and procreate
[Music]
what a sermon desolate you got those
women rolling in the aisles i bet huh
hallelujah
i've never seen this statue before how
grotesque
must be the work of satan hey you know
something you're perfectly right
i've never seen anything more hideous
and repulsive my entire life
i'm going to recommend that they dispose
of this immediately
today we're going to begin reading books
moby dick
the story of a whale do you like to read
oh yes i'm very well read and i love
animal stories
one of my favorites is the cat
and the hat comes back
what about uh horton hears a who yes
green eggs and ham one fish two fish
red fish blue fish
and then we'll read pygmalia oh i love
pigs
[Music]
uh
[Music]
good morning class i am professor less
pilot
that's so i am here to teach you about
ethics
this is ridiculous you want me to take a
class in ethics
this is a bunch of [ __ ]
wow
[Music]
[Music]
next time i'll put you in the corner
with a dunce cop
today we are going to discuss the
approved methods
of behavior in the business world turn
your textbooks to page 2943
two thousand nine what what 2943
angelica why do you have a deposit slip
from a swiss bank in your purse
mr pope if you have something so
interesting to say
maybe you'd like to share with the rest
of the class
[Music]
why does angelica have a swiss savings
account
and how could she have made a
transaction yesterday from club fed
is it possible that i've fallen in love
with a criminal
are those her real breasts and if
they're not do i have to keep them away
from highly flammable areas
141 142
gosh i'll never get to 2943.
hello reverend i'm going to be
monitoring and supervising your religio
ethical
efficiency what you
question my divine enlightenment child
this is blacks for me i could have you
stoned
or turned into a lapa please reverend
it's been a long day we're going to play
a game called suffer the consequences
if you can prove to me that you can
conduct your affairs legitimately
you will win the game i will step aside
and leave you alone
however every time you do something
fraudulent or
unethical one of your possessions
will be confiscated
and what is this one of satan's game
shows
can i buy a vow all right i think we can
begin
i'm looking for a tax shelter
and i have about seven million dollars
to
invest well where you come to the right
person
i got this church i'm about ready to
tear down on some valuable land in new
[Music]
jersey
i'm sorry reverend you're trying to
defraud me
let's see i think i'll take your escort
please come with me man what do you
think you're doing
this is a pious and some mystic servant
of mine and i will not
allow her to be manhattan like that
young man
you are officially cursed
all right i think you know how to play
the game
remember follow the rules or suffer the
consequences
well let's see what harrison is up to
now remember harris no illegal or
unauthorized technique is that
understood
yes it's understood i just don't
understand bron you
you still think it's necessary for me to
be electronically rigged
shock treatment in rats is always used
for yes rats rats
am i a rat for rats or people who do
things illegal
you know cheat lie
better get a little oops oh hope nobody
noticed
as long as i'm not too obvious
this is good
now you know i don't have the capital to
take out a loan but
do you suppose that you could help me
what do you think you can do for me
you want a loan this is harrison you're
talking to me
don't worry about it i will personally
oversee your loan braun
and and you're qualified
[Music]
what was that that's 1 000 votes and
it'll increase
each time you do something bad like
cheek steal lie
are you kidding i was just trying to
help you out bron
[Music]
get your clubs what is he screaming
about
[Music]
looks like i'm gonna use a nine iron
what about you well i i don't know
brauna i'm in that trap there
probably use a pitching wedge look you
know i don't know if i should buy that
business
the numbers don't seem to match you're
gonna be able to help me or not
you need help sure hey
you promised not to tell anybody brian
i'll get you one for 110
[Music]
whoa whoa you don't talk to me anymore
no no more no no loan for you braun
no more look at me i'm becoming luminous
i'm the luminous man i can't punish him
for being a lousy golfer
oh oh well maybe i'll see what's down
here
[Music]
so
[Music]
i don't get it yeah i was right
[Music]
this is demonic and profane every deal i
propose to raise money for the poor and
the needy
you tell me it's illegal
would you please turn up the heat please
be scrupulous reverend i beg you
nobody wants your underwear all right i
think i has a solution
i am willing to take a capital gamble
and transfer all the investors capital
into one of my non-private organizations
now in a short time
does anybody have a big leaf [ __ ] took
all the furniture
[Music]
why this guy really knows how to live
[Music]
oh reverend you're not the puck
[Music]
thank you so much for sending me free
now let betty set you free
oh you big man you hallelujah brother
betty is ready
today we will begin our group therapy
session
which will hopefully enable us to better
understand ourselves
who we are and why we have chosen a life
of crime
i decided to focus my attention on sally
rich
and i've asked harrison and raymond
tesler
to role play her parents
okay
i don't know what's the matter with our
daughter darling she's
constantly stealing from the charity
boxes supposedly going to the poor
underprivileged people in the third
world country
what's wrong with that she's really a
good girl
i mean look she needs time she didn't
mean to steal
or murder anyone hmm she's also
a harlot i caught her in bed with the
mailman
the milkman and the butler and all at
the same time too
what's wrong with that
she's a loving girl she gives of herself
that's what i'm talking about she gives
off herself to everybody
face the fact darling our daughter is
deviant
unscrupulous and a [ __ ]
and those are her best qualities
thank you oh
thank you i can't believe it
appreciated it
[Music]
i've checked out several of the inmates
sir i haven't got anything yet
what's that matter with you we should
have found something by now i want
evidence not excuses
check the blonde bimbos room again don't
worry sir if there's anything going on
illegal here i'll get our man
or woman
hey hey who you talking to on the
telephone
my uh my electrologist oh i have this
terrible problem with unruly nasal hair
as you can see get away from me huh i
don't trust you for a minute
i don't know what you're up to but i
swear i'm gonna watch every movie make
till i find out what's going on here
don't think i'm not aware of every
little thing that goes on
[Music]
why don't you buzz off hey you remember
what i said
this guy is a serious [ __ ]
oh angelica say it ain't so
i just wanted to tell you how
you're the first person who's ever
treated me with dignity and respect
helped me to gain self-confidence and
even some measure of grace and
refinement
i think we've both had enough to dream
oh oh allow me howard
uh you know angelica
you should always remember that it's
a terrible thing to break the law you
should always try to be a
good and law-abiding person
oh howard you're something else
i mean when you've had too much to drink
in your defenses
you become even more honest
just another reason why i love you
why i admire you so much
[Music]
[Music]
waiter yes sir could you remove this
table please
yes sir right away
[Music]
[Applause]
[Music]
uh
yes it is i'd like to transfer some
money
into my account sweetie
what is your account number 314-9212
thank you very much thank
please harrison tess please stop it i
mean making me nervous look i'm insecure
enough
none of us has even met this real estate
syndicator before you're such a worry
bird test
you know that don't you i can't believe
you here we are doing business legally
for the first time in our lives
and you look like somebody who's having
a difficult time with menopause
well i'm sorry tess this is the new me
i'm merely asserting my femininity
tess are you lucky you're not a woman
come in
hello boys hi how do you do
you must be fred and you must be
abnormal
you're just going through a phase don't
apologize for me tess
let's just cut to the quick okay
everybody knows you you're losing money
everybody knows that nobody's buying
your houses
right and the market is dead eh
it's a dead market so what i've done i'm
about to take
everything all of your houses off your
hands
i'm buying everything i'm giving you a
fair price
and here here's the contract
[Music]
you've got a deal i'm so proud of both
of you
you have actually made a legal business
deal
congratulations oh good now maybe i'm
getting my shorts
back could you hold on just one moment
i'm putting my associate on the line all
right angelica
go ahead close the deal howard i can't
do this
i don't have any experience and i
certainly don't have the background or
formal training to talk to a vice
president of a major company
hey don't be intimidated you don't need
any background or formal training to
succeed in business
all you need is common sense and
practical decision making and you've got
that
okay wait wait wait you can do this
all yourself you don't need those
glasses
just try it okay
hello this is angelica speaking
i want you to get all the employees
together we've got the funds in place
let's get this leverage buy out
done
[Music]
just make sure the chairman of the board
gets his half million in cash
howard what are you doing you know
that's not legal
um
well well i finally caught you doing
something
illegal i didn't know what it was but i
knew you were up to no good
we try to give people like you a break
polk
but you don't deserve it you're the scum
of the earth
and i'm here to see that you suffer
yeah what are you gonna do
i love darling oh no no not that
not joshua
[Music]
forgive me reverend for i have sinned
haven't we all i remember when i was a
little baby look sister
save us all a lot of time why don't you
just ask him for forgiveness and we'll
call it a day hallelujah
you see i was the only baby in the
family
my mommy and daddy spoiled me they were
always bringing me wonderful things the
toy
the teddy bear training bra oh
what was that i heard about a training
bra they brought me up with
good strong traditional values
but unfortunately i fell in love with
the criminal
who framed me and i promised myself
i would never let that happen again
oh reverend i think i'm falling in love
with another criminal
i knew she couldn't resist me take your
party
listen sister you got to stop biting
your feelings
you got to let him know how you really
feel hallelujah
but he's a criminal look we all flesh
under the skin
now you just asking for forgiveness lest
we forget
covet thy neighbor as i said hallelujah
i think i got it now
now over here i have something i know
you're going to love
it was constructed during the neo-toe
post patio period
it's called demon with large feet
angelica we have nothing to talk about
eight hundred dollars eight hundred
dollars
ma'am i want you to look at these feet
angelica i i know how upset you must be
but
i had a very very good reason for acting
the way i did
oh howard i am so disappointed in you
i mean you of all people you've always
preached to me the importance of being
honest and trustworthy
why did you do this
i shouldn't be telling you this but
i am an undercover agent for the fbi
please don't insult me i'm not a bimbo
anymore fifteen hundred dollars fifteen
hundred dollars
do i hear seventeen hundred dollars
angelica if you don't believe me
here's my identification card come on
that looks nothing like you
well that's because i'm undercover now
angelica i had to protect my cover so
i pretended to be crooked please
please you've got to believe me
you're just asking for forgiveness and
we call it a day
oh howard of course i believe you
i'm sorry forever doubting you i should
have used my common sense
two thousand dollars two thousand
dollars
two thousand dollars once two thousand
dollars twice
two thousand dollars sold to the woman
sitting next to the undercover fbi agent
angelica this is your phone bill from
your bungalow
apparently you've been making an awful
lot of calls to switzerland
not me the only long-distance calls i
made were
to south yemen fair and norway and
that's only because i accidentally
dialed too many numbers
well apparently all these calls were
made right around noon time
it's almost new now why don't we go back
to your bungalow
[Music]
this is ridiculous
gracias
it's a shame that gracias is the only
word i speak or understand in spanish
me too what are we going to do
if only we had something else to go on
besides deposit slips and my phone
well i have a feeling that any second we
are gonna get a phone call that's gonna
help
us bust this thing wide open
yes she is may i ask who's calling
swiss national pacific bank
uh what is this regarding
really well who asked you to call here
i see no
she will not be transferring any money
today
um could i get the number you're calling
from please
thank you very much what happened
he was told to call this number every
day at noon
but i never hear it mean exactly
however someone is picking up this phone
and transferring funds into a dummy
account under your name
i don't have any proof i'll bet that
burke boyle is implicated in all this
somehow
morton boyle why do you think he's
involved
well when you've been doing this as long
as i have you tend to have a visceral
deep-seated inborn innate intuitive
instinctive inherent intrinsic
i don't know what you call it
premonition for lack of a better word
i think i'm gonna pay mr boyle a little
visit i'll meet you at the party
this shouldn't take me very long can i
go with you no
whoever is doing this is very dangerous
now angelica i don't want you involved
in this
any more than you already are stay away
from bert's office
[Music]
hey what are you doing with all this
luggage
i'm afraid i'm going off by myself i'm
gonna leave you behind
but first i gotta tie you up over here
oh
you're two tight white man
what you're going to do to me white man
we're going to spoil and violate me
aren't you a white man you know
i'm originally from indianapolis
[Music]
wow
[Music]
this foreplay is killing me
[Music]
[Music]
but really i think i'm worth the wait
huh
apparently boyle opened up two savings
accounts
one under angelica's name and one under
his he stole money from the club fed
charity fund and
and deposited it into her account using
the phone from her bungalow when she
wasn't there
then he later transferred it into his
account using a private telephone
everything conveniently leading back to
her
you did an incredible job uh you
accomplished
exactly what i wanted to do i'm so proud
of you agent nine seven six lovely pink
puppet sprite
do me a favor call me howard hi i'm mina
is this the party line
no no sorry
hey howie what's that
um a swiss savings account number of
boils
yeah i'll need that to transfer the
money to safekeeping
three four nine one two oh
wonderful dirty double crochet he's not
going to get away with that
i'm going to set up a press conference
for tomorrow morning at 6 00 a.m
we're going to expose the club fences of
what it really is and send those
criminals back behind
maximum security bars where they belong
what are you talking about
the criminals didn't do anything wrong
it was boyle
hello hello
[Applause]
hello
i couldn't have planned it any better
i get all the money oil and angelica get
busted
club that is overthrown what a great way
to end the day
thanks to you hooligan knows i have
money in my account and he's planning a
great big double cross but he's not
going to get away with it because i'm
just transferring my money to
a different account i'm out of here just
after the press conference
you wouldn't be interested in taking me
along would you i have a nice smile
terrific personality and i know a lot of
great
bed and breakfast places sorry i'm tying
you up down the basement
eventually somebody's going to find you
but it's going to be too late
i got this nice bomb for my birthday and
i've been just waiting to use it
and you're the perfect person for it
yeah i'm sure i'll get a big bang out of
it
you know before i met you the doctors
told me i was frigid
and i think that that's why i was such
an intolerable person and why
why i turn to a life of crime but you
tame
me you have transformed me
and given me a new lease on life oh god
you're
wonderful i feel like singing it's on
your world
i sent you one for
me i'm
[Music]
during the press conference at precise
6am you're gonna join your ancestors
uh angelica will be arrested for murder
wait bert wait wait
if i were you i just give myself up hey
come on look you've stolen an incredible
amount of money from charity
you're about to kill an innocent man and
frame an innocent woman for murder
come on god hey what could a vile
detestable person like yourself
possibly do after this for an encore
you got me on that one
[Music]
[Music]
where is he big guy i don't know i was
just asked to guard this door
get out of here there's a bob said to go
off any minute save yourself
don't worry howard i know how to
disconnect bombs you do
yes oh
i don't like the side of that music be
prepared to meet your
maker uh could we please take this
disagreement to a different place
there's a bomb about to go off here
i'm going to kill you with my bare hands
i don't know who you are or what you
want but i'm a little bit busy right now
do you think we should talk later oh
that sounds like a good idea maybe we
could all go bowling or something
i'm going to enjoy this
what not to worry howard i just
disconnected the positive
and negative circuits this bomb is not
going up
how did you know what to do when i lived
with louie he used to get bumps into him
all the time
oh you lived with my
[Music]
i think i managed to unbutton my wrong
sleeve who do you want to donate your
organs
to maybe we should reconsider that
bowling idea that sounded like a lot of
[Music]
[Music]
fun
any dying requests i'd like to get
married
have children of a big house
[Music]
wait wait wait you wouldn't hit a girl
with glasses on would you please
let her take her glasses off first i'll
let you take your glasses off
you're gonna die before you can see your
life pass
before you
[Music]
yeah i was right about that sleep what
happened to her
all right it's a long story come on
let's get out of here
you really are suffering you know that i
don't know what was more impressive you
beating up that neanderthal woman or
deserving the bomb
i've been beating up
welcome ladies and gentlemen i've called
this
press conference to make the public
aware of what has been going on
here at club since its opening
the fbi has had a an undercover agent
posing as a convict working behind the
scenes
and due to his fine work we have exposed
the corrupt system of this so-called
penal institution matter of fact we have
compiled conclusive proof that one of
the inmates
namely angel nickaposalapalooza
has been stealing money from club fed
that had been designated for charity
i promise you that she will be
prosecuted to the fullest extent of the
law
this just goes to show you that once a
criminal
always a criminal and this mickey mouse
operation
is nothing more than a waste of the
taxpayers money
we should never pass never give
preferential treatment to crooks just
because they happen to be rich
now we can put them back where they
belong in the first place
behind bars and we will close the gates
of club fed
forever
[Music]
something very disturbing is ultimately
brought to my attention it seems that
this
uh pair of bumpulos was not alone
in her operation there was another
person besides
puzzle octopus who was misappropriating
funds and what is so
shocking and so disheartening is that he
is not one of the criminals he is
as i was saying what is so shocking and
so is his heart
[Music]
i used to think that it was a close
personal friend of mine
we used to eat at each other's houses
for dinner no
i set him up with his third wife when i
was sick he donated a kidney
coal in his flea now i know that he is a
criminal
and an attempted murderer he is none
other than
bird boy
i am agent 976 lovely pink pup and
aromatic spray the undercover agent
assigned to this case
and i have proof that yes there was a
misappropriation of funds
but it was vince hooligan and bert boyle
who are responsible
not angelica topless
now i have been here and i have been
part of this system
i have seen hardened lifelong criminals
rehabilitated
before my very eyes club fed
should be allowed to continue because
club
bed works
[Applause]
before club fed i was vain
and materialistic i was very much into
my looks
all i wanted was diamonds furs a winter
retreat in palm springs
ski chalet in saint maritz park avenue
apartment
assorted vintage touring sedans lately
honey
i think they get the idea okay
well my point is that i wanted those
things and i didn't care
how i got them now i still want those
things
but i care how i get them i think
everybody should spend at least six
months at club fed
to learn the difference between right
and wrong and to acquire
knowledge self-respect and
[Applause]
[Music]
sophistication
[Music]
wow
thanks to all of you
i'm going to leave here a different
[Music]
[Applause]
person
not only do i regret everything that
i've done
but i also intend to pay back all
the people that i've taken advantage of
as i know we all want to do hallelujah
thank you for coming to club fed
harrison and the reverend lived happily
ever after
fbi director vince hooligan got 20 years
in a maximum security prison
where he commissioned his mother to
write his memoirs
sally ridge was never discovered
burt boyle has been running away from
the law for over 20 years
he's never been captured but has however
won marathons
all over the world as for me
i became the fbi director in married
angelica who became the new warden
we later went on to star in club fed 2 3
4 5 6 7
8 9 ten eleven
twelve through nineteen boys
[Music]
34 was a good
[Music]
we one getting fat but we look real cute
there's no getting over on the man with
the gun
and time sure flies when you're having
[Music]
fun
46 47 48 was the one we shot in europe
[Music]
working
working on
[Music]
club fed 72 love fed 73
with the little goat 74 75
[Music]
76.
[Music]
[Applause]
[Applause]
all
[Music]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
working on the changes
[Music]
[Applause]
where do we go
[Applause]
[Music]
[Applause]
oh
[Applause]
[Music]
you