Cloudburst (2011) - full transcript
A lesbian couple escape from their nursing home and head up to Canada to get married. Along the way, they pick up a young, male hitchhiker.
♪
[radio plays]
They had tequila again,
finally.
Hello.
- Hello.
Stella.
- What?
There's something l've been
meaning to ask you for ages.
What?
What does it mean to swiffer?
To what?
To swiffer.
lt's all over the television,
and l cannot make out...
...what it is.
lt's like a push thingy.
What?
Yeah, like, a...mop.
A mop?
Yeah, flat mop.
lt's a fucking mop?
These girls make it sound
like something that would...
...give you multiple orgasms.
Well, Dotty, any mop
can give you an orgasm.
♪
The sun is about
one inch above the horizon,
changing color from yellow to red.
Like a blood orange.
Some dangerous clouds look like
they could burst out any minute.
Tide is high, running out.
Ferguson's already got his traps,
and he's almost around the point.
What shapes are the clouds?
There's a donkey,
carrying two nuns and a beagle.
[laughs] Racing across the sky.
[continues laughing]
What are you watching?
lt's a love scene.
[moans from the television]
Pretty long love scene.
lt's a porno.
Where did you get porno?.
The gas station.
lt's not really a porno.
Well, it sounds like porno.
lt says, on the box,
they're amateurs.
All women?
Of course.
lmagine, you can buy
lesbian porn at the gas station.
There's a whole wall of it.
They make that for men.
The hell they do.
[buzzing sound]
Oh, Stella, would you open
your side of the flap, please.
lt wasn't me.
lt was you.
l felt your ass vibrate.
That wasn't my ass.
Ah, what is it...
Ah, no, Stella.
No, no, no, no.
[vibrating sound] Zzzt, brrr...
Ah, Stella.
Stop it.
[laughing]
Get off me. Stop it.
Oh, oh...
Oh, wait a minute.
Did you land on the cat?
Hairball.
Oh, shut up.
Oh, there.
You're a wimp.
And you're a walrus.
Ah, no, no, no,
it hurts too much.
lt hurts my ass.
My arm, everywhere.
l think l'm broken...
...l just feel lucky Nonna
didn't lie on the floor...
...until she starved to death...
Or the cat ate her.
How can you talk that way
about your grandmother?
Oh, Stella, l'm just playing
the devil's advocate.
Well, the devil's got a pretty
good hold on me already,
so just relax.
Well, being Nonna's only living family,
l always knew this day would come.
You knew she would sprain her ass?
l have reserved a space for Nonna...
...in a long-term care facility in Bangor.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can stay in the house...
...for as long as it takes for you
to make other arrangements.
You've been Nonna's best friend for,
well for as long as l can remember.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Stella.
Get out.
Or get your ass kicked out.
Now, you do not talk to me that way.
Whoa.
You could have burned me.
lf l wanted to burn you,
l'd put your head in the oven,
and light it.
Wha... Oh.
Out.
Out, out, out, out.
Out of here.
Out. Bitch.
Bitch.
Get off my property.
This is my grandmother's house, Stella.
Since before she met you.
My mother was born in this house.
[engine revs] [horn beeping]
No.
[brakes squeal]...
...[crying]
Bad news, Stella.
Bad news from the doctor.
He says it's going to be
six weeks before you can...
...slap my ass again.
Then get yourself ready.
[laughs]
Oh, did Molly call to see you at the house?
She was really sorry she missed you here.
Yeah.
Did you have a good visit?
What?
l'm looking for any trace
of irony in your face.
Did they, uh...
give you any pain killers?
Yes, and l'm gonna hide them
on you, Stella.
They'll be no more Vodka Vicodans for you.
Ativan Amaretto, actually.
Well, if Earl never saw
a naked woman wash a truck,
he was way overdue.
Now, get in the car before
l smack both your asses.
Hello, Earl.
Hello, Dotty.
Step down, step down.
Oh, you're a Godsend.
God bless you.
Want me to fix you some lunch?
Yes.
- l'll do it.
She's going on a diet.
OK, l'll be off.
Later, lnez.
These papers say that we release Stella...
...from any responsibility
because of your fall.
When an older person
has an accident like this,
social services looks into it.
This just releases Stella
of any responsibility.
Seems a bit like overkill to me, but, fine...
Where do l sign?
Right there.
l don't understand why you can't be...
...more patient with Molly.
l've been a dyke for 70 years,
living with the same woman for 30.
How long am l supposed to be patient?
Somebody's being stupid,
you talk to them.
you don't throw things at them.
There were no words for what l was feeling.
Besides, l promised Dotty..
You promised Dotty what?
That l wouldn't tell Molly.
When was this?
19...86.
Oh, Stella,
for God's sake, come on.
No, you come on.
All of you come on.
After three decades,
l'm supposed to explain.
You got it - what is she, stupid?
No argument there.
You won't tell Stella about this?
l will not tell Stella.
She'd go into a tantrum for a week.
Everything is going to be OK, Nonna.
l am not gonna let
anything bad happen to you.
Yes, l know love.
Cunt.
Bullshit.
You're not taking her anywhere.
We have a court order, Stella.
Nonna is coming with me,
and she is going to live...
...where people with training
can take care of her.
Who the fuck's got more training...
...taking care of Dotty than me?.
l am sorry, Stella.
But l have got to get Nonna
to Bangor before 5:00.
Oh, they only take care of her
'til 5:00, hmm?
Tommy, go get Nonna,
while l continue...
...to talk to Stella.
No, no, stop.
Stella.
Stop, you prick.
Stop.
[grunting]
Stella. That is it.
You are assaulting a police officer.
He's a trespasser
trying to kidnap an invalid.
OK, Uncle.
l don't understand what the problem is.
They obviously don't want to be separated.
Why did l marry you if you
won't enforce my court order?.
l won't do it Moll.
The facility is for special needs people.
Nonna is blind,
Stella is, just obstinate,
and that doesn't count.
They won't take her.
Then we find something else.
We?
And when we say we,
we mean me.
100% of the expense and the work, right?
Huh?
They're in love, Moll.
l love my grandmother too,
and l am trying--
They're in love.
They love each other.
They're...
They're?
You know, clam smashers.
They have clams in Bangor.
They're lesbians, Moll.
Hello.
Oh, Tommy, listen to yourself.
Nonna is my grandmother.
She...
...gave birth to my mother,
by heterosexual means.
Nonna's not a lesbian, Einstein.
But that would color Stella's opposition.
You might be right about Stella.
l won't do it.
[sighs]...
...[crying]...
Hon, l'm not--
- Don't.
[crying]
Hello.
Ma'am, you have to go
with your granddaughter.
Bullshit.
- Where are we going?
Nowhere.
- Calm yourself, Stella.
You get your hands off me,
you little twerp.
Stella, stop.
You should say goodbye.
l'm not saying goodbye.
[grunting]
Get your...
Stella, l've known you my whole life.
Please don't make me hurt you.
She's taking you to an old folks home.
To cremate you.
You're going to cremate me?
Not right away.
You fucking cow.
l'll grab you by your
stinking twat, and tear it open.
Out through your chin.
Do you hear this?
You were my little league
coach, you're freaking me out.
Nonna, this is what the judge decided.
What judge?
Fuck the judge.
Just drive away.
Go.
[engine starts]
Dot...
...[horn beeping]
Bitch. Bitch.
You stupid, cock-sucking pig.
You little dick.
You piss-face monkey.
You were a shitty little shortstop,
but l stood by you.
l'm gonna kick your ass.
Do not threaten a police officer.
Fuck you.
Fuck you too, Grandma.
l'm not your grandma,
Tommy Barkaski.
But l did get to second base
with her - in the 7th grade.
♪...
...♪ l have time on my hands ♪...
...♪ Time to make some plans ♪...
...♪ Time to take a different ♪...
...♪ Point of view ♪...
...♪ l have time to be wrong ♪...
...♪ Time to stare ♪...
...♪ All night long... ♪...
...[siren wails in distance]...
...[knocking on door]
Sorry, dear.
lt's about time.
You know you're not supposed
to be out there after 8:30.
lt's like being nine years old...
...all over again.
Hey, l don't make the rules.
That's what Joseph Goebbels said.
[snoring]...
...[chattering]
You brought your slippers.
You scared me.
Did they get you too?
Hardly.
Did you bring mine?
Your what?
- My slippers.
Shhh. You have a roommate.
She's a druggy - Wilma.
They put her to sleep
with a horse tranquilizer.
She'll never wake up.
Dotty, are you OK?
l'm fine.
l was just waiting for you to show up.
l was really pissed off when
the visiting hours were over.
l'm here undercover.
So is Wilma, she says she's
in the Secret Service,
except l told her that's
the worst possible way...
...of keeping a secret.
They, they've put you in
with a crazy person?.
Yes. To ease my transition
from three decades with you.
[elevator bell rings]
What the hell, Wilma?
All good.
- OK.
We've gotta run.
Run? l can't run.
We'll go to the left.
Come on, come on.
Blind people don't run.
There you go.
Stop, l'm opening the door.
OK.
The jackets are on the seat.
That's it.
Go on, go on, go on.
Go ahead, go ahead now.
Oh, dear.
l busted you out.
We're done, Stella.
[both laughing]...
...l'm hungry.
There's a picnic basket.
Let's go to the diner.
Don't we have to get farther out of town?
l'm hungry now.
Try some rhubarb?
You're eating pie for breakfast?
Oh.
Why does everybody
in the world think they know...
...what's best for me?
We need a lawyer.
Maddy's boy, Manny.
He's a real estate lawyer.
Could l have one of your...
You know, l saw this TV show.
Rosie O'Donnell took a bunch
of dykes on a cruise...
...to Nova Scotia.
Then this flock of lesbians
got married there.
Flock?
Well, that's what they call us
when we're in a group.
You know, a gaggle of gays,
a flock of lesbians,
like in nature.
Stella, are you...
...proposing to me?
Maybe.
Are you down on one knee?
Yeah.
l don't believe in marriage.
l was married, remember?
And that was like having a brain clot.
l loved you for 31 years.
l loved you when you got fat,
and l loved you when you went blind...
...l'm gonna love you forever.
Maybe l don't want to be...
...tied down forever.
Although, you know, maybe we
could work out some sort...
...of trial commitment.
How about a hundred years?
l was thinking of six months.
75 years.
5 years.
35.
Do l get credit for time served?
No.
- No.
31 years.
Well, l have lived with you
for 31 years, so l suppose...
...l could put up with you for another 31.
31 -year, trial commitment.
That's a deal.
That's a deal.
And then we can see other people.
Where should we do it?
Do what?
Get married.
Where should we get married?
Oh... Paris.
We got to go someplace where it's legal.
Canada.
We'll drive to Canada,
and we'll get legally married.
Then no one can separate us.
Great.
Now...
Oh, come on.
One.
My bag.
Which way should we go?
Anywhere that says north.
[engine starts, radio plays]...
...♪ How the times have changed ♪...
...♪ My, how our lives... ♪...
...[phone ringing]
The police were here.
l didn't tell them anything.
We've decided to go--
Tommy over here all the time.
lf l know anything l'll fold like a wet blanket.
Yeah, we're gonna--
Drive carefully.
Tommy's got an all points bulletin...
...on both of you.
All right.
Sure, thanks.
Bye.
All points bulletin?
How many points are there?
They're looking for us,
the police.
Well, let's just stop and get a lawyer.
After we're married.
Oh, Stella.
You're so stubborn.
We should pick up this kid.
Why?
Adding to our group will confuse anyone...
...looking for two old broads.
Does he look safe?
Not really.
Pull up your pants, kid.
You're humping the wrong fire hydrant.
Hey...
...l'm Prentice.
Hey.
Now don't eat everything.
We'll stop for lunch.
l don't know if they have food in Canada.
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who is this?
What?
k. d. lang.
This is k. d. lang.
Jesus Anne Heche Christ.
He's very young, Stella.
That's no excuse.
She's obsessed.
l am not obsessed.
Yes, you are.
You want her.
Maybe you should marry k. d. lang.
Well, don't think l wouldn't.
Pretty sweet.
Sweet, my ass.
Savory...
Delicious.
lf l were on death row,
l'd request my final meal be...
...right between k.d. lang's legs.
Wow...
So, where are you going, Prentice?
Home, for my mother's funeral.
Oh, l'm very sorry to hear that.
How did she die?
Oh, she ain't dead yet.
l'm going home before she dies,
and then l'm hoping...
...to stay for her funeral.
And what is it that's-- that's killing her?
Bacteria.
Bacteria?
Yeah, it's in her lungs.
Bacteria.
That's terrible.
l'm really sorry.
How long do you think she's got?
Not long.
l wouldn't want to die from bacteria.
How old is your mother, Prentice?
l really don't know.
She's been lying about it for so long.
Mountain lions,
rattlesnakes, maybe...
Not bacteria.
Shut up, Stella.
So where does your mother live, Prentice?
Lower Economy,
it's on your way.
Lower Economy?
Yeah.
l grew up in Upper Economy,
but my mom married...
...the roadkill collector
down in Lower Economy,
so she got resituated.
Are you fucking with me?
Wave to the waitress
or something, Stella, will you?
Somebody's gotta collect the roadkill.
lt ain't gonna move itself.
Would you folks care to see
the dessert menu?
Yes.
- No.
Just, could l have one of those, please?
Here you go.
Could you read that to me?
Prentice, you want dessert?
l do.
- Banana split?
Oh, yes, please, with cream.
You have tequila?
We don't have a license, sir.
Beer?
No liquor at all.
No liquor?
Not an lrish coffee,
not a rum raisin thing?
We have a rum raisin cookie.
Have a cookie, Stella.
Oh, fantastic.
Stella?
[laughs]...
...l thought...
You seemed familiar.
You know, if that skirt was any shorter,
you'd need another hair net.
[laughs]
Can you drive this truck?
Yeah, awesome.
What's wrong with you now?
The waitress - she recognized me.
The waitress did not recognize you.
She said, l looked familiar.
Apparently, like her uncle.
They're looking for us.
Who's looking for us?
The police.
The police and the waitresses,
or just the police?
Dammit.
They put out an all points bulletin.
Stella, have you ever
received an all points bulletin?
Ha, ha.
l doubt that your friend,
the hash-slinging waitress,
has ever seen one either.
You don't know that.
But l know you're paranoid.
Was l paranoid when
the cops came to the house,
held me down and took you away?
He held you down?
Do you think there's any chance in hell...
...l would have let them
drive off with you otherwise?
Whoa, are you two running from the law?
Yes.
- No.
Awesome.
♪ Ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we know what we're doing ♪...
...♪ And ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we're not afraid to care... ♪...
...l don't want to go without you, Stella.
We have to split up,
just 'til we cross the border.
Then, we'll meet up.
Why can't we just go back?
We will go back,
but not 'til after.
Ah, Stella, please.
After.
OK, all right, OK.
Prentice?
Yeah.
Castration awaits you if
you steal my truck...
...or abandon Dotty.
l won't let you down.
Here.
You still look like a hooker.
Stella, good luck.
l'm gonna loop back around
and take the old road.
[horn beeps]
Buddy, get off the road.
Assholes.
Passports.
Here you go.
Where you going?
Taking Granny to a wedding.
Who's getting married?
Her, uh...
...l am.
Go on through.
Thanks.
lf you wave your hand like
that in front of my face again,
l will bite it off.
Stella, what takes you to Canada?
l'm gonna meet up with Dotty.
Get away from her
cunt-face granddaughter.
l, uh, wish you wouldn't use the 'c' word.
What are you, crazy?
Cunt is for punctuation l love cunt.
Cunt is a temple...
Cunt is fast foods.
Cunt...
Pussy...
Snatch...
Mmm, just saying the words
makes me drool.
Vagina - what the hell is that?
Sounds like a disease, huh?
To me it sounds virginal.
That's how we say it down home - vir-gi-na.
No, no, no.
l don't like virgins, no.
l like them good and stretched,
so l can crawl right back up...
...in there and do yoga.
Well, it's different for men.
We like things snug, tight.
You should get bigger penises.
Tight...
That's why God gave us
a poop shoot, Arnold.
Go get a DVD, for fuck's sake.
Amateurs are doing it.
All right.
Why are we stopping?
You have to take a leak?
l'd like you to get out, please.
l'm OK.
l don't want you in my car.
What the fuck's wrong with you?
Dirtiest mouth in Christendom.
Take that stick out
of your ass and suck on it,
you tight son of a bitch.
Asshole.
Where were you hitching from?
New York.
l used to dance there.
Ah, you were a stripper.
Modern.
Although, sometimes,
they ain't that different.
l, uh...
...l peed on stage once.
What?
Yeah.
lnto a bucket.
Oh, no.
My 'choreographer' convinced me...
...l was pushing the art form.
Oh, well, you were.
Yeah.
Then one night l literally forgot -...
...and just peed before the show.
And, you know, you sweat,
under those lights...
Um hmm.
Anyway, when it came time
to pee on stage,
nothing came out.
And it was...
...it was just so humiliating.
lt was humiliating not to pee on the stage?
Well, exactly.
Your moral compass was spinning.
That's what my husband used to say to me.
Well, l pulled at it,
you know, to try to get--
Pulled at what?
At... it...
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
To try to get some pee,
you know, and l, uh...
...l just ended up with a boner instead.
Was the audience scandalized?
Nope.
lt was the biggest
standing ovation l ever got.
What? No way.
Yeah. Apparently l was
pushing the art form.
What did the Village Voice write?
l... elevated...
...the art form...
By about 7 and a half inches.
[laughs] Well, don't worry.
That's half an inch more than Baryshnikov.
[laughs] Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
l think you should just go and get her.
She's not going to get a ride.
And even if she does,
they won't make the 20 miles...
...without kicking her out
with that mouth of hers.
So l'll just sit here and wait for you, no?
Well, yeah, but,
if they're looking for you--
Nobody's looking for her.
She thinks everybody's looking for her.
She thinks the lRS, the ClA,
the Moral Majority,
everyone's looking for her.
Stella said she'd cut off
my balls if l left you.
[laughs] Well, l can tell you that if
Stella ever saw your balls,
she'd faint.
Well, she wouldn't be the first.
[laughs] ls that a step...
...or what is it?
Oh, that's a curb.
There's a chair in front of you.
There?
- ln front.
Fine. Bye.
Good luck.
Oh.
Chica boom, chica boom,
chica boom boom...
...[distance horn beep]...
...[beeping horn]
Come on.
Where the hell is Dotty?
Canada.
All right, let's go.
She's fine.
lf she's not,
l'm leaving your head...
...on the side of the road.
And who are you?
His woman.
She's not my woman.
We're not a...
...l'm a cougar.
Are you married?
His wife doesn't know.
Can you step out of the car, please?
l'm not cheating on my wife
with this woman.
l couldn't care less, sir.
l just want to make sure
there's no misunderstanding.
Just open up the bag, sir.
Whose drugs are these?
Not mine.
Mine.
Your name is Dorothy?
On weekends.
Oh, Lord.
Why are you carrying
drugs across the border?
l'm a hitchhiker.
l don't know anything about his drugs.
l thought you said you were his mistress.
l lied.
Why'd you lie?
Hitchhiking is illegal.
How'd it go?
Great.
- Horrible.
Did you get stopped?
She told them she was my girlfriend.
Oh, Stella, why do you
cause everyone such grief?.
What grief?
We're here, aren't we?
l was throwing them off our scent.
l learned that back in the 1 950s.
lf you got caught
on a date with another woman,
you had to make up a story
that was even more scandalous.
Like, uh...
My husband got Doris here pregnant,
and l'm getting her the abortion money.
That kind of thing.
The only thing that keeps them
from sniffing around for dirt...
...is finding it.
So, you give them dirt.
lt keeps the moral squad off your back.
Oh, you see, Prentice,
l forgot the moral squad.
Yeah, well,
it would have been fine,
but you see, we still had
your drugs in the truck.
What?.
- Oh, yeah.
And she sold me out.
She told them they were my drugs.
No. Stella.
We got through.
Yeah.
After l got strip-searched.
And cavity searched.
No.
- Oh, yeah.
'Cause she tells them l'm carrying...
...someone else's drugs.
Oh, please,
that guy just wanted to stick...
...his finger up your ass.
They didn't even run my plates.
Well, are you OK, Prentice?
Like that's the first time
a finger's been up there, huh?
l mean, are you all right for driving?
He's not driving with his asshole, Dotty.
l'm fine.
Thank you.
l just want to put the whole
thing behind me, please.
[laughs]
The whole thing behind him.
l know. Stop.
Stop, stop.
Oh, God, that's good.
[giggling]...
...[thunder rumbling]...
...l can't see a damn thing in this fog.
Welcome to my world.
l'm not right about this.
l don't feel good about this.
lt's not right.
What feels wrong?
l don't know.
The air, something.
Do you have cold feet?
l've had cold feet
for 1 5 years, bad circulation.
You know that.
Tell me about it.
lt was my ass you used to warm them up.
Oh.
Whoa. Pull over.
lt's really raining now.
Pull over.
Where? l can't.
Pull over.
Lovely rain.
There we go...
OK.
Oh, it's lovely.
Let's go for a walk.
Stay in the truck.
Come back.
Rain.
Stop.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Oh, yes.
See, it was just the rain.
Oh, Stella...
Lovely rain, Stella.
Oh, feel that, feel that.
lsn't that beautiful?
Oh, yes...
Oh, Stella...
My darling, my darling.
l love you.
Oh, Dotty, l love you.
Oh, feel that on your face.
See... lt was just...
The rain.
Yes.
Just the rain.
Oh, my God.
What?
What's wrong with you?
Oh, you won't--
- What's wrong?
Oh... Yuck.
What is it?
Prentice, naked,
washing his clothes.
l haven't done laundry in weeks.
Oh, l wish l could see...
All right, Prentice.
Do it. Woo hoo.
Yeah, well, whatever...
Kiss my ass.
Just kiss it. Here you go.
Yeah, kiss mine too.
[laughs] Look at his balls.
[both laughing]...
...♪...
...[heavy, rhythmic breathing]
Jesus H. Christ.
You little sissy.
You're a beautiful dancer, Prentice.
Hah.
You can see?
Well, l can see light...
...shapes.
You make beautiful shapes.
Thank you, Dotty.
Where are we?
Upper Economy.
Oh.
Well, we're here.
l can't believe it.
Where are we?
We're in the Upper Economy.
Hey, where's the Lower Economy?
Just down that hill.
Oh, down this road?
Well, there's only one road.
When you're in the Upper Economy,
you've got nowhere to go but down.
Jesus, it's beautiful here, Dotty.
Don't let my mother hear you
take the Lord's name in vain.
l didn't.
l changed the spelling so it
rhymes like a cheeeese snack,
and that makes it not a sin.
And, uh...
...don't tell her you're lesbians.
What should we be?
l don't know, nuns.
Ha, ha, ha, nuns.
We could be your dancing teacher.
From the Order of the Holy Shits.
Well, he was dancing, Stella.
They don't have
blind dance teachers, Dotty.
Oh, yes, they do.
We could be your backup singers...
Oh, yeah, like Dawn.
He doesn't remember Dawn.
Well like dusk, anyway.
They should reunite after 50 years,
Tony Orlando and Dusk.
And Telma Hopkins, she was one
tall drink of kahlua.
lf l had one night with Telma Hopkins...
Hey, you know, you could...
...just drop me off.
♪ So let's say Goodbye to Gypsy ♪...
...♪ Hello, Mary Jo ♪...
...♪ Say has anybody seen my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Gypsy Rose ♪...
...l need to use your bathroom,
or shit on your front lawn.
Your choice.
OK, but it's really early for them.
So, you have to be quiet.
OK.
- We'll tiptoe.
You stay in the truck.
Why? You don't want
your mother to meet me?
l just...
...l don't know how to explain you.
l've never known how to explain myself.
Oh...
...l need to piss like a fucking race horse.
Come on.
Are we nearly there? Please...
Yeah, there's grass.
l'm bursting.
Stair.
Step, step.
Right.
And another one.
Step, step, step, all done.
Thank you.
Here we go.
Step.
Are we there?
- Again.
This way, this way.
Turn. Turn right here.
Right?
- Yeah.
There's a little step here.
Go on straight ahead.
Straight ahead.
Please.
We're here,
and bathroom's on your left...
...ls this it? All right.
You need some help in there?
No, l can do this.
All bathrooms are the same. Thanks.
[radio plays]
Hi, Mommy.
[gasps]
Hi...
Oh, not so tight.
[coughs]
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Oh, hug me again.
[snoring]
Uh, where is he?
Sleeping.
[coughing]
What can l do for you?
There's, uh,
Cheerios or Raisin Bran.
Mix them.
Mix them?
Half and half.
Mom...
Yeah, honey.
l'm fine.
You're not fine.
l'm fine today.
l love you.
l know that.
Love you too.
Stella.
Oh, thank God.
Hello?
Hello.
[screams]
What?.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Who the fuck are you?.
l'm sorry, l'm sorry.
Ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Get off me.
Fuck, Christ...
Stella...
Stella?
Stella...
Well, Jesus Christ.
Hey, Dotty?
- Stella.
Yeah, here.
Fuck.
Come on,
you have to go around.
Go around.
OK, door open.
Hey...
Hey.
What the fuck are you doing in my house?.
Shut that door.
What the fuck are you?.
Get the fuck off my ass,
you asshole.
Hey, what the fuck
are you doing in my house?.
What the fuck?.
Come back here.
Hey, what the fuck
are you doing in my house?.
Hey...
Stella.
What did he do to you?.
Nothing. l did it to him.
l molested him.
What the fuck are you doing in my house?
What are you doing on my property?
Oh, shit.
Get off.
Come on.
You wanna fight?
Come on.
Stop the car.
Dad.
Guillaume.
[beeping horn]
Who are they?
Uh...
My dance...teachers.
[horn blaring, women yelling]
You're giving these people my breakfast?
lt's just eggs and sausage, Guillaume.
She already had my fucking sausage.
Well, now she needs a bigger one.
[chuckling]
Look, we can go to a diner.
Please. You drove my boy
all the way from Maine.
You feeling better?
Stella.
- What?
l'm fine.
l am.
Prentice didn't have to come all this way.
You're not dying?
Oh, Stella.
You don't think we're all wondering?
lt's not your place to ask.
You just don't want to be
the only elephant in the room.
You ain't dying?
See...
Not today, OK?
You have bacteria?
Come on, Stella.
Let's just go.
OK, let's go.
Goodbye, Prentice.
What?
No, no.
You're not leaving Prentice here.
He just hitch-hiked
a thousand miles to see you.
But he can't stay here.
He knows that...
We can go somewhere else.
You have money?
No.
Then don't talk to me
about going somewheres else.
Everything l have is here.
My doctor is here.
My...furniture is here.
But you hate him.
No...
...l don't...hate him.
You are such a good boy.
l am so proud of you.
So, ladies, you can see,
l have that problem.
Let's hit the road.
Who in the fuck SHAT in my bidet?.
Uh-oh.
Drive Stella, drive quickly.
[engine starts]...
...♪
Things change, Stella.
You can't hold on to the past.
You gotta live for the here and now.
Not if the here and now sucks shit.
Take it from an old broad.
There are plenty of days when,
if all l had to live for...
...was the there and then,
l woulda blown my own head off.
Some days you live for the future -...
...the one you imagine.
You know damn well
it's never gonna happen.
Prentice...
...lf you're ever lucky enough
to have a perfect day...
...don't let go of it.
Bank it.
Paint a picture of it.
You have a perfect day,
you hold on to it...
...like it's your dick.
With a firm grip,
at least twice a day.
Exactly.
♪...
...♪ Owning this land ♪...
...♪ l am ♪...
...♪ Got a mouth full of pearls
on my tongue ♪...
...♪ And there's shells in my hand ♪...
...♪ And you... ♪...
...♪ Caress my fear... ♪...
...lt's like another planet, really.
Feel... Here.
Oh, yeah...
What is that?
l don't know, really.
Oh, tide's coming in.
Oh, fug, it's an island.
Where?
Here...
...lt's a bottom of an island.
Stella, islands do not have bottoms.
You just touched it...
The bottom of an island.
The part that...
...touches the bottom of the sea.
Ah, you're drunk.
Hmmm...
Must be a tsunami.
What?.
We better go back.
We can't go back,
We walked half a mile.
Come on.
We, we, we have to run.
l can't run, Stella.
Come on.
Don't ask me to run.
Run.
[yelling in distance]
We've got to get back.
Come on.
Run.
- l can't.
Move it...
Come on, run.
Oh, my God.
Get up, you cow, get up.
There's no time for this.
Come on, now, get up.
You've got to move, come on.
Come on.
Come on, you can get up.
Come on.
l can't.
Here we go.
No, no, no, no...
Don't, Stella.
Where's that fucking kid?
l can't get up.
l know what l can do,
but l can't do it. You go.
l'm not leaving you here.
l can't get up.
We can't even have this conversation.
Ah.
Dotty, please.
l'm here.
Please.
Oh, no, l can't.
l can't Stella.
l got her, l got her.
l can't get up.
Wrap your arms around me.
l cannot get up.
Up. Up.
Ah.
We should go back this way.
lt's shorter.
Here we go.
l'm sorry.
Should have told you -
highest tides in the world.
No kidding.
All right, Dotty, all right.
[gasping]
So, where should we
drop you off, Prentice?
Well, l've got nowhere else to be.
Don't you guys need a best man?
[laughs]...
...l guess so.
Yeah, good, we do.
♪
Now which way?
Right.
How the hell would you know?
Well, you asked me.
Are we here?
We're somewhere.
Ah, fuck, it's Lunenberg.
Some navigator you are.
Shut up, Stella.
Why didn't you ask me?
l didn't want to wake you.
You need your strength.
Never know when you might have
to lift Teletubby here, again.
Leave me alone, Stella.
He said it was an old form.
Not a lot of people get married around here.
So, do you want to be
the bachelor or the spinster?
The bachelor.
Well, l don't want to be the spinster.
Oh, come on, Stella.
You can be a spinster for one day.
This is stupid.
Maybe we shouldn't fill this out.
OK, fine.
You can be the bachelor.
That's $1 1 5.
You take American?
At par...
A dollar equals a dollar.
lt's gonna take five days.
Five days?
That's the processing time.
Listen, Craig...
How many people are ahead of us
waiting for a marriage license...
...here in Bumfuck Nova Scotia?
She got it.
What? Oh, good.
♪
An inch and a half of foam, Dotty.
Oh, thank you.
To Prentice, our best man.
Our only man.
Excuse me.
Guys.
Um, uh...
...l know that you're not
at an actual wedding reception,
and you shouldn't have
to hear a speech, but...
Stella and Dot
are getting married tomorrow.
[cheers and applause]
And l'm the best man.
And the best man gets to make a toast...
So, my greatest love affair
lasted three weeks, minus a day,
which is when l asked her
to move in with me -...
...because she looked really good
mowing the lawn in a bikini top.
[crowd laughs]
And she was smart enough
to laugh in my face.
Because young love is stupid,
l guess.
Yeah.
l've never seen love
like Stella and Dot before.
Because they've been together for 30 years.
3l...
...[whistles, applause]...
...31.
They don't lose count.
'Cause you see, Dot can't see.
But she knows Stella so well,
it's like she sees her.
And only her.
And Stella...
...well, she sees everything else
so Dot doesn't have to.
[crowd laughs]
And...that's it.
l mean...
...if love is your goal,
be like these two old dykes...
...and practice.
[cheers, applause]
Have another drink,
Prentice, love.
Have another drink.
You want some beer?
Here, over here, there you go.
[giggling]
OK.
Thanks.
Want a blanket?
No, l'm all right.
What is it?
31 years.
[sighs]...
...31 years l loved Dotty,
and l never said it.
l mean, l said it to her,
sometimes,
but, to say it on paper,
before the whole world...
...l can't do it.
What? Why?
Taking Dotty on this trip...
...l nearly killed us both.
Watching her almost drown.
She's...
...she's my...
...my life.
l couldn't...
...lf you hadn't been there,
we'd both be dead.
Molly's right...
...l can't take care of Dotty anymore.
That's it.
That's it.
[phone ringing]
No, no.
You promised me, Stella.
You can't break your promise now.
lt's not gonna change anything, Dotty.
lt's not gonna make us younger.
lt's not gonna mean we can live together.
You'll still have to go
to that special care home.
And l don't need special care,
so l can't go with you.
l mean, it's not gonna mean
anything to Molly.
And it's sure as hell
not going to mean anything...
...to that damn judge.
lt's not going to not change anything.
lt's going to change everything.
You didn't even want to get married.
Yes, l did.
lt was me or the nursing home,
and l still had to twist your arm.
Oh, Stella,
that was just sour grapes.
We're not girls anymore, Stella.
We've got what -
140, 1 50 years between us.
And in all that time,
we could not get married.
Married wasn't for us.
Married was for other people,
it was for normal people.
Wasn't for me.
l couldn't have it with you,
so l didn't want it.
So l told myself it was a crock of shite...
...for helpless men and women
who didn't know what they want.
And then, wham, suddenly
l'm allowed to marry you.
And, wham, second time,
you asked me.
l think l always wanted to marry you.
You never said anything.
What was the point?
There were already enough things
that you couldn't do...
...and you couldn't have.
That's what changed everything, Stella.
l mean, if somebody else
asked me to marry them,
l would still think that marriage...
...was a crock of shite.
But then you asked me.
And you know that in a million years,
l could never, ever say no to you.
And l've got used to the idea,
so, you'll have to marry me.
After 31 years,
oh, to get married, and then...
...move away from each other.
Oh, Stella...
...lf l'm going to die
in some nursing home...
...somewhere alone,
l want to die there...
...as your wife.
And then when those
little nurses come along...
...to give me my sponge bath,
they would back off...
...because they know that my wife
will whip their tits off...
...if they lay one slimy hand on me.
Then you're gonna stink, Dotty.
Yes, l am.
Oh, Stella...
Oh, my darling Stella.
Marriage is perhaps
the greatest and the most...
...challenging adventure
of human relationships.
But no ceremony can create your marriage;
only you can do that -
through love and patience,
through talking and listening
and helping and supporting...
...and believing in each other.
Now today, we witness and affirm
your choice to stand together...
...as life mates and partners,
and the full understanding--
Nonna...
Oh, thank God. Nonna--
Molly, how did you find me?
Uh... l called her.
You called her?
Well, now we have a flower girl.
Do you think this is funny, Stella, huh?
Look, this whole freak show is over.
Nonna is coming back with me to Bangor.
Oh, no, l'm not.
l'm not going back
to that old people's home.
l mean, l know you mean well--
Nonna, this is the right time
to make the move, OK?
l already put the house--...
Molly, where are you?
- l'm here.
Keep your hands off my house, OK?
ls there a judge in the room still, please?
l'm a justice, ma'am.
Right. You tell him how you lied to me,
and how l did not sign
power of attorney over to you.
ls this true?
She told me
that l was signing an indemnity.
And she just took advantage of me -...
...an old woman,
a blind old woman -...
...just to get my house, my money,
and everything else.
Did you trick your blind grandmother...
...into signing over her bank account?
l was trying to help her.
Yes, or no.
- Yes.
But l...
...it was not like that.
You just committed fraud
and lied to the courts.
Oh. Family court.
Well, she's your grandma,
and l'm a cop.
This is really hot.
Are you kidding me?.
l am not kidding you.
Apologize to your grandma.
This is not even your jurisdiction.
lt is mine.
Sheriff, get this woman out of here, please.
l am so sorry.
[applause]
Aren't we getting married?
Later, Stella.
Molly, l promised your mother
that l would never, ever...
...tell you about Stella and me.
My mother died when l was eight.
l know.
l wanted you to come and live with us,
but she was against it.
She just wouldn't have that.
She never forgave me
for leaving your grandfather.
Neither have l.
Well...
Would you, please?
l always thought that...
Well, you never asked me to visit.
We did.
Stella and l,
we asked your father.
So it's my dead parents
l should be pissed off at?
Oh, no, that's not what l'm saying.
Oh, everything was just
so different then, Molly.
l mean,
l hardly knew your mother.
And when your grandfather died,
his whole family blamed me...
...and said that l was a bad mother,
and they just took her away.
And l was afraid that you were
just raised to think the same.
Well, l think l deserved a chance, Nonna.
l should have talked to you
about Stella and me.
But l thought it was kind of obvious.
Well, l know what lesbians look like.
l mean, l'm not stupid.
But you guys aren't exactly,
Ellen and Portia.
[laughing]...
You want your ass kicked?
- l'm sorry.
Stella doesn't hurt you,
does she?
She's not mean to you?
Oh, please.
Stella looks after me 24/7.
She's like a trained seal.
[laughing]...
...lf you would agree
to be my maid of honor,
l could get these handcuffs taken off.
Or you could leave them on,
if it's a sexual deviant theme wedding.
[laughs]
Now hold these flowers.
And when we get there,
stand there, shut up,
and mind your manners.
Tommy.
You're gonna be a flower girl
at your Nonna's wedding.
Nonna, this is crazy.
Who is going to take care of you?
Well, we struck a deal.
He's coming back with us.
He's gonna live with us,
do the driving...
...and all the heavy lifting.
What are you two old dykes
gonna do with a hot house boy?
Love him.
Spoil him.
Well, no need to worry about these two.
And Molly...
Come and visit, please,
and often.
Nothing but blue...
Blue skies, blue water.
Open.
Nothing in the way.
[laughs]...
...l can see that,
blue, in my mind.
And the wind,
it's so beautiful.
lt's a wedding present.
Thanks.
You gotta enjoy your honeymoon.
Look, Dotty,
he's trying to get us laid.
Dotty?
Stella, she ain't right.
Dotty, come on, Dotty?
Dotty?
Dotty, Dotty...
What now?.
Dotty.
Oh, dear God, Nonna.
We gotta get her to a hospital.
OK, let's get her into our car.
Here, grab on to me.
No, no, no. Prentice?
Yeah.
Where are you?
l want you to marry us now.
What?
Nonna, not now.
Now.
Um...
OK, um, um...
Friends, we are gathered
here today to, uh...
...celebrate the union of
Stella and Dot, who...
...have come a long way to be here.
And...
Do you, Dot, take Stella
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love, honor, and cherish for as long as...
...you both shall live?
l do.
And do you, Stella, take Dot,
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love, honor, and obey for as
long as you both shall live?
Yeah, l'll obey her.
You can cherish her if you want, that's...
Come on, please.
Whatever. l do.
OK, um...
As captain of this vessel
and officiant of the wedding,
l now pronounce you,
women...and wives.
Stella.
We should probably let these guys in here.
Dot had been blind since before l was born.
But she saw more in me
than anybody else ever did.
This was a favorite piece of hers.
Uh, could you just, like,
back up a bit?
Little bit.
Yeah, that, that's fine.
♪...
...♪ We were very happy ♪...
...♪ At least l thought we were ♪...
...♪ Can somebody tell me ♪...
...♪ What's got into her... ♪
Oh, please tell me...
...he is not dancing
on my grandmother's grave.
[laughing]...
...♪ Who'd believe she'd leave us ♪...
...♪ To join the burlesque show ♪...
...♪ Say, has anybody seen my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Gypsy Rose? ♪...
...♪ Here's her picture
when she was my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Mary Jo ♪...
...♪ Now she's got ♪...
...♪ Rings on her fingers ♪...
...♪ And bells on her toes ♪...
...♪ Say has anybody seen my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Gypsy Rose... ♪...
...[Stella laughing]...
...[birds singing]
Are you sad?
No, somehow.
l'm sorry.
lt's the saddest thing in the world.
l'm 80 years old, Prentice.
Nothing is forever.
Dotty loved it here.
She looked at it so often,
l think she could see it
even when she was blind.
Ahh, look at that sky.
What does that cloud look like to you?
A fat lady dancing.
Hmm...
...l mean, your honeymoon...
You waited 31 years,
and you only had that one day.
Best fucking day of my life.
♪...
...♪ Ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we know what we're doing ♪...
...♪ Ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we're not afraid to care... ♪
♪
[radio plays]
They had tequila again,
finally.
Hello.
- Hello.
Stella.
- What?
There's something l've been
meaning to ask you for ages.
What?
What does it mean to swiffer?
To what?
To swiffer.
lt's all over the television,
and l cannot make out...
...what it is.
lt's like a push thingy.
What?
Yeah, like, a...mop.
A mop?
Yeah, flat mop.
lt's a fucking mop?
These girls make it sound
like something that would...
...give you multiple orgasms.
Well, Dotty, any mop
can give you an orgasm.
♪
The sun is about
one inch above the horizon,
changing color from yellow to red.
Like a blood orange.
Some dangerous clouds look like
they could burst out any minute.
Tide is high, running out.
Ferguson's already got his traps,
and he's almost around the point.
What shapes are the clouds?
There's a donkey,
carrying two nuns and a beagle.
[laughs] Racing across the sky.
[continues laughing]
What are you watching?
lt's a love scene.
[moans from the television]
Pretty long love scene.
lt's a porno.
Where did you get porno?.
The gas station.
lt's not really a porno.
Well, it sounds like porno.
lt says, on the box,
they're amateurs.
All women?
Of course.
lmagine, you can buy
lesbian porn at the gas station.
There's a whole wall of it.
They make that for men.
The hell they do.
[buzzing sound]
Oh, Stella, would you open
your side of the flap, please.
lt wasn't me.
lt was you.
l felt your ass vibrate.
That wasn't my ass.
Ah, what is it...
Ah, no, Stella.
No, no, no, no.
[vibrating sound] Zzzt, brrr...
Ah, Stella.
Stop it.
[laughing]
Get off me. Stop it.
Oh, oh...
Oh, wait a minute.
Did you land on the cat?
Hairball.
Oh, shut up.
Oh, there.
You're a wimp.
And you're a walrus.
Ah, no, no, no,
it hurts too much.
lt hurts my ass.
My arm, everywhere.
l think l'm broken...
...l just feel lucky Nonna
didn't lie on the floor...
...until she starved to death...
Or the cat ate her.
How can you talk that way
about your grandmother?
Oh, Stella, l'm just playing
the devil's advocate.
Well, the devil's got a pretty
good hold on me already,
so just relax.
Well, being Nonna's only living family,
l always knew this day would come.
You knew she would sprain her ass?
l have reserved a space for Nonna...
...in a long-term care facility in Bangor.
Oh, no, no, no.
You can stay in the house...
...for as long as it takes for you
to make other arrangements.
You've been Nonna's best friend for,
well for as long as l can remember.
Get the fuck out of my house.
Stella.
Get out.
Or get your ass kicked out.
Now, you do not talk to me that way.
Whoa.
You could have burned me.
lf l wanted to burn you,
l'd put your head in the oven,
and light it.
Wha... Oh.
Out.
Out, out, out, out.
Out of here.
Out. Bitch.
Bitch.
Get off my property.
This is my grandmother's house, Stella.
Since before she met you.
My mother was born in this house.
[engine revs] [horn beeping]
No.
[brakes squeal]...
...[crying]
Bad news, Stella.
Bad news from the doctor.
He says it's going to be
six weeks before you can...
...slap my ass again.
Then get yourself ready.
[laughs]
Oh, did Molly call to see you at the house?
She was really sorry she missed you here.
Yeah.
Did you have a good visit?
What?
l'm looking for any trace
of irony in your face.
Did they, uh...
give you any pain killers?
Yes, and l'm gonna hide them
on you, Stella.
They'll be no more Vodka Vicodans for you.
Ativan Amaretto, actually.
Well, if Earl never saw
a naked woman wash a truck,
he was way overdue.
Now, get in the car before
l smack both your asses.
Hello, Earl.
Hello, Dotty.
Step down, step down.
Oh, you're a Godsend.
God bless you.
Want me to fix you some lunch?
Yes.
- l'll do it.
She's going on a diet.
OK, l'll be off.
Later, lnez.
These papers say that we release Stella...
...from any responsibility
because of your fall.
When an older person
has an accident like this,
social services looks into it.
This just releases Stella
of any responsibility.
Seems a bit like overkill to me, but, fine...
Where do l sign?
Right there.
l don't understand why you can't be...
...more patient with Molly.
l've been a dyke for 70 years,
living with the same woman for 30.
How long am l supposed to be patient?
Somebody's being stupid,
you talk to them.
you don't throw things at them.
There were no words for what l was feeling.
Besides, l promised Dotty..
You promised Dotty what?
That l wouldn't tell Molly.
When was this?
19...86.
Oh, Stella,
for God's sake, come on.
No, you come on.
All of you come on.
After three decades,
l'm supposed to explain.
You got it - what is she, stupid?
No argument there.
You won't tell Stella about this?
l will not tell Stella.
She'd go into a tantrum for a week.
Everything is going to be OK, Nonna.
l am not gonna let
anything bad happen to you.
Yes, l know love.
Cunt.
Bullshit.
You're not taking her anywhere.
We have a court order, Stella.
Nonna is coming with me,
and she is going to live...
...where people with training
can take care of her.
Who the fuck's got more training...
...taking care of Dotty than me?.
l am sorry, Stella.
But l have got to get Nonna
to Bangor before 5:00.
Oh, they only take care of her
'til 5:00, hmm?
Tommy, go get Nonna,
while l continue...
...to talk to Stella.
No, no, stop.
Stella.
Stop, you prick.
Stop.
[grunting]
Stella. That is it.
You are assaulting a police officer.
He's a trespasser
trying to kidnap an invalid.
OK, Uncle.
l don't understand what the problem is.
They obviously don't want to be separated.
Why did l marry you if you
won't enforce my court order?.
l won't do it Moll.
The facility is for special needs people.
Nonna is blind,
Stella is, just obstinate,
and that doesn't count.
They won't take her.
Then we find something else.
We?
And when we say we,
we mean me.
100% of the expense and the work, right?
Huh?
They're in love, Moll.
l love my grandmother too,
and l am trying--
They're in love.
They love each other.
They're...
They're?
You know, clam smashers.
They have clams in Bangor.
They're lesbians, Moll.
Hello.
Oh, Tommy, listen to yourself.
Nonna is my grandmother.
She...
...gave birth to my mother,
by heterosexual means.
Nonna's not a lesbian, Einstein.
But that would color Stella's opposition.
You might be right about Stella.
l won't do it.
[sighs]...
...[crying]...
Hon, l'm not--
- Don't.
[crying]
Hello.
Ma'am, you have to go
with your granddaughter.
Bullshit.
- Where are we going?
Nowhere.
- Calm yourself, Stella.
You get your hands off me,
you little twerp.
Stella, stop.
You should say goodbye.
l'm not saying goodbye.
[grunting]
Get your...
Stella, l've known you my whole life.
Please don't make me hurt you.
She's taking you to an old folks home.
To cremate you.
You're going to cremate me?
Not right away.
You fucking cow.
l'll grab you by your
stinking twat, and tear it open.
Out through your chin.
Do you hear this?
You were my little league
coach, you're freaking me out.
Nonna, this is what the judge decided.
What judge?
Fuck the judge.
Just drive away.
Go.
[engine starts]
Dot...
...[horn beeping]
Bitch. Bitch.
You stupid, cock-sucking pig.
You little dick.
You piss-face monkey.
You were a shitty little shortstop,
but l stood by you.
l'm gonna kick your ass.
Do not threaten a police officer.
Fuck you.
Fuck you too, Grandma.
l'm not your grandma,
Tommy Barkaski.
But l did get to second base
with her - in the 7th grade.
♪...
...♪ l have time on my hands ♪...
...♪ Time to make some plans ♪...
...♪ Time to take a different ♪...
...♪ Point of view ♪...
...♪ l have time to be wrong ♪...
...♪ Time to stare ♪...
...♪ All night long... ♪...
...[siren wails in distance]...
...[knocking on door]
Sorry, dear.
lt's about time.
You know you're not supposed
to be out there after 8:30.
lt's like being nine years old...
...all over again.
Hey, l don't make the rules.
That's what Joseph Goebbels said.
[snoring]...
...[chattering]
You brought your slippers.
You scared me.
Did they get you too?
Hardly.
Did you bring mine?
Your what?
- My slippers.
Shhh. You have a roommate.
She's a druggy - Wilma.
They put her to sleep
with a horse tranquilizer.
She'll never wake up.
Dotty, are you OK?
l'm fine.
l was just waiting for you to show up.
l was really pissed off when
the visiting hours were over.
l'm here undercover.
So is Wilma, she says she's
in the Secret Service,
except l told her that's
the worst possible way...
...of keeping a secret.
They, they've put you in
with a crazy person?.
Yes. To ease my transition
from three decades with you.
[elevator bell rings]
What the hell, Wilma?
All good.
- OK.
We've gotta run.
Run? l can't run.
We'll go to the left.
Come on, come on.
Blind people don't run.
There you go.
Stop, l'm opening the door.
OK.
The jackets are on the seat.
That's it.
Go on, go on, go on.
Go ahead, go ahead now.
Oh, dear.
l busted you out.
We're done, Stella.
[both laughing]...
...l'm hungry.
There's a picnic basket.
Let's go to the diner.
Don't we have to get farther out of town?
l'm hungry now.
Try some rhubarb?
You're eating pie for breakfast?
Oh.
Why does everybody
in the world think they know...
...what's best for me?
We need a lawyer.
Maddy's boy, Manny.
He's a real estate lawyer.
Could l have one of your...
You know, l saw this TV show.
Rosie O'Donnell took a bunch
of dykes on a cruise...
...to Nova Scotia.
Then this flock of lesbians
got married there.
Flock?
Well, that's what they call us
when we're in a group.
You know, a gaggle of gays,
a flock of lesbians,
like in nature.
Stella, are you...
...proposing to me?
Maybe.
Are you down on one knee?
Yeah.
l don't believe in marriage.
l was married, remember?
And that was like having a brain clot.
l loved you for 31 years.
l loved you when you got fat,
and l loved you when you went blind...
...l'm gonna love you forever.
Maybe l don't want to be...
...tied down forever.
Although, you know, maybe we
could work out some sort...
...of trial commitment.
How about a hundred years?
l was thinking of six months.
75 years.
5 years.
35.
Do l get credit for time served?
No.
- No.
31 years.
Well, l have lived with you
for 31 years, so l suppose...
...l could put up with you for another 31.
31 -year, trial commitment.
That's a deal.
That's a deal.
And then we can see other people.
Where should we do it?
Do what?
Get married.
Where should we get married?
Oh... Paris.
We got to go someplace where it's legal.
Canada.
We'll drive to Canada,
and we'll get legally married.
Then no one can separate us.
Great.
Now...
Oh, come on.
One.
My bag.
Which way should we go?
Anywhere that says north.
[engine starts, radio plays]...
...♪ How the times have changed ♪...
...♪ My, how our lives... ♪...
...[phone ringing]
The police were here.
l didn't tell them anything.
We've decided to go--
Tommy over here all the time.
lf l know anything l'll fold like a wet blanket.
Yeah, we're gonna--
Drive carefully.
Tommy's got an all points bulletin...
...on both of you.
All right.
Sure, thanks.
Bye.
All points bulletin?
How many points are there?
They're looking for us,
the police.
Well, let's just stop and get a lawyer.
After we're married.
Oh, Stella.
You're so stubborn.
We should pick up this kid.
Why?
Adding to our group will confuse anyone...
...looking for two old broads.
Does he look safe?
Not really.
Pull up your pants, kid.
You're humping the wrong fire hydrant.
Hey...
...l'm Prentice.
Hey.
Now don't eat everything.
We'll stop for lunch.
l don't know if they have food in Canada.
Who's this?
Who's this?
Who is this?
What?
k. d. lang.
This is k. d. lang.
Jesus Anne Heche Christ.
He's very young, Stella.
That's no excuse.
She's obsessed.
l am not obsessed.
Yes, you are.
You want her.
Maybe you should marry k. d. lang.
Well, don't think l wouldn't.
Pretty sweet.
Sweet, my ass.
Savory...
Delicious.
lf l were on death row,
l'd request my final meal be...
...right between k.d. lang's legs.
Wow...
So, where are you going, Prentice?
Home, for my mother's funeral.
Oh, l'm very sorry to hear that.
How did she die?
Oh, she ain't dead yet.
l'm going home before she dies,
and then l'm hoping...
...to stay for her funeral.
And what is it that's-- that's killing her?
Bacteria.
Bacteria?
Yeah, it's in her lungs.
Bacteria.
That's terrible.
l'm really sorry.
How long do you think she's got?
Not long.
l wouldn't want to die from bacteria.
How old is your mother, Prentice?
l really don't know.
She's been lying about it for so long.
Mountain lions,
rattlesnakes, maybe...
Not bacteria.
Shut up, Stella.
So where does your mother live, Prentice?
Lower Economy,
it's on your way.
Lower Economy?
Yeah.
l grew up in Upper Economy,
but my mom married...
...the roadkill collector
down in Lower Economy,
so she got resituated.
Are you fucking with me?
Wave to the waitress
or something, Stella, will you?
Somebody's gotta collect the roadkill.
lt ain't gonna move itself.
Would you folks care to see
the dessert menu?
Yes.
- No.
Just, could l have one of those, please?
Here you go.
Could you read that to me?
Prentice, you want dessert?
l do.
- Banana split?
Oh, yes, please, with cream.
You have tequila?
We don't have a license, sir.
Beer?
No liquor at all.
No liquor?
Not an lrish coffee,
not a rum raisin thing?
We have a rum raisin cookie.
Have a cookie, Stella.
Oh, fantastic.
Stella?
[laughs]...
...l thought...
You seemed familiar.
You know, if that skirt was any shorter,
you'd need another hair net.
[laughs]
Can you drive this truck?
Yeah, awesome.
What's wrong with you now?
The waitress - she recognized me.
The waitress did not recognize you.
She said, l looked familiar.
Apparently, like her uncle.
They're looking for us.
Who's looking for us?
The police.
The police and the waitresses,
or just the police?
Dammit.
They put out an all points bulletin.
Stella, have you ever
received an all points bulletin?
Ha, ha.
l doubt that your friend,
the hash-slinging waitress,
has ever seen one either.
You don't know that.
But l know you're paranoid.
Was l paranoid when
the cops came to the house,
held me down and took you away?
He held you down?
Do you think there's any chance in hell...
...l would have let them
drive off with you otherwise?
Whoa, are you two running from the law?
Yes.
- No.
Awesome.
♪ Ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we know what we're doing ♪...
...♪ And ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we're not afraid to care... ♪...
...l don't want to go without you, Stella.
We have to split up,
just 'til we cross the border.
Then, we'll meet up.
Why can't we just go back?
We will go back,
but not 'til after.
Ah, Stella, please.
After.
OK, all right, OK.
Prentice?
Yeah.
Castration awaits you if
you steal my truck...
...or abandon Dotty.
l won't let you down.
Here.
You still look like a hooker.
Stella, good luck.
l'm gonna loop back around
and take the old road.
[horn beeps]
Buddy, get off the road.
Assholes.
Passports.
Here you go.
Where you going?
Taking Granny to a wedding.
Who's getting married?
Her, uh...
...l am.
Go on through.
Thanks.
lf you wave your hand like
that in front of my face again,
l will bite it off.
Stella, what takes you to Canada?
l'm gonna meet up with Dotty.
Get away from her
cunt-face granddaughter.
l, uh, wish you wouldn't use the 'c' word.
What are you, crazy?
Cunt is for punctuation l love cunt.
Cunt is a temple...
Cunt is fast foods.
Cunt...
Pussy...
Snatch...
Mmm, just saying the words
makes me drool.
Vagina - what the hell is that?
Sounds like a disease, huh?
To me it sounds virginal.
That's how we say it down home - vir-gi-na.
No, no, no.
l don't like virgins, no.
l like them good and stretched,
so l can crawl right back up...
...in there and do yoga.
Well, it's different for men.
We like things snug, tight.
You should get bigger penises.
Tight...
That's why God gave us
a poop shoot, Arnold.
Go get a DVD, for fuck's sake.
Amateurs are doing it.
All right.
Why are we stopping?
You have to take a leak?
l'd like you to get out, please.
l'm OK.
l don't want you in my car.
What the fuck's wrong with you?
Dirtiest mouth in Christendom.
Take that stick out
of your ass and suck on it,
you tight son of a bitch.
Asshole.
Where were you hitching from?
New York.
l used to dance there.
Ah, you were a stripper.
Modern.
Although, sometimes,
they ain't that different.
l, uh...
...l peed on stage once.
What?
Yeah.
lnto a bucket.
Oh, no.
My 'choreographer' convinced me...
...l was pushing the art form.
Oh, well, you were.
Yeah.
Then one night l literally forgot -...
...and just peed before the show.
And, you know, you sweat,
under those lights...
Um hmm.
Anyway, when it came time
to pee on stage,
nothing came out.
And it was...
...it was just so humiliating.
lt was humiliating not to pee on the stage?
Well, exactly.
Your moral compass was spinning.
That's what my husband used to say to me.
Well, l pulled at it,
you know, to try to get--
Pulled at what?
At... it...
Oh, sorry.
Yeah.
To try to get some pee,
you know, and l, uh...
...l just ended up with a boner instead.
Was the audience scandalized?
Nope.
lt was the biggest
standing ovation l ever got.
What? No way.
Yeah. Apparently l was
pushing the art form.
What did the Village Voice write?
l... elevated...
...the art form...
By about 7 and a half inches.
[laughs] Well, don't worry.
That's half an inch more than Baryshnikov.
[laughs] Well, thank you.
You're welcome.
l think you should just go and get her.
She's not going to get a ride.
And even if she does,
they won't make the 20 miles...
...without kicking her out
with that mouth of hers.
So l'll just sit here and wait for you, no?
Well, yeah, but,
if they're looking for you--
Nobody's looking for her.
She thinks everybody's looking for her.
She thinks the lRS, the ClA,
the Moral Majority,
everyone's looking for her.
Stella said she'd cut off
my balls if l left you.
[laughs] Well, l can tell you that if
Stella ever saw your balls,
she'd faint.
Well, she wouldn't be the first.
[laughs] ls that a step...
...or what is it?
Oh, that's a curb.
There's a chair in front of you.
There?
- ln front.
Fine. Bye.
Good luck.
Oh.
Chica boom, chica boom,
chica boom boom...
...[distance horn beep]...
...[beeping horn]
Come on.
Where the hell is Dotty?
Canada.
All right, let's go.
She's fine.
lf she's not,
l'm leaving your head...
...on the side of the road.
And who are you?
His woman.
She's not my woman.
We're not a...
...l'm a cougar.
Are you married?
His wife doesn't know.
Can you step out of the car, please?
l'm not cheating on my wife
with this woman.
l couldn't care less, sir.
l just want to make sure
there's no misunderstanding.
Just open up the bag, sir.
Whose drugs are these?
Not mine.
Mine.
Your name is Dorothy?
On weekends.
Oh, Lord.
Why are you carrying
drugs across the border?
l'm a hitchhiker.
l don't know anything about his drugs.
l thought you said you were his mistress.
l lied.
Why'd you lie?
Hitchhiking is illegal.
How'd it go?
Great.
- Horrible.
Did you get stopped?
She told them she was my girlfriend.
Oh, Stella, why do you
cause everyone such grief?.
What grief?
We're here, aren't we?
l was throwing them off our scent.
l learned that back in the 1 950s.
lf you got caught
on a date with another woman,
you had to make up a story
that was even more scandalous.
Like, uh...
My husband got Doris here pregnant,
and l'm getting her the abortion money.
That kind of thing.
The only thing that keeps them
from sniffing around for dirt...
...is finding it.
So, you give them dirt.
lt keeps the moral squad off your back.
Oh, you see, Prentice,
l forgot the moral squad.
Yeah, well,
it would have been fine,
but you see, we still had
your drugs in the truck.
What?.
- Oh, yeah.
And she sold me out.
She told them they were my drugs.
No. Stella.
We got through.
Yeah.
After l got strip-searched.
And cavity searched.
No.
- Oh, yeah.
'Cause she tells them l'm carrying...
...someone else's drugs.
Oh, please,
that guy just wanted to stick...
...his finger up your ass.
They didn't even run my plates.
Well, are you OK, Prentice?
Like that's the first time
a finger's been up there, huh?
l mean, are you all right for driving?
He's not driving with his asshole, Dotty.
l'm fine.
Thank you.
l just want to put the whole
thing behind me, please.
[laughs]
The whole thing behind him.
l know. Stop.
Stop, stop.
Oh, God, that's good.
[giggling]...
...[thunder rumbling]...
...l can't see a damn thing in this fog.
Welcome to my world.
l'm not right about this.
l don't feel good about this.
lt's not right.
What feels wrong?
l don't know.
The air, something.
Do you have cold feet?
l've had cold feet
for 1 5 years, bad circulation.
You know that.
Tell me about it.
lt was my ass you used to warm them up.
Oh.
Whoa. Pull over.
lt's really raining now.
Pull over.
Where? l can't.
Pull over.
Lovely rain.
There we go...
OK.
Oh, it's lovely.
Let's go for a walk.
Stay in the truck.
Come back.
Rain.
Stop.
Oh, hold on, hold on.
Oh, yes.
See, it was just the rain.
Oh, Stella...
Lovely rain, Stella.
Oh, feel that, feel that.
lsn't that beautiful?
Oh, yes...
Oh, Stella...
My darling, my darling.
l love you.
Oh, Dotty, l love you.
Oh, feel that on your face.
See... lt was just...
The rain.
Yes.
Just the rain.
Oh, my God.
What?
What's wrong with you?
Oh, you won't--
- What's wrong?
Oh... Yuck.
What is it?
Prentice, naked,
washing his clothes.
l haven't done laundry in weeks.
Oh, l wish l could see...
All right, Prentice.
Do it. Woo hoo.
Yeah, well, whatever...
Kiss my ass.
Just kiss it. Here you go.
Yeah, kiss mine too.
[laughs] Look at his balls.
[both laughing]...
...♪...
...[heavy, rhythmic breathing]
Jesus H. Christ.
You little sissy.
You're a beautiful dancer, Prentice.
Hah.
You can see?
Well, l can see light...
...shapes.
You make beautiful shapes.
Thank you, Dotty.
Where are we?
Upper Economy.
Oh.
Well, we're here.
l can't believe it.
Where are we?
We're in the Upper Economy.
Hey, where's the Lower Economy?
Just down that hill.
Oh, down this road?
Well, there's only one road.
When you're in the Upper Economy,
you've got nowhere to go but down.
Jesus, it's beautiful here, Dotty.
Don't let my mother hear you
take the Lord's name in vain.
l didn't.
l changed the spelling so it
rhymes like a cheeeese snack,
and that makes it not a sin.
And, uh...
...don't tell her you're lesbians.
What should we be?
l don't know, nuns.
Ha, ha, ha, nuns.
We could be your dancing teacher.
From the Order of the Holy Shits.
Well, he was dancing, Stella.
They don't have
blind dance teachers, Dotty.
Oh, yes, they do.
We could be your backup singers...
Oh, yeah, like Dawn.
He doesn't remember Dawn.
Well like dusk, anyway.
They should reunite after 50 years,
Tony Orlando and Dusk.
And Telma Hopkins, she was one
tall drink of kahlua.
lf l had one night with Telma Hopkins...
Hey, you know, you could...
...just drop me off.
♪ So let's say Goodbye to Gypsy ♪...
...♪ Hello, Mary Jo ♪...
...♪ Say has anybody seen my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Gypsy Rose ♪...
...l need to use your bathroom,
or shit on your front lawn.
Your choice.
OK, but it's really early for them.
So, you have to be quiet.
OK.
- We'll tiptoe.
You stay in the truck.
Why? You don't want
your mother to meet me?
l just...
...l don't know how to explain you.
l've never known how to explain myself.
Oh...
...l need to piss like a fucking race horse.
Come on.
Are we nearly there? Please...
Yeah, there's grass.
l'm bursting.
Stair.
Step, step.
Right.
And another one.
Step, step, step, all done.
Thank you.
Here we go.
Step.
Are we there?
- Again.
This way, this way.
Turn. Turn right here.
Right?
- Yeah.
There's a little step here.
Go on straight ahead.
Straight ahead.
Please.
We're here,
and bathroom's on your left...
...ls this it? All right.
You need some help in there?
No, l can do this.
All bathrooms are the same. Thanks.
[radio plays]
Hi, Mommy.
[gasps]
Hi...
Oh, not so tight.
[coughs]
What are you doing here?
Uh...
Oh, hug me again.
[snoring]
Uh, where is he?
Sleeping.
[coughing]
What can l do for you?
There's, uh,
Cheerios or Raisin Bran.
Mix them.
Mix them?
Half and half.
Mom...
Yeah, honey.
l'm fine.
You're not fine.
l'm fine today.
l love you.
l know that.
Love you too.
Stella.
Oh, thank God.
Hello?
Hello.
[screams]
What?.
Excuse me.
Hey.
Who the fuck are you?.
l'm sorry, l'm sorry.
Ow.
Ow, ow, ow, ow.
Get off me.
Fuck, Christ...
Stella...
Stella?
Stella...
Well, Jesus Christ.
Hey, Dotty?
- Stella.
Yeah, here.
Fuck.
Come on,
you have to go around.
Go around.
OK, door open.
Hey...
Hey.
What the fuck are you doing in my house?.
Shut that door.
What the fuck are you?.
Get the fuck off my ass,
you asshole.
Hey, what the fuck
are you doing in my house?.
What the fuck?.
Come back here.
Hey, what the fuck
are you doing in my house?.
Hey...
Stella.
What did he do to you?.
Nothing. l did it to him.
l molested him.
What the fuck are you doing in my house?
What are you doing on my property?
Oh, shit.
Get off.
Come on.
You wanna fight?
Come on.
Stop the car.
Dad.
Guillaume.
[beeping horn]
Who are they?
Uh...
My dance...teachers.
[horn blaring, women yelling]
You're giving these people my breakfast?
lt's just eggs and sausage, Guillaume.
She already had my fucking sausage.
Well, now she needs a bigger one.
[chuckling]
Look, we can go to a diner.
Please. You drove my boy
all the way from Maine.
You feeling better?
Stella.
- What?
l'm fine.
l am.
Prentice didn't have to come all this way.
You're not dying?
Oh, Stella.
You don't think we're all wondering?
lt's not your place to ask.
You just don't want to be
the only elephant in the room.
You ain't dying?
See...
Not today, OK?
You have bacteria?
Come on, Stella.
Let's just go.
OK, let's go.
Goodbye, Prentice.
What?
No, no.
You're not leaving Prentice here.
He just hitch-hiked
a thousand miles to see you.
But he can't stay here.
He knows that...
We can go somewhere else.
You have money?
No.
Then don't talk to me
about going somewheres else.
Everything l have is here.
My doctor is here.
My...furniture is here.
But you hate him.
No...
...l don't...hate him.
You are such a good boy.
l am so proud of you.
So, ladies, you can see,
l have that problem.
Let's hit the road.
Who in the fuck SHAT in my bidet?.
Uh-oh.
Drive Stella, drive quickly.
[engine starts]...
...♪
Things change, Stella.
You can't hold on to the past.
You gotta live for the here and now.
Not if the here and now sucks shit.
Take it from an old broad.
There are plenty of days when,
if all l had to live for...
...was the there and then,
l woulda blown my own head off.
Some days you live for the future -...
...the one you imagine.
You know damn well
it's never gonna happen.
Prentice...
...lf you're ever lucky enough
to have a perfect day...
...don't let go of it.
Bank it.
Paint a picture of it.
You have a perfect day,
you hold on to it...
...like it's your dick.
With a firm grip,
at least twice a day.
Exactly.
♪...
...♪ Owning this land ♪...
...♪ l am ♪...
...♪ Got a mouth full of pearls
on my tongue ♪...
...♪ And there's shells in my hand ♪...
...♪ And you... ♪...
...♪ Caress my fear... ♪...
...lt's like another planet, really.
Feel... Here.
Oh, yeah...
What is that?
l don't know, really.
Oh, tide's coming in.
Oh, fug, it's an island.
Where?
Here...
...lt's a bottom of an island.
Stella, islands do not have bottoms.
You just touched it...
The bottom of an island.
The part that...
...touches the bottom of the sea.
Ah, you're drunk.
Hmmm...
Must be a tsunami.
What?.
We better go back.
We can't go back,
We walked half a mile.
Come on.
We, we, we have to run.
l can't run, Stella.
Come on.
Don't ask me to run.
Run.
[yelling in distance]
We've got to get back.
Come on.
Run.
- l can't.
Move it...
Come on, run.
Oh, my God.
Get up, you cow, get up.
There's no time for this.
Come on, now, get up.
You've got to move, come on.
Come on.
Come on, you can get up.
Come on.
l can't.
Here we go.
No, no, no, no...
Don't, Stella.
Where's that fucking kid?
l can't get up.
l know what l can do,
but l can't do it. You go.
l'm not leaving you here.
l can't get up.
We can't even have this conversation.
Ah.
Dotty, please.
l'm here.
Please.
Oh, no, l can't.
l can't Stella.
l got her, l got her.
l can't get up.
Wrap your arms around me.
l cannot get up.
Up. Up.
Ah.
We should go back this way.
lt's shorter.
Here we go.
l'm sorry.
Should have told you -
highest tides in the world.
No kidding.
All right, Dotty, all right.
[gasping]
So, where should we
drop you off, Prentice?
Well, l've got nowhere else to be.
Don't you guys need a best man?
[laughs]...
...l guess so.
Yeah, good, we do.
♪
Now which way?
Right.
How the hell would you know?
Well, you asked me.
Are we here?
We're somewhere.
Ah, fuck, it's Lunenberg.
Some navigator you are.
Shut up, Stella.
Why didn't you ask me?
l didn't want to wake you.
You need your strength.
Never know when you might have
to lift Teletubby here, again.
Leave me alone, Stella.
He said it was an old form.
Not a lot of people get married around here.
So, do you want to be
the bachelor or the spinster?
The bachelor.
Well, l don't want to be the spinster.
Oh, come on, Stella.
You can be a spinster for one day.
This is stupid.
Maybe we shouldn't fill this out.
OK, fine.
You can be the bachelor.
That's $1 1 5.
You take American?
At par...
A dollar equals a dollar.
lt's gonna take five days.
Five days?
That's the processing time.
Listen, Craig...
How many people are ahead of us
waiting for a marriage license...
...here in Bumfuck Nova Scotia?
She got it.
What? Oh, good.
♪
An inch and a half of foam, Dotty.
Oh, thank you.
To Prentice, our best man.
Our only man.
Excuse me.
Guys.
Um, uh...
...l know that you're not
at an actual wedding reception,
and you shouldn't have
to hear a speech, but...
Stella and Dot
are getting married tomorrow.
[cheers and applause]
And l'm the best man.
And the best man gets to make a toast...
So, my greatest love affair
lasted three weeks, minus a day,
which is when l asked her
to move in with me -...
...because she looked really good
mowing the lawn in a bikini top.
[crowd laughs]
And she was smart enough
to laugh in my face.
Because young love is stupid,
l guess.
Yeah.
l've never seen love
like Stella and Dot before.
Because they've been together for 30 years.
3l...
...[whistles, applause]...
...31.
They don't lose count.
'Cause you see, Dot can't see.
But she knows Stella so well,
it's like she sees her.
And only her.
And Stella...
...well, she sees everything else
so Dot doesn't have to.
[crowd laughs]
And...that's it.
l mean...
...if love is your goal,
be like these two old dykes...
...and practice.
[cheers, applause]
Have another drink,
Prentice, love.
Have another drink.
You want some beer?
Here, over here, there you go.
[giggling]
OK.
Thanks.
Want a blanket?
No, l'm all right.
What is it?
31 years.
[sighs]...
...31 years l loved Dotty,
and l never said it.
l mean, l said it to her,
sometimes,
but, to say it on paper,
before the whole world...
...l can't do it.
What? Why?
Taking Dotty on this trip...
...l nearly killed us both.
Watching her almost drown.
She's...
...she's my...
...my life.
l couldn't...
...lf you hadn't been there,
we'd both be dead.
Molly's right...
...l can't take care of Dotty anymore.
That's it.
That's it.
[phone ringing]
No, no.
You promised me, Stella.
You can't break your promise now.
lt's not gonna change anything, Dotty.
lt's not gonna make us younger.
lt's not gonna mean we can live together.
You'll still have to go
to that special care home.
And l don't need special care,
so l can't go with you.
l mean, it's not gonna mean
anything to Molly.
And it's sure as hell
not going to mean anything...
...to that damn judge.
lt's not going to not change anything.
lt's going to change everything.
You didn't even want to get married.
Yes, l did.
lt was me or the nursing home,
and l still had to twist your arm.
Oh, Stella,
that was just sour grapes.
We're not girls anymore, Stella.
We've got what -
140, 1 50 years between us.
And in all that time,
we could not get married.
Married wasn't for us.
Married was for other people,
it was for normal people.
Wasn't for me.
l couldn't have it with you,
so l didn't want it.
So l told myself it was a crock of shite...
...for helpless men and women
who didn't know what they want.
And then, wham, suddenly
l'm allowed to marry you.
And, wham, second time,
you asked me.
l think l always wanted to marry you.
You never said anything.
What was the point?
There were already enough things
that you couldn't do...
...and you couldn't have.
That's what changed everything, Stella.
l mean, if somebody else
asked me to marry them,
l would still think that marriage...
...was a crock of shite.
But then you asked me.
And you know that in a million years,
l could never, ever say no to you.
And l've got used to the idea,
so, you'll have to marry me.
After 31 years,
oh, to get married, and then...
...move away from each other.
Oh, Stella...
...lf l'm going to die
in some nursing home...
...somewhere alone,
l want to die there...
...as your wife.
And then when those
little nurses come along...
...to give me my sponge bath,
they would back off...
...because they know that my wife
will whip their tits off...
...if they lay one slimy hand on me.
Then you're gonna stink, Dotty.
Yes, l am.
Oh, Stella...
Oh, my darling Stella.
Marriage is perhaps
the greatest and the most...
...challenging adventure
of human relationships.
But no ceremony can create your marriage;
only you can do that -
through love and patience,
through talking and listening
and helping and supporting...
...and believing in each other.
Now today, we witness and affirm
your choice to stand together...
...as life mates and partners,
and the full understanding--
Nonna...
Oh, thank God. Nonna--
Molly, how did you find me?
Uh... l called her.
You called her?
Well, now we have a flower girl.
Do you think this is funny, Stella, huh?
Look, this whole freak show is over.
Nonna is coming back with me to Bangor.
Oh, no, l'm not.
l'm not going back
to that old people's home.
l mean, l know you mean well--
Nonna, this is the right time
to make the move, OK?
l already put the house--...
Molly, where are you?
- l'm here.
Keep your hands off my house, OK?
ls there a judge in the room still, please?
l'm a justice, ma'am.
Right. You tell him how you lied to me,
and how l did not sign
power of attorney over to you.
ls this true?
She told me
that l was signing an indemnity.
And she just took advantage of me -...
...an old woman,
a blind old woman -...
...just to get my house, my money,
and everything else.
Did you trick your blind grandmother...
...into signing over her bank account?
l was trying to help her.
Yes, or no.
- Yes.
But l...
...it was not like that.
You just committed fraud
and lied to the courts.
Oh. Family court.
Well, she's your grandma,
and l'm a cop.
This is really hot.
Are you kidding me?.
l am not kidding you.
Apologize to your grandma.
This is not even your jurisdiction.
lt is mine.
Sheriff, get this woman out of here, please.
l am so sorry.
[applause]
Aren't we getting married?
Later, Stella.
Molly, l promised your mother
that l would never, ever...
...tell you about Stella and me.
My mother died when l was eight.
l know.
l wanted you to come and live with us,
but she was against it.
She just wouldn't have that.
She never forgave me
for leaving your grandfather.
Neither have l.
Well...
Would you, please?
l always thought that...
Well, you never asked me to visit.
We did.
Stella and l,
we asked your father.
So it's my dead parents
l should be pissed off at?
Oh, no, that's not what l'm saying.
Oh, everything was just
so different then, Molly.
l mean,
l hardly knew your mother.
And when your grandfather died,
his whole family blamed me...
...and said that l was a bad mother,
and they just took her away.
And l was afraid that you were
just raised to think the same.
Well, l think l deserved a chance, Nonna.
l should have talked to you
about Stella and me.
But l thought it was kind of obvious.
Well, l know what lesbians look like.
l mean, l'm not stupid.
But you guys aren't exactly,
Ellen and Portia.
[laughing]...
You want your ass kicked?
- l'm sorry.
Stella doesn't hurt you,
does she?
She's not mean to you?
Oh, please.
Stella looks after me 24/7.
She's like a trained seal.
[laughing]...
...lf you would agree
to be my maid of honor,
l could get these handcuffs taken off.
Or you could leave them on,
if it's a sexual deviant theme wedding.
[laughs]
Now hold these flowers.
And when we get there,
stand there, shut up,
and mind your manners.
Tommy.
You're gonna be a flower girl
at your Nonna's wedding.
Nonna, this is crazy.
Who is going to take care of you?
Well, we struck a deal.
He's coming back with us.
He's gonna live with us,
do the driving...
...and all the heavy lifting.
What are you two old dykes
gonna do with a hot house boy?
Love him.
Spoil him.
Well, no need to worry about these two.
And Molly...
Come and visit, please,
and often.
Nothing but blue...
Blue skies, blue water.
Open.
Nothing in the way.
[laughs]...
...l can see that,
blue, in my mind.
And the wind,
it's so beautiful.
lt's a wedding present.
Thanks.
You gotta enjoy your honeymoon.
Look, Dotty,
he's trying to get us laid.
Dotty?
Stella, she ain't right.
Dotty, come on, Dotty?
Dotty?
Dotty, Dotty...
What now?.
Dotty.
Oh, dear God, Nonna.
We gotta get her to a hospital.
OK, let's get her into our car.
Here, grab on to me.
No, no, no. Prentice?
Yeah.
Where are you?
l want you to marry us now.
What?
Nonna, not now.
Now.
Um...
OK, um, um...
Friends, we are gathered
here today to, uh...
...celebrate the union of
Stella and Dot, who...
...have come a long way to be here.
And...
Do you, Dot, take Stella
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love, honor, and cherish for as long as...
...you both shall live?
l do.
And do you, Stella, take Dot,
as your lawfully wedded wife,
to love, honor, and obey for as
long as you both shall live?
Yeah, l'll obey her.
You can cherish her if you want, that's...
Come on, please.
Whatever. l do.
OK, um...
As captain of this vessel
and officiant of the wedding,
l now pronounce you,
women...and wives.
Stella.
We should probably let these guys in here.
Dot had been blind since before l was born.
But she saw more in me
than anybody else ever did.
This was a favorite piece of hers.
Uh, could you just, like,
back up a bit?
Little bit.
Yeah, that, that's fine.
♪...
...♪ We were very happy ♪...
...♪ At least l thought we were ♪...
...♪ Can somebody tell me ♪...
...♪ What's got into her... ♪
Oh, please tell me...
...he is not dancing
on my grandmother's grave.
[laughing]...
...♪ Who'd believe she'd leave us ♪...
...♪ To join the burlesque show ♪...
...♪ Say, has anybody seen my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Gypsy Rose? ♪...
...♪ Here's her picture
when she was my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Mary Jo ♪...
...♪ Now she's got ♪...
...♪ Rings on her fingers ♪...
...♪ And bells on her toes ♪...
...♪ Say has anybody seen my ♪...
...♪ Sweet Gypsy Rose... ♪...
...[Stella laughing]...
...[birds singing]
Are you sad?
No, somehow.
l'm sorry.
lt's the saddest thing in the world.
l'm 80 years old, Prentice.
Nothing is forever.
Dotty loved it here.
She looked at it so often,
l think she could see it
even when she was blind.
Ahh, look at that sky.
What does that cloud look like to you?
A fat lady dancing.
Hmm...
...l mean, your honeymoon...
You waited 31 years,
and you only had that one day.
Best fucking day of my life.
♪...
...♪ Ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we know what we're doing ♪...
...♪ Ain't life sweet ♪...
...♪ When we're not afraid to care... ♪
♪