Cloud 9 (2006) - full transcript
A washed out former star in need of money has a get rich plan...start a volleyball team whose players consist of group of beautiful athletic strippers.
Thank you.
Yeah. Sure.
Uh-huh.
- Good morning, Tenspot.
- Ah, Billy Cole.
Now, that...
that is sexy, very sexy.
Mmm, my color.
Oh, look, I gotta drop Anthony Hopkins
off at the airport in 15 minutes.
He's gonna be gone
for three weeks,
so I'm gonna leave
the cabana unlocked.
There are gonna be
fresh towels under the sink.
You can shower there.
Hmm. I showered at
Barbara and Jim's.
Son, I thought
white folk couldn't jump.
Billy, that ain't
just any white folk.
No, no, that is
Christina Hansen...
NCAA and Olympic
Volleyball Champion.
Really.
What a life we got.
Mansions, Malibu,
swimming pools, limousines.
Not bad, huh?
Son, we gotta
get out of it.
What are you
talkin' about?
I'll tell ya, it's been
gnawing at me for...
10, 20 minutes now.
What is it this time, Billy?
I made a promise
to your father.
Yeah, that you would
never tell me who he is.
Yeah.
And that you would take
care of the kid, and you did.
I... I could have
done a better job.
Pop, you did great.
Tell ya somethin'. I...
I gotta reinvent myself.
I have to make a statement that says...
“Billy Cole is back.”
Well, right now,
Billy Cole is late for work.
Hello, Billy.
Ah, not-so-honorable Mr. Cole!
You late.
You bad example
for white people.
Cut the accent, will ya?
You're bad at it.
Hey, listen.
I told you once, I told you
a hundred times, this business is tough.
If you're a Mexican,
you're just a gardener, but if you...
I know. If you're Asian,
you're a landscaper. Right?
Mr. Mel Gibson want one more
ficus tree today. Chop, chop!
Now, I delivered two ficus trees
to Mel Gibson last week.
Yeah?
What is he, smoking them?
Hey, I don't know,
I don't care, I don't ask.
- You deliver.
- Okay, all right, I'll deliver everything.
Listen, um,
can you loan me 50 bucks?
What? Fifty? Fifty...
You owe me 50! No, I cannot do. Cannot.
I know that. I've got it
written down in my book.
I don't want somethin' for nothin',
especially from friends.
Now, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take all this stuff.
and I'm going to deliver it for you,
and then that will make us even.
Deal?
Deal! Deal. Okay, you
take off, you deliver, you go.
- Could I borrow 50 dollars?
- What?
You a crazy man! You no pay
the 50 dollar you borrow last time.
You not right up here.
What are you? You mad.
- No! You crazy! Go!
- Don't make a federal case out of it.
Just... Why don't you ask me why
I want the 50 dollars?
- Okay. Okay, Billy-san.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. We sit down.
- Why you want 50 dollar?
- I'm glad you asked.
Because this afternoon the University of Georgia
plays the University of Alabama...
and it's a no-brainer.
- What is that, Wong's again?
- Yeah.
He loves to bet on football.
You know, he's a little sick
about that game.
I'm a little worried about him, you know,
because of the gambling thing.
Right. You know,
if he ever fixes that,
you'll be looking for
another source of income.
Oh, I got a hot one
for you today, Billy boy.
Big Daddy's Chocolate in the sixth.
It's a no-brainer.
How sure?
How sure, how sure.
Who are talkin' to? How sure.
I gotta draw you a picture
of who I'm gettin' this from?
Mm-hmm.
Word's out: Anybody gets in front
of Big Daddy's Chocolate...
spends the rest of
the season in Cedars.
Cedars-Sinai.
- The hospital. Traction.
- Ah!
Now, that's handicapping.
Yo, Angelo.
How's it goin'?
Yeah, what's the line on
Big Daddy's Chocolate?
Still two to one.
Do me a favor.
Throw another hundred
dollars down for a friend of mine.
Billy Cole.
Yeah, that Billy Cole.
I got his money in my hand.
It's still sweaty.
Ey, who do you think
you're talking to here?
Yeah.
No, it's not counterfeit,
you asshole!
Nyahh!
I apologize, Billy.
I'm very sorry.
That's all right.
Opportunity knocking.
Hi! It's Billy Cole.
We thought it was Tom “Honks.”
No, it's not Tom “Hunks.”
It's me.
Oh, look, I got ya
a little somethin'. Ta-da.
- Oh, it's so small.
- Yeah, that's what they all say.
What is it?
It's a bonsai tree.
They're very rare and very expensive.
So are we.
Yeah.
- So... Hi.
- Hi, Julie. Hey, Julie.
What are you selling today, Billy?
I ain't selling nothing.
I'm here as the friend
of the working woman.
I'm here to talk about money,
a lot of money.
Money always talks.
You know... Tommy Z's a
very good friend of mine.
If I had a daughter
and she wanted to be a stripper...
this is the kind of place
I would want her to work.
Problem is,
you're not outside.
You're not, like,
at the beach and...
breathing in the trade winds
and the fresh air.
You're in the dark.
Wait a minute. You talkin'
about us hookin' on boats?
No!
Cause I don't hook. No way.
Look, Billy,
we work hard here.
- We don't have time for your schemes.
- This ain't a scheme.
- It's... volleyball!
- “Wolleyball?”
So we're gonna get...
rich playing around in the sand?
And trust me, the sand,
it gets in everything. Uh!
No, no.
You don't understand.
Beach volleyball
is an Olympic sport.
We can make it sexy.
Then how come no one's thought
about your great idea until now?
Lots of guys have ideas,
but they don't know how to sell 'em.
I know how to sell 'em.
I'm outta here.
Ladies, Billy.
So what do you say, girls? I'll meet ya
tomorrow morning at Zuma Beach?
Okay, I'll do,
if we make extra money.
Me, too, ‘cause I don't wanna be
shaking my booty forever.
Okay.
I'll see you in the morning.
Hey, Billy!
What do we wear?
Dress for sport.
It's Big Daddy's Chocolate
gaining around the clubhouse turn.
Come on,
Big Daddy's Chocolate!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Big Daddy's Chocolate
and Doughboy moving
up neck and neck.
Jackson! Wake up!
Jackson, You're gonna
wanna watch this.
Come on, baby!
An absolute no-brainer,
ladies and gentlemen!
- Mmph.
- You don't give a shit. Ehh.
Time to make a phone call.
Time to reach out
and touch someone. Aah!
Mooney, I want to
know what you're eating.
These are huge toilet fish
for a dog your size...
so I think you're either eating rats,
cat heads or parts of a squirrel.
Quit your barking!
You should be over here helping me.
My gosh!
I should hire somebody to do this.
I shouldn't be doing this myself.
Mooney, get over here,
pick this up with your mouth,
and take it over and drop
it over the cliff. Help me.
Your poop comes with an oil that I
have not seen before or even smelled.
Mooney, if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna drop-kick you to Catalina.
Ah, you're awake.
If you wanna be my assistant,
you've gotta be awake and alive.
- I'm alive.
- Good boy.
Hello. Uh, is this the
Volleyball Association?
- Yeah, I have a team.
- Volleyball?
I just was wondering how much it costs
to enter one of the matches.
- Yeah, I'll wait. Hmm?
- Hey, Billy?
I was really good at volleyball.
I got a scholarship and everything.
I thought you got a
scholarship in baseball.
I did at USC, but I got one for
volleyball, too, at Pepperdine.
- What happened?
- They had better sidewalks at USC...
and I wanted
to be a skateboarder.
So, you know.
Check these out.
Don't you wear elbow pads?
I do.
Hello? Yes, I was wondering how
much it costs to enter a team into one...
A hundred dollars? Okay, somebody'll
be by this afternoon. Thank you.
Jackson Fargo,
reporting for duty, dude.
How many fingers? Well?
I don't want to
play this game.
Yes. Yes.
Goddamn.
Fuck college.
Help!
Help!
Hi.
- Hey. I'm Jackson.
- I'm Crystal.
Well, you look...
very nice.
Thanks...
These are balls.
Oh, we know all about balls.
I'm happy for you.
These are volleyballs.
Volleyball is kind of...
Ah, we know how
to play “wolleyball.”
Fine. So we have
Champagne and, uh...
Olga!
Olga, right.
And where's Crystal?
Jackson! Work is over here!
Uh, you gotta go
to the thing.
What the hell
are you doing?
Hey, chief. I'm sorry.
I was checking out the roster.
Now, this is Jackson Fargo.
- What's up?
- Hello, Fargo.
He's the assistant coach.
Now, Jackson...
Jackson played...
varsity volleyball in the Pac-10.
He's a legend in volleyball,
so I want you to listen carefully
to everything he says...
because he's very, very bright.
How many balls
do I have in my hand?
- Uh, Billy, I'm not driving.
- Oh, good.
Yo, here comes the new girl.
Mamacita, what's up?
You ready to take care
of business?
Come. Mi casa.
- Hi, I'm Billy Cole. I'm the head coach.
- I'm Corazon.
Nice hands.
Very... Very strong.
- You could be a hitter.
- Oh, si, senor.
Lets kick some rich, white, “hire my cousin
for minimum wage,” Westside ass.
Hey, gringo, are you coming?
That's attitude.
Get the gum.
Let's get a nice volley going.
Control the ball, Champagne.
Keep your feet moving, guys.
Good serve.
Whoo-hoo!
Are you kiddin' me?
- Bend over. Show me that thing.
- God!
I like that hand motion.
Lose your suit
while you're at it.
Why don't you let some real pros
show you how it's done?
Hey, guys.
Enjoy yourself. You know,
it's a free beach. Do whatever you want.
Enjoy yourself,
but, uh, you're just...
you're right on the borderline
of becoming assholes.
Whoa! What's the problem there,
pimp daddy?
No, no, no, no. I'm the pimp,
he's the daddy. We're a team.
Billy, uh, you guys got a problem?
Yeah. What are you
gonna do about it, stoner?
- Dude, I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
- Hey, hey, hey.
It's okay, Jackson.
Hey, Crystal.
Yeah, why don't we show
these boys how we play balls?
Oof!
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Now you're talking.
Yeah, yeah.
Play to seven.
Ease back, ladies and
gentlemen. We got a game.
Yeah, you're goin' down!
- That's how you do it. That's a start.
- Yeah.
Aha!
This is not good
for their confidence.
You gotta believe, Pop.
It's comin' together.
- Look, see?
- Hmm. Yeah.
Come on!
Show these punks who's boss!
Good, very good.
- You got lucky. You got lucky.
- All right. All right.
Let's teach these
pendejos a lesson.
Yeah. You got it, girl.
All right, girl,
let's see what you've got now. Whoo!
Hey, boys!
- Uuh!
- Dude!
Well, I guess that's game.
We won!
Yes!
I can't believe it!
She broke my freakin' nose!
- Come on. Let's get out of here. Come on.
- Yeah, I wanna go home.
Crystal!
Yes, Billy?
Nice rack.
Co-captains.
- Is that good?
- You see what we did?
We worked on that
move for a long time...
That's one of those
wardrobe malfunctions.
Excuse me.
Are you their manager?
- Who wants to know?
- We're throwing a bachelor party...
and we were wondering how much
to book the volleyball team.
Billy Cole...
manager, coach, agent.
Pleasure.
I don't know if we
can really afford 'em.
We only have two grand,
and most of that's going to booze.
You said two grand?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Pop, I was thinkin'...
I don't think you've met
my social director.
He's the best party
planner in Malibu.
This man has thrown parties for...
Well, Heidi Fleiss.
She just went, “Oh, please, stop.
Stop, I'm exhausted.”
Ben Affleck said,
“No more broads, please.”
What did Ben and Heidi cost?
- That's about 500.
- Two... Two grand.
I forgot to carry the one.
That's 2,000 and gas tax.
Yeah, 2,000. Yeah.
We make it B.Y.O.B.
- It's totally worth it. We should talk.
- We should talk.
Well, sir, you come this way
to Mr. Cole's limo. Yeah.
Okay.
Cash.
Let me get that gate for you.
This homeland security thing.
Please put your hands together
for the ice princess, Olga!
Put your hands together
for the lovely Corazon.
Champagne!
Put your hands together
for Crystal!
Man, look at all
these dead presidents.
- How much we make?
- I don't know, Pop.
My hands are cramping
from counting all this money,
but I'm gonna go
ahead and say, “a lot.”
Ah, champagne. Where we get this?
Got it out of the back of your limo.
I figured we deserved a celebration.
Well, you know what? I guess we do, man.
I gotta say something for you, Pops.
You... You're amazing!
First you had the best-looking
roller-derby team in America and now this.
They weren't all pretty, those gals.
Remember Daisy?
Ooh, that was an ugly woman.
She used to cry, and the tears
ran to the back of her head.
Mmm.
Did we ever find out if
she was a dude or not?
Yeah, I did find out...
but I... I don't particularly
want to discuss that story.
Hey, Pop, look, maybe it's
somethin' I'm missin', but...
these are some beautiful broads,
but they ain't athletes.
How the hell are they gonna compete
against somebody like a Christina Hansen?
They don't have to.
You don't take a show horse
and run it against a thoroughbred.
We don't need athletes,
we just need beauties.
These are billboards
for every man's fantasy...
and for you and me...
they are cold, hard cash.
C'mon, let's work on our game.
I thought we were
supposed to hit it over the net.
- Where the hell have you been?
- My bad.
Don't kick it.
It's called volleyball.
Where the hell you been?
Sorry I'm late, man.
I was just checking out Bruce Bruce.
He's doing a huge,
naughty beach party, man.
- Who-Who is Bru-Bruce Bruce?
- Bruce Bruce, man. He's a veejay.
He's doin' a naughty beach party.
He's doin' this TV show.
They're live on TV, like, 24/7, man.
Live... You mean, like,
in the Super Bowl! live?
Yeah, man.
Oh. Well, I tell you what.
I want you to take the girls
and run them down
to Bruce Bruce.
Okay? And then they'll be
on live television. Get it?
You know, I want them to be...
live. Get it?
I got it.
- Got it? He doesn't get it.
- I got it.
Yo, yo, yo! We're live. We're having
a Malibu Beach party right here.
We have the hottest videos, the hottest girls,
right here on Malibu Beach.
- Hi, boys! Hi!
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, don't look at me!
Get the girl!
Whoo!
Those are the...
Those are the girls.
It's Champagne. She's supposed to be
at work in 20 minutes. What is she doing?
I'm a big fan of Brucie Bruce...
but ya can't put ‘em on television
unless they've signed a release.
No. Listen to me.
They want to make their
debut on the Leno show...
and now you've already
shown them on your show.
That's the problem, see?
They're talking about damages here.
Yeah. Hang on a second. Put some sunscreen
on, son. You're gonna burn your nose.
It's okay, Pop.
I got a factory tint.
Hey, I got another call here
from another attorney. Hang on.
Yeah. Ah, hey!
No, no, I haven't forgotten about it.
Listen, you Teamsters... you have a picnic,
I would suggest you don't bring your wives.
Yeah. No, I love the Teamsters.
No, you guys keep America rollin'.
Yeah. How...
Forty-five hundred bucks.
No, no, no, for the afternoon.
And that includes a trailer.
Okay. Yeah.
No, you guys are great.
Keep on truckin'.
Watch and learn.
Okay, look, the lawyers are...
They're on my ass, okay?
No, you gotta make
a decision right now.
Six thousand dollars. Yeah.
No. You know what?
You call me back at this number.
You got one minute.
Bye. Mix up another batch,
will ya, partner?
Ah! Hey, Pop, Tom's back!
- Move it.
- Move it!
What the hell?
Yeah?
Six grand?
Okay. Yeah.
That's good.
- Girl...
- Aren't we supposed to jump?
- Spike it.
- I just don't... I'm not hitting it over.
Hey, gang.
Now, in 10 days, we're gonna
have our first competition.
So we'll find out how
good you really are.
Are we getting paid for that?
No, this is an amateur contest,
so there won't be any compensation.
Nothing?
Not even if we “vin”?
Not even if you “vin.” You see,
this is a revenue-enhancing opportunity.
- But on Saturday...
- Saturday?
- Yeah.
- No. I'm feature dancer, Tommy Z's.
I don't know what you said, but on Saturday
there's gonna be a lot of people here.
So you just work the crowd,
you know?
So anything you get in tips,
you get to keep all the cash.
- All our tips?
- You get to keep all the cash.
- Hey, works for me.
- Thanks, Billy.
- I'll do it.
- Okay? Good. Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
You tell them they can
only have 50% of the tips.
Make sure you tell them 50%.
No more than that. You understand?
They can't have all the freakin” money,
for Chrissake.
Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!
Let's get out of here.
To you, to your house.
Yes. Sorry, sir.
Love your movie.
You number one. Yes. Sorry.
- AV!
- Mornin', Wong.
For the artiste.
Hey, Billy-san, you know
who I talk to on phone now?
Regis Philbin.
No! Mel Gibson-san.
- Oh. He must be a happy guy.
- Oh, no, Billy.
Billy, he no happy.
You see, he chew Wong's ass.
He say,
“Where my ficus tree at?”
Right there.
Oh! You no deliver
ficus to Mel Gibson house?
Why you do this to Wong?
One last friend you have that
lend you money, you do this.
I'm trying to help you
become a bigger success.
Wong don't need you.
- Wong got money. You broke. Wong not broke.
- I know you got money.
I'm just trying to help you get a lot
more money, ‘cause a man like you...
a man who's an entrepreneur,
a man who's a visionary...
you can't have too much money,
because for you money is leverage.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hmm?
- What's leverage?
- I'm gonna tell you what leverage is.
For example, if you put
a bucket of gold out there...
You got gold? How much gold?
It doesn't matter how much.
If you had a bucket out
there with gold in it...
like, say, half full, right?
You'd want people to think
that it was full, wouldn't ya'?
Yeah, to the top.
Right. So you put some
sand and dirt underneath,
and put the gold on top,
and people would say, “Holy sh...
How did he make so much money?”
Billy-san, I no grow no marijuana.
Maybe cilantro,
but no marijuana.
They don't think you do.
They just wanna know,
“How does he make all that money?”
- And you say, “I'll tell you how I do."
- How?
"Because I'm the best.
Because I got the
most beautiful nursery
in all of California."
Yeah, I could say that,
but I'd be lying.
No, no. You wouldn't be lying.
You'd be exaggerating, right?
And in America...
that's called advertising.
Advertising what?
Hi, gang.
Okay, everybody over here.
Now, you've worked pretty hard,
and for that I'm proud of you.
Hmm.
You're a team now, so I probably should,
you know, say something like...
“When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.”
But I'm not gonna say that shit.
Forget about that.
You know what? Forget about
that team out there.
Forget about "em. Okay? I want you
to think of that space out there...
as the biggest showroom
in Vegas!
- Vegas, baby!
- Ooh, yes!
- Yes, sir!
- Okay, here we go, kids. Right here.
Wong's Bonsai!
Okay, go shake your booty.
Kick some ass.
There we go.
Out there, that way, that's it.
Let's hear it for Wong's Bonsais
on courts one and two.
Whoo-hoo!
Hm!
Miss Hansen. Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- Big fan.
- What's your name?
- Billy Cole.
- Hey.
- Hi. What do you think of my team?
- Oh, your team?
- Heh!
So you're the one
who's responsible for all this?
Yeah. I'm the one
that's responsible for this.
Actually, I think
it's gonna be great for volleyball...
because it's gonna
give it a lot of exposure.
- You're kidding me, right?
- No.
- I mean... Billy, right?
- Right.
This is not only degrading for women,
but it's just bad for the sport.
I mean, you're putting on some kind
of freak show with a bunch of hookers.
These are not hookers.
These are strippers.
And actually, let me tell you
something about these girls.
They didn't come from a lot of money.
Maybe they didn't go to college.
They're not the brightest bulbs
in the building, or even the room maybe.
But get used to their faces.
You're gonna see 'em again.
I don't think so. Take a look.
Aww!
They suck.
Nobody's perfect.
Aww!
Ay yiyi!
Go us! Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Unh!
Show me some skin, baby!
That's all right. We
cuter than you anyway.
We have better boobs.
- Headlights!
- You know what? You still suck!
Oh!
Hey, why don't you take it back
to the strip club, Charo?
Coochie, coochie, coochie,
coochie, coochie... Ooh!
- Dude, your balls!
- My balls!
- Mandilon!
- Yeah!
- I think I wanna go home.
- Let's go home.
Hey! Yeah!
Ay, yi, yoi. I broke nail.
You broke her nail, you bitch!
Aww!
Here, good-lookin',
get a manicure. Hoo-hoo!
Olga! Just play. Forget about
your friggin' nails, okay? Just play.
Hey, Pop, look who I found...
our sponsor, Mr. Wong.
- Ahh, Billy-san, me like this.
- Yeah.
- My nails!
- Are you making fun of us?
- Did they say my name on the loudspeaker?
- Oh, of course.
Everybody... The whole place
was chanting, “Wong! Wong!”
They went, like you
say in Japanese, loco.
- Loco! Yeah? Aha!
- Yeah. Yeah.
You eye-ballin' me, bitch?
What you lookin' at? You don't know me!
Oye, puta!
- They supposed to do that?
- Oh, yeah.
I told the girls,
“Don't be intimidated.”
Right.
- Over here, the...
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Remind me I gotta work
on the girls' etiquette.
All right, here's to the ladies.
You guys were great today! Yeah.
Well, damn,
was it somethin' I said?
We got beat!
I no like competition
“wolleyball.”
And they broke
four of my nails!
We were a joke.
People were making fun of us.
Yeah, they were
treatin' us like we were...
sex objects.
Champagne's right.
I mean, in here it's
every girl for herself.
Out there I felt like we
were a part of something.
Yeah, and we was as good
as those white Westside bitches...
who pay my cousin minimum wage
to clean their toilets.
Look, look, look. Ladies, ladies.
All you guys gotta do is win...
and you're gonna turn
their jeers into cheers.
Easy for you to say, Tenspot.
They weren't laughin' at you.
Let 'em laugh all they want.
I don't give a damn if they laugh...
as long as they keep throwing
cash like that around.
What other team do you know
that made $2,900 in tips?
Twenty-nine?
Billy said we got 2,500.
It is... It is 25.
I forgot to carry the one.
You know how I do that sometimes?
The one?
- Tenspot, you holdin' out on us?
- No!
'Cause I've been workin'
too long and too hard
and gettin' sand in
all the wrong places...
to take that
from a brother.
Ooh, my phone.
My phone, it just...
Hello? Hello?
Billy Cole Enterprises.
Uh-huh. Who's calling?
Cabo Wabo Tequila?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The girls? The girls!
Yeah, they were great today.
I was just telling them
that they were great today.
You want to talk to us
about sponsorship?
Well, yeah, look.
I'm sure that Mr. Cole
will be calling you
back momentarily.
He's indisposed right now.
And can I tell you,
I think your tequila is jammin'!
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Ladies, I think we
just got us a sponsor.
Now, make sure you call me the minute
Anthony Hopkins gets in the car.
Yeah, man. I promise you
I'm gonna take care of you. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. All right, all right.
Cool, cool.
Hello. How do I look?
- Where did you get those clothes?
- Up there.
Those are Mr. Hopkins's.
You stole Anthony Hopkins's clothes?
We break into the man's house,
and you stole his clothes?
I didn't steal nothin'!
I'm just borrowing them.
I think I look pretty
dashing, don't you?
I think you should dash upstairs
and change clothes.
What in the hell is that?
- Carlos, right?
- Si
Yeah.
Carlos, you're a houseboy.
You don't come in here and just plop down
on the couch and just start eating. Right?
- Si
- Okay. No sittee on couchee.
- 57
- You don't come in here...
until I ringee... bellee.
- Comprende?
- Si
Okay, ondale, ondale.
Oh, Carlos.
From now on
your name is Chin Cho.
Si.
I thought we needed some houseboys.
You know, give it a little class.
I got him from Wong.
By the way...
we're gonna need a butler.
Your name will be... Hamilton.
Ho! Get the door, will ya?
- Where are you going?
- Hey, I need an entrance.
You need a sedative
is what you need, man.
Hamilton.
What kind of name is that?
Hey, uh, Hopkins resi...
Ooh, I mean, who...
who is at the door
of Mr. Billy Cole?
Open it!
All right!
Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen, please,
entree, entree. Yes. Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Oh, those are some nice, red shirts.
- What are y'all? Y'all twins?
- No, no, no. He got the extra pocket.
- I like pens.
- Hello.
- I'm Billy Cole.
- Ooh, Mr. Cole...
may I present Jim Buckner...
and this handsome gentleman with
the two pockets on his shirt...
is Big Dan Wiener.
Actually, it's, uh, Weiner, really.
I don't know 'bout you, but I'd rather
be known as a big wiener than a big Weiner.
Ohh.
That'll be all, Hamilton.
Y'all need to drink
some of that tequila.
Step into my parlor.
- Parlor!
- Ooh!
Well.
Well, this is, uh,
quite an impressive place you have here.
Well, just a little
weekend getaway.
- Hey.
- Huh?
- Is that a Golden Globe?
- Huh? No!
This? Huh! No!
This is a... nutcracker.
Would you like one?
Maybe later.
- Drink?
- Uh...
Tequila, yeah, sure! Yeah.
Geez! Oh.
Chin Cho...
uh, Cabo Wabo.
Tres... tequila.
Oh! Huh! 57 si.
Yeah.
Just had him a little while.
He used to work for the mayor of Tijuana.
- What a great place.
- Yeah. Well, it's good to move up in the world, hmm?
- Right.
- In life, yeah.
Mr. Cole, we're not gonna take
up a lot of your valuable time.
- No.
- But, Mr. Cole...
I think we have what you're
gonna find a very attractive proposal.
Yeah.
You see, my company feels
that your volleyball team...
is the perfect delivery system
for our alcoholic beverage.
- Uh-huh.
- And that tournament...
has gotten such a response
that it's just amazing.
Sure.
No one can talk about
anything except your girls.
No.
And so what we're gonna do
is have your girls come along with us...
and we're gonna do
a promotional tour
through bars and nightclubs
across the country.
And then what we'll
do is we'll set up
an opponent in each
one of those cities...
you know, somebody
that we can guarantee
that they can beat.
Not unlike, uh, oh, say,
Harlem Globetrotters
or WWF wrestling.
- You know?
- Right.
Well...
I think we're...
We all are headed
in the right direction here...
- Oh, yeah.
- and these girls are gonna take us there.
But then again,
I'll just let you be the judge.
Oh? What? You mean,
they're here right now?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, well, I...
Yeah, I don't know if we're
dressed. I mean, we just...
No, no, they... they like guys
in, uh, bowling outfits.
- Get out. No way.
- Oh?
- Yeah
- Oh, I told you.
A little music
to set the mood?
- Okay then!
- That'd be great.
All right.
Tell Jackson...
to pick up some more booze.
Aha.
Holy mo... Hey, hey, babe!
Hey, babe, isn't Hopkins
out of town?
Yeah, baby,
he's in England.
Well, either somebody
broke into his house...
or he's having
a heck of a party.
Why wasn't I invited?
Hey, you better call 911.
Yeah, Tony.
What's your name, big boy?
It's Wein...
Wiener.
- Big... Dan Wiener.
- Ahh!
Ohh! Hot dog, huh?
- We like the big part.
- Thank you.
Ah, Mr. Cole, I know...
Gracias. I know you have
a fine touch with the ladies...
Heh!
and you have a fine
touch with your ideas, so...
If you can get them...
just to win a couple of games,
that's gonna be real helpful.
You do that,
and we have ourselves a deal. Deal?
Deal.
Attention. This is the
Malibu Police Department.
- Come out with your hands up!
- La migra!
Immigration!
Immigration! I.N.S.!
I.N.S. is coming!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Get down! Everybody on the floor!
Show me your hands!
- Let's go! It's five-O!
- Get on the floor!
Get down! Get down now!
- Get the hell back inside!
- My cousin's a cop in Amarillo, Texas!
- I said down! Now!
- Hold it, hold it, hold it!
- Down! Get down! Get down!
- Get off me!
- Don't move!
- Billy, Billy.
I think the cops are outside.
Oh, now they're inside.
- Pretty boy, down!
- Code 4.
Nothing here but a bunch
of johns and hookers.
Hey! They're not hookers.
They're strippers!
I don't believe it.
We were so close
to a million dollars.
You know, when
those cops came in,
I was shaking the guy's hand.
I was shaking his hand.
We had a verbal agreement
for a million-dollar deal.
I'm going after that million dollars,
and we're gonna get it.
- Okay, you're out.
- Ah, Wong came through.
Not you, Mr. Howell.
Sleeping beauty here.
- Come on, buddy.
- What happened?
- You're out.
- Who are you?
- Come on. Here we go. Nice and slow.
- I...
- All right.
- All right?
Wait. Oh, wait, one more thing.
You're way off base, bud.
No jury in California ever recognized
a verbal commitment as a contract.
- How do you know?
- Well, I'm a... I'm a lawyer.
Huh-huh!
Here's my card.
I specialize in dog bites.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
- You're always workin', aren't ya?
- I hope Crystal's okay.
You know what can happen to an
innocent, young girl in a place like this?
Have you ever seen that
movie Women Behind Bars?
She'll be fine.
Yeah. You have more
to worry about...
you with your highlights
and your green eyes.
You're being too rough! I was
not stalking Pamela Anderson! She knows me!
I used to be David Hasselhoff's stand-in.
- Hey, Billy!
- Hey, Chris, how ya doin'?
Oh, I'm all right!
Okay, guys, just step around the counter.
I'll get your things.
- Ah! Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
I was so worried about you. Did you ever
see that movie Women Behind Bars?
I mean, if that could happen to women,
it can happen to men too.
- Damn. A match made in heaven.
- Heh!
It's okay.
Where's Wong?
No Wong here.
- Well, he paid our bail, right?
- Julie did.
Thanks. I'll pay you back.
Oh, you bet you will.
Jesus, Billy.
Breaking into Anthony Hopkins's house?
- We needed the proper setting.
- Let's understand each other.
If Crystal wasn't so crazy
about that dummy over there...
I would have left
your asses in here.
Oh, and, uh,
because of your “stripper volleyball”...
- the girls don't have a job to go back to.
- I'm gonna work that all out.
Yeah, I'm sure you will. But for who?
Come on, ladies.
- I... I'll call you?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Bye.
She was a little rough, huh?
Yeah, could have been rougher.
At least we didn't end
up as somebody's bitches.
Hey, guys!
Glad I caught you.
I certainly hope you're
here to see somebody else,
cause I thought
I made it clear:
I never want to
see your face again.
I don't think you understand.
Oh, well, sir, I don't
think you understand.
Let me explain it to you.
We represent a huge,
multibillion-dollar beverage corporation...
and can in no way afford
to be associated with
nickel-and-dime, low-life
hustlers like yourself.
See?
See, what you
don't understand...
is how close
Mr. Hopkins and I are.
I mean, if he's said it to me once,
he's said it to me a thousand times:
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Ah, that's good.
I know it's not going to be
easy to insult you, Mr. Cole,
but let me give it
one more shot.
I want nothing to do
with people of your kind.
Excuse me. Drive, Weiner.
I didn't find that insulting at all.
Actually, you know, you can
call me anytime. You got my number!
Open up!
We know you're in there.
- Hello.
- Can we talk to you for a second?
Eh...
- You just passing by?
- We've been thinking.
We... We love playing volleyball,
but we just wanna be the best.
Good. That's what I want.
I want you to be the best.
We don't want anymore
to do bachelor parties and company picnics.
We just want to play volleyball.
Like, legitimately for,
like, AVP or AAU.
And what about Olympics?
Even Russia has team.
I do understand.
But I want you to do
this bachelor party coming up.
You can get a lot of money for that.
Got some very polite lawyers.
I know that sounds like an oxymoron.
And then I want you to go to Vegas,
do some personal appearances...
maybe a car show or two,
and after six months or so...
then you can go do that...
you know, that Olympic thing
and win all those ribbons and stuff.
Look, my friend,
why don't we just cut the caca de vaca?
You know, can't we just
work something halfways?
No.
It's Billy Cole's way...
or the highway.
Thanks.
- All right! Yeah, it's about time!
- Hey, you guys, settle down.
Settle down.
We're gonna have a good time.
I want you guys to
put your hands together loud and strong...
for Wong's Bonsais!
Ha-ha! Everybody smiling.
Everybody happy. Here we go.
Have fun, have fun.
Whoo!
- Go on!
- Come on, come on!
Mud, mud, mud, mud?
Mud, mud, mud, mud!
Pop, I'm with ya till
the wheels fall off.
But this ain't what we signed up for.
This ain't cool.
Uhh!
- Oh, that's it!
- Wait!
Come here.
Come here!
Just relax.
Yeah! Yeah!
This is great!
I have something to say.
Everything I've done...
up until now has been
for all of us...
not just for me.
Sol ain't apologizing
to nobody.
I have been a little bullheaded.
I haven't really listened to anybody.
Actually, I've...
been kind of a putz.
So... I guess I am apologizing.
I just hope from now on
we can just maybe...
just...
make a clean slate of it
and start all over again.
Billy, we're here, aren't we?
From now on,
there ain't gonna be no B.S.
Tommy Z called. He said if you guys
wanna come dance over there...
you're welcome
to come anytime you want.
Stick around here...
you gotta work.
Because you're gonna
be part of something...
part of something good,
something damn good.
You're gonna be part of a team.
We still get to keep
our tips, da?
There ain't gonna be
no more tips...
'cause you ain't gonna work
any more bachelor parties...
and you ain't gonna work
any more conventions...
and when you play volleyball you're not
gonna be playing in the goddamn mud!
You're gonna play real volleyball.
I've got some money here...
$500...
for each side.
It's $250 apiece...
and so you economize from now on,
because, you know...
the big money's comin' in.
Here's your whistle.
Let's go to work.
- Whoo!
- Let's do it!
- All right, ladies.
- Come on, girls.
- Warm up.
- Come on.
- Listen up, girls.
- Come on, girls. Let's do it.
Guess you are pretty serious
about this thing.
I'm as serious
as a heart attack, son.
- We got ourselves a team.
- Yeah. Fo' sure.
Ho. Speak of the devil, and he's bound
to show up. I got a hot one for you today.
- Save it for me. Where's Julie?
- She just walked out the door.
You may be able to catch her
if you go out back.
- Hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Well. I'm back.
That's the bitch you
tellin' me about, right?
Yeah. That's it. Let's party.
Back off, assholes.
Sweetie, we dropped a lot
of money and got nothing for it.
Get off of Mel!
Relax, honey. Come on.
We're just gonna have a little fun.
- Get off!
- No. Hey, take it easy. Come on, honey.
Hey, hey, hey!
Why don't you guys go
before I get hurt?
Why don't you mind
your own business, old man?
Oh, that hurt.
She is my business.
Well, I think we're gonna
buy part of your business.
- You're this whores pimp, aren't you?
- Just name your price.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Come on, man.
- Oh.
- Oh, God. Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay. Jesus.
- You're bleeding. Oh, God.
- No shit.
Jesus, he was big.
Oh, thanks.
You know, you were very good.
Very good.
- Thanks.
- Oh, I got something for ya.
This is the money for the bail.
Oh, it's okay.
Anthony Hopkins dropped the charges.
- I got my money back.
- Huh!
Well, now we can be friends, right?
I want you to understand.
It's not who you are.
It's what you are that I don't like.
Do you understand the difference?
Yeah, but I got a feeling
you're gonna tell me anyway.
When I was in college,
I knew a guy who was just like you.
He was charming, smart, funny.
I thought I was the
luckiest girl in the world.
But then I got pregnant,
and my luck ran out.
And so did he.
He said it just wouldn't work out...
that he wasn't
into any heavy lifting.
Good-bye.
And for the last eight years,
I've raised my son alone.
So it's not that I don't like you;
you're just not a heavy lifter.
Yeah!
Whoo!
I can do it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Get a room, guys.
One, two, three...
That's my team.
Right here. Here. Wong. Wong.
- Got it!
- Okay. Right here. Right here.
Right there.
All right, guys! One more point!
One more point! We got this!
Do it!
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah! Crystal! Go, Olga!
- Wong's Bonsais!
- Okay. Come on.
- Hey, how we doin'?
- We won!
- Chief, they won their last game.
- We won? You're shittin' me.
We did good, very, very good.
- How they doin'?
- Two more points, and we're in the finals.
One more! One more! One more!
Yeah.
- Okay, girl. Just like that.
- That's my girl.
Come on, girl.
- Mine.
- Go, go, go, go!
The Bonsais!
You all right, baby?
- What is this?
- I think her ankle's broken.
No, it's not.
Put some weight on it.
How's that?
That's broken.
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
we'll help you up.
There you go.
Walk it off, honey. Walk it off.
Hey, hey! There she is!
Number-one player. Star. Yes.
I was a fool.
I ruin everything...
for my family,
my people, my team, man.
No. No, cousin. You know, no ruin.
You a star. You a star.
Wong know volleyball.
You come back, you see?
Watch. You are called buena,
muy buena, yeah.
Hey, you're cute.
Yeah?
Where did a little Japanese man
like you learn to speak Spanish, huh?
I go to a college. I... I...
Uh-uh.
My name is Juan. Juan.
I'm a Mexican just like you.
I just use this Asian thing to get ahead
in my business... nursery... right?
I'm trying to fill my pail with gold
and spill over... something Billy told me.
- Comprendes?
- Si
- Si?
- Yo te comprendo.
Well, I don't wanna... hold you up.
But one more thing:
Do you want me to go with you to make sure
they don't touch you in the wrong places?
- No me importa. Vamanos.
- Okay. Let's go. It's your limo.
Okay, come on.
We've got two teams in the finals,
and we only got three players.
I mean, what are we gonna do?
Unless you put a dress
on, we're one player short.
- I'll play.
- Oh.
- Finally.
- What do you mean, “finally”?
Dude, she was all-conference
at Pepperdine.
- Why didn't you tell me that?
- Because she didn't wanna play...
and you always said
that if somebody doesn't wanna play...
you shouldn't try and make "em.
Let me give you a word
of advice about women:
We are never too big
to be small.
You understand?
How many fingers, Billy?
Three.
Welcome live from
Huntington Beach, California...
the setting for one of the fastest, funnest,
most furious competitions under the seagulls.
I'm Chris Rawley, and this is the AVP
Women's Beach Volleyball Championships.
Boy, that's a mouthful.
I'm Harry Hawk, welcoming you
to a delightful day...
of bodies, beauty,
brains and... balls.
That's right, Harry. You know,
this tournament is one of the tournaments...
that has made Christina Hansen
a household name.
And this is the tournament that she
has owned for the last eight years.
Maybe so, Chris,
but I'm like everybody else.
I wanna know...
Who are these mystery girls?
That's right. The big story's the hijacking
of the tournament by Wong's Bonsais.
No, Chris. There's a late
name change on this one.
My bad. Make
that Juan's Bonsais.
You know, they're
fielding two teams...
and they're playing against the
best volleyball players in the world.
But right now,
here's the true star this week:
two-time Olympic gold medalist
Christina Hansen.
- Hey, guys. It's great to be here.
- So, Christina...
how does it feel to be upstaged
on your own turf by some... players.
- You mean “strippers.”
- Now, they earned the right to be here.
Listen, I wouldn't call it upstaged.
It's more like a freak show.
I mean, Juan's bimbos are turning
beach volleyball into burlesque.
Now, come on, Christina.
As a guy, I gotta say.
beach volleyball
has always been a sexy sport.
- Good point.
- I mean, it's one of the reasons...
the game is so popular
among male viewers.
Hey, there's a big difference,
and you guys know it.
Women like me have worked hard to
make this sport legitimate and competitive.
Sure, sex sells. But this is a joke.
It's more like Hooters.
- One of our proud sponsors, by the way.
- You betcha.
Ladies and gentlemen...
a loud round of applause
for Juan's Bonsais Uno.
- We're definitely the best-looking team.
- Sexy's good. Sexy's good.
It's mine. It's “Juan”
with a “J.”
Our returning champions...
Jenn Meredith
and Christina Hansen!
- That's just showin' off.
- Yeah.
Yeah! All right!
And the game mercifully
comes to an end.
- Good game.
- Whoo.
Well, one down and “Juan” to go.
Wow. What a beating.
You know, Harry, the Bonsais are a treat
to look at, but they were up against the best.
There are two Bonsai beauties left; although,
I must say, they are out of their league.
- They didn't suffer.
- No.
You're on, kid.
I'm out.
Uh, I'm sorry. This is us.
- Baby. Baby.
- Hey.
Here. Let me help you
with those.
- Got it!
- Whoo!
Yeah!
You still got it, baby!
You still got it!
And Juan's Bonsais
win their first match.
Well, no surprise here.
Hansen and Meredith
are going to the finals.
The Bonsais win again.
Yeah!
Christina Hansen, here I come!
We're in the finals.
We're in the finals.
Juan's Bonsais have made it to the finals
thanks to a totally unknown player...
who's absolutely
electrified this crowd.
Harry, I don't know who this Julie is,
but she's too good to go unknown for long.
You looked great
out there today.
Thanks.
Jackson tells me you were
headed for the Olympics.
- Is that true?
- That's true.
And Christina Hansen
was my backup on second team.
- How come she didn't recognize you?
- 'Cause I'm a redhead now.
And, you know,
I've filled out a little since then.
All the right places, I might add.
Not to sound like a dirty old man.
You know, Billy,
my son knows the truth about his father...
but not about my job.
Well, you keep playin'
like you are, kid, he's gonna find out.
- Yeah, I know.
- So why'd you do it?
I needed this.
And lately I've been feeling
like something else is happening...
like there's a reason
for all of this.
You really think that?
Of all the people in the world,
you changed their lives.
You made them feel better.
And me too.
And talk about a Hollywood story.
Remember that mystery woman?
She's now no longer a mystery.
Christina?
Yeah, her name is Wanda Blair, and she played
at Pepperdine not so many years back.
And she was on your team
the year you went to the Olympics.
Yeah. I thought she looked familiar...
Wanda...
but the story on her was
she had a nervous breakdown.
She couldn't handle the pressure.
You know, like a whole mental thing.
And the saddest thing was,
she didn't even say good-bye to us.
- Well, it's class reunion time.
- Yeah. One thing's for sure this time though.
Wanda's gonna say good-bye, and fast.
- Would you have any of that zinc?
- Oh, I forgot the zinc.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay, you know. I probably tan well.
I just go straight to a burn
and then heatstroke.
Okay, listen up.
Those two gals over there, they may be two
of the best to ever play this game.
And maybe the very best.
- But I think you can play with em.
- Yeah.
Nobody gave us a chance to be here.
Nobody said we'd get this far.
They all said we'd quit,
didn't they?
- They all said we'd quit, didn't they?
- Yes, sir.
We're here.
Now, what are you gonna do about it?
- Win!
- Let's go for it. Let's go for it.
One more time!
Please welcome Juan's Bonsais Dos!
Oh, my God!
Yeah!
Once again,
our returning champions...
Jenn Meredith
and Christina Hansen!
It wasn't your fault. Look at her.
She's one of them steroid monsters.
You know, one of them experimental...
Two horses had to die to make that woman.
- Don't you worry about it.
- Very, very big.
Whoa! Julie Carr
gives Christina a facial!
Yes, baby!
- You got it! You got it, Big Red!
- Wanda...
great hit,
especially for a stripper.
- Keep talkin'. Keep talkin'.
- You guys are a joke.
'Cause we gonna kick your stuck-up ass
all the way back to Malibu.
- Just serve the ball.
- Don't act like that. Have some class.
Don't get mad; get even.
We might have to get these girls
some boxing gloves.
Nothing wrong
with a good catfight.
Watch your line.
Watch your line.
And Christina Hansen
puts away the first game.
Yes!
Yeah! Come on, Bonsais! You can do it!
Yeah!
God, if we win this,
I'll give up smokin' pot.
- Let's hear it! Whoo!
- Julie Carr rousing up the crowd...
as she serves for game point.
Unbelievable!
The Bonsais win!
All right! All right!
So following a
phenomenal comeback...
by the Bonsai,
were gonna change sides for the players.
It's anyone's match, one game apiece.
Now, remember, folks.
This third and deciding game...
only goes to 15.
- Come on now. Come on how.
- Come on!
Told ya!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Ooh. Out of bounds.
Bonsais get the point.
Dang it.
You like that? You like that?
Hey, you,
why don't you just go back and serve?
Boo!
They are ready to kill each other
over every single point.
It's just vicious out there.
Well, it's 15 to 15...
and the Bonsais are serving
for the point advantage.
They gotta win by two.
- Come on!
- Get it, Jenn.
- Bonsais block for the point!
- All right, baby!
- Julie.
- Looks like Julie Carr is injured.
Oh, my God.
- Julie, you okay?
- Julie, you okay?
- What's wrong, baby?
- I got cramps in both legs.
Let's get her up and get her
in the shade. Come on.
A big hand for Julie Carr.
Let's hear it. Let her hear it.
You let those Bonsais know, they go
one second over their medical, that's it.
This game is over.
Keep an eye on that.
She's dehydrated, Billy. She worked
too hard too fast trying to get in shape.
- I think she's finished.
- The crowd out here is stunned...
and I must admit, saddened.
I mean, they've all fallen in love
with these Juan's Bonsais...
who are now sadly in jeopardy of being
eliminated from the championship game...
with victory right in their grasp.
Well, truth be known,
they lacked experience...
but they made up for it with guts, passion
and the courage to fulfill their dreams.
Unfortunately, there's less than
a minute remaining on the clock.
- All right. we'll forfeit.
- No. Get me back in there.
We only need one more point,
Billy. Get me out to the net.
Are you crazy?
You can't even stand up.
It can't end like this, Billy,
not like this.
These girls bought into your dream...
that they were worth something,
that they had value.
Don't let them let go of this.
Come on. Help me out there.
Hey, ref!
The game ain't over!
- Unbelievable.
- Julie's actually coming back to play.
Billy Cole has got this place
into a frenzy.
It's called ignoring reality
and just going for it.
You are one amazing lady.
You're amazing yourself.
Get the hell out of here.
Let's give it up for Julie!
Yes!
Juan's Bonsais are one point
away from winning this.
- Let's nail em.
- This one's for you.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Okay!
Yeah!
The Bonsais win!
The Bonsais win!
Christina Hansen
eats her words!
Oh, my God!
Hey, that's my girl!
Juan's Bonsais have just done it!
The improbable!
The impossible! They have just won
the AVP Women's Championship!
World champions, baby!
Can you imagine how
they feel? I'm exhausted.
Listen, I'm gonna find a job,
I'm gonna get us a place...
- and you can go back to high school.
- Okay.
- Hey, you!
- You!
You!
- Oh, man. Whoo!
- You!
- On one leg, kid. You killed "em.
- We did it.
We all did it.
- We friends yet?
- Oh, yeah.
I hope more than that.
Ooh. Woof. Yeah, say hello to that big 'un.
She's liable to whip us all.
- Good game.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. It's nice to see you again.
- Great playing.
- Good game.
- Done.
- Yeah!
Billy, your strippers...
I mean, your team...
Uh-huh?
You guys pulled it.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Next year,
we're gonna kick your ass.
We ain't ever gonna
play you again, kid.
You know why?
'Cause you're too damn good.
- I'll see you.
- See ya.
Woof.
Can't believe
you lost to a couple of hookers.
- They're not hookers.
- They're strippers.
- They're good. Okay.
- This is...
- I hate being mistaken, but they're good.
- That's good to know.
When the money starts rollin in,
maybe we'll put a double-decker up there.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
Uh, may I... Hey.
Hi. Hi, Billy. Listen.
Okay, I'm a big enough man to admit
when I've been wrong, and I'm sorry...
about all the bad things
I said about you.
And we are ready to
proceed with the deal.
Oh, excuse me, Pop.
My phone. My phone.
Hello? Hello,
Cuervo. It's Cuervo.
- Cuervo.
- It's the people from Cuervo.
What? Well, you know what? Hang on
one second. I'm sure he'd love to hear it.
Uh, Mr. Cole, Cuervo,
the people from Cuervo...
would like you to know that they are
ready to match any offer that you get.
- Tell 'em we'll get back to em.
- Wait. Now, we have a deal.
Right? I mean,
it's a verbal agreement, Billy.
A verbal agreement in the state
of California doesn't hold any weight.
As a matter of fact, that's what my lawyer
told me, but even if it did...
I would never ever do business...
with a low-life hustler
like you.
Okay. Touché.
- I understand. I know why you're angry.
- Uh-huh.
And, hey, you know what? I respect it,
'cause you have every right to be.
- Pop, can I... can I...
- Just hold it a minute.
Mr. Buckner, I know it's difficult
to insult a man like you, but let me try.
I am not interested in doing business
with you and people of your kind.
Yes, you would.
On the other hand,
when I use the word “you”...
I am not using the word “you”
in the pejorative.
No. I don't know what that means,
but he would never do that.
All right. Well, fantastic.
we'll sign papers tomorrow.
I hope so.
Okay. Great. I thought they were mad.
My radar was way off.
Let's get those Cuervo
people back on the phone.
Pop, there was
no Cuervo people.
I was using that for leverage.
You understand? Leverage?
What you think that meant?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, we're onto something here.
Just think about this:
stripper bowling.
- Oh, Pop, I don't think that's...
- Stripper skiing.
Look, Pop, it's cold.
Oh yes, that's right.
Things pop when they're cold.
Listen to this: stripper golf.
Tell me more about
this stripper golf thing.
Stripper golf is great.
I mean, ‘cause you
love golf anyway, right?
Right.
So if you get a hole in one... Get it?
I'm gonna set you up,
and then you...
you spike the ball into
your opponent, understand?
- Spike.
- Ready?
- Jesus.
- Dad, are you okay?
- Why didn't he duck?
- He's blind, you idiot.
“A” mark.
You know, Mooney, we could probably
get you in The Guinness Book of Records...
for the size of shit you put out
of your little Chihuahua body.
- Would you mind fetching the girls forth?
- Yes, sir, Mr. Cole...
and may I say, you are one
of my favorite white people.
I'll be out in the field
if you need me.
Just call me weary.
Communist bastards.
You wanna wait for the plane,
or shoot it down?
Hey, listen. Anthony Hopkins
left us some shit... Shit.
Can't use none of that shit.
How long was I... gone?
Do I pet you? I'm good to you.
I read you dog stories.
I tickle you.
I tickle you till you pee.
And you like that a lot.
That guy looks familiar.
I want you
to have my children.
- They're in the car.
- Huh?
They're in my... You know,
I have two kids from another “wives.”
- And they wanna meet you.
- I want a churro.
- Paul, it sounds like you're rewriting the movie.
- I know, I know!
- You are gonna do what?
- I'm gonna take strippers...
and turn'em into volleyball players.
Why am I yelling? Do that again.
What?
“You're gonna turn strippers
into volleyball players?”
Yeah, I know. We knew that.
We were just acting.
Just give us a... second.
Thank you.
Okay? Ready? Go.
Keep rolling.
I'll have it in a second.
Okay. Now,
could you just give me the “action” again?
- Anytime.
- Action.
Your mother's ass.
This shouldn't take long.
I think we oughta
put another roll in.
Yeah. Sure.
Uh-huh.
- Good morning, Tenspot.
- Ah, Billy Cole.
Now, that...
that is sexy, very sexy.
Mmm, my color.
Oh, look, I gotta drop Anthony Hopkins
off at the airport in 15 minutes.
He's gonna be gone
for three weeks,
so I'm gonna leave
the cabana unlocked.
There are gonna be
fresh towels under the sink.
You can shower there.
Hmm. I showered at
Barbara and Jim's.
Son, I thought
white folk couldn't jump.
Billy, that ain't
just any white folk.
No, no, that is
Christina Hansen...
NCAA and Olympic
Volleyball Champion.
Really.
What a life we got.
Mansions, Malibu,
swimming pools, limousines.
Not bad, huh?
Son, we gotta
get out of it.
What are you
talkin' about?
I'll tell ya, it's been
gnawing at me for...
10, 20 minutes now.
What is it this time, Billy?
I made a promise
to your father.
Yeah, that you would
never tell me who he is.
Yeah.
And that you would take
care of the kid, and you did.
I... I could have
done a better job.
Pop, you did great.
Tell ya somethin'. I...
I gotta reinvent myself.
I have to make a statement that says...
“Billy Cole is back.”
Well, right now,
Billy Cole is late for work.
Hello, Billy.
Ah, not-so-honorable Mr. Cole!
You late.
You bad example
for white people.
Cut the accent, will ya?
You're bad at it.
Hey, listen.
I told you once, I told you
a hundred times, this business is tough.
If you're a Mexican,
you're just a gardener, but if you...
I know. If you're Asian,
you're a landscaper. Right?
Mr. Mel Gibson want one more
ficus tree today. Chop, chop!
Now, I delivered two ficus trees
to Mel Gibson last week.
Yeah?
What is he, smoking them?
Hey, I don't know,
I don't care, I don't ask.
- You deliver.
- Okay, all right, I'll deliver everything.
Listen, um,
can you loan me 50 bucks?
What? Fifty? Fifty...
You owe me 50! No, I cannot do. Cannot.
I know that. I've got it
written down in my book.
I don't want somethin' for nothin',
especially from friends.
Now, here's what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna take all this stuff.
and I'm going to deliver it for you,
and then that will make us even.
Deal?
Deal! Deal. Okay, you
take off, you deliver, you go.
- Could I borrow 50 dollars?
- What?
You a crazy man! You no pay
the 50 dollar you borrow last time.
You not right up here.
What are you? You mad.
- No! You crazy! Go!
- Don't make a federal case out of it.
Just... Why don't you ask me why
I want the 50 dollars?
- Okay. Okay, Billy-san.
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. We sit down.
- Why you want 50 dollar?
- I'm glad you asked.
Because this afternoon the University of Georgia
plays the University of Alabama...
and it's a no-brainer.
- What is that, Wong's again?
- Yeah.
He loves to bet on football.
You know, he's a little sick
about that game.
I'm a little worried about him, you know,
because of the gambling thing.
Right. You know,
if he ever fixes that,
you'll be looking for
another source of income.
Oh, I got a hot one
for you today, Billy boy.
Big Daddy's Chocolate in the sixth.
It's a no-brainer.
How sure?
How sure, how sure.
Who are talkin' to? How sure.
I gotta draw you a picture
of who I'm gettin' this from?
Mm-hmm.
Word's out: Anybody gets in front
of Big Daddy's Chocolate...
spends the rest of
the season in Cedars.
Cedars-Sinai.
- The hospital. Traction.
- Ah!
Now, that's handicapping.
Yo, Angelo.
How's it goin'?
Yeah, what's the line on
Big Daddy's Chocolate?
Still two to one.
Do me a favor.
Throw another hundred
dollars down for a friend of mine.
Billy Cole.
Yeah, that Billy Cole.
I got his money in my hand.
It's still sweaty.
Ey, who do you think
you're talking to here?
Yeah.
No, it's not counterfeit,
you asshole!
Nyahh!
I apologize, Billy.
I'm very sorry.
That's all right.
Opportunity knocking.
Hi! It's Billy Cole.
We thought it was Tom “Honks.”
No, it's not Tom “Hunks.”
It's me.
Oh, look, I got ya
a little somethin'. Ta-da.
- Oh, it's so small.
- Yeah, that's what they all say.
What is it?
It's a bonsai tree.
They're very rare and very expensive.
So are we.
Yeah.
- So... Hi.
- Hi, Julie. Hey, Julie.
What are you selling today, Billy?
I ain't selling nothing.
I'm here as the friend
of the working woman.
I'm here to talk about money,
a lot of money.
Money always talks.
You know... Tommy Z's a
very good friend of mine.
If I had a daughter
and she wanted to be a stripper...
this is the kind of place
I would want her to work.
Problem is,
you're not outside.
You're not, like,
at the beach and...
breathing in the trade winds
and the fresh air.
You're in the dark.
Wait a minute. You talkin'
about us hookin' on boats?
No!
Cause I don't hook. No way.
Look, Billy,
we work hard here.
- We don't have time for your schemes.
- This ain't a scheme.
- It's... volleyball!
- “Wolleyball?”
So we're gonna get...
rich playing around in the sand?
And trust me, the sand,
it gets in everything. Uh!
No, no.
You don't understand.
Beach volleyball
is an Olympic sport.
We can make it sexy.
Then how come no one's thought
about your great idea until now?
Lots of guys have ideas,
but they don't know how to sell 'em.
I know how to sell 'em.
I'm outta here.
Ladies, Billy.
So what do you say, girls? I'll meet ya
tomorrow morning at Zuma Beach?
Okay, I'll do,
if we make extra money.
Me, too, ‘cause I don't wanna be
shaking my booty forever.
Okay.
I'll see you in the morning.
Hey, Billy!
What do we wear?
Dress for sport.
It's Big Daddy's Chocolate
gaining around the clubhouse turn.
Come on,
Big Daddy's Chocolate!
Ladies and gentlemen,
it's Big Daddy's Chocolate
and Doughboy moving
up neck and neck.
Jackson! Wake up!
Jackson, You're gonna
wanna watch this.
Come on, baby!
An absolute no-brainer,
ladies and gentlemen!
- Mmph.
- You don't give a shit. Ehh.
Time to make a phone call.
Time to reach out
and touch someone. Aah!
Mooney, I want to
know what you're eating.
These are huge toilet fish
for a dog your size...
so I think you're either eating rats,
cat heads or parts of a squirrel.
Quit your barking!
You should be over here helping me.
My gosh!
I should hire somebody to do this.
I shouldn't be doing this myself.
Mooney, get over here,
pick this up with your mouth,
and take it over and drop
it over the cliff. Help me.
Your poop comes with an oil that I
have not seen before or even smelled.
Mooney, if you don't shut up,
I'm gonna drop-kick you to Catalina.
Ah, you're awake.
If you wanna be my assistant,
you've gotta be awake and alive.
- I'm alive.
- Good boy.
Hello. Uh, is this the
Volleyball Association?
- Yeah, I have a team.
- Volleyball?
I just was wondering how much it costs
to enter one of the matches.
- Yeah, I'll wait. Hmm?
- Hey, Billy?
I was really good at volleyball.
I got a scholarship and everything.
I thought you got a
scholarship in baseball.
I did at USC, but I got one for
volleyball, too, at Pepperdine.
- What happened?
- They had better sidewalks at USC...
and I wanted
to be a skateboarder.
So, you know.
Check these out.
Don't you wear elbow pads?
I do.
Hello? Yes, I was wondering how
much it costs to enter a team into one...
A hundred dollars? Okay, somebody'll
be by this afternoon. Thank you.
Jackson Fargo,
reporting for duty, dude.
How many fingers? Well?
I don't want to
play this game.
Yes. Yes.
Goddamn.
Fuck college.
Help!
Help!
Hi.
- Hey. I'm Jackson.
- I'm Crystal.
Well, you look...
very nice.
Thanks...
These are balls.
Oh, we know all about balls.
I'm happy for you.
These are volleyballs.
Volleyball is kind of...
Ah, we know how
to play “wolleyball.”
Fine. So we have
Champagne and, uh...
Olga!
Olga, right.
And where's Crystal?
Jackson! Work is over here!
Uh, you gotta go
to the thing.
What the hell
are you doing?
Hey, chief. I'm sorry.
I was checking out the roster.
Now, this is Jackson Fargo.
- What's up?
- Hello, Fargo.
He's the assistant coach.
Now, Jackson...
Jackson played...
varsity volleyball in the Pac-10.
He's a legend in volleyball,
so I want you to listen carefully
to everything he says...
because he's very, very bright.
How many balls
do I have in my hand?
- Uh, Billy, I'm not driving.
- Oh, good.
Yo, here comes the new girl.
Mamacita, what's up?
You ready to take care
of business?
Come. Mi casa.
- Hi, I'm Billy Cole. I'm the head coach.
- I'm Corazon.
Nice hands.
Very... Very strong.
- You could be a hitter.
- Oh, si, senor.
Lets kick some rich, white, “hire my cousin
for minimum wage,” Westside ass.
Hey, gringo, are you coming?
That's attitude.
Get the gum.
Let's get a nice volley going.
Control the ball, Champagne.
Keep your feet moving, guys.
Good serve.
Whoo-hoo!
Are you kiddin' me?
- Bend over. Show me that thing.
- God!
I like that hand motion.
Lose your suit
while you're at it.
Why don't you let some real pros
show you how it's done?
Hey, guys.
Enjoy yourself. You know,
it's a free beach. Do whatever you want.
Enjoy yourself,
but, uh, you're just...
you're right on the borderline
of becoming assholes.
Whoa! What's the problem there,
pimp daddy?
No, no, no, no. I'm the pimp,
he's the daddy. We're a team.
Billy, uh, you guys got a problem?
Yeah. What are you
gonna do about it, stoner?
- Dude, I'm gonna kick your ass, man.
- Hey, hey, hey.
It's okay, Jackson.
Hey, Crystal.
Yeah, why don't we show
these boys how we play balls?
Oof!
- Yeah, let's do that.
- Now you're talking.
Yeah, yeah.
Play to seven.
Ease back, ladies and
gentlemen. We got a game.
Yeah, you're goin' down!
- That's how you do it. That's a start.
- Yeah.
Aha!
This is not good
for their confidence.
You gotta believe, Pop.
It's comin' together.
- Look, see?
- Hmm. Yeah.
Come on!
Show these punks who's boss!
Good, very good.
- You got lucky. You got lucky.
- All right. All right.
Let's teach these
pendejos a lesson.
Yeah. You got it, girl.
All right, girl,
let's see what you've got now. Whoo!
Hey, boys!
- Uuh!
- Dude!
Well, I guess that's game.
We won!
Yes!
I can't believe it!
She broke my freakin' nose!
- Come on. Let's get out of here. Come on.
- Yeah, I wanna go home.
Crystal!
Yes, Billy?
Nice rack.
Co-captains.
- Is that good?
- You see what we did?
We worked on that
move for a long time...
That's one of those
wardrobe malfunctions.
Excuse me.
Are you their manager?
- Who wants to know?
- We're throwing a bachelor party...
and we were wondering how much
to book the volleyball team.
Billy Cole...
manager, coach, agent.
Pleasure.
I don't know if we
can really afford 'em.
We only have two grand,
and most of that's going to booze.
You said two grand?
- Yeah.
- Hey, Pop, I was thinkin'...
I don't think you've met
my social director.
He's the best party
planner in Malibu.
This man has thrown parties for...
Well, Heidi Fleiss.
She just went, “Oh, please, stop.
Stop, I'm exhausted.”
Ben Affleck said,
“No more broads, please.”
What did Ben and Heidi cost?
- That's about 500.
- Two... Two grand.
I forgot to carry the one.
That's 2,000 and gas tax.
Yeah, 2,000. Yeah.
We make it B.Y.O.B.
- It's totally worth it. We should talk.
- We should talk.
Well, sir, you come this way
to Mr. Cole's limo. Yeah.
Okay.
Cash.
Let me get that gate for you.
This homeland security thing.
Please put your hands together
for the ice princess, Olga!
Put your hands together
for the lovely Corazon.
Champagne!
Put your hands together
for Crystal!
Man, look at all
these dead presidents.
- How much we make?
- I don't know, Pop.
My hands are cramping
from counting all this money,
but I'm gonna go
ahead and say, “a lot.”
Ah, champagne. Where we get this?
Got it out of the back of your limo.
I figured we deserved a celebration.
Well, you know what? I guess we do, man.
I gotta say something for you, Pops.
You... You're amazing!
First you had the best-looking
roller-derby team in America and now this.
They weren't all pretty, those gals.
Remember Daisy?
Ooh, that was an ugly woman.
She used to cry, and the tears
ran to the back of her head.
Mmm.
Did we ever find out if
she was a dude or not?
Yeah, I did find out...
but I... I don't particularly
want to discuss that story.
Hey, Pop, look, maybe it's
somethin' I'm missin', but...
these are some beautiful broads,
but they ain't athletes.
How the hell are they gonna compete
against somebody like a Christina Hansen?
They don't have to.
You don't take a show horse
and run it against a thoroughbred.
We don't need athletes,
we just need beauties.
These are billboards
for every man's fantasy...
and for you and me...
they are cold, hard cash.
C'mon, let's work on our game.
I thought we were
supposed to hit it over the net.
- Where the hell have you been?
- My bad.
Don't kick it.
It's called volleyball.
Where the hell you been?
Sorry I'm late, man.
I was just checking out Bruce Bruce.
He's doing a huge,
naughty beach party, man.
- Who-Who is Bru-Bruce Bruce?
- Bruce Bruce, man. He's a veejay.
He's doin' a naughty beach party.
He's doin' this TV show.
They're live on TV, like, 24/7, man.
Live... You mean, like,
in the Super Bowl! live?
Yeah, man.
Oh. Well, I tell you what.
I want you to take the girls
and run them down
to Bruce Bruce.
Okay? And then they'll be
on live television. Get it?
You know, I want them to be...
live. Get it?
I got it.
- Got it? He doesn't get it.
- I got it.
Yo, yo, yo! We're live. We're having
a Malibu Beach party right here.
We have the hottest videos, the hottest girls,
right here on Malibu Beach.
- Hi, boys! Hi!
- Whoo-hoo!
Hey, don't look at me!
Get the girl!
Whoo!
Those are the...
Those are the girls.
It's Champagne. She's supposed to be
at work in 20 minutes. What is she doing?
I'm a big fan of Brucie Bruce...
but ya can't put ‘em on television
unless they've signed a release.
No. Listen to me.
They want to make their
debut on the Leno show...
and now you've already
shown them on your show.
That's the problem, see?
They're talking about damages here.
Yeah. Hang on a second. Put some sunscreen
on, son. You're gonna burn your nose.
It's okay, Pop.
I got a factory tint.
Hey, I got another call here
from another attorney. Hang on.
Yeah. Ah, hey!
No, no, I haven't forgotten about it.
Listen, you Teamsters... you have a picnic,
I would suggest you don't bring your wives.
Yeah. No, I love the Teamsters.
No, you guys keep America rollin'.
Yeah. How...
Forty-five hundred bucks.
No, no, no, for the afternoon.
And that includes a trailer.
Okay. Yeah.
No, you guys are great.
Keep on truckin'.
Watch and learn.
Okay, look, the lawyers are...
They're on my ass, okay?
No, you gotta make
a decision right now.
Six thousand dollars. Yeah.
No. You know what?
You call me back at this number.
You got one minute.
Bye. Mix up another batch,
will ya, partner?
Ah! Hey, Pop, Tom's back!
- Move it.
- Move it!
What the hell?
Yeah?
Six grand?
Okay. Yeah.
That's good.
- Girl...
- Aren't we supposed to jump?
- Spike it.
- I just don't... I'm not hitting it over.
Hey, gang.
Now, in 10 days, we're gonna
have our first competition.
So we'll find out how
good you really are.
Are we getting paid for that?
No, this is an amateur contest,
so there won't be any compensation.
Nothing?
Not even if we “vin”?
Not even if you “vin.” You see,
this is a revenue-enhancing opportunity.
- But on Saturday...
- Saturday?
- Yeah.
- No. I'm feature dancer, Tommy Z's.
I don't know what you said, but on Saturday
there's gonna be a lot of people here.
So you just work the crowd,
you know?
So anything you get in tips,
you get to keep all the cash.
- All our tips?
- You get to keep all the cash.
- Hey, works for me.
- Thanks, Billy.
- I'll do it.
- Okay? Good. Right. Yeah.
Yeah.
You tell them they can
only have 50% of the tips.
Make sure you tell them 50%.
No more than that. You understand?
They can't have all the freakin” money,
for Chrissake.
Take it off! Take it off! Take it off!
Let's get out of here.
To you, to your house.
Yes. Sorry, sir.
Love your movie.
You number one. Yes. Sorry.
- AV!
- Mornin', Wong.
For the artiste.
Hey, Billy-san, you know
who I talk to on phone now?
Regis Philbin.
No! Mel Gibson-san.
- Oh. He must be a happy guy.
- Oh, no, Billy.
Billy, he no happy.
You see, he chew Wong's ass.
He say,
“Where my ficus tree at?”
Right there.
Oh! You no deliver
ficus to Mel Gibson house?
Why you do this to Wong?
One last friend you have that
lend you money, you do this.
I'm trying to help you
become a bigger success.
Wong don't need you.
- Wong got money. You broke. Wong not broke.
- I know you got money.
I'm just trying to help you get a lot
more money, ‘cause a man like you...
a man who's an entrepreneur,
a man who's a visionary...
you can't have too much money,
because for you money is leverage.
- Hey, hey, hey.
- Hmm?
- What's leverage?
- I'm gonna tell you what leverage is.
For example, if you put
a bucket of gold out there...
You got gold? How much gold?
It doesn't matter how much.
If you had a bucket out
there with gold in it...
like, say, half full, right?
You'd want people to think
that it was full, wouldn't ya'?
Yeah, to the top.
Right. So you put some
sand and dirt underneath,
and put the gold on top,
and people would say, “Holy sh...
How did he make so much money?”
Billy-san, I no grow no marijuana.
Maybe cilantro,
but no marijuana.
They don't think you do.
They just wanna know,
“How does he make all that money?”
- And you say, “I'll tell you how I do."
- How?
"Because I'm the best.
Because I got the
most beautiful nursery
in all of California."
Yeah, I could say that,
but I'd be lying.
No, no. You wouldn't be lying.
You'd be exaggerating, right?
And in America...
that's called advertising.
Advertising what?
Hi, gang.
Okay, everybody over here.
Now, you've worked pretty hard,
and for that I'm proud of you.
Hmm.
You're a team now, so I probably should,
you know, say something like...
“When the going gets tough,
the tough get going.”
But I'm not gonna say that shit.
Forget about that.
You know what? Forget about
that team out there.
Forget about "em. Okay? I want you
to think of that space out there...
as the biggest showroom
in Vegas!
- Vegas, baby!
- Ooh, yes!
- Yes, sir!
- Okay, here we go, kids. Right here.
Wong's Bonsai!
Okay, go shake your booty.
Kick some ass.
There we go.
Out there, that way, that's it.
Let's hear it for Wong's Bonsais
on courts one and two.
Whoo-hoo!
Hm!
Miss Hansen. Hi.
- Oh, hey.
- Big fan.
- What's your name?
- Billy Cole.
- Hey.
- Hi. What do you think of my team?
- Oh, your team?
- Heh!
So you're the one
who's responsible for all this?
Yeah. I'm the one
that's responsible for this.
Actually, I think
it's gonna be great for volleyball...
because it's gonna
give it a lot of exposure.
- You're kidding me, right?
- No.
- I mean... Billy, right?
- Right.
This is not only degrading for women,
but it's just bad for the sport.
I mean, you're putting on some kind
of freak show with a bunch of hookers.
These are not hookers.
These are strippers.
And actually, let me tell you
something about these girls.
They didn't come from a lot of money.
Maybe they didn't go to college.
They're not the brightest bulbs
in the building, or even the room maybe.
But get used to their faces.
You're gonna see 'em again.
I don't think so. Take a look.
Aww!
They suck.
Nobody's perfect.
Aww!
Ay yiyi!
Go us! Whoo!
Whoo-hoo!
Unh!
Show me some skin, baby!
That's all right. We
cuter than you anyway.
We have better boobs.
- Headlights!
- You know what? You still suck!
Oh!
Hey, why don't you take it back
to the strip club, Charo?
Coochie, coochie, coochie,
coochie, coochie... Ooh!
- Dude, your balls!
- My balls!
- Mandilon!
- Yeah!
- I think I wanna go home.
- Let's go home.
Hey! Yeah!
Ay, yi, yoi. I broke nail.
You broke her nail, you bitch!
Aww!
Here, good-lookin',
get a manicure. Hoo-hoo!
Olga! Just play. Forget about
your friggin' nails, okay? Just play.
Hey, Pop, look who I found...
our sponsor, Mr. Wong.
- Ahh, Billy-san, me like this.
- Yeah.
- My nails!
- Are you making fun of us?
- Did they say my name on the loudspeaker?
- Oh, of course.
Everybody... The whole place
was chanting, “Wong! Wong!”
They went, like you
say in Japanese, loco.
- Loco! Yeah? Aha!
- Yeah. Yeah.
You eye-ballin' me, bitch?
What you lookin' at? You don't know me!
Oye, puta!
- They supposed to do that?
- Oh, yeah.
I told the girls,
“Don't be intimidated.”
Right.
- Over here, the...
- Yeah. Uh-huh.
Remind me I gotta work
on the girls' etiquette.
All right, here's to the ladies.
You guys were great today! Yeah.
Well, damn,
was it somethin' I said?
We got beat!
I no like competition
“wolleyball.”
And they broke
four of my nails!
We were a joke.
People were making fun of us.
Yeah, they were
treatin' us like we were...
sex objects.
Champagne's right.
I mean, in here it's
every girl for herself.
Out there I felt like we
were a part of something.
Yeah, and we was as good
as those white Westside bitches...
who pay my cousin minimum wage
to clean their toilets.
Look, look, look. Ladies, ladies.
All you guys gotta do is win...
and you're gonna turn
their jeers into cheers.
Easy for you to say, Tenspot.
They weren't laughin' at you.
Let 'em laugh all they want.
I don't give a damn if they laugh...
as long as they keep throwing
cash like that around.
What other team do you know
that made $2,900 in tips?
Twenty-nine?
Billy said we got 2,500.
It is... It is 25.
I forgot to carry the one.
You know how I do that sometimes?
The one?
- Tenspot, you holdin' out on us?
- No!
'Cause I've been workin'
too long and too hard
and gettin' sand in
all the wrong places...
to take that
from a brother.
Ooh, my phone.
My phone, it just...
Hello? Hello?
Billy Cole Enterprises.
Uh-huh. Who's calling?
Cabo Wabo Tequila?
Yeah, yeah. Yeah, yeah.
The girls? The girls!
Yeah, they were great today.
I was just telling them
that they were great today.
You want to talk to us
about sponsorship?
Well, yeah, look.
I'm sure that Mr. Cole
will be calling you
back momentarily.
He's indisposed right now.
And can I tell you,
I think your tequila is jammin'!
Yeah, yeah.
Okay, thank you.
Ladies, I think we
just got us a sponsor.
Now, make sure you call me the minute
Anthony Hopkins gets in the car.
Yeah, man. I promise you
I'm gonna take care of you. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. All right, all right.
Cool, cool.
Hello. How do I look?
- Where did you get those clothes?
- Up there.
Those are Mr. Hopkins's.
You stole Anthony Hopkins's clothes?
We break into the man's house,
and you stole his clothes?
I didn't steal nothin'!
I'm just borrowing them.
I think I look pretty
dashing, don't you?
I think you should dash upstairs
and change clothes.
What in the hell is that?
- Carlos, right?
- Si
Yeah.
Carlos, you're a houseboy.
You don't come in here and just plop down
on the couch and just start eating. Right?
- Si
- Okay. No sittee on couchee.
- 57
- You don't come in here...
until I ringee... bellee.
- Comprende?
- Si
Okay, ondale, ondale.
Oh, Carlos.
From now on
your name is Chin Cho.
Si.
I thought we needed some houseboys.
You know, give it a little class.
I got him from Wong.
By the way...
we're gonna need a butler.
Your name will be... Hamilton.
Ho! Get the door, will ya?
- Where are you going?
- Hey, I need an entrance.
You need a sedative
is what you need, man.
Hamilton.
What kind of name is that?
Hey, uh, Hopkins resi...
Ooh, I mean, who...
who is at the door
of Mr. Billy Cole?
Open it!
All right!
Ah, gentlemen, gentlemen, please,
entree, entree. Yes. Good to see you.
Good to see you.
Oh, those are some nice, red shirts.
- What are y'all? Y'all twins?
- No, no, no. He got the extra pocket.
- I like pens.
- Hello.
- I'm Billy Cole.
- Ooh, Mr. Cole...
may I present Jim Buckner...
and this handsome gentleman with
the two pockets on his shirt...
is Big Dan Wiener.
Actually, it's, uh, Weiner, really.
I don't know 'bout you, but I'd rather
be known as a big wiener than a big Weiner.
Ohh.
That'll be all, Hamilton.
Y'all need to drink
some of that tequila.
Step into my parlor.
- Parlor!
- Ooh!
Well.
Well, this is, uh,
quite an impressive place you have here.
Well, just a little
weekend getaway.
- Hey.
- Huh?
- Is that a Golden Globe?
- Huh? No!
This? Huh! No!
This is a... nutcracker.
Would you like one?
Maybe later.
- Drink?
- Uh...
Tequila, yeah, sure! Yeah.
Geez! Oh.
Chin Cho...
uh, Cabo Wabo.
Tres... tequila.
Oh! Huh! 57 si.
Yeah.
Just had him a little while.
He used to work for the mayor of Tijuana.
- What a great place.
- Yeah. Well, it's good to move up in the world, hmm?
- Right.
- In life, yeah.
Mr. Cole, we're not gonna take
up a lot of your valuable time.
- No.
- But, Mr. Cole...
I think we have what you're
gonna find a very attractive proposal.
Yeah.
You see, my company feels
that your volleyball team...
is the perfect delivery system
for our alcoholic beverage.
- Uh-huh.
- And that tournament...
has gotten such a response
that it's just amazing.
Sure.
No one can talk about
anything except your girls.
No.
And so what we're gonna do
is have your girls come along with us...
and we're gonna do
a promotional tour
through bars and nightclubs
across the country.
And then what we'll
do is we'll set up
an opponent in each
one of those cities...
you know, somebody
that we can guarantee
that they can beat.
Not unlike, uh, oh, say,
Harlem Globetrotters
or WWF wrestling.
- You know?
- Right.
Well...
I think we're...
We all are headed
in the right direction here...
- Oh, yeah.
- and these girls are gonna take us there.
But then again,
I'll just let you be the judge.
Oh? What? You mean,
they're here right now?
Oh, yeah.
Oh, well, I...
Yeah, I don't know if we're
dressed. I mean, we just...
No, no, they... they like guys
in, uh, bowling outfits.
- Get out. No way.
- Oh?
- Yeah
- Oh, I told you.
A little music
to set the mood?
- Okay then!
- That'd be great.
All right.
Tell Jackson...
to pick up some more booze.
Aha.
Holy mo... Hey, hey, babe!
Hey, babe, isn't Hopkins
out of town?
Yeah, baby,
he's in England.
Well, either somebody
broke into his house...
or he's having
a heck of a party.
Why wasn't I invited?
Hey, you better call 911.
Yeah, Tony.
What's your name, big boy?
It's Wein...
Wiener.
- Big... Dan Wiener.
- Ahh!
Ohh! Hot dog, huh?
- We like the big part.
- Thank you.
Ah, Mr. Cole, I know...
Gracias. I know you have
a fine touch with the ladies...
Heh!
and you have a fine
touch with your ideas, so...
If you can get them...
just to win a couple of games,
that's gonna be real helpful.
You do that,
and we have ourselves a deal. Deal?
Deal.
Attention. This is the
Malibu Police Department.
- Come out with your hands up!
- La migra!
Immigration!
Immigration! I.N.S.!
I.N.S. is coming!
Go, go, go, go, go!
Get down! Everybody on the floor!
Show me your hands!
- Let's go! It's five-O!
- Get on the floor!
Get down! Get down now!
- Get the hell back inside!
- My cousin's a cop in Amarillo, Texas!
- I said down! Now!
- Hold it, hold it, hold it!
- Down! Get down! Get down!
- Get off me!
- Don't move!
- Billy, Billy.
I think the cops are outside.
Oh, now they're inside.
- Pretty boy, down!
- Code 4.
Nothing here but a bunch
of johns and hookers.
Hey! They're not hookers.
They're strippers!
I don't believe it.
We were so close
to a million dollars.
You know, when
those cops came in,
I was shaking the guy's hand.
I was shaking his hand.
We had a verbal agreement
for a million-dollar deal.
I'm going after that million dollars,
and we're gonna get it.
- Okay, you're out.
- Ah, Wong came through.
Not you, Mr. Howell.
Sleeping beauty here.
- Come on, buddy.
- What happened?
- You're out.
- Who are you?
- Come on. Here we go. Nice and slow.
- I...
- All right.
- All right?
Wait. Oh, wait, one more thing.
You're way off base, bud.
No jury in California ever recognized
a verbal commitment as a contract.
- How do you know?
- Well, I'm a... I'm a lawyer.
Huh-huh!
Here's my card.
I specialize in dog bites.
- Perfect.
- Okay.
- You're always workin', aren't ya?
- I hope Crystal's okay.
You know what can happen to an
innocent, young girl in a place like this?
Have you ever seen that
movie Women Behind Bars?
She'll be fine.
Yeah. You have more
to worry about...
you with your highlights
and your green eyes.
You're being too rough! I was
not stalking Pamela Anderson! She knows me!
I used to be David Hasselhoff's stand-in.
- Hey, Billy!
- Hey, Chris, how ya doin'?
Oh, I'm all right!
Okay, guys, just step around the counter.
I'll get your things.
- Ah! Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
I was so worried about you. Did you ever
see that movie Women Behind Bars?
I mean, if that could happen to women,
it can happen to men too.
- Damn. A match made in heaven.
- Heh!
It's okay.
Where's Wong?
No Wong here.
- Well, he paid our bail, right?
- Julie did.
Thanks. I'll pay you back.
Oh, you bet you will.
Jesus, Billy.
Breaking into Anthony Hopkins's house?
- We needed the proper setting.
- Let's understand each other.
If Crystal wasn't so crazy
about that dummy over there...
I would have left
your asses in here.
Oh, and, uh,
because of your “stripper volleyball”...
- the girls don't have a job to go back to.
- I'm gonna work that all out.
Yeah, I'm sure you will. But for who?
Come on, ladies.
- I... I'll call you?
- Mm-hmm.
Okay. Bye.
She was a little rough, huh?
Yeah, could have been rougher.
At least we didn't end
up as somebody's bitches.
Hey, guys!
Glad I caught you.
I certainly hope you're
here to see somebody else,
cause I thought
I made it clear:
I never want to
see your face again.
I don't think you understand.
Oh, well, sir, I don't
think you understand.
Let me explain it to you.
We represent a huge,
multibillion-dollar beverage corporation...
and can in no way afford
to be associated with
nickel-and-dime, low-life
hustlers like yourself.
See?
See, what you
don't understand...
is how close
Mr. Hopkins and I are.
I mean, if he's said it to me once,
he's said it to me a thousand times:
- Mi casa es su casa.
- Ah, that's good.
I know it's not going to be
easy to insult you, Mr. Cole,
but let me give it
one more shot.
I want nothing to do
with people of your kind.
Excuse me. Drive, Weiner.
I didn't find that insulting at all.
Actually, you know, you can
call me anytime. You got my number!
Open up!
We know you're in there.
- Hello.
- Can we talk to you for a second?
Eh...
- You just passing by?
- We've been thinking.
We... We love playing volleyball,
but we just wanna be the best.
Good. That's what I want.
I want you to be the best.
We don't want anymore
to do bachelor parties and company picnics.
We just want to play volleyball.
Like, legitimately for,
like, AVP or AAU.
And what about Olympics?
Even Russia has team.
I do understand.
But I want you to do
this bachelor party coming up.
You can get a lot of money for that.
Got some very polite lawyers.
I know that sounds like an oxymoron.
And then I want you to go to Vegas,
do some personal appearances...
maybe a car show or two,
and after six months or so...
then you can go do that...
you know, that Olympic thing
and win all those ribbons and stuff.
Look, my friend,
why don't we just cut the caca de vaca?
You know, can't we just
work something halfways?
No.
It's Billy Cole's way...
or the highway.
Thanks.
- All right! Yeah, it's about time!
- Hey, you guys, settle down.
Settle down.
We're gonna have a good time.
I want you guys to
put your hands together loud and strong...
for Wong's Bonsais!
Ha-ha! Everybody smiling.
Everybody happy. Here we go.
Have fun, have fun.
Whoo!
- Go on!
- Come on, come on!
Mud, mud, mud, mud?
Mud, mud, mud, mud!
Pop, I'm with ya till
the wheels fall off.
But this ain't what we signed up for.
This ain't cool.
Uhh!
- Oh, that's it!
- Wait!
Come here.
Come here!
Just relax.
Yeah! Yeah!
This is great!
I have something to say.
Everything I've done...
up until now has been
for all of us...
not just for me.
Sol ain't apologizing
to nobody.
I have been a little bullheaded.
I haven't really listened to anybody.
Actually, I've...
been kind of a putz.
So... I guess I am apologizing.
I just hope from now on
we can just maybe...
just...
make a clean slate of it
and start all over again.
Billy, we're here, aren't we?
From now on,
there ain't gonna be no B.S.
Tommy Z called. He said if you guys
wanna come dance over there...
you're welcome
to come anytime you want.
Stick around here...
you gotta work.
Because you're gonna
be part of something...
part of something good,
something damn good.
You're gonna be part of a team.
We still get to keep
our tips, da?
There ain't gonna be
no more tips...
'cause you ain't gonna work
any more bachelor parties...
and you ain't gonna work
any more conventions...
and when you play volleyball you're not
gonna be playing in the goddamn mud!
You're gonna play real volleyball.
I've got some money here...
$500...
for each side.
It's $250 apiece...
and so you economize from now on,
because, you know...
the big money's comin' in.
Here's your whistle.
Let's go to work.
- Whoo!
- Let's do it!
- All right, ladies.
- Come on, girls.
- Warm up.
- Come on.
- Listen up, girls.
- Come on, girls. Let's do it.
Guess you are pretty serious
about this thing.
I'm as serious
as a heart attack, son.
- We got ourselves a team.
- Yeah. Fo' sure.
Ho. Speak of the devil, and he's bound
to show up. I got a hot one for you today.
- Save it for me. Where's Julie?
- She just walked out the door.
You may be able to catch her
if you go out back.
- Hoo-hoo-hoo.
- Well. I'm back.
That's the bitch you
tellin' me about, right?
Yeah. That's it. Let's party.
Back off, assholes.
Sweetie, we dropped a lot
of money and got nothing for it.
Get off of Mel!
Relax, honey. Come on.
We're just gonna have a little fun.
- Get off!
- No. Hey, take it easy. Come on, honey.
Hey, hey, hey!
Why don't you guys go
before I get hurt?
Why don't you mind
your own business, old man?
Oh, that hurt.
She is my business.
Well, I think we're gonna
buy part of your business.
- You're this whores pimp, aren't you?
- Just name your price.
Ohh.
Ohh.
Come on, man.
- Oh.
- Oh, God. Are you okay?
No, I'm not okay. Jesus.
- You're bleeding. Oh, God.
- No shit.
Jesus, he was big.
Oh, thanks.
You know, you were very good.
Very good.
- Thanks.
- Oh, I got something for ya.
This is the money for the bail.
Oh, it's okay.
Anthony Hopkins dropped the charges.
- I got my money back.
- Huh!
Well, now we can be friends, right?
I want you to understand.
It's not who you are.
It's what you are that I don't like.
Do you understand the difference?
Yeah, but I got a feeling
you're gonna tell me anyway.
When I was in college,
I knew a guy who was just like you.
He was charming, smart, funny.
I thought I was the
luckiest girl in the world.
But then I got pregnant,
and my luck ran out.
And so did he.
He said it just wouldn't work out...
that he wasn't
into any heavy lifting.
Good-bye.
And for the last eight years,
I've raised my son alone.
So it's not that I don't like you;
you're just not a heavy lifter.
Yeah!
Whoo!
I can do it.
Hey, hey, hey, hey.
Get a room, guys.
One, two, three...
That's my team.
Right here. Here. Wong. Wong.
- Got it!
- Okay. Right here. Right here.
Right there.
All right, guys! One more point!
One more point! We got this!
Do it!
Yeah! Whoo!
Yeah! Crystal! Go, Olga!
- Wong's Bonsais!
- Okay. Come on.
- Hey, how we doin'?
- We won!
- Chief, they won their last game.
- We won? You're shittin' me.
We did good, very, very good.
- How they doin'?
- Two more points, and we're in the finals.
One more! One more! One more!
Yeah.
- Okay, girl. Just like that.
- That's my girl.
Come on, girl.
- Mine.
- Go, go, go, go!
The Bonsais!
You all right, baby?
- What is this?
- I think her ankle's broken.
No, it's not.
Put some weight on it.
How's that?
That's broken.
Don't move. Don't move. Don't move.
we'll help you up.
There you go.
Walk it off, honey. Walk it off.
Hey, hey! There she is!
Number-one player. Star. Yes.
I was a fool.
I ruin everything...
for my family,
my people, my team, man.
No. No, cousin. You know, no ruin.
You a star. You a star.
Wong know volleyball.
You come back, you see?
Watch. You are called buena,
muy buena, yeah.
Hey, you're cute.
Yeah?
Where did a little Japanese man
like you learn to speak Spanish, huh?
I go to a college. I... I...
Uh-uh.
My name is Juan. Juan.
I'm a Mexican just like you.
I just use this Asian thing to get ahead
in my business... nursery... right?
I'm trying to fill my pail with gold
and spill over... something Billy told me.
- Comprendes?
- Si
- Si?
- Yo te comprendo.
Well, I don't wanna... hold you up.
But one more thing:
Do you want me to go with you to make sure
they don't touch you in the wrong places?
- No me importa. Vamanos.
- Okay. Let's go. It's your limo.
Okay, come on.
We've got two teams in the finals,
and we only got three players.
I mean, what are we gonna do?
Unless you put a dress
on, we're one player short.
- I'll play.
- Oh.
- Finally.
- What do you mean, “finally”?
Dude, she was all-conference
at Pepperdine.
- Why didn't you tell me that?
- Because she didn't wanna play...
and you always said
that if somebody doesn't wanna play...
you shouldn't try and make "em.
Let me give you a word
of advice about women:
We are never too big
to be small.
You understand?
How many fingers, Billy?
Three.
Welcome live from
Huntington Beach, California...
the setting for one of the fastest, funnest,
most furious competitions under the seagulls.
I'm Chris Rawley, and this is the AVP
Women's Beach Volleyball Championships.
Boy, that's a mouthful.
I'm Harry Hawk, welcoming you
to a delightful day...
of bodies, beauty,
brains and... balls.
That's right, Harry. You know,
this tournament is one of the tournaments...
that has made Christina Hansen
a household name.
And this is the tournament that she
has owned for the last eight years.
Maybe so, Chris,
but I'm like everybody else.
I wanna know...
Who are these mystery girls?
That's right. The big story's the hijacking
of the tournament by Wong's Bonsais.
No, Chris. There's a late
name change on this one.
My bad. Make
that Juan's Bonsais.
You know, they're
fielding two teams...
and they're playing against the
best volleyball players in the world.
But right now,
here's the true star this week:
two-time Olympic gold medalist
Christina Hansen.
- Hey, guys. It's great to be here.
- So, Christina...
how does it feel to be upstaged
on your own turf by some... players.
- You mean “strippers.”
- Now, they earned the right to be here.
Listen, I wouldn't call it upstaged.
It's more like a freak show.
I mean, Juan's bimbos are turning
beach volleyball into burlesque.
Now, come on, Christina.
As a guy, I gotta say.
beach volleyball
has always been a sexy sport.
- Good point.
- I mean, it's one of the reasons...
the game is so popular
among male viewers.
Hey, there's a big difference,
and you guys know it.
Women like me have worked hard to
make this sport legitimate and competitive.
Sure, sex sells. But this is a joke.
It's more like Hooters.
- One of our proud sponsors, by the way.
- You betcha.
Ladies and gentlemen...
a loud round of applause
for Juan's Bonsais Uno.
- We're definitely the best-looking team.
- Sexy's good. Sexy's good.
It's mine. It's “Juan”
with a “J.”
Our returning champions...
Jenn Meredith
and Christina Hansen!
- That's just showin' off.
- Yeah.
Yeah! All right!
And the game mercifully
comes to an end.
- Good game.
- Whoo.
Well, one down and “Juan” to go.
Wow. What a beating.
You know, Harry, the Bonsais are a treat
to look at, but they were up against the best.
There are two Bonsai beauties left; although,
I must say, they are out of their league.
- They didn't suffer.
- No.
You're on, kid.
I'm out.
Uh, I'm sorry. This is us.
- Baby. Baby.
- Hey.
Here. Let me help you
with those.
- Got it!
- Whoo!
Yeah!
You still got it, baby!
You still got it!
And Juan's Bonsais
win their first match.
Well, no surprise here.
Hansen and Meredith
are going to the finals.
The Bonsais win again.
Yeah!
Christina Hansen, here I come!
We're in the finals.
We're in the finals.
Juan's Bonsais have made it to the finals
thanks to a totally unknown player...
who's absolutely
electrified this crowd.
Harry, I don't know who this Julie is,
but she's too good to go unknown for long.
You looked great
out there today.
Thanks.
Jackson tells me you were
headed for the Olympics.
- Is that true?
- That's true.
And Christina Hansen
was my backup on second team.
- How come she didn't recognize you?
- 'Cause I'm a redhead now.
And, you know,
I've filled out a little since then.
All the right places, I might add.
Not to sound like a dirty old man.
You know, Billy,
my son knows the truth about his father...
but not about my job.
Well, you keep playin'
like you are, kid, he's gonna find out.
- Yeah, I know.
- So why'd you do it?
I needed this.
And lately I've been feeling
like something else is happening...
like there's a reason
for all of this.
You really think that?
Of all the people in the world,
you changed their lives.
You made them feel better.
And me too.
And talk about a Hollywood story.
Remember that mystery woman?
She's now no longer a mystery.
Christina?
Yeah, her name is Wanda Blair, and she played
at Pepperdine not so many years back.
And she was on your team
the year you went to the Olympics.
Yeah. I thought she looked familiar...
Wanda...
but the story on her was
she had a nervous breakdown.
She couldn't handle the pressure.
You know, like a whole mental thing.
And the saddest thing was,
she didn't even say good-bye to us.
- Well, it's class reunion time.
- Yeah. One thing's for sure this time though.
Wanda's gonna say good-bye, and fast.
- Would you have any of that zinc?
- Oh, I forgot the zinc.
- I'm sorry.
- That's okay, you know. I probably tan well.
I just go straight to a burn
and then heatstroke.
Okay, listen up.
Those two gals over there, they may be two
of the best to ever play this game.
And maybe the very best.
- But I think you can play with em.
- Yeah.
Nobody gave us a chance to be here.
Nobody said we'd get this far.
They all said we'd quit,
didn't they?
- They all said we'd quit, didn't they?
- Yes, sir.
We're here.
Now, what are you gonna do about it?
- Win!
- Let's go for it. Let's go for it.
One more time!
Please welcome Juan's Bonsais Dos!
Oh, my God!
Yeah!
Once again,
our returning champions...
Jenn Meredith
and Christina Hansen!
It wasn't your fault. Look at her.
She's one of them steroid monsters.
You know, one of them experimental...
Two horses had to die to make that woman.
- Don't you worry about it.
- Very, very big.
Whoa! Julie Carr
gives Christina a facial!
Yes, baby!
- You got it! You got it, Big Red!
- Wanda...
great hit,
especially for a stripper.
- Keep talkin'. Keep talkin'.
- You guys are a joke.
'Cause we gonna kick your stuck-up ass
all the way back to Malibu.
- Just serve the ball.
- Don't act like that. Have some class.
Don't get mad; get even.
We might have to get these girls
some boxing gloves.
Nothing wrong
with a good catfight.
Watch your line.
Watch your line.
And Christina Hansen
puts away the first game.
Yes!
Yeah! Come on, Bonsais! You can do it!
Yeah!
God, if we win this,
I'll give up smokin' pot.
- Let's hear it! Whoo!
- Julie Carr rousing up the crowd...
as she serves for game point.
Unbelievable!
The Bonsais win!
All right! All right!
So following a
phenomenal comeback...
by the Bonsai,
were gonna change sides for the players.
It's anyone's match, one game apiece.
Now, remember, folks.
This third and deciding game...
only goes to 15.
- Come on now. Come on how.
- Come on!
Told ya!
- Yeah!
- Yes!
- Yes!
- Yeah!
Ooh. Out of bounds.
Bonsais get the point.
Dang it.
You like that? You like that?
Hey, you,
why don't you just go back and serve?
Boo!
They are ready to kill each other
over every single point.
It's just vicious out there.
Well, it's 15 to 15...
and the Bonsais are serving
for the point advantage.
They gotta win by two.
- Come on!
- Get it, Jenn.
- Bonsais block for the point!
- All right, baby!
- Julie.
- Looks like Julie Carr is injured.
Oh, my God.
- Julie, you okay?
- Julie, you okay?
- What's wrong, baby?
- I got cramps in both legs.
Let's get her up and get her
in the shade. Come on.
A big hand for Julie Carr.
Let's hear it. Let her hear it.
You let those Bonsais know, they go
one second over their medical, that's it.
This game is over.
Keep an eye on that.
She's dehydrated, Billy. She worked
too hard too fast trying to get in shape.
- I think she's finished.
- The crowd out here is stunned...
and I must admit, saddened.
I mean, they've all fallen in love
with these Juan's Bonsais...
who are now sadly in jeopardy of being
eliminated from the championship game...
with victory right in their grasp.
Well, truth be known,
they lacked experience...
but they made up for it with guts, passion
and the courage to fulfill their dreams.
Unfortunately, there's less than
a minute remaining on the clock.
- All right. we'll forfeit.
- No. Get me back in there.
We only need one more point,
Billy. Get me out to the net.
Are you crazy?
You can't even stand up.
It can't end like this, Billy,
not like this.
These girls bought into your dream...
that they were worth something,
that they had value.
Don't let them let go of this.
Come on. Help me out there.
Hey, ref!
The game ain't over!
- Unbelievable.
- Julie's actually coming back to play.
Billy Cole has got this place
into a frenzy.
It's called ignoring reality
and just going for it.
You are one amazing lady.
You're amazing yourself.
Get the hell out of here.
Let's give it up for Julie!
Yes!
Juan's Bonsais are one point
away from winning this.
- Let's nail em.
- This one's for you.
- Mine.
- Mine.
Come on. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Okay!
Yeah!
The Bonsais win!
The Bonsais win!
Christina Hansen
eats her words!
Oh, my God!
Hey, that's my girl!
Juan's Bonsais have just done it!
The improbable!
The impossible! They have just won
the AVP Women's Championship!
World champions, baby!
Can you imagine how
they feel? I'm exhausted.
Listen, I'm gonna find a job,
I'm gonna get us a place...
- and you can go back to high school.
- Okay.
- Hey, you!
- You!
You!
- Oh, man. Whoo!
- You!
- On one leg, kid. You killed "em.
- We did it.
We all did it.
- We friends yet?
- Oh, yeah.
I hope more than that.
Ooh. Woof. Yeah, say hello to that big 'un.
She's liable to whip us all.
- Good game.
- Congratulations.
- Congratulations.
- Thank you. It's nice to see you again.
- Great playing.
- Good game.
- Done.
- Yeah!
Billy, your strippers...
I mean, your team...
Uh-huh?
You guys pulled it.
Congratulations.
Thank you.
Next year,
we're gonna kick your ass.
We ain't ever gonna
play you again, kid.
You know why?
'Cause you're too damn good.
- I'll see you.
- See ya.
Woof.
Can't believe
you lost to a couple of hookers.
- They're not hookers.
- They're strippers.
- They're good. Okay.
- This is...
- I hate being mistaken, but they're good.
- That's good to know.
When the money starts rollin in,
maybe we'll put a double-decker up there.
- Oh, yeah.
- Hey.
Uh, may I... Hey.
Hi. Hi, Billy. Listen.
Okay, I'm a big enough man to admit
when I've been wrong, and I'm sorry...
about all the bad things
I said about you.
And we are ready to
proceed with the deal.
Oh, excuse me, Pop.
My phone. My phone.
Hello? Hello,
Cuervo. It's Cuervo.
- Cuervo.
- It's the people from Cuervo.
What? Well, you know what? Hang on
one second. I'm sure he'd love to hear it.
Uh, Mr. Cole, Cuervo,
the people from Cuervo...
would like you to know that they are
ready to match any offer that you get.
- Tell 'em we'll get back to em.
- Wait. Now, we have a deal.
Right? I mean,
it's a verbal agreement, Billy.
A verbal agreement in the state
of California doesn't hold any weight.
As a matter of fact, that's what my lawyer
told me, but even if it did...
I would never ever do business...
with a low-life hustler
like you.
Okay. Touché.
- I understand. I know why you're angry.
- Uh-huh.
And, hey, you know what? I respect it,
'cause you have every right to be.
- Pop, can I... can I...
- Just hold it a minute.
Mr. Buckner, I know it's difficult
to insult a man like you, but let me try.
I am not interested in doing business
with you and people of your kind.
Yes, you would.
On the other hand,
when I use the word “you”...
I am not using the word “you”
in the pejorative.
No. I don't know what that means,
but he would never do that.
All right. Well, fantastic.
we'll sign papers tomorrow.
I hope so.
Okay. Great. I thought they were mad.
My radar was way off.
Let's get those Cuervo
people back on the phone.
Pop, there was
no Cuervo people.
I was using that for leverage.
You understand? Leverage?
What you think that meant?
- Yeah.
- Oh, yeah.
Hey, we're onto something here.
Just think about this:
stripper bowling.
- Oh, Pop, I don't think that's...
- Stripper skiing.
Look, Pop, it's cold.
Oh yes, that's right.
Things pop when they're cold.
Listen to this: stripper golf.
Tell me more about
this stripper golf thing.
Stripper golf is great.
I mean, ‘cause you
love golf anyway, right?
Right.
So if you get a hole in one... Get it?
I'm gonna set you up,
and then you...
you spike the ball into
your opponent, understand?
- Spike.
- Ready?
- Jesus.
- Dad, are you okay?
- Why didn't he duck?
- He's blind, you idiot.
“A” mark.
You know, Mooney, we could probably
get you in The Guinness Book of Records...
for the size of shit you put out
of your little Chihuahua body.
- Would you mind fetching the girls forth?
- Yes, sir, Mr. Cole...
and may I say, you are one
of my favorite white people.
I'll be out in the field
if you need me.
Just call me weary.
Communist bastards.
You wanna wait for the plane,
or shoot it down?
Hey, listen. Anthony Hopkins
left us some shit... Shit.
Can't use none of that shit.
How long was I... gone?
Do I pet you? I'm good to you.
I read you dog stories.
I tickle you.
I tickle you till you pee.
And you like that a lot.
That guy looks familiar.
I want you
to have my children.
- They're in the car.
- Huh?
They're in my... You know,
I have two kids from another “wives.”
- And they wanna meet you.
- I want a churro.
- Paul, it sounds like you're rewriting the movie.
- I know, I know!
- You are gonna do what?
- I'm gonna take strippers...
and turn'em into volleyball players.
Why am I yelling? Do that again.
What?
“You're gonna turn strippers
into volleyball players?”
Yeah, I know. We knew that.
We were just acting.
Just give us a... second.
Thank you.
Okay? Ready? Go.
Keep rolling.
I'll have it in a second.
Okay. Now,
could you just give me the “action” again?
- Anytime.
- Action.
Your mother's ass.
This shouldn't take long.
I think we oughta
put another roll in.