Clerks II (2006) - full transcript

(quiet, noble melody playing)

(music fades)

(car approaching)

(keys jingling)

(flames crackling)

(flames crackling)

Yeah, I got a fire
at the Quick Stop.

Yeah.

(steam hissing)

(hissing and crackling)

(debris rattling)



(bell dings)

Terrorists?

I left the coffee pot
on again, didn't I?

Shit!

Now where am I gonna
bring chicks to fuck

when my mom's home?

(Talking Heads' "Nothing
But Flowers" intro playing)

(horn honks)

# Here we stand #

# Like an Adam and an Eve #

# Waterfalls #

# The Garden of Eden #

# Two fools in love #

# So beautiful... #



So, ready for your big last day?

I am.

When do you and your old lady
head down to Florida?

Tomorrow morning.

Car's all packed up.

You gonna do anything crazy

before you leave
New Jersey forever?

How long have you known me?

If I were you,
I'd spray-paint "eat pussy"

across the side of the building
in huge letters.

Why?

Let 'em know
you were there, man.

I'd rather let them know
I'm not an asshole.

Too late for that.

I'm really gonna miss you, man.

# Hey #

# Once there were parking lots #

# Now it's a peaceful oasis #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# This was a Pizza Hut #

# Now it's all covered
with daisies #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# I miss the honky-tonks,
Dairy Queens and 7-Elevens #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# And as things fell apart #

# Nobody paid much attention #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# Years ago #

# I was an angry young man... #

I can't believe they haven't
done anything with it yet.

The Lord did
something with it.

He smited that hellhole.

Listen to you.

Do you mean to tell me

you don't miss
that place at all?

(scoffs):
God, no.

Do you?

Of course not.

# I wish I had a lawnmower #

# You've got it, you've got it #

##

##

##

# I dream of cherry pies #

# Candy bars
and chocolate chip cookies #

# You've got it, you've got it #

# Don't leave me stranded here #

# I can't get used
to this lifestyle. #

(heavy metal music playing)

(whistles)

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on that holiday site? #

Get the fuck out of here!

# Grandma said, "Do come in,
my little friend." #

You know, sometimes I wish
I did a little more with my life

instead of hanging out in front
of places selling weed and shit.

Like, maybe be an animal doctor.

Why not me?

I like seals and shit.

Or maybe an astronaut.

Yeah.

Like, be the first motherfucker
to see a new galaxy

or find
a new alien life-form...

and fuck it.

And people'd be like,
"There he goes.

Homeboy fucked a Martian once."

Holy shit.

Our first customer
since our triumphant return.

Act cool.

Hold on.

Yeah, you guys holdin'?

Shit, everything but coke,
heroin and your cock.

What?

How about a nickel bag, man?

(sing-songy):
Oh, 15 bucks, little man.

Put that shit in my hand.

# Nong, nong, nagga-
nagga-nong-nong. #

He likes to sing.

So, uh, I haven't seen
you guys in a while, man.

Where you been all this time?

Me and Silent Bob
finally bought a car,

we're cruising down
to the Boardwalk...

fucking Middletown cop
pulls us over

for Suspicion of Mischief.

What the fuck does that mean?

We were driving around
with a deployed airbag.

The cops pull us over.

They find two pounds
of Jamaican lambswool.

Prosecutor wants
to put us away for a dime,

but the judge gives us
rehab instead.

Shit, rehab?

Yup-yup.

How long were you in?

JAY:
Six months, sir.

We got six months
and two days on the wagon

as a good friend of Bill W.'s.

Check it out.

Just got it two days ago,
before we got out.

Yeah, but if you're holding
all the time,

aren't you gonna be tempted
to get high?

Oh, not with the power
of Christ on my side, sir.

Is that a fuckin' Bible?

Hey, hey,
the Holy fuckin' Bible, son!

What the fuck kind
of songbird Jesus-freak dealer

did you bring me to?

(laughs): I like them, man.
They're funny.

They're fuckin' stupid.

You should read your Bible,
sirs.

You'll find all types
of weird shit in there.

Like, did you know
Jesus was a Jew?

Yeah.

(chuckles)

I need two Egga-Mooby Muffins,

and we're almost out
of hash browns.

Hold on.

Now, Randal!

(chuckling)

What are you writing
over there, anyway,

your memoirs?

I'm battling

this jackass
on his blog's message board.

About what?

On how he's got
too much free time and no life.

So does the guy who's
flaming him on his Web site.

I can't help it.
The guy pisses me off.

It's this fuck in a wheelchair

that's always preying
on everyone's sympathies,

writing these long diatribes
about how he'll never walk again

and how walkers should
appreciate the blessings

of their functioning legs.

That diatribe, as you call it,

sounds like
some poor crippled guy

pouring out his heart
and feelings.

Oh, fuck him, man.

Trying to guilt me
into walking around more

because he's all gimped out?

What kind of mind-fuck
is that shit?

So I've been getting
into it with him,

throwing it back
in his stupid crippy-boy face

about how I love
to just sit around

and how I'd rather drive to
the end of the block than walk.

The guy's in a wheelchair.

Yeah. That's why
I called him crippy-boy.

Have a good one.

You fuckin' freak.

(door buzzer moos)

I'm not even gonna point out
the irony here.

What's the matter with you?

What'd I do now?

There's a crippled guy
who found a way

to reach out to a world
he feels isolated from,

and you somehow found a
way to take issue with him.

Sure, take his side.

Have you become so embittered

that you now feel the need
to attack the handicapped?

What handicap?

The guy's
just in a wheelchair.

It's not like
he's Anne Frank or something.

Anne Frank?

Yeah, Anne Frank,
the chick that was all...

(moaning)

...till the miracle worker
showed up

and knocked
some smarts into her.

(snickers):
You're talking

about Helen Keller.

No, I'm not.
I'm talking about Anne Frank.

She was deaf, dumb and blind.

No, she wasn't.

Helen Keller was
deaf, dumb and blind.

Are you sure?

Yup.

Then who the fuck's Anne Frank?

Anne Frank's
the little Jewish girl

who hid from the Nazis

in a secret room
with her family.

She wrote a diary.

Oh, yeah.

Well, then, I guess
this guy is like Anne Frank,

what with the diary, you know?

No, he's like Helen Keller
with the handicap, you jerk!

(computer beeping)

You always got to be right,
don't you?

You Nazi douche bag.

What? What do you want?

No, we don't serve Cow Tippers
in the morning.

Freedom Toast is a possibility.

##

Oh, we totally do.

(scoffs)

All right, that'll be $12.64.

(door moos electronically)

(gasps)

(sighs)

Avert your eyes, you perv.

That's not very hygienic.

That's all I'm gonna tell you.

(door moos electronically)

Emma, are you like this

'cause you have an
unnaturally large clit?

(sighs)

You just had to tell him,
didn't you?

It kind of came out one day.

He says it's so big,

it's almost like
a little cock...

which says all kinds
of weird things about him

that I don't even want
to think about.

You wouldn't want
to be with a girl

with an oversized clit?

No, 'cause the next stop is
a guy with an undersized dick.

(door moos electronically)

##

You're a little hard.

'Cause you're
a little close to me.

I can pull back, if you want.

Can we pull back into our
own apartment in Florida again?

Really? Goddamn it, Dante.

How many times
are we gonna have

this fucking conversation?

There is no point
in getting an apartment anymore.

My mother has
pretty much told us

that she's gonna get us
a house as a wedding gift.

Your parents' generosity

just makes me
a little uncomfortable, Em.

They're giving us a house.

Your dad's giving me
one of his car washes to run.

It just feels weird.

Babe, it just feels weird
because you're so used

to life shitting
on you all the time.

What the fuck does that mean?

All I'm saying is that suddenly,

you have a woman that loves you,

a new job opportunity

and a fantastic life
to look forward to, right?

You got to face it, tiger:
You hit the jackpot.

RANDAL:
What's up?

Something wrong?

RANDAL:
Nope.

Just saw you guys talking.

Thought I'd come out here
and join you.

God, it must be
nice to have a job

with so much downtime.

Downtime's important.

If I had to deal with all
the fucking mouth-breathers

nonstop, without a break,

I'd put my head
in the deep fryer.

Balls, too.

Do you really want

to sit here and watch me
and my fianc? make out?

- Are you that much of a loser?
- Not really.

I was actually gonna ask
you two to knock it off

while I was out here.

I don't fucking understand
why you can't be happy

for your best friend.

He finally found a woman
who loves him.

(titters)

Like you even register
as a chick to me.

You might as well be a dude.

Really?

Yeah. You're
my best friend's girlfriend.

You became
persona non-nookie to me

the moment he started diddling
your pooter.

So thinking of me
in terms of being a girl

kind of creeps you out,
does it?

Sweetheart, I don't think
of you in terms of being a girl.

I don't think of you
in any way...

Oh, that was just wrong.

If you don't get
the fuck out of here

so that I can spend
some quality time with my man,

next, I'm gonna show you
my pooter.

Why would you want
to do something like that?

All right, all right,
I'm leaving!

Jesus!

What'd you do that for?

You realize he just
thinks you're trying

to get him into a three-way
with us now, don't you?

EMMA: Yeah, right.
With Graves?

That man's a total fucking
Lloyd, like most Jersey guys.

Hey!

You talk tough, but when
we're crossing the state line,

I bet you get all sentimental
for Jersey

and squirt a few tears.

Yeah, tears of joy, maybe.

Jersey sucks,

and we are surrounded by morons.

On that note, I'm gonna go.

Whoa, whoa, whoa!
You're leaving?

EMMA:
Yeah, I've got
a ton of stuff to do

before we leave in the morning,
but I love you.

I love you, too.

(whispering):
Bye.

Dude, I'm pretty sure
your old lady wants

to get you and me together
in a three-way.

(whistling lackadaisically)

(whistling continues)

(scoffs)

(whistling continues)

(door moos electronically)

Ow.

Dude, how old are you?

(laughs)

You know I'm 19, Randal.

You wouldn't work for me
last week, remember?

'Cause you said working
on my birthday

would help me build character.

(sighs)

Well, at least you spelled
"cock" right this time.

Why the fuck are you
still getting rides

from your mother?

And even worse,

what the fuck are you
kissing her good-bye for?

What is she,
your fuckin' prom date?

You're not gonna bother me
today, Randal.

I'm in too good a mood.

Because your mom
slipped you the tongue?

No, because I just read online
that there's gonna be

a live-action
Transformers movie.

And?

Well... I mean, as you know,

my online handle
is Optimus Prime.

I know that.
I wish I didn't.

Well, so not only is it awesome

that there's gonna be a
live-action Transformers movie,

but I'm, like,
positioned or whatever

with the best possible
Net handle and e-mail address

for when the movie comes out.

Oh, you're gonna be rolling
in the pussy, man.

Don't be gross.

Says the guy
who was just playing

tonsil hockey with his mother.

Mr. Dante!

Leave Elias alone, Randal!

Don't look at his wee-wee.

Dude, the Transformers sucked.

Oh, no, they didn't.

They were more
than meets the eye.

(scoffs)

They could beat the pants
off Ranger Danger any day.

Yeah. I'll lose sleep wondering
whether you're right

- about that or not.
- Ow.

I thought you weren't even
allowed to watch a lot of TV

in your house 'cause you're all
Christian and shit.

Well, as it turns out,
cars and trucks

that turn into...

robots aren't really
that blasphemous,

because my pastor says

that machines can turn
into other machines,

and it's not a sleight
against God.

Transformers were
a total sleight against God,

inasmuch as God sent
His only begotten son

to die on the cross
to redeem mankind,

and all we did to pay him back

was make terrible fucking
cartoons like the Transformers.

Nice shot.

Well, 'cause at Bible camp,
we made this flow chart which...

I mean, I don't know,

kind of, like, proved
or whatever that...

Well, okay...

Bible camp?!

Since God created...

Since God created man,

and man created
the Transformers...

...the Transformers are like
a gift from God, Randal.

No, sir.
They are not a gift from God.

They are an unholy curse

from the beast
we call the Desolate One.

I don't really want
to hear this, Randal.

The first of the fallen,

the spoiler of virgins,

the master of abortions!

You know I don't like to talk
about dark forces, Randal.

(in high-pitched voice):
# Let me help you #

# Out of your chair, Grandma! #

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on that holiday site? #

# Late that night,
I awoke from my sleep #

# Hearing unknown voices #

JAY/RANDAL:
# Laughing insane... #

(screaming)

(gasps)

(groaning):
Oh...

##

Oh, what the fuck was that?

What?

That wave.

I saw Becky, so I waved.

She'll be in here in 20 seconds.

And?

And you've got to greet her

before she gets in here,
you fuckin' ass-kiss?

What's that all about?

It's called friendship.

She's your boss.

You can't be friends
with your boss.

No, you can't be friends
with your boss.

I like my boss.

I think there's
something going on

between you two.

You're crazy.

You spend an awful lot
of time talking to her.

I spend an awful lot of time
talking to you, too.

And I've always maintained

you're harboring an unrequited
homosexual crush on me.

We're just friends.

That's what I keep telling you.

No, you idiot, me and Becks.

"Becks"?

I knew it.

You're fucking
around with the boss.

Yeah, that's why I'm moving
to Florida with my fianc?e.

Why would you want
to fuck around

with a chick your own age, man?

If you've got to sow
some of your wild oats,

there's all
these fine young chicks

that stop in here after school.

First off, I'm not cheating
on my fianc?e.

Secondly, if I was cheating
on my fianc?e,

it wouldn't be with a teenager.

Why not?

The best part of this job

is all the barely-legal pussy
that comes in here.

And they all look up to me,

'cause I've got
a driver's license.

It's awesome.
You're 33.

You show me one
33-year-old chick

who's as buck-wild in bed

as her 17-year-old
counterpart.

17-year-olds
nowadays are crazy.

They're up for anything.

They even like it when
you go ass to mouth.

Oh... my... God.

What?

Are you serious?

I don't fuck around when
it comes to ass to mouth.

DANTE:
You never go ass to mouth.

It's never my idea.

These young girls today
get all horned up,

and they tell you
to go ass to mouth.

You never go
ass to mouth, Randal!

You sound like my mom.

Becks, do you ever
go ass to mouth?

You never go ass to mouth.

You've never gone ass to mouth?

You never go ass to mouth.

I've never gone ass to mouth.

Not even once?

Not even ever.

You're both so repressed.

All right, look,

I know you've given
a blow job, right?

I haven't even put
my purse down yet.

That's a yes.

And I know you've
gone down on chicks.

What's your point?

Well,

when you're done chowing down
on the no-no parts

of your lover,
you kiss him, right?

That's just like going
ass to mouth.

Okay, I'm pretty sure you just
compared a vagina to an asshole.

(chuckles):
And?

Have you restocked
all the napkin holders yet?

That's an Elias job.

That comparison
of pink and brown eyes

just made it a Randal job.

ELIAS:
Zing!

Shut the fuck up, GoBot.

I could probably sue
this whole corporation right now

for sexual harassment.

You're just making me
restock the napkin holders

because of my firmly held
beliefs

on the subject of ass to mouth.

You never go ass to mouth!

Would you grow up?

(quietly): All right,
I'm gonna tell you this

'cause we're friends...

but sometimes,
in the heat of the moment,

it's forgivable
to go ass to mouth.

(Randal chuckles)

I knew it.

(disgusted groan)

I'm fuckin' bored, man!

And boredom's the first step
on the road to relapse.

("Goodbye Horses" playing)

Oh!

##

Would you fuck me?

I'd fuck me.

I'd fuck me hard.

# Ooh, ooh... ooh, ooh... #

(long sigh)

("Goodbye Horses" plays
faintly from outside)

Shit.

Well, hello, Miss Scott.

Well, here he is,
the escape artist.

I'm not gone yet.

Please. You've been
gone for the last month.

When do you guys leave?

Well, we start driving
tomorrow morning.

Oh, uh, I left you
the forwarding address

for my last check
on the calendar there.

So you did.

That's her parents' house,
right?

Yes, but only until the wedding.

And then, from what I hear,

her parents
are giving us a house.

Nice!

So I guess dowries
are making a comeback.

Oh, yeah.

Her dad sweetened the pot
with two fatted calves

and a goat.
(laughs)

I'm gonna miss you, Hicks.

Yeah, I'm gonna miss you, too.

I still can't believe

you're just gonna leave
me alone in this place...

with Randal Graves,
of all people.

Quit.

Move to Florida.

You could work
at the car wash with me.

Wow, you make it
sound so tempting.

How can I say no?

Oh, yeah... 'cause it's a
fucking car wash in Florida.

Like it's any worse
than this place.

Hurl the insults
all you want, buddy man.

As soon as my uncle's
on his feet again,

it's not like I'm
gonna be staying here.

- Hey, how's he doing?
- A lot better.

It only took two years
and a shitload of chemo,

but... his red cell count's
almost back to normal.

That's great.

Yeah, it's great for me, too.

Couple of weeks
in this crap shack

turned into a couple of
years a little too quickly.

But, Hicks, we can sit here

making small talk
about your last day

and what it is I'm going
to do once you're gone,

or we can treat this
like any other workday.

Ding-a-ling-a-ling!

(chuckling)

Randal.

One ring to rule them all.

And you wonder why no chick'll
let you stick your cock in her.

I never wondered that.

Yeah, 'cause you've accepted
the fact

that you'll never get a chick
a long time ago.

I could get a chick if I wanted.

(laughs):
Who are you kidding?

You can't get a chick, you mook.

You're too weird and sad.

I turn down chicks
left and right.

Your chicks are
your "left" and "right."

Yeah, right.
What do you know?

Uh, I know
you're a huge fuckin' nerd

of Potsie-like proportions,
and no chicks dig nerds,

especially nerds that are
into Lord of the Rings.

(laughs quietly)

Chicks dig Lord of the Rings,
Randal.

Yeah. The kind of chicks

that are into swords
and elves and shit,

and I wouldn't fuck them
with the Torch of Gondor.

Oh, you're so gross!

(door moos electronically)

Hey, man.

Welcome to Mooby's.
May I take your order?

Yeah, um...

let's see.

Give me one Udderly
Delicious Moo-ilk Shake,

Skinny Calf and an order
of onion rings. Thanks.

(register beeping)

"One ring to rule them all."

(register beeping)

"One ring to find them."

Oh, Jesus.

"One ring to bring them all."

"And in the darkness bind them."

Yes! Dude!

How many times?

Well, um, three
for Fellowship,

two for Towers,

four for Return.

Five for Return.

Dude!

All right, look,

there's only one Return, okay,

and it ain't of the king...
it's of the Jedi.

Oh, Star Wars geek.

Oh, I'm the geek?

Look at you two,
whipping out your preciouses.

You'll have to excuse him.

He's not "down"
with the trilogy.

Oh, what the fuck happened
to this world?

There's only one trilogy,

you fucking morons.

You know what?

Maybe we should start
calling your friend Padme,

because he loves
Mannequin Skywalker

so much, right?

(robotic monotone):
"Danger, danger.

"My name is Anakin.

My shitty acting
is ruining saga."

(chuckles): Yeah.
Yeah, you're crazy, Jar-Jar.

Oh, I'm crazy?

Those fucking hobbit movies
were boring as hell.

All it was
was a bunch of people walking.

Three movies of people walking
to a fuckin' volcano.

Here's the first movie.

And here's the second movie.

He is way off. Loser.

You ready for the third movie?

(sighs)

Fuckin' A.

Even the fuckin' trees walked
in those movies.

You know what?

I've had enough of you.

Your simplistic analysis
of the trilogy aside,

The Lord of the Rings
was a massive achievement that

even the Academy recognized

when they gave Peter Jackson
the Best Directing Oscar...

an award your little friend
George "Toy Boy" Lucas has never

and will never win.

Bones.

Oh, sick burn.

Let me tell you something.

If Peter Jackson
really wanted to blow me away

with those "Rings" movies,
he would've ended the third one

on the logical closure point,

not the 25 endings
that followed.

What's the logical
closure point?

Yeah, friend,

enlighten us.

When fucking Frito wakes up from
his little coma or whatever,

and the little hobbits are
jumping up and down on his bed,

and Sam leans in the doorway

and gives him
that very fuckin' gay look.

ELIAS:
Not the Rings, Randal.

Say what you will about Jesus,

but leave the Rings out of this.

I am gonna kick your ass
back to the Shire

if you don't
shut your fuckin' mouth.

That look was so gay,
I thought Sam was gonna tell

the little hobbits
to take a walk

so he could saunter
over to Frodo

and suck his fuckin' cock.

Now, that would've been
an Academy Award-worthy ending.

Hey, faggot, they're not gay.
They're hobbits.

And then right after
the Sam-Frodo suckfest,

right before the credits roll,

Sam fucking flat-out bricks
in Frodo's mouth.

I swear...

Fuck you!

(laughs): I made fun of
Lord of the Rings so hard,

it made some super-geek puke
all over the counter.

Where do we keep
the mop and bucket

so I can have
Elias clean it up?

In the closet with the rest
of the cleaning products.

We have cleaning products?

(light jazz playing
over radio)

Why does it smell so weird
in here?

Buh-bye.

I'm on to you.

You know he's not
gonna make it here long

once you're not here to protect
him anymore, don't you?

Well, you're the one out
there encouraging him,

advocating ass to mouth.

I wasn't advocating it,
you big prude.

I just said it was fine
once in a while.

Like you wouldn't do it
if Emma told you to.

(scoffs):
Christ, no!

Oh, I thought love
knew no bounds.

Ew. That came off
kind of catty, didn't it?

A little daytime soapish, yeah.

I'm sorry.

I don't know why I said that.

I actually kind of like Emma.

So do I.

So that's why
you're getting married!

I can't wait until
you get engaged,

so I can bust your balls as
hard as you've busted mine.

You're going to be waiting
a long time, sir.

Oh, that's right.
I forgot.

You're the cold-hearted
ice princess

that doesn't believe
in marriage.

I'm not saying that
it's not all right for you,

but, yes, I do think

that marriage goes
against our primal nature.

To be loved?

To fuck as much as possible...

spread the seed around
and keep the species going.

And all that shit
they feed us in the movies

and greeting cards
is just propaganda

to get us to marry, have kids
and keep the economy going.

Marriage is just
the keystone to economics.

You're such a sappy girl.

- Mm.
- Are you trying to tell me

you don't believe in love,
Beckalah?

In romantic love,

no.

Like, I love my parents.

I love my car.
I love you.

But romantic love,
hearts and flowers,

"There's only one person
out there for me"?

Come on, you know how many
people there are out there?

Odds are there's always going

to be someone who's
a better match for you

than the person
you end up marrying.

So based on your theory,

there's someone out there
better for me than Emma.

Oh, no,
I'm not touching that one.

Wait a second.

You don't think
I really love her?

(sighs):
I think...

you love what she represents.

Which is...?

Come on, Dante, she was
the girl who wouldn't give you

the time of day
back in high school.

And years later,
after she's played the field

and realized how unsatisfying
the so-called "hotties" are,

she's finally gone
with someone who looks...

Oh, my God,

you're gonna say
"fugly," aren't you?

Unconventional!

Ah, nice backpedal.

Thank you.
(laughs)

It took her a few years

to finally figure out
that thing

that every mother tries
to teach their little girl

but she has to learn on her own,

and that's that guys
that look like you

have a lot more to offer,
because you'll always

try harder than the pretty boy.

What am I, some hideous
fucking CHUD over here?

(laughs):
No, you're a catch... kind of.

And Emma's a catch, too.

'Cause not only
is she pretty, but...

she'll make all your decisions
for you.

Which is lucky,
because you're pretty terrible

at making decisions.

So my last day
is all about you telling me

what an ugly,
indecisive loser I am?

(laughs)

Come on, you worked
at Quick Stop

for, like, a decade,

and you've been here
for a year almost,

and since day one at both jobs,

all you've ever said
is how you needed

to get out
and start your life.

And it wasn't until Emma walked
through the door and was,

like, "Come down
to Florida with me,

"and I'll fuck your brains out,

and my daddy will give you
a job, and blah-blah,"

that you actually went
and did something about it.

And I get it... it's...

she's your golden ticket, dude.

So, uh...

...what's that make you?

I'm just the girl who fucks
ugly, indecisive losers

in the kitchen
once this place is closed.

(whispers):
That's me.

(laughing)

DJ:
That's something for
the lovers out there.

J-RAM Radio.
Right around high noon...

So, we're never gonna talk
about it, are we?

What is there to say?

Do you regret it?

Do you?

I regret that it was
on the prep station table.

Yeah, you regret it...
you weren't the one

who got mayo in your cooch.

(both laughing)

What do you want me to say?

We were drunk, you know?

It just kind of happened.

You're just lucky

I'm not one of those monogamists
like your girlfriend.

Otherwise, I might try
to make you stay in Jersey.

If anyone could do it,
it'd be you.

Dude, your old lady's out here
looking for you.

(door creaks)

(whispers):
Yeah.

Come outside with me.
I've got a surprise for you.

That's my surprise?

No.

# Goodbye, horses... #

Hey.

Oh.

So, um...

are you looking for
a good Transformers site?

Because at CarsToBots. com,

you can get an avatar

that's your picture
morphed to look like a robot.

Come on, man.

You know I only surf
Transformers sites

when there's girls around,
so they can see how cool I am.

So what are you doing then?

Trying to secure a going away
present for Mr. Dante.

Really?

Well, how about
an Arwen sword replica?

What?

Uh...

'Cause it's, like,
thoughtful and practical.

I was thinking of something
a little more sexy.

Well, what's sexier than
an elf princess's sword?

A donkey show.

What's that?

You ever see a chick
give a mule a blow job?

(screeching):
Oh, no!

Shh!

Jesus!

If you spoil this,
I'm gonna brain you.

You gonna keep your mouth shut?

(muffled):
Yes.

God.

That's bestiality, Randal.

At its finest, I hope.

Who'd want to see
something like that?

Me, Dante, you.

I don't want to see
something like that.

Why would you want to see
something like that?

Because it's fucked up.

And I want to see

if a chick with a mouthful
of donkey spunk swallows.

All right, here we go.

"Kinky Kelly and the Sexy Stud.

"Straight from
their dirty debut in Tijuana,

"Kelly's taking it on the road.

Taking it in the ass, that is."

You got to give it up for Oscar
Wilde-like wordplay that good.

Do they show pictures?

Only one of Kinky Kelly
sucking off Optimus Prime.

Really?

Ow.

Let me borrow your cellphone.

Whoa.

Well, 'cause, I'm only
supposed to use it

to call my parents
in case of an emergency.

This is an emergency.

We got to lock up
Kinky Kelly for tonight,

so we can give Mr. Dante
a memorable send-off.

You love Mr. Dante, don't you?

In a non-gay way.

Then give me your phone.

'Cause Mr. Dante's never
seen a donkey show.

And it'd be nice to give
him this before he goes off

to Florida and gets married and
does all those other things

that prevent a guy
from ever seeing

a fucked-up donkey
show in his lifetime.

Hello.

Uh, I was hoping to schedule
Kinky Kelly for a performance.

Tonight.

Okay.

I'm on hold.

Fingers crossed.

We should probably
cross dicks, too.

No.

BECKY:
Work, work, work.

That's all you ever
think about, Hicks.

Hey, Becks.

Hey, Emma.

Great shirt.

Isn't it?
I love it.

What I love even more are these.

These came in early,

and I just had to come back
and show Dante.

And give you yours, of course.

And I have one
for Randal, I guess.

What is it?

Look, I know it's
three months away,

but it would mean so much to us
if you could make the trip down.

Well... yeah.

Uh, I wouldn't miss it.

I thought we were waiting
till we got down there

before we picked a date.

Oh, him is so cute.

Him thinking again, huh?

If we left anything
up to these jackals,

nothing would ever
get done, would it?

I'm just teasing.

Guess you got to make their
decisions for 'em sometimes.

All right, I've got it.

I will see you then.

Thank you.

My friend, tonight,

we bring a bit of TJ
to the Jersey 'burbs.

(door moos electronically)

Well, I don't know
about this, Randal.

I mean, how do we know
this isn't a hoax?

Like, were there any
pictures on the Web site?

Strangely, no.

But if you've seen pics of
one chick sucking off a donkey,

you've seen them all.

Well, what if you
haven't ever seen pics

of anything like that?

Well, then you must be
as blind as Anne Frank.

'Cause what's the point in
having an Internet connection

if you're not using it to look
at weird, fucked-up pictures

of dirty sex
you'll never have yourself?

Ho-ly shit.

You know, I've never pieced
this together until right now.

You're a virgin, aren't you?

You know I have
a girlfriend, Randal.

Oh, yeah.

What's her name again?

Myra Hodgkiss.

You made her up, didn't you?

That name sounds so made-up.

No.

Seriously, Elias, have you
and Myra had sex yet?

Well, that's just
kind of personal, Randal.

Come on!

I tell you about
my sex life all the time.

I let you smell my fingers

after I fucked
Taton Weathers' kid sister

in the office
that one time, didn't I?

You kind of made me
smell your fingers.

Maybe you just
don't like the pussy.

Maybe you're all about the cock.

No, no, I like the pussy.

So come on.

Did Myra ever give you a crack
at her crack or what?

Well, not that it's any
of your business, Randal,

but she can't.

Why?

Jesus, Elias, come on.

You got to start
trusting me more.

Because once Dante's gone,

you're gonna be
my new best friend.

No, I'm not.

Who the fuck else
am I gonna hang out with?

It's gonna be you and me, buddy.

So come on.

You got to start
trusting me more.

Open up and tell me shit.

Like why haven't you
fucked Myra yet?

(sighs)

Well, we can't
because of Pillow Pants.

What the fuck's Pillow Pants?

Pillow Pants is a little troll
who lives in her pussy.

Pillow Pants is her pussy troll.

Duh.

You know
how every girl's parents

put a pussy troll in them
when the girls are young

to keep them from having
premarital sex?

Sure.

Well, Myra's is named
Pillow Pants.

And so, even though she totally
wants to have sex with me,

Myra says if I put
my thing in her,

Pillow Pants will bite it off.

So I got to wait
until Pillow Pants

gets peed out of her body
on her 21st birthday

before we can have sex.

And Myra told you this?

Boyfriends and girlfriends

talk to each other
about sex stuff, Randal.

You'd know this
if you ever had a girlfriend.

Have you and Myra
even kissed yet?

We would have already,
if it wasn't for Lister Fiend.

Lister Fiend is her mouth troll,
isn't it?

Women.

I'll be right back.

You are never gonna believe
what Elias just told me.

Look who it is, Randal.

Randal Graves.

You work here, too?

Jesus. Anyone else from
our graduating class back there?

RANDAL:
Well, well, well...

Pickle Fucker.

Man, look at you two
fun-ployees.

Nothing's changed.

You know, I'll bet
dollars to donuts,

when you two aren't fighting

about who shot first,
Han or Greedo,

you can still muster up
enough energy

to make fun of other people.

Yeah. So hurry up and order
and get out of here,

so we can make fun of you.

Oh, I don't know
if you're in a position

to make fun of anyone
anymore, Graves.

32 and you're
flipping burgers?

Before that, I'd heard
it was the Quick Stop

for, what, like, ten years?

We can't all be
Internet millionaires.

Who's an Internet millionaire?

Elias, this is Lance Dowds.

We went to high school together.

A few years ago,

he built a search engine which
compiles the lowest prices

of merchandise
you can buy online.

Didn't that just sell to Amazon
for, like, 20 million bucks?

RANDAL:
Yeah, but back before

he was the Mad Ducketts guy,
he was just Pickle Fucker.

You see, freshman year,

the seniors would hunt us
down and put us through

what they called initiations.

They'd stuff us into lockers

or throw us in the girls'
shower room naked.

But Lance here
got the worst of it.

The seniors yanked
down his pants,

and shoved a pickle up his ass,

and made him walk ten feet.

The pickle fell out
before he hit the ten-foot mark.

He had to take a bite of it,
reinsert it and walk again.

Ew...

Yeah, but don't worry...
he made it.

His pickle was small enough
to stay wedged

after only four bites.

I'll bet you're the only guy
in the world

who still remembers that,
Graves.

Oh, I bet you still remember it
pretty vividly...

Pickle Fucker.

ELIAS:
Do you have any interest

in building
the ultimate fan site

for both The Lord of the Rings
and The Transformers?

Because I'd moderate it
for free.

Ease up, Pillow Pants.

The dude's not into
your D&D, GoBots bullshit.

Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Don't insult the guy.

The GoBots are like
the Kmart of Transformers.

Thank you!

I keep telling them that.

Here, here's my e-mail address.

Drop me a line
with some of your ideas.

Cool.

LANCE:
Okay, let's see.

What do I want?

Uh... how about a Skinny Calf
with cheese and a Diet Coke?

I'll get your order.

Here you go.

Well, that was fast.

And fresh.

Thanks. Come again.

Yo, let's wrap this up
so I can get my Cow Tipper on.

You know what?

Take mine.

Something tells me
I'm not gonna like it, am I?

Wow, thanks, Pickle Fucker.

Yo, so Pickle Fucker
gave us free eats!

You know,
I don't eat fast food.

It's not good for you.

But when I heard you guys
were actually working here,

well, I just had
to see it for myself.

It's kind of nice
having that kind of free time.

Just like it's
kind of comforting to know

that some things never change.

Take care, clerks.

(imitates gunshots)

Ooh, sick burn.

(chuckles)

(door moos electronically)

Fuck this.

Let me borrow your car.

You're supposed to be working.

I got to get out of here
for a few minutes.

Let me borrow your car.

Elias, tell Becky
we'll be right back.

(door moos electronically)

(Elias shouting anxiously
in distance)

Where we going?

You know, this tastes like
piss and flies, don't it?

Sure you want to do this?

RANDAL:
Oh, yeah.

This will make me feel better.

# Raindrops keep falling
on my head #

# And just like the guy who's
feet are too big for his bed #

# Nothing seems to fit,
those #

# Raindrops
are falling on my head #

# They keep falling #

# But there's one thing I know #

# The blues
they send to meet me #

# Won't defeat me #

# It won't be long #

# Till happiness
steps up to greet me #

# Raindrops keep falling
on my head #

# But that doesn't mean my eyes
will soon be turning red #

# Crying's not for me,
'cause #

# I'm never gonna stop
the rain by complaining #

# Because I'm free #

# Nothing's worrying... #

# Me. #

DANTE:
Here's what I don't
understand about you.

You have a license, you
can drive a grown-up car.

But when you ride the go-carts,

you somehow feel
better about yourself.

Look, it just centers me,
all right?

Kind of the way jerking off
at work centers you.

I only did it that one time.

And it wasn't to center me.

Yeah, it was to come.

Well, I don't know about you,
but coming centers me.

Then why did we
have to leave work,

so we can ride the go-carts
to clear your head?

Well, I don't want to jerk off
in the Mooby's bathroom.

What if a customer comes in

and my jerking off gets him
all sex nuts and retard strong?

Suddenly, I'm fighting him off

as he tries to jam
my dick in his mouth.

The most likeliest of scenarios.

(scoffs)

Man, that shit Lance said
must have really bothered you.

Oh, fuck him.

He's an asshole.
He always was.

I'm sorry I let him bug me
even for a second.

At least I got a go-cart trip
out of it.

Why do the go-carts help?

I don't know.

They just remind me
of a better time in my life.

Like when?

Like when we were young and the
world was still in front of us.

We're not that old.

Yeah.

But sometimes I get the feeling

the world kind of left us behind
a long time ago.

You know...

you can do something about that.

I told you, I don't want to jerk
off in the bathroom at work.

No, I mean you can
get out of Mooby's, too,

completely change
your situation in life.

What'd be the point? Besides,
why do you give a shit?

You're leaving.

(door moos electronically)

Thanks, you guys, thanks.

Come on!

Oh, I'm sorry.

Was that a number two
you wanted?

Yeah, and bovine-size it.

$13.84.

I need two Surlies
and a Cow Tipper.

I'm on it.

How we set for fries?

I don't think
these look right.

Jesus! Step away from the fryer
before you burn us all alive.

It's not my fault
you abandoned your post!

RANDAL:
Was it too much to ask
that you handle the fries?

The machine does all the work.

What's a machine
got to transform

into some giant fucking robot
before you'll take it seriously?

Go home.

Will you just make
some fries already?

Look, I don't have all night.

I'm sorry, ma'am.

They need to get
some Mexicans working in here.

They'd be...
(imitates laser)

They don't play around.

I know it.
Mexican made me lose my job.

That motherfucker
put a roof up in 30 seconds.

Where the fuck did you guys go?

You don't want to know.

Well, I know it's
your last day and all,

but while you're
still on the clock,

can't you kind of pretend
like you still give a shit?

RANDAL:
Don't blame this guy.

Some cock stain that we went
to high school with

showed up to remind us
that we're fucking failures,

so I wanted to get out of here

and blow off some steam,
if you must know.

Did he say "cock stain"?

What the fuck is cock stain?

I don't know... that's
some white freaky stuff.

White boys get the white women
to do everything.

You want to do a cock stain?

Do you know how often
I've had people come in here

that I went to school with?

Fuck, I had to take
a fucking order off of a guy

I blew after junior prom once.

Yeah, I've waited on
your brother, too... h'noop!

I can't believe you.

The smartest of smart asses
got rattled

by some fucking loser
coming in here

giving you shit
about your McJob.

Oh, fuck him, okay?

Sooner or later,
I'll do something with myself

and make my mark.

But until then, whatever I do
is not a waste of time,

it's all building
toward something.

How about you build towards
making some fuckin' fries?

They're coming!

Remember, you saved.

You don't use
that kind of language.

Ain't nobody
from my church in here.

I don't mind people snickering

at the stupid uniform
I've got to wear.

But I'll be damned
if I'm gonna let

some self-righteous,
lucky turd come in here

and treat me and Dante

like we're a couple
of fucking porch monkeys.

DANTE:
Randal!

Uh, I'm-I'm sorry. He...

He didn't really just say
what I think he said.

- What? Porch monkeys?
- Randal!

What the fuck
is wrong with you?!

I want my money back right now.

Of course.
Um, you know what?

Here, take this on us.

Oh, no, no, no.

I'm not eating something that

was cooked by some
cracker-ass hate-monger.

I will.

Baby, you can't taste racism.

What racism? Porch monkeys?!

- You little mother...
- Calm down, champ.

It ain't worth it.

You're lucky my husband doesn't

jump across this counter
and knock your teeth in.

- Why?
- Yeah, baby, why?

I mean, ain't like
he called us porch monkeys.

Hey, hey!

Baby, stop hitting on me!

See, the judge told you
about that.

You got to stop
putting your hands on people.

Here, take this.
This is your money.

Please, take the food on us.

- We're sorry.
- Oh, uh-uh.

I'm gonna write
to the paper about this,

and all y'all getting
fired up in here.

Jesus!

I'm gonna take the food.

Thank you very much.

Damn!

Fuckin' porch monkey...

Thanks. Come again.

Don't leave me, baby!

Are you out of
your fucking mind?!

What?! What's the big deal?

Since when is it a crime
to say "porch monkey"?

Oh, I don't know...
since forever!

- Why?
- Because "porch monkey"

is a racial slur
against black people.

No, it's not. "Nigger" is.

Randal!

Did Randal just call
Mr. Dante a nigger?

Shut up, Elias!

I didn't just call
Dante a nigger.

I just said that "nigger"
is a racial slur.

So is "porch monkey"!

Oh, it is not.

Coon, spook, spade,
moolie, jiggaboo, nignug...

those are racial slurs.

"Porch monkey" is not.

I am going to pretend
like this conversation

didn't happen.

Elias, go pick up
that fucking mess,

and you are this close
to getting shit-canned!

(scoffs)

Fuckin' shoot me now.

(grunts angrily)

What are you doing?!

Are you trying to get fired?

Since when did "porch monkey"
suddenly become a racial slur?

When ignorant racists started
saying it 100 years ago.

Oh, bullshit.

My grandmother used to call me
a porch monkey all the time

when I was a kid,
because I'd sit on the porch

and stare at my neighbors.

DANTE:
Despite the fact

that your grandmother
might have used it

as a term
of endearment for you,

it's still a racial slur.

It'd be like your grandmother
calling you a little kike.

Oh, it is not.

Plus, my grandmother had

nothing but the utmost respect
for the Jewish community.

When I was a kid,
she told me to always treat

the Jewish kids well, or they'd
put the sheeny curse on me.

What the fuck, man?!

What?!

"Sheeny" is a racial slur, too!

Oh, it is not.

Yes, it is!

Well, she never called
any Jews sheeny.

She just used to say
"sheeny curse" a lot.

(chuckling):
It was cute.

It wasn't cute! It was racist!

I disagree, man.

She was just an old-timer.

That's the way people talked
back then.

Didn't mean they were racists.

But my grandmother did refer
to a broken beer bottle once

as a nigger knife.

You know, come to think of it,

my grandmother was
kind of a racist.

You think?!

Well, I-I still don't think

"porch monkey" should be
considered a racial term.

I mean, I've always used it
to describe lazy people,

not lazy black people.

I think if we really tried,

we could reclaim "porch monkey"
and save it.

DANTE:
It can't be saved, Randal.

The sole purpose
for its creation,

the only reason it exists
in the first place,

is to disparage an entire race.

And even if it could be saved,

you can't save it,
because you're not black!

Well, listen to you.

Telling me I can't do something
because of the color of my skin?

You're the racist.

(grunts)

I'm taking it back. You watch.

(door moos electronically)

(chuckling):
Hey.

What can I get for you,
you little porch monkey?

It's cool.
I'm taking it back.

(sighs)

(sighs)

(sighs)

##

##

Hey.

Hey.

So, are you scared
about getting married at all?

Um...

were we in the middle
of a conversation

I don't remember leaving?

I was just thinking about it,
and I was thinking

that maybe you were waiting
for some friend

to try and stop you

from going through
with the wedding

by asking if you're even ready
to go and get married.

So I'm asking.

Are you scared
about getting married?

Well, kind of.

I mean, I'm not scared
of getting married, you know...

I-I always wanted
to get married one day...

but I am scared
of the wedding.

Why?

I don't know how to dance.

You're kidding.

I wish I was.

You're about to tie
your life to someone,

someone who doesn't
even really get you

as well as your friends do,

and what you're sweating
is dancing at your reception?

Well, I-I figure
she'll eventually get me.

I mean, you're married
to someone long enough,

they got to get you
eventually, right?

Are you kidding?

My parents have been married
for 35 years,

and they still don't get
each other.

Emma's pretty,
smart, happy, a good person...

and for some strange reason,
she loves me.

I mean, what am
I supposed to do,

pass up on that because I have

a few stupid doubts
and some jitters?

Besides, dancing
at the reception's

the more imperative concern
at this point,

because I only get,

well, presumably, one chance
to dance at my wedding.

(sighs)

So, what, you can't slow dance?

No. Anybody can slow dance,

but this is one of the only
times I've ever gonna meet

most of Emma's extended family,

and I'd like to be able
to show some flair

on the dance floor, you know?

Like, make an impression
so that maybe they'll see

whatever it is
that Emma sees in me

instead of all feeling like
I'm some burger-peddling loser

who couldn't even bust a move.

What?

(laughs):
You're serious?

Come on.

Hey, 12-step!

Jay!

Lord?

Up here, jackass.

What the fuck are you doing
up there?!

Yo, if you're gonna jump,

let me get a crack
at that pussy first.

Let me find out.

You still got your boom box?

Play something,
and turn it way up.

Something danceable.

Up here?

Are you serious?

You're gonna teach me
to dance up here?

What? You want I should do it
in front of all the customers?

What customers?

Shut up.
Come over here.

Okay, get ready for the music.

You feel it... here.

Here it comes.

# Grandma, what was it like #

# To be on the holiday site? #

Something a little
less demonic, please!

# But with them by my side
in the twilight... #

Thank you.

(Jackson Five's "ABC"
playing)

Yes! Okay, okay, um,
just-just follow

whatever it is I'm doing, okay?

- Step forward...
- All right.

- # You went to school... #
- Step back.

To your right.

# Things you never,
never knew before... #

To your left.

Turn to the right.

# Like "I" before "E"
except after "C" #

# And why two plus two
makes four #

# Now, now, now,
I'm gonna teach you #

# Teach you, teach you #

# All about love, girl #

# All about love #

# Sit yourself down... #

Okay, you really do suck.
Sit down.

Told you.

Just watch me, all right?

# A, B, C #

# Easy as one, two, three #

# As simple as do, re, mi #

# A, B, C, one, two, three #

# Baby, you and me, girl #

# A, B, C #

# Easy as one, two, three #

# As simple as do, re, mi #

# A, B, C, one, two, three #

# Baby, you and me, girl #

# Come on and love me
just a little bit #

# I'm gonna teach you
how to sing it out #

# Come on, come on, come on #

# Let me show you
what it's all about #

# Reading, writing, arithmetic #

# Are the branches
of the learning tree #

# But without the roots
of love every day, girl #

# Your education
ain't complete #

# Tea-Tea-Tea-Teacher's
gonna show you #

# She's gonna show you #

# How to get an "A" #

# Na-na-na-na-na-na #

# How to spell "me," "you,"
add the two #

# Listen to me, baby,
that's all you got to do #

# Oh, A, B, C #

# It's easy as one, two, three #

# As simple as do, re, mi #

# A, B, C, one, two, three #

# Baby, you and me, girl #

# A, B, C, it's easy #

# It's like counting
up to three #

# Singing simple melodies #

# That's how easy love can be #

# That's how easy
love can be #

# Singing simple melodies #

# One, two, three, you and me! #

# Yeah! #

- (Silent Bob mouthing)
- # Sit down, girl #

# I think I love you #

# No, get up, girl #

# Show me what you can do #

# Shake it, shake it, baby #

# Come on, now #

# Shake it, shake it, baby #

# Ooh, ooh, shake it,
shake it, baby, yeah #

# One, two, three, baby #

# Ooh, ooh, A, B, C, baby #

# Na, na, do, re, mi, baby #

# Now that's how easy
love can be #

- GROUP: # Whoo! #
- # A, B, C, it's easy #

# It's like counting
up to three #

# Singing simple melodies #

# That's how easy love can be #

# Teacher's gonna teach you
how to sing it out #

# Come on, come on, come on #

# Let me show you
what it's all about #

# A, B, C, it's easy #

# It's like counting
up to three... #

I love you, Becky.

# Singing simple melodies... #

I'm pregnant, Dante.

# That's how easy... #

(gasps, grunts)

Oh!

(door creaking)

(door bangs shut)

I'm having second thoughts.

About your sexuality?

About going to Florida.

Yeah, right.

Why now, all of a sudden?

Becky's pregnant.

She is?

Huh.

So, what, are you afraid you're
gonna miss the baby shower?

I'm the father.

This sucks, man.

I have pelvic piss syndrome
like a motherfucker,

so be really fucking quiet.

Ew, dude, don't try
looking at my dick.

- JAY: What the fuck?
- RANDAL: What?

Should we have
left that guy in there?

Oh, fuck him! How the fuck
did you father a child

with a chick
that's not your fianc??!

Holy shit!

She got pregnant
off the toilet seat

you jerked off onto!

I fucking knew it!

No, we had sex one night
after work, a few weeks ago.

What?! Where?!

Here, on the prep station table.

Ew! That's my prep table.

I don't know what to do.

What did Beck say?

She says she wants to have it.

Oh, my God, so she wants
you to break it off

- with Emma and marry her?
- No.

She's gonna tell Emma?

No!

Wait a second...
then what's the problem?

- Are you that dense?
- I'm serious.

If Becks isn't busting
your balls about it,

what's the big deal?

You could still
go down to Florida

and live happily ever after.

Knowing I have a love child
up in Jersey?!

How the fuck do you always have,

like, two good-looking
girls who want you?

You're the most
hideous fucking CHUD

I've ever met,
and you always have

a pair of girls
fighting over you.

Listen, you can never tell
anybody about this.

Who am I gonna tell?

I'm serious, Randal!
And not just for me.

Becky says she doesn't want
anybody to know.

Then what'd you tell me for?

Look, you've fucked me over
in the past,

but this is huge.

This is serious!

Promise me that you'll
keep your mouth shut,

because if you fuck me over
this time,

I swear to God, I will beat
the shit out of you.

(laughs):
You and what army?

I'm serious!

I'm serious, too.
You and what army?

Promise me!

All right!
Get off of me, you nut!

JAY:
What the fuck?!

Can I talk to you for a minute?

Oh, yeah, sure.
Uh, we were just...

May your first child
be a masculine child.

(huffs)

Becky!

Randal!

She was sweating me.
It just came out.

Ow! Shit!

You swung at me!

- You ducked!
- Because you swung at me!

Damn it!

Where's Becky?

She just left.

I need help here, Mr. Dante.

I can't wrap good,
and Randal ate the last pickles.

You fucking snitch.

I'm sorry, Randal.
I'm sorry.

Becky!

Maybe she went to get
a home pregnancy test

just to be sure.

How the fuck
could this day get any worse?

Well, what the fuck
are you doing, man?!

Follow her!

You-you think?

You're darn right, I do.

You two have got
to work this out.

Follow her, talk
to her for an hour,

then come back here.

An hour?!

I-I've found that any
more time than that,

you run the risk of saying
the wrong thing again.

Follow her,
talk to her for an hour,

then come back here
and help me close up.

You can't close up by yourself?

Fucking A, man,
you're about to become a father!

Time to start acting
responsibly!

Be back here in an hour.
Go!

(engine starts)

(tires screech)

Hello.

I assume
you're with Kinky Kelly.

Good guess. You Randal?

I am.

How long is it gonna take you
to set up?

Got to hook up the boom box,

hang a few curtains
and some lights.

I've got a small smoke machine
for ambiance. Yeah.

Well, you might as
well start setting up.

We got about an hour

before the guest of honor
gets back.

So, do I, uh, get to meet Kelly
before the show or what?

Nah.

Kelly likes privacy
before show time.

But after the show, if you want,

for an extra $500,
you can fuck Kelly.

Really? Sweet.

Yeah. So, where
we doing this thing?

Oh, right inside the restaurant.

You're kidding.

Not spacious enough?

No, it's plenty spacious.

Just kind of weird, isn't it?

Kind of weird?

You're in the bestiality
business, dude.

Hey, fucko...

...we like to call it

inter-species erotica.

Intriguing.

(Smashing Pumpkins "1979"
playing)

# Shakedown 1979 #

# Cool kids never have
the time #

# On a live wire
right up off the street #

# You and I should meet #

# Junebug skipping
like a stone #

# Headlights pointed
at the dawn #

# We were sure we'd never see
an end to it all #

# And I don't even care #

# To shake these zipper blues #

# And we don't know #

# Just where our bones
will rest #

# To dust, I guess #

# Lamented and assured #

# To the lights #

# And towns below #

# Faster than #

# The speed of sound #

# Faster than #

# We thought we'd go #

# Beneath the sound #

# Of hope #

# The street heats
the urgency of now #

# As you see,
there's no one around. #

Oh, no.

Not again.

(speed-dial beeping)

Yeah, I have a fire
at the Mooby's

on Memorial Parkway
and Leonardo.

(door moos electronically,
Dante coughs)

(hissing)

(slow, sensual,
rhythmic melody playing)

What?

(funky riff kicks in)

What the fuck is going on?

It's your going-away party.

Whoo! Whoo!

We's all gonna get drunk
and get laid!

Oh, my God, is Elias hammered?

Isn't it awesome?

My man smoked two blunts
full of skunk.

Fuck Pillow Pants!

Honk if you love
a tight pussy...

Yo, we love pussy.

Tonight, before
you leave me forever,

we are gonna peep something
we've been talking about

since we saw "Bachelor Party"

at your parents' house
on Beta, when we were 12.

What the fuck are
you talking about?

I'm gonna miss you, man.

I'm gonna miss you, too,
but this is a little much.

Yeah? Just wait.

(chuckling)

Show time!

(laughs)

Ladies and gentlemen...

and you, Elias,

straight from the debauchery

capital of the world,
Tijuana, Mexico...

Oh, God, no.

Oh, God, yes.

Get ready for some
hard-core bestiality.

DRIVER:
Inter-species erotica, fucko!

(laughs)

Inter-species erotica
at its finest,

straight from TJ,

I give you Kinky Kelly
and the Sexy Stud!

# Maybe #

- # Just maybe... #
- Whoo!

# Naughty girls
need love, too... #

Don't worry.
Chick's coming.

# I've been told
time and time again #

# That you can't treat love
like a game... #

Any second,
the chick's coming.

# But I play rough
with hearts that never mend #

# 'Cause some guys like you
do the same #

# Love was
just a four-letter word #

# Never heard, how absurd... #

Any minute now.

# How could it be? #

# But now I can't believe
this is real #

# How I feel, now you steal #

# My heart away from me #

# Used to be so good
and so bad #

# Sex was something
I just had... #

Wow, that guy's being awfully
forward with that donkey.

Uh, Randal...?!

Where the fuck's the chick?

# Baby, don't let me
be misunderstood #

# Temporary love's so bad... #

Yo, Freddie fucking Mercury,
where's Kelly?

# Then along came you... #

Right here.

# Now I know it's true... #

I thought that's the sexy stud.

I'm the sexy stud.

# Then came you... #

But this donkey's a dude.

Kelly can be
a guy's name, too. Hey!

# Yes, it's true #

# I'm in love with you #

# And believe it, baby #

# This time,
your love won't get away... #

(groans)

Due to some
nomenclature confusion,

there's not gonna be any chick.

Well, who the fuck's
gonna blow the donkey?

# Ooh, it's only you I adore #

# So much more
than my body was asking for... #

Oh!

# Yes, your love
is breaking my chill... #

I have a huge boner right now.

# In my heart... #

Oh, my God!

Becky!

Where did you go?

What the fuck is going on here?

Uh, inter-species erotica.

Are you okay?

I'm disgusted and repulsed
and...

and I can't look away.

# Baby, don't let me
be misunderstood... #

It's huge!

# Temporary love's so bad... #

- (donkey brays)
- # But it feels so good #

# Then along came you... #

We need to talk.

Did you see the size
of that cock...

I love you.

And-and I think
you love me, too.

Uh, of-of course.
I...

I mean, we're friends.

I-I think you love me
as more than a friend.

It's okay.
You can say it.

But I-I don't believe
in romantic love.

I think you do.

Do you really want
to do this right now?

# But it feels so good #

- (sighs)
- # Then along came you... #

Well, I guess the show's over.

I don't think so, sir.

# Naughty girls
need love... too... #

If he's gonna jerk off,

I'm gonna jerk off, too.

I don't think
he's gonna jerk off.

# So moving like you're 40 #

# This groove
is much too naughty #

# Can't you see? #

# I want you just for me #

- # Boys, make some noise... #
- (brays)

Yo, you guys
are gonna miss this shit!

The big guy's gonna cornhole
that ass... with his wiener!

Hold that thought.

# Freeze, freeze,
freeze, freeze... #

(moaning)

I hope that donkey doesn't have
a heinie troll.

# Temporary love's so bad... #

All right, I do.

Do what?

# Then along came you... #

I do love you.

# Temporary, temporary... #

What kind of sick
fuck gets turned on

watching a guy fuck a donkey?

# Naughty girls need love #

# Baby, baby #

(sobbing)

I'm sorry, Jesus.

(moaning)

# Then along came you... #

Dante?

What's going on?

Ooh, cake.

(moans)

Yo, I was outside taking a piss
when I heard the news.

Congrats!

You're having a baby, right?

No. Who said that?

Some asshole.

# Temporary, temporary... #

I'm sorry.

# Naughty girls need love... #

You fuck!

(thud, Dante groans)

Quick, hit that
two-timing fuck with this!

Hey, want to go out sometime?

Emma, I don't...
I don't know what to say.

Take him, you fucking whore.

(ring jingles as it bounces
across floor)

Emma!

(sirens blaring)

Oh, no.

# Don't let me #

# Baby #

# Temporary love's so bad #

# Temporary love's
so bad #

# Then along came you... #

Oh, shit, not again.
Got to finish.

(moans)

Yo, cops are outside,
we're holding,

and I'm still on probation.

- (sighs)
- # Temporary, temporary... #

What the fuck?

(brays)

Porch monkey?!

Oh, no, no, it's cool.

I'm taking it back.

(whooping)

I love pussy and beer!

Whoo-hoo!

(groans)

Deja fucking vu, right?

Jail cell design hasn't changed
much in centuries, has it?

Maybe it's time they brought in
the laser bars or something.

Or they can make

a hard plastic cage
like Magneto's in X-Men 2.

No, come on, dude,

let's keep it in the real world,
all right?

But you know
what wouldn't be a bad idea?

Carbonite.

What do you think, Dante?

I think I'm gonna kill you!

Get off of me!

What up?! Steel cage match!

You ruined my life!

Your life was already ruined!

Jesus!

What were you thinking?

A fucking donkey show?!

It was your going-away present!

DANTE:
It sure was.

I just never thought
I'd be going away to prison.

SEXY STUD:
Hey, boys.

You can't be imprisoned

for watching
an inter-species sex act.

You guys'll walk.

The most I'll get'll be a fine
for animal abuse

and a lot of disgusted looks
from asswipe conservatives

who can't appreciate
sexual exploration.

Hey!

(chuckles)

(sighs)

I miss my donkey.

I can't believe you.

I finally get my shit together.

I'm hours
from getting out of here

and really starting my life,
and you somehow figure out a way

to obliterate all that
and reduce me to a convict.

Oh, yeah, it's my fault
your life's fucked up.

I'm the engaged guy
who knocked up my boss.

You knocked up the guy
who owns Mooby's? Ew.

(chuckling):
What?

Would you shut up?

(chuckling)

You're chaos incarnate, man.

Our whole lives,

you've been getting me into
trouble and holding me back.

Oh, I'm holding you back, right?

I remember, like, ten years ago,

the night we went
to Julie Dwyer's funeral,

you were all like, "I need
to shit or get off the pot."

You said, "Shit
or get off the pot," not me.

You got all fired up about
taking charge of your life,

and what'd you do?

You worked at the store
till the place burned down.

I took courses at Brookdale.

And dropped out.

Because you stopped going.

Because we were just killing
time with those classes.

One semester,

we took Criminology,
for Christ's sake.

What the fuck were we training
to be, Batman?

DANTE:
At least we were
doing something

instead of wasting our lives in
some fucking convenience store!

RANDAL:
You know what?

You can badmouth Quick Stop all
you want, but I miss that place.

I loved working there.

I look back on that period
as the best time in my life.

Now I know you're fuckin' nuts.

Why? Because I enjoyed
what I did?

I got to watch movies,

fuck with assholes,
and hang out with my best friend

all day.

Can you think of a better way
to make a living?

Yeah, maybe it's not
what everyone does,

but it was pretty fucking good.

(laughs)

Man, that's you all over.

Scrape by with the bare minimum.

Well, I'm tired of that, Randal.

I'm not in high school anymore.

Shit, I'm not
even in my twenties anymore.

I don't want to sit around
and rag on customers

while eating free food.

That's what you want to do.

That's what you've
always wanted to do.

Well, if that's all you want out
of life, man, then God bless,

but I refuse to let your shit
taint the rest of mine.

No. I'm gonna smooth
things over with Emma,

go to Florida

and start
my Randal Graves-free existence.

And try to forget these last
33 years ever happened.

So that's the way you see all
this time we've spent together?

That's weird, man.

I thought you were
the only guy in the world

who got me and had my back...

the only person
who'd take a bullet for me,

'cause I assumed
you felt about me

the same way I feel about you.

Then, all of a sudden, one day,
you're like, "I'm moving. Bye."

Do you know
what that's been like for me?

I'm looking at a future
that just sucks,

because you're
not gonna be in it anymore.

And you're not
even throwing me over

for a life
that means something to you.

It's just a stupid,
hollow existence

you think you should embrace

because you're getting old
or something,

because it's the kind of life
everyone else goes after.

You're a fucking drone, dude.

DANTE:
Fine.

Then the next friend
whose life you ruin

can be a totally free spirit.

How's that?

You think I want to start
making friends at my age?

Christ.

Who would want me
as their friend?

I hate everyone, and everything
seems stupid to me...

...but you were always
the counterbalance to that...

the guy who was the yin
to my yang.

But now what the fuck am I gonna
do for the rest of my life?

I mean, shit, I really wish

you would've told me this
when I first met you

that one day,
you were gonna bail

on our friendship,

because if I had known
you were just gonna flake on me

a few decades later...

I wouldn't have even bothered
with your ass

in the first place.

Jesus, why don't you two

just fuck and get it
over with already?

(muttering):
Faggots.

Why can't you ever say
something useful for a change?

Well, what the fuck
you waiting for?

That's your cue, man.

I got nothing.

Jesus fucking Christ,
what good are you,

you mute fuck?!

You know what?
That hurts.

Like, what do you ever add
to the fucking proceedings?

You got, like, one answer
for everything: "Pussy, man."

Oh, then, man, you must love
this fuckin' guy,

'cause he's the biggest pussy
I ever met.

The dude who lives his life

according
to everyone else's standards.

"I got to go to Florida

and get married, 'cause that's
what's expected of me."

And the fuckin' insane part is,
he ain't even that crazy

about the chick he's marrying
or Florida,

never mind the fact
that he's got

a perfectly good chick

right here in Jersey
who he's nuts about,

and even Anne fuckin' Frank
could see she's nuts about him.

God knows why.

And she likes you
for who you are, man.

She ain't trying
to stuff you into a box

you'll never fit into.

Not to mention the fact
that she's carrying

your hideous fucking CHUD
of a kid.

Jesus, if you had any sense
whatsoever,

you'd fuckin' stop trying

to bray it up
with the rest of the sheep

and live your life
the way it makes sense for you,

you fuckin' ass!

Oh, yeah?
And what's that?

You obviously have
such a great handle

on your life.

Tell me what you would do
if you were in my position...

or even what you'd do
in your own position?

Swing that judgmental pendulum
back the other way

and tell me how you'd solve
all your problems, asshole.

What the fuck would the
great Randal Graves do

if he were half the
master of his destiny

that I'm supposed to be?!

I'd buy the Quick Stop
and reopen it myself!

That's what I'd do.

That's what we should do.

Yeah, right.

Who-who are we, Lance Dowds?

Do you know
how much it would cost

to buy the Quick Stop?

Like, 50 grand, easy.

And neither one of us have
that type of money.

(sighs)

JAY:
We do.

That's right.

You guys would be willing
to lend us some of that money

so we can reopen the stores?

Sure, on two conditions.

One: We can hang out
in front of the store

anytime we want, and
you can't call the cops.

And two:

You have to blow each other,

and we get to watch.

Then you have
to go ass to mouth.

All right, just
the first condition.

Seriously?

Do I stutter?

Yeah, seriously.

What do you think?

(sighs)

I almost hate to say it, but...

it kind of makes sense.

Hey, maybe that's why we spent
so much time in that store,

why college

or anything else
never panned out for us.

I mean, think about it, man.

You and me running
our own business

instead of working
for some other asshole?

Could be
pretty fuckin' sweet, right?

Yeah, it really could.

But I don't know, man.

I was this close
to starting a new life.

Jesus.

You're actually gonna make me
do this, aren't you?

(sighs)

Can you guys cover your ears
for a minute, please?

You're my best friend...

and I love you.

In a totally heterosexual way.

Yeah, right.

Please, man, don't leave me.

Thanks.

That'll be $5.79.

##

I mean, you already taught me
how to dance at a wedding.

I mean... I-I know you
don't believe in romantic love.

# I am the kindest soul
with whom you're connected #

# I have the bravest heart #

# That you've ever seen #

Is that a yes?

What took you so long?

# ...I am sometimes #

# You see everything #

# You see every part #

# You see all my light #

"One ring to rule them all."

# You dig everything #

# Of which I'm ashamed #

# There's not anything
to which you can't relate #

# And you're still here #

# What I resist #

# Persists and speaks #

# Louder than #

# I know #

# What I resist #

# You love, no matter #

# How low #

# Or high I go... #

Come on!

# You see everything #

# You see every part #

# You see all my light #

# And you love my dark #

# You dig everything #

# Of which I'm ashamed #

# There's not anything
to which you can't relate #

# And you're still here #

# You see everything #

- # You see every part #
- # You're still here #

# You see all my light #

- # And you love my dark #
- # And you're still here #

# You dig everything #

# Of which I'm ashamed #

# There's not anything
to which you can't relate #

# And you're still here. #

##

(song ends)

(traffic passing by)

("Goodbye Horses" playing)

Oh!

Thanks.
Okay.

Pack of cigarettes?

You know what?
What?

You're not even supposed
to be here today.

(chuckles)

(sighs):
Can you feel it?

Feel what?

Today is the first day
of the rest of our lives.

(light acoustic intro
playing)

# They say misery #

# Loves company #

# We could start a company #

# And make misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Well, I know
just what you need #

# I might just have the thing #

# I know what you'd pay #

# To see #

# Put me out of my misery #

# I'd do it for you #

# Would you do it for me? #

# We will always be busy #

# Making misery #

# We could build a factory #

# And make misery #

# We'll create the cure #

# We made the disease #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Well, I know
just what you need #

# I might just have the thing #

# I know what you'd pay #

# To feel #

# Put me out of my misery #

# All you suicide kings
and you drama queens #

# Forever after happily #

# Making misery #

##

# Did you satisfy your greed? #

# Get what you need? #

# Was it only envy? #

# So empty #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Frustrated,
Incorporated #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Put me out of my misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# I'd do it for you,
would you do it for me? #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Ever after happily #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Making misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Put me out of my misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# I'd do it for you,
would you do it for me? #

# Frustrated, Incorporated #

# Put me out of my misery #

# Frustrated, Incorporated. #

(song ends)

##

##

##

##

##

SEXY STUD:
Oh, shit, got to finish!

Hey!

(dramatic music stinger)

Snooge to the nooge!

(choking):
Oh, my God!

(grunts)

(whistling)