Clerks (1994) - full transcript

Hello.

What?

No, I don't work today.

I'm playing hockey at 2:00.

Why don't you call Randal?

Because I'm fucking tired.

I just closed last night.

Don't give me this.

What time do you think
you're gonna come in, 1 2:00?

Be there by 1 2:00? Swear.

Swear you'll be there by 1 2:00
and I'll do it.



Twelve or I walk.

Shit.

Thanks. Have a good one.

-Do you mind if I drink this here?
-Sure, go ahead.

-You open?
-Yeah.

-Pack of cigarettes.
-Are you sure?

-Am I sure?
-Are you sure?

Am I sure about what?

Do you really wanna buy
those cigarettes?

-Are you serious?
-How long have you been smoking?

-What is this? A poll?
-How long have you been a smoker?

-I don't know. Since I was about 1 3.
-Thirteen.

Let's see.
You are about 1 9, 20, am I right?

-What in the hell is that?
-That's your lung.



By this time, your lung looks like this.

-You've gotta be shitting me.
-You think I'm shitting you?

Here.

-What's this?
-It is a trach ring.

It's what they install in your throat

when throat cancer
takes your voice box.

This one came out
of a 60-year-old man.

Oh, God.

He smoked until the day he died.

He used to put the cigarette in this
and smoke it that way.

-Could you. . .
-This is where you're heading.

Cruddy lung,
smoking through a hole in your throat.

Do you really want that?

-Well, if it is already too late, I guess. . .
-No, it's never too late.

Put the cigarettes back
and try some gum instead.

-Here. Chewlies Gum. Try this.
-It's not the same.

It's cheaper than cigarettes
and it certainly beats this.

-Oh, Jesus.
-It's a picture of a cancer-ridden lung.

Keep it.

-I'll just take the gum.
-Fifty-five.

You made a very wise choice.
Keep up the good work.

If you're gonna drink that coffee,
I think you ought to take it outside.

No, I think I'll drink it in here, thanks.

Well, if you're gonna drink it in here,

I appreciate it
if you don't bother the customers.

Okay. I'm sorry about that.

Pack of cigarettes.

-What's that?
-This?

How long you been smoking?

We need some tits and ass. Yeah !

I feel good today, Silent Bob.
We're gonna make some money.

And then we're gonna go to that party
and get some pussy.

I'm gonna fuck this bitch,
I'm gonna fuck this bitch.

I'll fuck anything that moves.

What the fuck you looking at?
I'll kick your fucking ass. Shit, yeah.

Don't that motherfucker
owe me 1 0 bucks?

You know, tonight,
we're gonna rip off this fucker's head.

Take out his fucking soul.

If he tries to buy something,

I'm gonna shit
in the motherfucker's bag.

Yeah, what's up, baby?
What's up, sluts?

Silent Bob, you're a rude motherfucker,
you know?

But you're cute as hell.
I'd like to go down on you, suck you.

Line up three other guys,
make like a circus seal.

Oh, you fucking faggot, I hate guys.
I love women.

What you want, Grizzly Adams?

You're spending, what, 20, maybe $30
a week on your cigarettes?

-Yeah.
-Forty.

Fifty-three.

Fifty-three dollars
a week on cigarettes? Come on.

Would you give somebody that
much money each week to kill you?

Because that's what you're doing now

by paying for this so-called privilege
to smoke.

Hey, man, we gotta croak sometime.

It's that kind of mentality that allows
the cancer-producing industry to thrive.

Of course we're all gonna die someday.
But do we have to pay for it?

No, no.

Do we have to actually throw
hard-earned dollars

down on a counter and say

"Please, Mr. Merchant of Death,
sir, please.

"Sell me something
that will stink up breath and my clothes

"and fry my lungs"?

-Now, wait a second.
-Yeah.

Yeah, here comes the speech
about how he's just doing his job

by following orders.

Let me tell you about
another group of hate mongers

that were following orders.

-They were called Nazis.
-Nazis, that's right.

-Fucking Nazi.
-Yeah.

And they practically wiped
an entire nation of people off the Earth

just like cigarettes are doing now.

-I think you got to leave now.
-You want me to leave? Why?

Because somebody's telling it like it is?

Somebody's giving these fine people
a wake-up call?

No, you're loitering
and causing a disturbance.

I'm a disturbance?
You're the disturbance, pal.

You know? Here. Now I am a customer.
I'm gonna buy some Chewlies Gum.

All right? I'm a customer

engaged in a discussion
with the other customers.

-That's right.
-Yeah, now shut up so he can speak.

Yeah. See, he's scared now.
Because he sees the threat we present.

-He smells the changes coming.
-You can smell it.

You definitely are
the source in this area

and we're gonna shut you down
for good.

For good, cancer merchant.

Cancer merchant, cancer merchant.

Who's leading this mob?

That guy.

Freeze.

What's going on?

Let's see some credentials. Slowly.

You're a Chewlies Gum
representative?

Chewlies?

And you're stirring up all this
antismoking sentiment

to what, sell more gum?
Get out of here.

And you people,
don't you have jobs to go to?

Get out of here. Go commute.

You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.

Bunch of easily led automatons.

Try thinking for yourselves before you
pelt an innocent man with cigarettes.

Pack of cigarettes.

All right. Don't you think
you're taking this a bit too hard?

Too hard?
I have enough indignities in my life

and people start
throwing cigarettes at me.

-Least they weren't lit.
-Oh, I hate this fucking place.

Then quit.
You should be going to school anyway.

Please, Veronica. Last thing I need
at this point is a lecture.

All I'm saying is if you're that unhappy,
you should leave.

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

I know. I stopped by your house.

Your mom told me you left,
like, at 6:00.

The guy got sick. He couldn't come in.

Don't you have a hockey game at 2:00?

Yes. And I'm gonna play like shit

because I didn't have
a good night's sleep.

Why'd you agree to come in, then?

Hey, I'm only here until 1 2:00.
After that, I'm gone.

The boss comes in.

Open the shutters, get sunlight in here.

-Someone jammed gum in the locks.
-You're kidding.

Bunch of savages in this town.

Thanks.

How much money
did you leave up there?

Like, $3 in mixed change
and a couple of singles.

This time in the morning,
people just get paper or coffee.

-You're trusting.
-Why do you say that?

How do you know they're taking
the right change?

Or even paying for what they take?

Theoretically, people see money
on the counter and no one around,

they think they're being watched.

Honesty through paranoia.

Why do you smell like shoe polish?

I needed shoe polish
to make that sign out there.

The smell won't come off.

Do you think anybody
can see us down here?

Why?
Do you wanna have sex or something?

Can we?

-Really?
-I was kidding.

-Like you can't get enough of me.
-Typically male point of view.

How do you figure?

You show some bedroom proficiency,
you think you're gods.

-What about what we do for you?
-Women?

Women as lovers
are basically the same.

They just have to be there.

Be there?

Making a male climax
isn't at all challenging.

Insert somewhere close,
preferably moist, thrust, repeat.

How flattering.

Now, making a woman come,
therein lies a challenge.

Oh, you think so?

A woman makes a guy come,
it's standard.

A guy makes a woman come, it's talent.

-And I actually date you?
-Something wrong?

I'm insulted.

Believe me, Don Juan,
it takes more than that to get a guy off.

Just being there, as you put it,
is not enough.

Oh, I've touched a nerve.

I'm astonished to hear you
trivialize my role in our sex life.

It wasn't directed at you.
I was making a broad generalization.

You were making a generalization
about broads.

Those are my opinions
based on the few women

who were goodly enough
to sleep with me.

-How many?
-How many what?

How many different girls
have you slept with?

How many different girls?
Didn't we have this discussion once?

We might have, I don't remember.
How many?

-Including you?
-It better be up to and including me.

-Twelve.
-You've slept with 1 2 different girls?

Including you, yes.

What'd you do that for?

-You're a pig.
-Why'd you hit me?

Know how many men I've had sex with?

-Do I get to hit you after you tell me?
-Three.

-Three?
-Three including you.

You've only slept with three people?

-I'm not the pig you are.
-Who?

-You.
-No. Who were the three besides me?

John Francin and Rob Stanslik.

That's why you should feel like a pig.
You men make me sick.

You'll sleep with anything
that says yes.

-Animal, mineral or vegetable.
-Vegetable meaning paraplegic.

They put up
the least amount of struggle.

After dropping a bombshell like that,
you owe me big.

Name it.

I want you to come with me on Monday.

-Where?
-To school.

There's a seminar about getting back
into a scholastic program

after a lapse in enrolment.

Can't we ever have a discussion
without that coming up?

It's important to me, Dante.

You have so much potential
that's going to waste in this pit.

I wish you'd go back to school.

Jesus, will you stop it?
You're making my head hurt.

Shit. Why are we getting up?

Unlike you,
I have a class in 45 minutes.

-Willam.
-Oh, hey, Ronni. How you been, man?

-What, do you work here now?
-No, I was visiting my man.

Dante, this is Willam Black.
This is Dante Hicks, my boyfriend.

-How you doing? Just the soda?
-No, and a pack of cigarettes.

So where you been, man?
Are you still going to Seton Hall?

No, I transferred into Monmouth
this year. I was tired of missing him.

That's beautiful, man.

So you still talk to Silvan?

I just talked to her on Monday.
We still hang out on weekends.

Oh, that's great.

Well, you two lovebirds
take it easy, okay?

Bye. Take it easy.

-That was Snowball.
-Why do you call him that?

Silvan made it up. It's a blow job thing.

What do you mean?

After he gets a blow job,

he likes to have it spit back
into his mouth while kissing.

It's called snowballing.

-He requests this?
-He gets off on it.

Silvan can be talked into anything.

-Why do you say that?
-Like you said, she snowballed him.

-Silvan? No, I snowballed him.
-Yeah, right.

I'm serious.

You sucked that guy's dick?

Yeah, how do you think
I knew that he. . .

But you said you only had sex
with three guys.

-You never mentioned him.
-Because I never had sex with him.

You sucked his dick.

We went out a few times.

We never had sex,
but we fooled around.

Oh, my God.

Why'd you tell me you had sex
with three guys?

Because I did only have sex
with three different guys.

That doesn't mean
I didn't go with people.

Oh, my God, I feel so nauseous.

I'm sorry, Dante.
I thought you understood.

I did understand.

I understood that you had sex with
three guys and that's all you said.

-Please calm down.
-How many?

-Dante. . .
-How many dicks have you sucked?

-How many?
-All right. Shut up and I'll tell you.

Jesus. I didn't freak out when you
told me how many girls you fucked.

This is different. This is important.
How many?

Well?

Something like 36.

-What? Something like 36?
-Lower your voice.

What is that anyway,
"Something like 36"?

Does that include me?

-Thirty-seven.
-I'm 37?

-I'm going to class.
-Oh, my God.

Thirty-seven?
My girlfriend sucked 37 dicks.

-In a row?
-Hey, where are you going?

Until today you never even knew
how many guys I'd slept with

because you never even bothered
to ask.

Then you act all nonchalant
about fucking 1 2 girls.

-I never had sex with 1 2 different guys.
-No, but you sucked enough dick.

-Yeah, I went down on a few guys.
-A few?

And one of those guys was you.

The last one, I might add, which,
if you're too stupid to comprehend,

means I've been faithful to you
since we met.

All the other guys I went with
before I met you.

If you wanna have a complex,
go ahead.

But don't look at me like a town whore

because you were busy
before you met me.

Why did you have to suck their dick?

Why couldn't you sleep with them
like any decent person?

Because going down isn't a big deal.

I used to like a guy, we'd make out,
and sooner or later, I'd go down on him.

But I only had sex with the guys I loved.

-I feel sick.
-I love you. Don't feel sick.

Every time I kiss you,
I'm gonna taste 36 other guys.

I'm going to school. Maybe later
you'll be a bit more rational.

-Thirty-seven. I just can't. . .
-Goodbye, Dante.

Hey, try not to suck any dick
on your way through the parking lot.

Hey, hey, you. Get back here.

I thought that place was supposed
to be opened at 1 1 :00.

It's 1 1 :20.

I've already called his house twice.
I'm sure he'll be here soon.

Hey. It's not like it's a demanding job
over there.

I'd like to get paid
to sit on my ass and watch TV.

I walked in here the other day,
that son of a bitch was sleeping.

-I'm sure he wasn't sleeping.
-Are you calling me a liar?

-Are you calling me a liar?
-No, he was probably resting his eyes.

What the hell is that,
"Resting his eyes"?

What, like he's some
air traffic controller?

Actually, that's his night job.

Wiseass too, huh?
Go ahead, keep cracking wise.

That's why you're jockeying a register
in some local convenience store

instead of working at a steady job.

Look, I've got no time to bullshit around
here waiting for that son of a bitch.

Make sure he gets that.

The number's 81 2.
My name's Wynarski.

And I wanted a movie tonight.

If you'll tell me the title,
I'm sure he'll hold it for you.

Don't hurt yourself, buddy.
I'll go to Big Choice Video instead.

You forgot your keys.

-Guy ain't here yet.
-You're kidding. It's almost 1 1 :30.

I know. I've been here since 1 1 :00.

Man, I hate it when I can't rent videos.

I would've went to Big Choice,

but the tape I want
is right there on that wall.

-Really? Which one?
-Dental School.

You came for that too?
That's the movie I came for.

-I have first dibs.
-Says who?

Says me. I've been here for
half an hour. I'd call that first dibs.

Ain't gonna happen, my friend.
I'm getting that movie.

Like hell you are.

I'll bet you 20 bucks
you don't get to rent that tape.

-Twenty bucks?
-Twenty bucks.

All right, asshole, you're on.

-You're late.
-What the hell are you doing here?

I thought you were playing hockey.

-Boss called. Arthur fell ill.
-Why the shutters closed?

-Someone jammed gum in the locks.
-Bunch of savages in this town.

That's what I said.

Shit, if I'd known you were here,
I'd have come even later.

-What smells like shoe polish?
-Go open the store.

Hey, you see a set of keys
around here?

No time for love, Dr. Jones.

Fucking kids.

Some guy just came in
refusing to pay late fees.

He said the store was closed
for two hours yesterday.

-I tore up his membership.
-A shocking abuse of authority.

Hey, I'm a firm believer
in the philosophy of a ruling class.

Especially since I rule.

You want something to drink?
I'm buying.

No, thanks.

Who's on your phone this morning
at 2:30?

-I was trying to call for a half an hour.
-Why?

I wanted to use your car. Snack cake.

-You don't wanna know.
-You called Caitlin again?

-She called me.
-Did you tell Veronica?

One fight a day with Veronica
is all I can stomach. Thanks.

-What do you fight about?
-We don't fight about anything.

She just wants me to leave and go back
to school and get some direction.

I'll bet the most frequent topic
of arguments is Caitlin Bree.

-You win.
-I'm gonna offer you some advice.

Let the past be the past.
Forget Caitlin Bree.

-Been with Veronica how long now?
-Seven months.

Chick's nuts about you.
How long did you date Caitlin?

-Five years.
-Chick only made you nuts, man.

-She cheated on you how many times?
-Eight and a half.

-Eight and a half?
-Party at John Kay's, senior year.

I get blitzed,
passed out in his bedroom.

Caitlin comes in and jumps all over me.

-So that's cheating?
-In the middle, she called me "Brad."

-She called you "Brad"?
-She called me "Brad."

That's not cheating.
People say crazy shit during sex.

-One time, I called this girl "Mom."
-I hit the lights and she freaks.

-She thought I was Brad Michelson.
-What do you mean?

She was supposed to meet Brad
in a bedroom.

She picked the wrong one.
She didn't know I was at the party.

-Oh, my God.
-Great story, huh?

-That girl was vile to you.
-Interesting postscript to that.

Do you know who wound up
in that bedroom with Brad?

-Your mother?
-Alan Harris.

Chess team Alan Harris?

The two moved to Idaho together
after graduation.

-They raise sheep.
-That's frightening.

It takes different strokes
to move the world.

In light of this lurid tale,

I don't see how you'd romanticize
your relationship with Caitlin.

Broke your heart
and drove men to deviant lifestyles.

-There's good in our relationship.
-Oh, yeah?

Aside from the cheating,
we were a great couple.

I mean, that's what high school
is about.

Algebra, bad lunch and infidelity.

You think things will be different
this time?

They are. When she calls me now,
she's a different person.

She's frightened, vulnerable.

She's finishing college
and she's about to enter the real world.

-That's scary.
-I've got to place an order.

I'm talking to myself here.

I'm listening.
She's leaving college and. . .

And she's looking to me for support.

This is leading our relationship
to a new level.

And what about Veronica?

I think the arguments we are having
are some kind of manifestation

of a subconscious desire
to break up with her

so I can pursue a more meaningful
relationship with Caitlin.

-And Caitlin's on the same wavelength?
-I think it's safe to say yes.

All of you had better sit down
and talk it over.

-All four?
-You, Veronica, Caitlin,

and Caitlin's fiance.

Excuse me. Do you sell video tapes?

-Yeah. What are you looking for?
-Happy Scrappy, Hero Pup?

One second. I'm on the phone
with the distribution house now.

-Let me make sure they got it.
-Okay.

What's it called again?

-Happy Scrappy, Hero Pup.
-Happy Scrappy.

-She loves it.
-Obviously.

Yeah. Hi, this is RST Video calling.
Customer number 4352.

I'd like to place an order.

Okay.
I need one each of the following tapes,

Whispers in the Wind,
To Each His Own,

Put lt Where lt Doesn't Belong,
My Pipes Need Cleaning,

All Tit Fucking, Volume 8,
l Need Your Cock,

Ass Worshipping Rim Jobbers,
My Cunt and Eight Shafts,

Cum Clean, Cum Gargling
Naked Sluts, Cum Buns lll,

Cumming in Socks, Come on llene,

Huge Black Cocks
With Pearly White Cum,

Girls Who Crave Cock,
Girls Who Crave Cunt,

Men Alone ll, The KY Connection,
Pink Pussy Lips.

Oh, yeah and All Holes Filled
With Hard Cock. Yup.

Oh, wait a minute.
What was that called again?

Yes, I'd like to check
on a misprint in today's edition?

Today's edition.

It says
"Bree to wed Asian design major."

No, no, everything's spelled fine.

I was just wondering
if the article was a misprint.

I don't know. Like a typographical error
or something?

I don't know.
Maybe it should say "Caitlin Bray"

or "Caitlin Bre" with one E.

I'm a curious party. A curious party.

I'm an ex-boyfriend and, well,
it's just that I talk to her all the time

and she never mentioned
this engagement.

That's why I'm thinking,
maybe it's a misprint.

Are you sure?

I mean, maybe there's
a vindictive printer working for you.

Meaning, like, I don't know,

someone who asked her out once
and got shot down.

And this is his revenge by putting
this bogus article in the paper

when it went to the press.

Hello? Hello?

I don't care if she's my cousin or not,

I'm gonna knock
those boots again tonight.

Well, look who it is,
the fucking human vacuum.

Scumbag, what are you doing?

I'm hanging with Silent Bob
and his cousin.

He's your cousin?

-Yeah, and he's from Russia too.
-No way. What part of Russia?

I don't fucking know.
Do I look like his fucking biographer?

Olaf, what part of Russia are you from?

-Moscow.
-He only speaks Russian?

No, he speaks some English,
but he cannot speak it like we do.

Is he staying here?

No, he's moving
to the big city this week.

-He wants to be a metal singer.
-No way.

I swear. Olaf, metal.

That's his fucking metal face.
Olaf, girl nice?

-That's fucked up, man.
-What did he say?

I don't know, man,
but this guy's a character.

He really wants to play metal?

Yeah. He's got his own band
in Moscow.

It's called
Fuck Your Yankee Blue Jeans

or something like that.

-Doesn't sound metal.
-You gotta hear him sing.

Olaf, "Berserker."

Come on, man, "Berserker."

Does he sing in English or Russian?

In English. Come on, "Berserker."
Girls think sexy.

Watch, wait, he's gonna sing it.
Watch, it's too funny.

My love for you is like a truck
Berserker

Would you like some making fuck
Berserker

-That's fucking funny, man.
-Did he sing "Making fuck"?

My love for you is ticking clock
Berserker

Would you like to suck my cock
Berserker

That's beautiful, man.

Hold on to the counter and I'll pull.

Usually I just turn the can upside down.

Maybe we ought to soap your hand up.

They ought to put a warning
on these things.

-Like they do with cigarettes.
-Oh, I think it's coming.

Thanks.
I thought I had to go to the hospital.

I'll throw this out
as a precautionary measure.

It stings a little.

A little word of advice, my friend.

Sometimes you gotta let
those hard to reach chips go.

Thanks.

You know that article's accurate?
Caitlin really is getting married.

Know what I just watched?

Me pulling a can off some moron's fist?

Return of the Jedi.

Didn't you hear me?
Caitlin is really getting married.

Which did you like better,
Jedi or The Empire Strikes Back?

-Empire.
-Blasphemy.

Empire had the better ending.

I mean, Luke gets his hand cut off,
finds out Vader's his father.

Han gets frozen,
taken away by Boba Fett.

It ends on such a down note.

I mean, that's what life is,
a series of down endings.

All Jedi had was a bunch of Muppets.

There was something else
going on in Jedi.

I never noticed it until today.

-They build another Death Star, right?
-Yeah.

Now, the first one was completed
and fully operational

before the Rebels destroyed it.

Luke blew it up.
Give credit where credit's due.

Second one was still being built
when they blew it up.

Compliments of Lando Calrissian.

Something just never sat right with me
that second time around.

I could never put my finger on it.

-But something just wasn't right.
-And you figured it out.

The first Death Star was manned
by the Imperial Army.

The only people onboard
were stormtroopers,

-dignitaries, Imperials.
-Basically.

So when they blew it up,
no problem, evil is punished.

And the second time around?

The second time around,
it wasn't even done being built yet.

-It was still under construction.
-So?

So a construction job of that magnitude
would require

a hell of a lot more manpower
than the Imperial Army had to offer.

I'll bet they brought independent
contractors in on that thing.

-Plumbers, aluminum-siders, roofers. . .
-Not just Imperialists.

-Is that what you're getting at?
-Exactly.

To get it built quickly and quietly,
they'd hire anybody that can do the job.

Think the average stormtrooper
knows how to install a toilet main?

All they know is killing
and white uniforms.

All right, so they bring in
independent contractors.

Why are you so upset
at its destruction?

All those innocent contractors
brought in to do the job were killed.

Casualties of a war
they had nothing to do with.

All right, look. You're a roofer.

Some juicy government contract
comes your way,

you got a wife and kids,
the two-story in suburbia.

This is a government contract,
which means all sorts of benefits.

Along come these left-wing militants

that blast everything
within a 3-mile radius with their lasers.

You did not ask for that.
You had no personal politics.

You're trying to scrape out a living.

I don't mean to interrupt,
but what are you talking about?

The ending of Return of the Jedi.

My friend is trying to convince me
that any independent contractors

who were working
on the uncompleted Death Star

were innocent victims
when it was destroyed by the Rebels.

Well, I'm a contractor myself.
I'm a roofer.

Done and Ready Home Improvements.
And speaking as a roofer,

I can tell you a roofer's personal politics
comes into play when choosing jobs.

Like when?

Three weeks ago,
I was offered a job up in the hills.

A beautiful house. Tons of property.
A simple re-shingling job.

They told me if I could finish it
in one day, I would double my price.

-Then I realized whose house it was.
-Whose house was it?

-Dominic Bambino's.
-"Baby Face" Bambino? The gangster?

The same. The money was right,
but the risk was too high.

I knew who he was and based on that,
I turned the job over to a friend of mine.

Based on personal politics.

Right. And the next week
the Forsie family

put a hit on Baby Face's house.

My friend was shot and killed.
Didn't even finish re-shingling.

No way.

I'm alive because I knew the risk
involved in that particular client.

My friend wasn't so lucky.

Any contractor working on that
Death Star knew the risk involved.

If they got killed, it's their own fault.

A roofer listens to this, not his wallet.

They say so much,
but they never tell you if it's any good.

Are either one of these any good?

-Sir?
-What?

-Are either one of these any good?
-I don't watch movies.

Well, have you heard anything
about either one of them?

I find it's best to stay out
of other people's affairs.

You mean you haven't heard anybody
say anything about either one of these?

Nope.

-Well, what about these two?
-Oh, they suck.

These are the same two movies.
You weren't paying any attention.

No, I wasn't.

I don't think your manager
would appreciate it. . .

-I don't appreciate your ruse, ma'am.
-I beg your pardon?

Your ruse.
Your cunning attempt to trick me.

I was only pointing out

that you weren't paying any attention
to what I was saying.

-And I hope it feels good.
-You hope what feels good?

I hope it feels so good to be right.
There's nothing more exhilarating

than pointing out the shortcomings
of others, is there?

-Well, this is the last time I rent here.
-You'll be missed.

Screw you.

Hey, you're not allowed
to rent here anymore.

Yeah !

Screw me?

You'll never believe
what this unruly customer just said.

-Wait.
-She in here?

This guy is going through all the eggs.
Look.

This has been going on for 20 minutes.

What's he looking for?

-Said he has to find the perfect dozen.
-Perfect dozen?

Yeah. Each egg has to be perfect.

-The quest isn't going well, huh?
-Obviously not.

Look at the cartons
that didn't make the grade.

Why doesn't he mix and match?

-I told him and he yelled at me.
-What did he say?

He said it was important
to have standards.

-He said nobody has pride anymore.
-It's not like you laid the eggs yourself.

Five minutes.
After that, I'm calling the cops.

I don't need this. I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Two packs of cigarettes.

I'm as puzzled as you.

-I've actually seen it before.
-You know him?

I don't know him,
but I know the behavior.

-Looking for the perfect carton of eggs?
-Yeah. How'd you know?

And I'll bet you a million dollars
he's a guidance counselor.

Why do you say that?

Well, I saw it happen
in Food City, like, last year.

Different guy though.

Stock boy said that he'd been

looking through cartons of eggs
for half an hour,

doing all sorts of endurance tests
and stuff.

I ask them why nobody
ever called the manager,

and he said it happens, like, two,
three times a week, sometimes more.

-Get out of here.
-No, I kid you not.

They call it shell shock.

Seems to only happens
with guidance counselors.

They used to make a big deal of it,
but they let it go

because they always
pay for whatever they break

and they never bother anybody.

Why guidance counselors?

Well, if your job was as meaningless
as theirs, wouldn't you go crazy too?

Come to think of it, my guidance
counselor was kind of worthless.

See? It's important to have a job
that makes a difference, boys.

That's why I manually masturbate
caged animals

for artificial insemination.

You ever notice that all the prices
end in nine?

Damn, that's eerie.

You know how much money the
average jizz-mopper makes per hour?

What's a jizz-mopper?

The guy that cleans out the nudie booth
after each guy jerks off.

-"Nudie booth"?
-Yeah, nudie booth.

-Never been in a nudie booth?
-Guess not.

Oh, man, it's great.

You go to this booth and there's this
glass between you and these chicks

and they put on a show for you for like
for, like, 1 0 bucks.

What kind of a show?

Think of the weirdest,
craziest shit you'd like to see chicks do.

I mean, these chicks do it all.

They insert things into any opening
on their body. Any opening.

Can we not talk about this now?

The jizz-mopper's job is to clean it up
after each guy shoots a load.

Everybody does it right on the window.
I don't know if you noticed,

but cum leaves streaks
if you don't clean it right away.

-I will never come to this place again.
-Excuse me?

Using filthy language
in front of the customers.

You both should be fired.

Oh, I'm sorry.
I guess we kind of got carried away.

Well, I don't know
if sorry can make up for it.

You've highly offended me.

Well, if you think that's offensive,
check this out.

I think you can see her kidneys.

Why do you do things like that?

You know he's gonna come back
and tell the boss.

Who cares? That guy's an asshole.

Everybody that comes in here
is way too uptight.

This job would be great
if it wasn't for the customers.

I'm gonna hear from the boss tomorrow.

Oh, would you loosen up?

You'd feel a hell of a lot better

if you'd rip into
the occasional customer.

Why? I don't bother them
and they don't bother me.

Liar. Tell me there aren't customers

that annoy the piss out of you
on a daily basis.

-There aren't.
-How can you lie like that?

Why don't you vent?
Vent your frustrations.

Come on. Who pisses you off?

Well, I guess it isn't customers
in particular.

Maybe just a group of customers.

-Well, let's hear it.
-Well, the milkmaids.

The milkmaids?

The women that go through every
gallon of milk looking for that later date

as if somewhere beyond
all the other gallons

is a container of milk that won't go bad
for, like, a decade.

You know who I can do without?

I could do without the people
in the video store.

-Which ones?
-All of them.

What would you get for a 6-year-old
boy who chronically wets his bed?

So do you have any new movies in?

Do you have that one with that guy

who was in that movie
that was out last year?

They never rent quality flicks.

They always pick the most intellectually
devoid movie on the racks.

Navy Seals.

It's like in order to join, they have
to have an IQ less than their shoe size.

Think you get stupid questions?

You should hear the barrage
of stupid questions I get.

What, there's no ice?
I gotta drink this coffee hot?

So how much is this thing anyway?

Do you sell hubcaps
for a '72 Pinto hatchback?

Oh, Mini Truckin' magazine.

See? You vented. Don't you feel better?

-No.
-Why not?

Because my ex-girlfriend's
getting married.

Jesus, you got a one-track mind.
It's always Caitlin, Caitlin, Caitlin.

Veronica.

What happened to home by 1 2:00?

Boss hasn't shown up yet.
How come you're not in class?

Lit 1 01 got canceled so I stopped home
and I brought you some lunch.

What is it?

Peanut butter and jelly
with the crusts cut off.

-What do you think it is? It's lasagna.
-Really?

Oh, you're the queen.

I'm glad you've calmed down a bit.
Hi, Randal.

-Thirty-seven.
-Shut up.

Yes, I've calmed down.
I'm not happy, but I'll be able to deal.

Why don't you go back
to the video store?

You had to tell him?

I had to tell someone.
He put it into perspective.

-What did he say?
-He said at least he wasn't 36.

And that made you feel better?

And he also said
that most of them were college guys

I've never even seen or met before.

-Ostrich syndrome. If you don't see it. . .
-It isn't there, yes.

-Thank you for being rational.
-Thank you for the lasagna.

-Couldn't get the shutters open?
-No. I called a locksmith.

He said the earliest he could be here's
tomorrow morning.

Bummer. Well, I've gotta
head back for the 1 :30 class.

-What time do you get finished?
-Eight.

But I have a sorority meeting till 9:00,
so I'll see you when you close, then.

-Can we go out for coffee?
-Sure.

Good.

I'll see you when you close, then.
Enjoy the lasagna.

Vermont?

No, that can't be.
I just talked to him this morning.

He left at what time?

He really went to Vermont?

When the hell
was someone gonna tell me?

He promised me he'd be here by noon.

Jesus. When does he get back?

Tuesday? You gotta be kidding me.
I've got a hockey game at 2:00

and the steel shutters are
jammed closed and he's in Vermont?

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

So I'm stuck here until closing?

Oh, this is just great.

I can't fucking believe this.

No. I'm sorry,
I didn't mean to yell at you.

Yeah, I know.

No, I'll be all right.

Well, that's all I can do, right? Yeah.
All right, thanks. Bye.

-Vermont?
-Can you fucking believe this?

He didn't mention that
to you this morning?

Not a word.
Not a fucking word, that slippery shit.

-So, what, you're stuck here all day?
-Fuck!

-Why'd you apologize?
-What?

I heard you apologize. Why?

-You have every reason to be mad.
-I know.

Jesus. That seems to be the leitmotif
in your life, ever backing down.

-I don't back down.
-You always back down.

You assume blame that's not yours,
you come in on your day off,

you buckle like a belt.

-Know what pisses me off?
-That I'm right about your buckling?

-That I'm gonna miss the fucking game.
-Because you buckled.

-Shut up with that shit. It ain't helping.
-Don't yell at me, pal.

-I'm sorry.
-See? There you go again.

I can't believe
I'm gonna miss the game.

At least we're stuck here together.

You got a customer.

What? What do you want?

Oh, I can't fucking believe this.

Yeah, hello, Sanford? Dante.

I can't play today. I'm stuck at work.

Yeah, I know I'm not scheduled,
but I just. . . Forget it.

Point is I can't play today.
Neither can Randal. He's working too.

Hey, wait a second.
Do we have to play at the park?

Hold on. You feeling limber?

-Pull my laces tighter, man.
-I've gotta tell you, my friend.

This is one of the ballsiest moves
I've been privy to.

I never thought you capable of such
a blatant disregard of store policy.

I told him I had a game today.
It's his own fault.

No arguments here.
Insubordination rules.

I want to play hockey
like I was scheduled to.

Hey, I'm gonna grab a Gatorade.

If you grab a Gatorade,
everybody's gonna grab one.

-So?
-So? Who's gonna pay?

What do you care,
shoe-polish-smelling motherfucker?

I have responsibility.
I can't have everybody grab free drinks.

What responsibility? You're closing
the fucking store to play hockey.

He's got a point.

Let me maintain some semblance
of managerial control.

If you're gonna be insubordinate,
might as well go the full nine,

not pussy out
when it comes to free shit to drink.

Right. As if we're gonna have a run
on Gatorade.

-Fucking-A.
-All right.

Jesus, you fuckers are pushy.

I hear Caitlin's marrying
an Asian drum major.

-Design major.
-Can we not talk about this?

Fine by me. But you're living in denial
and suppressing rage, motherfucker.

-You gonna lock the store?
-You gonna lock the video store?

Look who you're asking.
How we gonna block the street?

-We're not playing in the street.
-Then where we gonna play?

Hit him, hit him, hit him.

Hit him.

Dante. Here, here, here.

Now, wait a second. . .

Hit him.

That's it.

I got him, I got him, I got him.
He's mine, mine, mine.

Over here, back, back, back.
Come on, get it.

-Clear the crease.
-Hit him.

Yeah.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.

-Bring it up, bring it up, bring it up.
-To the left, to the left.

Hit him.

Get him. All right, here we go,
I got, I got it. I'm here.

-When's this period over?
-Eight more minutes.

Are you shitting me?
I wanna get cigarettes.

If you can just wait
a few minutes, okay?

Fuck that. I'm gonna break
my neck on this ladder.

Now lose the skates, Dorothy Hamill,
and open the fucking store.

-Dante, where are you?
-He's busy.

-In a second.
-Fuck in a second.

-Look at you, you can't even pass.
-I can pass.

How about covering the point?
Man, you suck.

-Who are you to make assessments?
-Hey, I'll assess all I want, pal.

-Hey, Dante, you in or out?
-Don't pass to this guy. He sucks.

-You suck.
-Like you're better.

-I'll whip your ass any day, pal.
-That's easy to say from over here.

Give me a stick.

I'll knock your fucking teeth out
and pass all over your ass.

-Hey, are you open?
-Yeah, are you open?

-No.
-No.

There's a stick over there.
You're shooting up against this goal.

Hey, Redding, come off.
Let this fuck on.

Face-off, right here.

Oh, man. Nice hit.

Come on, let's go, let's go, let's go.
Come on, come on, get it.

Come on, come on.
Get him, get him, get him.

Give me another ball.

There are no more.

The fuck you talking about?
How many balls you bring?

I brought the orange one
and the orange one.

Hey, any balls down there?

About the biggest pair
you've ever seen, dingleberry.

-You only brought one ball?
-I thought Redding brought all the balls.

Dante had the balls.

-Nobody has another ball?
-Shit.

We get, what, 1 2 minutes of a game
and then it's over?

Fuck! Fuck, fuck, fuck!

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

I still get free Gatorade, right?

-Be careful.
-I'm trying.

You know, the insides of those
has got stuff that can give you cancer.

-So I'm told.
-Yeah.

I had a friend that chewed glass
for a living.

At the circus.

And he got cancer
from chewing fluorescent-bulb glass?

No, got hit by a bus.

Can I help you?

Well, that depends.

You got maybe a toilet in here?

Yeah, but it's for employees only.

I understand, but I thought maybe
you would let me use it anyway.

I'm not so young anymore.

I am, how do you say,
a little incontinent.

Sure, in the back. Through the cooler.

Thank you, sonny boy.

Say, what kind of toilet paper
you got back there?

-The white kind.
-I didn't ask about the color.

I mean is it rough or is it cottony?

-Actually, it's kind of rough.
-Oh, boy.

It's gonna knock the hell
out of my hemorrhoids.

I thought maybe you could let me have
a roll of the soft stuff.

I see you sell the soft stuff back there.

-Yeah, but. . .
-Come on, what's the difference?

You said yourself
you have the rough stuff in the back.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

Thank you, sonny boy.
You're a lifesaver.

Say, young fella,
I hate to bother you again,

but maybe I could have
something in the back there.

To read? A paper or something.

Sometimes it takes me a while,

and I like to have something to read
while it's going on.

Yeah, sure. Go ahead.

One of the magazines
you got in the back over there.

Behind the counter.

-The porno mags?
-Yeah.

I like the cartoons.
They make me laugh.

They draw some of the biggest titties
you ever saw.

No, not this one. Maybe the one
you got underneath this one.

They got bigger titties in there.

Here. Now leave me alone.

Thank you, sonny boy. I appreciate it.

-Hell of a game.
-One ball.

I close the store.

They come all the way here
for one ball.

Hockey's hockey.
At least we got to play.

Twelve minutes is not a game.
Jesus, it's hardly even a warm up.

Bitch, bitch, bitch.
You want something to drink?

Yeah, Gatorade.

Hey, what happened
to all the Gatorade?

Exactly. They drank it all.

-You know what Sanford told me?
-I can't believe Caitlin's getting married.

-Julie Dwyer died.
-Yeah, right.

-No, I'm serious.
-Oh, my God.

Sanford's brother dates her cousin.
He found out this morning.

-How, when?
-Embolism in her brain, yesterday.

Jesus.

She was swimming when it happened.
She died in mid-backstroke.

I haven't seen her in, like, two years.

Correct me if I'm wrong,
but wasn't she one of the illustrious 1 2?

-Yeah, number six.
-You've had sex with a dead person.

-I'm gonna go to her wake.
-No, you're not.

-Why not?
-It's today.

-What?
-Paulson's Funeral Parlor.

-The next show is at 4:00.
-Shit, what about tomorrow?

One night only.
She's buried in the morning.

-Watch the store, I gotta go.
-Wait, wait, wait.

Has it ever occurred to you
that I might be bereaved as well?

You hardly knew her.

True, but do you know
how many people are gonna be there?

-All of our old classmates.
-Stop it, this is beneath even you.

I'm not gonna miss
what's probably gonna be

the social event of the season.

-You hate people.
-But I love gatherings.

-Isn't it ironic?
-Stop it. Stop being an asshole.

-Someone's gotta watch the store.
-If you go, I go.

She meant nothing to you.

She meant nothing to you neither
until I told you she died.

-I'm not taking you.
-I'm going with you.

I can't close the store.

You just closed the store
to play hockey on the roof.

Exactly, which means
I can't close it for another hour

so we can both go to a wake.

You were saying?

Thanks for putting me
in such a tough spot.

You're a good friend.

-She was pretty young, huh?
-Twenty-two, just like us.

-Embolism in a pool.
-What an embarrassing way to die.

That's nothing compared
to how my cousin Walter died.

-How did he die?
-He broke his neck.

That's embarrassing?

He broke his neck
trying to suck his own dick.

-Shut the hell up.
-I swear.

-Stop it.
-Bible truth.

Oh, my God.

Come on, haven't you ever tried
to suck your own dick?

-No.
-Yeah, right.

You're so repressed.

Because I never tried
to suck my own dick?

No, because you won't admit to it.

As if a guy's a fucking pervert because
he tries to get down on himself.

You're as curious as the rest of us, pal.
You've tried it.

Who found him?

My cousin? My aunt found him.

It was a mess. He was on his bed.

His legs doubled over on himself.
Mom freaked out.

-He made it, huh? A dick in his mouth.
-Yeah.

Balls resting on his lips.

-Wow, he really made it.
-Yeah, but at what a price.

-I could never reach.
-Reach what?

-You know.
-What, your dick?

Yeah, like you said,
I guess everybody gets curious

and tries it sometime.

I never tried it.

Fucking pervert.

I knew this was a bad idea
to close the store.

-Listen to you.
-I can't help it.

At least when we were on the roof,
I could see if anybody wanted to go in.

Nobody's there. It's 4:00 on a Saturday.

How many people ever come
to the store at 4:00 on a Saturday?

Let us in.

-I can't fucking believe you.
-I'm telling you, it wasn't my fault.

You knocked the casket over,
for Christ's sake.

I was just leaning on it.
It was an accident.

Like someone knocks a casket over
on purpose?

So the casket fell over. Big deal.

-Her fucking body fell out.
-So they'll put her back in it.

It's not like it matters
if she breaks something.

Just go. Just go open the video store.

-Yeah, open the video store.
-Shut the fuck up, junkie.

-Just go open the video store.
-Yeah, you cock-smoking clerk.

And how many times have I told you
not to be dealing in front of the store?

I'm not dealing, man.
What are you talking about?

-You got anything, man?
-Yeah, man, what you want?

-Hey, let me borrow your car.
-I don't wanna talk to you.

Fine. Just let me borrow your car.

-Why should I loan you my car?
-I wanna rent a movie.

-You wanna rent a movie.
-I wanna rent a movie.

-What's that for?
-You work in a video store.

I work in a shitty video store.

I wanna go to a good video store
so I can get a good movie.

And a pack of cigarettes.

Cute cat. What is its name?

-Annoying Customer.
-Fucking dickhead.

Can you imagine being halfway decent
to the customers sometimes?

Let me borrow your car.

-May I be blunt with you?
-If you must.

We are employees
of the Quick Stop Convenience

and RST Video, respectively.

As such, we have certain obligations.

Though they may seem
cruel and unusual,

does mean manning the store
until closing.

I see, so playing hockey
and attending wakes,

these practices
are standard operating procedure?

There's a difference.
Those were obligations.

Obligations that couldn't have been met
at any other date.

Now, renting videos,
that's just gratuitous,

not to mention illogical,
being that you work at a video store.

-Are you open?
-Yes.

Know what?
I don't think I care for your rationale.

Well, it's gonna have to do,
being that it's my car up for request.

-Can I help you?
-A pack of cigarettes.

So, what's your point?

My point is you're a clerk,
paid to do a job.

You can't just do anything you want
while you're working.

"Space alien revealed
as head of Time Warner.

"Reports stock increase."

They print any kind of shit
in these papers.

They certainly do, $3.

So your argument is
that title dictates behavior?

-What?
-You won't let me use your car

because I have a title
and a job description.

-I'm supposed to follow it, right?
-Exactly.

I saw one, one time that said
the next week the world is ending.

And then in the next week's paper,
they said,

"We were miraculously saved
at the zero hour

"by a koala-fish mutant bird."
Crazy shit.

So I'm no more responsible
for my decisions here than, say,

a death-squad soldier in Bosnia?

Now that's stretching it.

You're not being asked to slay children.

Yeah, not yet.

And I remember one time. . .

I'm gonna break your fucking head,
you fucking jerk-off.

I'm sorry, he meant to hit me.

-Well, he missed.
-Yeah, I know.

Let me refund your money
and we'll call it even, all right?

Yeah, I'll never come in here again.

And if I see you again, I'm gonna
break your fucking head open.

-What the fuck did you do that for?
-Two reasons,

one, I hate it
when the people can't shut up

about the stupid tabloid headlines.

-Oh, Jesus.
-And two, to prove a point.

-Title does not dictate behavior.
-What?

If title dictated my behavior,
as a clerk serving the public,

I wouldn't be allowed to spit water
at that guy.

But I did, so my point is
that people dictate their own behavior.

Even though I work in a video store,

I choose to go rent movies
at Big Choice.

Agreed?

You're a danger
to both the dead and the living.

I like to think
I'm a master of my own destiny.

-Please, get the hell out of here.
-I know I'm your hero.

Sounds to me like
somebody needs to hit the gym.

Excuse me?

I heard you strain when you picked up
that milk. Could only weigh 7 pounds.

I didn't strain, I sighed.

I don't think so. That was a grunt.

A deep inhalation of oxygen
to aid in the stretching of muscles.

I'm a trainer.

I know what that sound signifies.
You're out of shape.

What are you talking about?
There's no fat on my body.

No fat. No tone, either.
You don't get enough exercise.

-You open?
-Yes.

-Just the paper.
-Thirty-five.

Hey, let me ask you a question.
Do you think this guy's out of shape?

I don't know. I can't really tell from here.

-He is.
-I am not.

-How much can you bench?
-I don't know.

-I'd say about 60, 70, tops.
-Oh, I know I can bench more than that.

-Three-fifty, four.
-No way.

Feel that.

Hey, that's tight. Solid.

Now feel this.
Roll up your sleeve, chief.

Oh, for God's sakes.

See? You're ashamed.

You know you're out of shape.
Here, take my card.

I can get you on
an aerobics free-weights program.

-Are you open?
-Yes.

I'm not out of shape.

Excuse me,
have you been here all day?

-Yeah, since 6:00 this morning.
-He's got those love handles.

I don't have love handles.

-Were you working here about 4:00?
-Yes.

It's probably
from being around all this food.

Oh, I know.

If I had to work here all day,
I'd be bloated and out of shape too.

I'm not out of shape.

-Can I have your name please?
-Dante Hicks.

Why? What is this all about?

You're Dante Hicks?

Oh, my God.
I didn't even recognize you.

-Because he's out of shape.
-Do I know you?

Yeah, do you remember Alyssa Jones?
She used to hang out with. . .

-Caitlin Bree.
-I'm her sister.

-You're Alyssa's sister, Heather?
-Yes.

-Did you say Caitlin Bree?
-Yeah.

Pretty girl, little taller than her.

-Gorgeous body?
-Yeah.

And you're Dante Hicks?

You went to the same school.
You played hockey.

-Yeah, how did you know that?
-You still going out with her?

No, she's getting married.

-To you?
-No, to an Asian design major.

Oh, shit.

Don't take this the wrong way,
but I used to fuck her.

-What?
-Yeah, about two, three years ago.

While you two were dating,
I drove a black Trans Am.

-You're Rick Derris?
-Yeah.

-You know him?
-Yeah.

-Caitlin talked about him all the time.
-Really?

Wait a second. You used to fuck
Caitlin Bree while I was dating her?

Man, don't let it bother you.
That was a long time ago.

I'm surprised
you didn't know about it, Dante.

Everybody in school knew about it,
even in my class.

Jesus Christ, what next?

-Here you go.
-What's this?

-It's a fine for $500.
-What?

Five hundred bucks? For what?

For violation of New Jersey Statute
Section 2A, number 1 70/51 .

Any person who sells
or makes available tobacco

or tobacco-related products
to persons under the age of 1 8

is regarded as disorderly.

What are you talking about?

An angry mother called
the state division of taxation

and claimed
that a Quick Stop employee

sold her 4-year-old daughter
a pack of cigarettes at 4:00 today.

The New Jersey division of taxation
called the Board of Health

and sent me down to issue a fine.

You claimed
you were working here all day,

hence the fine is yours.

The fine is doubled due
to the incredibly young age of the child.

But I didn't sell any cigarettes
to any kids.

You sold cigarettes to a 4-year-old?
What a scumbag.

That's sick, Dante.

I didn't sell any cigarettes to any kids.
I swear.

The due date is on the bottom.

This summons cannot be contested
in any court of law.

Failure to remit before the due date

will result in a charge
of criminal negligence

and a warrant will be issued
for your arrest.

Have a nice day.

But I didn't sell any cigarettes
to any kids. Hey, wait a minute.

Forget it.

I don't wanna deal with a guy
that sells cigarettes to 4-year-olds.

-Can I give you a lift somewhere?
-Sure.

-How about the beach?
-I like the way you think.

Jesus, what next?

-Dante?
-What?

Caitlin?

-When did you get home?
-Just now.

I can't believe it. I haven't seen you. . .

Dante, you have a customer.

I just saw Alyssa's little sister outside.

-She was with Rick Derris.
-Let's not talk about that.

-How did you get home?
-Train, it took eight hours.

I can't believe you're here.

-Excuse me. . .
-Yeah, back behind the oil.

-How long are you staying?
-Until Monday.

Then I have to take the train back.

Pack of cigarettes.

Hey, congratulations.

I saw the announcement
in today's paper.

-She's marrying an Asian design major.
-So I'm told.

You're just gonna close the store?

I wanna talk to you
and I don't wanna be disturbed.

There's something
I read in the tabloids.

-You saw it?
-Very dramatic, I thought.

-It's not what you think.
-It's not what I think.

It's worse? You're pregnant
with the Asian design major's child?

-What's going on here?
-I am not pregnant.

Were you gonna tell me
or just send me an invitation?

I was gonna tell you,

but we were getting along,
I didn't want to mess it up.

You could've broken it to me gently
by telling me you had a boyfriend.

-I mean I told you I have a girlfriend.
-I know, I'm sorry.

But when we started talking,
it was like I forgot I had a boyfriend.

And he proposed last month.

-And you said yes?
-Well, kind of, sort of.

Is that what they teach in that
school of yours? Kind of, sort of?

Everyone knows about this except me.
Do you know how humiliating that is?

I would've told you, and
you would have stopped calling me.

-How do you know that?
-Because I know you.

You prefer drastic measures
to rational ones.

-So you're really getting married?
-No.

You're not really getting married?

The story goes like this,

he proposed to me,
I told him I had to think about it,

and he insisted I wear the ring anyway.

Then my mother told the paper
we were engaged.

How like her.

Then my mother called me this morning

to let me know that
the announcement was in the paper.

That's when I hopped the train
to come back.

I knew you'd be a wreck.

-Thanks for the vote of confidence.
-Was I right?

Wreck is a harsh term.

Disturbed is more like it.
Mildly disturbed, even.

I love a macho facade.
It is such a turn-on.

What smells like shoe polish?

So you came here to what,
to comfort me?

The last thing I needed was for you
to think I was hiding something.

-But you were.
-No, I wasn't.

Not really.
I told you I'd been seeing other people.

Yeah, but not seriously.

Christ, you're ready
to walk down the aisle.

That constitutes something more
than just seeing somebody.

-I mean, what's going on?
-I'm giving him his ring back.

What?

I don't wanna marry him.
I don't wanna get married now.

I'm on the verge of graduation.
I want to go to grad school after this.

And then I wanna start a career.

I don't wanna be a wife first,

and then worry about when I'm gonna
fit in all of the other stuff.

I've come way too far
and studied too damn hard

to let my education go to waste
as a housewife.

And I know that's what I'd become.

Sang's just signed with a major firm,

and he's gonna be pulling in
a huge salary,

which would give me
no reason to work. He's very traditional.

Wait a minute, his name is Sang?
Past tense?

Stop it. He's a nice guy.

Well, if he's so nice,
why aren't you marrying him?

I just told you.

There's more to this, isn't there?

Why, Mr. Hicks,
whatever do you mean?

I don't have something to do with it?

-You have nothing to do with it.
-Oh, you lie.

Look how full of yourself you are.

I believe in giving credit
where credit's due.

And I believe I'm the impetus
behind your refusal to wed.

If I'm so nuts about you,

then why am I having sex
with an Asian design major?

Jesus, you're so caustic.

I had to knock you down
from that cloud you were floating on.

When I say I don't wanna get married,
I mean just that.

I don't want to marry anybody.
Not for years.

Who's asking?
I don't wanna marry you.

Good. Keep in that frame of mind.

Well, let's date.

Oh, I think Sang and Veronica,
they'd love that.

We can introduce the two of them.
They may hit it off.

You're serious. You wanna date again.

I wanna be your boyfriend, yes.

It's just the shock of seeing me
after three years.

-Believe me, you'll get over it.
-Give me a bit more credit.

I think it's time we got back together.

I mean, I'm more mature,
you're more mature,

you're finishing college,
I'm already in the job market.

-You work in a market, all right.
-Cute.

Tell me you wouldn't wanna go out
after the talking we've been doing.

The key word here is talk, Dante.

I think the idea,
or the conception of us dating

is a lot more idyllic than what
actually happens when we date.

So, what, are we supposed to
pretend over the phone we're dating?

I don't know, maybe we should just see
what happens.

-Let me take you out tonight.
-On a date?

Yeah, a real date. Dinner and a movie.

The Dante Hicks
dinner-and-movie date.

-I think I've been on that one before.
-You have a better suggestion?

How about
the Caitlin Bree walk-on-the-boardwalk

then-get-naked-somewhere
kind-of-private date?

-I hear that's kind of a popular date.
-Jerk.

God, here I am, throwing myself at you,
succumbing to your wily charms,

and you're calling me a slut,
in so many words.

-What about Sing?
-Sang.

-Sang.
-He's not invited.

He's your fiance.

I'm offering you my body
and you're offering me semantics.

He's just a boyfriend, Dante.

And in case you haven't gotten the drift

of why I came
all the way here from Ohio,

I'm about to become single again.

And yes, allow me to placate your ego,

you are the inspiration for this bold
and momentous decision

that will probably get me ostracized
from both school and home.

You ask me who I choose,
I choose you.

-So, what are you saying?
-You're such an asshole.

Just kidding.

I can already see
this is not gonna work out.

I'll ask Randal to close up
when he gets back.

Where is he anyway?

I thought he'd be at your side,
like a lapdog.

He went to go rent a movie,
he isn't back yet.

Screw it,
I'll close up and leave him a note.

You're too responsible.

But no. I have to go home first.

They don't even know
I've left school yet.

And I should break
the disengagement news to my mother,

which is gonna cause quite a row,
considering she loves Sang.

Who doesn't?

Well, me, I guess.

So I shall take my leave of you,
but I will return in a little while,

at which time, yes, I would love to go
for dinner and a movie with you.

Hey, what happened to the walk
and the nakedness?

I'm easy, but I'm not that easy.
See you later, handsome.

Yes.

-Get to work.
-Hey, what did you rent?

-"Best of Both Worlds"?
-Hermaphroditic porn.

Starlets with both organs.
You should see the box.

Beautiful chicks with dicks
that put mine to shame.

-And you rented this?
-Hey, I like to expand my horizons.

I got fined
for selling cigarettes to a minor.

-No way.
-Five hundred dollars.

-You're bullshitting.
-No, I'm not.

Holy shit,
I didn't even think they enforced this.

Living proof.

You never sold cigarettes to kids.

-I didn't, you did.
-Really?

Yep. Little girl, maybe 4 years old?

Holy shit, that girl?

As opposed
to the hundreds of other children

you've sold cigarettes
while working here.

-Then how come you got the fine?
-Because I'm here.

-You're lying.
-I'm not.

Then why aren't you screaming at me?

-Because I'm happy.
-You're happy?

-I'm happy.
-You're happy to get a fine?

-I'm happy because Caitlin came.
-I know you're lying.

-I'm not, she just left.
-What did she say?

She said she's not marrying that guy.
She went home to tell her mom.

-You're kidding.
-I'm not.

Wow, you've had quite an evening.

She went home and
she's getting ready. We're going out.

I feel so ineffectual.
Is there anything I can do for you?

Watch the store while I go and change.

What happened
to title dictates behavior?

Well, this is my way
of spitting water at life.

All right, you want me to bring
the VCR over so we can watch this?

No, I might be leaving early.

You're gonna have to lock up
the store tonight.

All right, but you're missing out.
Chicks with dicks.

No.

Well, Randal Graves,
scourge of the video renter.

Ladies and gentlemen,

Ms. Asian Design Major herself,
Caitlin Bree.

You saw that article?
God, isn't it awful?

-My mother sent that in.
-I take it she likes the guy.

You'd think she's marrying him.

-What are you watching?
-Children's programing.

What did your mom say when
you told her you weren't engaged?

She said not to come home
until after graduation.

Wow, you got thrown out for Dante?

What can I say?
He does weird things to me.

-Can I watch?
-You can hold me down.

Can I join in?

You might be let down.
I'm not a hermaphrodite.

Hey, few are.

So, what makes you think you can
maintain a relationship with him

this time around?

A woman's intuition.

Something inside me says it's time
to give the old boy a serious try.

Hey, you know, you and I
have something in common.

We both eat Chinese.

-Dick.
-Exactly.

So where is he?

He went home
to change for the big date.

-God, isn't he great?
-No, this is great.

Oh, Lord. Can I use your bathroom?

-There's no light back there.
-Why aren't there any lights?

Well, there are, but for some reason,
they stop working at 5: 1 4 every night.

-You're kidding.
-Nobody can figure it out.

The boss doesn't wanna pay
the electrician to fix it,

because the electrician owes money
to the video store.

Such a sordid state of affairs.

And I'm caught in the middle,
torn between my loyalty for the boss

and my desire to piss with the lights on.

I'll try to manage.

Oh, hey, Caitlin.

Break his heart again this time,
and I'll kill you.

Nothing personal.

You are very protective of him, Randal.
You always have been.

Territoriality, he was mine first.

Oh, that was so cute.

-Who eats cock?
-A bunch of savages in this town.

Hey, Caitlin's in the back.

Check on her,
she's been back there a long time.

-There are no lights back there.
-I told her that.

She said she didn't need any.

Why don't you go join her?
Make a little bathroom bam-bam.

I love your sexy talk.
It's so kindergarten.

-Poo-poo, wee-wee.
-Fuck you.

-How did you get here so fast?
-I left like an hour ago.

Do you always talk this weird
after you violate a woman?

Maybe the Asian design major
slipped her some opium.

Could be.

-It has never been like that before.
-Like what?

When you just lay perfectly still
and let me do everything.

-Am I missing something here?
-Okay.

I went back there,
and Dante was already waiting for me.

He was?

It was so cool. He didn't say a word.

He didn't have to.

He was just ready, you know?

And, like, we didn't kiss
or talk or anything.

He just sat there
and let me do all the work.

You dog.
I didn't even see you go back there.

And the fact that there weren't
any lights on made it so. . .

God, that was so great.

My legs are still shaking.

It wasn't me.

Yeah, right. Who was it then, Randal?

-Was it you?
-No, I was up here the whole time.

-You two better quit it.
-I'm serious.

Oh, so we didn't just have sex
in the bathroom?

No.

Stop it, this isn't funny.

I'm not fooling around.
I just came in from outside.

-This isn't fucking funny, Dante.
-I'm not kidding.

-Who went back there?
-Nobody, I swear.

I feel nauseous.

Are you sure
there was someone there?

Well, I didn't just fuck myself.
Jesus Christ.

God, I'm gonna be sick.

-You just fucked a total stranger?
-Shut the fuck up.

-Call the police.
-No, don't.

There's a stranger in our bathroom
and he just raped Caitlin.

-She said she did all the work.
-Would you shut the fuck up?

Who the fuck is in our bathroom?

-Who is he?
-I don't know.

He just came in
and asked to use the bathroom.

-What time was this?
-I don't know.

-What time did hockey end?
-Like 3:00, 3:30.

And what time did we get back
from the funeral?

-4:00, I think.
-Wait, who was working here?

Just me.

I thought you said you went
to play hockey and went to a funeral.

Yeah, we did.

Well, then
who was operating the store?

-Nobody, it was closed.
-With this guy locked in here?

Well, everything happened so quickly,
I guess I forgot he was back there.

-Can we take it now?
-Go ahead.

Was he alive when Caitlin. . .

No, I place the time of death
at about 3:20.

Then how could she, you know?

The body can maintain an erection
after expiration.

Sometimes for hours.

Did he have the magazine
when he came in?

No, I gave it to him.

He asked me for it.

I can't say
until we get him back to the lab,

but my guess is he was masturbating,
his heart seized and he died.

That's when the girl found him.

Something smells like shoe polish.

This has gotta be the weirdest thing
you've ever been called in on.

Actually, I once had to tag a kid
that broke his neck

trying to put his mouth on his penis.

What about Caitlin?

Shock trauma, she's gonna need
years of therapy after this.

My question is, how did she come
to have sex with the dead man?

She thought it was me.

What kind of convenience store
do you run here?

Salsa shark.

We're gonna need a bigger boat.

Man goes into cage,
cage goes into salsa,

shark's in the salsa, our shark.

Oh, what? What's with you, man?

You haven't said anything
for like 20 minutes.

What the hell's your problem?

-This life.
-This life?

Why do I have this life?

Have some chips, you'll feel better.

I'm stuck in this pit,
working for less than slave wages,

working on my day off,
the goddamn steel shutters are closed,

I deal with every backward-ass fuck
on the planet, I smell like shoe polish,

my ex-girlfriend is catatonic
after fucking a dead guy,

and my present girlfriend
has sucked 36 dicks.

Thirty-seven.

My life is in the shitter right now
and if you don't mind,

I'd like to stew a bit.

-You open?
-Yeah.

That's all bullshit, man.

You know what
the real problem here is?

I was born.

-You should shit or get off the pot.
-I should shit or get off the pot.

-You should shit or get off the pot.
-What the hell are you talking about?

I'm talking about this inability
to improve your station in life.

-Fuck you.
-It's true, man.

You sit there and blame life
for dealing you a cruddy hand,

never once accepting the responsibility
for the way your situation is.

What responsibility?

All right,
if you hate this job and the people,

and the fact that you have to come in
on your day off, why don't you quit?

-Well, like it's that easy.
-It is, you just up and quit.

There's other jobs.
They pay better money.

You're bound to be qualified
for at least one of them.

-So, what's stopping you?
-Leave me alone.

Oh, you're comfortable, right?

This is a life of convenience for you.
Any attempt to change it

would shatter the pathetic microcosm
you've fashioned for yourself.

Like your life's any better?

Hey, I'm satisfied
with my situation for now.

You don't hear me complaining.

You, on the other hand,
have been bitching all day.

Why don't you go back
to the video store?

-It's the same with Veronica.
-Leave her out of this.

You date Veronica
because it's convenient,

and she's low maintenance.

But meanwhile, all you ever do
is talk about Caitlin.

You carry a torch for a girl
you dated in high school.

In high school, for God's sake.
You're 22.

Leave me alone.

If you want Caitlin, then talk to Veronica
and be with Caitlin.

If you want Veronica,
then be with Veronica.

But don't pine for one
and fuck the other.

-If you weren't such a fucking coward. . .
-If I wasn't such a fucking coward.

It must be so great to have this ability
to simplify things the way you do.

-Am I right or what?
-You're wrong.

Things happened today, all right?

Things that probably
ruined my chances with Caitlin.

Oh, what? The dead guy?

She'll get over fucking a dead guy.

Shit, my mom's been
fucking a dead guy for 30 years.

I call him "Dad."

Caitlin and I can't be together.
It's impossible.

Melodrama coming from you

seems about as natural
as an oral bowel movement.

What do you want me to say,

some of the things
you're saying are true?

That's the way things are,
they're not gonna change.

-Make them change.
-I can't, all right?

Jesus, will you leave me alone?

I can't make changes in my life
like that.

If I could, I would.

But I don't have the ability
to risk the comfortable situations

on the big money
and the fabulous prizes.

Who you kidding? You can so.

Jesus H . Christ, I can't.

You're gonna sit there
and be miserable,

because you don't have the guts
to face change?

My mother told me once
that when I was 3 years old,

my potty lid was closed.

And instead of me lifting it,
I shit my pants.

Lovely story.

The point is I'm not the type of person
who disrupts things

just so I can shit comfortably.

Noich, noich, noich
Smoking weed, smoking weed

Doing coke, drinking beers

Pack of wraps, my good man.

Time to kick back, drink some beers,
and smoke some weed.

-Done poisoning the youth for today?
-Hell yes, whatever that means.

Now it's time to head over to Atlantic,

drink some beers, get ripped,
and hopefully get laid.

-One seventy-nine.
-Pay the good man.

-Yeah, you close soon?
-In half an hour.

We get off the same time every day.
We should hang out.

-You get high?
-I should start.

Wanna come to this party
with me tonight?

There's gonna be
some pussy there, man.

With you? I don't think so.

Oh, look at you.
"I don't hang out with drug dealers."

Nothing personal.

-What happened with that old guy?
-He died in the bathroom.

Well, I heard he was jerking off
or something.

I don't know, I wasn't watching.

He probably saw that Caitlin chick.
I felt like beating it when I saw her.

Come here, bitch. You like this, huh?

-Is this what you want?
-Knock it off.

-That used to be my girlfriend, all right?
-You used to go out with her?

Yeah, well, I thought
we might be starting again.

-Don't you already have a girlfriend?
-Yeah, Veronica.

And what, you're gonna dump her
for that Caitlin chick?

Maybe.

I don't know, dude.
That Caitlin chick's nice.

But I see that Veronica girl
doing shit for you all the time.

I saw her rubbing your back,
fucking comes and brings your food.

Didn't I see her change your tire once?

Hey, hey, I jacked up the car.

All she did was unloosen the nuts
and put the tire on.

-I don't know, she does a lot for you.
-She's my girlfriend.

I had some girlfriends too,

but all they wanted from me
was weed and shit.

Shit, my grandma used to say,

"What's better, fucking,
a good plate with nothing on it. . ."

No, wait. I fucked up.

"What's a good plate
with nothing on it?"

-Meaning?
-I don't know, she was senile and shit.

She used to fucking piss herself
all the time

and shit herself.

Come on, Silent Bob. Let's get
the fuck out of this fucking gyp-joint

with this fucking faggot, Dante.
You cock-smoker.

There's a million
fine-looking women in the world,

but they don't all bring you
lasagna at work.

Most of them just cheat on you.

Come on, limp dick.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.

He's right.

I love her.

So that's it.

He doesn't love you anymore.
He loves Caitlin.

-And he told you all of this?
-Pretty much.

All except
the latent homosexuality part,

that's just my theory.

-I don't know what to say.
-Well, don't hold it against him.

I mean, he just never
got Caitlin out of his system.

It's not your fault. It's Dante.

Look, I don't know thing one
about chicks,

so if you gotta cry or something,
I can get out of here.

-I'm not sad.
-You're not?

What did you do that for?

If you didn't wanna go out with me,
why didn't you say so?

Instead, you pussyfoot around
and see that slut behind my back.

-What are you talking about?
-You've been talking to her.

-It was only a few times.
-And then you pull that shit.

Freaking out because
I've gone down on a couple guys.

Oh, a couple?

I'm not the one
trying to patch things up with my ex,

sneaking behind your back.

If you think that 37 dicks are a lot,
then you just wait.

I'll put the hookers
in Times Square to shame

with all the guys I go down on now.

-Will you let me explain.
-Explain what?

How you've been waiting
and were going to dump me for her?

-It isn't like that.
-Damn right it isn't like that.

Because I won't let it be like that.
You want your slut?

-Fine, the slut is yours.
-I don't want Caitlin.

You don't know what you want,

but I'm not going to sit here
holding your hand anymore

until you figure it out.
I've tried with you, Dante.

I've encouraged you
to get out of this fucking dump

and go back to school, to take charge
of your life and find direction.

I even transferred
so you would be more inclined

to go back to college if I was with you.

Everyone said it was a stupid move,
but I didn't care because I loved you

and wanted to see you pull yourself

out of this senseless funk
that you've been in

since that whore dumped you
so many years ago.

And now you wanna go back to her
so she can fuck you over some more?

-I don't wanna go. . .
-Of course not, not now.

Now you're trying to snake out
of doing what you wanted to do.

Well, I won't let you.
I want you to follow through,

so you can find out
what an idiot you are.

And when she dumps you again,
and I promise you that she will.

When she dumps you again,
I want to laugh at you.

Just so you realize that that was
what you gave up our relationship for.

I'm just glad that Randal
had the balls to tell me.

Randal?

Having him tell me, that was
the weakest move. You're spineless.

-Veronica, I love you.
-Fuck you.

Dante?

How's your eye?

The swelling's not that bad,
but the FDS stings.

-How's your neck?
-It's kind of hard to swallow.

You didn't have to choke me,
you know.

Why did you tell Veronica

that I was gonna dump her
to go back with Caitlin?

-I thought I was doing you a favor.
-Jesus.

You were always saying
how you can't initiate change yourself.

-I thought I'd give you a hand.
-Thanks.

You still didn't have to choke me.

Oh, please.
I'm surprised I didn't kill you.

-Why do you say that?
-Why do I say that? Randal. . .

-Forget it.
-No, really.

-What did I do that was so wrong?
-What don't you do?

Sometimes I think the reason you come
to work is to make my life miserable.

How do you figure?

-What time did you get to work today?
-Like 1 0:00 or 1 0 after.

You were over half an hour late.
Then all you do is come in here.

Yeah, to talk to you.

Which means the video store
is ostensibly closed.

Oh, it's not like I'm miles away.

Unless you're out renting
at other video stores.

Hermaphrodites.
I rented it so we could watch it together.

You get me slapped with a fine,

you argue with the customers
and I have to patch everything up.

You get us thrown out of a funeral
by violating a corpse.

And to top it all off,
you ruin my relationship.

I mean, what's your encore?

Do you, like, anally rape my mother
while pouring sugar in my gas tank?

You know what the real tragedy
about all this is?

I'm not even supposed
to be here today.

Oh, fuck you.

Fuck you, pal.

Jesus, there you go
trying to pass the buck.

I'm the source of all your misery.

Who closed the store to play hockey?
Who closed the store to go to a wake?

Who tried to win back his ex-girlfriend

without even discussing
how he felt with his present one?

You wanna blame somebody,
blame yourself.

"I'm not even supposed to be here
today." You sound like an asshole.

Jesus, nobody twisted your arm
to be here.

You're here of your own volition.

You think the weight of the world
rests on your shoulders,

like this place would fall apart
if Dante wasn't here.

Jesus, you overcompensate for having
what's basically a monkey's job.

You push fucking buttons.

Anybody can waltz in here
and do our jobs.

You're so obsessed with making it
seem so much more epic,

so much more important
than it really is.

Christ, you work
in a convenience store, Dante.

And badly, I might add.

I work in a shitty video store.
Badly, as well.

That guy Jay's got it right, man.

He has no delusions
about what he does.

Us, we like to make ourselves
seem so much more important

than the people that come in here
to buy a paper,

or God forbid, cigarettes.

We look down on them,
as if we're so advanced.

Well, if we're so fucking advanced,
then what are we doing working here?

Hey, the floor looks pretty clean.
I whipped the cat next door.

Need a ride home?

No, got one. Just pulled up.

You working tomorrow?

-Same time. What about you?
-I'm calling out.

Going to the hospital and visit Caitlin.

And then I'm gonna
try to talk to Veronica.

You wanna grab a bite to eat
or something

when you're done with that
and I get off work?

I'll give you a call. Let you know.

All right.

Hey, good luck with Veronica.

-If you want, I can talk to her. . .
-No, thanks.

I think I can handle it.

We have a lot of shit to talk about.

-Hell of a day.
-To say the least.

Want me to do anything
before I get out of here, man?

-Why don't you wrangle for me?
-No.

-Come on, just wrangle out the door.
-No.

-Come on.
-No, no, no.

Here comes Randal
He's a berserker

You're closed.

Smoking weed, smoking weed

Noich, noich, noich
Smoking weed, smoking weed