Christmas on the Farm (2021) - full transcript

(JOYOUS ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

(PHONE RINGS)

(SIREN WAILS, HORN HONKS)

(PHONE CONTINUES RINGING)

WOMAN: Emmy,
it's your agent Leslie.

Just checking how things are
going with those new book ideas.

I know, you're going
through... things right now,

but maybe getting back
to writing will help.

Anyway, stop ignoring.

Oh!

Say hi to your cousin for me.



(DRIVER GROANS)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(AMERICAN ACCENT)
Uh, JFK International, please.

- So, where are you headed?
- Oh, uh... Australia.

Watch out for them drop bears.

(IMITATES AUSSIE ACCENT)
Australia!

Where the hell are ya?

I saw a crocodile this big!

I'm sorry, sir...

Do you mind if we just don't...

(ORCHESTRAL MUSIC CONTINUES)

(CACOPHONY OF ANIMAL SOUNDS)

(SILENCE)

(COCKATOO CAWS)



The prodigy returns.

Hey...

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(BIRDSONG)

(WOMAN LAUGHS) Emmy!
Put the camera down!

Oh, what do you think?
Isn't it wonderful?

(LAUGHS)

This is not
a traditional memorial service.

This is a celebration of life.

My mother and namesake,

Clementine Jones,

was a force of nature.

Six months after my dad died,

she moved us here.

She'd... she'd only ever grown
herbs in a window box

and... and then
she bought this farm

and it was rundown
and ramshackle

and, uh, and she moved us here

to start over and, boy, did we.

(SIGHS)

Mom, we will...

..all miss you.

To Mom!

- To Aunt Clem.
- To Clementine.

(SHEEP BLEATS, ROOSTER CROWS)

EMMY: I've missed you guys,
you know.

DAVID: Hmm.

I will tell you
that if I see a snake,

I'm gonna have to get
the hell out of here, though.

OK.

- Snake!
- No!

- (CHUCKLES)
- Watch out!

(EMMY SCREAMS) Stop it!

- (MEN LAUGH)
- I've had a long day.

That's horrible.

- Give me the champagne.
- Oh.

- EMMY: I've got heels on.
- I got you, I got you.

(MEN LAUGH)

EMMY: Ooh, it's getting dark.
Are you drinking my champagne?

- (MILES GRUNTS)
- Yeah, you know...

- MILES: Hey, don't backwash.
- DAVID: I don't mind it.

(EMMY SIGHS)

(EXHALES DEEPLY)

(WHISPERS) Spider.

(SHOUTS) Spider!

Ohhh! Oh! Oh! Ohh.

(BIRDS CALL OUT)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

(CLUCKS)

No.

N-n-n-no. No.

(CROWS)

Why is the rooster
in my bedroom?!

(SCREAMS)

Your mum started keeping him
inside at night

so he wouldn't crow.

(DOOR OPENS)

Works like a charm!

- Ugh!
- (CLUCKS)

- (CHUCKLES)
- I know, right?

(SIPS FROM CUP)

(COW LOWS)

(DOOR OPENS)

- Hey.
- Hey.

Oh, you found
Clementine's journals.

(LAUGHS) Yeah.

Some of the ideas in here
are just...

Ahh, Clem was a wellness pioneer
before that was even a thing.

Herbal remedies.

Animal therapies.

And, uh, naked moonlight dips
in a lake filled with yabbies.

(LAUGHS)

I had no idea how wild she was,
you know?

She actually swore
that could cure anything.

(DAVID SIGHS)

- I know you hate the farm.
- Oh, no, no.

- I don't hate the farm.
- (LAUGHS)

Oh, you have always hated...

- I... No, no.
- ..hated...

I hate parts of the farm.

You know, I'm just... I'm...

I'm not a farmy person, which
is why I moved to New York.

You know, it's not my...

Hmm.

Have you ever noticed
everything around here

is trying to actually kill me?

Um... that's in your head.

No, that... that is a fact.

Hmm.

I just hope somehow
we can hold on to the place.

How bad is it?

Your mum took out so many loans
and she hadn't paid them off.

She was a genius when it came
to a lot of things at Fig Tree,

but when it came to
finances, she's...

Stubborn.

Like a mule.

(CHIMES PLAY ON P.A.)

P.A.: Attention, passengers,
flight QL12 to New York

is now boarding at Gate 3.

LESLIE: Ah, you're killing me.

Em, I need those pages.
You promised.

EMMY: Listen, I promise you
you will have a book

as soon as I land, OK?

Stop getting so wrapped up
in your head.

It doesn't matter
what your book is about.

You need to get your name
out there again

because I can't do my job
if you don't do yours!

(GROANS) Listen to me, Leslie.
I will get you...

(GROANS) ..the pages
within 48 hours, OK?

48 hours. Just give me 48 hours
and you will have a book.

OK? I promise. Excuse me.

You'd better not be drinking
again on this flight.

No. No drinking.

I'm drinking!

Book. Write it. 'Bye.

I'll call you later.

'Bye.

'Bye.

(TYPES ON KEYBOARD)

(INHALES)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

CLEMENTINE: Emmy?

Come on.

(LAUGHS) See ya, Brissie!

- Wouldn't wanna be ya!
- (LAUGHS)

We'll grow our vegetables
in the soil right here

and we'll get our eggs
from the chickens in there.

And our milk from the cows.

YOUNG EMMY:
But there's nothing out here.

You wanna know what I see?

Possibilities.

Possibilities.

(SIREN WAILS)

♪ You all know you ain't
doing nothing with this

♪ Let's get it! Come on

♪ Go

♪ I'm making plays
Never leave the game

♪ Only do it for the love
I don't need the fame

♪ I'm making plays
Always keep the faith

♪ Yeah, we out for the dub
I'mma lead the way... ♪

WOMAN: Welcome to
London & London.

♪ Making plays, making plays
I'm the man, uh

♪ I'm making plays
Never leave the game

♪ Only do it for the love
I don't need the fame

♪ I'm making plays
Always keep the faith

♪ Yeah, we out for the dub
I'mma lead the way

- ♪ I'm making plays... ♪
- WOMAN: Oh, excuse me.

Just one second.

On the phone to Grisham.
Give me five minutes.

Yeah, 'cause you know
what he's like. (BABBLES)

♪ While you fade away

♪ I'm making plays
Never leave the game

♪ Only do it for the love
I don't need the fame

♪ I'm making plays
Always keep the faith

♪ Yeah, we out for the dub
I'mma lead the way... ♪

(DOOR SLAMS)

Oh. Hmm. Hey.

Hope I'm not
interrupting anything.

Not at all. Come in.

You look like roadkill.

I feel great!

Jackson!

Mother...

Our sales are sliding past
the point I consider acceptable.

Hmm. Which reflects badly...

BOTH: Badly on our stockholders.

Yeah.

London & London
needs new material.

Hmm. Yeah. We do, don't we?
(SMACKS LIPS)

(CLICKS TONGUE) I got it.

Why don't we get
all these people out there

that we pay all the money to

to do their job
and find us a great novel?

Because I pay you a lot more,
for some reason.

- And since I appreciate it...
- You do.

..if you occasionally
did something

that warranted me giving you
this office...

You mean the closet with a view?

..I'd like you to go find
the new material.

Oh, you're serious. (LAUGHS)

Uh, yeah.

Sure.

Uh... I do have,

uh, a 2pm at Momofuku.

Very important lunch.

But as soon as that's done,

Janet and I will get
straight on that.

Was there anything else?

- (BEEP!)
- Janet.

Cancel Jackson's 2 o'clock.

He has reading to do.

- JANET: Yes, Ms London.
- (CHUCKLES)

Yeah. Disregard, Janet.
That was a joke. (LAUGHS)

- (BEEP!)
- Janet... (CHUCKLES)

- ..it's no joke.
- Yes, Ms London.

That was just mean, Ellison.

It's time to grow up.

(PHONES RING OUTSIDE)

- (DOOR CLOSES)
- Hmm.

- (BEEP!)
- Don't cancel...

Nothing. All good.

- (SOFT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)
- (SIREN WAILS)

I gotta... I gotta get out of
here. That's what I gotta do.

You want to get a pizza
or something?

Open up your phone and just...

- ..swipe right.
- (APP CHIMES)

Hello, Daniel.

(FUNKY MUSIC PLAYS)

EMMY: What's good in here? Hoo!

You sound like a lady
on a mission.

I do? Well, you don't
seem like Daniel.

- I'm not Daniel.
- No.

- Blind date?
- No! Not a blind date. (LAUGHS)

I-I-I swiped right.
Do you mind...

- Oh. (MUTTERS)
- Just a little Dutch courage.

- (LAUGHS)
- Mm-hm.

Uh-huh.

You are on a mission.

- Agh! Oh!
- OK.

What... is that?

- Boulevardier, mademoiselle.
- Mmm.

Wow. Did you get that out of an
'Esquire' article or something?

- Yeah.
- What?

- I actually did.
- Oh, wow.

- That seems so... Yeah.
- Yeah.

- ..worth the hangover.
- Yeah.

Doesn't even matter
because my mother,

she had this, um,
hangover remedy -

apple cider vinegar and milk.

And you know what?
Cures a hangover like... (SNAPS)

- One, two, three. Go! Shoot!
- (FUNKY MUSIC)

- One, two, three, shoot.
- Uh-huh.

Mmm! Mmm. Mmm.

♪ You got me like,
hey, uh-uh... ♪

Ugh!

- Next one, go!
- Again?

Oh, my God.

♪ Uh-uh, come on... ♪

- I feel good...
- ..this drunk.

- Oooh!
- ♪ You got me like, hey... ♪

(JACK MUTTERS)

- EMMY: Oh, my God!
- I don't dance.

- I love this song.
- I really don't dance.

- No, no, no, no.
- Whoo!

('BLUE (DA DA BEE)'
BY EIFFEL 65 PLAYS)

Back it up. Back it up.
Back it up.

- Oh, wow. Yeah.
- Yeah!

(ALL LAUGH)

JACK: How could he not love you?

♪ I'm blue
Da ba dee da ba di

♪ Da ba dee da ba di... ♪

WOMAN: Where are her shoes?

- OK, yep. Uh-huh. Yep.
- Yay. Yep! Spin. Whoo!

- Alright, here we go.
- Can't believe...

Ching-ching!

- Oh.
- Mmm! Mm.

- What?
- (GROANS)

(LAUGHS)

What is that?

- (LAUGHS)
- (EXHALES) It's ridiculous.

I can't believe
you got me so drunk.

- Do you hold your pinkie out?
- I do, I do. (LAUGHS)

That's Daniel, my swipe right.

Oh, God! Oh, God.
He's really short.

And also he's an hour late.
Two hours later.

- Maybe three hours late!
- You swiped right on that?

EMMY: He's looking over here!
Hide me! Hide me!

- JACK: Hide!
- Hide.

- EMMY: Ooh! Oh!
- Mmm.

EMMY: Mmm.

('WAITING HERE FOR YOU' BY
BENEDICT LAMDIN & RIAAN VOSLOO)

- OK.
- Hello. (LAUGHS)

- EMMY: Oh, my God.
- (JACK LAUGHS)

- EMMY: That view!
- Terrible, huh?

- Oh... wow.
- Terrible view.

Yeah, that... Mmm.

(ELECTRONIC MUSIC PLAYS)

(EMMY MOANS)

- Whoa!
- (JACK LAUGHS)

Did you just turn on music

and change the lighting
with your watch?

Yeah.

- (LAUGHS)
- (LAUGHS) What?

- No, you didn't. You did?
- Too much?

(EMMY LAUGHS)
No, it's just that...

Does that usually work
with all the, um, ladies

you bring back to this
perfectly curated apartment?

- I haven't had many complaints.
- Wow.

Well, probably not with that
sexy Sean Connery accent.

(IMITATES SEAN CONNERY)
Oh, nobody had a sexy accent

like Sean Connery.

- That's good.
- Miss Moneypenny.

- (LAUGHS)
- Anyway, he's from Edinburgh.

I'm from Carnoustie.

- From where?
- Carnoustie.

- Say it again.
- Carnoustie.

- Say it again...
- Carnoustie.

- (LAUGHS)
- (JACK LAUGHS)

JACK: Mmm. Mmm.

You got any bedrooms
in this joint?

- Several.
- Let's go.

(HORNS HONK OUTSIDE)

(EMMY SCREAMS)

(RELAXED MUSIC)

Yes! He has milk.

(STAMPS FOOT)

Ooh! Hi, babe.
Your timing's great.

I just finished the book
and now I'm starving.

(SIGHS) It's cold out there.

LESLIE: Don't take this
personally.

All I got was rejection letters

from the publishing houses
that even bothered to reply.

It's just not compelling enough
in today's world.

No, no. How is that possible?

My guess is that it's... dated.

I mean, it needs
to take place now!

- No.
- Yes.

People want a guru,
someone they can...

..they can emulate
in these weird times.

A dead lady can't write a sequel
or do a spin-off cookbook

or make TikToks
or go on Instagram Live.

I don't want to go on Instagram
or make TikToks.

I don't want to be
an influencer.

- Yes! You... do.
- I just want...

A brand.

If you really want to
make this work,

you need to write this book
in the first person.

- What?
- You become your mother.

It's a slam dunk.

No, no... Uh, but... It's...

(LAUGHS) I'm so sorry.
Let me just... get this straight.

You want me to take
my dead mother's memoir

and write it as my own?

That I'm living
in the present day?

Yes!

And then the little girl in
the book who was me as a child

becomes my pretend daughter?

- Precisely.
- OK. Alright.

Yeah, just, uh, hang on.

Do you want to spend
the rest of your life

wondering who
you could have been

or do you want to get
this book published

and save
the Emu Fig Creek Farm Springs?

It's Fig Tree Farm
in Emu Springs.

And, yes, I want to save it!

Do you guys still take Groupon?

- They never took Groupon.
- It's 50% off.

(WHISPERS) Don't listen to her.

(TRAFFIC NOISES)

(QUIRKY MUSIC)

Alright.

If only it were true.

(PHONE RINGS)

(DOOR OPENS)

JACK: Brrr!

(JACK CLICKS TONGUE)

Hmm.

- Ah!
- Hello, Janet.

Got my homework?

I think your mother
is trying to make a point.

- Ohhh... you're joking.
- (LAUGHS HEARTILY)

What's this manuscript here
everyone's reading?

'Clementine'.
I put it on the top for you.

- Oh, you're a wee gem, Janet.
- (CHUCKLES)

- A wee gem!
- (CHUCKLES)

- As you were.
- Thank you.

See you, Rachel.

Jim Bob. (MAKES POPPING NOISE)

YOUNG EMMY: Why are they
acting so weird?

CLEMENTINE: Crazy dancing
is how hens and roosters

know they love each other.

Yuck!

If that's love,
I hope I never catch it.

CLEMENTINE: I promise one day
you'll change your mind on that.

- (BELL RINGS)
- Ho, ho, ho! Merry Christmas!

- (COINS CLINK)
- Merry Christmas.

YOUNG EMMY: Here's
some words of wisdom

from Clementine on the farm.

I don't want to be on camera.

YOUNG EMMY: You have to talk.

I'm recording.

- What do you want me to say?
- Anything. Just talk.

Well...

..here we are one year into
our Fig Tree adventure

and I have lots of updates
for you.

(GROANS)

Perhaps you want to see our
very, very delicious vegetables

picked fresh from the garden.

Because you know what I say
about good food.

(BEEP!)

Good food made great...

(SIGHS)

..turns any frown...

CLEMENTINE AND YOUNG EMMY:
..upside down!

(MOBILE BUZZES)

Hello?

I have London & London
on the line.

They want your
'Clementine' book!

- And they want it bad, babes.
- What?

My pitch was note-perfect -
they even believed me

when I said we were still
fielding offers.

Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait. What... what is the offer?

Well, they started at 250,000.

A quarter of a million dollars!

Let's take it! Take it, Leslie.

Are you crazy?
You never take the first offer.

- Let me do my thing.
- No, no, no, no, no!

I'm putting you on hold.

- No!
- Are you still there?

- Still here.
- So, I just talked to my client.

And... she wants more money.

250 grand is very, very generous
for a first-time author.

LESLIE: Are you kidding me?

This isn't some vampire
stiletto airport trash.

We're all on the same page
there. Uh...

What's your counter?
I need a number.

2 million.

(LAUGHS) OK. You're not serious.

Oh! Hello?
- (PHONE DROPS)

- We can go to, um, 500,000.
- No, no! No, no, no!

Oh!

Tell me what other publishing
houses are interested.

- Maybe we can match them.
- Oh, my God.

No. No, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No, no, no! Not now!

Listen, London & London
are very...

Hello?

..very serious about
acquiring the rights

to this book.

I can go to 750,000.

Uh, we are taking other offers,

talking to many
other publishers.

Lots of money. We want...
We want all the money.

Look, listen, all I can pay
maximum is $1 million.

That is a final offer.
It's take it or leave it.

- A million bucks?
- A million dollars?!

- Who's that?
- Take it. We're taking it.

- Wait. So we have a deal?
- BOTH: Deal!

Yes! We have a deal, people!

- (SCREAMS)
- (SQUEALS)

(LAUGHS)

Whoo! We saved the farm.

Ohh!

- (PHONE BUZZES)
- (SIGHS)

(GROANS)

Hmm.

Hello.

- (EMMY SCREAMS)
- What happened?

- EMMY: Deal! Deal!
- (LAUGHS)

I think Emmy sold her book.

- (EMMY SCREAMS AND LAUGHS)
- (BOTH LAUGH)

EMMY: Yes!

- BOTH: Congratulations!
- (ROOSTER CROWS)

BOTH: Shut up, Gregory!

(CLUCKS)

(POP!)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

Babe... I'm... calling.
You don't answer.

Did you... run... here?

- Yes!
- What is going on, Leslie?

Ellison London and her son

are coming to Emu Creek
Farm Springs for Christmas!

What?

Why?

What is going on?

Did I not tell you about

that little line item
in the contract?

Before they close the deal,

London & London
has the right to meet you.

With an invitation to Christmas
in... in Australia?

Two invitations to Christmas
in Australia, actually.

One for you and one for her son.

With you, your husband
and your daughter.

I don't have a husband
or a daughter.

Or a mother. I know. So sad.

Leslie!

They want the full
Emu Farm Springs experience

just like in the book
or the deal goes away.

(THROWS PIZZA CRUST)
Ooh, pickles!

OK, I want you to look me
in the eyes and listen, OK?

I don't do farm.

I can't cook.

I can't even boil an egg.

It's not so bad. You just become
your mother for a few weeks.

Tickle a few cows
with some suits.

Give them
Clem's Country Christmas,

save 'Little House
on the Prairie'

and, boom,
all your dreams come true.

I...

(BRIGHT ORCHESTRAL MUSIC)

It's not funny.

It is kind of funny.

I only have a few days
to find myself a husband,

a daughter
and become my mother, OK?

- MILES: Jump in.
- (DAVID GROANS)

- EMMY: I'm not that heavy!
- No.

(DAVID SIGHS)

EMMY: That's new.

Oh, yes, Miles started
an online art class.

When you tilt your head
to the side,

there's a whole new picture.

Oh!

Ohhh.

Once you see it,
can't unsee it, right?

(MILES CHUCKLES)

- In the... In the living room?
- It's the perfect spot for it.

DAVID: He's a regular Leonardo.

Painted me like
one of his French girls.

(CHUCKLES)

First things first, yeah? OK?

I need a husband. David?

Um... I may as well
be your sister.

Plus he smirks uncontrollably
when he lies.

- You know that annoying smile?
- That's true.

- It's a lovely quality.
- Alright, alright, alright.

You - what do you say?

- I do. I do!
- Yes? Excellent!

No, he doesn't, and he can't.

- Why not?
- Oh! So controlling.

Well, you can't push Miles
back into the closet.

He's already
dealt with his family

and societal expectations.

Two, do you really think
that Miles would be convincing

as your husband
given how extra you can be?

You think I'm too gay
to be straight?

- DAVID: I think...
- What?

I think you've spent years
hiding your light

and now that you've let it out,

that wonderful, bright,
exuberant light,

I'm just not sure that
you have a... dimmer switch.

- I can do this!
- DAVID: Mm-hm.

I can be heteronormative!

- Yes! Yes, you can!
- DAVID: OK.

I can be macho.

I'll be the Hemsworth brother
they never had.

- DAVID: Another one?
- Russell Crowe's country cousin.

I believe in you!

(LAUGHS) My God, you do?
This is gonna be so much fun!

- Tea?
- Thank you, darling.

Fine. Who am I supposed to be?

Uh, you could be
my personal assistant.

- Oh... No.
- Mmm!

- Man here to castrate the goats.
- What?

Uh... I don't know,
travelling salesman.

Really, really, really, really,
really, really, really old

foreign exchange student.

- Thank you.
- MILES: I have an idea.

It is so kooky. It just might
work. We tell the truth.

You say he is your cousin
visiting for Christmas.

- Great. Fine. Works for me.
- Good work.

OK, moving on. Darling daughter.
I need a daughter, I need a kid.

- (INHALES)
- Let's rent one.

I can call a talent agency
in, like, Brisbane or Sydney,

somewhere like that,
and just rent a kid.

I think even stage parents

want their children
around at Christmas.

- MILES: Yeah.
- Ooh. OK. Ohhh.

Uh... I'm... I'm 12 in the book.

- Right?
- Mm-hm.

Tweens hate their parents.
She ran away.

And you didn't notice?

Poor thing, she could be
anywhere by now.

Hmm-hmm-mm-mm.
She's at a sleepover.

- Oh!
- An extended...

An extended Christmas sleepover.

- It will have to do.
- It will have to do.

Now, what are we
gonna do about you?

- Hmm.
- What do you mean about me?

I grew up here. I know my way
around this place. I'm fine.

MILES: It's just, uh,
your clothes and, uh...

- (INHALES SHARPLY)
- Yeah.

- BOTH: Your hair.
- What's wrong with my hair?

No, he's right.
None of this is Clementine.

It's like she needs
some sort of farm

boot camp make-under situation.

- Is that a thing?
- No, it's not a thing.

- It is now.
- No, it's not!

- Let's go shopping!
- No, we're not!

(MILES LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

Fan out, people.

(DAVID INHALES DEEPLY) Hmm.

Hmm. Mmm.

No.

Do I hold one or two?

- Grab it and pull.
- Hang on.

- (COW MOOS)
- (SCREAMS)

- Nothing is coming out.
- No wonder she's still single.

- I heard that!
- (COW LOWS)

MILES: It's a little bit
'House on the Prairie'.

Reminds me of 'Poltergeist'.

I think the mum
wore something like that.

(UPBEAT MUSIC CONTINUES)

Ugh!

(CLICKS)

- Uh-uh.
- No?

Joanna Gaines has got
nothing on you.

Would your mum have approved?

Is it Aunty-Clem-Christmassy
enough?

You know what,
it-it-it-it's great.

I just think you need
less balls, more bush.

You know, think less gaudy,
more... earthy.

- MILES: I am allergic to bush.
- DAVID: You know what?

Right now, I'm less concerned
about your foliage

and more concerned
about your accent.

What's wrong with my accent?

I can still speak Australian
if I need to.

Say "Can I have
a glass of water?"

Can I have a glass of wa-ter?

- Wor-ter.
- Wa-ter.

Wor-ter!

- Wa-ter.
- Wor-ter.

What the hell's
happening to me?

Well, you've been living
overseas for 20 years.

- Footpath.
- Paa-th.

Garage, tuna.

Tyu-na. Tu-na.

BOTH: Chu-na!

- ♪ More, more, more... ♪
- Bleurgh!

('MORE, MORE, MORE' By KRISSIE
KARLSSON AND KARL KARLSSON)

- (DAVID SHOUTS)
- Ow!

♪ I have it, got to have it

♪ More, more, more

♪ I've got to have it
Got to have it

♪ Ooh-oh-oh... ♪

Mmm. That's perfect.

Yes. And up here.

- Ow!
- Sorry.

- Just dunk your head in.
- (SCREAMS)

- There you go. Feels wonderful!
- (SCREAMS)

Beautiful. (LAUGHS)

- ♪ More, more, more... ♪
- It's gonna look fabulous.

- ♪ Got to have it... ♪
- Ooh! Ahhh.

- ♪ Ooh-oh-oh... ♪
- Argh!

Reveal.

BOTH: Whoa.

A good whoa or... or a bad whoa?

Beautiful. Goddess of the earth.

You look just like her.

(PLAYS REPEATED NOTE
ON THE PIANO)

(TRAFFIC NOISES IN THE DISTANCE)

(KNOCK AT DOOR)

(LAUGHS) Avalon.

- What are you doing here?
- I missed you.

Come in.

So you just all of a sudden
missed me?

Well, I realised
how much I missed you...

- (DOOR SHUTS)
- ..when a friend of mine

was at the bar downstairs
the other night

and sent me... this.

JACK: How could
he not love you?

('BLUE (DA DA BEE)'
BY EIFFEL 69 PLAYS)

Who's the
"Blue da-ba-da-di" girl?

First of all, that's creepy.

Second of all, why do you care?

Aren't you with
the tattoo artiste?

He's actually a gui-tar-ist.

- And we're on a break right now.
- Oh.

Oh! Going somewhere fun?
Need a plus one?

Uh... (SIGHS)

I'm going on a work trip to an
Australian farm with Ellison.

A farm? But it's Christmas.

Christmas is for nude beaches
and umbrella drinks.

Yeah, well,
Ellison wants me to take

more interest in the business.

And then when I do,
she doesn't trust me.

So, either way,
I turn out a disappointment.

Jackie. Jackie, Jackie, Jackie.

(SIGHS) I know how much
you hate your job.

- Hmm.
- Ah!

Do you want me to
get you out of it?

- What do you mean?
- I could show up in Australia.

Scoop you up and whisk you off
to Bora Bora, hmm?

We have fun together, don't we?

Mmm. As tempting
as that sounds...

- Hmm.
- ..I have to work.

- Oh.
- Mmm.

Read the book. It's amazing.

The author, Clementine,
she's really fascinating.

Well, you know how much
I love to read books.

Wait. Who's Ellison?

Really?

- I'm so sorry, Ms London.
- Don't apologise.

Just do better.

Ohh.

Mmm!

What is this?

A gingerbread latte.
It's festive.

Do I look like a person
who likes festive lattes?

Who doesn't love Christmas?

The only good thing
about Christmas

is the uptick in book sales.

JACK: Ha! Well, well, well.
You made it, Mother.

This 'Clementine' book is
the first time in a decade

you've cared about anything that
didn't involve craft cocktails

or 4-day weekends -
of course I made it.

Well, you wanted a bestseller,
I'm giving you a bestseller.

- So...
- We'll see.

What end of the plane
do you want?

As you like.

(FOOTSTEPS APPROACH)

(WHISPERS) It's gonna be
a long flight.

(GENTLE MUSIC, BIRDSONG)

(CLUCKING)

(SNIFFS)

(HUMS)

Argh!

(PANTS)

(HUMS)

- Go wake up Emmy!
- Oh!

- (DOOR OPENS)
- (CLUCKS)

- They're here!
- The publishers are early!

- EMMY: What?
- They're here!

DRIVER: They, uh,
don't refer to Australia

as God's country for nothin'.

Oh.

Where is my dress? They were
supposed to here for dinner.

- Ow! Ow.
- Good God! Your hair.

Do you have sparrows
nesting in there?

Oh! I've got to go get changed!

EMMY: I swear to God, Gregory,

you cluck with me this weekend
and you'll be Christmas lunch!

Ow! Could you get the dress?

- Just get the dress.
- Alright. Alright!

Where the hell is my husband?

Just relax. Be calm.
We've got this.

OK, I'm relaxed and calm.

Your accent.

Ah! Relaxed and ca-alm.

- 50% less.
- OK.

OK. Relaxed and ca-alm.

OK.

(AUSSIE ACCENT) Hello!
And welcome to Fig Tree Farm.

Well, you must be our
special guest from America.

- From London & London.
- Ellison London, CEO.

- I-I-I don't do hands.
- Oh!

And this is my associate,
Jackson.

Bit formal. Also her son. Hi.

(DOG BARKS IN THE DISTANCE)

- Oh.
- (JACK CHUCKLES)

(EMMY LAUGHS) It's
a little bit funny, actually,

'cause, uh, it's sort of
a wild story...

This must be
the famous Clementine.

(KOOKABURRA LAUGHS, COW MOOS)

It's so good to meet you.

Yes! Yes, good to meet you too.

I am the famous
Clementine Walker, Sr.

(LAUGHS) It's, um, great
to meet you.

- (JACK CHUCKLES)
- I'm so sorry. Come on in.

- Please.
- Sure.

- Thank you. (LAUGHS)
- Be our guest.

- We've got your bags.
- Thank you.

- Don't worry about it.
- Come through. Come in. Hi.

- JACK: Hi.
- DAVID: Hi.

David, get the bags,
get the bags.

- JACK: G'day.
- Oh, right in here. Go through.

EMMY: Please, just make
yourselves at home.

JACK: Oh, wow!
This is beautiful.

I really can't thank you enough

for accommodating us
at such short notice.

Oh, well, how could I say no?

Everyone in our New York office
is very jealous

we were getting the whole
Fig Tree Farm experience.

Oh!

Your book is literally

all anyone's talking about
at the moment.

It certainly cost us enough.
(LAUGHS)

I wasn't expecting it
to be so warm.

- It is very hot.
- EMMY: Yeah!

That's Australia at Christmas
for you.

Carry a fan,
that's what I say.

JACK: Oh, thank you.

So, have you always had

such an interest
in the farming life?

I... Well... I...

- Yes!
- Yes.

It's always been
in Clementine's blood.

- Mm-hm. Mm-hm.
- This must be the husband.

I'm...

EMMY: Ahh, no. This is
my cousin... cousin David.

- JACK: Oh!
- EMMY: Yes, yes.

ELLISON: Is something wrong
with his face?

He had tooth surgery, uh,
just about a week ago.

- JACK: Oh. (INHALES SHARPLY)
- Last week.

- JACK: Oh, no.
- It's painful.

EMMY: Yes, yes, darling.
You alright?

- JACK: Ouch! Yeah.
- EMMY: Ouch, yes. Very painful.

(BROAD AUSSIE ACCENT)
Sorry, avocados! Ha ha!

I was just taking care of
a few things out back.

G'day, g'day, g'day, g'day!

- (LAUGHS)
- Oh! (CLEARS THROAT)

That's how you do it
in Australia. (LAUGHS)

- Miles Jones.
- Oh, that's quite a grip, Miles.

You working cows all day, you
get a strong handshake. Ha ha!

Oooh! Ooh! Ooh! Ooh!

- Alright. How are you?
- EMMY: Hello, darling.

- (MILES CHUCKLES)
- Hello, hello, hel... Ooh!

- Hello, sweetheart. (CHUCKLES)
- Ohh.

And, uh, we're missing
a daughter, huh?

She's at a sleepover.

Oh.

All... all of Christmas?

It's an extended sleepover with
her very, very best friends.

They don't celebrate Christmas.
They're Jewish.

- Pagans.
- Muslim.

EMMY: Khan-Kaufmans.
Fascinating, uh, family.

Live just a couple of farms
over.

Could I offer anyone
a Fig Tree Fizz?

- DAVID: Oooh!
- JACK: Yeah. Thank you.

Yes!
Yes, it's a delicious cocktail.

Um, cousin... David,
husband... Miles,

why don't you join me
in the kitchen?

JACK: Huh.

Struth!

I wouldn't usually step
into the kitchen

unless it was to crack open
a cold tinnie, eh? Eh?

- (LAUGHS AWKWARDLY)
- (MILES LAUGHS) Yeah.

(MILES CHUCKLES)

(EXHALES)

Something odd about all this.

It's called Christmas.

DAVID: You just had to mention
the Fig Tree Fizz!

I haven't made one of them
in years!

I was trying to save
the situation.

"G'day, avocados"?

Why should you be the only one
who gets to do an accent?

- What voice was that even?
- It was Mick Dundee!

Americans love
'Crocodile Dundee'.

I... I...

On the plus side,
that Jack guy's pretty cute.

No. No. Listen to me.
Listen to me. I've met him.

What?

- In New York.
- DAVID: What?

I've met him.

You 'met him' met him?

- Like 'met him'...
- (MILES GASPS)

- Like you... you...
- ..met him.

- What?!
- Oh, it was a one-night stand.

- It was nothing tawdry.
- Oh, God.

Just two people looking
for some companionship

after drinking their body weight
in Boulevardiers.

That's why he was looking at you
like the world had stopped!

No! He was looking at me
like we'd never even met.

Told you we did
a fabulous job on her hair.

- Oh, my stars.
- DAVID: Maybe... maybe...

- This is really, really bad.
- Maybe it's...

- (BOTTLE POPS)
- ..fate.

MILES: It's a goddamn
Christmas miracle.

EMMY: Hey, are you two
out of your heads?

It's a goddamn
Christmas disaster!

He can never know who I am.

Was. Am.
We are living in a web of lies.

Guys, this is not...

He has got her frazzled.

- I'm not frazzled!
- Ow!

I have got a book to sell
and a farm to save,

and if I don't sell the book,
we don't save the farm.

So get serious about this,
fellas. Get off me!

(EMMY BREATHES HEAVILY)

(EMMY EXHALES HEAVILY)

MILES: Oh, God.

Can you pass me that knife?

That's not a knife.

(METALLIC BLADE SINGS
AS IT'S PULLED OUT)

That's a knife.

- Fig Tree Fizz!
- Oh, great.

OK. Right. Here we go.

Very special concoction
right here.

Won't get it anywhere else
in the world. Here you go.

- Thank you.
- Lovely.

- Love it.
- Yes.

So when do we get to see
the rest of the fabulous farm?

Oh, um...

You ever seen a pregnant cow?

- Oh.
- DAVID: Dolly.

She's due any minute.

You will adore it!

It is all fabulously magical
witnessing the circle of life

through Dolly's heaving belly.

Miles... darling.

Actually, uh... (CHUCKLES)

(BROAD AUSSIE ACCENT) ..I've
got some, uh, fences to fix,

some sheep to shear,
some paddocks to plough

while you blokes have your fun.

- (LAUGHS)
- Ow.

Yes, we're gonna have some...

- 'Bye, darling.
- 'Bye, hon.

Well, I've got my, uh...

I guess it's just
the three of us, then.

(ROOSTER CROWS)

(BIRDSONG)

So... which one's Dolly?

Uh, the pregnant one.

Dolly! Hey, Dolly girl!

Come to Mama.

- Wait. Isn't that a bull?
- Uh...

Wait. Aren't they... both bulls?

No! I think we have stared at
bovine genitalia long enough!

Let's go see the horses. Yes?
Horses!

Oh, go... go ahead. (LAUGHS)

I found half a bar. (CHUCKLES)

EMMY: Oh, don't you
just love that...

Oof! ..horsey smell?

JACK: Hi.

Hey, what's going on?

-Hey, you.
EMMY: Oh, wow. That's amazing.

He doesn't usually let anyone
but my mum... me

get that close... to him.

(CHUCKLES)
What's this big guy's name?

Elton. And this is Kiki.

- Elton and Kiki?
- Yeah!

You know, like Elton John
and Kiki Dee, famous, uh, duet.

No. I don't think so.

- No?
- No. How does it go?

- The duet?
- Yes. Sing a bit.

Oh, you want...
You want me to sing a duet?

Yeah. A bit.

I'm really... (LAUGHS)
..not much of a singer.

- No?
- Um... Uh... Um... OK.

(SINGS) ♪ Don't go
breaking my heart

♪ I couldn't if I tried... ♪

- JACK: Uh-huh. "Don't..."
- I'm sorry.

- Yeah.
- I'm not much of a singer.

And I don't really have
a lot of tune.

"go breaking my heart."

Ha ha!

- "Take the weight off of me."
- Oh, yeah.

I see what you're doing.
You got me.

"Honey, when I knock
on your door..."?

"I gave you my key."

(BOTH LAUGH)

I'm sorry. You... you
just look so familiar.

I... I feel like we've met.

Oh, no! Uh-uh.

'Cause I live here
on a farm and...

..you live in, um, New Nyo...
New York, New York.

Yeah.

Come on!

Come back, please!

Oh!

Oh, good.

A little help!

A deranged child
is trying to kill me.

Hello.

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!
Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Who are you people? What are you
doing on private property?

Do you know this girl?

Uh, yes, of course I know her.

- I don't know you!
- JACK: Ha ha!

- Oh, this is the daughter.
- What?

The one in your book
with the anger issues.

You thought my daughter
had anger issues?

She's written that way, no?

Ah, yes, of course
it's my daughter!

You will not take that tone
with your mummy, young lady!

Now, put that pitchfork down.

These are the guests I told you
were coming for Christmas.

You're not my mother!

Oh! Little Emmy took
a horse kick to the face

a few years back.

She hasn't been the same since.

I'm Violet.

See? Memory is totally shot.

- Oh.
- Quite heartbreaking, actually.

Alright, darling, if you want us
to call you Violet,

we'll call you Violet.

- One more step...
- You're acting crazy, darling.

I'm not the crazy one, lady!
I come here to feed the horses.

(WHISPERS) Listen to me.

Just go along with it and
I'll give you anything you want.

(EMMY LAUGHS FALSELY)

- Like money?
- Yes.

Just go with it, OK? Please.

Oh, Mummy,
I didn't recognise you

on account of that horse kick
to my face a few years back.

- Ohh!
- I want the money in cash.

And I want it in writing.

Well, step-dada Miles
will be so glad

you came back
from your sleepover

and, uh, are spending Christmas
with us after all!

VIOLET: Hey! Stop it.
Hands off.

- EMMY: Go on!
- Quit it!

- Whose devil child is this?
- DAVID: Hi, Violet.

This is Rita Hay's daughter
from two properties down.

- And we pay her to farmhand.
- EMMY: Oh!

Well, your little farmhand

almost blew
our entire operation.

- Operation?
- Yeah.

There some kind of spy thing
going down?

Because I can keep a secret.

EMMY: I need a drink.

Hey, what's with
crazy lady's accent?

- Remember lovely Clementine?
- Yeah.

That's her offspring.

Oh, sad sack New Yorker.

Who called me that?
Who called me that?

Well, whoever it is,
she owes me cash.

EMMY: Yeah!

Because country bumpkin
Wednesday Addams here

now has London & London thinking
she's me... her... my daughter,

who should be called Emmy
and is now named Violet.

You're the one who said it.

Wait a second.

Could we borrow her
for a couple of days?

- VIOLET: Borrow me?
- MILES: Um...

Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah,
yeah, yeah, yeah.

Would your parents mind if you
weren't with them for Christmas,

if you were with us,
would they miss you?

Lady, I'm number four
of nine kids.

No-one would even notice
I'm gone.

- Yes!
- I'll give her parents a call.

EMMY: Great. It's settled then.
Listen.

Sweetie, all you're gonna have
to do is play make-believe.

Pretend that
I'm your Australian mummy

and Miles here
is your step-dada!

- Do you think you can do that?
- Yeah, I can do that.

- Great!
- For $1,000.

You're kidding?

You said you could give me
anything I want.

I can get a lot of things
I want for $1,000.

EMMY: You are a child, right?

Not a lawyer
with a growth deficiency?

I can just go home, you know.

That's fine. You're a little...

500.

- 850.
- 550.

700.

Deal. How old are you, anyway?

- I'm 10 and three quarters.
- Actually, you just turned 12.

Happy birthday. You're getting a
wildly inappropriate cash gift.

Put the hat back on!
You look like Oliver Twist.

One...

..two... three!

(ALL CHEER)

There we go.

Merry Christmas.

- VIOLET: David.
- EMMY: Merry Christmas.

- MILES: Darling.
- Hi.

- (MILES CHUCKLES)
- Dig in, everybody.

(CHATTER)

- MILES: Want some more salmon?
- DAVID: Thank you, darling. Uh!

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

EMMY: Yeah. Lots of chilli,
chilli, chillies in there.

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

EMMY: Brussels sprouts.

DAVID: Who would like
some more tomatoes?

I've grown them all myself.

- MILES: They're lovely.
- DAVID: I absolutely...

It's en... No, no, no.
That... that's quite enough.

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

So, tell me, American friends...

- (CHUCKLES)
- ..do you, um...

..visit the homes
of prospective authors

on the other side
of the planet often

or is this a...
a special occasion?

Just standard business practice.

Oh.

JACK: We love to... to see
all our authors

before we... we publish them.

Oh, I had to see the
Clementine magic for myself.

JACK: Yeah.
Uh, launching a brand is, uh...

..it's a big commitment.

Oh, uh, I'm a... brand now.

Um, yeah, I mean, if everything
goes the way we hope it does,

talking about launches
in every major market,

social media blitz,
the whole kit and caboodle.

Wow! All from... one book.

Maybe even a TV show!
(CHUCKLES)

Oh, my son doesn't champion
titles often,

so his sudden interest
in all things... you... (LAUGHS)

..that's what has me
truly intrigued.

Yeah. Listen, it's a very
special book, Clementine.

Oh, my God,
this is so boring.

- (LAUGHS) Darling! Darling...
- (JACK LAUGHS)

VIOLET: Why don't we talk about
something interesting?

Like global warming
or carbon footprints.

I bet you own a few boats.

(LAUGHS)

- Um... (LAUGHS)
- One.

- And it's a yacht.
- Touché.

Hey, darling,
don't you have homework to do?

It's Christmas Eve Eve.
There is no school.

- Ah, right, no school.
- VIOLET: Oh!

Look! Mistletoe!

EMMY: That's not mistletoe,
darling.

- That's a weed.
- (JACK LAUGHS)

You and step-dada should kiss.

Oh...

- ELLISON: Oh.
- No, we don't have to kiss.

Don't let me stop you. (LAUGHS)
'Tis the season.

MILES: Oh, yeah! Ha ha!

- Get it up ya!
- OK. (LAUGHS)

Go, Rover.

MILES: Hmm! (MOANS PASSIONATELY)

(CHUCKLES)

EMMY: Ohhh!

- (VIOLET CHUCKLES)
- (MILES SIGHS)

- Wasn't that lovely?
- (EMMY CHUCKLES)

You guys are such
the perfect match.

Oh, thank you, darling. Makes us
so happy to hear you say that.

(DAVID CLEARS THROAT)

I'm just going to go and
check on the cheese platters.

- Ohh.
- DAVID: Miles.

- Got it. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

Yes. Go help him, sweetheart.
(SIGHS)

Aren't we feeling
that Christmas spirit now?

(DAVID EXHALES DEEPLY)

- Are you OK?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

- Are you OK?
- Yeah. Yeah!

I just realised, this epiphany,

that we're living
in our favourite movie.

- 'Beaches'?
- No!

'The Birdcage'!

- Oh!
- It's the same!

It's like I'm Robin Williams.

I'm Nathan Lane!

We need an Agador.

Oh! Ohh.

You were very... very masculine
out there. It was good.

- (FAN WHIRRS)
- (SNORING)

(MILES SNORES)

(MILES BREATHES DEEPLY)

(MILES SNORES)

(MILES MAKES GUTTURAL NOISES)

(LAUGHS)

Yeah.

(ARM PLOPS)

(MILES SNORES)

(MAKES GUTTURAL NOISES)

(CRICKETS SING)

(DOOR SHUTS)

(LIGHT MUSIC)

Ohh.

Oh, wow.

- (BRANCH SNAPS)
- Whoa!

- Oh!
- (SCREAMS)

JACK: What are you...? Ugh!

- (EMMY SCREAMS)
- Oi! Why did you just tackle me?

What are you doing here?

What are you doing here?
It's my lake!

I remembered that bit
in your book

where you were talking about
swimming with the yabbies.

I couldn't sleep.

- Oh!
- Are you OK?

Yes. Right. That's what
I'm doing here too.

- I was very hot. Couldn't sleep.
- (LAUGHS)

And I thought I'd take a swim
with the yabbies.

- I do have one question, though.
- Yeah?

What the hell is a yabby?

Oh! Well, uh, a yabby is
like a cousin to the crab,

only its parents
are also cousins,

so you don't really talk
about it, I guess.

Oh. Are they dangerous?

You should work off
the assumption

that everything in Australia
is dangerous.

Sounds fun.

- Ha. Yeah.
- (LAUGHS)

God, that's something your book
really doesn't capture.

- What?
- That sky.

- Look at it. It's amazing.
- Ohh. Yeah.

I forgot how perfect it is
out here at night.

How can you forget?
You get this every single night.

No, I forgot
what it must look like

to someone who's n-never
seen it before.

Yeah, you don't get that
in Manhattan, that's for sure.

Right? Just constant car horns
and the smell of urine!

- Oh, shit! Something bit me!
- Ooh, what? What?!

- Yeah, yeah.
- What do you mean?

- Oh! Oh!
- Oh, where?

- Ah! Ah! Everywhere!
- (SCREAMS)

Grab your crotch!

- Grab your crotch!
- What? Why?

Because once they latch on,
they're impossible to get off.

- What is?
- The yabbies!

(SCREAMS) Shit!

Let's get out! Come on!

- Ow! My neck!
- Which way? Which way? Neck?

EMMY: No, the other way! Go! Go!

- Yeah. Oh.
- (JACK SHUDDERS)

Here. Here. Oh.

You go first. I can support you.

- (EMMY SCREAMS)
- (RIP!)

Oh, my gosh, was that your
hamstring or your pyjamas?

- I don't know. Maybe both.
- (JACK LAUGHS)

- No. I can't...
- I've got an idea.

- (GROANS)
- Don't do it. Don't fall on me.

- Don't fall on me! (SCREAMS)
- (JACK SHOUTS)

- (EMMY SPLUTTERS)
- (JACK LAUGHS)

This is worse than the yabbies.

- EMMY: Oh!
- JACK: Ooh.

OK. Right.

Feeling the breeze?

What?

- Do not look. Just be a gent...
- Alright.

- Please avert your eyes.
- I'm not looking.

I'm married.

(LAUGHS) Not looking.

EMMY: Don't look!

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(NATIVE ANIMAL SOUNDS)

(GREGORY CLUCKS)

(DOOR OPENS)

(CROWS)

What?

Morning, sunshine.

Oh!

Is that a hickey?

- What? No!
- DAVID: From Jack?!

- No. It's a yabby welt.
- In the bathroom?

Why are you asleep
in the bathtub?

Uh... because you failed to
mention my husband's snoring!

- Did I?
- It's my larynx.

That's why I'm good
at yodelling.

Yes, he was gifted
with a wide larynx.

No-one likes your larynx, Miles!

It... it... it...
I need to go back to bed.

- (THUMP!)
- Oh. Oh!

(GREGORY CROWS)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(GROANING)

(GROANING)

Good, good. Got it. That's good.

- (GROANS)
- VIOLET: Careful.

Alright. OK.

How's it lookin'?

Oh! Hey! Yep.

Good and raring
and... and ready to go.

Alright. Let's go. (CLICKS)

(HORSE WHINNIES)

OK. Get here. Get...

This, uh... might surprise you,
but I'm not a very good rider.

I haven't ridden a horse
since I was your age.

- I'm not surprised.
- I need some fast reminders.

OK? Just a few pointers
to get me through.

Say 'yah' a lot
and don't fall off.

- Yah? Yah.
- Yah.

YAH!

- (HORSE GRUNTS)
- I think you're scaring him.

I think you need to help me
push him or something.

- Come on. (CLICKS) Yah!
- I'm not pushing him.

(PHONE BUZZES)

(SIGHS)

- (PHONE BUZZES)
- (SCOFFS)

Nope.

Hey! Come on. (CLICKS)

(KISSES)

MILES: Come on.

Hey. (CLICKS) Go.

(HORSE SNORTS)

(EMMY CLICKS)

Ooh! Come on, horsey.

Horsey, horsey, horsey. (CLICKS)

Whoo!

Ooh-ooh-ooh. Whoo! (LAUGHS)

- Are you OK?
- Oh, yes. I love horseriding.

This is just my, uh,
preferred method of saddle.

You seem to know your way around
a... a horse really well.

Yeah, well, Mum and Dad divorced
when I was young

and they thought
it'd be a great idea

to whisk me off to the most
prestigious boarding school

money can buy.

Oh!

Fit for kings and queens,
you know.

- Well, that's fancy. (CHUCKLES)
- Yeah.

Continue.

Well, as it turns out, um,

co-curricular equestrian is
actually a rather effective

undervalued way
of meeting girls.

- Ha!
- So when life gives you lemons.

You become a charming playboy.

You think I'm charming?

No. I didn't... say you were
charming. I just...

You know you're charming.

Oopsie! Hey, now.

- Oh, wow! Look at the lake.
- Oh, yes! (CLICKS)

Come on, come on. Go!

Yah! Come on.

EMMY: Yah! Come on!

- Come on! Yah! Yah! Yah!
- (HORSE SNORTS)

No, no, no, no. Not too fast.
Alright. Good!

(BIRDSONG)

JACK: God, this place! You can
just really breathe here, huh?

EMMY: So you're not missing
your Starbucks yet?

JACK: Oh, please!

I get my coffee flown in
from Italy every morning.

Oh. Seriously?

Come on.

Ah. Huh! Well, with you...

- (JACK LAUGHS)
- ..I couldn't really ever know.

(JACK CHUCKLES) No, I was
thinking after all this is over,

maybe I'd buy myself
a little farm somewhere

and get out of that city life
for a while.

I mean, New York must be
exciting, though.

Big business, big publishing.

- So...
- Predictable.

- Really?
- Oh, yeah. What's the phrase?

You know, on top
of every mountain

there's just another mountain.

Uh... I don't think
that is actually a phrase.

I think you just made that up.

Maybe. I might have made
that up. (LAUGHS)

I don't know. You're the writer.
I'm just the disappointment.

I'm sure nobody thinks
you're a disappointment.

Uh, yeah.

They do. (CHUCKLES)

It's OK. I definitely
earnt the reputation.

But finding you...

..that's something
very, very good.

Jack...

..there's something
I want to, um, tell you...

(VEHICLE APPROACHES)

..and I think that, um...

..it's important.

(HORN HONKS)

VIOLET: Quick!
Dolly's gone into labour!

What?!

The bovine's
about to blow, love!

Now?!

- The bovine's about to blow.
- OK.

(DOLLY MOOS)

Shh, shh, shh, shh.

(JACK CHUCKLES) Oh.

How is she?

You asked for the full
Fig Tree experience.

- (DOLLY MOOS)
- Uh, Dolly's in pain.

The calf's legs are twisting.

But, um, if we all...

Come here.

..work together, we can get
this part over pretty quickly.

- (HESITANTLY) Mm-hm.
- DAVID: Alright. Jack.

You look like you've seen
a cervix or two in your time.

Would you mind joining me
at the birthing end?

Uh...

(HESITANTLY) Yeah.

Clementine.

- You are our farm girl.
- (DOLLY LOWS)

- Are your hands clean?
- Cleaner than that.

- Put some gloves on.
- Ooh.

DAVID: You're gonna
have to help me pull.

(GAGS) God! There's hot steam!

- OK, we're breaching.
- What?!

Oh, yeah. OK. Here we go.

Come on.
I need you to be hands-in.

- What? Grab?
- DAVID: That's it. Yeah. Grab.

- DAVID: Right. OK, on three.
- We're pulling?

- (DOLLY MOOS)
- Yeah, yeah, OK. Good.

- Yeah. You...
- One, two, three!

PULL!

Oh!

- (SCREAMS)
- (LIQUID SPLASHES)

(JACK CHUCKLES)

DAVID: Oh! Shh. Shh. Shh. Shh.

- JACK: Oh! (CHUCKLES)
- Oh! Oh.

Hello!

- Good girl, good girl.
- (DOLLY MOOS)

JACK: Ohh.

- Wow.
- VIOLET: Oh, my gosh.

- She's so cute.
- Hey. How are you?

- VIOLET: She's so slimy.
- JACK: Yeah.

- (EMMY CHUCKLES)
- VIOLET: Can I name her?

Sure.

- Marilyn Moo-roe.
- (LAUGHS)

(JACK CHUCKLES)

Marilyn Moo-roe! (LAUGHS)

Welcome to Fig Tree Farm,
Marilyn Moo-roe.

(CHATTER)

(JACK AND EMMY LAUGH)

EMMY: That was, um...

- Really special.
- Yeah.

Yeah. It was.

Uh, Clementine, I think
you've got a bit of...

..afterbirth in your hair.

Oh! Oh... Ugh! Oh, God!

No, no.
You still look beautif... Fine.

- Oh, that's so gross!
- You look fine.

- It's gross!
- (HORN HONKS)

So... What the...?

(SULTRY MUSIC)

Feliz Navidad, party people!

(AVALON SQUEALS)

(GIGGLES)

(JACK CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY)

Surprised, my pineapple?

Yeah. What are you doing here?

AVALON: I'm saving you,
like I said I would.

Huh?

Did I mention that I still
have your card number?

There may just be like
a tiny charge for the car

and the trip to Bora Bora.

- The what?
- Hi!

Hello, hello!
I'm Avalon, Jack's girlfriend.

No, uh, not a couple, actually.

You must be the big-time author!

Hi!

Is your farm, like, 'Babe',
the pig, the movie?

Are there pigs?

Uh... I... Yeah... yeah... No.

No, there are no... no... no pigs.

Oh! Bummer.
Well, that's too bad.

You both look so festive
in all that black.

Drinks, anyone? Fig Tree Fizz?

- AVALON: I am so sorry...
- (MOUTHS)

..to intrude, everyone.

It's just that, um,
I really need Jackie's help.

Um... my grandmother is sick,
you see, um...

- Oh.
- (CRYING) Sorry. Sorry.

Um... she, uh... she ran out of
her medication on vacation

in, um, Bora Bora.

Uh, and, uh, I have to go

and I really need, um... really
need Jack to come to Bora Bora

with me.

ELLISON: If your grandmother
needs help,

I'll call my personal physician.

It'll be much faster.

Uh... well, the thing is, um,

Granny is with her, uh,
gentleman friend

and he, uh, is trying
to sell her... her body

on the Bora Bora black market.

Awful.

I'm sorry, I just, um...

Excuse me for a minute.

JACK: Hmm.

- Mmm!
- (CHUCKLES AWKWARDLY) Yeah.

(DOOR CLOSES)

(GENTLE MUSIC)

(MUNCHING NOISES)

Miles thought you'd need it.

Oh, thank you!

I... I do. I need it.

Is this about that
gazillionaire guy?

That's not even a real number.

Did you see her?

Ohhh!

I mean, she's like...

..perfect, like a... like a...

..like a princess
in... Louboutins.

And you're...?

Sitting in a pantry
stress-eating

with cow placenta in my hair,

pretending to be
somebody I'm not.

With a 10 and three quarters
12-year-old.

Lady, I've known you two days,
and on the whole,

I'd say you're a... whole
ice-cream store of crazy.

- OK, this is really not helping.
- But he likes you better anyway.

You think?

D'uh!

Of course he does.
Now, go get yourself cleaned up.

(LAUGHS)

Oh, God!

(BREATHES DEEPLY)

CLEMENTINE: That's the way
it rolls sometimes.

There'll be great days,
there'll be good days,

and there'll be bad, not fun,
downright ghastly days.

But if you stay strong
and never, ever give up,

you'll find a way to make
even the wildest of dreams...

(DOOR CLOSES)

- (SCREEN DOOR CLOSES)
- ..a reality.

(UPLIFTING MUSIC)

♪ Oh... oh

♪ Oh-oh... ♪

- (HORN HONKS)
- Oi, Clem, what's the hold-up?

- I'm here.
- Good.

You're in the back
with Jack and Avon.

- Avalon.
- DAVID: Avon... alon.

- (WHISPERS) She looks hot.
- I know.

(CHATTER)

- So tell me how you guys met.
- Mmm!

Uh, it's, uh... it's not really
a very interesting story.

Stop! It was at Leo's New Year's
Eve party two years ago.

I was working as a brand
ambassador for Egg-Vod.

- Wow.
- Uh... what? What? What?

Oh, cute. Um, it's this
eggnog-flavoured vodka.

You have to act like you
like it, sell people on it.

But you can't let them get
too drunk because if they barf,

then they'll forever associate
with the brand.

- I'm glad I asked.
- JACK: Mmm.

It takes real talent.

EMMY: Mm. Mm.

Anyways, um, how did you
and Clementine meet?

I haven't read your book. Sorry.

- Ahh.
- Ohh! Bloody romantic, mate.

You want to tell
this one, Em... Clem?

- No. I... No.
- No?

True love should be shared.

Long story short, Clemmy was
a reporter from the big smoke.

Mmm!

Then she flew on out to...

..Walkabout Creek.

- EMMY: I guess.
- MILES: You did.

I-I-I-I... I... I did.

And she asked my mate Wally

for a guide to show her around.

- Miles! Darling.
- I... was the guide. (LAUGHS)

- Oh, no, no, no, no. (LAUGHS)
- (KISSES HAND REPEATEDLY)

No-one wants to hear
this boring story.

Yes, we do!

- Oh. Yeah, OK.
- That's...

Yeah, OK. Uh...

Before we knew it,
we were chasing buffaloes

and hunting crocs!

And somehow in all of that,
we fell in love.

We did, and that's about it.
Just fell in love, love, love.

And it was love, love... love.

- MILES: Deep love. Pure love.
- Yes. Mmm.

Pure like my home brew.

You know,
that... that story just...

It sounds so familiar.
(CHUCKLES)

Wait.

Uh... I thought you guys met
in a creek.

(UNCERTAINLY) Yeah...

BOTH: Walkabout Creek.

Yes! Walkabout...
Walkabout Creek.

- VIOLET: Attention.
- Whoa!

- Oh! Ohhh.
- MILES: Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa!

- EMMY: It's our little darling.
- (LAUGHS) That's my girl.

- Oh, that's our girl.
- VIOLET: Attention.

- MILES: Our girl!
- EMMY: Our girl.

The kids of Emu Springs
have a special message

for all you losers.

(EMMY SIGHS, THEN LAUGHS)

(KIDS SING) ♪ Dashing
through the scrub

- ♪ In a rustic 4x4... ♪
- EMMY AND MILES: Ohhh!

- ♪ Daddy's dodging roos... ♪
- Aren't you proud?

♪ While Mum heads to the store

♪ Kids are in the back

♪ Swatting blowies
left and right

♪ It's Christmastime
down under

♪ And the sun is
blooming bright

♪ Hey! Jingle bells,
jingle bells

(OTHERS SING ALONG)
♪ Jingle all the way

♪ There's better times
for a barbecue

♪ Than a scorching
Christmas Day, hey!

♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells

♪ A tinny and your thongs

♪ There's nothing
like a cold one

♪ At the Aussie billabong

♪ Hey! Jingle bells,
jingle bells

♪ With a tinny and your thongs

♪ There's nothing
like a cold one

♪ At the Aussie billabong. ♪

(CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

- That's my daughter!
- EMMY: That's our daughter!

- MILES: Our daughter!
- (CHEERING AND APPLAUSE)

Oh.

Ha! Wow,
that was different. (LAUGHS)

- DRIVER: Merry Christmas!
- EMMY: Oh. Merry Christmas!

JACK: Merry Christmas!

- (JACK CHUCKLES)
- EMMY: Oh!

- Wow.
- Wow.

CLEMENTINE: 'Twas the night
before Christmas

and all through our town...

..no creature was stirring,

not a roo left around.

- LITTLE EMMY: Not even one?
- No.

And as midnight grew closer,

we snuggled into bed.

(LAUGHS)

Ahhh.

As visions of gumnuts
and fairy bread...

- (SOFTLY) Shh! Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

..swirled in our heads.

Then, all of a sudden,
what should arise?

A flash of bright red
soared through the skies!

(MILES LAUGHS)

- Aussie Santa was here...
- (LAUGHS)

..to make things too right.

And as he slipped
down our chimney

in his boardies and tights,

he shouted, "Merry
Aussie Christmas to all!

"And to all a good night."

(KOOKABURRA LAUGHS)

(BIRD CAWS)

(BOTTLE POPS)

- MILES: Whoa!
- AVALON: Whoa!

- EMMY: Merry Christmas!
- JACK: Merry Christmas!

(LAUGHTER)

- AVALON: Thank you.
- (JACK LAUGHS)

- VIOLET: Man alive!
- Look at the size of that fly.

- (FLY BUZZES AWAY)
- ELLISON: Oh!

- So... what do you think?
- (WHISPERS) Good job.

DAVID: I think
you should say something.

- Like a toast?
- Yeah, do a toast.

- Oh.
- (FLY BUZZES)

- OK. Um...
- Come on.

EMMY: OK, alright, alright.
I just, um...

Before we, uh, get stuck into
all this delicious food...

- And wine.
- And wine.

- ..I just wanted to say...
- (FLY BUZZES)

..how grateful we are to have

London & London here

for a very special
Fig Tree Farm Christmas.

Ripper!
- Ripper is right!

- EMMY: Uh...
- (FLY BUZZES)

There really isn't
a traditional Australian,

um, Christmas, pfft, toast -
ooh! - I don't think.

So I'm just gonna make one up,
OK? Um...

Here's to... lunch...

(FLY BUZZES)

..among the gum trees.

So may your jumbucks stay jolly
and, um...

The prawn salad's melting, Clem.

..may all your Christmases
be bright.

DAVID: To Clementine

and the beautiful world that she
created here at Fig Tree Farm.

May it always prosper.

- ELLISON: Merry Christmas.
- VIOLET: Merry Christmas!

Merry Christmas!

- AVALON: Merry Christmas!
- JACK: Merry Christmas.

MILES: Merry Christmas!

EMMY: Whoo!

DAVID: Up your bum.

Up your bum. Phwoar!

Um, why don't we, uh...

Sorry.
..move this inside?

JACK: Yeah. Inside. Inside.

(JOLLY MUSIC AND CHATTER)

- Alright. Got it?
- Yeah. I got it.

(CHATTER)

(CLUCKS)

(BONBON SNAPS)

- Whoa!
- Winner wears the crown, right?

Have you ever ridden a kangaroo
to school?

No.

You look very nice
in all that colour.

JACK: It matches your eyes.

(WHISPERS) You're actually
having fun, Mother!

Why do Australians hate
the word ketchup?

Why do Americans hate
the metric system?

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

AVALON: Do you really
eat Vegemite?

Or is that just a cruel joke
you people play on the world?

You tell me.

Where did you get that?

- (DAVID SPEAKS)
- Oh, sorry.

- You can have it.
- No, you go.

- Mmm! Yum! Yum!
- VIOLET: Have more bread.

- JACK: Oh. Look, you go.
- You can have my strawberry.

There's plenty. May I?

Yes.

- Ooh-ah!
- (GAGS)

(CHATTER CONTINUES)

JACK: Um, can I have this one?

(LAUGHS)

That was absolutely
the worst throw

I've ever seen in my life.

You're the worst catcher.
Try again. Ooh! (LAUGHS)

You're trying to break my teeth.

- EMMY: That was close.
- Another go.

- Oh! (LAUGHS)
- MILES: Anyone need more plonk?

- Plonk?
- Plonk. Alcohol. A drink, love.

Oh! I can't. I'm so tiny.

- I'll be so hungover.
- (EMMY LAUGHS)

Well, we could always use
Clemmy's old hangover cure.

Oh, yeah, vinegar and milk!

That'll stop you from wanting to
drink ever again! (CHUCKLES)

Vinegar and milk?

I met a woman
recently in New York

and that was her remedy
as well.

What a coincidence!

Whoa! You met a woman?

Which woman, Jack?

Hey, why don't we have a game
of Christmas charades?

MILES: Hey!

VIOLET: Um, OK.

- Um, two words. Uh... movie.
- AVALON: OK.

'Now I See You'.

I know, 'cause it's
right there. There.

You're the
"Blue da-ba-da-di" girl.

I know a bad dye job
when I see one.

Maybe the men
don't have the eyes.

But I see.

But I'm not blonde.
(LAUGHS) So...

AVALON: What about poor Miles?

Isn't that your wife
with my boyfriend?

- I'm not your boyfriend!
- AVALON: Oh.

And she's not his wife.

- You two are a couple.
- What?

JACK: Miles, I saw you.
You were grabbing David's ass.

I was actually thinking it was
a weird throuple situation.

- EMMY: Oh, my...
- MILES: How ridiculous.

- Ridiculous!
- I am her hubby.

- Yes, he is.
- Oh, give it away, guys.

Come on.
Who the hell are you, really?

I'm sorry, Jack.

ELLISON: She's the
magical Clementine Jones

and you bid a million dollars
on her book.

JACK: Yeah, I did.
But she's not.

Technically,

I did... I did grow up here
on Fig... Tree Farm,

but... my mum created
all of this, not me,

and... and the books are...
well, from her j... journals.

Mm-hm. I knew your accent
sounded kinda fishy.

Because, like, who the hell
talks like they're on

'Downtown Abbey' when they live
in the frickin' outback?

- It's 'Downton Abbey'.
- And who's this?

Uh...

We borrowed Violet.
She's not really my daughter.

Rented, actually.

Rented her.

I feel sick.

You feel sick?

Samesies.

I'm sorry, Jack.

(LAUGHS) Yeah, you're sorry.
You're sorry.

- As long as you're sorry. Yeah.
- EMMY: Not...

Sorry. Mum, she's sorry.
That's good. Yeah.

(DOOR SHUTS)

EMMY: Jack.

(GENTLE MUSIC)

Hey.

The little girl
from the book, right?

Yeah.

Have you any idea how many
people I have working on you

and this book
and your social engagements?

What do you think's gonna happen
when they find out little Clem

they've fallen in love with in
the book is just a complete...

- A fraud.
- Heh.

Was any of this real?

I suppose that was
no chance encounter

we had in Manhattan either.

All part of your
little plan, hmm?

No, no. That was... (LAUGHS)
..fate, maybe. I don't know.

I could never have known that
you were going to be the guy

who bought the book.

(DOOR OPENS)

I had no idea
until you showed up here.

I don't know what to believe.

It's just like...

Jackson.

Time to go.

EMMY: Oh...

(JACK GROANS)

(CAR ENGINE STARTS)

(JACK GROANS) What is in here?

AVALON: Get in.

(ENGINE REVS)

EMMY: (TEARY) You be good
to your mama, OK?

You only get one.

(KNOCKS)

(GASPS)

Hi.

The fancy people are leaving.

MILES: You're gonna let him
drive outta here?

You can't just give up.

You always find a solution, Em.

He hates me and rightly so.

I messed it all up.
I messed it all up.

No. Come here. Shh.

I know you don't want
to hear this,

but I wouldn't be your best
friend if I didn't say it.

Yeah.

What would Clementine do?

(KISSES)

She'd tell me
to chase my dreams.

Yeah.

That's your answer.

I just miss her so much.

I know.

VIOLET: Ohh.

We all miss her, honey.
Mmm. (KISSES)

Every minute, every day.

Ahh. OK.

Oh, I've got make-up
all over my face.

Do I smell like cow?

- Yeah.
- MILES: Yes.

Thanks, Marilyn.

DAVID: What are we waiting for?

VIOLET: Christmas?

DAVID: Come on.

- (EXCITING MUSIC)
- DAVID: Come on!

- This is crazy!
- MILES: Come on, let's go!

- (ENGINE STARTS)
- Good luck!

(ENGINE REVS)

Whoo!

- EMMY: Come on!
- MILES: OK!

- EMMY: Miles!
- MILES: Yes!

DAVID: Come on!

We're coming for you, Jack!

AVALON: I don't know
about you people,

but I am so ready
for a piña colada

and a beach and a massage.

Oh, you should see the resort.
It's so beautiful.

You're gonna love it.

Ahhhhh!

Oh, my gosh.
This psycho does not stop!

- (EMMY SHOUTS)
- Pull over!

(TYRES SCREECH)

DAVID: Avalon, where'd
you get your licence?

- For Christ's sake!
- EMMY: Jack!

- I'm sorry.
- Have you lost your mind?

I don't know. Maybe.

Oh!

Ellison! Ms London!

Please don't be mad at Jack.
He had nothing to do with this.

My son trusted you.

I don't appreciate
being manipulated,

personally or professionally.

Then you're gonna not appreciate
what I have to say next.

- The truth is...
- JACK: Whoa!

Are they still coming?

You're gonna get
yourself killed!

I'm in love with you!

What?!

Stop the car.

What is wrong with you people?!

- A horse!
- JACK: Whoa! Whoa!

(SCREAMS)

Merry Christmas!

(JACK SCREAMS)

What the hell is wrong with you?
Are you crazy?

You know what, I might be
a fraud, but you're one too!

Not the best start.

You're not
who you pretend to be.

You're not this suave,
lady-chasing playboy

that you pretend to be.

You're more than that.
You do care.

And meeting with you,

it was one of the best surprises
of my... of my life.

And if I let you go,
I will regret it every day.

Every... Christmas
for the rest of my life.

- So just...
- "Don't..."

- Just "Don't..."
- (EMMY SIGHS)

(SIGHS)

"go breaking my heart.

"Oh, honey,
if I get restless..."

(WHISPERS)
Everybody's watching us.

(MOUTHS)

Your speech was actually
pretty good.

Don't leave me hanging here.

"I couldn't if I tried."

(RUNNING FOOTSTEPS)

Are you kidding me right now?
You want this... over this?

- Uh!
- G'day.

OK. I see what's happening.

- Avalon, listen.
- And I get it. Shhh!

Uh! Uh! Uh! Shhh.

- Hey, we...
- We had some great times.

- Didn't we?
- Uh...

Shhh! But I now pronounce you
dumped and single.

You may kiss my ass.

ALL: Oooh!

(AVALON SHOUTS ANGRILY)

We were not a couple.
I can't stress that enough.

- Uh-huh. (LAUGHS)
- (CAR DOOR SHUTS)

Close the door!

- (KICKS DOOR)
- My luggage.

- I'm so sorry.
- (ENGINE STARTS)

- (ENGINE REVS)
- MAN: Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

- (WOMAN SCREAMS)
- MAN: Whoa!

She's like Dua Lipa.

But she needs a burger.

ELLISON: I finally finished your
'Clementine' book last night.

Wait. What do you mean?

You came all the way
to Australia

and you just finished the book
last night?

Did it ever occur to you,
Jackson,

that maybe I didn't come all the
way down here just for the book?

Maybe I also wanted to spend
some time with my son.

The book is good.
You were right.

And if this woman can finally
get your head out of your ass,

I can only imagine
the hold she'll have

on the rest of the world.

Wait. So does that mean
you still want to buy the book?

Yes.

As for you two...

Uh-oh.

You were a couple
this whole time?

Why, yes, ma'am.

And you don't really talk
like Crocodile Dundee?

No. (LAUGHS)

Unless you want me to,
you drongo!

- (LAUGHS)
- Drongo.

We'll work you into the book
promotion. You're hilarious.

Was that actually her
finding something hilarious?

(LAUGHS) I think so.

I want to be her friend.

- I want her cravat.
- Let's go.

So, now what?

CLEMENTINE: One, two,
three, four.

(ACOUSTIC VERSION OF 'DON'T GO
BREAKING MY HEART' PLAYS)

(BOTH SING) ♪ Oooh-hoo

KIDS CHOIR: ♪ Nobody knows it

BACK-UP SINGERS:
♪ Nobody knows, nobody knows

KIDS CHOIR: ♪ So don't go
breaking my heart

BACK-UP SINGERS:
♪ Don't go breaking my heart

KIDS CHOIR: ♪ I won't go
breaking your heart

BACK-UP SINGERS: ♪ Yeah, yeah

KIDS CHOIR: ♪ Don't go
breaking my heart... ♪

(LUSH ORCHESTRA JOINS IN)

(MUSIC CLIMAXES)

- (SCREAMS)
- Argh! (LAUGHS)

(UPBEAT MUSIC)

♪ You're hiding from dreams

♪ You are chasing shadows

♪ They cast away from you

♪ Cast away

♪ You are fighting a fever

♪ Caught by staying late

♪ You don't want to leave

♪ You don't have to

♪ You don't want to go away, no

♪ Only you can stay

♪ You can stay...

♪ You can stay

♪ A garden is waiting

♪ If you do just what they say

♪ Do just what they say

♪ Ooooh

♪ Ooh

♪ Look at things you see

♪ Look how far you've come

♪ And I say

♪ Look at where
you've been

♪ Look at where you're from

♪ Look at things you've seen

♪ Look how far you've come

♪ And look
how much you've grown. ♪

(QUIRKY INSTRUMENTAL MUSIC)