Christmas in Connecticut (1992) - full transcript

'Speak.'

'Jeff, it's Linda.'

'Jefferson,
I know you're there.'

'Okay, you sit, I'll talk.'

'Jerry and I were wondering
if you'll come down to Denver'

'for Thanksgiving.'

'And you can't use
last year's excuse.'

'You're not the only ranger
in Colorado.'

'Oh, um, one last thing'

'would you please look for that
Elizabeth Blane cookbook'

'that I gave you
for your birthday?'



'Bring it, okay?
You may not need it, but I do.'

'Thanks. Call us.'

'Oh, did I mention
this is your sister Linda?'

'In the last hour
experts predict this should be'

'the biggest storm to hit
the Rockies in the last decade.'

'More than four feet of snow
is anticipated'

'to blanket the area
in the next 48 hours.'

- 'Speak.'
- 'Jeff, it's Captain Marsh.'

'From the base station.
Are you there?'

'Some kids wandered off
from his cabin.'

'It's about a half a mile
from your place.'

'His parents are very upset.'

Obviously.

'I'm glad you're there.'



'Do you mind
taking a look around'

'before the storm kicks up?'

How long has the kid been gone?

'Six hours.'

Six hours?

'Yeah, a long time.'

I'm on my way.

'Okay? You get a big opener.'

'You just..
All the way around.'

'Then you pour it in here
and you pretend like'

'you're a cook, it's terrific.'

Children just love
watching you work, you know?

Last night, my grandson,
he's seven years old

we had the most
wonderful evening.

We prepared dinner
for the entire family.

We had such a wonderful time.

I wanna-I wanna look
at these potatoes now

see how they look.

Oh, look at that.

Look at my potatoes.

Aren't they beautiful?

I'm gonna teach you
the secret ingredient right now.

What you do,
before serving these..

...is you take some fresh mint..

some parsley,
some olive oil, okay?

You grind yourself up
a beautiful mint pesto.

- We...
- 'Cut!'

What are you
talking about?

I thought we
went through this

three months ago.

- What?
- No more pesto.

Well, what should we call it?
That's what it is.

I don't care what it is.

Don't call it pesto.

Alright, what would
I call mint and..

- What is it, Josie?
- Olive oil.

Olive oil.
What would I call that?

Anything but pesto.

Pesto is passe.

Pesto is passe?

That's the kind of, uh, concept

that keeps Oprah
ahead of us in the ratings.

- Oprah never thinks pesto.
- What does she think?

She thinks puree.

- Puree?
- Puree.

Puree is timeless.

- It's traditional, you know?
- Yeah.

And tradition
is very big right now.

Hey, I want that snow to be
a little more emotional.

- Hon, could you raise..
- You're not shaking it enough.

Would you put your head down?

Alright, you guys, clear out.

- Let's go!
- Alright?

Time.

- Is the tie okay?
- You are a goddess.

Oh. Thank you very much.

- Too much lipstick? Alright.
- 'Alright, everybody, action.'

So now, just before
serving your potatoes

you toss them
with a little mint puree.

My husband just loves mint.
He grows it in our garden.

It tastes so good
and it smells so nice too.

'Isn't that pretty?'

'Alright, we're gonna
set that aside'

because we're gonna move on
to our piece de resistance.

Thanksgiving turkey.

Yeah, will you work
on that turkey, please?

- 'I love smoking our turkey.'
- Yeah, put a little more color.

Yeah. Yeah,
make it shiny. Right.

You see, everyone
isn't as lucky as me

to have your son-in-law

build you your
very own smokehouse

but don't you worry about that

because you can recreate
that smoky flavor

by adding these
soaked hickory chips

just like that.

'Now when we come back'

'we're gonna see how
that all turned out.'

Cut. Perfect!

Turkey in!

Turkey out!

Let's go, everybody.

This is show time!

- You were double delicious.
- Was it okay?

- You were magnificent.
- I was? Thank you.

Who is this guy?
I've never seen him before.

Get out of here.
Now, let's go.

'Too much snow. Calm it down.'

'Alright, everybody, out!'

Let's go.
This is show time.

Get them out.
Out, out. Action.

Alright, here we are,
four hours later.

Let's see how our turkey looks.

Oh, those hickory chips
sure pack a wallop, don't they?

But I think..

I think we can get..

Look at our bird!

Our bird looks so beautiful.

All brown and crunchy
on the outside

and juicy and moist
on the inside

after hours
and hours of basting.

Well, I just hope your family
enjoys it as much as mine.

So, from all of mine
to all of yours

good health,
good eating, goodbye

and Happy Thanksgiving!

Cut! What a great show!

Elizabeth,
you were magnificent.

- Aw, thank you.
- Oh, so, and that turkey.

What a beautiful turkey!

You were all great.

Okay, on to 149.

Did somebody's cat die?
Let's go, everybody.

Nobody's going anywhere but me.
I'm going home.

First of all, I wanna thank you
all. Each and every one of you.

You're the best crew
I've ever worked with.

- Go home. Be with your family.
- Who's the boss around here?

Happy Thanksgiving!

Oh, boy. Hiya, Mike.
Are you okay today?

...six days
of finding the ranger

and the little boy.

Here at the hospital, we spoke

to two medical experts,
both of whom feel that

while it's possible
they may still be alive

we can expect
severe dehydration.

Elizabeth!

Hey, wait.

I was wondering
if you didn't have

any plans for Thanksgiving..

I mean, Tyler and I

we have this super-big turkey..

Thank you so much.

I'd really love to, but..

- No.
- You upset with me?

- No. You, a goddess? Please.
- A goddess. Please.

I just wish that you'd go
somewhere for the holidays.

I will be somewhere.

- I'll be home.
- Home.

- Don't you ever get lonely?
- Oh, I'm around people all day.

No, not that kind of lonely.
You know, lonely.

I mean, come on, look at you.
I'd kill to look like that.

I'm just not interested
in a relationship right now.

I mean, I'm not not interested
in a relationship.

It's just that..

I like things
the way they are

all simple
and uncomplicated.

You cannot con me, Elizabeth.
Everyone wants someone special.

I had someone special, Josie.
I had my husband, you know?

When he died, it wasn't special
anymore. It just hurt.

- Ooh, look at that.
- Uh-oh, here we go again.

I've been looking
for one just like that.

- This one?
- No, that there.

'This one here?'

- What?
- Oh!

Got ya.

I can't.

You okay?

You okay? I got you.

It's okay.

You're safe.

Hang on, Billy.
Hang on, partner.

It's gonna be okay.

Oh, yeah.

Yeah.

'Norah, I'm home.'

'Sorry I'm late.'

I have your dinner
warming in the oven, Mrs. B.

Thank you, Norah.

- Oh, Mrs. B.
- What?

You didn't.

Norah, of course, I didn't.
I made a promise, didn't I?

I said no more spending
until after New Year's.

I wouldn't..

Norah, why are you
looking at me like that for?

Now, look at me. I'm clean.

I don't have a bag on me.

Now, listen, I'm certain that
you've got pumpkin

or turkey or something
to get ready for Thanksgiving.

- Why don't you go on home?
- Anything you say, Mrs. B.

Sure you don't need me tomorrow?

I'm sure I don't.
Happy Thanksgiving, Norah.

- You too.
- See you Friday.

Mm.

Mm. Mm.

Mm-mm.

'There they are! Let's go!'

'Come on.'

They're alive!

He's alive!

Steady!

Alright, easy.

Billy! Billy!

- Take the kid.
- Come on.

Oh, thank you, thank you
for saving my boy.

We're comin' through, come on.

It's a scene all of America
has been waiting for.

Park Ranger Jefferson Jones

and five-year-old
Billy Futterman

have been found safe

after being lost
for nearly a week.

For those of you
who just tuned in

we're looking at live footage

of Jefferson Jones' safe return
with the little boy.

'They're on their way now
to Memorial Hospital'

'where Sam Simon
is standing by.'

'After today,
there isn't a person alive'

'who won't know the name
Jefferson Jones.'

'Not since
the Lindbergh kidnapping'

'not since the rescue
of Baby Jessica'

'has there been so much interest
in a news event.'

'Every TV network,
every news service'

'has picked up the story.'

'And television ratings'

'have tripled in the last
few hours.'

Television ratings
have tripled.

Body of Christ.

Think America. Think Christmas.
Think 40-share rating.

- 'He pushed me! I was next.'
- 'Sir, this is a holy place.'

Let's go live now
to Memorial Hospital

to Sam Simon.

Sam, what's going on there?

They're bringing Jefferson Jones
into the hospital now.

As you might imagine,
there's much to be thankful for

on this Thanksgiving night.

Jones and the little boy
are both doing

as well as can be expected

and we've been told
that Jones said

he's looking forward
to his first hot-cooked meal.

'The paramedics are opening
the ambulance doors now.'

'And there's Jefferson Jones
about to step out.'

'You know, he looks pretty good
after six days of starvation'

'and those freezing
temperatures'

'but look at him.'

'He's still concerned'

'about Billy's welfare.'

'What a man. What a hero.'

'Jefferson Jones and the boy..'

Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah.

You get the idea?

Alex, you woke me
to show me this? Come on.

I admit,
the ranger's a real hero

but what's that got
to do with me?

- Listen to me, darling.
- I am.

He's not just a hero.
He's a national hero.

Every TV network

every news service
has picked up the story.

Terrific.
What does it have to do with me?

- But don't you see?
- No, I don't.

- You're his hero.
- Why?

- You're a hero's hero.
- Why?

This is big. Watch.

'We're getting reports
about a fire.'

Yes, unfortunately,
in a tragic twist of fate

Jefferson Jones' cabin,
his home burned to the ground

while he was risking
his life to save the child.

'That's right, George,
and according to firefighters'

one of the only possessions..

'My cookbook?'

...is this.

This is big!
Big, big, big.

What, just because
one of my cookbooks

survived a fire?

Alex, you need medicine.

Because I've sold you
as a prime-time special.

You what?

I convinced Paul Prescott

the head of the network,
in a church

that he ought to give you
a prime-time Christmas special.

- Are you serious?
- I'm serious.

What kind of a special?

Hero. Saves kid. Loses house.

Has nothing, nothing..

...except his fantasies
about your cooking.

Your plum pudding,
your candied yam

your world-famous
Christmas goose.

Jefferson Jones, come on down.

Oh, it's kismet!

Are you serious?
I'm doing my own..

I'm going prime-time?

Not only prime-time, but live.

- I'm going live?
- Live!

Live?
Oh, my God, it's an event.

Live!
Christmas in Connecticut!

Christmas in who?

Wait 'til all America sees you
and all the other Blanes

sitting down
to a Christmas dinner

with Jones himself.

Alex, are you crazy?

Cover of "TV Guide," easy.

Alex, there are no other Blanes.

Listen to me, th-th-there is no
house in Connecticut.

What are you talking about?

- Just details.
- Details? What...

Liz-ball, details.

Leave the details to me.
I'll take care of it.

I need an espresso.
I need a buzz!

I need a gun.

I've got it all figured out.

My sister's kids..

...are gonna be your grandkids.

'That's Kevin and Melissa.'

And, uh, Josie, okay?

Josie's gonna be
your daughter, Mary

because she knows how to cook.

And I, I shall play your loving,
debonair husband..

What's his name?
What choice do you have?

I'd sooner stick
hot needles in my eyes.

Ugh!
I need something to eat.

- I am not gonna do it, Alex.
- You gotta do it.

Right, well, you just give me
one good reason why I should.

- Tell me why I should.
- The show means promotion.

Promotion means ratings.
And ratings mean money.

Money.

Why can't it be me and Jones?

Because we've sold the public
on you and the family.

Now you've got to deliver.

Listen, you promised me
this would never happen.

You promised me!

Alex, you and I both know
I can't cook.

Shh, don't say that so loud.

I can't cook, Alex.
I can't cook!

What are you moaning about? Huh?

I saved you.

What were you before
I rescued you from that

from that dead-end magazine,
huh?

- Happy. I was happy, Alex.
- A no-nothing writer.

That's what I was.
I was happy.

Oh, poor baby.
And now you're famous.

That's right. And in debt.

Everybody needs fairy tales.

People need cooking,
home, devotion.

So Cinderella becomes
a pumpkin.

Well, this pumpkin says no.

W-w-well, look, if you won't
do it for us, do it for Josie.

Think of the little people
on the set.

They need it as much as anybody.

What about Tanya,
the cue card girl?

- Her name is Theresa.
- Theresa?

I won't do it. No way!

It's out of the question.

I-I know it's a lot to ask,
Tyler. I-I do know that.

I-it'll only be
for a couple of days.

- Right. Why?
- Impossible.

Look, do you think
I like doing this?

Do you think I live
to hand out menus

for Chucky's Chicken Chuckwagon?

- You look very cute. I mean..
- Mm-hmm.

- Oh, really?
- Really.

When was the last time
you had to wear

a feather suit to work?

I'm an actor.

I have an audition on the 27th

and I need to prepare.

And I need to cook
for Elizabeth.

Well, wait a minute.

I got a great idea.
Why not look at it this way?

I mean...you could prepare as my
son-in-law out in Connecticut.

I mean,
this might be the opportunity

that you've been thinking of.

Tyler, think of all the people
that will be seeing you

on this special. Directors...

The operative word is
"Your special."

No one's gonna notice me.

I'll just be
an insignificant speck

in the constellation
of your stardom.

Why must you always do this,
Tyler?

Look, I need a break!

- He needs a break.
- I need to be noticed.

And not as Elizabeth Blane's
son, but as an artist.

Why don't you just tell her
what you're auditioning for?

- What are you auditioning for?
- I'm up for a serial killer.

On "Days Of Love."

- Oh, isn't that nice?
- Real art.

Oh, sure, i-i-it's a good time
to joke about it now.

But what about in two years
from now? Huh?

What if this turns into a lead?

Then we'll be talking a totally
different story.

I'm not gonna blow
this audition.

And if you don't do this,
I could be out of a job, Tyler.

And we could be out
on the streets.

So adjust.

Y-you can adjust, Tyler.

'Adjustment is nice.'

You never cease to amaze me,
Jefferson.

Even burned my pipe.

You? On some cooking show.

'I don't believe it.'

Elizabeth Blane is not only
America's favorite cook

she's America's favorite mom.

Got a husband, kid

grandkid, people.

Lots of people, get it?

You hate people.

So why do it?

I got 25,000 reasons

one for every dollar
the network's payin' me.

You're not going Hollywood
on me, are you?

Listen, if these people want
to think I sit around

dreaming about this
Blane woman's Christmas goose

whatever that is..

It gets me the money
to put this back up

I can put up with her stuff
for a couple of days.

Elizabeth Blane hunts her own
Christmas goose.

'She's famous for it.'

You're such a big fan,
you better brush up.

I will.

When are you leaving?

Soon as I'm packed.

I'm packed.

Alex.

'Alex.'

Alex.

God! What are you doing, Alex?

I'm getting in the part
of your loving husband.

Who's your role model?
Hugh Hefner? Look at you.

Let me show you the rest
of the house. Come on.

This is the entry hall, going in
through this magnificent..

What was that, dear?

That was my nephew, uh, Andrew.

Anthony!

My name's Anthony.

Your name is Kevin
and he's your grandson.

- He doesn't look seven.
- I'm ten.

- Well, it's close enough.
- You don't look ten.

- Where's the TV?
- I don't know.

- What good are you?
- I don't know.

Mrs. B?

Oh, Norah, Norah,
I'm so glad to see you.

I-I'm so.. I know you..

Who's this?
I don't know this.

- This is my sister's other kid.
- Oh.

- Your grandchild, Melissa.
- Oh.

- Isn't she adorable?
- Isn't she?

She's got your eyes and my..

What is going on?

Hey! Hey! D-d-don't.

Why is everybody so..

What? What?

Aww, I'll get her bottle.

Hello.

I know exactly how you feel,
dear.

Okay.

Uh-uh.

Right.

Oh, no. Oh. Oh.

- What is it?
- Oh, drool.

- Drool?
- Here.

What are you doing?

Wait a min.. Norah!

Hello!

Why do you do that?

- Kevin!
- 'Thank you.'

Kevin, come and meet
your mother and father.

Anthony!

What? What?

Now listen to me.
Your name is Kevin.

And when I say Kevin,
you come, okay?

- You can call me...
- Grandmother? Granny? Gramps?

You call me that,
I'll put you in my soup.

Tyler, I'm so glad to see you.

Kevin, this is your father.

Ever wondered what it would feel
like to sew your eyes closed?

- Charming.
- Cool.

- Is he alright?
- He's in character.

He refuses to give up
the soap audition.

What about the character
of my son-in-law?

- I'm here, aren't I?
- Thank you very much.

- We fought all the way.
- How come?

- 'I'll tell you later.'
- Hey!

'Hon, where are you going?'

- I'll be back.
- I love that guy.

Kevin, this is your mother.

- Kevin, I'm talking to you!
- Is he-is he alright?

He's just a little strange,
that's all.

The kitchen's there.

Don't touch that!

- 'This is your daughter.'
- D-d-don't touch that.

Oh, she is so cute.

What's the matter?
What's the matter?

- Put it down!
- Oops!

No! Are you..

What happened? Not.. Oh!

Told you to be careful,
didn't I?

Don't yell!

Do you have any idea
how much money

I had to put up
as a security deposit?

- Hello?
- You idiot!

- I hate you!
- 'Hello.'

- Ouch!
- Hello?

Will somebody stop
the ringing, please?

What? Who's ringing? Hello?

- Everybody out!
- That's the fax phone. The fax.

Norah, I want to be alone now.

Mm-hmm.

- Mrs. Blane?
- Ow!

- Are you okay?
- I'm fine.

Who are you?

You're Jefferson Jones.

Afraid so, ma'am.

- What are you doing here?
- Excuse me?

What are you doing here today?
Today..

You're not supposed to be here
until the 25th.

- Not according to this fax.
- What fax?

This one.

"Please come early
and get to know my family.

Signed, Elizabeth Blane."

That's it! I'm outta here.
I'm not..

You don't want to listen
to my needs, forget about it.

What about what I want?

- You're so destructive!
- It wasn't my fault!

You're breaking everything.

Where is the diaper bag?

Mr. Jones, I'd like
to introduce my family.

Family, this is Jefferson Jones.

- Jonesy. I see you got my fax.
- Your fax?

Uh, I-I cut a deal
with "People Magazine."

They're gonna write a story
on how America's hostess

spends three days
with America's hero.

Oh, isn't that nice?

Maybe you could just show me
where my room is.

Oh, nonsense.
I want you to meet the family.

Oh, by the way,
I'm-I'm Mr. Elizabeth Blane.

- But you can call me, uh..
- John.

- Uh, John.
- John Blane.

And I'm mighty proud of it.

Mr. Jones, let me introduce you
to my family.

I'd like you to meet
my daughter, Mary

and her husband, Evan.

I love the smell of human hair
when it burns.

I've been traveling all night.
Maybe I could go wash up?

- That's the...
- Can I have my allowance now?

I beg your pardon, dear?

My special
ten dollar allowance, granny.

Ask your grandfather.
Get it from him, dear.

And this little pudge-face
is my granddaughter, Melissa.

Aw. She's so cute.

She's got your eyes.

Oh.

'Well, you know, it's hard
to believe, looking at you'

'that you got
two grandchildren.'

Yes, I-I find it really hard
to believe it myself sometimes.

We are vampires.

We suck the blood of innocents
and stay forever young.

Sweet. Mary, why don't you and
Evan take the children upstairs?

- 'Norah, I got the baby.'
- I'll hold it for you.

Will you show Mr. Jones
to his room, please?

- Oh, sure.
- Oh, that'd be good.

Sure. Huh. Which one?

Oh, Norah hasn't been with us
for very long.

It's the first one
on the left, Norah. Thank you.

When should I start dinner?

Aren't you the cook?

Of course, I'm the cook.

But that's my occupation.

So since, since I'm on vacation

Mary's gonna take over
in the kitchen until Christmas.

Thanks, Mary.
Any time you want now.

You have an interesting family.

Yes, aren't they?
Very interesting.

Ooh!

That's very manly of you.

You were running low.

Thank you.

Whoo!

Well, I-I suppose you just
love being outside.

I mean, coming from that
mountainy place you come from.

- Colorado.
- 'Colorado.'

- Smell that?
- Oh.

Yes, that's my, my Chanel No.5.

Cedar.

Of course. Cedar.

I bet you can't buy that
at Bloomingdale's.

You're right.

Um, so, um..

...how long did you live alone
up in that..

...cabin place?

- Eleven years.
- Eleven years? Oh!

Alone alone?
I mean, no..

- Women?
- Pets.

- Neither.
- Oh.

Well, that's a long time.

I thought about it a lot.

- 'Women?'
- Pets.

Oh.

Oh. Excuse me.

Hi, Mary. Hi.

- I can't do this.
- Why? What's the matter?

Hi, sweetie.
What's the matter, Mary?

Mary's under a lot of stress.
Mary isn't...

Maybe we should finish up
for her.

- Finish up what?
- Her bath.

You ought to be an expert
at this.

Oh. It's no big deal, you know?

There's water,
there-th-th-there's soap.

There's a rubber duck.

It's pretty routine.

You know what? I just had
the most wonderful idea.

How would you like
to bathe her?

- Me?
- Sure.

I think it'd be fun for you.

Here.

Let go of my hair, sweetheart.

- Yeah.
- Ah.

You want to get in the bath?

You two just have fun, okay?
I'll see you in a while.

Hey, where are you going?
You're gonna supervise for me?

- Supervise.
- Whoa, come on.

- Hi, sweetie! Hi!
- Is it too hot?

- Oh! Hi!
- Oh. It is too hot.

- Hi, honey! Hi!
- I don't blame you.

- Don't get water in her eyes.
- No, I'm not, I'm not.

- I'm okay.
- Got any soap?

'Soap. Oh, of course, soap.'

- Want some soap?
- Well..

Here's some soap, sweetie.

- Is it just a little hot?
- There's the soap.

Here's a duck.

What about her hair?
Should we wash it?

Well, I'll rinse
and you put shampoo on her.

'Alright.'

- 'Okay.'
- 'Alright. That's too much.'

'What do you mean
it's too much?'

'I'm telling you.'

'Watch her eyes. I told you.'

Wait a minute, wait a minute,
wait a minute. My fault.

Sorry, you're right.
You're the expert.

Oh, you sweet thing. Sorry.

I don't know if we got
all the soap out.

- Well...we did.
- She-she likes that.

You're awfully good at that
for a bachelor, you know?

You sure you don't have a whole
slew of kids hidden somewhere?

I nursed a couple of bear cubs
till their mother came back.

- This is better than bear cubs.
- Yes.

Ain't she a beauty?

Oh! Josie, there you are.

Don't you ever
do that to me again.

You hand me this small, little,
slippery, wet baby.

I don't know how to handle
a baby. I've never..

What's the matter, babe? Huh?

Do you want to talk about it?

No.

Okay.

Tyler's leaving me.

Tyler's what?

I want to have a baby, Liz.
He doesn't.

Oh, Josie, the two of you can
work it out, can't you?

You've seen the way Tyler
behaves. Like Charles Manson.

Do you know what it's like
living like that?

When he was up for Felix
in "The Odd Couple"

we had the biggest fight
of our marriage

over a coffee ring
on the table.

And when he was up for the stage
manager in "Our Town"

we had to experience
small-town life

by moving in with his parents,
in Dayton, Ohio!

'With every new part'

comes a completely different
personality.

He is so obsessed
with his career.

How are we ever going to have
a life together?

Why don't you just be honest?

It won't change anything.

You know something?

It might.

It just might.

Jo, Jonesy!

Hey, Jonesy baby, wait a minute.

Mind if I, uh,
come along with you?

You don't, uh, mind me
tagging along, do you?

- Uh-uh. Come on.
- Nice and nippy. Thanks.

Uh, well, I did want to have a
little talk with you, you know?

Since I'm the producer and I'm
giving you 25 grand for the show

I thought maybe I'd tell you
what's what.

You know, you're gonna see
a part of, uh, showbiz

that very few people see,
you know?

Show business magic. Right.

And, so, therefore,
I just wanted to, you know

bring you up to date
with everything.

There may be a time,
there's just the possibility..

I'm not sure that it's gonna
happen, but it is a possibility

that at somewhere
along the line..

Oh, it's really chilly.

That somewhere along the line
you're not going to see, uh

Elizabeth, uh, cook.

Is, uh..
You got any questions?

How long have you two been
married?

Well, time is relative and
relative is relative, you know?

But it's been
worth every minute of it.

And you know
what I mean by worth.

She's like a Cabernet of love.

She gets richer, fuller, more
intoxicating with age, you know?

You know what I think it is?
I think it's chemical.

Every time I get a whiff of her

I wanna take her
in my arms and give her a kiss.

You know what drives her crazy?
When I suck her toes.

She goes crazy, like a horse.

But look who I'm talking to.
A good-looking guy like you.

You're out there
getting all that action, huh?

Nobody ever neighed for me.

Well, that takes a little
special finesse.

I could teach you how to do it
if you want.

Uh, can I ask you a question,
please?

It's 40 degrees
below zero out here.

What are we doing here?

I was taking a walk.

Oh. Well, enjoy yourself.

Without the cover, you got
no story. I told you that.

You're late.

You snooze, you lose.

Tell me something, do you dream
in color or in black and white?

Uh, w-w-would you please pass me
that end piece?

Can I have some potatoes?

Is your food alright?

Yeah, I just fill up quick
these days.

'Of course, after what
you've been through.'

Hey, mister,
if they didn't find you

would you have eaten that kid?

Kevin..

- I don't think so.
- Pass the potatoes.

Would you have eaten
your own foot?

- Kevin!
- Maybe.

Would you like some peas?

Well, uh, how do you
like this chow, huh?

I bet you didn't run across
any Chateaubriand

in the forest, did you?

No, this is real good.

I guess I'm just more a

4:00 a.m. black-coffee-bacon-
and-flapjacks kind of person.

Flapjack? What a coincidence.

Elizabeth wrote a whole book
about flapjacks.

- Yeah?
- You want flapjacks?

Mary will cook them
in the morning.

- The potatoes?
- I love flapjacks.

- Pass the potatoes!
- 'Mary..'

Here!

Shut up!

Do you have to talk to him
that way? He's only a kid.

Oh, that's right. You're
the big expert on kids, right?

At least I want them!

Fine.

Dessert, anyone?

I noticed you don't have
a Christmas tree.

- Mm-hmm. Yeah.
- Oh!

Well, there's a good reason
for that.

Very good reason for that.

Uh, uh, we have to wait
until Christmas.

Yeah.

- We wait until Christmas.
- Why?

Why? Why.

- For the show.
- Of course, our show.

- Absolutely.
- Yeah.

See, the set decorator comes in
and he does the whole house.

- Oh, the whole house.
- Mm-hmm.

- Every nook and cranny.
- Yes.

Uh, uh, normally...

Normally, we have a huge
Christmas tree.

- Yes.
- Really big.

A veritable redwood,
you know?

Uh, but this year,
we have prime-time.

Yes.

Oh.

Mr. Jones,
you're such a fascinating man.

'I was just wondering, have you
always been a Park Ranger?'

Actually, before I moved
to Colorado, I lived in Chicago.

I grew up there.

Taught comparative literature
at the university for ten years.

Really? Wow!

- Then I quit and moved west.
- 'Why?'

'I mean, why would you
give up teaching?'

'I don't know,
I got offered tenure'

and head of the department, and
it's what I thought I wanted

but, uh, it meant being caged in

by concrete and crowds
for the rest of my life.

'One day I went to work
and it was like'

'going into a long,
dark tunnel.'

I knew I was never
going to see the other end.

I couldn't do it. People were
telling me what to do.

I had to be outdoors.

You know what I'm talking about?

- Mm-hmm.
- Mm-hmm.

Living out here.

Excuse me.

I admire you for giving up
the city, you know

to raise a family
in the country.

You figured it out before I did.

We try.

Well, it's been a, uh,
a long day.

I-I think I'm gonna turn in.

- Elizabeth?
- What?

- Time to go to bed.
- Together?

I mean,
it's-it's only 9:30, dear.

Yeah, but you know
what they say in the country.

- What do they say?
- Early to bed, early to rise.

But that's if you've got
cows and things.

This is Connecticut,
and we've got guests.

- Yeah.
- You go to bed.

But you know I can't sleep
without you.

We're like two spoons.

For God's sakes, John,
what are you talking about?

- Well, I mean...
- We have company.

Please, Jonesy's a grown man...

'Well, of course,
he's a grown man.'

- 'You're a grown man too.'
- 'Yes, but still.'

- 'So go to bed alone.'
- No, I don't wanna go alone.

Well, dear, I want you to.

- You go on-you all go on.
- No! We don't have to go.

- 'Mom!'
- Yes?

- Can you come up here?
- Yes, of course, I will.

No, she can't.

- Mom and dad are going to bed.
- What is it, darling?

Kevin wants Grandma
to read him a bedtime story.

Aw. Kevin wants grandma
to read him a bedtime story.

I couldn't disappoint Kevin,
could I?

Excuse me, please,
Mr. Jones. John.

Yes. No.

She's such a mother.

I've never been
out on a date before.

Kevin, you want to make
$20 cash right now?

Get in bed, pretend like
I'm reading to you. Hustle.

"It was his destiny to slay
the dragon

"and save the kingdom.

"The great
big kingdom was there.

Absolutely there."

Hey, where's my $20?

Okay.

For 50 bucks, I can fake a
nightmare and sleep in your bed.

Thanks, Kev-O.
I'll keep that in mind.

'I'll remember that.'

Thought you were going to bed?

Oh. I was.

Just, you know,
doing my exercises.

Very important
to stay in shape, you know.

- Goodnight!
- Goodnight.

'Forgot the toothpaste.'

Norah, you scared me
half to death.

- What are you doing down here?
- I was fixing myself a snack.

I heard a woman scream.

Oh! We didn't hear anything,
did we?

Unh-unh.

I thought you were going to bed.

So did I.

So did I.

Goodnight.

- Uh, Mrs. Blane?
- Yes?

Are you going
for the goose tomorrow?

The goose?

'The Christmas goose.'

The one we hunt
every Christmas Eve morning?

After having slept
all night together?

Oh, that goose.
I knew about goose.

I just thought that this year
with the show and everything

we wouldn't do that.

I'd love to come
along with you.

I saw a whole flock of geese
this morning.

Oh, you can't.

I'm sorry, but we only have

two guns or two rifles, that..

- Isn't that right?
- I don't know.

Don't start me to lying.

Isn't that right, John?

Oh, well, I could check around.

No, we couldn't possibly.

You see,
it's a family tradition.

Every year, just John and me.

Well, he could take my place.

- Are you sure?
- Are you kidding?

You're my guest.

Oh, what time do we start?

Early.

Very, very early.

In fact, I don't wanna
wake you up, darling.

I'd better sleep in the den.

No, no, no, I don't think
that's necessa...

Oh, it is necessary,
my sweet...

- No.
- My darling.

Goodnight.

'Oh, no, oh, no, oh, no!'

Oh, what the..

Oh!

Oh! Oh!

No!

'Good mornin'.'

'Ready for the hunt?'

"The hunt."

Coffee?

No, thank you.
I don't want any coffee.

Well, you sleep well
last night?

Yeah, I slept okay.
What is that?

- What?
- That?

- That's the sun.
- No.

That is the sun?
It's all pink and blue...

- You got any sugar?
- Sure.

Sugar. Sugar, sugar.

Someplace.

- Sugar.
- Forget it.

- We gotta get goin'.
- I have an orange.

- Do you want an orange?
- Let's go.

- Two oranges?
- Yeah.

Okay.

You always wear
all those clothes

when you go huntin'?

Always.

Do you ever get hot?

Are you kiddin' me? Never.

Oh!

You're staring at me.

Sorry.

It's my hair, isn't it?
It's all poofy.

No, you look fine.

I was just wonderin'
how you do it.

Do what?

Live out here.

Take care of a family.
Maintain a career.

Look like you do.

It's gotta be the clean living.

Or the facials
I get every week.

You know, I know this might be
hard for you to accept

but I actually like
New York City.

And the crime?

Theaters.

- Pollution.
- Museums.

- Sex, drugs...
- Rock and roll.

I love the whole scene.

Wouldn't seem so great if you
couldn't escape to Connecticut.

'Oh, well.'

Hey, wait for me.

Would you carry my gun?

And me?

You know, this is-this is great.

I really love this.

Can we turn around now?

'Cause you got everything.

Beautiful home, successful
career, terrific family.

What more could you
possibly want?

Maybe to be appreciated
for more than my beautiful home

successful career,
and incredible family.

I know.

You do?

Yeah, you have grace,
intelligence

and a sense of humor.

It's a killer combination.

Why, Jefferson Jones

I actually think
you're flirting with me.

Ah, this is crazy.

Listen.

Oh, it's a family.
Aren't they sweet?

What are you doing?
You're not gonna..

'Didn't get it, huh?'

Good morning, family!

Forget it.
Hey, I think they're coming.

They're here!

Alright, everybody

let's make it look family time.

'Let's go.
Elizabeth's here, come on.'

If you won't do it for me

do it for Elizabeth!

Ah, there you go.

'That's it.'

'Perfect.'

"Captain Flash
came screaming from the sky

from his rocket ship."

Oh, good morning!

Good morning.

Get a grip, gramps.

Yeah, gramp, get a grip.
Hi, gorgeous.

- Where's dinner?
- Oh, buy a turkey.

I missed a goose by a mile.

Somethin' distracted me.

'It sure did.'

You're just in time

to flip the flapjacks,
dumpling.

Flapjacks?

Well, I'm not in a flipping mood
this morning.

Let Norah do it.

- I don't flip, I scoop.
- Oh, you do?

No, I want you to flip me
a flapjack, please.

You haven't done one
in such a long time.

- What?
- For me.

If not for me, do it

for our honored guest, Jonesy.

Jonesy, wouldn't you love
to see her flapjack?

Absolutely.

We'd love to see you
flip a flapjack.

You'd love to see me
flip a flapjack?

- Please! Yes. Mm-hmm.
- Flip a flapjack, for you?

I'd be happy to, John.

Happy to.

- Oh, my God.
- 'This is gonna be good.'

- Norah, make way.
- 'Come on, Jonesy.'

Alright, gather around,
everyone.

- Come on.
- This is it.

This is it.

Yeah!

- 'Yeah, alright!'
- Do another one.

No, no, no, no, sorry, folks.
One is my limit. Make way.

I'll see you in a while.

Go away.

Go away!

Oh, God, I know
I'm gonna regret this.

Okay, the door isn't locked.
Come in.

Liz, it's Tyler.

- He's gone.
- What?

I just checked the room.
He took all of his things.

Oh, come on, sweetie.
It's alright, come on.

It's alright.

Come on,
we'll think of something.

'Attention, all passengers'

'train from Eastport leaving
to Hartford, Bristol and New...'

Tyler!

'...has been delayed.'

Tyler, aren't you
a little bit old

to be running away from home?

You know, Josie's really
worried sick about you, Tyler.

I know this is gonna
surprise you..

...but I know what
you're going through, Tyler.

I know just the way you feel.

Good, then we don't have to talk
about it, do we?

You want that career so badly,
you can taste it, right?

Nothing else can come
in front of it.

Let me ask you somethin'.

If you had to choose..

Tyler, if you
had to give up Josie

for your career,
would you do that?

No, of course not.

I would never want that.

But when you're
just starting out

your career has to come first.

Bull!

Tyler, if you have someone

to love who loves you back

everything else is secondary.

I don't care what it is.

Your home, your job,
your career, everything.

Easy to say from where you sit.

Especially from
where I sit, mister.

Listen to me.

All those wonderful things that
go with a sensational career

all those things
don't mean diddlysquat

if you don't have someone
special to share them with.

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Do you?

Do you understand
what I'm saying to you?

Tyler is a loser.

With a capital L.

He is a loser.

And here's a beautiful woman
like you crying

over a ding-dong loser.

I can't believe it.
I hate losers!

You know why?
'Cause I'm a winner.

And you know
what winners can do?

Winners know
how to treat a woman.

I know what a woman wants.
I know what a woman needs.

I know what a woman feels.

Now, take that..

Take this Jefferson.

Jefferson, huh.

You think he knows
what a woman wants?

He's dumb!

Lives in a log cabin,
dresses like Howdy Doody.

What does he know about women?

Do you think Elizabeth
could go for a guy like that?

- Yeah.
- Think about it a little bit.

A log cabin?

She lives in this
beautiful penthouse

in New York City

goes to the theater,
parties with me.

I mean, you got to be
out of your head

to even consider
something like that!

What am I doing up here?

Giving me advice.

Oh, oh, yeah, yeah, exactly.
I got it.

Go blond and dump Tyler.

Come on, give me a little smile.

'I've been lookin' for you.'

'Hi.'

I had to run some errands.

How you doin'?

Do you think John would mind

if I borrowed you
for half an hour?

Well, you know,
I'm not the family mule.

You don't have to ask him
for permission

to spend time with me.

If you want to ask someone,
ask me.

You mean yes?

I've been trying
to think of a scene

where the husband and wife
kiss and make up.

Maybe you can improvise.

Improvise?

Okay.

Josie, I'm sorry.

I don't want to fight anymore.

I'm bored!
Can we do something?

Kevin, I don't think
this is a good time.

Okay, I'll wait.

So you want to show me trees?

- A Christmas tree.
- What do you...

I saw it yesterday
when I took a walk.

I found this beautiful
little tree.

It reminded me of you.

I've been thinkin' about it
ever since.

Oh, but we can't have,
we can't have our own tree.

I know all about the show
and the set decorator

and you gotta use
your own decorations...

- Right.
- This is Christmas Eve.

You gotta have a tree.

For the kids.

I think it's a great idea.

What do you think?

This tree?

It's a nice little tree.

Well, let's go.

Look at you.

Sitting there so innocent..

...so beautiful.

You tried to make me think
it was okay..

...but it isn't!

You lied to me!

You lied!

And now it's time
to pay the price.

Okay, okay.

This is when you say..

"Roger, you're sick.
You need help.

Killing me
won't solve anything."

"Killing me
won't solve anything."

Who writes this stuff?

Certainly not you.

You're too smart.

You'll probably go your whole
adorable little life

never even watching
a soap opera, yeah.

You don't watch that stuff.

Okay. Back in character.

You gotta help here now,
darlin'.

I gotta think psychopath.

'Now's my chance.'

Finally alone!

I've had about enough of you

crying all hours of the night!

I got news for you.

'I'm gonna sell you.'

'That's right.'

'We're broke, so you're going'

'to the highest bidder.'

Yeah, a kid like you ought to
keep us in gravy

for the rest of the year.

And then I'll have to kill
the rest of 'em !

And I know just how I'll do it.

But first things first.

Look, look, Josie.

'You look just like him.'

- Hey, they're back.
- Oh, look!

Hey, what's that?

What does it look like?

It's our Christmas tree.

Where's the wooden stand
the lot guy

always makes you pay
five bucks for?

It didn't come from a lot.

It came from the forest.

- Weird.
- I'll show you weird.

- 'Wipe your shoes off.'
- Hey, tree time!

'Okay, give way.
Oh, don't get it all over.'

'Careful, Kevin.'

Hi, mommy! How was she?

Oh, right over
in front of the window.

- Where're the decorations?
- Decorations?

- Psst!
- Wait a minute.

You got some, don't you?

Decora.. Yeah, no.

Actually, we had a burglary,
uh, last year.

They-they stole
all of the decorations.

What kind of a person
steals Christmas decorations?

- A bad person.
- Psst! It's very important.

Just give me a second, wait.
What is it?

- You got any popcorn?
- Yes!

- Cranberries?
- Oh, we have everything.

- We've everything...
- Y-yes.

And I got, uh,
lights put out front.

We're in business.

- Alright, that's it, come on.
- I'll get it.

No, don't pull
on my cranberries.

Okay.

Ah, this is so frustrating

when you can't get
these things undone.

- Hey.
- What?

Watch.

Oh, show-off.

'Look how easily he did that.'

'You guys, save some popcorn..'

'Hey, Kevin..'

...you guys finished down there?

- Yeah!
- Yeah, we're all finished.

- Hey, hey, hey, hey!
- Whoa!

I have a surprise.

- Look, I made cookies!
- Norah, you're so sweet.

- Look at these.
- Aren't they beautiful?

Can we make some skull heads?

Skull heads?
Oh, that's a good idea.

We'll all make skull heads,
go on.

Alright, come on, dad.

I am not making skull heads.

- Yes, you are now.
- Are they making skull heads?

'What's a skull head?'

You got left with the cookie
in your mouth.

Look at that, they left us
and stranded us.

I guess we're gonna
have to decorate the tree, huh?

- I don't like that there...
- I guess so.

Let me see where this belongs.

Now, wait a minute.

- Right there.
- You can't do that.

- Why not?
- It's too big.

Look, the big ones
go on the bottom.

But I don't like it there.

Why do they have to go
on the bottom?

Because the little ones
go on top.

I don't like rules.
I hate rules.

It's perfect.

But, you know, the top
of the tree looks really empty.

Oh, I know just
what to put up there.

I'll get it and come right back.

I think there's something
wrong with Tyler.

Oh, Tyler's alright. I mean,
I think he's a little confused...

No, there's something
not right about him.

Something not right about
a lot of things around here.

He-he-he could be dangerous.

Come on, Alex.

He's about as dangerous
as that little baby downstairs.

What's her name? Melissa.

Yeah, but listen, oh..

He could ruin the show.

You know, it's not
too late to recast him.

Oh, Alex,
you really worry too much.

You know, you really do.

I mean, this is Christmas,
munchkins.

What in the world
could possibly go wrong?

Oh!

- 'What is that?'
- 'Oh, it's so beautiful.'

'I'm tellin' you,
I think that skull head'

'would look much better.'

- It's perfect.
- Just like a pro.

Okay.
I knew it would be just right.

'I guess it's pretty cool.
Yeah.'

- It's nice.
- 'Let's light it!'

- Yeah, let's go for it.
- Go ahead, go for it.

Alright.

Watch closely.

- Oh!
- Oh, yeah, alright!

Oh!

I can't believe it.

- We did that.
- 'I like it.'

You act like you never
had one before.

I haven't!

I mean, I.. Uh, uh,
not this beautiful.

I just think this is the most
beautiful tree in the world.

I've never seen anything..

You know what,
I-I was gonna wait till morning

but I just can't now.
Okay, just..

I'll explain when I get back.

Just wait a minute, okay?

- You're good at that, kid.
- Okay.

- Jefferson.
- Oh, gifts!

Hmm.

Merry Christmas.

Oh!

- Sweetheart.
- I love gifts.

- Merry Christmas.
- This is so beautiful.

I think I know what it is, yes.

"Love Isn't Always Easy."

This is the one exactly
what we need, Tyler.

- It's what you need.
- No, it's what you need.

It's what you need.

Alright.

This is just what I need.

'Oh, my God, look at this.'

'How to make babies, Tyler.'

'This is what we need.'

- Oh, thank you.
- 'I love it.'

Oh!

Look at me.

Where's Alex?

Look what I got.
I got a cone.

I love these glasses..
Thank you.

- Thank you. Thank you. Mwah!
- Merry Christmas!

- You know what?
- What?

We didn't get you anything.

I don't need anything.

- I've got you.
- Oh, not so fast.

- What?
- I got something for you.

'Alright, look at that!'

What is that?

Well, since yours
is up on the tree..

...I figured
you might want that.

- Ah, look at my..
- 'Oh, how sweet!'

I love it.
Thank you very much.

Time to celebrate!

- Great timing!
- Champagne!

Oh.

- Oh, look at this.
- Oh.

There.

- Thank you.
- Anyhow.

- Here we go.
- No chance, unh-uh.

Alright, you can hold it,
but don't drink.

I wanna make a toast
before you do anything, okay?

Just a little toast here.

To my family.

- Oh.
- Oh, no!

'Who turned out the lights?'

'Ooh, it's dark.'

'Tyler, let's go
make a baby right now.'

'Who's touching me?'

'Get your hands off.'

'"It was was the night
before Christmas'

'"when all through the house'

'"not a creature was stirring'

'"not even a mouse.'

'"The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care'

'"in hopes that St. Nicholas
soon would be there.'

"The children were nestled
all snug in their beds

while visions of sugar plums
danced in their..."

Oh, look what I have
for everyone.

Your favorite
chocolate coconut angels.

Come on in. It's open!

♪ Silent night

♪ Holy night

♪ All is calm

♪ All is bright

♪ Round yon..

Well, it's been an absolutely
perfect Christmas.

We're so happy that
you could all join us

and special thanks
to our guest, Jefferson Jones.

God bless you all.

And cut!

You were perfect..

Nice. Very nice.

Next year, let's do
Christmas in Florida.

It's way too cold here.

'Kill the fire, alright?'

'It was great.'

'You were all so wonderful.'

- Thank you.
- It was lousy!

Lousy! Nothing worked!

Hey, you guys out there
with the snow

you made it look like dandruff!

And, Kevin, I told you,
the minute the doorbell rings

say "Come on in."
And stop eating the props!

Huh, now! Uh, can't you get
that baby to smile?

Smile. Huh?

This tree!
I hate this tree!

This green tree I hate!

'So, green tree out!'

'Bring in the traditional
pink one.'

- 'Come on, let's go, guys.'
- I loved our tree.

'Time is wasting.'

Now, Tyler, right?
You-you were really excellent.

Really, I..
Jefferson..

Look...you're a little
too wooden.

Just smile
a little bit more, okay?

You're not playing in a funeral.

I told you,
I don't play the piano.

- I feel like an idiot.
- No, no.

You don't feel like an idiot.

You don't look like an idiot.

You look great. Okay.

Would somebody please
shut the music?

Alright, everybody!
From the top!

Mrs. B!

Some local folks just called

and invited you to town
for their Christmas dance.

- Oh, how nice!
- Oh, ho, ho.

Seeing as how you haven't got
anything else to do

what should I tell them?

Tell them no!

- Tell them yes.
- No, no, no, we can't do it!

We've gotta make this show
look very spontaneous.

The only way to do that
is to do it over and over again.

Somebody's liable
to freeze on television!

Whoa! Hold it!

Everybody! Hey, hold it!
Right now, hold it!

- What?
- Everybody take a break.

There's such a thing
as too much rehearsing.

- No, no.. We can't, we..
- Take a break, have a..

Let's do it one more time,
everybody.

- 'Merry Christmas.'
- 'Yeah.'

- Isn't this beautiful?
- Yeah.

Oh, I just love it out here.

Boy, thanks for getting me
out of there.

Oh, it's okay.

Your husband can be
kind of a...

I know, he gets obnoxious
when somebo..

I mean, you must
run into his type

even in your line of work.

Not exactly.

Maybe an occasional skunk.

Oh, Mr. Jones,
you ready to dance?

- Yes.
- Let's do it.

Oh.

Look at that!

Oh, my! Honey, look!

A-are you Elizabeth Blane?

I watch your cooking show.

- You're wonderful, I love you.
- Oh, we love you.

Thank you.

- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.

'Isn't he somebody too?'

'Come on, come on.'

Oh, look, our guests are here!

- Welcome.
- Come on.

'Woo-hoo!'

Come on, come on.

'Whoo!'

'Alright.'

- 'Whoo!'
- 'Yeah.'

- 'Yay.'
- 'Whoo.'

'Yee-haw.'

'Ya-hoo.'

'Yee-haw.'

Whoa!

'One more time!'

'You were terrific.'

Yeah!

- I'm havin' a great time!
- I think we'd better go.

Oh, look!
Oh, it's a sleigh!

Oh, I've always wanted
to ride one of those.

I bet you could drive it.

- It's not ours.
- I know it's not.

But we could borrow it,
couldn't we?

I mean, couldn't we borrow it.
Come on.

Come on, oh, come on.
Let's do it.

- Get in.
- Alright!

Elizabeth!

Elizabeth!

Where the hell is Elizabeth?
Huh?

Would somebody..
Will you stop that?

Will somebody please go
and find me Elizabeth?

She said she'd be right back,
and right back means right back!

Never mind! Never mind!

I'll go find her myself.

Nobody's.. Never mind!

Oh!

Mr. Prescott.
We weren't expecting you.

- This is an important show.
- Mm-hmm, yes.

Do you have a problem with the
head of the network being here?

Are you kidding?
Not at all. Come on in.

- Please.
- Where's Elizabeth?

Elizabeth is in wardrobe.

But why don't we go
and take a look

at some of the production values

that are going to be insipid
in the show?

You're gonna love
what you're gonna see tonight.

It's really gonna be
a magnificent show.

What..
Thank you so much.

Is that makeup
you're wearing?

No, no, no, I don't wear..
Oh, we-well yes, it is.

You see, I-I'm playing
Elizabeth's husb..

No, I'm not..

I'm not playing as husband.

I-I am Elizabeth's husband.

- You're Elizabeth's husband?
- Yeah, yes, I am.

I thought his name
was John Blane.

W-well, i-i-it is.

You see, I changed, uh, my name

for professional reasons.

You know?
You know how it is.

- That's quite a surprise, Alex.
- Hm, yeah.

I don't like surprises.

Come on.

Are you laughing at me?

Oh, no.

No, believe me,
if I'm laughing at anyone

it's at Elizabeth Blane.

Why?

Oh, she's so smart, you know?

I mean,
she knows all the answers.

She gets herself
into a real mess

and just hasn't got the moral
courage to get herself out.

What kind of mess?

The kind other people
wouldn't understand.

Does it have anything
to do with your...marriage?

In a way.

You're not very happy, are you?

Happy as I have any right to be.

Don't say that.

You deserve all the happiness
you can get.

I do?

We'd better turn around.

Wait.

Do you hear that?
Do you hear it?

Those are the bells.

Those are the Christmas bells.

Listen.

Merry Christmas.

Merry Christmas, yourself.

Kevin, don't touch that.

I said,
don't touch that cake, you.

'I must've looked at it
before you.'

They're not on the grounds.

This is not like Elizabeth.

Maybe they got into an accident!

I'm sure
they're gonna be fine.

Just one lick.

I gotta go find her.

And whatever you do,
don't let Alex in this kitchen.

Because if he finds out
I'm gone..

'But wait, I'll be,
I'll be back in plenty of time.'

Don't worry,
I'll take care of Alex.

Okay.

- Will you get out of my way?
- You talkin' to me?

Are you deaf? Move!

You talkin' to me?

Ain't nobody else here.

You must be talking to me.

No! No, no,
I wasn't talking to you.

Come on. Come on. Turn!

'Okay.'

Let's just, let's just,
for a moment

uh, make-believe that..

...I'm not who you think I am.

What do you mean?

Okay. What if I didn't
live in Connecticut?

Well, you do.

'Yeah, but what if that house'

'back there wasn't my house'

'and that family
wasn't my family and..'

...Elizabeth Blane,
the homemaker

that all America loves
wasn't even..

...married...at all?

Well, you are married
and that's the point.

And I don't think
you oughta be fooling around

with somebody's feelings
like this.

See, you're not listening to me.

Okay.

What if I wasn't
the Elizabeth Blane

that you think you know?

I don't care
about that Elizabeth Blane.

I never even heard of her
until they asked me

to do this damn show.

What do you mean
you never heard? You..

Wait a minute.

You've never heard of me?

I read one of your books
on the plane

because I was
getting so much money

I figured
I oughta do my homework.

You mean that you came here
just because of..

Mm-hmm.

This is not funny.

You only came here
for the money?

'And you, and you've never read
one of my books. Is that right?'

Have you?

It means you're nothing
but a big phony, right?

That doesn't change the fact
that you're a married woman.

Just let me tell you what's
really going on, okay? I am..

Freeze!

Stealing my sleigh,
and on Christmas too.

We didn't steal your sleigh.
That's not what happ...

I suppose
the horse kidnapped you.

- Took you on a six mile ride.
- Well...

Put your hands where I can see
'em. You're both under arrest.

- Oh, come on.
- Come on, you foreheads.

- Get 'em up.
- You what?

'Well, look at this.'

Let me have a look at it.
Let me see. Yeah.

What kind of a show
are you running here?

- What's going on here?
- Don't worry.

- She'll be here.
- And where is Elizabeth?

I don't know.
Where is she?

Every one of those people
are on the clock!

Well, don't worry.
It's alright.

The local police wish you
a happy holiday.

Two hundred dollar ticket.
Yes, I'm fine.

Well, welcome home, darling.
You're on in five minutes!

- 'Oh, she's here.'
- So are you.

- Where is she coming from?
- But that's alright.

She's here now. Five minute..
Four minutes.

Let me take you
to the control room.

You'll love this place.

- Come along. Come here.
- 'Make up. Hair.'

'And welcome to the live
special presentation'

'of "Christmas in Connecticut."'

'Staring Elizabeth Blane'

'and her real-life family..'

Okay, we need the title card up.

'...by America's favorite hero'

'Jefferson Jones.'

'And now, here is your hostess,
Elizabeth Blane!'

Merry Christmas and welcome.

I'm Elizabeth Blane
and this is my home.

I'm so glad you could
all join us tonight.

We're going to have
a wonderful time.

'So I just want you
to all but sit back'

relax and enjoy
a good old-fashioned

'"Christmas in Connecticut."'

'You know, for so many years'

'you've heard me
talk about my family'

now, I'm just delighted
I get to introduce them to you.

Okay, here we go. We're going
to pull out. Alright.

Here's this beautiful
little pudge-face

my granddaughter, Melissa.

Ah, look at that, huh?

'My very handsome son-in-law,
Evan.'

And my beautiful daughter, Mary
who isn't here.

- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- 'Where's Mary?'

What's.. "Where's Mary?"
Wait.

What does she mean,
"Where's Mary?"

Oh, I just remembered.

I sent her out
to get some marshmallows.

Alright, alright, never mind,
never mind, never mind.

- She saved it.
- She went out to look for you.

Oh! Ha-ha-ha!

This little rascal
is my grandson..

Kevin,
wipe your face, dear.

Yes, later, I'm going
to make his favorite.

- 'Chocolate coconut angels.'
- Wait. wait, wait, too fast.

- Hold on. Just a second.
- I don't feel so good.

You don't, darling?
Well, I hope you do later.

Because we want
to save some room

for that goose,
don't we, darling?

Oh! Here's my loving husband,
John. Ha-ha-ha.

John. Hello, sweetheart.

How are you doing, darling?

- Uh, h-h-honey, what's, uh..
- What?

W-w-what's for d-din..

- 'Oh.'
- 'D-din.. Oh.'

Yes, tell something.
Say something! Speak!

Oh, sweetheart,
I want you to relax.

All the millions of people
that are watching out there

are our friends. Now..

Joel, I have no idea
what's going on.

Why don't you tell them all
about your special recipe

for the Blane family eggnog?

- Nog?
- "Nog?"

- What does "Nog" mean? What..
- The nog. He's sweet.

Darling, you know, later
we were gonna, we were gonna

pop some popcorn
the old-fashioned way.

We have a popper over here,
we have a fire.

Darling,
why don't we do that now?

Just sit down here.

Just wait and relax.

I think I'm gonna throw up.

Yes, dear, we know.

Why don't we all go
into the kitchen

and see how dinner is going?

- What? What is she doing?
- 'Wait, what?'

- This is.. I..
- 'Go to three.'

- Give me a shot of the kid.
- 'Yeah, three.'

'Oh, boy. Okay.'

Look, I don't need to see
a shot of the kid throwing up!

Come on!
This is live television.

- 'All that wonderful food.'
- Out of the way! Go, go, go!

- Doesn't it smell nice?
- But that kitchen's not ready!

Tell the people in the kitchen
to get out of there!

...smell those yummy things
in here, can't you?

- Give me another camera.
- 'I dare you to.'

- 'Come around, or lose that.'
- 'Alright, here we are.'

- In live kitchen.
- I can't believe this!

You see, a meal like this
takes a lot of preparation.

But fortunately,
we've had so much time..

...to prepare
all this beautiful food.

Isn't it lovely?
Raw broccoli.

Don't you just love the snap
and crackle of that?

Let's check on our golden goose.

- 'It's your shot, Jerry.'
- What?

Well, it's not golden.

But it's white.

I think what's happened is..

...the stove is broken.

Don't you just hate that when
that happens on the holidays?

I tell you.

Do you have any idea

what it would cost to have

a repairman come out here
and fix this stove on Christmas?

But never mind. Ha-ha.

You came here to see me cook.

I'm gonna cook for you.

What is she doing?
Why is she doing this to me?

Did she just wake up
this morning and decided

"I think I'll kill my career
on national television?"

Oh!

Oh!

You know, folks, sometimes

the best things in life

are the simplest, you know?

I mean,
this is as good as it gets.

- Christmas flapjacks.
- 'Oh. boy.'

- Excuse me?
- Christmas flapjacks.

Oh, a Blane tradition, you know?

I have been cooking flapjacks
for this family..

I've been cooking flapjacks
for this family

since I had this family.

Oh, but wait.
A knock at the door.

Do you know who that is?

That's our special guest

Jefferson Jones..

Get the, get the cameraman
out of the door.

Clear the door, please.
Cue the Mountie.

'...who risked his life
in a blizzard.'

A blizzard, to save
little Billy Futterman.

Let's welcome him. Coming!

Hey, Jeff! Come on in.

Look at you!
Whoa, love your hat.

Wasn't my idea.

'Welcome to my kitchen, Jeff.'

"No, I came all the way
from Colorado."

Oh, you did?
Well, isn't that nice?

"What's.."

"What's that terrific smell?"

- "A Christmas goose?"
- No, not quite.

- Not exactly.
- "My favorite."

Oh, I'm so glad.

Oh, I'm, I'm just here
making up flapjacks.

My Christmas flapjacks,
which is a tradition..

Why don't you
just sit down over here

and talk to me
while I cook?

"There's nothing better
than a big family Christmas."

That's right, Jefferson.

That's why it's so nice
to get together

with people like you
so you can catch up

on everything
that's been happening.

Why don't you tell me
about your home in Colorado?

- It burned down.
- Oh, that's right.

It burned down. I forgot.
How thoughtless of me.

No wonder you're so confused.

I'm confused?

What the hell
is she talking about?

I've no idea
what she's talking about.

- 'Joel, go to commercial.'
- Will you..

Someone please tell Ms. Blane
to go to commercial!

Got to commercial?
Alright.

Go to commercial. Cut.

Oh, you know, this batter..

This batter looks wonderful.

Why don't we take, uh,
just a short break here?

And when we come back

we'll see how these
flapjacks turn out.

- And we're clear.
- Alright, where's the food?

Wait a minute.
Don't anybody move.

Just hold it.

Where is the food?

- Where is all the food?
- 'We haven't seen it.'

How am I supposed to..

The food's not done.
Where is Josie? Josie!

'Josie wouldn't do this to me,
she wouldn't leave me here.'

No, I don't want the phone!
Get out! You're fired!

Wait. Get me some coffee,
and then you're fired.

Where is the food?
Will somebody answer me?

How am I supposed to go on?
There is no cooked food!

Aren't you supposed to cook it?

You still don't get it, do you?

Listen to me.

My life is falling apart

in front of millions of people
on live television.

In an hour, there's not
gonna be any Elizabeth Blane.

There's not gonna be..
Alex! Alex!

Hey! We've had a few
technical problems!

- You're a pro!
- Alex, you are insane!

Now I want you
to call this off right now.

Alex?
I thought his name was John.

- Call it off now, Alex.
- Listen to me.

- I mean it.
- Listen to me!

I'm not gonna let you throw
away 20 years of a good thing

because some goose isn't cooked.

I know you can do it.

- I want you to call this...
- Listen to me!

I want you to go out there
and be the real Elizabeth Blane.

Do it!

I invented you.

'This is prime time live.'

If this works,
there are specials, movies.

We'll be rolling
in everything.

And we'll be able
to do this together

for the rest of our lives.

Elizabeth,
I want you to go out there

and give me
the real Elizabeth Blane.

You're great.
Do it. Do it.

We're back in ten seconds.
Places, people!

'...what she's gonna do?'

- 'Calm down. Calm down.'
- 'Alright. Here we go.'

Jefferson,
when you quit your job

to go live in the woods,
were you scared?

- Yeah, but it was worth it.
- 'Everyone quiet.'

- And we're back!

Come on. Come on, babe. Just
pull it together.

That's all you gotta do.
Just pull it together.

Uh, I'm..

I've been told that the purpose
of this program

is to show you
the real Elizabeth Blane

and how
she spends her Christmas.

Well, the last place
I would be is in the kitchen.

So...follow me.

'Well, Joel, you could become
a producer. I might as well..'

'What am I watching here?
This is just..'

'Well, just tell me what to do,
Joel. I don't know...'

Whatever she's got..
Just, just wherever she goes.

- I don't know!
- Hurry up. Hurry up!

Let's go.
Keep the boom up.

Make way for me. Excuse me.

Well, here we are
in my living room

except this isn't
my living room.

This isn't even my house.

Uh, you see,
we're in Connecticut

but I live in New York.

You do?

In fact, it isn't even snowing.

Jeff, would you please show
everyone

at home what's behind
curtain number..

Oh, you don't know
what curtain number one is.

'That, that window over there.
Pull back the curtain.'

- What's she doing?
- Listen, I have no idea.

'Take a look at this.'

'See? It's fake snow.'

Alright. Go ahead.
Thrill me. What's next?

Actually, now what
I'd like to do is, I'd like to

introduce you to all the people
who help make this possible.

- Do something.
- Okay?

- Honey, look who's here.
- Yes.

- The carolers, at the door.
- Oh. How lovely.

This man over here
is not my son-in-law.

- 'Get out of my way.'
- 'His name is Tyler.'

Open that door!
Alright, everybody in! In!

Let's get dressed
and get ready to sing!

Look at that face.
He's an actor.

This is your moment, so show 'em
what you can do, Tyler.

Go ahead. You're on.

'You're all getting $12 apiece
and your mother's getting..'

Hi. I am available
and seeking new representation.

- What is he doing?
- I can do romance.

'Oh, stand that shot.
Yeah, that's good.'

"Oh, that I were a glove
upon that hand

"that I might touch that cheek..

- He's .. He's, he's..
- It's okay, it's okay.

- Is this acting?
- Put your coats on.

Put a smile on your face.
Let me take a look at you.

"The sounds of bones
crunching in the moonlight..

"Keep me awake, awake..
Awake.

Because I can't believe
what I'm seeing!

Because what I'm seeing
is death.

- Do you hear me? I'm seeing...
- 'Excuse me, Joel.'

What? Don't ever touch me!
Don't ever touch me!

Alright, everybody, get ready.
Sing! Sing!

♪ Of holly

♪ Fa la la la la

♪ La la la la la

♪ La la la la la

Let's go, everybody.

This isn't my granddaughter.

I mean, God forbid, at my age
I should be a grandmother?

'Give me a break.'

Come on in!
The door is open!

And this little guy over here

that's not Kevin,
that's Anthony.

♪ La la la la la la la la la

♪ Deck the halls
with boughs of holly ♪

Louder!
Come on, give it to me!

'This is a live set!
You can't..'

Carnegie Hall waits!

I.. We just came to pick up
the kids.

Oh, great!
This is too much.

These people are the real
parents of the baby and Kevin.

- Mom! Dad!
- No!

And the tree's fallen over,
of course.

Of course!
Why would it remain standing?

Don't you worry about it.
I hated this tree anyhow.

This fake, old pink thing.

I didn't like it.
Oh, Norah, come and help!

Jeff, where's our tree?

We actually have
a Christmas tree

where we went out
and cut one down.

- Jeff..
- I hate that green tree.

They're putting in
that green tree.

They got rid of the pink.

'Believe me, it all worked
in the rehearsal.'

'I can't believe this.'

- Josie!
- 'Oh, here she is.'

I'm sorry, Liz.

No, Josie,
don't be silly.

- This is Josie.
- Let me guess.

- She's not her daughter.
- And she is not my daughter.

Okay? She's my assistant.
I wanna tell you something.

She's probably the best damn
cook in the whole wide world.

You know,
all those wonderful dishes

that everybody thinks I make..

...this lady makes.
Thanks, Josie.

- Wow. So what have we got here?
- We're done.

- I mean, we've got fake snow.
- No, you're done.

- 'Fake house, fake Christmas.'
- Oh, no.

But the biggest fake
of all is me.

I'm really sorry.
I never meant it to go this far.

- 'I don't believe this.'
- But you see?

I can't cook.

- What?
- I'll kill you!

I can't believe you,
you're doing this to me!

- The only thing I know how to..
- Stop!

Don't go on!
April fool.

- No, it's not.
- April fool, everybody.

- It's not April fool. No.
- No, no, it's not true.

She's the greatest cook
that ever was.

She's lying.
She's going off her head.

Alex, it's over...

She hasn't taken her medication.

- Let go of her.
- Hey, listen, Hee-haw...

Ow!

'Mister Jefferson!'

Hey! Alright,
he punched him in the face!

Ha-ha! Hey, hey,
move in, move in, move in!

Get a close up on that.
I wanna see his bruise.

I wanna see bleeding
if there's any.

Will you cut the cameras?

Get away from me!
It's over! Finished!

My hero. Ha-ha!
What have you done?

This is a whole new
kind of behavior from you.

- Ha-ha-ha!
- That's it!

Alex, you're fired!

You're fired! You're fired!
You're fired!

This is beautiful!
Hey, you're fired! You're fired!

Get out! Get out!
You're fired! Everyone's fired.

Now tell me, please

he's not really your husband.

I'm not married.

Elizabeth, you're fired!

You! I don't even know
who you are, but you're fired.

You're fired!
Out of here, everyone!

Get out! You're all fired!

- Ha-ha-ha!
- Out!

Oh, yes.
Move in, move in, move in!

- You're sure?
- I'm sure.

- 'Hey!'
- 'Aw!'

That is..
That's what I want. Yes.

- We regret to say that we are..
- What?

They yanked us?

I can't believe they cut us off!

No! I can't believe you!

Hm..

Well, cooking's really easy

when you just follow
the directions, isn't it?

You could come practice
your cooking in Colorado.

Oh, I'd love to do that, but..

...I'm, I'm
just a city girl, really.

Who's that?

- Oh, no.
- Elizabeth..

- Elizabeth, just hear me out.
- Why?

The ratings were unprecedented.

The network has been
flooded with calls.

- Oh, no.
- This is big!

I fired you, Alex. Shut up!

Elizabeth,
you would be an important part

of our television family.

I'm not interested.

I'm prepared to offer you twice

what we paid you before.

Won't you come in,
Mr. Prescott?

Didn't the other network
offer you five times as much?

- Five times?
- That's right, five times.

Alex, shut up.

Elizabeth,
at least consider the offer.

If I were to consider
doing television

I'd have to do it
on my own terms, Mr. Prescott.

- No faking.
- "No More Faking."

- What a title for your book!
- 'What book?'

'You know that
"People Magazine" article?'

That could be the outline.
This could mean movies...

- 'Alex.'
- Series..

Alex..

- Shut up.
- Shut up.

Shut up.

You know what, Mr. Prescott?

We'll call you from Colorado.

Jefferson's
going to rebuild his house

and I'm going to help him.

Colorado?

Colorado.

- Bye-bye.
- But wait.

- I know I'm fired.
- Nice knowing you.

Happy New Year.

♪ There inside the oven

♪ Somethin' warm
and lovin' friends ♪

♪ Would laugh if they knew

♪ That it's true

♪ I'm cookin' for two

♪ Let's go to the kitchen

♪ I've got something fixin'

♪ Appetizing and new

♪ Here's a clue

♪ I'm cookin' for two

♪ There inside the oven

♪ Somethin' warm
and lovin' friends ♪

♪ Would laugh if they knew

♪ That is true

♪ I'm cookin' for two

♪ I was a soup for one girl

♪ Leftovers every night

♪ Ah but once
I've tasted your kisses ♪

♪ I was dining by candlelight

♪ Here's the recipe
for all the world to see ♪

♪ We take some me and some you

♪ Let it stew

♪ We're cookin' for two

♪ Leftovers every night

♪ I was dining by candlelight

♪ Here's the recipe
for all the world to see ♪

♪ We take some me and some you

♪ Let it stew

♪ We're cookin' for two-oo-oo

♪ I love you

♪ We're cookin' for two