Christmas Staycation (2020) - full transcript
When a family can't be together on Christmas, they bring their dysfunctional family Christmas online. Alice Gloomgardy waits until Christmas Eve morning to tell her father that she won't be home for Christmas. She then finds out her two siblings also waited until the last minute to tell their dad. He thought all his kids were coming home this year; now he must spend Christmas alone. Alice decides to throw a Gloomgardy Zoom Party for her father and invites all of her wacky extended family. Things get complicated when her dad doesn't want to go unless she keeps three Christmas conditions. Now, Alice has less than 8 hours to pull off a virtual Christmas miracle.
- Not all dogs shed.
Most dogs even have
really clean mouths,
even cleaner than ours.
- If we still had
the downtown office,
we could park in
the lot, but no,
Glenn's decided to move the
whole operation to the suburbs.
- You can even teach dogs
to bring in the papers
so you'd never have to
leave your chair, Dad.
- There's an empty space,
here we go, here we go!
Ah, for crying out loud!
They oughta ban
foreign compact cars.
- Why don't you just
park in the lot.
For
$8? Are you crazy?
You know, the city says it's
free to go ice skating, okay?
The prices of hot chocolate
are inflated twice
that of market value,
and, and, and ice skating
rental fees are outrageous,
and they want $8 for parking?
Not from this buckaroo.
- You show 'em, Dave.
Now listen, I'm putting
all the boys downstairs
together in sleeping bags
so they can beat each other
senseless for all I care.
I swear I've never seen those
boys not punching each other.
- Now, who's in charge
of laying out this city?
That's what I'd like to know.
There's not a single
place to park anywhere.
- I put Matt and Carol
in the blue room.
Oh, and don't mention that
Carol's turning 50 this year.
She's very sensitive to that.
Oh, and do you happen to know
what Daryl got Anna
this year for Christmas?
Last year, he got
her tube socks,
so I went ahead
and sent an email
to make sure that
doesn't happen again.
- Look at this guy!
He's way over the line.
He's taking up two spaces!
- Dave, are, are
you listening to me?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Did you know that
houses with dogs
are 11% less likely
to be broken into?
It's a fact, I read it.
- I passed this lady
three times now,
and she's still going
through her purse.
Back out, let
somebody else park!
You can go through your
purse when you get home.
- I wish you would just park
the car so we can go downtown.
- Well, I'm trying
to park the car.
I've been trying to park the
car for half an hour now.
- Just park it already.
- Ah-ha, ah-ha!
What's that? You see that?
You see that, Kassandra?
What do you think of that, huh?
That's great, Dad.
- Well, you might
not think so now,
but one day when you go to
college, you'll say to yourself,
I'm here because Dad
knew how to save a buck.
Alison
just got a dog.
It's all I want for
Christmas, and I was thinking.
Kassandra,
we've talked about this.
But I
would take care of it!
- Did you see this guy?
We're not
getting a dog, Kassandra.
We've talked about this.
A dog is a big deal.
- Are you blind?
I'm parking here.
Can you believe this guy?
Unbelievable.
- Hey dummy, don't you
see I have my blinker on?
- Jerry!
- What'd you call me?
- You heard me.
- Oh, who cares, just
let him have his spot!
- Let him, let
him have the spot?
What, oh no, look at this,
he's trying to inch up.
Oh no, you don't.
- He's trying to inch back.
I don't believe this.
Dave!
- He just hit me!
- Oh, can we-
- You all saw it!
He just hit me.
- Dave, can we please just
go park in the garage!
- You just caused an
accident, you imbecile!
- Jerry, what are you doing?
- He doesn't wanna move the car?
I'll move it for him.
Dave, oh my gosh!
Oh my gosh, he's pushing on us!
Buckle up, Kassandra!
- What are you gonna do?
What are you doing?
- I didn't buy this SUV so
we could be pushed around.
- Oh, what are you-
- I'm taking the bull
by the horns-
Dave!
- And I'm protecting
our territory.
Hang on, girls!
- Oh, yeah.
Let's say goodbye to him,
too, when he goes by.
Now, you feel better?
Thank you!
Well, there you go.
You see what perseverance does?
- How exactly do you
expect me to get out?
And don't even try to tell me
to climb over to your side.
I can't believe you
parked this close.
- What were you thinking?
- Honey.
- Seriously, it's embarrassing,
what are you doing?
What are, Dave, what
are, what are you doing?
Let go of me, Dave!
- All right, who's
ready for ice skating?
- I am!
Come on
Amelia, kick the ball!
Hey, look at me!
Kick the ball!
- I'm sorry, I got a
little carried away.
- A little?
Dave, you were like
a 12-year-old boy
playing bumper cars
at the amusement park.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
- Look, tomorrow my brother
and his family come,
my sister, her husband, your
father, your brother, the kids.
The house is gonna be packed.
I just wanna have a nice
quiet evening with my family.
- Absolutely.
I will be incident-free until
New Year's, scout's honor.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Mom, can we divide rooms
up by family this year?
Well, I put you and
all your cousins together.
It's okay.
- Hey, you're hot!
- But I don't wanna share a room
with Dad's side of the family.
Who's that
guy talking to?
- What's wrong with
Dad's side of family?
They
snore, all of 'em!
- All Madisons have
sinus problems, honey.
We can't help it.
- Well, I'm a Madison,
and I don't snore.
- That's because you're a
little angel just like Mommy.
- Yeah.
- Drop the zero.
Come hang with a hero.
- Who's he talking to?
Is he talking to you?
- Let it go, Dave.
- Hey, trying to spend
Christmas here with my family,
you little hooligan!
Dave, what
did we just talk about?
- Perfectly calm.
- You know, maybe we should get
a couple of rooms
at the Holiday Inn.
We could afford it.
- What? No, no.
I want the whole family
together for the holidays.
Nobody is going to,
to the Holiday Inn.
- Yeah, but you know what
little space we have.
- Little space?
We live in a 3,000
square foot home
in one of the
nicest neighborhoods
in one of the richest
countries in the world.
You're good, babe.
- Dave, ignore it.
- Ignore what?
I didn't hear anything.
- Mom, my ankles hurt.
- Here.
Why don't you and your
mom go across the street
to Starbucks and
get a hot chocolate.
- What about you, Dad?
- No.
Gonna go pick up a
couple of quick laps,
just like Dad did in
the old college days.
- Just be careful,
that was 25 years ago.
- 24 years ago.
- Just be careful.
- Always.
Okay, hot shot.
Let's see how you like
the view from the ice.
Oh, pardon me.
You little jerk.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
Do you wanna play rough?
I can play rough.
Somebody
call the police!
- Dave!
- Son of a-
- What's the matter?
- We're struck.
- Well, try rocking it.
- You're just making
the grooves deeper.
- All right, you
drive, I'll push.
Okay, one, two, three.
Okay, I'm gonna use this board
to wedge it under the wheel,
give it something to grip on to.
When I say hit it, let it rip.
- But, Dad, there isn't any
friction under the board.
When Mom hits the gas
pedal, it's gonna go flying.
Okay.
But.
- Hang on, Kassandra.
But Mom!
- All right, let her rip.
Ah, be careful.
- Okay.
- Well, what happened, then?
- Just a little accident.
- Another accident?
Amazing, Darwin is yet to
finish the bloody fool off.
- Watch out.
- Oh.
- Ow!
- Sorry.
- I'll tell you, ever
since he was a little boy,
that Dave was always quick to
lose his temper.
Well, here we are.
It's the morning of December
22nd, and the peace and quiet
of the Madison family
home is about to end,
and the Bavarian horde
of relatives are about
to swoop in like a
level five tsunami.
This ought to be fun.
Hmm, no,
no, I don't like it.
Let's try moving the
tree by the fireplace.
Hmm.
Huh, huh?
- Mm, yeah, no. No.
You know what, let's try it,
um, let's try it over there.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- You are the slowest
driver I've ever seen.
- Maybe you should
say, thank you, Carol,
for getting to my
sister's safely.
- Look at this guy!
Look at this guy!
Are you seriously just
gonna let him cut you off?
No, no.
You know what?
Let's try moving the recliner
and putting the
tree in the corner.
I think that'll look great.
- Me, too.
- Okay.
Careful. Got it?
- Out of my way, you putz.
Come on!
- Mm, no.
- I will stop this car!
I swear to everything holy,
I will stop this car
and come back there
and then you'll be in
a world of trouble!
- Perfect.
Okay, just start the
fire and we're done.
- Dad! Dad!
Dad!
- Oh no! Dave!
David! David!
- Yeah, What?
You forgot
to open the flue!
- What?
You forgot
to open the flue!
- Get in with me.
Go ahead, girls.
Okay, go ahead, girls. Okay.
Hello, hello!
How was your trip?
- Oh awful, seven
hours and 20 minutes.
That's the longest trip ever.
- Are you okay?
- No, we're not hungry!
- What do you mean
we're not hungry?
You can't tell me
when I'm not hungry.
- I'm hungry!
- I don't care, I don't
want you in that kitchen.
They have enough to do in there.
- What kind of
toilet paper you got?
- Glad to see you.
- Hi!
- So good to see you.
- Now, this is my orange soda.
I brought one for every day.
Look, got at my name on it,
DM, Daryl McCormick.
Okay, my name's on it.
- I ain't taking off my
shoes, my feet get cold.
- I brought my footed pajamas.
- I can't work with those
single-ply nonsense.
- What kind of grown man
wears footie pajamas?
- I like to be
comfortable, okay, Matt?
Okay.
Hi!
- We're not handing out
free presents this year.
- Oh no, I'm not-
- Remember?
- Taking my shoes off, not,
this isn't Communist China.
Okay, come on, men,
let's storm the kitchen!
- Hey, uh, do me a favor.
Keys are in the jacket.
Go get my luggage,
would you? Bad back.
- Okay.
Merry
Christmas, Mister Madison.
- Merry Christmas,
Missus Madison.
So how are
you Mister Madison?
- Well, I'm still alive.
Oh, enough of this small talk.
Let's turn on the TV.
- Hey, Dad.
Yeah.
- Isn't it true that
Santa Claus is real?
- Of course he's real.
- See, told you.
- I really don't think
that making a batch
or two of cookies
is gonna hurt us.
- Cookies can be very harmful.
- I'll tell you what.
We'll go to the gym on
December 26th and burn it off.
What do you say?
- It's not just
the calories, Mom.
There's also the
long term effects
of over-exposure to sugar,
which can change your
insulin sensitivity
and you could get diabetes.
- I don't think we're in
any real danger of that.
- Well, maybe not.
But it can also cause
tooth decay, anxiety,
and a depressed feeling after
you crash from a sugar high.
No, thank you.
- Kassandra, come
on, he's doing it!
- Gotta go, Mom.
Brandon's gonna prove
that Santa Claus is real.
- Have fun!
- Here's part one
of my experiments
to prove that Santa
Claus is real.
All right, I want you
guys to wait out here
and witness me going
into the house.
Everyone else is already inside.
What's that for?
- In case I get I get
stuck in the chimney,
my brothers can pull me out.
- Ah, smart.
- Here we go.
- What's that for?
- Brandon tied it
around his waist
so if he gets stuck
we can pull him down.
- Ah, smart!
- Brandon's no dummy.
- Come on Brandon,
you can do it.
- I'm stuck!
Help, help!
Help, I'm stuck, help, help!
Help!
- Guys, pull!
- Cookies!
- Cookies are ready.
- Well, what about Brandon?
If
we don't get there fast,
Dad and Uncle
Ben'll eat them all.
- Mm, cookies.
We'll see about that.
- Um, where's Brandon?
Ooh!
- Uh, kids, have you
seen your cousin Brandon?
- Brandon!
- Well, I hope you
guys are happy.
You could've killed Brandon!
Go inside, all of you.
And no cookies!
- I see your children
are misbehaving again.
- He's just a boy, Wesley.
- A halfwit boy who's gonna
grow up to be a halfwit man.
A lump of coal and
a good spanking,
that's what you'd get
for Christmas were
I were your father.
I'd be doing you
a favor, too, boy.
- Basement, shower, go.
And don't touch anything
on your way down.
Dave!
Dave!
Have you seen Dave?
Where? All right.
- Think he's around
here somewhere.
- Oh, oh, Mister
Madison, your shoes.
- Just a little coffee please.
- Dave!
Dave?
- Huh, huh?
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- I cut a hole on the floor
so I could go ice fishing.
What does it look
like I'm doing?
I'm taking a nap.
- Why?
- Because I'm tired, Sandy.
- What do you have
to be tired about?
I spent all morning cooking.
I've been following your father
and his melting shoes
around the house with a mop.
And I just helped
the fire department
fish Brandon out of the chimney.
- Chimney?
- Now I need you to
shovel the driveway.
- Why?
- Because
there's snow on it, David.
- And?
- And everybody's parked
out on the street,
and we have a
perfectly big driveway.
And if you just shovel it,
then everybody can put
in to the driveway.
- What do you care
if people are parked
in the street or the driveway?
- Get out of that bed!
- Fine!
Fine!
- Hey!
Hey!
Hey, how much for the driveway?
- 50 bucks.
- Ah, come on that's a little...
All right.
- You want the walk done, too?
- Well, yeah, the walk,
the porch, the driveway,
the whole thing.
- 60.
- Ah, come on.
- Come on, boys, lets go.
- All right, fine.
60 bucks.
- All right, get to
work, come on, go. Here.
- Oh, you know what?
My neighbor's pushing 80.
So do his for me, too.
- Okay.
- I mean, hey.
It's the big guy's
birthday, right?
- What is it?
- Christmas.
- Oh, Merry Christmas.
- This one and the
one next door, okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, and, uh, hey, don't ring
the bell when you're done.
I'll be watching
and I'll come out.
Okay.
Hey, come on slackers,
get your back into it.
Go ahead and throw a whole
shovelful on your brother.
You need to
add 3/4 cup of sugar
and a pinch of ginger.
No, you only need
1/2 a cup of brown sugar
and a dash, not a pinch,
a dash of cinnamon.
- Attention!
Attention!
In five minutes, we
will finally be done
baking cookies for the year.
- Psst.
Psst!
- Dave, what are
you doing, buddy?
- Hey!
- Shut up, shut up!
I need your room.
- My room? What for?
- Stop asking questions.
Just keep Carol busy for about
an hour so I can take a nap.
- I don't no.
Sounds like we'll
get in trouble.
- Yeah, What's in it for us?
- How about a free
home, free food,
and use of my big screen TV?
- Nah, I already got that.
- Yeah.
- Fine, Christmas dinner,
you can have the turkey legs.
It's my house, but you
can have the drumsticks.
- Deal.
- Oh, we'll cover you.
- All right.
- We'll go right now.
- These hot?
- Hey, no touching.
- What are you doing?
- I'm starving.
- Daryl, get out.
- Matt, not now.
No, no!
- Matt, take it off.
- I'm hungry.
Hey wait, that's for
Christmas dinner.
- I said go!
- I just never seen
you in the kitchen.
- Get out of here.
- Go away.
- Just go!
- It can't be done,
you'd have to have a
super human stomach.
- Of course it can.
What about that
little Chinese guy
that eats all the hot dogs?
- That's true.
My dad and me saw it on TV.
He ate 68 hot dogs
in only ten minutes.
- Yeah see, that's
just in ten minutes.
Santa has all night
to eat cookies.
- That's it, that's
the last batch.
We are finally and officially
done baking cookies.
- Yeah.
- Well, even if he ate
one cookie at every house,
it would still be like
thousands of cookies.
- Okay, I'll prove it to you.
Bring me all the
cookies in the house,
and a big glass of milk.
- Ooh, it must be good.
Driveway's all shoveled.
- Thank you, dear.
Okay everybody, cars
in the driveway please.
Matt, Daryl, come on move it.
Hey Ben, hear me over there.
Let's go, cars in
the driveway please.
Mister Madison, would you like
me to move your car for you?
- I'll drive my own darn car.
- Hey guys.
Okay, that's a $120 I owe you.
- Let's see, it's
$60 for this house.
$60 for your house, that's uh,
you have a pen and
a piece of paper?
- No, I don't.
But it's a 120.
- Or you could just
give me $60 twice.
- I could, that's true.
But I'd rather not
write two checks.
- Oh no no no checks.
- Excuse me?
- Cash only.
I don't have $120 in cash on me.
- You got $60, twice?
- Look, we're not gypsies.
Our house isn't going anywhere.
I'm not gonna write
you a bad check.
- Cash only.
You gonna have to go
to one of those ATMs.
- Look, my car is in the garage.
I'm backed in.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- We'll take my car.
Come on boys, let's go.
Move it.
All right kids, load it up
we're going to the bank.
You go to college?
- University of Michigan.
- Waste of time.
They don't teach you
anything but socialism there.
I'm Earl.
- Dave.
- Hey Dave, you look
like a real smart fellow.
- Well, I appreciate that.
- I might just
have an opportunity
for you to make some real money.
My half brother,
he's also my cousin,
he's into that
multilevel marketing.
I'd like to get the two
of you guys together.
In a room, together.
- How does this thing work?
I always go inside.
- You put in your PIN.
- PIN? I don't know my PIN.
- You just type it in.
- I don't know what it is.
- Why don't you call your wife?
- There's no way I could
possibly explain this.
Look, will you
just take a check?
- No, no, I can't take a check.
I'll tell you what,
me and the boys here,
we need some groceries.
Why don't we hop back in
the van, we'll go shopping.
You can pay for it.
- Fine.
- Okay, come on boys.
- Where are you going?
- Grocery store.
- Grocery store's over there.
- Yeah I like the
9th Bridge Market.
- Where is that?
- Across town.
Won't take more
than 20-25 minutes.
- Oh, good.
- Brandon!
What happened to him?
Well, somebody knows, speak.
- Look at these hot
dogs, they all beef?
- I don't know, I
don't work here.
- How much longer are
we going to be here?
- We're gonna be here
till we're done shopping.
Now why don't you go run around
get something to eat? Go.
I wonder if these are all beef.
You know, this place used
to be beer and bait shop?
Now it's all fancy
shnancy pantsy.
Maybe we oughta go back to the
store you were talking about.
- We're not going to
another market, Earl.
You wanted to come here.
We're here.
- All right, all
right, all right.
You mind pushing?
What in the world
is a Swedish fish?
You have big plans
for Christmas day?
Earl, your kids are eating
candy and drinking soda.
- Yeah, I know, I'd suppose
I oughta feel guilty.
- Or may be stop them?
But it's Christmas!
They wanna get all hopped
up on sugar one time a year,
it's okay by me, you want
them to bring you a chocolate?
- No, thank you.
- Soda?
- Am all set, Earl!
I think we're at the 120.
None for me either,
I'm on the Atkins diet now.
All protein, baby.
- 137 dollars and 28 cents.
- You got $17.
- Let's just call it gas money.
- Gas money?
- What, I drove.
Hey, do you know if those
hot dogs are all beef?
- Don't answer that question,
just put it in the
bag, we'll take 'em.
Thank you.
There you go.
Here you go 137 and 28 cents.
Where have you been?
- I was just-
- Brandon ate all the cookies.
Six batches, every
single one of them.
- Six batches?
- Yeah, they just took
him to the hospital.
Carol went with him.
You know I was yelling for you,
Dave? Dave?
But of course,
you were nowhere to be found.
- Well, I was just-
- Well, you were what?
- I was just shoveling
Mister Nicolas' driveway.
You know, he's almost 80.
It's the holidays.
- Oh, honey.
- So I figured why not help him?
- Sweetie, that
is so nice of you.
Oh honey, I'm sorry, sorry.
I'm gonna have to make
some more cookies, now.
Oh, you know what?
Here's the list of ingredients.
I'm gonna need you to go to
the 9th Bridge Market for me.
Thanks.
- Ah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, you got me.
Boy, your quiet.
Don't let Missus Claus
find out about this.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, yes.
Between them, the
Rockford Fire Department
having to rescue Brandon
from the chimney,
and Dave being dragged
all over town by Earl?
Well, the Madison
family's had quite a day.
Let's see what kind of mischief
they get into on
the 23rd, shall we?
- I will now prove to
you that it is possible,
given enough speed and reindeer
power, to make a sled fly.
- Dave, are you
watching the kids?
- Dave's fixing the toilet.
- Hike, come on hike,
go, go, go.
- Oh my gosh, Brandon.
Thank you.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Dave.
- Why are you in my kitchen?
- Your kitchen?
This is my house.
- What do you want, Dave?
No, that food is for dinner.
- Dave, we're busy.
- Which of this
food is for lunch?
What is this, Yom Kippur,
am I supposed to
fast until sundown?
- Get out of the kitchen.
You are making a mess.
- Go!
- It's supposed to be
for everyone, Dave.
- Dad, I'm going out for
some lunch, You wanna come?
- No, the girls fixed
me a little soup.
- What?
You made dad soup?
Stay out
of the kitchen, Dave.
- Fine!
- Hey, Uncle Dave, get him!
Give me some.
- You better run.
- Grandpa Madison?
- Oh, hi Kassandra.
Grandpa Madison, do
you believe in Santa?
- Of course I do.
- What about for bad children?
- Let me tell you a
little secret, Kassandra.
There are no bad children.
- What if I mailed this
letter to Santa today?
Do you think he'd
get it on time?
- No, I don't think he would.
- Oh, okay, thanks Grandpa.
- However, if you
gave me the letter,
I might be able to give
it to him personally.
You see, when you live
as long as I have,
you know am awful lot
of important people.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- All right.
All right, you two,
up, out of here,
get your cars, you
got me parked in.
- Where you going
Mister Madison?
- To a place where people
mind their own darn business.
- I think we're okay here, dad.
I mean we got the TV
on, we got snacks,
and we're wearing slippers.
- All right, long hair
fat boy, out of here.
- Mister Madison, hey my car
is at the end of the driveway.
Why don't you borrow mine?
- I'm not driving any
little foreign pansy car.
I drive a Cadillac
like a real man.
All right, this conversation
is over, out of here.
- Yeah.
- Nope.
"Dear Santa,
all I want for Christmas and
my birthday this year is a dog.
Well, I would also
like peace on earth
and good health
to all my family,
including Grandpa
Madison, who is old,
and my Grandma,
who I loved, died.
But I also really want a dog.
I don't even care what kind.
I would be nice to it,
and take it on lots of walks.
I promise.
I don't even need any
other toys or anything.
Love, Kassandra.
PS, I have been very,
very good this year."
Okay, okay Kassandra.
- Geez, it's like the
OK Corral in here.
- Yup, been in line 45 minutes.
What you're gonna do?
It's Christmas, it's
the only place open.
- How many your party?
- One.
- No, one, sorry.
You come back new year.
- Excuse me?
- It's too busy,
three or four people table.
- Well, there's a little
piece of information
I could have used
about an hour ago.
- Next please.
- No, next please.
I want a table.
- We'll sit with you.
- Yeah, me and Fred here.
Fred's my man.
We'll all sit
together, it'll be fun.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Oh, little nip?
- No, I don't.
Thank you though.
- Fred and I just
met on Tuesday.
Okay.
- Yeah, we're living together.
- All right.
- So what do you
think about that?
- Well, it's truly none of my,
look, you two are adults,
you do what you like.
- Come on.
Stop being so shy.
He's so shy.
- Well, okay.
You say that you're
living together.
What do you mean?
You're living together
in the same house?
Or do you mean, you're living
together in the same room?
Bed, et cetera.
- Hey now, you know what?
Shame on you.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, it's not something
you ask a lady at
the dinner table.
- Well, may we should not
talk about any of this.
- You know what,
maybe we should.
Why don't you guys
discuss it all evening.
So I can finish
my plate of food.
You know what, my
night's ruined.
Thanks.
- You know,
just between you and me,
I'm really glad you're
here to see that.
'Cause I think he's way more
into me than I'm into him.
He's just threatened by you.
- Guys.
I feel like, I owe
you guys an apology.
I've had a lot on my mind.
- No, Fred, don't.
- No, it's okay, honey.
We're family, and I
want you to know this.
Look man, my buddy
in the war, he,
he got bird flu.
It's messing me up man.
It's messing me up.
- Oh, separate checks please.
- No separate check.
- Hey, I'm gonna pay for her.
- Fine, whatever.
- You know what hon, it's on us.
It was our pleasure.
- You're so sweet.
Isn't he just the sweetest?
- Okay then, my lunch was 5.99.
Here's 20, just give me 10
back and I'll be on my way.
Don't worry about
it man, like I said,
I got her covered.
- Yeah, however, the
two of you divided
is between the two of you.
Just give me 10 back.
- Ah, let's see.
You know what, here.
There you go.
- What is this?
This is like two,
three dollars.
- Don't worry about it.
I don't need any change.
- It's not enough Fred.
- Hey, what are you doing?
No, I ate, put your purse away.
Woman you're embarrassing me.
I told you, we got this.
- Hi, Santa.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you.
Ho ho ho, Mister Madison,
Merry Christmas sir.
- I know you?
- I know you.
I've known you since
you were a little boy.
- You don't know jack.
- I see you while
you're sleeping.
- What are you after, a fat lip?
- Aisle seven.
- What's that?
- What you're looking
for, from the letter.
Don't get one of
those small ones.
The ankle biters, she
doesn't want that.
- How do you know what?
- Aisle seven, huh?
Aisle seven.
- Yeah, okay, merry.
- Merry Christmas to you, sir.
- Yeah, sure.
- Kassandra, get dressed please.
- I am dressed.
I'm not naked mom.
- Stop reading, and put
on the dress and tights
I laid out for you.
- What for?
- Your father's
office holiday party.
- No, no, no mom, no!
- Kassandra, don't start.
- But I was gonna go
to the dog park today.
- Well, you can go to the
dog park another time.
I need you
to get ready.
- I hate dad's office parties.
- It's not that bad.
- Yeah, but that weird old guy
always talks to me
about stock profiles.
- Mister Drummers talks to
everybody about his stock.
You know, you wouldn't
be such an easy target
if you would just get
up out of that chair.
Why don't you ever play
with the other kids?
- Because Kyle is just gonna
spill food on me again.
I just know it.
- Honey, it's not that likely
it's gonna happen
two years in a row.
- Promise me dad
won't sing again.
♪ On the sixth
day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
- Kim.
- I don't know.
- Come on, just say the first
thing that comes to your mind.
Kim, Kim, Kim.
- Two martinis.
♪ Six cherry martinis ♪
♪ Five migrant workers ♪
♪ That are ready to
replace all us lazy bums ♪
- Thanks boss.
- I can only dream.
♪ Four exotic dancers ♪
Woo.
♪ Three jumbo loans that
are almost ready to close ♪
- How does he come up
with those on the spot?
♪ Two French kisses ♪
Woo.
♪ One more French kiss ♪
- Get back over here!
Woo.
♪ Two French kisses that
had to be from my wife ♪
Everyone.
♪ And the female
undergarment in a pear tree ♪
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- You try to short it
but the market goes up.
You can't win.
Some people say
buy the blue chips.
But who knows?
I prefer the tech
stocks, NASDAQ.
Long term options,
that's the way to go.
Make money if you're buying,
you make money if
you're selling.
Most people don't understand
the stock market like I do.
But have I always been a winner?
No, of course not.
Sometimes you take a hit.
♪ Ten bottles of Jack ♪
♪ Nine ladies dancing ♪
♪ Eight maids milking my big- ♪
David!
What? Henry's
the one who said it.
Well, you don't
need to keep repeating it!
♪ Seven ♪
I think that's
enough with the singing, Dave.
- That is great.
My lower back is killing me.
Ooh.
Doing one house was okay.
But doing Mister Nicolas's too.
That really put my back out.
- Well, it was such
a nice thing to do.
Now you just lay still,
and let me take care of you.
- Hey.
- What?
- Maybe later, we could?
- Mmm, maybe we could.
Who?
It's almost 10 o'clock.
Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Hurry up.
- Okay, I will.
- Hello.
- Well, hi.
Dave left his gloves
in my car yesterday.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
- No, no, no, Dave hired me
to shovel out your driveway
and your neighbor's
driveway yesterday.
- Oh, really?
David!
- Hi, David.
Hey buddy, yeah you left your
gloves in my car yesterday.
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, Earl.
- Couch!
- The couch is
gonna hurt my back.
- Good.
- It's the morning of
the 24th of December.
It's a big day.
So just sit back,
enjoy the story.
I got a few more
hours of bell ringing
then I got a lot of work to do.
Ho ho ho!
- Dave?
Dave.
- Huh?
- Dave, I need you.
- What?
- Dave.
- Oh, you are not normally
a morning type of girl.
But that's okay.
Let's roll with this, I'm game.
- No, not that, no, Dave.
Kassandra and I have some
last minute shopping to do.
We need you to drive, so you
can drop us off at the door,
while you circle around
forever for parking spot.
We're gonna need your
help carrying things too.
So come on, let's
go, out of bed.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you too.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
I'm just waiting for
the wife and kid.
I know how that
goes.
My wife, she
volunteered me for this.
- Oh yeah?
- Missus Claus.
Big into charities.
- I tell you, I
know how that goes.
How's business?
- Mostly pretty good.
And it's fun.
You get the bell,
you get the hat.
The whole nine yards.
- And the kids like you.
That's a plus.
- Your kid doesn't like you?
- She loves me.
But right now she
doesn't like me.
She wants a dog.
- Aah.
You and her mother don't?
- So I have to be
the one to say no.
You know how that goes?
- Yes, I do.
- I used to be so fun loving.
I don't feel old.
When did I become the
guy that has to say no?
Well.
When you were a boy,
you wanted toys.
But that came with a
little responsibility.
You know, pick up after
yourself, that sort of thing.
As you got older,
you wanted a child.
Bigger reward, but a
lot more responsibility.
- Sounds like you
speak from experience.
You have kids?
Yeah, you could
say that.
This time of the year pal,
boy my responsibilities,
I tell you.
- Yeah, the holidays
can be rough.
Yes, they can.
- I'm Dave.
- Kris.
- That's your real name?
- As long as I can remember.
- Don't tell me your
last name is Kringle.
- Okay, I won't.
- It's cold.
- Well, I'm a fat guy.
- That's gotta help.
Hey, you want me to get
you a coffee or something?
I'm not going anywhere.
- Oh, no no, thank you though.
- Well, if you need
anything just let me know.
- Thank you, I appreciate that.
Actually, I could
use a bathroom.
- Ho Ho Ho!
Merry Christmas!
- Is that your father?
Ho ho ho,
Merry Christmas!
- Dave?
- Ho ho ho!
- What are you doing?
- Santa had to go
to the bathroom.
- Dad, you're weird.
- Ho ho ho, Merry
Christmas everyone.
Ho ho, Merry Christmas everyone.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
- Dave!
Dave!
Dave!
It's me, Susanna.
From the Japan restaurant.
- Oh, hi.
- And you'll never
guess who's here.
Fred!
Fred, get your behind out
of the car man, it's Dave.
He's been talking and talking
and talking about you.
I'm so glad he
made a real friend.
Those other guys used to
hang out with were losers.
- Yo, bro, been trying
to call you man.
- I don't remember
giving you my number.
- You didn't, and honestly
that's made it a
little difficult.
You know how many Daves are
there in the phone book?
I dialed like a hundred of
them but then I passed out.
- He did, he was just trying
to call you like a 100 times.
- Can I please?
I literally just said that.
- Okay all right.
I'm gonna let you boys catch up,
I'm heading inside.
- She's great isn't she?
I mean, she's always
going on and on,
but how are you man?
Hey, I've got some friends,
we got a bowling league.
There's a waiting list,
but I talked to
them and got you in.
I mean you weren't
on it right away,
I had to talk to them,
but you're on it.
- Great, great, thanks.
- It is great.
Hey, what are you
doing tomorrow?
- Tomorrow is a
Christmas day, Fred.
I may be busy.
- You wanna go hunting?
I got a bunch of guns
in the truck right now.
You wanna see 'em?
- No, not now.
- I'm serious.
There's like a petting zoo,
just south of Grand Rapids.
Nobody's there right now.
We could bag 'em and tag 'em.
- Well, that sounds great Fred.
But tomorrow is Christmas
day and I think I have plans.
I'll check with the wife.
Thank you, Merry
Christmas.
- People just come up
and give you money?
- Yeah.
- Industry.
Hey, I don't mean
to be too forward,
but I'm a little light on
cash for the holidays and all.
Think you could help out?
- Warm in here, isn't it?
I want fresh air.
What the is this?
Hey!
You bunch of little delinquents!
- Go have fun.
Hey you kids, do
whatever you wanna do.
Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, you too.
Merry Christmas.
- It's so cold.
- Cold it is.
- So, which one's yours?
- You see the little
white one over there.
It's my girlfriend's and mine.
Yeah, she wanted a small dog.
I wanted a big dog.
So we compromised
and got a small dog.
- Compromise, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, when you get married,
there's gonna be a lot
more compromises to come.
- So anyway, which dog is yours?
- I don't have a dog.
But it's all I want though.
I don't care about
any other gifts.
I either want it for my
birthday or Christmas.
- You know, a dog
can be a lot of work.
- You're a lot of work.
- That's what my mom says.
But I'll do it all by myself.
I'd walk it, I'd feed
it, I'd let it out,
I'd take it to the dog park.
And I'll hold it's paw
like that at the vet.
- I hope you get
your wish this year.
- Me too.
- All right guys, I am freezing.
I'm out of here.
Lovie, come here.
Lovie.
My girl friend named
her, obviously.
- Obviously.
- Come here, come here girl.
Can I ask you a favor?
If you get near her.
She knows her name.
If you just call it.
- Who me?
- I can't go with the crutches.
All you gotta do is
just get near her,
just call her name, and
she'll come right to you.
- Okay, well.
- I'm sorry, but-
- All right, I'll
give it a shot.
- Thanks, I appreciate it.
Thanks, just need to get near
her and say her name, Lovie.
- Come on dog.
- Don't chase after her.
If you chase her,
she's gonna run.
- That's a boy.
- He's back up.
Come here.
- Bloody dog, come on!
- Come.
See, you're a real-sized dog.
No, lady, lady don't.
Lady if you throw the ball,
she's gonna chase the ball.
- Uncle Ben, watch out!
- Aah.
- 20 bucks says Uncle
Ben falls first.
- Uncle Daryl is going down.
Dave, I just want to thank you
for inviting me and my family
to join you for Christmas.
- I wouldn't have it
any other way Matt.
- Me too, Dave.
From me and the whole
McCormick family,
Merry Christmas.
- Here's to my son,
man of the house.
Takes a lot of work
to have everybody in.
He never complained.
I'm proud of you, son.
- Thank you.
Everyone, thank you.
Let's eat, dig in.
- Boy oh boy oh boy,
that hit the spot.
- Anybody gave me a
belt for Christmas?
Who's ready for presents?
- Ah, come on Dave, really?
I think we need a little
nap before we can do that.
Come on, let's go.
- Santa can't deliver all
those presents in one night.
Do you know, how many houses
there are all over the world?
- Okay, if I can
deliver presents
to every house in this
block in 60 seconds or less,
that'll prove that
it's possible.
- I don't think that it does.
- Sure it does.
- Three, two, one. Go!
Go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- That's it.
That is it.
I've had enough.
Probably Daryl, he always
takes a.
- Yeah, still putting
their names on things.
- We're having some drink.
- Oh, wow.
- Aah, that hit the spot.
Let's open presents.
- Honey?
You ready to open presents?
Almost.
- Quit stalling there, let's go.
Kids! Presents!
Yeah, I have a sponge.
- I just took it.
You know I'm not gonna use.
David!
David Madison, get out here.
- I'll be right back.
Wesley?
Merry Christmas.
- Put up your dukes,
you Yankee coward.
Aah!
- You think you Brits would
learn not to mess with America.
Geez.
- Oh, thanks dear.
Oh, look.
Oven mitts.
- I didn't know what to get her.
- Thanks dear.
- Ben,
what is that?
- It's Cabernet, fantastic wine.
You guys want me
to get you some?
- Ooh, no thank you,
I just don't allow beverages
in the living room.
- I won't spill, so.
- Oh well, it's just the rule.
Just sort of a house rule.
- I assure you, I am very good
with beverage management, Sandy.
- Oh, did you sew this yourself?
- I did.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- I picked out the fabric.
- Thank you.
So pretty.
- Don't ever do that again.
- It's for you Aunt Carol.
- Thank you, honey.
It's-
- Because it's Christmas
and your birthday.
- Yeah.
- And you're 50.
- Yeah.
- It's a sign for the yard.
I'm gonna go put it out.
- It's okay sweetie,
we can do it later.
- And you're 50.
- Cut it out, dad.
- Honestly?
Is this really necessary?
I know it's my birthday.
- And you're 50.
I've heard.
- Okay, I'm opening.
Whose it from anyway?
- Me, Uncle Matt.
- Oh, thanks sweetie.
And it's a tie.
Thank you.
- Let's see it.
- Yeah, no, that's all right.
- Let's see.
- Do you like it, dad?
- Try it on.
- What?
- Go on.
Well, I'm already wearing-
- Try it on, Matt.
- All right.
All right, birthday girl.
- Let's give him a suplex.
Go, go, go.
- And that Ben,
is why we have a no beverages
in the living room policy.
- I'm just standing here.
- And now there's
wine on my carpet.
- Maybe you should have a
no full contact wrestling
in the living room
policy, Sandy.
- Looks like you got little
wine on you there partner.
- Yeah, little wine.
- That's why it's
good to have two ties.
That's gonna stain.
- All right kids, that's it.
Let's round up.
Everybody to bed.
Let's go, yeah, yeah!
Yeah yeah!
Okay, let's get the drinks.
- Yes, all right.
- Let's go, cowpoke.
- "Twas the night
before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas
soon would be there.
The children were nestled all
snug in their wee little beds,
while visions of sugar plums
danced in their
wee little heads.
Mama in her kerchief,
and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains
for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there
arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to
see what was the matter.
Away to the window
I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters,
threw open the sash.
The moon on the breast
of the new-fallen snow
gave a luster of midday
to objects below.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver
so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment that
it must be Saint Nick,
and he whistled and shouted
and called them by name.
Happy Christmas to all,
and to all a good night."
- You skipped some, Grandpa.
- Well, you got the gist of it.
Well, Grandpa loves you all.
Good night.
- Hey, we're going to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- I'm going out for little walk.
- Wake up, wake up!
- What?
- He's here, he's really here.
- I knew it, I knew
Santa Claus is real.
- It's true, and tomorrow
I'm gonna get a
puppy for Christmas.
I'm gonna get a
puppy for Christmas.
- On Dancer, on Prancer,
dash away Richard Nixon,
NFL blitzin' and however
the heck it goes.
All led by a drunk reindeer
with a big red nose.
- You're taking
up all the space.
I need a spot for my
kid too, you know.
- What about in there?
- Yeah.
- What? Under the kitchen table?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- You trying to invent
a new holiday, Matt?
Santa is not bringing
presents to Kassandra,
under the table.
- But, we're all set up
and we were here first.
- You're like Columbus
talking to the Indians.
This is my home.
Now, I'm gonna go
out to the trunk,
I'm gonna get Santa's presents,
And when I come back,
there's gonna be a nice
big space under that tree.
Okay?
- A drunken reindeer
with a big red nose.
- Pretty nice table.
- Yeah.
- Told Carol I'd be right up.
- We could just
play one quick game.
- All right.
- But I'm first.
- Another Christmas down,
another family Christmas
through the hole.
- She is my sister.
- What?
- She's also cold.
- Be there.
- No. No.
- Bring it up, just bring
it at me one more time.
- Come on, put it in there bro.
- One more.
One more, I know, one more.
Okay, one more, Ben.
Double digit.
- Wait for it.
Wait for it.
There it is Ben.
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh what fun ♪
♪ It is to ride ♪
♪ In a one horse
pen sleigh, hey! ♪
- Yay!
- It is fun.
- Well, you have too many bells.
♪ Bells on bob tail ring ♪
♪ Making spirits bright ♪
♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪
♪ A sleighing song
tonight, aah ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
- Shh.
- Oh, we don't want
to wake 'em up,
they're gonna come down.
- Besides, Santa's coming.
- That's right.
You know,
I spend a lot time asking people
what they would
like for Christmas.
May be I could tell
you what I would like.
Spend a little less on presents,
and give a little
more to charity.
Be kind to one another
because really,
that is what Christmas
is all about.
Now, here it is folks.
The main event,
live from Rockford, Michigan.
It's Christmas morning.
Ho ho ho!
- Guys, wake up, wake up.
Presents! It's
time for presents!
- They're up.
Come on, cowpoke, lets go.
- Couple more hours.
- You are not missing
Christmas morning.
- There's a camcorder
in the closet.
Videotape it.
- David,
up!
- Coffee.
Coffee.
- Matt, can you
make a fire, please?
Matt?
- Jeez, what?
- Make a fire please.
- Okay.
- Now, Matt?
- Okay.
All right, move over.
You too, get something to eat.
We'll have a fire mind you.
It's 78 degrees in here.
- Mister Madison?
- Dad?
- I'm stuck in the chimney.
Sandy!
Call 911!
Freezing
my rear end off.
- Mister Madison, what
are you doing up there?
- Get me the hell out of here,
then we can play
twenty questions with
my idiot son-in-law.
That Grandpa is
quite the character, isn't he?
Ho ho ho, as long
as I can remember,
he's been one of my favorites.
Oh, he's gone a little
gruff in his old age.
But he loves his family.
That's what's important.
- Just all kinds of stuff.
Just clutter.
The gifts are too big,
and nobody really needs them.
- What can I say?
I like the gifts though.
- Matt?
- Huh?
Yeah, sure, hon.
- Now look, I've put
everybody's name in the hat.
We'll each draw out a name,
and that's the person you're
buying a gift for next year.
- I's Christmas day, Carol.
Do we really need to
worry about it now?
- Yes, when else
will all be together?
If we don't talk about it now,
it will never get done.
Daryl, you get to go first.
- I got my name,
Daryl McCormick.
- There you go, you can buy
yourself some orange soda,
and put your name on it.
- Or oven mitts.
- You feeling better, Grandpa?
- Ah, me? Sure, sure.
Takes a lot more than that
to knock your old
Grandpa off his game.
How'd you do this year?
You make out?
- Okay, I guess.
- Okay, you guess?
- I don't wanna complain.
- You mean you didn't get
everything you wanted?
Well, maybe next year.
- No.
- No!
- I was really good this year.
Really, I was.
And that's all I wanted.
And if Santa Claus didn't
bring me a dog this year,
why would he next year?
- Well, maybe your
parents for your birthday.
- They never will.
I just thought, if
I was good enough
and if I wanted it bad.
- Well, I'm sorry.
You know, I did as best I could.
- I still love you, Grandpa.
- What was that?
- What?
- That noise.
- I don't hear anything.
- From the basement that
whining, barking sound.
A
puppy! I got a puppy!
I don't believe this.
- Dad, what's going on?
I
don't believe this.
What's the big deal?
- You can't just buy her a
dog without our permission.
- Unbelievable.
You had a
dog when you were a kid.
Every kid should have a dog.
- Do you even know
what kind it is?
It's a, it's a, well it's,
I don't know.
I told the guy to get a big dog,
you don't want those
little rat dogs.
- This is a major
family decision, Dad.
A dog is a lot of work.
- Nonsense, you always
over-dramatize everything.
No, don't let him up
That knee, it's bad.
Get off there!
Down, come here.
Get off there!
David, do something!
I got him, I got him.
Oh, my
china.
- So, there you have it.
The Madisons got a
dog for Christmas.
Dave and Sandy may not
have wanted him at first,
but, throughout the years,
that dog brought a lot of love
into the Madison home.
Dave swore that he would never
have any of his or Sandy's
family over ever again.
Well, you know Dave,
next year he was
excited as ever.
It wasn't always easy.
One year, Dave got kicked
while trying to set up
a live reindeer display
in the front yard.
Then there was the time
he nearly froze to death,
while trying to prove to Sandy
that the ice was thick
enough for skating.
Well, over time,
we gained a few new
Madisons and well,
we lost an older one.
But the family and their loving
dog always stayed together.
From all of us here
at Rockford, Michigan,
Merry Christmas,
and to all a good night.
Most dogs even have
really clean mouths,
even cleaner than ours.
- If we still had
the downtown office,
we could park in
the lot, but no,
Glenn's decided to move the
whole operation to the suburbs.
- You can even teach dogs
to bring in the papers
so you'd never have to
leave your chair, Dad.
- There's an empty space,
here we go, here we go!
Ah, for crying out loud!
They oughta ban
foreign compact cars.
- Why don't you just
park in the lot.
For
$8? Are you crazy?
You know, the city says it's
free to go ice skating, okay?
The prices of hot chocolate
are inflated twice
that of market value,
and, and, and ice skating
rental fees are outrageous,
and they want $8 for parking?
Not from this buckaroo.
- You show 'em, Dave.
Now listen, I'm putting
all the boys downstairs
together in sleeping bags
so they can beat each other
senseless for all I care.
I swear I've never seen those
boys not punching each other.
- Now, who's in charge
of laying out this city?
That's what I'd like to know.
There's not a single
place to park anywhere.
- I put Matt and Carol
in the blue room.
Oh, and don't mention that
Carol's turning 50 this year.
She's very sensitive to that.
Oh, and do you happen to know
what Daryl got Anna
this year for Christmas?
Last year, he got
her tube socks,
so I went ahead
and sent an email
to make sure that
doesn't happen again.
- Look at this guy!
He's way over the line.
He's taking up two spaces!
- Dave, are, are
you listening to me?
- Yeah, that's fine.
- Did you know that
houses with dogs
are 11% less likely
to be broken into?
It's a fact, I read it.
- I passed this lady
three times now,
and she's still going
through her purse.
Back out, let
somebody else park!
You can go through your
purse when you get home.
- I wish you would just park
the car so we can go downtown.
- Well, I'm trying
to park the car.
I've been trying to park the
car for half an hour now.
- Just park it already.
- Ah-ha, ah-ha!
What's that? You see that?
You see that, Kassandra?
What do you think of that, huh?
That's great, Dad.
- Well, you might
not think so now,
but one day when you go to
college, you'll say to yourself,
I'm here because Dad
knew how to save a buck.
Alison
just got a dog.
It's all I want for
Christmas, and I was thinking.
Kassandra,
we've talked about this.
But I
would take care of it!
- Did you see this guy?
We're not
getting a dog, Kassandra.
We've talked about this.
A dog is a big deal.
- Are you blind?
I'm parking here.
Can you believe this guy?
Unbelievable.
- Hey dummy, don't you
see I have my blinker on?
- Jerry!
- What'd you call me?
- You heard me.
- Oh, who cares, just
let him have his spot!
- Let him, let
him have the spot?
What, oh no, look at this,
he's trying to inch up.
Oh no, you don't.
- He's trying to inch back.
I don't believe this.
Dave!
- He just hit me!
- Oh, can we-
- You all saw it!
He just hit me.
- Dave, can we please just
go park in the garage!
- You just caused an
accident, you imbecile!
- Jerry, what are you doing?
- He doesn't wanna move the car?
I'll move it for him.
Dave, oh my gosh!
Oh my gosh, he's pushing on us!
Buckle up, Kassandra!
- What are you gonna do?
What are you doing?
- I didn't buy this SUV so
we could be pushed around.
- Oh, what are you-
- I'm taking the bull
by the horns-
Dave!
- And I'm protecting
our territory.
Hang on, girls!
- Oh, yeah.
Let's say goodbye to him,
too, when he goes by.
Now, you feel better?
Thank you!
Well, there you go.
You see what perseverance does?
- How exactly do you
expect me to get out?
And don't even try to tell me
to climb over to your side.
I can't believe you
parked this close.
- What were you thinking?
- Honey.
- Seriously, it's embarrassing,
what are you doing?
What are, Dave, what
are, what are you doing?
Let go of me, Dave!
- All right, who's
ready for ice skating?
- I am!
Come on
Amelia, kick the ball!
Hey, look at me!
Kick the ball!
- I'm sorry, I got a
little carried away.
- A little?
Dave, you were like
a 12-year-old boy
playing bumper cars
at the amusement park.
- You're right.
You're absolutely right.
- Look, tomorrow my brother
and his family come,
my sister, her husband, your
father, your brother, the kids.
The house is gonna be packed.
I just wanna have a nice
quiet evening with my family.
- Absolutely.
I will be incident-free until
New Year's, scout's honor.
Okay.
- Okay.
- Mom, can we divide rooms
up by family this year?
Well, I put you and
all your cousins together.
It's okay.
- Hey, you're hot!
- But I don't wanna share a room
with Dad's side of the family.
Who's that
guy talking to?
- What's wrong with
Dad's side of family?
They
snore, all of 'em!
- All Madisons have
sinus problems, honey.
We can't help it.
- Well, I'm a Madison,
and I don't snore.
- That's because you're a
little angel just like Mommy.
- Yeah.
- Drop the zero.
Come hang with a hero.
- Who's he talking to?
Is he talking to you?
- Let it go, Dave.
- Hey, trying to spend
Christmas here with my family,
you little hooligan!
Dave, what
did we just talk about?
- Perfectly calm.
- You know, maybe we should get
a couple of rooms
at the Holiday Inn.
We could afford it.
- What? No, no.
I want the whole family
together for the holidays.
Nobody is going to,
to the Holiday Inn.
- Yeah, but you know what
little space we have.
- Little space?
We live in a 3,000
square foot home
in one of the
nicest neighborhoods
in one of the richest
countries in the world.
You're good, babe.
- Dave, ignore it.
- Ignore what?
I didn't hear anything.
- Mom, my ankles hurt.
- Here.
Why don't you and your
mom go across the street
to Starbucks and
get a hot chocolate.
- What about you, Dad?
- No.
Gonna go pick up a
couple of quick laps,
just like Dad did in
the old college days.
- Just be careful,
that was 25 years ago.
- 24 years ago.
- Just be careful.
- Always.
Okay, hot shot.
Let's see how you like
the view from the ice.
Oh, pardon me.
You little jerk.
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
Do you wanna play rough?
I can play rough.
Somebody
call the police!
- Dave!
- Son of a-
- What's the matter?
- We're struck.
- Well, try rocking it.
- You're just making
the grooves deeper.
- All right, you
drive, I'll push.
Okay, one, two, three.
Okay, I'm gonna use this board
to wedge it under the wheel,
give it something to grip on to.
When I say hit it, let it rip.
- But, Dad, there isn't any
friction under the board.
When Mom hits the gas
pedal, it's gonna go flying.
Okay.
But.
- Hang on, Kassandra.
But Mom!
- All right, let her rip.
Ah, be careful.
- Okay.
- Well, what happened, then?
- Just a little accident.
- Another accident?
Amazing, Darwin is yet to
finish the bloody fool off.
- Watch out.
- Oh.
- Ow!
- Sorry.
- I'll tell you, ever
since he was a little boy,
that Dave was always quick to
lose his temper.
Well, here we are.
It's the morning of December
22nd, and the peace and quiet
of the Madison family
home is about to end,
and the Bavarian horde
of relatives are about
to swoop in like a
level five tsunami.
This ought to be fun.
Hmm, no,
no, I don't like it.
Let's try moving the
tree by the fireplace.
Hmm.
Huh, huh?
- Mm, yeah, no. No.
You know what, let's try it,
um, let's try it over there.
- Okay.
- Thanks.
- You are the slowest
driver I've ever seen.
- Maybe you should
say, thank you, Carol,
for getting to my
sister's safely.
- Look at this guy!
Look at this guy!
Are you seriously just
gonna let him cut you off?
No, no.
You know what?
Let's try moving the recliner
and putting the
tree in the corner.
I think that'll look great.
- Me, too.
- Okay.
Careful. Got it?
- Out of my way, you putz.
Come on!
- Mm, no.
- I will stop this car!
I swear to everything holy,
I will stop this car
and come back there
and then you'll be in
a world of trouble!
- Perfect.
Okay, just start the
fire and we're done.
- Dad! Dad!
Dad!
- Oh no! Dave!
David! David!
- Yeah, What?
You forgot
to open the flue!
- What?
You forgot
to open the flue!
- Get in with me.
Go ahead, girls.
Okay, go ahead, girls. Okay.
Hello, hello!
How was your trip?
- Oh awful, seven
hours and 20 minutes.
That's the longest trip ever.
- Are you okay?
- No, we're not hungry!
- What do you mean
we're not hungry?
You can't tell me
when I'm not hungry.
- I'm hungry!
- I don't care, I don't
want you in that kitchen.
They have enough to do in there.
- What kind of
toilet paper you got?
- Glad to see you.
- Hi!
- So good to see you.
- Now, this is my orange soda.
I brought one for every day.
Look, got at my name on it,
DM, Daryl McCormick.
Okay, my name's on it.
- I ain't taking off my
shoes, my feet get cold.
- I brought my footed pajamas.
- I can't work with those
single-ply nonsense.
- What kind of grown man
wears footie pajamas?
- I like to be
comfortable, okay, Matt?
Okay.
Hi!
- We're not handing out
free presents this year.
- Oh no, I'm not-
- Remember?
- Taking my shoes off, not,
this isn't Communist China.
Okay, come on, men,
let's storm the kitchen!
- Hey, uh, do me a favor.
Keys are in the jacket.
Go get my luggage,
would you? Bad back.
- Okay.
Merry
Christmas, Mister Madison.
- Merry Christmas,
Missus Madison.
So how are
you Mister Madison?
- Well, I'm still alive.
Oh, enough of this small talk.
Let's turn on the TV.
- Hey, Dad.
Yeah.
- Isn't it true that
Santa Claus is real?
- Of course he's real.
- See, told you.
- I really don't think
that making a batch
or two of cookies
is gonna hurt us.
- Cookies can be very harmful.
- I'll tell you what.
We'll go to the gym on
December 26th and burn it off.
What do you say?
- It's not just
the calories, Mom.
There's also the
long term effects
of over-exposure to sugar,
which can change your
insulin sensitivity
and you could get diabetes.
- I don't think we're in
any real danger of that.
- Well, maybe not.
But it can also cause
tooth decay, anxiety,
and a depressed feeling after
you crash from a sugar high.
No, thank you.
- Kassandra, come
on, he's doing it!
- Gotta go, Mom.
Brandon's gonna prove
that Santa Claus is real.
- Have fun!
- Here's part one
of my experiments
to prove that Santa
Claus is real.
All right, I want you
guys to wait out here
and witness me going
into the house.
Everyone else is already inside.
What's that for?
- In case I get I get
stuck in the chimney,
my brothers can pull me out.
- Ah, smart.
- Here we go.
- What's that for?
- Brandon tied it
around his waist
so if he gets stuck
we can pull him down.
- Ah, smart!
- Brandon's no dummy.
- Come on Brandon,
you can do it.
- I'm stuck!
Help, help!
Help, I'm stuck, help, help!
Help!
- Guys, pull!
- Cookies!
- Cookies are ready.
- Well, what about Brandon?
If
we don't get there fast,
Dad and Uncle
Ben'll eat them all.
- Mm, cookies.
We'll see about that.
- Um, where's Brandon?
Ooh!
- Uh, kids, have you
seen your cousin Brandon?
- Brandon!
- Well, I hope you
guys are happy.
You could've killed Brandon!
Go inside, all of you.
And no cookies!
- I see your children
are misbehaving again.
- He's just a boy, Wesley.
- A halfwit boy who's gonna
grow up to be a halfwit man.
A lump of coal and
a good spanking,
that's what you'd get
for Christmas were
I were your father.
I'd be doing you
a favor, too, boy.
- Basement, shower, go.
And don't touch anything
on your way down.
Dave!
Dave!
Have you seen Dave?
Where? All right.
- Think he's around
here somewhere.
- Oh, oh, Mister
Madison, your shoes.
- Just a little coffee please.
- Dave!
Dave?
- Huh, huh?
What's going on?
- What are you doing?
- I cut a hole on the floor
so I could go ice fishing.
What does it look
like I'm doing?
I'm taking a nap.
- Why?
- Because I'm tired, Sandy.
- What do you have
to be tired about?
I spent all morning cooking.
I've been following your father
and his melting shoes
around the house with a mop.
And I just helped
the fire department
fish Brandon out of the chimney.
- Chimney?
- Now I need you to
shovel the driveway.
- Why?
- Because
there's snow on it, David.
- And?
- And everybody's parked
out on the street,
and we have a
perfectly big driveway.
And if you just shovel it,
then everybody can put
in to the driveway.
- What do you care
if people are parked
in the street or the driveway?
- Get out of that bed!
- Fine!
Fine!
- Hey!
Hey!
Hey, how much for the driveway?
- 50 bucks.
- Ah, come on that's a little...
All right.
- You want the walk done, too?
- Well, yeah, the walk,
the porch, the driveway,
the whole thing.
- 60.
- Ah, come on.
- Come on, boys, lets go.
- All right, fine.
60 bucks.
- All right, get to
work, come on, go. Here.
- Oh, you know what?
My neighbor's pushing 80.
So do his for me, too.
- Okay.
- I mean, hey.
It's the big guy's
birthday, right?
- What is it?
- Christmas.
- Oh, Merry Christmas.
- This one and the
one next door, okay.
- Okay.
- Oh, and, uh, hey, don't ring
the bell when you're done.
I'll be watching
and I'll come out.
Okay.
Hey, come on slackers,
get your back into it.
Go ahead and throw a whole
shovelful on your brother.
You need to
add 3/4 cup of sugar
and a pinch of ginger.
No, you only need
1/2 a cup of brown sugar
and a dash, not a pinch,
a dash of cinnamon.
- Attention!
Attention!
In five minutes, we
will finally be done
baking cookies for the year.
- Psst.
Psst!
- Dave, what are
you doing, buddy?
- Hey!
- Shut up, shut up!
I need your room.
- My room? What for?
- Stop asking questions.
Just keep Carol busy for about
an hour so I can take a nap.
- I don't no.
Sounds like we'll
get in trouble.
- Yeah, What's in it for us?
- How about a free
home, free food,
and use of my big screen TV?
- Nah, I already got that.
- Yeah.
- Fine, Christmas dinner,
you can have the turkey legs.
It's my house, but you
can have the drumsticks.
- Deal.
- Oh, we'll cover you.
- All right.
- We'll go right now.
- These hot?
- Hey, no touching.
- What are you doing?
- I'm starving.
- Daryl, get out.
- Matt, not now.
No, no!
- Matt, take it off.
- I'm hungry.
Hey wait, that's for
Christmas dinner.
- I said go!
- I just never seen
you in the kitchen.
- Get out of here.
- Go away.
- Just go!
- It can't be done,
you'd have to have a
super human stomach.
- Of course it can.
What about that
little Chinese guy
that eats all the hot dogs?
- That's true.
My dad and me saw it on TV.
He ate 68 hot dogs
in only ten minutes.
- Yeah see, that's
just in ten minutes.
Santa has all night
to eat cookies.
- That's it, that's
the last batch.
We are finally and officially
done baking cookies.
- Yeah.
- Well, even if he ate
one cookie at every house,
it would still be like
thousands of cookies.
- Okay, I'll prove it to you.
Bring me all the
cookies in the house,
and a big glass of milk.
- Ooh, it must be good.
Driveway's all shoveled.
- Thank you, dear.
Okay everybody, cars
in the driveway please.
Matt, Daryl, come on move it.
Hey Ben, hear me over there.
Let's go, cars in
the driveway please.
Mister Madison, would you like
me to move your car for you?
- I'll drive my own darn car.
- Hey guys.
Okay, that's a $120 I owe you.
- Let's see, it's
$60 for this house.
$60 for your house, that's uh,
you have a pen and
a piece of paper?
- No, I don't.
But it's a 120.
- Or you could just
give me $60 twice.
- I could, that's true.
But I'd rather not
write two checks.
- Oh no no no checks.
- Excuse me?
- Cash only.
I don't have $120 in cash on me.
- You got $60, twice?
- Look, we're not gypsies.
Our house isn't going anywhere.
I'm not gonna write
you a bad check.
- Cash only.
You gonna have to go
to one of those ATMs.
- Look, my car is in the garage.
I'm backed in.
- Okay.
- Thank you.
- We'll take my car.
Come on boys, let's go.
Move it.
All right kids, load it up
we're going to the bank.
You go to college?
- University of Michigan.
- Waste of time.
They don't teach you
anything but socialism there.
I'm Earl.
- Dave.
- Hey Dave, you look
like a real smart fellow.
- Well, I appreciate that.
- I might just
have an opportunity
for you to make some real money.
My half brother,
he's also my cousin,
he's into that
multilevel marketing.
I'd like to get the two
of you guys together.
In a room, together.
- How does this thing work?
I always go inside.
- You put in your PIN.
- PIN? I don't know my PIN.
- You just type it in.
- I don't know what it is.
- Why don't you call your wife?
- There's no way I could
possibly explain this.
Look, will you
just take a check?
- No, no, I can't take a check.
I'll tell you what,
me and the boys here,
we need some groceries.
Why don't we hop back in
the van, we'll go shopping.
You can pay for it.
- Fine.
- Okay, come on boys.
- Where are you going?
- Grocery store.
- Grocery store's over there.
- Yeah I like the
9th Bridge Market.
- Where is that?
- Across town.
Won't take more
than 20-25 minutes.
- Oh, good.
- Brandon!
What happened to him?
Well, somebody knows, speak.
- Look at these hot
dogs, they all beef?
- I don't know, I
don't work here.
- How much longer are
we going to be here?
- We're gonna be here
till we're done shopping.
Now why don't you go run around
get something to eat? Go.
I wonder if these are all beef.
You know, this place used
to be beer and bait shop?
Now it's all fancy
shnancy pantsy.
Maybe we oughta go back to the
store you were talking about.
- We're not going to
another market, Earl.
You wanted to come here.
We're here.
- All right, all
right, all right.
You mind pushing?
What in the world
is a Swedish fish?
You have big plans
for Christmas day?
Earl, your kids are eating
candy and drinking soda.
- Yeah, I know, I'd suppose
I oughta feel guilty.
- Or may be stop them?
But it's Christmas!
They wanna get all hopped
up on sugar one time a year,
it's okay by me, you want
them to bring you a chocolate?
- No, thank you.
- Soda?
- Am all set, Earl!
I think we're at the 120.
None for me either,
I'm on the Atkins diet now.
All protein, baby.
- 137 dollars and 28 cents.
- You got $17.
- Let's just call it gas money.
- Gas money?
- What, I drove.
Hey, do you know if those
hot dogs are all beef?
- Don't answer that question,
just put it in the
bag, we'll take 'em.
Thank you.
There you go.
Here you go 137 and 28 cents.
Where have you been?
- I was just-
- Brandon ate all the cookies.
Six batches, every
single one of them.
- Six batches?
- Yeah, they just took
him to the hospital.
Carol went with him.
You know I was yelling for you,
Dave? Dave?
But of course,
you were nowhere to be found.
- Well, I was just-
- Well, you were what?
- I was just shoveling
Mister Nicolas' driveway.
You know, he's almost 80.
It's the holidays.
- Oh, honey.
- So I figured why not help him?
- Sweetie, that
is so nice of you.
Oh honey, I'm sorry, sorry.
I'm gonna have to make
some more cookies, now.
Oh, you know what?
Here's the list of ingredients.
I'm gonna need you to go to
the 9th Bridge Market for me.
Thanks.
- Ah, Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
- Oh, you got me.
Boy, your quiet.
Don't let Missus Claus
find out about this.
Now, where were we?
Oh, yes, yes.
Between them, the
Rockford Fire Department
having to rescue Brandon
from the chimney,
and Dave being dragged
all over town by Earl?
Well, the Madison
family's had quite a day.
Let's see what kind of mischief
they get into on
the 23rd, shall we?
- I will now prove to
you that it is possible,
given enough speed and reindeer
power, to make a sled fly.
- Dave, are you
watching the kids?
- Dave's fixing the toilet.
- Hike, come on hike,
go, go, go.
- Oh my gosh, Brandon.
Thank you.
- Hey, what are you doing?
- Dave.
- Why are you in my kitchen?
- Your kitchen?
This is my house.
- What do you want, Dave?
No, that food is for dinner.
- Dave, we're busy.
- Which of this
food is for lunch?
What is this, Yom Kippur,
am I supposed to
fast until sundown?
- Get out of the kitchen.
You are making a mess.
- Go!
- It's supposed to be
for everyone, Dave.
- Dad, I'm going out for
some lunch, You wanna come?
- No, the girls fixed
me a little soup.
- What?
You made dad soup?
Stay out
of the kitchen, Dave.
- Fine!
- Hey, Uncle Dave, get him!
Give me some.
- You better run.
- Grandpa Madison?
- Oh, hi Kassandra.
Grandpa Madison, do
you believe in Santa?
- Of course I do.
- What about for bad children?
- Let me tell you a
little secret, Kassandra.
There are no bad children.
- What if I mailed this
letter to Santa today?
Do you think he'd
get it on time?
- No, I don't think he would.
- Oh, okay, thanks Grandpa.
- However, if you
gave me the letter,
I might be able to give
it to him personally.
You see, when you live
as long as I have,
you know am awful lot
of important people.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Thanks, Grandpa.
- All right.
All right, you two,
up, out of here,
get your cars, you
got me parked in.
- Where you going
Mister Madison?
- To a place where people
mind their own darn business.
- I think we're okay here, dad.
I mean we got the TV
on, we got snacks,
and we're wearing slippers.
- All right, long hair
fat boy, out of here.
- Mister Madison, hey my car
is at the end of the driveway.
Why don't you borrow mine?
- I'm not driving any
little foreign pansy car.
I drive a Cadillac
like a real man.
All right, this conversation
is over, out of here.
- Yeah.
- Nope.
"Dear Santa,
all I want for Christmas and
my birthday this year is a dog.
Well, I would also
like peace on earth
and good health
to all my family,
including Grandpa
Madison, who is old,
and my Grandma,
who I loved, died.
But I also really want a dog.
I don't even care what kind.
I would be nice to it,
and take it on lots of walks.
I promise.
I don't even need any
other toys or anything.
Love, Kassandra.
PS, I have been very,
very good this year."
Okay, okay Kassandra.
- Geez, it's like the
OK Corral in here.
- Yup, been in line 45 minutes.
What you're gonna do?
It's Christmas, it's
the only place open.
- How many your party?
- One.
- No, one, sorry.
You come back new year.
- Excuse me?
- It's too busy,
three or four people table.
- Well, there's a little
piece of information
I could have used
about an hour ago.
- Next please.
- No, next please.
I want a table.
- We'll sit with you.
- Yeah, me and Fred here.
Fred's my man.
We'll all sit
together, it'll be fun.
- Come on.
- Okay.
- Oh, little nip?
- No, I don't.
Thank you though.
- Fred and I just
met on Tuesday.
Okay.
- Yeah, we're living together.
- All right.
- So what do you
think about that?
- Well, it's truly none of my,
look, you two are adults,
you do what you like.
- Come on.
Stop being so shy.
He's so shy.
- Well, okay.
You say that you're
living together.
What do you mean?
You're living together
in the same house?
Or do you mean, you're living
together in the same room?
Bed, et cetera.
- Hey now, you know what?
Shame on you.
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, it's not something
you ask a lady at
the dinner table.
- Well, may we should not
talk about any of this.
- You know what,
maybe we should.
Why don't you guys
discuss it all evening.
So I can finish
my plate of food.
You know what, my
night's ruined.
Thanks.
- You know,
just between you and me,
I'm really glad you're
here to see that.
'Cause I think he's way more
into me than I'm into him.
He's just threatened by you.
- Guys.
I feel like, I owe
you guys an apology.
I've had a lot on my mind.
- No, Fred, don't.
- No, it's okay, honey.
We're family, and I
want you to know this.
Look man, my buddy
in the war, he,
he got bird flu.
It's messing me up man.
It's messing me up.
- Oh, separate checks please.
- No separate check.
- Hey, I'm gonna pay for her.
- Fine, whatever.
- You know what hon, it's on us.
It was our pleasure.
- You're so sweet.
Isn't he just the sweetest?
- Okay then, my lunch was 5.99.
Here's 20, just give me 10
back and I'll be on my way.
Don't worry about
it man, like I said,
I got her covered.
- Yeah, however, the
two of you divided
is between the two of you.
Just give me 10 back.
- Ah, let's see.
You know what, here.
There you go.
- What is this?
This is like two,
three dollars.
- Don't worry about it.
I don't need any change.
- It's not enough Fred.
- Hey, what are you doing?
No, I ate, put your purse away.
Woman you're embarrassing me.
I told you, we got this.
- Hi, Santa.
- Merry Christmas.
Oh, thank you.
Ho ho ho, Mister Madison,
Merry Christmas sir.
- I know you?
- I know you.
I've known you since
you were a little boy.
- You don't know jack.
- I see you while
you're sleeping.
- What are you after, a fat lip?
- Aisle seven.
- What's that?
- What you're looking
for, from the letter.
Don't get one of
those small ones.
The ankle biters, she
doesn't want that.
- How do you know what?
- Aisle seven, huh?
Aisle seven.
- Yeah, okay, merry.
- Merry Christmas to you, sir.
- Yeah, sure.
- Kassandra, get dressed please.
- I am dressed.
I'm not naked mom.
- Stop reading, and put
on the dress and tights
I laid out for you.
- What for?
- Your father's
office holiday party.
- No, no, no mom, no!
- Kassandra, don't start.
- But I was gonna go
to the dog park today.
- Well, you can go to the
dog park another time.
I need you
to get ready.
- I hate dad's office parties.
- It's not that bad.
- Yeah, but that weird old guy
always talks to me
about stock profiles.
- Mister Drummers talks to
everybody about his stock.
You know, you wouldn't
be such an easy target
if you would just get
up out of that chair.
Why don't you ever play
with the other kids?
- Because Kyle is just gonna
spill food on me again.
I just know it.
- Honey, it's not that likely
it's gonna happen
two years in a row.
- Promise me dad
won't sing again.
♪ On the sixth
day of Christmas ♪
♪ My true love gave to me ♪
- Kim.
- I don't know.
- Come on, just say the first
thing that comes to your mind.
Kim, Kim, Kim.
- Two martinis.
♪ Six cherry martinis ♪
♪ Five migrant workers ♪
♪ That are ready to
replace all us lazy bums ♪
- Thanks boss.
- I can only dream.
♪ Four exotic dancers ♪
Woo.
♪ Three jumbo loans that
are almost ready to close ♪
- How does he come up
with those on the spot?
♪ Two French kisses ♪
Woo.
♪ One more French kiss ♪
- Get back over here!
Woo.
♪ Two French kisses that
had to be from my wife ♪
Everyone.
♪ And the female
undergarment in a pear tree ♪
- Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
- You try to short it
but the market goes up.
You can't win.
Some people say
buy the blue chips.
But who knows?
I prefer the tech
stocks, NASDAQ.
Long term options,
that's the way to go.
Make money if you're buying,
you make money if
you're selling.
Most people don't understand
the stock market like I do.
But have I always been a winner?
No, of course not.
Sometimes you take a hit.
♪ Ten bottles of Jack ♪
♪ Nine ladies dancing ♪
♪ Eight maids milking my big- ♪
David!
What? Henry's
the one who said it.
Well, you don't
need to keep repeating it!
♪ Seven ♪
I think that's
enough with the singing, Dave.
- That is great.
My lower back is killing me.
Ooh.
Doing one house was okay.
But doing Mister Nicolas's too.
That really put my back out.
- Well, it was such
a nice thing to do.
Now you just lay still,
and let me take care of you.
- Hey.
- What?
- Maybe later, we could?
- Mmm, maybe we could.
Who?
It's almost 10 o'clock.
Hang on, I'll be right back.
- Hurry up.
- Okay, I will.
- Hello.
- Well, hi.
Dave left his gloves
in my car yesterday.
- Oh, thank you.
I'm sorry, do I know you?
- No, no, no, Dave hired me
to shovel out your driveway
and your neighbor's
driveway yesterday.
- Oh, really?
David!
- Hi, David.
Hey buddy, yeah you left your
gloves in my car yesterday.
Merry Christmas!
- Merry Christmas, Earl.
- Couch!
- The couch is
gonna hurt my back.
- Good.
- It's the morning of
the 24th of December.
It's a big day.
So just sit back,
enjoy the story.
I got a few more
hours of bell ringing
then I got a lot of work to do.
Ho ho ho!
- Dave?
Dave.
- Huh?
- Dave, I need you.
- What?
- Dave.
- Oh, you are not normally
a morning type of girl.
But that's okay.
Let's roll with this, I'm game.
- No, not that, no, Dave.
Kassandra and I have some
last minute shopping to do.
We need you to drive, so you
can drop us off at the door,
while you circle around
forever for parking spot.
We're gonna need your
help carrying things too.
So come on, let's
go, out of bed.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas to you too.
- Hi.
- Merry Christmas.
- Merry Christmas.
I'm just waiting for
the wife and kid.
I know how that
goes.
My wife, she
volunteered me for this.
- Oh yeah?
- Missus Claus.
Big into charities.
- I tell you, I
know how that goes.
How's business?
- Mostly pretty good.
And it's fun.
You get the bell,
you get the hat.
The whole nine yards.
- And the kids like you.
That's a plus.
- Your kid doesn't like you?
- She loves me.
But right now she
doesn't like me.
She wants a dog.
- Aah.
You and her mother don't?
- So I have to be
the one to say no.
You know how that goes?
- Yes, I do.
- I used to be so fun loving.
I don't feel old.
When did I become the
guy that has to say no?
Well.
When you were a boy,
you wanted toys.
But that came with a
little responsibility.
You know, pick up after
yourself, that sort of thing.
As you got older,
you wanted a child.
Bigger reward, but a
lot more responsibility.
- Sounds like you
speak from experience.
You have kids?
Yeah, you could
say that.
This time of the year pal,
boy my responsibilities,
I tell you.
- Yeah, the holidays
can be rough.
Yes, they can.
- I'm Dave.
- Kris.
- That's your real name?
- As long as I can remember.
- Don't tell me your
last name is Kringle.
- Okay, I won't.
- It's cold.
- Well, I'm a fat guy.
- That's gotta help.
Hey, you want me to get
you a coffee or something?
I'm not going anywhere.
- Oh, no no, thank you though.
- Well, if you need
anything just let me know.
- Thank you, I appreciate that.
Actually, I could
use a bathroom.
- Ho Ho Ho!
Merry Christmas!
- Is that your father?
Ho ho ho,
Merry Christmas!
- Dave?
- Ho ho ho!
- What are you doing?
- Santa had to go
to the bathroom.
- Dad, you're weird.
- Ho ho ho, Merry
Christmas everyone.
Ho ho, Merry Christmas everyone.
Ho ho ho.
Ho ho ho.
Merry Christmas.
- Dave!
Dave!
Dave!
It's me, Susanna.
From the Japan restaurant.
- Oh, hi.
- And you'll never
guess who's here.
Fred!
Fred, get your behind out
of the car man, it's Dave.
He's been talking and talking
and talking about you.
I'm so glad he
made a real friend.
Those other guys used to
hang out with were losers.
- Yo, bro, been trying
to call you man.
- I don't remember
giving you my number.
- You didn't, and honestly
that's made it a
little difficult.
You know how many Daves are
there in the phone book?
I dialed like a hundred of
them but then I passed out.
- He did, he was just trying
to call you like a 100 times.
- Can I please?
I literally just said that.
- Okay all right.
I'm gonna let you boys catch up,
I'm heading inside.
- She's great isn't she?
I mean, she's always
going on and on,
but how are you man?
Hey, I've got some friends,
we got a bowling league.
There's a waiting list,
but I talked to
them and got you in.
I mean you weren't
on it right away,
I had to talk to them,
but you're on it.
- Great, great, thanks.
- It is great.
Hey, what are you
doing tomorrow?
- Tomorrow is a
Christmas day, Fred.
I may be busy.
- You wanna go hunting?
I got a bunch of guns
in the truck right now.
You wanna see 'em?
- No, not now.
- I'm serious.
There's like a petting zoo,
just south of Grand Rapids.
Nobody's there right now.
We could bag 'em and tag 'em.
- Well, that sounds great Fred.
But tomorrow is Christmas
day and I think I have plans.
I'll check with the wife.
Thank you, Merry
Christmas.
- People just come up
and give you money?
- Yeah.
- Industry.
Hey, I don't mean
to be too forward,
but I'm a little light on
cash for the holidays and all.
Think you could help out?
- Warm in here, isn't it?
I want fresh air.
What the is this?
Hey!
You bunch of little delinquents!
- Go have fun.
Hey you kids, do
whatever you wanna do.
Merry Christmas.
- Yeah, you too.
Merry Christmas.
- It's so cold.
- Cold it is.
- So, which one's yours?
- You see the little
white one over there.
It's my girlfriend's and mine.
Yeah, she wanted a small dog.
I wanted a big dog.
So we compromised
and got a small dog.
- Compromise, huh?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, when you get married,
there's gonna be a lot
more compromises to come.
- So anyway, which dog is yours?
- I don't have a dog.
But it's all I want though.
I don't care about
any other gifts.
I either want it for my
birthday or Christmas.
- You know, a dog
can be a lot of work.
- You're a lot of work.
- That's what my mom says.
But I'll do it all by myself.
I'd walk it, I'd feed
it, I'd let it out,
I'd take it to the dog park.
And I'll hold it's paw
like that at the vet.
- I hope you get
your wish this year.
- Me too.
- All right guys, I am freezing.
I'm out of here.
Lovie, come here.
Lovie.
My girl friend named
her, obviously.
- Obviously.
- Come here, come here girl.
Can I ask you a favor?
If you get near her.
She knows her name.
If you just call it.
- Who me?
- I can't go with the crutches.
All you gotta do is
just get near her,
just call her name, and
she'll come right to you.
- Okay, well.
- I'm sorry, but-
- All right, I'll
give it a shot.
- Thanks, I appreciate it.
Thanks, just need to get near
her and say her name, Lovie.
- Come on dog.
- Don't chase after her.
If you chase her,
she's gonna run.
- That's a boy.
- He's back up.
Come here.
- Bloody dog, come on!
- Come.
See, you're a real-sized dog.
No, lady, lady don't.
Lady if you throw the ball,
she's gonna chase the ball.
- Uncle Ben, watch out!
- Aah.
- 20 bucks says Uncle
Ben falls first.
- Uncle Daryl is going down.
Dave, I just want to thank you
for inviting me and my family
to join you for Christmas.
- I wouldn't have it
any other way Matt.
- Me too, Dave.
From me and the whole
McCormick family,
Merry Christmas.
- Here's to my son,
man of the house.
Takes a lot of work
to have everybody in.
He never complained.
I'm proud of you, son.
- Thank you.
Everyone, thank you.
Let's eat, dig in.
- Boy oh boy oh boy,
that hit the spot.
- Anybody gave me a
belt for Christmas?
Who's ready for presents?
- Ah, come on Dave, really?
I think we need a little
nap before we can do that.
Come on, let's go.
- Santa can't deliver all
those presents in one night.
Do you know, how many houses
there are all over the world?
- Okay, if I can
deliver presents
to every house in this
block in 60 seconds or less,
that'll prove that
it's possible.
- I don't think that it does.
- Sure it does.
- Three, two, one. Go!
Go, go, go.
Go, go, go, go, go, go.
- That's it.
That is it.
I've had enough.
Probably Daryl, he always
takes a.
- Yeah, still putting
their names on things.
- We're having some drink.
- Oh, wow.
- Aah, that hit the spot.
Let's open presents.
- Honey?
You ready to open presents?
Almost.
- Quit stalling there, let's go.
Kids! Presents!
Yeah, I have a sponge.
- I just took it.
You know I'm not gonna use.
David!
David Madison, get out here.
- I'll be right back.
Wesley?
Merry Christmas.
- Put up your dukes,
you Yankee coward.
Aah!
- You think you Brits would
learn not to mess with America.
Geez.
- Oh, thanks dear.
Oh, look.
Oven mitts.
- I didn't know what to get her.
- Thanks dear.
- Ben,
what is that?
- It's Cabernet, fantastic wine.
You guys want me
to get you some?
- Ooh, no thank you,
I just don't allow beverages
in the living room.
- I won't spill, so.
- Oh well, it's just the rule.
Just sort of a house rule.
- I assure you, I am very good
with beverage management, Sandy.
- Oh, did you sew this yourself?
- I did.
- Thank you so much.
- You're welcome.
- I picked out the fabric.
- Thank you.
So pretty.
- Don't ever do that again.
- It's for you Aunt Carol.
- Thank you, honey.
It's-
- Because it's Christmas
and your birthday.
- Yeah.
- And you're 50.
- Yeah.
- It's a sign for the yard.
I'm gonna go put it out.
- It's okay sweetie,
we can do it later.
- And you're 50.
- Cut it out, dad.
- Honestly?
Is this really necessary?
I know it's my birthday.
- And you're 50.
I've heard.
- Okay, I'm opening.
Whose it from anyway?
- Me, Uncle Matt.
- Oh, thanks sweetie.
And it's a tie.
Thank you.
- Let's see it.
- Yeah, no, that's all right.
- Let's see.
- Do you like it, dad?
- Try it on.
- What?
- Go on.
Well, I'm already wearing-
- Try it on, Matt.
- All right.
All right, birthday girl.
- Let's give him a suplex.
Go, go, go.
- And that Ben,
is why we have a no beverages
in the living room policy.
- I'm just standing here.
- And now there's
wine on my carpet.
- Maybe you should have a
no full contact wrestling
in the living room
policy, Sandy.
- Looks like you got little
wine on you there partner.
- Yeah, little wine.
- That's why it's
good to have two ties.
That's gonna stain.
- All right kids, that's it.
Let's round up.
Everybody to bed.
Let's go, yeah, yeah!
Yeah yeah!
Okay, let's get the drinks.
- Yes, all right.
- Let's go, cowpoke.
- "Twas the night
before Christmas,
and all through the house,
not a creature was stirring,
not even a mouse.
The stockings were hung
by the chimney with care,
in hopes that Saint Nicholas
soon would be there.
The children were nestled all
snug in their wee little beds,
while visions of sugar plums
danced in their
wee little heads.
Mama in her kerchief,
and I in my cap,
Had just settled our brains
for a long winter's nap.
When out on the lawn there
arose such a clatter,
I sprang from my bed to
see what was the matter.
Away to the window
I flew like a flash,
tore open the shutters,
threw open the sash.
The moon on the breast
of the new-fallen snow
gave a luster of midday
to objects below.
When what to my wondering
eyes should appear,
but a miniature sleigh
and eight tiny reindeer.
With a little old driver
so lively and quick,
I knew in a moment that
it must be Saint Nick,
and he whistled and shouted
and called them by name.
Happy Christmas to all,
and to all a good night."
- You skipped some, Grandpa.
- Well, you got the gist of it.
Well, Grandpa loves you all.
Good night.
- Hey, we're going to bed.
- Good night.
- Good night.
- I'm going out for little walk.
- Wake up, wake up!
- What?
- He's here, he's really here.
- I knew it, I knew
Santa Claus is real.
- It's true, and tomorrow
I'm gonna get a
puppy for Christmas.
I'm gonna get a
puppy for Christmas.
- On Dancer, on Prancer,
dash away Richard Nixon,
NFL blitzin' and however
the heck it goes.
All led by a drunk reindeer
with a big red nose.
- You're taking
up all the space.
I need a spot for my
kid too, you know.
- What about in there?
- Yeah.
- What? Under the kitchen table?
- Sure.
- Yeah.
- You trying to invent
a new holiday, Matt?
Santa is not bringing
presents to Kassandra,
under the table.
- But, we're all set up
and we were here first.
- You're like Columbus
talking to the Indians.
This is my home.
Now, I'm gonna go
out to the trunk,
I'm gonna get Santa's presents,
And when I come back,
there's gonna be a nice
big space under that tree.
Okay?
- A drunken reindeer
with a big red nose.
- Pretty nice table.
- Yeah.
- Told Carol I'd be right up.
- We could just
play one quick game.
- All right.
- But I'm first.
- Another Christmas down,
another family Christmas
through the hole.
- She is my sister.
- What?
- She's also cold.
- Be there.
- No. No.
- Bring it up, just bring
it at me one more time.
- Come on, put it in there bro.
- One more.
One more, I know, one more.
Okay, one more, Ben.
Double digit.
- Wait for it.
Wait for it.
There it is Ben.
♪ Jingle all the way ♪
♪ Oh what fun ♪
♪ It is to ride ♪
♪ In a one horse
pen sleigh, hey! ♪
- Yay!
- It is fun.
- Well, you have too many bells.
♪ Bells on bob tail ring ♪
♪ Making spirits bright ♪
♪ What fun it is
to laugh and sing ♪
♪ A sleighing song
tonight, aah ♪
♪ Jingle bells, jingle bells ♪
- Shh.
- Oh, we don't want
to wake 'em up,
they're gonna come down.
- Besides, Santa's coming.
- That's right.
You know,
I spend a lot time asking people
what they would
like for Christmas.
May be I could tell
you what I would like.
Spend a little less on presents,
and give a little
more to charity.
Be kind to one another
because really,
that is what Christmas
is all about.
Now, here it is folks.
The main event,
live from Rockford, Michigan.
It's Christmas morning.
Ho ho ho!
- Guys, wake up, wake up.
Presents! It's
time for presents!
- They're up.
Come on, cowpoke, lets go.
- Couple more hours.
- You are not missing
Christmas morning.
- There's a camcorder
in the closet.
Videotape it.
- David,
up!
- Coffee.
Coffee.
- Matt, can you
make a fire, please?
Matt?
- Jeez, what?
- Make a fire please.
- Okay.
- Now, Matt?
- Okay.
All right, move over.
You too, get something to eat.
We'll have a fire mind you.
It's 78 degrees in here.
- Mister Madison?
- Dad?
- I'm stuck in the chimney.
Sandy!
Call 911!
Freezing
my rear end off.
- Mister Madison, what
are you doing up there?
- Get me the hell out of here,
then we can play
twenty questions with
my idiot son-in-law.
That Grandpa is
quite the character, isn't he?
Ho ho ho, as long
as I can remember,
he's been one of my favorites.
Oh, he's gone a little
gruff in his old age.
But he loves his family.
That's what's important.
- Just all kinds of stuff.
Just clutter.
The gifts are too big,
and nobody really needs them.
- What can I say?
I like the gifts though.
- Matt?
- Huh?
Yeah, sure, hon.
- Now look, I've put
everybody's name in the hat.
We'll each draw out a name,
and that's the person you're
buying a gift for next year.
- I's Christmas day, Carol.
Do we really need to
worry about it now?
- Yes, when else
will all be together?
If we don't talk about it now,
it will never get done.
Daryl, you get to go first.
- I got my name,
Daryl McCormick.
- There you go, you can buy
yourself some orange soda,
and put your name on it.
- Or oven mitts.
- You feeling better, Grandpa?
- Ah, me? Sure, sure.
Takes a lot more than that
to knock your old
Grandpa off his game.
How'd you do this year?
You make out?
- Okay, I guess.
- Okay, you guess?
- I don't wanna complain.
- You mean you didn't get
everything you wanted?
Well, maybe next year.
- No.
- No!
- I was really good this year.
Really, I was.
And that's all I wanted.
And if Santa Claus didn't
bring me a dog this year,
why would he next year?
- Well, maybe your
parents for your birthday.
- They never will.
I just thought, if
I was good enough
and if I wanted it bad.
- Well, I'm sorry.
You know, I did as best I could.
- I still love you, Grandpa.
- What was that?
- What?
- That noise.
- I don't hear anything.
- From the basement that
whining, barking sound.
A
puppy! I got a puppy!
I don't believe this.
- Dad, what's going on?
I
don't believe this.
What's the big deal?
- You can't just buy her a
dog without our permission.
- Unbelievable.
You had a
dog when you were a kid.
Every kid should have a dog.
- Do you even know
what kind it is?
It's a, it's a, well it's,
I don't know.
I told the guy to get a big dog,
you don't want those
little rat dogs.
- This is a major
family decision, Dad.
A dog is a lot of work.
- Nonsense, you always
over-dramatize everything.
No, don't let him up
That knee, it's bad.
Get off there!
Down, come here.
Get off there!
David, do something!
I got him, I got him.
Oh, my
china.
- So, there you have it.
The Madisons got a
dog for Christmas.
Dave and Sandy may not
have wanted him at first,
but, throughout the years,
that dog brought a lot of love
into the Madison home.
Dave swore that he would never
have any of his or Sandy's
family over ever again.
Well, you know Dave,
next year he was
excited as ever.
It wasn't always easy.
One year, Dave got kicked
while trying to set up
a live reindeer display
in the front yard.
Then there was the time
he nearly froze to death,
while trying to prove to Sandy
that the ice was thick
enough for skating.
Well, over time,
we gained a few new
Madisons and well,
we lost an older one.
But the family and their loving
dog always stayed together.
From all of us here
at Rockford, Michigan,
Merry Christmas,
and to all a good night.