Chainsaw Sally (2004) - full transcript

(crickets chirping)

(soft mysterious music)

- [Sally Voiceover] God, I hate to wait.

I hate it more than those
stupid Girls Gone Crazy

commercials that are on late-night TV.

Crazy.

Those girls don't know from crazy.

They should be called Girls Got Drunk

and Lost Any Fraction of
Dignity and Self-Respect,

not Girls Gone Crazy.

If they want crazy, they should come here.



This town is crazy.

If you were to pull back the vinyl siding,

the dollar-store curtains and the plastic

lawn ornaments in almost half
the houses in Porterville,

you'd find a world of wickedness.

But, fuck it, every town
has its dark side, I figure.

I was taking care of things just fine

on my own, till a few days ago.

(clock ticking)

- [Stan] Come on, Vickie, how
much longer are you gonna be?

- I'll be done soon, hon, really I will.

- All these reports for school,
it's all a buncha bullshit.

I never did no reports for
school, and look at me.

- Yeah, look at you.



- You know what? Blow me, Bonnie.

I have a job, don't I?

- Excuse me, sir.

I'm afraid I'm going to have to ask you

to keep your voice down.

- Me? They were talking too.

- Yeah, if you could keep
it down just a little.

Thanks.

- See what you did not, Bonnie?

You got little Miss Frosted
Flake all pissed off at me.

- No problem, shithead.

- Fuck this, I'm getting outta here.

- Stan, would you shut up?

You're gonna get us all kicked outta here.

- You know what? Fuck you
too, you little bookworm.

Bye, Vick.

- Baby, don't go. I'll
make it worth your while.

- God, Vickie, you're such a doormat.

- I got your doormat right here, Bonnie.

- Sir, please be quiet in the library.

The other patrons are
trying to concentrate.

I'd appreciate it if you didn't make me

come over here again,

or I'm afraid I'll have
to ask you to leave.

- Hey, no problem. I'll keep it down.

I'm very quiet.

Frigid little freak.

(clock ticking)

Listen, I gotta take a piss.

When I'm done, I am gone
... with or without you.

All right?

(Stan grumbling)

(soft piano music)

- That boy'll come to
no good. Mark my words.

- Well, I hope not.

- Well some folks just ain't
got no couth like us, Sal.

- No, I guess not.

- Well, see you, hon.

- Have a pleasant afternoon.

(clock ticking)

(soft dramatic music)

(throat clearing)

(fly buzzing)

(groaning)

- I said be quiet in the library.

(upbeat music)

♪ Out late last night ♪

♪ We were howling in the graveyard again ♪

♪ Out late last night ♪

♪ We were digging up a few of my friends ♪

♪ But by the light of the moon
there was nowhere to hide ♪

♪ We were drinking down a
bottle of formaldehyde ♪

♪ Out late last night ♪

♪ We were howling in the graveyard again ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Out late last night ♪

♪ We were chilling in
the graveyard again ♪

♪ Out late last night ♪

♪ We were chilling with
a few of my friends ♪

♪ When the mummy showed up,
well, he was fit to be tied ♪

♪ Everybody started dancing
when the werewolves cried ♪

♪ Out late last night we had a
party in the graveyard again ♪

♪ Yeah you got that right ♪

♪ Out late last night, where you been? ♪

♪ Buddy bought the farm ♪

♪ So tonight I'll see him off again ♪

♪ If you're out for a
ride, be sure to be by ♪

♪ The gravekeeper's
gotta be deeper inside ♪

♪ You got that right ♪

♪ There'll be a party
in the graveyard again ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Yeah you got that right, ♪

♪ Out late last night, where you been? ♪

♪ Buddy bought the farm ♪

♪ So tonight I'll see him off again ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Out late last night we were
rocking in the graveyard again ♪

♪ Out late last night we were rolling ♪

♪ With a few of my friends ♪

♪ Drac and the boys
always quick to oblige ♪

♪ Driving home in his hearse
we had a hell of a ride ♪

♪ Out late last night rocking
in the graveyard again ♪

♪ We were out late last night ♪

♪ Chilling in the graveyard again ♪

♪ Out late last night ♪

♪ We were howling in the graveyard again ♪

♪ That's right, boy,
don't Bogart that part ♪

♪ Nothing like a stiff belt of
formaldehyde in the morning ♪

(upbeat music)

♪ Whoo ♪

- Dental records.

(hammer smashing)

(group chattering)

- Ladies and gentlemen.
Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Many, many months of
planning have gone into this.

Now let us not let petty, petty

differences impede our progress.

This opportunity is being handed
to us on a silver platter.

- [Sally Voiceover] This
is the thorn in my side,

the turd in my punchbowl,
the piss in my cereal

and for now the bane of my very existence.

Harvey Fucking Benton.

- Now is the time for
our humble, charming town

to make the proverbial
jump into the 21st century.

Now, let us show a little
respect for our guest.

Mr. Benton.

- Thank you, Mr. Mayor, my friends

and hopefully my new neighbors.

Porterville has incredible
growth potential.

Witness what has happened just
in the last six months alone.

Phase One is now complete.

Affordable, low-cost
waterfront condominiums

starting in the low 200s,
and sales are better

than we ever expected.

Phase Two is now underway.

We are in the process of
acquiring the Kellerman property,

over 200 acres of nothing
that will contain condos

and marinas right up to
the Porterville waterfront.

- This is the part I wanna hear.

- Ladies and gentlemen,
I give you Phase Three.

Benton's Quest.

(gasping)

Four glorious miles of
waterfront property,

shopping centers, office
buildings, movie theaters,

restaurants, nightclubs.

Porterville will no
longer be that little town

that you pass on the way
to the shopping centers.

Porterville will be the place to go.

- What's next, casinos, gambling?

- Our taxes will skyrocket.

- What about the town?

- You'll turn Porterville
into Benton's Ghetto.

- Ladies and gentlemen, please.

Don't you want better
opportunities for your children

and for your families to thrive?

- The children? How will this help?

- I couldn't afford to
live there. Can you, Mayor?

- It'll bring more crime
than we've ever had here.

(coughing)

- You all know me.

Born in Porterville.

Raised here, schooled here.

Make my living here.

It was home of my birth pappy
and his pappy before him.

You're talking about a
lot of money, Mr. Benton.

Money that I don't see
flowing up Main Street

into the people's businesses.

Into their pockets, for their families.

For 67 years, I'd get up with the sun

and look outta my window.

And for 67 years, the river greeted me.

But if you have your way,

a year from now, I'll
get up in the morning

and look out of the window and

have this big, ugly, 75-foot-tall

silver cock in my face.

I hope I won't have to see that.

You all know what you have to do.

I said my peace.

But if you let Mr. Benton
and the mayor have their way,

they'll swallow you up whole

and leave you all in the poor house.

A little shaking, a little tenderizing,

and they'll eat you alive.

Make up your minds.

- I ask you to please
consider my proposal.

Give us another chance
to talk after I have

the opportunity to speak
to Steve Kellerman.

- Please, call me Steve.

- Thanks, Cynthia.

- [Steve] Cynthia.

- Well, have a seat.

I must admit, you're a very
hard man to find, Mr. Kellerman.

- Well I travel a lot.

- (chuckles) I'm sure
you're a very busy man.

Business or pleasure?

- Both, actually.

- Mm, must be nice.

I can't remember the last
time I left Maryland.

- Is that Mr. Benton's offer?

- Yes, it is.

I'll be honest with you, Mr. Kellerman.

I'm surprised you came here in person.

Like I said, you're not the
easiest man to get a hold of.

Your attorneys haven't
exactly been very helpful.

- Yeah, well.

I pay them a lot of money to handle things

that I'd rather not handle.

And I own a lot of things that

I don't even know the half of.

Like this property, for instance.

- It was willed to you by your
late uncle James Kellerman.

- I know that much. My
people filled me in.

- If you're not busy, we could drive

out there now and take a look.

- That's why I'm here.

- Here you go.

- Okay, thank you very much.

- [Sally Voiceover] Good old Mr. Gordon.

He's like a ray of sunshine
in this shitty little town.

He's been like a father to me.

I think.

Well, as close as I can figure
a father to be like anyway.

- Well, hello, Miss Sally.

How are you this fine and sunny day?

- Hunky dory, Mr. Gordon, and you?

- Can't complain.

- And even if you did-

- Who would listen?
- Who would listen?

- What can I do you for?

We're having a big sale
in our gardening section.

- Well that sure sounds
swell, but all I really need

is a new handle for our hammer.

- Well I'll be.

You musta really been whacking
the heck outta something.

- Let's see what we've got.

- [Harvey] He and Cynthia are together

right now, as far as I know.

- You think Kellerman'll sell?

- Do you know any good
reason why he wouldn't?

- No.

- Besides, there's not
a straight man alive

who can say no to Cynthia Prescott.

- I don't imagine so.

- Would you?

- Only if I didn't have
my little blue pill.

- Please, if Cynthia couldn't
get you up, no pill could.

(laughing)

(soft mysterious music)

- Well, here we are.

(soft mysterious music)

The house obviously needs some work,

but it's still quite a place.

- You aren't kidding.

(soft mysterious music)

Benton wants to tear this down?

- Well Harvey wants to-

(phone ringing)

Hold on a second.

Cynthia Prescott.

Oh, hi, Harvey.

Yes, I'm showing Mr.
Kellerman the property now.

Hang on.

It's Harvey Benton.

He wants to know what time
you'd like to meet tomorrow.

- You call it.

I'm all yours.

- Anytime, Harvey.

Okay, great, one o'clock it is.

See you then.

- 200 acres, right down to the waterfront.

Any other buildings on the property?

- Just the barns we passed on the way in.

I'd give you the grand
tour but it's getting late,

and I'll be honest with you,

this place really creeps me out.

- Old houses creep you out?

- Not old houses.

This one.

They say that an entire family
was attacked and murdered,

right before Christmas,
about 15 years ago.

- [Steve] Murdered, in this house?

Swell.

- [Cynthia] Legend has it
that there were three escaped

lunatics from the mental
hospital right here in town.

They say the men forced their
way into the house and shot

the man who lived there
at point-blank range.

He was probably dead
before he hit the ground.

After killing the man, they found his wife

and proceeded to beat and rape her,

over and over, so they say.

Musta been horrible.

No bodies were found.

Who knows what they could
have done with the family?

Some people even say that
the lunatics ate them,

because all that was
found where body parts,

blood and traces of semen.

- Damn.

You said there was a family.

Were there children?

- I don't know.

Some say there were.

Others say no.

- Jesus.

And now I'm the proud owner.

Great.

- [Cynthia] Well ...
that was a long time ago.

(mysterious music)

- [Sally Voiceover] This
is my brother, Ruby.

I raised him from a cub,

like the wolves did
Mowgli in The Jungle Book.

I guess he's got some issues,

but I don't really know
anyone who doesn't.

(upbeat music)

♪ Let me go ♪

♪ Hoping to forget to ♪

♪ Under the crescent moon ♪

♪ Popping in my room ♪

(chainsaw revving)

♪ Who makes the bed? ♪

♪ Now seems to be alive,
bleeding into my eye ♪

(chainsaw revving)

(dramatic music)

(chainsaw roaring)

- Tina?

(sniffling)

(soft mysterious music)

(birds chirping)

(mysterious music)

Tina?

Come out, come out wherever you are.

(twig snapping)

(mysterious music)

Duck,

duck,

duck,

goose!

(screaming)

Tina, there you are.

I've been looking for you.

Waiting, waiting.

You never came back.

Why, Tina?

- Why?

I don't know what you're talking about.

- Don't pretend you don't know.

- Please.

I have no idea what you're talking about.

- No idea?

No idea!

(screaming)

Is it not true that in June of last year

you checked out a book
from the public library?

Is it not true that you, Tina Gray,

checked out Atkins for Life
by the late Robert C. Atkins?

And is it not true that
since then that book

has not been able to be checked out

by any other patron of the
Porterville Public Library?

(crying)

- Yes, I guess so (cries).

- And why is that, Tina?

Why is that, Tina?

- Because (cries) I never brought it back.

- That's right, you never did.

And now your fine is in the double digits.

But, Tina, you only live four blocks away.

I sent notices.

I sent letters.

What the fuck is wrong
with you, girly girl?

Now, there's a bunch of fucking fat asses

waddling around Porterville,

and it's all thanks to your complete

and utter lack of responsibility!

(screaming)

(chainsaw roaring)

(intense dramatic music)

Oh great, now I have to change.

(intense dramatic music)

(indistinct singing)

♪ Let's go ♪

(muffled upbeat music)

- I know this place isn't much,

but it is the only bar in town.

- I like it.

- You are just not at all what I expected.

- What does that mean?

- Well, I know the Kellerman name and

I know the Kellerman wealth.

- Go ahead.

- Well,

I guess I just didn't expect, um.

- Bum?

- No, not a bum.

Someone so

down to earth.

- Down to earth?

That's an interesting way of putting it.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I didn't mean to make
you feel uncomfortable.

- Nah.

Me?

I'm never uncomfortable.

- You bastard.

Last night you said that--

- No no no, last night
was just pillow talk.

- You bastard.

- You're acting like a
damn child. Just grow up.

- But you used me.

- Who used who, babes?

Who used who?

- Man, fuck you.

- No no no, see, that was last night.

And to hear you brag about it,

you know what, you're not all that.

If you were, I mighta
given you another spin.

Hear you talk, I expected
sparklers to shoot out your ass.

Make love by the rockets red glare,

but you know what, in reality,
you're nothing special.

You're just another backseat pit stop.

- Welcome to Porterville.

- I've had enough
entertainment for one night.

How about you?

- You ready to get outta here?

- [Steve] Let's roll.

- Oh, hey wait.

Do you mind if, when we
get back to your room,

I can come up and get those papers

that we need for the meeting
with Harvey tomorrow?

I can get Pat to make copies.

- Sounds like a plan.

- Okay.

(soft music)

(balls colliding)

(soft music)

- Hey there, pretty lady.

You want a game?

- Nope, not into games.

- Pool, babes. I meant pool.

(soft music)

- [Sally] Oh, I know what you meant.

- Derrick, babes.

I'm Derrick Bradly.

I think you should let me buy you a drink.

- What about your girlfriend?

- Well, I'm already wearing hers,

and she ain't my girlfriend.

She's a mental case.

- And how do you know
I'm not a mental case?

- I can tell, babes.

You got your shit together.

There ain't nothing wrong
with a girl like you.

- This is it.

Here we are.

- I just love this place.

- Here you go.

- Oh, great.

I'll have Pat get on these
first thing in the morning.

- Well, thanks for a very
entertaining evening.

Floor show and all.

See you tomorrow.

- Yeah, you sure will.

- Good night.

- Night.

(dramatic piano music)

(soft moaning)

(soft dramatic music)

(seat belt clicking)

(soft dramatic music)

- Are you ready for the fireworks?

- Oh yeah, babes, I'm ready.

I'm ready.

(soft dramatic music)

Oh.

(dramatic music)

(groaning)

Oh, oh yeah.

- Do you see them yet?

The fireworks, I mean.

- Oh, God! Oh my God!

- You know, for all your bragging
you sure aren't all that.

If you were even half as good as you said,

I mighta let you live longer.

Hearing you talk, I expected sparklers

to shoot out your ass.

Love by the rockets red glare.

In reality, you're nothing special.

(screaming)

(upbeat music)

(Derrick crying)

(hard breathing)

(upbeat music)

(groaning)

- Oh, oh, oh.

- [Sally] Just be glad I didn't have

any firecrackers, you big baby.

(dramatic music)

(engine starting)

(violin music)

- [Zeke] Looks like Sally's working late.

- Yep, sure does.

Librarians, it's always the quiet ones.

Hey, I ever tell you guys
about the time I dated a mime?

- Only about a gazillion times.

- You didn't date no mime.

- The hell I didn't.

It was great.

She used to do that walking
against the wind shit.

It was fantastic.

She was a very flexible girl.

- I bet she was.

- Don't encourage him.

- No, it was awesome, really.

She was double-joined too.

She used to do things to blow your mind.

She'd get a, tie a knot in a
cherry stem with her tongue.

- Pfft, I could do that.

- I'll give you $10 if
you can do that right now.

- Hell yeah.

(upbeat music)

(muffled music)

- Ruby, I'm home.

- Well it's about time.
My supper's almost ruined.

Did you bring groceries?

Could you get drinks?

That blonde lady was back
up at the house again today.

You know, the one that
has the pointy titties.

Her and some guy that I didn't know.

- Shit, why didn't you say something?

- I just did.

- That's Cynthia Prescott.

That bitch is gonna be trouble.

- Right here in River City?

- No, Harvey Fucking Benton,
that's what kinda trouble.

He's been building and
building and working his way

towards us like a swarm of locusts.

He's about to be knocking
on our front door.

Little Miss Barbie Doll
is his calling card.

- Well, fuck a furry duck.

- Ruby, don't talk like that.

You should never fuck farm animals.

It'll rot your Twinkee off
and make you smell funny.

You don't want that, do you?

Now come on, let's eat.

Don't get your panties in a bunch.

I'll find out more about it tomorrow.

Don't worry, I'll take care of it.

You just keep an eye out for Cynthia.

Ugh, oh, we better get the
groceries off the porch first.

(crickets chirping)

- Um, what'd you do with
his, um ... pee pistol?

- Oh.

- Thanks.

(dramatic music on TV)

- I believe it's well hung anyway.

For until then, I am Count Gore de Vol.

- [Sally Voiceover] I
wonder how many late-night

horror movies we've watched on that couch.

I can't even remember the last time

I fell asleep in my own bed.

I love Ruby. He's my family,
at least all that's left.

But he really needs to bathe more often.

(vehicles passing)

- Excuse me, I was wondering
if you could point me

in the direction of your town's
newspapers and periodicals.

- Of course, sir, follow me.

(clock ticking)

Here we are.

All these papers are organized by date.

If you need a more extensive collection,

you'll need to go to our main branch.

- Thanks.

Excuse me.

You'll pardon me for asking, but

are you?

- Am I what?

- Are you, um?

Nothing, nothing.

- Very well, sir.

Please let me know if I can
be of any more assistance.

- Thanks.

(clock ticking)

(phone ringing)

Hello.

- Sh.

- Okay, I'll see you.

Bye-bye.

(soft mysterious music)

(soft dramatic music and vocalizing)

("Hark the Herald Angels Sing")

(muffled knocking on door)

("Hark the Herald Angels Sing")

(gun firing)

(dramatic music)

(muffled shouting)

(dramatic music)

(chainsaw roaring)

(dramatic music)

(hard breathing)

(soft mysterious music)

- Daddy, are you all right?

- I don't think so, baby.

- [Sally] You killed them, Daddy.

- I'm so sorry, baby.

I'm so sorry you had to see that.

- Daddy, you killed them.
Why did they come here, why?

- I don't know, baby. I just don't know.

Sometimes ... life just isn't fair.

But I had to kill them, baby,
to protect you and Ruby.

I had to.

An eye for an eye.

Those were bad men.

- Why, Daddy, why?

- I'm so sorry, baby.

If I had,

had just.

(soft mysterious music)

Take care of your brother,
like we took care of you.

- Daddy.

- You gotta take care of him.

He can't.

- Daddy, don't.

Daddy!

(soft piano music)

- Mr. Kellerman, so nice
to finally meet you.

Please, come in and have a seat.

Cynthia, please.

- Thanks, Mr. Benton.

I have heard a lot about you.

- (chuckles) All good things, I'm sure.

But please, call me Harvey.

All my good friends call me Harvey.

- Thanks.

And please also call me Steve.

When I hear Mr. Kellerman,
I start looking for my dad.

(laughing)

You look like a man with
something on his mind.

- Always.

Always something on my mind.

And I bet you can tell me what that is.

- Money.

- Money?

Good answer, one of my favorites, but

no, not this time.

I think about the future,

and how I can mold that future.

That's what I'm about, Steve.

What about you?

- Well, at the moment,
I'm thinking about how

you will grow and mold my future.

- I like that.

A straight shooter, right from
the hip, that's a good thing.

Hmm.

You know, I'm in the position
to make you a very rich man.

Wealthier than your wildest dreams.

- I don't know, I can dream pretty big.

- I bet you do dream big,
but I am the person who got

those hill jacks to take
their cars off blocks

in their front yards, and I
am the person who got people

to go out and do something
other than cash a welfare check.

And I'm the person who
can take this two-bit,

piece-of-shit town, and turn it

into the community that it should be.

That's me, Steve. Now what about you?

- Hell, I wanna move in right now.

Maybe I should hold on to my
land and see what happens.

- Why would you wanna stay here?

Aren't there greener pastures for you?

I mean, what are you gonna do,

just sit around and
watch those weeds grow?

- But you just said.

- But, you know what I said.

And you know what I mean.

Mr. Kellerman, Steve,

I think we both know why you're here.

- Yeah, yeah, we do.

So ... let's get down to business.

- Let's get down to business.

You've got 200 acres that
divides Porterville in half,

and I'm the person that can
pull that town together.

I've written down a nice, tidy little sum.

I think once you try this on,

you're going to see that
it makes a very nice feet.

(soft music)

(chuckling)

- It's a very big number.

Mr. Benton, it was a pleasure to meet you.

Cynthia, I'll be in touch.

- You're leaving?

- I have a lot to think about.

You'll have my answer in 24 hours.

(soft music)

- 24 hours, my ass.

That pinprick little shit,
he's just sitting around

waiting for me to raise my offer.

He thinks he's gonna sit here and wait

for my balls to start
sweating, I don't think so.

You better get an
autograph on that contract,

or shit is gonna hit the fan.

Cyn, you do whatever it takes.

And I mean whatever.

(crickets chirping)

- Hi.

I was doing some research
on some old articles,

and it looks like some things are missing.

- Missing?

That's impossible.

- Well you might wanna have
a look because it looks like

somebody's taken the
scissors to your files.

(clock ticking)

(soft music and vocalizing)

- Why do some people have
to destroy everything?

I'm so sorry, sir.

- Steve.

- Look, if you need any
help with your research,

I'll be happy to do what I can.

It's never very busy in
here on the weekdays, so.

- Thanks, that'd be great.

- So, what are you looking for?

- Well have you ever heard of that story

about the old house up on Route 40?

The one where the family was murdered?

- Murdered? Oh my God, when?

- Oh no no no no no, this
was like 15 years ago or so.

Three escaped mental patients.

- Yeah, everyone in
Porterville's heard that story,

but I don't think it's really true.

I mean, I've been living here all my life

and I've never seen any proof of it.

It's just one of those-

- Town stories?

- Exactly.

I think you may be chasing a fairy tale.

- Well, maybe so, but ...
somehow it interests me.

Would you mind pointing
me in the right direction?

- Sure, I'd be happy to.

And if I can't, I'm sure that George can.

- Oh, uh, George.

Hey, um.

Is he, um?

You know, is he?

- Oh no, he's just a little
effeminate, that's all.

(clock ticking)

(screaming)

(chainsaw roaring)

(screaming)

(dramatic music)

- Ruby.

- [Ruby] What?

- She didn't twist her ankle
like that in the movie.

You're thinking of the ones with Jason.

- No I'm not. I'm doing
Jamie Lee in Halloween.

(high-pitched squealing)

- Why do you always have
to mix up the movies?

- I'm not mixing it up.

I like to add my own artistic license.

Hey, I'm thinking about taking a shower.

Do you wanna play Norman?

- Nah.

How about a game of Twister?

- Okay.

But wait, all we have
is left hands and feet.

- That's okay.

We'll just cut the thumbs
off a couple of rights.

- Okay.

- Want me to make some popcorn?

- [Ruby] Sure.

- [Sally Voiceover] Cut the
thumbs off a couple of rights?

That made sense.

Actually, I wouldn't have
minded playing Norman with Ruby,

but since he's older,
it's gotten kinda weird.

(clock ticking)

- Hey, it's five o'clock. It's
about time for me to lock up.

- Really?

Oh man, time flies.

Thanks for all your help today.

- I don't know how much help I was.

I mean, we didn't find anything.

- Good night, Sally, Mr. Kellerman.

- Night, George.

- Good night.

(door closing)

Anyway, you were great.

Hey, let me return the favor.

I saw a little ice cream
shop down the street.

Wanna have some with me?

- Uh, sure, that'd be nice.

Let me get my things and I'll
meet you by the front door.

(clock ticking)

- Hey, isn't that that rich guy
that owns all that property?

- Where?

- Right there, with the librarian.

- Him?

He's rich?

- Yep, worth millions.

I saw him yesterday, and
he was driving a hummer.

- I got a hummer for him.

What the shit is he doing with her?

My customer.

- Geez, ho.

- Oh.

I'll have a small chocolate shake.

- A small chocolate shake please,

and I'll have a chocolate banana malt.

- A malt?

You mean, a shake?

- Yeah, it's a shake with malt in it.

You have malt on the menu.

- Yeah, okay, got it.

- You spell malt with an A not an O.

- I think I know how to spell malt.

That's 4.75, good-looking.

(muffled upbeat music)

Here you go.

- [Steve] Thanks.

- You know, I get off in about an hour,

if you wanna buy me some ice cream.

- Thanks, but I got plans already.

- Yeah, I see that.

(muffled upbeat music)

- Thanks.

- Why don't you give me a call

when it's not pity fuck night?

♪ I am above it ♪

♪ I am above all ♪

(upbeat rock music)

(stapler clicking)

- Well, evening there, Miss Sally.

Don't worry about this turd.

He's got priors.

He's probably just off somewhere drunk or

shacked up with a big-tittied pole dancer

from the all-night booby bar.

I wouldn't worry about him.

Actually kinda surprised
he hasn't, you know,

knocked up his sister or nothing yet.

Well, evening.

- Evening.

- [Sally Voiceover] Now I ask
you, how can you not feel safe

with a crack team like
Zeke and Earl on the job?

I shouldn't complain.

They do make my job easier.

They just need to be pointed
in the right direction

from time to time.

(upbeat guitar music)

(birds chirping)

- Do you think Batman was gay?

(birds chirping)

- [Steve] No.

Bruce Wayne was a millionaire playboy.

What makes you think he's gay?

- [Sally] Well, the Batman
I'm talking about is the one

on TV, and he seemed a little gay.

(birds chirping)

- [Steve] TV? They had
that foxy Julie Newmar.

- Yeah, but he never
did anything with her.

It was always Robin that he went home to.

Thus confirming his love of dick.

(birds chirping)

- Dick Grayson, his youthful ward?

He was like a ... father figure to him.

- Mm-hm, father figure.

- Well it was the '60s.

It's not like you could have
Batman bedding Catwoman.

- Yeah, but two guys in tights
sliding down polls all day,

you've gotta admit that it's a bit gay.

- They were superheroes,
charging out of the Bat Cave

in the middle of the night
to fight injustice in Gotham.

- Yeah, they ran around
tying men up all day long.

Not gay at all.

- They were crime fighters.

(upbeat music)

♪ You can't see me ♪

♪ I'm right near you ♪

- So you think that makes it okay,

getting rid of the bad guys?

Even though they weren't cops.

- Well, sure.

They were heroes, and they
only went after bad guys.

- So that makes it okay?

- Sure.

Plus, anybody who gets to slide down polls

to fight crime can't be all bad.

- (chuckles) Sliding down polls.

You're right.

How could I ever have
questioned his masculinity?

♪ Right in front of your eyes ♪

What time is it getting to be?

- Time.

It's going on 7:30.

- Oh, 7:30?

Oh my God, I've gotta run.

Look, I'll see you tomorrow, okay?

♪ The invisible man ♪

- See you tomorrow.

(soft music)

- Well?

- Well what?

- Well where were you?

God fucking shit, dammit, God dammit.

My dinner was ruined, you poopoo head,

and I hate you!

- Look what you're doing
to the goddam wall!

Would you look?

(soft music)

I swear to God, Ruby, if you
don't give me that knife,

I will pull out your tongue by the roots

and feed it to the dog.

- We don't have a dog. We ate it.

- Well I'll get another one,
and we'll see what happens.

- Sally, don't pull out my tongue.

- Give me the knife then.

Okay, that's better.

(knife whooshing)

Did you wanna hear about my night or not?

Well then stop being such a big baby

and come over here and talk with me.

I was with Steve.

- Who's Steve?

- Just this guy I met at the library.

- What'd you do?

- Talked.

- Talked?

For all those hours, all you did is talk?

- Yep, that's all we did.

And he bought me ice cream.

- [Ruby] Did you bring me any?

- No.

How was I supposed to bring you any?

It woulda melted by the time I got home.

- I wanted ice cream, and
we have hardly anything

to eat in the house at all.

- What happened to all
the fudgesicles I bought?

- I ate them.

- You ate them?

You ate them all?

I thought you said we
didn't have anything to eat.

I can't believe you
ate all 10 fudgesicles.

Doesn't matter.

I have to see a girl about some groceries

tomorrow night anyway.

(upbeat music)

- There he is.

He's waking up.

Don't squirm.

That's no way to become a
pretty, pretty princess.

There.

All dressed up and no place to go.

- I sure hope we're not
keeping you from anything.

I know we have plans in about two hours.

See, Count Gore's coming on.
We try to never miss that.

Tonight is a really good one.

- He's showing toolbox murders.
It's one of our favorites.

- So, in honor of tonight's presentation,

we're going to play a little game.

It's called.

- Da da da na!

- Toolbox Murders, the Home Game.

So long, Mr. Man.

Stop it.

Stop it.

Don't be such a baby.

You know, I don't know
what your problem is.

You've got the easy part.

Just sit there on your fat ass.

You know, like you always do.

(muffled screaming)

(dramatic music)

(muffled screaming)

(blade whirring)

(muffled screaming)

Now that didn't take very long, did it?

- Nope.

Another hour and 53 minutes to go.

(muffled crying)

- Now this will really
solve your inchworm problem.

I guarantee you, once they get this,

there won't be one of them
more than half an inch long.

- Hi, Mr. Gordon.

- Hello, my dear.

- And how are you today?

- Well I can't complain,
and even if I did-

- Who would listen?
- Who would listen?

- Well I would, Mr. G, you know that.

- I know you would.

So, what can I do you for today, Sally?

- I thought I'd take a
look at that gardening sale

you were talking about, is it still on?

- Sure is, right back in there.

- [Sally] Thanks.

- I'll be back to help you in
a moment. Is that okay, hon?

- Okay.
- All right.

(upbeat music)

(mysterious music)

(muffled speaking)

- [Sally] Daddy!

- [Sally Voiceover] So,
we packed up everything

we could haul in our
wagon and moved it all

into a trailer someone
had started converting

into a house back in the woods.

It took a few trips, but we
got everything we needed.

No one knew we were back there,

and the trailer was well in
the center of our property.

There wasn't even a road to it.

Just what was left of a path.

- I guess you do have some
serious gardening to do.

- Just got some things that need

clearing away from the house.

(soft music)

(upbeat music)

(muffled music)

- [Sally] Ruby, I'm going out soon.

How's it going down there?

(muffled music)

- Almost done.

(muffled music)

Can I go out tonight?

- No, not tonight, I got
something I gotta do.

- [Ruby] Steve?

- No, I'm not going to do Steve.

Not tonight anyway.

But I am gonna be bringing someone home,

so make sure it's
presentable down there, okay?

- I will.

Bossy butt.

(muffled music)

(crickets chirping)

(door closing)

(engine starting)

(car passing)

(knocking on door)

- I was on my way out to
dinner, and I hate to eat alone.

(upbeat dance music)

(spraying)

(upbeat dance music)

(spraying)

(upbeat dance music)

♪ I watched her tonight on Channel Four ♪

♪ I like what she says she does ♪

♪ She deserves a lot of credit for ♪

♪ Faking authentic prose ♪

♪ But how could she know
how the damage is done? ♪

♪ How could she know that
she's much too young? ♪

- [Sally Voiceover] I
love nightclub hunting.

So many people, so little time.

It's like an all-you-can-eat buffet.

Do I want white or dark meat?

Do I want Italian, Mexico or asshole?

Sh.

Be very very quiet.

I'm hunting skinny-ass bitches
who need a spelling lesson.

♪ She scattered the carcass
all over the place ♪

♪ All over the place ♪

♪ I don't like Judy Foster ♪

♪ I don't like myself ♪

♪ I don't like singing softer ♪

♪ I like to hear it myself ♪

(indistinct singing)

(soft rock music)

♪ She showed me her parlor tricks ♪

♪ That night was such a blur ♪

- I love you.

I love you too.

What's gonna happen?

I don't know, but I think we're gonna die!

(upbeat music)

- You live here?

(upbeat music)

- This is some freaky shit.

(upbeat music)

(soft music)

So, we gonna,

you gonna tie me up?

(soft music)

I've been so naughty.

What are you gonna do to me?

Do I need a spanking?

(soft music)

♪ Chain me up ♪

♪ You may embrace the nighttime ♪

♪ Find yourself fluttering
above your bed ♪

♪ That's a look ahead
I could live without ♪

♪ Out, go to your room ♪

♪ Out, like I think I'm on fire ♪

♪ Out, where you wouldn't go ♪

♪ No bridges, no steps ♪

♪ No roads ♪

♪ No hero ♪

- How do you spell malt?

- Malt?

What?

- How do you spell malt?

- Um.

- Do you like being scratched?

- Scratch me.

(flesh tearing)

(groaning)

(screaming)

(screaming)

(whimpering)

I wanna go home, let me down.

- Aw, but you can't go.

Not before dessert.

Not on pity fuck night!

(upbeat dance music)

(muffled crying)

(upbeat dance music)

- Late night last night?

- Yes, I'm sorry it was.

How are you today?

- Fine.

Fine.

Could I get a cup of that?

- Sure, hang on, I'll get you some.

What do you take in it?

- Cream and sugar.

- More research today?

- Yeah, well, maybe.

I don't know.

It has been a very strange few days.

- That's funny.

I didn't think much of anything strange

happened in Porterville.

- Huh, well there is more strangeness here

than you may be aware of.

You just might be the most
normal person in this town.

- That's funny.

- Here's what I don't get.

Why is Harvey Benton so
interested in that land?

Check that, I mean, I know why he is.

Why is he so obsessed with it?

The price he offered me is three times

what it's really worth.

What is he planning to do with that land?

- Land?

What land are you talking about?

The farm you've been researching?

- Yeah.

That's my property.

I thought you knew that.

- No, I guess I didn't.

How could I have been so stupid?

- What does that mean?

- Nothing.

So what do you think you're going to do?

- I don't know.

I'm tempted to just sell him the land

and get the hell out of Dodge.

What about you?

You live here.

Do you wanna see the land developed?

(door opening and closing)

- Hey there, stranger.

- Hey. How are you?

- Great, you?

- Fine, slept like a baby.

- I could tell.

Glad I could help (chuckles).

So, are you free for lunch today?

- Yeah, sure, what time?

- Why don't you come up to
my office, say, noonish?

- Okay.

I'll see you then.

- Great.

Until then.

(soft dramatic music)

- So, I didn't know if
you'd want this or not,

but over in the main branch I had them

pull some articles for
you on the property.

You know, if you're still interested.

- Oh yeah, I am.

Oh, that's great.

(soft dramatic music)

- I told them you'd be up
tomorrow afternoon sometime,

so they said they'd have the
articles ready for you by then.

- That's perfect. Thanks so much.

- Sure, it was nothing.

Oh, and while you're
here, I'll get a printout

of a map so you can find
the library tomorrow.

- Thanks again.

- George, do you mind kind
of watching things out here?

I need to make a private
phone call in the back.

- Oh sure, take your time.

- Thanks.

- No problem, hon.

(clock ticking)

- Oh my goodness.

- I have a delivery
here for Miss Prescott.

- I'll take those.

(bright music)

Here you go.

- [Delivery Man] Thanks
a lot, have a nice day.

- [Pat] Cynthia, guess what you got.

- Who are they from?

- I don't know. Here's the card.

(bright music)

- Hm.

- Steve?

Hello?

Anybody home?

Hello?

Steve?

(soft mysterious music)

Hello?

(gasping)

Sally? What are you doing here?

- Well, waiting for you, of course.

- Waiting for me.

Why, did we have an appointment?

- Sort of.

I just have some loose
ends that need tying up.

- What are you talking about?

- Didn't you get the flowers?

- Flowers?

- Yes, the flowers I sent.

Oh, did you think they came from Steve?

- You sent those?

- I guess I shoulda signed
the card Sally instead of S.

- Look, you little bitch.

You have no right to be here.

You have no right to lead me
here under false pretenses.

And you have no right to even
look at a rich man like Steve.

He can buy and sell you
and your whole damn family.

He may give you a quick
twirl around the dance floor

and a couple bounces on the mattress,

but as soon as he throws
you the towel, it's over.

You know it, and I know it.

So take my advice and fuck
off before I call the cops.

- Oh, Cynthia, I don't
think you'll turn me in.

- Oh yeah. Who's gonna stop me?

(chainsaw roaring)

(screaming)

(chainsaw roaring)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(groaning)

(upbeat dramatic music)

(whimpering)

(dramatic music)

(screaming)

- [Pat] Hello, hello?

Cynthia, this isn't funny.

Somebody please pick up the phone.

Can you hear me?

Please pick up the
phone. This isn't funny.

Hello?

(chainsaw idling)

- Excuse me. Excuse me, Miss.

Do you know anything about this cable

running back into the woods?

Is there a house back there?

Because if it is, that's
a federal offense.

Somebody's been stealing cable.

Holy shit, what happened to you?

(chainsaw buzzing)

- Send me the bill.

(phone ringing)

- Yes, Cynthia.

- Oh, hello.

No, Mr. Benton, this is Pat, Pat Hingle,

Cynthia's personal assistant.

- Yes, Pat, what can I do for you?

- Well Cynthia has asked me
to call you and let you know

that Mr. Kellerman is
ready to close the deal,

and he will be at his
farmhouse at seven PM.

And she would like to
know if you can make it.

- Yes, that's great news.
Thank you very much.

And definitely tell
Cynthia that I'll be there.

- Okay, fine, bye-bye now.

(laughing)

Okay, sh.

(laughing)

- Sh, sh.

(soft mysterious music)

- Yeah, Pat, I can be
there, but I'm in town now

and it'll be after dark
by the time I get there.

- I'm sure that's fine.

I'll let her know. Thank
you, Mr. Kellerman.

(laughing)

Nine one one? I'd like to report a murder.

(crickets chirping)

(knocking on door)

- This is the police. Open up.

(knocking on door)

This is the police, Mr. Kellerman.

Open up, we have a warrant.

All right, this scumbag
wants to play tough,

I can play tough.

- Holy shit on a stick.

What kind of crazy Ed Gein
wannabe is this Kellerman wacko?

Would you look at this, ew, shit, oh.

- [Zeke] Hey, check this out.

Looks like this punk's taken

an interest in our town history.

- Oh, he thinks he's Kolchak, huh?

Well, bet you he's feeling
like a dog in the ass now.

God musta gone and made
him just about as stupid

as He could, and then peed all over him.

(mysterious music)

- Ho, I got a door here.

(door creaking)

Oh my God, Earl. Is that?

- It's the ice cream girl.

Sweetest piece of ass
in the whole damn town,

and this guy had to go and lop it off

and dump it into a bathtub.

What kinda of a sick son of a bitch

would do something like that?

- Melinda, this is Zeke.

We're gonna need some state boys out here.

This is one seriously troubled man.

- Troubled?

Nah, troubled's being a couple of months

late on your truck payment.

This is the kinda guy that
would put on his granny's bra

and panties and whack
off with some Crunchy Jif

into a turkey potpie.

(crickets chirping)

- [Sally Voiceover] Waiting.

I can't stand waiting.

Here I sit brokenhearted,
came to shit but only farted.

Goddam how I hate to have
to wait for these assholes.

All this mess, and over what?

A piece of land that was
never theirs to begin with.

Oh well, no skin off my ass.

I just want them to get here soon,

because at nine o'clock
wrestling comes on.

And I don't wanna miss any of it.

Wait a sec.

Finally.

(dramatic drumming music)

(soft dramatic music)

(nail gun firing)

- What the hell is that doing here?

(soft dramatic music)

(crickets chirping)

(upbeat dramatic music)

- Hey, you big fucking thief, put it back!

(screaming)

- Better call on someone
who knows you, Harvey.

(upbeat dramatic music)

(nail gun firing)

- My fucking feet, goddammit!

(nail gun firing)

(Harvey screaming)

(nail gun firing)

Goddammit, don't fucking touch me!

(nail gun firing)

(Harvey screaming)

(nail gun firing)

Goddammit, someone stop this fucking gun.

Oh my God, you son of a bitch!

(Harvey screaming)

(chainsaw idling)

- Sally?

Please.

What did he do to deserve that?

- He's a bad man. I have to kill him.

I have to protect my
family. That's what I do.

- It was you.

Your family.

In this house, the story.

Cynthia told it.

- Help me!

- You lay here.

(chainsaw revving)

Here.

Call for help.

Call the cops.

- Call the cops?

- Yeah, come on, Bruce
Wayne, save the day.

I want you to.

- Why do you want me to?

- Because if you don't, I'm
gonna cut this pig's head off.

(whimpering)

Call them, motherfucker!

(dramatic music)

- I need help.

I wanna report a murder.

No, I wanna report a buncha murders.

There's no time to get into that now.

Just.

I don't think they believe me.

(Harvey screaming)

No!

(Harvey screaming)

(chainsaw roaring)

(dramatic music)

I'm not afraid of you.

I don't believe you're gonna kill me.

I don't believe you're
gonna cut me with that saw.

- That's good, because you're right.

I'm not gonna kill you, Steve.

I couldn't kill you.

(chainsaw banging)

(dreamy music)

- Oh man.

Ugh.

- Freeze!

(soft dramatic music)

(groaning)

Don't you move a muscle!

- There he is. It's Norman Bates.

And all his singalong friends.

Boy, it looks like you
been shitting down one leg

and wiping it with the other.

Go on, Zeke, just shoot him
now, just shoot him now.

- When I tell you to, I want
you to lay down, slowly.

Easy.

(dreamy music)

- No, look, you've got it wrong.

- You have the right to remain silent,

and I suggest you do so.

You have the right to an attorney.

If you cannot afford one,
one will be provided for you.

- Look, I know what you must think,

but you got it all wrong.

- I'm sure I do, Mr. Gacy.

Well don't piss down my back
and tell me that it's raining.

Now kiss the floor, Leatherface!

- Yeah, well we got an anonymous tip

leading us to his, uh, Steve
Kellerman's hotel room.

And it was about that
time that we figured out

that he might not be up,
might not be up to any good.

So we took it upon ourselves
to do a little investigating.

And it brought us to this place here,

and we found that bastard.

Hopefully, he'll be brought
to justice, you know.

Have to play a little butt bingo

with Bubba down at the penitentiary.

(laughing)

- Sucker.

(laughing)

- Oh that was good.

(chainsaw revving)

Oh I love this. This is my favorite.

- A toast to those two guys.

- Tits and ass.

(laughter)

(chainsaw roaring)

(hard rock music)

(indistinct singing)

♪ I will make you all disappear ♪

(indistinct singing)

(hard rock music)

♪ You wanted control ♪

♪ I wanted it more ♪

♪ You better run for cover ♪

♪ Before it happens ♪

♪ Before I walk that far away ♪

♪ Blood in my eye, blood in my ear ♪

♪ I will make you all disappear ♪

♪ Blood in my eye, blood in my ear ♪

♪ They're all gonna laugh at me ♪

♪ They're all gonna laugh at me ♪

♪ They're all gonna laugh at me ♪

♪ They're all gonna laugh at me ♪

♪ Blood in my eye, blood in my ear ♪

♪ I will make you all disappear ♪

♪ Blood in my eye, blood in my ear ♪

♪ I will make you all disappear ♪

♪ Blood in my eye, blood in my ear ♪

♪ I will make you all disappear ♪

(laughter)