Catch As Catch Can (1967) - full transcript
Bob is a successful actor, but his career gets doomed by a strange phenomenon: the animal kingdom is taking on him!
THE UNLEASHED
AKA CATCH AS CATCH CAN
Hey!
No! No!
Excellent! Ready, girls?
It's your turn! Hurry!
And shout all together! Go!
Quick! Quick!
Everybody happy, smiling!
Come forward like that!
This way please!
Serenity! Happiness!
Look towards the camera!
The slogan!
The man who wins
drinks HAG Coffee!
HAG Coffee: no caffeine,
for a peaceful sleep and…
nerves of steel!
With HAG Coffee,
my heart knows no fear.
Good, keep smiling.
Look in the camera! Keep looking!
But he's…!
- Stop! Excellent. Very good.
Very good. No, it's great.
Fantastic! Truly fantastic!
Excellent, my foot!
But that dog…!
- Don't worry, he was out of frame.
Are you crazy? Didn't you see
what he did? He pissed on me!
I cut it above here.
Fine but
he broke my concentration.
Listen, Bob, it was great!
- He upset my facial equilibrium.
Oh, no! Just watch the screening.
You may be right but,
excuse me, I'd like to do another.
It was disgusting.
I'm going to change.
Hey, can you tell me
where that dog came from?
I'll go ask, Dottore.
- Yes, ask everybody, investigate.
Whose dog was that?
Who knows?
- Whose dog was it?
Whose dog was that?
Nobody knows whose dog it is?
Let's do another rehearsal!
Come now! Action! Shout!
That's it, very good!
Come forward, smiling!
Well…
Hey!
Hey! What's going on here?
Who put a chicken in my trailer?
Who knows, Dottore?
- But…!
This is cr…!
This place is turning into a zoo!
First a dog, now a chicken!
I'm done, eh?
I'm not working anymore today!
Nobody makes fun of me!
A hen!
In short, someone must tell me:
Who the hell does that dog
and chicken belong to?
You can rest assured that
even in the worst of trouble,
Bulova never stops!
That was great, dear.
No, it went badly and you know it.
Why?
- Disgusting!
I was supposed to get
a close-up not the horses!
Here, dear, on my face!
Bob, what's the matter tonight?
Nothing.
You've been working
too hard lately.
Relax.
You hear that?
What?
- Listen.
Do you hear that?
But what's the matter, dear?
Luisa, some very strange things
are happening to me.
Like what?
I don't know…
I don't know why…
but it's clear they got
something against me.
I'm talking about…
the animals!
That's just a fancy. Relax.
You're just reliving
your persecution mania again.
No, no! Believe me,
it's been going on for a while!
Today, for example.
- What happened?
First there was that dog…
disgusting…
afterwards the hen and…
Don't think about it.
- And… and you know…
you know why the commercial
didn't end with my usual close-up?
Why?
- Because I had to get on horseback.
But every time,
I got on its back…
he threw me off.
8 times!
Try to get some sleep now.
Want me to get you a tranquillizer?
Drop it!
I don't need your tranquillizers!
Wait here.
One moment!
There you go.
Is my face relaxed?
- You look great, honey.
My eyes?
Very clear.
My teeth?
- Bright.
The cows are in place!
Don't step on the grass!
Hello!
Hey, why are there cows here?
Do we really need animals?
They make the shot richer. More…
But they weren't expected!
Where's my agent?
Is Toni here? Where is he?
- In the trailer. - Luisa!
Luisa, excuse me, see if Toni's here.
Tell him to come here.
Of course, right away. Toni!
- Yes?
Toni, hurry, Bob wants you.
Hi, Bob!
- Listen, please.
How many times have
I said that I don't want
any animals in my commercials?
I don't like it!
- What do you think they are? Lions?
Please, they're cows.
They're nice, quiet.
They make me nervous.
I need to be relaxed when I work.
Go tell them right away:
If they won't send the cows away,
then they can find another actor.
Make it clear. Go on!
It's incredible!
- If there are animals, he can't…
But I can't…
- Come on, try.
Get rid of the cows!
Take away the cows!
Well then?
It's all OK.
Go on!
I'm sorry but
we all have our principles.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's probably for the best.
It'll be a faster shoot.
- It'll be less vulgar.
You stand here and when you're
in the shot, you say the slogan.
"Montana, choice meat all week."
A little background, eh?
A fast pace.
- I prefer slow, thanks.
Get ready to shoot!
The girls in their places!
Get ready to shoot!
The girls in their places! Come on.
Easy!
Come on, you can do it.
- It's nice up here.
Yes, step up.
Come on. Sit down.
- Yes.
Sit on this side.
A little more this way.
Should I smile?
- How do I know?
I'll smile.
Alright, guys, we're filming!
Some slow music!
Now we're starting.
- Thank God.
Everybody in their place, please!
We're filming! Silence!
The music!
Attention!
Ready?
Camera!
- Started!
The clapperboard.
Clapperboard!
- Montana no 1!
That's it. Wait. Action!
- Action!
Keep tight on the girl.
- Alright.
A panorama. Just like that.
- You got him? Good.
Montana!
Montana…
What the hell is he doing?
Help!
- The bull is coming!
The bull! Beat it!
Bob!
Help!
Help!
Bob! Help!
Watch out!
- Help!
It's turning!
- Help!
Keep running! Turn it!
- Give me a hand!
Turn it!
- I am turning!
Keep up the pace!
Keep turning!
Go on!
Sorry if I pushed you!
That's the way!
- Yes!
Watch out, it's spinning!
Yes!
- Sorry for pressing you!
Sorry.
Come, stop it, Luisa, please!
Leave me in peace.
WALTER FLAX:
CLEANS FROM TOP TO BOTTOM
No way, Bob.
After the incident with
the corned beef people,
we're finished.
What do you mean?
Is it my fault that
a bull got mad and…
No, I know. Of course.
The bull.
But they're starting to say…
that these strange accidents
only happen to you.
You know how it is…
But there's always Dr Bellini,
the one with men's cosmetics.
He keeps calling us.
No way.
We're finished with him too.
- Listen…
Watch out!
Impossible. He calls every day.
Then try calling him yourself.
Here!
What are you doing? Go now!
That's fine. Good.
Come here!
Let's see.
No…
Not bad.
Yes, yes. Turn around.
Hello, Mr Bellini?
This is Bob Chiaramonte.
Sure.
What?
He has no time? Thank you.
I told you:
this is a difficult time for you.
You're no longer riding high, Bob.
Wait for me in there.
- Yes, thanks.
You think I'm on my way out?
- I'll be with you soon.
Please, don't make me…!
Don't make me laugh.
I know my face sells.
It has saved industries from
bankruptcy more than once.
Bob, there are only three shorts.
One with horses.
The other with a tiger.
- A tiger?
And if you like,
a commercial for Swiss cheese.
But I warn you:
there'll be difficult aerial shots.
You must fly over Rome
hanging from a helicopter.
Everybody else refused to do it.
And do you think I would accept?
Never!
Uncover your face,
we can't see you!
OK! Let's make this quick!
It's heavy!
Stay right there! Say the slogan!
- OK!
Delicate and light:
the super Gruyère!
Made of milk, cream, pure air…
It's full of rats!
Get away!
Get away!
Shoo!
What are you doing?
- Eh, what am I doing?
There! The rope! The mice!
They're eating it!
Chase the mice away!
Help!
Up! Up!
Stay up!
Hey? Is anybody there?
Bed!
Bed!
Come in! Alone!
Down there!
Down there!
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Emma! Her name is Emma!
- Thanks.
Thank you very much.
Emma! Mme Emma!
Wake up. Come on, be good.
Mouth to mouth!
Mouth to mouth!
What is it? Go away now.
- More!
More! Mouth to mouth!
Go away. I get it.
Mouth to mouth! Mouth to mouth!
All done!
Poldo, what are you playing at?
Let me sleep.
Cuckold!
Are you sure your husband's asleep?
- Of course, dear, like a rock.
He is not asleep.
Hi, how are you?
The hell with that!
What are you doing here?
I saved her. She was drowning.
- Yes.
A lie!
A lie? Stupid beast, you didn't…
Kiss!
Sir…
- Kiss!
I was passed out.
- That's right!
And I gave her
artificial respiration.
Lie!
I'll kill you both!
Oh, no! You know, honey,
that Poldo is so jealous!
Let go of me!
Damn you! Where are you going?
Where are you running off to?
Come here!
Scoundrel!
No, dear, come back, please!
Damn beast! Now, tell the truth!
Here's the gentleman.
Say, what did I do to the lady?
Kiss!
No but… No! Listen!
Do you believe…?
You think I'm a cheap seducer,
but it's not true! I'm a professional.
I ended up here by chance.
An accident while working.
After all, I saved your wife!
- Rascal!
Stop! Stop!
That's my eye.
Yes, it's my eye.
And my ear.
- Come on, this is heavy!
Hey! Tell me what you're doing?
Where are you taking me?
How should I know?
He told us to take it down. Let's go.
Check this stuff out…
What a face!
- I don't like him.
He doesn't even know
how to smile!
Please!
And then he's so forced.
No style at all.
It doesn't worry me at all.
He'll never make it big.
Poor thing.
Hey! Hey!
They're taking apart my face!
What the…?
My whole face…
Let's go.
Come away.
Since childhood, you can say
I grew up with advertising.
Here I am at 4, 5 years old.
It went with me
throughout my growth.
Here I am 8 years old and
then when I was grown up,
I showed more diverse
and complex expressions,
naturally for the profession:
love, tenderness,
sympathy, joy.
My portfolio.
Here I'm smiling. Serious.
Profile. Pajamas.
Here I have a worried expression
because I forgot my keys.
This is very important because
it increased sales by 30%.
Notice here the smile:
open, easy and functional.
Above all, the gamut of expressions,
often even severe.
We see this a lot because
it's often very effective.
My eyes are very photogenic.
This series, I may say,
caused a sensation.
It was talked of abroad.
No, excuse me, allow me!
Here, I'm drinking beer.
Here I'm playing tennis.
Very multifaceted.
I have the right expression
for every occasion.
Perhaps, I might be of use?
Sure, let's see what can be done.
Well then, are we ready?
Can we start?
Then let's go!
Turn up the 10000s! Go on!
You, say the slogan. Go on.
Cebion: an armor against colds!
No, repeat it.
Cebion: an armor against colds!
Who did that?
Who was it?
Who was it?
Excuse me a moment.
- By all means.
You do some work too.
Are you my agent or not?
It's won't be easy.
There are many new faces about.
Let's be honest, Bob:
The last 5 ads you've made
have been a disaster.
It certainly wasn't my fault.
- Yeah, of course.
He's coming! Not so close!
How are you?
- A pleasure.
Well then, let's take a look.
Now then…
Yes, yes. The hand is fine.
I'll use it for a close-up. OK?
What the hell did he just say?
He's interested in your hands.
And my face? My body?
Just the hands.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong? I'll never
accept such a humiliation.
Try to convince him.
It's important for him.
Innocenti Mini T:
Cute like a mini,
practical like a truck.
What's humiliating?
Hands are in high demand:
gloves, cigarettes…
- Accept it, Bob, do.
It'll be great publicity.
- Listen to me well:
I well know that when one goes
from the face to the hands,
it means your profession is over!
It's sure money. You'll regret it later.
- Please, accept it.
Never! Bob Chiaramonte won't do it!
Got it? Never!
Come in. The hand.
The slogan.
- The flame is beautiful…
Just like that.
- Soft… - Go!
Solange enters.
Raise your hand higher.
Good.
Smile, Solange.
Go!
Come in with your hand.
Pull back.
- Alright.
Go towards the camera.
- Good.
Just like that.
- Good.
Stop! OK! OK.
For her, for him,
to feel close together.
Tabac d'Harar:
the original eau de cologne.
Just like that with the hand.
Gently. Gently.
That's it, gently…
- Look what I have to do…
Caress her. Now on the neck.
That's it, gently like that.
Gently… Stop!
Let's prepare another one.
Was that fine?
- It was fine, Chiaramonte.
Smile! Smile, Dolf! Slogan!
Galliano: the Italian liqueur
that conquered America.
Good. Stop. Change the glasses.
Let's do another one.
Keep your hands still!
Change the colors too!
Hurry, boys!
Who did that?
I don't know, it just slipped.
You see, a hand…
Slogan!
- Hands…
Find it, find it!
Some more, more!
You found it. Slowly, gently…
Gently, gently, gently!
Again. With love, love, love!
So much love!
That's it. Higher, higher.
Now it's your turn. Caress him.
Again and again.
All right, stop! This is good.
- Yeah, yeah.
Keep still.
Keep the arm motionless!
Go with the slogan!
- Perfect even under water,
Veglia Swiss Watches: set by
the masters of Swiss watchmaking.
Stop! OK! Fine, Chiaramonte.
Slogan!
- My favorite Ambrosoli Honey:
absolutely pure, 100% from bees.
That's good like that. Stay still.
Raise the hand higher. Higher.
Stay still!
That's it, still.
- A bee? Bees!
Stop, don't move!
Keep shooting, this is good!
Don't move your hand! Stay still!
I'm ruined, Professor! Ruined!
I've tried everything:
perfumes, deodorants…
I thought I had a smell that was
bothering them but nothing worked!
I did all the blood tests: nothing.
Everything's normal.
No one can give me an explanation.
Tell me the truth:
do you despise animals?
Are you afraid of them?
I'd say I'm indifferent.
Sometimes, I'm afraid after what
has happened. I've lost my job
That's what is pushing
them to be aggressive.
Think about dogs.
Dogs?
But I don't understand, Professor.
In what way?
Dogs attack those who aren't sure
of themselves and are afraid.
That's why you're an individual who
brings out the aggression of animals.
What do you think I should do?
Kill some of them.
Be terrible.
Come see what I'm working on.
Come!
This way.
I keep them in the dark or
they won't work. Assist me.
Ants.
I hold about 1 million prisoners.
And what are you doing?
Studying them?
That as well.
If you agree,
I'll give you a fine book to read.
It could be
very useful in your case.
IDIOT
Professor! Professor, come!
Come quickly! Come see!
Look there! They wrote a word…
- What was it?
But before they were… were…
They were…
But they…
It's strange, they were…
Here.
- Thank you.
They lined up…
Ah, no! No, look, no.
This is a bit too much, believe me.
Excuse me. Excuse…
Thanks all the same!
Sir, do you want
to see a striptease?
What?
- Striptease.
But… but where? Here?
- Here.
No, look, I…
- Not me. Look.
You can choose:
Swedish, French and black.
Photographs don't interest me.
Hey, wait, you don't understand.
This is only a catalogue.
You can see the striptease
with a telescope.
Only 500 lire per token.
What do you mean?
What are you doing? Look I…
Look, you're making a big mistake.
I'm not the type you think.
I have never… have…
Would that be the French one?
- Yes.
Shoo! Go away!
A fly is getting in the way.
Damn it! Let's start again…
Go. Go away!
Damn you! Go away!
Go away! Where did she go?
Where did she go? I lost the view.
It's over.
- I couldn't see. There was a fly.
It's over. I'm sorry.
Thank you. There it is!
Hey, but…
But…?
What is it?
Hold still! I'm not after you!
It's a fly, persecuting me.
It's a conspiracy. Keep still!
Who?
- All the animals!
What do you mean?
Excuse me, Reverend!
I didn't mean to hit you.
It's the fly chasing me!
Why… why?
- I'm not against priests!
The fly is chasing,
persecuting me!
I'm a good Christian, Father!
I'm baptized… There it is!
You hear it buzzing? It's the fly!
- There he is! There!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
My daughter, why? Thank you.
I'm asking you again
for the last time.
You insist on giving
that version of events?
Fine, if that's what you want.
But remember, every word
you say will be taken down.
Write it all.
I said write it!
A FLY
Where did you first see it?
I already told you.
On the telescope lens.
And what were you looking at?
- The view.
Be more precise!
A dome.
And the fly landed on the dome?
- Exactly.
And did you run after the fly
or did it run after you?
No, I was running after it.
And how do you justify
slapping the priest?
I only wanted to hit the fly.
I told you, I respect priests.
I'm Catholic.
Give it here.
Come on! Be snappy!
Tear it up.
Else they'll think we're nuts.
Go away.
I hope I never see you again.
Good day.
- One moment!
Wanna see how a man with
his head on his shoulders behaves?
See, Commissioner?
That one is mine.
Go away! Go away!
Get out!
Close the door!
The door!
The door!
The door!
Shut up and go away!
This time I got you, right?
Try to go to away, Ma'am!
There it is…
Go away, I'm talking to the fly.
Lady, shut up!
I need to crush it!
Got you!
Damn you!
I'll wipe you out!
Why?
Why did you do it, Bob?
Bob, tell me why you did it.
What?
Don't pretend with me,
it's no use.
It's all over the papers.
Look.
OUT OF WORK ACTOR ATTEMPTS
SUICIDE WITH INSECTICIDE
It's not in the least true!
I wasn't trying to commit suicide.
I only wanted to kill it!
Do you understand? And I will!
Of course. Keep calm.
- I'll kill it!
Forget commercials.
I found you a good job in TV.
Keep calm. Sleep.
Damn it, it's shit!
Good day!
- Good day.
Whom do you want to speak to?
With the director.
Very well.
This way.
This way! Over here!
Over here!
Over here!
Whom should I announce?
Ah… Bob Chiaramonte.
You may enter…
Sorry, I thought…
I didn't see him.
Ah, lions!
You may come in.
Please sit down.
- Thank you.
How can I help you?
Thank you.
My name…
My name is Bob Chiaramonte.
And… unfortunately,
as you can see,
I'm persecuted by animals.
I don't know if I'm the only one
and therefore the first…
to be targeted but there must be…
There must be…
there must be a solution…
a solution…
But I… find it rather…
rather strange, I'd say…
a mistake… that…
that you yourself protect…
your enemies.
Go on, continue.
Now I see!
Now I finally understand.
What do you understand?
That you're in cahoots!
You're all in cahoots!
All of you are against me!
Of course, you're in cahoots!
Because you're all
the same like them!
Now I know I can't count on you!
Because you're not with me
but with them! You're their ally!
You are their accomplices!
Bound together!
Luisa!
Luisa!
Free me! Will you untie me?
Excuse me,
are you Bob Chiaramonte?
Uh, listen, just one thing…
I haven't gotten the script yet.
Do you know what role is about?
I see there is a misunderstanding.
I'm sorry but
you must get up from this chair.
You… you were recommended
to us but as a make-up artist.
As a makeup artist?
But I'm an actor! I'm…
I'm an artist.
Sorry, makeup is an art too but…
- It's a fine job.
Actors, ministers, journalists:
they all pass through here.
If you're good, you can make this
a trampoline for your acting career.
But I'm already an actor.
I… I couldn't…
I assure you that this is
an excellent opportunity for you.
No, I… I…
No.
Never.
Just one second.
I want to help the eyebrow arch.
Yes.
There we go.
There.
Ready. Please, take a look.
One moment…
- Thank you.
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
Yes, perhaps…
It's very likely, Minister Sir.
I'm Bob Chiaramonte, the actor.
You may've seen me on TV:
I was in many commercials and series.
Touch up my mustache too, please.
- Yes, Sir
If you permit it,
Minister, I would…
I'd like to ask you a great favor.
Could you put in
a good word for me?
My work here's a stopgap, you see.
I'd really like to go back
to my true calling: acting.
Like I said, I'm an actor.
I did classic theater, cinema.
I have truly
excellent qualifications.
Exceptional, if I may say so.
Good diction, physique, I know
how to move. I can speak several…
several languages: English,
Italian, French naturellement.
My Spanish
es muy natural y simple para mí…
Get away!
So I'm sure,
Minister Sir, that for you…
it would… it would be easy…
Get away!
Minister, you might be able to
Minister?
Minister?
Get out of here!
Go away!
You nasty devil's fly!
Damn you…
Damn you!
How can I work…
with this nasty disgusting fly!
Minister Sir!
Here… here you go.
Please, look here.
Perfect.
- Thank you very much, Excellency.
Excuse me.
Minister Sir.
Excuse me for one moment.
One last touch.
Check the focus.
- Check the focus.
Ready?
- Ready
Go.
- Go!
If you please.
Good evening.
I know that a large part
of the Italian population
are waiting for my statement.
The only way not to
disappoint this expectation,
is to avoid words…
and to move right on
to the figures made
available by the government.
So that,
in the shortest possible time,
the poorest masses…
can achieve…
the standard of living they expect
in a society like ours…
based on…
on work,
on freedom,
on democracy.
Well, he's rather handsome.
1,200 billion for the…
…ion.
- Sorry, what did he say?
Maybe "ocean"?
- Speculation.
722, 800, 000, 000.05…
for the …ion.
- What did he say?
For "construction"?
- No, for "seduction".
499,000,000,000…
…onated.
What shit is he saying?
254,000,000…
…onated.
This…
the government…
does and prepares…
for those in need.
1,250,000,000.
And I allow myself to
emphasize this impressive figure…
for public works.
And there mustn't be,
there won't be new tax provisions.
We know that the people cannot.
We will hit the wealthy classes.
- Mustache!
It's well that the Italians know
and the nation remembers…
that we will not allow it!
A hand? From whom?
Who is that? What are they doing?
Shall we interrupt?
- What will we do? What?
… the only general good.
There's no denying that when…
and in this case especially,
reform requires…
an absolute seriousness of purpose…
- Keep it out of frame!
… or society falls apart
and what can we
in the government do?
I'll put it back! Don't move!
What can we do?
We absolutely have to…help!
Come on, put up the message!
Do something!
- It's stuck!
Help! Help!
Please, let's do something!
THE BROADCAST WILL RETURN
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
From here,
there's no getting out alive!
Are you talking to me, dear?
- Shut up!
Don't disturb me.
I'm busy.
There it is! There!
Now I'll kill you.
Now, my dear, you're trapped!
I'll kill you!
- Kill who?
Mind your own business!
I'll kill whoever I feel like.
However I like!
Mine!
Damn cow, I'll kill you!
- Who's a cow?
I'm not talking to you.
- Of course, you were.
No! No! No! Excuse me, I'm busy!
I've never been called a cow!
- Don't annoy me, please,
there's not one moment of
peace here in this crazy house!
Damn you!
- If you don't like it, we can move!
It's not just the house
but everything!
We'll change it all!
- Please, shut up!
In the meantime, it doesn't care.
You see it? See?
Sorry, dear, it was the fly.
Filthy! Damn…
I get it, you know?
You hope that I'll surrender.
You'll be disappointed
if you think I'm tired!
Lazy beast!
You'll be disappointed!
Idiot!
Where are you hiding?
I can hear you're still here.
I can smell you! Where are you?
No, Bob, please, don't do it!
I love you!
Why say that? I love you too.
Coward!
There it is!
Working… working… working…
I can't go on…
like this…
I can't go on.
Let's get this over with.
Let's put it on a friendly level.
Let's make peace.
I… I forgive you.
What happened is in the past.
You'll be a guest in my house.
You'll have food, fruit,
candied fruit.
You're dead!
Passed away!
Kaput!
Dead!
Murderer…
No!
Not me…
Murderer!
- Dead!
It's dea…
Murderer. Murderer.
Don't touch me!
Is Bob Chiaramonte at home?
- That's me.
Just in time!
My husband tried to kill me!
What are you saying?
Pay her no mind.
Come and see what he did.
- Sure, make yourself at home.
Look! Look, what a disaster!
This is a battlefield.
- But a victorious one!
You… you remember the fly?
I killed it.
The fly was an excuse,
he wanted to kill me!
Why should I…
- That's enough!
Mr Chiaramonte,
will you answer a few questions?
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
- Now then…
Do you admit you threatened
the minister with a razor?
I threatened nobody.
- How can you deny it?
10 million spectators saw it!
I admit I had a razor in my hand.
That is correct.
Now we're getting there.
I had a razor only
to cut off his mustache.
I mean the minister's mustache…
Oh, no…
- Got it?
If you start that
we'll never finish!
Which political party
do you belong to?
None.
Then why on TV,
were you shouting "Moscow"?
I was referring to mosca.
The insect.
A fly.
Have you read the papers?
See what happened?
The government has fallen!
All because of you!
Commissioner, if it only takes
one fly to topple the government…
Never mind.
But keep yourself available!
- Alright.
And don't leave the city! Let's go!
- Bye, Commissioner.
Good day. Goodbye!
Just stop it!
I am tired! Therefore…
you better watch yourself!
Watch yourself.
Remember what happened to the fly!
Because, you see,
even my patience has a limit.
I can take it to a certain point,
but I wind up uncontrolled,
then I become a hurricane!
And then like nothing,
I sweep away dogs, cats,
birds, fish and anything
that gets in my way!
You got that?
And I want to tell you
one more thing.
You'll never win.
Never! Never! It's impossible!
Because I am…
I'm a man!
Because I have a soul!
I'm intelligent, cunning, crafty!
Diabolical, if you want it!
I'm a man!
And an actor out of work
because of your persecution!
Why did you do this to me?
I ask why? Why?
Why? What do you want?
What are you?
Who are you?
You want to know? I'll tell you.
You're nothing more than a bunch
of matter. Just nasty matter!
Flesh and hair and nothing else!
You have nothing…
You have no brain, intelligence,
spirit. You have nothing!
I'll show you! Let me demonstrate!
Here! Give me…
Give me a little thought
about that grass.
Go on, any whatsoever!
You can do it! Let's see!
Let's see what you come up with.
What are you doing?
Are you going to eat the grass?
Come on, a simple little thought.
Even the most basic! Go on!
See? You can't do it!
You have nothing in here!
While I, my dear,
if I want I can talk
to you about it for hours.
With a blade of grass,
I can arrive at God!
If I want, I can recite to you
100s, 1000s of verses on grass!
Name me one animal that wrote
a single verse on the grass!
They don't exist!
You're… you're so ugly!
So primitive!
What are you doing now? Huh?
One moment! What does that mean?
You think though you can't talk,
you can make yourself understood?
But here's a newsflash, my friend,
anything that you can do,
I can do better!
Remember that I'm an actor.
My facial mobility and expressions
are practically unlimited!
Go on, put me to the test
and I'll prove it! Don't be shy!
Oh, no, you go first.
Please, begin.
How is this? Lower lip!
Combination. Combination x 3!
Want to challenge me on agility?
Good!
I'm up for it!
I said I'd accept any challenge.
Animal!
Animal! Disgusting!
What are you doing? Spitting?
You see the difference
between a man and an animal?
Tell to whomever you report to:
a man can do anything
and a beast nothing!
And that's more…
more than just a difference!
It…it…it's a wide abyss!
Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Let me out!
- Where's the monkey?
I don't know! We were arguing…
- Which way did he go?
… he locked me inside
and ran away!
And me? Let me out!
I don't want to stay here!
Hey!
Say…
you see I'm no ape?
Come on… What are you doing?
Be good, come now!
Look at me very carefully.
Tell me, can't you see?
I'm a man.
Like the rest of you.
I'm a man like your father.
Like your grandfather.
A man.
Cut it out! Stop… stop…
English subtitles by
sineintegral@KG
AKA CATCH AS CATCH CAN
Hey!
No! No!
Excellent! Ready, girls?
It's your turn! Hurry!
And shout all together! Go!
Quick! Quick!
Everybody happy, smiling!
Come forward like that!
This way please!
Serenity! Happiness!
Look towards the camera!
The slogan!
The man who wins
drinks HAG Coffee!
HAG Coffee: no caffeine,
for a peaceful sleep and…
nerves of steel!
With HAG Coffee,
my heart knows no fear.
Good, keep smiling.
Look in the camera! Keep looking!
But he's…!
- Stop! Excellent. Very good.
Very good. No, it's great.
Fantastic! Truly fantastic!
Excellent, my foot!
But that dog…!
- Don't worry, he was out of frame.
Are you crazy? Didn't you see
what he did? He pissed on me!
I cut it above here.
Fine but
he broke my concentration.
Listen, Bob, it was great!
- He upset my facial equilibrium.
Oh, no! Just watch the screening.
You may be right but,
excuse me, I'd like to do another.
It was disgusting.
I'm going to change.
Hey, can you tell me
where that dog came from?
I'll go ask, Dottore.
- Yes, ask everybody, investigate.
Whose dog was that?
Who knows?
- Whose dog was it?
Whose dog was that?
Nobody knows whose dog it is?
Let's do another rehearsal!
Come now! Action! Shout!
That's it, very good!
Come forward, smiling!
Well…
Hey!
Hey! What's going on here?
Who put a chicken in my trailer?
Who knows, Dottore?
- But…!
This is cr…!
This place is turning into a zoo!
First a dog, now a chicken!
I'm done, eh?
I'm not working anymore today!
Nobody makes fun of me!
A hen!
In short, someone must tell me:
Who the hell does that dog
and chicken belong to?
You can rest assured that
even in the worst of trouble,
Bulova never stops!
That was great, dear.
No, it went badly and you know it.
Why?
- Disgusting!
I was supposed to get
a close-up not the horses!
Here, dear, on my face!
Bob, what's the matter tonight?
Nothing.
You've been working
too hard lately.
Relax.
You hear that?
What?
- Listen.
Do you hear that?
But what's the matter, dear?
Luisa, some very strange things
are happening to me.
Like what?
I don't know…
I don't know why…
but it's clear they got
something against me.
I'm talking about…
the animals!
That's just a fancy. Relax.
You're just reliving
your persecution mania again.
No, no! Believe me,
it's been going on for a while!
Today, for example.
- What happened?
First there was that dog…
disgusting…
afterwards the hen and…
Don't think about it.
- And… and you know…
you know why the commercial
didn't end with my usual close-up?
Why?
- Because I had to get on horseback.
But every time,
I got on its back…
he threw me off.
8 times!
Try to get some sleep now.
Want me to get you a tranquillizer?
Drop it!
I don't need your tranquillizers!
Wait here.
One moment!
There you go.
Is my face relaxed?
- You look great, honey.
My eyes?
Very clear.
My teeth?
- Bright.
The cows are in place!
Don't step on the grass!
Hello!
Hey, why are there cows here?
Do we really need animals?
They make the shot richer. More…
But they weren't expected!
Where's my agent?
Is Toni here? Where is he?
- In the trailer. - Luisa!
Luisa, excuse me, see if Toni's here.
Tell him to come here.
Of course, right away. Toni!
- Yes?
Toni, hurry, Bob wants you.
Hi, Bob!
- Listen, please.
How many times have
I said that I don't want
any animals in my commercials?
I don't like it!
- What do you think they are? Lions?
Please, they're cows.
They're nice, quiet.
They make me nervous.
I need to be relaxed when I work.
Go tell them right away:
If they won't send the cows away,
then they can find another actor.
Make it clear. Go on!
It's incredible!
- If there are animals, he can't…
But I can't…
- Come on, try.
Get rid of the cows!
Take away the cows!
Well then?
It's all OK.
Go on!
I'm sorry but
we all have our principles.
Oh, it's nothing.
It's probably for the best.
It'll be a faster shoot.
- It'll be less vulgar.
You stand here and when you're
in the shot, you say the slogan.
"Montana, choice meat all week."
A little background, eh?
A fast pace.
- I prefer slow, thanks.
Get ready to shoot!
The girls in their places!
Get ready to shoot!
The girls in their places! Come on.
Easy!
Come on, you can do it.
- It's nice up here.
Yes, step up.
Come on. Sit down.
- Yes.
Sit on this side.
A little more this way.
Should I smile?
- How do I know?
I'll smile.
Alright, guys, we're filming!
Some slow music!
Now we're starting.
- Thank God.
Everybody in their place, please!
We're filming! Silence!
The music!
Attention!
Ready?
Camera!
- Started!
The clapperboard.
Clapperboard!
- Montana no 1!
That's it. Wait. Action!
- Action!
Keep tight on the girl.
- Alright.
A panorama. Just like that.
- You got him? Good.
Montana!
Montana…
What the hell is he doing?
Help!
- The bull is coming!
The bull! Beat it!
Bob!
Help!
Help!
Bob! Help!
Watch out!
- Help!
It's turning!
- Help!
Keep running! Turn it!
- Give me a hand!
Turn it!
- I am turning!
Keep up the pace!
Keep turning!
Go on!
Sorry if I pushed you!
That's the way!
- Yes!
Watch out, it's spinning!
Yes!
- Sorry for pressing you!
Sorry.
Come, stop it, Luisa, please!
Leave me in peace.
WALTER FLAX:
CLEANS FROM TOP TO BOTTOM
No way, Bob.
After the incident with
the corned beef people,
we're finished.
What do you mean?
Is it my fault that
a bull got mad and…
No, I know. Of course.
The bull.
But they're starting to say…
that these strange accidents
only happen to you.
You know how it is…
But there's always Dr Bellini,
the one with men's cosmetics.
He keeps calling us.
No way.
We're finished with him too.
- Listen…
Watch out!
Impossible. He calls every day.
Then try calling him yourself.
Here!
What are you doing? Go now!
That's fine. Good.
Come here!
Let's see.
No…
Not bad.
Yes, yes. Turn around.
Hello, Mr Bellini?
This is Bob Chiaramonte.
Sure.
What?
He has no time? Thank you.
I told you:
this is a difficult time for you.
You're no longer riding high, Bob.
Wait for me in there.
- Yes, thanks.
You think I'm on my way out?
- I'll be with you soon.
Please, don't make me…!
Don't make me laugh.
I know my face sells.
It has saved industries from
bankruptcy more than once.
Bob, there are only three shorts.
One with horses.
The other with a tiger.
- A tiger?
And if you like,
a commercial for Swiss cheese.
But I warn you:
there'll be difficult aerial shots.
You must fly over Rome
hanging from a helicopter.
Everybody else refused to do it.
And do you think I would accept?
Never!
Uncover your face,
we can't see you!
OK! Let's make this quick!
It's heavy!
Stay right there! Say the slogan!
- OK!
Delicate and light:
the super Gruyère!
Made of milk, cream, pure air…
It's full of rats!
Get away!
Get away!
Shoo!
What are you doing?
- Eh, what am I doing?
There! The rope! The mice!
They're eating it!
Chase the mice away!
Help!
Up! Up!
Stay up!
Hey? Is anybody there?
Bed!
Bed!
Come in! Alone!
Down there!
Down there!
Ma'am?
Ma'am?
Emma! Her name is Emma!
- Thanks.
Thank you very much.
Emma! Mme Emma!
Wake up. Come on, be good.
Mouth to mouth!
Mouth to mouth!
What is it? Go away now.
- More!
More! Mouth to mouth!
Go away. I get it.
Mouth to mouth! Mouth to mouth!
All done!
Poldo, what are you playing at?
Let me sleep.
Cuckold!
Are you sure your husband's asleep?
- Of course, dear, like a rock.
He is not asleep.
Hi, how are you?
The hell with that!
What are you doing here?
I saved her. She was drowning.
- Yes.
A lie!
A lie? Stupid beast, you didn't…
Kiss!
Sir…
- Kiss!
I was passed out.
- That's right!
And I gave her
artificial respiration.
Lie!
I'll kill you both!
Oh, no! You know, honey,
that Poldo is so jealous!
Let go of me!
Damn you! Where are you going?
Where are you running off to?
Come here!
Scoundrel!
No, dear, come back, please!
Damn beast! Now, tell the truth!
Here's the gentleman.
Say, what did I do to the lady?
Kiss!
No but… No! Listen!
Do you believe…?
You think I'm a cheap seducer,
but it's not true! I'm a professional.
I ended up here by chance.
An accident while working.
After all, I saved your wife!
- Rascal!
Stop! Stop!
That's my eye.
Yes, it's my eye.
And my ear.
- Come on, this is heavy!
Hey! Tell me what you're doing?
Where are you taking me?
How should I know?
He told us to take it down. Let's go.
Check this stuff out…
What a face!
- I don't like him.
He doesn't even know
how to smile!
Please!
And then he's so forced.
No style at all.
It doesn't worry me at all.
He'll never make it big.
Poor thing.
Hey! Hey!
They're taking apart my face!
What the…?
My whole face…
Let's go.
Come away.
Since childhood, you can say
I grew up with advertising.
Here I am at 4, 5 years old.
It went with me
throughout my growth.
Here I am 8 years old and
then when I was grown up,
I showed more diverse
and complex expressions,
naturally for the profession:
love, tenderness,
sympathy, joy.
My portfolio.
Here I'm smiling. Serious.
Profile. Pajamas.
Here I have a worried expression
because I forgot my keys.
This is very important because
it increased sales by 30%.
Notice here the smile:
open, easy and functional.
Above all, the gamut of expressions,
often even severe.
We see this a lot because
it's often very effective.
My eyes are very photogenic.
This series, I may say,
caused a sensation.
It was talked of abroad.
No, excuse me, allow me!
Here, I'm drinking beer.
Here I'm playing tennis.
Very multifaceted.
I have the right expression
for every occasion.
Perhaps, I might be of use?
Sure, let's see what can be done.
Well then, are we ready?
Can we start?
Then let's go!
Turn up the 10000s! Go on!
You, say the slogan. Go on.
Cebion: an armor against colds!
No, repeat it.
Cebion: an armor against colds!
Who did that?
Who was it?
Who was it?
Excuse me a moment.
- By all means.
You do some work too.
Are you my agent or not?
It's won't be easy.
There are many new faces about.
Let's be honest, Bob:
The last 5 ads you've made
have been a disaster.
It certainly wasn't my fault.
- Yeah, of course.
He's coming! Not so close!
How are you?
- A pleasure.
Well then, let's take a look.
Now then…
Yes, yes. The hand is fine.
I'll use it for a close-up. OK?
What the hell did he just say?
He's interested in your hands.
And my face? My body?
Just the hands.
What's wrong with that?
What's wrong? I'll never
accept such a humiliation.
Try to convince him.
It's important for him.
Innocenti Mini T:
Cute like a mini,
practical like a truck.
What's humiliating?
Hands are in high demand:
gloves, cigarettes…
- Accept it, Bob, do.
It'll be great publicity.
- Listen to me well:
I well know that when one goes
from the face to the hands,
it means your profession is over!
It's sure money. You'll regret it later.
- Please, accept it.
Never! Bob Chiaramonte won't do it!
Got it? Never!
Come in. The hand.
The slogan.
- The flame is beautiful…
Just like that.
- Soft… - Go!
Solange enters.
Raise your hand higher.
Good.
Smile, Solange.
Go!
Come in with your hand.
Pull back.
- Alright.
Go towards the camera.
- Good.
Just like that.
- Good.
Stop! OK! OK.
For her, for him,
to feel close together.
Tabac d'Harar:
the original eau de cologne.
Just like that with the hand.
Gently. Gently.
That's it, gently…
- Look what I have to do…
Caress her. Now on the neck.
That's it, gently like that.
Gently… Stop!
Let's prepare another one.
Was that fine?
- It was fine, Chiaramonte.
Smile! Smile, Dolf! Slogan!
Galliano: the Italian liqueur
that conquered America.
Good. Stop. Change the glasses.
Let's do another one.
Keep your hands still!
Change the colors too!
Hurry, boys!
Who did that?
I don't know, it just slipped.
You see, a hand…
Slogan!
- Hands…
Find it, find it!
Some more, more!
You found it. Slowly, gently…
Gently, gently, gently!
Again. With love, love, love!
So much love!
That's it. Higher, higher.
Now it's your turn. Caress him.
Again and again.
All right, stop! This is good.
- Yeah, yeah.
Keep still.
Keep the arm motionless!
Go with the slogan!
- Perfect even under water,
Veglia Swiss Watches: set by
the masters of Swiss watchmaking.
Stop! OK! Fine, Chiaramonte.
Slogan!
- My favorite Ambrosoli Honey:
absolutely pure, 100% from bees.
That's good like that. Stay still.
Raise the hand higher. Higher.
Stay still!
That's it, still.
- A bee? Bees!
Stop, don't move!
Keep shooting, this is good!
Don't move your hand! Stay still!
I'm ruined, Professor! Ruined!
I've tried everything:
perfumes, deodorants…
I thought I had a smell that was
bothering them but nothing worked!
I did all the blood tests: nothing.
Everything's normal.
No one can give me an explanation.
Tell me the truth:
do you despise animals?
Are you afraid of them?
I'd say I'm indifferent.
Sometimes, I'm afraid after what
has happened. I've lost my job
That's what is pushing
them to be aggressive.
Think about dogs.
Dogs?
But I don't understand, Professor.
In what way?
Dogs attack those who aren't sure
of themselves and are afraid.
That's why you're an individual who
brings out the aggression of animals.
What do you think I should do?
Kill some of them.
Be terrible.
Come see what I'm working on.
Come!
This way.
I keep them in the dark or
they won't work. Assist me.
Ants.
I hold about 1 million prisoners.
And what are you doing?
Studying them?
That as well.
If you agree,
I'll give you a fine book to read.
It could be
very useful in your case.
IDIOT
Professor! Professor, come!
Come quickly! Come see!
Look there! They wrote a word…
- What was it?
But before they were… were…
They were…
But they…
It's strange, they were…
Here.
- Thank you.
They lined up…
Ah, no! No, look, no.
This is a bit too much, believe me.
Excuse me. Excuse…
Thanks all the same!
Sir, do you want
to see a striptease?
What?
- Striptease.
But… but where? Here?
- Here.
No, look, I…
- Not me. Look.
You can choose:
Swedish, French and black.
Photographs don't interest me.
Hey, wait, you don't understand.
This is only a catalogue.
You can see the striptease
with a telescope.
Only 500 lire per token.
What do you mean?
What are you doing? Look I…
Look, you're making a big mistake.
I'm not the type you think.
I have never… have…
Would that be the French one?
- Yes.
Shoo! Go away!
A fly is getting in the way.
Damn it! Let's start again…
Go. Go away!
Damn you! Go away!
Go away! Where did she go?
Where did she go? I lost the view.
It's over.
- I couldn't see. There was a fly.
It's over. I'm sorry.
Thank you. There it is!
Hey, but…
But…?
What is it?
Hold still! I'm not after you!
It's a fly, persecuting me.
It's a conspiracy. Keep still!
Who?
- All the animals!
What do you mean?
Excuse me, Reverend!
I didn't mean to hit you.
It's the fly chasing me!
Why… why?
- I'm not against priests!
The fly is chasing,
persecuting me!
I'm a good Christian, Father!
I'm baptized… There it is!
You hear it buzzing? It's the fly!
- There he is! There!
Stop!
Stop!
Stop!
My daughter, why? Thank you.
I'm asking you again
for the last time.
You insist on giving
that version of events?
Fine, if that's what you want.
But remember, every word
you say will be taken down.
Write it all.
I said write it!
A FLY
Where did you first see it?
I already told you.
On the telescope lens.
And what were you looking at?
- The view.
Be more precise!
A dome.
And the fly landed on the dome?
- Exactly.
And did you run after the fly
or did it run after you?
No, I was running after it.
And how do you justify
slapping the priest?
I only wanted to hit the fly.
I told you, I respect priests.
I'm Catholic.
Give it here.
Come on! Be snappy!
Tear it up.
Else they'll think we're nuts.
Go away.
I hope I never see you again.
Good day.
- One moment!
Wanna see how a man with
his head on his shoulders behaves?
See, Commissioner?
That one is mine.
Go away! Go away!
Get out!
Close the door!
The door!
The door!
The door!
Shut up and go away!
This time I got you, right?
Try to go to away, Ma'am!
There it is…
Go away, I'm talking to the fly.
Lady, shut up!
I need to crush it!
Got you!
Damn you!
I'll wipe you out!
Why?
Why did you do it, Bob?
Bob, tell me why you did it.
What?
Don't pretend with me,
it's no use.
It's all over the papers.
Look.
OUT OF WORK ACTOR ATTEMPTS
SUICIDE WITH INSECTICIDE
It's not in the least true!
I wasn't trying to commit suicide.
I only wanted to kill it!
Do you understand? And I will!
Of course. Keep calm.
- I'll kill it!
Forget commercials.
I found you a good job in TV.
Keep calm. Sleep.
Damn it, it's shit!
Good day!
- Good day.
Whom do you want to speak to?
With the director.
Very well.
This way.
This way! Over here!
Over here!
Over here!
Whom should I announce?
Ah… Bob Chiaramonte.
You may enter…
Sorry, I thought…
I didn't see him.
Ah, lions!
You may come in.
Please sit down.
- Thank you.
How can I help you?
Thank you.
My name…
My name is Bob Chiaramonte.
And… unfortunately,
as you can see,
I'm persecuted by animals.
I don't know if I'm the only one
and therefore the first…
to be targeted but there must be…
There must be…
there must be a solution…
a solution…
But I… find it rather…
rather strange, I'd say…
a mistake… that…
that you yourself protect…
your enemies.
Go on, continue.
Now I see!
Now I finally understand.
What do you understand?
That you're in cahoots!
You're all in cahoots!
All of you are against me!
Of course, you're in cahoots!
Because you're all
the same like them!
Now I know I can't count on you!
Because you're not with me
but with them! You're their ally!
You are their accomplices!
Bound together!
Luisa!
Luisa!
Free me! Will you untie me?
Excuse me,
are you Bob Chiaramonte?
Uh, listen, just one thing…
I haven't gotten the script yet.
Do you know what role is about?
I see there is a misunderstanding.
I'm sorry but
you must get up from this chair.
You… you were recommended
to us but as a make-up artist.
As a makeup artist?
But I'm an actor! I'm…
I'm an artist.
Sorry, makeup is an art too but…
- It's a fine job.
Actors, ministers, journalists:
they all pass through here.
If you're good, you can make this
a trampoline for your acting career.
But I'm already an actor.
I… I couldn't…
I assure you that this is
an excellent opportunity for you.
No, I… I…
No.
Never.
Just one second.
I want to help the eyebrow arch.
Yes.
There we go.
There.
Ready. Please, take a look.
One moment…
- Thank you.
Haven't I seen you
somewhere before?
Yes, perhaps…
It's very likely, Minister Sir.
I'm Bob Chiaramonte, the actor.
You may've seen me on TV:
I was in many commercials and series.
Touch up my mustache too, please.
- Yes, Sir
If you permit it,
Minister, I would…
I'd like to ask you a great favor.
Could you put in
a good word for me?
My work here's a stopgap, you see.
I'd really like to go back
to my true calling: acting.
Like I said, I'm an actor.
I did classic theater, cinema.
I have truly
excellent qualifications.
Exceptional, if I may say so.
Good diction, physique, I know
how to move. I can speak several…
several languages: English,
Italian, French naturellement.
My Spanish
es muy natural y simple para mí…
Get away!
So I'm sure,
Minister Sir, that for you…
it would… it would be easy…
Get away!
Minister, you might be able to
Minister?
Minister?
Get out of here!
Go away!
You nasty devil's fly!
Damn you…
Damn you!
How can I work…
with this nasty disgusting fly!
Minister Sir!
Here… here you go.
Please, look here.
Perfect.
- Thank you very much, Excellency.
Excuse me.
Minister Sir.
Excuse me for one moment.
One last touch.
Check the focus.
- Check the focus.
Ready?
- Ready
Go.
- Go!
If you please.
Good evening.
I know that a large part
of the Italian population
are waiting for my statement.
The only way not to
disappoint this expectation,
is to avoid words…
and to move right on
to the figures made
available by the government.
So that,
in the shortest possible time,
the poorest masses…
can achieve…
the standard of living they expect
in a society like ours…
based on…
on work,
on freedom,
on democracy.
Well, he's rather handsome.
1,200 billion for the…
…ion.
- Sorry, what did he say?
Maybe "ocean"?
- Speculation.
722, 800, 000, 000.05…
for the …ion.
- What did he say?
For "construction"?
- No, for "seduction".
499,000,000,000…
…onated.
What shit is he saying?
254,000,000…
…onated.
This…
the government…
does and prepares…
for those in need.
1,250,000,000.
And I allow myself to
emphasize this impressive figure…
for public works.
And there mustn't be,
there won't be new tax provisions.
We know that the people cannot.
We will hit the wealthy classes.
- Mustache!
It's well that the Italians know
and the nation remembers…
that we will not allow it!
A hand? From whom?
Who is that? What are they doing?
Shall we interrupt?
- What will we do? What?
… the only general good.
There's no denying that when…
and in this case especially,
reform requires…
an absolute seriousness of purpose…
- Keep it out of frame!
… or society falls apart
and what can we
in the government do?
I'll put it back! Don't move!
What can we do?
We absolutely have to…help!
Come on, put up the message!
Do something!
- It's stuck!
Help! Help!
Please, let's do something!
THE BROADCAST WILL RETURN
AS SOON AS POSSIBLE
From here,
there's no getting out alive!
Are you talking to me, dear?
- Shut up!
Don't disturb me.
I'm busy.
There it is! There!
Now I'll kill you.
Now, my dear, you're trapped!
I'll kill you!
- Kill who?
Mind your own business!
I'll kill whoever I feel like.
However I like!
Mine!
Damn cow, I'll kill you!
- Who's a cow?
I'm not talking to you.
- Of course, you were.
No! No! No! Excuse me, I'm busy!
I've never been called a cow!
- Don't annoy me, please,
there's not one moment of
peace here in this crazy house!
Damn you!
- If you don't like it, we can move!
It's not just the house
but everything!
We'll change it all!
- Please, shut up!
In the meantime, it doesn't care.
You see it? See?
Sorry, dear, it was the fly.
Filthy! Damn…
I get it, you know?
You hope that I'll surrender.
You'll be disappointed
if you think I'm tired!
Lazy beast!
You'll be disappointed!
Idiot!
Where are you hiding?
I can hear you're still here.
I can smell you! Where are you?
No, Bob, please, don't do it!
I love you!
Why say that? I love you too.
Coward!
There it is!
Working… working… working…
I can't go on…
like this…
I can't go on.
Let's get this over with.
Let's put it on a friendly level.
Let's make peace.
I… I forgive you.
What happened is in the past.
You'll be a guest in my house.
You'll have food, fruit,
candied fruit.
You're dead!
Passed away!
Kaput!
Dead!
Murderer…
No!
Not me…
Murderer!
- Dead!
It's dea…
Murderer. Murderer.
Don't touch me!
Is Bob Chiaramonte at home?
- That's me.
Just in time!
My husband tried to kill me!
What are you saying?
Pay her no mind.
Come and see what he did.
- Sure, make yourself at home.
Look! Look, what a disaster!
This is a battlefield.
- But a victorious one!
You… you remember the fly?
I killed it.
The fly was an excuse,
he wanted to kill me!
Why should I…
- That's enough!
Mr Chiaramonte,
will you answer a few questions?
Excuse me.
Excuse me!
- Now then…
Do you admit you threatened
the minister with a razor?
I threatened nobody.
- How can you deny it?
10 million spectators saw it!
I admit I had a razor in my hand.
That is correct.
Now we're getting there.
I had a razor only
to cut off his mustache.
I mean the minister's mustache…
Oh, no…
- Got it?
If you start that
we'll never finish!
Which political party
do you belong to?
None.
Then why on TV,
were you shouting "Moscow"?
I was referring to mosca.
The insect.
A fly.
Have you read the papers?
See what happened?
The government has fallen!
All because of you!
Commissioner, if it only takes
one fly to topple the government…
Never mind.
But keep yourself available!
- Alright.
And don't leave the city! Let's go!
- Bye, Commissioner.
Good day. Goodbye!
Just stop it!
I am tired! Therefore…
you better watch yourself!
Watch yourself.
Remember what happened to the fly!
Because, you see,
even my patience has a limit.
I can take it to a certain point,
but I wind up uncontrolled,
then I become a hurricane!
And then like nothing,
I sweep away dogs, cats,
birds, fish and anything
that gets in my way!
You got that?
And I want to tell you
one more thing.
You'll never win.
Never! Never! It's impossible!
Because I am…
I'm a man!
Because I have a soul!
I'm intelligent, cunning, crafty!
Diabolical, if you want it!
I'm a man!
And an actor out of work
because of your persecution!
Why did you do this to me?
I ask why? Why?
Why? What do you want?
What are you?
Who are you?
You want to know? I'll tell you.
You're nothing more than a bunch
of matter. Just nasty matter!
Flesh and hair and nothing else!
You have nothing…
You have no brain, intelligence,
spirit. You have nothing!
I'll show you! Let me demonstrate!
Here! Give me…
Give me a little thought
about that grass.
Go on, any whatsoever!
You can do it! Let's see!
Let's see what you come up with.
What are you doing?
Are you going to eat the grass?
Come on, a simple little thought.
Even the most basic! Go on!
See? You can't do it!
You have nothing in here!
While I, my dear,
if I want I can talk
to you about it for hours.
With a blade of grass,
I can arrive at God!
If I want, I can recite to you
100s, 1000s of verses on grass!
Name me one animal that wrote
a single verse on the grass!
They don't exist!
You're… you're so ugly!
So primitive!
What are you doing now? Huh?
One moment! What does that mean?
You think though you can't talk,
you can make yourself understood?
But here's a newsflash, my friend,
anything that you can do,
I can do better!
Remember that I'm an actor.
My facial mobility and expressions
are practically unlimited!
Go on, put me to the test
and I'll prove it! Don't be shy!
Oh, no, you go first.
Please, begin.
How is this? Lower lip!
Combination. Combination x 3!
Want to challenge me on agility?
Good!
I'm up for it!
I said I'd accept any challenge.
Animal!
Animal! Disgusting!
What are you doing? Spitting?
You see the difference
between a man and an animal?
Tell to whomever you report to:
a man can do anything
and a beast nothing!
And that's more…
more than just a difference!
It…it…it's a wide abyss!
Help!
Help! Help!
Help! Let me out!
- Where's the monkey?
I don't know! We were arguing…
- Which way did he go?
… he locked me inside
and ran away!
And me? Let me out!
I don't want to stay here!
Hey!
Say…
you see I'm no ape?
Come on… What are you doing?
Be good, come now!
Look at me very carefully.
Tell me, can't you see?
I'm a man.
Like the rest of you.
I'm a man like your father.
Like your grandfather.
A man.
Cut it out! Stop… stop…
English subtitles by
sineintegral@KG