Casual Encounters (2016) - full transcript

- [alarm buzzes once]
- [man on radio] Good morning!

Jimmy D here to make your
morning commute more enjoyable.

Well, maybe not for one
unfortunate individual.

I have a special guest in the
studio with me today.

Say hello to the lovely Sarah.

- [Sarah] Hi, Jimmy.
- Go ahead, Sarah.

[Sarah] Last night,
he forgot our anniversary!

Resulting in me waiting
for hours at some

step above Applebee's
but beneath Olive Garden
restaurant.

After he stood me up for the
last time, I went to the bar.

There was
this really nice couple.



- And we talked,
had some shots.
- Sarah?

A lot of shots.
And they listened.

So, I went home with them.

[Jimmy] As in "home" home?

- [Sarah] Home, home.
- [Jimmy] Damn!

Now that's what you call a
French twist.

Sarah?

[Jimmy]
What's the poor sap's name?

- [Sarah] Justin. Justin Davis.
- What?!

[Jimmy]
Guys, don't be a Justin Davis.

Be more mindful
of your commitments!
[chuckles]

Now for one of my favorites.

This one's for you, Justin.

[upbeat music plays]



[glass shatters]

[elevator ding]

[office sounds]

- Morning.
- I'm fine.

Thank you for calling
Cal-Telcom.

Hi, Justin.

Just for your information,
we got a lot of donuts in the
break room today.

Okay. Um, thanks. I'm not really
in the mood for donuts today.

Really?
Not even a french twist?

[line ringing]

[Sarah] Leave a message
and I'll get back to you
as soon as I can.

Hi, um, it's me.

I'm trying so hard to not be
angry, but I just don't

understand why you would want to
hurt me and humiliate me because

I forgot one little thing...
fuck-- No.

[office phone ringing]

Thank you for calling
Cal-Telcom. This is Justin.

- How may I--
- [man]
My service is down again.

I'm sorry to hear you're having
trouble with your service.

- If I can just--
- [man] This is
the second time this month.

I understand, sir.

You know what?
I don't think you do.

Otherwise we wouldn't be
talking to each other
right now, would we?

Alright, well, I can connect you
to a technical advisor who...

Sir, I assure you that all of
our technicians have a high
school diploma or equivalency--

[man] And I'm going to be
charged for this, too, right?
You're gonna charge me?

I can work on waving the fee.

Work?! You do not know
the meaning of the word work.

I'm a plumber. I deal with
people's shit all day

and now
I'm dealing with yours.

This is re-cock-ulous.
I am a paying customer.

Well, you know, if I can just
put you on hold for one moment.

Fix it. Just fix it.
I know you can do it
over the phone.

Just push a little button.
Come on. Do it.

You know what, sir,
you know what?

I'm having, like, the worst
morning right now. Okay?

And, and, honestly,
I agree with you.

I agree the system's flawed, but
right now I'm, I'm, asking you,

I'm begging you to just be nice.
Please?

I just need someone
to be nice to me.

It sucks, but you didn't
purchase the insurance policy

- and only an idiot would not
insur... buy...
- Idiot...? Are you fuck...

I hope you have health
insurance cause I'm coming down
there to fuck your face.

Alright, thank you for calling
Cal-Telcom and I'll be sure to
say hi to Satan for you.

What's up, Justin?

Really? You have to eat that
right in front of my face?

- Why do you look so mad?
- You didn't hear what happened?

Don't you listen to
Jimmy D in the Morning?

Jimmy D? He's like
a cheap man's Howard Stern.

Sarah broke up with me
on Jimmy D in the Morning.

Oh my goodness.
You guys were so happy.

I thought so.

[sighs]

Last night,
there was this woman--

What? You had an affair?
Well, that's not very adult.

No, I did not
have an affair, alright?

A woman customer, her name was
Carol, she was having trouble

with her service
and she owns a small business.

Doesn't everyone now days?
[laughs]

I stayed to help her through
the entire reboot process

and that threw me for a loop
and by the end I was exhausted,

so I went straight home
and I... I forgot
our anniversary.

Oh. Tsk, tsk, tsk, tsk.

You forgot the anniversary.
No good.

That's exactly
what Jimmy D said.

And then, she tells him
about this whole fuckin
French twist thing

and stupid Earl shows up
and just tries to humiliate me.

- He's... a douche.
- I know.

- I was going to marry her.
- You were?!

Yeah, of course. I...

I mean, I was just waiting for
a promotion or at least more
financial security.

But I'd been looking at
engagement rings online.

Oh, I feel bad for you.

Really? You, too!
Honestly, it's not funny.

Justin got dumped on Jimmy D
in the Morning this morning.

- Sammy!
- What?

[mouth full] I-I had no idea.

I just thought that maybe
you wanted a donut?

- Oh, yeah. Yeah, I'm sorry.
- It was pretty bad.

You guys were
together a long time, right?

Five years.
That's a long time.

At least you weren't married.

- Or kids and...
- Yeah, alimony?

That involves money.

That's why the word is ali-mony.

Cause "mony" I think
is the root word for money.

[phone ringing]

[Southern accent]
Cal-Telcom, this is Peggy Sue.

Alabama. Where are you from?

[gasps]
Coffee kicked in.

I gotta make.

Dammit, that's delicious.

Can you hear me? Hello?

Hey, um, this thing it just
isn't working again.

- Oh, yeah, sure.
- It was fine a minute ago.
I don't know what happened.

Yeah, the wireless
tend to be a bit squirrely.

I'll figure out
what the problem is.

Okay.
There you go.

The plug was loose.
It should work now.

Here you go.
Found that in there, too.

- Oh. Thank you.
- Yeah.

- You're a lifesaver.
- Oh. I am not.
[chuckles]

- Maybe if I worked at, like,
a suicide hotline and then...
- Yeah.

...literally, would be
a lifesaver, if you know,
I was good at my job.

Um, which I think, I hope,
I would...

- He's handsome.
- Yeah? You think?

This was our anniversary.

A special occasion, you know?

Real important.
I'll see you later.

Thanks for the... for this.

You're a dummy.

How'd you forget your
anniversary?

Who forgets their anniversary?

You... you don't deserve Sarah.
You don't.

That's why she did that.

Cause you didn't deserve her
and you treated her bad

and she left you for two peo...
[crying gasps]

You're gonna be alone!

[crying gasps]

You're gonna be alone!

You... to be alone!

You're gonna be alone
your whole life!

You dummy!
You dummy.

- [man] My god.
- [sniffles] Sammy.

[Sammy] Listen, man, you know,
maybe you should try dating
online?

Louis does it.

Louis?
Louis from the mail room Louis?

Hm. He's had
a lot of success with it.

I don't think I'm going to be
dating anytime soon

and definitely not online.

[Sammy] It's not really dating.
It's casual.

[fart noise]

Oh, sneak attack.

Have a good day. Thank you
for calling Cal-Telcom.

[phone rings]

You should talk to him.

How long have you been
standing there?

You know,
you might not realize this,
but Louis is a very wise man.

I'm not going to talk to Louis.

He has so many insightful
things to say.

Don't care.

It will take your mind off of
her for a few minutes.

Come on, peach pie.

[man] He looks deeply in her
eyes as his hand moves up

her silky skirt to her
throbbing pleasure pocket.

She breathes heavily
with anticipation,

"Take me now, Javier.
Take me now!"

A sensation that moves
into a howl...

[sexual grunting]

Whoo... fellas.

Louis, hey.

Uh, that was... a thing.

I did not realize you
are a writer.

Not writer.
Romance orator.

I channel pure desire.

Just let it free flow.

It's really impressive.
You know, Louis gave me a CD.

I fall asleep to it every night.

Crazy wet dreams.
I wake up crusty.

Yeah,
it's quite effective.

Here you go.
First one's free.

Oh, thanks.
Can't wait to check it out.

Where are my manners?

Can I get you two something?

Cappuccino perhaps?

Yes. Yes.

A cappuccino would be nice.

- [classical music plays]
- Mmmm.

Our friend Justin has hit a bit
of a rough patch.

His long time girlfriend...
[laughs]

I'm sorry, his long time
girlfriend broke up with...

[laughs] ...broke up with him
this morning, this morning,

over the rad...
[laughs]

Over the radio.
I'm so sorry.

Over the radio.

God, don't even,
I'm just, I'm terrible.

- Justin, you care to comment?
- Not really.

Please.
You're safe here.

Fine.

Uh, I got caught up at work,
I forgot my anniversary dinner,

and my girlfriend cheated on me
two times at once.

And now you wanna get
back at her?

What? No.

But you wanna have
a threesome with her?

[Justin] No.

I'm sorry.
What are we doing here?

I don't want to be here.

- I... Sammy--
- I was telling Justin
about internet dating.

- Ahh...
- Guys, I was dumped
less than eight hours ago.

The last thing
on my mind right now is dating.

Not dating.
Experiencing.

Okay.
Well, that sounds worse.

- So...
- He's not ready.

He is.

No, I think
for once Louis is right.

- I am not ready.
- You know what?

Maybe you should try
a phone sex hotline?

- Oh, of course.
- No! Not of course.

I'm not going to do
a phone sex hotline!

You need to flush that bitch
out of your system.

Flush her out!

The only way
to do that is to hookup.

I'm not a hook-up guy.
I'm not.

I-I'm a relationship guy.

Justin, in your adult life,
have you ever not been
in a relationship?

No.

So how do you know
that you're not a hook-up guy?

Thank you.
You see he's wise.

Online dating is...
it's gonna open your mind

to possibilities
you could never imagine.

It's an ice cream shop.

I'm sorry?

The entire dating community
at your fingertips.

I was telling Justin about
Casual Encounters.

My preferred site as well.
You know what, Justin,
I'm going to set you up.

Well, I like that it's casual,
but I...

Look I appreciate
what you're doing.

I just don't think now
is the right time.

The sooner you start,
the sooner you grow.

So this threesome?
Was it two cocks?

I'm not sure.

[knock on door]

Hi!

I'm sorry. I didn't want this
to start like that.

I said I should come get my
stuff when you weren't here.

Yeah, well, I was just worried
that you were going to

sleep with my couch
and TV at the same time,

so I couldn't risk it.

That doesn't make sense.

None of this makes sense, Sarah!
How could you do this?

You cheat on me? And you ruin
my favorite radio program
because I forget a dinner?

It wasn't a dinner, Justin!
It was our anniversary.

And a lot of others, too.

My birthday.
My grandmother's funeral.

The Clean the Bay Charity Walk?

- That one I forgot on purpose.
- Don't be petty.

I'm not.
It was early as shit.

So, what? You're gonna
throw away everything we had?

We've been stuck.

I can't remember
the last time I felt excited.

Can you?

It'll be good.
For the both of us.

We can finally be happy.

I didn't want to be happy.
I wanted to be with you!

Think about that.

- Goodbye, Justin.
- Yeah.

[woman on phone]
Hello, Justin.

- Hi.
- Hm. I like that name. Justin.

Oh, thank you.
Uh, what's your name?

Barbie. Like the doll,
but bigger boobs.

Oh.
[chuckles]

You know what I heard?

- Justin's have thick cocks--
- [phone buzzes]

No, not...

I had a girlfriend, Barbie,

- until recently and--
- Did you screw her best friend?

No. I can be kinda forgetful.

And and I forgot
one too many things.

Now I am just feeling kinda
lonely, and, uh, worthless

and stressed, you know,
I have a gross eczema rash
on my hand

and I've just never
had anything like it.

It just broke out and I'm a
little worried that if I go see
a doctor,

it's going to cost a lot,
because the medical coverage
at my work, Barbie, is terrible.

It's awful.
It's an 80/20 copay.

That means I have to pay
80 and they pay 20 percent
and they--

Bet you got a big old
donkey dick, don't you, Justin?

Geez, Barbie.

Barbie,
have you ever been dumped?

I've been dumped on,
fecally speaking.

[groans] Yeah, that doesn't
really do it for me.

Well, tell me what does do
it for you, donkey dick?

Um, a girl who
won't cheat on you?

A girl who won't have a
ménage-a-trios or anything
French for that matter.

I mean, I can't believe that she
would do that.

It's just makes me sad.

A well-endowed horse dick guy
like you, you deserve better.

That's very nice of you, Barbie.

You're very good at your job,
but I'm, I'm not a horse dick.

I am a very average sized
ani... I'm goat dick at best.

Well, then maybe subconsciously
you knew she wasn't the one,

so that's why
you would forget things.

Huh.

Yeah, ah, wow.

[phones ringing]

[mouse clicks]

[woman]
Ooo. Narcissist much?

Oh, I guess.

That's... it's not...
No, no, no, not at all,

I... that's for, um, I'm
doing it cause of a...

- It's a stupid thing.
- If you want, like,

an actual photo
where you don't have to actually

crop out your ex,
I moonlight as a photographer.

- Really?
- Yeah.

I prefer dance photography,
but I could photograph you.

Oh that's, that's...
I would not ask you
to waste your talents on me.

No, it wouldn't be wasting.

I mean, you could,
like, bust a move.

I'm not, ah,
what you would call a mover.

I could do normal
portraits as well.

That's very nice.
I will let you know.

- Thank you. If it... Yeah.
- Alright.

Okay. Bye.

Where were you last night?

- Nowhere.
- I tried calling you.

- Really?
- Really?

I was talking to Julio
from maintenance the other day,

and as I am talking to him,
I'm thinking to myself:

"Boy, I could really use
a burrito right now."

You think that's racist?

Yes.

Well, I guess
I'm a hungry racist.

You know, I am going to ask Earl
if we can throw an office party

for, you know, rally the troops.

I'm all for it. I just don't
know how much of
a party guy Earl is?

I saw your profile picture.

- Already?
- And it wasn't very impressive.

Well, now, I wish Louis
had not sent that to you.

- Look at this.
- No, I've seen the picture.

You know what that's called?
That's called monkey mouth.

It's my mouth.

If I'm a chick
and I'm looking at this,

I'm thinking,
"That guy definitely has
a severe case of halitosis."

Well, when you zoom in
like that...

- That's not my Justin.
- It's temporary, alright?

- We'll use it for right now.
- That's not my baby Justin.

Yes, okay,
we'll use it just temporarily

and if it gets a bad reaction,
um, actually Laura offered
to take my picture.

- Did she?
- Yeah.

- She's nice, huh?
- Uh, yes.

You know she can clean herself
like a cat?

I'm sor... I beg your pardon?

One day I walk in,
early morning,

and I seen her licking
her own collarbone.
Like a cat.

No, I don't think
that's a real thing.

You know, and I've tried.
It's impossible.

- I'm gonna go get a soda.
- You have to be superhuman.

Did you know that you're

more likely to die in a
vending machine accident

than be attacked by a shark?

- Is that true?
- Mm-hm.

Yup, like two to three people
every year die in a vending
machine accident,

it's like
one in 112,000,000, right?

Whereas, like,
I think one in 251,800,000

die in shark attack every year,
so that means that you're more
than twice as likely

to actually die from a
vending machine accident
than to be eaten by a shark.

Which is really funny, because
people are terrified of sharks

and have really no reasonable
fear of vending machines
whatsoever.

- That's a good point.
- Yeah.

That's a really good point.

I mean that's probably
how they kill you.

They... they lull you into
a false sense of security

and that's when
they just pounce.

- Yeah.
- Yeah.

- Tricky devils.
- Wow.

This was a mistake.

Hm.

Oh, boy.

No. No. No. No!

Did I not put
specifications in here?

Cat lady. Cat lady. Cat lady.

Puppy.

[music plays]

- Justin!
- Oh, God.

Come here, loverboy.

Hey, Louis.
How's it going, man?

I am so glad to see you.

Good to see you, Louis.

[giggles]

Justin, meet Pamela,
my lady friend for the evening.

- She is the best.
- [laughter]

What are you drinking?

Oh, no. No.
I got it.

Please. I insist.

Vodka and, ah, vodka.

Sir, a shot of your finest vodka
for my friend, please.

Kalashnikov is fine.

Isn't that
a type of machine gun?

[laughing]

Yeah, it is.
It's also a cheap vodka.

Oh, here we are.

To the unbridled dance.

May it always
be forever rhythmic.

In the eyes.
Or seven years bad sex.

So all you have to do
is be yourself,

just a confident, secure,
sexual version of yourself.

Oh, is that all? [chuckles]
Piece of cake!

Nice to meet you, Pamela.

See you later.

Hi. Are you Heidi?

- No, I'm not Heidi.
- Sorry to bother you.

Hi!

- Hi?
- I'm Heidi.

You're what?

You're waiting to meet a
woman named Heidi, aren't you?

You're Justin?

Um, I, ah...

These are from the gentleman
from the bar.

[Heidi]
Thank the gentleman at he bar.

Vodka is my drink of choice.
Cheers!

No, ah, I'm... I'm sorry,
I think there's a mix-up.

I'm waiting for a Heidi,
but this is the Heidi
I am waiting for.

You've been talking to me
online, but that picture
is of my little sister.

I just don't know why
you used her picture--

You were so nice online,
and for one night,

I just wanted to see what
it was like to walk in her shoes

and have dinner with
a handsome guy like yourself.

Handsome is a strong word.

Your profile picture
does not do you justice.

Now that I am seeing you
in person... meow.

Okay. Can I ask
you something? Personal?

You can ask me anything.

Um, what, um,
what happened to your arm?

Oh, uh, it was a vending
machine accident.

Sure, sure. That's fine.

You know what, actually
I think this was a mistake.

Um, the trust
has kind of been broken.

[sigh] It's just it's
really hard.

I'm sorry that I lied to you,
but I get a lot of nub seekers.

Nub seekers?

Acrotomophiliacs, like people
obsessed with amputees.

It's like a weird fetish.

Here you go.

Thank you.

The last time that I went out
to a restaurant like this,

my boyfriend broke up with me
and I thought that
he was going to propose.

- [Heidi crying]
- Oh...

[crying gasp]

Alright... There, there, there.
There, there.

Actually, Heidi, you know what,
I kind of understand what you're
going through.

I myself am experiencing
something similar right now.

- You are?
- Do you want to know?

Um, a couple of mornings ago,
I woke up to my girlfriend

on national radio saying
she was going to dump me

and that she had a threeway
with complete strangers.

So...

Oh, my God.

Mm-hm.

You're the Justin
from the Jimmy D show?

Oh you heard it?!

Heartless... to have a threeway
with a couple strangers

and then brag about it
on national radio?

- Right?
- She used your last name.

That's a security issue!

- Any woman would be
lucky to have you.
- Nah...

I know you don't care
what I think

cause I just lied to you
and I fuckin suck for that,

but if I was
good enough for you...

You're not... you are good.

I don't deserve to be happy

and I shouldn't
have wasted your time.

- And I'm really sorry.
- No... Heidi...

Heidi, listen to me.

You do deserve to be happy.

[moaning]

Sorry. Not quite.

- Yeah...
- Still not it.

- Feels like you're trying to
put wet Play-Doh inside of me.
- Just give me a sec.

- This is--
- I know, that's my fault.

- Does this help?
- No, that really
doesn't do anything.

Um, you know what?

Maybe we shouldn't do this,
right?

I mean, I've had a nice night,
but I think we're doing it
for the wrong reasons.

We're both pretty vulnerable.

We both just got out of long
relationships.

I hear what you're saying.

And...

[groaning]

[speaks indistinct]

- Oh, my God.
- Does this make you
feel comfortable?

- You comfortable now?
- Oh, yeah.

Uh-huh.
Oh, my God.

- Meow!
- Oh, my God!

- Like you mean it!
- Oh, wait!

Oh you want me to meow?
Actual meow?

Meow! Meow!

Oh, my God.

[moaning]

Meow!

[screaming]

[computer clicking]

- Hey.
- Hey.

Um, so Sammy and I are
going to go to the bar
and grab some drinks,

if you would like to join us.

Yeah, uh, I am tempted. Yeah.

So yeah.
Maybe we'll see you there.

- Yeah.
- Okay.

[rock music plays]

Louis, ah,
told me about your hot date.

I didn't realize
you were into the fats.

Alright, she was a woman.
That--

And fat women are, like,
they really, they really
go for it, like--

Just a person.

They use their heart
when they're having sex.

I don't know.
I don't generalize.

You took her to pound town?

Pound town?
That's not a real place.

- How did it feel?
- How did what feel?

- Did it feel fat?
- Did it feel fat?

That's terrible. I'm not
going to acknowledge that.

Was it good?

You know what? It was.

It was, it was really nice.

I, you know, it was different,
but it was, it was, pretty good.

Did you wear a condom?

How is that any of your
business?

It's a small town, brother.

You don't want
what I'm putting out there,

and I don't want
you're putting out there.

Not that small a town.

So you don't need
to worry about it,

but yes of course,
I wore a condom.

I wear three.

It desensitizes me so that
I don't ejaculate prematurely.

You know
that's actually dangerous.

They say the more condoms
you wear the higher risk
there is of them breaking.

- Old wives tale.
- No, that's just a fact.

- That's a fact.
- Laura...

- No don't, don't ask her--
- Yes?

- Come here.
- What?

Is it true that if you
use multiple condoms,
say three condoms,

it increases the friction
which in turn increases
the risk of breakage?

Condoms...

- Who needs them?
- [chuckles] Listen to this one!

I get enough rubber up my vagina
with my yearly visit
with Dr. Karen, so...

Excuse me.

[laughing]

Whoa!

Justin, you look really
uncomfortable right now.

- I am! Yeah.
- Hey!

Don Julio!

You know what? I've had my limit
of two drinks, so I'm good.

- Uno mas!
- Everybody's doing it.

- Everybody's doing it, Laura.
- Okay, well, in that case.

Okay, the job is shit,
but the people are not.

Except for Earl,
that motherfucker!

To good company!

Wooooo!

[chuckles]
I like to scream in public.

Okay. I'm going to go
punch Chantal in the back.

I should get out of here
before I pass out.

Oh, yeah.
How are you gonna get home?

I'm probably
just going to cab it.

Actually, um,
I'd be happy to drive you.

I'm going to take off soon, too,
and I'm good to drive cause

I actually have a very high
alcohol tolerance.

No, I feel like soon enough
I'm going to be
pretty inebriated

and I would prefer you
not see me that way.

No judgment.
I am merely a chauffeur.

Door to door service.

Even if I'm like spewing stuff
left and right and I can't even

form a complete sentence?

Well, see, now I have to take
you, cause that sounds hilarious

and there's no way
I'm missing out on that.

- Okay.
- Do you want me
to take you home?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

Let me get my stuff.

So, how did you get started
at Cal-Telcom?

Um, I--

You know, how about I answer
for you and you answer for me?

- Okay, sure.
- Okay.

Hi, I'm Justin Davis,
and I work at Cal-Telcom.

- I'm an old soothsayer?
- It's weird. It's weird.

I'm so sorry.

No, it's nice to hear
my voice back to me

cause I don't know
what I sound like.

- It's exactly how you sound.
- It is? Perfect.

It was the first job interview
I got out of college, okay.

Student loans rang
and all add up and someone's
gotta pay the bills.

Decent hours, right?

Make enough money to take a lady
out on a date every once in a
while,

when I don't forget.

- Oh, come on. Low blow.
- Nice dig.

After a few years
of pay period living,

I figured why did I get
my business degree?

And why am I still paying for
an education that
I'm not even using?

However, there still is
assistant manager!

- What's wrong with management?
- Nothing.

Okay. My turn.

I'm Laura Leonard.
I work at Cal-Telcom.

It was just supposed to be
temporary to supplement
photography, my true passion,

but weeks turned into months
and pretty soon the concept of

"Don't quit your day job"
began to mentally fester inside.

Sorry, I cannot be blamed
for expensive film!

Why don't you
just switch to digital?

No, because dance is so much
more beautiful on film.

I get it.
It's nostalgic, too.

Yeah.

I am feeling totally buzzed.

I am the biggest lightweight
on the planet.

Yeah. Well, that's good.
You're a cheap date.

- Do not call me cheap.
- No.

Oh, I didn't mean
that you were cheap. I'm sorry.

No, I was saying just cause you
wouldn't have to buy a lot of
beers and save on...

I'm totally messing with you.

Okay. Alright.

- Yes.
- Oh, hang on, hang on.

Pull over, pull over,
pull over, pull over.

Oh, shit. You're gonna vomit.
Hold on, okay.

[music plays on radio]

- You okay?
- Yeah.

- Be my model.
- Oh.

- Your... your model?
- Get in there.

Come on. Quit stalling.
Get over there.

[music plays louder]

- Okay. Now dance.
- You want me to dance?

- Yes.
- That's not gonna happen.

Okay.

Don't worry.

Sit back.
I will not judge you.

Now dance.

Okay, now a little less douchey.

- [camera clicks]
- I beg your pardon?
Douchey?

Just dance
like no one's watching.

Like, bust a move. Get down.

Oh, that's so good.

Look at you,
you sexy thing.

Ooh, that's a good one.

Oh.

That's a good one.
[laughs]

Wiggle, wiggle the butt.

Gotta get back to the yard...

Excellent depiction
of The Thinker.

Um, the only thing,
is that the thinker was nude.

This is true. You're right.

I, um, am not doing it
all the way right.

So you're gonna have to
take off your clothes.

Are you serious right now?

Yeah. Take off your clothes.

Come on, this is art.
I'm an artist.

Yeah, I don't think
that will matter to the cops

when they bust me
for being nude in public.

Okay, well, we're not going to
leave until I get the shot.

So...

[groans]

Alright. Yeah.
Why not?

There you go.
Bow-chickabow-wow.

- If you have any singles...
- [laughing]

...I appreciate tips.

I'm totally messing with you.

- I know!
- You were stripping!

I'm messing back with you!
I'm not stripping!

- You were taking off
your clothes.
- I was calling your bluff!

You could have been
arrested for that.

I was trying to be The Thinker,

who actually The Thinker
was originally called The Poet.

Right, yeah, it was, um,
it was meant to depict Dante

pondering in front
of the gates of hell.

You know Dante?

Remember tonight for it is
the beginning of always.

Alright, well now you're just
showing off.

That's very impressive.

You know Dante
enough to quote it.

How about that whole
Beatrice thing?

That was a bummer, huh?

I don't know, I think,
I think he loved her.

I think she was his inspiration.

Yeah, it's just a shame he never
got to tell her

how he really felt about her.

Maybe he thought that if he did,

the idea that he had of her
could be changed?

- [camera clicks]
- [laughing]

I didn't know
what was happening.

I gotcha.

Here.

I'll give you a hand.
I got that.

- Thanks.
- You're welcome.

- Thank you for driving.
- Oh, my gosh. My pleasure.

It was no trouble at all.

Really?

I didn't say it was a date.

It doesn't need to be a date
for me to be a gentleman.

- Sorry.
- You okay?

- Mm.
- I gotcha.

- [Laura retches]
- Alright.

Okay. That's okay.
You held it in.

- Mm-hm.
- You alright?

Mm-hm. Yep.

Ooh, there you go.
What a trooper.

- Are you going to be okay?
- Yep.

- Mm. Mm-hm.
- You sure? Okay.

Ah, remember to sleep face down.

Don't pull a Hendrix.

Good. I'll see you tomorrow.

[phone buzzes]

Hi.

What are you drinking?
Red wine?

I, ah, am a vodka man myself.

- Can we get two vodkas?
- Yeah.

Perhaps you'll join me?

I gotta say, ah... [chuckles]

That was some pretty interesting
stuff that you were saying.

What you were talking about,

it, ah, was pretty interesting,
but I'm open to it.

- Um...
- Listen, listen, listen.

If you're embarrassed
about the picture, it's okay.

I understand.
It's happened to me already.

You're not the first,
and honestly, comparatively,
you're a pleasant surprise.

I think I might be
into big girls,

because the one who took me home
last night, she blew my mind.

And so if you're game?

I wanna meow with you, Kacy.

I'm not Kacy.

- Justin?
- Kacy!

Hi!

- Hi!
- Good to see you!

- You look like you!
- Good to see you.

Ah, you wanna grab a drink?

- Let's!
- Let's do it.

I'm terribly sorry.

This was a big misunderstanding.

- Have a good night.
- Oh, okay.

[moaning]

- Flip me.
- What?

Flip me. Okay.

Oh... That was fast.

Put it in my butt.

- Really?
- Yeah, yeah.

- Okay, um, thank you.
- Be gentle.

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay. Just be gentle.

- Oh!
- Gentle! Gentle!

Gentle! Gentle! Gentle!

- [groaning]
- Oh, wow!

Gentle! Gentle! Gentle!

- [groaning]
- Right there! Right there!

You like to breathe?
You like to breathe?

- I--
- Breathe! Breathe!

- I do like... I do like to...
- Turning blue?

- Turning the color blue?
- Tap out! Tap out.

Alright. Okay, sure.
Is that comfortable for you?

- Yeah.
- Yeah?

- Swim... You like to swim?
- I'm swimming to you.

- Swim!
- I'm swimming into you!

I want to drink you up!

[moaning]

I want to drink you up!

- Nice and tasty with a--
- Oh, my God!

Oh, that shouldn't feel good.

- [moaning]
- Oh, wow!

Where'd you go?

- Why are you so fast?
- Juice me, baby!

Ah! Ah! Ah! Ah!

- Yeah.
- Here it comes...

[both moaning]

I'm so sorry.

- So, you came on her purse?
- Mm-hm.

- Well, that's embarrassing.
- Yeah.

All I was thinking, was,
how many different guys
has she been with?

Fifty or a hundred?

- Right.
- Ugh. I feel dirty.

Did you hear about the new
assistant manager position?

That might be cool.

Yeah, if you want to end up like
Earl for the rest of your life.

Well, what's wrong
with Earl's life?

He's got his own office.

His own parking space. A wife.

Those sound like pretty
good perks.

Don't let the job title
fool you.

There's no growth here.

Earl's going to be
manager until he...

...until he
chokes on his own neck.

If you get comfortable here,
if you get comfortable living

paycheck to paycheck, that's how
you get stuck, brother.

And what is the problem
with being comfortable
with job security?

Cause, I don't know if you know
this, but we're in a recession.

Are we in a recession?

I actually don't know.

We're still... Well?
Probably not.

But I feel like,
there are lots of people
who would kill for this job.

There is no one killing to work
at fucking Cal-Telcom.

You know if they offered me
the assistant manager position,
I'd turn that shit down.

You know why?

Cause I value this.
I place value on myself.

Place it on.

And one day, I'm gonna get outta
here and find something better

and something more fulfilling
than working in this rat hole.

Yeah, well, if that's true,
then why don't you just
do something about it?

Either quit, get a job
that doesn't suck,

or stop complaining about it,
because I think, really,
I think you like this job.

Don't fucking talk
that way to me.

Look I'm sorry.

I don't like to be
talked to like that.

- [phone ringing]
- Alright?

Who's calling me?

Oh, it's your mom!
I gotta take this.

Hey, babe.

Hey, Justin.

Earl.

Talked to corporate earlier.

Rumors you hear about them
wanting me to bring on

an assistant manager...
are true.

Oh, good. Oh, yeah.
I'd heard something.

They want to
promote from within.

That's great.
That's awesome.

If I were you, I would see
that as a good opportunity.

And there are a lot of perks.

So, keep up the good work.

Cal-Telcom, this is Justin.

[woman with deep voice]
Hello, Justin.

Hi. How may I be of service?

You were fucking
amazing last night.

I'm sorry, who is this?

You don't remember me?

Kacy?

[Laura] Who's Kacy?

[chuckles]

I knew it was you.

[chuckles]

No, I just made up a name.
I knew it was you.

Um, what's going on?

Um, so I have those pictures
from the other night

if you want to come
check 'em out?

Yeah, yeah.

You don't like them?

- Not really...
- Come on.

No, of course!
These are incredible.

Are you kidding me?
These are amazing!

Have you ever thought of
showing these to anybody?

- No, no, no, no.
- Why not?

No, um...

I showed my friend Emily once
and she said that I could maybe

show them in her gallery,
but I think she might
of just been being nice.

I know nothing about photos,
and I'm interested by these.

So I should trust your opinion?

Yeah!

- If, if I were to show them...
- When.

...at her gallery,
would you go and be my date?

That is of course unless you
completely are afraid

of doing it because I almost
puked on you the other night.

- Which is totally okay!
- Exactly.

No, that was
my first thought, like,

- am I going to be in danger
of being vomited on?
- Right. Right.

- But you know,
you held it in, so...
- I did.

I'll man up. Alright.

You do the showing,
I'll be your date.

Deal.

- [Sammy] Laura from work Laura?
- Laura from work Laura.

[Sammy] But you're still
gonna do the online thing?

Yeah, I don't know
about that, man.

I kind of want to see where this
thing with Laura goes, you know?

[Sammy] Dude, do not get back
right into a relationship.

Why not?

Isn't that what this
whole online dating thing
is about anyway?

No. It's about
having sex with sluts.

Well, I wouldn't
call them sluts.

Well, that's what they are.

That's what Casual Encounters
is all about.

What do you mean?

Casual Encounters
are all people who are DTF.

Do you know what that means?

- Yeah.
- Tell me. I don't know.

- Down to fuck.
- Yes. Easy lays.

Besides, Laura is primo.

A girl like that
you only get one shot at.

You can't cum on her purse.
She won't stand for it.

- I'll conference Louis in.
- No, please don't do that.

- Laura from work Laura?
- Laura from work Laura.

I see.

And now young Justin
is wanting to put all
his eggs in her basket.

- That is a mistake.
- Wait. Why is that?

Because those eggs
might not hatch.

Thank you!

You don't Laura's intentions

and she could be seeing
other people just as well.

- I don't think she is.
- Well, you don't know for sure.

Best to just keep your options
open until you do.

Besides, it will benefit you
if you end up with Laura.

How so?

Laura is primo.

That's funny, because you know
that's exactly what I said.

- You're learning.
- [Justin] Wait, um, I'm sorry.

Can someone explain to me
what primo means?

Laura is an exquisite woman

and is accustomed to
a specific kind of partner.

Did you know Paul?

Her ex? No.

Well I did.
He was in the Navy.

Travelled the world,
port to port,

learning God knows what
kind of incredible techniques.

That's what Laura
is accustomed to.

Do you have any dates planned?

I actually have one for tonight,
but I was thinking about
canceling it.

[both] Don't!

Don't do that, fucker!

Just keep the date
as planned and be open.

Alright, but I'm telling you,
I'm not gonna be into it.

[moaning]

[grunts]

[growls]

[laughing]

Oh, my God.

You want to do something kinky?

Sure.

Woo!

- Woo-hoo!
- How about a blumpie?

- Yeah, that sounds good to me.
- Whoooo!

- Yee-ha!
- Blumpies are so hot!

- Okay.
- Mmmm.

- Sure.
- Come with me, stud.

Okay.

Oh, yes.
I like blumpies.

I never called it
a blumpie before.

Come on, let's go.

Take the
Browns to the Superbowl.

What exactly do you mean?

- Take a shit.
- Ohhh! Fuck.

Ew! Ew! Ew!

Oh, God, what is wrong with you?

No!

I...

Listen, I'm sorry but I
am not that kind of guy.

Okay?

And if I'm being honest,
Mercedes, tonight was a mistake.

And it's not your fault.

Actually there is this girl
who is, she's amazing and, um,

I think I'm falling for her.

And so this feels really wrong
and it's not you it's...

Mercedes... Mercedes, shit!

Mercedes. Oh, no, no, no.

Oh, no. Please don't die.

I don't know how to
fucking do that.

Godammit, Sammy!
Alright, we gotta get you help!

We gotta get you help, honey.
Oh, my gosh.

Up we go. One, two, three.
I'm so sorry. Okay.

- [head bumps against door]
- Oh, shit.

I am sorry twice now.

Are you a doctor?

Are you a doctor or a nurse?
I can't tell.

Here we go.
I got you there.

She's unconscious.
She hit her head
and she hasn't woken up.

We were in the bathroom...
Do you know what a blumpie is?

I know what a blumpie is.

Okay, cause I didn't
and it's disgusting, right?

But she wouldn't stop,
so I tried to just

push her off of me
and she hit her head.

I've never seen someone
get knocked unconscious from
a blumpie before.

Is she going to be okay?

I mean, there's no blood, but...

You're going to need
to go inside

and fill out an incident report.

I'm not going to do that.

[car door shuts]
[tires screech]

Hey, Earl.

You're early.

Yes, I am.

I like it.

It shows leadership qualities.

Of course,
I get in around 8:30.

- That's impressive.
- Don't clock in before 9:00.

You got it.

[cell phone buzzes]

Hi, Mom.

[Mom]
Oh! Finally.

How's everything going?

Ah... fine.

Oh, Sammy tells me
that you've been

going on some online dates.

Have you been meeting,
you know, some nice girls?

No, Mom, I have not been
meeting nice girls.

I've been meeting almost the
exact opposite of nice girls.

Oh, come on, come on.

Mom, I can't, I'm at work.

Okay. I lov...
I'll talk to you later.

I'll call you back.
Bye, bye. I love you, bye.

His body was hard like
Michelangelo's David.

- I could feel myself warming--
- [clicks off]

- Hey, Louis.
- Hello, Justin.

I need you to delete my profile
from Casual Encounters
immediately, please.

Okay. Not a problem.

- Can I get a reason?
- Oh, I'll give you a few.

There's the 300 pound
girl who broke my bed.

There's the one woman
ass-circus nympho who forced me
to shoot my load in her face.

I thought you came
on her purse?

And then there's last night,
where I found myself dragging

a girl's unconscious body
from my bathroom to the ER.

She's fine, I think.
It's not for me.

Okay?
And I've actually...

I've got something
really great going on so...

We often find our destiny taking
a road we took to avoid it.

Un-huh.

That means you're going to
delete the stuff, right?

- Oh, yeah. I'll delete it.
- Thank you.

So, how did it go last night?

I'm done with Casual Encounters.

Oh no. What happened?

This stupid thing never works.

That thing is just for show.

I think I just need to figure
out my love life on my own.

I understand.

I went to the doctor yesterday

and found out
some very bad news.

You got an STD?

I have the old acid reflux.

Been spitting up gunk for,
geez, just about 18 months now.

And you just went to the doctor?

Well, I was handling it myself,

you know, bananas and peaches.

- Um...
- Didn't help.

So anyway,
it's 40 milligrams of Prilosec

everyday from here on in.

[chuckles]

You know, you never know what's
gonna get ya,

but we all die from something.

I don't think acid reflux is
going to kill you.

Did you know
our health insurance
only covers 20 percent?

- I actually did.
- That's a little strange.

Yeah, I'll see you, buddy.

Oh, yeah.

[English accent]
Crackers and knickers!
Crackers and knickers!

[laughing]

Ooh! Hold a tick,
time for my spot of tea.

- [normal voice] Hey.
- Hey.

Um, I know that you had said
that I could be your date

for the exhibit,
but I was wondering
if maybe in the meantime,

you would like to
grab dinner or something?

- Okay.
- Okay.

Um, I live with my mom, and so
maybe I should pick you up?

Yeah, oh, yeah,
yeah, yeah. Sure.

She could come with us?

- Mmmmmm?
- No, yeah you're right.

- Just us.
- Just us.

- Okay.
- Yeah, okay.

- Tonight?
- Yeah.

- Okay.
- Sure.

- We'll do it.
- Sure.

- Great.
- Yep.

Aw. Tulips.
I love tulips.

I'm glad.

And may I say, your two lips
aren't too shabby either?

- [laughs]
- That was cheesy?

Yeah, it was cheesy.
Cheesy's good.

Okay. So where'd you want
to go tonight?

Um, I was thinking maybe
Carson House?

Yeah, I mean, do you want
to try something new maybe?

Or something different?

Honestly, when it comes to,
like, food and bars,

- I kinda like the same.
- Okay. Same.

Let's do it.

[music plays]

- Louis is here.
- Oh, and he's got a friend.

Two machine guns.

Oh.

We didn't,
we didn't order these, right?

- No, ah, I ah, thanks...
- She's a cutie.

[chuckles]

- A shot before dinner?
- I know.

It's...
it's terrible, isn't it?

I apologize. Do you not...
we don't have to do it.

- Don't apologize! Let's...
- Is that okay? Are you game?

- Yeah. Let's do this.
- Start it up.

Alright.

- That was terrible.
- Yeah.

Um, so, what did she
whisper to you?

- You wanna know?
- It looked nice. Yeah.

- It was very pleasant.
- Mm-hm.

Uh, she told me
that you are a cutie.

- She did.
- Cutie?

That's literally what she said.

I think she might be
a lesbian for you.

- Guys! Hey!
- Louis, you found us!

This is epic!

Outside of work.

- I know.
- Weird!

- We're real people. What?
- Yeah.

- You guys are the best!
- You are!

[laughs]
Well, have a magical night.

- Together.
- Thank you.

- Yeah.
- Okay...

She is primo. Primo!

- [Justin laughs uncomfortably]
- What did he say?

I think, well he said "primo."
It's Italian for co-worker.

People are just, like,
whispering left and right...

Yeah, I-I come here,
I guess a fair amount.

- Okay.
- So, date question.

- Okay.
- Do you have any siblings?

- No.
- Okay.

What about you?
Do you have siblings?

Also an only child.
My mom and dad

sat me down when I was six
and asked me if I wanted
a brother or sister.

What'd you say?

I told them that
I wanted a cat.

Be careful, because you don't
want to end up that sort of

sad cat lady,
who, you know, she spends
all her time and affection

on feeding and watering
and talking to
and putting in outfits

and dressing up in Christmas
sweaters around the holidays
for her Christmas card.

That's totally me.

- Oh.
- I have a cat,

and I knit my cat really
awesome Christmas sweaters.

I don't... I was thinking of,
like, a cat lady,

like old and you know,
you're, you're not,
I don't...

I'm sorry if I hurt
your feelings.

- Did you make me bleed?
- I hope not.

Did you break my heart? Did...

- No, I don't think so.
- Okay, then stop apologizing.

- It's alright.
- Gotcha.

[music plays]

Um, so I have
been thinking about the exhibit.

- If I were to do a show...
- Yes!

- If. Um, I picked some photos
that I would use potentially.
- Show me! Yes!

- Um, my...
- Show me!

- My... right down in my bag.
- Yeah, yeah.

- So...
- Oh, look at this.

Very professional.
I like that.

Oh, wow. That's awesome.

You're very good.

This is amazing.

Did you talk to your friend?
To Emily?

- No.
- You didn't call her?

- No.
- Why not?

What if people don't like it?

Well, rejection is a fucker.

I'm not saying they'll reject
your work, I just mean,

I know how it feels and so
to be afraid is understandable.

But you should push through,
because I think you have a gift.

You make the world prettier.

Um, sorry, is this your phone?

- This is yours, right?
- Yeah.

Do you mind if I just
make a call on it real quick?

- No. No.
- Do you mind if I--

- Okay... No!
- You don't mind?

- Oh, thank you.
- No, no, no...

There's no passcode on this!
That's dangerous!

You are not supposed to mess
with a lady's telephone!

You... don't you know
to believe in yourself?

Do you know that lesson though?

- I would...
- But I would, if I...

It's call... It's ringing...

It will be rude
if we hang up now.

Hi. Is this Emily?

Hi. This is Justin.

Uh, no, Laura's fine.

Um, I work with Laura.
I'm Justin.

You've heard of me?
That's interesting.

Well, Emily, the reason
I am calling you
is cause I happen to feel

that Laura is the most
talented photographer

I have ever seen and she
mentioned to me your offer.

Yes.

I understand.

Alright. Thank you.

Nice talking to you, Emily.

Yeah, bye.
Have a good night.

Oh... what did she...
What did she say?

Oh you want to know
about the phone call?

You're right, I'm sorry.
That's rude.

She told me that
starting this Friday,

you will have a place
for people to view your work.

[music plays]

Um, do you mind if
we just wait for this?

- Of course, sure.
- Yeah?

- Yeah, of course.
- Okay.

- You okay?
- Yeah. No, no. I'm good.

- I just, I just think we should
lay a little bit.
- I love laying. I love it.

- Yeah?
- Yeah.

This is nice.

I haven't been this happy
in a long time.

[alarm beeps]

- [sighs]
- Mm.

What do you say
we just skip work

and stay in
and hang out all day?

I'd say that's, like,
the best idea you've ever had.

Yeah.

But, ah, I'm up for the
assistant manager position...

- Right.
- ...so I feel like I should be
on my best behavior.

I'm so sorry.
Are you mad?

- No.
- Don't me mad at me.

- No, I'm not.
- Okay. Raincheck?

Yes.

Um, did you know Earl

had that same conversation
with Sammy and I?

He did? He said that?

I didn't know that.
That's awesome. That's great.

I think if you want to do that,
you should do that,

because you would be,
you'd be great at it.

No, I don't I don't,
I don't want it.

I think Sammy does.

I think it would be
down to you guys, but--

Sammy literally told
me he did not want it.

He said that to me. And he's
terrible at his current job.

No, he's...
he's trying to be cool.

Are you playing it cool?

No, I'm just,
I'm just really cool.

- You are very cool.
- Mm-hmm.

I'm gonna get in the shower.
You gonna stay in bed?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

The one that's blinking
is great.

So why don't you go ahead
and pull out the power cord.

Great. And then wait about
10 to 15 seconds
to plug it back in.

That's right.

[phone buzzes]

Alright, that's great to hear.

I actually have to leave,
but I hope you have
a great night,

and thank you for calling
Cal-Telcom.

[music plays]

This one, to me, says: joy.

Wow.

Could you, um,
just excuse me for a minute?

This close
to having a threesome.

This close.

With them?

I'm joking,
I'm joking with you.

I'll get it.
I'll get it eventually.

- Yeah. Hi.
- Hi.

You look... wow.
Really wow.

Thanks.

You always look wow, but this
is a very special kind of wow.

- Thank you.
- And this is amazing!

You did it!
You really did it.

And I got you
a little something to celebrate.

Ooh! Okay.

Looks like I'm gonna have to go
on the two finger diet
for this one, huh?

No! It's a cat sweater.

Yeah, you wouldn't fit,
I mean, you could fit probably.

You could try if you really,
you know, you're...

You're not fat.

- It's perfect.
- Oh, good.

Thank you.

- Hi.
- Hi.

Hey.

- Show me your stuff.
- Okay.

- Wow.
- Yeah.

I know her.

[Laura]
I know. Daisy.

She's a totally different person
when she's not texting.

I didn't know
she had a face. Yeah.

She's beautiful.

O-M-G.
Laura!

I'm digging the turn out.

Thank you so much
for everything, Em.

Dude, you're like my sister.

- So, any interest?
- You know, I don't know.

We'll see.
I think maybe a few bites.

- Yay!
- So... Yeah.

Yay!
[chuckles]

I'm sorry. This is Justin.
Justin, this is Emily.

It's so nice to finally
meet you in person.

- Same. Same.
- I've heard so much about you.

- You have?
- Oh...

Not so much.

- Like, psycho stalker much.
- There's truth behind her eyes.

You seem like
you're hiding something.

Well, on that lovely note.

Thank you for that.

- Do you want to get a drink?
- Yeah. Great.

Yeah. Okay.

I actually, I wanna
look at your stuff.

So can I meet you over there?

- Yeah.
- Yeah, okay.

Nice to meet you. Bye.

[growls]
Hey, sexy!

Whoa. Whoa.
Hey, Mercedes.

Hey.
Just drinking my boredom away.

Ready for round two?

Hey, yeah, there's not
going to be a round two.

Okay, there shouldn't
have been a round one.

- My husband's here.
- You're married?!

Oh, he doesn't know about us.
It's just our little secret.

No. Okay. Well, no.

It's not a secret
cause there is no us.

There isn't us.

In fact, that's...
I need you to listen, okay?

The other night was a mistake.
Alright?

I actually didn't want
to go on the date.

That's nothing against you.

Honestly, you're so lovely,
but things got carried away

and I'm so sorry that I knocked
you out in my bathroom.

I feel bad about it, I just
I'm not into this, okay?

I'm really sorry
if I let you down.

No. No, see...
I don't want--

Hey, Laura!
Hi, this is... Laura, wait.

Laura.
Laura, Laura, Laura. Please.

No! No! No!

- Stop it.
- Let me explain.

Explain?! You were making out
with Earl's wife at my showing?

Earl's wife?!
I didn't know...

- Please, please, please.
- Don't touch me.

- Don't touch me.
- I won't touch you.
You have to let me explain.

I'm sorry,
I don't want to leave.

Leave. Please leave.
Leave! Leave!

[Sammy] Busted!
Pulling a French exit?

Shame on you.

I never should have fucking
listened to you!

This is all your fucking fault!
Do you understand?

You dumb fuck.

Why don't you come back here
and say that to my face?

[woman]
Hi! It's Sarah.

I'm so sorry
I missed your call,

but leave a message
and I'll get back to you

as soon as I can.

Hey, Sarah. It's Justin.

Um, I'm just calling to
apologize, because I, ah...

I'm just realizing
that I was not a very good
boyfriend to you,

at the end there.

And you didn't deserve
to be treated like that.

So, I'm sorry.

But I still think it's shitty
that you cheated on me,
so...

Bye. Say hi to your family.

[whistles]

[intercom buzzes]

[Earl] Justin, may I
see you in my office, please?

Chop, chop.

Mm-mm-mm.

Sit.

Um... Were you wearing
those clothes yesterday?

Yes.

- Listen, Earl--
- You got the promotion.

I got the what?

You have been selected to be
the new assistant manager
of Cal-Telcom.

Really?

But, um, I think now
that you're management.

You're going to need to
take care of that--

- Right. Sure.
- Stubble.

I... I do have a razor
in here somewhere.

Oh, and I think I am going to
take Sammy up on his
office party suggestion.

Maybe we could just celebrate
you as the new assistant manager
also at that time?

Earl. I don't agree with the
inter-office dating policy.

Oh.

I actually don't agree with
a lot of the policies.

And you never ever
listen to my suggestions.

Did you know, did you know,
that our elevator hasn't passed
inspection since June?

Of 1978. Okay.
That's not the point.

The point is
I don't like working here.

At all. So I regretfully
will turn down the position.

Not even regretfully.

I'm turning the position down
and this is my resignation.

You should give the assistant
manager job to Sammy.

He wants it and you would be
lucky to have him.

Um. Can you just hold
for one minute

while I check with
one of our advisors?

Laura.

Just forget about it.

I can't.
I can't forget about it.

I feel awful.

Um, what's up with the box?

Oh, um, I quit.

- You quit?
- Mm-hm.

What about the manager,
the assistant manager job?

Yeah, uh, I was stuck.

I... I'm so sorry.

I really am. I'm sorry.

Wasn't even the worst
part of the night?

- No one bought anything.
- What?

- So, yeah...
- You're kidding?

Uh, nope.

I think Emily lost a lot of
money on the night

and I offered to pay her back,
but I don't think
she's gonna let me.

Laura, I'm... You know,
it was your first show.

Um, you know, I should really,
I have a call

and I should be
getting back to it.

Can I just,
before you do that...

After Sarah, before I met you,

I was depressed
and I got some bad advice.

So I started dating online

and it was just
supposed to be casual,

but I didn't know that
casual meant blatant sex,

which I... I was lonely
so I went on a few dates.

And one of those dates
was Earl's wife,

but I did not know
it was Earl's wife.

I swear.

Not until I saw her
at your show.

And we didn't have sex.
That's true. We did not.

There was other...
there was sucking...
that is not important.

I was trying to tell her
that I love you.

I love you, Laura.

Hey.

Earl, I really
have to talk to you... Um...

You know what?
I'm sorry I roughed you up
the other night.

[chuckles]

Uh, it's fine.

You're not that strong
and I work out.

I'm sorry that I fucked things
up for you and Laura.

- No--
- I did. I did.

No. No, I fucked things up
for me and Laura.

You did.

I don't know that it
means anything now,

but I told Earl he should
give you the assistant manager
position.

- What?
- Yeah.

Why did you do that?
I don't want that job.

Because... Yes you do.

- I do not.
- Yes you do.

- I know you do.
- I do do--

Laura told me.

- She told you?
- Yeah, she did.

[sighs deeply]

It wasn't like I was trying
to go behind your back.

- You know that, right?
- No, no. Yeah.

God, no. No, no, no.
I, uh, I think it's a good idea.

I think if you just
apply yourself, I think
you'll be great, man.

You know, you're a lot like
your mom, cause she said
the exact same thing.

Yeah, why do you call my mom?

Well, she's a lot better
than my mom.

Hi, mom.

[Mom] Hi, honey.

How are ya?

- I'm not happy.
- I know. I'm sorry.

Look, I can come over if you
don't want to be alone?

Thank you, Mom.
I appreciate that.

Justin, you just have to go out
there and fight your corner.

You know, figure out what you
want and fight for it.

You have always been good
at problem solving,

so I want you
to solve your own.

I know you can do this, Justin.

Thank you, Mom.
I love you.

I love you more.

Bye.

[music plays]

[music gets louder]

[indistinct chatter]

- It's... It's good.
- Yep.

Chantal.

Boy, that Justin's a hell
of a... hell of a good dude.

- Mm-hm.
- And he likes you.

Likes you more than anyone.
More than me.

So?

Won't you give him
a second chance?

[clears throat]

Earl's, like, really given you
the reigns on the party, huh?

As he should.
[chuckles]

I'm the assistant manager here.

You know I don't think Earl
has ever ever even attempted
to throw a party like this.

I doubt Earl has ever even been
to a party like this one.

I'm sure Earl's been to a party.

Not like this,
not a party like this.

- Sorry--
- Laura, hey... I need to
show you something.

Why did you come here?

Sammy, you said
Earl wouldn't be here!

I said he shouldn't be here,
because you'd be here,

but of course he'd be here.

[grunting] Please, Earl.
I just need to talk to Laura.

- Fuck you.
- I'm so sorry about Mercedes!

- I swear I had no idea!
- I don't want one more word!

You've ruined my marriage!

- You've ruin-
- Earl, let him go!

You cheated on me with him!

[grunting]

Oh!

[yells]

Sammy!

[muffled] Laura, I love you.

I love you.
I am a one-woman man. I swear.

I was with the wrong one woman,
but you're the right one woman.

I will prove it to you!
I will fight for you!

[grunts]

I will prove it you right now!

Earl, please! Stop!

[muffled] Maybe you should
listen to her.

Maybe you should be held
accountable for not listening

to her needs and
that's what ultimately drove her
to look elsewhere.

Earl, he's right.
We need to talk.

I really need
a red room of pain.

[groans]

I am so sorry.

Laura, please,
just come with me.

Justin, I told you,
forget about it.

And I said I wouldn't,
because I want you.

And if you just come with me,
I'll show you--

Just... go.

Just... get the hell out.

Go!

Hey, Laura.

Hey. It's me, Sammy.

Are you okay?

Um, I'm fine.

That was pretty crazy, huh?

Hey, listen. I kind of need you
do to me the biggest favor ever.

Sure.

Would you be so kind as
to go and grab the keg?

- Earl okayed a keg?
- He sure did.

He's feeling
really vulnerable right now,

so I got my hooks in him.

I'll text you the address.

You know,
Justin's right about you,

you really are...
a special lady.

[music plays]

[Louis on radio]
Love, which pardons
no beloved from loving,

took me so strongly with
delight in him that as you see,

it still abandons me not.

- It's Dante.
- Yes, it is.

Suddenly, Justin pulled Laura
to him cupping her breast...

That's not, sorry, he, uh,
went of text pretty quick.

I wasn't bullshitting
when I said you make
the world prettier.

You do, I think
you're so talented, Laura.

And I think others
will see that, too.

So I put a bunch of these up
all over town,

because your photos
are exciting, Laura.

You are exciting
and you excite me.

It's so... this is so sweet.

And know that I would never
forget an anniversary,

or birthday,
or to put the toilet seat down.

Nada. Because I'll be too
excited to be by your side.

That's the cheesiest thing
you've ever said.

It's really cheesy, isn't it?

I had a gut instinct about it,
but I've been practicing it, so.

Cheesy is good.

You inspire me.

I'm your Beatrice.

No, you're my Laura,

and I'm not going to make
the same mistake Dante did.

"Kind words can be short
and easy to speak,

but their echoes are
truly endless."

What the fuck
does that mean?

"Get close to your customers.
So close that you tell them what

they need well before they
realize it themselves."

Fuck that.

"The best way to find yourself,
is to lose yourself
in the service of others."

That's like some
fucking rehab shit.

You know, internet dating
isn't for everyone.

It was not for me
or for us really.

But it works for
a lot of people. Right?

Mm-hm. Yeah, it does.

I think there
is some value to it.

I learned important lessons
doing it

and I guess, in a way,
it brought me to you.

Really? Hmm.

My name is Jim and
I am looking for a rich woman,

who could take care of me.

But she doesn't have to be rich,
if she's Asian.

I really...
my mother died in childbirth,

so I would love to meet a man

who has a really strong
relationship with his mother,

because I'd love a mom.

I like to stay in shape.

I like to make a little cash.

I like to wheel and deal

and dammit I think I got
a lot going on over here.

I don't know
why I'm still single.

My name is Yovanka and I am
single and I am available.

Okay? I am a Scorpio
and I like to fuck.

I wonder sometimes am I talking
to a woman right now?

Or am I talking to
some guy in Russia?

I think it's been a while
since I've done this, and I...

Oh.

Uh...
[clears throat]

I'm dating online because
everybody I meet is a douchebag.

Like, um, fat women

or women
with mental disabilities.

I'm looking for guys that are
really fun, super cool.

Um, great body.
[chuckles]

Hinana!

We are looking for a...
feline friendly guy.

[chuckles]

And preferably someone
who likes to sing,
because we love to sing!

Don't we, Pickles?

So, here's what we sing.
Let's sing our song.

♪ We love the mouse
who lives in the kitchen ♪

I feel like it's hard
to function in life,

because every time I just
go to the store, or I'm driving.

I'm like: is that person next
to me going to break my heart?

This person cashing me out
at the grocery store,

are they gonna
break my heart again?

So I'm looking to meet someone

who is not going
to do that to me.

I believe that many times
you come into loves and so,

even though I don't know
where he is, okay?

I still can love him from afar.

It's like, you love apples
and you love bananas, okay?

I can love them both.

I will find love again,

especially if guys
have big bananas.

I do believe in soul mates.

I think that's, um, again,
that's probably why

I haven't found exactly
what I'm looking for yet.

Uh, cause I feel like
when it happens,
it's gonna be like...

[makes exploding sound]

And in a woman?
A... girl?

A woman? A woman...

I... I have to say,
she'll have to be very young.

Um...

Find this wonderful girl,
her name's Trish,

or something
beautiful like that,

and, and she's, you know,
black hair, raven.

And then you get there and she
doesn't have any teeth

or no arms and she's really fat.

I don't like ethnic guys.

Not to be racist or anything,

but psychologically they say
we like people
that look like ourselves.

So, technically,
I'm not racist. [chuckles]

I just like people
that look like me.

Um, so,
I'm still a nice person.
[chuckles]

Yeah, I have been cheated on
and guess who, knock knock,
who's there?

I've cheated on people.
So eat a dick on that one.

Cause it goes both ways.

[as dummy] What is your
favorite sexual position?

[as himself]
That's awful forward, Woody.

Yeah, I liked to get spanked.
Hard.

There's some things
I do not do, okay!

[speaking foreign language]

I do not fuck in the butt!

I, personally, feel like we
would have gotten here sooner

had it not been for the whole
online dating thing probably.

- Probably.
- Yeah.

You're right.
That's a good point.

- But...
- Derailed a little bit.

- We're together now...
- Yes.

- ...and we're happy.
- We are.

Okay. That's enough.

Ow... Be happy.

- Let me make you happy.
- I'm so happy!

- Let me make you happy.
- I'm so happy!

[muffled talking]

Tell the people
how happy you are!