Castle in the Air (1952) - full transcript

[MUSIC PLAYING]

NARRATOR: Yes, there
it it, Locharne Castle,

the Earl of Locharne's
uncomfortable seat.

The Earl and the castle have
more in common than the name--

the moat is overgrown,
and the Earl is overdrawn;

the pipes, like the Earl,
are bust; in the olden days,

the neighboring clansmen may
have attacked with claymores,

but nowadays, it's
the neighboring

tradesmen who attack with ritz.

-Where's the Earl?

-Oh, you're unlucky.



He's not here today.

-Maybe now, but we're here
to see him just the same.

-You can't come barging in here
like the wind up our gully.

-That's enough from you.

We're here to see the Earl.

-But--

-And we're not leaving
until we get our money.

-As soon as he comes back, I'll
get him to send you a check.

-Which the bank
will also send back.

This time, it's cash we want.

-It's near on three years since
I've had a penny [INAUDIBLE]

for the past six.

And all that time,
he's had the brass neck

to expect me to
keep him supplied



with all the whiskey he wants.

-Don't lean on that chair.

It's got a shookley leg.

-Unless he settles today,
we'll put the bailiffs in.

[CLATTER]

-You mean to say you'd have him
turned out of his own castle?

-You mean his creditor's castle.

-Hah, for what it's worth.

-We'll be well rid of him.

-Hah.

-I'd like to kick him
from here to England.

-He's too bad even for England.

-What base talk is this?

You traitors.

-Traitors?

-Traitors.

Fools and idiots.

John Gilroy Locharne,
19th Earl, of whom

you speak so treacherously,
is the rightful King

of Scotland by direct
lineal descent.

And you miserable creatures
come here to threaten him

and to plot against him.

-We've only come for our money.

-You would betray him for gold.

Renegades.

May the blood of [INAUDIBLE]
pour down on your heads.

Be gone.

Be off. [INAUDIBLE]
before I lay you low.

-Well done, Miss Nicholson.

-I only did my duty as one
of your royal subjects to be.

-And very effectively.

A message to remember, Menzies.

-For many years now,
I've delved deeply

into the archives of Scotland.

It has been my life's work.

At last, I'm poised on
the brink of success.

'Ere long now, to the triumphant
sound of silver trumpets.

With you at the head
of an avenue of banners

on a black charger, I shall
proudly witness the ceremony

when you are
proclaimed sovereign.

-Yes, well at the moment, I'd
settle for half a sovereign.

Menzies, get a step ladder,
a hammer, and nails round

to the front door
right away, will you?

-OK.

-If you will give me an
audience after breakfast,

I'll bring you genealogical
charts which will incontestably

prove--

-You're wasting
your time, Madam.

Please just agree that
my mission in life

shall be that of a rural
boarding house landlady.

-Boss, these signs I
paged the other day,

they've got to go out now.

We've got to get some money
from somewhere, somehow.

Paying guests is not enough.

-Well, the first thing is to
find more ways of economizing.

Menzies will have to go.

-Well, it'll mean a lot more
extra work for you, doesn't it?

-It'll save me running
around after him

to make sure he's done his work.

-You're a remarkable
woman, Boss.

Don't know what
I'd do without you.

MISS NICHOLSON (OFFSCREEN):
When do I get my breakfast?

-Coming.

MISS NICHOLSON (OFFSCREEN):
Oh come along, I'm hungry.

What's the cereal?

Crispy Flakes or Toasty Wheats?

-Corny Crunch.

-You know, I never
touch Corny Crunch.

Does things to my-- Change it.

-Now, this is where we
reach an all-time low.

-It's [INAUDIBLE] today, sir.

I was wondering would
you want anything on?

I hear [INAUDIBLE] cans
are snipped for the 230.

-No thanks.

Your last snip went down but
it was my money you lost.

Menzies, you haven't got such
a thing as a smoke, have you?

How do you manage to afford
such expensive cigarettes?

-Well, I can't, but your
lodger Mr. Blair can.

Take a fistful.

-No, I can't, Menzies.

-But go on.

There's plenty more
where these come from.

-You know, I have a feeling
we're going to miss you,

Menzies.

-Miss me?

-And I understand Dr. Anderson
has offered you a job.

-Uh huh.

-Four pounds a week.

-Four ten, and my stamps.

-Much more than you get here.

-I know.

-And you get it, which
is more than you do here.

-I know.

-Well, you're going to
take it, aren't you?

-Here, are you trying
to give me my notice?

-Yes.

-Well just you stop that.

I don't like it.

-Oh Menzies, come and take
out Miss Nicholson's tray.

In my present mood, she's the
one who's going to get crowned.

-OK.

-Oh Menzies, if the old
hag wants to see me,

tell her I plead the
Catering Wages Act, will you?

-Oh Menzies, I'm terribly sorry
about this, but Saturday week.

-What's on then?

-You're leaving.

-Oh, [INAUDIBLE]
I wish you'd all

stop gnatting on
about me leaving.

I've just told the Earl
I'm fine where I am.

-You know as well as I do,
the earl can't afford you.

-I also know he
can't afford to buy

the stamps to bring
my card up to date.

And supposing I do go.
[INAUDIBLE] and who would cook?

-Oh we'd cope.

-Well, [INAUDIBLE]
coming in for three hours

twice a week when
just you expect him.

A fat lot of coping it would be.

-Good morning, Mrs. Thompson.

-They ought to put out
a statue to that woman.

-Oh?

Why?

-She never talks.

-Menzies, you know the
situation as well as I do.

I honestly don't
think you can stay.

-Are there no more
lodges booked?

-I wish you wouldn't
call them lodges.

They are lodges, but there's
no need to call them lodges.

No, there aren't.

-Well here, let's
get this straight.

Four lodges at 10
guineas a week,

now that's 42 quid a week.

-Do you realize what it costs
the Earl to run this place?

He pays out more than
that in wages alone.

-You interest me.

-Why?

Didn't you get yours last week?

-No.

-The week before?

-The week before you
might call a gesture.

Two pounds of a
count on a Friday.

-Well that's something.

-He borrowed three from
me on the Saturday.

-Well that's why you should
stop being so big-headed

and go and work for Dr.Anderson.

-I've told you, I'm
fine where I am.

-It's coming to do a
pretty pass in this country

when an employee
refuses to accept notice

when it's given to him.

-When it comes to that, why
do you not clear out yourself?

[SINGS]

-Things certainly are grim.

-Well the great thing is not
to lose our sense of humor.

-Oh, Miss Trent, I'd like to
speak to you for a moment.

Oh, Miss Trent, I'm sorry,
but it's that cistern.

I haven't got a wink of
sleep since I came here.

When it's not going
rumble, rumble, rumble,

it's going poggle, poggle,
poggle the whole night.

-And how do you expect it to go?

Tan tivvy, tan tivvy, tan tivvy?

-If you can have my
bill by lunchtime,

I'll be catching
the afternoon train.

-Miss Miller complaining
about the cistern.

-What about it?

-It rumbled.

-Fair enough, so
does Miss Miller.

-She said she's leaving today.

-There goes 10 guineas.

-Oh, come in.

Oh, put it down somewhere.

Not on the charts.

Mind the tree.

Is this haddock?

-Egg.

What's this?

-It's a genealogical tree.

-A what?

-A genealogical tree.

Now look, you'll see it
has its roots in antiquity.

-OK, don't bother.

I can see it'd take a
long time to explain.

What's that hole in it?

-Well, that [INAUDIBLE]
where an entire branch

was chopped off at some time.

-During the fuel
cuts [INAUDIBLE]?

-Nevertheless, intensive
collateral research

has indicated that whatever
happened to that branch,

it never flourished.

When this parchment
is revealed, it

will launch the
greatest [INAUDIBLE]

in Scottish history.

For because of what
it proves, your master

will soon be enthroned
in Holyrood as King John.

-With things going
the way they are,

he'll soon be enthroned at
Aberdeen Jail, as convict 99.

-Hey, Locharne.

Where's Locharne?

-The Earl is at breakfast.

-He was outside just now.

I saw him.

-Is there anything I can do?

-My sheets are damp.

-They were dry enough
when I put them on.

-Argh.

Now Locharne, I want
a word with you.

-Now look, Mr. Blair, I don't
mind making polite conversation

with the lodges at feeding time.

-I'm not here to make
polite conversation.

-I don't even mind playing clock
golf with you despite the fact

that you develop a
hacking cough whenever

your opponent is about to putt.
-What?

What's that?

-But as far as the
guests are concerned,

there is one room that's out
of bounds, and this is it.

Even the landlady is entitled
to her quiet moments.

-As far as I'm
concerned, you can

have an eternity
of quiet moments.

I'm leaving on the
afternoon train.

-Good morning.

[INAUDIBLE] [INAUDIBLE]
I'd have been all right,

but I-- thank you-- [MUTTERING]

-Bang goes another 10 guineas,
not to mention the cigarettes.

Thank you, Boss.

What?

No egg?

-No egg.

-Aren't we laying?

-In company with Miss Nicholson,
Miss Miller, Mrs. Thompson,

and Mr. Blair, the hens
are feeling the cold.

-Well, they've got fires in
their rooms, haven't they?

They're lodges, [INAUDIBLE] them
in fact, they said therefore

since the first round of
matches connector text

I believe you pay close
attention to I also the failure

-Now just you stop that.

-Of course you'll receive
adequate compensation.

-There's a party to
be showing round, sir.

About 30 bob's worth.

-Just a minute, Menzies.

Excuse me one moment,
Mr. Phillips, will you?

-Welcome, ladies and
gentleman to Locharne castle.

Around which it
will be my pleasure

to conduct you at your own risk.

Charge is two and six a head,
which I shall now collect,

will go towards providing my
father, the 18th earl, a more

comfortable grave
in which to turn.

-Hah, hah, hah.

-Half price only on Fridays.

-You might like to
join the party that's

being shown over the castle.

-Thank you, I'd
like that better.

-Thank you.

-Oh, Mr. Phillips would
like to one of the party.

-Oh, I'm sure he'll be
life and soul of it.

Half a crown, please.

-Half a crown?

-For the earls' welfare.

-All goes down to expenses.

-Did you make it yourself?

We're now in the great hall.

The portraits you see on the
wall are those of my ancestors.

And the one on the extreme
left here is the third earl.

And judging by the amount of
loot he brought back home,

he was one of the most
successful crusaders

ever to be posted overseas.

[BELL RINGING]

-Yes.

I'm Mrs. Dunne.

-Dunne?

-Right.

-Not Mrs. J Clodfelter Dunne?

-Quite.

-Of Denver, Colorado?

-Right again.

Can I come in?

-Why certainly.

-OK for the chauffeur
to bring in the baggage?

-Yes.

Yes, of course.

-It's a long time since
we heard from you.

-I decided to stop writing
to you about the castle

and come and see it for myself.

-You're still thinking
of buying it then.

-That's why I'm here.

-Is the earl around?

-The earl-- I'll
just go and see.

Make yourself comfortable.

-Well take your time.

Oh.

Are you a-- a relation?

-No, I'm employed here.

-Oh.

One of the hired help.

-That's right

-That's the 14th earl.

One of the staunchest supporters
of an [INAUDIBLE] Prince

Charlie.

-Looks like David Niven to me.

-Isn't it perishing
cold in this place?

--Compared with Locharne,
for comfort and convenience

the average jail is a palace.

-Well, well, well.

Do you wish to join the party?

-Delighted.

-Come along up, will you?

-Make way, ladies and gentlemen.

My dear lady.

Come along, everybody.

This way.

American?

-Right.

-Good show.

Excuse me one moment.

Now are we all here?

Good.

Now the first thing
that will strike you

about Locharne castle is the
appalling state of disrepair

the place has fallen into.

And this is due not only
to the ravages of time,

but also to my forebears'
fondness for wine

and what goes with it.

Not to mention the insatiable
demands of the tax collectors.

Dry rot about.

You see that, Mr. Phillips?

All the ceilings are liable
to fall in at any moment.

Take a look at this one here.

-Easily put right.

-That's what you think.

You should see the report of the
architect I called in recently.

So sorry, Mr. Phillips,
but you've been warned.

-I know an American.

-You don't say?

-I don't exactly know her.

We've been corresponding.

Her name's Dunne.

-Is that so?

-Yes, Mrs. J. Clodfelter Dunne.

Imagine going through life
with a name like Clodfelter.

-Imagine.

-And she claims to be a
descendant of my family, which

proves that she's a crackpot.

We'll go this way.

-You don't know
what she looks like?

-Oh, well preserved, '60s,
blue-rinse, outside bust,

shops by post at Macy's.

This way.

Ermyntrude?

Ermyntrude?

Are you there?

[GHOST SOUNDS]

-Oh good.

Now listen.

The earl's in terrible trouble.

But if you respond to him as
you were of his grandfather,

but you can help, eh?

[GHOST SOUNDS]

-Oooh, goody goody.

-Now behind this wall
is a sealed-up dungeon

where Alexander the [INAUDIBLE]
had his wife's tongue cut out.

I understand he lived
happily ever after.

[INAUDIBLE]

-Now you can't mistake the goat.

He's got striped trousers,
a face like a rabbit,

and the air of a man
who's drunk with power.

[GHOST SOUNDS]

-Now most castles
host a haunted room.

Well, this one is
haunted all over.

Well, I have a room where,
she so to speak, hangs out.

-Ooh, I wouldn't like
to be here after dark.

-Yes, well actually our
ghost works a 24 hour day.

-Do you mean to say you
can see it in the day time?

-Oh yes.

She hasn't been unionized yet.

Poor thing.

Hah, hah, hah.

-What's this?

-You that's been in the
family since 1696-- to 1952.

Now, Phillips, I want you
to look at the ceiling here.

I think you'll find
this exhilarating.

Poor old Phillips,
I'm so sorry, but you

seem determined to learn
the hard way that you're

wasting your time with Locharne.

[GHOST SOUNDS]

-Sorry to disturb you,
Ermyntrude, but needs must,

you know.

You going to faint?

-I guess not.

-Pity.

-Let's get out of here.

-On the double.

-Women and children first.

-Straight ahead,
ladies and gentlemen.

Mind how you go.

[THUD]

-Ow!

[GROANING]

-Thank you, Ermyntrude.

You've done splendidly.

-And so we say farewell
to ancient Locharne

as the noon day sun flags
its historic walls with gold.

Rather good, don't you think?

That reminds me.

Gratuities of service
greatly received.

-Look!

-A mouse!

-Oh, yes.

The place is infested with them.

[SCREAMING]

-Well, now Mr. Phillips, I take
it you'll be catching the 3:30?

-Not at all.

-You're not still
thinking of requisitioning

Locharne are you?

-Certainly.

-But my dear misguided
old coal merchant,

you've seen the state
the place is in.

Why the only thing that's
holding it up is the ivy.

-It can soon be put right.

-I beg of you, Mr. Phillips.

Please think of the
miners' welfare.

You don't want to see
Locharne in the winter.

It's very cold.

[GHOST SOUNDS]

-Do you know it's so cold
that she haunts in a muffler?

-Nevertheless,
I've quite decided

to remain here for a day or two.

-The terms are 15
guineas a week.

-50 all right.

All goes down to expenses.

-No wonder coal's
the price it is.

Menzies?

-Sir?

-Show this gentleman into
the MacDuff room, will you?

-Is that the room that's
supposed to be haunted?

-Not yet.

-This way, sir.

-Well, well.

I thought you too had
fled from the mice.

-Me?

Run from mice?

-You're not in a hurry I hope.

-No.

I can afford to spend
as much time as I need.

Who's he?

-Ninth earl, hanged
for sheep-stealing.

-And him?

-Hamish, the fifth earl,
killed in the lowlands.

-By the enemy?

-No, a drink.

That reminds me.

What about a little drink and
a chat in the library, eh?

-I have a room ready
for you, if you'd

like to come and
register, Mrs. Dunne.

-I'll be right with you.

-Dunne?

-Mm-hm.

-Mrs. Dunne?

-Why, yes.

In full Mrs. James
Clodfelter Dunne.

-Mrs. Dunne wants
some iced water.

-Ach, these foreigners.

They're all the same with
their fancy carry-ons.

Besides, we haven't got any.

-Hold your goat now.

There was an inch to a half
ice in the horse trough

this morning.

Go and get it with your toe.

-I'll take a coffee
up if it's ready.

[BELL RINGING]

-OK, it's [INAUDIBLE].

-Oh, Menzies, fill
the vases, will you?

The laird ordered flowers.

-I've lit a fire in her room.

And MacGregor's taking
up some more logs.

-Good.

-It'll have to be
salmon for dinner.

-The salmon fishing
season's over.

-There's no need to
be technical, Jesse.

[BELL RINGING]

[WIND BLOWING]

[SHIVERING] [MUMBLING]

[BELL RINGING]

-It's her?

-I'll see what she wants.

-Don't worry.

I'll go.

[KNOCKING ON DOOR]

-In.

By earl, I didn't mean
you should come yourself.

-For me?

-No, the valet.

And these.

-Thank you.

-Well, I guess
that's all right now.

There is a valet, isn't there?

-Well it's the same man who
does the silver actually.

-I guess the help
you need to run

an outfit this must
take some finding.

-Yes, I doubt you'd
find them if you

searched the entire building.

I say.

That's very pretty.

-Sapphires and diamonds.

-Really?

I do hope you're going
to be comfortable here.

-Well, thanks.

I just hope that four poster
doesn't give me nightmares

though.

I had enough of them
when I was with Jimmy.

-Jimmy?

-My ex-husband.

-Ex?

-Yeah.

I divorced him a
couple of years ago.

He got a little tired of
my Scottish ancestors.

He said my family went
back no further than some

Latter-day saints in Utah.

But then, he never had an
appreciation for the romantic.

-So you find Locharne
romantic, eh?

-Very.

-Well, perhaps you'd like me
to show you around after lunch.

-I'd love it.

-We might even take a gun out.

Do you do any
shooting in Colorado?

-Mostly craps.

-Good show.

-You know, you're not
a bit like I expected.

-Oh really?

--No.

I thought you've be about
80 with a purple face

and a big white moustache.

Are you married?

-Good heavens no.

-You surprise me.

-Well I can't even
keep my-- I'll probably

have a crack at it
one day I suppose.

-We'll have a drink
to that before lunch.

Shall we?

-Splendid.

Yes, Splendid.

-When do we raise the standard?

-Of what?

-The Jacobite standard.

Rally the clan!

[INAUDIBLE]

Light the fiery cross
ablaze from [INAUDIBLE]

to [INAUDIBLE].

I feel a positive
reincarnation of [INAUDIBLE].

What's for lunch?

-Mince.

-Oh.

Now no turning back.

Remember the 45.

Press on!

-I'm about to do so.

-Since when have you
been a lady's maid?

-Since the arrival a lady from
America who may buy Locharne.

She's gonna get service.

God bless America, and
especially martial aid.

I tell you, boss.

If Mrs. J. Clodfelter
does the deal,

then rot old man Phillips
and the entire coal board.

-Aren't you going to find
it a little awkward having

them both here at the same time?

-Why?

-Well correct me if
I'm wrong, but you've

been giving Mr. Phillips the
impression that Locharne's

practically unfit
for human habitation.

Now you want to
convince Mrs. Dunne

it's the castle of her dreams.
-You leave that to me.

I don't think Phillips
will be with us very long.

[WIND HOWLING]

-Ow.

-Tell me boss.

How do I press these?

Up the front or down the seams?

-I shouldn't be too
sure about Mr. Phillips.

-You wait.

One night in the
MacDuff room and he'll

be asking what time the milk
train leaves in the morning.

Why that room
hasn't been slept in

since Queen Victoria came
over for a good laugh

at the west wing.

-If you're going to keep
up the pretense of running

the regent palace
of the northeast

you're going to look
mighty short of guests.

Especially now that Mr. Blair
and Ms. Miller have gone.

-Don't you be so
sure they have gone.

-Well they left to catch
the 3:30 from Aberdeen.

-But it doesn't
necessarily follow

that they're going
to catch it, does it?

-Where's that
[INAUDIBLE] of Locharne?

-I'll fetch your
bags in for you.

Thanks, [INAUDIBLE].

-Hey, Locharne!

Locharne!

-Now what?

--Where the-- where
the blazes are you?

-Oh.

I thought you were catching
the afternoon train.

-Well so did we.

The car broke down.

Just gave up the ghost.

[INAUDIBLE] had to tow us back.

-I have an idea that
this is a put-up job.

-I thought I'd escaped
from that dreadful system.

-Menzies, the system.

-Don't follow me, madam.

I'm going to have a good swear.

And when I start, I can
go on for 20 minutes

without repeating myself.

-Well done, Menzies.

Remind me to pay your some
of the money I owe you.

-We'll be needing a salmon
for the night, Menzies.

-Yes, well what about taking
Mr. Phillips with you, eh?

-What would I want
to take him for?

-I thought you might
drop him in the drink.

-What do you shoot around here?

-My neighbor's
grouse and creditors

if they come in range.

[DOG BARKING]

-Tell me, this Mr. Phillips,
is he really after Locharne?

-I'm afraid so.

-I just can't see him as a
great bug Scottish laird.

-Well, it's not for himself.

He's actually on behalf
of a-- a concern.

-Oh, what sort of a concern?

Business people?

-Not exactly.

They're in coal, you know.

-They own mines?

-They do now.

-Can they afford a
place like Locharne?

-Oh yes, ever since
they discovered

a way of painting slate
black, they've made a fortune.

[GUN SHOTS]

-I guess they took
evasive action.

-Oh no, you haven't reloaded.

-Which hole do you put them in?

-Allow me, will you?

[GUN SHOTS]

-Well gee, I didn't
hurt them, did I?

-What relation are
you to Annie Oakley?

-I'm not.

But my ex-husband once
worked in Chicago.

-He did?

-That was before
he became the Dunn

of Dunn's Denver Delicatessen.

My ex-husband controls
the largest chain

of delicatessen
stores in the south.

Or did.

-Did?

-Well, I have a 51% holding.

-Is this a nice size to
have, don't you think?

-Mm, I find it so.

He gave me 20% when
we got engaged.

Another 20% as a
wedding present.

And my attorney settled for
11% along with the alimony

when we got divorced.

He was so mad when he added
it up and finally came to 51,

he wouldn't even attend
the board meeting.

Arithmetic never was
Jimmy's strong suit.

-So you really are very rich.

-Well, I think
I'll be able to put

in a bid against Mr.
Phillips and his concern.

-Do you mind?

I'll go and help the dogs.

-OK.

You do that.

-Hey, you, Locharne.

-Hello, Major.

-What the devil do you
think you're doing, eh?

-Well, I--

-I've told you before,
this is private property.

-Just having a little
walk through, you know?

-Well, you keep to your
own blasted estate,

or what's left of it.

And I'll keep to mine.

[GUN SHOT] What was that?

-Uh, I didn't hear anything.

[GUN SHOT]

-Maybe you heard that?

-Eh, perhaps it's a little
backfiring on the road, Major.

MISS DUNNE (OFFSCREEN): Earl.

-Er, nice to see you, mate.

-Earl, you never told me
Locharne was an aviary.

You just can't miss.

-Run.

-What?

-Run.

-Well, you darn.

And if I catch
that fellow Menzies

on my stretch of the river
again, I'll have a [INAUDIBLE]

-What a waste.

-Blast.

[INAUDIBLE] Look.

-But I thought--

-Shh.

-But I thought one used the rod.

-Some folk might.

-Oh, there's your supper.

-Steady.

-Hey.

-Run.

-I beg your pardon?

Run, you gowk.

-Put down that fish,
you damn scoundrel.

-Are you addressing
me, my good man?

[GUN SHOT]

-Wait.

Come back here.

[INAUDIBLE]

I'll cover your
backside for you.

[GUN SHOT]

[GUN SHOT]

-Fine day, constable.

-Hi.

That's a bonny fish
you've got there.

-What's that?

-I said that's a bonny
fish you've got there.

-Oh this?

Oh yes, yes, extremely bonny.

-All right, it'll be
about an 18-pounder.

-As much as that?

-Oh, why, it'll grow
all of 18 pounds.

-Yes, I-- I
[INAUDIBLE] constable.

-What did you catch him with?

-What's that?

-I said what did
you catch him with?

-This thing here.
[INAUDIBLE] it goes, really.

-Name?

-Don't worry,
Phillips, old chap.

You leave the whole thing to me.

I'm on the bench.

You'll probably
only get seven days.

-Seven days?

[SNEEZE]

-Bless you.

Well, here's mud in your eye.

-Thank you.

I've got [INAUDIBLE]
on my trousers.

-Now look.

You nip upstairs and have a
nice hot bath before dinner.

-I'd like to have our business
discussion as soon as possible.

-Later, later.

You wouldn't like dinner
served in your room, would you?

Be no trouble to
have it sent over.

-And what would you use?

A St. Bernard?

[SNEEZES]

-Bless you.

Menzies.

Charge Phillips up with a half
a bottle of beer, will you?

By the way, you play
the pipes, don't you?

-Oh, well I wouldn't
go so far as to say--

-Mrs. Dunne was telling me
that she's looking forward

to the real Highland
atmosphere at dinner.

You know.

Pipers playing and so on.

-But I haven't played since
I was in the boys' brigade.

-Well, you've got
between now and 7:30

to brush up on Locharne's Lament
and make it good, will you?

Well now, Mrs. Dunne.

Hello, Mrs. Dunne.

You've seen all over the estate.

What do you think of Locharne?

-I think it stinks.

Well, I guess something
could be done with it.

But you had me a
little worried by what

you said about the
dry rot this morning.

-No, no.

That was for Phillips' benefit.

With the possible
exception of Ms. Miller,

there isn't a single piece
of dry rot in the place.

Beat it.

-What?

-Nothing.

No.

-And those drains
you spoke about?

-I assure you.

The drains are
perfectly all right.

They were put in
by the same people

who put the drains
in at Balmoral.

You've never heard of
them having trouble

with the drains over
there, have you?

-I guess not.

Hello there.

-Had a nice walk.

-We ran most of the way.

-Nothing happened while
you've been away, boss.

-Not a thing.

Apart from cleaning the
silver that you left

and washing up the
lunch things, helping

Ms. Miller with her
crossword puzzle,

and listening to Ms.
Nicholson's plans

for you to fight
Bannockburn all over again,

fending off
infuriated tradesmen,

and trying to squeeze
this putting course.

I found time lying
heavily on my hands.

-Never mind, boss.

We've got plenty of
grass for dinner.

-In that case,
will you excuse me?

I shall have to start plucking.

-She's crazy about
you, isn't she?

-Who?

Boss?

Good heavens no.

-She is.

Why not marry the gal?

If it doesn't work out, you
can always do what I did.

-What did you do?

-Went to Reno and sued
for mental cruelty.

Said my husband whistled in bed.

-And did he?

-That was my story
and I stuck to it.

-Yes. well over here we
stress the moral rather than

the musical side.

-[INAUDIBLE] Sire.

-I wish you wouldn't
keep bobbing

up and down like a yo-yo.

Ms. Nicholson you
haven't met Mrs. Dunne.

-Oh, how do you do?

-How do you do?

-One of the [INAUDIBLE] Dunnes?

-No.

-Ms. Nicholson is
absolutely convinced

that I'm the rightful
king of Scotland.

-And so you are.

-She'll probably
find that you're

directly descended
from Robert the Bruce.

-On his father's side, I guess.

-Oh, so you're a student
of Scottish history?

How interesting.

I've given my life to it.

As a girl, I had a
momentous decision to make--

should my career by
mountaineering, falconry

or history?

I was equally proficient
in all three subjects,

but I chose history, which
was fortunate indeed, sire,

for you--

-Oh, indeed.

-For Scotland.

-And my ancestors were Scottish.

-Were they really now?

-Sure.

Way back, they were Locharnes.

-Which side?

The Locharne Locharnes or
the [INAUDIBLE] Locharnes?

-I wouldn't know.

One of them was accused of
being a traitor to the Jacobite

cause.

-Oh, Mrs. Dunne, Jacobite.

-Anyway, he escaped
to New England

dressed up as a chambermaid.

He was supposed to have
murdered a nun in Inverness.

-It was the non-conformist
branch of the family,

obviously.

-That that's probably
Black Locharne, 1706- 1772.

He was the sole issue of the
12th earl and Janet Kenfinnen.

On the wrong side of the bank.

-No need to go into
all that, is there?

-Oh but it's
absorbingly interesting.

We must look you up
in the family album.

-I wish you would.

I have a special
reason for wanting

to be sure I really
am a Locharne.

-Ah, you leave that to me.

If I haven't your lineal
ancestry traced back

to the reign of king Malcolm
the first before dinner,

my name isn't Veronica
[INAUDIBLE] Nicholson.

-It isn't?

-Certainly.

What's for dinner?

-The salmon.

-Boiled or grilled?

-Poached.

-Before anyone
starts paying homage,

would you mind paying
a little attention

to the Brussels sprouts?

I'm going to have to change.

[WIND HOWLING]

-Oh.

[BUMP]

-Oh.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

[CLATTERING]

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

[PIPES__RATTLING]

[WATER SPLASHING]

[KNOCKS ON DOOR]

(SINGING) Sometimes
it's a fairy tale

that makes a dream come true.

December's gray can turn
to May, and the world

just seems to smile at you.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

(SINGING) When spring
seems to be dawning,

And you sing every
morning, and it

seems you're walking
on the ceiling,

you've got the feeling,
there goes your heart.

She's [INAUDIBLE] above
you, as the breeze whispers

I love you, when you're
plucking petals from a daisy

and dreams are crazy,
there goes your heart.

And when you're frolicking
head over heels, the thrill

it would be, how
lovely it feels.

And then you find
you're singing a song,

and swinging along in a dream.

for love changes the weather,
when love brings you together,

and you never find
yourself complaining,

because it's raining
heaven's above.

There goes your heart
and you're in love.

-Hi.

How's the jailbird?

-I'm looking for Locharne.

-This is it.

-I mean the earl.

-Oh, he was in the bathroom.

-Having a bath?

-I wouldn't care to
commit myself on that.

He was in the bathroom.

He was singing and
I heard splashing.

I've no definite proof but
it also seems to add up.

-I ask because I wish to
inquire about the hot water.

-What about it?

-There isn't any.

-Oh?

Menzies boiled some kettles
to take the chill off mine.

-It isn't a question of
taking the chill off.

There is none.

-Why couldn't find
you find a bathroom?

A bathroom?

-Well I found a room
with a bath in it.

-Well, I'm sorry I
couldn't find any water.

But I bet you could use a drink.

Do you think if you rang that
bell, someone would bring us

one?

-I doubt it.

-Quite a place, isn't it?

-Certainly is.

-My ex-husband was right.

He always said I was a
sucker for the romantic.

-You find Locharne
romantic do you?

-I think he's a honey.

-This time I was
referring to the castle.

-What's that?

-A bell.

-What are you doing with it?

-It came away.

-Mr. Phillips you just don't
know your own strength.

-Nonsense.

The whole place is
falling to pieces.

-But the earl told me you
were thinking of taking it.

-I am.

-Is that so?

-Why are you?

-Yup.

-Really?

-Of course the place needs
a lot of money spent on it.

I'd say around a quarter
of a million dollars.

-It would be immoral
to spend anything

like a quarter of
a million dollars

on this property for the
benefit of one individual.

-You a socialist?

-Yes, I am.

-I'm sorry, I had no idea.

You looks so respectable.

-Good evening, Mrs. Dunne.

-Good evening.

-Who's been mucking
about with the ornaments?

-Oh, I have, I'm afraid.

-Oh, that's all right then.

Could you go a wee
dram, Mrs. Dunne?

-Wiser good, Menzies, thanks.

-What's that?

-Bell.

-And what are you
doing with the bell?

-Came away.

-Well, I'll be charging
you bill, mind?

Now, Mrs. Dunne, gin
and French or scotch?

I recommend the scotch.

-Why?

-The French is British.

-Then I'll have scotch.

A small one, please, Menzies.

What's the matter?

-If all these Atlantic
pacts are to go through,

you yanks will have to learn
to speak the king's English.

And Menzies is
pronounced "Mingis."

-Why?

-Well, don't ask me.

It just is.

-In that case, why aren't
McKenzies pronounced McKingies?

-Menzies, Mr. Phillips is having
a little trouble with his bath.

-Did you not get your towel?

-Yes, thank you very much.

But up till now it
hasn't been much use.

-Why not?

-There's not hot water.

-Oh no.

You see if somebody's having a
bath on yon side of the castle,

the water doesn't
run over your way.

-I think Mr. Phillips would
like a drink, please, Menzies.

-Gin and French.

And I'd like a little whiskey
if you don't mine, mind.

-Don't drown it.

Thank you.

-Will you pay for it now, or
will it put done on your bill?

-What on earth's that thing?

-It's a claymore.

I'm taking with me to Aberdeen
to show the Jacobites.

It was used by the ninth earl
at the battle of Sherriffmuir.

Perhaps, who knows, while Rob
Roy was changing his bricks.

And used, judging by
the state of the blade,

to considerable effect.

Look.

-Don't be daft.

That wasn't the ninth earl.

That's Jesse.

She uses it twice a
week to chop sticks.

Gin and French?

-Yes, please.

-Mrs. Dunne, great news.

The connecting link
between Locharne Locharnes

and the American
limb of the clan

is as plain as the node
on Mr. Phillips's face.

Plainer.

-You mean I am a Locharne?

-Incontestably.

I've got the whole thing here.

I'll show you at dinner.

Thanks.

Slainte!

-Slainte.

-I understand that you represent
the government department.

-The coal board, madam.

-And that your activities
extend to Scotland.

-Oh yes.

Indeed.

-Well, they won't
very much longer.

-My!

-Anything wrong.

-Why no.

It's just that you look
like a million dollars.

-Yes, well at the
moment I prefer

to look half a million dollars,
but thanks all the same.

-What's that you've got?

-Family album.

Before becoming
one of the family,

I thought you'd want to
see what we look like.

-I am one of the family.

Ms. Nicholson's just
checked up on me.

-Yes, with one look
at this rogues gallery

you'll probably want
to keep it quiet.

-Shall we sit?

-If I can.

Haven't worn this one since
the Braemar gathering of 1939.

-That's you.

-How do you know?

-It's very like you.

-What?

You've never seen me lying
stark naked on a bearskin rug.

[GASP]

-John 18-- 1800 what?

-1800 and nothing.

18 months.

My age when the
picture was taken.

-John.

You know, I like the name John.

-What's yours?

-Imelda.

-Imelda?

Charming.

-Oh, are you having a
good laugh at the relics?

Did you see that picture
there with Ms. Trent

winning the three-legged
race at barrister sports?

That's the best one
in the whole book.

I took it myself.

-You know, I can't get
over a nice guy like you

not being married.

-Bothers you, does it?

-Well, it sure does.

What a waste of manpower.

-Anything to please you, Imelda,
I'll start looking around.

-Well, you don't have
far to look, surely.

-I just heard something very
interesting about the Russian.

-What a beautiful dress.

-Do you like it?

-Oh, I think it's wonderful.

I saw one just like it
in a fashion magazine

before I left home.

Was it Dior?

-No.

Quite inexpensive.

-A little woman in the
village ran it up for me.

You've been browsing
through the relics?

-Yes.

I was just about to tell
John when you came in.

-Tell whom?

-The earl.

-Oh?

-I've finally decided.

I'm going to buy Locharne.

-What?

-I'm going to buy Locharne.

[GONG BEING RUNG]

-Dinner.

-Thank you, Menzies.

Oh and Mr. Blair, will you take
Ms. Nicholson and Ms. Miller

in please?

[INAUDIBLE] Oh, never mind.

-And boss, would you
take in Mr. Phillips?

-Certainly.

You're taking in
Mrs. Dunne, are you?

-Ah, Mrs. Thompson, you
haven't met Mrs. Dunne--

-Happy to know you.

-And Mr. Phillips.

How are you this evening?

-Very sad about Mrs. Thompson.

She hasn't said a word
since her parrot died.

-We say grace.

-Oh.

So sorry.

Beg your pardon.

-Please, Menzies.

-Some here meet, and cannae eat.

And some would eat, but want it.

But we here meet, and we can
eat, and say the lord, bethank

it.

-That's cute.

-That's rather Dunne's, ma'am.

-Thank you, Menzies.

-OK, you can start now.

-If you dish out that
salmon before I'm through

with Locharne's
lament, I'll melt you.

-Oh, see clash my
cleaver on a carry-on.

-Hey, who's the
dirty old viking?

-That's my father.

-Oh.

-What's that he's
holding in his lap?

A Pekingese?

-No, that's his sporran.

Very comforting in cold weather.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

-Locharne's Lament.

A tune that never fails
to make my flesh tingle.

Don't you agree, Mr. Phillips?

-My flesh has been tingling
ever since I arrived here.

May I offer you the-- [GASP]

-Do you mean you keep a piper
especially to play at dinner?

-Oh, that's nothing.

My father, the dirty
old viking, used

to have the Aberdeen
Philharmonic

up there on special occasions.

They must have played for love.

[BAGPIPE RECORD SKIPPING]

-Did you not get the cucumber?

-No, I did not.

Cucumber indeed.

You'd think the moderator
of the church of Scotland

were here for his dinner.

-Another crack like
that and you'll

no be here to see the
end of this banquet.

-Oh, away.

-And now Mrs. Dunne,
your ancestry.

-You mind, Mr. Blair?

-Yeah, but the
chart's in the butter.

-Thank you.

Now here we are.

Hamish Locharne of
Locharne, 1712- 1768,

that did flee the
wroth of the Jacobites,

and after many bloody--
many bonne fetes

-What are bonne fetes?

-Rough houses.

Took shippy for the
Americas and there abode.

God rest his soul.

That's a boy.

Took shippy for the Americas.

-What about the other brother?

-Yes, the one who broke into
a girls' boarding school.

-They're all here,
plain as a pikestaff.

Angus Locharne of Locharne.

He was of course
Locharne the Black

that did commit bloody
murder in Inverness,

and escaped the gallows in
the petticoats of a common--

-Very interesting.

Go on.

Go on.

-And did join with
the brother Hamish

and thereafter left
his kinsmen in peace.

-And you mean they
really were my ancestors?

-Indisputably.

They're sons, oh
whom there appears

to be an unnecessarily large
number, moved south to Arizona,

and carried on the
Locharne family tradition

by becoming cattle rustlers.

-Well, I feel very proud.

-You, Mrs. Dunne are
a direct descendant

of Hector Gilroy
Locharne who was lynched

by an infuriated mob in
Dallas, Texas in 1864.

-That was just before my time.

-But that's wonderful.

-I think a toast.

To the latest and
loveliest Locharne.

"Here's tae us, wha's like us?

Damn few and they're a'deid."

-Oh, Bobby Burns again.

-Robert Burns, ma'am.

-No, no.

It's an old Scottish toast.

translated roughly into your
language it means-- get hip,

who's on the level?

Hell of a few and
they're all stiffs.

Imelda.

-Mrs. Dunne

-Mrs. Dunne.

-Well, I guess settles it.

-I wouldn't let Locharne
slip through my fingers now.

Not for all the coal salesmen--

-Would you like a little
more salmon, Mr. Phillips?

-No, thank you.

-Mrs. Dunne's buying the castle.

-Oh, I told you
she would like it.

Here.

-Your whiskers.

-Oh.

-Ms. Nicholson
you've no idea what

a kick I'm going
to get out of this.

-I think, sir, before Mrs. Dunne
makes any more definite plans,

we have a little
business to discuss.

-What was that?

-I said--

[BAGPIPES]

-What was that, Mr. Phillips?

-I said we have a little
business to discuss.

-MacGregor!

-I may have to leave you
all early in the morning

-Oh no.

Must you go, Mr. Phillips?

-MacTaylor!

-I'd like to get everything
settled after dinner.

-Yeah, well, I
think everything's

pretty well settled now.

Eh, Imelda?

-MacDonald!

Imelda.

-Uh-Huh?

-If I can stall Phillips
until the morning,

what about nipping into Aberdeen
tonight seeing my solicitor,

and getting the whole
thing fixed up right away.

-Well, wonderful.

Let's go.

And let's take our time, huh?

Menzies.

-Sir?

-Have you been listening?

-Me, sir?

-Now look, Menzies.

Mrs. Dunne and I are
going into Aberdeen.

Uh, ring Duncan's right away
and order a car, will you?

-OK.

Is he to wait and
bring you back or not?

-If you mean what
I think you mean,

can you imagine me doing
anything like that?

-Yes.

-Where's Ms. Nicholson?

-Gone to Aberdeen to raise
the Jacobite standard.

-Black or white?

-Black, please.

No sugar.

And Ms. Miller?

-I think she's reading up on
systems in a plumbing manual?

-Thanks.

Why does the earl
called you boss?

-I suppose he thinks I boss him.

I don't.

-Will you mind leaving Locharne?

-Well, It's funny.

We've laughed and joked
about this place for so long.

-But?

-I have a feeling when I
leave it for the last time,

I'll very probably product cry.

-Then why leave?

I'm going to need someone
around to help run the place.

It Obviously ought to be you.

-No, thank you.

I think when the
earl goes I shall go.

-You mean you'll be
going with the earl.

-If he wants me to.

-I guess you think I'm a
pretty interfering woman.

Maybe what I'm going to say
will confirm that opinion.

If I were you, I wouldn't
bank too much on the earl.

-Is there an American
meaning to the word

bank, which we don't over here?

-You're in love
with him aren't you?

-Yes.

-Is he in love with you?

-No.

-This is none of my business,
but I think you'll have to face

the possibility that when you
leave this place for the last

time, you may be leaving not
only Locharne place but also--

-Thank you.

I am facing that.

-There's one other thing
you're going to have to face.

-Oh, what's that.

-I've got a bankroll, but
right now I'm minus a husband.

-Bless you.

What about a spot of brandy.

-Thank you.

-The car's here.

-Thank you, Menzies.

-It's not the dean though.

That's away at a funeral.

It's the wee [INAUDIBLE].

-What you want a car for?

-Just a spot of business.

I'm taking Imelda into Aberdeen.

-Really?

-There you are, Phillips.

There a boy.

Down the hatch.

You're beginning to
look a little bit blue.

Can't have you going around
the wrong color, old man.

People might think you've
gone over to the right.

-I'll go get my wrap.

-Now boss--

-Did you get your business
satisfactorily settled,

Mr. Phillips?

-I thought it would be
best to sleep on it.

-Sleep on it?

I see.

[SNEEZES]

-Bless you.

-I'm sorry.

Beg your pardon.

-And that, Mrs. Dunne, is that.

-You mean it's mine?

-Including the ghost.

Who will probably
die of suffocation,

when you install
the central heating.

[LAUGHTER]

-A bargain if ever
there was one.

[INAUDIBLE] We had a man last
year offering twice as much

for the property.

Wanted to turn it
into an asylum.

-Where was he from?

-An asylum.

-Thanks a lot.

-Thank you very much.

-I think on this auspicious
occasion-- oh, dear, dear,

dear.

Never mind.

I'll get another bottle from
the hotel across the way.

-What?

In that outfit?

Don't worry I'll go.

-Fine.

I have one or two details to
discuss with Mr. Pettigrew.

-$250,000?

How much did you say that was?

-It's near as dammit
90,000 pounds.

-Lend me 35 bob will you?

-35 shillings to you?

-You can take it out
the 90,000 pounds.

-Well, perhaps this time.

-But I'll be wanting
[INAUDIBLE] change, mind?

-OK.

[MURMURING]

-And a small scotch, please.

Thank you.

-Lord Locharne.

Lord Locharne!

Oh, message from the lady, sir.

-What lady?

-She didn't give her name, sir.

She said you'd know.

She's waiting for
you in room 57, sir.

And will you come
as quick as you can?

-Right, thank you.

-Good night.

-And a very good
night to you, sir.

-Did you get the message, sir?
-Oh.

Thank you, yes.

-Room 57.

-Thank you, very much.

-She seemed really anxious.

You should go up straight away.

-Really?

-In a real state she was, sir.

-Was she?

-Good evening, milord.
-Oh.

Good evening.

-You've got your message?
-Yes, I did thank you.

-And you know the room number?

-Yes, I do.

-Who would have thought it.

-I beg your pardon?

-You, milord, of all people.

-Now, look I--

-Naturally we're
extremely interested.

-Are you?

-Yes, it caused quite
a stir among the staff.

-I see.

It won't by chance be
on the radio, will it?

-I wouldn't be at all surprised.

-Boy, take his
lordship up to room 57.

-Ah, hah, hah!

-At last, sire.

-I knew you'd come to
meet your future subjects.

Your loyal and
faithful supporters.

A handful at the
moment, a mere handful.

But great oaks from
little acorns grow.

It was a mere
handful that rallied

'round the pretender
when he landed

and look where they ended up.

Well, no.

Perhaps not.

May I present, sire, the
reverend Andrew Stuart and Mrs.

Stuart.

Mr. Stuart favors a march
of the clans on London

with you at the head
carrying a fiery cross,

and following the itinerary of
Charles Edward as far as Darby.

But more of that and on
when we formulate our plans.

Mr. Hector Stuart of [INAUDIBLE]
Ms. Fiona Stuart, Ms. Katriona

Stuart, and Mr. Allister
McAlpine Stuart of the glen.

Mr. Stuart is of
course the author

of the standard work--
"Whither the house of Stuart."

-The whiskey and my change.

-Silence sir.

And now, Mr. Isaac Goldstein,
a Stuart on his mother's side.

You'll get to know the other
zealots during the evening.

But now I'm sure
your lordship would

like a little refreshment.

And so would we all.

[CROSS-TALKING]

-Now then, everybody--
"Hail to the chief."

Two, three, four.

-(SINGING IN UNISON) Hail to the
chief, who in triumph advances.

Honour'd and blest be
the evergreen pine.

Long may the tree in
his banner that glances,

flourish the shelter
and grace of our line.

Heaven send it happy dew,
earth send it sap anew,

gaily to bourgeon
and broadly to grow--

[CHEERING AND CLAPPING]

-Tell me, did you have
anything to do with this sham?

-G'night.

-Night!

-No keys.

-No keys?

-No keys.

-Shh.

-Menzies's window.

-Menzies's?

-Menzies's.

-What the devil do you
think you're playing at?

[BELL RINGING]

-Evening, boss.

-Good morning.

-Storm brewing.

-How right you are.

-(SINGING) Hail to the
chief who in honor advances.

[SINGING]

-Scots were here
while Wallace fled.

Scots the Bruce have often led.

[BELL RINGING]

-Oh.

At last.

Thank goodness somebody's
shown a little spirit.

-A nice little thing.

Rather pale.

-What keeps you out all night?

-Well, you can see
for yourself sir.

It wasn't the sex.

-Morning, boss.

-Good morning.

-Any breakfast going?

-Whatever breakfast
was going has gone.

And so incidentally are
Mr. Blair, Ms. Miller

and Mrs. Thompson.

-Suits me.

-You can't sit there.

I haven't done that yet.

-Sorry.

Did you sleep well?

-You may not remember this, but
at 26 minutes past four this

morning, I had to come down
and open the door for you

and your little bit
of delicatessen. ,

-Sorry, I forgot my key.

-So you explained with grim
persistence until five to five.

-Well, you must be admit there
was something to celebrate.

-I'm not in the
mood for discussing

any form of celebration
this morning.

-You know I have a feeling
that you don't believe

that Imelda and I went to
Mr. Pettigrew's last night.

-No need to keep that up.

And it's news to me
that Mr. Pettigrew

has a chambermaid with
a squid called Doris.

-What do you mean a
squid called Doris?

-I mean a chambermaid with a--
called Doris with a squint.

-I don't know what
you're talking about.

-When I assisted
you and Mrs. Dunne

to negotiate the stairs this
morning, the pair of you

went into hysterics
over a chambermaid

called Doris who apparently had
a severe cast in her left eye.

-Now, my dear, of course--

-Now, if you want me to believe
that you spent the entire night

with Mr. Pettigrew,
why come in giggling

like a couple of
silly schoolgirls

over the idiosyncrasies
of a north

Scottish hotel chambermaid.

-You know if you'd only
sneezed during that remark,

it was pompous enough even for
that ghastly fellow, Phillips.

-It may be interest you to know
that last night after listening

to a program called
"Down Lullaby Lane,"

that ghastly fellow
Phillips said

he wished he was married
to a woman like me.

-And do you wish you were
married to a man like him?

-He may be a bronchial boor.

But at least he's not a selfish,
egotistical, double-crossing,

tatty example of decadent
Scottish aristocracy.

-Boss.

Would you mind leaving the
fruit alone for five minutes

and taking a look at that?

-You mean she's bought Locharne?

-Well, what do you think?

-For $250,000?

-Beat us down from $300.

-For Locharne?

-And all our buildings
and tenements and turrets

appertaining.

-She must have been soddled.

-On the contrary, we
didn't have a drink

'till after the deal was signed.

-I can't believe it.

-Now look, boss.

You've got to believe something.

You can't go through life
being a doubting Thomasina.

-I'm sorry.

-Sorry?

You ought to be cock-a-hoop!

-I mean I'm sorry about
not believing you.

-Well I'd have explained
the whole thing to you

last night, if you hadn't
been so hoity-toity.

-I wasn't hoity-toity.

-Oh, you were hoity-toity.

I'd never seen anyone
hoitier or toitier.

Boss, steady on, boss.

-When does the new
chatelaine take over?

-End of the month.

-Where will you go?

-Cuba.

-Why?

-Always wanted to go to Cuba.

-Well, why Cuba?

-Well, if you had the
chance to go to Cuba,

and you wanted to go to Cuba,
you'd go to Cuba, wouldn't you?

-Yes, I suppose.

-Fine.

Ring the travel bureau right
away and book two passages,

will you?

That is, if you'd like to come.

And tell them we want
an even slower boat

than the one that goes to China.

-Oh, bless you.

-Don't bless me, boss.

Bless Dunne's
Denver Delicatessen.

[PHONE RINGING]

-Oh.

-Hello.

Yes, this is Locharne castle.

Certainly, I'll see
that it's collected.

Thank you Has the number 57 any
special significance for you?

-Baked beans.

-Anything else?

-I don't think so.

Why?

-That was the north
Scottish hotel.

The lady who was
with you last night

left a gold cigarette
case in room 57

and apparently it was
found this morning

by the chambermaid--
squint or no squint.

-Now listen, boss, I
can explain everything.

-If there's one
thing in the world

I detest it's being lied to.

-Now just a minute.

-Especially when
it's not necessary.

You flatter yourself if you
think I care a hoot whether you

spend every night gadding
about with Colorado cuties,

because I don't.

-Well, there's no need
to lose your temper.

-I have no intention
of losing my temper.

There are only two
qualities you possess

in any quantity--
selfishness and charm.

And just because you happen have
a little charm you're an even

more successful cheat than
your sheep-stealing antics--

-Now wait a minute, who am
I supposed to have cheated?

-Me.

Not that that matters.

I'm used to it.

Mr. Phillips.

Letting him think he's
going to get Locharne,

when all the time you're
doing a deal with Mrs. Dunne.

-Now, look, boss.

Phillips is a
government official.

Getting the better of
a government official

isn't cheating.

It's human nature.

-And what about your
precious Imelda?

I suppose you told
her that Locharne

is due for requisitioning.

-No, I didn't.

-Charming.

She pays a quarter of a million
dollars for this symphony

in glazed brick only
to find-- poor woman--

-Poor woman!

You seem very concerned all of
a sudden for the poor woman.

-I'm not in the least concerned.

I just dislike seeing
even Mrs. Dunne done.

-We don't know that it's
going to be requisitioned.

If Phillips is buying up all the
coal [INAUDIBLE] in the village

after only one
night in the place

he probably won't requisition.

-If the authorities
find out you've

being trying to
dodge requisitioning,

you can bet they
will requisition.

Civil servants don't
like being crossed.

And they hate being
double-crossed.

-Well, you see, boss.

I- I thought you'd
have a word with him.

Persuade him not to?

-I'll certainly have
a word with him.

I'll also have a
word with Mrs. Dunne

when she shakes herself
free from her hangover.

-Good morning.

-Good morning, Imelda.

-Is this a private party?

-I hear you've bought
Locharne, Mrs. Dunne.

-That's right.

-I hope you'll be very happy.

-Well, thank you very much.

-Are you interested
in miners' welfare?

-I'll tell her, boss.

-I think I should.

I'm sure Mrs. Dunne would
prefer an accurate version.

-I said I'll tell her boss.

Would you mind clearing out?

-I'll certainly clear out.

We've never had any
sort of an agreement.

I believe it's supposed
to be a month's notice,

but would it matter
if I went today?

-Suits me.

-Then good-bye.

-Me oh my!

-I'm afraid she thinks
that you and I-- well you

know-- last night.

-Does it matter?

-Well, I just realized that
it matters rather a lot.

Imelda.

-Uh-huh?

-There's something I didn't tell
you at Pettigrew's last night.

-Oh?

What's that?

-There's a possibility--
a very vague possibility.

I don't imagine for a
moment it'll happen,

but there is a possibility that
this place might be taken over.

-Taken over?

Why by?

-Phillips.

The coal board want
it for a hostel.

-Well, that's too bad.

They can't have it.

I just bought it.

-Actually, they can.

Emergency restriction
227-B of 1066 and all that.

-You didn't think to
mention at the lawyer's.

-I'm sorry.

I should have.

-Oh, that's OK.

-Is it?

-Sure.

I'll just take the
check back, please.

-The check?

-You heard me.

-Supposing I paid it into
the bank this morning.

-Wouldn't have mattered.

It's post-dated the
first of next month.

-So it is.

-You persuade that coal
salesman to change his mind

and it's a deal.

Until then, I'll take
care of the check.

-Do you mind if I have
one last, lingering look?

-What's do intriguing about it?

-Nothing.

Nothing.

But it's the number
of nothings actually.

And there, If I'm
not mistaken, is

the mating call
of the coal board.

-Hello, Mr. Phillips.

-How's the cold?

-I'm completely stuffed up.

-Oh, you never should have left
that nice warm bed of yours.

-Have you ever slept in a
bed with a damp bathrobe?

-Don't be silly.

How could she?

You were in it.

-I'd like to get our little
business settled now, sir.

I hope I've not kept you.

I've been to the village to buy
some [INAUDIBLE] They asked me

at the post office to
bring out the bail.

-Bring out the what?

-The bail?

-Oh yes.
The bail.

Yes.

-I've had rather a distressing
communication, myself.

-Oh, don't tell me they've
knocked a shilling a hundred

weight off the price of nuts.

-No, no.

I was due for upgrading.

-Up what?

-Probotions.

-Oh, probotion, yes.

Probotion.

-They tell me I've been passed
over in favor of a younger man.

-Aww, too bad.

-I don't mind telling you I'm
fed up with the coal board.

-Yes, well you're
not alone in that.

-If I had another job to go
to I'd resign here and now.

-Really.

Excuse me one
moment, Mr. Phillips.

-Now then, Phillips old chap.

The very one place where anyone
with a cold like yours must be.

-You've got to
sweat it out, boy.

[INAUDIBLE]

-And a couple of hot water
bottles and a nice hot toddy.

-No thank you.

I intend to leave
this place as soon

as the future of this
property has been decided.

-That's exactly
what I'm getting at.

Menzies!

Jesse!

Come along now,
Phillips old chap.

There you are.

Nice hot water.

Just what the doctor ordered.

[CHUCKLING]

[COUGHING]

-Down you guy.

That's the style.

-I- I'm afraid I'm
putting you out.

-What was that?

-I said I'm afraid
I'm putting you out.

-Yes.

Well, remains to be seen.

Now I take it you
don't find Locharne

such a highly desirable
residence after all.

-At the moment I find it a
highly undesirable residence.

-Very good.

-So you won't be going
on with this crazy idea

of turning Locharne
into a hostel?

-Oh yes.

-You mean you will requisition.

-Certainly.

-Get in there.

[COUGHING AND WHEEZING]

-I just had the craziest idea.

-What was it?

-Well, if I had been
able to settle down here,

I'd have needed someone around
to help me run the place.

You mean a sort
of a state agent?

-Oh, more than that.

Someone in complete charge.

I offered the job to Ms.
Trent but she said no.

-More of a man's job,
wouldn't you say?

[CHUCKLING] Yes, I guess so.

-What's sort of salary were
you thinking of offering?

-Oh, for the right person around
eight or nine thousand dollars.

-But that's as much as
some cabinet ministers get.

-Don't be silly.

She doesn't want a cabinet
minister running her home.

She wants to enjoy herself.

-The crazy thing
is, I really need

someone like a Mr. Phillips.

-Mrs. Dunne, you surprise me.

What you're suggesting is
the worst possible form

of private enterprise.

-Would you mind
keeping out of this?

-Under your tongue.

That's it.

-Mrs. Dunne, I am
to understand you're

offering me the good job?

-You don't mean
you'd be interested?

-Very.

-What happened to
your old coal board?

-Damn the coal board.

-Phillips, what a thing to say.

And with winter coming on.

Whoa.

-What is it?

-You're on your target.

-Only one thing.

There's one very big snag.

-Snag?

-Yeah.

Now that I can't
get Locharne, I'm

going to have to find
some other place to live.

-Ahhh.

-That may not be easy.

-Difficult.

-It may take time.

-Yes.

-I may never find it.

-So true.

-So, Now that I
can't get Locharne,

I guess I'll just have
to forget the whole thing

and go right back to Denver.

-Mr. Phillips.

-Hello?

-Mrs. Dunne says that now
that she can't get Locharne,

she might have to
forget the whole thing

and go back to Denver.

-Mrs. Dunne.

-Yes.

-If I were to accept
the appointment

you offer-- and I'd
be very happy to do

so-- I could accompany my
resignation to the board

with an adverse
report on Locharne.

-You're rather hard on the dear
old board, don't you think?

-Your grace.

-Paging me.

-I really meant to send in an
adverse report in any case.

I only decided to
requisition because you

were so determined to avoid it.

-Mrs. Dunne, when would
you like to start?

-I have the date right here.

The first of the month.

-Thank you.

Mrs. Dunne.

-Thank you.

-Thank you.

-You're going somewhere?

-Edinburgh.

-Oh.

-Well, you'll let us know
where you are, won't you?

-Do you want to know?

-Yeah.

Want to know where to
send things on and so on.

-Oh, yes.

Of course.

I'll probably stay there
a few days with friends.

Oh, is it the Watsons?

-Yes.

-Is he better now?

-Well, he's still on a diet.

-It was Tommy, wasn't it.

-Yes.

-Tell him I was asking
after him, won't you?

-Certainly.

-And Mrs. Watson.

-Yes, our course.

-And the children.

-They haven't any.

Oh.

By the way, I thought
I'd leave you this.

It must be worth at
least three and six.

-Isn't it yours?

-Well, it's joint property.

We won it in the three-legged
race at Barrister Sport.

Remember?

-Boss, I'm going to ask you
something I've been wanting

to ask you before but couldn't.

But this check has
made it possible.

I suppose you wouldn't
by any conceivable chance

like to marry me.

You've been around
so long, boss.

I'm afraid I've rather
taken you for granted.

It's only when you're in
danger of losing something

that you realize
how much it means.

You wouldn't, would you?

-What happened in the
north Scottish hotel?

-You know I had an idea you
were going to ask me that.

-Was that woman in room 57?

-She certainly was.

-You were?

-Sure, along with Ms.
Nicholson and a couple

of dozen very hairy Jacobites.

I'm just going introduce myself
to the rest of the staff.

How many did you say they were?

-Most of them are on holiday.

-Oh.

-Lord Locharne, what a
terrible thing has happened.

What are you doing to Ms. Trent?

Oh, I see.

I've made the most
ghastly blunder.

-What is it?

-Well will you ever forgive me?

I find you're not in the
direct line of succession.

-Don't tell me that I've
been in the wrong queue.

-Last night, at least
just before dawn,

I had a visitation from
Herman Trude such a dear

and so conscientious.

But look here.

You remember that branch
of the family tree, which

had been chopped
off and then lost?

Well, this is it.

Herman Trude has found it.

And when I put in
its proper place,

it proves beyond
all contradiction

that the crown should go to the
[INAUDIBLE] Locharne and not

the Locharne Locharne.

Oh, it's a tremendous
disappointment,

but I'm afraid I'm you're
not rightful king of Scotland

after all, and I so
longed to see you crowned.

-Quite a few people
have longed to see that.

But surely the [INAUDIBLE]
Locharne-- isn't he very old?

-Oh, extremely.

I've ascertained that
he'll be 97 next month.

-Then you haven't a moment
to lose, Ms. Nicholson.

-No, I haven't to lose.

I must start packing at once.

Ms. Trent can you help me?

Oh, of course.

You're otherwise engaged.

-Will you mind very
much not being a queen?

-I'll get used to it.