Carry on Abroad (1972) - full transcript

♪ The Marseillaise ♪

♪ Lively Latin music ♪

♪ Romantic Mediterranean music ♪

♪ Lively Gypsy music ♪

How about the other half?

Another one of those.

Oh, ta. Have you got a large one?

I've had no complaints so far.

Seeing's believing.

You won't need a magnifying glass.

- Ooh.
- Ha-ha-ha.



Here we are.

No, no, no. Have it on me...
if you know what I mean.

Oh. You don't have to
draw me any diagrams.

Pity. I was just going
to get my ballpoint out.

Yeah, and write your name in
the frost with it, I suppose.

Bottoms up.

Is that what it is? You
could have fooled me.

Evening, all.

- Hello, Cora.
- Harry.

- The usual, ta.
- Vic,

would you see to Harry?

I thought he'd been
seen to years ago.

- How are they hanging?
- Empty.

Soon fix that up.



Not for me, ta. I've
just had dinner.

I hear you're going on your
holiday tomorrow, then.

Just a weekend.

All right for some.
Taking the missus, too?

No, she won't go abroad.
Doesn't like flying.

And someone has to
look after the pub.

It's a package deal.
17 quid, all in.

Thank you. Where are you going to?

Some new resort in the Med.

Oh, for heaven's
sake, Vic. Tell him.

It's a place called Elsbels.

Hey.

Elsbels? The island?

- Tomorrow?
- Yes.

Blimey. There's a
coincidence for you.

What is?

Sadie's going there
on the same trip.

Get away.

That's right, isn't it, Sadie?
You're going to Elsbels.

Me? Oh... yes. I
thought of going. Why?

Well, Vic's going
on the same trip.

Really? Well, fancy that.

Have a good trip.

Get off.

Well, that's it. How
about a nice cup of tea?

You filthy, rotten,
stinking beast.

- What have I done now?
- Don't come the innocent with me.

You and that Sadie Tomkins.

"Are you going on the same trip?
Well, fancy that. Fancy that."

Well, I don't fancy that at all.

What are you talking
about? It's the

first I've heard of
it. Straight up.

Don't lie to me. You've
obviously both arranged it.

Arranged it? If I'd known she
was going, I'd have cancelled.

Good, because that's exactly
what you're going to do.

As late as this? I'll
lose my deposit money.

You'll lose a damn sight
more if you don't.

Oh, have a heart. I
need this holiday.

I can't go without it just
cos she's going to be there.

If she's going, you won't
be going without it.

What? Cor blimey, I wouldn't
touch her with a bargepole.

No, but you would
with anything else.

Oh, no wonder you've never minded
going on holiday on your own.

Now, that's not true. I've always
begged you to come with me.

All right, then. I will.

It's flying...

Flying... You don't
like flying. Remember?

I don't like washing floors,

but I'd rather do that than
you get some other scrubber.

I'll see the travel agent
first thing in the morning.

Hello there.

Afternoon, Miss Dobbs.
Lovely day for it.

That's what they all say, but
it won't get you anywhere.

I meant for the Elsbels
trip, Miss Dobbs.

Oh, I say. I'm awfully sorry.

That's all right. Any time.

Let's leave the sightseeing
till we get there?

Good afternoon. Lovely day for it.

- That's what they all say.
- I'll bet they do.

Or did you mean the trip?

No, what I meant
was... Never mind.

It's Mr and Mrs Flange, for
the weekend to Elsbels.

If you'd like to take a seat, sir.
You're not due to leave just yet.

- Hello.
- How do you do?

- Are you girls going to Elsbels?
- Yeah, that's right.

Oh, very nice. I'm Vic
Flange. That's my wife.

Oh. Hello.

Never mind, love.
Better luck next time.

The coach is here, and
some of the party.

Well, we may as well
get them aboard.

Of course. Mr Farquhar...

I want you to know how thrilled
I am to be with you this trip.

I feel we're going to be
just wonderful together.

Miss Plunkett, you're
squashing my itinerary.

Oh, I'm terribly sorry. I keep

forgetting what a
big girl I am now.

Well, shall we get them out now?

Why, Mr Farquhar.

The people for the coach, I mean.

Oh, those. Yes, of course.

Good afternoon. You
may board the coach

now. Have your tickets
ready, please.

Coach? I thought we
were going by air.

We have to go by coach
to get to the airport.

But you didn't say that. I
don't like coaches, either.

Blimey. You're determined
to have a good time.

Ah, thank you. May I wish you
both an extremely happy holiday?

Oh, thanks. Come on, Marge.

- That's enough of that.
- Sorry. My arms are aching.

Your eyes will be too
by the time we finish.

All right. All right.

Excuse me. Is this
the Elsbels coach?

That's right.

- Oh, good. Excuse me.
- Well, don't mind us.

Pardon us.

Blunt. Mr and Mrs Stanley Blunt.

Do you have a ticket?

Naturally. Do we
look like stowaways?

No, not at all, but I
have to collect them.

Oh, for heaven's sake.
Stanley. Tickets.

Tickets, dear? Yes. Er... in
my trousers pocket, dear.

Well, produce them. Oh, why
are you always so helpless?

- For heaven's sake, keep still.
- Aargh.

Oooh. Back. The back pocket.

Why on earth didn't you say so?

There.

Now, come along, and stop making
such an exhibition of yourself.

Ah, good afternoon,
sir. Your tickets?

Here we are.

Thank you, Mr Flange.
That's correct.

You're travelling with Miss...

Er... no. Mrs Mrs Flange.
Mr and Mrs Flange.

Oh, but I've got you
down as with Miss Tom...

No, no. That was all
changed this morning.

You've just got married?
Oh, congratulations.

No, no, I... changed the booking.

I was coming on my own, but
then she changed her mind.

- What's the trouble, Vic?
- Nothing, darling. Nothing.

You got it? Two tickets.
Mr and Mrs Flange.

- If you say so, sir.
- I do say so.

Come on, darling.

I hope there's some young ones.

Oh, stop worrying,
Marge. They said

a party of young
blokes was coming.

I certainly hope so.

Now, don't forget, Eustace,
dear. None of that oily food.

And take your syrup
of figs every night.

Yes, Mummy. But do stop worrying.
I shall be quite all right.

Oh, I do hope so, dear.
But I shall be praying

to Him every night to
keep your bowels open.

- That will not be necessary.
- It's the least I can do.

Goodbye, dear, and take care.

Yes, dear.

- Ah, good afternoon, sir.
- Oh, hello.

- Have you got a ticket?
- Yes, I have. Have you?

Of course. I'm the
courier for this party.

How nice.

Ah, Mr Tuttle. You're
travelling alone?

Yes, I am. Mummy has to stay
behind to look after the hamsters.

- Oh, really?
- Yes.

- Left alone, they start mating.
- Oh, how interesting.

No, it isn't. It's
all over in a flash.

Oh, I meant to tell you, dear.

Keep your woolly vest
on, even at night.

Yes, Mummy... and goodbye.

Oh, and when you do go, always
put plenty of paper down first.

You will look after
him, won't you?

We look after everyone
on a Wundatour, madam.

- Yes, but he's not like the rest.
- I can certainly believe that.

He's very delicate, and not
used to being away from home.

- Excuse me.
- What is it? What do you want?

You're blocking their passage.

Yes, and that would
never do, would it?

Oh, I'm sorry. Goodbye, dear.

Goodbye, Mummy.

Excuse me.

Thank you.

Hello.

- How about these two?
- Quite dishy.

Mr Tweed, Mr Phipps. Would
you like to take your seat?

Thank you very much.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Do you mind, please, sitting down?

Who the hell do you think
you're talking to?

Hey, son. Is this for
the dirty weekend?

This is the four-day trip to
Elsbels, if that's what you mean.

Same difference, isn't it? Ha-ha.

Have you got a ticket?

Certainly. I don't expect
to get it for nothing.

Not the holiday, anyway.

Oh, Mr Conway, yes. Would you
take your seat on the coach?

Well, I cannae leave
it behind, can I?

I'll need it to drive
the old point home.

Hello there. All ready

for a wild weekend?

Oh, well. Maybe not.

Hello.

Well, where's all
the crumpet, then?

I don't think they
give us any tea.

No. Women. Birds.

Oh. I did notice a couple of
young ladies, back there.

Oh, no, son. That's
jail bait, that is.

"Touch me and I'll
tell my dad" stuff.

Hey, that looks a
bit more like it.

I'll just give her a
hand with her bags.

Allow me.

Oh, ta.

Be careful. It's not very well...

fastened.

That's torn it.

Oh, I'll do it.

It took me a long time to
get all that in there.

I'll bet.

Men.

We can't possibly leave yet.
There's a party of 12 men to come.

There. What did I
tell you? 12 of 'em.

Miss Plunkett's checking them now.

Ah. It's all right.
Here they come.

Please. Please, working.
Why not working?

Standing, leaning on shovels.

We four and five storeys
yet putting up.

Work.

There's English people
coming for happy holidays.

You very loving foreman.

We no work like this,
so look at this.

Thank you.

- Let's go.
- No, no.

It's nice here, look.

Are forgetting shovels. Little
shovels. Small diggings.

Santa Cecilia. Floella. Floella.

Floella. Floella.

Floella.

Floella.

Floella?

Floella.

Floella.

Floella?

Floella...

Floella. The
peoples-they are here.

What can I do? I've got enough
troubles with the blooding stove.

Argh.

Floellas, this is
our first guests.

If we not making success, we are
getting the sacks from the owners.

We've got to make them welcome.

Sure, sure, sure. We'll make them
very welcome... I don't think.

With no blooding food.
And no blooding staff.

Ok, ok. It's my fault we
got no blooding staff.

Where's Giorgio?

Should I blooding know? Sitting
on his blooding arse, I suppose.

Giorgio. Get off the blooding
arse. The peoples are here.

Giorgio.

- Giorgio.
- Yes, Papa?

Waking up. Making readies.

People coming. A load of sheets.

Yes, Papa.

Ladies and gentlemens,
welcoming to Palace Hotels.

Oh, we are in the
right place, then?

Yes. This number one
first-class hotel on islands.

Entering, please, but
minding wet cements.

This way.

This is very lovings, no?

I beg your pardon? Oh, you
mean lovely? Yes, very nice.

Is all brand-news.
Tables not sat in,

chairs not sat in, lavatories...

Yeah, we needn't go into
that. Is the manager here?

Er... yes, yes. I fetch
him. One moment.

Yes, well, I think we shall
be very comfortable here.

It'll be all right
when it's finished.

Oh, you won't let a little thing
like that spoil your holiday?

Welcoming, ladies and gentlemens.

Welcomings. I am Monsieur Pépé.

But you were the doorman.

Me? No, no. That's
Mario, my brothers.

Oh, yes, I see. Well,
I'm the representative

of Wundatours. Stuart Farquhar.

Stupid what?

Stuart. Stuart Farquhar.

I think he was right
the first time.

Ah, you Mr Farki-Hars.
Having letters for you.

Good. I wondered if you
were expecting us.

Certainly I'm expecting.
My wife is also expecting.

Yes, well... this hotel doesn't
seem to be quite finished.

Not finished? Oh, it's nothing. A
little bit of building to finish.

Four or five floors. That's all.

Four or five floors? You have
got room for us, though?

Glad you mentionings. As
a matter of factings...

Blooding, blooding stove.

Oh, excuse me. The chef is not
speaking so good English.

Well, could you show
us the rooms you have?

Me? No, no, no. I
fetch the porter.

Porter.

This way, please,

ladies and gentlemens.

Well, I think it is
outrageous, asking us

to share a room just
because we're married.

I don't know, dear.

I thought it was quite reasonable,
in the circumstances.

Oh, yes, you didn't
resist. Any man with half

an ounce of gumption
would have refused.

Oh... actually, I thought
it might be quite fun.

Fun? Fun?

Well, it is quite some
time since we did it.

Erm... shared a room, I mean.

Stanley, you're not going
to try to use this

as an excuse to start
that nastiness again?

No, dear, of course not. No.

I should hope not. You know I
need a bit of peace and quiet.

Well, I can assure you
that I need a bit, too.

Yes, well, we'll just have to
try and make the best of it.

Now, I am going to get undressed
and have a nice hot bath.

Oh, that's a... jolly good idea.

Well?

Er, yes, well, I'll just
go out onto the balcony.

Don't forget to keep
looking the other way.

We've got a shower.

Oh, well, that's
something. Open the

windows, and let's
get some fresh air.

That's a good idea.

What's the matter
with it? It's stuck.

Excusings, please.
You liking towels?

Yes, please. Er... excusings.

Do you think you can do something

about the windows?
They won't open.

- Not openings?
- No.

Holdings, please.

One minute, please.

It is easies, no? Thankings.

Just a minute.

Please excusings. You like towels?

Stanley.

Yes, dear? What is it?

Oh, I say.

For heaven's sake,
Stanley, do something.

Yes, dear.

Dash it all.

This isn't good enough.

Can't you see my wife's undressed?

Yes. See, I see.

She is very lovings.
You very lucky mans.

You think so?

Yes.

Big hip...

small waist... and boom-boom.

Stanley, will you get
him out of here?

Now, look here... Ow.

I feel as though I were
in a cattle market.

Yes, dear, I see what you mean.

Oh, hello.

Argh. Stanley.

- Stanley.
- Coming, dear.

Stanley, there is a
man in our bath.

What? Well, what sort of man?

What does it matter?
They're all the same.

Well, yes. I'll just go and see...

I say, I'm awfully sorry.

Argh.

Not to worry. It's only Mr Tuttle.

But what is he doing
in our bathroom?

Your bathroom? But it
leads off my room.

I think I'm going to go mad.

No, hang on, please,
before you go anywhere.

I think I'd better go and check.

Recep-Ti-ons.

Ah, yes. My wife has a complaint.

You wanting doctors?

No, no, not that
sort of complaint.

She's been to the bathroom,
and there's a man in it.

Oh, it's all right. We not
making extra chargings for this.

You don't seem to understand.
This is a private bathroom, no?

Is right. Is private
between two rooms.

But then that's hardly
private, is it?

Oh, for heaven's sake.
Give me that phone.

Hello. I wish to make a
strong... complaint.

I've never had a trip
like that in all my

life... and with such
fearsome people.

Have you ever seen anything like
them? I swear they're all odd.

Isn't that typical? I'm going to
give them a piece of my mind.

Oh, lay off it, Rob. We're
only here for four days.

No, I've had enough.
I am taking no more.

Hello?

Excusing, please.

- Recep-Ti-ons.
- I have a complaint to make.

Complaint? Er... one
minute, please.

I hand you over to
Room Servicings.

Hello, madams? About the bath...

I am handing you over
to Room Servicings.

Oh, for heaven's
sake. Hello? Hello?

Ah, Room Service?

And about time. Now, listen, my

drawers have got no
bottoms in them.

What? Who is that?

I want Room Service.

Well, so do I. Get off the line.

Room Service?

Ah. It's about our bathroom.

I want to complain.

Er... one minute, please. I
giving you Room Servicings.

Hello?

I've just found there's
no back to my wardrobe.

What? What? Who is that? Is that
Room Service? Room Service?

I wish to report a man in my bath.

Oh, go away. Go away.

Er... mind if I shower first?

Oh, go ahead. I'm going
to wash my hair.

Hello?

♪ Cocktail jazz ♪

- Aargh.
- Blimey.

Vic, what are you doing
in here? Get out of here.

Sorry. If I'd known you were
here, I wouldn't have come.

Yes, all right. Just
get out of here

quick before somebody comes in.

You haven't got any
soap on that bit.

Get out of here.

You see, I thought
this was our bathroom.

I didn't realise
there was a door...

What do you think of that?

I've never been so shocked and
humiliated. Where's the phone?

Well, everyone seems happy
enough now, I'm glad to say.

There is one matter
I would like to

take up with you, Monsieur Pépé.

No, no, it's not Monsieur Pépé.
I getting him. You take.

- Me?
- Yes, it's Room Servicings.

Oh, I see. Yes.

Hello. Room Service.

There is a man in my bath...

- with no bottom...
- .and nothing on the other side.

And as I bent over...

she was standing there, starkers.

- When I pressed the thing...
- .and tried to plug it in...

sand shot out of it...

and soaked me from head to foot.

Now it won't work at all.

Just one moment, please.

Oh. Oh. Help.

Argh. Help.

Lovely night, anyway. Funny how

everything looks better
in the moonlight.

Pity we didn't have it
in our bathroom, then.

Oh, don't keep on
about it. How was I

to know we shared a
bathroom with her?

You need not have struck
up a conversation.

A gentleman would have
left immediately.

I was very embarrassed. I
didn't know which way to look.

You mean at which one.

Yeah... Oh, no,
this is ridiculous.

I bet you're always the same
abroad. You become an animal.

Right. There's only one way
to deal with that, then.

And where are you going?

To get myself doctored.

Ooh.

- Yoo-hoo. Hello, girls.
- Hello, Mr Tuttle.

I say, how about another
little game before dinner?

No, thanks, Mr Tuttle.
Come along, Marge.

Oh. Hey, I'll get you.

I think I'll get a breath of fresh
air before supper, Brother Martin.

Evening.

Hello there. Are you having one?

Yes, thanks. I'll have a
beer. What's it like?

Well, I cannae make up my mind
whether it's gnat's or cat's.

You're making me homesick.

Oh, no, Mr Tuttle. No more.
You're too old for it.

Oh, come on. You do enjoy it.

I don't.

Oh, just once more.
Bend over, dear.

All right, then, but
this is the last time.

Here I come.

Ooooh.

- Oh, please let me help you.
- Oh, thank you.

I can manage.

Oh, all right. I'd
like to apologise

for that wardrobe business.

Don't bother. I hope you
enjoyed what you saw.

Oh, yes. I mean...

Oh. Will you let go of me?

Here's your skirt.

Your skirt...

Oh, it wasn't his fault.
It was an accident.

I'll see to it.

Poor girls. I'll give them a hand.

I'm sure they can manage quite
well enough without your help.

Jings.

Get a load of that, then.

That's the best bet
of the lot, son.

How do you know?

Well, I got the old
green light, didn't I?

You did?

Begging for it... Pity.

Pity?

Makes it awkward. You know
what happened to her husband.

What did happen to him?

- Rat poison? She told you that?
- Why? Don't you believe her?

Oh, yes. I was just
thinking of her

first husband. Nasty business.

Why, what happened to him?

With an axe?

Next morning, they found him
dead in the swimming pool.

Hey, George. Give
us a large whisky.

Good evening. Good
evening, everybody.

And what a lovely one it is.

There he is now. Go on. Tell him.

Er... yes. Yes, dear.

Mr Farquhar, my wife...
That is, we...

Well, the fact is, we're not
altogether happy about the...

Well, that is...

Oh, for heaven's sake, Stanley.

My husband is trying to
say that this is the most

appalling hotel in which
we have ever stayed.

Hear, hear.

Oh, no. Don't be like that.

We're the first guests
they've ever had.

They're bound to have
teething troubles.

More teething troubles than
a crocodile with pyorrhoea.

I am confident that
things will get better.

And they need to,
if I'm going to get

a shower every time I take a leak.

Now, now, I think
we'll all feel a lot

better when we've
had a good dinner.

Aargh.

I can't do with the
blooding thing.

If we are going to get any dinner.

Argh.

Why do we have to
have a coke stove?

Why can't we have
electric-tricity?

Santa Cecilia. How
many more times?

Because coke is more dependable
than the electricities.

But it don't burn. Look.

Mama, Mama.

All is needing is
methylating spirits.

Wait.

Watching.

So, cook. Cook.

Argh.

Excuse me, Monsieur Pépé.

We were wondering about
dinner. They're waiting.

I'm sorry, Mr Farki-Hars.
It's late, I know,

but we are having
troubles with the stove.

It's all cock, you see.

I beg your pardon?

Yes, and with no wind,
it is not burning.

Oh, you mean coke. Coke stove.

Yes, is right. Cock stove.

But not to worry.
Is all right now.

Soon you have first-class
number-nine dinners.

- Number nine? Oh, good.
- With free wines.

Excellent.

- I'll tell them.
- Giorgio.

Putting one bottle
on each table, with

the compliments of
the mismanagement.

Yes, Papa.

Mama, Mama. Hurry with the soups.

If you'd all like to
take your places.

You'll find the seats
clearly marked.

Yes, I'm three.

Here we are.

Ah, good evening,
ladies and gentlemens.

Bon appétits. Bon appétits.

Well, it seems we're
sitting with you.

Well, that's the luck of the draw.

I haven't been introduced.

My name is Blunt. Stanley Blunt.
This is the wife, Evelyn.

Delighted to meet you.

Vic?

Vic.

- What?
- How about an introduction?

What are you talking
about? You know me.

To Mr and Mrs Blunt.

Who are they? Oh.

How do you do? I'm
Vic. Vic Flange.

This is the wife. Don't laugh.

Oh. I'm with you.

That's nice.

I expect it's because
we're on our own.

Well, I'm not on my
own. I'm with Tuttle.

Oh, I see.

No, he's supposed to
sit here with us.

Oh, well, there is
safety in numbers.

I hope so.

- Vino.
- Ah, excellent. The wine.

"Spanish-type, Australian-French
Burgundy. Produce of Hong Kong."

Clumsy.

Beautiful wine for
a beautiful lady.

Well, was that supposed
to be a compliment?

You'd better taste the wine first.

Better watch it. He'll be
pinching your bottom next.

- Not for me, thank you.
- No? Don't drink?

I tried it once and
didn't like it.

Oh. Have a smoke?

I tried it once and
didn't like it.

Strange.

Not at all. My daughter
is just the same.

Your only child, I presume.

Oh. Just in the nick of.

Hello.

Hot soups.

Is good.

Better get in quick,
before it evaporates.

For what we are about to receive,
O Lord, make us truly thankful.

I don't think He could
have heard you.

Er... what is this?

Soups. What you are
calling Brown Bristols.

No, Windsor. Brown Windsor.

Yes, yes. Is good, no?

No, we expected some foreign food.

Foreign? That's
foreign. You are not

thinking we eating this rubbish?

Well, I hope you show more
imagination with the main dish.

Ah, that is specialities
of the house.

Ah.

Sausage, beans and chippings.

- Is that all?
- That's plenties.

But isn't there a choice?

Choice? Of course
you having choices.

You can having sausage
and chippings,

sausage and beans, or
beans and chippings.

That's choices.

Choices.

No, not again. Mama,
why are you not

using methylatings
like I am telling you?

Is no good.

Is... good.

Standing back. Look. Back.

What's happening?

This is not methylatings.
This is vinos.

Blooding fools.

Please excusings. There's
slight technical hitchings.

Oh, for heaven's sake,
let's open some windows.

Ow. Oh, I've been bitten.

Mosquitoes. Millions of 'em.

Well, everything is
all right now, no?

Who is opening the
blooding windows?

Floella. Giorgio.
Getting the flick.

What the hell is that?

Five o'clock.

It's five o'clock.

Stanley.

Stanley.

Stanley...

Do you want something, dear?

Will you get out of bed and do

something about that
dreadful noise?

My head. It's splitting.

Oh, what a shocking noise.

Can you hear it, too?

Well, I'm not standing for that.

Come on. We might as
well get out of bed.

- Lily.
- What? Argh.

Vic. Vic.

Look up there.

- Moira.
- What is it?

Look out.

Oh, really. Haven't they ever
seen anyone washing before?

Monsieur Pépé, I want
a word with you.

Mr Farki-Hars. If it's
for complimenting

on breakfast, it was nothings.

Oh, you're so right.
It was nothings.

No, it's about all
this building noise.

It... it's all right,
Mr Farki-Hars.

Work is now stopped
till Monday morning.

Oh, well, that's one blessing.

I understanding, sir.
You like a peace.

No... not just at the
moment, thank you.

Peace and quiet. No noises.

Oh, yes. Yes, exactly.

Ah.

Welcome, sir. Are you
two on your own here?

- Yeah.
- Yes. What about it?

You like to meet
nice girls? Elsbels?

- Yeah, great.
- Certainly not.

What kind of a person does
he think I am, anyway?

I have never had such a night. I
am absolutely covered with bites.

What have you been up
to, you old devil?

Mosquito bites. Look.

Trouble with
mosquitoes-no taste. I

mean, they don't
care who they bite.

Well, they're eating
better than we are.

I think I'm going
up to change now.

And in the meantime, Stanley,
do something about our room.

I was cold in the night, and
there was no hot water.

The toilet doesn't flush.
That coffee is cold.

Oh, and that sun is too hot.

Apart from that, she's
having a great time.

Well, I think I'll just go up and
grab a bit of fun. Er... sun.

Bring my sun cream when you come.

All right, love.

Do you know, Mrs Flange, you're
an extremely handsome woman?

Really?

I might even go so far
as to say... desirable.

Fancy. Another roll?

Do you believe in free love?

I prefer bacon and eggs.
To rolls, I mean.

You're not answering my
question, Mrs Flange.

Not so fattening.

Do you believe in free love?

Well, I'm certainly
not paying for it.

Mr Blunt.

I'm sure your wife
wouldn't like that.

That's just it. She doesn't.

Yes, well, I think
I'll go to my room.

Good idea.

Five minutes?

Yes. Er... no. No, I'll...

I'll see you down here later.

What are you doing here?

I've just come to have a little
talk with you, that's all.

Well, I don't want to waste
time talking to you.

Good, cos I've only got
a couple of minutes.

- Oh, no, you don't.
- What's wrong?

I've got a bone to
pick with you, Vic.

Fine. I could do with a nibble.

I had a chat this morning
with Bert Conway.

What about it?

He said you told him I drowned my
first husband in a swimming pool.

You told him you poisoned
your second one.

Well, that was before I knew
he was the only available man.

Oh, have a heart. It wasn't my
fault my wife decided to come.

- Well, I didn't invite her.
- What did you tell Conway?

The truth. You know perfectly
well what my husbands were.

Yes. They were both firemen.

That's right, and both
of them died on the job.

- Oh, Sadie...
- Vic. Are you in the bathroom?

Oh, cor blimey. Get
back inside. Quick.

I... er... I think you
dropped something.

Good thing I came along, because
she mightn't have noticed.

Cora, Cora, just a minute.

I say, that's interesting,
Brother Bernard.

There are directions
for finding the tomb

of St Cecilia, the
founder of our order.

Oh, that's nice.

Isn't it? "It is believed to lie
in the middle of the island,

about five miles north
of the port of Elsbels."

If we follow them, I think
we might get somewhere.

Do you think we should?

Ah, well, that is what
we came for, isn't it?

Is it? I thought we were going
to find the tomb of St Cecilia.

That is what I am talking about.

Oh, I'm sorry, Brother Martin. I
was thinking of something else.

If we made an early start, perhaps

we could have lunch
in the village.

- You fancy that, Brother Bernard?
- Not half.

- Well, let's get started, then.
- Are we going?

Of course. I've just said so.

Well, I'll just finish my coffee.

All right. We'll all meet in front
of the hotel in ten minutes' time.

- Hello.
- Hello.

Lovely, isn't it?

Yes, beautiful.

Come along, Nicholas. You
promised to help me do my hair.

Ah, push off.

I see.

Ahem.

Oh, hello.

Morning. I'd just
like to apologise

to your friend about her skirt.

Oh, forget it.

Why don't you get some clothes
off and get some sun?

- No, I couldn't do that.
- Are you really a clergyman?

- No, I'm a brother.
- Oh, you mean a monk?

Well, not exactly. It's an
order. We do missionary work.

Oh. Saving fallen
women and all that?

Well, that's part
of it, I suppose.

- How many have you saved?
- None. I've just joined.

Well, if you want to start
on us, you're too late.

I know that.

What I mean is, I'm
sure you're both

capable of taking
care of yourselves.

I haven't got much option here.
Would you do my back for me?

What?

Oh, yes, of course.

Ooh, that's smashing.

Brother Bernard.

Oh, that moron.

Good morning, Mrs Blunt.

Oh.

- Stanley.
- Yes, my dear?

I'll have my chair over there.

Oh, Bert, you must tell me about

your hobby. I just
adore old prints.

Really?

Mm. I've got a couple of beauties.

- Yes, I noticed that.
- Oh, saucy.

There we are.

Now, how's that, dear?

No. Too much in the sun.

Oh. Excuse me.

Thank you. There we are.

Right.

Is that all right now, dear?

Too much in the shade.

Don't bother to ask me
if I'd like a chair.

I wasn't going to.

Oh, Cora, come here.
Don't be stupid.

Morning, everybody.

Hang on. Let me give you a hand.

Oh, I can manage, thank you.

Er... may I help you, Mrs Flange?

Oh, thank you very much, Mr Blunt.

Thank you.

Hello. Hello. Good morning,
everybody. What a lovely day.

Oh. Well, yes, that's
right, enjoy the sunshine.

That's something
you can't muck up.

Ah, well, Wundatours especially

chose Elsbels for
a holiday weekend

because of its wonderful
sunshine record.

It's only a shower.
It'll clear up later.

It's probably raining in London.

Don't blame me. It wasn't my fault

we couldn't find
the wretched tomb.

Perhaps it got buried.

Of course it did.
It's underground.

Maybe we'll have
better luck tomorrow.

If we don't have to spend half the
day looking for a toilet for you.

Well, I couldn't help that.
After all, I'm only human.

Sometimes I doubt that very much.

Here, that was underground.
Do you suppose it could...

Well, it was just a thought.

Still raining, I'm afraid.

Oh, how I loathe excursions.

Traipsing round filthy foreign

markets, sitting in
sordid nightclubs.

Yes, well, I mean...
you don't have

to go if you don't
want to, do you?

I shall be quite all
right on my own.

Well, what else is there to do?

Sit around here, doing crosswords?

Well, it's getting on for seven.
Oughtn't you to be... you know?

I am waiting for you to go,
so that I can get dressed.

Hello.

I don't know why you
encourage that big nit.

Oh, he's nice.

I knew it was a
mistake coming here

with you. Anything in trousers.

Hark who's talking. Anyway,
he's not wearing trousers.

Do you mind if I sit next to you?

Not at all, Mr Blunt.

I feel you're the
only person I've got

anything in common
with on this trip.

Well, thank you very
much. It's very

nice of you to say so, Mrs Flange.

Good. Now I've heard everything.

Well, thank goodness
it's stopped raining.

Right. Everyone here,
Miss Plunkett?

Yes, I think so.

What about your wife?

Oh, that's all right.
She's not coming.

She... she has a headache.

Makes a change from
a pain in the neck.

Wait for me. Wait for me.

All right, driver. Off we go.

- Have they gone?
- Yes. Oh, I'm sorry, lady.

Oh, how dare they. Where
is Monsieur Pépé?

Not here. They have gone
out for the evening.

What am I going to do? How could

Stanley do this to
me? How could he?

Er... just a minute, lady, please.

You like?

Champagne?

Yeah. Make you feel
very good. Very happy.

Oh, no, I never...

Yes.

All right, I will.
Thank you, Giorgio.

Good.

Excuse me, mister. You like
postcards? Very interesting.

Oh, yes. Miss Plunkett.

Didn't you want one
for your mother?

Yes.

Thank... Oh. Oh.

Any good?

No, I'm afraid they're
quite unsuitable.

Oh, are they naughty?
Do let me see.

Certainly not.

You filthy beast. Be off with you.

I'm terribly sorry, Miss Plunkett.
I should have known better.

What can you do with
a man like that?

Nothing. But I know what you
can do with a man like me.

Mr Flange, may I remind you
you have your wife here?

Yeah. That's what you can
do with a man like me.

Oh, Bert, you mustn't.
It's much too expensive.

Nonsense. Here, let
me put it on for you.

Oh, thank you.

You've got to have
the bracelet, too.

Oh, no, I mustn't.

Oh, come on. Let me
put it on for you.

Oh, there you go.

- All right?
- It's beautiful.

You know, I could buy
everything here.

Oh, look at this lovely lace set.

Oh, very nice.

Here. Let me put it...

No, thanks. You've
bought me quite enough.

I wonder what this is.
Santa Cecilia's Elixir.

Oh, some local quack
medicine, I suppose.

Oh, no, sir. Is not
medicine. Is for I'amoura.

Pardon?

Liqueur... for making
plenty of passion.

Get away.

Yeah. You try, sir. Is good.

Drink it. Drink it.

Anything happened?

Oh. I wonder what that place is.

The one with the
red light outside.

Oh... er... I expect that's
the local fire station.

Well, there are girls in there.

Mm? Oh, I expect they're
the fire belles.

Oh, Stanley, you're so witty.

Oh. Look.

Woo-hoo.

Hello.

Come in. It's nice inside.

Come and have some fun.
Come on. Boy. Come in.

That was a delicious
meal, Giorgio. Perfect.

And for a perfectly
delicious lady.

Do you know, I'm glad I
missed that horrid bus now.

I too am glad.

♪ Romantic music ♪

May I, please?

Well, it's been some
time since I...

Yes, please.

Well, here we all are.
Everybody enjoying themselves?

No.

- Oh. Well, how about you?
- No.

Well, never mind. It's
the nightclub soon.

What have you done with my wife?

Me? I'm afraid I haven't
the foggiest idea.

Don't give me that. She's with
that twit Blunt, isn't she?

I really don't know, Mr Flange.

Oh, there's Miss Plunkett.
Perhaps she'll know.

- Miss Plunkett.
- Coming, Mr Farquhar.

Let's see. How many
more are we to come?

I'm not leaving without my wife.

Yes, all right, Mr
Flange. All right.

Dirty pig. You insult
my fine ladies.

We were only playing leapfrog.

Porco. Pig.

Oh, that settles it.

Charge.

Oh. No. Mr Tuttle.

- They'll kill him.
- We'd better get in there quick.

That's the best idea
I've heard today.

Wait for me.

Mr Tuttle's in there.

- What's going on?
- Oh, your husband's in there.

- What?
- With Mr Conway and Mr Tuttle.

Oh, well, he's coming
right out of there.

Put him down. Get off, will you?

If you please.

Nicholas. Nicholas, come
back. You'll get hurt.

Please. Let him go.

Oh, shove off. Rescue
somebody else.

Oh, get off.

Get off him.

No, come away. Listen,
dear. Come away.

Oh, dear. Oh.

Get off.

Excuse me.

Argh. No. Aargh.

Good morning, ladies
and gentlemen.

Please. Please.

One at a time, gentlemen. No?

Yes. Please, let me
handle this. All right?

It doesn't do to
antagonise these fellows.

Now, then, to start off with,
I feel I should point out

that we are all British subjects.

I know, and you have
my deepest sympathy.

Yes, quite. Well, I
don't want to make

an international
incident out of this.

That is most kind of you, sir.

But I must protest most strongly
about being detained in this way.

Naturally, sir.

I realise you were only doing
what you thought to be your duty,

and, provided you
release us immediately,

I think I can safely promise you
you will hear no more about it.

Oh, that is a most
kind gesture, sir.

I think we can safely make it.

And now I will show you that I too
can make an appropriate gesture.

Yes?

Damned filth.

How dare you? Do you
know what you just did?

Well, that is a fine old
British gesture, no?

You've tried my patience
too far. I know

about you people.
Give them a uniform,

and they go power mad.

Well, I'm not going to
bandy words with an

idiotic, jumped-up popinjay
like you any more.

I demand to see the
Chief of Police.

I am the Chief of Police.

You're doing well.

Let me try.

Chiefy.

We know we're in a
spot of bother, but

things can be
arranged, can't they?

Indeed, sir.

Well, just tell us the charges
and we'll sort something out.

With pleasure, sir.

You are charged with disturbing
the peace, damage to property,

and, most important
of all, assault

upon the girls of Madame Fifi,

thus resulting in a most
serious loss of business.

That's ridiculous. You know
very well they assaulted us.

Oh, indeed, sir?

Surely you don't doubt
our word against

that of an old boiler
that runs a bro...

er... broken-down boarding house?

Madame Fifi is my sister.

Pass. Next, please.

Let me have a go.

Oh, don't be ridiculous.
What can you do?

Well, at least I can be
a little cooperative.

Excuse me. Could I
have a word with you?

Oh, but of course.
Please go ahead.

It's rather personal. Is there
somewhere a little more private?

Mm, with pleasure.

This way, please.

12:30. She's been
gone for three hours.

Well, what could they do to her?

Oh, you don't know
these foreign police.

I knew a girl once.
They got her in

there and shaved all her hair off.

Well, I'm sure she's not
having it off... Or am I?

With the compliments of
the Chief of Police.

Hey, what a feast.

We're not getting out. Though.

With grub like this, who wants to?

Miss Plunkett. Are you all right?

Why, yes. I think so, Mr Farquhar.

You swine. What have
you been doing to her?

Don't tell him.

Do not worry, Mr Farquhar.

I wish to tell you that
you are free to go.

Don't you dare threaten me.
I'll... Free to...? Oh.

If you are prepared to
pay for the damages.

Then I am not going
to bring any charges.

Just when I was enjoying myself.

Welcoming back, ladies
and gentlemens.

Tonight I am making for
you great ravings-up,

for cheerings-up and
raising the low spirits.

No?

Erm... have you seen
my wife anywhere?

No, sirs.

Giorgio, you seeing Mrs Blunt?

Not since this morning.

Well, is our room key there?

Oh, no, sir. Is gone.

Giorgio, did you give it to her?

Not half, Papa.

"Liquera por I'amoura."
Let's have a go.

Oh, there you are, Stanley.

All right, all right.
I'll do all the talking.

It was all my fault. I told them
to leave without you last night,

and what's more, I'm
damn glad that I did it.

Oh, so am I, dear.
Have some champagne.

I don't care about... Champagne?

It's wonderful stuff, Stanley.

What are you talking about?
Didn't you hear what I said?

It was all my fault that
you were left behind.

All right, dear. I forgive you.

I don't want to be forgiven.

Then what do you want, dear?

I want to bloody well
assert my manhood.

Oh, splendid, Stanley.

All right, then.

What is it, dear?

I've forgotten what you do.

I'm furious. Absolutely
beside myself.

Yeah. Best place for you.

Look, I'm warning you, Nicholas.

If you take that little strumpet
to the party, I shall...

I shall take my ankle
bracelet back.

Besides, you've never worn it.

Oh, come on. We'll have some fun.

For the last time, Bert Conway,

will you please get
out of my room?

What's wrong? Why won't you
come to the party with me?

Because you only want
one thing from me.

That's not true. I'm quite
happy to have the lot.

Don't you understand? I don't want
just a quick roll in the hay.

I need something
that's going to last.

Who says it's not
going to last? We

don't go home till
tomorrow afternoon.

Get out. Get out.

- Get out.
- No, no...

- Don't you dare come back.
- No, I was just...

Can I believe my ears?

You see nothing wrong or sinful
in taking this girl to the party?

Well, I don't know if it's going
to be sinful until I try.

Isn't it enough that
you got into a fight

over her? You spent
the night in prison.

Oh, no, I want far more than that.

What?

Er... I mean... I...

I like her well enough
to... get married.

Brother Bernard...

aren't you forgetting?

You are promised to our order.

You are going to be
wedded to St Cecilia.

Yes, but from what I saw
of her in the tomb...

I don't think she'll
make a very good wife.

Carnival Night. Champagne punches.

Now he's the Richard
Burton of Elsbels.

Listen, Floella, Mamas. I only

trying to send them
home happilies.

We wanting them to
remember this holidays.

Oh, they'll remember
it, all right.

The only hotel with a night
in prison thrown in.

Is not my fault.

Getting on with the work,
and shutting cakehole.

♪ Cocktail music ♪

- Good evening.
- How do you do?

Well, well, the fun's
really started?

Oh. Ah, this is
splendid, isn't it?

Oh, Monsieur Pépé has really

surpassed himself
with this buffet.

Yeah. Pity none of it's eatable.

Oh, I don't know... Come,
come. It's really quite good.

Moira, dear, a lot depends on the

report they give
when they get back.

For goodness' sake, do
something to brighten it up.

Whoopee.

Oh, food. I could do with some,
after all that romping about.

- Vic, I think I'd like a roll.
- Great. Let's go upstairs.

- I mean a sausage roll.
- Oh.

Ladies and gentlemens,
champagne punchings.

Ho-ho. Helping selves.

Well, thank you, Monsieur
Pépé. What a splendid idea.

I'll get them. You
finish your sandwich.

Personally, I've always found
Scotland very exciting.

The swirl of the
kilt, the sporran.

Like to try the punch, love?

Oh, might as well, I suppose.

That's my girl.

- Is it any good?
- I bleeding hope so, mate.

Oooh.

Hello, Mr Tuttle. How
lovely to see you again.

Cor. It's nice to
see so much more of

you, Mrs Tomkins. May
I call you Sadie?

So...

Would you care for
a glass of punch?

Oh, I'd love some.

- I'll get it.
- Oh, thank you.

Ah, good evening, gentlemens.

Please, having good times,
and letting hairs down.

Maybe a little champagne
punchings, yes?

Oh, could we, Brother Martin,
as it's our last night?

Oh, well, perhaps it won't do
any harm. But only one, mind.

Thank you.

At least it might help to
wash down that wretched food.

Get stuffings.

- Sorry I'm late, love.
- It's all right.

Excuse me.

Do you mind?

Manners.

Manners yourself.

Thank you, Brother Paul.

All gone.

Don't tell me they
enjoy the party.

Enjoying it? It's
going like bombs.

♪ Latin American party music ♪

All right?

Hey. More champers. Good old Pépé.

Or is it Mario?

Is good punchings, yes?

Splendid. Splendid.

And while we're on the subject of
quality, I want you to know, Pépé,

this is without
doubt the crummiest

hotel I've ever stayed in.

Pépé. Pépé.

Pépé, come quick.

- What's the mattering with her?
- She sounds distressed.

She's probably tried
some of her own cooking.

Is eating like a pig.

All right, all right. Is coming.

She's tried her own cooking.

Don't try any of your cooking.

- What's the mattering? Mices?
- Look.

Santa Cecilia.

I say. You seem to
have sprung a leak.

I knew it was mistakes to
build on dry river beds.

No wonder company
getting land so cheap.

Don't just stand
there. Do somethings.

What can I doing?

Plug it. Oh, plug it.

Oh, I say, I say.
Watch the language.

I make like little boy in
Hollands. I sticking thing in.

Oh. He'll need an
awfully large thing.

That's it. I've done it.

I'm sure the little Dutch
boy didn't do it like that.

Oh, Monsieur Pépé, you're
wetting your trousers.

Wouldn't you in the
same situations?

Oh, come on, Stuart. We're
missing all the fun.

Oh, yes. Excuse us, Monsieur Pépé.

I'm sure we can rely on
you to keep your end up.

♪ Rolling home, rolling home ♪

- Hooray.
- Here.

Now give us 'Twas On
The Good Ship Venus.

I'm sorry, but I don't
know the music.

Oh, our lovely hostess.

- A drink for our hostess.
- I don't want drink, thank you.

Nonsense. You must have a drink.

Everybody must have a
drink with Floella.

Hear, hear.

Phew, it's hot.

Would you like to go onto
the terrace for some air?

Ooh, that's a good idea.

♪ Romantic music ♪

Ah, come on.

Stopping the music.
Stopping the musics.

Helpings. Not dancing. Helpings.

Please, helping, someone.

- What?
- Doh.

Giorgio. Giorgio, help. The water
is getting underneath the...

- Please. We were talking.
- Sorries.

- Now, where was I?
- About your 'amsters.

Oh, yes, 'amsters. No. Hamsters.

You'd never believe it,
but... 11 times in one night.

Is unbelievable.

Oh, yes, it is. But you see,
they're always escaping.

I say, if I were to tell you...

Please, Mr Conways. I am
worried about the foundations.

Oh, that's all right.
She's not wearing any.

No, no, in case they
are falling out.

Oh, don't you worry, son. If
they do, I'll stuff 'em back in.

Why is nobody listening?

Mr Blunts, you look like a man
who is ready to do somethings.

Funny you should say that. I
was just telling the wife.

Oh, Stanley. He's trying to get
me upstairs, Monsieur Pépé.

No, no, I show you.
On the kitchen floor.

I say, steady on, old chap.
Remember, we're British.

I don't know, though. Wow.

Oh.

Oh. Please, Mr Flange,
you coming with me.

- Where to?
- We're having a leak.

I don't want one.

No, we're having one
below. I show it to you.

- He doesn't want to see it.
- You're mad. Crazy.

I always knew he was a flash type.

Ah, Mr Farki-Hars.

Ah, Monsieur Pépé.
Enjoying yourself?

Oh, yes, I'm having a smashing
time. I'm having a ball.

Oh, I'm not doing
so badly, myself.

Mr Farki-Hars, you should
be going upstairs.

Don't be disgusting.

Oh, I think it's a wonderful idea.

Oh, I'm not standing
any more. All you

English ever thinking
about is sex.

Oh. Nonsense.

What's that? Excusings.

These foreigners. They're
so damned excitable.

They're mad.

How about it? Shall
we go upstairs?

Why not?

Helps.

You mads.

- Good night, old boy.
- Good night. Goodbyes.

He's drunk again.

Well, now, Monsieur Pépé.

What was it you wanted
to talk to me about?

Oh, Mr Tuttles, thank you
very much. Thank you. Help.

How about it, love?
Want a nightcap?

No, thanks. I couldn't
take another drop.

Right. Let's go upstairs.

I say, old chap. Do
you need any help?

Help? Why should I need helpings?

I'm having funs.

I say, Stanley. There's a hole.

So there is. That's bad, isn't it?

No, no, not to
worrying. It's mices.

We having very big mices here.

- I think we'd better go to bed.
- That's a rather good idea.

Monsieur Pépé, I may have
to complain about this.

They didn't tell us
that you had mices.

Yes, all right. You
complaining about the

mices... and the whole
hotel is falling down.

Can we go up now, Bert?
It's been a lovely evening.

Might as well. Things seem
to be breaking up, anyway.

Open the windows, love, and
let's get a bit of air.

Right. That's a good
idea. Won't be long.

I forgot.

They put the bloody glass in.

It's going to be a bit
of a tight squeeze.

Room for one on top?

Standing room only.

Oh, God. I give up.

No, no. Come on.

You're not getting off
the hook that easily.

Oh. Oh.

Oh, it's all right,
Bert. You can come in.

Jings. What's going on out there?

Bert? Are you all right?

Fine. Just fine.

Oh, do hurry up, darling.

Coming.

Stand by to repel boarders.

That does it. Everybody out.
Everyone out. Abandoning hotel.

Evacuating. Everybody leaving.

Abandon the hotel. Leaving.

Out. Out. Out.

I don't know where we are.
I can't see where we are.

Where the hell are we?

Cor. Get off.

- How do you do?
- Hello, Harry. Usual?

Yes, please. Here, I
know what I meant

to ask. How did the holiday go?

Oh, great. Went with a bang. Had a
smashing time, didn't we, love?

Yes, I can honestly say I've
never had one quite like it.

- What... what's the joke, then?
- Private.

Oh, hey, private. Cheers.

Yee-agh. Wey.

Could I have another
one, please? Thank you.

Ha-ha. Well, here we are, then.

Come on in.

- Hello, my darling.
- Hello. Isn't he here, Vic?

Of course he is. I promised
to look after him. Stu.

- Somebody to see you.
- Oh, you.

Moira.

Right, well, what's
it to be, then?

I'll tell you what. Champagne cup.

And put a drop of
this in it, will you?

Oh, what a wonderful idea.

Oh, no. Lock all the doors.

Time. Gentlemen. Please.