Bye Bye Birdie (1995) - full transcript

Rock-and-roll icon Conrad Birdie is about to go into the Army, and plans are being made to arrange his final going-away concert.

YOU'RE GIVING UP THE SCREAM?

WHEN CONRAD BIRDIE SINGS ON TELEVISION,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO...

( screams )

- ( screaming ) - ( music playing )

MY GOD!

- NO! - NO!

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO ♪

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO? ♪



♪ NO MORE SUNSHINE

♪ IT'S FOLLOWED YOU AWAY ♪

♪ I'LL CRY, BIRDIE

♪ TILL YOU'RE HOME TO STAY ♪

♪ I'LL MISS THE WAY YOU SMILE ♪

♪ AS THOUGH IT'S JUST FOR ME ♪

♪ AND EACH AND EVERY NIGHT ♪

♪ I'LL WRITE YOU FAITHFULLY ♪

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ IT'S AWFUL HARD TO BEAR ♪

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ GUESS I'LL ALWAYS CARE. ♪

( siren wailing )

( elevator bell rings )



THE MOST RIDICULOUS THING I'VE EVER HEARD.

( muttering )

( typewriter clicking )

MORNING, MR. PETERSON.

MORNING, MARY.

WELL, IN TWO WEEKS, CONRAD BIRDIE,

THE BIGGEST ROCK AND ROLL TEEN IDOL

THIS COUNTRY HAS EVER SEEN,

IS GOING IN THE ARMY!

THEY JUST DENIED OUR SECOND APPEAL.

WOULD YOU STOP THAT AND LISTEN TO ME?

THIS COULD BE THE END OF THE ALMAELOU MUSIC CORPORATION.

ROSE, DID YOU HEAR WHAT I JUST SAID?

WHAT IS THAT?

MY RESIGNATION.

MY PILLS. WHERE ARE MY PILLS--

THE LITTLE WHITE ONES?

NOT A WHOLE ONE! BREAK IT IN HALF!

YOU'RE 39 YEARS OLD, ALBERT.

YOU CAN TAKE A WHOLE ASPIRIN.

HOW CAN YOU RESIGN AT A TIME LIKE THIS?

MY MIND IS MADE UP, ALBERT.

AS YOU KNOW, I'VE BEEN WITH ALMAELOU FOR EIGHT YEARS.

I'VE BEEN MORE THAN JUST A SECRETARY TO YOU.

OH, I GET IT NOW.

YOU WANT A RAISE.

WRONG! YOU KNOW WHAT I WANT, ALBERT.

ROSIE, IF YOU'RE REFERRING

TO ANYTHING OF A MORE PERMANENT NATURE...

WELL, I'M JUST NOT READY FOR IT.

BESIDES, THERE ARE RELIGIOUS DIFFERENCES.

SPANISH IS NOT A RELIGION.

IF IT'S PART OF THE COMPANY YOU'RE AFTER,

THE ANSWER IS NO TO THAT TOO!

ALMAELOU IS ME, MOMMA AND LOU.

ANY CHANGE WOULD KILL THAT WONDERFUL WOMAN THAT BORE ME!

NOTHING COULD KILL YOUR MOTHER, AL, EXCEPT A SILVER BULLET.

AND I WON'T DROP POOR OLD LOU, EITHER.

HE LOVED YOU, ROSE.

OH, I LOVED LOU TOO.

SURE, HE WAS WARM, HE WAS LOYAL, HE WAS LOVABLE.

BUT HE DIED SIX YEARS AGO.

BESIDES, HE WAS A WIRE-HAIRED TERRIER!

ANYHOW, I DON'T WANT A PART OF THE COMPANY!

THIS IS SOMETHING MUCH MORE IMPORTANT!

YOU'RE GONNA DISCUSS WHAT I THINK YOU ARE,

I'M IN NO MOOD TO DISCUSS IT!

THERE'S NOTHING TO DISCUSS. CONRAD BIRDIE'S GOING INTO THE ARMY AND I QUIT!

YOU CAN GIVE UP THE BUSINESS, GO BACK TO COLLEGE.

ROSE, I AM UP TO MY EARS IN DEBT!

CONRAD BIRDIE HAS A $50,000 GUARANTEE

WHICH I CAN'T PAY,

AND I HAVE JUST TAKEN A SEVERE OVERDOSE OF ASPIRIN.

ALBERT, THIS MAY BE YOUR VERY LAST CHANCE.

WILL YOU LISTEN TO ME, ALBERT?

I'M SERIOUS.

♪ HIS GOING IN THE ARMY IS THE BEST THING HE COULD DO ♪

♪ NOW YOU'RE FREE TO START TO DO WHAT YOU WANTED TO ♪

♪ ALBERT, ALBERT, ALBERT! ♪

♪ I REMEMBER HOW YOU TOLD ME I SHOULD TRUST YOU FOR A YEAR ♪

♪ IT WOULD JUST BE FOR A YEAR ♪

♪ BUT IT'S EIGHT YEARS, ALBERT ♪

♪ EIGHT LONG YEARS, ALBERT... ♪

IT TAKES TIME TO BUILD A BUSINESS, ROSIE.

♪ IT WAS ONLY A SIDELINE, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ♪

♪ YOU JUST NEEDED SOME MONEY, THAT'S WHAT YOU SAID ♪

♪ YOU WERE GOING TO COLLEGE AND GET AHEAD ♪

♪ INSTEAD OF BEING A MUSIC-BUSINESS BUM ♪

♪ YOU WERE GOING TO N.Y.U. AND BECOME... ♪

DON'T SAY IT, ROSIE.

AN ENGLISH TEACHER!

AND FURTHERMORE, YOU WROTE POETRY. IN THE N.Y.U. YEARBOOK,

UNDER ALBERT PETERSON'S FAVORITE PIECE OF LITERATURE--

YOU WANT TO KNOW WHAT IT SAYS? "LITTLE WOMEN."

♪ AN ENGLISH TEACHER

♪ AN ENGLISH TEACHER

♪ IF ONLY YOU'D BEEN AN ENGLISH TEACHER ♪

♪ WE'D HAVE A LITTLE APARTMENT IN QUEENS ♪

♪ YOU'D GET A SUMMER VACATION ♪

♪ AND WE WOULD KNOW WHAT LIFE MEANS ♪

♪ A MAN WHO'S GOT HIS MASTER'S ♪

♪ IS REALLY SOMEONE

♪ HOW PROUD I'D BE IF YOU HAD BECOME ONE ♪

♪ IT COULD HAVE BEEN SUCH A WONDERFUL LIFE ♪

♪ I COULD HAVE BEEN MRS. PETERSON ♪

♪ MRS. ALBERT PETERSON

♪ MRS. "PHI BETA KAPPA" PETERSON ♪

♪ THE ENGLISH TEACHER'S WIFE. ♪

ROSIE, I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

STAY WITH ME.

HELP ME GET THE MONEY TO PAY CONRAD'S GUARANTEE,

AND I PROMISE AS SOON AS I'M OUT OF THE RED

I WILL DISSOLVE THIS COMPANY

AND GO BACK TO THE ACADEMIC LIFE.

ALBERT, YOU'RE ON.

OH, ROSIE, THAT'S GREAT.

IT MAY TAKE ME A WHILE, BUT I'M SURE BY 1973--

- PICK A NAME. - PICK A NAME?

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

NEVER MIND. I'LL PICK ONE FOR YOU.

MacAFEE. KIM MacAFEE.

PRESIDENT AND RECORDING SECRETARY,

CONRAD BIRDIE FAN CLUB NUMBER 2748,

SWEET APPLE, OHIO.

MARY, GET ME SWEET APPLE, OHIO,

- CAPITOL 7820. - RIGHT.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? WHO'S THIS KIM MacFRACKETY?

MacAFEE, ALBERT. KIM MacAFEE IS GONNA SEND YOU BACK TO COLLEGE

WITH THE BIGGEST HIT SONG THIS INDUSTRY HAS EVER HEARD.

IT'S CALLED... "ONE LAST KISS."

- I NEVER HEARD OF IT. - YOU HAVEN'T WRITTEN IT YET.

BUT WHEN YOU DO, AND WHEN THAT ONE LAST KISS IS FROM CONRAD

ON HIS WAY INTO THE BIG, COLD ARMY FOR TWO LONG YEARS,

AND HE GIVES THAT KISS TO ONE OF HIS FANS--

CHOSEN AT RANDOM FROM 1,200,000

SCREAMING, HYSTERICAL TEENAGERS,

IT'LL MAKE MR. BIRDIE THE HOTTEST SOLDIER SINCE JOAN OF ARC!

I'M BEGINNING TO GET THE POINT.

WE CUT THE RECORD HERE IN NEW YORK--

TAKE CONRAD BIRDIE TO SWEET APPLE--

LET HIM KISS THIS KIM--

THEN RELEASE THE RECORD!

YOU'LL MAKE ENOUGH TO STAY IN COLLEGE THE REST OF YOUR LIFE!

ROSIE, YOU'RE WONDERFUL!

I PROMISE, THE MINUTE THIS IS SETTLED,

IT'LL JUST BE THE TWO OF US TOGETHER IN PERFECT BLISS.

I'LL GET A JOB TEACHING ENGLISH AND...

BLISS. KISS.

THAT RHYMES.

WONDER IF ANYONE'S EVER USED IT BEFORE?

WHAT DIFFERENCE DOES IT MAKE?

IT'LL BE PERFECT FOR THE SONG.

♪ OH-- OH, ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ IT REALLY IS SUCH BLISS ♪

♪ OUR LIPS WILL NEVER MISS ♪

♪ JUST TURN YOUR HEAD LIKE THIS. ♪

- Mary: ROSIE, ALL THE LINES ARE BUSY. - NOT BAD.

EVERY PHONE IN SWEET APPLE CAN'T BE BUSY.

- WHAT'S GOING ON THERE? - ( humming )

Rose: KIM MacAFEE JUST GOT PINNED? TO WHO?

WHOM.

( telephones ringing )

♪ HI, NANCY

♪ HI, HELEN

♪ WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE TALE, NIGHTINGALE? ♪

♪ TELL ME QUICK ABOUT HUGO AND KIM ♪

♪ HI, MARGIE

♪ HI, ALICE

♪ WHAT'S THE STORY, MORNING GLORY? ♪

♪ WHAT'S THE WORD, HUMMINGBIRD? ♪

♪ HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT HUGO AND KIM? ♪

♪ DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED?

♪ DID SHE KISS HIM AND CRY? ♪

♪ DID HE PIN THE PIN ON? ♪

♪ OR WAS HE TOO SHY?

- ♪ I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED - ♪ YEAH, YEAH

- ♪ I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD - ♪ UH-HUH

- ♪ THEY'RE LIVING AT LAST - ♪ HE'S GONE

- ♪ GOING STEADY FOR GOOD - ♪ HELLO, MR. MERKLE

♪ THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON

♪ CAN I SPEAK TO URSULA, PLEASE? ♪

- ♪ IS IT TRUE ABOUT KIM? - URSULA?

- ♪ I KNEW IT SOMEHOW... - ABOUT OUR DATE...

- ♪ I MUST CALL HER RIGHT UP... ♪ - Saturday?

♪ I CAN'T TALK TO YOU NOW! ♪

- ♪ GOING STEADY - ♪ YOU KNOW IT, MAN

- ♪ GOING STEADY - ♪ IT'S CRAZY, MAN

- ♪ GOING STEADY - ♪ YOU KNOW IT

♪ IT WON'T LAST

♪ NOT A PRAYER

♪ SHE'S TOO COOL

♪ HE'S TOO SQUARE

♪ HELLO, MRS. MILLER, THIS IS HARVEY JOHNSON ♪

♪ CAN I SPEAK TO DEBRA SUE? ♪

♪ HIYA, HUGO

♪ Hiya, stupid

♪ What ya wanna go get pinned for? ♪

- ♪ I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED - ♪ HEY, YA MEATHEAD

- ♪ I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD - ♪ Lost your marbles?

- ♪ THEY'RE LIVING AT LAST - ♪ Are ya nutty?

- ♪ GOING STEADY FOR-- - ♪ HELLO, MRS. GARFEIN...

IS CHARITY HOME FROM SCHOOL YET?

- ♪ DID THEY REALLY GET PINNED? ♪ - ♪ SHE SAW HIM

- ♪ I WAS HOPING THEY WOULD - ♪ SHE DUG HIM

- ♪ GOING STEADY - ♪ SHE NAILED HIM

♪ YA GOTTA GO, THAT'S THE WAY TO GO ♪

Men: ♪ WHEN THEY GOT YOU HOOKED ♪

♪ THEN YOU'RE REALLY COOKED ♪

♪ WHAT YA GONNA DO? WHAT YA GONNA DO? ♪

- ♪ I HEARD THEY GOT PINNED - ♪ OH, MAN

- ♪ I WAS THINKING THEY WOULD - ♪ OH, MAN

♪ NOW THEY'RE LIVING AT LAST, GOING STEADY FOR GOOD ♪

- ♪ GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY - ♪ AH-OOH, AH-OOH

♪ STEADY FOR GOOD, GOING STEADY ♪

♪ GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD ♪

♪ HE'S IN LOVE WITH KIM ♪

♪ KIM'S IN LOVE WITH HIM ♪

♪ GOING STEADY, GOING STEADY ♪

♪ DO TELL

♪ WELL, WELL, DO TELL ♪

- ♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ♪ - ♪ OH, YEAH

- ♪ THEY'LL BE HAPPY, I KNOW - ♪ OH, YEAH

- ♪ GOING STEADY'S FOR ME - ♪ OH, YEAH

- ♪ THAT'S THE WAY YOU SHOULD GO ♪ - ♪ GOING STEADY...

♪ GOING STEADY, STEADY FOR GOOD ♪

( repeating ) ♪ GOING STEADY...

♪ OHHHH, YEAH!

OH, YEAH!

( telephone ringing )

I'LL GET IT!

HELLO?

KIM MacAFEE, WHAT DO YOU MEAN YOU'RE RESIGNING FROM THE FAN CLUB?

JUST BECAUSE HUGO PEABODY GAVE YOU HIS PIN

DOESN'T MEAN YOU HAVE TO RETIRE FROM ALL SOCIAL LIFE.

GOING STEADY IS VERY IMPORTANT,

but some things are more important than very important.

The Conrad Birdie Fan Club is one of them.

KIM, WHERE ELSE CAN WE GIRLS GATHER

TO WORSHIP SUCH A WONDERFUL CREATURE?

DO YOU REALIZE WHAT YOU WOULD BE GIVING UP, KIM?

I'M SORRY, URSULA, BUT I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

OF COURSE, I'LL STILL PLAY HIS RECORDS,

BUT THINGS LIKE THE PLEDGE

AND THE SCREAM ARE PAST ME NOW.

YOU'RE GIVING UP THE SCREAM?

WHEN CONRAD BIRDIE SINGS ON TELEVISION,

YOU'RE NOT GOING TO GO...

( screams )

OH, KIM!

Woman: KIM, DEAR?

YES, MOTHER?

WOULD YOU PLEASE GET OFF THE PHONE?

I HAVE SOME CALLS TO MAKE.

I'M SORRY, URSULA, I HAVE TO GET OFF THE PHONE.

YOU'LL EXPLAIN EVERYTHING TO THE OTHER KIDS?

WELL, I SUPPOSE I HAVE TO.

OH, KIM, ARE YOU SURE?

I MEAN, REALLY, KIM.

I MEAN, AFTER ALL, ARE YOU ABSOLUTELY SURE?

I'M POSITIVE. IT'S TIME I SETTLED DOWN.

( sighs )

BYE, KIM.

BYE.

♪ WHEN YOU'RE A SKINNY CHILD OF 15 ♪

♪ WIRED WITH BRACES FROM EAR TO EAR ♪

♪ YOU DOUBT THAT YOU COULD EVER BE APPEALING ♪

♪ THEN, HALLELUJAH, YOU'RE 17 ♪

♪ AND THE BRACES DISAPPEAR ♪

♪ AND YOUR SKIN IS SMOOTH AND CLEAR ♪

♪ AND YOU HAVE THAT HAPPY GROWN-UP FEMALE FEELING ♪

♪ HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN ♪

♪ THE WAIT WAS WELL WORTHWHILE ♪

♪ HOW LOVELY TO WEAR MASCARA ♪

♪ AND SMILE A WOMAN'S SMILE ♪

♪ HOW LOVELY TO HAVE A FIGURE ♪

♪ THAT'S ROUND INSTEAD OF FLAT ♪

♪ WHENEVER YOU HEAR BOYS WHISTLE ♪

♪ YOU'RE WHAT THEY'RE WHISTLING AT ♪

♪ IT'S WONDERFUL TO FEEL ♪

♪ THE WAY A WOMAN FEELS ♪

♪ IT GIVES YOU SUCH A GLOW ♪

♪ JUST TO KNOW

♪ YOU'RE WEARING LIPSTICK AND HEELS ♪

♪ HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN ♪

♪ AND HAVE ONE JOB TO DO ♪

♪ TO PICK OUT A BOY AND TRAIN HIM ♪

♪ AND THEN WHEN YOU ARE THROUGH ♪

♪ YOU'VE MADE HIM THE MAN YOU WANT HIM TO BE ♪

♪ LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN ♪

♪ LIKE ME

♪ HOW WONDERFUL TO KNOW

♪ THE THINGS A WOMAN KNOWS ♪

♪ HOW MARVELOUS TO WAIT

♪ FOR A DATE

♪ IN SIMPLY BEAUTIFUL CLOTHES ♪

♪ HOW LOVELY TO BE A WOMAN ♪

♪ AND CHANGE FROM BOYS TO MEN ♪

♪ TO GO TO A FANCY NIGHT CLUB ♪

♪ AND STAY OUT AFTER 10

♪ HOW LOVELY TO BE SO GROWN-UP AND FREE ♪

♪ LIFE'S LOVELY WHEN YOU'RE A WOMAN ♪

♪ LIKE ME.

( music playing )

Announcer: Robert Young...

and Jane Wyatt...

with Elinor Donahue, Billy Gray,

- and Lauren Chapin... - ( telephone ringing )

in "Father Knows Best."

Man on TV: Don't come down the stairs like that, Bud,

you sound like an elephant wearing golf shoes.

- ( ringing continuing ) - Bud: Hello? Oh, hi, Joe.

No matter what it is you want, I can't do it.

Sounds great, but I can't go.

I'll ask my dad, but it's no use.

- HELLO? - Father: How do you know it's no use?

You shouldn't make up your mind in advance.

You make me sound like your jailer instead of your father.

Can I go with the fellas on our scooters to the quarry?

KIM, IT'S FOR YOU.

THE OPERATOR SAYS SHE'S BEEN TRYING TO GET THROUGH FOR THREE-QUARTERS OF AN HOUR.

- THANK YOU, DORIS. - SHE SAID IT WAS LONG DISTANCE--

- WHAT DID YOU SAY? - I SAID, "THANK YOU, DORIS."

- GREAT. - HELLO?

YES, THIS IS SHE.

YES, I'LL WAIT.

THERE'S NO NEED TO BE UPSET.

IT'S MODERN TO CALL YOUR MOTHER BY HER FIRST NAME.

MAKES MOTHER AND DAUGHTER FEEL MORE LIKE PALS.

- Doris: AND YOUR FATHER? - I'LL CALL HIM HARRY, NATURALLY.

BY THE WAY, I THINK HARRY TOOK THE NEWS

ABOUT HUGO AND I AWFULLY WELL.

I DON'T KNOW. YESTERDAY, I WAS A MOTHER.

TODAY, I'M A PAL.

COULDN'T YOU CALL ME MOM? THAT'S MODERN.

I'M SORRY. TIMES ARE CHANGING.

YOU'VE GOT TO GO ALONG, OR YOU'RE GONNA BE

LEFT BEHIND WITH THE OLD FOLKS.

YES, I HEARD WHAT YOU SAID.

CONRAD BIRDIE IS COMING HERE TO KISS ME.

THANK YOU SO MUCH. BYE-BYE.

Boy on TV: So long.

Girl: Bye.

Kim: DORIS?

MOMMY?!

MOMMA!

- WHAT IS IT? - IT'S CONRAD BIRDIE.

HE'S GOING TO KISS ME!

OH. THAT'S NICE, DEAR.

NO, MOMMY, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S CONRAD BIRDIE--

HE'S COMING HERE TO SWEET APPLE!

HE'S GOING TO KISS ME GOODBYE!

OH, MOMMY!

MOMMY!

I NEVER THOUGHT I'D SAY THIS,

BUT GOD BLESS CONRAD BIRDIE.

WELL, IT'S ABOUT TIME.

- WHAT'S THE EMERGENCY? - WAIT TILL EVERYONE GETS HERE.

- WHAT'S UP? - I'LL TELL YOU IN A MINUTE.

Both: WHAT'S GOING ON? WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?

TAKE A DEEP BREATH AND I'LL TELL YOU.

- ( inhaling together ) - IT'S ABOUT CONRAD BIRDIE.

( screaming )

HE'S COMING HERE IN PERSON.

- TO SWEET APPLE?! - OH, MY GOD!

- ASK ME WHY. - Girls: WHY?!

HE'S GOING TO KISS KIM MacAFEE GOODBYE

BEFORE HE GOES INTO THE ARMY.

- KIM? HOW COME? - SHE WAS CHOSEN.

- OH, MY GOD! - THAT LUCKY DUCK!

WE'LL GET TO SEE HIM, MAYBE EVEN GET TO MEET HIM.

IF HE SAID HELLO TO ME, I'D PASS OUT!

I WOULDN'T KNOW WHAT TO SAY TO HIM!

HOW ABOUT, "HAVE A NICE TIME IN THE ARMY"?

I DON'T THINK THEY DO.

- WHAT WOULD YOU SAY? - I DON'T KNOW.

- YOU KNOW WHAT I'D SAY? - WHAT?

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ I'M GONNA MISS YOU SO

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ WHY'D YOU HAVE TO GO?

♪ NO MORE SUNSHINE

♪ IT'S FOLLOWED YOU AWAY

♪ I'LL CRY, BIRDIE

♪ TILL YOU'RE HOME TO STAY ♪

♪ I'LL MISS THE WAY YOU SMILE ♪

♪ AS THOUGH IT'S JUST FOR ME ♪

♪ AND EVERY SINGLE NIGHT

♪ I'LL WRITE YOU FAITHFULLY ♪

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ IT'S AWFUL HARD TO BEAR ♪

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ GUESS I'LL ALWAYS CARE

♪ WE'RE GONNA MISS HIM TERRIBLY ♪

♪ IT'S GONNA BE REAL TOUGH ♪

♪ TO EASE THE PAIN

♪ OF COURSE WE'VE GOT

♪ A LOT OF BIRDIE STUFF ♪

♪ LIKE MY BIRDIE SWEATS, I WEAR THEM DAY AND NIGHT ♪

♪ THEY'RE REALLY OUTTA SIGHT ♪

♪ MY BIRDIE COLA COMFORTS ME AT ALL MY SODA BREAKS ♪

- ♪ AT EVERY BREAKFAST TIME, I MUNCH MY BIRDIE FLAKES... ♪ - ME, TOO!

♪ THE PLASTIC BIRDIE STATUETTES ♪

♪ ARE REALLY WORKS OF ART ♪

♪ I WEAR MY BIRDIE TRAINING BRA ♪

♪ TO KEEP HIM NEAR MY HEART ♪

♪ HERE ON MY CALENDAR I'VE MARKED THE FATEFUL DAY ♪

♪ WHEN HE'LL REPORT TO UNCLE SAM ♪

♪ AND BRAVELY MARCH AWAY... ♪

All: OHH!

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ THE ARMY'S GOT YOU NOW ♪

♪ I'LL TRY, BIRDIE

♪ TO GO ON SOMEHOW

♪ I SIGH, BIRDIE

♪ EACH TIME YOU MOVE THOSE LIPS ♪

♪ I DIE, BIRDIE

♪ WHEN YOU TWIST THOSE HIPS ♪

( shrieks )

♪ YOU REALLY TURN ME ON ♪

♪ I'M LIKE A SAVAGE BEAST ♪

♪ THE ARMY SHOULD MAKE YOU A GENERAL AT LEAST... ♪

OH, YEAH!

♪ BYE BYE, BIRDIE

♪ DO WHAT YOU HAVE TO DO ♪

♪ COME BACK, BIRDIE

♪ I WILL WAIT FOR YOU ♪

♪ WE'LL BE HERE FOR YOU. ♪

( sobbing )

Man on PA: Porter to track number six.

Porter to track number six.

Your attention, please--

train number 99, southeast service to Miami

via Washington, Richmond, Norfolk, Wilmington...

GIRLS, GATHER 'ROUND. WE HAVE TO REHEARSE THE CONRAD BIRDIE THEME SONG

BEFORE THE REPORTERS GET HERE, ALL RIGHT?

NICE AND WIDE. ( hums )

RIGHT ABOUT THERE. READY? AND...

♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES, WE DO ♪

♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE ♪

- THAT'S RIGHT. - ♪ OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU.

- WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU? - I'M SAD...

BECAUSE CONRAD BIRDIE IS GOING INTO THE ARMY.

I'LL BE TOO OLD FOR HIM WHEN HE GETS OUT.

I THINK YOU STILL HAVE A FEW GOOD YEARS LEFT.

COME ON, THINGS CAN'T BE THAT BLACK.

LITTLE GIRL, THIS IS AN ADULT SPEAKING.

I ORDER YOU TO SMILE!

HEH HEH!

PLEASE?

♪ GRAY SKIES ARE GONNA CLEAR UP ♪

♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪

♪ BRUSH OFF THE CLOUDS AND CHEER UP ♪

♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

♪ TAKE OFF THE GLOOMY MASK OF TRAGEDY ♪

♪ IT'S NOT YOUR STYLE

♪ YOU'LL LOOK SO GOOD THAT YOU'LL BE GLAD ♪

♪ YOU DECIDED TO SMILE

♪ PICK OUT A PLEASANT OUTLOOK ♪

♪ STICK OUT THAT NOBLE CHIN ♪

♪ WIPE OFF THAT FULL-OF-DOUBT LOOK ♪

♪ SLAP ON A HAPPY GRIN

♪ AND SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪

♪ JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE ♪

♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

♪ PUT ON A HAPPY FACE

♪ AND IF YOU'RE FEELING CROSS AND BICKERISH ♪

♪ DON'T SIT AND WHINE ♪

♪ THINK OF BANANA SPLITS AND LICORICE ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL FEEL FINE

♪ I KNEW A GIRL SO GLOOMY ♪

♪ SHE'D NEVER LAUGH OR SING... ♪

( laughs )

♪ SHE WOULDN'T LISTEN TO ME ♪

♪ NOW SHE'S A MEAN OLD THING ♪

♪ SO SPREAD SUNSHINE ALL OVER THE PLACE ♪

♪ JUST PUT ON A HAPPY FACE. ♪

( applause )

Man on PA: Your attention, please.

train number 463...

ROSIE!

WHAT ARE YOU DOING?

CARRYING OUR LUGGAGE WITH NO HELP FROM YOU, ALBERT.

I DON'T SUPPOSE A GENEROUS TIP WOULD HELP?

WE'VE GOT TO GET TO THOSE REPORTERS BEFORE THEY GET TO CONRAD.

- WAIT, I CAN'T GO. - WHY NOT?

I HAVE TO WAIT FOR MOMMA.

YOU HAVEN'T TOLD HER ABOUT DISSOLVING ALMAELOU YET?

I COULDN'T, ROSE.

YESTERDAY WAS THE ANNIVERSARY.

- OF WHAT? - LOU.

SIX YEARS AGO, HE WAS HIT ON 181st STREET AND BROADWAY

BY A LOADED BEER TRUCK.

Woman: YOO-HOO!

GEE, YOU SUPPOSE THAT COULD BE MOMMA?

- IT'S EITHER HER OR THE ALL CLEAR. - SONNY BOY!

MOMMA! OH!

MOMMA, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

DON'T WORRY ABOUT ME, SONNY BOY.

I'M JUST A LITTLE FAINT FROM THE SUBWAY.

MOMMA, I TOLD YOU TO TAKE A TAXI.

TAXIS. WHAT DO I NEED WITH TAXIS?

I'LL LEAVE THE TAXIS FOR MY SUCCESSFUL SON.

A MOTHER CAN RIDE CROWDED IN A DIRTY SUBWAY FULL OF FOREIGN PEOPLE

WHO WOULDN'T GIVE YOU A SEAT IF YOUR LIFE DEPENDED ON IT.

BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE?

NOWADAYS, A MOTHER IS LOWER THAT DIRT ANYWAY.

SO HERE'S THE MONEY THAT I SAVED

FROM NOT TAKING THE TAXI.

BUY SOME CANDY WITH IT.

WHO IS SHE?

MOMMA, YOU REMEMBER ROSE ALVAREZ FROM THE OFFICE?

THIS IS ROSE ALVAREZ?

PRETTY LITTLE ROSE ALVAREZ? I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

ROSE, WHAT HAPPENED?

YOU HAD A SUDDEN SHOCK OR SOMETHING?

ALBERT.

LOOK AT HER, SONNY BOY, HOW NICE SHE LOOKS.

IT'S A WONDER SOME OLDER MAN DOESN'T SNATCH HER OFF.

WHAT A CATCH YOU'D BE FOR A CONVALESCENT.

- GOODBYE, ROSE. - GOODBYE, MAE.

CALL ME MRS. PETERSON.

ALBERT!

MOMMA, WHAT I WANTED TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT

ACTUALLY INVOLVES ROSE.

( clears throat ) MAYBE YOU SHOULD SIT DOWN, MOMMA.

WHY? I KNOW MY SONNY BOY. HE LOVES HIS MOMMA.

HE ISN'T GOING TO SAY ANYTHING THAT'D BREAK HER HEART.

GO AHEAD, DEAR. WHAT ABOUT, UH...

- ROSE. - ROSE?

- IT'S ABOUT LOU, TOO. - LOU!

LOU!

WHERE ARE YOU, LOU?

STRUCK DOWN BY A BEVERAGE

I CONSUMED FAITHFULLY FOR 32 YEARS.

WHAT ABOUT LOU?

WELL, MOMMA...

ROSE FEELS, AND I AGREE,

THAT MAYBE I SHOULD GIVE UP ALMAELOU.

- OH! - WHAT'S THE MATTER, MOMMA?

NOTHING IS THE MATTER. YOU KILLED ME, THAT'S ALL.

LOU, I'M COMING! I'M ON MY WAY UP!

MOMMA, YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND.

IT'S JUST ROSE-- NEVER MIND.

TAKE THE MONEY AND TAKE A TAXI.

THE SUBWAY IS TOO CROWDED!

NOTHING IS TOO CROWDED FOR A MOTHER.

I'LL GO DURING THE RUSH HOUR. THAT'S THE WORST TIME.

WAIT A MINUTE. HOW MANY BLOCKS IS IT?

ONLY 107? I'LL WALK.

ENJOY YOURSELF, SON. TAKE CARE.

WEAR YOUR HEAVY COAT.

BE CAREFUL CROSSING THE STREET.

KEEP YOUR MONEY IN YOUR INSIDE POCKET.

AND, UH, WEAR YOUR RUBBERS.

AND, UH...

EAT A HOT LUNCH.

Girl: HE'S HERE! HE'S HERE!

CONRAD BIRDIE'S HERE!

( girls screaming )

Man on PA: Your attention, please.

Announcing the departure of train number 314,

express deluxe service

to Scranton, Pittsburgh, Wheeling, Columbus,

with connections to Zanesville,

Sweet Apple and Moundsville,

now departing, track number five.

All aboard!

HOW ABOUT ANSWERING A COUPLE OF QUESTIONS, CONRAD?

- SURE. - HOW DO YOU FEEL ABOUT GOING INTO THE ARMY?

HOW DOES HE FEEL? YOU ASK HOW HE FEELS.

HE'S MUCH TOO SHY TO TELL YOU,

SO I'LL TELL YOU HOW HE FEELS.

♪ HE FEELS BRAVE AND EAGER ♪

♪ STRANGELY HUMBLE

♪ PROUD TO BE A PLAIN G.I. ♪

♪ HE WOULD GLADLY FACE THOSE BULLETS ♪

♪ FOR HE'S NOT AFRAID TO DIE ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC ♪

♪ HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY... ♪

AND THAT'S WHY HE VOLUNTEERED.

VOLUNTEERED? I THOUGHT HE WAS DRAFTED.

AND HE APPEALED THREE TIMES!

- SING. - ♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES, WE DO ♪

♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE ♪

♪ OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU... ♪

- VERY NICE. - WHAT'S THE PICTURE ON YOU AND THAT HOLLYWOOD?

- ARE YOU TWO ENGAGED? - IS HE ENGAGED?

IS CONRAD ENGAGED?

THERE'S ABSOLUTELY NOTHING TO THE RUMOR HE'S ENGAGED.

♪ SHE'S A REAL PAL, LIKE A SISTER ♪

♪ BUT IT DOESN'T MEAN A THING ♪

♪ AND THAT 18-CARAT DIAMOND ♪

♪ IT WAS JUST A FRIENDSHIP RING ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC ♪

♪ HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY... ♪

THEN WHY WAS HER HUSBAND SO MAD?

- SING! - ♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

- OKAY, OKAY. - ♪ OH YES, WE DO

♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE... ♪

I'LL NEVER FORGET CONRAD'S FIRST WORDS

WHEN HE HEARD HE'D BEEN ACCEPTED BY THE ARMED FORCES.

"GEE, MR. PETERSON," HE CRIED EAGERLY,

"YOU THINK THEY'LL ASSIGN ME TO ONE OF THOSE TRENCHES?

THAT WAY I'M SURE TO GET MY HANDS ON OF THEM DIRTY JERRIES!"

- ALBERT. - OR WHOEVER'S DIRTY THIS TIME.

IS IT TRUE YOU FOUND CONRAD IN A REFORM SCHOOL?

Together: ♪ THAT IS A LIE, A LIE THROUGH AND THROUGH ♪

♪ I'LL TELL YOU WHERE HE CAME FROM ♪

♪ HERE'S THE STORY, AND IT'S TRUE ♪

♪ HE WAS BORN IN INDOCHINA ♪

♪ HE WAS BORN IN OLD VIRGINNY ♪

- ♪ SON OF MISSIONARIES THERE - ♪ ON A 1000-ACRE FARM

♪ VERY POOR AND VERY HUNGRY ♪

♪ FROM A LINE OF WEALTHY PLANTERS ♪

- ♪ WHAT A CRUEL LIFE TO BEAR - ♪ FULL OF GENTEEL SOUTHERN CHARM ♪

♪ THEN HE DRIFTED DOWN TO HONG KONG ♪

- ♪ EVERY EVENING BY THE RIVER - ♪ TO A WATERFRONT SALOON

♪ IN THE MOONLIGHT THEY WOULD CROON ♪

♪ THAT IS WHERE WE HEARD HIM SINGING ♪

♪ THAT'S WHERE CONRAD STARTED SINGING ♪

♪ 'NEATH THAT DIRTY HONG KONG MOON ♪

♪ 'NEATH THAT OLD PLANTATION MOON ♪

Girls: ♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, OH YES, WE DO... ♪

Albert and Rosie: ♪ OH, BEAUTIFUL, FOR SPACIOUS SKIES ♪

♪ FOR AMBER WAVES OF GRAIN ♪

♪ AMERICA, AMERICA...

♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, WE'LL BE TRUE ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, AVERAGE, MODEST ♪

♪ PATRIOTIC, HEALTHY, NORMAL ♪

♪ AMERICAN

♪ AMERICAN BOY.

( screaming and cheering )

( marching band playing )

SHH! SHH!

( music stops )

( panting )

CONRAD BIRDIE, WELCOME TO SWEET APPLE.

BEFORE WE ESCORT YOU TO THE TOWN HALL,

WHERE THE MAYOR HIMSELF IS WAITING,

I WOULD FIRST LIKE TO INTRODUCE YOU

TO THE GIRL UPON WHOM YOU HAVE CHOSEN

TO BESTOW YOUR FINAL KISS UPON,

AND WHO WILL NOW LEAD US

IN THE RECITING OF THE CONRAD BIRDIE PLEDGE--

KIM MacAFEE!

( cheering )

I...

KIM MacAFEE,

BEING OF SOUND MIND AND BODY,

DO HEREBY PROMISE

TO BE LOYAL, COURTEOUS, STEADFAST AND TRUE

TO CONRAD BIRDIE

AND THE UNITED STATES OF AMERICA,

BOTH INDIVISIBLE,

WITH LIBERTY AND JUSTICE FOR ALL!

( marching band playing )

ROSIE, I'M GOING TO GO WITH CONRAD.

YOU STAY HERE AND WATCH THE BAGS.

I'LL SEND A TAXI AS SOON AS I CAN-- IF I CAN FIND ONE.

Kim: I CAN'T BELIEVE IT!

( girls giggling )

- OKAY. - OKAY, COME ON.

KIM, BEFORE YOU GO, CAN I TALK TO YOU?

RIGHT NOW? COULDN'T IT WAIT?

- WE'RE IN A HURRY. - I DON'T THINK SO, KIM. IT'S IMPORTANT.

HUGO PEABODY, WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT

THAT YOU HAVE TO TALK TO KIM NOW?

WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT?! I'LL TELL YOU WHAT'S SO IMPORTANT!

THE DAY AFTER I GIVE HER MY PIN,

SHE GOES KISSING SOMEONE ELSE!

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'M QUITE UPSET ABOUT THIS.

I'VE HAD SEVERAL HEADACHES AND A NOSEBLEED.

WHY, YOU'RE ACTUALLY JEALOUS OF CONRAD BIRDIE.

ME? JEALOUS?

I'M THE OPPOSITE OF JEALOUS.

I'M VERY JEALOUS,

AND I HAVE EVERY RIGHT TO BE!

KIM'S MY STEADY.

THAT'S JUST IT, HUGO. I'M YOUR STEADY.

I MEAN, I MAY ADMIRE CONRAD BIRDIE

AS ONE ADMIRES A FAR DISTANT UNATTAINABLE IDEAL,

BUT I'M PINNED TO YOU, HUGO,

AND I DON'T CARE HOW COMMON AND ORDINARY YOU ARE.

THAT'S HOW I'M GOING TO STAY.

YOU'RE NOT JUST SAYING THAT TO MAKE ME FEEL BETTER?

OH, HUGO, NO.

I MEAN EVERY WORD OF IT.

CONRAD BIRDIE IS JUST A FLING.

A STEADY IS FOREVER.

♪ ONE BOY, ONE SPECIAL BOY ♪

♪ ONE BOY TO GO WITH, TO TALK WITH AND WALK WITH ♪

♪ ONE BOY

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ♪

♪ ONE BOY, ONE CERTAIN BOY ♪

♪ ONE BOY TO LAUGH WITH, TO JOKE WITH, HAVE COKE WITH ♪

♪ ONE BOY

♪ NOT TWO OR THREE

♪ ONE DAY, YOU'LL FIND OUT ♪

♪ THIS IS WHAT LIFE IS ALL ABOUT ♪

♪ YOU NEED SOMEONE WHO

♪ IS LIVING JUST FOR YOU ♪

♪ ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY ♪

♪ ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ ONE BOY

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE... ♪

OH, KIM, I FEEL SO MUCH BETTER NOW.

ALL THOUGHTS OF A NOSEBLEED HAVE UTTERLY VANISHED.

YOU WERE SILLY TO WORRY, HUGO.

CONRAD BIRDIE MAY BE A GREAT PUBLIC FIGURE,

BUT HE DOESN'T MAKE ME FEEL ALL FAINT AND DIZZY

WHEN I THINK OF HIM.

ONLY MY STEADY DOES THAT.

WHY, EVEN WHEN I SAY HIS NAME, I DON'T FEEL A THING. LISTEN--

CONRAD BIRDIE.

CONRAD BIRDIE.

CONRAD...

BIRDIE.

♪ ONE BOY, ONE STEADY BOY ♪

♪ ONE BOY TO BE WITH FOREVER AND EVER ♪

♪ ONE BOY

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE ♪

♪ THAT'S THE WAY IT SHOULD BE. ♪

OH, ALBERT, YOU'RE DRIVING ME CRAZY.

♪ CAN'T SHAKE THAT DREAM OF YOU AND ME ♪

♪ IN SOME LITTLE TOWN

♪ IF YOU'D SHAPE UP

♪ WE'D SETTLE DOWN

♪ LEAVE THE MESS AND THE STRESS OF BIG-CITY LIVING ♪

♪ TRADE THAT GRABBING AND SHOVING ♪

♪ FOR LOVING AND GIVING

♪ I'M TIRED OF YOUR TALKING ♪

♪ I WANT IT NOW

♪ THAT HOUSE AND YARD WITH ONLY BIRDS ♪

♪ BRINGING SONGS AROUND

♪ DON'T BE AFRAID

♪ TO SETTLE DOWN

♪ THAT GREEN STUFF'S GRASS ♪

♪ AND THAT SMELL EVERYWHERE ♪

♪ KNOW WHAT THAT IS?

♪ FRESH AIR

♪ THE YEARS ARE GOING BY SO FAST ♪

♪ HEY, IT'S TIME WE FOUND SOME PEACE OF MIND ♪

♪ OUR PIECE OF GROUND

♪ LET'S SETTLE DOWN.

- ( marching band playing ) - ( screaming and cheering )

Woman: NOW BE CAREFUL, GIRLS!

IT GIVES ME GREAT PLEASURE TO PRESENT TO YOU

THIS GENUINE, 14-KARAT SOLID GOLD KEY

SO GENEROUSLY DONATED BY THE MEN

AT THE SWEET APPLE BRASS WORKS.

AS I PRESENT THIS KEY TO YOU, CONRAD BIRDIE--

- ( girl shrieks ) - HE SAID IT!

HE SAID THE NAME!

( screaming )

WHAT HAPPENED? ALL I SAID WAS "CONRAD BIRDIE."

( screaming )

IF YOU GIRLS DON'T STOP, I CAN'T FINISH MY SPEECH.

WHO CARES ABOUT YOUR SPEECH?

WE WANT TO HEAR FROM CONRAD!

SPEAK TO US, O BEAUTIFUL ONE!

TELL US HOW YOU MAKE THAT WONDROUS SOUND

THAT EVEN NOW, IN ANTICIPATION OF IT,

HAS REDUCED ME TO A SNARLING, RAGING,

PANTING JUNGLE BEAST!

( guitar playing )

♪ YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE... ♪

- OHH... - EDNA, WHAT'S THE MATTER?

♪ YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE

♪ YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE ♪

♪ 'CAUSE IF YOU FEEL IT HERE ♪

♪ WELL, THEN, YOU'RE GONNA BE ♪

♪ HONESTLY

♪ SINCERE

♪ IF WHAT YOU FEEL IS TRUE ♪

♪ REALLY FEEL IT

♪ YOU MAKE THEM FEEL IT, TOO ♪

♪ WRITE THIS DOWN NOW

♪ YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE

♪ HONESTLY SINCERE

♪ MAN, YOU GOTTA BE

♪ SINCERE

♪ IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE ♪

♪ IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE ♪

♪ THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT, OH, BABY! ♪

♪ OH, HONEY!

♪ HUG ME

♪ SUFFER

♪ IN EVERYTHING I DO

♪ MY SINCERITY SHOWS THROUGH ♪

♪ I LOOK YOU IN THE EYE

♪ DON'T EVEN HAVE TO TRY, IT'S AUTOMATIC ♪

- ♪ I'M SINCERE - OH! OH!

♪ WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE ♪

♪ I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE ♪

♪ WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL ♪

♪ OH, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL ♪

♪ OH, I MEAN, I REALLY FEEL ♪

♪ SINCERE

♪ IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE ♪

♪ IF YOU'RE REALLY SINCERE ♪

♪ IF YOU FEEL IT IN HERE ♪

♪ THEN IT'S GOTTA BE RIGHT ♪

♪ OH, BABY!

♪ OH, HONEY!

♪ HUG ME

♪ SUFFER

♪ YOU GOTTA BE SINCERE, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, MAN, YOU GOTTA FEEL IT HERE ♪

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ WHOA, MY BABY

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ WHOA, YEAH

♪ WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE? ♪

♪ WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE? ♪

YEAH!

♪ WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE? ♪

- ♪ YOU GONNA BE SINCERE? - YEAH!

♪ WELL, YOU GONNA BE SINCERE? ♪

♪ YOU GONNA BE SINCERE? ♪

YEAH!

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ WELL, YOU'RE GONNA BE SINCERE ♪

♪ YEAH, YOU'RE GONNA BE SINCERE ♪

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, MY BABY

♪ OH, YEAH

♪ OH, MY BABY...

AAH!

THANK YOU. THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

♪ OHHH

♪ YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.

OHH...

WHOO!

( car doors shut )

( faint voices approaching )

IT IS SUCH AN HONOR TO HAVE YOU IN OUR HOME, MR. BIRDIE.

CONRAD, LET ME SHOW YOU UP TO YOUR ROOM.

HARRY WILL BE UP WITH YOUR LUGGAGE SHORTLY.

RANDOLPH, TAKE MISS ALVAREZ AND MR. PETERSON'S UP.

WE'D HAVE TO DO A LITTLE PHOTO SHOOT OR SOMETHING HERE.

ED WOULD LOVE THIS. OH, MY GOODNESS.

ALBERT, WHY ARE WE DOING THIS?

I MADE RESERVATIONS AT THE HOTEL.

- THE HOTEL IS MILES AWAY. - AND YOU'D HAVE TO PAY.

THAT'S RI-- THAT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH IT.

I THINK WE SHOULD KEEP A CLOSE WATCH ON CONRAD.

WHY KEEP A CLOSE WATCH?

YEAH, WE SHOULD STAY HERE.

I'M SURE YOU'D LIKE TO FRESHEN UP.

WHY DON'T YOU GO RIGHT UPSTAIRS?

THANK YOU, MRS. MacAFEE, YOU'RE REALLY VERY KIND.

NONSENSE, WE'RE THRILLED TO HAVE YOU STAY WITH US.

MI CASA ES YOUR CASA.

SI.

OH, MRS. MacAFEE?

IF MY MOTHER SHOULD CALL, WOULD YOU LET ME KNOW?

IS SHE HERE, TOO? WE'D LOVE TO HAVE HER STAY WITH US.

I DOUBT SHE'LL BE COMING.

SHE'S NOT IN THE BEST OF HEALTH. ( coughs )

TAKE THEM UPSTAIRS, HARRY.

MR. PETERSON WILL STAY IN THE SPARE ROOM.

MISS ALVAREZ WILL ROOM WITH KIM. ISN'T THAT CUTE?

CONRAD BIRDIE IS STAYING IN OUR ROOM.

- WHERE ARE WE STAYING? - WITH RANDOLPH.

ISN'T THAT CUTE?

( dog barking )

( sighs )

- ( snoring ) - ( sighs )

( muffled ) AAH! OH!

WHAT DO YOU WANT, THE WHOLE BED?

ROLL OVER. I CAN'T BREATHE.

THEN STOP ROLLING UNDER ME.

IT FEELS LIKE I'M SLEEPING ON A PEBBLE.

NOT A PEBBLE. YOU MEAN A PEA.

WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT, "A PEA?"

A PEA!

GET UP AND GO TO THE BATHROOM, DEAR.

NO, "THE PRINCESS AND THE PEA."

THEY TESTED HER TO SEE IF SHE WAS A REAL PRINCESS.

THEY PUT A TINY PEA UNDER HER MATTRESS

TO SEE IF SHE COULD FEEL IT.

AND SHE DID.

SO I AM A REAL PRINCESS AFTER ALL!

DAD!

( girls singing hoarsely ) ♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD

♪ OH YES, WE DO

♪ WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, AND WE'LL BE TRUE ♪

♪ WHEN YOU'RE NOT NEAR US, WE'RE BLUE ♪

♪ OH, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU. ♪

Helen: I'M TIRED, URSULA.

WE'VE BEEN HERE ALL NIGHT.

WELL, TOO BAD FOR YOU.

WE PROMISED TO SING THE SONG 10,000 TIMES, DIDN'T WE?

WE STILL HAVE 5276 TO GO, SO SING!

DORIS, WHERE'S MY PAPER?

DIDN'T THEY DELIVER IT THIS MORNING?

I GAVE IT TO MR. PETERSON.

HE WAS ANXIOUS TO READ ABOUT CONRAD.

MOTHER, DADDY, COULD YOU PLEASE KEEP YOUR VOICES DOWN?

CONRAD MIGHT STILL BE SLEEPING.

I'M SURE HE'S VERY TIRED FROM MOVING HIS HIPS.

DADDY, COULD YOU PLEASE HURRY?

I WANT TO HAVE THIS MESS CLEARED BEFORE CONRAD COMES DOWN.

"THIS MESS," KIM, HAPPENS TO BE MY BREAKFAST.

- I INTEND TO ENJOY IT. - MOTHER.

KIM, DEAR, YOUR FATHER HAS A PERFECT RIGHT

TO ENJOY HIS BREAKFAST,

BUT I'M SURE HE WON'T MIND IF WE QUIETLY START

CLEARING SOME OF THESE OTHER THINGS AWAY.

I KNOW IT'S BEEN A HECTIC MORNING, DEAR,

BUT KIM'S GONE TO A LOT OF TROUBLE TO MAKE

A SPECIAL BREAKFAST FOR MR. BIRDIE.

I WANT TO MAKE SURE EVERYTHING'S READY AND WAITING

WHEN HE COMES DOWNSTAIRS.

AFTER ALL, HE IS A NATIONAL FIGURE.

I WANT TO SHOW THESE NEW YORK PEOPLE

WE KNOW HOW TO TREAT A NATIONAL FIGURE IN SWEET APPLE.

NOT THAT IT MATTERS MUCH TO ME PERSONALLY, BUT FOR KIM'S SAKE...

THERE, ALL DONE.

DID YOU ENJOY IT, DEAR? GOOD.

NOW IF YOU'LL HURRY ALONG, I'LL CLEAR AWAY THESE OTHER THINGS.

DORIS, I AM NOT BUDGING FROM THIS TABLE

TILL I'VE HAD MY COFFEE AND READ MY NEWSPAPER.

I'M SORRY, WE ONLY HAVE ENOUGH COFFEE FOR OUR GUEST.

HOW ABOUT A NICE WARM ROOT BEER?

MORNING, PA. HERE'S THE MORNING PAPER.

HOPE YOU DON'T MIND, BUT I CUT OUT A FEW STORIES ABOUT CONRAD.

( sighs )

I HAVE TRIED TO RUN THIS HOUSEHOLD ON A DEMOCRATIC BASIS.

I HAVE EXTENDED THE PRIVILEGE OF SELF-DETERMINATION

TO BOTH THE WOMAN I'VE MARRIED AND THE CHILDREN I HAVE SIRED.

THE VOTE HAS BEEN DENIED NO ONE

FOR REASONS OF AGE, SEX OR POLITICAL AFFILIATION.

THERE'S BEEN NO TAXATION WITHOUT REPRESENTATION,

AND OPEN COVENANTS HAVE BEEN OPENLY ARRIVED AT.

LAST NIGHT, I GAVE UP THE LAST PIECE

OF MY FAVORITE PIE-- STRAWBERRY RHUBARB--

TO A GUEST WHO REPEATEDLY REFERRED TO ME AS "FATS."

TELEPHONE CALLS WERE MADE ON MY PHONE

TO NEW YORK, CHICAGO,

FAIRBANKS, ALASKA AND HONG KONG.

ALL NIGHT LONG I LAY AWAKE

WHILE OUTSIDE MY WINDOW THREE HARPIES SHRIEKED,

"WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD, WE LOVE YOU, CONRAD,"

4723 TIMES!

I HAVE JUST LOST TWO FRIED EGGS!

GENTLEMEN, THE DEMOCRACY IS OVER!

PARLIAMENT'S BEEN DISSOLVED,

THE MAGNA CARTA IS REVOKED,

AND NERO IS BACK IN TOWN.

OH FOLKS, WOULD YOU MIND STAYING OFF THE PHONE FOR A WHILE?

I'M EXPECTING A LONG-DISTANCE CALL FROM NEW YORK.

HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING!

- HE'S COMING! HE'S COMING! - HE'S COMING!

I'LL GET THE EGGS! YOU CALL THE KIDS.

GIRLS, HURRY IF YOU WANT TO WATCH HIM EAT!

( shrieking )

Woman: SORRY, DORIS, WE HAD TO COME TOO.

WE'LL STAND QUIETLY BACK HERE.

HERE HE IS! HERE HE IS! HERE HE IS!

( yawns )

( can hisses )

AHH...

( burps )

- AHH... - AHH!

DON'T CALL ME FOR LUNCH.

HIYA, FATS.

( can hisses )

OHH.

( burps )

NOW LOOK HERE, DORIS--

- HARRY, THE BOY'S JUST SHY. - KIM IS STILL IN HIGH SCHOOL--

DADDY, PLEASE, NOT IN FRONT OF EVERYBODY!

- I DON'T CARE WHO'S HERE. NO ILL MANNERED LOUT-- - TELL 'EM, PA.

- SHUT UP. - YOU HAVE NO RIGHT. THE BOY'S OUR GUEST.

- UNTIL YOU'RE 18-- - BUT DADDY--

- WILL YOU SHUT UP? - DADDY!

- WILL YOU LEAVE ME ALONE?! - MR. AND MRS. MacAFEE!

KIM! RANDOLPH!

IS THIS THE WAY YOU WANT 75 MILLION AMERICANS TO SEE YOU?

WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

- YOU'RE ALL GOING TO BE ON TELEVISION WITH CONRAD. - ON TELEVISION?

I JUST GOT THE CONFIRMATION CALL FROM ED SULLIVAN HIMSELF!

YOU MEAN, WE'RE GOING TO BE ON THE "SULLIVAN SHOW"?

THAT'S RIGHT. THEY'RE GONNA CUT IN TO SWEET APPLE

AT 8:05 THIS SUNDAY EVENING AND YOU'RE ALL GONNA BE ON.

THE ED SULLIVAN "SULLIVAN SHOW"?

TO THAT GREAT AUDIENCE OUT THERE,

YOU ARE AN AMERICAN DREAM COME TRUE.

I BEG YOU, MR. MacAFEE, FOR THE SAKE OF THE FREE WORLD,

DON'T DESTROY THAT DREAM.

ME...

ON "THE ED SULLIVAN SHOW"?

♪ ED SULLIVAN...

ME, HARRY MacAFEE, APPEARING WITH...

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ ED

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ ED

♪ ED SULLIVAN

- ♪ AHH - ♪ ED SULLIVAN

- ♪ AHH - ♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ ED

♪ ED

♪ SULL

♪ SULL

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ WE'RE GONNA BE ON "ED SULLIVAN" ♪

♪ HOW COULD ANY FAMILY BE ♪

♪ HALF AS FORTUNATE AS WE? ♪

♪ WE'LL BE COAST-TO-COAST ♪

♪ WITH OUR FAVORITE HOST

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ ED SULLIVAN

♪ WE'RE GONNA BE ON "ED SULLIVAN..." ♪

I'VE GOT A WONDERFUL WIFE, TWO SWELL KIDS,

GOOD JOB

AND NOW THIS.

I AM SO VERY HAPPY.

♪ AHH

♪ SOMEDAY WE'LL RECALL

♪ THE GREATEST DAY OF ALL... ♪

ED, I LOVE YOU.

♪ ED SULLIVAN.

THIS IS IT, ALBERT. WHAT DO YOU THINK?

ROSE, IT LOOKS GREAT. NOW LISTEN--

IT'S JUST AN OLD VAUDEVILLE THEATER,

BUT I THINK IT'LL BE PERFECT FOR THE "SULLIVAN SHOW."

- WHAT I WANTED-- - THEY'LL SEND CAMERAS AND LIGHTS AND COSTUMES.

WOULD YOU FORGET ABOUT THE "SULLIVAN SHOW"?

THERE'S SOMETHING SERIOUS I WANT TO TALK ABOUT. IT INVOLVES YOU AND I.

"YOU AND ME," ENGLISH TEACHER.

ROSE, I'M SERIOUS.

I'M REALLY GLAD THAT YOU AND ME-- YOU AND I--

YOU AND ME, YOU AND I--

ARE OUT HERE AWAY FROM NEW YORK.

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I WROTE MOMMA AND TOLD HER NO MATTER WHAT HAPPENS,

I'M DEFINITELY GIVING UP ALMAELOU.

OH, ALBERT, YOU DIDN'T.

I WROTE TO HER THE DAY WE LEFT,

AND IT'S BEEN THREE DAYS AND THREE NIGHTS

- AND WE HAVEN'T HEARD A WORD. - OH, ALBERT!

THREE DAYS AND THREE NIGHTS ON A CROWDED BUS.

BUT WHAT'S THE DIFFERENCE? I'M ONLY A MOTHER,

AND FOR A MOTHER, A BUS IS GOOD ENOUGH.

MOMMA, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

DID YOU THINK I WOULDN'T COME?

A WOMAN GETS A LETTER

OBVIOUSLY WRITTEN UNDER THE INFLUENCE OF DRUGS,

AND SHE SHOULD STAY HOME?

"DEAR MOM, THIS IS TO LET YOU KNOW ALMAELOU IS DISSOLVED.

YOUR FRIEND, ALBERT."

"ALMAELOU IS DISSOLVED." DISSOLVE ME.

WHO AM I, ANYWAY? A SICK OLD WOMAN,

PROBABLY WON'T LAST THE NIGHT.

ALL I WANT IS A SIMPLE STONE WITH ONE WORD--

"ALBERT'S MOTHER."

DON'T HIRE A LIMOUSINE TO TAKE ME TO THE FINAL RESTING PLACE.

I'LL WALK.

TELL THAT LADY FRIEND OF YOURS I FORGIVE HER.

SHE KNOWETH NOT WHAT SHE DONETH.

MOMMA, ROSE IS RIGHT HERE.

THIS IS ROSE?

I CAN'T BELIEVE IT.

SHE LOOKS LIKE MARGO

WHEN THEY TOOK HER OUT OF SHANGRI-LA.

FOR HER OWN SAKE, SEND HER BACK TO TIBET.

AND DON'T WORRY ABOUT A SECRETARY.

I FOUND, ON THE BUS, A PERFECT SECRETARY--

A WONDERFUL, REFINED GIRL ON HER WAY TO AKRON,

BUT I PERSUADED HER TO COME HERE.

SONNY BOY, SAY HELLO...

TO GLORIA RASPUTIN.

YOU ARE SO CUTE!

MOMMA, I DON'T NEED ANOTHER SECRETARY.

I HAVE ROSIE.

OH, BUT I DON'T JUST TYPE.

- YOU DO OTHER THINGS? - I TAP DANCE.

I FIGURE I COULD HELP YOU WITH THIS SECRETARY THING,

AND YOU COULD HELP ME BREAK INTO SHOW BUSINESS.

GET A LOAD OF THIS, AL. MAE, CAN YOU HUM "SWANEE RIVER"?

MY FAVORITE SELECTION.

HIT IT!

( vocalizing "Swanee River" ) YEAH!

( vocalizing continuing )

THAT'S HER FAVORITE PART.

"BRAVE-O," "BRAVE-O."

SO DO I GET THE JOB?

YOU CERTAINLY HAVE SOME WONDERFUL QUALIFICATIONS.

I AM USED TO WORKING WITH MISS ALVAREZ HERE.

DO YOU HAVE TO STAY DOWN THERE LIKE THAT?

ONLY FOR A COUPLE OF MINUTES.

MAE, COULD YOU GIVE ME A LITTLE HELPING HAND?

AL, IF YOU COULD GRAB THE OTHER ONE. EASY DOES IT!

SONNY, FOR THE MOVIES, THEY COULD ALWAYS CUT AWAY WHILE THEY JACK HER UP.

SONNY BOY, WHY DON'T YOU TAKE GLORIA SOMEWHERE

AND SEE HOW FAST SHE TYPES?

WE DO HAVE ALL THOSE RELEASES TO GET OUT.

I'M SURE THAT GLORIA COULD HELP OUT WITH THOSE.

THAT IS--

THAT IS IF IT DOESN'T MAKE ANY DIFFERENCE TO YOU, UH...

- ROSE. - ROSE.

WHY SHOULD IT MAKE AND DIFFERENCE TO ME, UH, ALBERT?

I'LL GO SEE IF I CAN FIND YOU A TYPEWRITER.

DO YOU USE THE...

TOUCH SYSTEM?

WHENEVER POSSIBLE.

TYPE SOME RELEASES, ROSE.

MISS ALVAREZ?

IT'S HUGO PEABODY. CAN I SPEAK TO YOU FOR A MINUTE?

I'M LOOKING FOR KIM MacAFEE.

I WANT TO TELL HER SHE'S NOT TO KISS CONRAD BIRDIE

ON THAT "ED SULLIVAN SHOW."

IF SHE DOES, I THINK I HAVE TO--

MISS ALVAREZ, IS ANYTHING WRONG?

MISS ALVAREZ,

CAN I-- CAN I DO ANYTHING FOR YOU?

YES, HUGO, I THINK YOU CAN.

( bell ringing )

Sullivan: Now as you know,

in just about 14 hours,

one of show business' brightest talents

is going off to play a very special engagement.

Tonight, before he goes,

he wants to leave a certain lucky young lady

with one last kiss.

Ladies and gentlemen,

we take you to Sweet Apple, Ohio,

where a typical American family--

Mr. and Mrs. Harry MacAfee

and their children Randolph and Kim--

- WHERE'S ED? - ...are gathered to bid farewell

to a typical American soldier--

Conrad Birdie.

( cheering )

( music playing )

- WHERE'S ED? - ♪ OH, ONE LAST KISS

♪ OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ OH, ONE MORE TIME, OH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME ♪

♪ IT REALLY IS SUBLIME

♪ AW, HONEY, SO SUBLIME ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

( snapping )

♪ BAAA-BY

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ BAAA-BY

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, NEVER FELT LIKE THIS ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ TURN BACK HISTORY'S PAGES ♪

♪ GO BACK THROUGH THE AGES ♪

♪ SEE HOW BRAVE SOLDIER BOYS OF YORE ♪

♪ SAID GOODBYE WHEN THEY WENT OFF TO WAR ♪

- ♪ WENT OFF TO WAR - ♪ WENT OFF TO WAR

( laughing, cheering )

♪ OH, ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ OH, ONE MORE TIME, OH, BABY, ONE MORE TIME ♪

♪ IT REALLY IS SUBLIME, AW, HONEY, SO SUBLIME ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ BAAA-BY

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

♪ BAAA-BY

♪ GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS

♪ OH, ONE LAST KISS, OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS, NO, IT NEVER FELT LIKE THIS ♪

♪ YOU KNOW I NEED YOUR LOVE, OH, OH, OH ♪

♪ OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ ONE LAST KISS

♪ OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ ONE LAST KISS, ONE LAST KISS ♪

♪ OH, GIVE ME ONE LAST... ♪

BRACE YOURSELF, CHICK.

BRACE YOURSELF, CONRAD BIRDIE!

HUGO, YOU HIT HIM!

HE DESERVED IT! HE WAS A THIEF OF LOVE!

HUGO F. PEABODY, I DON'T EVER WANT TO SPEAK TO YOU AGAIN!

KIM!

I DEMAND TO KNOW WHO IS RESPONSIBLE FOR THIS!

- WHO LET THAT KID IN HERE? - I DID, ALBERT.

IT'S SORT OF A FAREWELL PRESENT TO YOU AND MISS RASPUTIN.

- WEAR IT IN GOOD HEALTH! - ROSIE, YOU CAN'T LEAVE ME ALONE.

OH, YOU'RE NOT ALONE, ALBERT.

YOU'RE ON TELEVISION.

( weakly ) ♪ FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING ♪

♪ PATRIOTIC

♪ HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY ♪

♪ FOR HE'S A FINE, UPSTANDING, PATRIOTIC ♪

♪ HEALTHY, NORMAL AMERICAN BOY. ♪

♪ EIGHT YEARS, EIGHT YEARS ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW LONG I WASTED ON HIM ♪

♪ THAT'S ALL, I'M THROUGH ♪

♪ ALBERT, DEAR, TO PUT IT SWEETLY ♪

♪ TO HELL WITH YOU!

THAT'S RIGHT, ALBERT. TO HELL WITH YOU.

FROM NOW ON, IT'S GOING TO BE ME,

ROSIE, ON THE TOWN,

DANCING AND SINGING AND HAVING A BALL,

TRYING TO MAKE UP FOR EIGHT YEARS

OF BEING IN LOVE WITH A MOMMA-CLUTCHING,

ASPIRIN-SPLITTING TOWER OF... APPLESAUCE!

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? ♪

♪ HOW COULD I EVER GET INVOLVED THAT WAY? ♪

♪ NOW THAT IT'S OVER, I CAN SMILE AND SAY ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? ♪

♪ BOY, I WAS WAY OUT ON A LIMB ♪

♪ NOW THAT MY FEET ARE ON THE GROUND AGAIN ♪

♪ NOW THAT MY SENSES HAVE BEEN FOUND AGAIN ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM? ♪

♪ IS HE TENDER? NO, HE'S NOT ♪

♪ IS HE THOUGHTFUL? NO, HE'S NOT ♪

♪ AM I CRAZY? WHAT'S HE GOT ♪

♪ THAT I FOUND SO DAMN APPEALING? ♪

♪ WHAT DID HE EVER DO FOR ME? ♪

♪ WELL, TO BE HONEST, HE WAS SOMETIMES NICE ♪

♪ BUT STILL IT WASN'T WORTH THE AWFUL PRICE ♪

♪ IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START ♪

♪ BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART ♪

♪ HOW DID I EVER, WHY DID I EVER ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER...

MISS ALVAREZ, DON'T BE SO UPSET.

ALL MEN CAN'T BE LIKE THAT.

EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM,

EXCEPT FOR MAYBE ALBERT SCHWEITZER,

AND I'M NOT HIS TYPE.

OH, THEY'RE ALL THE SAME FROM PUBERTY TO SENILITY,

FROM BENEDICT ARNOLD TO MUSSOLINI.

I NEVER UNDERSTOOD WHY INGRID BERGMAN

MARRIED HIM IN THE FIRST PLACE.

EGOTISTICAL, SELFISH HUMAN BEASTS!

WHAT ARE WE POOR WOMEN TO DO, MISS ALVAREZ?

USE THEM. YES, USE THEM.

LET THEM BE OUR PLAYTHINGS

WHILE WE LIVE,

SIP FROM THE CUP OF LIFE.

MIX THAT POTION FULL AND STRONG,

AND DRAIN IT TO THE DREGS!

HOW DO YOU LIKE THEM APPLES, MR. PETERSON?

♪ DO WE NEED THEM? NO, WE DON'T ♪

♪ DO WE WANT THEM? NO, WE DON'T ♪

- ♪ WILL WE LEAVE THEM? - ♪ NO, WE WON'T

♪ TELL ME, WHAT DID I SAY THAT FOR? ♪

♪ WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN THEM? ♪

♪ HOW COULD WE EVER THINK THAT THEY WERE NICE? ♪

♪ TAKE IT FROM US, WE'VE PAID AN AWFUL PRICE ♪

♪ IT WAS ROUGH FROM THE START ♪

♪ BROKEN DATES, BROKEN NAILS, BROKEN HEART ♪

♪ WHAT DID WE EVER SEE IN... ♪

HUGO F. PEABODY!

HUGO! WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HIM?!

WHY, HE'S AS BAD AS MR. PETERSON, IF NOT WORSE!

MISS ALVAREZ, I'M COMING WITH YOU.

NOW, KIM, WHY DON'T YOU JUST STAY HOME

AND HAVE SOME MILK AND COOKIES?

MILK AND COOKIES?

MISS ALVAREZ, IT'S TOO LATE FOR THAT.

I WANT TO LIVE.

A-HA, THERE SHE IS.

THE TRAITOR WHO STABBED ME IN THE HEART

THE MINUTE MY BACK WAS TURNED!

STAY OUT OF MY WAY, ALBERT.

CAREFUL, SONNY. SHE MAY BE ARMED.

DON'T WORRY, MOMMA. I CAN HANDLE HER.

TAKE CONRAD UPSTAIRS AND MAKE SURE HE GETS INTO BED.

FOR THE LAST TIME, ALBERT, STAY OUT OF MY WAY.

I'M GOING OUT ON THE TOWN TONIGHT.

I DON'T WANT TO WASTE ANOTHER MINUTE.

NOT UNTIL I'VE HAD MY SAY, ROSE.

THANKS TO MOMMA'S QUICK THINKING,

THE KISS WILL TAKE PLACE AFTER ALL--

TOMORROW MORNING AT THE TRAIN STATION

JUST BEFORE CONRAD LEAVES.

AND SO YOU HAVE FAILED, MISS ROSE ALVAREZ,

AS ANYONE MUST FAIL

WHO TRIES TO BUCK AL PETERSON--

ONE OF THE GIANTS, ONE OF THE TITANS,

ONE OF THE KING KONGS OF THE MUSIC INDUSTRY!

( laughs ) ROSIE?

ROSE?

ROSE?

( laughs )

WHERE DO YOU THINK YOU'RE GOING, YOUNG LADY?

OUT WITH ROSIE, TO DRAIN DEEP THE DREGS

AND SIP FULL HEARTY THE BRIMMING CUP.

TO LIVE.

UPSTAIRS.

- BUT DADDY! - YOU HEARD ME, I SAID UPSTAIRS.

ROSIE WAS RIGHT-- YOU'RE ALL THE SAME,

FROM PUBERTY TO MUSSOLINI!

WHAT'S THAT? YOU DARE SAY PUBERTY

IN FRONT OF YOUR OWN FATHER?

NOT TO MENTION MUSSOLINI.

OH, DORIS.

WE HAVE FAILED AS PARENTS.

( sighs ) I NEVER ASKED FOR MUCH FROM MY CHILDREN,

JUST RESPECT-- A LITTLE RESPECT.

THAT'S ALL I ASK FOR-- RESPECT.

BUT DID I GET RESPECT?

I DID NOT GET RESPECT. I GOT NO RESPECT.

I RESPECT YOU, PA.

I DON'T WANT YOUR RESPECT. YOU'RE A CHILD.

WHAT GOOD IS RESPECT FROM A CHILD?

DORIS, I THINK YOU'D BETTER TAKE ME UPSTAIRS.

I'M NOT A WELL MAN.

CERTAIN WORDS I NEVER WANTED TO HEAR IN THIS HOUSE.

PUBERTY WAS ONE OF 'EM.

MUSSOLINI'S ANOTHER.

DREGS WOULD BE THE THIRD.

♪ EIGHT YEARS, HUH, EIGHT YEARS ♪

♪ THAT'S HOW LONG I PUT UP WITH HER ♪

♪ WELL, THAT'S IT

♪ FINIS ♪

♪ FROM NOW ON, I'M CARING ONLY ♪

♪ FOR ALBERT P...

WHEN I FOUND HER, SHE WAS JUST A SKINNY KID FROM PITTSBURGH, P.A.

DIDN'T EVER HEAR OF SMOKED SALMON,

AND NOW IT'S HER FAVORITE FOOD.

I TAUGHT HER EVERYTHING SHE KNOWS. TYPING, FILING, SHOPPING--

EVERYTHING! EVERYTHING! THIS IS THE GRATITUDE I GET!

WELL, MOMMA WAS RIGHT!

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HER? ♪

♪ WHY DID I EVER LET HER IN MY LIFE? ♪

♪ SHE HAD THE GALL TO WANT TO BE MY WIFE ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HER? ♪

( gurgling )

♪ WHY DID I BUY HER JEWELS AND FURS? ♪

♪ SO WHAT IF THEY WERE FAKE? THEY STILL LOOK REAL ♪

♪ BELIEVE ME, I'LL SURVIVE THIS, NO BIG DEAL ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE IN HER? ♪

♪ FEELS SHE'S CLEVER, DO I CARE? ♪

♪ SWEET, EFFICIENT, DO I CARE? ♪

♪ SO SHE'S GORGEOUS, DO I CARE? ♪

♪ NO, I'LL BE JUST FINE WITHOUT HER ♪

♪ ME, I DON'T NEED A GIRL, NO, SIR ♪

♪ FROM THIS DAY FORTH, I'M ON A SINGLE TRACK ♪

♪ I'LL MERELY LAUGH IF SHE COMES CRAWLING BACK... ♪

HA, HA, HA! ♪ AND I'LL SAY, "SORRY, ROSE

♪ IT'S BEEN FUN, BUT IT'S DONE, ADIOS" ♪

♪ HOW DID I EVER, WHY DID I EVER ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER...

OOH, I DON'T LOOK WELL. I'M ALL PALE.

OOH, I DON'T FEEL SO WELL, EITHER.

MY STOMACH MUST BE UPSET.

( groans ) MY TONGUE'S ALL COATED.

MY EYES LOOK PUFFY AND I FEEL KIND OF BLOATED.

WAIT A MINUTE.

COATED, BLOATED...

- ( snaps ) - THAT RHYMES.

SO YOU SEE, MISS ROSE ALVAREZ,

YOU HAVE FAILED TO SHAKE MY CONFIDENCE

OR DESTROY MY GIFT.

♪ AM I NERVOUS? NO, I'M NOT ♪

♪ THOUGH MY SPELLING'S NOT SO HOT ♪

♪ WHAT'S SO SPECIAL? WHAT'S SHE GOT ♪

♪ BESIDES LOOKS AND BRAINS AND TALENT? ♪

♪ SHE WASN'T REALLY RIGHT FOR ME... ♪

OH, YOU WERE RIGHT, MOMMA. YOU WERE RIGHT.

♪ OUR MARRIAGE WOULDN'T HAVE WORKED OUT AT ALL ♪

♪ LET'S FACE IT, SHE'S ABOUT AN INCH TOO TALL ♪

♪ WHAT DID I EVER SEE

♪ IN HER?

ARE YOU HAVING TROUBLE SLEEPING, DARLING?

OF COURSE.

YOU WANT ME TO TELL YOU A STORY?

NO.

HOW 'BOUT A LITTLE LULLABY?

( sarcastically ) OH, PLEASE.

♪ WYNKEN AND BLYNKEN AND NOD. ♪

MOMMA, PLEASE DON'T SING.

ALL RIGHT. I'LL JUST HUM.

( humming )

I CAN'T SLEEP, MOMMA.

YOU WANNA COME DOWN AND LET ME RUB YOUR BACK?

- PLEASE GO TO SLEEP. - MAYBE YOU WANT ME UP THERE AND RUB YOUR BACK.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA.

GOOD NIGHT, SONNY BOY.

( telephone ringing )

( ringing continuing )

YES?

YES, THIS IS HIM-- HE-- HIM.

OH, HELLO, ED.

WELL, THAT IS VERY NICE OF YOU TO CALL.

WHAT? OH, WELL, THAT WAS AN ACCIDENT, ED--

YOU KNOW, LIKE AN ACT OF GOD.

YES, I HEARD YOU. YOU'RE UPSET.

THE NETWORK'S UPSET. THE WHOLE COUNTRY'S UPSET.

WELL, UH... WELL, WELL, WELL...

I'M VERY SORRY, ED-- M-MR. SULLIVAN, SIR.

UH...

ROSIE, I NEED YOU.

SONNY BOY, WHERE ARE YOU GOING?

I'M GOING OUT TO FIND ROSIE.

WHY?

BECAUSE I LOVE HER AND I WANT HER BACK.

OH, IS THAT ALL?

I THOUGHT IT WAS SOMETHING SERIOUS.

BY ALL MEANS, SONNY BOY,

FIND HER AND BRING HER BACK HERE.

BY THE WAY, DEAR, WHEN YOU GET BACK,

BE SURE TO STOP IN THE KITCHEN,

TAKE MY HEAD OUT OF THE OVEN,

AND TURN OFF THE GAS.

ONLY BEFORE YOU DO,

I BETTER GIVE YOU THE MESSAGE FROM CONRAD FIRST.

- WHAT MESSAGE? - NOTHING TO WORRY ABOUT, DARLING.

HE JUST SAYS HE'S GOING OUT TONIGHT,

AND HE DOESN'T THINK HE'LL BE BACK IN TIME TO KISS KIM TOMORROW.

WHAT?! MOMMA, WHY DIDN'T YOU TELL ME BEFORE?

I TRIED TO, DARLING, BUT YOU KEPT BRINGING UP

A CERTAIN PARTY FROM SOUTH OF THE BORDER.

CONRAD! CONRAD, COME DOWNSTAIRS RIGHT NOW!

WHAT IS THE MATTER WITH HIM?

HE KNOWS HOW IMPORTANT THIS IS.

MOMMA! MOMMA!

IT'S ELECTRIC! IT'S ELECTRIC.

JUST TAKE IT EASY. I'M COMING.

BEFORE YOU START TO HOLLER AT ME,

I WANT YOU TO KNOW I'VE MADE UP MY MIND.

I'M TIRED OF WAKING UP EVERY MORNING AT 9:00,

HAVING PEOPLE WATCH ME WHEN I EAT,

AND LETTING THAT KID GO POKING ME IN THE EYE.

I WANT TO GO OUT, I WANT TO HAVE SOME FUN,

I WANT TO FIND A COUPLE OF YOUNG CHICKS.

DON'T YOU GET IT, ALBERT?

I AM TENSE.

MOMMA, DON'T JUST STAND THERE, DO SOMETHING.

CONRAD...

DID YOU EVER THINK IN TERMS OF A...

MORE MATURE WOMAN?

Albert: MOMMA!

YOU CANNOT GO OUT WITHOUT MY PERMISSION.

IT'S IN YOUR CONTRACT. STAY THERE.

I'M SORRY, BUDDY, THIS IS MY LAST FREE NIGHT BEFORE I GO INTO THE ARMY.

I'M GOING OUT.

AH...

♪ THERE ARE CHICKS

♪ JUST RIPE FOR SOME KISSIN' ♪

♪ AND I MEAN TO KISS ME A FEW ♪

♪ MAN, THOSE CHICKS

♪ DON'T KNOW WHAT THEY'RE MISSIN' ♪

♪ I GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO ♪

♪ SIZZLIN' STEAKS

♪ ALL READY FOR TASTIN' ♪

♪ AND THERE'S CADILLACS ALL SHINY AND NEW ♪

♪ GOTTA MOVE

♪ 'CAUSE TIME IS A-WASTIN' ♪

♪ THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO ♪

♪ THERE ARE MEN

♪ OF 19 OR 20

♪ WHO ARE SUAVE

♪ AND RECKLESS AND TRUE ♪

♪ OLDER MEN

♪ WHO'LL GIVE A GIRL PLENTY ♪

♪ I'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO ♪

♪ THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO ♪

♪ PEOPLE TO SEE

♪ EVERYTHING FOR YOU AND ME... ♪

HEY! HEY!

HEY, YOU KIDS LIVE AROUND HERE NOW, DON'T YOU?

YES, MR. BIRDIE!

WHAT'S THE LOW-DOWN ON THIS TOWN?

WHERE DO YOU GO TO HAVE A BALL?

WELL, THERE'S THE CHURCH BASEMENT

AND THE SWEET SHOP.

- THE OLDER KIDS GO TO THE ICEHOUSE. - YEAH? WHY?

- WHAT'S THERE? - IT HAPPENS, MR. BIRDIE,

THE ICEHOUSE IS WHERE THEY GO

WHEN THEY WANT TO BE ALONE.

HEY, YOU'RE THAT CHICK I WAS SUPPOSED TO KISS.

I AM NOT A CHICK. I'M A FULLY GROWN WOMAN,

AND I INSIST ON BEING TREATED AS SUCH.

AS A MATTER OF FACT, THAT'S WHY I'M LEAVING HOME.

NOW YOU'RE TALKING! COME ON, LET'S MOVE. WE GOT THINGS TO DO.

♪ CRAZY CLOTHES

♪ AND MOTORBOAT RACES

♪ SOMEONE NICE

♪ TO CUDDLE UP TO

♪ BROADWAY LIGHTS

♪ AND WIDE-OPEN SPACES

♪ THERE'S SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO ♪

♪ LOTS OF DATES

- ♪ AND NO ONE TO SCOLD YOU - Girl: OH YEAH!

♪ LOOP-THE-LOOP

♪ AND LAUGH AT THE VIEW

♪ MOONLIGHT SWIMS

♪ AND SOMEONE TO HOLD YOU ♪

♪ YEAH, WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO DO ♪

♪ THERE'S MUSIC TO PLAY, PLACES TO GO ♪

♪ PEOPLE TO SEE

♪ EVERYTHING...

- YEAH! - OH!

( police radio chatter )

SHH.

( softly ) ♪ LIFE'S A BALL

♪ IF ONLY YOU KNOW IT

♪ AND IT'S ALL

♪ JUST WAITING FOR YOU

( louder ) ♪ YOU'RE ALIVE

♪ SO COME ON AND SHOW IT... ♪

- YEAH! - ♪ WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVIN' ♪

♪ SUCH A LOT OF LIVIN'

♪ WHAT A LOT OF LIVIN' TO ♪

♪ DO.

- KIM! - KIM?

- KIM! - KIM!

KIM, WHERE ARE YOU?

( bicycle bell rings )

HUGO, HAVE YOU SEEN KIM?

DON'T ASK ME.

- ASK CONRAD BIRDIE. - WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT?

THEY'RE OUT HAVING MOONLIGHT SWIMS

AND MOTORBOAT RACES AND LOOP-THE-LOOP.

MOONLIGHT SWIMS?

MOTORBOAT RACES?

AREN'T YOU GOING TO DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT?!

I'M GOING TO DO THE SENSIBLE THING

AND DRINK MYSELF TO DEATH.

"LOOP-THE-LOOP," DORIS. GET MY GUN.

HARRY, WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? YOU DON'T OWN A GUN.

WHERE'S THAT DAISY AIR RIFLE?

- DAD, IT'S MINE. - YOU SHUT UP!

WHERE CAN I BUY BBs THIS TIME OF NIGHT?

HERE'S THE DAISY AIR RIFLE.

I THINK IT'S BROKEN.

THE BOW AND ARROW SET WITH THE SUCTION TIPS

I BOUGHT YOU LAST CHRISTMAS?

DON'T JUST STAND THERE!

YOUR SISTER'S RUN OFF TO LOOP-THE-LOOP WITH A FIEND!

GET ME A WATER GUN!

( sighs ) ♪ KIDS

♪ I DON'T KNOW WHAT'S WRONG WITH THESE KIDS TODAY ♪

♪ KIDS! WHO CAN UNDERSTAND ANYTHING THEY SAY? ♪

♪ KIDS! THEY ARE DISOBEDIENT ♪

♪ DISRESPECTFUL OAFS

♪ NOISY, CRAZY, SLOPPY, LAZY LOAFERS ♪

♪ AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT ♪

♪ KIDS! YOU CAN TALK AND TALK TILL YOUR FACE IS BLUE ♪

♪ KIDS! BUT THEY STILL DO JUST WHAT THEY WANT TO DO ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T THEY BE LIKE WE WERE? ♪

♪ PERFECT IN EVERY WAY

♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? ♪

♪ KIDS!

I DON'T MIND THE MOONLIGHT SWIMS.

IT'S THE LOOP-THE-LOOP THAT HURTS. KIDS!

WHY DON'T THEY LOWER THAT DRAFT AGE TO ABOUT 11?

♪ KIDS!

I DIDN'T KNOW WHAT PUBERTY WAS TILL I WAS ALMOST PAST IT.

♪ LAUGHING, SINGING, DANCING, GRINNING MORONS ♪

♪ AND WHILE WE'RE ON THE SUBJECT ♪

♪ KIDS! THEY ARE JUST IMPOSSIBLE TO CONTROL ♪

♪ KIDS! WITH THEIR AWFUL CLOTHES AND THEIR ROCK AND ROLL ♪

♪ WHY CAN'T THEY DANCE LIKE WE DID? ♪

IN A ROMANTIC WAY.

HEY, PA. I GOT A PEASHOOTER.

NOW, WHAT GOOD IS-- GIVE ME THIS THING.

♪ WHAT'S THE MATTER WITH KIDS TODAY? ♪

WHAT TIME DOES THE MEETING START?

SOON AS HE CLOSES UP.

( clears throat )

- YEAH? - GIVE ME A DOUBLE SCOTCH ON THE ROCKS--

- HEAVY ON THE ROCKS. - HOW OLD ARE YOU?

- 32. - GET OUTTA HERE!

- WHAT ABOUT A BEER? - I SAID,

"GET OUTTA HERE."

LET ME SIT HERE WITH AN EMPTY GLASS.

I WON'T MAKE ANY NOISE.

COULD I HAVE SOME WATER?

I'M THROWING YOU OUT THE BACK DOOR, YOU KNOW WHY?

- WHY? - 'CAUSE YOU'RE A MINOR.

OKAY, BUT THAT'S THE LAST TIME

I DO MY DRINKING IN THIS PLACE!

AND DON'T COME BACK UNTIL YOU'RE 32.

DOUBLE BOURBON!

SCOTCH ON THE SIDE.

GOT YOU, YEAH.

AND PUT A CHERRY IN IT.

A CHERRY?

MAKE THAT TWO CHERRIES,

AND BRING ON THE DANCING BOYS.

ALVAREZ IS THE NAME. CALL ME SPANISH ROSE.

♪ OH, CUANTO LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA ♪

♪ LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA, YAY... ♪

- WOULD YOU HOLD IT DOWN, PLEASE? - WAIT A MINUTE,

I HAVE A RIGHT TO HAVE A DRINK HERE IF I CHOOSE,

AND GET AS LOUD AS I WANT IF I CHOOSE!

THIS IS SPANISH ROSE'S COMING-OUT PARTY.

WHEN I SAY "COMING OUT," I MEAN COMING OUT!

LOOK, IF THERE'S A MAN INVOLVED,

IT'S NOT WORTH IT.

TROUBLE IS, HE'S NOT A MAN,

HE'S A MOMMA'S BOY.

OH, THAT'S BAD.

AND HIS MOMMA HATES ME.

MOMMA'S BOYS' MOMMAS ALWAYS DO. WHAT'S THE PROBLEM?

♪ I'M JUST A SPANISH TAMALE, SHE LOVES TO SAY ♪

♪ RIGHT OFF THE BOAT FROM THE TROPICS, FAR, FAR AWAY... ♪

WHICH IS KIND OF FUNNY,

SINCE I COME FROM ROMANTIC, EXOTIC

♪ PITTSBURGH, P.A...

OH, SHE THINKS I'M SPANISH?

I COULD SHOW HER SPANISH--

IF I EVER MARRY THAT MOUSE.

♪ I'LL COOK THE TACO AND THE ENCHILADA ♪

♪ AND DAY AND NIGHT MY CASTANETS WILL CLICK ♪

♪ THE ONLY SONG I'LL SING WILL BE "GRANADA" ♪

♪ I'LL BE SO SPANISH, IT WILL MAKE HER SICK ♪

♪ SHE'LL VISIT IN OUR COZY HACIENDA ♪

♪ MY RED-HOT CHILI, IT WILL MAKE HER CRY ♪

♪ THE DAIQUIRIS WILL POUR OUT OF MY BLENDER ♪

♪ AND THEN WE DANCE FLAMENCO, AY-YI-YI ♪

♪ WATCH OUT FOR THE WILD SPANISH ROSE ♪

♪ THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS ♪

♪ HER SKIRT, SHE IS SPLIT, HER HIPS NEVER QUIT ♪

♪ THAT SPITFIRE SPANISH ROSE ♪

- ♪ HEY, MRS. P., BE MY MAMACITA... ♪ - ( kissing )

♪ A REAL LATINA DAUGHTER I WILL BE ♪

♪ TOGETHER WE WILL SHOP AT THE BODEGA ♪

♪ THEN WATCH THE SPANISH CHANNEL ON TV... ♪

HOLA.

♪ AND THEN BEFORE LONG, I SUPPOSE ♪

♪ YOU'LL HELP US PICK OUT BABY CLOTHES ♪

♪ FOR JUAN AND ENRIQUE, ROSA, ANITA ♪

♪ JOSE AND CARMEN, JESUS, CONSUELO ♪

♪ MOMMA, YOU CAN BET YOUR BOTTOM PESO ♪

♪ SOMEDAY I MAKE HIM ONE TERRIFIC WIFE ♪

♪ IT GIVES ME MUCHO HAPPINESS TO SAY SO ♪

♪ WITH ME, YOUR SONNY BOY COULD HAVE A LIFE ♪

♪ SO, BOYS, NOW YOU'VE MET SPANISH ROSE ♪

♪ THE WICKEDEST FLOWER THAT GROWS ♪

♪ I'M WILD, AND I'M FREE, I'M WHAT I MUST BE ♪

♪ DON'T WORRY 'BOUT ME

♪ SPANISH ROSE.

( telephone rings )

- HELLO. - YES,

THIS IS ALBERT J. PETERSON SPEAKING.

IS ROSE ALVAREZ THERE?

- WHO? - CUANTO, CUANTO LA GUSTA.

I THINK I HEAR HER. COULD YOU PUT HER ON THE PHONE?

CUANTO, CUANTO LA GUSTA, LA GUSTA.

SOME GUY NAMED PETERSON WANTS TO TALK TO YOU.

TELL THAT WEASELY LITTLE RAT I'M NOT HERE.

THAT PROVES IT'S HER. WHO ELSE WOULD KNOW I'M A WEASELY LITTLE RAT?

- WHAT? - ROSE, I HAVE TO TALK TO YOU ABOUT CONRAD.

EVEN IF I WERE THIS "ROSE," WHICH I AM NOT,

THE ONE THING THAT WOULD MAKE ME HANG UP

IS ANY MENTION OF ANYONE NAMED CONRAD!

NO, ROSE, ROSE! PLEASE DON'T HANG UP. PLEASE DON'T HANG UP.

I WON'T MENTION CONRAD.

We can talk about anything--

you and me.

YOU AND I.

ANYTHING.

OH, ROSIE, PLEASE...

♪ TALK TO ME, BABY

♪ WON'T YOU TALK TO ME? ♪

♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY ♪

♪ BABY, TALK TO ME

♪ Must you be

♪ Oh, so far away from me? ♪

♪ IT SEEMS ALL WRONG THIS WAY ♪

♪ TALK TO ME

- ♪ AND IF YOU MISS ME - ♪ Mmm

♪ Tell me so

- ♪ Are you lonely? - ♪ Mmm

♪ TELL ME SO

♪ SAY YOU LOVE ME

♪ TELL ME SO

♪ HONEY

♪ Honey

♪ Let me know

♪ Mmm

♪ TALK TO ME

♪ TILL I PRESS YOU CLOSE TO ME ♪

♪ THEN YOU'LL SEE

♪ WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK AT ALL ♪

♪ Must you be

♪ Oh, so far away from me, baby? ♪

- ♪ I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU SAY - ♪ Oh, baby, talk

♪ TALK TO ME

♪ Go on, what can you lose? It ain't gonna hurt ♪

- ♪ AND IF YOU MISS ME - ♪ Tell him so

♪ ARE YOU LONELY?

♪ Baby, baby, tell him so ♪

♪ SAY YOU LOVE ME

♪ TELL ME SO

♪ Honey, honey

♪ LET ME KNOW, TALK TO ME ♪

♪ TILL I PRESS YOU CLOSE TO ME ♪

♪ THEN YOU'LL SEE

♪ WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK AT ALL ♪

♪ Till I press you close to me ♪

♪ Then you'll see

♪ WE WON'T HAVE TO TALK... ♪

♪ Ahh

♪ Ahh

♪ AT ALL

♪ Talk to me

♪ Talk to me

♪ Talk to me

♪ Talk to me

All: ♪ HMMMMM.

ROSE, ARE YOU ALONE?

NO, I'M NOT ALONE, ALBERT.

I'M WITH FRIENDS. THANK YOU.

SEE YOU LATER, BOYS.

"SEE YOU LATER, BOYS"?

AND THAT'S ONLY THE BEGINNING, ALBERT.

FROM NOW ON, THE SKY'S THE LIMIT.

PARTIES, BALLS, DANCES...

OH, CUANTO, CUANTO LA GUSTA.

- ROSIE? RO-- - ( clicking )

ROSIE? ROSE!

- HEY, WHAT GOES ON IN THERE? - THAT'S A PRIVATE ROOM.

- PRIVATE FOR WHOM? - FOR MEN ONLY, THAT'S FOR WHOM.

LISTEN, LADY, FINISH UP YOUR DRINK NOW, OKAY?

I'M TRYING TO CLOSE UP.

MEN ONLY, HUH?

THAT'S EXACTLY WHAT I'M LOOKING FOR.

Bartender: GENTLEMEN, BY THE POWER VESTED IN ME,

I DO HEREBY DECLARE THIS WEEKLY MEETING

OF THE MYSTIC ORDER OF THE EAST

IN SESSION.

FIRST I'D LIKE TO REMIND YOU

ABOUT OUR ANNUAL WEENIE ROAST ON AUGUST 4th,

AND TO THANK DRUCKER'S MEAT MARKET

FOR DONATING THE WEENIES.

NOW I'D LIKE TO BRING UP A SUBJECT

THAT I'M SURE IS ON EVERYBODY'S MIND TONIGHT.

IT'S A SUBJECT THAT'S DIFFICULT TO EXPRESS--

( Middle-Eastern music playing )

( growls )

( music fades out )

( music continues )

( groans, screams )

( shouting, screaming )

( screaming )

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HEY!

HIYA!

HA!

HEY!

HEY!

♪ WHEN I SING ABOUT A TREE ♪

♪ I REALLY FEEL THAT TREE ♪

♪ WHEN I SING ABOUT A GIRL, I REALLY FEEL THAT GIRL ♪

♪ I MEAN, I REALLY FEEL SINCERE. ♪

( men shouting )

- SORRY. - OH, THANKS.

HUGO, WHAT ARE YOU DOING HERE?

MY WHOLE WORLD IS COLLAPSING BEFORE ME.

KIM HAS RUN OFF WITH CONRAD BIRDIE.

( gasps ) WHERE'D THEY GO?

MY GREATEST FEAR IS THEY'VE GONE TO THE ICEHOUSE.

WELL, LET'S GO.

RIGHT, HOP ON.

I DON'T KNOW WHY WE HAVE TO RUN AROUND LOOKING FOR SOMEONE

IT WOULD BE BETTER NOT TO FIND.

LISTEN TO ME, SONNY BOY, COME HOME, HAVE A CUP OF POSTUM

AND GO TO BED.

I TOLD YOU I'M NOT COMING HOME UNTIL I FIND ROSIE.

IF YOU WANT TO GO BACK HOME, IT'S FINE.

IT'S NOT A BAD IDEA. WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, MOMMA?

WHAT DID YOU SAY, DARLING SWEETHEART?

I SAID, "WHY DON'T YOU GO HOME, MOMMA?"

WOULD YOU MIND REPEATING THAT ONCE MORE, SUNSHINE OF MY EXISTENCE?

I SAID, "GO HOME, MOMMA."

I DON'T NEED YOU ANYMORE.

SO IT'S COME AT LAST.

AT LAST, IT'S COME.

THE DAY I KNEW WOULD COME AT LAST HAS COME AT LAST.

MY SONNY BOY DOESN'T NEED ME ANY LONGER.

WELL, WHAT ARE YOU WAITING FOR?

GET RID OF ME.

PUT ME OUT WITH THE GARBAGE.

JUST THROW ME OUT WITH THE USED GRAPEFRUITS

AND THE EMPTY CANS FROM THE TUNA FISH.

AND NEVER MIND PUTTING THE LID ON--

LEAVE IT OFF

SO A 100,000 PUSSYCATS

CAN WALK ALL OVER A MOTHER!

WHO BRONZED YOUR BABY SHOES,

KISSED EVERY LITTLE BRUISE?

♪ PICKED YOUR DIRTY SOCKS UP OFF THE FLOOR? ♪

♪ YOU COUGHED AND WHO WAS THERE? ♪

♪ IT'S JUST TOO HARD TO BEAR ♪

♪ A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE ♪

♪ WITH BUNIONS ON MY FEET ♪

♪ I TRUDGED THROUGH SNOW AND SLEET ♪

♪ TO BRING YOU LICORICE FROM THE CORNER STORE ♪

♪ I SOLD MY TIFFANY LAMP

♪ SO YOU COULD GO TO CAMP ♪

MOMMA.

♪ NOW A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE... ♪

THAT'S IT. I'M READY TO GO.

AND I DON'T WANT YOU TO SPEND A CENT.

FANCY FUNERALS ARE FOR RICH PEOPLE.

JUST WRAP ME IN A FLAG

AND DUMP ME IN THE RIVER ON MOTHER'S DAY.

♪ AND, PRECIOUS, BY THE WAY ♪

♪ THE DOCTOR CALLED TODAY ♪

- MOMMA. - ♪ WHAT I GOT'S A CONDITION ♪

♪ YES, HE'S SURE

♪ THERE'S NOTHING THEY CAN DO ♪

♪ I'LL LAST A WEEK

♪ OR TWO

♪ BECAUSE FOR A CONDITION THERE'S NO CURE ♪

♪ THAT TIME YOU CAUGHT THE CROUP ♪

♪ WHO MADE YOU CHICKEN SOUP ♪

♪ AND READ YOU "BAMBI"

♪ TILL HER THROAT WAS SORE? ♪

♪ YOU SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE ♪

♪ THEN BANG! YOU GET THE KNIFE ♪

♪ NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE... ♪

- ( groans ) - AH.

THERE, I FEEL BETTER NOW.

EVERYTHING IS AS IT SHOULD BE.

A MOTHER IS LYING ON TOP OF A SANITATION TRUCK

BOUND FOR THE CITY DUMP,

AND A SON IS RUNNING AROUND WITH A FLOOZY

WHO CAME LOOKING FOR A GOOD TIME

AND STAYED TO RUIN AN AMERICAN WOMAN'S LIFE.

♪ WHO GAVE UP NIGHTS OF REST ♪

♪ TO RUB VICKS ON YOUR CHEST? ♪

♪ WHO NURSED HER SONNY BOY ♪

♪ TILL HE WAS 4?

♪ MY LIFE HAS BEEN IN VAIN ♪

♪ THIS COUNTRY'S DOWN THE DRAIN ♪

♪ 'CAUSE A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ♪

♪ NO, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ♪

♪ YES, A MOTHER DOESN'T MATTER ANYMORE. ♪

ARE YOU FINISHED, MOMMA?

YES, SONNY BOY.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA.

GOOD NIGHT, SONNY BOY.

MY NAME IS NOT "SONNY BOY."

GOOD NIGHT, ALBERT.

GOOD NIGHT, MOMMA.

YOU'RE JUST LIKE YOUR FATHER!

YOU'D MARRY ANYTHING!

( crying )

WELL,THIS IS THE ICEHOUSE.

WHAT'S IN THERE?

I DON'T KNOW, ICE, I GUESS.

ROSE?

ROSIE!

ROSE!

ROSIE?

( people shouting )

URSULA'S GONE-- DISAPPEARED!

SHE LEFT THE DINNER TABLE WITHOUT EATING DESSERT.

I THOUGHT HARVEY WAS DOING HIS HOMEWORK.

HE'S WORKING ON A SCHOLARSHIP TO URSINUS.

WHAT'S GOTTEN INTO KIM? SHE'S A STRAIGHT A STUDENT.

- WE'VE GOT TO DO SOMETHING. - SHOULD WE DRAG THE RIVER?

- WHAT'RE WE GONNA DO? - THE SHERIFF'S OUT OF TOWN

AT A POLICE CONVENTION IN TOLEDO.

- SHOULD WE DRAG THE RIVER? - WHAT ARE YOU ALL DOING HERE?

CONRAD BIRDIE HAS RUN OFF WITH MY KIM.

IF I DON'T FIND THEM VERY SOON,

I INTEND TO CALL THE FBI.

NO, I'M GOING TO CALL THE CIA!

WHO'S THE HEAD, DEAR? IS IT STILL PETER LAWFORD?

WAIT A MINUTE! HOW DO YOU KNOW ALL THIS?

HUGO PEABODY TOLD US THEY'D RUN OFF TOGETHER.

- I'M SURE IT'S NOT TRUE. - I'M SURE HE'S ABDUCTED HER, AS WELL.

I KNOW THAT'S NOT TRUE!

THEY'RE PROBABLY DOWN AT THE SWEET SHOP

HAVING A MALTED OR A PHOSPHATE.

- PHOSPHATE?! - THE SWEET SHOP IS CLOSED.

WHAT ABOUT THE DAIRY QUEEN?

CONRAD BIRDIE IS TURNING SWEET APPLE INTO A SLUM!

- ( shouting ) - ROSIE!

ROSIE, WHAT HAPPENED TO YOUR BLOUSE?

WHAT'RE YOU DOING WITH A GUITAR?

ALBERT, KIM AND CONRAD ARE AT THE ICEHOUSE.

WHAT IS THAT, A NIGHT CLUB?

- NO, IT'S AN ICEHOUSE. - THE ICEHOUSE?

- THE ICEHOUSE. - THE ICEHOUSE?

- THE ICEHOUSE. - THE ICEHOUSE?

DORIS, CALL OUT THE NATIONAL GUARD

AND THE R.O.T.C.!

CALL MR. KEEN, TRACER OF LOST PERSONS!

CALL THE SHADOW!

LOOK HIM UP UNDER LAMONT CRANSTON!

WHOO!

TO THE ICEHOUSE!

( angry shouting )

( cheering, laughing )

( softly ) THE ICEHOUSE!

( coughing )

WELL...

HERE WE ARE.

THIS IS THE ICEHOUSE.

IT'S FUN, ISN'T IT?

( siren wailing )

WELL, WHEN YOU'VE BEEN HERE AS MANY TIMES AS I HAVE...

CONRAD, YOU SEEM A BIT NERVOUS.

MAYBE A DRAG ON THIS WEED WOULD HELP RELAX YOU.

HOW ABOUT ONE OF THOSE REEFERS I'VE READ SO MUCH ABOUT?

I COULD GO OUT AND GET YOU A FIX...

IF YOU TELL ME WHAT IT IS.

( spits )

WHEN YOU'VE HAD A DONKEY ON YOUR BACK AS LONG AS I HAVE...

SO YOU SEE, I REALLY KNOW THE SCORE.

I EVEN KNOW SOME OF THE WORDS!

"CONNUBIAN."

"PRE-MARRY-AL."

JAILBAIT.

THERE YOU ARE, O SENSUOUS ONE!

WE'VE BEEN LOOKING FOR YOU EVERYWHERE!

THAT'S NICE. I THINK GOT TO GO NOW.

YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND-- WE'RE COMING WITH YOU.

YOU SAID IT-- WE'VE GOT A LOT OF LIVING TO DO!

- WAIT, WAIT. - WE'LL NEVER GO HOME AGAIN!

KIM, ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?

OH, HUGO, I'M SO GLAD TO SEE YOU.

IT'S OKAY. IT'S OKAY.

LOOK, I'M YOUR STEADY.

( girls screaming )

NO, LISTEN. THAT STUFF IS NOT AS MUCH FUN AS IT SOUNDS.

LET'S HAVE AN ORGY!

( screaming )

( screaming )

THANK GOD YOU CAME!

OFFICER, ARREST THIS MAN!

OFFICER, YOU CANNOT ARREST THIS MAN!

- WHAT'RE YOU TALKING ABOUT? - HE IS A FORMER EAGLE SCOUT

AND A SOON-TO-BE VETERAN.

HE IS A ROLE MODEL FOR THE YOUTH.

ALBERT, LET ME HANDLE THIS.

MR. MacAFEE, DO NOT ARREST HIM!

THIS IS ALBERT J. PETERSON SPEAKING!

WHY DON'T YOU GO BACK TO THE HOUSE?

I'LL GO TO THE COURTHOUSE AND TALK TO THE MAYOR.

I DON'T THINK YOU UNDERSTAND. THIS IS THE NEW ALBERT.

I JUST TOLD MOMMA TO GO HOME!

- ALBERT, YOU DIDN'T! - OH YES, I DID.

♪ I TOOK A GIANT STEP

♪ I'M MIGHTY PROUD OF ME

♪ TODAY I AM THE MAN I HAD TO BE ♪

♪ THOSE APRON STRINGS AT LAST ARE CUT ♪

♪ IT'S LIKE I GREW SOME WINGS ♪

♪ AND FLEW OUT OF MY OEDIPAL RUT ♪

♪ I LEAPED A GIANT LEAP

♪ I MADE THE WINNING PLAY ♪

♪ IT AIN'T JULY, BUT HEY ♪

♪ IT'S INDEPENDENCE DAY

♪ NO MORE "SONNY BOY," IT'S MR. ALBERT P. ♪

♪ I TOOK A GIANT STEP

♪ A SELF-RELIANT STEP

♪ A BRAVE, DEFIANT STEP

♪ AND I'M FREE!

♪ I CLIMBED A GIANT PEAK ♪

♪ A DARING THING TO DO

♪ I'M WAY UP HIGH, OH, ROSIE, WHAT A VIEW ♪

♪ I SEE THE FUTURE AND IT'S BRIGHT ♪

♪ IT'S NO MORE, "MOMMA, ANYTHING YOU SAY" ♪

♪ FROM MORNING TO NIGHT

♪ I TOOK A GIANT STEP

♪ A WIMPY KID NO MORE

♪ YOU NEVER SAW A TURNAROUND LIKE THIS BEFORE ♪

♪ IT'S JUST ONE SMALL STEP FOR MANKIND ♪

♪ BUT FOR ME

♪ IT WAS A FORCEFUL STEP ♪

♪ A MOST RESOURCEFUL STEP ♪

♪ A BOLD AND BRASSY STEP

♪ A SASSY, CLASSY STEP

♪ A SELF-RELIANT STEP

♪ A BRAVE, DEFIANT STEP

♪ I TOOK A GIANT STEP

♪ AND I'M FREE!

FREE!

OH!

ALBERT, OH, THAT'S TERRIFIC.

I'M GOING TO GO TO THE COURTHOUSE--

NO, ROSE. THE NEW ALBERT IS GONNA GO TO THE COURTHOUSE

AND DEAL WITH THE MAYOR. I'D APPRECIATE IT

IF YOU'D MEET ME AT THE TRAIN STATION

AT 6:30 TOMORROW MORNING.

I INTEND TO BE THERE WITH CONRAD.

BY THE WAY, ROSE,

HAVE I EVER MENTIONED THAT I LOVE YOU?

NO, YOU HAVEN'T.

WELL, I DO.

♪ ABOUT THAT DREAM OF HIM AND ME ♪

♪ IN SOME LITTLE TOWN

♪ I SEE THE SIGNS

♪ HE'S COMIN' 'ROUND

♪ TO A SONG WE CAN SING CALLED "HAPPILY EVER AFTER" ♪

♪ QUIET TALKS BY THE FIRE ♪

♪ AND A LIFETIME OF LAUGHTER ♪

♪ OH, CAN IT BE HE'S READY ♪

♪ TO SETTLE DOWN?

♪ JUST TAKE THAT ONE LAST GIANT STEP ♪

♪ AND YOU'LL SEE WE'VE FOUND ♪

♪ A DREAM TO SHARE

♪ WE'RE ALMOST THERE

♪ WE'LL SETTLE DOWN.

( water splashes )

HIYA, ROSIE.

HAVE YOU GOT A MINUTE TO SPARE

FOR A HEART-TO-HEART WITH AN OLD FRIEND?

OF COURSE I HAVE A MINUTE TO SPARE

FOR THE MOTHER OF THE MAN WHO LOVES ME.

MISS ALVAREZ, I'LL MAKE A DEAL WITH YOU.

I'LL GIVE YOU THE COAT OFF MY BACK IF YOU'LL GIVE HIM UP.

NOT A CHANCE... MOTHER.

THE CRUELEST WORD I EVER HEARD.

TO THINK I'D LIVE TO SEE THE DAY

THAT I'D HAVE RELATIVES IN EL SALVADOR!

ADIOS, MOMMA.

ADIOS, ROSE.

OH, CALL ME MRS. PETERSON.

COME ON OUT. THE COAST IS CLEAR.

MAN, YOU REALLY SAVED MY NECK.

I'LL NEVER FORGET THAT.

YEAH, BUT I STILL OWE YOU THAT GUARANTEE.

ALBERT, YOU DON'T OWE ME ANYTHING.

YOU GOT A CONTRACT WITH ME FOR LIFE.

LOOK.

THIS IS A BLANK PIECE OF PAPER.

I JUST SIGNED MY NAME TO IT.

YOU JUST PUT ON THAT WHATEVER YOU WANT.

THAT'S THE NICEST THING.

- IT'S OKAY. - Momma: HELLO, ALBERT.

ROSE, YOU LOOK GOOD FOR A CHANGE.

I KNOW ALL ABOUT THE TWO OF YOU.

DON'T WORRY. I WON'T MAKE A FUSS.

I'LL DO WHAT ANY INTELLIGENT MOTHER HAS TO DO.

GOODBYE, DEAR.

DON'T WORRY ABOUT THE COAT.

YOU'LL HAVE THREE MINK STOLES

AS SOON AS THE TRAIN PASSES OVER ME.

( train whistle blowing )

THE TRAIN'S COMING.

RIGHT ON SCHEDULE.

THERE YOU GO.

MOMMA, I HAVE NO TIME FOR ANY OF YOUR NONSENSE.

I WANT YOU TO GET ON THIS TRAIN.

- THE TRAIN RAN OVER MY HAT. - I DON'T CARE ABOUT YOUR HAT.

- A MOTHER DOESN'T NEED A HAT. - THE TRAIN'S MOVING. LET'S GO!

- GOODBYE, CONRAD. - ALBERT, WAIT!

- ALBERT! - BYE, MOMMA.

ALBERT, FOR GOD'S SAKES, DON'T LEAVE ME!

- BYE, CONRAD. - ALBERT!

BYE, MOMMA!

( train whistle blowing )

ALBERT, WHERE'S THE TRAIN?

IT LEFT AT 6:25, ROSE...

- YOU TOLD ME TO BE HERE AT... - WITH CONRAD...

AT 6:30 SHARP. I KNOW--

AND MOMMA.

ALBERT, YOU WANTED US TO MISS THAT TRAIN?

WELL, IT STANDS TO REASON, ROSE.

WHY WOULD WE GET ON A TRAIN TO NEW YORK CITY

WHEN WE HAVE TICKETS TO PUMPKIN FALLS, IOWA?

PUMPKIN FALLS, IOWA? WHAT'S IN IOWA?

A TEACHING POSITION AT THE PUMPKIN FALLS JUNIOR HIGH SCHOOL.

I READ ABOUT IT IN THE NEWSPAPER.

THEY WANT SOMEONE TO TEACH

DOMESTIC SCIENCE AND ENGLISH,

BUT THEY WOULD PREFER IF THE APPLICANT WAS MARRIED,

SO I REALLY HOPE YOU'RE FINALLY READY TO SETTLE DOWN, ROSE.

OH, ALBERT, AM I EVER!

OH, ROSIE, DID I EVER TELL YOU

THAT'S THE MOST BEAUTIFUL NAME

IN THE WHOLE WORLD?

♪ I WAS NEVER CRAZY FOR FLOWERS ♪

♪ I CONFESS THAT NOTHING LEFT ME COLDER ♪

♪ I COULD WATCH A DAISY FOR HOURS ♪

♪ AND ALL I'D FEEL WAS SEVERAL HOURS OLDER ♪

♪ LILACS OR LILIES, ANY BLOOM YOU PLEASE ♪

♪ ALL THAT THEY DID

♪ WAS MAKE ME SHRUG OR SNEEZE ♪

♪ BUT NOW I LOVE EACH BLOSSOM THAT I SEE ♪

♪ FOR A LOVELY LITTLE ROSE LOVES ME ♪

♪ NOW MY LIFE IS ROSY

♪ SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE ♪

♪ WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE ♪

♪ HOW COULD I BE BLUE?

♪ HAND IN HAND WE'LL MOSEY ♪

♪ ME AND LITTLE ROSIE

♪ WE WILL BE SO COZY

♪ BY A FIRE BUILT FOR TWO ♪

♪ OH, I ONCE HEARD A POEM THAT GOES ♪

♪ "A ROSE

♪ IS A ROSE

♪ IS A ROSE"

♪ BUT I DON'T AGREE

♪ TAKE IT FROM ME

♪ THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER ♪

♪ THAN ANY THAT GROWS

♪ AND THAT'S MY ROSIE

♪ I'M SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME ♪

♪ LIFE IS ONE SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME ♪

♪ NOW MY LIFE IS ROSY ♪

♪ OH, WE'LL BE HAPPY, I KNOW ♪

♪ SINCE I FOUND MY ROSIE ♪

♪ OFF TO THE PREACHER WE'LL GO ♪

♪ WITH A GIRL LIKE ROSIE ♪

♪ SO HOW COULD WE

- ♪ HOW COULD I - Both: ♪ BE BLUE?

♪ OH, WE'LL HAVE US A HOME OUT WEST ♪

♪ A NICE LITTLE SPLIT-LEVEL NEST ♪

♪ AND IN EVERY ROOM, ROSES IN BLOOM ♪

♪ BUT THERE'S ONE ROSE SWEETER ♪

♪ THAN ALL OF THE REST

♪ AND THAT'S MY ROSIE

Both: ♪ I'M SO GLAD YOU CHOSE ME ♪

♪ LIFE IS ONE SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SONG ♪

♪ WHEN LOVE IS RIGHT, THEN WHAT CAN BE WRONG? ♪

♪ LIFE IS ONE SWEET, BEAUTIFUL SONG TO ME. ♪

( instrumental music playing )