Bye Bye Baby (1990) - full transcript

Joey learns that his girlfriend and her daughter are moving to California.

Don't start!

I'm an adult, I can smoke if I want to, okay?

You talk, you're dead.

Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Okay, baby face, we're breaking out of the pen.



You with me?


Okay, let's go.

Make a run for it.

(CRIES) Oh, oh, oh.

I didn't mean to scare you like that.

Okay, it's all right, it's okay.

♪♪ Hush, little Gracie, don't say a word

♪♪ Joey's gonna buy you a Thunderbird

♪♪ Yeah, that T-bird's got a real smooth ride

♪♪ With real leather seats, not Naugahyde ♪♪

Hey, see that, see?

Yeah, see, that works every time.

That's why Joey's such a good babysitter.

Yes, I am. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, man, I tell ya, I missed all this with you, sweetheart.

Hey, if you ever want me to spit up on you, just say the word.

I'll get back to you on that. (CHUCKLES)

Hey. Oh.

Is this the children's book you've been working on?

Oh, yeah.

That's The Adventures of Wormy the Worm. (CHUCKLES)

See. See, this is the part where Wormy the Worm

is hiding from Doggy the Dog and Catty the Cat.

Who's writing this?

Joey the Joe. (CHUCKLES)

With a little help from the most beautiful girl in the whole wide world.


Without teeth.

It's all right, Dad. Yeah.

I think she's beautiful, too.

Yes, I do. Yeah, well, thank you very much.

Joey, do you smell something?

(COOING) Don't look at me!

No, I smell smoke.

(FUSSING) Hey, you're right, you're right.

Hey, it's coming from the bathroom.

Take the baby and get outside! Go on, go on!



Got a light?

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ I'm standing by your side

♪♪ I'll be right behind

♪♪ No one loves you more than I do

♪♪ Put your hand in mine

♪♪ I can see a part of me in you

♪♪ A little something special that comes shining through

♪♪ I hear it in your laughter

♪♪ And I feel it when you cry

♪♪ I will be right there for you

♪♪ Until the day I die

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter what you do

♪♪ You can count on me

♪♪ No matter where you go

♪♪ You can count on me ♪♪

Michael, I thought you quit smoking.

Honey, I told you, I only started again

because of all the stress at work, okay?

But as soon as I close this deal,

that's it, I'm gonna quit for good.

Hey, you closed the deal four weeks ago.

How many times have I told you

not to interrupt when I'm lying to my daughter?

Sneaking cigarettes.

I'm disappointed in you, Michael Taylor.

Oh, both names, I'm in big trouble now.

Is it good to smoke? No.

Is smoking a smart thing? No, it's not.

Then why do you do it? Because it's making me happy now.

When are you going to quit? Never.

I beg to differ. I have a long history of quitting.

Didn't I quit in '76?

And again in '83?

You didn't quit on your own in '76.

You had pneumonia and you couldn't smoke.

I could have smoked. I chose not to blow up the oxygen tent.


Okay. All right. Okay.


Yeah, okay, I am.

Yes, I am.

She wants you to quit too.

Okay, you see? I quit. All right?

There, everybody happy?


Hey, hey, hey.

Hey, Sarah. Hi, baby!

There she is. (CHUCKLES)

Hi, baby.

Hi, Nicole. How are you, Michael?

I can too quit!


So, what did you and Gracie do all afternoon?

Hey, we worked. Yeah?

She's my inspiration.

Well, then maybe she inspired you to take me out to dinner this evening?

Hey, got it all planned.

Great place, great food, low-key, perfect atmosphere.

Not Chuck E. Cheese again.

They're giving out free hats!

I have a babysitter.

I'll take you out to dinner. What do you say?

Well, I hope it's not the same babysitter

you had last time 'cause I didn't trust that one.

That was my mother!

I'm sorry. I just wasn't impressed

with her references. (CHUCKLES)

She raised me.



I'll pick you up later. (CHUCKLES)

Bye, everybody.

Bye, Sarah. JOEY: Here, let me get the door.

See you later. See you, Gracie. Bye.


Where you going?

I'm just going down to the store.

I ran out of my ability to stay here.

Get in here.

Michael, here, look. What?

Chew some gum. That's supposed to help.

You know, that's absolutely right.

That's what they say, chew gum.

If you chew gum, then you don't miss smoking

'cause you have the same, you know, the same fixation.

It's an oral thing. It's not even the smoking so much as the oral part.

As long as your hands are busy and your mouth is chewing.

It's as good as smoking 'cause if you're busy,

you're chewing, you don't have to smoke.

That's the beauty of the gum.

You have gum, no cigarettes. Just gum.

You're chewing. She's right. She's right.

She's right. Right, right, right, right, right.

Hey, you're outta control, babe.

No, I'm not. Not out of control. I'm fine.

So don't worry about me, okay?

Why don't you worry about yourself, huh?

'Cause you're the guy with the problem.

Hey, I got no problem.

Oh, no?

What about Wormy the Worm?

What about Wormy the Worm?

Bottom line?

Who cares about bait in a hat?

Let me tell you something, okay?

I'm creating a classic here!

Okay, there's a thousand stories you can do with a worm.

Oh, I got one!

Wormy goes fishing!

The end.

Dad! Don't even listen to him.

This is what people get like when they're going through nicotine withdrawal.

That's absolutely right.

I can say anything now.

No matter what I say, you have to forgive me!

'Cause I'm going through a very tough time now, okay?

There's gonna be a lot of changes.

It's a very tough period in my life. A lot of new things.

For one thing, I don't know what the hell to do

with my hands for the next 50 years of my life.

Look, here's a warning that the Surgeon General never told you about.

Caution, Michael may be going through mood swings.


Wide mood swings!

I'm talking about from here to way the hell over here.

And very possible, swinging right back here!

Just like that.

Big mood swings, all right?

Do we have any questions?

Are we okay with that?

All right. Good!

Nicole, you haven't left my side for five hours now.


That is five hours without a cigarette.

Well, thank you.

It does help me to know that you care.

Think of me as your conscience.

Yeah, well, I could think of you that way

or I could think of you as the child from hell!

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.

That was out of line.

That's all right.

Mood swings.

I understand. Thank you.

I feel like dessert. You want some dessert?

I want some dessert. Hey, gavelhead!

You think she'll understand?

Nope. See ya!


(CLEARS THROAT) No, I... Pie. I meant to say pie.

I wanted some pie. I just wanted to get

whatever kind of pie you have. Anything at all.

You choose.


I didn't mean that. That's smoker's withdrawal.

I just, you know, you just have to pretend not to notice.



And you pretend not to notice this.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

Hey, she was so great today.

I mean, she took a couple of steps. Yeah?

I've got some pictures. Look at this.

Look at that. Oh.

That's her first step. (CHUCKLES)

Oh, God. Isn't that great?


Here's her second step.

Here's me dropping the camera to catch her.

What can I say? The kid's adorable.

Yeah, well, she takes after her mom.

(CHUCKLES) Joey...

Hey, has she ever been to the Bronx Zoo, huh?

Because this kid, I'm telling you,

the animals there, they got this definite New York attitude.

I mean, they say,

"Hey, do I come to your house to watch you scratch your butt?"

(CHUCKLES) Joey...

And you know what else about this kid?

She's smart, real smart.

I tell ya, I think she's gonna be out of diapers before most kids.

Joey! What?


I don't know any other way to say this.

What? Gracie and I are moving.

What do you mean?

We're moving.

To San Francisco.


Job offer.

I've been waiting to hear for a while.



End of the week.

So that's it.

You were just gonna go and you weren't even going to talk to me about it?

Well, I just found out about an hour ago.

Joey, this is something that I can't pass up.


What about Gracie, huh?

(EXHALES) Well, I discussed it with her and she's fine about it.

Do you think it's right to just, you know,

uproot her like that? I mean, what about her friends?

When they learn how, they'll write.

Joey, Gracie's 11 months old.

This isn't going to affect her at all.

What about me?

You want to come?

Well, come on, you know I can't.

And you know I can't stay.

They're offering me a partnership, Joey.

This is for my future and Gracie's.

Hey, so that's it? Right?

That's it. Hey, goodbye.

It's been a great six months.

Hey, have a nice life.

It hurts me, too, Joey.

But what if I said I would stay?

That I would pass on San Francisco and stay here because of you.

That'd be good.


But it wouldn't be forever, would it?

I don't think either one of us was ready for that.

Come on, we'll all be okay.

We will. (SNIFFLES)

Hey, we're gonna be fine.



All right, get ready for the taste sensation of your lifetime.

This is my own recipe.

What's in it?

I don't remember. Pudding or gravy.

Want some?

BOTH: Pass. Alrighty.

You don't know what you're missing.



That was a beautiful thing to watch.

It's nicotine withdrawal, Judge.

I think he's pregnant.

I have this completely under control.

Anybody want a Dove Bar?

There's a moo-moo in his future.

Michael isn't the only problem, Judge.

Look at this.

It's a page from Joey's children's book.

Remember sweet, little Wormy the Worm?

"And so, curling up under the pink rose petal,

"Wormy the Worm pressed the detonator and blew Wormville to hell."

My, God. It's the Worminator.

Sarah and Gracie are moving away and it hit Joe pretty hard.

He went through this angry phase, and then... Then...

Now he's going through this thing, he's dating like a maniac.

It's sad. It's really sad.

It's his pathetic little way of substituting one thing for the loss of another.


My pizza's here!

How you doing, sweetie?

I'm okay.

And I think Michael's gonna be okay too.

Every once in a while he needs to be burped.

Pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza, pizza.

Hey, everybody.

This is Trish.

Yeah, she's, uh... She's in the Ice Capades.

Uh, Joey...

Hey look, here, why don't you sit down here? Come on, come on...

But... Sit down, make yourself comfortable, all right?

Judge, talk to her.

So, the Ice Capades you say?

No, and my name's not Trish either.


Hi, is Joey here?

I'm Trish.

Somebody had to be.



Well, come on in, Trish.

Have a seat next to, uh,

"Not Trish."

So, uh, the Ice Capades you say?


♪♪ Hush, little baby, don't say a word

♪♪ Joey's gonna buy you a Thunderbird ♪♪

Hmm, hmm, hmm.


Sue me!


Let me ask you something. Let me ask you one question.

What do we know about this Surgeon General guy? You know what I mean?

Is this Surgeon General, is he...

Is he really able to lead an entire Surgeon Army?

Or maybe he's just some lowly Surgeon Sergeant

who kissed a lot of butt to get where he is, huh? We don't know that.

We don't know. Michael...

No, no, no, no. Hold on, hold on. Let's talk about another man.

A great man. Sir Walter Raleigh.

Okay, the man wore tights,

but still, still this is a guy who, do you realize,

he practically invented Virginia.

Came from England, planted tobacco, boom!

He's got Virginia. And that's a hell of a state.

It's got... It gave us Patrick Henry,

Thomas Jefferson, George Washington.

♪♪ My country 'tis of thee Sweet land of liberty ♪♪

Sing with me, Joe!

Okay, I'm weak. No, you're not weak.

You're hooked.

It's hard, you know?

It's hard to let go of something that you really enjoy.

Something that's become a part of your life.

You're telling me?

Hey, hey, I'm trying to let go, too.

When is Sarah leaving?

Two days. Day after tomorrow.

I don't understand it. If you're so crazy about this woman,

why don't you marry her?


'Cause it's not just Sarah.

It's Gracie.

I think it's a little more Gracie than it is Sarah.

When it comes down to it,

I think I just really want to be a daddy more than I want to be a husband.

I guess we're both going through this withdrawal thing, huh?

Yeah, well, there's nothing much we can do about my little problem.

It's moving away all by itself.

But we can do something about this.

Come on, give me that. What are you doing?

I'm gonna throw these off the roof, Michael.

I'm gonna throw them off the roof, but I want you to say goodbye to them first.

To the whole pack at once?

That's so impersonal.

You know what? Let me say a couple of words to each cigarette, huh?

Just a couple of words. Michael, Michael, Michael,

if you really want to quit smoking,

you're gonna have to quit sooner or later, right?

Well, now is just as good a time as any.

Come on, say goodbye to them.


Goodbye. Okay. Yeah.

Hey, hey, hey, don't touch those! They're mine!



Uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.

Bag's full.

That's absolutely the last pack?

That's it, I swear!

I can put you under oath.

(GASPS) Joey.

Ah, you're good.

All right, look, remember. I'm quitting and I'm gonna need support.

So, not to be selfish, but everybody helps me.


Is this a good time?

It's perfect.

Hi, Joey.

Hey, what's up?

Well, we just stopped by to casually mention that there are more wide body

non-stop flights to San Francisco from New York

than from anywhere else in the country.

Goodbye? (CHUCKLES)


Have a good flight.

Nah, cut! That's no good.

Let's do it again. More emotion this time.

Come on.

Come on, feel it.

What are you talking about, huh?

Well, listen, you know this is your big goodbye moment,

and we all know how important goodbyes are.

And frankly, you're blowing it.

So, I'm here to help you.

Maybe they don't need an audience.

You know, you're right. You're right.

Lunch! Let's go to lunch!

It's on Gavelhead.

Ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow, ow.

I miss you already.


That was much better. (CHUCKLES)

Michael will be very proud.



What are you doing?

You got one more goodbye to go.


Hey, you got a little lunch on your face there, kiddo.

Hey, here you go.

Come here. You got a little lunch up there.


So, what are you gonna do without me, huh?

Hey, I just want you to know something, okay?

This was not my idea, this leaving thing.

All right? But it's gonna be good for you and your mom, okay?

So let's not get all colicky over this, okay?


Look, I'll tell you what.

Let's just forget about goodbye, okay?

Let's just forget about goodbye. Let's make plans.

What do you say we make plans, huh?

I'll tell you what.

I'll call you once a week.

All right?

And I'll chew the fat.

You chew the phone.

Hey, I'll tell you something, okay?

Your mom... Your mom's gonna be seeing some other guys out there,


So, I'm relying on you to be a big girl,

and you throw up all over them.


All right.


I know, I know. It's hard to say goodbye.