Buzzard (2014) - full transcript

Bored office employee Marty, is out to cheat the system. One day he decides to make his escape by swiping dozens of undeliverable refund checks from his company. From here, his small-time scams manifest into paranoia and violence.

N [ Video Game Music]

N [ Continues]

Come on.


N [ Theme Changes]

This fuckin' thing.



Fuckin' piece of shit.

Fuckin' piece of-

[ Man]
No, it's Persona 4. The same thing.

Why do I have to spend
every evening fishing...

when I could be studying for-

You knovv, increasing my stats and-

[ Mutters ]

Can I call you back? That's awesome. Cool.

Yeah. No, dude. I'll talk to you tomorrow.

- See you.
- [ Handset Settles In Cradle]

Hey, come on in. Sorry about that.

Little bit of, uh, afternoon business.

My name is James. Nice to meet you.

Yeah, I'm Marty.

So, Marty, they say you're looking
to close your checking account.

- Yep.
- [ Pen Clicking]

Any specific reason
that you want to leave First Federal?

- Not really.
- Oh. Okay.

Just let me or one
of my team members know...

ifthere is anything that vve can do...

- to improve ourselves in the future, okay?
- Oh, totally.

And your last name, Marty?

- Jackitansky. J-A-C-K-l-T-A-N-S-K-Y.
- [ Chuckles ]

Oh, Whoa. “Y”?

- Did you say?
- Yeah. S-K-Y.

Okay, sorry.
Could you just start from the beginning?


K-Y. Is that Polish?

White Russian.

Most people think Polish.

Jackitansky. Yeah, that makes sense.

Well! Let's get the paperwork going.

- Got the day off today?
- On break.

Well, vve will make this quick and painless.

I dorft Want them to wonder Where you are.
[ Chuckles ]

No, that's cool, man.
They dorft even know that I'm gone.

[ Laughs ]

Oh, man, I can tell you,
I feel the same Way on my lunch break.

- [ Chuckles ]
- No. I mean they think I'm still there.

I've been gone for, like, two hours.

Uh, so Where do you Work?

First Federal.

This building?

No. The branch clown on Washington,
Mortgage Department.

I'm a temp,
so they clon't keep track of us very well.

Okay. Oh.

[ Exhales ]

Yeah, let's get clown to business.

I'm just gonna need you
to sign a fevv things.

There we go.

Down at the bottom, please.

Just like that right clown there...

and signature and date.

- Okay.
- [ Clears Throat ]

So hovv would you like
your remaining balance returned to you?

Cash or cashiefis check?

Cash is fine. Doesrft matter.

I'll just go get your balance
from one of the tellers.

Any specific Way you Want your money?

It really doesrft matter.

Okay. One moment.

[Chattering Faint]

[ James ]
Okeydokey. Here vve go.

We got 100, 200, 50, 55...

and 38 cents.

- That's yours. This one is mine.
- Great.

Is there anything else
that vve can do for you today?

Uh, yeah, actually.

All right. What would that be?

I'd like to take advantage
of your free-checking promotion.

I'm sorry. W-What's-

The sign on the Window says you get $50..

If you open a free checking account.

Well, there are stipulations.

You knovv, you can't just close one account
and open up another one.

Why not?

Well, first of all,
it doesrft apply to employees.

I'm a temp.

Well, then, uh...

do you know that you need your checking
account to stay open for six months...

or else there's a penalty?

There vvasrft a penalty
when you just closed mine.

And hovv long was it open?

Today I happen to be celebrating...

the six-month anniversary
of opening that account.

[ Chuckles ]

Come on.

Come on, you-

This is a waste of my time.

Not mine.

You know you work for us'?

I'm a temp.

Doesrft look good at all.

It doesrft matter.

Th-There's also
a minimum deposit required...

to be eligible for the promotion.

Well, I happen to have $255.38 right here.


Can I ask you once again What was vvrong with
your original checking account?

It's irrelevant.

So you're just trying to cheat the system.


For $50.


[Typing 1

[ Woman ]
Oh, my gosh.

Marty, you've been gone for like an hour.

Actually, Stacy,
ifs been more like three hours.

- Hey, did my supplies come in yet?
- No.

And I dorft believe
you vvere gone for three hours.

I'm not stupid.


- Dude, check this out.
- What?

New music CD from my CD pal Tariq.
[ Sniffles ]

L-low long was that break, man'?

- Three hours.
- Three hours?

- You are gonna get busted, man.
- No, I won't.

What were you doing for three hours?

Man, I got the nuggets on three lives.

Oh, yeah, right.
You carft even get to 'em on 25 lives.

I did it, so suck it.

- That game's stupid anyway.
- No, ifs sweet.

[ Sighs ]
You ready for this, man?

Come on.

I think this is gonna be something
you really like.

Okay, here we go.

N [ Electronic Pop]

Feel it for a second.

Mmm, mmm, mmm. Mmm. You like this?

I: [Humming]

Mmm. Kubes.

- Whatever. Sit clown, Kubiak.
- Sorry, Kubes.

Mmm. Mmm.
You dorft like this stuff, man?

- It's not my thing.
- Oh, dude.

- Come by at 5:30.
- Why?

I brought in my subvvoofers from home.

- What, are you gonna party in the office?
- Oh, totally. Totally.

- Come by, dude.
- Yeah, sounds sweet.

It Will be.

Employee of the week nominations,
they just came out.

- Mm-hmm.
- I might be up, Carol said.

- Oh, cool.
- it'll be my fourth one in two years.


[ Scoffs ]
You haven't been nominated once, dude.

- No, I haverft.
- If you get six of 'em in one year...

that's a 25-cent bonus.

- What do you think about that?
- I doh't care, man.

- I'm done with this crap job.
- You say that all the time.

No, but I mean it, man. I dorft need it.

I'm sick of Wasting my time here.

I can make money anywhere.

Oh, yeah, What, just like cheat McDonalcfs
for the rest of your life?

Well, I got bigger things-

Busy, guys?

Um, I am.
I dorft know about Marty though, so-

Oh, he's bothering me.

- Good-bye, Derek.
- [ Scoffs ]

Nice, dude. Butthole.

- I have an easyjob for you, Marty.
- Cool.

These came back as undeliverable...

so try to look these people up
in the system...

and if the address isrft updated...

try to call them and get a current address.

Otherwise, try the White Pages.

Okay'? We just need
to make sure we have the right address.

They're just some small checks for taxes
that they've overpaid on.


I'll get to it, Carol, but, you know...

I got a lot goin' on around here, so-

You know What?
I'd like this finished by Friday.

Okay? Whatever you carft find,
just give back to me.

- Okay.
- All right. Thank you, Marty.



Hello. This is Martin Jackitansky
from First Federal Mortgage.

I was just calling to let-

Say, hello?

[ Scoffs ]


I was just calling to let you know
we got an envelope here that-

No, please hold on. You're gonna Want to
hear this. This is good HEW-

[ Stacy]
Marty, why do you even need this stuff?

You know, we clon't
even have this type of printer.

And this label maker?
This is like a $50 label maker.

And these pens are
the most expensive pens in the catalog.

And a heavy-duty stapler?

Why do you even need this stuff?

What do you care'? We work at a bank.

And we're temps.

Well, I'm getting hired in next month.

That sounds terrible.


- Hey, Carol.
- Hey, Marty.

Uh, just gonna take
some stuff clown to Recycling here.

Uh, that's fine,
but you know vve have people that do that.

- Right?
- Yeah, I understand that...

but, um, it was getting pretty full...

and I just figured I'd grab a breath
of fresh air, you know.

Well, okay. Suit yourself.


Hey, Mom. It's me, Marty.

I got your card in the mail today.

Yeah. No, that's fine.
I forget it every year too.

The reason I'm calling is,
you made the check out to Dana.

Wait. What?

I dorft know hovv to do that.
What do you mean?

Just write my name on the back?

All right, Whatever. it's cool.

Yeah, everything's good at vvork. Yeah.

No, ifs, uh-
They even asked me to be manager today.

So that's pretty cool.

Might do that.

No, I- I've been good about it.



Hey, Mom, I gotta go. Okay? I got a-

I got a bunch of people Waiting for me.

They're taking me out to dinner tonight, so-

Yeah. Friends.

Yeah, I got, like, 1O of 'em.

Okay, anyway- Yeah.

All right. Later.

N [ Speakers." Heavy Metal]

N [ Volume Increases]

N [ Man Singing, lndistinct]

N [ Song Slows]

N [ Normal Speed]

N [ Slows]

Hey, vvhafs up, Zach?

Uh, pretty good

Ah. More returns. All right.

You know it.

Got some weird toner stuff.


Ooh. Roller ball.



All right, in-store credit or cash?

Come on, dude.

All right. Cash. Hang on.

Uh, then an

[ Groans ]

Looks like an Uh-

No, I bought 'em like two days ago.


Wait, wait, wait. I'm sorry.

Is this like a coupon for a free one...

or is this just gonna be 50 cents off?


Oh! Beautiful.

All right, great. Yeah. Thank you.

- All right.
- [ Object Thumps]

- [ Derek] Hey, who you talking to?
- Hey.

- Yeah, no, I'm here.
- He's a liar and a cheater.

- Dude!
- [ Chuckles ]

Yeah, also my mailing address.

Who you talking to?

Okay. That's it?

All right. Thank you.

- What's this?
- All right. Yep.

- What is this, dude?
- Definitely.


Yep. Bye.

- Bye.
- What is this?

- Dude!
- What?

- Hey, come on.
- [ Chuckling ] What's this stupid drawing, man?

- What is this thing?
- it's something I'm making, man.

It's the plans.

This is plans for something you're making?

What is it, some Medieval butt-scratcher?

It's a glove.

- A glove?
- Yeah.

- It's actually kind of svveet.
- Yeah.

You're gonna make this?

With those things up there and stuff?

Yeah. They're blades.

Well, this looks like
a third-grader did it, man.

This blueprint- The scale's Way off.

Everything doesrft make sense.

If you Want a sweet blueprint of this...

I got this blueprint software
on my computer.

I'll give it to you for free.
it'll be Way better.

Don't bother, man.
I clon't ever even use my computer.

Yeah, What is that? You're scared of
technology and robots and stuff.

- With good reason.
- Yeah.

Come over to the party zone next week.

I'm getting a new computer installed.

That's gonna be
an awesome situation clown there.

- What is this party zone?
- Party zone-

I'm turning my basement into,
like, a party-zone thing, man.

I've told you about it before.

Hey, come on, man,
that's not your check, dude.

Whoa, vvhoa, Whoa.
That's not your check either.

Well, it vvill be,
if I carft find this persorfs address.

Those are the checks Carol gave you, huh?

It does- You carft just
take someoneé check and make it yours, man.

- It cloesrTt work like that.
- Yeah, I can.

I will do it- all the Way to the bank.

- To the bank?
- Mm-hmm.

Dude, they're not gonna cash that.

I've worked here
for three months longer than you.

They can see the front and the back
of every one of those checks.

You're gonna get in trouble, dude.
it's not gonna vvork.

I dorft think that's true, man.
I'll ask Carol.

Ask her.

I'm just gonna sign it over to myself.

Hmm. So it'd be like the time
you were at Best Buy...

- switching the price tags on the CDs.
- [ Mutters ]

Now that was hilarious, man.
This is what this is gonna be like.

- It's not gonna be like that.
- Yeah, its gonna be like that.

No. My mom told me that I just have
to sign the persorfs name-

Whds this? Wayne Needler.

Just write Wayne... Needler.

Pay to the order of...

Martin... Jackitansky.

- That looks stupid.
- Ta-da.

Dude, What are you eating?

Like a Milky Way mini muncher
or something like that.

It's gross, dude. Stand back. Geez.

You're gonna get fired
for that, you know that.

[ Scoffs ]
I vvish.

- You wish?
- Mmm.

Dude, this job is awesome, man.

Dude, no, ifs not, man.

We get paid 9.50 an hour? That's bogus.

This crap mortgage company
doing this crap work.

Fuck 'em.

Marty, from this job alone
I got like $400 cash at my house.

What do you think about that?

Dude, in this stack alone, 2,000.

- Novv that's the real deal.
- [ Scoffs ]

Doesrft matter. You're not gonna do it.

You're gonna wuss out, as always.

You're not gonna do it.

- Oh, yeah?
- Yeah.

- Yeah?
- Yeah. Not gonna happen.

Check this out.


You're the wuss.

Well, I'm gonna tell on you, so-

Hey, man, no you're not.
You're not gonna say anything to anybody.

- Okay, okay.
- You got it? Not Kubiak, not anybody.

- You understand?
- Okay. Chill out.

Ivvill strangle you.
lvvill break your neck and I will kill you.

- You got it?
- Okay! Psycho, man. Relax.


- Let's go to Taco Bell.
- Fuck Taco Bell.

L-low can I help you'?

I got this check from my mom.

The thing is that
she accidently made it out to my sister...

and I'm not exactly sure hovv this Works...

but she said it's okay
if I just signed my name on the back...

and signed it over to myself,
and I could cash it that Way.

Let's take a look here.
it's has to be a First Federal check.

- Yeah.
- Which it is.

And ifs below vvhafs in your account...

- so we can do that tor you today.
- Oh, great.

- Yeah, it's only like 1 O bucks.
- Yeah.

Is there anything else?

Yeah. Um-

I- I've got a few, uh, extras here...

just like the last one...

Where they're signed over to myself.

So- I mean, it's just-

Let's take a look. Um-

- Right. Well, they're all First Federal.
- Mm-hmm.

And this is below What you have
in your account...

- so vve can do that for you.
- Yeah, they're all small.

And I can get cash back
for those checks right now?

Um, yes.

With checks that are signed over...

you just have to have
enough in your account to cover them...

- and you do, so I can- I can do that for you.
- Cool.

Oh, and, uh, you knovv,
if you're ever in a bind...

the best thing to do is just go to the ATM,
deposit your checks there...

and then you can withdraw 'em instantly.



Like right there at the ATM
I can just get cash?

Right there at the ATM.

People do it all the time.



N [ Heavy Metal]

[ Grunts ]

N [ Man Singing, lndistinct]

N [ Continues, Muff/ed]

[Groans lnhales]

You're late again.


- [ Stacy] What? What is it?
- This stupid paper cutter out my hand.

Carol? Carol!

- Carol!
- [Carol ] What? What's wrong?

- The paper cutterjust out Martyé hand off.
- What?

- No, it didn't out my hand 0/7?
- Oh, my- Oh, my goodness.

Marty- Oh! Stacy, uh, first aid kit.

Ow. What were you doing?

Carol, ifs broken.
It came right dovvn on my hand.

Marty, you have to be more careful.
Oh, my goodness.

- First aid kit.
- Great. Great.

Okay, you guys, back to vvork.
Let's get to my office.

[ Man ]
Did you have your hand right in the middle?

Christopher, Derek, back to work, please.

I'll Wash this out too.
It should come right out, so-

Blood stains, Marty.

- [ Chuckling]
- [Carol ] Marty,

Here we go.

- Let's get you to Med Tech.
- Okay.

And this vvorft cost anything, right?

No. Of course not.

There you go.

It's gonna leave a little scar,
but it should heal soon. Okay?

Oh, man, that sucked.

- So you said this happened today?
- Yeah.

At Work?

- Yeah. Like an hour ago.
- An hour ago?

Maybe two hours.

Mmm. Looks like an older out.

Like a day or so.

Well, I- I dorft know.

[ Mutters ]


You dorft have health insurance, do you?




Okay. Keep it cold for the first 24 hours.

After that, change the gauze
every four hours.

A nurse is gonna be in here to give you an
ointment to apply over it. Okay?

- Really?
- Yeah, that's it.

When you leave,
go to the front desk and do the paperwork.

- That's it?
- Have a good day, Marty.

[ Carol]
Hey. Come in. Have a seat.

l-low's your hand'?

Uh, okay.

- Got some stitches.
- Ooh. Yikes.

Does that still hurt?

- Yeah, a little bit.
- Oh.

Did they send the paperwork over?

- They said they were gonna fax it.
- Oh, yeah, they sent it over.


Everything3 cool with that?
There's no problems?

- Problem?
- Uh, just Whatever.

No. Everything should be in order.

- Is that it?
- Um, yeah.

- You finish the stack of checks?
- Mm-hmm.

Okay. Good.

- Got 'em all done.
- All of them?

Yeah. I dorft know. It was pretty easy.

Wow. So you mailed them out?

Gave 'em to Stacy then?

Marty. Did you give the checks to Stacy?

No. I mailed 'em myself.


Just put stamps on 'em.

You paid the postage yourself?

No. I found some stamps.

Stacy has a postage meter at her desk.

Yeah, I knovv,
but I had some old stamps in my drawer...

that I just thought I'd use up, so-

- So they're gone already?
- Yep.

Okay. I guess we'll just have
to wait till next week...

and see ti they start to get cashed then.

- Okay?
- Uh, hovv do you do that?

I know the fund they get drawn from,
so thats pretty easy.

Right. Cool.

You know What? If you're really
interested in the process...

then from there vve can view a scan
of the front and back.

You know, for security.

- Security?
- Yeah, security.

We have access to the exact images
of all the checks.

You know, just in case
there's a problem with them.

Make sense? Marty.

- [ Objects Clattering ]
- [ Marty Grumbling]

Fuck! Fuck!



- Dude, vvhafs up?
- Nothin'. I'm fine.

- Did you get fired?
- No.

It's 'cause of your hand thing, right?

- You got fired, didn't you?
- No. Get the fuck outta here, man.

Or is it the checks?
The checks or your hand. You got fired.

Dude, Walk away!

I just gotta pee, man.


Are you just gonna stand there and watch me?

That's Weird.


- Hey.
- What?

- Let me crash at your place.
- What?

Yeah, let me stay in your basement.

[ Scoffs ]

Don't talk to me right now.
Don't look at me. I'm peeing.

- Dude, come on.
- Dude, I'm peeing.

You 93)' Pervert!
[ sighs ]

Dude, I am not joking around here, man.

Hold on.

[ Grunts, Chuckles]

[ Sighs ]
You wanna stay in the basement, huh?


You ready to dive into the party zone?

I dorft know What that even means.

Come on, man, the party zone.
I told you, I redid my basement.

- Novv ifs all party zone-
- Oh, God. Whatever, man.

I just carft go home right now, all right?
The shit is not cool.

There's like private
surveillance cameras all over my place.

[ Chuckles ]
Dude, you're such a chicken, man.

No. Carol can see who cashes checks.

- I told you.
- Shh!

- Shut up.

I told you. I'm right. You're wrong.

Whatever, man.
I just carft go home right now, all right?

So I need a place to stay.


- You need a place to stay, huh?
- Yeah.

Well, two rules when it comes
to the party zone.

First, you bring your own controllers.


ifs my rules.

Third, if you dorft wanna party...

you're in the Wrong spot.

Got it?

This isn't gonna be a party-zone thing, man.

Well, then no deal.

Dude, I'm 00min' over tonight.

Be prepared to party then.


Fuckin' loser.


[ Footsteps ]

When it goes through then it-

Yeah. lt'd come out like a cyborg...

with, like, fillings...

um, artificial hip.


Hey, dude, I'm gonna see you
in a little bit, man, so-

Yeah, all right. All right, later, dork.

[ Mutters ]

[Typing 1

Hi there. l-low can I help you'?

Is Zach working today?


He's usually the one
that helps me with returns.

I'm sure I can help. What's goin' on?

I clon't know, man.

It's a lot of stuff.

Guess so.

Yeah. I double ordered online, so-

Just lookin' to get my money back.

You have a receipt?

No. I didn't- I didn't print one off.

Order number?
Should be able to look it up that Way.

Zach doesrft usually ask for it...

so I never think to write it clown
or bring it with me.

Can I see your ID?

ID. Yeah.

I do not have that, man. I totally forgot.

Look, I make returns here all the time.
This is crazy.

Mm-hmm. I'm sure you do.

I'm gonna get my supervisor on the phone.

- See if I can get her to sort this out.
- Hold on. You know What?

My boss ordered those.

So I just remembered
that it should be under his account.

- Your boss ordered it?
- Mm-hmm.

- It's under his account.
- Yeah.

Whats the name of the business?

Goddamn. Fuck!


[ Footsteps Continue ]

[ Footsteps Stop ]

[ Knocking ]

[ Derek Whispering ]
You vvoke my dad, man. Come on.

[ Door Closes ]

Sorry, Dad. It was just Marty.

[ Mutters ]

Down here.

Dude, stay right there. Stay right there.

Wait on the steps. I've been working on
this. You're gonna love it.

[ Muttering ]

- ./'./' [ Speakers." Electronic Pop ]
- N' [Derek Humming]

- You ready?
- Yes.

Okay, okay, okay.
Here we go. Here we go.

[Derek imitating Mechanical Whirring]

Ladies and gentlemen...

Welcome to the party zone.

Mmm- Oh.

Dude, What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- [ Scoffs ]

I'm doing the party-zone thing, man.

Yeah, I guess.

U [ stops J

Well, Welcome to the basement.

Put your Hot Pockets in the fridge
and you sleep on the couch...

and I'll kill the party lights.

Come on in, dude.

This is lame.

- Ahh.
- This couch sucks.

Uh, dorft stay here, complainer.

N [ Video Game Music]

Just clon't let anyone clown here,
all right'?

Um, too bad. it's my house, my rules.

It's your dads house.

It's still my family's property.

My point is, this is my area now.

- This is Where I'm staying. This is my space.
- Hmm.

When you came in you saw OD tower,
work OD tower.

I have Word-processing CDs in that tower.

This is my spot.
it's my party zone, like I said.

So if you dorft like the rules...

go somewhere else.

- Party zone.
- Yeah.

You're gonna see-

You're gonna see vvhafs
going on here with this game.

I've had it like a week and a half.

I'm the best I've ever known
of anybody on this game.

You've never even seen level 10.

Watch this. Watch this.

One, two, three. Jump.

Extra life.


Watch this. Under. Over. Boom.

Huh. Uh-huh.

- What are you doing?
- Just getting comfortable.

Oh, I dorft know if I'm ready for that, man.
Keep 'em on.

- All your clothes, keep 'em on.
- What?

I dorft Want you
taking off your clothes in front of me.

Gay-wad stuff.

[ Scoffs ]

Whoa. Whoa. What are you doing?

- What are you doing?
- I'm trying to lay clown, man. Sooooh clown.

- You put your feet on me. - Yeah. Sooooh
clown, man. I'm trying to stretch out.

Dude, gay. Dorft do this.

Well, I'm trying to go to bed, man.

- Go to bed?
- Yeah.

- At 8:30?
- Yes.

- You're tired?
- Yes.

- You're serious?
- I am.

- What am I supposed to do?
- I dorft-

Go change your dads diaper. What do I care?

Dude, my dad doesrft Wear diapers.
You know that.

- Rude.
- Well, go feed him or Whatever.

D- He's gonna eat at 10:00.

I have an hour and a half.
I wanna get to level 10.

- I dorft have anything else to do.
- I dorft care.

I'm trying to lay clown here, okay'?

- Get some rest, all right'? So-
- This isn't gonna work.

Stop it.

Stop it, man.

What I'm gonna do, is I'm
gonna take my controller.

I'm gonna take it upstairs,
and since you didn't bring yours...

- you're screwed.
- I dorft care.

Here. Watch this.

- [ Woman On TV, Faint]
- Hmm.

Growing Pains. Hope you like reruns.

- I do.
- Yeah. I bet you do.



N [ Video Game Music]

[ Derek, Muffled ]
All right, coming back, believe it or not.

[ Man ]
Man, I carft believe it.

Oh. I gotta get into my mood here.

[ Laughs ]

Man, if I had to go through this every day,
I would 07s.


[ Continues, Faint]

- Feeling left out.
- it's just for fun.

It really is. I just do it for a kick.

I dorft take a lot of this seriously.

I take the impersonation itself seriously...

but as far as really wanting to be like
Olivia Newton-John, be Olivia Newton-John-

[ Faint ]
Olivia's Olivia.

[ Continues ]

I'm a guy, but I love Olivia.

[ People (Shattering On TV, Faint]

This is-

You gotta give me a little more room, man.
You gotta give me room.

- You've got plenty of room.
- No, my Wiener is right on the bar.

My vvienefis on the bar,
and I dorft Want yourvviener near my butt-

My vvienefis not near your butt.

I know, but if it cloes,
like, it's just gonna ruin it all.

It's just gonna ruin it.

Okay. That's enough.

- ./'./' [Electronic Pop]
- [ Derek] Okay, dude, ifs 14-1.

Here we go.

[ Muttering, Chomping]

[ Muttering, Chomping Continue]

Aw, clang it.

Dang it.

I can do more.

I'm gonna beat my old record, I think.

Dang it.

[ Groans ]

Keep 'em coming, man.

I'm doing pretty good.

Hey, ifs too much, Marty.

- Slow it clown.
- No, man. You're doing well.

- Uh-uh.
- Doing very good.

- Slow it clown, man.
- No, keep it going, man.

[ Indistinct]

- This is-
- [ Coughing]

Marty, slow it clown.

Marty, slow it clown.


[ Groans ]

Marty, that's too much.

Okay, look.

Marty, stop it, man. My-


Stop, man.


L-low many was that'?

- Oh, you got a lot, man.
- l-low many exactly?

I'll print out an award for you,
for your cubicle.


N [ Speakers." Hip-hop]

[ Derek ]
Okay, here we go.

[ Mutters ]

- [ Object Thuds]
- [ Derek Groans]

No points. Damn.

[ Marty ]
What's the score?

I think ifs 0-0 now.

I made a comeback.

No, I got at least negative 1.

Okay, 0 to negative 1.

Just give me a second. Give me a minute.

I like it like that. Mm-hmm.

Okay, dude.

I'm ready.

- [Thuds]
- Whoa!

Was that a tennis ball?
You're supposed to use a sock, dude.

[ Groans ]

Not now. Come on, man.

Throw a-
[Sharp Groan]

- [ Coughing]
- I'm turning off this crap music.

No, dude, this is my song, man.

[ Groans ]

[ Derek ]
Okay, that was in the butthole.

N [ Video Game Music]

[ Mutters ]

You're gonna lose to this guy.

You're gonna lose to him.

- Anybody ask about me at Work?
- Nope.

Really? Nobody?

Just Carol.

Whafd you tell her?

She asked where you were, so I tolcl her you
weren't coming in this week.

No, dude, you just say that I'm sick.

That's- That's What I said. That he's sick
and he's not coming in this week.

Yeah- Yeah, but how would you know...

that I'm gonna be gone for the entire week'?

I'll tell her tomorrow that you're really,
really sick.


Just dorft say anything.

- All right?
- Fine.

I'll send some e-mails or something.
I dorft know. Whatever.


Did anybody ask about the checks?

Uh- Ye-

Carol asked me
if you really did mail 'em out.

I just-

I told her that I didn't know
and it vvasrft a big deal-

Dude, why didn't you
tell me any of this earlier?

'Cause I told her that I didn't even know.

- So ifs not a big deal.
- Yeah, ifs a huge deal.

Why do you think that she told you, man?

'Cause we're- we're friends.

[ Scoffs ]

We're vvork friends.

I know.

She told you because you suck at lying.

Everybody at the office
knows you suck at lying.

Why are you being such a baby about it?

Just go back to vvork and bring all your
checks, and you'll be fine.

I carft just bring the checks back.

I already told Carol that I mailed 'em out.

- Then mail 'em out.
- I dorft have the addresses.

Look them up in the White Pages.


You're just making this Way Worse.


- I'm keeping them.
- Oh, that's a bad idea, dude.

That's why I gotta
cash those checks right away.

[ Sighs ]
You're gonna get in trouble, dude.

I'm sorry, man.

- [ Clicks ]
- 1U' [ Wdeo Game Music' j

I'm sorry, dude.


You can play the rest of my guy.

I dorft care.

Here. Play my guy.

Come on, Marty. I'm sorry.

You're freaking out. Relax.

Marty. Hello.

Come on, Marty.

- Hello.
- What?

N [ Video Game Music]


[Sirens Blaring, Faint]

- Ff/Ofi]
- [Sirens Continue]


- [Thumps]
- Derek!

N [ Stereo." Hip-hop Reggae]

[Gulping 1



I feel good.

[ Clears Throat ]

N [ Continues]

[ Exhales ]

I'm ready now, man. Do it.


Dude! You hit my glasses.

[ Marty ]

Okay, you just pretty much lost...

so I get a free shot at you right now.

Dude, I carft believe that.

Whatever, man. I'm psyching you out.

Oh, What are you gonna do,
cheat me more now?

What are you doing?

What do you got, man?
You can only use your hand.

Whatever you're doing is gonna be-

This doesrft make- I get a free throw at
you, so you carft cheat.

Oh! No way!

- When did you finish it?
- A couple of days ago.

Oh, that's sweet.

- Let me try it on.
- No.

Come on. Let me try it on.

- Cut your arm off, man.
- That is awesome.

- I bet ifs hot that sharp.
- Yeah, it is.

- Here.
- [ Rustling ]

What if I threw a Bugle at it?

Right in half, out of thin air.

_ [ Rustling ]
- Okay.

I'm gonna throw two Bugles.
I'm gonna throw three Bugles at you.

- I'll get 'em all.
- If one of 'em gets out in half, I'll believe you.

- You ready?
- Yeah.

- You sure?
- Yeah.

- Here they come.
- Okay.

- Let's go.
- Do it.

[ Laughs 1

Dude, that vvas embarrassing, man.

Those things are not sharp.
That sucks.

I'll sharpen it up a little.

No. It sucks, man.
It looks cool, but those arerft even sharp.

Couldrft even do anything with that.

I thought it was kind
of scary at first and sweet.

But ifs not that sweet. it's like a toy.

The scary employee of the week...

wrinkled shrimp-dick motherfucker!

I accept the challenge.



Your mind games dorft vvork on me.

' [Grunts]
- [ Laughs]

- Geez, man.
- [ Laughs ]

- I am king of the land!
- Go to hell.

Oh! Oh! Oh!

Dude, you out me.
You out me. You out me.

- Go get something. Stop the bleeding.
- All right.

I'm gonna bleed.
I'm gonna bleed. Dude, hurry up.

Oh, my gosh. Get a shirt.

Get a shirt or something.

Not that shirt.
That's my Souhdgardeh shirt.

- Dude, you dorft even listen to them.
- it doesrft matter.

Get something else. Oh, my gosh.

I'm gonna bleed soon, dude.
I'm gonna start bleeding.

- Hurry, hurry, hurry.
- Here.

- Oh!
- Geez.

Oh, look at that.

Oh! Oh!

Do you think that's gonna bleed?

- Dude, ifs not even out.
- I knovv, but-

I'm gonna start bleeding, right?

- Man-
- Oh, that's bad.

This is unbelievable.

Those things arerft even sharp, dude.
They suck.

Pssh. Lame.

So you just send the coupons
in the mail then.


Yeah. Jackitansky.

So, I'm already in the system?

Well, that was like two Weeks ago.
Different problem.



Can you hold on one second?

_ [ Dog Barking ]
- [Thumps]

Hey, What time is it?

Man, What time zone are you in?

L-low many hours behind? What-

Man, that's a strange vvork schedule, dude.


Yeah, you know What? I'm just gonna have
to call you back, all right?

- All right.
- [ Beeps ]



- Derek!
- [ Footsteps ]


- When did you get home?
- None of your butt Wax.

Whats all that banging going on up there?

That's my dads microwave.
I just brought it in. I had to move it.

- Did you get a microwave?
- Yeah.

Heat up this Hot Pocket for me.

You have a toaster oven.

- It sucks, dude. It cooks it all uneven.
- Too bad.

Come on, man.
Heat this thing up for me.

No. Besides, those two l-lot Pockets you ate,
those were mine.

I was gonna take them to lunch tomorrow.

Come on, man. I'll go get some coupons
from my apartment for you later.

Oh, I dorft Want coupons. I Want real Hot
Pockets. Carft eat a stupid coupon.

Fine. I'll pick some up at the store then.

Right now. Hot Pockets
and a big-ass Mountain Dew. Buy it.

- I-I'll do it later.
- Yeah, right.

You haven't even left the basement
since you've been here.

L- I Went out earlier today.

Yeah. I saw you outside today...

taking a big dump on the front lawn.

- Not.
- Yes, I did.

Get me Hot Pockets and a big-ass
Mountain Dew. Tonight.

- Do it.
- Dare me?

I dare you right now.

I straight up dare you, man. Do it.

[ Clears Throat ]

- [ Clerk] What's up, man?
- Hey.

- That it for you?
- Yeah.

You have any of the regular cheddar?

Those are cheddar.

No, man, these are ham and cheddar.

It's the only cheddar we got.

Yeah, but there's ham in these, man.

Um, I got a coupon too.

Uh, we usually clon't take coupons, man.

Come on. Help me out somehow.


All right. 7.47.

Seven bucks for this box?

I dorft make the rules.


Out of 10.

Hey, uh, you got any fives, man?

I need 'em for the register.

No. That's the only cash I had.

No fives?

Oh, yeah.
You know What? Guess so.

Cool. Hey, let me buy this off of you.

I'll make change for the rest too.

- Okay.
- All right, cool, man.

All right, so you give me
the 1O and the fives.

Let me give you a couple of ones for right
now, just to hold on to.

Let me give you this one.
You hold that for right now.

Man, hey, you catch the game earlier today?

You hold the 53 cents. Two from the 7.47.

You give me the five. There's the other
single. You should be good to go, man.

Hey, appreciate it.
You have a good night, all right?

You shorted me $5.00, man.


Yeah, you only gave me back 2.53.

Nah. No. No, man.
I dorft know What you're talking about.

- You got the right change.
- No, I know how this works, man.

You got me all messed up
with that fucking math, man. Come on, dude.

Look, you can come back tomorrow
after we counted the drawer.

Hey, dorft rip me off.
I'm just a regular guy, all right?

You got to come back tomorrow.

Take from the register, the shelves or
Whatever, dude. You know What I mean?

You're wrong.

Give me the five bucks back now.

You're gonna have to leave now.

I'm about to come over the counter and kill
you if you dorft give me the $5.00 back.

You can get the fuck out of here
before I call the cops...

and get your ass arrested.

You're a fucking thief.

Get the fuck out.

That vvas-
That was all the cash that I had, man.

[ Clerk ]

- What did you just say to me?
- I said leave, bitch.


Fucking piece of shit!

Smile, bro.

Shit. Ah, sh-

Ah- Ah, shit.

Took you long enough, dork.

- [ Groans ]
- Got me in trouble with that fucking dare, man.

- What are you talking about, man?
- When you made me go out.

What, did my dad just say something to you?

Why would your dad say anything?

Nothing. Just- About the checks, man.

What about the checks, Derek?
You told him, didn't you?

- It was an accident, man. I'm sorry.
- l-low you tell him accidentally?

We vvere just upstairs watching CS/J M/lamfl
and there was this, like-

- You fucking told him. Asshole.
- I'm sorry.

- Motherfucker.
- Get off me! Marty, get off me!

[ Groans ]

Get off me.

Marty, stop it.

Marty! Get off me!

I'm gonna kick your ass, man!



[ Grunts ]

Marty, stop it.

[ Groans ]
Get off me, psycho.

- Fucker.
- [ Groans ]

[ Coughs 1

Psycho, dude.

- Fucker-
- What are you doing?

I'm out of here.
This fucking basement sucks, man.

What is this?
You fucking touching my glove?

Jesus Christ. You fucked me.

You fucked me. You fucked me.

- Where are you gonna go?
- I don't know. To hell, probably.

Come on. Give me some cash.

- What'? - You owe me for this,
man. Come on. I got nothing.

- I dorft think I have any money.
- Well, check and see, Derek.

Okay, okay, okay.

One second, man. Relax.

- Come on! Hurry up!
- Hold on, hold on.

I got- Wait. I got, like, 15-

- This fucking works, man.
- I'm sorry.





Yeah, it turns out signing it over was
a really good idea.


No, I-I'm good.

I'm probably getting a raise soon,
so that will help.

Yeah. Hovv's Dad?

Yeah, well, he clicln't even tell me
he was coming into town, so-

Uh, Whatever. He's busy. I know.

Yeah, I'm fine. I'm "gust fired.

You know, work.

No. Come on, I've been good about it.

I dorft even act like that anymore.

I'm happy now.

Everyone really likes me.

Anyway- No, I'm just calling to say hi, so-

I haverft seen you in a While.

I'll probably be by for Thanksgiving.


Don't. Uh, I just- I'll walk over.

I clon't know-

I think that its “TV,” then “power.”

And then “auxiliary,” then “power” again.

Well, I dorft know then!
[ Clears Throat ]

Wai- Can you just
tell Dana and Kelly that I love 'em?

Please? Okay?

All right.

Bye, Mom.

[ Vehicle Passes By]

- The 7:30 for Detroit leave yet?
- [ Man] Not yet.

- What time is it?
- 7:25.

All right, so I still got five minutes?

- You know Where there's an ATM around?
- Up the road.

Is it a First Federal ATM?
it's got to be a First Federal ATM.

- I believe so.
- All right. Okay.


[ Beepiflg 1

[ Beeps 1

[ Muttering ]

[ Man On PA. Speaking Spanish]

N' [ Headphones:
Heavy Metal, Faint]

N [ Continues, Faint]

N [ Continues, Faint]

I have one adult,
nonsmoking room, for one night.

- Is that correct?
- Yep.

All right.
Will this be cash or credit today?


It looks like your room plus the fee
comes to 180, sir.


That's all right. I got that.

Thank you.

I'm also gonna need a card to keep on file.
Just for any incidentals.

Incidentals, huh?

That'll be perfect.

Is there anything else
vve can do for you today?

Yeah. You guys got like a large metal file?

- Um, I guess I could ask maintenance.
- Good.

Anything else?

You got room service up in this bitch?

I was Wondering if I get any free stuff.

Yeah, complimentary. That's What I meant.

Uh- I dorft know. Chips or anything?


- [ Man On TV, /n0'x'sz'xhcz']
- [ Clears Throat ]

All right, well, can I get like a-

like a $20 plate of spaghetti?

Oh, beautiful.

And do I get chips with that?

- Hello.
- [Woman ] Here you are.

[ Marty]
There you go. You remembered.

Of course, Mr. Jackitansky.

- [ Marty ] Thank you very much.
- Enjoy your meal.

[ Marty ]
Thank you.

[ Door Closes ]

N [ TV Continues]

[ Blows ]


[ Clangs 1

[Channel Changes]

[ TV Continues, lndistinct]

[ Snickers ]

N [ TV." Dramatic]

[ Man Speaking, lndistinct]


[ Blowing ]

[ Squeaking ]

[ Man On TV, Faint]

N [ Heavy Metal]

[ TV Continues]

[ Beepiflg 1

[ Beepiflg 1


[Chattering ]



I dorft have an ID for you.

Is that gonna be a problem?

Well, if ifs a cash transaction,
it shouldrft be a problem.

- That's awesome.
- Yeah, just fill that out.

And do you Want a tub room
or a shower room?

Is there a price difference?

Tub room's 22, shovvefis 28.

Oh. Uh, shovvefis fine.

For one night?

Yeah, one nighfs good.

All right.

Hang on to this key.

I dorft have a, uh, replacement.

- And if you lose it, you're gonna be out all night.
- Gotcha.

Okay. All right.

Your room is the last one on the left.

[Clattering ]

[ Man On TV, Faint]

[Channels Changing]

[ Applause]

Excuse me.

- Hi. May I help you?
- Yeah. Just, uh-

I need a copy of this key made.

Hold on. Hold on.
We don't do hotel keys.

No, no, no, ifs not.

It sure look like a hotel key to me.

It's not.
it's just a- it's just a house key.

All right. Don't want no trouble.

No, seriously.

[ Metal Scraping]

[Scraping Continues]

- [Scraping Stops]
- [ Man Blowing]

All right. A buck, 10.

You guys cash checks here?

Hell, nah. Read the sign.

N' [ Drumsticks Tapping

m: [ Rapping ]

N' [Continues]

N' [Woman Rapping,
Muffled ]

♪♪ [Rapping Continues]

- [Yelling Muffled]
- Oh, Je-

- Morning.
- Hey.

- Checking out?
- I'm checking out.

Key. Thank you.

Hey. Did anyone come
looking for me last night?

Excuse me?

Did anyone come, like, looking for me?

- Are you in trouble?
- No.

I certainly hope not.

We pride ourselves on our customers
abiding by the law...

- and following our very simple rules.
- Oh, yeah?

Like that chick outside my Window yelling
that song at the top of her lungs all night?

I have no idea What you're talking about.

We take hospitality very seriously here.

[ Scoffs ]
Whatever, man.

[ Man In Film]
No one else.

[ Woman In Film] Well, maybe we can
pick up where we lefi off.?

[ Knocking Softly]

' _[ Door Opens]
- [ Hmges Squeaking]

[Hinges Continue Squeaking]

[ Door Closes ]

- [ Clattering ]
- [Woman ] What the fuck?


- Hey. l-low you doing?
- Who the fuck are you'?

- Hey. Don't worry about it. I'm out of here.
- Larry!

Well, who are you? Larry!

You don't have to call anybody. I'm leaving
right now. I'm just gonna grab my stuff.

- Larry!
- You dorft have to call anybody.

- I'm taking off.
- Larry, get in here!

- No, really, seriously, I'm out the door.
- He was asleep.

- Hey, Larry.
- Just laying there.

- [ Larry] Hovv'd you get in here?
- Door was open.

[Woman ] No, that is not true.
it was locked all night.

Call the oops.
Tell them we have an intruder.

No, clon't. Don't call the oops.

- It's not necessary.
- [ Larry] Call the cops.

- Call the cops.
- No, you dorft have to call anybody-

Sit the fuck down!

Call the cops.

- Seriously, hang up the phone.
- [ Larry] Shut up.

Look at me.

You're that weasel
who was here two nights ago.

Call them.
Tell them we got an intruder...

- who broke into the room.
- Don't call them.

- Call the cops.
- Hang it up.

- Shut up. Call the cops!
- Hang up the phone.

- Call-
- Hang up the phone!

Hang up the phone.

No problems. Just go.

[Chattering ]

Hi. Uh-

The- There's something that's just a little
funny about this Egg MoMuffin.

Okay, I can get you a fresh one.

There you go. Sorry about that.

And, uh, you dorft have like a little pair,
like, scissors, do you?

[Chattering ]

- [Woman ] Hi.
- Hey.

Payday loan?

No, actually, just, uh, cash some checks.

Well, do you have your form ready then?

My form?

Right. Uh, no.

Take this. Fill it out.
Bring it back up. And have an ID ready.

[No Audible Dialogue]

Your ID?

These checks arerft in your name.

Well, yeah, they were sign-
I signed them over to me.

- You What?
- I mean-

They've been signed over to me.

Uh- Just-

That's not a big deal, right?
it's a normal thing.

Just hang on one minute. I'll- I'll be right
back. Just give me one minute.

If ifs a problem,
I dorft need 'em cashed right now. You-

Uh, can you come back here
for just a second?


Good. Figure out hovv to get you your money.
Right through there.

L-low's it going?

All right.

So ifs Martin- Uh, vvhafs the-
Hovv do you say your last name?

- Jackitansky.
- Jackitansky.

Right. ifs Polish.


- You sure ifs not Polish?
- Yeah.

I'm Kovvalczyk,
and that's Polish. That's why I was asking.


I'm being rude.
I never really introduced myself.

Um, I'm Craig Kovvalczyk,
and this is my place.

- L-low you doing?
- All right.

So, What do you do for a living, Martin?

L, uh- I vvork at Walmart.

I love that place.

What do you do there?

I'm a night stocker.

Night “stalker”?

I stack shelves at night.

Oh, right.
[ Chuckles ]

L- I heard something else, but-

Of course that makes Way more sense.

Which one do you vvork at?

I dorft know. The big one.

The big one. Uh- The big one that's like
right off the highway?

They're all the same, dude.
Look, What is up here?

You're gonna cash these checks or What?

Are you in a hurry'?
Do you have work tonight?

- Yeah.
- Okay.

- What time- What time you got to Work?
- Like, in 1O minutes.


[ Sighs ]
Probably have to call 'em.

I dorft Want you to get in trouble...

but we got to get this all sorted out.

L-low- I clon't even care anymore.

L- Really, just-
I'll cash 'em later. it's not a big deal.

It shouldrft take her too much longer.

We got to Wait for someone else to get here.

- Who?
- I had to call someone else in.

- You know, protocol.
- Who'?

Who? it's just protocol.
You got to do things in a certain order...

and so vve got to Wait
for this other guy to get here.

What is this protocol, man?
You're not even making any sense.

- What is this?
- [Clears Throat] All right, uh-

You Want me to come direct, Martin?

You got, uh- You got five checks here.

None of 'em are in your name.

- No, they're all signed over to me.
- Oh, yeah. Yeah.

Yeah, I see that
they've been signed over to you.

I get that.

In my business,
this is Whats called a “red flag.”

First off, we clon't cash checks
that are signed over like that.

“Red flag.” Is that a, uh, technical term?

You're trying to be an asshole?

'Cause I'm trying to be cool.

Novv, anytime someone comes in here
with something like this...

I'm trained to call the authorities.

Authorities? Well, vvhds that?

Who do you think it is, Martin?
I'm trained to call the police.

You called the cops?

We take this very seriously, Martin...

because ifs very rare that someone
would have five of these...

made out to them in this Way.

I'm not accusing you of anything.

L- I'm just trying to make sure you know
exactly vvhafs going on here.

Okay? Yeah, I called the police.

They're gonna come in.
They're gonna ask you some questions...

make sure everything checks out, all right?

It shouldrft be too big of a deal.

You seriously called the cops?

It's not a big deal, Martin.

- Yeah.
- Unless you're trying to commit a crime.

I hope that's not What this is.

Geez, man, I mean- But I've seen it all.

Yeah. I've seen people
snatched up by the police...

for some stupid-ass $200 scam.

But, man, you've only got
$90 worth of checks here.

So thafd be pretty dumb.
I mean, if you know What I mean.

Man, you're the one that's doing Wrong here.

What are you talking about?

This whole business is a crime.

Well, you know, we can ask the officers if
they agree with you when they get here.

Just give me my ID back, dude.

Uh, I clon't-
I clon't work like that, Martin.

You got to realize that you'd be facing
more than forgery here.

Okay, this could be Way Worse.

I Want my ID back.

You need to take a deep breath,
and you need to settle down...

and vve're gonna Wait this shit out together.

You- You're an asshole, man.

I'm sorry. What?

You're shit. Everything you do is shit.

This whole corporate thievery.

This is wrong. You know that?

Where you get “corporate” from'?
I own this place.

Well, fuck.
Whatever, man. That's Worse.

Jesus, man. I'm gonna come over there-

You need to settle dovvn and chill out...

and vve're gonna Wait this shit out.

I'm gonna strangle you
and rip your fucking face off.

- You're gonna play tough guy now?
- Yeah. Yeah.

Well, let's do it before the cops get here.

You knovv, you're the reason
people get mad and die, man.

I'm gonna kill you, you understand?

You need to calm dovvn until they get here.

- No. I'm leaving.
- No, no, no, you're not.

- Get the fuck off of me!
- You calm the shit down!


You little shit!

[Clattering ]

What the hell are you doing?

- What the hell is that?
- [ Body Thuds]


I'm ta-taking the checks
and I'm taking my ID.


Oh, you-
[ Coughs ]

[ Man In Film]
Find your jacket?

- Happy, baby?
- [ Woman] Yes.

[ Animal Roaring, Grow/mg]

[ Woman Screaming]

[ Man Shouting, lndistinct]

[ Man Shouting, People Screaming]

Dude. Yeah, ifs Marty.


Don't worry about where I'm at.

Look, is anybody asking about me at Work?

No, not like Stacy.

Carol? She say anything?


Carol got fired?

So I'm good then. There's no way-

The checks, man. That's it. I'm free.

Oh, beautiful.

All right, man. That's- Hey.

Yeah, I'm sorry about that, man.

Look, I'll pay you back.
Don't worry about it.

I'll pay you back next time I see you.

No, I promise.

All right, I gotta-

No, it's- it's “Sasquatch” everywhere.

It's “Yeti” in the Himalayas.

I know. “Skunk Ape” in Florida.
I know. That one is so Weird.

Look, I carft do this right now, man.
I gotta go, all right?

Okay. I'll talk to you later, Derek. Okay.

All right. Later, dork.


N [ Heavy Metal]

N [ Man Singing, lndistinct]

N [ Continues]

u [ Ends J

Subtitles by
Captions, lno, Burbank, CA