Buying the Cow (2002) - full transcript

David Collins is a commmitment-shy Los Angeles yuppie whose girlfriend of many years, advertising executive Sarah, gives him an ultimatum: commit or get out. David has two months to decide if he wants to stay with Sarah as she leaves town for a job in New York. Following the advice from his more outgoing friends, David hits the dating scene as he tries to find his one and only soul mate, a mysterious woman he sees again and again, but always gets away before he can talk to her.



MAN: There's an old saying:

"Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk for free?"

It's a fascinating
philosophical query.

Marriage versus sex.

And if you're
considering the former,

odds are you'll hear the saying
from a friend who claims

to be getting an abundant
amount of the latter.

And, incidentally,
it's bullshit.

Bullshit? You think
this is bullshit?

Well, yeah.

Well, it isn't.
After five years, I think I have

the right to broach the subject.

So you broach and we talk.
You don't have to give me

an ultimatum--

Ugh! Don't use that word.
I hate that word.

I'm not too fond of it either,

but what else
would you call this?

A deadline.


So I'm a little indecisive.

-It doesn't mean you have
to hold a gun to my head.



Don't be so melodramatic.
That's why I'm taking

this transfer.

I'll be 3,000 miles away.
I can't hold a gun to your head.

-Stop saying that!

Shit! Admit it.

You're using this transfer
thing as an ulti-- Deadline.

Okay, so I wouldn't have
signed up for it

if you hadn't freaked
on Tyler's news.


David! What's up,
what's up, what's up!

Tyler, you are wasted.

TYLER [ON PHONE]: Oh, damn.
How'd you know, my brother?

-The faux urban street slang.

-Nigger, please!
-What time is it back there,

like, 2:00?

You know this city never sleeps.
You ought to be countin'

on your sheep.

Hey, listen, man.
I met the most amazing woman.

-She is--

Better than fly, man.
She's super fly.

What'd I tell you about drinking
and dating?

Why don't you go to
bed and sleep her off?

-Dude, we're gettin' married!

You got to meet her, man.

-You and Sarah. She's like--
-Super fly?

She's better than
super fly, man.

She's the one. You know how
they say you can just tell?

Yo, you still there, bitch?

Yeah, I'm here.
I'm just--

This is it, man.
It just hit me, you know?

It was like a blinding
realization, like pure truth.

Anyway, you and Sarah
got to meet her.

You're gonna love her.

Her name's Julie.
She's sweet. She's beautiful.

She's choco-licious.

-Tyler? Hello? Tyler? You okay?


-Sounds like true love.

So, you are leaving me alone to
deal with this for two months?

You need to be alone
to deal with this,

which is why I strongly
advise you against

consulting with Mike.

Bellissimo. Magnifico.

You are so hot.

You beast.

Is that Ricky Martin
over there?

God, no. That's Mike Hanson.

You're beautiful. Hey. Shh.
Modesty now. Modesty.

I love you.
Shh, shh, shh! No words.

No, I'm not.
Yes, I am.

Don't do it.
I'm doin' it.

Don't do it.
I did it.

-[DEEP VOICE] I'd do me.

Oh, man!
The teste tuck again?

Do you like what you see?

-Would you put on some clothes?

We only got two hours
of happy hour left.

Okay, let me just
get my towel, okay?

-Oh, got it. There we go.

You got issues.
I mean, real issues.

He may be your friend,
but he's no Deepak Chopra.

He is also not
running off to New York.

Use this time to make
an informed decision,

or none of this
will mean anything.

I can't let this
not mean anything.

Whoo, boy.
So you love her, right?

-Of course I love her.
-Well, there you go.

Let's not get carried
away here, guys.

No one's doubting your love
for each other, all right?

A blind man could
smell your love.

-But this is a major--

No, colossal thing
you're considering here.

As your friend
it's my duty to ask

the tough questions, okay?

-DAVID: What?

Sex is still good?

Yeah, the sex is awesome.
Look, I've got no complaints

with what we have.

It'd be a lot easier
if I did.

There's got to be something.
You waited five years.

-So what is this?
-It's nothing.

Let's just drop it.

We're your friends.
We want

to help you, but we can't do it
unless you let us in!

-It's no one thing, all right?

There's a lot of factors
in this kind of situation.

So, what is it?
Give us one.

-Other women, all right?
-You've had other women?

How many?

I'm not quite sure
that I've had enough.

JONESY: That's ridiculous.
How many is enough?

-It's twice your age.
-Oh, shit. Really?

Hey, Mike. It's not about
quantity. It's about quality.

MIKE: Oh, eat me.

What's wrong with going
for both quality and quantity?

Oh, yeah.
Be the best you can be.

That's the American way.



-MIKE: Foul.

-That's foul.
-What foul?

Humping. Before the shot,
you were humping me.

-Oh, I was humping you?
-Prison style.

Yeah, whatever. If I was
humping you, you'd know it.

-Would I?
-Yeah, you'd know it.

You'd feel it if I was.
I wasn't humping you.

-MIKE: Deep, right?

DAVID: A little help?

The thing is, I never expected
to feel empowered.

For better or for worse,
something is set into motion,

and I set it off.

God. Am I a manipulative
bitch or what?

Welcome to my world.

You should feel empowered.
It wasn't easy,

but it had to be done.

What was the alternative?
To keep waiting?

It's not like the sex
gets better with every

passing year, right?

I'm sorry that was so quick.

-I'm kind of beat.
-That's okay.

Orgasms are
overrated anyway.

Hey, South Park's on.

Look, you had
the courage to look him

in the eye and say,

"Buddy boy, it's time to shit
or get off the pot."

And marrying me
would be the shit part of

that colorful analogy?

WOMAN: Okay. I'll be right back.

I'm sorry. I don't get it.
Sarah's hot, man.

Behind every
good-looking chick is a guy

who's tired of nailing her.

-Am I right, Davey?
-No, you're wrong, asshole.

So who's missing from
your repertoire?

Wilderchicks, the Amish, what?

It's not like that.
Let's just drop it,

all right?

Do you guys
believe in "the one"?

As in one soul mate,
a perfect match that

completes us, makes us whole?

-Hell, no.

I don't know.
But if there

is such a thing and Sarah's it,
then that means it's inevitable.

-It's a lock, right?
It's like destiny.

-Yeah, I guess so.

Okay, so if it's inevitable,
why rush into it?

You're still not
telling us everything.

Of course I'm not.
You're my friends.

It's stupid.

-Come on! Help us help you.
-Please, man.

Okay, I'm gonna tell
you guys a little story.

I have never
told anyone this...

before... ever.

When I was 18 years old,

my family and I were flying home

from a vacation we took
in the Caribbean.

-It was a fun time.

-Very nice vacation, Club Med.

We were in line
to get on board,

when I happened to glance over
to the gate across from us,

and that's when I saw... her.

She glowed.

There was, like,
a light all around her.

It was blinding.

I swear I have
never felt anything

that powerful before or since.

Something about her sucked me
away from that plane

and drew me right back to her.

There she was.

With a strength
I wish I still possessed,

I floated towards her.

I introduced myself
and told her how I felt.

I gave her my address

and told her if she felt it,
too, she should write me.

Young blood
had him some balls.

I had no choice.
I was being driven

by a higher power.

Call it the lightning bolt.
Call it a connection,


-So did she write you?
-Not at first.

Every day
I checked that mailbox.

I checked all that summer,
and nothing.

Then, one day, it came.

It was more than
I could have hoped for.

She professed her love to me.

She said she, too,
got a jolt down her spine

that glorious day we met.

It was more beautiful
and poetic than she was,

which I didn't think
was possible at the time.

I immediately wrote her back.

I told her that I wanted us
to run away together,

make love under the stars,

make babies.

It was clear to both of us.

We belonged together.

No fear.

No doubt. Perfect.

-Young love.

Too young,
as it turned out.


Apparently, she was
an amazingly hyperdeveloped

11-year-old girl.

-JONESY: What?!

Her parents found my letters
and quite understandably...

freaked out.

-What were you thinking?!
-DAVID: They contacted

our local authorities,

who swiftly moved in to stop
the town's budding pedophile.

After they made my father
promise that his sicko son

would cease contact
with any more little girls,

they left him to scream at me
for over an hour, mostly

about how I could flush

any chances of a political
career down the toilet.

That's a fucked-up story, man.

You're the only people
I've ever told.

Can you keep it that way?

It makes you seem
kind of creepy.


-David Collins Graphics.

Sarah, hey. How are you?

I just thought I'd call
and see how you were.

I'm fine. How are you?
How's New York?

Busy, but this city
is so incredible.

I wish you were here
with me. Oops. Shit.

"Oops, shit" what?
Why "Oops, shit"?

I made a list of all the things
I wasn't going to say to you,

like, "I miss you,
I wish you were here," all that.

-So how are ya?
-Miss you.

Wish you were here.
All that.

Hey, I talked to Tyler.

He and I are gonna try
to get together for dinner,

Great, great.
Be sure to thank them

for ruining my life.

Listen, I just wanted to let
you know I made it here okay.

Oh. Is that it?

Well, I gotta get back to work,
so I should--I should go.

Yeah. Yeah, me too. Uh--

Okay. Bye, David.


I'm just saying, it's
been a week and a half now.

All you've done is
sit around the apartment.

It's no good.

She wants me to give the
situation serious thought, and

that's what I'm trying to do.

-Finish it, Tiny!

How's that working so far?
Been doing a lot of thinking?


No! You are useless!


-What was that?
He can't do that.

-Actually, I think he can.

She wants me to make
an informed decision,

and I'm gonna respect that.

No, what she wants
is for you to wallow around

your apartment like some hermit.

Ante up. Who you like?

-Give me five on super thong.
-I'm gonna take the one

with the nice rack.

She is bankin'
on your misery, bro,

hoping you will
sit around bumming out.

-That's gotta hurt.

And that, my friend,
is how you make

an uninformed decision.

You want to make
a truly informed decision?

Get off your ass and go see
what it's like out there.

Get in the game.

The game, I.E., hitting
the meat market clubs with you.

No. No, no. No, hitting them
with me and Jonesy.

DAVID: There are some major
fundamental problems

I have with,

"Why buy the cow, when you can
get the milk for free?"


For one thing,
women are not cows.

And by that I mean,
they're not so generic.

I think most reasonable people
would agree that a cow

is a cow is a cow.

This is not true of women.

Things might be simpler
if it were.



-MAN: Yeah!
-Yo, Mike.

-Excuse me.

-Excuse me.

-It's packed.
-Yeah, busy.

-Yeah. Thank you.

Hey, excuse me.
You might have

offered to help me.

If you please,
a beer for my friend.

Thank you.

Hey, man, listen.
Sorry to do this to you,

but I gotta go.

-Hey, asshole.

What is your problem?

-You shouldn't drink any more.
-Why shouldn't I?

I just got here.

-Because you're
driving me home.

-Oh, God.

Oh, God.

-What's up?
-Hey, hey, hey.

-Buy you a drink?
-Actually, I think

I'm going to leave.

-You ain't married, are you?
-Not yet.

You'd better hurry though.

-Another round.
Did Mikey show?


Cute. How'd he play her?

I think he used the


It never fails, man.

You miss her, huh?

You kidding?

Surrounded by all
these available women?

More than ever.

I know the feeling,
only worse.

Imagine feeling like that
in this place... without

havin' anybody to miss.

Hey, how you doin'?

You ready to go?


Okay, so you had a close
encounter with something.

You saw the light in the

Ten years later, it's
still messin' with your head.

It was important.
It set the bar for me

on some level.
Is that so bad?

It's bad if it keeps you
from hooking up with

a woman who's attractive,

smart and of
legal consenting age.

What if she's still out there?
Don't I at least owe it

to myself to try and find her?

You're hunting Sasquatch.
See? There she is.

Shadow lady?
She's a Sasquatch?

She's the myth,
the perfect woman.

[SCOFFS] A figment of our
dumb-ass male imagination.

Slap a face on the shadow bitch,
and she ceases to be perfect,

because she becomes real.

So what exactly
is all this crap?

It's market research,

insurance for the creatives
who came up with

this shitty campaign.

If I can coerce a focus group
to say that a picture

of an anorexic model

two large men in diapers

makes them want
to buy a pair of jeans,

then I've done my job.

That is a twisted way
to make a living.

I know, but at least
it's the fashion biz, right?

-So why don't you
just move here?

-I don't know.

-Maybe I will.
-Who is that?

It's Mr. Hahn, my boss.

And you get paid?

D, look at it

If just one person
hooks up with somebody

who isn't their soul mate,

you got a chain reaction
that screws it up for

everybody on the planet.

Your soul mate ends up
with someone else's who

settles for someone else's--

Which makes it
all the more important

to find the right person.

It's a glass-half-empty,
glass-half-full scenario.

If you ask me, your glass
is half full of crap.

-You sure you don't want
any late night eats?

-No. I'm out of here.
Take care.


-You got a problem?
-How's the chili?

I'd give my right arm
for a bowl.


I'll hand that--
I'll have that.

Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
That was the glow.

That was the feeling
you got in the airport.

It's happening again.

I'm gonna do this.
Can you do this?

Can you answer the call?

You've done it before.
You're gonna do it again. Go.

I'm gonna do this.
I'm gonna do this.

Can you? Can you? [EXHALES]
Don't let her get away.

Where did she go?

Where did that girl go?
Where did she--

She left, crap-sack.


Wait up! Stop, stop!

Stop! Wait up!
Don't go! Don't--


Quick Match Personals.

May I help you?

Hi. I'd like to

place a personal ad.

-I'm sorry.
Can you please speak up?

-A personal ad.

I want to place a personal--

Hello? Is anyone there?


Sorry. I dropped the phone.
I'm here. This is my first time.

Okay, here goes.

Wanted: soul mate.

Potential soul mate...

looking for his... soul mate.

You: Soul mate material.
Me: Open, intelligent and--

-Soul mate-y?


-Who's dead?

Somebody better be dead.

Hey, hey, Tyler.
Man, it's Mikey. I wake ya?

-What time is it?
-It's 1:00 in the morning,

4:00 to you.
Sorry, man.

What's wrong?
What happened?

I just wanted to talk.

-At 4:00 in the morning?

It's cheaper.

Listen, Ty, uh,
how'd you do it?

-How did I do what?
-How did you, you know, uh--

How did you find somebody
who made the cut?

I don't know. It was
just this feeling that hit me,

like a blinding realization,

like pure truth.

What is this all about?

Nothin'. Nothin'.

Forget it.
Hey, congratulations.


Pull this shit again,
you don't get to be my best man.

-Yeah, yeah, yeah.

Always a best man,
never a man.

Head up, head up.
Good, good.

Oh, my God.
This is so exciting.

I think I just met
Naomi Campbell's hair person.

So, um, is there anything
we should be doing?

This is the glamorous world
of market research.

We just sit around
until somebody wonders--

Why are those men
wearing diapers?

Uh, I guess I can answer
that question for you, sir.

You can answer that?

Yes, we did research in
the Midwest which indicated

that our target market was
getting younger, as you can see.

Our focus groups taught us
that it would be wise to do

a preemptive strike,

and showcase young imagery
in our new campaigns.

And this explains why
I'm spending $2 million

putting grown men in Huggies?

You realize if I did this in
my basement and posted them on

the Internet, I'd be arrested.

Also save a lot of money.

What are you doing for lunch?

I'm sorry, Julie couldn't
make it tonight.

She really
does want to meet ya.

-Me too.

But at least now you can tell me
how all of this happened.


-You used to refer
to marriage as--

-I know, I know!

Cruel and unusual punishment.
It's her.

She's just
hit me like a truck.

But you were ready for it,

You were wandering
around in traffic?

Yeah, I guess
it was in traffic.

If it can happen to me,
though, it can happen

to anybody, right?

Anybody who isn't Mike,
of course.

You know what?
I got a strange call

from Mike the other day.

He seemed genuinely
concerned not to have

somebody in his life.

Mike in a relationship?

Isn't that one of the signs
of the Apocalypse?

Nostradamus predicted it.

He said in the latter part
of the 20th century

the lone cock
would crow no more.

That's scary.

Why do you think David's
so reluctant to take

the next step with me?

Oh. David?

I was playing
the field, all right?

I got burned out on it.

Uh, you know,
David hasn't exactly

been out playing the field.

He's been playing house with me.

It's a fun game.

So let me get this straight.

By working at a relationship
with this guy

for the past five years,

I have actually
undermined any possibility

of a future with him?

-TYLER: -Yeah, maybe.
No, I don't know.

-SARAH [sighs]

TYLER: David's a really
sharp guy.

He'll probably
come to his senses.

-I mean, you're all he wants.
-I'm all he knows.

Well, that can work.

-SARAH: David, it's me.

It's late,
and you're not home.

That's good.
I hope you're out having fun.

Look, I know this sounds weird,

but if you need to see other
women to figure this stuff out,

I can handle it.

Maybe it's being
here on my own

or from asking you
for a decision,

I guess I've gained
a new perspective on things.

I think it's important
for us to explore whatever

options we need to,

so if that's part of it
for you,

just know that I understand.



She second-guessed our move.
She's more cunning than

I thought.
She's good.

-You're lucky I'm on board.
-It's not like her.

Why would she say it's okay
to go out with other women?

Why indeed?

Shouldn't you be out there
playing wing man for Jonesy?


I never realized
you were so picky.

You think I'm one of
these assy scam-hounds?

I have very particular tastes,
a strict list of qualities

I look for in a woman.

I'm not just fuckin'
around out here.

What? Seriously.
All this play I get?

I'm not wastin'...
my time.

It's practice.
It's practice

for the big game.

-Maybe it's not a game.

You've been off the circuit
way too long, brother.

Of course it's a game.

It's better than a game.
It's a sport.

It's better than a sport even.
It's sport fishing.

Case in point.

Look at him.
See those chicks

he's wastin' it on?

Hi, ladies!
Those are bass.

We all go bass fishing
from time to time.

You can get really good
at it with practice. Yay!

But while he's spending
all of his time hooking up

with bottom-feeders,

the crucial skills he'll need
to hook his wife are atrophying.

You see, scamming's
like fishing.

If your dream girl were
a fish, what would she be?

I don't know. Tuna?

Yeah. No.
A marlin.

A big trophy fish.

To catch a marlin,
you've got to use entirely

different skills.

You don't go marlin fishing
with a sorry-ass fold-out pole

six-pound test.

That'll do for bass,
but it sure as shit

ain't gonna land a marlin.

You gotta up your game.

You gotta know where
the elusive beauties lie.

You gotta know where to fish.

They're rare.
Most days

you don't catch shit,
but when you do--


The two of you are back
at the dock taking pictures.

DAVID: Okay, another
huge flaw I have with:

"Why buy the cow when you can
get the milk for free" is this:

milk is not free.

The point is, if you're
hankering for some milk,

one way or another, you're
gonna have to pay for it.

-MAN: Hey!




You diggin' this?
I told ya I'd make it up to ya.

Please point out which of these
lovely young ladies is a marlin.

MIKE: We're done fishin'
for the day, buddy.

-We're at the aquarium now.
-Hi, guys.

Checkin' out
the exotic fishies.

And look. They even got
one of those petting tanks.

DAVID: Oh, my God.

WOMAN: I've already
told him about you,

and his friend is totally hot.

Sarah, you have got to
get my back.

I have been
after this guy for a week.

They're going
to be here in an hour,

so just get my back.

I gotta go.
I'll do what I can. Bye.



Have you given any thought to
our conversation the other day?

It's all I've been
thinking about.

But the problem is, I'm involved
with someone back in L.A.

But I'm not sure
what's happening with us.

-I need more time to
figure it out.

Is that okay?
-Of course.

Just don't take too long.


Oh, yeah!

Gosh, a dollar.
Now I can quit stripping

and go back to vet school
and save my sick pony.

-Thanks, Mike.

-You're a prince.

-David, you know her?

Holy shit!
It is Amy!

Give me a sec. I have
to make one last go-around.

-You guys know her?
-From school.

I can't
believe this is happening.

I can't believe
this is happening.

She looks great.

She definitely
lost that freshman 15.

Oh, she looks hot!

-Hey, you guys.

How are you two?

-You work here?

This is awesome.

-No, Mike, I'm just hangin'.
-This is such a surprise.

-Yeah, you look good--

Amy, this is Jonesy.
Jonesy, this is Amy.

-How you doin'?
-Pleasure to meet you.

[DEEP VOICE] Uh-huh.
Pleasure's all mine.

Turn it down a notch.
You're channeling

Barry White again.

Hey, was she this hot
when you two were dating?

Hold it, he went out
with a stripper?

Actually, I was just
a freshman back then,

studying to be a stripper.

David helped me bone up
on my pole-dancing exam.

Can I buy you a drink
for old times' sake?

-Come on.

They're gonna do it.

I often wonder how long
we would have lasted if

I hadn't broken up with you.

Two-and-a-half days.
I was gonna dump you

right after my last final.

I didn't have the time to get
into a big emotional thing

with you.
I had to study.

What a... relief.

This whole time I thought
I broke your heart.

Give me a break.
We weren't in love or anything.

We were just having fun.

-See, there were no
expectations back then.

-Give me a hand with this.

I mean,
when did that change?

Um, it didn't.
You did.

It only seems different now
because you outgrew it.

-I don't know.
-I do.

Just look at your
dick-with-ears friend out there.

Do you think that Amy chick
would take the bait?

-I thought that was
Dave's old flame.

-Keyword: "was."

Damn it!
I bet I could have had her.

Back when she was goin' out
with your best friend?

That would have been real cool.

You bet. Although I'm sure
she wasn't as hot back then.

-You look unbelievable.


When did it get so difficult
to figure out what I want?

Oh, if you're like
most people, darlin',

right around the time
you found something

worth wanting.

Hand me that dildo,
will you?

She circled my ad.



DAVID: She circled my ad!



Quick Match mailbox number 247.

You have 32 messages.

To play unheard messages,
press three.

To delete messages, press two.

Hola, Soul Mate.

I search
for you for a long time.

I think we should get together.

I have dark hair, dark eyes
and a nipple key ring.

I'm a maid, see,
so I have lots of keys.

-Lots and lots--

MAN: Your ad intrigued me,
Soul Mate.

A little about myself--
I love dressing up

and getting down.

I'm somewhat of
a walking contradiction--

yet lactose-intolerant.

I yearn for someone who
enjoys big surprises. Call me.




WOMAN: If you'd like
to make a call,

please hang up and try again.

If you--



WOMAN: Hello, David. I've
been waiting for your call,

ever since I saw you
in that Mexican restaurant.

I've fantasized about us,
our bodies entwined

and covered in salsa.


We're destined
to be together, David.

It's just like--

Chips and salsa?

That's right. And now--

-Oh, that's my other line.

Hold on.

-WOMAN: Hello?
-MIKE: David! It's Mike.

You there? Pick up.

Come on! Pick up, David.
This is important.

-David, it's happened to me.

Look, I'm really

not feeling very--

No, listen, David.

I am lying naked
in a strange bed,

staring at
the most beautiful woman

I have ever seen
in my entire life.

Tell her I said hi.
I've really got to go now.

No, no, no.
She's not here.

I'm looking
at her picture, okay?

Damn marlin jumped right into
my boat, caught me unawares.

What are you talking about?

Okay, that whole
after hours rave?

Complete blank.
The last solid memory I have

was drinking some
green glowy shit

out of a test tube

and dancing like a bastard.

-But, David--

Something magical happened
in this room last night.

bigger than sex--

although sex was
definitely a factor.

-But you don't remember.
-No, last night's a total blur.

But listen. I woke up
this morning, and I've got...

the feeling.

-Is it a burning sensation?
-No, no, David!

The feeling.
When you just know,

the pure blinding truth stuff.

I've met her, David.

For the first time in my life,
I think I'm in love. Me.

-Oh, shit, here she comes.

Gotta go, moment of truth. Bye.


Good morning, sunshine.

Oh, is that for me?

Oops. You've been deflowered.

I can't believe you're even up
after that performance

you gave last night.

In my book, you deserve
to sleep for a week.

Oh, my.
hung over and clumsy.

It's okay.
I'll take

care of that.
You just

save your strength.

-The bathroom?

The bathroom.
I don't feel too well.

Oh, it's right around
the corner, lover.

You pretty boys
are all the same.

Strong stamina
and weak stomachs.

It's right there.


You okay in there?

This isn't happening.
It's cool.

-Just a sec!


Laura was pretty impressed
with you last night,

even before you two
started wakin' the neighborhood.

-I'm into chicks. I love chicks.

Breasts, legs, long hair.

-And breasts.

I've never seen her make
breakfast for herself, and we've

been roommates for three years.

Oh, Laura ran to the store
to get you some B-12.

She should be back any minute.

Dad... sit down.


I'm gay.

No! No, or I was
fucked up or experimenting,

you know,
like mom's college years.

Oh, God! It is genetic.

-MAN: I'll be out

on the deck, okay?

When you're... done,
let's talk.

After what happened--
[LAUGHS] last night,

it'd mean a lot to me if we got
to know each other better.

Oh, yeah! You betcha!
I'll be right out!

Jumpy little breeder.







Oh! Oh, God!


No! Watch it!





-Oh, God.
-BOY: Wow!

That was just like Spider-Man.

Actually, kid, I, uh--

I am Spider-Man,
and I lost my costume.

-I'm gonna need
your shirt, okay?

-Sure, Spidey.

-This is so cool.

Give you a little hand here.

Get away from that man!

Oh, no, no, no.
Sir, I can explain. I, uh--

No, it's not this.

Sir! Sir? Sir?


-You sick son of a--
-No. No.

Daddy, no.
Don't shoot Spidey.

He's my special friend.


-No, boy, get--
-Stop, drop and roll.

Don't do it!


Run, Spidey, run!



Okay, dog, it's Snausage time.







This country's
just gone to shit.

Damn! Look at
that little sodomite go.


Nice work, Laura.
Another asshole.



Hello, is Susan there?

Hi, Susan. My name is David.
You answered my personal ad--

Yeah, yeah.

That's the one.
That's me.

Hi. How are you?
It's nice to talk to you.

Listen, um--

I think we should probably
get together sometime soon.

Hi, Cynthia. How are you?
David. That's right.

"Soul Mate" guy.
What do you say Papa San,

5:00, Tuesday?

All righty. We'll see you then.

Goin' to hell. Going to hell.

Hi, Kathleen. I got it.

Tuesday, Papa San.

Tuesday? Papa San, five-ish?

Oh, I don't know.
Papa San? 5:00, Tuesday?

Hi. Excuse me.

Um, you aren't David,
by any chance, are you?

No, no, sorry.


I'm going straight
to hell for this.

-WOMAN: David?
-It's Ralph.

Close enough though.


I'm meeting someone.

I've got to
get out of here.

Hi, David.

Nicole? What are you
doing in L.A.?

I'm in town for
my cousin's bar mitzvah.

What are you doing?

I'm, uh-- I'm leaving.

This place is
such a meat market,

a total singles' scene.

-Excuse me.
Did you just call him David?

-Yeah, that is his name--

It's my nickname.

Only my close friends
call me that.

-What are you talking about?
-Who has David for a nickname?

I do. It's short for...

Davidian, Branch Davidian.

Are you here

to meet a David too?
-WOMAN 1: Yeah.

-Who are you?
-Did you answer an ad

in Quick Match personals?

David, do you
know these women?

-You son of a--
-Soul Mate, my ass!

My name isn't David!


Stop it, please!

Excuse me.
I'm late.

I'm supposed to meet
someone here--

Some shit monkey invited
four women from the same dating

service at the same time!

Why? Why?
Just get down here, all right?

-Send ambulances.
Send lots of ambulances!


DAVID: Look, I'm sorry!

I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I've been a bad boy.

How does it look?
Is it bad?

Uh, no, you're good.

So, we're about
the same age.

Tell me, how does one develop
such intense hatred for women

in such a short
amount of time?

Publicly humiliating
four women you've never

even met before?

I thought maybe I had
met one of them before.

I was wrong.

Go ahead. Call Sarah.
Rat my miserable ass out.

Forget it.

I might lash out at an entire
gender, too, if I had to face

what you're dealing with.

Must be tough.

Wow. You're the last person
I would have expected

sympathy from on all this.

Well, it can't be easy,
especially now.

What do you mean, now?

Maybe you'd better call her.


-Come on, Sarah.
Just pick up the damn--

-WOMAN: Hello?

-Hello, Sarah?
-This is Amber.

I work with Sarah.

-Can I take a message?
-I need to know where she is.

She left a little early today.
Had a dinner engagement--

Um, an appointment.

-With who?
-Who is this?

This is her boyfriend, David.

Oh, I didn't know
she had a boyfriend.

Well, she does.
Listen, I'm sorry.

I really don't know who you are.

But I'd really
appreciate it if you could

just tell me who she--

She is out with Andrew--
Mr. Hahn.

-Mr. Hung?

Yeah, the big guy.

Are you sure
you're her boyfriend?

I mean, she knows
that you're her boyfriend,

and everything, right?

So how long have you
been married?

Seven years.

Must be nice to have
that kind of security.

I'm the poster boy
for happily married.

But security, that's
a rare thing these days,

especially in marriage.

That's a somber outlook
for the happily married

poster boy.

Fifty percent divorce rate
in this country.

The only security you have
in this world is yourself.

The point I'm making
is your talent

is yours alone.

And you do have talent.
Your designs are amazing.

Only you can decide
what you want to do

with that talent.

-I just wish it were simpler.

I'm offering you
a job in New York,

doing what you love doing.

I know, and it's
a dream come true.

Dreams don't come true
very often.

Maybe it's not supposed
to be simple.





DAVID: Hey, Mike, it's me.
Where you been, man?

I haven't heard from you
since you met your true love.

I really gotta talk to you,
so just pick up the phone and

give me a call between orgasms.



MALE ANNOUNCER: From the makers
of the hit videos Are You Gay?

and So You Think You're Gay,

United Homosexual Headquarters
presents Just How Gay Are You?

Oh, hello!
I'm Tim Chadway,

president of United
Homosexual Headquarters.

My buddies call me Timbo.

Like millions of Americans,
you're probably wondering,

just how gay are you?

Well, that's
an important question.

But come on. The answer's
pretty obvious, isn't it?

Face it, chief.

If you're watching me now,
you are pretty damn gay.

But that's okay,

because, you see,
here at the headquarters,

we specialize in making
your journey out of the closet

as smooth as possible.

From our handy
gay pride starter kit

to those convenient
"I'm here, I'm queer.

Stop by sometime for a beer"
change of sexual orientation


you'll be out and about
in no time.

Your family and friends will
admire you for your ability

to make that transition
with style and flair.

I still
can't believe it.

Why don't you just call her?
You don't even know for sure

what's going on.

No, she wants to talk,
she can give me a call.

I'm done sitting around
like a sucker.

-You gotta stop being
so hard on yourself.

-MAN: Hey, brown sugar.

No, Mike was right.
If I'm gonna make

an informed decision,

it's time I started
getting busy.

Hey, wait a minute.
What's this bar that Mike

wants us to meet him at?

"The Cock Pit."

Whoa, you might wanna
wait till tomorrow night

to start gettin' busy.

Why's that?

'Cause tonight we're drinkin'
in Boys' Town.

A lot of guys claim they
practically knew it in the womb.

Something was wrong,
they felt different than

all the other fetuses.

-Blah, blah, blah.
-So how did you figure it out?

Well, after a string
of girlfriends,

a couple of ex-wives
and a Great Dane or two,

I started thinking,
"Hey, maybe it's me."

Was that difficult for you?

Oh, sure. Most terrifying thing
that you can do

is look inside yourself
carefully, honestly.

But you have to do it,

And when I did,
it was a feeling

that just hit me.

Blinding realization,
like a pure truth.

JONESY: Hey, Mike, what's up?

Guys, hey!
Uh, sit down.

-Are you aware that this is a--
-MIKE: A gay bar?

Jones, it's okay to say it,
and, yes, I know.

But I like it...

I think.

I'm trying to anyway.

Stanley, a beer for my friends.

-DAVID: I get it. I get it.
-You do?

He's trying to go
the distance with that chick

he met at after hours.

Avoiding places

that tempt you to stray off
the gilded path of monogamy.

I can't wait to meet this girl.
She must really be something.

She didn't, uh...

turn out to be the person
I thought she was.

-I'm sorry, man.
-DAVID: I'm sorry.

She sounded... different.

Let's just drop it, okay?

So, what's up
with this bar?

I mean, this isn't really
our kind of place.

What do you mean?

It's got beer.
It's got bar stools.

-What more do you need, Jonesy?
-How 'bout women?

I'm shocked.
I never would have pegged

you two as homophobes.

What the hell do you guys have
against gay people anyway?

-DAVID: Hey, hey, hey.

DAVID: We've got nothing
against gay people.

-Some of my best friends'
friends are gay.

-That's right.


Holy shit!

-What's that?
-The Mikey Chronicles, man.

The sacred scam scrolls.

-This is a black book?
-I want you to have it, David.

I don't need it anymore.

Look at all these numbers.
What are these little

black diamonds?

Stick to the blue squares.
I'd hate to see you get hurt.

JONESY: This is bigger
than I thought.

That chick must have
really snuck up from behind

and nailed you.

-You must be Nikki.

I hope I'm not too early.

-So you're a friend of Mike's?


-Mike owes me $200.
-Is cash okay?


Come on in.



David, what are you
doing here?

If you're this upset,
then why has it taken you

two weeks to call me back?

I've been... busy.
Never mind that.

Who is this guy?

He's my boss,
and all he did was offer me

a new position.

What's the matter?
Our old positions aren't

good enough for you anymore?

As a designer.

Look, he wants an answer,
but I told him that I

had to talk to you first.

This is about more
than a job offer.

You keep encouraging me
to meet other women.

got nothing to do with this?

I can't make a decision
until I know all the variables,

one of which is still
in your hands.

Great. So now
I'm just a variable?


This has just...
gotten more complicated.

Why don't you
just admit it?

You love it there.

You don't want to say no
to this offer, and I'm not

gonna be a reason you do.

Look, if you have already
made up your mind,

then say so.

But don't try to hide
behind some noble gesture

of not holding me back.

Okay, why don't we
be fair here?

Things have changed, Sarah.
This is no longer

just my decision.

You're right.
It isn't.

And that's why I'm
coming home early.

-They're paying for me

to come home and talk to you.

They really want me, David,

possibly more than you do.

Oh, shit!


What's up, man?

for the little lady?

She gets back today.
What's up?

You didn't
get me a coffee?

I didn't know how you
took it, but I grabbed

your mail on the way in.

-So what's the verdict?

Do I get to comb
the thrift stores for

a new used suit or what?

Not yet. I'm just
as confused as ever.


You all right?

-Just lock up when you leave.

Hey! I wasn't sure
if you'd be here.

Well, I'm here.
Where else would I be?

-Whoa. What's this?
-I'm going to New York.


-There's somebody I gotta see.

-What are you talking about?
-Options, remember?

Just in case.

You're out of options.

Me staying here
or going back--

these are your options.

-What? No, listen.

Listen to me carefully.
I flew back here

for one reason,

and that was to give you
a chance to talk me out

of taking this job.

I can't do that
until I do this.

Well, I won't be here
when you get back.

I swear to God, I won't.
This is it, David.

I know.

Excuse me.

DAVID: There are times in life
when you have to make

difficult choices.

And there are times
when it seems like you

don't have a choice at all,

like those rare moments
when your only option

practically shows up
in your mailbox.

-Hey, David!
-Keep the change. Tyler!

[LAUGHING] Oh, man,
I'm psyched you're here!

-You look great.
-It really means a lot to me.

-What the hell
are you doing here?

-I know.
It's sudden.

I, uh, I just wanted
to see you, you know?

Things are gonna start
getting crazy for you

and--and Julie.

And, uh,
I wanted to see you,

both of you.

-I--I talked to Sarah.
-Yeah, yeah.

She said that you guys met up
when she was in town.

She had fun.

No, no. I talked to her
about three hours ago.

She called while you were
in the air, from L.A.

Uh, she's freakin' out.

Everything's fine.

Listen, I-I know what
you're going through.

It's a scary leap.

The trick is you gotta
let go of your fears

and kind of go for it.

Believe me.

The worst thing you can do
is lose the right girl because

of a fear of commitment.

Actually, the worst thing you
can do is marry the wrong girl

because of a fear of loneliness.

TYLER: I can't wait
for you to meet her.

I told her all about you.

-You have?
-Yeah, I told her

about all you guys.

-I had to warn her.
-Even my name?

You didn't mention my name.

No, of course
not your name.

We refer to you all
by your general nature,

like the Indians.

Mike's: "Fucks Whatever Moves".
You're: "Dances Around

Major Life Decisions".

-What did she say when you
mentioned my name?

-What is wrong with you?

I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

What would she say--
Oh, there she is.

-TYLER: Hey!

-This is David.
David, this is Julie.


So nice to finally meet you.
Feel like I already know you.

-I feel the same way.
-Isn't she beautiful?

You look like I did first
time I laid eyes on her.

I just knew right away.

-It hit me like a blinding
realization, like--

-JULIE: Pure truth.

Yeah, yeah.
Was he always this sappy?

-Just since I met you, baby.

-Will you order me a drink?
-TYLER: Yeah.

I'm gonna go
to the ladies' room.

Excuse me.

Now you know, buddy.

Now you understand.

That's it.
This guy Jeff,

works at Tyler's firm,

knew my roommate,
and they hooked us up.

End of story.

That's, uh--
Wow, what a story.

-The important thing

is you ended up together, right?


I mean, think of all
the different people

you've met in your lives,

all the paths taken,
not taken.

You could probably
trace back to your

very first romantic memory,

if you tried.

Oh, yeah.
Fifth grade drama class.

Miss Liska had us lie
on the ground and pretend

we were driftwood.

And then as she
walked around the "beach,"

-she would step over us--
-JULIE: We get it.

-That's nice, sweetie.

What about you, Julie?

What? Oh, no.

-The airport guy?
-The airport guy?

What about the--

Airport guy?
Um, tell me about

this airport guy.

It's okay, honey.
He's a friend.


I was traveling
with my family once.

We were in an airport.

This guy came up to me
from out of nowhere

and started saying all
these strange things to me

about how he felt something
when he saw me,

and he wondered
if I felt it too.

I didn't know what to say, so I
just kind of smiled at him.

He gave me his address and
asked, if I felt the same way,

that I should write him.

As he walked away,
I had this frozen grin

on my face.

I didn't want to
agitate him or anything.

I was terrified
that he was gonna hurt me.

TYLER: Can you believe that?
How old were you, honey?

-JULIE: Eleven.
-TYLER: Eleven years old.

-If that son of a bitch
were here right now--

-But you wrote him!

I-I mean, um...

Did you ever write him?

No. I mean,
of course not.

Honey, do you want me
to finish the story

for you?

-There's more?
-TYLER: Yeah.

No, it's okay.
I can do this.

So as soon
as the guy was gone,

I threw the address away.

But what I didn't know
at the time

was that my little sister
Katie, who was two years

younger than me,

she saw everything.

I mean, she wanted
to be like me.

She worshipped me.

And she started writing
this creep as me.

I mean, she even
sent him my picture.

Then, of course,
when he wrote back,

you know,

weird stuff
about how he wanted

to run away with her

-and make babies--
-TYLER: Can you imagine that?

Make babies?
And this is before

the Internet.

What a sicko.
I'm sorry, honey.

Are you all right?

But, uh, uh--

Did you ever find out
who this guy was?

-My parents did.

Sort of.

They overheard Katie
bragging to me

about her boyfriend,

and she had mentioned it

so we just assumed it was
this imaginary play friend

or something.

But when she started telling me
about how he had promised

to run away with her

and make love to her,

-I mean, they stepped in.
-Under the stars.

I mean,
she was only nine.

-So my dad called

the authorities.

You know, gave them
the guy's address.

As was his style,
told us to forget

the whole thing.

It wasn't
until years later

that I realized the guy
thought he was writing me.

And I pieced it together
and remembered

the airport incident,

but I never told anyone.

I have to go.

-Are you all right?
-TYLER: Hey.

-Where are you going?
-I have to, uh--

Thank you for the, uh, uh--

Congratulations with--


DAVID: I'd seen the light.

It was this glaringly obvious,
blind realization,

like pure truth.

It wasn't about
anyone in particular,

but about people in general.

I realized at that moment,

there is no such thing
as "the one."

It's more of a mind-boggling,

of-potential ones.

While that should
be comforting,

it was actually
pretty terrifying.

We'd all like to kick back and
wait for some magical force

to show us who we should spend
the rest of our lives with.

But the truth is,
there isn't a lightning bolt

that slaps you on the ass

and tells you
to pick this person

over all others.

If anything,
it's like the rain.

Rain falls all the time.

Sometimes you're
prepared for it,

sometimes you're not.

Depending where you are
when it hits, you either

get caught in it or you don't.

In fact, most of us usually
try like hell to avoid it.

You might miss the bus,

you might catch the bus.

Maybe you remembered
your umbrella,

maybe you didn't.

No big signs.
Just random torrential bursts

of opportunity.

And that's the most
fate can do.

The rest is up to us.

And now, by the power
vested in me,

I now pronounce you
husband and wife.

You may kiss the bride.


DAVID: So the eternal bachelor
was the first one to go.

Yeah, I don't think
I'll ever understand men.

-You look amazing.

I'm very happy for you.
I mean it.


I had a tough time
for those first few months.

It was really hard,

Then I had to take Nicole
to the emergency room to get

her stomach pumped again.

And there he was.

Our eyes just met,
and it was like

-this indescribable feeling,

-I get it.

Not that happy yet.

It's terrific
you found someone

who deserves you,

but I'd be lying
if I said I didn't

miss our friendship.


I think it's time
to stir things up

on the dance floor.

-Join me?
-I think I'll pass.

I didn't bring
any singles with me.

Joke. Joke.

Please remember there
are impressionable children

out there.

-Let's keep it PG-13.
-No problem.

Hand me that dildo,
will you?

-Hey, Amy.

-I haven't seen her
since college.

-Yeah, she's great.

Uh-huh. Yeah?
You two, uh--

Uh, no, no.
We're just friends.


Yeah, I saw that, uh,
goofy-looking bastard

Sarah's with.

Nah, that guy--

He's, like,
missing a chromosome

or something.

-What a freak.
-We both know

he's an attractive guy.

But thank you
for trying.

Well, I bet
he's no brain surgeon.

Ah, shit. Really?

JULIE: There you are, hon.

Oh, hey, baby.
You remember David.

-You met in a restaurant
a couple of months ago.

-Ah, David, hi.

Glad you didn't have to
rush out early today.

It was a beautiful

Thank you.
I'm just

so glad my little sister
got to catch the tail end.

TYLER: Katie showed?
Ah, honey, that's great.

I didn't think
she was gonna make it.

What happened?

-Your sister's here?

But she doesn't like weddings.
She never got over

that airport guy.

The pedophile,
the sicko.

-TYLER: Asshole.
-JULIE: Honey, settle down.

You know,
I should really

introduce you two.

-You would totally
hit it off.

-TYLER: What a great idea.

why don't you go get her?

-No, that's not necessary.

-No, dude.

-She's gotta be
around here somewhere.

-I think I see her. Stay here.

-I'll be right back.
-Hey, hey, hey.

What's the matter with you?

-You look like you did
at the restaurant when you...

-I have to go.


Lightning Taxi.

-Hi, I need a cab fast.

Ladies and gentlemen,
at this time,

Mike Hanson,
the best man,

would like to make a toast
to Julie and Tyler.

-MAN: All right, Mike!

MIKE: All right, thank you.
Thank you.

Thank you, uh--

Uh, I, uh--

Many of you don't know me,
but, uh,

I had the pleasure
of being, uh,

Tyler's roommate in our
fraternity house at school.

Yeah, you were!
Phi Lamb!

Who's my boy, Mikey?
You're my boy!

And today,

I have the privilege
of being the best man

in his wedding.

Uh, suffice it to say,

I was shocked to hear
that he was getting married,

but, uh,

but over time, as I
talked to him on the phone,

I began to understand.

We used to do everything
together, man. Everything.

We were joined at the hip.
You know what I'm saying?

What these two people
were doing was

giving themselves in

to a... blinding

pure truth.

They stood before
everyone they knew

and confessed
their newfound selves.

I don't know,
but witnessing

such strength

and courage
in my friends

inspires me in a way
which I can barely

put into words.

You see,
while many of you

don't know me, uh,

the rest of you
only think you do.

The truth is,
you're about to meet Mike Hanson

for the first time.


My name is Mike Hanson,

and I'm a raging homosexual.


Thank you.

I--I didn't really
know him that well.

And let's give it up
to the newlyweds.

Congrats, guys.

MAN: Hit it.


WOMAN: Why does everybody
keep trying to set me up?

They're never... him.

Katie, please come out
and meet him.

You look amazing.

All right.
Let's go meet this guy.

there you are.

-Katie, I'm so glad
that you could make it.

-Thank you.

-We gotta go.
The limo's here.

-Have you seen David?

Uh, no.

I-I think he left
with Mike and Amy, because I

haven't seen them either.

But you know what?
We should forget about them.

I'm gonna meet you up front.
We really have to go.

-That's okay. You just go.
-No, you're coming with us.

No, it's your day.
Don't worry about me.

I'll be fine.

-Are you sure?
-Positive. Just go, all right?

-Love you.
-Love you, too.

So I don't mean to belittle
your big announcement,

but come on, Mike,
you've never even

worked retail.

Nah, it makes sense.

All my life I've treated women
like dirt, never lettin' them

get too close,

just usin' and cruisin'.

That doesn't make you
a homosexual, Mike.

It makes you an asshole.

KATIE: Excuse me.
Are you waiting for someone?

No, I'm not waiting.

Wait a minute.
That's my cab! That's my--!


These insolent swine!

You know, they call you,
tell you to come right away.

Big hurry!

You come,
they're not there.

And I feel like--
how do you say?


Yeah, I know the feeling.

You know the feeling?
You know the feeling?

So it was nice wedding, yes?

Oh, no! Not again!


-Oh, my God!

No, no, please.

Are you all right?

It's... you.

I've been looking
everywhere for you.

What took you so long?

I feel all tingly

I know. So do I.

No, in a scary way.

Oh. Uh, right.

We should get you
to a hospital.



[GASPS] What are you doing?

-You said you were gay.
-Yeah, and your point is?