Busty Housewives of Beverly Hills (2012) - full transcript

[saxophone music]

[gentle mysterious music]

- Kate, Kate, get in here quick.

- Doug, I was in the
middle of a palm reading.

I think she was gonna upgrade

to the Premium Spirit
Summoning package.

- I think I just saw
something in the crystal ball.

- Oh, Doug.

- No really, I can feel
my powers returning.

- Doug, did you ever
really have any?

- You doubt me?



I mean, I was the
amazing Rinaldi.

I astounded people
across this country

with my mental skills, okay.

Fortune telling, mind
reading, hypnotism.

- I know. I wrote the copy
for the advertisement.

But honestly, have you
really had any insight?

- You doubt me.

- No. Just tell me what you saw.

- I'm not really
sure what I saw.

I'm getting that
feeling again, okay.

Look, why don't
we try this, okay?

All right.

The four of clubs?

- Yes.



- Really?

[mysterious music]

The eight of diamonds.

- Right again.

- Okay, one more.

- The ace of spades.

- You're amazing.

- Okay, you know this means
that I have to try hypnotizing.

- No, hypnotizing never
works out right for you.

- Yeah, but that's before.

Now I'm feeling it
again. I'm feeling it.

- No, it got us kicked out
of the show in Cleveland.

- Look, this isn't a show.

You gotta let me at least try.

[sighing]

Okay.

[mysterious music]

Keep your eye on the watch.

You're getting
very, very sleepy.

- Very, very sleepy.

- When I snap my
fingers, you will be

completely under my command.

- Under your command.

[fingers snapping]

- You find me
irresistibly attractive.

- Irresistibly attractive.

- You have an uncontrollable
urge to have sex with me.

- Oh yes.

[gentle music]

[upbeat music]

[saxophone music]

- Oh, Doug, that was fantastic.

- Thanks.

Wait a second, you're still
supposed to be under hypnosis.

- Oh, well, I felt
bad, so I faked it.

- You were faking?

- Only the hypnosis part.

- Hey, look, the
new stock came in.

- [Doug] Throw all
this junk away.

- Junk? We paid good
money for this stuff.

Money we don't
have, I might add.

- We don't need it
anymore. It's all trash.

- Have you lost your mind?

- Just read this. You
remember my Aunt Bessie?

- Yeah, the mystic
healer who got you

into all of this mumbo-jumbo.

- Exactly, well, she
passed away last week.

- Oh, so much for
the mystic healing.

- Look, Aunt Bessie
mighta been an eccentric,

but she was also loaded.

- Oh, too much liquor, huh?

- No, the other kinda loaded.

Filthy rich.

- Really?

- Uh-huh, she left
us her mansion.

- What?

- That's right, baby,
pack up your things.

We're moving to Beverly Hills.

[shrieking]

[upbeat music]

- This is just amazing.

It's everything you
said it would be.

- Yep, it's completely
furnished, and it's paid for.

This is the life I always
promised you, honey.

- I could not be happier.

[doorbell ringing]

Hey, our first visitors.

Hi.

- We're your new neighbors.

- We brought pie.

- How lovely. Come in.

Honey, these are
our new neighbors.

- Hi, I'm Peter Wells.
This is my wife, Patricia.

- It's nice to meet you.

- Hi, I'm Doug Nelson,
and you've already
met my wife, Kate.

- I'm George Hamwell.

- And I'm Amy Hamwell,
hello [chuckles].

- Why don't I get
us some drinks?

- Sounds great.

- Yeah, sure.

- And why don't you join me?

- Oh, okay.
- Okay.

- George Hamwell, why does
that name sound so familiar?

- Well, I don't
wanna be immodest,

but perhaps you've seen
one of my pictures.

I'm a movie producer.

- Hm, what movies
have you produced?

- Well, most know me
from the Giant Slime

Creature From Venus.

- Nope, didn't see that one.

- The Three-Eyed
Monster From Planet X?

- Don't think so.

- Perhaps Scorpion Killer
Versus the Giant Sasquatch.

- Oh, I did see that one once.

- Well there you go.

- On the Late Late Late Show.

- Yes.

Well, Peter here is
in the oil business.

- Oh really?

- That's right. West Star Oil.

We operate some of
the biggest offshore

oil rigs in California.

- [Doug] Really?
That sounds exciting.

- So what do you do
for a living, Doug?

- I used to have a
little magic act.

You know, card
tricks, mind reading.

Hypnotism.

- Really?

- Here we are.

- Thank you.

- Doug, Amy was telling
me that George here

is a movie producer.

I used to be an actress myself.

- Is that right?

- Well, mainly background work,

but I was on my way
up when I met Doug.

- Yes, and it's been
all downhill ever since.

Just a little joke, dear.

[scoffing]

- I was just telling
Amy how great

it is to live in Los Angeles.

[gasping]

- My dear, this is
not Los Angeles.

This is Beverly Hills.

- Right.

[throat clearing]

- Well, Doug was just telling us

that he used to be a hypnotist.

- Oh he did, did he?

Thought we weren't
gonna talk about that.

- Just sorta came out.

- Anyway, I think
it'd be great fun

if he hypnotized one of us.

- No, I couldn't.

- Oh yes, yes, me,
me, me, hypnotize me.

- Okay, well, I guess
I could give it a shot.

- Yay!

[soft piano music]

Okay, um.

Keep your eye on the watch.

You're getting sleepy.

- Sleepy.

- Very sleepy.

- Oh, I think it's working.

- If you say so.

- Now when I count to
three and snap my fingers,

you'll be in a deep, deep sleep.

One.

Two.

Three [snaps fingers].

[soft piano music]

- Well, Doug.

- Doug, I think you
actually did it.

- Nope, just kidding [laughs].

Sorry, guys [laughs].

- I thought so.

- Oh well, better
luck next time.

- Yeah, there are just, there
are too many distractions

going on right now.

- Sure, sure, sure, sure.

Hey, look, we've gotta be going.

Welcome to the neighborhood.

- Yes, we should be
on our way as well.

Listen, Doug, Peter and I have

a golf game scheduled next week.

You should join us. Do you play?

- Golf? Yeah, of
course I do, I play.

- And how about you, Kate?
What are you doing tomorrow?

How about a shopping
spree, just us girls?

I have to introduce you
to the shops on Rodeo.

- That would be great.

- Yay.

- Well, thanks for coming over.

It was really great
to meet you guys.

- Yeah.

- Bye-bye.

- Bye.
- Bye.

[door opening and closing]

- Really, Doug?

- What was I supposed
to do? You saw.

Guess I gotta go get
some golf clubs now.

[gentle music]

- Thank you.

I'm telling you, Peter, there
is something about those two.

- They seem perfectly
normal to me.

- Normal for Topeka, maybe,

but they just don't seem
like our kind of people.

- Well they're showbiz types.

They're bound to
be a bit eccentric.

- George is in show business.
It's a legit show business.

But hypnotism, really?

- You're just being fussy.

I'm sure everything'll
turn out all right.

- Maybe.

- Now, how about you and I

get upstairs and
have a little fun?

- Oh, Peter.

I have a splitting headache.

- Yes, the longest
continuous headache

in the history of mankind.

- Shouting won't help, dear.

Good night.

[mysterious music]

- Hey, you know, I
think I'm gonna ask Doug

if he wants to invest
in my next picture.

- Are you sure
that's a good idea?

I'm not sure they
have that kinda money.

- Well that house isn't
cheap, even in today's market.

They have to have some money.

- Well you probably have
to give his wife a role.

Don't think I didn't notice
how she happened to mention

that she was an actress
after you mentioned

you were a producer.

- And don't think I
didn't notice you drooled

at the sight of her husband.

- Aw, is my man jealous?

- Always.

- Well, he was super
cute, and I wouldn't mind

a tussle with that
wife of his, either.

But right now, I wanna
take care of you.

- You vixen.

[laughing]

- Mm.

[soft romantic music]

- Thank you so much for
taking me around today.

- Oh no problem.

It is so nice to have someone
new in the neighborhood.

- Yeah, I'm sorry
about that whole

hypnotism thing yesterday.

- Oh no, don't worry about it.

It was all in good fun.

You know, I never
really believed in

any of that stuff anyway.

- Okay, good.

- You know, Kate, George
and I would like to meet

with you and Doug some evening.

We may have a
proposition for you.

- Oh my gosh.

Amy, okay, I'm super
flattered, and I've heard

about these Beverly Hills open
marriages, but I don't think

it's something that Doug
and I are really into.

- No, I meant a
business proposition.

- Okay, I'm embarrassed.

[laughing]

- But now that you mention
it, keep an open mind.

[birds singing]

[knocking on door]

- Coming.

- Are you Doug Nelson?

- Yes.

- The Doug Nelson who is
related to Elizabeth Nelson?

- Elizabeth?

You mean Aunt Bessie?

- Aunt Bessie?
Yes, she's the one.

- You knew Aunt Bessie?

- Oh, I knew her
quite intimately.

- I see.

- Doug, when your
aunt passed away,

she left instructions for
me to deliver this to you.

- What is it?

- The answer to your dreams.

- Okay, again, what is it?

- Many people considered your
aunt a hoax, a charlatan,

a snake oil salesman dressed
in a skirt, if you would.

Perhaps the same has
been said about you.

- Well, everything
except the skirt part.

- Oh, yes, of course.

But Elizabeth was
much more than that.

She truly knew the mystic
secrets of ancient Tibet.

And the power of hypnotism.

- Look, I've been through
this all before, okay.

I don't wanna get run
outta Beverly Hills

like I was run outta Cleveland.

- Oh, you misunderstand
me, my boy.

This is the genuine article.

With this jewel,
you will be granted

the power of hypnosis that
you have always wanted.

- Sure.

- I see that you
don't believe me.

Very well.

All I ask is that you try
it before you dismiss it.

But beware, the power of
the jewel can be corrupting.

- Whatever you say, man.

- Douglas, don't
take this lightly.

With great power comes
great responsibility.

You must always use
the jewel for good.

And never for evil.

- Well, thanks for the tip.

But you should
probably be going now.

I'm really busy here.

[soft music]

- Good day, madam.

- Good day.

- Sorry about that.

- Who was that?

- Just a door-to-door salesman.

- Hm, we're not supposed to
have those types around here.

- I'm sure he won't be back.

What can I do for you?

- Well, I hate to impose
on a new neighbor and all,

but I am making dinner tonight,

and I ran out of cooking sherry.

So, I was hoping that
you would have some.

- You know, the place was
fully stocked when we moved in,

so I'm not sure.

Why don't we go take a look?

- Thank you.

[light music]

- I'm just gonna check in the
kitchen cabinet over here.

- Okay.

[light music]

Hm.

[light music]

- I'm sorry. It looks like we
don't have any cooking sherry.

- That's okay.

- But.

I do have this.

[mysterious music]

You are now under my command.

- I am under your command.

- Holy cow, it works.

- Touch your nose.

Jump up and down.

Cluck like a chicken.

[imitating chicken]

Okay, Patricia, here's
what we're gonna do.

From now on, when you hear
somebody say wait three times,

you're gonna have the
uncontrollable urge

to have sex with that person.

- I will have an
uncontrollable urge.

- Okay, wake up [snaps fingers].

- Doug, what?

- I'm sorry, we don't
have any cooking sherry.

- I'm gonna go.

- Okay.

Wait, wait, wait.

[romantic music]

- Come here, you
big hunk of a man.

[upbeat music]

[moaning]

- You will forget all
about this encounter.

- I will forget.

[fingers snapping]

- Good.

- Honey, I'm home.

- Hi, sweetheart.

- Hey.

Oh, Patricia, what
are you doing here?

- I, um.

- Patricia came by to see if
we had any cooking sherry,

but we don't.

- Right.

- So she's gonna be going now.

- Right.

- Well, it was great to see you.

- Yeah, goodbye.

- That was strange.

- Yeah, you know,
crazy neighbors.

So, what's with all the stuff?

- Amy took me shopping.

- Did you have to
buy the entire store?

- Honey, if we're gonna
live in this neighborhood,

with these friends,
it's what's expected.

We're just gonna have
to figure out a way

to make some
serious money, fast.

- No, I can't.

- You know, Doug, I'd love
to talk to you sometime

about investing in
my next production.

- Oh, aren't movies
a risky investment?

- With my track record, hardly.

Besides, Peter's investing.

- That's right, gotta figure out

what to do with
all that oil money.

- So what kinda money are
we talking about here?

- Hardly much at all.

I just need to fill
some gaps in the budget.

Just a million or two.

- Oh, is that all?

[birds singing]

- Sorry you had such
a bad day, Doug.

If I didn't know better,
I'd say you'd never played

golf before in your life.

- Yeah, I can't remember
the last time I saw

anyone shoot a 200.

- Over par.

- Just unlucky today, I guess.

- What's this?

One of your mystical hoohas?

- No no, wait, don't
mess with that.

[mysterious music]

- What?

What just happened?

Peter, Peter.

What have you done?

[soft music]

- Now I've done it.

- [Kate] We're just gonna
have to figure out a way

to make some
serious money, fast.

- Tell me all your
secrets for making money

that nobody knows.

- I take millions from investors

and make shitty
movies for peanuts.

- Wait a minute.

That's a project you
wanted me to invest in?

- Yes.

On paper, they cost millions.

In reality, I spend hundreds.

- Doesn't anybody ever catch on?

- With a title like Invasion
of the Swamp People,

no one expects much.

- And what do you
do with your money?

- It's all in an
offshore account.

Cayman Islands, great
place to do business.

- And Peter's in on this too?

- No, I'm gonna take his
money as well [laughs].

- Oh really?

Hm.

[fingers snapping]

- What the hell just happened?

- Well, Georgie boy, you
know I'm a hypnotist.

- Yeah, but I
thought a lousy one.

- Apparently not.

I had you under just now,

and you told me some
rather interesting things.

- It was a college thing.
Everyone experimented.

- No no, not that.

About your cheapo movies
and your fake investments

and your offshore accounts.

- Oh, damn.

- So, unless you want
me to spill the beans

to Peter over here,
or go to the cops,

I think you and
I need to come up

with some kinda
payment arrangement.

- You're blackmailing me?

- You're cheating
your investors.

- Good point.

All right, Nelson,
what do you want?

- You know, I think
two million dollars

doesn't sound unreasonable.

- It's damn unreasonable.

- You didn't say
that this morning.

You said two million dollars
was hardly anything at all.

- Yes, but that was
your two million.

- And it will be mine,
once you give it to me.

- Well I guess I have no choice.

- Now you're talking.

- Oh, sorry, I didn't
know it was that valuable.

- That's okay, just a
family heirloom, you know.

- Well gosh, guys, I gotta
get home to the little woman.

- I gotta get going too.

Let's do this again sometime.

- Matter of fact, why
don't we do it tomorrow?

Why don't we all get together
and have a few drinks?

You guys can bring the wives.

- Sounds good to
me. We'll be there.

- Yeah, great.

- We'll see you.

- Okay.

- I can't believe it. I
just can't believe it.

That bastard. That lowlife,
dirty, rotten, stinking.

- George, George, who
are you talking about?

- That new idiot
neighbor of ours.

- Slow down, slow
down. What happened?

- We were golfing today, right?

- Right?

- And I was gonna ask
Doug about investing

in the new Swamp People movie.

- Right.

- Well, we get back
to Doug's place.

- No, no, wait,
don't mess with that.

- What just happened?

- Tell me all your
secrets for making money.

- I take millions from investors

and make shitty
movies for peanuts.

- I think you and
I need to come up

with some kinda
payment arrangement.

- And he wants two
million dollars.

- That son of a bitch.

And to think I was
gonna have sex with him.

- Yeah. Wait, what?

- Nothing, nothing.

I bet that tramp wife
of his is involved too.

- I can't believe someone's
trying to blackmail me, me.

- So are you gonna pay?

- Hell no, you know
all of our assets

are tied up in those
offshore investments.

I couldn't even lay my
hands on two million

in cash if I wanted to.

- So what are we gonna do?

- You know, I've
got just the thing.

[mysterious music]

- What's that?

- Oh nothing, just something
left over from the shop.

- Oh, right, well, good night.

- Hey, Kate?

- Mm.

- Did you mean it
when you said we had

to find a way to
make a lotta money?

- Well, honey, we live in
Beverly Hills, and I know we own

the house outright,
but keeping up

with these housewives
is gonna be expensive.

- What if I can't find a way?

- You always find a way.
I have faith in you.

Plus, I'm worth it.

- Great.

[upbeat music]

- Are you sure we're
in the right place?

- Yes, this is the right place.

- I've never been in a
place this seedy before.

- I met you in a
place like this.

[soft music]

- So how do you know
this guy anyway?

- He was recommended
to me by some friends.

- Who recommends hitmen?

- I have a list of references,
if you'd like to see them.

- No no, that's quite all right.

Carmine.

- Yeah.

- I'm George Hamwell.

- Aint that nice.

- Well you may have heard
of me. I produce movies.

- Really, which ones?

- Well the Giant Slime
Creature From Venus.

- Nope.

- The Three-Eyed
Monster From Planet X.

- Never heard of it.

- Scorpion Killer Versus--

- George.

- All right, it's not important.

I've got a job for you.

- Did you bring the cash?

- 50,000, just like you asked.

- I'm assuming I don't
have to count this.

- I don't think he can count.

- No no, it's all there.

- Who's the guy you want iced?

- His name is Doug Nelson.

Here's the address.

- Okay.

[soft music]

You and I will never
see each other again.

You, however, I will
see in my dreams.

- Ew.

Hm.

[soft music]

[suspenseful music]

[sighing]

- Peter, Peter, Peter.

I heard something. I heard
something downstairs.

- Hm, what?

- Downstairs, I heard something.

- You're just having one
of your anxiety attacks.

Go to sleep.

- No, Peter, seriously.

- Sleeping pills in
the medicine cabinet.

- Oh.

[mysterious music]

- Ow, ow, hey, wait, wait, wait!

- I have an uncontrollable
urge to have sex with you.

- Excuse me.

- Shut up and take your
clothes off. Come here.

Oh.

- You're something.

I've waited for someone
like you all my life.

[soft music]

[moaning]

- Oh.

I'm sorry. I don't
know what came over me.

- No need to apologize,
baby. You're a sexual dynamo.

Inside that prim and
proper was a wildcat

waiting to get out.

- Yeah, I know.

Wait a minute, who are you,

and what are you
doing in my house?

- Oh yeah, I forgot.

I'm here to kill your husband.

- You're here to kill Peter?

- Doug.

- Doug?

Doug Nelson?

- Yeah.

- Doug doesn't even live here.

[papers rattling]

- 7212 Maple Lane?

No.

This is 7221.

- Oh, George is an idiot.

He must be dyslexic
or something.

- George?

George Hamwell?

- That's the guy.

- Why would George
wanna kill Doug?

- I don't know.

It's an investment scheme
or something gone wrong.

I don't care, baby. I
don't care about that.

All I care is about you.

- Don't, don't,
don't. Down, boy.

- But I gotta have you.

- Ts, ts. All in due time.

Wait a minute.

If George is up to what
I think he's up to,

I think I might be
able to use your help.

You up for that?

- I would do anything for you.

- Oh.

I'm Patricia, by the way.

- Carmine.

- Nice to meet you.
- Nice to meet you.

[soft music]

- [Kate] Hey, thanks for coming.

- Oh, we wouldn't miss it.

- Oh, Amy, George. How
nice to see you both.

- Patricia.

- How have you been?

- Oh just peachy.

- Hello, George.

- Peter.

- I must say, Patricia,

you're looking
particularly vibrant today.

- Oh really?

Must be this new
face cream I have.

- Oh well, whatever it
is, I want some [laughs].

- No.

- Sorry.

- I mean, I think
I'm almost out.

- Hey, be careful, Doug, if
I know George, he'll have you

investing in his movie before

you're finished with
the first round.

- Oh, I don't think so.

- He says all he needs
is a couple more million.

- Yeah, two million dollars,
hardly anything at all, right?

- Well I wouldn't say that.

- But you did say that.

- You did.

- Perhaps I was a
bit hasty, okay.

It is a substantial
amount of money.

But a good investment.

- Oh, I'm sure it is.

- Well, in any case,
maybe George can give you

a few pointers on
the golf course, huh?

- Sure, anytime.

- Patricia, is everything okay?

- What? Oh, yeah.

Excuse me, Kate, can you tell
me where your restroom is?

- Yeah, it's down
past the bedroom.

- Oh, thank you.

[soft music]

- That was odd.

- Yes, it was. Excuse me.

- Sure.

[soft music]

- What took you so long?

- I had to wait for Amy
and George to get here.

Now, you're gonna stick
with the plan, right?

- The plan? Yeah, the plan.

I intimidate George
into revealing

that he hired me to kill Doug.

- And that he's
ripping off my husband.

- Right, right.

You know, that's
not much of a plan.

- He's right.

[gasping]

- Sic her, Carmine.

- Wait. Wait, wait!

- Oh, mm.

[soft music]

- Boy.

[soft music]

- So, Peter, tell me
about the oil business.

It sounds fascinating.

- Well, there's not that
much to tell really.

You know what they
say. Oil is money.

- Is that what they say, really?

- Sure, yeah, black
gold, Texas tea.

Except in my case it's
more like California latte.

[laughing]

- Well I'm glad to hear
that you're doing so well.

- Oh, quite well.

- Oil's well that ends well.

- Well, looks like everyone
could use a new drink.

George, do you wanna
help me in the kitchen?

- Uh, yeah, sure.

- Okay.

- Hm.

- Listen, Kate,
whatever your husband

has told you, it's not true.

- Actually, I wasn't really
here to talk about my husband.

- You're not?

- No.

I was wondering if you
could possibly cast me

in your next movie.

- Oh, oh, well. I can
certainly consider it.

- I mean, it doesn't
have to be a big part.

The female lead is fine.

- Well, you know I do
all my own auditions.

- Mm-hm. I'm ready.

- Well action.

[soft saxophone music]

- I wonder what's
keeping everybody.

- I don't know. Oh, Kate.

- Hey, I'm right here, Doug.

- Weren't you getting drinks?

- Oh.

- The drinks can wait.

I have something
far more important.

- What is it, honey?

- Carmine.

- Carmine?

Amy, what's going on?

- George, just listen.
Go ahead, Carmine.

- As unaccustomed as I
am to making speeches.

- Just get on with it, dear.

- [clears throat] Okay,
that guy right there

paid me to kill that guy.

- Me?

- No, no, no, Carmine. Remember?

- Oh, I meant that guy.

- Me?

- Yeah, you gotta work
on your penmanship, dude.

- George, what's going on?

- That's what I'd like to know.

- I have no idea what this
lummox is talking about.

- Lummox?

Lummox?

What's a lummox?

- Just get on with
it, dear, okay? Mm-hm.

[choking]

- Okay, okay, okay, my whole
movie investment is a scam.

- What?

- I really don't even
have a movie project.

My last film did so poorly
no one'll finance me.

- Are you serious? So I
slept with you for nothing?

- Well I had fun.

- Excuse me.

- Later, honey.

- Keep talking.

- Doug was blackmailing me,

threatened to tell Peter
I was stealing his money.

- Excuse me.

- Later, honey.

- I spent all my
money on my last film.

I don't have a dime to my name.

- Oh, sweetie.

- What about the
50 G's you paid me?

- Good think you
didn't count it.

[laughing]

- I don't see what's so funny.

- Oh my.

All of this trouble for nothing.
The joke is on all of you.

My oil wells have been
dusters for months.

My company filed bankruptcy
last week [laughs].

I'm dead broke.

- Oh, you jerk.

I can't. Why you?

- Doug, you have
to do something.

- Okay.

[upbeat dramatic music]

- What the?

- It's this, okay? It's
making me do evil things.

We gotta get rid of it.

- What is it?

- Never mind. Just tell
me that you love me.

- Of course I love you.

- Even if we have
to leave all of this

and go back to the psychic shop?

- Sweetheart, honestly,
I hate this place.

And all these people.

- Yeah, but you
slept with George.

- Oh, well, it was this
evil doohickey thing.

Its energies, they
affected me too.

- Okay, let's just
get outta here.

- Okay.

[light music]

[sighing]

- Lesson learned.

[light music]

On to the next one.

I suppose I should release you.

No.

[fingers snapping]

- Hey, look, the
new stock came in.

[soft music]

- I astounded people
across this country

with my mental skills, okay.

Fortune telling, mind
reading, hypnotism.

[soft music]

[imitating chicken]

[soft music]

- Oh yes, yes, me,
me, hypnotize me!

[soft music]

- It's all in an
offshore account.

Cayman Islands, great
place to do business.

[soft music]

- Oh yeah, I forgot. I'm
here to kill your husband.

[soft music]

- Black gold, Texas tea.

Except in my case, it's
more like California latte.

[soft music]

- A hoax, a charlatan,

a snake oil salesman
dressed in a skirt.

[soft music]