Bullseye! (1990) - full transcript

MAN: They say that everybody
in the world

has someone somewhere
who looks like they do.

It was my bad luck

that the man
who looked like me

was an American scientist

working on some scheme

to produce
cheap electricity

by a thing called fusion.

His name
was Dr. Daniel Hicklar.

He was an idiot.

WOMAN: Have you seen
Dr. Hicklar?



Do you know where he is?

MAN: In his laboratory.

Not now, Miss Fleming.

The girl is with

the Central
Intelligence Agency.

More of her later.

And the smooth-talking
double-crosser down there

is Hicklar'’s partner,

Sir John Bavistock.

Now that Fleischmann
and Pine'’s U.S. Research

into cold fusion has
been widely rejected--

Yes, yes, my dear,

but our efforts
are taking

a rather more
sophisticated route.



I'’ve done it.

Beautiful.

Bullseye.

Yes, well,
it'’s all rather technical,
I'’m afraid.

I have a doctorate in
physics from Cal Tech.

Yay! Yay!

MAN: Hey, where is he going?

Sir John.

It works! It works!

Are you sure?

You bet your ass.
Let'’s have some champagne.

But you don'’t drink.

I name you...

licensed to print money.

Ho!
No one else knows?

No one. What do you
reckon the secret

of an endless supply
of clean, cheap energy
is worth

on the open market?

Money.

Money.

Is this a breakthrough?

The experiment was
a complete failure.

I'’m afraid
it'’s back to
the drawing board.

Have you ever tried
that position?

I'’m contemplating suicide,

or perhaps becoming
a member of parliament.

No, suicide.

MAN: Now, while these two
were overcome

by their own genius,

I was a few miles away

detained as a guest
of her majesty.

That means
I was in prison.

That'’s me, Sidney Lipton.

One more bullseye, and
I'’m the champion, right?

Was a complete failure.

Here, Sid, there'’s a bloke
on TV looks just like you.

He ain'’t got
that silly nose of yours.

Don'’t call me
when I'’m at work.

I got to beat
old One-arm.

It'’s time, Lipton.
You'’re a free man.

Five seconds, sir.
Please.

You know the rules.
You'’re a free man.

Can'’t have you associating
with these criminals.

Might pick up
some bad habits.

Oh, all right, then.

Cheerio, lads.

All the best.

Bye-bye.

I won, then.

Good luck to you,
Sidney.

That'’ll be the day.

[DING DING]

Hey, wait a minute!

While I'’m starting
my new life,

a man who was part
of my old life

is about to pull one
of his little zingers.

Good morning,
sir.

I'’ll see you inside,
Senator.

Muffin and I can find
our own way in.

Unload the car,
would you?

Come on, Muff.

Here he comes,
dressed to kill--

a cheap crook called
Gerald Bradley-Scott.

You sure he'’s rich?

He'’s an American
politician.

He'’s rich.

Drive, Tim.
They'’re onto us.

Wait!

Wait!

Wait!

Poor old Rodney.
Hate to do this
to him.

Ronald.

Whoever.

SID: See what I mean?

That'’s typical Gerald.

Good God.
Dirty sod.

Dear, dear.

Here you are, Tim.
This is your share.

You'’re an art lover.

Look out!

Hey, you stupe!
Look what you'’ve done!

I couldn'’t agree
with you more.

Absolutely appalling.

I'’ll never use
your firm again.

Do your duty.

All right, sir.

See the lady in black?

Gerald and me shared
an apartment with her

when we were young.

She'’s the last character
in our story.

Her name is Willie.

He had a good innings,
Mrs. Metcalfe.

After all, when I
married you five years ago,

the doctor said he had
only six months to live.

I should have asked
for a second opinion.

"I, Turshis Metcalfe,

"leave my entire estate

"to the woman
whose love and devotion

"has meant so much to me

"during my years
of ill health,

Ms. Donna Dulch."

You'’ve got 28 days

to get out of the house,
Mrs. Metcalfe.

You'’re most considerate.

SID: All I needed after this

was a visit
from the smart one
of our old gang.

Why is she here?

Sidney.

Willie?

Sidney, you don'’t
look happy.

I come from
a broken home.

Get in.

DULCH: Put the pictures
in the back.

Careful with that.

I thought you said
28 days.

With the house, darling,
not the contents.

My late husband'’s
girlfriend.

What'’s she got
that you haven'’t?

Everything.
Hope she didn'’t
take the bath.

You smell of prison.

This takes me back.

1967, wasn'’t it?

The summer of peace
and love.

I was selling
dried bananas
to suckers

as prime pot.

Whenever I wanted
a bath then,

that selfish sod
Gerald

had taken all
the hot water.

Well, he'’s mellowed
with age.

His sort don'’t mellow,
they rot.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

That'’ll be
our first guest.

I think these clothes
will fit you.

You'’re about
the same build
as Turshis.

Thanks.

Of course,
he was a hunchback.

Sidney,
guess who'’s here.

Hello, Sid.

You!

You remember Chief
Inspector Grosse.

No hard feelings, eh, Sid?

No hard feelings?

You put me away
for three years.

Had to, Sid.

Someone ratted on you.

Ratted?

Nobody knew
about that heist

except me...

and Gerald.

Of course.

It was Gerald.

Inspector Grosse
was part of our team.

Cheers.

Cheers.

Might not
have been Gerald.

We picked him up
for unpaid parking tickets,

and he sang
like Madonna.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

What a perfect
hostess.

Really.

Sidney,
it'’s been so long.

Traitor!

No, no, Sidney.

Sidney, they tortured me.

They threatened to
put out my glass eye.

You don'’t have
a glass eye.

See how cruel they were?

Now that we'’ve all arrived,

let'’s get down to business.

What business?

Things are tough, Sidney.

I'’m broke, widowed,

and being thrown out
of my home.

I need
my real friends.

Then why is Gerald here?

I want you two
to do a job.

I'’m not working with
that double-crosser.

He'’s put so many
partners in jail,

they'’ve named a wing
after him.

You'’re no master
criminal yourself.

The closest
you'’ll ever get
to a brainstorm

is a drizzle.Very funny.

There'’s a million pounds
at stake, Sidney.

The experiment was
a complete failure.

I'’m contemplating
suicide.

I'’m afraid it'’s back
to the drawing board.

Sir John Bavistock

and Dr. Daniel Hicklar,

two government
scientists on the take.

They'’ve got a safety
deposit box at Lacey'’s

full of uncut diamonds.

And no way are they
going to squeal

if you help yourselves.

Lacey'’s? That'’s a shop,
isn'’t it?

They opened
a safety deposit vault
two years ago.

You were away.

You really think
we look the same?

You sure do.

I'’ll bankroll
the preparations.

All the research
is in here.

Hicklar'’s
got blue eyes.

I haven'’t.

My one'’s quite handsome.

You'’ll never look
like him, then.

Here. My one'’s got
a funny nose.

You'’re the one
with the funny nose.

Plastic surgery.

Plastic explosives.

I'’m out.

A million pounds each,
Sidney.

Half a million a nostril.

Think about it, Sidney.

Goodbye, old friend.

Thanks.

MAN: A key opens your box.

This code opens
the security door.

Then you simply insert
your key, madam.

Then you can take
your box in there.

If there'’s anything
else you require,
Mrs. Metcalfe...

Good afternoon, Henry.

5:00 as usual,
gentlemen.

Yes.

How'’s the wife'’s leg, Henry?

It'’s a long,
slow job, Sir John,
I'’m afraid.

Take her away
somewhere warm--

Barbados.

On my take-home pay?

£93 a week.

Save up, Henry.
Save up.

Oh, allow me.

Aren'’t you
Sir John Bavistock?

Yes, I am.

You'’re Dr. Hicklar.

Yeah.

I saw you on TV.

I think you'’re both
so brilliant.

You'’re trying to
create cheap energy
for all of mankind.

I'’m so sorry
that you failed.

My daughter
thinks you'’re
both so handsome.

Would you mind
signing this
for her?

Only if you promise

to have lunch with me
next week.

Lunch with both
of you?

Oh, you'’re so kind.

Well, I don'’t know
if Dr. Hicklar

can manage lunch.

I certainly can.

Oh.

Will Dr. Farebrother
please report to reception?

Dr. Farebrother
to reception.

So keep practicing
their signatures.

Look. You tap in
a six-figure code

to make the box
come out.

Have you figured out
the code?

Your American accent'’s
coming along, Sidney.

You sound like
Bugs Bunny.

Bavistock'’s code'’s
no problem,

but Hicklar...

is masking the keyboard.

Grosse figures
the last digit

has to be 3, 6, or 9.

If you go wrong
more than twice,
the alarms ring.

Otherwise, you open
the box itself
with a key.

Who gets the keys?

You do...

Next week while
I'’m having lunch with them.

They only come up
from their lab
one day a week.

They go to the vault
exactly at 5:00.

Oh, and they go
to their private clubs

and fitness clubs.

They'’re health freaks.

What?

I keep in shape.

Only it'’s
a rotten shape.

Stop bickering

and do your homework.

What do you think
they do

with all the bits
they cut off?

Well, they join them
all together,

and they make
Michael Jackson.

Who'’s Michael Jackson?

Now, I ask you--

is this a job for a man
just out of hospital?

I'’m off to Sir John
Bavistock'’s apartment

to get the key
to his deposit box.

Willie has the easy part.

She'’s having lunch
with Bavistock and Hicklar

to make sure
they'’re not home.

Oh.

Aah.

Aah!

Ow! Ow!

That Gerald,
he loves dressing up.

This is his idea

of how to get
Hicklar'’s key.

Yes.

You'’re Dr. Hicklar?

I'’m the piano tuner.

I'’m his sister.

Dan'’s out to lunch.

Did he take the piano
with him? Ha ha.

I don'’t believe it.

Oy, mate!

Yo.

The governor
wants you back
in the depot.

He knows about you
and his secretary.

Bloody hell.

Ah.

Please. I cannot work
with someone in the room.

You can'’t see me.

I have an acute sense
of smell.

[CASSETTE PLAYS PIANO TUNING]

Where is
the bloody key?

Where is the key?

Hello.

Mr. Piano tuner.

Would you care
for a drink?

Do you have any
mineral water?

Yes.
Hot tea?

Yes.

Coffee?

Yes.

Decaffeinated?

Of course.

I need caffeine.

I'’ll dash out
to the store.

No hurry.

[CASSETTE PLAYS]

My dear.

You look radiant.

Stephie!

I didn'’t think
they allowed women
in men'’s clubs.

They changed
the rules.

And today is the first day.

[DOG BARKS]

Shh! Shh! Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh!

[DOG BARKS]

[GROWLING]

Oh, it would be.

Fetch!

Get back! Get--

Aah!

Aah!

Is anybody there?

Are you there, Cedric?

I think someone'’s trying
to come through.

I thought Cedric was 5'’3"
with black hair.

What have you been
hiding from us, Liddy?

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday to you

♪ Happy birthday,
dear Elspeth ♪

♪ Happy birthday

♪ To you

Greetings from the singing
window cleaner-o-gram.

Who'’s Elspeth?

[ROCK AND ROLL PLAYS]

This new rule
seems very popular.

Last week there were
only three chaps here
for lunch.

And two of those
couldn'’t eat salads.

Dan, we should be
getting back.

Have another
cup of coffee.

This is so
interesting here.

You shouldn'’t
have caffeine
at your age.

Oh, God.

Where did he put it?

What are you doing
in here?

I am looking
for the other piano.

There isn'’t one.

Are you sure, miss?

What is that down there?

What is what?

The tape recorder.

Oh, that? That is
my reference tape.

Where did you learn
piano tuning?

Salzburg.

Under Mozart?

No. I studied
at the church
where he was buried.

Mozart was under me.
Ha ha.

Aah!

That'’s Dan'’s favorite thing
in the whole world.

I'’ll go get a brush.

Ow!

I found Dr. Hicklar
very attractive.

What'’s he got
that I haven'’t?

Brains, money, and, uh...

sex appeal.

Sidney,
I think I know

how you can get
your key.

Blow the dog'’s
brains out

with a sawed-off
shotgun.

Nothing quite so drastic.

I hope this works.

Trust me.

Behave yourself.

Ah!

Prince, come here!

Prince!

Prince, come back,
you randy beggar!

You'’ve had
a very nice time,

but you must share
with your sisters.

It'’s like leading
Rob Lowe around
on a leash, isn'’t it?

Come on.

Off you go.
Stand back.

There'’s going to be
a lot of fur flying.

She doesn'’t fancy him.

It'’s like
married life.

Uh-oh, she'’s
changed her mind.

Does all that
on dog biscuits.

Can you remember
when you could do it

six times
in an afternoon?

I can cast my mind
back three weeks,
Sidney. Yes.

Here. Look at that.

He'’s getting quite fond
of her, isn'’t he?

Very romantic,
Sidney.

You should try
dog biscuits.

I'’ve tried them.
They don'’t work.

They'’re doing
very well there.

He'’ll sleep like a log
after this lot.

It'’ll be all right
if he doesn'’t dream.

There he goes.

I think he'’s getting
tired now. Look.

I think he'’s asleep.

I hope he is,
for your sake.

Unbelievable.
You have to give
six dogs ecstasy

to get one key.

Well, I must get
to my tailor.

Is this
a breakthrough,
Dr. Hicklar?

[AMERICAN ACCENT]
The experiment was
a complete failure.

Sir John.

I'’m, uh,
contemplating suicide.

Do you really think you
could convince someone
who knowsHicklar?

Piece of cake.

£50 says you can'’t.

No point in taking
silly risks.

[DOORBELL RINGS]

Scared?

You want to show off?

Try Sir John'’s
health club.

The address
is in there.

You'’re on.

Hello!

Where are you going?

For a workout.

Fellows, let'’s
go upstairs.

WOMAN:
Good afternoon.

Uh, Sir John Bavistock.

[BUZZER]

Nice to see you,
Sir John.

Not your
regular day.

I like to keep
my hand in.

Your usual?

Yes. Why not?

Pamela, for Sir John.

[FOOTSTEPS]

Johnny, darling!

Twice in one week...

you stud.

RECEPTIONIST:
Hello, David.
The usual?

[MOTOR RUNNING]

[DOOR SLAMS]

What took you
so long?

It was unbelievable.

We changed ends
at halftime.

What?

It'’s not
a health club...

it'’s a brothel!

Excuse me.

Sidney.A bet'’s a bet.

He'’s been
to Bavistock'’s club.
I'’m going to Hicklar'’s.

It'’s a matter of honor.

He'’s right.

WOMAN: Who is it?

Dr. Daniel Hicklar.

[LATCH OPENS]

[BUZZ]

Danny,
you'’ve put on weight,
you naughty boy.

Yes, I have.

I'’ll need a...

double session.

You sure you can
handle it?

Sure.

Evelyn for Dr. Hicklar.

Ahh.

The hot tub.

The aromatic oils.

Unh! Aah!

Those gentle hands.

Those clever hands.

[BONES CRACK]

Aah!

Aah! Ooh!

Why the heck
did you let
Sidney go out

the night before
the scam?

Give him a break,
Willie.

He hasn'’t had a woman
in three years.

Has he?

How should Iknow?

[DOOR OPENING]

Dirty old man.

[BARKING]

Now listen,
you guys,

they leave the club
at 4:15.

Take the rover
to Lacey'’s.

They'’re always there
at 5:00 sharp,

so you must
be there earlier.

Good luck.

Sidney,
why don'’t we see

where the young ladies
are going to?

We shouldn'’t
do this--

not the night
of the robbery.

Good evening, sir.

Two large G & Ts,
please.

Ice and a slice?Yes.

Hello, ladies.

May I buy...

Nuclear physics?

What?

I was just reading
your chest.

You'’re a scientist.

Sir John.

They said you
wouldn'’t be back from
the laboratory in time.

SID: Blimey, the girls thought
we were real scientists.

Then, who turns up
to the convention?

Thereal
Hicklar and Bavistock.

Five hours
in the lab. Not bad.
Keep the change.

I'’m fed up with
these scientific
meetings.

G & T--
ice and a slice twice.

Dr. Hicklar, I thought
you didn'’t drink.

He doesn'’t.

They'’re both
for me.

Barman...
Yes?

Where'’s
Dr. Hicklar'’s
carrot juice?

And whatever
the ladies require.

Two white wine
spritzers, please.

Cheers.

Gerald.

Is something wrong
with your neck?

Good evening,
Sir John.

Good evening.

Good. We'’ve missed
the dinner.

Still time to impress
the science groupies.

Let'’s wash our hands.

Listen, Gerald,
we can'’t stay here.

The place is crawling
with physicists.

Those girls
will figure us out.

At least,
let me get her
phone number.

Ah! There you are.

Bavistock, I'’ve got
a bone to pick with you.

Oh, not now, uh...
Chesterton.

I tried to reproduce
that experiment of yours

in last month'’s
Scientific American

where you said you passed
a high voltage through
a vanadium electrode.

So.

It blew the roof off
my frigging garage.

Maybe you didn'’t
understand the article.

And maybe
your fusion program is
horse shit!

And maybe you are
a bloody bore!

[SCREAMING]

WOMAN:
Fred, for heaven sake,
will you stop them?

Stop this!

Yep.
Quiet supper
at the club?

MAN: All right! All right!
Come on. Break it up.

Terrible.

Well?

That Willie,
she'’s still out.

So I left a message
on the answering
machine.

Sid, when, uh...

when you and me and Willie
shared that, uh...

Well, did you
and Willie ever...

Never.

Did you?

Certainly not.

Liar!
Liar!

Here, take a card.

You and
your card tricks.

Eight of diamonds...

and it'’s
in the toilet.

Do you mind if I pick up
my messages first?

Okay.

Someone wants
to pay your bail.

It'’s just not like
my brother.

Dan! Oh!
Are you okay?

Sure.
Who are you?

Uh, ha. Don'’t you
recognize your sister?

You must forgive him.
He'’s suffering from shock.

I'’m here to stand bail for
Sir John and Dr. Hicklar.

I'’m Dr. Hicklar'’s
sister.

The hell you are!

What she means is
she is mysister.

She'’s so confused.

Aren'’t you, Willie?

WILLIE: Yes.

I'’ve come to bail
out my scientists.

And who are you, sir?

Not you, sir.
Sir Hugh, sir.

Sir Hugh Corey,
her majesty'’s chief
scientific advisor.

Do you realize the shame
you are reflecting

on the whole British
scientific establishment?

How could you hit
Prof. Chesterton?

I had to, sir.

He called you a pompous,
ignorant old has-been.

Bavistock, Hicklar,

Look. No hard feelings.
I'’ll pay your fine.

Oh, really!

Pompous, ignorant
old has-been!

Hey! What the--Let me tell you,

I think
this is the time to go.

...grant is concerned,
you can forget it!

Come on, sir.

I'’ve called you
a minicab.

Is that it?

His other car'’s
a Rolls-Royce.

[RADIO PLAYS ROCK AND ROLL]

Where to?

Lacey'’s!

Where'’s that?

We'’ll direct you.

Here, mate.

You'’re famous.

Have you
seen this?
We'’re dead.

Uh, turn right.

SIDNEY: He'’s crazy!

GERALD:
You'’re telling me!

CABBIE:
There'’s no problem.

I'’ll drive.

SID: What a waynot
to get to a robbery.

In the meantime,
Bavistock and Hicklar

are leaving their club
to go to the vault.

Our last trip.

Before the
real fun starts.

SID: Willie had a little
surprise ready.

Trust her to
take care of things.

[HONK]

Jesus H. Christ!

You stupid,
bloody woman!

Hi.

You!

It'’s her.

Good God.

Ohh! Did you see that?
He hit me!

All right.
What'’s the fuss?

This man hit
that poor woman.

This is absolutely
unbelievable.

Do you know who I am?

[HONKING]

[CAR RADIO PLAYS]

[HONKING]

[ROCK AND ROLL
PLAYS ON THE RADIO]

If we don'’t get there
by 5:00,

we'’ll bump into Bavistock
and Hicklar in the vault.

[STARTS ENGINE]

[HONKS HORN]

Hey, watch out!

He'’s good, ain'’t he?

Mind you, I'’ve only had
two hours on this wreck.

I just stole it.

Thanks for the ride.

Swiss cheese is available
as soft andhard cheese.

Sir, can I press you
something soft?

Why not? We'’ll have
the cheese after.

Lacey'’s will be closing
in 15 minutes.

Please complete
your purchases.

Afternoon, gents.

Let you out,
did they?

Uh, case of
mistaken identity.

How'’s the wife'’s
legs, then?

Different guard,
you idiot.

All guards'’ wives
have legs.

[BEEP]

Try 9.

Positive.

Go on. 9.
I'’m certain.

Then it must be 6.

[BEEP]

Excuse me, gentlemen.

He made me do it.

Bastard!

The store is closed
for a special visitor.

Mind coming this way?

This one,
your majesty.

Oh, yes. This looks
verygood.

SID: Just our luck,
the day we picked
to rob the vault,

the queen of England
decides to nip out
for a bit of shopping.

What'’s she doing here?

Thank you.

Taxi!

SID: We made it just in time.

There'’s the real Bavistock
and Hicklar arriving.

Are they
in for a surprise.

We'’re late, Sir John.

I hope they let us in.

What the hell!

What is this?

[ARGUING]

Would you ju--

Do you know
who the hell we are?

Two thieving
traitors.

It'’s possible
he'’s on to us.

[CHEERING]

[WALTZ PLAYS]

This takes me back.

King'’s road.

1967, right?

Bare walls, no curtains.

Real cockroaches,
too.

Were we so
unhappy then?

Sure, we were.

Now we'’re happy.

We have £3 million
worth of diamonds.

[RADIO CHATTER]

What'’s that?

It must be the neighbors.

[DOGS BARKING]

Yeah, and 15 police cars,
7 vicious dogs,

and 20 police marksmen.

I don'’t think we should
open the other bottle.

POLICE OFFICER:
Come out with your hands...

Hemade me do it.

He made me do it.

He made me do it!

SID: How come half the police
of London ganged up on us?

Well, little did we know,
that the security
of our great nation

needed crooks like us
to help out.

You double-crossing
bastard!

What'’s going on here?

Come on, sir.

This is Darrell Hyde of the
Central Intelligence Agency...

[COUGHS]

and Nigel Holden
of MI5.

We'’re thieves,
not spies.

Thank you, Sidney.

There goes our
"not guilty" plea.

Our two governments
sunk half a billion

into Hicklar and Bavistock'’s
fusion project.

At last,
they made a breakthrough.

Congratulations.

Unfortunately, they'’ve
decided to go freelance.

They'’re auctioning
the secret of endless
cheap energy

to the highest bidder.

Six foreign powers have paid
the £3 million deposit.

Which youstole
this afternoon.

We'’re holding
the scientists,

so we need you
to continue your
brilliant impersonation.

You mean,
we'’ve been set up?

Sorry I'’m late.
I went to the
natural history museum.

You?

We recruited Miss Fleming
at Harvard

and planted her
in Hicklar'’s lab.

Then how come
she doesn'’t know
the formula?

Hicklar did
the final work
in secret.

He didn'’t
trust anybody.

With you lot,
he was bloody right.

The auctions
are set to take place
on the Orient Express.

I'’ve been
to the orient.

This is a rather lovely tour
of the stately homes,

ending up in Scotland.

I can'’t go. I suffer
from motion sickness.

Even these
make me feel wobbly.

GERALD:
Well, I'’m a card-
carrying coward.

Anyway, how will
selling false plans

help get
the real ones back?

It'’ll con the
successful buyer

out of a few
million dollars.

And after building
a factory based
on theseplans,

they'’ll end up with
a very expensive batch
of chocolate pudding.

While you impersonate them
on the train,

we'’ll...persuade
Bavistock and Hicklar

to tell us where
the real plans are.

It won'’t be easy,
though.

Bavistock was a major
in the royal marines.

We'’ve got to find

where they put
their computer disk
with the fusion plans.

Miss Fleming
will go with you.

She'’s
our protection?

Might as well
shoot us now.

What about
the diamonds?

Pull this off,
you keep them.

Are you in?

ALL: O.K.

I suppose so.

Be nasty for you
back in jail,
Gerald...

with all the partners
you'’ve let down.

What time'’s
the train leave?

WOMAN:
Welcome to theOrient Express
tour of the stately homes

terminating
at Inveraray, Scotland.

SID: You and Flo look
pretty good pretending
to be mother and daughter.

I still don'’t know
why you'’ve come, though.

Well,
I got you into this.

The least I can do
is hold you hand.

You'’ll be in frequent
contact with the cops
at all times?

Oh, yeah. Constantly.

Sidney!
Hey, Sidney!

Sidney, it'’s me--
Alf.

We shared a prison cell.

I think you made
a mistake, mister.

My name is Hicklar,
Dr. Daniel Hicklar.

But I owe you
20 quid, Sid boy.

I'’ll take that.

You don'’t know me.

Geez.
Maybe you'’re right.

Love the new nose,
Sid.

The accent stinks.

I'’m dead.

Are you kidding?
You did an excellent job
of undercover work.

SID: So off we went
to mislead foreign powers

by selling them
false plans,

while those idiots
in the security service

tried to get the real ones
from Hicklar and Bavistock.

This was not my normal game.

I needed a drink.

I'’ll have a swastein
swizzle, please.

Sidney! Hicklar
does not drink!

He doesn'’t drink,
he doesn'’t go with women.

What the hell
does he need money for?

He'’s--uh...

Ahh!

Here! Here,
that'’s my drink.

He'’ll blow
the whole mission
if he doesn'’t shape up.

Just look at him.

Let'’s get ready
for dinner.

Waiter! I'’ll have
a virgin'’s blush now.

Are you qualified to
join me, young lady?

Go away!

Ha ha ha ha ha.

Hey! Ha ha ha!
Hello!

Sit down, Sidney.

Heeeyyy!

You are not
meant to know them.

I often wave
at strange women.

SID: Well, you may as well
have some fun.

Meanwhile, the CIA'’s
junior genius

posing as
Willie'’s daughter,

is trying to figure out
where Bavistock and Hicklar

hid the real fusion plans.

WOMAN: In 15 minutes,
we will arrive at Alversford,

where dinner will be served
at historic Heatherton Hall.

Dinner'’s ready, honey.

Or are you going to work
on those papers

from Hicklar'’s
and Bavistock'’s
deposit boxes all night?

Why would you keep
a list of shops in
a safety deposit box?

To remind me
of when I had money.

All in a village
called Naphurst?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

I don'’t know you,
and I don'’t want
to know you.

When you
change your mind,

I'’ll be right there,
darling.

Oh!

Aah! Get away!

I think the agency'’s
made a terrible mistake.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

You! Go away and send in
someone grown up!

Shut up, Sidney.

Take this.

Slip it in your ear
when you meet your
bidders tonight.

I'’ll be able to hear
their questions

and feed you the answers.

I can tell you what to say
if you'’re in trouble.

From this?

You can hear me?
And I can hear you?

That'’s right.

Feel okay?

Exactly
quarter past 8:00.

The coach
is waiting to take you
to Heatherton Hall.

SID: This is when things began
to get really nasty.

Who should turn up
but the man who was
meant to be in jail,

that crooked,
two-timing scientist
Dr. Daniel Hicklar.

Sidney.

Why aren'’t you
in black tie?

Mrs. Metcalfe,
what a strange
coincidence.

Just get changed,
will you?

And get that
accent right.

Sidney...

Good evening.

It'’s Sidney, isn'’t it?

[CHAMBER MUSIC PLAYS]

You know that
list of stores?

I checked their
credit card statements.

They never shopped
at any of them,

but they did stay
at the Roebuck Inn

at the same village.

Where is Sidney?

He'’s supposed
to be running
an auction.

[GAVEL BANGS]

Ladies and gentlemen,
dinner is served.

Will you please
take your seats?

As the seventh
duke of Heatherton,

I welcome
our friends from
across the seas.

I hope you'’ll enjoy
our lovely home

as Queen Elizabeth I
did before you.

You'’ll never guess
who I'’ve got tied up
in my cabin.

Only you would
think about sex
at a time like this.

I'’m not talking
about sex, Gerald.

I'’m going
to the room, Sid.

Is your earpiece in?

Yes.
Sidney?

Go to your table,
Sidney.

I, uh...

Get on with it,
Sidney.

Good evening,
gentlemen.

I use the term...
loosely.

Dr. Hicklar,
your parsnip juice.

We have a note
of your dietary
requirements.

The wolfman
couldn'’t make it, huh?

Cheers.

[COUGHS]

The sale will
take the form...

of a blind auction--
two parts.

My partner,
Sir John Bavistock,

will conduct
the second auction
tomorrow.

What'’s happening?

He'’s talking.

Then he'’s still alive.

Yep.

Okay.

Let'’s have your bids,
fellas.

Dr. Hicklar,

how can we be sure

that your tests have
positively succeeded

in getting
the deuterium to fuse

inside
the palladium lattice?

That'’s a good point.

There is between 60...

and 80% excess
heat production

using our
electrochemical
cell

with tachomags
and lasers.

...is now helping
with inquiries.

The Chinese government

announced today... [STATIC]

involved in
the counterrevolution
was now complete.

Are the Chinese
in on this?

Six naked men
rushed down
to the pitch

at Wembley today...

Dr. Hicklar.

He'’s talking
in code!

Please pickup
Mrs. Frauggaut

and take her to her aunt,
Mrs. J.C. Plant,

at Red Rose cottage.

At 19 Acacia Drive.

Roger.

Roger.

Roger who?

[STATIC]

Well,
come on, guys.

Don'’t just stare.

You want
cheap energy
or don'’t you?

I know things are
cheap out East,

but forget it.

A very fair offer,

and may I add,
that the Islamic Republic
of Iran

has been
grossly misrepresented
in the Western media.

Just get on
with the sale, asshole.

Yep.

Heh.

You win, handsome.

Your government
will bid in
the final auction.

You have your, uh,
nonreturnable deposit?

Yeah, this looks
pretty good.

Anyone ever tell you
you look like
Mel Gibson?

I'’m not surprised.

That'’s him!

Pervert.

Aah!

Your special rice,
Dr. Hicklar.

I'’ll resist it.

I hope
you haven'’t
killed him.

It'’s my twin brother.

He'’s the black sheep
of the family.

I'’ll get him
back in the cab.

[CHOKING]

Those papers
Hicklar and Bavistock
had in the vault--

why a list of shops?

Why telephone numbers?

Why should
Hicklar and Sir John

go to that village
Naphurst?

Let'’s go find out.

My orders
are to stay--

You won'’t become
CIA director

by sitting
on your butt.

Yes, you do.
Uh-uh.

Look here, Hicklar,

let'’s do a deal.

You'’ve got something
worth billions

tucked away
on a computer disk.

Let'’s say, uh,
40% for me

and 10% for Gerald.

That still leaves
50% for you
and your partner.

Of course,
these figures
aren'’t final.

Would you drive us
to Naphurst?

Sorry,
it'’s too far.

Who is it?

It'’s Gerald.
You O.K.?

I'’m fine.
See you tomorrow.

Keep practicing
the accent, Sidney.

We'’ll
pay the extra.

I told you,

we'’ll
pay the extra.

Let'’s go.

Follow that car.

SID: At this point,

Hicklar had me
rather inconvenienced.

Still, I had an idea
how to get free.

Just as well,
seeing that Flo,

who was meant
to protect us,

had gone off with Willie

to look for the real fusion
plans in some village.

We'’ve checked
the whole village

against Hicklar
and Bavistock'’s notes.

All the shops
on their list are here

except one.

It'’s not
in the phone book,
either.

Maybe
the number isn'’t
a phone number.

Do you
believe a bank

in a tiny place
like this?

Do you think they put
a little something
in here,

like the real
fusion plans?

Excuse me, sir.

What time
does the bank open?

Sometimes it does.

Depends on
Mr. Hobbs'’
rheumatism.

Oh, dear.
Better get back
to the train.

Do you suppose

the name of the shop
we couldn'’t find
is a code?

SID: While the girls
were on the trail
of the fusion plans,

who turns up--

without them knowing it,
of course--

but the second man
we most don'’t
want to see--

Sir John Bavistock.

Hold those sheep.

Now smile, Elmie,
it won'’t kill you.

Hello.
You been here long?

Did you ever
see that bank open?

Arrived yesterday.
This is our
first morning out.

Let'’s go.

Come on, Elmer,

let'’s try over here.

Aah!

What did they say?

What?

Tell me, or she
goes in the river.

Tell him,
Elmer!

We will not bow to
terrorist threats.

Ahh!

Hey, fella, at least
let me buy you a drink.

WOMAN: For lunch today,
we shall be visiting

Britain'’s
most famous castle,
Wittingham moat.

I think I'’ll say hello
to your dumb-ass partner

before
the second auction.

[MUFFLED TALKING]

Breathing problem,
Sidney?

We don'’t want you
dead yet.

Hey!

This was getting too much.

Willie and Flo
were running around
the countryside.

Hicklar'’s running around
my compartment.

Have I got news
for Gerald.

Gerald.

I'’ve got to catch him
before he starts
his auction.

[CHATTER]

You'’ll
never believe this.

I don'’t.

Actually
you did quite well
last night, Sidney.

No, not that.

You'’ll have to
forgive me, Sidney.

My buyers are arriving.

I hope
they'’re as ugly
as mine.

He gets all the luck.

Madam,
what a pleasure.

Hello, Sir John.

I must say,
your photograph
doesn'’t do you justice.

I am starving.

Don'’t worry,
Dr. Hicklar.

We have
your order.

We ordered
two kosher
luncheons.

Certainly, sir.

Now if you would
all place your bids
in my hand.

And these cards
represent...

the furthest
you'’re prepared
to go.

And now,
if you'’ll watch closely...

Ha ha ha.

Just my little joke.

Smart ass.

Ha ha ha.

And where
might your card be?

Don'’t do it, Gerald.

Ha ha ha.

You, sir, have made me
an offer I must refuse.

Don'’t take your holidays
in Sicily, my friend.

As you have both bid
100 million,

I'’ll give you
30 seconds each

to improve
your offers.

My sister
would like
a signed photo

of Princess Di.

Would you have her
make it out to Eveshenya?

You win, my dear.

Do you have
your down payment?

They look, uh...

I trust
they'’re genuine?

I have
a jeweler'’s eyeglass
on the train.

Gerald, I have
to talk to you.

Not now, Sidney.
This one'’s for England.

Nice, isn'’t it?

He gets Kim Basinger.

I get Nightmare
on Elm Street.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

It'’s open, darling.

Why don'’t you
take your clothes off,
get in the shower,

and see if you
tell the difference

between this
and soap on a rope?

Easy. Soap on a rope'’s
useful.

This is Hicklar'’s gun.
He'’s on the train.

I tried to tell you
for days.

I don'’t think you
know Dan Hicklar,
darling.

Hello.

It'’s my pleasure.And mine.

It was nearly mine.

Make yourself
comfortable, my dear.

Something'’s come up.

That'’s funny.

Oh, not again.

Hicklar
is on this train.
He'’s escaped!

Have you told
the girls?

Haven'’t
seen them lately,

but we'’re in
deadly danger.

You'’re in
deadly danger.

Bavistock
has not escaped.

You think
you'’re so hard,
don'’t you?

I'’ll let Francesca
be the judge
of that.

[WHISTLE]

Come on.
Come on. Quick.

Are you okay?

Yeah.
We made it.

I'’m in better shape
than you.

What happened?
Your face
reject your nose?

Let'’s go
and get some coffee.

Fine.

I'’ll just
freshen up a bit.

Where have you been?

You know
that list of stores

you took
from Hicklar'’s box?

Yeah,
what about it?

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Where have you been?

Naphurst.
We'’re onto something.

Where'’s Flo?

She'’s having coffee
with...

Sidney!
Sidney!

Willie reckons the shop
that doesn'’t exist

is the bank code--

taking a letter
for a number--

like "A" is one,
"B" is two.

I could kill
for another
cup of coffee.

Yeah, me, too.

Are you all right,
Sidney?

Come here!

Let her go,
Hicklar.

Go fuck yourself, Limey.

Oh, very
Scientific American.

Aah!

Get your hands off me,
you sleazeball.

Once more,
and you'’re dog'’s meat.

Why didn'’t you
shoot him?

Ricochets.

If the agency
lets people escape,

there'’s
usually a reason.

All I wanted
was a comfortable
retirement.

But you had
Hicklar locked up.

So he escaped.
We weren'’t guarding him.

The British loused up.
What else is new?

Don'’t worry.

I'’m coming to your
next railway station
with extra men.

Just hold the fort
till I get there.

The agency'’s
sending more men.

[KNOCK ON DOOR]

Will you be wanting
any tea, gentlemen?

Hot.

[GASPS]

What did they say?

May I join you?

Don'’t you find me
strangely attractive?

Deep-sea fishermen
throw back
better-looking fish.

Oh.

But luckily for you,

I'’m a nymphomaniac.

Mm-hmm.

You'’d think
that with all
this classy luggage,

they'’d heat the place,
wouldn'’t you?

I can'’t remember
when I'’ve been
so cold.

What about
that cabin in Aspen
when we were trapped?

Okay, Willie,
what'’s going on?

We figure that we know
where the real plans are.

We just need one of you
to phone the bank

and tell them
your daughter'’s
coming to pick them up.

Screw the plans.

I thought you
and CIA Junior
had only just met.

What'’s with
this Aspen experience?

I'’ll rent a car
for us.

Okay.

I'’ve been meaning
to tell you.

Well, we'’re waiting.

Flo really is
my daughter.

What?
What?

How old is she?

22.

So that means
she was born in 19...

68.

The summer of
peace and love

when we lived
together.

Why didn'’t you
tell me I had a kid?

How could you?

With him?

I was young...
and I was in love.

Who with...

the most?

I'’m not sure.

[CABIN DOOR OPENS]

I fixed a car for us,
Willie.

If Sidney calls
the bank as Hicklar,
we can get inside.

It'’s the moment of truth.

You can say
that again.

SID: Blimey,
I started out a thief,

then I became a secret agent,

now I might be a father.

Nice-looking girl, too.

WOMAN: We shall soon be arriving
at Medstead.

May we please ask
all passengers

not to leave the train?

We apologize
for this inconvenience.

Please stay on the train.

Thank you, sir.
Have a nice day.

Mr. Hobbs at the bank

is looking forward
to meeting Mrs. Hicklar

and her lovely daughter.

Here are your
authentically signed letters
of authorization.

You'’re CIA, too,
aren'’t you, Willie?

You suckered us
into this.

I'’m just doing
what any mother would--

helping her daughter
get ahead in work.

WOMAN: This is Medstead.

Would guests please remain
on the train?

Here, just a minute.
I'’m Sidney Lipton.

Hicklar'’s in
the guard'’s van.

He'’s holding
the others hostage.

Good work, Sidney.
Let'’s go get him.

This is it,
Hicklar.

CIA.

Hang on, mate.

I'’m Sidney Lipton.

Why don'’t you admit
you screwed up?

Against
company policy.

[GROANING]

Open up!

I want you
out of there now.

You two, get back.
Come on, men.

Open it.

I meant open it.

I didn'’t mean...
aw, forget it.

WOMAN: Oh,
it was wonderful.

I felt the earth move.

Well, Mr. Hyde,

it was nice
knowing you.

And if you'’re
ever in London,
please ignore us.

You still got to carry out
the final auction
in Scotland.

You'’re kidding.

Oh, look on it
as a small step
for mankind.

And, uh,
a lot of cash
for us?

Like the jewels
we collected
at the dinners.

Keep them.

You know, Sidney,
we do have
a patriotic duty.

The two
successful bidders

will be attending
with their controllers.

We'’ll tell you
the exact location

when you get
to Scotland.

I'’ve got 100 men there.
You'’ll be totally safe.

Have you ever driven
a Jaguar before?

Sure.

[TIRES SCREECH]

What did they say?

Why, Sir john.

Why not,
Francesca?

We never did, uh...

I was so
looking forward

to examining
your rubies.

I'’ll be with you
in a second.

Allow me, sir.

Uh, thank you.

I'’ve heard of
losing your head
over a woman,

but this?

It was working fine.

GERALD: Sidney?

There'’s
a dead steward
in my room.

Aah!

You'’ve got one,
too.

Bavistock
must have escaped.

We could phone
the science museum
and leave a message.

Excuse me, I have
to call the police.

There'’s two dead bodies
on board.

Make that
three dead bodies.

Let'’s go
where there'’s
lots of people.

The morgue?

No.
The dining car.

SID: Just as
we thought it safe

to go back
in the dining car,

who turns up
in the kitchen?
Sir John Bavistock.

An honor to have
the Michelin Guide
inspector visit.

Yes, yes, it must be.

Now, what is your
piece de résistance
for çe soir?

Lobster
and caviar saffron

on white
truffle sauce.

Wonderful.
Wonderful indeed.

Your homard aux caviar
et truffles blancs.

Thank you.

And for you,
Dr. Hicklar,

cauliflower.

I can'’t do it.

I can'’t keep eating
innocent vegetables.

I'’ll take the lobster.

Alas, it is
all finished.

Everyone except
you and Rabbi Blum
ordered it.

Here, have
a forkful of mine.

Ha ha ha!

How bloody juvenile
can you get?

So, which one'’s my dad?

What?

In CIA terms, Mom,

which one did
you go undercover with?

[MAN BELCHES]

[BELCHING, GAGGING]

We'’re going
to sue over this,
you know.

I don'’t blame you.

You'’ll lose
your home,
your wife...

Good evening,
gentlemen.

How clever of you,
Sidney,

not to take
my poison.

I tried,
but they ran out.

No matter.

You can drag
your friend out
for me.

I don'’t believe this.

Hey, waiter.

We'’ve been waiting an hour
for two kosher lox
and pudding.

Do you mind?
There are sick people
on this train.

Read what it says
about shellfish in
the Old Testament.

You know
what lobsters eat?

Hey, fella.
This is my silver
wedding anniversary.

$5,000 we paid
for this trip.

Don'’t you ignore me.

Shut up,

you stupid
old man.

I was in the Israeli
commandos for 10 years.

I don'’t have to put up
with this shit from waiters,

and if you think
you'’re getting a tip,

forget it!

WOMAN: Welcome to Inveraray.

For those guests still
suffering discomfort,

good medical help
is available.

Well done, men.

You totally
useless moron.

You know what happened
on there?

Just let me
die quietly.

Good luck and goodbye.

This looks very nice.

Follow me, gentlemen.

You'’ll feel better
in here, Gerald.

Hello, chaps.

Sorry about your bit
of trouble.

Agents Mccloskey
and O'’Malley.

Don'’t worry.
You'’re under 24-hour
surveillance.

You had Hicklar
under 24-hour
surveillance,

you had Bavistock
under 24-hour
surveillance.

You couldn'’t keep your dick
under 24-hour surveillance.

For security reasons,
you better stay
in the hotel tonight.

Oh. And I was
going dancing.

Tomorrow at 3:00,
you'’ll conduct
the final auction.

It'’s in an unused wing
of the castle.

Those are the details.

Agent Quinn,
you take the back
of the castle.

Good luck.

Nice here, isn'’t it?

I need some air.

I bet there'’s
a lovely view.

Some of these castles
have fallen to bits,
you know.

They'’re not safe,
none of them.

[OVER RADIO]
You see them?

They'’ve just come onto the balcony.

Are you still with them?

They seem fine.

Well, at least the
CIA'’s on the job.

The castle
will hold up
tonight.

Don'’t worry, Sidney.

Aah!

What was that?

Good disguise,
Agent Morrow.

I can'’t believe
those two bums
are still alive.

Maybe we
underestimated them.

Well,
they won'’t make it
through tomorrow.

Hope not, old chap.

SID: Did you hear that?
They want Gerald and me dead.

You'’re not
at your post.

Toilet, sir.
Kind of difficult.

Stand your ground,
Agent Fishbone.

Rust for the agency.

SID: That'’s what happens
when you cooperate

with the security
services.

This is a major
double cross.

Comfortable,
Sir John?

SID: Comfortable? Who cares
if he'’s comfortable?

He'’s a crook.

You'’re off-duty
now, Carston.

SID: Now they'’re deliberately
letting Bavistock go.

If we had known
all about this,

Gerald and me
would'’ve quit,

diamonds or no diamonds.

As it turned out,

it was just as well
we stayed.

[BUGLE BLOWS]

I hope the bank'’s open
this time.

[DOGS YELPING]

[DOORBELL RINGS]

It'’s 10:00.
How could it be closed?

We have to get
into the bank.

It'’s a matter
of life and death.

Do you know
where the manager is?

Mr. Hobbs
be over there.

Sir. It will only take
a minute.

I'’m Mrs. Hicklar,

and this is
my daughter Florence.

[BUGLE BLOWS]

It'’ll be quicker
to walk.

[HORN HONKS]

Sir John was here
last Wednesday.

We were closed.
He'’s been phoning me.

He never stops.

What did he want?

[SQUEAKING]

Your husband'’s
depository, madam.

[DOORBELL RINGS]
Mr. Hobbs,
are you open?

Open for one
special customer,

all of a sudden
there'’s a rush.

If the telephone
number

of the
nonexistent shop
is the combination,

it'’s 136 clockwise.

34 counterclockwise.

12 clockwise.

Try 136
counterclockwise.

[TIRES SCREECH]

It'’s Hicklar.

How do you know?

The CIA trains us
in shoe recognition.

That'’s it.

We found it.

We'’ve got it.

[GUNSHOTS]

Where are the plans?

Well,
the safe was empty.

See for yourself.

HICKLAR:
I don'’t have a wife.

What did they say?

Follow that car!

Ladies and gentlemen,
100,000 welcomes

to this the Inveraray
highland gathering.

This is
a real traditional
Scottish spectacle,

that'’s entertaining...

I'’ll have the large,
well-done T-bone steak.

Uh, 16-ounce, yeah.

Double fried potatoes.

And double mushrooms.

And a couple
of good bottles of red wine.

Sure you don'’t
want anything?

Make up for that birdseed
I had on the train.

Thank you.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

Agent Fleming.

Where the hell
were you?

Darryl, you won'’t
believe the luck--

You abandoned
your post.

Three people died,
68 were poisoned.

But I'’ve got--

Get up
to those dumb con men
and hold their hands.

You better shape up,
Miss Fleming.

Your future
in the agency
depends on it.

[BAGPIPE OFF-KEY]

All right, Agent Quinn.
Give it a rest.

[KNOCKING]

SIDNEY: Gerald,
will you get that?

It'’ll be my lunch.

I'’m trying to get
this skirt on!

Ha. You look ridiculous.

Orders from those idiots
in the security service.

They want us to look
part of the action.

Guess what.

Bavistock
escaped?

These are the real
fusion plans.

[KNOCK AT DOOR]

Ah, at last.
That'’s my lunch.

Oh, this looks
very nice.

Now, for some
real food.

[TICKING]

Haggis.

I ordered steak.

Where'’s the clock?

Everybody down!

SID: We got the message.
They want to kill us.

MAN: Come on,
it'’s in their room!

What'’s happened?

I think
we should change
caterers.

They'’re saving
on staff.

He looks better
than I feel.

They'’re on their way.

Hey, good luck, guys.

You look terrific.

I don'’t know what
I'’m more worried about,

being gunned down
or updrafted.

If we had any sense,
we'’d go straight
to the airport.

Agency wouldn'’t
like that, fellas.

Aah! You just
do your job!

Do our job?

We should never
have joined, Gerald.

Where are Bavistock
and Hicklar?

That'’s what I want
to know.

I think
it must be in here.

They'’re just entering
sector six.

Over and out.

Up the stairs,
third on the left.

Just like home.

Well, let'’s get it
over with.

Where are they, then?

Good night, Sidney.

Let'’s get on with it.

The down payment.

If we could now have
your final bids.

To you, sir,

at $150 million.

When we receive
the rest of the money,

we'’ll tell you
where the plans are.

When I receive
the plans,

I'’ll tell you
where the money is.

Forget it.

Look,
you bring the money,

and I'’ll bring
the plans.

I have a better idea.

Here, what'’s this about?

You'’ll never get away
with it, Sidney!

Sidney?
Sidney?
Sidney?

I think he will
get away with it.

Don'’t you, Dan?

I'’ll have my rubies,
please.

Don'’t worry, shrimp.

The plans are
in the village bank.

Tomorrow,
you will receive details

on how to retrieve them.

Come on, John.
Get a move on.

Back up!

Come on, Gerald.

Heh. Heh.
The jewels.

We must get the jewels.

Sidney! This is not
a darts match.

There'’s $130 million worth
of diamonds down there.

We can'’t let those
two scientists
pinch our diamonds.

Run!

Where do you think
they'’ve gone, Gerald?

You guys
just came out.

Which way did we go?

I think we just blew it.

They'’re
on the run, sir.

Aah! Help!

Come on, men.
Let'’s go.

At least let me
buy you a drink, fella!

Those limeys
are after us.

We'’ll shake them off,
Dan.

There they are, Sidney.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Come on, Sidney.
Stop clowning.

Come on. We can go
to the roof here.

Great idea, Sir John.

Sidney,
they'’ll be down here.

Isn'’t that
your girlfriend, Gerald?

We'’ve lost them,
Gerald.

What'’s more,
we'’ve lost our diamonds.

I'’m telling you, Elmer,

the romance is going out
of our marriage.

Guess that'’s one
of the compensations
of old age.

GERALD: Gesundheit.

HICKLAR:
You missed, you idiot.

SIDNEY:
That was meant for us.

Hey, guys!
Buy you a drink?

Let'’s split up.

I'’ll go this way.

WOMAN: I'’ve always
wanted a farm.

Oh, me, too.
I love pigs.

Ha ha. It figures.

You!

You!

Got you.

He went down there.

We'’re not falling
for that old trick.

For heaven'’s sake.

I'’ll show you.

[BIRD SQUEAKS, FLAPS]

Could Hicklar do that?

Why should he?
He'’s a vegetarian.

I almost caught Hicklar.

Yeah, I think
they'’re in there.

[BAGPIPES PLAYING]

SIR JOHN: Keep going, Dan.
I think we'’ve lost them.

There they are.

They'’re onto us.

[CROWD LAUGHS]

Sidney.

SIDNEY: We looked
so much like them,

and they looked
so much like us,

even I had trouble knowing
who I was.

There go Bavistock
and Hicklar.

And here come Gerald and me,
trying to catch up.

We'’ll never find them
in all this, Gerald.

Keep looking, Sid.

MAN: 1, 2, 3,up and over,
the caber goes.

Aah!

Oh, dear.

Yeah!

We'’re going, Jolene.

Just let me
check the map.

What good is that?

You told me
this was London.

I never was much good
at running.

Bavistock and Hicklar
kept quite
a few steps ahead.

SIDNEY:
What are they fighting about?

They'’re crazy, these Scots.

Aah!

Oh, come on, Sidney.
Stop messing around.

[CLAMORING]

Gor blimey,
they'’re all mad,
Gerald.

We'’ve lost them, Sid.

There they are!

Come on, Dan,
they'’re catching up.

MAN: He has a distance of 9 feet
in which to whirl.

He'’s whirling there,
round, round,

and round, and--oh!

He threw it right over
the crowd there.

Uhh! Ohh!

Hey, fella!

Can I keep this
as a souvenir?

Do you see
what I see, Daniel?

Transport.
A ticket to Switzerland.

Get out!

Yeah! Out!

Terrific.
We got it.

Hey, you!
That'’s my car!

Hey, come back!

Come back here!
That'’s my car!

Come on.

They'’re not going
to get away with
our jewels, Gerald.

Put your arms around me.

Just don'’t get
any funny ideas, Sidney.

Are you sure
you can drive
this thing?

What?

GERALD: Waah!

Be careful.

Come on, Flo.

Thank you.

Come on,
let'’s get one

from the top
of the bell tower.

It doesn'’t look
like Switzerland to me.

I shouldn'’t have
listened to you.
You'’re a foreigner.

I should'’ve turned
right back there.

Aah!

Aah!

Sidney!

Watch what
you'’re doing!

I can'’t see!

[HORN HONKS]

Aah!

Get it off!

Excuse me, sir.

Could you tell us,
is this the way
to London?

Is that '’round here?

I went to London
50 years ago.

It'’s that way.

Morons.

[HORN HONKS]

Not up here, Sidney!

[ALL YELLING]

Let'’s go, Harry.

We don'’t want to have
to make statements

to the police about that.

Are you okay?

What happened?

We'’re okay.

A thousand
to one chance.

Run for it!

HICKLAR:
Okay. Back off,
you assholes!

I must tell you
my friend...

is a black belt master
of seven oriental
killing arts.

You two...

disappear.

Bullseye.

Do you know who I am?

He'’s a moron.
I should'’ve never
listened to him.

This must be a first
for you, Gerald.

What must?

The first job
you ever did

where you didn'’t
cross your partner.

Must be losing
my touch.

BAVISTOCK:
I was knighted
by the queen.

Here'’s your reward,
boys.

[NASALLY] I suppose
you think you'’re clever.

Tickets.
Get you back
to London.

And what about
our diamonds?

There'’s
a problem.

Problem?
Problem?
Problem?

We checked.

The diamonds
from the last auction
were fake.

Uh, those are
your diamonds.

You promised us
the ones we nicked
from the deposit boxes.

I'’m afraid we have
to keep those.

Expensive operation.

Still we guarantee you
immunity from prosecution.

You can keep the kilts.

Okay, Agent Fleming.

Come on,
we'’re pulling out
of here.

The boat'’s waiting.

Sorry, Mom.

See you soon.

We'’ve still got
one hell of a problem.

Darryl!

We got two scientists
we dare not put on trial

because the publicity
would make us
look like idiots.

And two
unimportant con men
meant to be killed

so that we could bury them
as Bavistock and Hicklar.

So we can dispose of
the two real scientists
quietly,

after
the glorious tributes

at their funeral
have died down.

You trying
to say something,
Miss Fleming?

Nothing.

I, uh,
forgot something.

See you later.

Forget her.

We don'’t need her anymore.

SIDNEY: Those are not
nice people.

All we had
was a ticket home.

Things could only get better.

And they did.

Here.

I'’ve had it
with the agency.

She'’s offering you
the real plans.

Sir John,

I think we can make
a buck or two after all.

SIDNEY: At last,
luck had come our way.

We had the real fusion plans.

Being patriotic, the first
people we offered them to

was the British government.

They agreed to cough up

all the diamonds
they said we could keep,

plus a whole lot more.

Mind you, they weren'’t
too happy about it.

I hope you'’re not
anticipating

speedy promotion,
Holden.

Quite frankly,
this is the worst fuck up

I'’ve seen in my 43 years
in the service.

Ahem.

Your wig'’s holding up
well, then, Gerald.

They'’re here, sir.

GERALD: So it should.

Young ladies
seem to like it.

Young ladies?
I never saw you
with them.

As agreed
for your services
to the nation,

Mr. Lipton
and Mr. Bradley-Scott.

£10 million worth,
I assure you.

Worth a try, sir.

We'’ve done it!

Great!

Bullseye!

You see?

It runs in the family!

Daddy!

My daughter.

Funny.

You look just like me.

I could'’ve sworn
she was my daughter.

SIDNEY: After all that,

Flo went to live in New Mexico.

She makes jewelry.

Willie married a senator
from the Midwest.

Gerald and me,
we ended up in Barbados.

Bavistock and Hicklar
got what they deserved.

They went to jail.

And three years later,

the fusion plant,
based on their plans,

was ready
for its official opening.

Today great Britain
reveals to the world

the first full-scale
nuclear fusion
power facility.

And in a few seconds,
the prime minister

will usher in a new era

of cheap, clean energy.

Sidney!

John, can you do
a Cockney accent?

Why?

Well,
you could play me!

What happened to me
and my mate Gerald,

it'’d make
a great movie.

Sidney, we'’re on!

He'’s calling you.

Stay there!
I'’ll be back
in a minute.

Oh, Sally...

Come on!

What'’s the area code?

371.

371. 371.

Ah.

...forward to the 21st century.

I have the greatest
pleasure in declaring...

Didn'’t even mention
our names.

International cooperation.

Oh, dear.

So I needed
a couple more weeks.

No, I'’m sorry.
You can'’t have
your money back.

We'’ve spent it.

SIDNEY: They say everyone in the world has someone somewhere

who looks just like they do.

It was my bad luck that
I met a man on the beach
in Barbados

who looked just like
that movie star John Cleese.

We gave him the cash
to make a film of our story.

He turned out to be a con man

who ran off with
all of our money!

GERALD: Just shows
you can'’t trust anyone.

SIDNEY:
I trusted you.

GERALD: And I got you
the money.

You went and lost it.

SIDNEY: You got it?

You were
stealing luggage
from outside hotels!

GERALD: Sidney,
we are broke.

SIDNEY: So?

We'’ve been
broke before.

CHINESE SPY:
What did they say?