Brotherly Love (2017) - full transcript

(glass shattering)

(retching)

- Real classy, princess.

- You're my best friend, Tim.

Instead of making fun of me,

shouldn't you be holding back my hair or something?

- No Vito, best friends are supposed to watch

and get every detail so they can tell everyone at brunch

what a mess you were.

- Gosh, and to think I puked in front

of such a fine establishment such as this.



- Do you wanna go in?

Oh, come on, it'll be fun.

- No way am I going in there!

- Stop being such a pansy.

Now whatever you do, do not make me laugh

because they're like so hardcore in there.

- I'd rather not go in.

I'm not feeling well.

If I puke again, I don't want it to be on a blow up doll.

- Are you gonna be okay out here?

- I'm more worried about you.

You might walk out of there with crabs.

- God, it's been a long time since you've gotten laid.

Crabs are so 1992.



And if while I'm in there, Jesus comes back,

please come and get me because I do not want

to spend the rapture sitting next to some

14 inch dildo named Evan.

- Hey.

- Hey.

- What are you up to?

- Just heading home from the bars.

You?

- I'm just chilling.

You wanna get in?

- I can't.

- What, are you married?

- Kind of.

- So am I.

I won't tell anybody.

- I want to.

You're really hot.

- Yeah I think you're pretty hot too.

(zipping)

Yeah I bet your mouth'd feel real good on this.

- I can't.

- Come on man, it'll be our little secret.

Look man, just between us.

- Hey twinkletoes, you ready?!

- Um, yeah, uh yeah.

I was just talking to a friend.

- Oh, where have you been hiding this hotty?

You need to introduce me.

- He's married.

- So what, I'm not looking for a ring at four a.m.

- I really don't feel well.

I think I'm gonna puke again.

Can we just go home?

- No way.

He's hot.

Besides, inside was a total bust.

Guys in there makes Steve Buscemi look like a Chippendale.

- Walk me home, Clairee.

- You know I can never say no to you

when you quote Steel Magnolias to me.

Ugh, come on Ouisa.

(solemn music)

(knocking)

- Housekeeping.

(knocking)

Vito, you awake?

- Uh, yeah.

- Well, are you coming with us to mass

or should I just tell God you're taking a personal day?

- Uh, just a minute!

- Are you sewing the clothes yourself?

- Go wait in the car, I'll be right there.

- He's coming.

- Morning, sunshine!

- Oh, hey, sorry guys.

Guess I forgot to set my alarm.

- And you were out cold.

I had to pound on the door to get a response out of you.

- Rough night last night, Brother Vito?

- Just hung out with Tim.

Nothing too exciting.

(car starting)

- Hey Vito.

You got a minute?

- Sure, I've been putting off lesson plans all weekend,

what's one more minute?

- Now, Vito.

I want you to hear this as coming not just

from your director but also as a brother and a friend.

I'm concerned about you and the late hours

you've been keeping.

- Late hours, Mike?

I'm in bed by 11 o'clock at the latest.

Is this because of last night?

- No, it's not just about last night.

It just seems like every time you go out with your friends,

you stumble through the door when some of us

are waking up.

What would one of our parishioners think

if they saw you coming home at the crack of dawn?

- They should be wondering why they have nothing

better to do with their lives

than look at our house at four a.m.

Look Mike, the places my friends and I like to go to

don't even get started until after midnight.

Besides, between grad school and volunteering and teaching,

I get to see him twice a month at best.

All through training, novitiates told us

we're supposed to maintain our

outside relationships, remember?

- Yeah, the healthy ones.

(sighing)

Remember your training.

We are to be in this world but not of this world.

- Yeah, easier said than done.

- It's not supposed to be easy, Vito.

- I realize that but I mean,

this isn't because my friends and I are gay, isn't it?

I mean I thought everybody was okay with that.

- We are.

- Okay.

Okay, I just wanted to check.

I mean I really appreciate that.

I know it's not like that everywhere else.

I just don't want you to think I'm taking it for granted.

- You're welcome.

Besides, it's not like we're out having sex, anyway.

Be honest with me.

Going out to these bars, gay or straight till four a.m.

cannot be very nurturing to your vocation.

- Well being out of bounds isn't nurturing either.

We all need to let loose and have fun

every once in a while.

- I didn't say you couldn't have fun.

I am asking you to make better choices.

- Look, Mike, things are different now.

I mean Brian and Steve and I,

we had credit cards, apartments, bank accounts, sex.

We were out in the world and then joined.

You joined right out of high school.

(knocking)

- [Steve] Vito, pizza is here.

- The bottom line is, I support you and your training

even if I haven't had the same life experiences as you.

And despite what you may think,

I still have your best interests at heart.

Just consider what I said.

- [Steve] Hey, I already ate one piece.

If you wait any longer, you're not gonna have any left.

- Look, I better go.

You know how he gets when he gets hungry,

like a hoover. (slurping)

- Vito!

- I know.

Thank you, Mike.

I'll pray on it.

- Get some rest.

You look awful.

- Hey now.

You just wish you could look this good with no sleep.

(chuckling)

- You might wanna order another one.

But next time, no anchovies.

(sighing)

- What shall I wear for my date tomorrow night?

Hmm.

Too slutty?

- Is there such a thing as too slutty with you?

- Hmm, no.

Actually, maybe I'll save this for the white party.

- Um, I don't think I'm gonna go

to the white party this year.

- What, why not?

You have to go, I've already bought

your ticket and everything!

- I know, I know, I'm sorry.

- But we go together every year!

Besides, if you don't go, who else am I gonna ditch

to make out with some random guy

I won't remember the next day?

- Well god, you sure do know how to make

a girl feel special.

- Ugh!

- No, besides, the only white thing that I own

is my underwear.

- Ooh, those ragged old things.

Ooh, honey, those things have got more skid marks

than the Indy 500.

I'll get you a new pair and you'll be good to go.

- I am not walking into a club wearing my underwear.

- You don't walk into the club in your underwear.

You check your pants at the door.

Okay, okay.

I have some pants for you.

They're way too big on me.

But I'm sure they'll fit you just fine.

A little tight around the hips.

Now let's find you a shirt.

Ah, D and G, Armani, Versace.

- Fruit of the Loom.

- Of course you would pick the cheapest thing in here.

- No, honey, you're the cheapest thing in here.

- Okay.

Well I can't go into the bar with you

looking like you just walked out of Walmart

on the way to a pie eating contest.

Give me that.

- I'm wearing it!

- Just give me it!

- Seriously?

I cannot believe, ugh.

- Ugh, see if I can spruce it up a bit.

- I cannot believe you talked me into this.

I look about ready to announce Jesus' birth.

- Oh shut up.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

Everyone is staring at me, Tim.

- They're staring at you because you're hot.

- A hot mess.

I'm a hot, feathered, flashing, sequined mess.

- Look here, missy.

Do you know how many craft stores

I had to go to to find the right colored sequins for these?

One more store and they were gonna give me

an honorary pair of mom jeans.

And need I remind you that I also had to go

to one of your dollar store pick and save places

and scrounge through their bargain bin

while battling with some buck toothed hillbilly

named Cletus, just to get one of these tacky ass shirts

just so you and I can match tonight.

You should be grateful!

- Grateful?

I don't even wanna be here.

You made me come.

I should be at home grading papers.

- Vito?

- Hey, Brent!

- I love the wings.

- Thanks, they're Tim's doing.

- That's not all Tim's doing.

- Usually he waits until we get inside

before he ditches me for some hottie.

This is a new record.

- I'll call Guinness.

I'll see you inside.

- Mmm, bye hon.

Hey, sluticia!

Can you at least keep me company

before we go inside?

- You know if I knew you were gonna cockblock me,

I would have just come by myself.

- You keep forgetting that I didn't wanna be here.

You made me come, you said!

- Free cuts to hotties.

- Thanks mate.

- Who says Americans aren't friendly?

- Oh my god.

Are you boys Aussies?

- Yeah mate.

I'm Jack, he's Eli.

- Yeah, we're here on holiday.

- Well, this is your lucky day, Jack and Eli

because my name is Tim and I just so happen to be

the welcoming ambassador for foreign tourists.

And I'm supposed to greet each of you with a kiss.

- I'm Canadian.

(laughing)

- Now about that kiss.

- Oh god.

- Hey, it's just a kiss.

If we were in Hawaii, they'd be getting laid by now.

Not that that's a bad thing.

Now let me welcome you to America.

- What about your boyfriend?

- Hah, she's not my boyfriend.

- Oh.

Well in that case.

- [Tim] Watch it.

Oh fucker, you asshole.

(knocking)

(gasping)

- Vito.

(slapping)

Where have you been?

You haven't been by in months.

- I know, I'm sorry

- No matter, you're here now.

Come on in, have a seat.

Are you hungry, dear?

- Oh gosh, no, I'm good.

Thank you though.

- I've got chocolate, I've got chips, I've got cookies.

Oh, I got your favorite fruity chewy things.

- I'm good, thank you.

- Well, something to drink?

I made sweet tea, your favorite.

- Oh, you know me so well.

Actually I just had two glasses with lunch.

- Oh well then I'm cutting you off.

Everyone know you have the world's smallest bladder

and I don't want anything interrupting

talking to my favorite brother.

- Thanks for seeing me on such short notice, Sister Peggy.

- Ah?

- Sorry, Peggy.

- Okay, I told you, no need to be so formal.

I'm your spiritual director, not the pope. (chuckling)

So how's school going?

Are the kids all antsy for summer vacation?

- What does the bible say about putting vodka

in your water bottles?

Well, my senior religion class has been difficult.

We started this ask Brother Vito day on Fridays

and it seems to be going pretty well.

They just put questions in a box

and I pull them out and answer them.

- That's wonderful, Vito.

That's so great for the kids.

You are a good role model.

- I don't feel like it.

I feel like a hypocrite.

- You do, why is that?

- Well they think that we're these repressed

asexual unhappy people.

And I try to tell them what a full

and happy life that we lead.

But I feel like those are the very same things

that god wants me to give up.

But I like going to bars and I like dancing with guys

and I like staying out late with my friends.

But I have to give up all that now

because I'm gonna be a Brother though.

Right?

- Vito.

God didn't send Jesus to die

so you could mope around the house all day long.

He wants you to enjoy your life.

When Jesus asked the disciples to deny themselves,

he wasn't asking them to be miserable.

Have you thought about taking a vacation?

- (laughing) Yeah, right.

On a brother's salary, I can barely afford McDonalds.

- Well, I think it would be a good idea

for you to get away for a while.

Give you a chance to clear your head.

Your mind may be too cluttered.

- You think?

- Either that, or you're hiding too much vodka

in that water bottle of yours.

You know, I have a friend, Brother Edmond

who runs an Aids care house in Austin.

And he mentioned to me that he needed

some help this summer because one of the brothers there

is going on a sabbatical.

If you want, I could make a call.

You could spend the summer in Austin,

clear your head, and help people at the same time.

- Do you really think he'd pay for me

to fly out to Austin?

- Oh of course.

The church is loaded.

After all, they save so much money on salaries.

But my cousin Eddie lives in Bastrop

which is just outside of Austin

and he's visiting here.

And he'll be driving back around he same time

you would need to leave.

You could hitch a ride with him

and Edmond can send someone to get you there.

You can spend the summer in Austin

and clear your head at the same time.

- Sounds good.

But why does he drive all that way?

- Oh, Eddie drives back and forth all the time.

He is deathly afraid of the patdowns.

I don't get it.

Maybe it's because I'm a nun.

It's the only excitement I ever get. (laughing)

- Mmm.

Dinner served by a hot Italian boy?

What more could a girl want for a birthday?

- A meal fit for a queen.

And save room, Cleopatra.

I hired a couple of hot gogo boys

to feed you strawberries in bed.

- Don't lie, because we all know all you can afford

is Tito Jackson.

Mmm, this looks delicious.

So, Brother Vito.

What have you been up to since the white party?

- Oh, so you knew I was there.

I'm shocked.

You seemed so enamored with the Hardy boys.

- Easy there, Nancy Drew.

I mean they came all the way from Australia.

I just wanted to give them a good impression of America.

- So that impression of America includes

an up close and personal view of your tongue.

- Um a good one does.

Excellent job on the pasta, by the way.

- Thank you.

- So?

What have you been up to?

- Just finishing up the school year.

I saw sister Peggy yesterday.

- Oh, how is the old muff diver?

- Tim!

She's not a lesbian.

- Oh please, she's like the original lesbian.

She probably banged Zaffo.

- Anyway.

No, we just had a nice chat.

I was telling her I was having a hard time lately.

- Mhmm, and?

- And she was telling me that god

wants me to enjoy my life.

- Well she's right.

I mean God is trying to tell you something, Vito.

He's trying to tell you this life isn't for you.

Look, you tried it out and it just didn't work out.

It's like Cher's infomercial career.

So get out now while you're still young and cute enough

to get someone hot.

Look.

I am only telling you this because I love you.

But time has not been your friend.

- It's not that easy, Tim.

Besides, there's a lot to being a Brother that I like.

- Such as?

- Well I love to teach.

- You can still teach if you leave.

What else you got?

- Look, it's just that I feel like God

is calling me to this life, okay?

- Okay, explain this calling.

I never got that.

Did you have a weird dream or something?

I mean it could have been gas.

- No.

No, it's just that, you know,

we live in a society that values money, sex and power.

So by my vow in poverty, chastity and obedience,

I'm kind of living life counter culturally,

you know what I mean?

I'm showing everybody that you don't need

all that stuff to be happy.

- I'm not choosing to live my life that way.

Are you calling me shallow?

Okay, bad question.

- It's just that everything I've seen

since I've been out makes me want something more.

I don't want to be 40 and cruising the bars.

I don't want to have to keep up

with the latest fashion trends.

- Clearly.

- Look, I wanna do something important with my life.

Being a brother does that.

- So you're saying that I'm not doing something

important with my life.

That I should just end my life now

so at least I'll what, make a good looking corpse?

- I never said that.

- Look, this whole sacrifice what you love

for the religion thing sounds like a cult.

- It's not a cult.

I'm not living in a commune in the desert somewhere

following some bearded guy

in a flower shirt named Buttercup.

- Actually, you just described half the population

of Palm Springs.

Do you not remember that movie we rented,

Ticket to Heaven?

- How can I forget?

You kept pausing it 'cause you were convinced

you can see Nick Mancuso's dick picking out

of his boxers?

- Mancuso played a teacher who gets brainwashed

by a religious cult.

They make him give up everything for their cause

so he cuts himself off from everyone in his former life

including his friends.

You're being brainwashed just like he was!

- Brainwashed?

I am not being brainwashed.

Nobody makes me do anything.

I make my own decisions.

- I just think it's ironic that you talk about money and sex

not leading to happiness.

Yet, since you've joined the Brothers,

you've never been more pissy.

I bet Shelley Long feels better about her career choices

than you do.

In fact the only time I see you happy

is when we're out at the bars dancing.

Doesn't that tell you something?!

(sighing)

Bottom line, Vito, I love you.

And I want you to be happy.

And I hate seeing you go through all of this shit.

It just doesn't seem worth it to me.

- Look.

I'm sorry I brought this up.

This is your birthday dinner.

Today's supposed to be all about you.

So let's just change the subject, okay?

- Deal.

So did you see that new hot guy Tony's dating?

Mmm, awesome body.

But I hear he's uncut.

I'm sorry.

Turtlenecks belong here, not here.

- You're uncut.

- Yeah.

I also have a cat.

It doesn't mean I want to have sex with that either.

Meow, meow.

Meow, meow, meow! (laughing)

(energetic electronic music)

(beeping)

Hail Mary, I come bearing gifts

of gold, frankincense, and porn!

- God, could you be any louder?

Are you drunk?

- It's not being drunk if it's before two p.m.

- You're right, before two p.m.

It's called being an alcoholic.

- If I wanted this abuse, I could have visited my mother.

- Sorry.

- So anyways, I went to brunch today with Tony

and the new boyfriend.

You know, the one with the,

Well, on my way home, I stopped by the newsstand.

Lo and behold, it's the new Stud magazine.

It's got those new pics of Dean Morehouse giving head.

He swore he never would because he's straight, remember?

Well from what I can tell, he deep throats like a champ.

Not bad for a breeder, huh?

- Well don't ask me.

I haven't blown a guy in, oh.

- Who?

Oh yeah.

That's Doug Fallon.

Big beefy beast, huh?

I could bury my face in that chest for hours.

Are you okay?

You look like you've seen a ghost

or an Olsen twin or something.

- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.

I just saw him at the locker room the other day

when I went to the gym.

- Oh my god, you saw Doug Fallon in person?

Was he naked?

He was naked, right.

Please tell me he was naked.

- Yeah, he was naked.

- Oh my god, you saw Doug Fallon naked.

Was he hot?

- Yeah he was hot.

- Then why the long face, Leno?

It's not like you did anything with him.

Oh my god.

You did, what did you do?

And I want every detail because the closest

I've gotten to sleeping with a pornstar

is passing out in front of Jeff Sharko's maid's house.

- It was nothing.

It was just.

- You jerked him off. - No.

- He jerked you off. - No.

- You jerked off at the same time.

That's it?

That's all you did?

God, I thought you got a real story or something.

- Tim, I've been training to be a brother for three years.

I am so close.

- Hey, then go to confession, say you're sorry

and you're in the clear.

(sighing) I wonder how many Our Fathers you have to say

for jacking off in front of a porn star?

- Did you need something?

I have a lot to do before I go to Austin.

- Okay, Mary Magdalene.

Oh, did you wanna keep this?

Oh yeah, that's right.

You've already seen the live show

Well I'll just slip it underneath Brian

or Steve's door on the way out.

- Don't you dare!

- Oh please.

You know they're big old queens just dying to come out.

I also got a gossip mag too.

I just loved the headline.

Barbra Streisand livid, son is gay.

Hah, as if that's news.

What would really be shocking is,

Barbra Streisand livid, only son is straight,

therefore not a fan.

(chuckling)

Oh.

Have fun in Austin, Shelby.

- Bye, Mullin.

(revving)

- Are you Brother Vito?

- Uh.

Yeah, yeah.

You must be Eddie, Peggy's cousin.

- [Eddie] That's right.

- Hey, nice to meet you.

Thanks again for taking me to Texas.

I really appreciate it.

- I'm glad I am.

They'd be rubbing up all over a pretty boy like you.

Security my ass.

Bunch of perverts at that TSA, you hear?

- Uh, yeah.

- Well hop in.

We got a long drive ahead of us, come on.

By the way, I'm gonna say I'm sorry now.

I had a big pot of beans before I left.

Texas Bubble Bath, am I right?

(car starting)

(breathing heavily)

- Well, here we are, home sweet home.

I think that was the best trip ever.

Only killed two cats and one armadillo.

I think you might be my good luck charm, Brother Vito.

- Glad I could help.

- Now if you don't mind I'm gonna run in

and drain all the juice out of this pickly.

You need a ride back, just holler.

- Yeah, I'll call you.

Hey, how you doing?

- You're brother Vito?

- In the flesh.

That is unless you're casing the joint.

In that case I'm Belinda Carlisle.

And you are?

- Jeez I'm sorry.

I'm Gabe Rimes.

- Well, nice to meet you, sorry I'm Gabe Brimes.

- No, it's just that

I wasn't expecting someone that looked like you.

- Who were you expecting, Charo?

Coochie coochie!

- No, but I wasn't expecting John Travolta either.

- Hmm, I'm not quite sure how to take that.

- No.

It's a compliment.

- Have you seen Travolta lately?

- I mean, when he was younger, like in Grease.

- Nice save.

If you had said Battlefield Earth,

it would have been a long ride back to the center.

(light rock music)

You a Cat Stevens fan?

- Yeah.

You like him?

- I don't know, I haven't listened to much of his stuff.

- Oh man, I can't believe you haven't listened

to Cat Stevens.

You gotta give him a try.

- I don't know, it's not really my kind of,

you know what, let's put him in.

I told myself when I came to Austin

I would experience new things.

I think listening to Cat Stevens would make

a perfect number one on that list.

- Awesome!

- So how long have you been professed?

- I'm not a brother.

I just play along too.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

I just assumed.

- Why, do I look like a brother?

- No, you look like Keith Richards.

Oh no, no, when he was hot.

- Vito!

Hello, so good to put a face to the voice.

Sorry I wasn't able to pick you up today.

It's been crazed around here with Brother Sal

leaving for sabbatical.

Thank you Gabe, for picking up Vito.

- Hey, anything to take a break from landscaping.

Speaking of, there are a lot of weeds out back

that need whacking, so it was nice

meeting you again, brother.

- Oh please, call me Vito.

- Okay, Vito.

- Luckily, Gabe works at the home store

right down the street and was able to get them

to donate most of the plants.

Come on, I'll show you around the house

you'll be staying in for the next few months.

- All right, sounds good.

- Who played Avigdor opposite Barbra Streisand

in the 1983 film Yentl?

Oh you don't know this one.

We're taking away your gay card.

- I know this, I just can't remember her name, okay?

- Avigdor is a guy, dumbass.

- Hey, no clues.

- Okay, okay, I can picture him.

He looks like the gardener out back.

- Have you been washing down your meds with martinis?

(clock beeping)

- Oh, time's up.

- Mandy Patinkin!

How could you possibly forget that great hairy ass?

- If I could interrupt here before we get x- rated.

I would like to introduce Brother Vito Fortunato.

He'll be spending the summer with us

while Brother Sal's on sabbatical.

- I'm Gregg, two Gs.

- Alex, one X.

- One X, really?

Don't you know it's a sin to lie to a brother?

Hi, I'm Lenny.

- Joseph.

- But you can call her Mary Carson.

- You'll be seeing a lot of us, we never leave.

We're like gum stuck at the bottom of your shoe.

- You're like juicy fruit.

- And I'm bubble yum, great for blowing.

- Well, I'm Bazooka.

- Oh my.

- Easy there, Mary.

(phone ringing)

- Would you excuse me, Vito?

- It's okay, I'll get some fresh air out back.

It was nice meeting you guys.

Sorry to interrupt your discussion of hairy asses.

- Fasten your seat belts.

It's going to be a bumpy summer.

- Mhmm.

- I don't get it.

- Really?

All About Eve, Bette Davis, hello.

- Mandy Pattinkin and now this.

Are you sure you're gay?

- So Alex thinks you look like Mandy Pattinkin.

- She must be one ugly girl.

- No, it's a guy.

Has no one in this house seen Yentl?

- Chick flick.

What else has he been in?

- Um, you ever see the Princess Bride?

He was the Spanish swashbuckler.

- That guy was awesome.

My name is Inigo Montoya.

You killed my father, prepare to die.

- Easy there, Inigo.

You know what would look really great out here?

A fountain.

- Can you install a fountain?

- Gosh no.

I could barely install a garden hose.

- So you've been here barely 20 minutes

and you're already creating more work for me to do?

- Good point.

Better get back inside before I have you

digging canals for gondolas.

Thanks again for the ride.

Thank you again for everything.

This is just delicious.

- My pleasure.

I was a little hesitant serving pasta to an Italian.

I mean I'm no Mama Celeste, I'm sure.

- God, you're fine.

Besides, at this point I'd be happy

just as long as there's no beans in it. (laughing)

- What's that?

- Oh, Gabe is out working in the back.

- No, still?

I think it's too late.

I'm gonna send him home.

- Mm, no, you sit.

I'll go.

I'm here to help, remember?

I'll be right back, don't worry.

So I've been instructed to tell you

to get out of here.

- Boy.

Brother sure know how to make a guy feel welcome.

- We may have vowed poverty, chastity and obedience

but the last time I checked you can still have fun

on a Saturday night.

So scram.

- I may not have vowed those things

but they seem to have found me anyway.

What's a vow of obedience?

- It means you have to do everything I tell you to.

So go home, go out to dinner

with your boyfriend or something.

- No boyfriend.

The only thing that's waiting for me at home

is a frozen dinner and the Golden Girls.

Hey, that Bea Arthur's one handsome woman. (chuckling)

- Say, I was thinking about renting that Yentl movie

tomorrow night.

Would you wanna join me?

- Are you kidding?

I love that movie.

- Great.

I'll pick you up at seven.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a date with Bea Arthur.

Welcome to my palace.

Let me take you on the grand tour.

It is a stationary tour.

Just rotate and you can see everything.

- Ooh, I feel like wonder woman. (laughing)

(humming)

♪ Wonder Woman

- Easy there, Diana Prince.

I'm not sure I'm ready to see you in a one piece

and tights just yet.

So, this futon serves as my living room couch by day

and my bed at night.

The ottoman in front of it doubles as my dining room table.

Everything here serves a dual purpose.

- Including you?

- Absolutely.

Work at the home-store by day, bum at night.

We are unfortunately out of crumpets this evening

but we are in luck.

China Wok down the street has a great

Chicken Lo Mein.

Does that sound good to you?

- Sounds scrumptious.

- If you want to put the movie in, I'll call it in.

- Sure, where is it?

- It's on the refrigerator/cutting board.

- Welcome to Chez Schizophrenia.

- Boy, for someone who took a vow of poverty,

you sure are cocky.

- Hey, I gave up money, sex, and power.

At least let me keep my ego.

(light music)

- So, what'd you think?

- So did they really expect us to believe

that she was playing a young boy?

I mean, the guy part I get that.

But young?

What was she like, 50 when they made this?

- I know.

That poor lighting guy.

There's so much light coming in through the bedroom window,

it looks like there's a nuclear explosion

taking place outside.

- I wish.

At least there would have been some action.

- You totally hated this, didn't you?

- Told you, chick flick.

However, and this may be the overload of beer

and MSG talking, but I can totally relate.

The whole being attracted to someone,

not knowing what to do about it.

Have you ever been in love?

(laughing)

What's so funny?

- Well, aside from the totally abrupt change of subject,

you reminded me of that old video

from Paula Abdul's Rush Rush.

You know where she had like Keanu Reeves in it?

And she just stops right in the middle of the song

and goes, "Have you ever been in love?"

And he says "No".

And she's like, "Oh, isn't that sad?"

Just so corny.

- You didn't answer the question.

- I dated a lot before I became a brother but,

I don't think I ever loved any of them.

I mean, I've been in lust, but,

no, I don't think I've ever been in love.

You?

- Oh, I was married for two years.

- Now you're not answering the question.

- Oh I was definitely in love

but I wasn't in lust.

I knew that before we got married.

I guess I just thought maybe,

- Maybe what?

- I could talk myself into being straight.

- Are you sad that you're not married anymore?

- A little.

At least when I was married, I had someone

who loved me.

Now what I have is an ex who hates me,

a mother who cries every time I talk to her

and a father who fired me from the family business.

- Wow, Gabe.

I am so sorry.

- Thanks, but it's actually been a really good thing.

I feel more free now than I ever have before.

Now it's just about finding that special guy,

the final piece of the puzzle, you know.

- Well you're in the perfect city for that.

Cowboys are hot.

- Well you have to go out to find a cowboy

so I'm kind of out of luck.

- Well why don't you go out?

- I'm just not into the whole gay scene.

The cruising, the clothes, the music.

Guess I'm just not as gay as those guys.

- I wouldn't say that if I were you.

You like the Golden Girls.

- I guess that's a start, right?

- This is a big city.

There's gotta be something out there that interests you.

- There is a country western bar

that I'd be willing to check out.

Something like that would be more my speed.

What do you say, feel like going two stepping next weekend?

- You're on your own with that one, partner.

I left my iron wranglers and bolo tie at home.

- But you're the urban cowboy, remember, Barbarino?

Or are cowboy boots against your vows?

- No, but they're against my sense of good taste.

- I thought you were gonna try new things.

- Jerk.

Okay, okay, I'll go.

- Speaking of going.

This beer's about to make an exit.

- Well speaking of exits, I should get going.

- Cool, give me just a minute, I'll take you back.

Ooh, gotta piss like a racehorse.

Sorry, that was crude.

- Hey you're fine.

You don't have to worry about impressing me.

- Yeah, I know, I just,

okay yeah, just a second.

- Well hail, Mary.

Where are your partners in crime?

- Oh, they wouldn't tell me.

Tomorrow's my birthday so I think they're all

planning a surprise.

- Ooh, birthday!

How many candles we blowing out?

- Oh a true lady never reveals her age.

Especially if she's old enough to be your mother.

- Well, I'm excited to see the surprise.

- I'd be scared if I were you.

Lenny puts the ho in homosexual.

So you may see a little debauchery tomorrow.

Bring your rosary.

- Thanks for the tip.

So I've been meaning to ask you.

Why do they call you Mary Carson?

- Oh, lord.

Okay.

Do you remember the Thornbirds?

Probably not, you were probably two when it was on.

Mary Carson was the character played by Barbara Stanwick.

It's a wrinkled old bag who chases after

the young hunky priest.

Well they started calling me that

when they caught me checking you out

when you first got here.

- So that explains it.

And here I was thinking it was your drag name.

- No, that's Uma Goodness.

What's your drag name?

- Oh, I don't have one.

- You've never done drag before?

- I don't think I make a very pretty girl.

- Oh, I wouldn't be so sure.

You have good bone structure.

Besides, it's not about being pretty.

It's about being liberated and free.

And sometimes, the campier, the better.

I could see you as a Chita Rivera lookalike.

Get out some castanets, you're golden.

- Well, let's just get me a name first

and take it from there, okay?

- Deal.

- So, Uma, what's your story?

- I used to write for TV.

Loveboat, Fantasy Island, Shaft.

And then one day I landed this amazing pilot

for a show called Tony's Boys.

It was a ripoff of Charlie's Angels.

These three hunky detectives

and Barbara was their boss.

Mmm, the gay brother's dream.

- Why, the hunky detectives or Barbara Stanwick?

- Well Barbara Stanwick of course.

God, men you can find anywhere.

Barbara Stanwick's a true original.

Anyways it never did air because the brains

at the network thought it would only appeal

to gay men.

- That was before we were marketers' cash cow, right?

- Exactly.

Now the networks would be fighting over it.

I mean who do you think was watching

all those mudslinging, hair pulling cat fights on Dallas?

Certainly not the New York Jets.

- So what did you do after that all fell through?

- I tested positive.

Well not right after.

I picked up some gigs here and there.

Made a good living.

Nice house, fabulous clothes.

But when I tested positive,

now realize I didn't have a lot of time left.

I began to see the L.A. egocentric

career driven bullshit.

And realized there had to be more to life than that.

When all is said and done, no one cares

that you're aunt's best friend's cousin

went to high school with the chick

who's neighbor does J-Lo's bikini wax.

So I retired from the business and moved to Texas.

(door opening)

- Hey, you girls done gathering?

Could use a hand out here.

- Hey!

Did you install my fountain yet?

- You learn how to install it yet?

- A fountain would be nice.

But tell him to hurry it up.

I don't have a lot of time left.

- Oh stop.

You'll be drinking mint juleps out there

no matter what time it's finished.

- Whatever, Cathy Lee.

Now this maybe the meds talking

but I think the gardener likes you.

- (chuckling) I think you better check your meds.

- No really.

He hardly says a word around here.

But when you're around, he's goes all Chatty Cathy.

Is the feeling mutual?

- Hello, I'm a brother, remember, vow of chastity?

Besides, he's just being friendly.

(knocking)

- [Gabe] Hey, Barbarino, let's go.

- You must suck at poker.

- Why do you say that?

- 'Cause you can't bluff for shit.

No go on out there and help Mr. Just Being Friendly.

- Whatever, Mary Carson.

(country music)

- Wow, a real country western bar in Texas.

- Is it everything you expected it to be?

- I don't know, is there a mechanical bull somewhere?

- You watch too much TV.

- Hey, make all the jokes you want.

I'm just glad I get to wear this tank-top.

- Yeah, I was gonna ask.

I don't get it, what's it mean?

- I'm just a girl who can't say no.

Tell me you know what that's from.

- Sorry.

- Oklahoma, Ado Annie?

♪ I'm just a girl who can't say no ♪

♪ I'm in a turrible fix

- I'm guessing you didn't get the lead.

- Sorry, I didn't realize I was talking

to Neil Patrick Harris over here.

No, Ado Annie, she's this girl.

She's got a boyfriend but she just can't stop

kissing every single boy that she sees.

It's a hand me down from Tim.

It's a little tattered but hey,

I figure country western bar, gay guys, Oklahoma.

Hey, this is as country as I get.

- So you weren't able to wear it before?

- It kind of felt like it was false advertising, you know?

- Which part, the can't say no or you being a girl?

- Okay, if I'm gonna take this kind of abuse

I'm gonna need a drink.

- Okay, then let's get you a drink

'cause I have a lot more jokes about that shirt.

(woman laughing)

- What's up guys?

What can I get you?

- [Gabe] A beer.

- What kind of white wine do you have?

- White.

- Perfect.

- Good choice.

For you.

Here you go.

And for you.

- Put your money away.

Tonight's on me.

- No, it's fine, I got it.

- Thanks.

Good.

- Look, if it weren't for you,

I'll be at home with the TV dinner

watching Rose Nylund telling more St. Olaf stories.

- My favorite is the one where she almost wins

the St. Olaf beauty pageant.

It was the first year they allowed humans.

- See what you're saving me from?

Let me take care of you tonight, okay?

- Hey, it looks like someone over there

wants to take care of you tonight too.

He's been checking you out ever since we got in the bar.

- He's not my type.

- You're obviously his type.

- He's probably just wondering why the hottest guy

in this bar is sitting here talking to me.

- Whatever.

You know, we should probably split up.

If people are gonna think that we're together,

you're never gonna meet anyone.

- No, I'd rather just hang out with you.

- Why, you think people are gonna find you

more attractive when they think you're unavailable?

- The boys want what they can't have, right?

Just hang out with me.

- Okay, if that's what you want.

- [Gabe] That's a cool tattoo, what is it?

- Oh it means love in Chinese.

- Are you sure?

Or is that just what someone told you?

It could mean I love man boobs.

- Haha, very funny.

No, I designed it myself.

- I love this song.

Let's go dance.

- Oh, not on your life.

I don't know how to two step.

- It's all right, it's a slow song.

You'll be fine, just follow my lead.

- I'll look like I have no idea what I'm doing.

- Good.

Then you'll know how I feel

every time you guys break in the Steel Magnolia quotes.

- I am pleasant, damn it.

I saw Drum eating this morning at the Piggly Wiggly,

and I smiled at the son of a bitch

so I could help myself.

Hey it's not swearing if it's a quote.

Look, I would love to make country western dancing

number 45 on the list of things I've never done before,

but I don't really know if I should be doing a slow song.

I mean it's not you.

It's just the brother thing.

- It's okay.

I can understand.

Um, do you want to get out of here?

- Of course not, why, 'cause I didn't wanna dance?

Ask that guy, he'd say yes.

- I told you, he's not my type.

- Well okay, we can just hang and talk.

- I know, I'm just kind of over being out.

This is some overload.

Baby steps, right?

We could just hang at my place and watch Golden Girls

if you want.

- Sure, if that's what you want.

Just let me finish my white first.

- Ah, another night of Dorothy Rose, Blanche and Sophia.

- All we need now is some cheesecake.

- Exactly.

(people laughing)

Hey, is it okay if we turn this off for a minute?

I just wanna ask you a question.

- Yeah, yeah, sure.

Seen it a million times.

It's one where Rose thinks she has aids.

She's negative.

So what's up?

- It's the whole brother thing.

- What about it?

- More like the whole intimacy thing.

After I got divorced, I fooled around with a few guys

but it was just physical, there was no emotion behind it.

And it left me feeling completely empty inside.

That's when I knew that I wanted someone in my life.

Now, I'm ready for that intimacy.

And I look at you and you're willing to go

your whole life without that?

- I don't know, it's just something that I have to give up.

It's just part of being a brother.

- Yeah but I can't see why you can't have both.

- See now, if I were with somebody,

they would get my full attention.

So by my being single, it frees up my focuses and energy

to help other people.

- Yeah, but don't you wanna fall in love?

I mean love is the thing that drives everything.

Music, movies, art.

It's all based in love.

I can't imagine going my whole life

knowing I can never have that.

- It's not like I have no love in my life.

I've got friends, I've got students, I've got family.

I know it's not the same as being in love

but it's not like I'm living some sort of life

that's totally void of love.

- Yeah, but don't you wanna fall in love though?

- It's just something that God asked me to sacrifice.

- See my god is a loving father.

I can't imagine any parent wanting their kid

to suffer for their sake.

Every parent wants their kid to be happy.

- Yeah, well you're happy and look at your parents.

(sighing)

- That wasn't cool.

- I'm sorry, it's just.

- No, my dad wants me to be happy.

He just thinks being gay isn't gonna make me happy.

He has a warped image of gay men.

He thinks we all have Aids

and his only view of gay life is watching the news

and seeing gay pride parades with queens

in glitter body paint getting spanked by leather daddies.

He hasn't seen any positive role models.

- Well neither have I.

So let me know if you find one, okay?

- They're closer than you might think.

Come on.

(bell ringing)

- Well, well, well.

If it isn't the man who lives out

back in the RV.

Randy and I were just talking about

how we never see you anymore.

And now I know why.

- Winston, this is Vito.

Vito, this is Winston, my landlord.

I decided to take you and Randy up on the offer

to come down for a drink one night.

Is it a bad time?

- No, no.

It is never a bad time to have drinks

with two such young handsome men.

Besides, we were just watching the Golden Girls.

It's that episode where Rose thinks

she has HIV.

She's negative.

Randy, we have company!

Buckle your pants!

Come on in.

Come, come, come, come.

- Hi.

- Good to see you.

Here's a couple of martinis for you.

- What did you use?

- The gin your mother brought from Peru.

- You were not supposed to use that.

- Shut your fat piehole.

- Don't tell me to shut up.

- We are entertaining an out of town guest.

Now you're supposed to make company

feel welcome in your home.

Nothing is too good for our guests.

Bon appetit.

(coughing)

- Well, this is great.

- Yeah, thank you.

Peruvian Gin, number 77 on the list.

- So, are you here on vacation, Vito?

- No, I'm actually here volunteering for the summer.

- Damn, you can get all that time off?

- Well, I teach, so.

- You're a student yourself.

- Well thank you, but you are obviously drunk.

(chuckling)

- Did you ever have a teacher that looked like him

when you were in school, sweets, huh?

- No, and if I had, my grades would have been

a sight better.

No, I went to a Catholic school

and all my teachers were brothers.

- Well, some of them can be hot.

So guys, tell Vito the story of how you met.

- Oh.

- Oh Gabe, you don't want to hear that story again.

- Yeah, it's so inspirational.

Vito and I were just talking about

how there aren't any gay role models.

- Oh no dear, now we're role models, oh!

- That just means we're old.

- Oh, I always wanted to be a model.

You know like Cheryl Tiegs.

Oh, you're just jealous, pooh.

- Why, you don't think I could be a model?

- There ain't enough plastic surgeons

on the planet, honey.

Anyway, when I was your age, I was a teacher.

It was back during that Anita Bryan hysteria

down in Florida where they were trying to get rid

of all the gay teachers.

- I was a reporter, and I got an assignment

to go get a teacher's perspective.

So Winston's principal told me that he had a free period.

- And when I saw this young handsome, muscled up man

on my doorstep, oh!

Did my my heart ever start to pound.

(coughing)

That was a long time ago.

But, when he told me he was there to interview me,

I thought, uh oh, how did he find out I was gay?

- So he gives me an interview

but he's uptight and just gives me one word answers.

So then the next day he calls me

and he tells me that he wants to meet for coffee

because he has more for the article.

We meet and he tells me that he's gay

and that I can put it in the paper.

- Wow, so you came out?

Why did you do that?

- Oh, anything to see this beautiful hunk of a man again,

are you kidding?

No, no, the real reason was Harvey Milk.

- Who's that?

- Oh, honey, that's your history.

It's okay, your boyfriend didn't know

who he was either.

- Oh, no, see, Gabe and I, we aren't.

- Harvey Milk was the first openly gay elected official.

- So after Randy left, I flipped through the newspaper

just to see what kind of reporter he was.

And I saw that he had done an interview with Harvey Milk.

Well Harvey was so courageous, I just,

I was ashamed of hiding.

- Article came out to pretty positive reviews.

- Oh yeah, I even got a call from Harvey himself

congratulating me.

- Wow, that is awesome.

- So, when we started dating,

it was about the time that Winston was moving in with me

that we learned that Harvey had been assassinated.

So Harvey Milk has a very special place in our heart

for many reasons.

- Well, I need another drink.

Drink up, ladies.

I never outdrink my guests.

Gabe, babe, would you come with me,

help him bring it back in?

- Just remember.

The only reason that you can come out as young as you did

was because of the men and women like Harvey Milk.

Make sure that their sacrifice was not in vain.

- I won't.

- I know you won't.

You and Gabe make a cute couple.

I have never seen him this happy.

- You see, Gabe and I, we aren't.

- Here we go.

- Oh see, I'm not finished.

- Bottoms up!

- He already is.

- Hush.

- How did you make that so fast?

- I premade a pitcher.

- With the gin my mother gave me?

- Yes, with the gin your mother gave you,

but she gave it to us.

- I was saving that.

- And I'm using it.

It has been in that damn cabinet for three years now.

I'll go online, I'll buy you five bottles

if you would just shut up.

Oh here's a better idea.

Let's send your mother back to Peru, huh?

- Be nice.

We're talking about my mother.

- I am being nice to you.

Remember Christmas?

Do you remember the beautiful diamond bracelet I bought her?

What did she get me, a salad spinner.

She's either saying I'm fat or I serve

wilted salads and I don't know which is worse!

- She was trying to be helpful.

- Well then I'll be helpful and get her a book

to teach her not to overcook turkeys.

How's your drink, sweetheart?

- My glass is empty.

- Uh huh.

- Thank you for taking me to see them tonight, Gabe.

- Yeah, it's my pleasure.

- I may not be thanking you in the morning though.

They got me a little tipsy.

- Ah, me too.

I don't think I'm gonna be driving you home tonight.

- Oh, it's okay, I'll just call one of the brothers

and they can come and get me.

- No!

Um, they're probably already in bed for church tomorrow.

And you are too drunk to try walking home tonight.

Just crash here tonight and I'll take you home

in the morning.

- Ah, I shouldn't.

- And I'm not taking no for an answer.

- Okay.

Do you have any aspirin?

- Yeah, it's in the bathroom.

(sighing)

(pills clacking)

- Wow.

That was fast.

- Did you want this side?

I can scoot over.

- Side?

I'm just gonna go on the floor.

- I know everything in here is dual purpose,

but the floor doesn't double as a bed.

And if anybody's sleeping on the floor, it's me.

- No, no, really, you take the bed.

- Either I'm sleeping on the floor,

or I'm sleeping in the bed with you.

Those are the two options.

- I don't care.

Well this is another first.

Never slept in a futon before.

- It's a lot more comfortable than you think.

- So, I, uh,

I guess this makes us bedfellows, huh?

- I guess so.

- You know where the term bedfellows comes from?

- No, but I'm sure you're gonna tell me.

- Well back in the 1800s, male friends

could sleep in the same bed with each other

and it wasn't anything sexual.

Society would allow male friends

to show affection to each other.

All that macho stuff didn't start happening

till after the World wars.

- And that's when it got sexual?

- Should probably get some sleep.

- Okay, so I was wondering about the whole bedfellows thing.

Was it appropriate for them to snuggle up

on cold nights?

- If they needed to keep warm, yeah.

- So, something like this would be okay, right?

- Ah, yeah.

- What about spooning?

- Uh, if it was really cold outside, yeah.

- Did you ever hear about the study they did

at that orphanage in Europe?

That one with the babies being held?

- No.

- A few years ago, the director in this orphanage

made all nurses hold the babies for at least

30 minutes a day.

That was awesome.

A lot of the babies that were really sick

made these miraculous recoveries

and they're all a lot happier.

- I could see that.

I've been reading a lot about the power of touch.

- That's why I was wondering about

the whole chastity thing with you.

Do you really wanna go your whole life

without this?

It's fine.

When Winston and I went to grab drinks

he was grilling me about you.

He thought we were together.

- Randy thought the same thing.

- Did you set him straight?

- Sofia Vergara in a bikini couldn't set him straight.

But no, I never got the chance.

How about you?

Did you tell Winston that I'm not your boyfriend?

- No.

He seems so excited for me, I just played along.

He did invite us to go to church with him tomorrow.

Are you allowed to go?

- Allowed?

I have to go, it's in my job description.

- Well it's not a Catholic church.

I go to a protestant church and I didn't know

if you could go to non-Catholic churches.

- It's okay.

God told me it's all right to see other churches.

- Wow, looks like the 80th new thing you've tried

since you've been out here.

I think that's really great.

I think you're really great.

- You too.

Good night, Gabe.

- Good night, Vito.

- We're reading Paul's first letter to the Corinthians.

If I speak in the tongues of mortals and of angels

but do not have love, I am a noisy gong

or a clanging cymbal.

And if I have prophetic powers

and understand all mysteries and knowledge,

and if I have faith as to remove mountains

but do not have love, I am nothing.

If I give away all my possessions

and if I hand over my body so that I may burn

but do not have love,

I gain nothing.

I am nothing.

Hmm.

Imagine, understanding all the world's mysteries

and having faith to move mountains

and still being nothing.

We could possess the greatest knowledge

and have the strongest faith of all the prophets

and yet be nothing.

For scripture tells us today that without love,

we are nothing.

Growing up, many of us in our community have been made

to feel like nothing because of our sexuality.

And so we desperately try to become something

when we get older.

Some of us do this by amassing material possessions.

Others work hard to obtain the perfect physique.

And some others look to immediate sexual gratification

as the only means of affirming our worth.

But all these things are just a band aid

over the wounds in our hearts.

They don't provide lasting change.

Our community proves Paul to be speaking the truth here.

We can have the finest things, have the perfect body

and all the sex in the world

and still we are empty beings because we don't have love.

Please, join me now in showing each other

God's love for one another.

- Oh, oh, hey hey hey.

There's a couple of people I want you to meet, come on.

Gloria and Blaze, these are the two young men

I told you about.

This is Gabe and there's Vito.

- I'm Gloria.

- Nice to meet you.

- [Gloria] It's nice to meet you.

- [Vito] Nice to meet you.

- (laughing) How you guys doing?

Now which one of you is from my neck of the woods?

- Oh, please, her accent comes and goes

more than Madonna's.

- Well I was born in Brooklyn.

- Oh really, me too!

Guess where.

- Uh, I don't know.

Williamsburg?

- No, I'll give you a clue.

What does Brooklyn have in common

with a girl in tight jeans?

Flat bush! (laughing)

- She's a delicate flower, isn't she?

So, Vito, how are you enjoying Austin?

- Ah, loving it, it's great, thanks.

- Well of course he is.

You know what they say.

Everything in Texas is bigger. (laughing)

- Oh look, honey, they're bringing eclairs.

- Oh, hot damn, let me at them.

- They're gonna need reinforcements.

- I'm sorry about.

- Oh, no no, she's great.

- Thank you.

And I have to say that you and Gabe

make a really cute couple.

- Thanks, but you know, Gabe and I,

we're not a couple.

- Oh?

- I'm about to take my final vows

to be a brother in a Catholic church.

- Oh, I'm sorry, I didn't know.

- You apologize a lot.

It's okay, you're fine.

- Actually Vito, you and I have a lot in common.

I used to be a sister of St. Clement.

- You are?

- It was a long time ago.

I took my vows right out of high school.

- (belching) Damn, Glory.

Those enchiladas taste even better the next day.

- You and Blaze both weren't nuns, were you?

- Oh good heavens, no.

She was a lay teacher at the school where I taught.

We just, we had this immediate connection.

We fell in love so fast.

Love at first sight.

- But you were a nun.

You took a vow of chastity.

Why didn't you act on it?

- Vito, I was horribly tormented by it all

but eventually I decided that it was best

for my health and mental well-being

to choose to be with Blaze.

- Oh shit!

Look at me.

Miss Piggy.

- Ah, Blaze!

- Sometimes I'm still tormented.

- Well, I struggle with those feelings to

but then I read the bible and it says that

those who give up their life for Christ

will end up finding life, a more fulfilled life,

so no offense, I don't understand how you can

just ignore the call of God in your life

just because you met somebody.

- Vito, my life with Blaze has been more fulfilled

than my life with Christ ever was.

My love for her has actually drawn me closer to god,

not led me astray.

I still do God's work.

I just do it now as a more happy and healthy person.

I mean how could god ever expect any of his children

to sacrifice their happiness for his sake?

- Well he asked that of Jesus.

But Jesus would have loved to have gone out

and fall in love with somebody.

But no, he did the work that God called him to do.

- Jesus came into the world

for a completely different reason.

He came to save us.

It is part of God's plan that we are to take

advantage of that so that we can enjoy our lives.

John 10:10, I have come to give you life

and give it to the full.

Have you ever felt life to the full?

If you ever experience life to the full,

you will never settle for second best.

- [Everyone] Go, go, go, go, go

go, go, go, go, go, go, go!

Yeah!

- See what I mean?

Come on honey, we need to go soon.

- Oh yeah, we better leave if we're gonna get

to the bakery in time for Joan

and Sharon's engagement party.

- [Gloria] We're bringing the cake.

- And trust me, you don't wanna piss off

a room full of hungry dykes. (laughing)

- It was a pleasure meeting you both.

- Ladies and lesbians, Elvis is leaving the building!

Come on Priscilla!

Woo!

- That lady was crazy.

You should have heard what she,

You okay?

- Oh, yeah.

- Do I have chocolate in my face?

- No, no, you're fine.

- Okay, good.

You know that's why I keep you around, right?

To tell me if I have chocolate in my face

or spinach in my teeth.

Peruvian gin on my shirt.

- That's all I'm good for, hygiene updates.

- You're also a good bedfellow.

- I should get going back to the center.

It's my last week here and I promised the guys

we'd have a Golden Girls marathon before I left, so I.

- Yeah, I know better than to keep you from those

four old broads.

Let's go.

(sighing)

(rain pattering)

- Oh, god.

- Wow.

- I thought you guys were in a drought.

- Well, then be grateful we got the rain.

- This is not how I want to spend my last night in Austin.

- You see, it's all part of my sinister plan.

First, I make it rain.

And then you get sick.

And wallah, you'll have to stay longer.

Mwahahaha.

Don't just stand there freezing then.

Get out of your wet clothes and warm up in the shower.

- Well, you can't stand there in those wet clothes

while I shower, you'll freeze.

Come on, we'll both take a shower.

- Together?

- Yeah, what, you never been in a locker room before?

- Well yeah, but, it's too small for both of us.

- Oh please, in college I shared a bathroom

with 30 guys and it was no big deal.

Just um, hurry up.

(thunder rumbling)

(shower splashing)

Why didn't you come in?

- I'm sorry, I just couldn't handle it.

- Handle what?

- Seeing you naked, being naked with you.

- It was just a shower.

I didn't want you to get cold.

- I know, I'm sorry.

But I just feel I could be more comfortable

showering by myself.

Go ahead and get dressed.

I laid some clothes up for you

so I could take your clothes out to the drier.

(squeaking)

Is something wrong?

Why aren't you dressed?

Did you not like the clothes I picked out for you?

- I uh,

Oh my god, um.

There's something that I need to tell you, Gabe.

I, um, when you didn't come into the shower,

I don't know, I,

I felt kind of abandoned.

- Vito.

- No, no, please let me finish.

And then I asked you why you didn't come in

and you told me that it made you uncomfortable

to be naked around me.

And I, I don't know, it hurt.

I just felt rejected.

- But,

- Wait, it's okay.

It made me realize, I'm falling for you, Gabe.

- You are?

- Yeah.

Guess I have been for a while.

I just finally admitted it to myself.

- Vito, I don't know what to say.

- You don't have to say anything.

Just,

please don't reject me again.

- Wait.

Are you sure you wanna do this?

- I have never been more sure

of anything in my life.

Wow.

I have never made out with a guy as a brother before.

Number 92. (laughing)

- Let's get in bed and see if we can get to a hundred.

(moaning)

- Guess we won't need those anymore.

Wooh.

(moaning)

- Are you okay?

- I'm sorry, I,

- We don't have to do anything you don't wanna do.

We can stop.

- No, no.

I want to.

- In that case, ready to add a few more numbers?

(groaning)

- Whoah, oh.

Yeah, just, go slow.

It's been a while.

(moaning)

(moaning)

- You okay?

- Yeah, I'm great, you?

- Yeah.

(moaning)

(laughing)

I'm about to.

- Oh, me too.

Go for it.

(groaning)

Wow.

- You okay?

- Yeah, it's just, wow. (laughing)

- I feel bad.

I shouldn't have.

- No, no.

Everything was perfect.

- It was.

I'm gonna go grab us a towel.

- No.

Please, just hold me.

- Gladly.

- Hey.

What are you doing?

- I'm writing you a letter.

- A letter?

Can't you do that when I'm gone?

Come on.

We only have a few hours left

and I wanna spend them with you right next to me.

- I need to get this out while it's fresh

in my mind, okay?

You've got a really busy day tomorrow

and I might not get a chance to say

everything I wanna say.

- You can tell me now.

- I can't.

Everything has to come out just right.

Just let me do this, okay?

I promise it won't be long.

- I miss you already.

- What you thinking about?

- Just,

about how I'm leaving this place a different person.

This place has really changed me.

You've really changed me.

- Is that a good thing?

- No.

I'm just playing.

It's just that change is scary.

Know what I mean?

- Yeah but, standing still is even scarier,

don't you think?

(whistling from back)

That's your cue.

You all set?

- I'm ready for my closeup, Mr. Deville.

Wait a second.

They didn't hire a stripper, did they?

- They wanted to, but I put the kibosh on that.

Nobody strips for you but me.

♪ Baw chika bow wow

- All right, enough Bambi, I'm all out of singles.

(laughing)

- [Gabe] Keep walking.

Keep going, and,

- [Everyone] Surprise!

- Oh my gosh.

Wow.

How did you guys pull all this off?

- Justin paid for it and I installed it yesterday

so it'd be done before you left.

- Mary Carson waits for a hunky priest.

Here, have a mint julep.

- Vito, on behalf of all of us here at the house,

thank you for all you've done for us this summer.

- Yeah.

(clapping)

- Gosh, I have nothing prepared.

But really, this wasn't me.

Gabriel, he did all the work.

And the fountain was all Mary Carson's doing.

I'm surprised you didn't get one

of the little boy peeing.

- Hey, just be glad I didn't pick the one

of the naked woman pouring water.

- Okay, so where's the stripper?

- Please, you're a brother now.

You can't be looking at naked men.

- But it's okay 'cause we did get you something

just as spectacular.

- Oh, you did not have to do this, guys.

(laughing) Oh my gosh.

Where on earth did you find something like this?

- Well I would tell you but Gregg would be arrested.

- Whatever, Mr. Hugh Jackman has a restraining

order against me.

- Oh be nice.

Everybody knows Hugh Jackman doesn't have a

restraining order against him.

- Thank you.

- The bodyguard did tell him though

if he saw him ever again, he'd punch his face in.

- Have a wonderful life, Vito.

- Hey now, I'll be back next summer.

You haven't seen the last of me yet, Mary Carson.

- Unfortunately, my prince, you probably have.

Live your life to the fullest, Vito, okay?

- I promise.

And I will tell you all about it next summer.

- Here.

Be the first person to make a wish on the fountain.

Ah, there it is.

(clapping)

- Group hug, group hug, group hug!

Guys, group hug!

- [Justin] Get away, watawatawatawata.

- [Gabe] Are you sure you wanna drive back with Eddie?

- Yeah, it's fine.

He's going back anyways.

It'll save the house some money.

- I'll pay for the flight.

- Thanks hon, but I'll survive.

- I got you a going away present.

- Really?

You didn't have to do that.

(laughing)

Where did you find this?

- I have one too.

- That is so sweet, thank you.

Well now I feel bad.

I didn't get you anything.

- Hey, you took a vow of poverty, remember?

Besides, you already gave me something.

I told you about it in the letter.

- Really?

Well when do I get to read it?

- I wanted you to see it as soon as you got back

so I put it in your bible.

- Really?

- Wait.

Don't read it yet.

Wait until you get home, okay?

- Okay.

- Promise?

- Hey, I took a vow of obedience, remember?

I have to do what you tell me to.

- Well, in that case.

- Hey now. (laughing)

I already broke the vow of chastity with you.

Let's not make it two out of three, okay?

- So, I guess this is it, huh?

- Yeah, I um,

I guess so.

- I wish you didn't have to go.

(knocking)

- Hey pretty boy.

Want some beans?

I ate most of the pot but there's some left.

- Uh, thanks Eddie, I'm okay.

I ate before I left.

- All right then, come on, let's go.

- Thank you for everything.

- No, no, thank you.

- Come on, sweetcakes.

Daylight don't last forever.

- I gotta go.

- I know.

I know.

Bye, Vito.

(somber music)

(knocking)

I um,

I uh,

I hope you don't hit any armadillos.

- Me too.

Last one I hit got brains up inside the engine.

It was a son of a bitch to clean up.

Must have been a real smart fella.

(car starting)

(unzipping)

- Hey, you're back!

- Hey, yeah hi.

Sorry, you scared me.

Yeah, I just got in, how you been?

- Same stuff as usual.

How about you man, how was your trip?

- It was great.

- You don't look so good.

Is everything okay?

- Oh, yeah, I'm fine.

I just had a long car ride.

I should probably take a nap.

- Where on earth did you get this picture?

- Oh this, gosh, I just saw it in a store.

Cost me a couple bucks.

Thought it was funny.

- Well, I won't keep you from unpacking.

It's really good to have you back.

Things just haven't been the same here without you.

- Glad to be back.

(gasping)

- Rosie, I'm home.

- (gasping) Riquita!

You've been with a man, haven't you?

(cat mewing)

- What are you talking about?

- Oh, mylanta, you have, you little slut.

You went out to Texas and you rode a cowboy.

- Okay, how did you know?

- Please, do you realize how many guys a week

I see after they've had great sex?

You my friend have the look of a satisfied customer.

Well, so tell me all about it.

I want every detail.

- Uh, I'd rather not.

- Uh, come on.

I'd tell you if I got laid.

You already do.

- See, so you owe me like 500 stories then.

And this one better be better than that lame one

about you jerking off in front of a porn star.

I want a real story with real sex.

(sobbing)

I jerked off in front of a porn star

and I'm gonna be a brother. (sobbing)

- Do you wanna hear the story or not?

- Yes, I'll stop, go.

- Okay, so there's this guy volunteering at the house.

- What's his name?

- Gabe.

- Hot, what's gabe do?

- Landscaping.

- Oh my god.

You fucked the gardener?

- Landscaper.

- So what, he plowed you with his hoe,

watered your plants, raked your leaves?

- Anyways, no.

We just kind of clicked.

Had a nice time hanging out.

- Wait a minute.

This wasn't a one night stand?

- Well we only had sex once, but no.

- I don't believe it.

You spend one summer in Texas

and got back with a hot gardener,

landscaper.

Meanwhile, I've been single for seven years!

What the hell is going on here!?

- Tim!

- Sorry brother, what the heck is going on here?

So do you love him?

- Ah, I mean it was two months.

I mean he's a nice guy, but.

- So when do I get to meet him?

- Oh, you don't.

- Why not, is there something wrong with him?

Does he have a,

'cause I'm totally cool with that now.

I had this hot threeway with this couple from Chicago

over the fourth of July weekend

and one of them was, eeh, you know.

And let's just say I got over it very quickly.

- Well as happy as I am for you

that you've expanded your horizons,

I'm not telling you if he's cut

and you are definitely not meeting him.

- (scoffing) I don't get to meet your boyfriend.

- He's not my boyfriend, Tim!

Look, I'm gonna be a brother in three months.

This was just me getting it out of my system.

- Oh please, if it was out of your system,

you wouldn't have the big smile on your face

when you told me about him.

You made Richard Simmons look suicidal.

- Is dinner ready yet?

- Fine.

I'll leave it alone for now.

But I will say,

that look in your eyes when you told me about him,

nice to have the old Vito back.

- Well I think it's nice to see the old Vito too.

He'll make one fantastic brother.

- You coming to eat or what?

- Boy, summer hasn't softened you a bit, has it?

- Hey, I got over the turtleneck thing, okay?

Oh, and I fired Esperanza last week

so don't think you're getting anything fancy tonight.

- You fired Esperanza?

Aw, how come?

- Long story.

- You slept with her cousin, didn't you?

- And his best friend.

That's actually not the reason I fired her.

It's the reason I kept her around for as long as I did.

- Well whatever you're cooking smells fabulous.

- That is why I love cooking for you.

Anything smells great after that homeless shelter crap

you eat everyday.

Oh, and if you're looking for some cash under the table

I'm hiring for a maid.

- Mail call, special delivery for Brother Vito

from Austin, Texas.

- Austin?

- Yeah.

There's no return address on it though

but it looks important.

You're not gonna open it?

- No, it's probably just paperwork from the center.

- Okay.

Vito, are you okay?

- Yeah, why?

- Yeah, 'cause ever since you got back from Austin

a couple of months ago, you've been acting different.

It's like you're distracted or something.

- No, I'm fine.

- Vito, you're not even looking at me.

- I'm sorry, Steve.

I've been really tired.

I haven't been sleeping at all lately.

- Okay, well.

I'm here if you need to talk to me.

I'm gonna shut the door and let you take a nap.

- Thanks.

- [Justin] My dearest Brother Vito.

In my old age, I've learned a lot.

Usually, people don't like to listen to folks

as old as me.

Since this is a letter, you have no choice.

I have learned a lot in life.

Life is too short to waste it by worrying

about whether or not you're living it the right way.

I only wish it didn't take me until the end of my life

to figure that out.

So, I pass this wisdom and this fabulous picture

of miss Stanley, along to you my prince.

Love, Justin.

P.S., by the way,

I decided on a drag name for you.

Anita Live.

Wear it well, Prince Charming.

P.P.S., I was going to leave this to you in my will

but I'll be happier knowing you're enjoying it now.

Thank you for being a friend.

- [Gabe] Dear Vito.

When I came out, I felt like the pieces

of the puzzle were coming together,

but there was still something missing.

I knew I'd find it someday

but I had no idea it would be you.

I don't want you to think I'm trying

to pressure you into choosing between me and God.

I mean, how can I compete?

He has way more money than I do.

But maybe you can have us both.

I want you to do what's right for your life, Vito,

but I know you.

You want someone.

You tattooed love on your arm, for crying out loud.

You just woke up and called me back to bed.

There's no place I'd rather be so I'm gonna close.

If you don't choose to be with me,

I wanna make sure I spend as much time

in your arms as possible while I have the chance.

The decision is yours.

Just please let me know what you decide.

I love you and miss you already.

Gabriel.

(sobbing)

(knocking)

- Just a minute.

- Hey Vito.

- Hey Mike, what's up?

- I've got the proof for the invitation

of the final vow service.

Now Steve and Brian said everything is okay.

I just need your okay and I can get this to the printer.

(sighing)

- All set.

(energetic rock music)

- Brought you some beans, lover boy.

(knocking)

- What are you doing here?

- I came to see you.

What's wrong?

- Nothing, it's just,

I haven't heard from you since you left.

It's been over two months.

- I know, I know, I'm sorry.

I just needed to clear my head

and sort some stuff out.

But I'm here now.

- Um, okay.

Now's not exactly a good time.

(toilet flushing)

- Oh, hi.

- Jim, this is Brother Vito Fortunato.

He volunteered at the house this summer.

- Yeah, okay hi.

Hi, Brother Vito.

It's nice to meet you.

Oh, it's okay, I washed my hands.

(somber music)

(door creaking)

- You never called.

- I know, I know, I know.

(sighing) I'm sorry.

- I thought you chose God.

- No, really, it's okay, don't worry about it.

He seems nice, I'm happy for you.

- No, you're not.

- Okay, I'm not!

I go through all this effort through

and all this shit,

and I drive halfway across the country

just to be with you.

And I get here and I find out that it's too late.

God, and what's worse off is that I'm the one

who told you to go out with the guy.

- Vito.

- No, just don't worry about it.

So are they hiring at the home store?

It looks like I'm out of a job.

- Wait.

You're not going back to being a brother?

- No.

What kind of life would I have

if I didn't have love?

But what about?

- Jim?

Don't worry about him.

This is our second date.

Besides, he's not my type, remember?

I never gave up hope.

(energetic rock music)

- These two men have had quite a journey

on this blessed occasion.

No one can deny that God has brought

these two men together.

And what God has brought together,

let no man tear it apart.

It is my honor and pleasure to present to you

for the first time as partners in life,

Brian Rogers and Steven Peterson.

You may now kiss your husband.

(crowd clapping)

(energetic rock music)