Brewster's Millions (1985) - full transcript

Outside!

We got one to go!

One out to go! All right.

Okay!

- Be careful with your ass, Brewster.
- We got two outs.

- Come on, Rudy!
- Hit it, Rudy!

- Foul ball!
- Aw, foul ball?

Aw, you almost had that. I bet you feel
like a big piece of shit, don't you?

Talk all you want, Porky.

Here we go, Monty.
Right into Porky's glove.

Throw it in to Porky!



Foul ball!

Aw, foul ball again!

It's all right, Rudy.

Want me to have him
pitch underhanded to ya?

Hey, I lettin' my bat
do my talking, lard ass!

- Oh, the bat's got the brains!
- Play ball.

All right. I just want to figure it out!

That's all. I want to know who's got
the brains in the family.

- Time out!
- Time out?

It's all right. It's all right.
It's all right. It's all right.

Come on, take it easy now.
Don't lose your concentration.

Don't lose my concentration? The goddamned
train's coming through the outfield!

There's a guy out there in the bleachers,

front row, he's got a hat, camera.



He's taking pictures of me
for the last three games.

I'm tellin' ya.
I think he's a scout for the big leagues.

Monty, this is Hackensack, New Jersey.

No scout comes here, you understand?

A train's goin' through
the outfield right now.

But if you strike this guy out, I'll take you
with me tonight, we'll get you drunk.

That's a promise. Two outs. Two! Two!

Play ball!

Two outs. Two outs.

He makes three.

Look at him. He's a little rag doll!

Knock it a long distance for me!

Hey, old man, getting a little tired, huh?

Get back to T-ball, buddy.

Strike three! You're out!

Big win! Yeah!

All right. Big win!

Constantly scheming

Forever dreaming

If I can't get what I want

Life just ain't worth livin'

No

Hey, honey!

Oh, living in materialistic reality

Only taking what you want
Oh, don't you see

Do you live in a materialistic reality

I'm a gypsy.
That's why I'm not gonna bullshit you, okay?

I could tell you, "I'll see you next year."
I'm not gonna see you next year.

Because I'm gonna be playing
with the big leagues.

- Really?
- That's right.

I don't know what team,
but you'll see me on television

and you'll say to your friends,

"I know that guy!
That's the guy that wanted to date me,

"but, no, I was too stupid."

Jake here. I'm in Hackensack.

Ah, pretty much the same picture.
He was out drinkin'

till 3:30 in a bar last night,

then he picked up some girl
and took her back to the hotel.

I figure tonight's agenda
looks about the same.

He's in a bar celebrating his victory.

Yeah, he was the winning pitcher today.

Yeah, right now,
you're playing for Hackensack.

So what are you doing
in a Cubs jersey, huh?

A Cubs jersey? What are you talkin' about?
Hey, what number is that?

Says "35."

That was my number when
I played with the Cubs.

They were the only big league team
smart enough to let me play for 'em.

Is he a good pitcher? He's enthusiastic.

Kinda like a kid in a candy store,
you know what I mean?

Excuse me. Excuse me.

Cold beer here. Cold beer.

There you go. Sorry I'm late. Allow me.

- Attractive.
- Thank you very much.

Look, just keep
your eye out for Rudy, will you?

He doesn't exist. There is no Rudy.

Yes, sir. I'll break the news to
him first thing tomorrow morning.

No, sir, I won't lose sight of him.

Let me tell you something about athletes.

I mean, after a game,
we've got to relax, we gotta come down.

Unwind. My doctor told me. He said,

"Hey, Brewster.
Man, get a massage. Come down."

We were reading in a medical journal that
was left in the locker room the other day,

an article by this
Oriental doctor on massages.

See, we in the West
give a massage like this, you know.

And, uh, see, all the energy coming
from my hands is stopped by the fabric.

Apparently we in the West don't know that,
and we're massagin' for nothin'.

So his theory, and it's just a theory,

is that if you're nude and you get a
massage, that's the best thing for ya.

Good for your muscles, nude.

We're wonderin' maybe you might like
to, uh, try the theory nude with us.

- The four of us nude would be great!
- Oh, that would be fun.

- Massaging each other.
- Mmm-hmm.

I think they're kind of cute.

This one's especially cute.

Either you guys got a car?

- No.
- Got a bus!

- The Bulls' bus. The team bus.
- Bigger than a car.

Oh, much bigger and more fun,
because he's the party-meister, himself.

I'm the driver too.

- Why don't we start in a bus?
- Why don't we try the bus?

- Let's try the bus. Any left?
- We'll show you the bus.

Any left?

I'll try the bus.
A good place to start the evening off.

You're gonna love this. We have a
big-screen TV. Well, we haven't got it yet.

We got a space for a big-screen TV
I think you're gonna like.

You know...

Hi, guys.

Uh. Rudy! Hi, Rudy, buddy!

Get in the car
before I twist your head off.

I didn't do anything wrong, baby.

They tried to pick us up.

Bullshit!

Shut up! You too.
Get in the goddamned car!

- Don't wanna get in the car.
- Hey, I wouldn't do that.

- Uh, Rudy...
- Hey! Butt out, rag arm!

Let's go, guys.

Ha! We'll push your face!

Yeah, police?
This is Torchy's on J Street.

You'd better send somebody down here.
There's gonna be a fight.

Ooh!

Ow!

Why is it when there's trouble,
we're the ones that get into it?

There was a bar full of people.
We're the only ones in jail.

I don't think it's racial, you know,
because I'm in here with you.

That's comforting.

Hiya, fellas.

- Charley.
- Hey, Charley.

Look, I don't know what to say,
but I guess this is it.

Charley, we apologized.

Now cut the speeches,
and get us out of here, please.

I can't do it, kid. The front office is
washing its hands of you two.

There's no money for bail
and no money for your fines.

They gave the both of you
your unconditional releases.

That's just great.
Do they know what they're talking about?

We got one game left.
If we win today, we're in the play-offs!

It's simple. They don't want you guys.

Next year, they're going
with the college draft choices.

New talent. Young kids.

Hey, look at it this way, Brewster.

You're lucky. You got to be
a pro ballplayer for 15 years.

That's a lot more than most people get.

I'll see ya.

Brewster and Nolan.

Okay! You bozos are up to bat.

In here. Let's go!

Don't worry about a thing.
I'll take care of everything.

- I know this kind of stuff.
- Don't mess up.

Just smile.

Thank you very much.

Mr. Brewster and Mr. Nolan,
you're charged with assault and battery,

resisting arrest, and destruction
of private property.

How do you plead? Guilty or not guilty?

Oh, guilty but with a real good excuse.

You're gonna love it, really.
I think everyone here will.

I plead innocent.

You see, Your Honor, what you have here

with Mr. Brewster and myself,
is a couple of, well, local heroes, really.

We play for a local team. You might
have seen us. The Hackensack Bulls?

Perhaps you know the...
"Go, you Bulls, go."

Let's not waste the court's time.

I have depositions here
from over a dozen eyewitnesses.

Your Honor, we went into the bar to
have a drink, and we saw this nice lady,

and we asked her to sit with us to have
a drink, I didn't know she had a fiance.

- Who knew?
- Did you know?

- I didn't know. It wasn't public knowledge.
- I didn't know, either.

So you were making advances to a woman
who was clearly involved with another man.

You see, if you don't make calls,
you don't make any sales.

This man does not represent me,
Your Honor.

I would remove that
from the court records. I would...

I'm going to set your bail at $3,000.

Not bad.

- We don't have $3,000.
- We don't.

Bailiff, will you remove the prisoners?
Next case.

Your Honor, wait.
Please, before you send us to jail...

Look, I tried to defend myself.
The man hit me first.

With the permission of the court...

My name is J.B. Donaldo,

and I'm representing parties who
wish to remain anonymous at this time

and who have instructed me
to post bail for the defendants

or pay any fines levied
in case they plead guilty,

which I'm sure they will now do.

- Yeah. Who is he?
- It's the scout.

- Oh, yeah.
- I told you they want me.

- They want me. We're goin' to the big time!
- This is it.

- So where to, J.B.?
- New York.

New York? Yeehaw!

The Mets!

I knew it! I knew it!

There's no Mets in here! Wait a minute.

Don't go in there.
There's no Mets in this building!

I never said anything about the Mets.
Mr. Brewster did.

I was just hired
to find him and bring him here.

This is not a scout. He's a cop, Monty.
That's what he is.

He's a cop. Look at him.
Look at those cheap cop shoes,

cop face, cop hat, cop shirt, cop eyes!

Monty, the Mets don't want you, all right?

Hell, the Hackensack Bulls
don't even want ya.

Look, I ain't supposed
to tell you this, but here's who hired me.

Granville and Baxter. As far as I know, they
got nothin' to do with the Mets.

It's goin' great.

It's the Yankees.

- Mr. Brewster?
- Right.

- We've been expected you.
- The arm's okay.

- Beg your pardon?
- The operation was a success.

The arm's two years old now.

Follow me, please.

Wait for me.

Mr. Brewster's here.

- Mr. Brewster? I'm Ed Roundfield.
- Yeah.

This is Mr. George Granville.
Mr. Norris Baxter.

- How do you do?
- Hi.

How do you do?

Perhaps you'd better
sit down, Mr. Brewster.

What I'm about to tell you
may come as quite a shock.

No, sir. I don't want to sit down.
I want to hear this standing up.

- Have you ever heard the name Rupert Horn?
- Rupert Horn.

No. I bet he's someone
high up in the Yankee organization, right?

I'm afraid not, Mr. Brewster.
Rupert Horn was your great-uncle.

What's that got to do with baseball?

Rupert Horn quarreled
with his family back in the '30s.

He went out West.

They never heard from him again.
They thought he was dead.

But he didn't die until last month.

And by then, he was
one of the richest men in America.

And he bought a baseball team, right?

No, oil and real estate.

And you, Mr. Brewster, are the sole living
heir of your great-uncle, Rupert Horn.

I think it's only fair to tell Mr. Brewster
about the conditions of the will.

Brewster, greetings from the grave.

Don't look so surprised.

Didn't you know
your great-grandfather was a honky?

The old man married twice.
One wife, white, produced me.

One wife, black,
produced your grandmother.

A checkered family, you might say.

I've outlived them all, except you.

They tell me you're
my only living relative, Brewster.

And I got to say I'm very disappointed.
Look at you!

What have you made of yourself?
A failed baseball player.

I believe in being honest, Brewster.
No bullshit.

I'm stuck with you.

But we're going to have some fun.

Let me...

Let me tell you a little story, Brewster.

When I was seven years old,
my daddy caught me smokin' a cigar.

Locked me in the closet for
three days and three nights

with nothin' but
a box of cigars and a book of matches.

No food, Brewster.
No water, just those goddamned cigars.

Wouldn't let me out
until I finished every last one.

Taught me one hell of a lesson.

I'm going to do to you
what my daddy did to me.

I'm gonna teach you
to hate spending money.

I'm gonna make you
so sick of spending money

that the mere sight of it
will make you want to throw up.

So, here's my proposition.

You have 30 days in which
to spend 30 million bucks.

If you can do it, you get 300 million.

There's gotta be a catch.

Of course there's a catch.

You have to spend the 30 million,

but after 30 days, you're
not allowed to own any assets.

No houses, no cars, no jewelry,
nothin' but the shirt on your back.

Sounds easy, don't it?

Well, you'll find out!

No, no, no, no.

Now...

You can hire anybody you want, but you
got to get value for their services.

You can donate 5% to charity,

and you can gamble another 5% away,

but you can't give this money away.

And that includes buying the Hope Diamond
for some bimbo as a birthday present.

I know what you're thinking, Brewster.

You'll buy yourself a dozen Picassos
and use them for firewood, right?

Wrong! You must not destroy

what is inherently valuable.

That's instant disqualification.

Oh, yeah. I almost forgot.

You're not allowed to tell anybody
why you have to spend this money.

Why can't I tell my friends?

Because I don't want
anybody helpin' you out!

Nobody helped me out
in that closet with those cigars.

I never had any friends.

Well, Brewster, what do you think?
You got the balls for it?

I doubt it. That's why I put a
special wimp clause in my will.

You can have a million dollars,
right now, forget the whole thing.

Or you can go for the big one, Brewster.

The 300 million.

But if you fail,

you don't get diddly.

This is the million dollars
your great-uncle spoke about.

Oh, Jesus! I've never seen
that much money in my life!

We've investigated your background,
Mr. Brewster.

The highest salary
you've ever had is $11,000

for one season with the Toledo Mud Hens.

You've never had a credit card
in your entire life.

Think of spending
a million dollars a day for 30 days

with no assets to show for it.

It's quite difficult to spend money
without accumulating assets,

even when the money is spent foolishly.

Surely, no one could blame you for
refusing such an eccentric gamble.

That's good advice. Take the million.

It's yours!

What happens if I don't take
the million dollars and I,

I try for the whole thing and I fail?

Granville and Baxter would gain
power of attorney over the estate.

They would administer it
in some charitable fashion

for a considerable fee, I'm sure.

- What do you think?
- I don't benefit either way, Mr. Brewster.

I'm a completely neutral observer.

Whew. "Bird in the hand..."

That's what my grandmother used to say.

I'm gonna go for the 300 million.

When you appear before us again in 30 days,
Mr. Brewster, you must be totally penniless,

without assets of any kind,

having nothing but the receipt for your
expenses and the clothes on your back.

Are you certain
you want to do this, Mr. Brewster?

No, sir, I'm not certain,
but I'm gonna have a lot of fun findin' out.

Send Drake up here immediately.

Good luck, sir.
You're due back in 30 days.

Gentlemen, shall we say...

...12:00 midnight exactly?

We're going to assign
one of our paralegals

from the accounting department to keep track
of your expenditures and receipts.

Does this guy Drake know
about the 300 million?

All Drake knows
is that you've inherited $30 million

which must be precisely accounted for.

You tell Drake the truth, you'll automatically
lose the entire inheritance.

I ain't tellin' Drake shit.
My lips are sealed.

Lock them.
Throw away the key. "Hello, Drake."

This is the way I'll talk.
"How are you doing, Drake?"

Miss Drake. This is Mr. Brewster,
the client we briefed you about.

Oh, yes, Mr. Brewster.
It's very nice to meet you.

- Damn. It doesn't rain, it pours.
- I beg your pardon?

The $30 million is deposited
in a bank across the street.

I imagine you'd like to make sure it's
real and possibly make a withdrawal.

- Yeah, I'd like to make sure it's real.
- Step this way, please.

- Hey, good luck.
- Yes, sir.

- Spike! Spike!
- What's wrong? What's wrong?

- What's wrong? Are you all right?
- Spike! Spike!

- You look like you've seen a ghost!
- I did! But I'm not.

I'm okay. It's gonna be great.

We're gonna be back on the team.

- In fact, I may own the team.
- What?

Yeah, I'm gonna be
a little crazy for a while.

But I'm not crazy.
People gonna think I'm crazy.

You stick with me, you're my buddy.

- You work here?
- No. No. They just hired me to follow you.

Would you like to work for more money
than you ever made in your life?

I mean, it's a job. It's gonna be...

I gotta check out something,
see if it's real first. Are you interested?

- Yeah! You kiddin'?
- Bring your camera.

- Come on.
- What are you talking...

Would you mind fillin' me in
on what the hell is going on?

What's wrong?
What did they do to you in there?

What do you mean,
what did they do to me in there?

I think I just inherited $30 million!

Oh, is that all?
I thought we did something wrong.

$30 million.
Why didn't you tell me $30 million?

$30 million? You kiddin' me?

Like I'm gonna take money
from my best friend.

Things like this just
don't happen every day!

This is incredible news! $30 million!

The man just got $30 million given to him.
This is a good day.

We're always gonna remember this day.

$30 million! That makes us rich!
Well, not us. It makes him rich.

What a great day we're havin'! Me?

He's havin' a wonderful day!

But I'm havin' a good time too!
I'm his best friend.

Jesus!

This is real... Money.

Oh, we're gonna have
a lot of fun with this kind of money.

This is the real deal.

It is, indeed, Mr. Brewster.

Now let's not be rash with
our newfound money.

Right.

Jake, I'd like to hire you
as my official photographer.

- Salary $10,000 a week.
- $10,000 a week? This guy's a jerk!

Hey, shut up. I accept.

Hey, hold still for the camera,
Mr. Brewster.

Not bad for a guy that didn't finish his first
year of college, wouldn't you say?

Oh, you're doing great, but, uh,

I don't think you inherited me
with your money, Mr. Brewster.

Needless to say, we'll be offering you
the special 24% interest rate

we reserve for major corporations
and a few of our Arab friends.

I don't want any interest!

I want it in a regular account
that doesn't pay anything.

After all, it's your vault.
I should be paying you rent.

- Very good, Mr. Brewster.
- But Mr. Brewster...

You'd be giving up $7.2 million
a year just in interest alone!

Because I'm rich doesn't mean I should take
advantage of people. Am I right?

Oh, yes. Right you are, Mr. Brewster.

I'd like to get $3 million in cash
now and take it with me.

$3 million? You know how much
money $3 million in cash is?

You don't walk around
the street with $3 million!

- You'd need an army of security guards.
- The man's right.

What do they pay you here?

About 350 a week before taxes.

You can't live on that.
This is a dangerous job!

I'll pay you $2,000 a week
to be the chief of my security.

- No-no-no-no-no.
- Oh, yes. That's wrong. Okay.

$4,000 a week.

And you get 20 other guys,
and I'll pay 'em $3,000 a week.

You missed the point.

Now go in there and get
the $3 million and follow me!

Yes, sir!

Everybody, follow me!

Monty, listen to me.
This is Spike, your old pal.

You don't do things like that!

Put it in a T-bill. Is that so wrong?

Listen to me. What are you doin'?

I'll tell you what's goin' on...

- You don't even know those people!
- They're gonna think I'm crazy.

But I'm not. You got to stick with me,
'cause this is it!

- This is the way we're gonna beat the system!
- What system?

The baseball system! You got more heart
than any catcher I've ever worked with, man.

And I can get anybody out
for three innings, anybody!

And with this inheritance, man,
this is our ticket to the big leagues!

- You understand? You with me?
- No!

- Well, yeah!
- Well, let's go!

That's right.
That's right Take some pictures.

I want everything on film.
I need a record of it.

For what?

Strike!

Watch the goddamn ball, Johnson!

You're not a farmer! You don't have
to swing at shit in the dirt!

What? Collect call from who?

Switchboard says it's Brewster.

He's callin' me from jail.

- Just what I need.
- Tell him he owes me 200 bucks.

Yeah, I'll accept the call.

Charley, I'm not drunk. I'm in New York,
and I just inherited 30 million bucks.

I'm about to go
into negotiations to buy the team.

Actually, I'm gonna rent the team.

- Ball!
- What kind of a crap play is that?

- Wilson, you idiot!
- You're out!

You don't steal second
when you're down two runs!

Brewster, do me a favor.
Go crazy on your own time and charges.

This whole team's going to shit,
and we're gonna miss the play-offs.

I ain't in the mood for no jokes!

That's why I love you, Charley.

And that's why I'm gonna raise your salary.
Because I love your dedication.

Charley, I'm gonna get
the team new uniforms,

a team bus with air conditioning and a TV!

And we're arrange it
so that we can play the New York Yankees!

Right. Right. Okay, just tell me
one thing, Mr. Millionaire.

You're so rich,
why are you calling collect?

They gave me $100 bills, Charley.

I had to rent this quarter
from my accountant.

Yeah, I know. It's a big problem.
Nighty-night, sweet prince.

Nighty-night? Charley!
He doesn't believe me.

Thanks for the loaning of the quarter.

- Wow! Now, that's really nice.
- Oh, it's beautiful.

But there is no way
I can see spending over

a couple hundred thousand dollars
for something you wear around your neck.

You know how many
hungry people that could feed?

Let's go to lunch.

Yo! Taxi!

- Who the hell is that?
- Monty Brewster, the richest guy in the world.

And I work for him.

Monty who?

How would you like to be my personal driver
for the next 30 days at $5,000 a week?

You want to hire
a piece of shit car for $5,000 a week?

- Cash!
- What a country!

America, I love it!

Mr. Brewster, you could hire
a fleet of limousines for that money!

She's right.
You know where to hire limousines?

Yeah.

All right. I want you to hire me three of the
most expensive limousines with drivers,

and bring the receipts
and give 'em to Miss Drake.

- Yes, sir!
- We go to lunch now.

Hey! Everybody!
Anybody want to go to lunch?

I'm buying.

Yeah!

- I want pictures of this!
- Buzz off. I'm his personal photographer.

Hey, what's this? Screw you!
This is a free country!

What are you... Here. Focus on that!

Come on, Spike!

Wait for me, pal! Wait for me!

Hey...

- Taxi!
- Taxi!

- What's your name?
- Melvin.

- Melvin, give him $500.
- Yes, sir.

- Look at all that money!
- You have the most beautiful eyes.

Mr. Brewster, I have been
hired to keep your accounts

for the next 30 days,
and that's the extent of my services.

Uh, to where is our destination?

Monty! How are you doin', pal?

- Give me that.
- Watch it! Watch the lens!

Chump, I'm Spike! We're right behind ya!

That's Spike. We're buddies.
We're all together.

I'll buy you a cab later, huh?

Two hundred people at a $100 a head.

No. We're hungry. $200 a head!

And, uh, what's your most
expensive wine you have?

Oh, that's the Chateau Lafite 1961.
It's $400 a bottle.

You guys like Lafite?

Yeah!

Excuse my expression,
but you think I'm a real asshole, don't ya?

A country bumpkin that flashes his money
around like some big shot?

- I'm your accountant. I'm not your judge.
- What college you go to?

I don't see that that has
anything to do with anything.

Come on, give me a break.

All I want to know
is what college you went to.

- All right. I went to Loyola. That's in...
- Loyola.

Chicago
I know the city, and I know the college.

You wanna put that back?

And the ashtray.

Why don't you go sit somewhere else?

Why don't you get off my back?

And why don't you
use your fork, not your fingers.

- That's how it's usually done. Yeah.
- Oh, is that right?

Boss found a job for you yet, by the way?
Like designated eater?

Look, I don't want a job. I'm his friend.

What's that pay?

Why don't you
let me hire someone to do that for you,

and we could have a lot of fun tonight.

Oh, that's very flattering,
but I'm meeting my fiance.

Who's the lucky guy?

Warren Cox. He's a junior partner
at Granville and Baxter.

- Is he a lawyer too?
- He's not just a lawyer.

He's involved with the Sierra Club,
anti-nuclear movement, UNICEF.

- And he's a sincere feminist.
- I bet.

But a guy like that with so many activities,
where's he find the time for you?

It's hard sometimes.

- But we're trying to do more things together.
- I'd like to meet him sometime.

- He's a very busy man.
- I'd pay him for his time.

I don't think so.

I know you think you can buy up
everything and everybody in the world,

but I doubt
that you could ever buy Warren.

This is Chuck Fleming,
Action News, in midtown Manhattan.

Now arriving at
the Plaza Hotel is Montgomery Brewster,

minor league baseball pitcher
who earlier today

inherited $30 million tax-free

and is still celebrating.

Mr. Brewster, what are you going to
do with all that money?

Uh, spend it! No, just kidding.

I'm forming a corporation tonight,
and tomorrow morning we go into business.

What kind of business
is that, Mr. Brewster?

What kind of business?
As you know, my business is baseball.

But since I've inherited $30 million,
I have to expand and branch out.

I've always had a soft spot
in my heart for artists and, uh,

painters, writers, inventors...
And I'm gonna form this business.

And I want everybody to get a shot.

I don't care if you've been turned
down a thousand times, I'm hiring!

How many people have you
hired already, Mr. Brewster?

Uh, well, I think you should ask
my senior vice president, uh, Spike Nolan!

- Yeah. Spike. I'm paying him...
- Ha!

...$100,000 a month to figure that out.

100,000! Did you hear? 100,000 a month!

Chuck Fleming!

- Hey, are we on the air now? Is this workin'?
- Yes. Right there.

Can I say something to all the people
who thought I was a loser, Chuck?

Sure.

Thanks, Chuck! Hey, Monty! Monty!

That was Spike Nolan,
he's the catcher for the Hackensack Bulls.

Mr. Brewster, I would love to
accommodate you and your friends,

but the top two floors
have already been reserved.

They'll be occupied
within the next two weeks.

- How much are they paying?
- $100,000 a week.

- Oh.
- Wow. Mister, uh...

- Carter.
- Mr. Carter.

I like your hotel.
My friends like your hotel.

- You like this hotel?
- I like this hotel. I love it.

He loves it too.

Listen. I'll tell you what.
For the next month,

I'll pay you...

$1 million in cash.

Sign here, please.

Hey, Melvin.
How are they hanging, my friend?

Hey, you look good. Real big league.

- Nice, huh?
- They're in the bedroom.

Thanks for your help.

Monty! Hey, old Monty, old pal!

- Hey, pal, get a load of this, huh?
- Get a load of...

What do you think? I found it all in one
shop, from the shoes all the way up to this.

This was made for Johnny Bench.

He didn't pick it up,
so they gave it to me.

A catcher's mask!

- Oh, Monty, I can't thank you enough.
- It's, uh...

- What do you think, huh?
- Hey!

- They just made that for you?
- Yeah.

Wow. Honest? Too conservative for me.

- Too... What are you talking...
- For me!

- This is the new Spike Nolan here.
- I know, but this is great.

Well, great on you,
but great is your accountant.

Very nice.

Yeah, she's nice,
but she thinks I'm a lowlife.

- I can understand that.
- Get out of here! What are you talkin' about?

Gentlemen, do you think I'm a lowlife?

Oh, no, Mr. Brewster.

- Not with these clothes.
- See what I mean?

Ooh, and you listen to these people?

Hey, look at all the suits I got.

Now, look.
I know that this is none of my business,

but at the rate you're going,
you'll have spent

your entire inheritance in less than a month,
and you'll have nothing to show for it.

Excuse me, sir. There's a Mr. Warren Cox
here to see Miss Drake.

- Mr. Cox?
- Warren! How you doing?

- Monty Brewster. Pleased to meet you.
- Hello.

I've heard so much about you.

My God. I hear you're a swell fellow.
We're drinking some champagne.

- Hello, dear.
- Hi.

That's sweet. I'll get this.
Is it raining out?

Not at the moment, but you never know.

Better safe than sorry.
That's my philosophy too.

- Uh, have a drink.
- Oh, thank you. No, I don't drink alcohol.

Uh-oh. We're going to be late
for that benefit.

- Benefit?
- Yes.

It's the Committee to Ban Contact Sports.

Studies have shown sanctioned violence has
a detrimental effect on our young people,

so I do a little legal work
for the committee.

You guys ain't messin' around
with baseball, are you?

Baseball? No, no.
Boxing, football, ice hockey...

- You know, the truly barbaric sports.
- Oh.

I'd like to make a small contribution,
if I may.

You know,
I think we're gonna be very late.

Darling, this is what the benefit
is for, to raise money.

In a sense,
we're at the benefit, right now.

And so am I. $100,000 okay?

$100,000? Thank you, very, very much.

Here, have a drink.

Thank you. I will.

Warren, you don't even drink.

- Well, one little sip won't hurt, dear.
- That's right.

Mmm.

This is a really wonderful suite
you have, Mr. Brewster.

- I'm glad you like it.
- Yes. Oh, look at that.

Two Louis XVI chairs
with a good tapestry fabric.

That's a nice attempt
at a classic French piano.

Marie Therese chandelier...

Yeah, I see what your
decorator was trying to do here.

There's a definite continuity
to all the elements in the room.

Personally, I'd of done
a few things differently, but...

- Mr. Cox, you know so much about this stuff.
- Well...

My ex-wife Marilyn's a decorator,
and a lot of it rubbed off on me.

- You know, you could really help me out.
- How's that?

Well I'd like for you
to redecorate my offices.

I'd pay you, of course. Uh, $250,000?

- I don't know what to say.
- Say yes.

Mr. Brewster, I'm a lawyer.

I'm sure New York is full of decorators who
would die for that kind of opportunity.

Really, this is so out of left field,
to use a metaphor from your profession.

If you think the job's
too big for you to handle, just say no.

No.

I mean, I'm not saying no. Not at all.
I'm not saying that.

Warren, you're a lawyer.
You are not a decorator!

There's nothing wrong
with being a decorator.

Marilyn makes a rather good living at it.

- That's it! Marilyn, she could help you.
- What?

I'd pay her $100,000,
if that's not an insult.

Well, I'd have to ask her,
but, uh, I think she'd be delighted.

I mean, you were telling me
how you never get to see your fiance.

This way, you get to see him every day.

- Just trying to be helpful.
- Mmm-hmm.

And what about your job
at the firm and our honeymoon?

- Well, it would only be for a couple of weeks.
- Couple of weeks.

We've got a whole lifetime
for our honeymoon.

A whole lifetime.

- It's been a pleasure meeting you. Monty?
- Warren.

Angela wanted me to phone up
from the lobby, but, no,

I thought would come up here
and meet you, mano-a-mano.

- I'm glad I did.
- Warren, me too.

- Let's go, Warren.
- You're leaving? Oh, goodness, no.

Hey, wait a minute!

- Better safe than sorry.
- Good night, Mr. Brewster.

Hey, call me Monty. Warren does.

Hey, let me get the door.

- Thank you. Yes. I will.
- And you drive careful.

- Good night. Nice meeting you.
- Good night.

Nice meeting you.

Now that was a real asshole!

You want a month off
to be Mr. Brewster's interior decorator?

I, uh, realize that it's
a rather unorthodox request,

but it's an incredible opportunity.

He actually wants me
to start working for him this morning

in, uh, about 20 minutes.

How much is he paying you?

A quarter of million dollars, sir.

Yes, we understand
that kind of opportunity.

I think a leave of absence
can be arranged.

As I'm sure you know,

Mr. Horn was our most important client.

And the firm is naturally concerned with

how Mr. Brewster
conducts himself with his inheritance.

If you're in his employ,

it could make it easier for us
if you could act as our eyes and ears.

Absolutely. No problem.

My first loyalty
would always be to the firm.

- Hmm.
- Hmm. Keep us posted.

Oh, and don't mention this conversation
to Miss Drake or anyone else.

Oh, of course not. No.

And thank you.

Thank you both very much.

- Good morning, Melvin.
- Good morning, Mr. Brewster.

- Here's the money. You think I'm crazy?
- Crazy?

- Of course not.
- Let's go do business.

- Hi, Monty. Big day ahead, pal.
- Okay. Great.

Let's do some business,
and kick some butt around here!

- All right. Let's kick some butt around here!
- What?

- What? Who the hell are you?
- Who the hell are you?

Who the hell am I? I'm Morty King,
king of the mimics, that's who!

Anything you say
I guarantee it'll be repeated.

I'm like an X-Erox machine.

- No, Warren. Hold it more to the left.
- Your left or my left?

Oh, look, there's Warren.
That must be Marilyn. Hey!

- You just watch your mouth.
- You just watch your mouth.

Don't you remember
anything I ever taught you?

It's my left. It's always my left.

It's the decorator's left.

- Hey.
- Watch out!

Oh, Warren! Oh, are you okay?

- Oh. Ah.
- Oh, God. Be careful.

- Hi. I'm Monty Brewster.
- Monty Brewster?

How do you do?
I've heard so much about you.

Please, may I call you Monty?

- Of course.
- Of course.

Oh, Monty, I have the
most wonderful idea for you.

I am going to do for you
a postmodern fantasy in here.

- Oh, I knew this was a terrible idea.
- What are you saying?

You don't like the postmodern
fantasy look?

- Shut your eyes, and see Mesopotamia...
- Mesopotamia.

- Meeting Busby Berkeley.
- Yes, that sounds...

- Yes. It's a knockout.
- It's a knockout.

We're gonna knock out the walls too.

- Every one. Everywhere.
- Every one. Everywhere.

- Spare no expense.
- Spare no expense.

Will you shut up?

It's only for a month, darling.

And it's going to be a very long month.

- Get... Get four sets.
- Get... Get four sets.

Wonderful. Fine. Fine.

Oh, Angela. Angela.
Please, I need to speak to you. Please.

Angela, did Warren tell you
that I have decided,

as my wedding gift to you two, I am going
to decorate your apartment for free.

That's great, Marilyn.

- Thank you.
- Pas de quoi.

Mr. Brewster, I'm a real good manicurist.

Spike, You know what I'd like you to do?

- What's that?
- Choke this guy.

My pleasure.

Come on, asshole!

I'll give you a line on anything.

Baseball, basketball,
football, the ponies.

Whatever you want!

Come on with me.

I gotta stop here at my desk
and get my messages.

Excuse me. Pardon me. Please, sir.

I'd like to call
your attention to this area right here.

This is the Arabian desert.
It is a dry as a bone.

It's a place where a glass of ice water
can cost $5.00 a glass, sir.