Bleak Future (1997) - full transcript
The end is here. Civilization has collapsed. Technology has been forgotten, and History is Hearsay. Slangman is the smartest man in the known world. Together with the mute, spear-wielding Scotsman known as Atlatl and the beautiful yet dim actress, Femme, he must find The Source, a legendary oracle of ancient technology. But the evil archaeologist Dr. Obvious conspires with the sinister mutant bounty hunter Malathion Man to reach The Source first.
23.976 fps
Narrator - Greetings, Survivors.
and welcome to The
Way The World Ended -
the living video chronicle
of the destruction of mankind
and of our Planet Earth
in the early 21st century.
For more information on what you see
please feel free to touch
the screen at any time.
When the presentation has ended,
please follow the
on-screen instructions
in order to expedite your rescue.
Let's begin now.
Wise guy eh?
Come on. Give me one, right here.
Come on!
Come on, hit me.
Come on!
Slangman: Mutants.
Genetically twisted
offshoots of the human race.
They all wanted my book
because my book had words.
They thought it was magic.
I let them believe it.
But that was how I made my living.
Slangman!
Slangman!
Slangman -
You're just in time
to join us for dinner.
We're having sand.
Thank you but no, Your Flatulency.
I hunger not.
How long it been since you come
and bring us good
things to make us smart?
It has been one standard
year, Your Insolence.
I have been on caravan in the south,
collecting a number of
new archaeological items
that perhaps you may find to be of
commercial viability.
I have some new shit.
Goodie, goodie!
New shit! Show me! Show me!
Behold...
''Charmin!''
What dat for?
Well, uh, polishing chrome, I suppose.
''Chrome?''
Would you like to know the
definition of the word ''chrome?''
Yes!
Five batteries please.
Yes, you like batteries, don't you?
I like Charmin.
The definition of the word ''chrome...''
''Noun.''
''Chrome.''
''Chromium or chromium alloy.''
Beautiful.
Don't squeeze the Charmin!
Slangman...
How much for the book?
Well, Your Bestiflity,
I'm afraid my book is not for sale.
Slangman, I won't repeat myself again.
How much for the book?
How much for the book!?
My book, Your Debauchery,
is the last one in existence.
And like I said, is not for sale.
Arrrgh! Human dog! I take what I wish!
I am king here!
And I am Slangman!
The most intelligent
man in the Known World!
How DARE you threaten
me, you wretched...
insolent...
...mutant!
KILL HIM ALIVE!
Stand back!
I'm holding...
a grenade!
Bring me that book!
Bring me that book!
Great omnipotence!
He's found THE SOURCE!
Hey!
You there!
Friday!
Narrator - Our story
begins in the year 2009,
which was the year the
peoples of the Earth
had finally achieved true world peace.
A newly-revitalized United Nations
passed the Global Freedom
and Equality Act soon after
ensuring every citizen of the world
those same civil liberties
and standards of living
enjoyed by those of
free western Nations.
2011 was the year in
which a unified body
of world scientists
discovered the X-vaccine,
which wiped out every
last form of disease
from cancer on down to the common cold.
Later that same year,
global warming was reversed,
the tropical rainforests
were replenished,
and the ozone layer was repaired.
One year Later, in 2012,
world peace had so
benefitted the economies and
growths of the Earth's Nations,
the leaders of the world
unanimously voted to undertake
the most massive effort
in world history towards
a lasting global peace...
they ratified a world government.
And they called it the
United Nations of Earth.
Say that again.
< grunt >
Once more.
Again?
I see.
Open your mouth.
Thank you. You may close your mouth.
I have come to the distinct conclusion,
that you, my little beast friend,
have no tongue
and therefore, you cannot speak.
So... what is your name?
I see.
So... what would you
like me to call you?
Oh come come, don't waste my time.
You need a name.
I can't just run around calling
you ''Idiot Boy,'' now can I?
I shall now think of a name for you...
You're good with spears...
You're a savage...
You wear a skirt.
Don't have a temper with me, you savage,
you idiot boy!
Now until you can think of a better one,
I shall call you ''ATLATL.''
It is the ancient American word
meaning ''spear with great leverge. ''
Now once more...
Where did you find this?
Couldn't you at least draw it for me?!
What, north?
You're pointing north?
North?
To the north?
You mean, THAT north?
Mutants.
Damn.
Damn.
He was a man, yet he was a beast.
He was a true idiot boy
in every sense of the word.
He could not speak,
yet he was able to tell me
through much painstaking translation
of his grunts and groans
of how he came into
possession of this golden disc.
He was a slave in north
and his master was a wicked mutant
who was in search of THE SOURCE.
Nobody had ever seen The Source,
but it said that he who found it
found an oracle of eternal knowledge.
The mutant cut out his tongue,
but the savage escaped in the night.
He took the disc with
him and headed south.
He sought me out because
he believed The Source
could give him back his tongue
and he had heard of my quest
and of the whispered rumours
of my awesome intelligence.
They're not rumors
Now with the savage, I headed north...
even deeper into the
Great sand Nothing...
Far, far from any human settlement.
Farther north than I had ever been.
North to the Source!
This idiot boy would lead
me to where he found the disc
and The Source would have to be near.
The Source was said
to contain a thousand
of these golden discs,
and each of them contained
a thousand times more knowledge
than my precious book.
I sought that knowledge
since I was a child.
Perhaps he could not
fully grasp its power,
but his killing prowess
would prove useful,
I was certain, should I
run into any more mutants...
...or nomads.
Hail and good morning to you.
may we pass through?
Say what?
I Say, may we pass through here?
No, piss off.
I'm afraid we're going to have
to bargain with these fellows.
No! Don't do that. We can't fight.
We have to bargain. ''BAR-GAIN.''
Now you safy close and watch me.
I'll show you how a civilized
person gets things done.
Hey you! Shithead!
What?
Not you, I'm talking to HIM.
But MY name is Shithead!
Fine! Go suck a rock! Hey YOU!
I would like to propose -
Oh! Marriage? I can't marry you.
You're not my type. Much too hairy.
Oh! Propose a toast?
Sorry, I don't drink.
I used to, until I pissed
out that big rock up there.
It's magical, you know.
Protects the tribe, keeps us warm,
and wards off evil spirits.
Yes yes, that's Great. Spare me!
Now listen.
I would like to propose a bargain.
A bargain?
Yes, a ''bar-gain.''
You and your tribe move your camp
and paraphernalia out of
the way just long enough
for my servant and I to pass through...
In return, I'll give you,
absolutely free,
this wonderful, magical,
highly useful and practical
egg beater.
But I've got one.
What's ''praphernalia?''
Look here now, I'll give
you the egg beater AND
AND I'll give you
this completely utilitarian,
positively pragmatic
one-of-a-kind
can of... uh
biodegradeable, uh, carbonated
pseudoformula.
Is that a grenade?
No... It's a ''soda.''
Do you eat it?
You drink it.
You open it from the top, here,
and hold it to your lips
and presto! Out it comes!
And you drink it.
Why would you want to drink a grenade?
It is not a grenade! It's a soda!
It's a grenade! Grenade!
Grenade! Grenade!
Shut up! Shut up!
It is just a soda!
A drink!
You drink it! Get it?
Whenever you feel thirsty you
just open it up and drink it!
But I'm never thirsty.
Well you may become thirsty,
What with all this walking
around in the desert all the time.
This isn't a desert.
What!?
It's a swamp.
It's a swamp. You betcha.
Swamp? Swamp, Swamp Swamp...
The nomads would simply not move.
I wanted to keep negotiating,
but the savage would have none of it.
He slew them brutally, as
is the way of his peoples.
I stood upon the high rocks
and looked out at the last green lands
I would ever see.
Somewhere out there in
the mutant wastelands,
my destiny awaited me.
The weight of the world was in my hands.
I was the last hope for mankind.
< eerie whistling sound from spray tank >
Under the new world government,
mankind flourished.
All the world was finally happy.
And as an effort to bring
the people of the world
into the final embodiment
of global unity,
leading scientists were
assembled to undertake
a massive, worldwide experiment.
At Lunar Labs, Dr. Theodore Wegener
developed what had become known as
the Pangaea Project
A network of orbital
satellites which used an array
of powerful gravity beams
to induce continental drift.
The ultimate goal...
to bring the continents
of Earth together
into one single supercontinent,
called New Pangaea.
Creating a world without borders,
and bringing the
brotherhood of man together
on one big happy landmass.
I'm clean
You should jump on me
Like a shit shake for mom
Like a ham on rye
Like
Oh yeah...
A ham on rye
What'll you have?
Coffee.
Hey baby, how about you buy me a drink?
Yuck...!
John, I can't live with you no more.
Linda, don't leave me. I need you.
John, I found, I found the pictures.
Linda, Linda, Linda, not the pictures.
John, how could you?
Um, she was hardly a... um, a yearling.
Dammit!
I couldn't help my Damn self!
It was my loins!
They ached for love and affliction!
John, you're a no-good,
scum-filching bastard.
bastard!
Bitch!
bastard!
Bitch!
bastard!
Bitch!
From out of the deserts bowels she came.
A fountain of bliss.
A pantheon of goddesses
all shaped with perfect fiery perfection
into one single, magnificent beauty.
It was then for the first time
that I knew that I had known
love.
Hello?
Miss Horusa?
Miss Femme?
Are you in?
that must be for me, it's my chocolates!
What do you want?
Greetings. My name is Slangman,
and I wanted to give these to...
Fine. Thanks.
What are you?
Some sort of celebrity stalker?
No maDam, I am Slangm-
Look, goober, strict policy
No autographs! Beat it!
Oooh! Shiny!
Put that down! It's sharp!
Just give it to me!
can I have some more please?
Femme! Stop! I mean it
this time. Just stop.
Hi stalker! Come to kill me? Great!
Go ahead kill me!
I'm ready to die for my art!
Aren't you the goober we told to leave?
How much do you want for her?
How much do I want for what?
Her! Your acting partner.
How much?
How much do I want for HER?
You want to BUY Femme?
You are a sick man.
How much?
It's sparkly and pretty. I love it!
Well, I'd be out an
acting partner for the show
and that's my whole livelihood.
Then again I'd miss those...
deep political conversations.
How much?
3000 d-cells. Up front.
that's a lot of money.
It's a lot of woman.
What if I gave you
something more valuable
than money?
Like what?
And just look at that whipped cream!
See it? Three holes!
And it has a shelf
life of over 8000 years!
You don't even have to eat it!
You could just -
I could wear it around my neck!
I could put it by the dresser!
I could wear it in my hair! I could -
Dance around it naked!
Delicious!
Hey, where are we going?
Put me down.
I've been an actress
ever since I can remember
which isn't that far back
but I think I was born when I was five
because my feet are bigger than my hands
Fascinating.
Would you like to see
a picture of my mother?
I would love to.
I don't think this is your mother.
You don't think so?
You know, you're not only very beautiful
you're incredibly intelligent
much like
myself.
You know, I have people
tell me that all the time
You know... two plus two equals three
Excedrin, Excedrin
Anyways, so what are
you gonna do with me
now that I'm your personal sex slave?
Sex slave?
You aren't my slave, my love.
You're free.
Free to do what you want, any ole time.
I don't OWN you. No one does.
Say that again slow.
You... are... free.
Nobody rides for free!
Don't call me a pony!
She enticed me with
her tricks of the mind.
Well anyways, you know, my
dad, had like this eyeball,
that like, grew out of his butt.
Yet her love brought
water to my dry pastures
And that night, she inspired
me to an ominous dream...
No! No! Not that one!
The dream AFTER that one!
After!
I dreamed I had crossed the desert.
I was carrying a heavy black box,
with a window.
And I looked into the
window and saw something
something wonderful
I was inside of The Source!
And all of the knowledge
of the ancient world
was standing before me in giant towers
Books like mine for as
far as the eye could see
But right before it ended,
I turned around
and saw a man.
Ham on rye, Slangman?
How would you like some
ham on rye?
And this man... would destroy the world
And this man
was me.
My brilliance.
She even sleeps beautifully.
What the hell are you doing!?
Your hair!
I bought
a bald woman.
I'm not bald. Where are we going?
North! North! Okay?
I can't believe I bought a bald woman.
You know, I like you or something.
Great.
You're smart.
??? The boundaries of my
mind are in-fie-nite.
So, what's your name?
Slangman!
As in Slang... man as in ''SLANGMAN''
as in MAN OF SLANG, got it?
that's a stupid name.
I happen to like it!
I don't care what you think!
You know what YOUR name means?
What's ''Slangman'' mean?
I can't believe that you
have no idea who I am.
I am THE Slangman.
I sell words. I sell knowledge.
I profit off the stupidity of the world,
and you're Damn lucky I'm
not profiting off of you!
I was just trying to be nice,
you didn't have to pull off my hair,
you dickmo.
Well you're doing a
good job, aren't you?
Look, you're free now.
Why don't you just run along
and find yourself a nice bald man?
You hate me!
Yes!
Hey... Femme...
I don't ''hate'' you.
You don't?
No. Okay?
Okay.
Better?
Better.
You sure?
Great. I have something for you.
Wow! what's it Say?
It Says ''At least you
have a Great personality,
''Best regards, Slangman''
Oh Thank you Slangman!
that's so nice of you!
I've never had anything
like this before!
Pangaea Project fever is alive and well
down here in Baja Mexico.
We're all waiting for the
satellite waves to hit.
The waves are due to
hit in about ten minutes.
They're gonna fire lasers
right down into the planet.
Bring everyone ''closer together.''
Bells are ringing, children are singing.
Guess what?
Bob Rock doesn't Hear
it. Is Bob Rock deaf?
I don't know why this is happening.
It's ridiculous! France
is fine where it is!
To hell with all of this
cultural blending bullshit anyhow!
I knew we must be getting
close to The Source.
The further north we went,
the more peculiar and
Dangerous the world got.
< < SWIMMING PROHIBITED > >
Every day was a new test of will
as if the ghosts of
the ancients themselves
were out to stop me
And it seemed that no matter how long
or how far we walked
we were never any closer to The Source
Until one day.
I'm cold.
Shut up.
I'm hungry.
Quiet!
I'm cold, I'm hungry,
and I have to go pee!
Will you please be quiet!
My mind is working!
Slangman... is that the
Whatever you called it
Source thingamajigger thingy?
Behold!
All the world was doomed to the
flames of prescription!
Woe be to ye!
Woe be to your offspring!
Woe be to your offsprings'
voodoo love rituals!
Who are you?
What do you want of us?
You do this... for a living?
that's right baby!
You just met Brother Alfonze, baby!
man of hair, man of face, man of art
man of power, power, power!
Out of my way, you child
I have an important mission to carry out
You have a date with
doom, Brother Slangman.
You know my name!
Surely the stories of
my exploits are not heard
this far north!
Sit, brother, on my
lawn chairs of power.
And all will become known.
You got a place to go pee?
Around back. Dig a hole.
Let mother Nature do the rest.
Look, I don't have time
to sit around here all day
on your lousy little lawn chairs.
Tell me how you know my name.
The Brother Alfonze knows all,
sees all,
tastes all
with his wicked tongue of power.
Oh yeah?
Then what's HIS name?
McDougal.
Ha! You're wrong! It's ''Atlatl!''
You're nothing but a charlatan!
A sham!
We're going!
Hold it son.
If you want The Source,
then you stand to chap my hide.
YOU know of The Source?
I do.
It is guarded by The Electrified Dune.
The Electrified Dune?
Once again the knowledge
of Brother Alfonze
seems to be greater than that of
good brother Handstand man.
that's ''SLANG'' man.
And don't even think that you
are smarter than me.
Because you're not.
The electrified dune is
a mighty chunk of land
that lies before the Source, Making
it unreachable to man or muffin.
You ever smoked... sand?
The sand will shock the
soles of your feet, baby,
and your soul from your soul's vessel,
the almighty body.
Electricity in the sand!
Bah!
that is but a simple obstacle
for the magnitude of my intellect.
There must be some way to cross this
''Electrified Dune. ''
baby, baby, baby,
The Source is not meant to be disturbed.
that's ludicrous!
Everything is meant to be disturbed!
The Source is the last fragment
of an old dead world, brother.
We find ourselves in a new one
in a fresh one
in a world of power, power, power!
To rediscover the knowledge
that the Ancients had perfected
Hey! Those are my clothes!
is to rediscover our own
heritage as human beings!
Rubber!
leave it be, brother! leave it be!
Everything is corroding to the plan!
Mother Nature took a
big black shit on man
and man ain't in no
position to shit back.
The Source holds dark
and Dangerous secrets
that this world cannot
possibly comprehend.
Oh yes? Well comprehend THIS!
We're doomed... We're doomed!
The Pangaea Project
was a total disaster.
mankind had never experienced such death
and destruction on so massive a scale.
The gravity beams from the
satellites shredded coastlines,
pushing continents much too far,
much too fast.
Mountains folded,
titanic rifts in the crust opened up,
and whole continents sank into the sea.
The world government
instantly collapsed,
and within hours, 45
Nations launched full-scale
nuclear strikes against each other.
On one single day, November 1, 2013,
ten thousand years of human civilization
was wiped from the face of the Earth.
Is this or is this not
the place you escaped from?
Then the Source MUST be nearby.
Brother Alfonze, you and Atlatl
will wait here and make camp.
Femme and I are going to take
a look around those dunes.
Here. Hang on to this.
If I am not back in one
hour, come looking for me.
Why do I have to go too?
Because!
Okay.
One hour.
Mutants.
Damn.
has it been an hour?
Hour?
Hour?
So what you're Saying is
that the world is this big round ball
and it's round and stuff.
that is exactly what I said.
But here's where I gotcha okay?
If the world is this big round ball,
then how come we don't just fall off?
Because of something
called ''gra-viddy. ''
What's gra-viddy?
Well, it's like glue
Well what's glue?
You hit a girl! You can't hit a girl!
We meet again, slave.
The Golden Disc is mine
and you will give it to me now.
Then I will piss all
over your Scottish corpse.
I'll have you know, I'm not accustomed
to being treated in such a foul manner!
yeah! Energy, energy energy!
You bore me.
Allow me to let someone
else introduce myself.
He is Doctor Obvious,
Enlightener of All Mutants,
Bringer of Knowledge and Vocka-bulary
to the ruined lands of New Pangaea,
and smartest man in the Known World.
No I don't think so!
But I thought YOU were the
smartest man in the known-
And who might you be?
The name's Slangman. One word.
As in ''Slang man''
As in ''The man of Slang''
As in ''THE Slangman''
Oh, THE Slangman.
As opposed to all those
OTHER slangmen out there.
What I wouldn't do for
a quick wit like that.
Thank you Anna.
Anna reports there were two more of you,
back at the ruins.
They're dead. I killed them.
A true man of science.
They were no longer of any use to me.
But the girl...
Ah, yes. The girl.
Milady,
thou art the very fart of a rose.
Thank you.
You beautiful pony.
Thanks.
So you're here for The Source.
I can assure you that
meant no intrusion upon you
or your staff of friendly professionals.
Woman, binoculars.
I have scoured the corpses
of cities on ten horizons.
I've battled roving packs of mutants
who've craved my flesh
and I've scaled one end of
this desolate world to the other
in search of this, this ''Source.''
And this...
THIS is what I find.
have a look.
that's it?
You can't escape, slave.
You've been... inside?
Yes. It was buried.
Sealed in rock.
Tell me. what did you find?
What do you think I found?
An oracle of Great wisdom.
Knowledge so blinding, that
it caused you to go bald.
Nope.
Then what?
Electric power.
Bah!
It's a power plant.
It makes electricity.
The source of all power
for the ancient world.
Cook your food, freeze your food,
see in the dark,
live better electrically!
What folly!
As we speak, it's
mechanisms lie dormant...
for now.
I await the return of my courier
who brings with him the key
to The Source's power...
a golden disc.
What color was it?
Golden!
Oh wow! We have one!
Bitch.
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
And then we met this guy and
he was wearing a potato sack
and he had a rake
And then we smoked some sand.
And then we saw this other
guy and he was riding a bike
and then he started riding his
bike toward us, it was really neat!
But anyways, we're here.
Ta-da!
Anyways, so did you know that
we all live on a big round ball?
Obvious! I beg you!
The Source is our only link to the past!
If I cannot...
...Do you have any idea
What the world was like?
Of course I do!
The world was beautifully violent!
It was a black mass of brutality!
It was not so!
I tell you it was!
It wasn't! Our world was a paradise!
There was no war! There was no killing!
Only knowledge!
There was only power!
Knowledge!
Power!
Knowledge!
Power!
Knowledge!
POWER!
KNOWLEDGE!
BITCH!
POWER!
BASTARD!
KNOWLEDGE!
POWER!
BITCH! BASTARD! KNOWLEDGE!
POWER! KNOWLEDGE! BITCH!
Isn't this a creamy peach?
Look who's about to eat yellow Jell-O.
I hope you like the taste, slave.
Oh I forgot. You have no taste!
Because I cut out your tongue.
You know, I've been
waiting for a time like this
to partake in its wholesome flavor.
Golden disc?
Never!
Golden disc?
Never!
Golden disc?
Please! Not my book!
Golden disc!?!
You're Making me cry!
You're Making him cry!
Why don't you get it?
I'm the last hope for mankind!
I can turn all of this around!
But I'M supposed to do that!
WHERE is my golden disc?
You can chop off our heads,
but you can't chop
off our human spirits!
Femme, babe, you got me all wrong.
I'm not the type of
guy who chops off heads.
The Golden Disc!
Ookla! Ariel! Ride!
Energy! Energy! Energy!
Bring me that book! And kill him alive!
Stop! Or I'll fetch the weapon of God!
Alright, you asked for it.
Not him! The other guy! The other guy!
Hey babies!
Hi! How are you?
Not too shabby, not too shabby.
Brother Alfonze, you're just in time
to see me illuminate
the world with knowledge.
Slang baby please!
I'm warning you for the last time!
If you open The Source,
then everything we have left
will be lost!
Let's hope this rubber
suit insulates me.
Hey!
This looks better on
you than it does on me!
Oh for crying out loud!
This sand isn't electrified!
What a load of feces!
I didn't Say ''electrified,'' baby!
You said it was electrified!
I said it was charged! ''Charged!''
And charged it be with
a prescription of doom
and power!
Bah!
that is what a tongue is for!
Don't call me a pony!
Run woman!
Run if you value your
pathetic little simian mind!
Femme! The other way! The other way!
Okay!
Slangman, heed!
Hear my words!
It is forseen!
If you set foot in that
most blasphemous place
you will unleash upon this Earth
destruction and doom
of the highest
most deadly
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
POWER!
Archaeology!
Slangman!
Drop that disc or I'll blow you up!
Run! Retreat! Run for your lives!
Slangman! Look at me!
I'm about to enter The Source
with the Golden Disc
and you are about to be blown
into the deep and juicy pits of hell...
...HELL!
beautiful!
I'll be goddamned. Damn!
Ow!
Hey. I can see my house from up here.
The Source
No books.
Narrator - Greetings, Survivors.
and welcome to The
way The World Ended -
the living video chronicle of
the destruction of mankind...
and of our Planet Earth in
the efrly 21st century...
...and within hours, 45
Nations launched full-scale
nuclear strikes against each other.
On one single day, November 1, 2013,
ten thousand years of human civilization
was wiped from the face of the Earth.
The way The World Ended
was a documentary made possible by
Lunar Labs, ''Making Tomorrow
a Better place to Be. ''
Please stand in front
of the video monitor
and push the simple red button
to begin your emergency transmission.
Slangman: I had finally learned
the secrets of the ancients.
The Source didn't turn out to be
my oracle of ancient wisdom,
nor was it the apocalyptic nightmare
that Brother Alfonze had prophesized.
It was merely a beacon.
A waypoint from this
world to a better one.
And at that crucial
moment, I became history.
For I, Slangman
would lead the way.
Atlatl, witness this.
For today begins a brand new world.
Beacon activated. Beacon activated.
Computer Alarm Voice:
Attention Moonbase Personnel.
Please evacuate immediately.
All Moonbase Personnel
Please evacuate immediately.
Emergency.
Please evacuate immediately.
This is not a drill.
Attention hive!
We have just received
a transmission fron the blue planet.
It is not a lifeless moon as we had
previously thought.
Go there and wipe out the rest
of these vermin.
Conquer! Destroy! Eliminate!
(etc.)
Subtitles by Eazin
Narrator - Greetings, Survivors.
and welcome to The
Way The World Ended -
the living video chronicle
of the destruction of mankind
and of our Planet Earth
in the early 21st century.
For more information on what you see
please feel free to touch
the screen at any time.
When the presentation has ended,
please follow the
on-screen instructions
in order to expedite your rescue.
Let's begin now.
Wise guy eh?
Come on. Give me one, right here.
Come on!
Come on, hit me.
Come on!
Slangman: Mutants.
Genetically twisted
offshoots of the human race.
They all wanted my book
because my book had words.
They thought it was magic.
I let them believe it.
But that was how I made my living.
Slangman!
Slangman!
Slangman -
You're just in time
to join us for dinner.
We're having sand.
Thank you but no, Your Flatulency.
I hunger not.
How long it been since you come
and bring us good
things to make us smart?
It has been one standard
year, Your Insolence.
I have been on caravan in the south,
collecting a number of
new archaeological items
that perhaps you may find to be of
commercial viability.
I have some new shit.
Goodie, goodie!
New shit! Show me! Show me!
Behold...
''Charmin!''
What dat for?
Well, uh, polishing chrome, I suppose.
''Chrome?''
Would you like to know the
definition of the word ''chrome?''
Yes!
Five batteries please.
Yes, you like batteries, don't you?
I like Charmin.
The definition of the word ''chrome...''
''Noun.''
''Chrome.''
''Chromium or chromium alloy.''
Beautiful.
Don't squeeze the Charmin!
Slangman...
How much for the book?
Well, Your Bestiflity,
I'm afraid my book is not for sale.
Slangman, I won't repeat myself again.
How much for the book?
How much for the book!?
My book, Your Debauchery,
is the last one in existence.
And like I said, is not for sale.
Arrrgh! Human dog! I take what I wish!
I am king here!
And I am Slangman!
The most intelligent
man in the Known World!
How DARE you threaten
me, you wretched...
insolent...
...mutant!
KILL HIM ALIVE!
Stand back!
I'm holding...
a grenade!
Bring me that book!
Bring me that book!
Great omnipotence!
He's found THE SOURCE!
Hey!
You there!
Friday!
Narrator - Our story
begins in the year 2009,
which was the year the
peoples of the Earth
had finally achieved true world peace.
A newly-revitalized United Nations
passed the Global Freedom
and Equality Act soon after
ensuring every citizen of the world
those same civil liberties
and standards of living
enjoyed by those of
free western Nations.
2011 was the year in
which a unified body
of world scientists
discovered the X-vaccine,
which wiped out every
last form of disease
from cancer on down to the common cold.
Later that same year,
global warming was reversed,
the tropical rainforests
were replenished,
and the ozone layer was repaired.
One year Later, in 2012,
world peace had so
benefitted the economies and
growths of the Earth's Nations,
the leaders of the world
unanimously voted to undertake
the most massive effort
in world history towards
a lasting global peace...
they ratified a world government.
And they called it the
United Nations of Earth.
Say that again.
< grunt >
Once more.
Again?
I see.
Open your mouth.
Thank you. You may close your mouth.
I have come to the distinct conclusion,
that you, my little beast friend,
have no tongue
and therefore, you cannot speak.
So... what is your name?
I see.
So... what would you
like me to call you?
Oh come come, don't waste my time.
You need a name.
I can't just run around calling
you ''Idiot Boy,'' now can I?
I shall now think of a name for you...
You're good with spears...
You're a savage...
You wear a skirt.
Don't have a temper with me, you savage,
you idiot boy!
Now until you can think of a better one,
I shall call you ''ATLATL.''
It is the ancient American word
meaning ''spear with great leverge. ''
Now once more...
Where did you find this?
Couldn't you at least draw it for me?!
What, north?
You're pointing north?
North?
To the north?
You mean, THAT north?
Mutants.
Damn.
Damn.
He was a man, yet he was a beast.
He was a true idiot boy
in every sense of the word.
He could not speak,
yet he was able to tell me
through much painstaking translation
of his grunts and groans
of how he came into
possession of this golden disc.
He was a slave in north
and his master was a wicked mutant
who was in search of THE SOURCE.
Nobody had ever seen The Source,
but it said that he who found it
found an oracle of eternal knowledge.
The mutant cut out his tongue,
but the savage escaped in the night.
He took the disc with
him and headed south.
He sought me out because
he believed The Source
could give him back his tongue
and he had heard of my quest
and of the whispered rumours
of my awesome intelligence.
They're not rumors
Now with the savage, I headed north...
even deeper into the
Great sand Nothing...
Far, far from any human settlement.
Farther north than I had ever been.
North to the Source!
This idiot boy would lead
me to where he found the disc
and The Source would have to be near.
The Source was said
to contain a thousand
of these golden discs,
and each of them contained
a thousand times more knowledge
than my precious book.
I sought that knowledge
since I was a child.
Perhaps he could not
fully grasp its power,
but his killing prowess
would prove useful,
I was certain, should I
run into any more mutants...
...or nomads.
Hail and good morning to you.
may we pass through?
Say what?
I Say, may we pass through here?
No, piss off.
I'm afraid we're going to have
to bargain with these fellows.
No! Don't do that. We can't fight.
We have to bargain. ''BAR-GAIN.''
Now you safy close and watch me.
I'll show you how a civilized
person gets things done.
Hey you! Shithead!
What?
Not you, I'm talking to HIM.
But MY name is Shithead!
Fine! Go suck a rock! Hey YOU!
I would like to propose -
Oh! Marriage? I can't marry you.
You're not my type. Much too hairy.
Oh! Propose a toast?
Sorry, I don't drink.
I used to, until I pissed
out that big rock up there.
It's magical, you know.
Protects the tribe, keeps us warm,
and wards off evil spirits.
Yes yes, that's Great. Spare me!
Now listen.
I would like to propose a bargain.
A bargain?
Yes, a ''bar-gain.''
You and your tribe move your camp
and paraphernalia out of
the way just long enough
for my servant and I to pass through...
In return, I'll give you,
absolutely free,
this wonderful, magical,
highly useful and practical
egg beater.
But I've got one.
What's ''praphernalia?''
Look here now, I'll give
you the egg beater AND
AND I'll give you
this completely utilitarian,
positively pragmatic
one-of-a-kind
can of... uh
biodegradeable, uh, carbonated
pseudoformula.
Is that a grenade?
No... It's a ''soda.''
Do you eat it?
You drink it.
You open it from the top, here,
and hold it to your lips
and presto! Out it comes!
And you drink it.
Why would you want to drink a grenade?
It is not a grenade! It's a soda!
It's a grenade! Grenade!
Grenade! Grenade!
Shut up! Shut up!
It is just a soda!
A drink!
You drink it! Get it?
Whenever you feel thirsty you
just open it up and drink it!
But I'm never thirsty.
Well you may become thirsty,
What with all this walking
around in the desert all the time.
This isn't a desert.
What!?
It's a swamp.
It's a swamp. You betcha.
Swamp? Swamp, Swamp Swamp...
The nomads would simply not move.
I wanted to keep negotiating,
but the savage would have none of it.
He slew them brutally, as
is the way of his peoples.
I stood upon the high rocks
and looked out at the last green lands
I would ever see.
Somewhere out there in
the mutant wastelands,
my destiny awaited me.
The weight of the world was in my hands.
I was the last hope for mankind.
< eerie whistling sound from spray tank >
Under the new world government,
mankind flourished.
All the world was finally happy.
And as an effort to bring
the people of the world
into the final embodiment
of global unity,
leading scientists were
assembled to undertake
a massive, worldwide experiment.
At Lunar Labs, Dr. Theodore Wegener
developed what had become known as
the Pangaea Project
A network of orbital
satellites which used an array
of powerful gravity beams
to induce continental drift.
The ultimate goal...
to bring the continents
of Earth together
into one single supercontinent,
called New Pangaea.
Creating a world without borders,
and bringing the
brotherhood of man together
on one big happy landmass.
I'm clean
You should jump on me
Like a shit shake for mom
Like a ham on rye
Like
Oh yeah...
A ham on rye
What'll you have?
Coffee.
Hey baby, how about you buy me a drink?
Yuck...!
John, I can't live with you no more.
Linda, don't leave me. I need you.
John, I found, I found the pictures.
Linda, Linda, Linda, not the pictures.
John, how could you?
Um, she was hardly a... um, a yearling.
Dammit!
I couldn't help my Damn self!
It was my loins!
They ached for love and affliction!
John, you're a no-good,
scum-filching bastard.
bastard!
Bitch!
bastard!
Bitch!
bastard!
Bitch!
From out of the deserts bowels she came.
A fountain of bliss.
A pantheon of goddesses
all shaped with perfect fiery perfection
into one single, magnificent beauty.
It was then for the first time
that I knew that I had known
love.
Hello?
Miss Horusa?
Miss Femme?
Are you in?
that must be for me, it's my chocolates!
What do you want?
Greetings. My name is Slangman,
and I wanted to give these to...
Fine. Thanks.
What are you?
Some sort of celebrity stalker?
No maDam, I am Slangm-
Look, goober, strict policy
No autographs! Beat it!
Oooh! Shiny!
Put that down! It's sharp!
Just give it to me!
can I have some more please?
Femme! Stop! I mean it
this time. Just stop.
Hi stalker! Come to kill me? Great!
Go ahead kill me!
I'm ready to die for my art!
Aren't you the goober we told to leave?
How much do you want for her?
How much do I want for what?
Her! Your acting partner.
How much?
How much do I want for HER?
You want to BUY Femme?
You are a sick man.
How much?
It's sparkly and pretty. I love it!
Well, I'd be out an
acting partner for the show
and that's my whole livelihood.
Then again I'd miss those...
deep political conversations.
How much?
3000 d-cells. Up front.
that's a lot of money.
It's a lot of woman.
What if I gave you
something more valuable
than money?
Like what?
And just look at that whipped cream!
See it? Three holes!
And it has a shelf
life of over 8000 years!
You don't even have to eat it!
You could just -
I could wear it around my neck!
I could put it by the dresser!
I could wear it in my hair! I could -
Dance around it naked!
Delicious!
Hey, where are we going?
Put me down.
I've been an actress
ever since I can remember
which isn't that far back
but I think I was born when I was five
because my feet are bigger than my hands
Fascinating.
Would you like to see
a picture of my mother?
I would love to.
I don't think this is your mother.
You don't think so?
You know, you're not only very beautiful
you're incredibly intelligent
much like
myself.
You know, I have people
tell me that all the time
You know... two plus two equals three
Excedrin, Excedrin
Anyways, so what are
you gonna do with me
now that I'm your personal sex slave?
Sex slave?
You aren't my slave, my love.
You're free.
Free to do what you want, any ole time.
I don't OWN you. No one does.
Say that again slow.
You... are... free.
Nobody rides for free!
Don't call me a pony!
She enticed me with
her tricks of the mind.
Well anyways, you know, my
dad, had like this eyeball,
that like, grew out of his butt.
Yet her love brought
water to my dry pastures
And that night, she inspired
me to an ominous dream...
No! No! Not that one!
The dream AFTER that one!
After!
I dreamed I had crossed the desert.
I was carrying a heavy black box,
with a window.
And I looked into the
window and saw something
something wonderful
I was inside of The Source!
And all of the knowledge
of the ancient world
was standing before me in giant towers
Books like mine for as
far as the eye could see
But right before it ended,
I turned around
and saw a man.
Ham on rye, Slangman?
How would you like some
ham on rye?
And this man... would destroy the world
And this man
was me.
My brilliance.
She even sleeps beautifully.
What the hell are you doing!?
Your hair!
I bought
a bald woman.
I'm not bald. Where are we going?
North! North! Okay?
I can't believe I bought a bald woman.
You know, I like you or something.
Great.
You're smart.
??? The boundaries of my
mind are in-fie-nite.
So, what's your name?
Slangman!
As in Slang... man as in ''SLANGMAN''
as in MAN OF SLANG, got it?
that's a stupid name.
I happen to like it!
I don't care what you think!
You know what YOUR name means?
What's ''Slangman'' mean?
I can't believe that you
have no idea who I am.
I am THE Slangman.
I sell words. I sell knowledge.
I profit off the stupidity of the world,
and you're Damn lucky I'm
not profiting off of you!
I was just trying to be nice,
you didn't have to pull off my hair,
you dickmo.
Well you're doing a
good job, aren't you?
Look, you're free now.
Why don't you just run along
and find yourself a nice bald man?
You hate me!
Yes!
Hey... Femme...
I don't ''hate'' you.
You don't?
No. Okay?
Okay.
Better?
Better.
You sure?
Great. I have something for you.
Wow! what's it Say?
It Says ''At least you
have a Great personality,
''Best regards, Slangman''
Oh Thank you Slangman!
that's so nice of you!
I've never had anything
like this before!
Pangaea Project fever is alive and well
down here in Baja Mexico.
We're all waiting for the
satellite waves to hit.
The waves are due to
hit in about ten minutes.
They're gonna fire lasers
right down into the planet.
Bring everyone ''closer together.''
Bells are ringing, children are singing.
Guess what?
Bob Rock doesn't Hear
it. Is Bob Rock deaf?
I don't know why this is happening.
It's ridiculous! France
is fine where it is!
To hell with all of this
cultural blending bullshit anyhow!
I knew we must be getting
close to The Source.
The further north we went,
the more peculiar and
Dangerous the world got.
< < SWIMMING PROHIBITED > >
Every day was a new test of will
as if the ghosts of
the ancients themselves
were out to stop me
And it seemed that no matter how long
or how far we walked
we were never any closer to The Source
Until one day.
I'm cold.
Shut up.
I'm hungry.
Quiet!
I'm cold, I'm hungry,
and I have to go pee!
Will you please be quiet!
My mind is working!
Slangman... is that the
Whatever you called it
Source thingamajigger thingy?
Behold!
All the world was doomed to the
flames of prescription!
Woe be to ye!
Woe be to your offspring!
Woe be to your offsprings'
voodoo love rituals!
Who are you?
What do you want of us?
You do this... for a living?
that's right baby!
You just met Brother Alfonze, baby!
man of hair, man of face, man of art
man of power, power, power!
Out of my way, you child
I have an important mission to carry out
You have a date with
doom, Brother Slangman.
You know my name!
Surely the stories of
my exploits are not heard
this far north!
Sit, brother, on my
lawn chairs of power.
And all will become known.
You got a place to go pee?
Around back. Dig a hole.
Let mother Nature do the rest.
Look, I don't have time
to sit around here all day
on your lousy little lawn chairs.
Tell me how you know my name.
The Brother Alfonze knows all,
sees all,
tastes all
with his wicked tongue of power.
Oh yeah?
Then what's HIS name?
McDougal.
Ha! You're wrong! It's ''Atlatl!''
You're nothing but a charlatan!
A sham!
We're going!
Hold it son.
If you want The Source,
then you stand to chap my hide.
YOU know of The Source?
I do.
It is guarded by The Electrified Dune.
The Electrified Dune?
Once again the knowledge
of Brother Alfonze
seems to be greater than that of
good brother Handstand man.
that's ''SLANG'' man.
And don't even think that you
are smarter than me.
Because you're not.
The electrified dune is
a mighty chunk of land
that lies before the Source, Making
it unreachable to man or muffin.
You ever smoked... sand?
The sand will shock the
soles of your feet, baby,
and your soul from your soul's vessel,
the almighty body.
Electricity in the sand!
Bah!
that is but a simple obstacle
for the magnitude of my intellect.
There must be some way to cross this
''Electrified Dune. ''
baby, baby, baby,
The Source is not meant to be disturbed.
that's ludicrous!
Everything is meant to be disturbed!
The Source is the last fragment
of an old dead world, brother.
We find ourselves in a new one
in a fresh one
in a world of power, power, power!
To rediscover the knowledge
that the Ancients had perfected
Hey! Those are my clothes!
is to rediscover our own
heritage as human beings!
Rubber!
leave it be, brother! leave it be!
Everything is corroding to the plan!
Mother Nature took a
big black shit on man
and man ain't in no
position to shit back.
The Source holds dark
and Dangerous secrets
that this world cannot
possibly comprehend.
Oh yes? Well comprehend THIS!
We're doomed... We're doomed!
The Pangaea Project
was a total disaster.
mankind had never experienced such death
and destruction on so massive a scale.
The gravity beams from the
satellites shredded coastlines,
pushing continents much too far,
much too fast.
Mountains folded,
titanic rifts in the crust opened up,
and whole continents sank into the sea.
The world government
instantly collapsed,
and within hours, 45
Nations launched full-scale
nuclear strikes against each other.
On one single day, November 1, 2013,
ten thousand years of human civilization
was wiped from the face of the Earth.
Is this or is this not
the place you escaped from?
Then the Source MUST be nearby.
Brother Alfonze, you and Atlatl
will wait here and make camp.
Femme and I are going to take
a look around those dunes.
Here. Hang on to this.
If I am not back in one
hour, come looking for me.
Why do I have to go too?
Because!
Okay.
One hour.
Mutants.
Damn.
has it been an hour?
Hour?
Hour?
So what you're Saying is
that the world is this big round ball
and it's round and stuff.
that is exactly what I said.
But here's where I gotcha okay?
If the world is this big round ball,
then how come we don't just fall off?
Because of something
called ''gra-viddy. ''
What's gra-viddy?
Well, it's like glue
Well what's glue?
You hit a girl! You can't hit a girl!
We meet again, slave.
The Golden Disc is mine
and you will give it to me now.
Then I will piss all
over your Scottish corpse.
I'll have you know, I'm not accustomed
to being treated in such a foul manner!
yeah! Energy, energy energy!
You bore me.
Allow me to let someone
else introduce myself.
He is Doctor Obvious,
Enlightener of All Mutants,
Bringer of Knowledge and Vocka-bulary
to the ruined lands of New Pangaea,
and smartest man in the Known World.
No I don't think so!
But I thought YOU were the
smartest man in the known-
And who might you be?
The name's Slangman. One word.
As in ''Slang man''
As in ''The man of Slang''
As in ''THE Slangman''
Oh, THE Slangman.
As opposed to all those
OTHER slangmen out there.
What I wouldn't do for
a quick wit like that.
Thank you Anna.
Anna reports there were two more of you,
back at the ruins.
They're dead. I killed them.
A true man of science.
They were no longer of any use to me.
But the girl...
Ah, yes. The girl.
Milady,
thou art the very fart of a rose.
Thank you.
You beautiful pony.
Thanks.
So you're here for The Source.
I can assure you that
meant no intrusion upon you
or your staff of friendly professionals.
Woman, binoculars.
I have scoured the corpses
of cities on ten horizons.
I've battled roving packs of mutants
who've craved my flesh
and I've scaled one end of
this desolate world to the other
in search of this, this ''Source.''
And this...
THIS is what I find.
have a look.
that's it?
You can't escape, slave.
You've been... inside?
Yes. It was buried.
Sealed in rock.
Tell me. what did you find?
What do you think I found?
An oracle of Great wisdom.
Knowledge so blinding, that
it caused you to go bald.
Nope.
Then what?
Electric power.
Bah!
It's a power plant.
It makes electricity.
The source of all power
for the ancient world.
Cook your food, freeze your food,
see in the dark,
live better electrically!
What folly!
As we speak, it's
mechanisms lie dormant...
for now.
I await the return of my courier
who brings with him the key
to The Source's power...
a golden disc.
What color was it?
Golden!
Oh wow! We have one!
Bitch.
Excuse me?
Excuse me?
And then we met this guy and
he was wearing a potato sack
and he had a rake
And then we smoked some sand.
And then we saw this other
guy and he was riding a bike
and then he started riding his
bike toward us, it was really neat!
But anyways, we're here.
Ta-da!
Anyways, so did you know that
we all live on a big round ball?
Obvious! I beg you!
The Source is our only link to the past!
If I cannot...
...Do you have any idea
What the world was like?
Of course I do!
The world was beautifully violent!
It was a black mass of brutality!
It was not so!
I tell you it was!
It wasn't! Our world was a paradise!
There was no war! There was no killing!
Only knowledge!
There was only power!
Knowledge!
Power!
Knowledge!
Power!
Knowledge!
POWER!
KNOWLEDGE!
BITCH!
POWER!
BASTARD!
KNOWLEDGE!
POWER!
BITCH! BASTARD! KNOWLEDGE!
POWER! KNOWLEDGE! BITCH!
Isn't this a creamy peach?
Look who's about to eat yellow Jell-O.
I hope you like the taste, slave.
Oh I forgot. You have no taste!
Because I cut out your tongue.
You know, I've been
waiting for a time like this
to partake in its wholesome flavor.
Golden disc?
Never!
Golden disc?
Never!
Golden disc?
Please! Not my book!
Golden disc!?!
You're Making me cry!
You're Making him cry!
Why don't you get it?
I'm the last hope for mankind!
I can turn all of this around!
But I'M supposed to do that!
WHERE is my golden disc?
You can chop off our heads,
but you can't chop
off our human spirits!
Femme, babe, you got me all wrong.
I'm not the type of
guy who chops off heads.
The Golden Disc!
Ookla! Ariel! Ride!
Energy! Energy! Energy!
Bring me that book! And kill him alive!
Stop! Or I'll fetch the weapon of God!
Alright, you asked for it.
Not him! The other guy! The other guy!
Hey babies!
Hi! How are you?
Not too shabby, not too shabby.
Brother Alfonze, you're just in time
to see me illuminate
the world with knowledge.
Slang baby please!
I'm warning you for the last time!
If you open The Source,
then everything we have left
will be lost!
Let's hope this rubber
suit insulates me.
Hey!
This looks better on
you than it does on me!
Oh for crying out loud!
This sand isn't electrified!
What a load of feces!
I didn't Say ''electrified,'' baby!
You said it was electrified!
I said it was charged! ''Charged!''
And charged it be with
a prescription of doom
and power!
Bah!
that is what a tongue is for!
Don't call me a pony!
Run woman!
Run if you value your
pathetic little simian mind!
Femme! The other way! The other way!
Okay!
Slangman, heed!
Hear my words!
It is forseen!
If you set foot in that
most blasphemous place
you will unleash upon this Earth
destruction and doom
of the highest
most deadly
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
Power!
POWER!
Archaeology!
Slangman!
Drop that disc or I'll blow you up!
Run! Retreat! Run for your lives!
Slangman! Look at me!
I'm about to enter The Source
with the Golden Disc
and you are about to be blown
into the deep and juicy pits of hell...
...HELL!
beautiful!
I'll be goddamned. Damn!
Ow!
Hey. I can see my house from up here.
The Source
No books.
Narrator - Greetings, Survivors.
and welcome to The
way The World Ended -
the living video chronicle of
the destruction of mankind...
and of our Planet Earth in
the efrly 21st century...
...and within hours, 45
Nations launched full-scale
nuclear strikes against each other.
On one single day, November 1, 2013,
ten thousand years of human civilization
was wiped from the face of the Earth.
The way The World Ended
was a documentary made possible by
Lunar Labs, ''Making Tomorrow
a Better place to Be. ''
Please stand in front
of the video monitor
and push the simple red button
to begin your emergency transmission.
Slangman: I had finally learned
the secrets of the ancients.
The Source didn't turn out to be
my oracle of ancient wisdom,
nor was it the apocalyptic nightmare
that Brother Alfonze had prophesized.
It was merely a beacon.
A waypoint from this
world to a better one.
And at that crucial
moment, I became history.
For I, Slangman
would lead the way.
Atlatl, witness this.
For today begins a brand new world.
Beacon activated. Beacon activated.
Computer Alarm Voice:
Attention Moonbase Personnel.
Please evacuate immediately.
All Moonbase Personnel
Please evacuate immediately.
Emergency.
Please evacuate immediately.
This is not a drill.
Attention hive!
We have just received
a transmission fron the blue planet.
It is not a lifeless moon as we had
previously thought.
Go there and wipe out the rest
of these vermin.
Conquer! Destroy! Eliminate!
(etc.)
Subtitles by Eazin