Blame It on the Bellboy (1992) - full transcript

Hhor--

horton?
Yes?

Horton !
With a "h"?
Yes !

- I have a big surprise for you.
- Look, mate -- Rosemary !

Maurice.

Thank you.
You've been a great help.

[ Door closing ]

What on earth
are you wearing?
What?

What are you
doing here, Rosemary?

What do you think
I'm doing here, darling?

I was shopping in
Sainsbury's and guess who
I met by the frozen fish?



That girl that works
in your branch, Amanda --

- stainrod?
- Amanda stainrod.

"Good heavens, Mrs. Horton,"
she said. "Back already?"

"Back already?" I said.
"From venice," she said.

Ha-ha.
"How was it?"

I'm not gonna stand
in Sainsbury's and
tell the whole town...

That their mayor goes
on holiday without his wife.

And as far as
I'm concerned,

he was at a financial
conference in buxton.

"Very nice," I said.
"It was very nice."

Look, Rosemary --
so I went home
and thought...

Why should Amanda
bloody stainrod think
you're in venice...

While I think
you're in buxton?

"Ah, simple, Rosemary,"
I thought.



- "It's another woman."
- Rosemary !

What I should be telling
the whole town, of course,

is that their mayor is away,
at ratepayers' expense,

having a bit of
adriatic slap and tickle.

Look, Rosemary,
you've got it all wrong.

[ Toilet flushing ]

Now, this is going
to look odd, Rosemary.

Oh, hello.

[ Maurice ]
Ahem.

This is my wife,
Rosemary.

Oh, hi.
Welcome to venice.

Oh, thank you.

I thought you
said your wife was
staying in england.

I thought you didn't want her
to know anything about this?

Looks like the cat's
out of the bag now.

Hello, I'm Caroline Wright,
veni villas estate agency.

Your husband
and I --

I'm sorry,
his lordship and I...

Were just finalizing the
details on a villa he's buying.

- A villa !
- Yes.

His lordship was very keen
to get his hands...

On at least one of my
properties, and being
a man in his position,

he wanted it kept
fairly hush-hush.

We guarantee
absolute discretion.

He can rest assured that I
won't tell anyone what he's
been up to out here.

Maurice,
is this true?

[ Caroline ]
I'd better say
my arrivedercis.

So, you'll arrange for
that specified amount?

In cash,
Italian lire?

Tomorrow,
like we said?

And the keys to the
lovely villa Romano
will be yours.

I'll call you tomorrow
and we can make a date,
as it were.

Ciao.

Ohh. Ciao.

Oh !

Oh, Maurice.
I'm sorry.

What a wonderful,
wonderful surprise !

Yeah.

It suits you,
that shirt.

You're one of those
hit men, aren't you?

A killer,
a paid killer,

like Edward fox
in "day of the jackal."

Why should you
want to kill me?

Oh my god !

Look,
it says medi-date.

It's a dating agency.

You're supposed
to fall in love,
not get shot at.

Look at the top...
Medi-date !

You don't ask questions
in my job.
It's about time
you started.

I suppose you're
going to keep me here.

I know too much.

I know too much?
I don't know anything !

This Maurice horton,

this assassin,

he's gonna die,
you know that.

Well, I --
I didn't until you
just told me, no.

I'm not interested in that.
All I want to do...

Is look around
the villa.

If I don't do that,
I'm out of a job.
That's all I care about.

Dead men
don't need jobs.

[ Scarpa ]
When Maurice horton dies...

You know
who's-a killed him.

Yes, I do, I --
okay, but...

Can we just pretend I don't?
That's not-a the way
we do things.

Tell-a me,
when-a this-a pig dies,

and-a he will die,
how can we guarantee
your silence?

Well, I --
I mean guarantee !

I tell-a you,
there are two ways.

Numero uno,
we kill-a you off.

Silence
a guarantee, no?

Oh.

What is numero
two-o, duo --

due !
Due.

You kill him.

Of course, we will
pay you big money...

So it'll look
voluntary, si?
[ Gasping ]

- We are not so unreasonable.
- I, i--

[ sigh ]

They thought Mike lawton
was Michael horton.
Let's talk about this later.

I'd have thought you'd
have chosen something...
More mysterious.

Lawton's a bit
ordinary, isn't it?
It's meant to be ordinary.

Fine, it's just that
in the books they're
not so boring.

What are you suggesting?
I don't know.
I'm not a killer, am I?

I read one once
where the --

look, you have got to learn
to give your mouth a rest.

This is secret business,
serious.

I don't want the whole
bloody world to know !

[ Patricia ]
Oh, look.
There she is !

That must be him.

God, he's no
Clark gable, is he?

[ Maurice ]
I'll explain
when I get back.

Johnson, don't argue
about it, just do it !

Have you got a pen?
Right.

I want a hundred thousand
pounds, whatever that is
in lire,

direct to the
hotel gabrielli
by 11:00 tomorrow.

Have you got that?

Oh... gabrielli.

If he's that rich, I
don't suppose it matters
that he's married.

A hundred
thousand pounds !

That's what
I was gettin'.

What?
Exactly?

That was my fee.

[ Maurice indistinct ]

Just make sure
the cash gets here !

You got his envelope.
He got yours.

He got the target,
you got me.
He's done it.

He's done the job
for you !
You're jokin'.

He couldn't do it.
Why not?
Any fool could do it.

Look, i'm
not a plumber !

It's a
highly-skilled job.
Oh, rubbish !

He's got the instructions.
All he needs is a bit
of nerve, spare time,

and wallop...
He's got your man...
And your money.

[ Maurice ]
I've done it now and
that's how much it costs.

You got a hairpin?

What?
A hairpin.

Oh, yes.

Yes, bye.
Idiot.

Well, salute.

Stinkin' a hundred
thousand for my life !

He picks it up-a here
tomorrow, boss.

Our signore horton is-a
very confident, no?

It would be very nice,
of course, if we could
take his money...

As well as
his life, huh?

We could use that money
to pay you when you
kill-a the fat pig.

Please, Mr. Scarpa,
i, I --

I can't shoot anybody.
I couldn't do it.

No, I know you couldn't.
It's okay. No worry.

You use a bomb.

[ Scarpa ]
There it is.

Oh, come on.

I can't bear it.

Miss Caroline Wright.

It was a woman !

He killed a woman.
The lift's coming.

Sleep well.

[ Sigh ]

Look, Patricia,
I'm really sorry about
what happened earlier,

or what
nearly happened.
It's okay.

All part of
the business,
I expect.

You know, today...

I've been stood up
by my date, a married man.

I've been aimed at
by a hired killer,
a gun held to my head.

I've been held captive
against my will...

By a strange man in
a strange hotel room...

And it's been one of
the best days of my life.

Really?

You can go now,
if you want.

You're not gonna
tell anyone, are you?

No one to tell.
Really, no one !

I'm missing
and nobody knows.

When I'm not missing,
nobody knows.

♪♪

♪♪

[ TV announcer ]
...And often achieves
a bulk of four tons.

Yet he's surprisingly
agile...
Baby hippos.

[ TV ]
In a mock battle
or in the real thing.

The power in these
ponderous jaws is tremendous.

The life I lead is a
mundane, sick existence.

And lonely?
You think you're lonely?

You should try
being an assassin.

Don't meet many people
when you're an assassin,

not for long anyway.

Yes, but what a life !

I bet you've
some stories to tell.

Who to?

Me.

I only needed this one.

I was gonna make this
the last big one, then I
can get out of this crap.

Buy a flower shop.
A flower shop?

You?
Yeah.

Well...

That would be
a change of direction.
Now I've blown it.

Get it back. He's done
all the dirty work for you.

- It's your money, get it back.
- What? Steal it?

A bit below you,
stealing?

It's not as if he's
going to tell anyone.

Nice idea.
Easier said than done.

Rubbish !
We'll think of something.

[ Snoring ]

[ Groaning ]

Sorry to interrupt,
but we're supposed
to be watching horton.

Yes, sorry.

[ Mike ]
What's the plan?

What?
It was your idea.
What do we do now, boss?

It's easy.

We're stealing the money
from him, right?
Yes.

When's the best time
to do that then?

At the perfect moment.

That's what this game's
all about... waiting,

waiting for
the perfect moment.

And here it comes.

Here-a we are,
signore.

A hundred thousand pounds.
Two hundred and ten
million lire.

Thank you.
[ Bellboy ]
Scusi, signore.

Telefono.
Grazie.

Prego.

Actually --

what's the matter,
Maurice?

Could I put this in hotel
security for a couple hours?
Si, signor orton.

Horton.
Orton.

Horton...
Maurice horton.

Maurice horton.
Yes.

Room 2-3-5.
Have you got that?

Rossi, you see
that case?
Hmm?

Si.

You go shopping.

Hor-horton.
Yes.

Please take note.

[ Sigh ]
Thank you.
Thank you.

It's identical,
boss.

Perfect.
Perfect !

Uh, what's happening?

Are you ready?

Can I place this in, um,
hotel security, please?

Si, signor horton.

No, no... orton.
Orton.

- Orton.
- Orton.

Room 3-1,
uh, naught.
Orton.

All-a you gotta do
is-a get in there and
swap-a the tags.

We get-a the money
and that horton shit,

he get-a
what he deserve.

[ Mumbling ]

Note.

- Please take note.
- Right, thank you.

Okay.

I'll pick it up later.
Thank you very much.

You're thanks.

[ Indistinct chatter ]

So you've never
felt the need...

For a woman's company?
Yes, maybe, but...

It's always been
a non-starter, what
with my occupation.

It's a bit of a
passion killer, isn't it?

What do you do for a living?
Me? Oh I shoot people.

It's not a kiss on the cheek
and "have a nice day," is it?

Don't fret.
Things'll pick up
when you're a florist.

So there's never been
anything really special?

No, not really.
Nothing to set
the world on fire.

[ Scream ]

Dear god, fuoco.

Non avvicinatevi !
Lontani, lontani !

Lontani, lontani !

Italiano, attenzione.

[ Bellboy ]
Francese, attention.

English, attention !
Americano...

Get the
fuck out of here !

[ Bellboy ]
Santa Madonna. Pericoloso !

Non avvicinatevi.
Lontani !

Grazie, grazie,
veccio.

Tu sei UN genio.

[ Rosemary ]
What time did
she say she'd ring?

She didn't say
a time.

Perhaps she's decided not to.
Perhaps she's forgotten.
[ Ringing ]

Yes. Miss Wright.
Mr. Horton?

Have you got
the money?
Yes, I have.

Where is it?
Here at the hotel.

Bring it to the villa.
The villa?

Are you arguing
with me?
All right.

How soon can you
get there?
About an hour.

See you then,
big boy.
Right.

Arrivederci.
Arrivederci
to you too.

Horton, 2-3-5.
Thanks.

Thank you.
Grazie.

Prego.

You're holding
a case of mine.

Melvyn orton,
room 3-1-0.

[ Melvyn ]
You sure this
is right?

Do we want to settle
your account now?

What?
No, later.
Oh.

You're-a coming
back then?

Of course I'm coming back.
I'm coming back, aren't I?

[ Footsteps ]

Orton,
3-1-0.
Right.
Thank you.

Thank you
very much.

Um, isn't that mine?
Not yet. You have
to earn it first.

Give me.
Prego.

Per dove?
The lido, please.

The lido !

Let's go.
The lido.
Si, subito.

The lido.

Smile.

You're not thinking of
using that, are you?

We're only doing this
so you don't have to
use that thing again.

Okay, now !

Here.
No, no !

What-a you say?
Not with her there.
What has she done wrong?

She's-a marry
the little shit.
Now press it !

Then just --
just wait 'til
they've landed.

Oh, Maurice,
is this it?

It's just --

honestly, Maurice, you
shouldn't have done this.

Maurice, are you
all right?

Uh --
it's just --

I don't like carrying
so much cash about,
that's all.

Oh, Maurice, it's just --
it's wonderful !

Maurice, she'll
be here soon.

If it worries you
so much, sit on it.

[ Scarpa ]
Press it ! Press it !

Press it !

Press it.

[ Sigh ]
Again.

It's not working.

It's not working.
We must be
out of range.

Take US in closer.
We can't, boss.

It's too shallow
for this boat.

Gotcha !
Ha-ha-ha.

No !
It's okay.
It's just for show.

-Remember, you still in-a range.
-What about my money?

Don't worry.
We take care of for you.

Payment on delivery.

Oh, unbelievable,
Maurice.

- Nooo ! Nooo !
- Maurice !

Maurice !

[ Screaming ]
Maurice, help me !

Stop !

Stop !
That's mine !
That's mine !

Press it now !
Press it now !

Press it now !
It's not working !

- Ahh, it's mine !
- It's bloody mine !

No it's not.
It's mine !

Who are you?
Caroline Wright.

Caroline Wright !
You're dead !
Dead?

Why haven't you
killed her?

Killed me?
Killed her?

You did-a put-a
the switch on, yes?

Yes, I checked it
when I swaped the tags.

You swapped the tags?
I swapped the tags !

Oh my god !

No !
Kill him, boss !

The case !
Get the case!

You idiots !

[ Clicking ]

- Oh my god !
- It's his. The money's his.

Put the gun down.

It's okay, stay cool.
I've got them covered.

It was his job so
it's his money.
You stole it.

Stole it?
I beg your pardon.

I got this from the
bank this morning.
It's my money.

Not anymore.
It's mine.

Mr. Horton's bought this villa.
I've got the papers to prove it.

He came all the way
from england to buy it.

Butt out, lady !
He came here
on medi-date.

- Medi what?
- Medi-date. Check it out.

Look, I got this money
from my bank.

Here's the receipt.

Put the gun down.

Oh, come on, partner.

We've come this far.
Put the bloody gun down !

Sorry about this.

Let's just turn around
and get out of here.

There's been a
misunderstanding somewhere.

What are you doing?

Maurice,
what's medi-date?

[ Sirens ]
Gobbledegook.
Mad as a hatter,
poor woman.

I'll tell you,
you weren't bloody worth it.

That's okay because
neither is the house.

One hundred thousand pounds
for a villa in venice?
I can't go wrong.

Uh, nobody's called
for me, have they?

Si, si.

Um, the
mister Marshall called.

He say, "you're
farting around,

you dickhead."

Dick... head.
Yes.

I'll, I'll --

"you are a useless...

Wa--"?

"Waste of space."
"Waste of space."

He out of Patience.
You out of job.

Okay. Bravo.

What is it
about me?

What do I do that
sends every man packing?

I'm not packing because of you.
I'm packing to stay alive.

The people I work for,
they're not nice.

They give you a target,
you bloody-well kill him.
Mess it up, they kill you.

If you mess up like
I messed up, Christ,
they'll never stop lookin'.

They'll find me.

Actually, I did
get to see one.

It's not a villa.

It's a big house
on the grand canal.

Umpteen bedrooms...

And a nice,
cozy cellar.

Um, and it's
empty right now.

I thought you said you
weren't going to use that again.

That's great
coming from you,
miss Rambo.

It's my fault.
Let me talk to them.

Talk to them?
They're gonna blow me away !

Don't you understand?
They're gonna blow you away too.

They're not picky,
these people.

Any minute, they're gonna
come through that door.

We're gonna end up
a bloody mess on the floor !
[ Knocking ]

[ Knocking ]

Message !

Don't move.

"Mr. Lawton,
congratulations.

"Three birds with one stone.
Generous bonus included in
payment.

Already credited to
your European account."

The job's done?
They paid me?

- Santo dio !
- Oh, steady on.

Oh yeah, sorry.

Thank you very much for
all your kindness. If
anything else I can do...

To make your stay happy,
do not hesitate to call on me.

[ Marshall ]
Why didn't you
call me?

How much do they
want for it?
Uh, two hundred and --

no, sorry.
Three hundred...

And fifty... five...

Thousand... pounds.

Right. Get to
the banco popolare,
Saint marks square,

take some I.D.
The cash'll be
there for you.

Be able to manage that,
will you?

If you can do that,
you can keep the job.
I-- oh, uh --

[ panting ]

If I can do that,
you can stuff the job !

[ Clerk ]
Thank you, sir.
Have a nice day.

Grazie.

Prego.

The Bahamas, please,
and step on it... the
railway station, actually.

[ Rosemary ]
Isn't that the
estate agent girl?

Is it?
What's she
hanging around for...

Looking so
pleased with herself?

You'll have to
change your name.
Yes, something boring.

Miss Smith, how about that?
Miss Gladys Smith.

How 'bout
Mrs. Charlton black?

Oh, that sounds
far too exciting.

Who's charlton black?

Me.

You don't
have to answer
straight away.

I mean, it can wait.
You can think about it.

Why wait? This is
the perfect moment.

The answer is...
Yes, charlton.

It's Chuck, really.

The answer is...
Yes, Chuck.

[ Airplane engine ]

Maurice.

Oh dear.

It just needs
a little bit of work.

Santo bischero,
credo.
Che pasticcio.

E quello é -- abbiamo finito
la settimana scorsa.

Eccolo, eccolo, eccolo !
Lí, sulla gondola.

- Attenti. Vai, vai !
- Faster, faster !

[ Motor sputtering ]
Huh?

[ Caroline ]
Oh ! Oh !

[ Screaming ]

♪ I'm tired of being
a yes man ♪

♪ forever going wrong

♪ I'm gonna get my own back

♪ yeah, the worm is gonna turn
before too long ♪

♪ maybe now at last
I'm feeling strong ♪

♪ and I'm waiting for
the perfect moment ♪

♪ hopin' for an end
to my wasted day, mm-hmm ♪

♪ here comes the
perfect moment ♪

♪ suddenly the world
don't look so gray ♪

♪ got to press the music
and settle up the score ♪

♪ a change of my direction

♪ no, I just can't walk
this wayward road no more ♪

♪ now there's a
clear path to your door ♪

♪ and you, you know
too much about me ♪

♪ too much to let you go

♪ so stay a while longer

♪ and tell me things
I really want to know ♪

♪ can I find a place
where love can grow ♪

♪ and I'm waiting
for the perfect moment ♪

♪ hopin' for an end
to my wasted day ♪

♪ yeah, yeah

♪ I hope I find a way
a way to convince you ♪

♪ that we've got a chance
to make a new start ♪

♪ I've been searching hard
don't make no sense to ♪

♪ stay apart

♪ you're here in my heart

♪♪

♪♪

♪ here we've got
the perfect moment ♪♪