Black Magic for White Boys (2017) - full transcript
[piano music]
♪♪
- Man, I hate riding
the damn bus.
- Oh Lord, here we go.
Why?
- I don't like waiting around.
I ain't got time to be
waiting around for the bus.
- You could buy a car.
- Do you know how hard it is
to keep a car in the city?
There ain't no parking,
and if you do find parking,
you got to move it
all the damn time,
and the insurance is
way too expensive.
It's all just a pain
in the ass.
- Why don't you just
ride the subway?
- Oh, too crowded.
I mean, when it's working.
- Oh.
- The panhandlers all up
in your face, and oh!
And the rats.
Oh no, no, fuck that.
- Well it sounds like the bus
is your only option.
- Yeah, it is.
[orchestral music continues]
♪♪
- Hey, Mom.
- Let's go.
We're going to miss the bus.
- Can I do this?
- What is it?
- It says they're looking
for a magician's assistant.
- Magician's assistant?
No, baby, I don't like
things like that.
- Why not?
- Because it's scary.
- But It's just
make-believe.
- No, honey.
That shit is evil.
- Come on.
- I promise you.
I'm fed up.
I'm a magician.
What we know is illusion.
It's not magic.
We have to change.
I forbid it.
You forbid it?
This is my theater.
We both built this!
- It's true.
- If you say so.
- Oh, hi. Hi.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Hi.
Leah has arrived.
- Oh, hi, Leah.
How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
This is the new intern.
- Intern?
- Yes.
- Are we paying her?
- Of course not.
- Okay. Hi, I'm Larry.
- Hi.
- What's your name?
- Leah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Have you guys seen
Dean anywhere?
- Yes, he's under the stage.
Dean!
- Yeah?
- The new girl is here!
- All right.
Tell them I'll be right up.
- So why don't you
go outside?
You can meet him.
He's going to come out
on the stage.
Go this way.
- Can we meet a little later
to talk over some stuff?
- Of course!
- I'm really happy
to have you!
- Pleasure.
- Yvette! How are you?
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Yes?
- Just a little
friendly reminder
about the rent
increase this month.
- The rent increase?
- Yeah, yeah,
30%, that's all.
- Thirty percent?
- Sure.
- Who can afford that?
Nobody can afford 30%.
- I ain't paying.
I'm actually not paying
extra in this house.
- It hasn't been raised in,
I believe it's about 18 years,
so we're going to make up
for a little lost time.
We had to comply with
the mandate from City Hall.
- You know how long I've
been living in this building?
- Actually, no.
- Probably
before you were born.
- Because everybody
in the building know
what you're doing
to everybody,
so we don't want to stay still--
- But It's not me.
- It's the new law
from the City Council, so--
- Yeah, you're taking advantage
of the law, so...
- It's also a win-win,
if you think about it.
- I think that I'm going
to see you in court
and we argue that in court.
- Starting on the 1st,
the rent goes up.
- Going to talk to my lawyer.
I'll see you in court.
- IB's Bust a little
friendly reminder.
- See you in court, all right.
- Just a friendly, friendly...
...reminder.
[knocking on door]
- Come in.
- Hello, Oscar.
- Hey, Fred.
How are you?
- I'm doing excellent.
- You want a beer
or something?
- I'm okay,
kind of in a rush.
Don't you have your date
tonight? - What's that?
- Don't you have
your date tonight?
- Oh yeah,
the date is tonight.
Thank you for the tickets,
by the way.
That was very nice of you.
- You're going to like
the show.
It's magic.
- What's that?
- The show, it's magic.
- Oh, magic, yeah.
I like magic.
I'm a little nervous
about the date, though.
- Are you taking her
out to dinner?
- What's that?
- Are you going to take her
out to dinner?
- Oh, dinner.
I think we are having dinner.
It's a double-date,
though.
The thought of being
one on one with someone
is a little scary.
I'm going to go with
my friend Jamie,
he's going to take
his girlfriend,
and I'm going to meet
this mystery girl.
We'll see what she's like.
- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
Appreciate this.
- Why don't we start
renting the stage out
to other artists,
playwrights?
- This is my theater, man.
This is my show.
- On Tuesday nights,
for example,
those are slow nights.
We could do an open mic
night instead.
- An open mic night?
- Yes. You have different
performers come in.
They play guitar,
they recite poetry,
they perform stand-up.
- I'm sorry,
we're not doing this here.
- Well If you don't
do something,
you're going to lose
this place.
- Okay, Leah, this is how
you make someone
from the audience disappear
in the box
back into the audience.
Dean, come.
You make sure the box
is placed in front
of this hole.
There's going to be
a carpet here.
You put the person
in the box first.
Then you're going to take them
down through the hole
in the carpet,
backstage.
- Yeah.
- Go.
You go in the hole.
You're going to have to stay
underneath there
the entire show,
and then you're going
to take the person back.
Come on!
You go in there.
- You mean come with?
- No.
Give me that thing.
Go in there.
And then you're going to go
underneath this way.
You're going to bring them
to the backstage.
Leah?
- Yeah.
Can you hear me?
You follow me here
to this side.
Come on.
And you're going
to take them up here
to the backstage.
Leah?
Where are you?
Ok, so you bring them up here
to the backstage.
This has to go faster.
Take this.
Then we'll see you back there.
- All right.
- Take them up here,
up the stairs.
Don't bump your head here.
Be very careful.
Make sure the audience
member doesn't trip over this.
Now, you're not
from Hungary?
Where are you from?
- No, I'm from Astoria.
Kind of like Hungary.
- Okay.
Now, careful here,
because the building
inspector--
[arguing in French]
They're married.
Can't you tell?
So, you take them here.
- Ok.
Oh man, what a hike.
You think older people
could do this?
- Nope.
- It's really hard.
- Don't pick old people.
- Ok.
- You want to pick
someone young, athletic.
No heavy, big people,
no people
with very high heels.
Then you take them
down here.
May I ask you,
are you married, Leah?
- Married?
No.
I have terrible taste in men.
Are you married?
- No.
So now we're in
the lobby again.
So you take them around.
Oh,
and here's the lovely Dean.
You see, Leah,
now we're on the stage again.
- Sweet.
- Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
- What do you think?
- I think it's amazing.
- Well you'll work
the ticket booth tonight
and watch the show
with the audience,
and we'll work you
into the show
over the next few weeks.
- I don't see why
we have a ticket booth.
We don't sell any tickets.
- Well we might try something
a little different tonight.
- It's impressive,
you have two amazing
apartments.
- You have two buildings.
Are you bragging
about your buildings?
I'm not bragging about them
because I can't
because they're dumps.
- They're still buildings.
- I'm trying to fix them up
so I can brag about them,
but your places--
- Guys, guys, this is the place.
This is the place. Here we are.
- This it? Okay.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Um, this is a magic show?
- Hi.
Yeah.
- Not the Styx concert?
- No, no, that's next door
if you want to go.
- I think I have four tickets
left for Oscar Trout.
I think, yeah.
- Let me look.
- What do you think?
- I mean, he's okay,
but I think he's a little shy.
- He's not really shy.
He's just afraid to open
his big fucking mouth.
- You're not saying
anything much either.
- I know, but I want him
to say something to me first.
- You know he inherited
a lot of money recently.
- Stop being so tacky.
- I'm just letting her know
the whole situation.
- She knows this already!
- This is the place.
- Magdalena!
Magdalena!
Where is she?
- Underneath the stage.
- Of course.
- Larry!
- That's how stupid I am.
- We have to start!
Larry, what are you--
- Shut up!
Where is the book?
I know you have it.
- Did you take it?
- No.
- Give it to me!
- No. I forbid it!
If we don't use real magic,
we're finished.
Then we'll go back to Paris.
Fuck Paris!
My life is here!
Give me the fucking book!
You'll go mad,
like last time.
It won't be like last time.
If you do this,
I'm leaving you!
I don't care!
And viola.
[door slams]
- Ah!
- [chuckles]
All right, guys.
All right, let's get
ready for something.
Here we go.
Where is it?
Ah.
[speaks spell in
foreign language]
[repeating spell]
[repeating spell]
You go ahead,
my friend.
- All right,
I'll start the show.
[crowd murmuring]
Everyone, please
silence your cellphones.
[audience laughs]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry the Magnificent!
[audience applauds]
- Good evening,
good evening.
I hope you're well.
I hope you're in
good health
and relaxed
and not too fearful
about the future.
It's a very uncertain time
we're living in, of course.
We're all very worried
about terrorism.
We are worried
about the environment,
worried about our health,
and who amongst us
is not perpetually worried
about money?
[chuckles]
Oh, my goodness,
I always forget about that.
Black hat.
Every magician needs
a black hat.
As you can see,
it's empty
and nothing there.
Can I please have
someone from the audience?
You, sir.
What is your name?
- Clifford.
- Clifford.
That's a charming name.
You're a handsome fellow.
How are you feeling
these days?
- Pretty good.
- Good.
Me, I'm feeling
very empty as of late.
Take this hat,
if you will.
Please look at it and verify
that it is empty as well.
Show it to the audience
so they can see unequivocally
that it is empty.
Now let's just spin it
a few times
and get the molecules going
and say a few words
to set our spell in motion.
[speaking spell language]
Okay, Clifford.
Is the hat empty still?
- Yes.
- You're sure there is no
rabbit in there?
- No.
But if I were to pull
a rabbit out of this hat,
would you be impressed?
- Sure.
- No, you wouldn't.
Nobody would be impressed.
They would just leave
the theater and say,
"This is just another
boring trick
by a boring magician."
But if I were to make you
disappear into thin air,
that would be
a little more impressive,
would it not?
- Sure.
[speaks spell language]
Where's Clifford?
[audience applauds]
Where is he?
Lucy, Dean, come on,
help me find him.
- Clifford!
- Call out his name,
please.
- Clifford?
- Look in the audience.
- Clifford?
- Do you see him?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Wait.
[speaks spell language]
Where is he?
Oh, is that him over there?
Look, please.
Is that Clifford?
[audience gasps]
Are you sure
it's Clifford?
[audience applauds]
- Yes, it's me.
- That's impossible.
- Where have you been?
- It's impossible!
- I have no idea.
- It's a twin.
It's an identical--
It's a twin.
- Say that again.
You think I used a what?
- It's a double, a twin.
- A twin?
- I see.
- Identical twin.
- Will you please stand up,
alright?
- What? Stand up?
- Yes, please, stand up.
- Fine.
All right.
- [speaks spell language]
[audience murmuring]
Now what happened here?
Where is that man?
Can you see him?
No?
Lucy? Dean?
- No.
- [speaks spell language]
[ominous piano music]
♪♪
And there is the man!
[audience applauds]
- What the hell?
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
- That was amazing.
Incredible.
- How have I not heard
of this show before?
- That was pretty cool.
- Your friend got you tickets?
- Yeah, yeah, he's kind of
my friend, yeah.
- I'm going to go
talk to her. Hang on.
- How do you know him?
- That was absolutely amazing.
Amazing.
- Oh, did you like the show?
- I loved the show.
In fact, I've got to meet
the magician.
Can I go backstage?
- I doubt it.
- Can I get a card?
Does he have a card?
- No,
he doesn't have a card.
- I've absolutely
got to meet him.
How can I do that?
- Good luck, man.
Did you see the show?
It was spectacular.
I still got it!
- You don't love me.
- Why would you say that?
If you did,
you would listen to me.
This is not about love.
The show will be
a big success now.
I don't care
about the show.
I care about you.
If you care,
then let me have this.
You married a magician.
- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?
I told you. Paris.
Paris? Are you crazy?
There's nothing for you there!
You see!
Look at yourself!
- Look at what?
- It's happening again.
You have no idea
how alive I felt tonight!
I haven't felt this alive
in years!
- It's going to change you.
- Let it change me.
It's better than feeling
dead inside.
- You're a stupid old man.
- You're not so young yourself.
Me? I can still
find someone.
Go ahead.
What do I care?
I'll find a nice man
who can actually
maintain an erection!
Oh, shut up!
- I don't like furniture,
but I do know this.
I want a basketball goal
up there,
and I want a ping-pong table
in the back.
- What are you, 12?
- Well that's just
what I want.
I know it seems
a little bit childish,
but I like the idea of shooting
hoops in my living room.
- Listen, we should go,
right?
- Wait, wait,
you're not going anywhere
until you tell us about what
happened at that magic show.
What the hell was that?
- I know, babe.
They made you disappear.
- Apparently.
- Well what did it feel like?
- Well It didn't feel
like anything, actually.
I was in the seat
and then I was in the box.
- So It was instantaneous,
like you fell asleep
and just woke up?
- Like you were blacking out,
blacked out?
- Exactly.
Absolutely nothing, bam.
- Yo, what the fuck?
- Hi.
- I thought you said South Side!
- This is the South Side.
- No, this is North Side,
that's South Side!
This is my boyfriend,
Ralphie.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How's it going?
- The show was amazing tonight.
You should've seen it.
- Yeah, I'll check it out
sometime. - Yeah.
- You know I had a magic kit
when I was in 2nd grade?
It was crappy.
I burned it.
You're in the show?
- Me?
No, I'm not in the show.
I manage the theater.
- Oh, you manage the theater.
Did you have to go
to college for that?
- Oh, I majored in business.
- Yeah, college
is for fuck-heads.
What about you, short stack?
- Excuse me?
- I mean, you're obviously
in the show,
like juggling daggers,
riding a unicycle or something?
- No.
- Can you imagine?
That would be some
trippy shit,
seeing him wobbling around
on a little unicycle.
What about the side
geek show thing?
You ever bit the head
off a chicken?
- Ralphie.
- Nope.
- I bit the head off
this lizard once
when I was in scout camp.
My buddy Lester Phelps,
he bet me five bucks
I wouldn't do it.
I fucking did it.
I ripped the head off
that motherfucker,
spit it back in his face
like it was a Snickers bar,
pwah!
Spit it right back in his face.
- I'll bet.
- Okay, we have to go.
- Alright.
See you dick-lickers later.
- What a loser.
- Yeah, that guy's
a douchebag.
- Uh, I haven't worked a job
in a really long time.
Um, my father died
a couple years back
and left me a lot of money
and I pretty much live off
of the interest, you know.
- Yeah, I know.
Jamie told me.
- Jamie told you?
- Yeah.
- That's bullshit.
That's not his
information to tell.
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm not filthy rich
or anything like that.
I've just got
just enough money
that if I play
my cards right,
I can live
the rest of my life
on about $2,000 a week.
After I pay my insurance
and I pay my utilities
and whatnot,
I've just got enough money
to watch movies
and go to plays
and go to Europe
for the weekend,
not that I really do that.
If I had someone to do
that with, maybe I would.
- The bottom line
is I don't work.
I live off shit.
I'm not ambitious either.
I don't want to start a company.
I don't want to be an artist.
I don't want to do anything
at all but enjoy my life.
I just want to live
a stress-free life.
- I admire that.
I don't see anything
wrong with it.
- I'm also on medication.
- Okay.
- I've been told I'm
not mentally healthy.
I won't foam at the mouth,
you know, I wouldn't try
to bite you or anything,
unless you wanted me to.
Here's the thing,
I need it.
- So do a lot of people.
- That doesn't scare you?
- No. I think I should
probably be on something
but I don't have
health insurance,
so I can't afford it.
- All right,
one more confession now.
- Okay.
- This is a big one,
but it's true,
and I feel this way,
and I'm never going to not
feel this way.
But I don't ever want
to have kids, ever.
- Really?
- Yes.
No kids, ever.
The thought of it is...
you know.
- I'm curious why
you're so against it.
- Magdalena,
where are you?
- It's very simple really.
Sovereignty.
- Sovereignty?
- Yeah, I just want
to preserve my freedom,
my individuality.
I want to be in
a relationship.
I'd like to grow old
with someone,
but I just don't want to do
anything I don't want to do,
and I don't want
to have kids.
Period.
What do you think of that?
- Well I have a confession
to make, too.
- [speaking spell language]
- It's my uterus.
- What's wrong
with your uterus?
- All sorts
of crazy things.
- You really can't
have kids, really?
- I really can't have kids,
never.
- That's wonderful,
actually.
- Wonderful? Really?
- Not wonderful for you.
I don't mean it like that.
But I think this is good,
maybe.
It's... you know.
It's good.
- How?
- Maybe we're meant
for each other in some way.
- Meant for each other?
- Maybe temporarily at least.
I think it could--
I think kismet
is a nice word.
- Maybe so.
- So maybe it could be
possible that...
[light orchestral music]
♪♪
- Thirty percent rent increase?
That is insane.
- It's stupid!
- Man, why you guys
acting so surprised?
That's what make
the world go 'round.
It's all about the profit.
- Come on.
- Really,
you're okay with that?
- I mean, no,
but it is what it is.
- Man, I hate that phrase,
"it is what it is."
- Here we go.
- Everything is what it is.
This bus stop is what it is.
My shirt, that graffiti,
is what it is.
Everything is what it is.
If it wasn't what it is,
it'd be something else!
- You know what else
is what it is?
Hypertension.
You need to calm down.
- Hell yeah.
You going to have
a heart attack
in the place you hate
the most, man.
Stop being so uptight.
- Yeah, relax.
- You ain't uptight enough,
man.
I'm tired of this shit.
I ain't going to pay.
- That's bullshit!
We've been together
for four months
and you still haven't
fucked me!
- I don't care.
Leave me alone.
- You're a fucking cock-tease!
- Just go.
- Hey!
You heard her.
Leave.
- I'm sorry, what did
you say, Biggie Smalls?
Biggie Smalls...
Small and Biggie.
[laughs]
I mean, c'mon.
- That's clever.
He said leave,
or we'll call the cops.
- Call the fucking cops!
I don't give a fuck.
- I got a pistol
in my office.
I'll shoot you
right between the eyes.
[eerie piano music]
♪♪
- I'm coming back.
You're a fucking bitch!
[orchestral music]
♪♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Doing good.
You're up early.
- Yeah.
Three seconds left!
- I'm impressed.
It's fruit.
[orchestral music continues]
♪♪
[urinating]
- What is this?
- Pregnancy test.
- Mm-hmm, I know
it's a pregnancy test,
but what are these
two lines here?
What does that mean?
- Pregnant.
- You're pregnant?
- Yes.
- You said you couldn't
have babies.
You said that.
You said your ovaries
were all screwed up.
You said they were... you know.
- My uterus.
- Yeah right, uterus, you said
your uterus was screwed up,
but now it's working,
so how is that possible?
- I don't know.
- How can you be
so blasé about this?
- What do you mean?
- You're just so
matter of fact.
You're just like,
"Ah, whatever."
You're eating your kiwi,
you're eating your pineapple,
you're eating your parfait,
and you're just
sitting here pregnant!
It's just another day!
This is fucked up!
This is bullshit!
We had a contract!
- A contract?
No, we didn't.
- Not a contract,
but an agreement.
We had an agreement
from day one, no kids.
We talked about this, okay?
- Well, Oscar, sometimes
life throws you a curveball.
- Really? You're using baseball
metaphors right now?
- I don't like baseball.
It's a stupid sport.
I hate that shit.
Okay?
We're not having this.
We're not having the kid.
It's not open for discussion.
We can't have this.
We're not having this.
We're not doing this.
- Fine! I'll call and make
an appointment.
- Great,
make an appointment.
That's great.
It's for the best.
Actually, no no no,
don't make an appointment.
We'll call Fred.
Fred's got pills.
He's got pills for everything.
He'll come over,
you'll take the pill.
We'll pop the zit.
It'll be great.
- Pop the zit?
- Well like the embryo's
a size of a zit,
so we'll just,
we smash it.
- Larry.
- Yes, what?
- We think you should
stop using real magic.
- What?
- Yes.
We've all been discussing it.
[chuckling]
- Are you insane?
- It's dangerous.
- Yeah, we're scared.
- We're selling out
the theater every night!
- It's still dangerous.
- Where is Magdalena?
- I told you, she... she...
She left.
- Without saying goodbye?
That's not like her.
- It was four months ago.
- It's still suspicious.
- Listen, I'm going
to use real magic.
Enough for now.
If you don't want to work here,
you can disappear,
as well.
- Well at the very least,
we don't think
you should be using it
during rehearsal.
- Stop it!
Enough!
You two are worthless!
Quentin!
- Please!
- Quentin!
- Stop yelling!
- Ticket sales have never
been better, right?
The show is a success?
- Yeah, we're great.
The ticket sales are
paying the overhead,
and with the freelance services,
we're doing better than ever.
- What freelance services?
- Never mind.
None of your business.
Go back to work, Quentin.
Everybody else,
take your positions.
[speaks spell language]
[laughing]
Am I great or what?
- Very impressive.
- I'm kind of a god,
sort of.
- You're very talented,
Larry,
but comparing
yourself to God
is a little narcissistic.
- Oh.
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
[speaking spell language]
- I've been paying rent
in this building for 45 years,
and what he's doing
is unconscionable!
- Yeah, well, I'm leaving.
- Where you going?
- Maryland.
- When?
- Next month.
This city's all different.
Something's changing.
With all these new rent hikes,
that's my last straw.
- I'm leaving, too.
- Where you going?
- Arizona.
- Mm, that's where they
landed on the moon.
- Well I'm not going anywhere.
This is my home.
- I keep telling you
we should reason with him.
- Reason with whom?
- The landlord.
Explain to him how destructive
these rent increases
are going to be.
- Oh, that's not
going to work.
- What do you mean?
We sit him down,
we make him a nice dinner,
and then we appeal
to his good nature.
- Good nature?
He is a landlord developer.
He ain't got a good nature.
- Look, I believe that
we're all God's children,
and even the landlord
has a heart.
If he's capable of sin,
he's also capable of love
and compassion.
- Are you serious?
- Yes!
- You sound like the black
Mary Poppins up in here!
[all laughing]
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, talking about all
this love and compassion,
all this nonsense.
- Othello, I don't even
know why you're here.
You own your own home.
You ain't got nothing
to worry about.
- That's right.
[doorbell ringing]
- Who's that?
- It's Fred.
- Why did you call Fred?
- What do you mean?
Hey, what's up?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
- Hey, Oscar.
- Good to see you.
You know Chase,
of course.
- Yes, I remember.
Hello.
- Hi.
- So you need a refill
on your medication?
- No, I don't need
a refill on medication.
I need something else.
Do you have
the abortion pill?
- An abortion pill?
- An abortion pill, yes.
- I have that.
This is for you?
- [speaking French]
- What the hell is that?
- It's French.
- I didn't know
you spoke French.
- There's a lot
you don't know about me.
- What did you just say?
- I like his jumpsuit.
- Yeah, me, too.
It makes me want to breakdance.
[snaps fingers]
Abortion pill, please.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, of course I'm sure.
Let me see.
- This one.
- She takes this
and gone, baby, gone, right?
- If this is what she wants.
- Yeah, of course
it's what she wants.
How much is it?
- 200.
- $200.
That's a small price
to pay for avoiding
18 years of responsibility.
In fact, it's a bargain,
if you asked me.
Here you go, babes.
Take this here.
Glass of water.
Now, take the pill.
- I'm not taking this.
- It's totally safe.
Right, Fred?
This is safe, isn't it?
- It's safe, yes.
- FDA approved?
- FDA approved, no.
- No FDA approved?
- Mm-mm.
- Was the bottle sealed
at least when you opened it?
- Oh yes, it was sealed.
- Safe enough.
Go ahead.
- No.
- It's safe. It's fine.
Drink the pill.
- I'm not taking this pill.
- Two hours ago you just
said you were going to take it.
What do you mean
you're not taking the pill?
What does that mean?
- I wasn't serious.
I just wanted you
to stop talking.
- What are you saying?
- I'm keeping it.
- No, you're not
keeping the baby.
This isn't
a John Hughes film.
We talked about this already.
- I'm aware of that.
- Listen to me.
You're not mentally healthy,
Chase. - Speak for yourself.
- Neither of us are.
That's true.
That's why this baby
is going to be messed up.
We can't have
a baby together.
The world's too dangerous.
He's going to go on
a killing spree probably.
- I hope you're in the room
when it happens.
[speaking French]
- Why do people
keep talking French?
Hold on.
Sorry about that.
I apologize.
Listen, I'm just a little
bit under pressure, okay,
because of what's
happening today.
I'm sorry.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Just let's sit down
and let's talk about this.
- No, I need to be alone
for a few hours.
- Okay, I'll call you later.
Yes, okay.
- Fine.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
I love you, okay?
All right, here's the $200.
Give me the pill.
- No.
Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not kidding you.
Give me the pill.
- I can't sell you the pill.
- Why can't you sell me
the pill?
- Because she doesn't
want to take it.
- What difference does it make
if she wants to take it or not?
- If she doesn't want
to take it,
I can't sell you the pill.
- She'll change her mind, Fred.
Women do that
all the time.
They can't make up
their minds.
- I'm sorry, Oscar.
- What kind of person are you?
You're putting morals
over money?
You're a drug dealer.
Take the money
and give me the pill.
- I'm responsible.
- You're what?
- I'm responsible.
- Responsible?
- Yes.
- How can you be responsible?
You can't even
pronounce the word.
- If I sell you the pill,
you're going to put it
in her food.
- Yes, I'm going
to put it in her food.
I'll put it in her eggs,
I'll put it in her spaghetti,
whatever it takes.
She'll take the pill,
the zit will pop.
- The zit?
What zit?
- The zit.
We're calling the baby a zit.
- No fucking way.
- Listen to me.
Hold on a second.
I'm begging you, you've got
to sell it to me, please.
I'm freaking out here.
Please, okay?
- It's not right.
- I appreciate your concern,
okay?
I'll get her to agree
to take the pill later, okay?
I will do this.
I will agree to get her
to take the pill later!
Play me in a game of
ping pong at least first.
It's been a while.
Let's play a game of ping pong.
- Fine.
- Great.
- My great-grandmother
owns this building.
- I own this building.
- Actually, the City
sold this building
to Marie Rodriguez
in the '50s for a dollar.
- My great-grandmother.
- The neighborhood
was so run down then,
the City just wanted
the property tax.
- That's right.
- It's a little like what's
happening in Detroit now.
- Okay, but that was
70 years ago.
- The thing is, Marie Rodriguez
was taken advantage of
in the early aughts
and the building was sold
illegally to a third party.
- Wait a second.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
- We feel we have
a very strong legal case
for returning the building
to Marie Rodriguez.
- My great-grandmother.
Didn't I mention that already?
- Well look,
I'm a lawyer, too.
You can't try
to hoodwink me.
- What kind of law
do you practice?
- Divorce law
back in the day,
so I know a thing or two about
how the legal system works.
- Ah, see, real estate law
is a totally different beast,
especially in New York City.
We will be taking this
to court and if we win--
- When we win.
- The City will be forced
to buy the building back
from you for what
you paid for it.
- All right, but I paid next
to nothing for this building.
- Exactly.
- I want to have a baby.
I deserve one.
- Of course you do.
Don't let him bully you.
- You're right,
he is bullying me.
- I see his point of view,
though.
- What do you mean?
- What I mean is,
I can't fault him
for not wanting
to have kids.
I was very clear with Chuck
from the beginning
about not having kids.
- You still think
that was the right decision?
- Of course I do.
Why wouldn't I?
- Yeah, well,
I want to have this.
- I don't know,
let's look at it
from Oscar's point of view.
- Cindy, he's a child.
- Yeah!
- Fucking A!
One more game.
- I got to go.
- I'll give you $1,000 for the
pill. - No.
- Play me in a game of hoops.
- No.
- I'll give you $2,000 for the
pill. - No.
- I need the pill.
- No!
- Fuck it!
- You got to relax, man.
- I'm anxious.
I need some anxiety--
Do you have a little extra
anxiety medication or something?
It's not going to interfere with
my current medication, right?
- No.
- Okay.
Okay. Look at all these pills
that you have here.
What does this one do?
- It's for Parkinson disease.
- This cures Parkinson's
disease? - Mm-hmm.
- Why is it illegal if it
cures Parkinson's disease?
- The FDA won't approve it.
- The FDA won't approve it?
Why?
- Because of the side effects.
- What are the side effects?
- Every person is different.
- What?
- It's different for every person.
- Oh, it's different for
every person, I understand.
What is this one?
- That's for speech.
- Speech?
- Mm-hmm.
- How so?
- If you have strokes,
it help you with speech.
It helps people enunciate
their more clearly.
- What about this?
What does that do?
- That's for fungus.
- Okay, what about this?
- For herpes.
- Herpes?
Oh yeah,
I've taken this already.
What about this?
- That's bad breath.
- This is for bad breath?
- Yep.
- You take this and
you don't have bad breath?
- What's the side effects?
- Body odor.
- Body odor?
What's this one?
- That's for diabetes.
- What's this one?
- That's for fibromyalgia.
- Fibromyalgia?
- That's constipation.
That's for sweaty palms.
- Sweaty palms?
- Mm-hmm.
- So If you take this you
don't have sweaty palms anymore?
- Yes.
- What's the side effects
of this?
- Sweaty ass.
- What about this one?
- That's for fertility.
- Fertility.
- You know what?
I also think it's also
narcissistic to have kids.
- Narcissistic why?
- Well you post 10 images
of your baby
on Facebook every day.
- Everybody does that.
- Every time I see you,
you have to show me photos,
every time.
[cellphone vibrating]
- It's Oscar.
What do I do?
- Answer it.
- Hello?
- I know about the fertility
pills you're taking.
- Fred told you?
- Ah, yes.
Speaking of Fred,
where the fuck do you think
you're going?
- I know you have to go,
but you're going to give me
the fucking pill now.
- Relax, Oscar.
- Leave me the pill!
You ruined my fucking life!
- I didn't ruin it.
- You ruined my life,
you fucking French fucking
faggot! - Oscar! Oscar!
- I didn't mean that
in a homoerotic way.
Listen, you fucked me too,
okay?
- I didn't fuck you.
- Defend yourself.
Explain to me how
you didn't fuck me.
- What I do with my body
is my choice.
- God, my body, my choice,
me this, me that.
Women are so selfish, okay?
- Fuck you, Oscar!
- Fuck you!
- You're taking the pill now.
You're definitely
taking the pill now!
You have to take it!
[cellphone disconnects]
[chanting spells]
[dramatic orchestral music]
♪♪
- Man, that show tonight,
Lucy, was amazing.
I mean, Larry,
he's really scary,
but where do you
think we go?
- Leah!
Shut up!
- Are you okay, Lucy?
- I have a headache.
- Oh.
- Stop talking to me,
please.
Fred, finally!
What took you so long?
So, come here.
Now, you have
that headache pill?
- Yes.
- This is an old injury
when I was very young.
I've been seeing doctors
all over the world!
No one can fix it!
- I can fix it.
- One pill?
- That's all you need.
- For $1,000, I hope so.
[exhales]
- It worked.
See?
And you look beautiful.
- I can smile.
- That's great.
- [laughing]
I can smile!
- I have to go.
- I can see a rainbow!
Fred!
- Good seeing you.
- You're amazing!
Thank you!
["Walk Away" by The Pass]
♪ Always you walk away ♪
♪ You put the money
on your shoulder ♪
♪ You're walking to the moon ♪
♪ Every time you say ♪
♪ That this will be
the last of our time ♪
♪ The movie that we made ♪
♪♪
- You're saying I have no
legal recourse whatsoever?
- None.
- I've used a condom
with almost every woman
I've ever been with.
If I'd have known that
she could get pregnant,
I would've taken precautions.
We would have
used birth control.
I'm going to have
to get a job now!
- No, you're not.
Sell me one of your places.
- No, I'm not going to sell
you my apartments, nah.
- Sell me this place.
I love it.
- I love this apartment, too.
I'm not going to change my life.
That's my point.
I didn't do
anything wrong, okay?
This isn't fair.
- All right,
how about Plan B then?
- Plan B, she doesn't
want to take the abortion pill.
- I'm not talking about
that kind of Plan B.
I'm talking about
a real plan B.
What we're going to talk
about right now
has to stay between
you and me.
- Sure.
- All right.
Remember that magic show
we went to a couple
months ago?
- Yeah, that was
the night I met Chase.
- So the magician
in the magic show,
you're not going
to believe this,
but I hired him to get rid
of some of my tenants.
- What are you
talking about?
- You know those buildings
I have in Bushwick
where the rent should be
really high
but I'm stuck
with all those tenants
in rent-controlled leases?
Well Larry is helping me
get rid of some of the tenants.
- Larry the magician?
- Yes.
- Get rid of the tenants?
- Yeah, he's making
them disappear.
- The tenants?
- Yes.
- He's killing the tenants?
- He's not killing them.
He's making them disappear.
- What's the difference?
- Well remember in the magic
show when I disappeared
and I came back?
So I didn't die.
- Where did you go?
- I don't know.
- Where do the tenants go?
- I'm not sure.
- Does the magician know?
- I don't think so.
- Are you going
to bring them back?
- We haven't talked
about that part yet.
- You're making the
tenants disappear,
you don't know
where they're going,
and you don't plan on
bringing them back.
This is fucked up.
- It's business.
In the meantime,
what I was thinking
is that we could do
the same thing for...
- The embryo.
- The embryo.
[dissonant piano note]
[mysterious piano music]
♪♪
- You know what
the problem is?
There's no sense
of loyalty anymore.
Why is it if a man stays
on the job he gets a raise,
but if you stay in
an apartment a long time
you get punished?
You should get a reward
for staying in an apartment.
- Please!
- The rent should go down,
not up!
- How in the hell
is that supposed to work?
- Just like I said.
Every year you stay
in the apartment,
drop that rent $50,
you know, for loyalty.
- So, In like 40 years you'll
be living there for free?
- Hell yeah.
- You're a dumb ass.
- You look handsome today.
- That's nice to hear.
- I haven't felt
this good in years.
My headaches are gone.
- I'm happy for you.
- Now I can see all
the positivity in the world.
It's like there's a glow
everywhere.
- You can see my glow?
- I don't mean literally.
Your aura has always
been dark.
- Well, the world
is a cesspool.
[laughs]
- No!
The world is a rainbow!
- Are you on something?
Are you taking drugs?
Are you high?
- Yeah, I'm high on life.
Yes.
- Are you ready?
- Absolutely.
- [speaking spell language]
[Lucy laughing]
- [speaking spell language]
[Lucy laughing]
- [speaking spell language]
[Lucy laughing]
- Oh, wow!
That was great!
Bravo, Larry!
You really sharpened
your skills.
I'm so proud of you.
You're still an asshole,
but I love you all the same.
Oh, look at this big
handsome gentleman.
- Hey, Lucy.
How are you?
- I feel great.
I feel 10 feet tall.
How are you?
- Well, I don't feel
10 feet tall.
[Lucy laughs]
- Dean.
You've got such a great
sense of humor.
- Larry.
- Yeah?
- Jamie's here to see you.
He has someone with him.
- Yeah, I'm expecting them.
- Can you help me or not?
- Hold on a second.
Just a second.
- Is that your book
of spells?
- It's not just a book
of spells.
- Really?
- I wrote each one
of these words by hand.
- That's impressive.
- Okay.
- Is that blood?
- Can I buy
the book from you?
- You don't have enough
money to make me an offer.
- Not yet, but think
about what we could do.
It was just the beginning
the other day.
We could roll into Bed-Stuy
and buy the buildings
and then go clear them out.
Bam bam bam,
floor by floor, jack the rents!
- Oh, God.
- We could do it
and then we could go south
to Sunset Park
and Bay Ridge.
We could make
a fortune together.
- I don't want to do that.
I don't need a partner.
- Are you serious?
You seriously want to do that?
You don't have enough?
- Come on!
- Can you listen?
Let's get back to me.
Can you help me or not?
This is very simple.
We need to do what's
need to be done.
- Of course, of course.
I'm a professional.
If I can make an adult
disappear,
I can make a baby disappear.
- It's not a baby.
It's an embryo.
There's a difference.
- You just tell yourself that
to make yourself feel better.
- My conscience is clear.
- You know what you're
asking me to do is
unspeakable.
- What I am asking you
to do is unspeakable?
What you guys have done
is mortifying.
This is one person
that doesn't even exist yet.
You guys have wiped out
a whole...
Like, fucking Nigeria,
basically.
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
[unintelligible crosstalk]
- What's up?
- Hello.
- What are you reading?
Ah, "The Invisible Man."
I didn't know they made
a book about that.
You ever see the movie?
- I don't think they made
a movie about this book.
- Yeah, they did.
Claude Rains in the '30s.
It's a classic.
The special effects are way
ahead of their times.
Pretty creepy.
- You know, that's something
different, actually.
This book and that movie,
they're not related.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.
This was written in the '50s,
but it's also a classic.
- Yeah, but it was
written in the '50s,
so it's probably a book
adaptation of the movie.
They do that sometimes.
The movie comes out
and then they write a book
based on the movie,
like they did for
"Friday the 13th Part Six."
- There's a Six?
Oh.
- You like slasher films?
- No...
No, but I've read
a Stephen King book once.
- Oh yeah, Stephen King.
I'd seen that one movie
that one time, "Misery"?
With that fat bitch that
kidnapped James Caan
and ties him to a chair,
breaks his fucking feet
with a hammer.
- Jeez.
- That shit is crazy!
You never saw that?
- No, I haven't
seen that one.
- Oh man,
that fat bitch is nuts.
We should watch it together
sometime, you know.
- I don't mean
to sound rude...
Do you mind
leaving me alone?
- Listen, I know
things have been
tense around here lately.
- Yes, they've been tense.
- And I do know why
you invited me to lunch,
so why don't we address
the elephant in the room.
- Well--
- We think that these rent
increases are unreasonable.
- Well I realize
they're unpopular.
- Yes,
and if they're enforced,
people are going
to have to move!
- I'm aware of that.
- And that doesn't bother you?
- No.
Not really.
- With all due respect,
it's unfair.
- When it comes to money,
fairness has nothing
to do with it.
It's just a term that
people use when they
disapprove of something,
like racism.
- What does that mean?
- Did you hear about
those two black guys
that were in a coffee shop
but they didn't order
any coffee?
- Of course.
They got arrested.
- Right.
The manager said
you got to order something
or else you have to leave,
and they refused.
So the manager
called the cops
and they were arrested
for trespassing.
- Now, black people
started protesting
and said it was about race,
but it wasn't about race.
If they had ordered
one cup of coffee,
they could've stayed.
It's the principle
of capitalism.
If you want to sit down
somewhere, you got to pay.
If it was racist, they wouldn't
have been allowed
to enter the coffee shop
in the first place.
- We're not talking about
sitting down
and having a cup
of coffee.
We're talking about
people's homes!
- You've been raising
the rent on us every year.
This 30% increase is
going to drive everybody out!
- Well it's the same
principle, though.
If you can pay,
you can stay,
and if you can't,
you got to leave.
- That's racist.
- Listen, I hate
to break it to you guys,
but Jane Jacobs is dead.
If I had my way,
I'd privatize every
last square inch
of public space
in this city.
I'd turn Central Park
into a parking lot.
I believe in complete
laissez faire capitalism.
100% no exceptions.
- Well I guess that's that,
then.
- Well thanks
for the meatloaf.
By the way,
it's nothing personal.
I mean, I'm not racist.
I've had sex
with a lot of black girls.
[gasps]
- What?
- Thanks for the meatloaf.
- Goodbye!
- So you're broke.
- What?
What's that?
How am I broke?
- You've been spending money
like the Queen of Versailles
and not investing
your money wisely.
- I haven't been investing
my money at all, Terry.
- Actually, you have.
- No, I haven't been.
I've told you I wanted to have
all the money in a bank account.
I'm living off the interest
for perpetuity.
We talked about this.
- The new SCC rules state
that you can't just
leave your money
sitting in a bank account.
You have to invest it.
It's the Friedman Act.
I told you this last year.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes.
Unless I forgot to tell you.
- What are you saying?
I don't get this.
What are you trying to say?
- I invested all your money.
- In what?
- In big box stores.
Sears, Kmart,
a company called Bamazon.
- Bamazon?
What the fuck is Bamazon?
- Big box store, Bamazon.
It's like Amazon except
everything's more expensive.
- Why would you invest
in big box stores?
That's ridiculous.
- Look, Oscar,
I don't follow the herd,
okay?
If everybody goes down
one road,
I go down the other.
- You're gambling
with my money, man.
This is fucked up.
- I am managing your money.
I'm managing it.
That's what you
pay me for,
and now you don't even have
enough money to do that.
- Why would you put
all my money in Kmart?
- I didn't put it all in there.
I put some of it into
a medical company
by this incredible
entrepreneur.
- Yeah, who?
- Elizabeth Holmes.
Turns out
she's not so incredible.
- What am I
going to do, man?
- Sell one of your
apartments.
- I don't want to sell
one of my apartments.
- You got two apartments.
It's stupid.
- You're stupid.
You lost my fucking money.
- I'm not stupid.
I'm reckless.
There's a difference.
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
- You fucking cunt.
God, you fucking dumb bitch.
You're not going to do
better than me,
you stupid fucking cunt.
Watch where the fuck
you're walking,
you piece of shit!
Goddammit!
- Whoa, whoa, bro,
bro, bro.
- Watch where the fuck
you're walking,
you piece of shit!
Goddammit!
Motherfucker.
- Hey asshole, watch
where you're fucking going!
- You stupid fucking bitch!
- You're a stupid cunt,
all right?!
- Why don't you put on
some fucking decent shoes?!
[organ music playing]
♪♪
[audience applauds]
- Good show, right?
- I thought it was
a good show, yeah.
- For sure.
- What, you're fucking
a nigger and a midget now?
- What'd you say?
- Ah, I'm just kidding!
- Yeah, that was funny.
- Yeah.
I just wanted to come here
and tell you to your face
that you're a kike bitch.
- Dude, why don't you get
the fuck out of here?
- What the fuck are you
going to do about it?
- I have a pistol.
- I got your pistol
right here, Fat Albert.
And I will squish you
like a fucking insect,
you little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck.
- Try me, bitch.
- Leah, please.
Why did you fucking do this?
- Please leave.
Get out of here.
- Don't fucking touch me!
You don't know me!
I fucking kill people
with my bare hands!
I annihilate villages!
I'm a fucking army of one!
Don't fuck with me!
I'll take on Russia!
I'll skull-fuck Saigon!
I'm an atom bomb!
- Hey. Um...
Go up to the balcony
and look out the balcony.
Use the binoculars.
- Why?
- Just do it.
- Okay,
I'm going to the balcony.
What am I looking for?
- I see you.
I see you.
- You see me? Where...?
- Yeah.
Look to the west
of the park
and down on the ground.
Down to the ground
west of the park,
down to the sidewalk.
You see me?
- I see you,
and I don't care.
- What's that?
- I don't care.
- You see me?
- Yeah, I see you. I don't care.
- You see me?
Fuck.
Hold on a second.
What's that?
Do you see it?
- I see it
and I don't care.
- No, seriously,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, seriously.
- No, seriously.
You're a misogynistic
asshole.
- You're definitely right
about that,
but listen, I got
something to say, okay?
Hey, put the binoculars
up to your eyes.
Just watch.
Look at this.
I want to show you
one thing.
Just wait a second.
Goddamn motherfucking shit.
Hold on.
Look at this.
- I don't believe you.
- It's true.
I really want to do it.
I want to have a baby.
I do.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be a dad.
- Okay, Oscar.
What about your
mission in life
to never have any
responsibility?
- Yeah, fuck that.
I don't care about that.
Fuck it.
It's fine fine fine fine fine.
Fuck it. Fuck it.
Fuck it.
- I don't believe--
I don't trust you.
I wish could but I can't.
- Listen, let's talk
about this over dinner, okay?
Let's have a dinner
at that restaurant
the first time we met.
Then we'll go back
to that magic show,
because I've heard they've
changed the whole thing
and it's brilliant now.
Let's do it.
Let's talk about it.
Let's go on a date.
Will you go on
a date with me?
Chase?
- I don't know.
I have to think about it.
- Hold on.
- Hey.
I got you a salad.
- Thank you.
- So the guy
from the bodega
asked me if I was the guy
from 'Game of Thrones."
- What'd you say?
- I told him no
and then I asked
if he was the guy
from "Slumdog Millionaire."
- [laughs]
That's not really
an insult, though.
The guy from "Game of Thrones,"
he's really attractive.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'd go out with him.
- Really?
- Oh yeah.
But if he was a nice guy.
I could really use
a nice guy right now.
[cellphone ringing]
- [sighs]
Yes, what is it?
- Hey, it's Oscar, Larry.
- Yes, what do you want?
- I just wanted to check
in to see how the spell's going
- Oh, I'm working on it now.
- Okay, you think
it's going to work?
- Yes.
Now, before we go
through with this,
you're going to have to
deposit the rest of the money
in the bank.
- What are you talking about,
man?
I already paid you.
- No, you paid me half.
What you paid me for was
for writing the spell.
If you want me
to perform it,
it's another $20,000.
- $20,000?
I didn't agree to that!
- Take it or leave it.
- Fucking A. Goddammit.
Look, man,
the show is tomorrow, okay.
Just let me pay you the
second half after the show,
because maybe it won't work,
and then--
- It'll work,
but if I don't get the money,
I'll put it back in.
- You can do that, Larry?
Seriously?
Because I didn't...
- [sighs]
[ominous piano music]
♪♪
- So look, I was trying to
buy a baby crib online today,
but the credit card
was declined.
- Why were you buying
a baby crib?
- Because we're having
a fucking baby.
- Yeah, but they're
really expensive, Chase.
- Okay, so what's
the baby going to sleep in,
a dresser?
- That's not
a terrible idea.
Isn't that what they did
during the Great Depression,
they put the babies
in the dressers
when they had to sell
their cribs
to maintain their--
- Why are you so sweaty?
- It's hot as fuck out here.
What do you mean?
- No, you're really sweaty.
Are you sick or nervous,
or what's going on?
- No. I'm just excited
about the show.
- Oscar, we can go home.
We've already seen this.
- No, why would we go home?
I'm excited about the show.
Are you kidding?
No, no, no, no.
I'm just excited.
- Thank you.
- Let's go, come on.
- Why are you
having us do this?
- Just shut up and do it.
- This is disgusting.
- It's a watermelon, Lucy.
It's not a cadaver, okay?
Go get me that gerbil.
- What?
Why?
- You'll see.
- This is animal cruelty.
- Putting a gerbil inside
a fucking watermelon
is not animal cruelty,
not even close.
- It's going to get PTSD.
- Oh, that's right.
Call the Humane Society.
I'm Michael Vick.
Put it inside!
- Be brave, little buddy.
- I don't understand
what you're doing.
- Of course you don't
understand.
It's like explaining quantum
physics to a four-year-old.
[chuckles]
I'm on another level!
- You're deluded
is what you are.
- [speaking spell language]
- What is this?
- Be quiet.
- Is this a new spell?
- [speaking spell language]
- We haven't practiced this!
- Open it!
- This could be dangerous!
- It's gone.
- Excellent!
Let's start the show!
[chuckles]
- Are you nervous
about something?
- No. Why?
- You're sweating profusely.
- No, I'm just...
It's hot as fuck in here.
There weren't that many
people here last time.
All these bodies and stuff.
- I know, they're doing better.
- It's a lot hotter
and whatnot.
- Do you want me to get
you some water or something?
- I'm fine. I'm just...
[audience applause]
- Some people
are truly terrified.
They call it witchcraft,
sorcery,
but it's really just a matter
of moving molecules.
I'm not a magician
so much,
just a scientist.
My cape is an instrument,
as you can see,
and my words
provide the electricity.
I will show you.
[speaking spell language]
[audience gasps]
[speaking spell language]
[audience gasps]
It's a science.
[speaking spell language]
[audience applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, I would like
a nice girl
in the audience.
How about you
in the front row
with the brown hair
and chestnuts for eyes?
- No, no.
- Yeah.
- That last time was scary.
- It's okay.
- No.
- Please, join me.
- Go on, go up there.
- I don't want to.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Don't be afraid.
And what is your name?
- Chase.
- Chase.
Let's hear it for Chase.
[audience applause]
In the old days we would move
this box over the trapdoor
and we would put
someone in it,
cover the box,
and the person
would disappear
of course
through the trapdoor,
but now...
[speaking spell language]
[audience murmuring]
We do things differently.
We are going to use
a different kind of magic.
As you can see--
- Stop!
- Magdalena,
you came back.
What do you think
you're doing?
I'm in the middle
of a show.
- Is this girl pregnant?
- What?
Are you pregnant?
You're trying to make
her baby disappear?
- Me?
- What?
Me? I would do
no such thing.
Get out of here!
You're not safe here!
Go! Run away!
- I don't understand.
- How could you do
something so heartless?
- But it doesn't have a heart.
- You're a fucking pig!
- This is unbelievable!
Magdalena, my wife,
I thought she left me
four months ago
and now she comes back!
[chuckling]
It's unbelievable!
- Chase, listen, seriously,
I'm sorry, seriously.
- You're this much
of a scumbag?
You hired the magician
to make the baby disappear?
- You tricked me into
having a baby to begin with.
I figured I was within
my rights to trick you
into getting rid of it,
to be honest.
- Okay, well, you can stop
trying to trick me now
because you're
off the hook, okay?
I'm going to have
this baby alone,
and I don't want
you near it.
- I'm not off the hook.
Financially I still
have to take care of it.
I still have to pay
child support or alimony,
whatever the fuck
you call it.
So I'm not off the hook
by any means, by any means.
- Okay, Oscar,
well, that's how it works.
- Yeah, but I got bad news.
We're broke.
Okay, so one of us
is going to have to get a job
to take care of the
little motherfucker,
and it's going to be me.
Yeah, you can smile
all you want.
It's not going to be
you working.
It's a man.
It's a man's world.
We bring home the bacon,
you fry it up in a pan.
- You know what?
I don't give a shit,
because I don't want
your money.
I don't want
anything from you.
I especially don't want you.
But you know, Oscar,
I think a baby is exactly
what you need.
Have you ever thought of that?
It might actually give you
something to focus on
besides yourself.
- Nobody needs
a fucking baby, Chase.
Just another form
of self-absorption.
It's not altruistic,
you passing your DNA
along to someone else.
Nobody needs your DNA.
How much evil
did you do with this?
- Not too much.
- How much?
Only a small amount.
Can you fix it?
I think so.
You better try.
And then I want you
to destroy it.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
I want to see Leah.
- She doesn't want
to see you.
- Fine, I'll wait
for her to get out.
- She's not coming out.
- Look, I know she's dating
that little person.
Is she fucking him?
- I don't know.
- Because if she's
fucking him,
I'll twist his
little tiny head off
and cum down his throat.
Tell him that shit,
would you?
- Can I make a suggestion?
- No, you can't.
- You need help.
- You need help.
All women do.
- Call this number.
This guy can help you.
- Hey, tell Fat Boy Slim
and Baby Dick
to keep their hands
off my lady.
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
[knocking on door]
- Yes?
- Hi.
Do you own this place?
- My dad does.
- Do you think he might
be interested in selling it?
- Maybe.
Are you interested
in buying it?
- Actually, I am.
- Dad.
- What?
- Come here.
- I'm busy!
- A nice man
wants to buy our house.
He's in a suit
and he looks rich.
- How much?
- Well, I've got
to look inside,
take a look at the pipes,
and then I'll let you know--
- You're not coming in
my house.
- I have to look inside if I--
- Last time I let a white man
in my house he tried to play
Air Supply on my stereo.
Man, fuck that shit.
- Listen, I do need
to come inside
and look around
to give you an offer.
- Okay,
it's in good shape.
- How much you offering,
white boy?
- Three-hundred thousand.
- Man, fuck you.
- Dad.
- Cash.
- Hester, get inside.
- It's 325.
- You see,
he thinks we're stupid.
He's trying to take
advantage of us.
- Three seventy-five.
- Okay, this house is worth
twice as much as that.
- You see?
My baby even knows
what time it is.
Man, you get the hell
out of here.
- All right, well
thanks for your time.
- Wait, hold on.
Why do you want us
to leave so badly?
You don't like
the color brown?
- I love the color brown.
I had a brown Ford Nova
in high school.
- What'd you do with it,
paint it white?
- Absolutely not.
I drove it all the way
through college.
I even lost my virginity
in that car.
- Are you talking
sex to my daughter?
- No.
- Hester, I ain't telling you
no more, get inside.
[camera shutter clicks]
- What are you doing?
What?
Are you taking my picture?
- Smile for me.
[camera shutter clicking]
- Why are you taking my picture?
- You know how it is when
you see a suspicious
black man in a hoodie
in the neighborhood,
you white folks warn
everybody who's coming?
I'm going to warn
everybody about you.
- Yeah,
but I'm not dangerous.
- Yeah?
Ain't nothing more dangerous
than a white man in a suit.
- Hey, man,
forget the whole thing.
Just forget it.
- Mm-hmm.
Everybody going to know
who you are.
Yeah, yeah, you going to be
like that Michael Richard,
you know the one who yelled
nigga in that nightclub?
[camera shutter clicking]
Right! Mm-hmm.
You going to be public enemy
number one up in here!
That's right!
Hester, get on in the house!
I told you already!
- You Fred?
I got fucking problems, man.
- Yeah, Lucy told me
you have problem,
you have a lot of problems.
- What?
- Lucy told me
you have problems.
- Okay, your voice
is fucked up, too.
Your girlfriend, she sounds like
she's from fucking Transylvania.
You sound like
you're from fucking...
Where the fuck are you from?
- France.
- You guys don't got
speech therapists in France?
- You're an asshole.
- Hey, Fred.
Fred!
I'm fucking sorry,
all right?
I know I'm an asshole.
I'm also racist.
I'm misogynistic.
I'm violent.
I accost people in the street.
I fucking yell at old ladies.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
- Why would you do that?
- I don't know why I do it.
I come from a good home.
My parents are decent people.
I don't know.
I have this uncle that used
to watch me when I was little,
and he kind of filled my head
with a bunch of crazy bullshit.
- Who was that?
- Bill O'Reilly.
Goddammit.
My ass is all sweaty, man.
- I may have a pill for that.
- I just need
to wipe my ass.
Do you have a pill
to make me a better person?
I don't got to be great.
Just make me decent.
- And for my next trick,
I will be making
somebody disappear.
Lucy, Dean,
can you please pick somebody
from the audience
to disappear?
Someone vivacious, please.
- What about this
beautiful young man?
- What about you, ma'am?
You sure?
- How about this
beautiful man?
- No, thank you.
- You, ma'am?
You sure?
How about you, ma'am?
- You, ma'am?
- Come on, you sure?
- How about this beautiful man?
- No thank you.
- Look, I think he's perfect.
I'll take him for a date.
I guess it's you, sir.
- Oh, yes!
Yes, we have a volunteer.
Thank you.
[audience clapping]
Thank you so much, sir!
What's your name?
- Jerry.
- Jerry!
You're going to get
into this box,
and I'm going to make
your particles completely
disintegrate.
- Okay, let's do it.
- You want to get in this box?
- I'm ready.
Just go right in?
- Yeah.
- So sit down?
- That's great.
- [grunting in effort]
You good?
- I'm fine.
- Okay. All right, guys,
- I'm good.
- we're going to make Jerry
disappear.
[audience clapping]
Woo!
All right!
[rumbling in box]
[nervous chuckling]
[speaking spell language]
Behold.
Jerry is gone.
[audience mildly clapping]
He's particles.
Split up into
billions of pieces
and they are floating
right now
into one of these chairs.
[Jerry coughing]
- Okay.
Oh, very good, sir.
Only one more flight!
- That was something.
- Okay, come this way.
- It's a little steep,
but not so bad.
- This stair,
you go to this stair now.
- Oh, no, no, no, no,
I'm not going!
- Yes, yes, yes,
you're coming with me.
- No, I just came up
those stairs!
I'm not going up any more
stairs! - It's fine!
- I'm going back to my chair.
- This sucks!
- No, it doesn't.
It's amazing.
It's magic!
- Around and around
and around!
- My hips hurt!
- [nervous chuckle]
- My knees hurt.
- Sorry, I just
came up those stairs.
- Go back, go back, go
back!
- Look where I just came--
- It's okay, it's okay.
Go back to your seat.
Go back to your seat.
- Fine.
[Jerry exhales]
- It's Jerry!
[single clapping]
Hey, Jerry.
Yeah, he's so magical.
Jerry.
Thank you
for coming to the show,
this wonderful magic show.
Please come again.
I'm Leah the Lovely.
- You're lying,
just admit it!
- No.
- You're breaking up with me
because of my height!
- It has nothing
to do with that.
- You're getting back
to that racist redneck
piece of shit!
- It's not like that.
He's changed.
- Bullshit!
He called you a kike!
- He hates everybody
equally.
- Look, you think
I'm handsome,
I'm funny.
We have fun together.
- Yes, that's true.
- I never once
pressured you to have sex.
- I appreciate that.
- Look, I don't care
if we never have sex.
I just want to be with you.
- Ralphie's waiting for me.
I have to go.
[somber piano music]
♪♪
- Everything okay?
- It's fine.
- Look, I think that maybe
I should go apologize to him.
- No.
Maybe later.
Let's go.
- You look amazing pregnant.
- You really do
look good, sweetie.
- Oh, thank you.
I do feel amazing.
- I'm jealous.
- Yeah?
- I'm not, but I'm happy for
you.
- You were so against it
nine months ago.
- That's because I was
defending the other baby.
Speaking of,
how's Oscar handling all this?
- Oh, he's doing okay.
He's actually looking
for a job right now.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I thought you guys
sold the old apartment.
- We did, but we got
completely ripped off
with the apartment.
We didn't get market value.
- That place
is worth millions.
- No, not really.
You know Jamie.
She knows Jamie.
She dated him.
- Oh, God.
- He bought the apartment,
and he totally
screwed us over.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Just like him, though.
Not surprised.
- I thought
they were friends.
- Hey, Larry.
Larry.
- Hello.
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
- It says here
in special skills
that you can change the memory
on a Commodore 64?
- Yeah, I can.
- That's a completely
antiquated system.
No one uses Commodore 64s.
We certainly do not.
- I know that, but the
vinyl record came back so...
- So you're serious?
- Okay, listen,
I'm going to be honest
with you, Ted.
Now, listen to me here,
just man to man, okay?
I don't know anything
about coding
or languages or any
X code or whatever,
hyperlink language
and stuff like that.
I dabbled with HTML
for a while.
I know a few tags.
And I designed a website
in DreamWeaver once,
but I think I've
pretty much forgotten
how to use that, too.
- DreamWeaver?
- Yeah. Look, man.
I've got a baby on the way,
and I really need a job.
Here's the thing you got
to think about, man.
Our kind,
we're under threat.
- Our kind?
- Yeah.
You know, men.
Culturally we're under assault.
And especially white guys.
It's like everyone
hates us now
because they're blaming us
for all the problems,
because we've been in
power for so long
and the world's fucked up.
And I feel like you need
to hire white people like us,
or else we're going
to get phased out, you know.
- Are you even white?
- Yeah, if it helps me
get the job,
yeah, I'm super white.
Ronald Reagan white.
Republican white,
completely.
Not David Duke white,
but white enough
to get the job done,
you know what I'm saying?
- "White enough
to get the job done"?
- Yeah, of course,
but look,
I can also go
the other way, too.
You know what I mean?
You know what I'm saying?
- No.
- I can be Arab.
I can be Mexican.
I can be whatever you want.
I can be on one side
of the spectrum,
I can be on the other side
of the spectrum.
If you need to hire a
white guy, which you should,
because white guys need
to stick together, do it.
Hire me
and I'll be white.
If you need to hire
more minorities,
I'm your man for that, too,
and I can be whatever.
I could be Akbar,
I could be Chico.
The bottom line is
I need a job, man.
I mean, you know.
- [sighs]
- We have enough money left
to keep the show going
for another six weeks.
- Six weeks?
- Yeah.
- Shit.
- Listen, there are options.
We can...
Tuesday nights we can open up
an open mic night
and have guitars and--
- No fucking way.
- Are you sure you want it?
- Yes.
- Are you certain?
- Yes.
- This is new.
- How does it work?
- Just drink it.
- And I'll grow taller?
- Yes.
- It doesn't seem possible.
- It works.
- How much taller?
- I don't know.
- Are there any
side effects?
- It might change you.
- Change me how?
- Your face.
- It's going
to change my face?
- Yeah, it could.
- I like my face.
I have a handsome face.
- You do have
a handsome face.
- You have a handsome
face, too.
- Thank you.
- So, it's going to make
my face all fucked up and shit?
- Fucked up?
- Yeah, like
the Elephant Man.
- I don't know
the Elephant Man.
- The Elephant Man,
John Merrick.
They did a movie about him.
It's really sad.
- What did he look like?
- It's the Elephant Man.
Google it.
- Okay.
Elephant Man.
[sighs]
Here?
This guy?
- No, that's Mickey Rourke.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that's him.
[scoffs]
- Oh.
No, you won't look like him,
but it might change you.
You will look different.
Wait.
If you drink it,
there's no going back.
[cellphone ringing]
- Hello?
- Yes, is this Mr. Trout?
- Yeah.
- This is Carl over at
Systems Tech in Jersey.
- Oh, what's up?
How's it going?
- I've got some great
news for you, Mr. Trout.
- Okay.
- On behalf
of everyone here,
we'd like to offer
you the job.
- Oh.
Oh. Great.
- Congratulations, Mr. Trout.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Can you start work
on Monday?
- Yeah.
I can be there Monday.
- Great.
See you then.
Hey, and have fun tonight.
- Have fun tonight?
What do you mean?
- Well, I assume
you'll be celebrating.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
- It's a tough market
right now.
Finding a job that pays
this well isn't easy.
- Right, $42,000 a year.
That's pretty much
a fortune.
That's a big one.
- Oh, and one more thing.
If you don't mind,
we have a policy on haircuts
and beards.
- A policy?
- Yeah, so you'll need
to take care of that
before you come in
on Monday.
- You want me to cut my hair
and shave my beard?
- It's just how things
work around here.
- Okay.
- Great.
See you Monday, Mr. Trout.
Have a nice weekend.
- See you Monday.
Without that book,
we're finished.
You can't get it back?
No, I sold it.
- Why did you do that?
- You told me to get rid of it.
We needed the money.
It's the only thing
keeping us afloat.
I thought you didn't care
if we lost this place.
This theater is a monument.
I don't want to see it
destroyed.
If we sell it,
they'll probably put
a fucking pharmacy here.
They have pills
for everything now.
It's its own magic.
It's such a shame.
I never told you this but...
I know a few spells
of my own.
Really? All these years
and you never told me?
- I have a few secrets, too.
- Seriously?
What kind of spells
do you know?
I know one that will
win us the lottery.
The lottery?
How does it work?
Simple.
We just need the menstrual
blood of a young girl.
Let's just use yours.
You're young.
Not young enough,
I'm afraid.
That's okay.
We'll find someone.
- Let's do it.
- She must be a virgin.
- Hmm.
- There it goes!
A little higher next time.
[doorbell ringing]
- Hey.
- Oscar.
What's up?
- Hey, Wendy.
- Hi.
- What's doing?
- I need something.
- What do you need?
What do you need?
- I need the book.
- What book?
- You know, the book.
- "And I will squish you
like a fucking insect,
"you little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!
"And I will squish you like
a fucking insect,
"you little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!
"Little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!
Little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!"
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
[whooshing sound]
- Excuse me.
Can I help you?
- Hi, Leah.
- Hi.
- It's me.
- You who?
- It's me, Dean.
- What the fuck, Dean?
What happened to your face?
- I know, it changed.
- Yeah.
- Do you hate it?
- No.
You're still handsome.
- You're so beautiful.
- Dean, stop.
Did Larry do this to you?
- No.
- Then how?
Oh God, you're huge.
- I did it for us.
- What?
What do you mean?
- I did it so
we could be together.
What's wrong?
- Now you're too tall.
- What is it, Leah?
- I liked you
the way you were, Dean.
- Leah,
where are you going?
I love you!
Leah, come back!
- Dean, you look great!
- It worked!
- Thanks.
But I want to be with you!
I love you!
- I don't like tall guys.
- Why didn't you
say that before?
- I'm sorry, it's true.
I mean, if you were like
5'8" or 5'6" or something,
but you're 6'2" or 6'3",
and that's just too tall.
I'm sorry.
- Um, Leah?
Hi.
Can we talk to you
for a second, please?
- Sure.
- Come on in.
It's uh--
Oh.
- Hi.
- This way, please.
Can I help you?
- Oh hey, Quentin.
It's me, Dean.
- Oh.
I didn't recognize you.
Did you cut your hair?
Or...
Okay.
Listen, you've been here
for over a year now,
and we just want to check in
and make sure
that you're happy here.
- Yeah, it's been a blast.
I hope everyone's
happy with my work.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
You've been great.
You've been great.
- Good.
Listen, that thing
between me and Dean
has just been a fling.
I know it's been
making things weird,
but we're working
things out.
- Oh, not at all.
You don't have to worry
about that.
- Good.
Then why am I here?
- We need a glass
of your menstrual blood.
- Do you hate me?
- I love you.
- Really?
- Of course.
- I just feel
kind of bad for you.
- Why?
- Well, you're starting
that new job tomorrow.
- Don't be ridiculous,
okay?
Look, I've lived
a very privileged life.
Up until now
I've been very lucky.
I mean, I'm lucky now.
I'm lucky now.
I'm luckier now
than I've ever been.
With the baby coming.
I'm working.
This is good.
You know?
- Mm-hmm.
- You're going to shave,
right?
You're going to do that tonight?
- Of course, yeah.
I'm going to shave tonight.
I'm going to get a haircut
first thing in the morning.
- Okay.
- I'm excited.
Change is good.
- Can't say I'm going
to miss that beard.
- Well, yeah.
I need to grow up anyway.
I'm not Peter Pan.
You've got to grow up
sometime.
And I'm ready.
I'm ready to be part
of the club.
The parent club.
Children first.
- Yeah, but that's not what
it's all about, okay.
Remember, you have
to have me time, too.
- I'm going to have
plenty of me time.
Don't worry about that.
There's a commute
to work and...
I think we have a 30-minute
lunch break.
I've been feeling
so sorry for myself lately,
but fuck that.
We still have this
beautiful apartment.
It's small, yes,
but look at that.
Look at that view.
How many people could say
they have a view like this,
Chase?
Chase?
Oh.
[sighs deeply]
[melancholy orchestral music]
♪♪
[exhales deeply]
[sighs]
[heart beating]
[sighs]
[heart beating continues]
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
- Where's Rosa?
- She said she probably
be late again.
Probably fighting
with Anthony.
- I don't even know
what she sees in that clown.
- You know how she is.
She'll talk to anybody.
- She ain't dated me.
- She not that stupid.
- Hey!
- I wouldn't fuck with Rosa
if she had Beyonce's pussy.
- Hey, you want to play?
- Who, me?
- Yeah.
We need an extra man.
- Oh, I'd love to.
- Come on.
["Pretty Please"
by The Triplett Twins]
♪♪
♪ Pretty please
with sugar on top
♪ Baby give me
that love you've got
♪ Keep it comin' girl,
good and hot
♪ I don't want you
to ever stop
♪ Baby I've been watching you
♪ For a long, long time
♪ I'd be so happy if
♪ I could make you mine
♪ The way you touch me
- Do you have any
performance experience?
- Um, yeah.
I played Juliet's nurse
in a community theater
production of
"Romeo and Juliet."
- That's interesting.
- Yeah.
I'm really good.
It's so hard to find work
in this town,
but I know
Uta Hagen's playbook
like the back of my hand.
So...
- Who is that?
- Oh, she's just
some acting teacher.
- Well this position doesn't
really require acting so much.
You'll mostly be on the stage
next to the magician,
just assisting him.
- Oh, but I thought this was
more of a dramatic role.
- Oh, there'll be drama,
but it's mostly unscripted.
Do you know that show
"Wheel of Fortune"?
- Oh, yeah!
I know that show, yeah.
- It's like the
Vanna White role.
- Oh, so I'll be turning
letters and stuff like that?
- No, not at all.
You'll just be on stage
next to the magician,
looking pretty.
- Oh.
I think I was
totally misinformed
about what this
job required.
- You're very pretty,
so you already meet the
requirement in that respect.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, well,
I need the work, so I guess
I'll do whatever it takes.
- Great. Great.
So just one
last question really.
Are you a virgin?
- What?
- Are you a virgin?
- No, I heard
what you just said.
Am I a virgin?
That's what you're
asking me right now?
You're asking me
if I'm a fucking virgin?!
What type of
question is that?
- It's just a standard
question.
- I'm in a job interview
right now
and you're asking me
if I'm a virgin!
Fuck, man!
Fuck, have you even heard
of fucking "Me Too?"
- "Me Too"?
What is that?
Is that a sequel
to something?
I didn't see the first Me,
so I don't know it.
- Goodbye.
All right.
- Oh, yeah!
Oh.
- In.
- Oh, yeah!
- That was beautiful.
- Hey!
What are you guys doing?
You know who
this motherfucker is?
- No, who is he?
- What? What?
- Is this you?
- What?
- You're the White Devil?
- The White Devil?
No.
- Oh, snap!
Yo, I seen these!
Yo, it is you!
- Man, get the
fuck off our court!
- Rosa, chill!
- Seriously, get off!
- Rosa, damn, calm down.
- This isn't your court.
This is everybody's court.
- Man, I will punch you.
- Rosa!
- What?
- Wait a second.
Are you threatening me?
I didn't do anything wrong.
- Fuck you!
- Look, no one
is threatening you.
Why are you getting violent?
We're just playing ball.
You too, Carlos!
- Yeah.
- No, I'm just saying, man,
he the White Devil!
- This is the enemy,
and if you don't make him
leave, I will!
Get the hell of the court!
- Yo, man, you need to dip out
before you get dipped on.
- Hey, man.
- I didn't do anything wrong!
- That's the problem!
You don't know the difference
between right and wrong!
- Yo, get off the court!
- What's your problem?
- Where's Jimmy?
Where's Jerome?
Hannah? Cindy?
This whole fucking place
is like a Bermuda triangle!
["Mia Kapo Mia A"
by Kapono Beamer & Mac Prindy]
♪ Now is the moment
♪ When I will say
♪ Now and forever, darling
♪ I will love you to
- Aw, she's cute.
- She is cute.
- Yeah, I suppose she is.
- Sweetie, what's wrong?
- Oh, nothing.
I'm just tired.
Do you want to hold her?
- You look tired.
You're not sleeping?
- What's going on?
Is the baby keeping you
up at night?
- No. She sleeps
through the night.
I sleep like a rock in fact.
It's just, it's hard getting
out of bed, actually.
- Chase, what's wrong?
Sweetie, what is it?
- Oscar did something?
What did that
son of a bitch do?
- No, it's not him.
- Then what is it?
- I feel like
she doesn't like me.
- Oh, come on.
Of course she does.
- No. She's like this
because you're here,
but when it's
just us, she just...
I just don't feel like
we're connecting.
I don't feel like
I'm close to her.
I just feel empty
all the time.
God, I feel like
a made a mistake.
- Sweetie, no,
you probably have
postpartum depression
I think.
- It's common
to feel that way.
- No.
This is different,
because when I look at her,
I think to myself,
"Who is this baby,
and why did I do this?"
And when I wake up,
I just feel like I'm waking up
to a bad dream.
[crying]
Oh, God.
Why did I do this?
[crying continues]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- And look at that right there.
Isn't that amazing?
- Aw...
- She's so cute!
- She's really, really cute.
- Congrats, Oscar.
- Thanks so much, man.
She was 10 pounds
when she was born.
Can you believe that?
- Man, that is a fat baby.
- She takes after her father.
[everyone laughs]
- Look at that one there.
Look at that one.
- Aw...
- Oh my God,
she's like a little angel.
- She's really adorable, Oscar.
- She really is.
I was terrified
before she got here.
To be honest with you,
I was so afraid before
she came in the world.
I thought I was
going to hate her,
[sighs deeply]
but I love her.
- That's what makes the
world go 'round, man.
- That's great.
- It's important
to love your kids.
- It really, really is.
- Yeah, it's vital
for their upbringing.
- Yeah yeah.
- Yeah, I don't think
my mother loved me at all.
I think that's why
I hate women
and I'm slightly suicidal.
- I always wanted
to have kids.
- Yeah, I did, too.
- Yeah, man, I'd like
to have a baby one day.
- Me, too.
- Wait.
None of you have children?
- No.
- Nope.
- Really?
- I gave up trying
after my third miscarriage.
- I'm shooting blanks.
- Yeah, I'm shooting
blanks, too.
- I know a guy
who has pills for that.
- Yeah, I'd rather stay in.
[all laughing]
- Oh, my God.
Okay. Normally I'd frown
upon this kind of conversation
in the workplace,
but it's Friday, so fuck it!
- This guy, this guy.
- You're the coolest, Carl.
- I know, I know.
- Boss of the Year.
- Hey, thanks for letting
me keep the beard, man.
I appreciate that.
- Hey, if you want
to look like a terrorist,
that's your prerogative.
[all chuckling]
- Check it out.
- Look at that face.
- That's her mom.
That's my wife.
We got married.
For some reason.
[Leah giggles]
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
You're all right
for a first-timer.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm. Pretty good.
- Thanks.
- I mean, I'd say
on a scale of one to 10,
a pretty solid five
and a half.
- Okay.
- I mean, you're going
to want to move around
a little bit more next time,
honestly.
Really get your hips into it.
Alright?
You want to take
your pussy muscles
and really tighten them
around my dick.
Does that make sense?
- Kind of.
- Hold out your finger.
- Okay.
- I want you to imagine
my hand is your vagina,
your finger my dick.
- Mm-hmm.
- Really squeeze that shit.
- Ralphie,
you're being so crass.
Are you still on
your medication?
- Nah, I stopped taking
that shit weeks ago.
- Why?
- Why?
Because I fucking wanted to.
Gotta make a phone call.
- What?
- Yeah. Shh.
Lester.
You owe me
500 fucking dollars!
[chuckles]
I popped her cherry!
Yes, I did!
Are you fucking
kidding me right now?
Yeah.
No. What, do you want
a fucking picture?
There's blood
all over the sheets.
I'll send you a picture
of some bloody sheets.
[chuckles]
Come on,
it's a fucking joke.
It's your fucking phone.
It's not even my phone.
Come on.
- That's not funny.
- Of course I'm still on
my medication.
You think I want to be
the monster I was before?
I want to be with you.
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
- Hello? Hello?
[knocking on door]
Hello?
Wow.
Hey. Hi, there.
- What's up, guy?
- Do you know
who owns this building?
- Yes, I do.
- Think they might be
interested in selling it?
- You see
a "for sale" sign?
- No.
That's usually when you can
get the good deals, though.
- You son of a bitch.
You go around buying all the
public property around here,
then make the rent higher
and try to change
the community.
- No.
- Nah,
go back to Manhattan.
We don't need
your kind around here.
The fact is, we can't
afford the price as it is!
- I only own
a couple buildings here,
and no one has to leave.
- That's how it starts off,
with a couple buildings,
then it's more buildings,
then everything changes!
- Uh-uh.
- Go back to Manhattan!
- All right, listen.
What I'll do is I'm going to
just leave you some information,
and then--
- Get the fuck
out of here, man.
- I'm going to leave
you some information.
- Later. Later!
- And then--
Okay. Yeah, later.
- Later! Later! Later!
[Jamie performing spell]
What the hell
are you doing?
[Jamie performing spell]
What is that?
[Jamie performing spell]
You out of the nuthouse
or something?
[Jamie performing spell]
Get the fuck out of here!
- Ha!
[funky music playing]
♪♪
[man rapping]
♪ Cuz I'm persistent. ♪
♪ Never quitting. ♪
♪ No resistance.
I go the distance. ♪
[playing guitar]
- Pervading the structure,
the empty greed of rational...
[singing]
♪ I love America. ♪
♪ I love America. ♪
[singing]
♪ All right. ♪
♪ So life is hard and love is
strange, all right. ♪
♪ All right. ♪
♪ New York Town
is full of ghosts. ♪
- "Pickles in brine,"
she said.
The sixth floor we could
find a fine biscuit and beer.
[singing]
♪ F. U. ♪
♪ F. U! ♪
- I cannot lose myself
in relaxation
without my meditation.
♪ In our fur pajamas,
I pay bananas, ♪
♪ monkey see,
monkey do. ♪
♪ Wouldn't you be... ♪
- How you doing?
- Good.
Red wine, please.
- Sure.
- Just a whiskey neat, please.
- Alright.
♪ Out of all of my mates,
you'd be the prime. ♪
♪You'd be my primate. ♪
♪ Be the gorilla my dreams. ♪
- Perfect, thanks.
- How are you doing, Dean?
- I'm good.
- You're not upset
that Leah left?
- No, I don't blame her.
If my boss asked me
for my menstrual blood,
I would've left, too.
- But aren't you
heartbroken?
- Heartbroken?
Fuck no.
You know how easy
it is to get laid
when you're a tall guy?
I've had sex with
three girls this month.
- You need to be careful.
You know we're
being investigated
for sexual misconduct.
- Really?
- Yeah. Apparently it's
something Quentin did.
- Thank you.
[audience applauds]
- The fucker bumps into me
because the fucker's texting
and walking
at the same time.
- I have something to say,
and I want you all to listen.
I have herpes.
- You hear
that thunder clap?
It might be Thor.
We might see war.
You brought one god.
You might need more.
- While we're back
at his place,
things start to get steamy.
And it was great,
until he starts giving me
a pelvic exam.
- [singing]
♪ You're all that I need. ♪
♪ I need to feel these things ♪
♪ that you can feel... ♪
- Excuse me.
[singing continues]
It's great.
It's not too bad
of a turnout.
- Are you kidding?
This is a joke.
[singing continues]
- We're selling
a lot of alcohol.
I said we're selling
lots of alcohol, Larry.
- I heard you. Terrific.
- It's a shame Quentin
isn't here to see this.
This was his idea.
- I had no choice
but to let him go.
- It's a real shame.
- Yeah, well.
It couldn't be helped.
- It was your fault, Larry.
- Hey, do you want me
to fire you, too?
- This place isn't
the same without them.
- That's right.
Nothing stays the same.
- The new renovations
look nice.
- I hate them.
I hate all of this.
- You're in one of
your moods, Larry.
I don't like it
when you're like this.
- Look at this place.
Look at what this
has become.
No wonder Magdalena left.
- She always comes back.
- Ah... Not this time.
She has no interest
in stand-up comics,
folk singers,
beatniks, poets.
The thought of it
sickened her.
- I don't know,
I kind of like it.
- I wish somebody would kill
everyone in this room.
- I'm going to have
a cigarette.
- And I don't care
what you do.
[singing continues]
[sighs]
- I'm funny, I think.
That's what my mom said.
[singing]
♪ It's gonna be fine. ♪
♪ We'll be alright. ♪
♪ Baby don't go. ♪
♪ Baby don't go. ♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
- What's your name?
- Alina.
What's yours?
- Dean.
- Nice to meet you,
Dean.
- Nice to meet you, Alina.
- Can I get a beer?
- What kind?
- Just a long one.
- Oh, I've got
a long one for you.
Let me know
if this isn't long enough.
- Come and find me
after the show.
- I will.
- Bye.
[signing]
- ♪ Baby don't go. ♪
We're gonna be fine.
[audience applauds]
[singing]
- ♪ Bucharest boy ♪
♪ Budapest boy. ♪
♪ You're the best boy. ♪
♪ In the West, boy. ♪
♪ Would you like
to dance with me? ♪
♪ Can I hold your hand? ♪
♪ Would you like to sing
a song about tomorrow. ♪
♪ Bucharest boy. ♪
♪ Budapest boy. ♪
♪ You're the best boy. ♪
♪ In the West, boy. ♪
♪♪
- Man, I hate riding
the damn bus.
- Oh Lord, here we go.
Why?
- I don't like waiting around.
I ain't got time to be
waiting around for the bus.
- You could buy a car.
- Do you know how hard it is
to keep a car in the city?
There ain't no parking,
and if you do find parking,
you got to move it
all the damn time,
and the insurance is
way too expensive.
It's all just a pain
in the ass.
- Why don't you just
ride the subway?
- Oh, too crowded.
I mean, when it's working.
- Oh.
- The panhandlers all up
in your face, and oh!
And the rats.
Oh no, no, fuck that.
- Well it sounds like the bus
is your only option.
- Yeah, it is.
[orchestral music continues]
♪♪
- Hey, Mom.
- Let's go.
We're going to miss the bus.
- Can I do this?
- What is it?
- It says they're looking
for a magician's assistant.
- Magician's assistant?
No, baby, I don't like
things like that.
- Why not?
- Because it's scary.
- But It's just
make-believe.
- No, honey.
That shit is evil.
- Come on.
- I promise you.
I'm fed up.
I'm a magician.
What we know is illusion.
It's not magic.
We have to change.
I forbid it.
You forbid it?
This is my theater.
We both built this!
- It's true.
- If you say so.
- Oh, hi. Hi.
- Sorry to interrupt.
Hi.
Leah has arrived.
- Oh, hi, Leah.
How are you?
- Nice to meet you.
- Yeah, nice to meet you.
This is the new intern.
- Intern?
- Yes.
- Are we paying her?
- Of course not.
- Okay. Hi, I'm Larry.
- Hi.
- What's your name?
- Leah.
- Nice to meet you.
- Have you guys seen
Dean anywhere?
- Yes, he's under the stage.
Dean!
- Yeah?
- The new girl is here!
- All right.
Tell them I'll be right up.
- So why don't you
go outside?
You can meet him.
He's going to come out
on the stage.
Go this way.
- Can we meet a little later
to talk over some stuff?
- Of course!
- I'm really happy
to have you!
- Pleasure.
- Yvette! How are you?
- Hi.
- Good to see you.
- Yes?
- Just a little
friendly reminder
about the rent
increase this month.
- The rent increase?
- Yeah, yeah,
30%, that's all.
- Thirty percent?
- Sure.
- Who can afford that?
Nobody can afford 30%.
- I ain't paying.
I'm actually not paying
extra in this house.
- It hasn't been raised in,
I believe it's about 18 years,
so we're going to make up
for a little lost time.
We had to comply with
the mandate from City Hall.
- You know how long I've
been living in this building?
- Actually, no.
- Probably
before you were born.
- Because everybody
in the building know
what you're doing
to everybody,
so we don't want to stay still--
- But It's not me.
- It's the new law
from the City Council, so--
- Yeah, you're taking advantage
of the law, so...
- It's also a win-win,
if you think about it.
- I think that I'm going
to see you in court
and we argue that in court.
- Starting on the 1st,
the rent goes up.
- Going to talk to my lawyer.
I'll see you in court.
- IB's Bust a little
friendly reminder.
- See you in court, all right.
- Just a friendly, friendly...
...reminder.
[knocking on door]
- Come in.
- Hello, Oscar.
- Hey, Fred.
How are you?
- I'm doing excellent.
- You want a beer
or something?
- I'm okay,
kind of in a rush.
Don't you have your date
tonight? - What's that?
- Don't you have
your date tonight?
- Oh yeah,
the date is tonight.
Thank you for the tickets,
by the way.
That was very nice of you.
- You're going to like
the show.
It's magic.
- What's that?
- The show, it's magic.
- Oh, magic, yeah.
I like magic.
I'm a little nervous
about the date, though.
- Are you taking her
out to dinner?
- What's that?
- Are you going to take her
out to dinner?
- Oh, dinner.
I think we are having dinner.
It's a double-date,
though.
The thought of being
one on one with someone
is a little scary.
I'm going to go with
my friend Jamie,
he's going to take
his girlfriend,
and I'm going to meet
this mystery girl.
We'll see what she's like.
- There you go.
- Thank you, sir.
Appreciate this.
- Why don't we start
renting the stage out
to other artists,
playwrights?
- This is my theater, man.
This is my show.
- On Tuesday nights,
for example,
those are slow nights.
We could do an open mic
night instead.
- An open mic night?
- Yes. You have different
performers come in.
They play guitar,
they recite poetry,
they perform stand-up.
- I'm sorry,
we're not doing this here.
- Well If you don't
do something,
you're going to lose
this place.
- Okay, Leah, this is how
you make someone
from the audience disappear
in the box
back into the audience.
Dean, come.
You make sure the box
is placed in front
of this hole.
There's going to be
a carpet here.
You put the person
in the box first.
Then you're going to take them
down through the hole
in the carpet,
backstage.
- Yeah.
- Go.
You go in the hole.
You're going to have to stay
underneath there
the entire show,
and then you're going
to take the person back.
Come on!
You go in there.
- You mean come with?
- No.
Give me that thing.
Go in there.
And then you're going to go
underneath this way.
You're going to bring them
to the backstage.
Leah?
- Yeah.
Can you hear me?
You follow me here
to this side.
Come on.
And you're going
to take them up here
to the backstage.
Leah?
Where are you?
Ok, so you bring them up here
to the backstage.
This has to go faster.
Take this.
Then we'll see you back there.
- All right.
- Take them up here,
up the stairs.
Don't bump your head here.
Be very careful.
Make sure the audience
member doesn't trip over this.
Now, you're not
from Hungary?
Where are you from?
- No, I'm from Astoria.
Kind of like Hungary.
- Okay.
Now, careful here,
because the building
inspector--
[arguing in French]
They're married.
Can't you tell?
So, you take them here.
- Ok.
Oh man, what a hike.
You think older people
could do this?
- Nope.
- It's really hard.
- Don't pick old people.
- Ok.
- You want to pick
someone young, athletic.
No heavy, big people,
no people
with very high heels.
Then you take them
down here.
May I ask you,
are you married, Leah?
- Married?
No.
I have terrible taste in men.
Are you married?
- No.
So now we're in
the lobby again.
So you take them around.
Oh,
and here's the lovely Dean.
You see, Leah,
now we're on the stage again.
- Sweet.
- Yeah, it's pretty sweet.
- What do you think?
- I think it's amazing.
- Well you'll work
the ticket booth tonight
and watch the show
with the audience,
and we'll work you
into the show
over the next few weeks.
- I don't see why
we have a ticket booth.
We don't sell any tickets.
- Well we might try something
a little different tonight.
- It's impressive,
you have two amazing
apartments.
- You have two buildings.
Are you bragging
about your buildings?
I'm not bragging about them
because I can't
because they're dumps.
- They're still buildings.
- I'm trying to fix them up
so I can brag about them,
but your places--
- Guys, guys, this is the place.
This is the place. Here we are.
- This it? Okay.
- Thank you.
- Bye.
- Um, this is a magic show?
- Hi.
Yeah.
- Not the Styx concert?
- No, no, that's next door
if you want to go.
- I think I have four tickets
left for Oscar Trout.
I think, yeah.
- Let me look.
- What do you think?
- I mean, he's okay,
but I think he's a little shy.
- He's not really shy.
He's just afraid to open
his big fucking mouth.
- You're not saying
anything much either.
- I know, but I want him
to say something to me first.
- You know he inherited
a lot of money recently.
- Stop being so tacky.
- I'm just letting her know
the whole situation.
- She knows this already!
- This is the place.
- Magdalena!
Magdalena!
Where is she?
- Underneath the stage.
- Of course.
- Larry!
- That's how stupid I am.
- We have to start!
Larry, what are you--
- Shut up!
Where is the book?
I know you have it.
- Did you take it?
- No.
- Give it to me!
- No. I forbid it!
If we don't use real magic,
we're finished.
Then we'll go back to Paris.
Fuck Paris!
My life is here!
Give me the fucking book!
You'll go mad,
like last time.
It won't be like last time.
If you do this,
I'm leaving you!
I don't care!
And viola.
[door slams]
- Ah!
- [chuckles]
All right, guys.
All right, let's get
ready for something.
Here we go.
Where is it?
Ah.
[speaks spell in
foreign language]
[repeating spell]
[repeating spell]
You go ahead,
my friend.
- All right,
I'll start the show.
[crowd murmuring]
Everyone, please
silence your cellphones.
[audience laughs]
Ladies and gentlemen,
Larry the Magnificent!
[audience applauds]
- Good evening,
good evening.
I hope you're well.
I hope you're in
good health
and relaxed
and not too fearful
about the future.
It's a very uncertain time
we're living in, of course.
We're all very worried
about terrorism.
We are worried
about the environment,
worried about our health,
and who amongst us
is not perpetually worried
about money?
[chuckles]
Oh, my goodness,
I always forget about that.
Black hat.
Every magician needs
a black hat.
As you can see,
it's empty
and nothing there.
Can I please have
someone from the audience?
You, sir.
What is your name?
- Clifford.
- Clifford.
That's a charming name.
You're a handsome fellow.
How are you feeling
these days?
- Pretty good.
- Good.
Me, I'm feeling
very empty as of late.
Take this hat,
if you will.
Please look at it and verify
that it is empty as well.
Show it to the audience
so they can see unequivocally
that it is empty.
Now let's just spin it
a few times
and get the molecules going
and say a few words
to set our spell in motion.
[speaking spell language]
Okay, Clifford.
Is the hat empty still?
- Yes.
- You're sure there is no
rabbit in there?
- No.
But if I were to pull
a rabbit out of this hat,
would you be impressed?
- Sure.
- No, you wouldn't.
Nobody would be impressed.
They would just leave
the theater and say,
"This is just another
boring trick
by a boring magician."
But if I were to make you
disappear into thin air,
that would be
a little more impressive,
would it not?
- Sure.
[speaks spell language]
Where's Clifford?
[audience applauds]
Where is he?
Lucy, Dean, come on,
help me find him.
- Clifford!
- Call out his name,
please.
- Clifford?
- Look in the audience.
- Clifford?
- Do you see him?
- No.
- Are you sure?
Wait.
[speaks spell language]
Where is he?
Oh, is that him over there?
Look, please.
Is that Clifford?
[audience gasps]
Are you sure
it's Clifford?
[audience applauds]
- Yes, it's me.
- That's impossible.
- Where have you been?
- It's impossible!
- I have no idea.
- It's a twin.
It's an identical--
It's a twin.
- Say that again.
You think I used a what?
- It's a double, a twin.
- A twin?
- I see.
- Identical twin.
- Will you please stand up,
alright?
- What? Stand up?
- Yes, please, stand up.
- Fine.
All right.
- [speaks spell language]
[audience murmuring]
Now what happened here?
Where is that man?
Can you see him?
No?
Lucy? Dean?
- No.
- [speaks spell language]
[ominous piano music]
♪♪
And there is the man!
[audience applauds]
- What the hell?
- Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Thank you very much.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you.
- That was amazing.
Incredible.
- How have I not heard
of this show before?
- That was pretty cool.
- Your friend got you tickets?
- Yeah, yeah, he's kind of
my friend, yeah.
- I'm going to go
talk to her. Hang on.
- How do you know him?
- That was absolutely amazing.
Amazing.
- Oh, did you like the show?
- I loved the show.
In fact, I've got to meet
the magician.
Can I go backstage?
- I doubt it.
- Can I get a card?
Does he have a card?
- No,
he doesn't have a card.
- I've absolutely
got to meet him.
How can I do that?
- Good luck, man.
Did you see the show?
It was spectacular.
I still got it!
- You don't love me.
- Why would you say that?
If you did,
you would listen to me.
This is not about love.
The show will be
a big success now.
I don't care
about the show.
I care about you.
If you care,
then let me have this.
You married a magician.
- I'm leaving.
- Where are you going?
I told you. Paris.
Paris? Are you crazy?
There's nothing for you there!
You see!
Look at yourself!
- Look at what?
- It's happening again.
You have no idea
how alive I felt tonight!
I haven't felt this alive
in years!
- It's going to change you.
- Let it change me.
It's better than feeling
dead inside.
- You're a stupid old man.
- You're not so young yourself.
Me? I can still
find someone.
Go ahead.
What do I care?
I'll find a nice man
who can actually
maintain an erection!
Oh, shut up!
- I don't like furniture,
but I do know this.
I want a basketball goal
up there,
and I want a ping-pong table
in the back.
- What are you, 12?
- Well that's just
what I want.
I know it seems
a little bit childish,
but I like the idea of shooting
hoops in my living room.
- Listen, we should go,
right?
- Wait, wait,
you're not going anywhere
until you tell us about what
happened at that magic show.
What the hell was that?
- I know, babe.
They made you disappear.
- Apparently.
- Well what did it feel like?
- Well It didn't feel
like anything, actually.
I was in the seat
and then I was in the box.
- So It was instantaneous,
like you fell asleep
and just woke up?
- Like you were blacking out,
blacked out?
- Exactly.
Absolutely nothing, bam.
- Yo, what the fuck?
- Hi.
- I thought you said South Side!
- This is the South Side.
- No, this is North Side,
that's South Side!
This is my boyfriend,
Ralphie.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- How's it going?
- The show was amazing tonight.
You should've seen it.
- Yeah, I'll check it out
sometime. - Yeah.
- You know I had a magic kit
when I was in 2nd grade?
It was crappy.
I burned it.
You're in the show?
- Me?
No, I'm not in the show.
I manage the theater.
- Oh, you manage the theater.
Did you have to go
to college for that?
- Oh, I majored in business.
- Yeah, college
is for fuck-heads.
What about you, short stack?
- Excuse me?
- I mean, you're obviously
in the show,
like juggling daggers,
riding a unicycle or something?
- No.
- Can you imagine?
That would be some
trippy shit,
seeing him wobbling around
on a little unicycle.
What about the side
geek show thing?
You ever bit the head
off a chicken?
- Ralphie.
- Nope.
- I bit the head off
this lizard once
when I was in scout camp.
My buddy Lester Phelps,
he bet me five bucks
I wouldn't do it.
I fucking did it.
I ripped the head off
that motherfucker,
spit it back in his face
like it was a Snickers bar,
pwah!
Spit it right back in his face.
- I'll bet.
- Okay, we have to go.
- Alright.
See you dick-lickers later.
- What a loser.
- Yeah, that guy's
a douchebag.
- Uh, I haven't worked a job
in a really long time.
Um, my father died
a couple years back
and left me a lot of money
and I pretty much live off
of the interest, you know.
- Yeah, I know.
Jamie told me.
- Jamie told you?
- Yeah.
- That's bullshit.
That's not his
information to tell.
- It's not a big deal.
- I'm not filthy rich
or anything like that.
I've just got
just enough money
that if I play
my cards right,
I can live
the rest of my life
on about $2,000 a week.
After I pay my insurance
and I pay my utilities
and whatnot,
I've just got enough money
to watch movies
and go to plays
and go to Europe
for the weekend,
not that I really do that.
If I had someone to do
that with, maybe I would.
- The bottom line
is I don't work.
I live off shit.
I'm not ambitious either.
I don't want to start a company.
I don't want to be an artist.
I don't want to do anything
at all but enjoy my life.
I just want to live
a stress-free life.
- I admire that.
I don't see anything
wrong with it.
- I'm also on medication.
- Okay.
- I've been told I'm
not mentally healthy.
I won't foam at the mouth,
you know, I wouldn't try
to bite you or anything,
unless you wanted me to.
Here's the thing,
I need it.
- So do a lot of people.
- That doesn't scare you?
- No. I think I should
probably be on something
but I don't have
health insurance,
so I can't afford it.
- All right,
one more confession now.
- Okay.
- This is a big one,
but it's true,
and I feel this way,
and I'm never going to not
feel this way.
But I don't ever want
to have kids, ever.
- Really?
- Yes.
No kids, ever.
The thought of it is...
you know.
- I'm curious why
you're so against it.
- Magdalena,
where are you?
- It's very simple really.
Sovereignty.
- Sovereignty?
- Yeah, I just want
to preserve my freedom,
my individuality.
I want to be in
a relationship.
I'd like to grow old
with someone,
but I just don't want to do
anything I don't want to do,
and I don't want
to have kids.
Period.
What do you think of that?
- Well I have a confession
to make, too.
- [speaking spell language]
- It's my uterus.
- What's wrong
with your uterus?
- All sorts
of crazy things.
- You really can't
have kids, really?
- I really can't have kids,
never.
- That's wonderful,
actually.
- Wonderful? Really?
- Not wonderful for you.
I don't mean it like that.
But I think this is good,
maybe.
It's... you know.
It's good.
- How?
- Maybe we're meant
for each other in some way.
- Meant for each other?
- Maybe temporarily at least.
I think it could--
I think kismet
is a nice word.
- Maybe so.
- So maybe it could be
possible that...
[light orchestral music]
♪♪
- Thirty percent rent increase?
That is insane.
- It's stupid!
- Man, why you guys
acting so surprised?
That's what make
the world go 'round.
It's all about the profit.
- Come on.
- Really,
you're okay with that?
- I mean, no,
but it is what it is.
- Man, I hate that phrase,
"it is what it is."
- Here we go.
- Everything is what it is.
This bus stop is what it is.
My shirt, that graffiti,
is what it is.
Everything is what it is.
If it wasn't what it is,
it'd be something else!
- You know what else
is what it is?
Hypertension.
You need to calm down.
- Hell yeah.
You going to have
a heart attack
in the place you hate
the most, man.
Stop being so uptight.
- Yeah, relax.
- You ain't uptight enough,
man.
I'm tired of this shit.
I ain't going to pay.
- That's bullshit!
We've been together
for four months
and you still haven't
fucked me!
- I don't care.
Leave me alone.
- You're a fucking cock-tease!
- Just go.
- Hey!
You heard her.
Leave.
- I'm sorry, what did
you say, Biggie Smalls?
Biggie Smalls...
Small and Biggie.
[laughs]
I mean, c'mon.
- That's clever.
He said leave,
or we'll call the cops.
- Call the fucking cops!
I don't give a fuck.
- I got a pistol
in my office.
I'll shoot you
right between the eyes.
[eerie piano music]
♪♪
- I'm coming back.
You're a fucking bitch!
[orchestral music]
♪♪
- Hey.
- Hey.
- How are you?
- Doing good.
You're up early.
- Yeah.
Three seconds left!
- I'm impressed.
It's fruit.
[orchestral music continues]
♪♪
[urinating]
- What is this?
- Pregnancy test.
- Mm-hmm, I know
it's a pregnancy test,
but what are these
two lines here?
What does that mean?
- Pregnant.
- You're pregnant?
- Yes.
- You said you couldn't
have babies.
You said that.
You said your ovaries
were all screwed up.
You said they were... you know.
- My uterus.
- Yeah right, uterus, you said
your uterus was screwed up,
but now it's working,
so how is that possible?
- I don't know.
- How can you be
so blasé about this?
- What do you mean?
- You're just so
matter of fact.
You're just like,
"Ah, whatever."
You're eating your kiwi,
you're eating your pineapple,
you're eating your parfait,
and you're just
sitting here pregnant!
It's just another day!
This is fucked up!
This is bullshit!
We had a contract!
- A contract?
No, we didn't.
- Not a contract,
but an agreement.
We had an agreement
from day one, no kids.
We talked about this, okay?
- Well, Oscar, sometimes
life throws you a curveball.
- Really? You're using baseball
metaphors right now?
- I don't like baseball.
It's a stupid sport.
I hate that shit.
Okay?
We're not having this.
We're not having the kid.
It's not open for discussion.
We can't have this.
We're not having this.
We're not doing this.
- Fine! I'll call and make
an appointment.
- Great,
make an appointment.
That's great.
It's for the best.
Actually, no no no,
don't make an appointment.
We'll call Fred.
Fred's got pills.
He's got pills for everything.
He'll come over,
you'll take the pill.
We'll pop the zit.
It'll be great.
- Pop the zit?
- Well like the embryo's
a size of a zit,
so we'll just,
we smash it.
- Larry.
- Yes, what?
- We think you should
stop using real magic.
- What?
- Yes.
We've all been discussing it.
[chuckling]
- Are you insane?
- It's dangerous.
- Yeah, we're scared.
- We're selling out
the theater every night!
- It's still dangerous.
- Where is Magdalena?
- I told you, she... she...
She left.
- Without saying goodbye?
That's not like her.
- It was four months ago.
- It's still suspicious.
- Listen, I'm going
to use real magic.
Enough for now.
If you don't want to work here,
you can disappear,
as well.
- Well at the very least,
we don't think
you should be using it
during rehearsal.
- Stop it!
Enough!
You two are worthless!
Quentin!
- Please!
- Quentin!
- Stop yelling!
- Ticket sales have never
been better, right?
The show is a success?
- Yeah, we're great.
The ticket sales are
paying the overhead,
and with the freelance services,
we're doing better than ever.
- What freelance services?
- Never mind.
None of your business.
Go back to work, Quentin.
Everybody else,
take your positions.
[speaks spell language]
[laughing]
Am I great or what?
- Very impressive.
- I'm kind of a god,
sort of.
- You're very talented,
Larry,
but comparing
yourself to God
is a little narcissistic.
- Oh.
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
[speaking spell language]
- I've been paying rent
in this building for 45 years,
and what he's doing
is unconscionable!
- Yeah, well, I'm leaving.
- Where you going?
- Maryland.
- When?
- Next month.
This city's all different.
Something's changing.
With all these new rent hikes,
that's my last straw.
- I'm leaving, too.
- Where you going?
- Arizona.
- Mm, that's where they
landed on the moon.
- Well I'm not going anywhere.
This is my home.
- I keep telling you
we should reason with him.
- Reason with whom?
- The landlord.
Explain to him how destructive
these rent increases
are going to be.
- Oh, that's not
going to work.
- What do you mean?
We sit him down,
we make him a nice dinner,
and then we appeal
to his good nature.
- Good nature?
He is a landlord developer.
He ain't got a good nature.
- Look, I believe that
we're all God's children,
and even the landlord
has a heart.
If he's capable of sin,
he's also capable of love
and compassion.
- Are you serious?
- Yes!
- You sound like the black
Mary Poppins up in here!
[all laughing]
- Excuse me?
- Yeah, talking about all
this love and compassion,
all this nonsense.
- Othello, I don't even
know why you're here.
You own your own home.
You ain't got nothing
to worry about.
- That's right.
[doorbell ringing]
- Who's that?
- It's Fred.
- Why did you call Fred?
- What do you mean?
Hey, what's up?
Nice to see you.
How are you?
- Hey, Oscar.
- Good to see you.
You know Chase,
of course.
- Yes, I remember.
Hello.
- Hi.
- So you need a refill
on your medication?
- No, I don't need
a refill on medication.
I need something else.
Do you have
the abortion pill?
- An abortion pill?
- An abortion pill, yes.
- I have that.
This is for you?
- [speaking French]
- What the hell is that?
- It's French.
- I didn't know
you spoke French.
- There's a lot
you don't know about me.
- What did you just say?
- I like his jumpsuit.
- Yeah, me, too.
It makes me want to breakdance.
[snaps fingers]
Abortion pill, please.
- Are you sure?
- Yes, of course I'm sure.
Let me see.
- This one.
- She takes this
and gone, baby, gone, right?
- If this is what she wants.
- Yeah, of course
it's what she wants.
How much is it?
- 200.
- $200.
That's a small price
to pay for avoiding
18 years of responsibility.
In fact, it's a bargain,
if you asked me.
Here you go, babes.
Take this here.
Glass of water.
Now, take the pill.
- I'm not taking this.
- It's totally safe.
Right, Fred?
This is safe, isn't it?
- It's safe, yes.
- FDA approved?
- FDA approved, no.
- No FDA approved?
- Mm-mm.
- Was the bottle sealed
at least when you opened it?
- Oh yes, it was sealed.
- Safe enough.
Go ahead.
- No.
- It's safe. It's fine.
Drink the pill.
- I'm not taking this pill.
- Two hours ago you just
said you were going to take it.
What do you mean
you're not taking the pill?
What does that mean?
- I wasn't serious.
I just wanted you
to stop talking.
- What are you saying?
- I'm keeping it.
- No, you're not
keeping the baby.
This isn't
a John Hughes film.
We talked about this already.
- I'm aware of that.
- Listen to me.
You're not mentally healthy,
Chase. - Speak for yourself.
- Neither of us are.
That's true.
That's why this baby
is going to be messed up.
We can't have
a baby together.
The world's too dangerous.
He's going to go on
a killing spree probably.
- I hope you're in the room
when it happens.
[speaking French]
- Why do people
keep talking French?
Hold on.
Sorry about that.
I apologize.
Listen, I'm just a little
bit under pressure, okay,
because of what's
happening today.
I'm sorry.
- That's fine.
- Okay.
Just let's sit down
and let's talk about this.
- No, I need to be alone
for a few hours.
- Okay, I'll call you later.
Yes, okay.
- Fine.
I'm sorry. I apologize.
I love you, okay?
All right, here's the $200.
Give me the pill.
- No.
Are you kidding me?
- No, I'm not kidding you.
Give me the pill.
- I can't sell you the pill.
- Why can't you sell me
the pill?
- Because she doesn't
want to take it.
- What difference does it make
if she wants to take it or not?
- If she doesn't want
to take it,
I can't sell you the pill.
- She'll change her mind, Fred.
Women do that
all the time.
They can't make up
their minds.
- I'm sorry, Oscar.
- What kind of person are you?
You're putting morals
over money?
You're a drug dealer.
Take the money
and give me the pill.
- I'm responsible.
- You're what?
- I'm responsible.
- Responsible?
- Yes.
- How can you be responsible?
You can't even
pronounce the word.
- If I sell you the pill,
you're going to put it
in her food.
- Yes, I'm going
to put it in her food.
I'll put it in her eggs,
I'll put it in her spaghetti,
whatever it takes.
She'll take the pill,
the zit will pop.
- The zit?
What zit?
- The zit.
We're calling the baby a zit.
- No fucking way.
- Listen to me.
Hold on a second.
I'm begging you, you've got
to sell it to me, please.
I'm freaking out here.
Please, okay?
- It's not right.
- I appreciate your concern,
okay?
I'll get her to agree
to take the pill later, okay?
I will do this.
I will agree to get her
to take the pill later!
Play me in a game of
ping pong at least first.
It's been a while.
Let's play a game of ping pong.
- Fine.
- Great.
- My great-grandmother
owns this building.
- I own this building.
- Actually, the City
sold this building
to Marie Rodriguez
in the '50s for a dollar.
- My great-grandmother.
- The neighborhood
was so run down then,
the City just wanted
the property tax.
- That's right.
- It's a little like what's
happening in Detroit now.
- Okay, but that was
70 years ago.
- The thing is, Marie Rodriguez
was taken advantage of
in the early aughts
and the building was sold
illegally to a third party.
- Wait a second.
What the fuck
are you talking about?
- We feel we have
a very strong legal case
for returning the building
to Marie Rodriguez.
- My great-grandmother.
Didn't I mention that already?
- Well look,
I'm a lawyer, too.
You can't try
to hoodwink me.
- What kind of law
do you practice?
- Divorce law
back in the day,
so I know a thing or two about
how the legal system works.
- Ah, see, real estate law
is a totally different beast,
especially in New York City.
We will be taking this
to court and if we win--
- When we win.
- The City will be forced
to buy the building back
from you for what
you paid for it.
- All right, but I paid next
to nothing for this building.
- Exactly.
- I want to have a baby.
I deserve one.
- Of course you do.
Don't let him bully you.
- You're right,
he is bullying me.
- I see his point of view,
though.
- What do you mean?
- What I mean is,
I can't fault him
for not wanting
to have kids.
I was very clear with Chuck
from the beginning
about not having kids.
- You still think
that was the right decision?
- Of course I do.
Why wouldn't I?
- Yeah, well,
I want to have this.
- I don't know,
let's look at it
from Oscar's point of view.
- Cindy, he's a child.
- Yeah!
- Fucking A!
One more game.
- I got to go.
- I'll give you $1,000 for the
pill. - No.
- Play me in a game of hoops.
- No.
- I'll give you $2,000 for the
pill. - No.
- I need the pill.
- No!
- Fuck it!
- You got to relax, man.
- I'm anxious.
I need some anxiety--
Do you have a little extra
anxiety medication or something?
It's not going to interfere with
my current medication, right?
- No.
- Okay.
Okay. Look at all these pills
that you have here.
What does this one do?
- It's for Parkinson disease.
- This cures Parkinson's
disease? - Mm-hmm.
- Why is it illegal if it
cures Parkinson's disease?
- The FDA won't approve it.
- The FDA won't approve it?
Why?
- Because of the side effects.
- What are the side effects?
- Every person is different.
- What?
- It's different for every person.
- Oh, it's different for
every person, I understand.
What is this one?
- That's for speech.
- Speech?
- Mm-hmm.
- How so?
- If you have strokes,
it help you with speech.
It helps people enunciate
their more clearly.
- What about this?
What does that do?
- That's for fungus.
- Okay, what about this?
- For herpes.
- Herpes?
Oh yeah,
I've taken this already.
What about this?
- That's bad breath.
- This is for bad breath?
- Yep.
- You take this and
you don't have bad breath?
- What's the side effects?
- Body odor.
- Body odor?
What's this one?
- That's for diabetes.
- What's this one?
- That's for fibromyalgia.
- Fibromyalgia?
- That's constipation.
That's for sweaty palms.
- Sweaty palms?
- Mm-hmm.
- So If you take this you
don't have sweaty palms anymore?
- Yes.
- What's the side effects
of this?
- Sweaty ass.
- What about this one?
- That's for fertility.
- Fertility.
- You know what?
I also think it's also
narcissistic to have kids.
- Narcissistic why?
- Well you post 10 images
of your baby
on Facebook every day.
- Everybody does that.
- Every time I see you,
you have to show me photos,
every time.
[cellphone vibrating]
- It's Oscar.
What do I do?
- Answer it.
- Hello?
- I know about the fertility
pills you're taking.
- Fred told you?
- Ah, yes.
Speaking of Fred,
where the fuck do you think
you're going?
- I know you have to go,
but you're going to give me
the fucking pill now.
- Relax, Oscar.
- Leave me the pill!
You ruined my fucking life!
- I didn't ruin it.
- You ruined my life,
you fucking French fucking
faggot! - Oscar! Oscar!
- I didn't mean that
in a homoerotic way.
Listen, you fucked me too,
okay?
- I didn't fuck you.
- Defend yourself.
Explain to me how
you didn't fuck me.
- What I do with my body
is my choice.
- God, my body, my choice,
me this, me that.
Women are so selfish, okay?
- Fuck you, Oscar!
- Fuck you!
- You're taking the pill now.
You're definitely
taking the pill now!
You have to take it!
[cellphone disconnects]
[chanting spells]
[dramatic orchestral music]
♪♪
- Man, that show tonight,
Lucy, was amazing.
I mean, Larry,
he's really scary,
but where do you
think we go?
- Leah!
Shut up!
- Are you okay, Lucy?
- I have a headache.
- Oh.
- Stop talking to me,
please.
Fred, finally!
What took you so long?
So, come here.
Now, you have
that headache pill?
- Yes.
- This is an old injury
when I was very young.
I've been seeing doctors
all over the world!
No one can fix it!
- I can fix it.
- One pill?
- That's all you need.
- For $1,000, I hope so.
[exhales]
- It worked.
See?
And you look beautiful.
- I can smile.
- That's great.
- [laughing]
I can smile!
- I have to go.
- I can see a rainbow!
Fred!
- Good seeing you.
- You're amazing!
Thank you!
["Walk Away" by The Pass]
♪ Always you walk away ♪
♪ You put the money
on your shoulder ♪
♪ You're walking to the moon ♪
♪ Every time you say ♪
♪ That this will be
the last of our time ♪
♪ The movie that we made ♪
♪♪
- You're saying I have no
legal recourse whatsoever?
- None.
- I've used a condom
with almost every woman
I've ever been with.
If I'd have known that
she could get pregnant,
I would've taken precautions.
We would have
used birth control.
I'm going to have
to get a job now!
- No, you're not.
Sell me one of your places.
- No, I'm not going to sell
you my apartments, nah.
- Sell me this place.
I love it.
- I love this apartment, too.
I'm not going to change my life.
That's my point.
I didn't do
anything wrong, okay?
This isn't fair.
- All right,
how about Plan B then?
- Plan B, she doesn't
want to take the abortion pill.
- I'm not talking about
that kind of Plan B.
I'm talking about
a real plan B.
What we're going to talk
about right now
has to stay between
you and me.
- Sure.
- All right.
Remember that magic show
we went to a couple
months ago?
- Yeah, that was
the night I met Chase.
- So the magician
in the magic show,
you're not going
to believe this,
but I hired him to get rid
of some of my tenants.
- What are you
talking about?
- You know those buildings
I have in Bushwick
where the rent should be
really high
but I'm stuck
with all those tenants
in rent-controlled leases?
Well Larry is helping me
get rid of some of the tenants.
- Larry the magician?
- Yes.
- Get rid of the tenants?
- Yeah, he's making
them disappear.
- The tenants?
- Yes.
- He's killing the tenants?
- He's not killing them.
He's making them disappear.
- What's the difference?
- Well remember in the magic
show when I disappeared
and I came back?
So I didn't die.
- Where did you go?
- I don't know.
- Where do the tenants go?
- I'm not sure.
- Does the magician know?
- I don't think so.
- Are you going
to bring them back?
- We haven't talked
about that part yet.
- You're making the
tenants disappear,
you don't know
where they're going,
and you don't plan on
bringing them back.
This is fucked up.
- It's business.
In the meantime,
what I was thinking
is that we could do
the same thing for...
- The embryo.
- The embryo.
[dissonant piano note]
[mysterious piano music]
♪♪
- You know what
the problem is?
There's no sense
of loyalty anymore.
Why is it if a man stays
on the job he gets a raise,
but if you stay in
an apartment a long time
you get punished?
You should get a reward
for staying in an apartment.
- Please!
- The rent should go down,
not up!
- How in the hell
is that supposed to work?
- Just like I said.
Every year you stay
in the apartment,
drop that rent $50,
you know, for loyalty.
- So, In like 40 years you'll
be living there for free?
- Hell yeah.
- You're a dumb ass.
- You look handsome today.
- That's nice to hear.
- I haven't felt
this good in years.
My headaches are gone.
- I'm happy for you.
- Now I can see all
the positivity in the world.
It's like there's a glow
everywhere.
- You can see my glow?
- I don't mean literally.
Your aura has always
been dark.
- Well, the world
is a cesspool.
[laughs]
- No!
The world is a rainbow!
- Are you on something?
Are you taking drugs?
Are you high?
- Yeah, I'm high on life.
Yes.
- Are you ready?
- Absolutely.
- [speaking spell language]
[Lucy laughing]
- [speaking spell language]
[Lucy laughing]
- [speaking spell language]
[Lucy laughing]
- Oh, wow!
That was great!
Bravo, Larry!
You really sharpened
your skills.
I'm so proud of you.
You're still an asshole,
but I love you all the same.
Oh, look at this big
handsome gentleman.
- Hey, Lucy.
How are you?
- I feel great.
I feel 10 feet tall.
How are you?
- Well, I don't feel
10 feet tall.
[Lucy laughs]
- Dean.
You've got such a great
sense of humor.
- Larry.
- Yeah?
- Jamie's here to see you.
He has someone with him.
- Yeah, I'm expecting them.
- Can you help me or not?
- Hold on a second.
Just a second.
- Is that your book
of spells?
- It's not just a book
of spells.
- Really?
- I wrote each one
of these words by hand.
- That's impressive.
- Okay.
- Is that blood?
- Can I buy
the book from you?
- You don't have enough
money to make me an offer.
- Not yet, but think
about what we could do.
It was just the beginning
the other day.
We could roll into Bed-Stuy
and buy the buildings
and then go clear them out.
Bam bam bam,
floor by floor, jack the rents!
- Oh, God.
- We could do it
and then we could go south
to Sunset Park
and Bay Ridge.
We could make
a fortune together.
- I don't want to do that.
I don't need a partner.
- Are you serious?
You seriously want to do that?
You don't have enough?
- Come on!
- Can you listen?
Let's get back to me.
Can you help me or not?
This is very simple.
We need to do what's
need to be done.
- Of course, of course.
I'm a professional.
If I can make an adult
disappear,
I can make a baby disappear.
- It's not a baby.
It's an embryo.
There's a difference.
- You just tell yourself that
to make yourself feel better.
- My conscience is clear.
- You know what you're
asking me to do is
unspeakable.
- What I am asking you
to do is unspeakable?
What you guys have done
is mortifying.
This is one person
that doesn't even exist yet.
You guys have wiped out
a whole...
Like, fucking Nigeria,
basically.
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
[unintelligible crosstalk]
- What's up?
- Hello.
- What are you reading?
Ah, "The Invisible Man."
I didn't know they made
a book about that.
You ever see the movie?
- I don't think they made
a movie about this book.
- Yeah, they did.
Claude Rains in the '30s.
It's a classic.
The special effects are way
ahead of their times.
Pretty creepy.
- You know, that's something
different, actually.
This book and that movie,
they're not related.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm sure.
This was written in the '50s,
but it's also a classic.
- Yeah, but it was
written in the '50s,
so it's probably a book
adaptation of the movie.
They do that sometimes.
The movie comes out
and then they write a book
based on the movie,
like they did for
"Friday the 13th Part Six."
- There's a Six?
Oh.
- You like slasher films?
- No...
No, but I've read
a Stephen King book once.
- Oh yeah, Stephen King.
I'd seen that one movie
that one time, "Misery"?
With that fat bitch that
kidnapped James Caan
and ties him to a chair,
breaks his fucking feet
with a hammer.
- Jeez.
- That shit is crazy!
You never saw that?
- No, I haven't
seen that one.
- Oh man,
that fat bitch is nuts.
We should watch it together
sometime, you know.
- I don't mean
to sound rude...
Do you mind
leaving me alone?
- Listen, I know
things have been
tense around here lately.
- Yes, they've been tense.
- And I do know why
you invited me to lunch,
so why don't we address
the elephant in the room.
- Well--
- We think that these rent
increases are unreasonable.
- Well I realize
they're unpopular.
- Yes,
and if they're enforced,
people are going
to have to move!
- I'm aware of that.
- And that doesn't bother you?
- No.
Not really.
- With all due respect,
it's unfair.
- When it comes to money,
fairness has nothing
to do with it.
It's just a term that
people use when they
disapprove of something,
like racism.
- What does that mean?
- Did you hear about
those two black guys
that were in a coffee shop
but they didn't order
any coffee?
- Of course.
They got arrested.
- Right.
The manager said
you got to order something
or else you have to leave,
and they refused.
So the manager
called the cops
and they were arrested
for trespassing.
- Now, black people
started protesting
and said it was about race,
but it wasn't about race.
If they had ordered
one cup of coffee,
they could've stayed.
It's the principle
of capitalism.
If you want to sit down
somewhere, you got to pay.
If it was racist, they wouldn't
have been allowed
to enter the coffee shop
in the first place.
- We're not talking about
sitting down
and having a cup
of coffee.
We're talking about
people's homes!
- You've been raising
the rent on us every year.
This 30% increase is
going to drive everybody out!
- Well it's the same
principle, though.
If you can pay,
you can stay,
and if you can't,
you got to leave.
- That's racist.
- Listen, I hate
to break it to you guys,
but Jane Jacobs is dead.
If I had my way,
I'd privatize every
last square inch
of public space
in this city.
I'd turn Central Park
into a parking lot.
I believe in complete
laissez faire capitalism.
100% no exceptions.
- Well I guess that's that,
then.
- Well thanks
for the meatloaf.
By the way,
it's nothing personal.
I mean, I'm not racist.
I've had sex
with a lot of black girls.
[gasps]
- What?
- Thanks for the meatloaf.
- Goodbye!
- So you're broke.
- What?
What's that?
How am I broke?
- You've been spending money
like the Queen of Versailles
and not investing
your money wisely.
- I haven't been investing
my money at all, Terry.
- Actually, you have.
- No, I haven't been.
I've told you I wanted to have
all the money in a bank account.
I'm living off the interest
for perpetuity.
We talked about this.
- The new SCC rules state
that you can't just
leave your money
sitting in a bank account.
You have to invest it.
It's the Friedman Act.
I told you this last year.
- No, you didn't.
- Yes.
Unless I forgot to tell you.
- What are you saying?
I don't get this.
What are you trying to say?
- I invested all your money.
- In what?
- In big box stores.
Sears, Kmart,
a company called Bamazon.
- Bamazon?
What the fuck is Bamazon?
- Big box store, Bamazon.
It's like Amazon except
everything's more expensive.
- Why would you invest
in big box stores?
That's ridiculous.
- Look, Oscar,
I don't follow the herd,
okay?
If everybody goes down
one road,
I go down the other.
- You're gambling
with my money, man.
This is fucked up.
- I am managing your money.
I'm managing it.
That's what you
pay me for,
and now you don't even have
enough money to do that.
- Why would you put
all my money in Kmart?
- I didn't put it all in there.
I put some of it into
a medical company
by this incredible
entrepreneur.
- Yeah, who?
- Elizabeth Holmes.
Turns out
she's not so incredible.
- What am I
going to do, man?
- Sell one of your
apartments.
- I don't want to sell
one of my apartments.
- You got two apartments.
It's stupid.
- You're stupid.
You lost my fucking money.
- I'm not stupid.
I'm reckless.
There's a difference.
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
- You fucking cunt.
God, you fucking dumb bitch.
You're not going to do
better than me,
you stupid fucking cunt.
Watch where the fuck
you're walking,
you piece of shit!
Goddammit!
- Whoa, whoa, bro,
bro, bro.
- Watch where the fuck
you're walking,
you piece of shit!
Goddammit!
Motherfucker.
- Hey asshole, watch
where you're fucking going!
- You stupid fucking bitch!
- You're a stupid cunt,
all right?!
- Why don't you put on
some fucking decent shoes?!
[organ music playing]
♪♪
[audience applauds]
- Good show, right?
- I thought it was
a good show, yeah.
- For sure.
- What, you're fucking
a nigger and a midget now?
- What'd you say?
- Ah, I'm just kidding!
- Yeah, that was funny.
- Yeah.
I just wanted to come here
and tell you to your face
that you're a kike bitch.
- Dude, why don't you get
the fuck out of here?
- What the fuck are you
going to do about it?
- I have a pistol.
- I got your pistol
right here, Fat Albert.
And I will squish you
like a fucking insect,
you little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck.
- Try me, bitch.
- Leah, please.
Why did you fucking do this?
- Please leave.
Get out of here.
- Don't fucking touch me!
You don't know me!
I fucking kill people
with my bare hands!
I annihilate villages!
I'm a fucking army of one!
Don't fuck with me!
I'll take on Russia!
I'll skull-fuck Saigon!
I'm an atom bomb!
- Hey. Um...
Go up to the balcony
and look out the balcony.
Use the binoculars.
- Why?
- Just do it.
- Okay,
I'm going to the balcony.
What am I looking for?
- I see you.
I see you.
- You see me? Where...?
- Yeah.
Look to the west
of the park
and down on the ground.
Down to the ground
west of the park,
down to the sidewalk.
You see me?
- I see you,
and I don't care.
- What's that?
- I don't care.
- You see me?
- Yeah, I see you. I don't care.
- You see me?
Fuck.
Hold on a second.
What's that?
Do you see it?
- I see it
and I don't care.
- No, seriously,
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry, seriously.
- No, seriously.
You're a misogynistic
asshole.
- You're definitely right
about that,
but listen, I got
something to say, okay?
Hey, put the binoculars
up to your eyes.
Just watch.
Look at this.
I want to show you
one thing.
Just wait a second.
Goddamn motherfucking shit.
Hold on.
Look at this.
- I don't believe you.
- It's true.
I really want to do it.
I want to have a baby.
I do.
I'm ready.
I'm ready to be a dad.
- Okay, Oscar.
What about your
mission in life
to never have any
responsibility?
- Yeah, fuck that.
I don't care about that.
Fuck it.
It's fine fine fine fine fine.
Fuck it. Fuck it.
Fuck it.
- I don't believe--
I don't trust you.
I wish could but I can't.
- Listen, let's talk
about this over dinner, okay?
Let's have a dinner
at that restaurant
the first time we met.
Then we'll go back
to that magic show,
because I've heard they've
changed the whole thing
and it's brilliant now.
Let's do it.
Let's talk about it.
Let's go on a date.
Will you go on
a date with me?
Chase?
- I don't know.
I have to think about it.
- Hold on.
- Hey.
I got you a salad.
- Thank you.
- So the guy
from the bodega
asked me if I was the guy
from 'Game of Thrones."
- What'd you say?
- I told him no
and then I asked
if he was the guy
from "Slumdog Millionaire."
- [laughs]
That's not really
an insult, though.
The guy from "Game of Thrones,"
he's really attractive.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
I'd go out with him.
- Really?
- Oh yeah.
But if he was a nice guy.
I could really use
a nice guy right now.
[cellphone ringing]
- [sighs]
Yes, what is it?
- Hey, it's Oscar, Larry.
- Yes, what do you want?
- I just wanted to check
in to see how the spell's going
- Oh, I'm working on it now.
- Okay, you think
it's going to work?
- Yes.
Now, before we go
through with this,
you're going to have to
deposit the rest of the money
in the bank.
- What are you talking about,
man?
I already paid you.
- No, you paid me half.
What you paid me for was
for writing the spell.
If you want me
to perform it,
it's another $20,000.
- $20,000?
I didn't agree to that!
- Take it or leave it.
- Fucking A. Goddammit.
Look, man,
the show is tomorrow, okay.
Just let me pay you the
second half after the show,
because maybe it won't work,
and then--
- It'll work,
but if I don't get the money,
I'll put it back in.
- You can do that, Larry?
Seriously?
Because I didn't...
- [sighs]
[ominous piano music]
♪♪
- So look, I was trying to
buy a baby crib online today,
but the credit card
was declined.
- Why were you buying
a baby crib?
- Because we're having
a fucking baby.
- Yeah, but they're
really expensive, Chase.
- Okay, so what's
the baby going to sleep in,
a dresser?
- That's not
a terrible idea.
Isn't that what they did
during the Great Depression,
they put the babies
in the dressers
when they had to sell
their cribs
to maintain their--
- Why are you so sweaty?
- It's hot as fuck out here.
What do you mean?
- No, you're really sweaty.
Are you sick or nervous,
or what's going on?
- No. I'm just excited
about the show.
- Oscar, we can go home.
We've already seen this.
- No, why would we go home?
I'm excited about the show.
Are you kidding?
No, no, no, no.
I'm just excited.
- Thank you.
- Let's go, come on.
- Why are you
having us do this?
- Just shut up and do it.
- This is disgusting.
- It's a watermelon, Lucy.
It's not a cadaver, okay?
Go get me that gerbil.
- What?
Why?
- You'll see.
- This is animal cruelty.
- Putting a gerbil inside
a fucking watermelon
is not animal cruelty,
not even close.
- It's going to get PTSD.
- Oh, that's right.
Call the Humane Society.
I'm Michael Vick.
Put it inside!
- Be brave, little buddy.
- I don't understand
what you're doing.
- Of course you don't
understand.
It's like explaining quantum
physics to a four-year-old.
[chuckles]
I'm on another level!
- You're deluded
is what you are.
- [speaking spell language]
- What is this?
- Be quiet.
- Is this a new spell?
- [speaking spell language]
- We haven't practiced this!
- Open it!
- This could be dangerous!
- It's gone.
- Excellent!
Let's start the show!
[chuckles]
- Are you nervous
about something?
- No. Why?
- You're sweating profusely.
- No, I'm just...
It's hot as fuck in here.
There weren't that many
people here last time.
All these bodies and stuff.
- I know, they're doing better.
- It's a lot hotter
and whatnot.
- Do you want me to get
you some water or something?
- I'm fine. I'm just...
[audience applause]
- Some people
are truly terrified.
They call it witchcraft,
sorcery,
but it's really just a matter
of moving molecules.
I'm not a magician
so much,
just a scientist.
My cape is an instrument,
as you can see,
and my words
provide the electricity.
I will show you.
[speaking spell language]
[audience gasps]
[speaking spell language]
[audience gasps]
It's a science.
[speaking spell language]
[audience applause]
Thank you.
Thank you.
Now, I would like
a nice girl
in the audience.
How about you
in the front row
with the brown hair
and chestnuts for eyes?
- No, no.
- Yeah.
- That last time was scary.
- It's okay.
- No.
- Please, join me.
- Go on, go up there.
- I don't want to.
- It's okay. It's okay.
- Don't be afraid.
And what is your name?
- Chase.
- Chase.
Let's hear it for Chase.
[audience applause]
In the old days we would move
this box over the trapdoor
and we would put
someone in it,
cover the box,
and the person
would disappear
of course
through the trapdoor,
but now...
[speaking spell language]
[audience murmuring]
We do things differently.
We are going to use
a different kind of magic.
As you can see--
- Stop!
- Magdalena,
you came back.
What do you think
you're doing?
I'm in the middle
of a show.
- Is this girl pregnant?
- What?
Are you pregnant?
You're trying to make
her baby disappear?
- Me?
- What?
Me? I would do
no such thing.
Get out of here!
You're not safe here!
Go! Run away!
- I don't understand.
- How could you do
something so heartless?
- But it doesn't have a heart.
- You're a fucking pig!
- This is unbelievable!
Magdalena, my wife,
I thought she left me
four months ago
and now she comes back!
[chuckling]
It's unbelievable!
- Chase, listen, seriously,
I'm sorry, seriously.
- You're this much
of a scumbag?
You hired the magician
to make the baby disappear?
- You tricked me into
having a baby to begin with.
I figured I was within
my rights to trick you
into getting rid of it,
to be honest.
- Okay, well, you can stop
trying to trick me now
because you're
off the hook, okay?
I'm going to have
this baby alone,
and I don't want
you near it.
- I'm not off the hook.
Financially I still
have to take care of it.
I still have to pay
child support or alimony,
whatever the fuck
you call it.
So I'm not off the hook
by any means, by any means.
- Okay, Oscar,
well, that's how it works.
- Yeah, but I got bad news.
We're broke.
Okay, so one of us
is going to have to get a job
to take care of the
little motherfucker,
and it's going to be me.
Yeah, you can smile
all you want.
It's not going to be
you working.
It's a man.
It's a man's world.
We bring home the bacon,
you fry it up in a pan.
- You know what?
I don't give a shit,
because I don't want
your money.
I don't want
anything from you.
I especially don't want you.
But you know, Oscar,
I think a baby is exactly
what you need.
Have you ever thought of that?
It might actually give you
something to focus on
besides yourself.
- Nobody needs
a fucking baby, Chase.
Just another form
of self-absorption.
It's not altruistic,
you passing your DNA
along to someone else.
Nobody needs your DNA.
How much evil
did you do with this?
- Not too much.
- How much?
Only a small amount.
Can you fix it?
I think so.
You better try.
And then I want you
to destroy it.
- Can I help you?
- Yeah.
I want to see Leah.
- She doesn't want
to see you.
- Fine, I'll wait
for her to get out.
- She's not coming out.
- Look, I know she's dating
that little person.
Is she fucking him?
- I don't know.
- Because if she's
fucking him,
I'll twist his
little tiny head off
and cum down his throat.
Tell him that shit,
would you?
- Can I make a suggestion?
- No, you can't.
- You need help.
- You need help.
All women do.
- Call this number.
This guy can help you.
- Hey, tell Fat Boy Slim
and Baby Dick
to keep their hands
off my lady.
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
[knocking on door]
- Yes?
- Hi.
Do you own this place?
- My dad does.
- Do you think he might
be interested in selling it?
- Maybe.
Are you interested
in buying it?
- Actually, I am.
- Dad.
- What?
- Come here.
- I'm busy!
- A nice man
wants to buy our house.
He's in a suit
and he looks rich.
- How much?
- Well, I've got
to look inside,
take a look at the pipes,
and then I'll let you know--
- You're not coming in
my house.
- I have to look inside if I--
- Last time I let a white man
in my house he tried to play
Air Supply on my stereo.
Man, fuck that shit.
- Listen, I do need
to come inside
and look around
to give you an offer.
- Okay,
it's in good shape.
- How much you offering,
white boy?
- Three-hundred thousand.
- Man, fuck you.
- Dad.
- Cash.
- Hester, get inside.
- It's 325.
- You see,
he thinks we're stupid.
He's trying to take
advantage of us.
- Three seventy-five.
- Okay, this house is worth
twice as much as that.
- You see?
My baby even knows
what time it is.
Man, you get the hell
out of here.
- All right, well
thanks for your time.
- Wait, hold on.
Why do you want us
to leave so badly?
You don't like
the color brown?
- I love the color brown.
I had a brown Ford Nova
in high school.
- What'd you do with it,
paint it white?
- Absolutely not.
I drove it all the way
through college.
I even lost my virginity
in that car.
- Are you talking
sex to my daughter?
- No.
- Hester, I ain't telling you
no more, get inside.
[camera shutter clicks]
- What are you doing?
What?
Are you taking my picture?
- Smile for me.
[camera shutter clicking]
- Why are you taking my picture?
- You know how it is when
you see a suspicious
black man in a hoodie
in the neighborhood,
you white folks warn
everybody who's coming?
I'm going to warn
everybody about you.
- Yeah,
but I'm not dangerous.
- Yeah?
Ain't nothing more dangerous
than a white man in a suit.
- Hey, man,
forget the whole thing.
Just forget it.
- Mm-hmm.
Everybody going to know
who you are.
Yeah, yeah, you going to be
like that Michael Richard,
you know the one who yelled
nigga in that nightclub?
[camera shutter clicking]
Right! Mm-hmm.
You going to be public enemy
number one up in here!
That's right!
Hester, get on in the house!
I told you already!
- You Fred?
I got fucking problems, man.
- Yeah, Lucy told me
you have problem,
you have a lot of problems.
- What?
- Lucy told me
you have problems.
- Okay, your voice
is fucked up, too.
Your girlfriend, she sounds like
she's from fucking Transylvania.
You sound like
you're from fucking...
Where the fuck are you from?
- France.
- You guys don't got
speech therapists in France?
- You're an asshole.
- Hey, Fred.
Fred!
I'm fucking sorry,
all right?
I know I'm an asshole.
I'm also racist.
I'm misogynistic.
I'm violent.
I accost people in the street.
I fucking yell at old ladies.
I don't know
what's wrong with me.
- Why would you do that?
- I don't know why I do it.
I come from a good home.
My parents are decent people.
I don't know.
I have this uncle that used
to watch me when I was little,
and he kind of filled my head
with a bunch of crazy bullshit.
- Who was that?
- Bill O'Reilly.
Goddammit.
My ass is all sweaty, man.
- I may have a pill for that.
- I just need
to wipe my ass.
Do you have a pill
to make me a better person?
I don't got to be great.
Just make me decent.
- And for my next trick,
I will be making
somebody disappear.
Lucy, Dean,
can you please pick somebody
from the audience
to disappear?
Someone vivacious, please.
- What about this
beautiful young man?
- What about you, ma'am?
You sure?
- How about this
beautiful man?
- No, thank you.
- You, ma'am?
You sure?
How about you, ma'am?
- You, ma'am?
- Come on, you sure?
- How about this beautiful man?
- No thank you.
- Look, I think he's perfect.
I'll take him for a date.
I guess it's you, sir.
- Oh, yes!
Yes, we have a volunteer.
Thank you.
[audience clapping]
Thank you so much, sir!
What's your name?
- Jerry.
- Jerry!
You're going to get
into this box,
and I'm going to make
your particles completely
disintegrate.
- Okay, let's do it.
- You want to get in this box?
- I'm ready.
Just go right in?
- Yeah.
- So sit down?
- That's great.
- [grunting in effort]
You good?
- I'm fine.
- Okay. All right, guys,
- I'm good.
- we're going to make Jerry
disappear.
[audience clapping]
Woo!
All right!
[rumbling in box]
[nervous chuckling]
[speaking spell language]
Behold.
Jerry is gone.
[audience mildly clapping]
He's particles.
Split up into
billions of pieces
and they are floating
right now
into one of these chairs.
[Jerry coughing]
- Okay.
Oh, very good, sir.
Only one more flight!
- That was something.
- Okay, come this way.
- It's a little steep,
but not so bad.
- This stair,
you go to this stair now.
- Oh, no, no, no, no,
I'm not going!
- Yes, yes, yes,
you're coming with me.
- No, I just came up
those stairs!
I'm not going up any more
stairs! - It's fine!
- I'm going back to my chair.
- This sucks!
- No, it doesn't.
It's amazing.
It's magic!
- Around and around
and around!
- My hips hurt!
- [nervous chuckle]
- My knees hurt.
- Sorry, I just
came up those stairs.
- Go back, go back, go
back!
- Look where I just came--
- It's okay, it's okay.
Go back to your seat.
Go back to your seat.
- Fine.
[Jerry exhales]
- It's Jerry!
[single clapping]
Hey, Jerry.
Yeah, he's so magical.
Jerry.
Thank you
for coming to the show,
this wonderful magic show.
Please come again.
I'm Leah the Lovely.
- You're lying,
just admit it!
- No.
- You're breaking up with me
because of my height!
- It has nothing
to do with that.
- You're getting back
to that racist redneck
piece of shit!
- It's not like that.
He's changed.
- Bullshit!
He called you a kike!
- He hates everybody
equally.
- Look, you think
I'm handsome,
I'm funny.
We have fun together.
- Yes, that's true.
- I never once
pressured you to have sex.
- I appreciate that.
- Look, I don't care
if we never have sex.
I just want to be with you.
- Ralphie's waiting for me.
I have to go.
[somber piano music]
♪♪
- Everything okay?
- It's fine.
- Look, I think that maybe
I should go apologize to him.
- No.
Maybe later.
Let's go.
- You look amazing pregnant.
- You really do
look good, sweetie.
- Oh, thank you.
I do feel amazing.
- I'm jealous.
- Yeah?
- I'm not, but I'm happy for
you.
- You were so against it
nine months ago.
- That's because I was
defending the other baby.
Speaking of,
how's Oscar handling all this?
- Oh, he's doing okay.
He's actually looking
for a job right now.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- I thought you guys
sold the old apartment.
- We did, but we got
completely ripped off
with the apartment.
We didn't get market value.
- That place
is worth millions.
- No, not really.
You know Jamie.
She knows Jamie.
She dated him.
- Oh, God.
- He bought the apartment,
and he totally
screwed us over.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- Just like him, though.
Not surprised.
- I thought
they were friends.
- Hey, Larry.
Larry.
- Hello.
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
- It says here
in special skills
that you can change the memory
on a Commodore 64?
- Yeah, I can.
- That's a completely
antiquated system.
No one uses Commodore 64s.
We certainly do not.
- I know that, but the
vinyl record came back so...
- So you're serious?
- Okay, listen,
I'm going to be honest
with you, Ted.
Now, listen to me here,
just man to man, okay?
I don't know anything
about coding
or languages or any
X code or whatever,
hyperlink language
and stuff like that.
I dabbled with HTML
for a while.
I know a few tags.
And I designed a website
in DreamWeaver once,
but I think I've
pretty much forgotten
how to use that, too.
- DreamWeaver?
- Yeah. Look, man.
I've got a baby on the way,
and I really need a job.
Here's the thing you got
to think about, man.
Our kind,
we're under threat.
- Our kind?
- Yeah.
You know, men.
Culturally we're under assault.
And especially white guys.
It's like everyone
hates us now
because they're blaming us
for all the problems,
because we've been in
power for so long
and the world's fucked up.
And I feel like you need
to hire white people like us,
or else we're going
to get phased out, you know.
- Are you even white?
- Yeah, if it helps me
get the job,
yeah, I'm super white.
Ronald Reagan white.
Republican white,
completely.
Not David Duke white,
but white enough
to get the job done,
you know what I'm saying?
- "White enough
to get the job done"?
- Yeah, of course,
but look,
I can also go
the other way, too.
You know what I mean?
You know what I'm saying?
- No.
- I can be Arab.
I can be Mexican.
I can be whatever you want.
I can be on one side
of the spectrum,
I can be on the other side
of the spectrum.
If you need to hire a
white guy, which you should,
because white guys need
to stick together, do it.
Hire me
and I'll be white.
If you need to hire
more minorities,
I'm your man for that, too,
and I can be whatever.
I could be Akbar,
I could be Chico.
The bottom line is
I need a job, man.
I mean, you know.
- [sighs]
- We have enough money left
to keep the show going
for another six weeks.
- Six weeks?
- Yeah.
- Shit.
- Listen, there are options.
We can...
Tuesday nights we can open up
an open mic night
and have guitars and--
- No fucking way.
- Are you sure you want it?
- Yes.
- Are you certain?
- Yes.
- This is new.
- How does it work?
- Just drink it.
- And I'll grow taller?
- Yes.
- It doesn't seem possible.
- It works.
- How much taller?
- I don't know.
- Are there any
side effects?
- It might change you.
- Change me how?
- Your face.
- It's going
to change my face?
- Yeah, it could.
- I like my face.
I have a handsome face.
- You do have
a handsome face.
- You have a handsome
face, too.
- Thank you.
- So, it's going to make
my face all fucked up and shit?
- Fucked up?
- Yeah, like
the Elephant Man.
- I don't know
the Elephant Man.
- The Elephant Man,
John Merrick.
They did a movie about him.
It's really sad.
- What did he look like?
- It's the Elephant Man.
Google it.
- Okay.
Elephant Man.
[sighs]
Here?
This guy?
- No, that's Mickey Rourke.
- Oh, okay.
- Yeah, that's him.
[scoffs]
- Oh.
No, you won't look like him,
but it might change you.
You will look different.
Wait.
If you drink it,
there's no going back.
[cellphone ringing]
- Hello?
- Yes, is this Mr. Trout?
- Yeah.
- This is Carl over at
Systems Tech in Jersey.
- Oh, what's up?
How's it going?
- I've got some great
news for you, Mr. Trout.
- Okay.
- On behalf
of everyone here,
we'd like to offer
you the job.
- Oh.
Oh. Great.
- Congratulations, Mr. Trout.
- Thank you.
I appreciate it.
- Can you start work
on Monday?
- Yeah.
I can be there Monday.
- Great.
See you then.
Hey, and have fun tonight.
- Have fun tonight?
What do you mean?
- Well, I assume
you'll be celebrating.
- Oh, right.
Yeah, yeah.
- It's a tough market
right now.
Finding a job that pays
this well isn't easy.
- Right, $42,000 a year.
That's pretty much
a fortune.
That's a big one.
- Oh, and one more thing.
If you don't mind,
we have a policy on haircuts
and beards.
- A policy?
- Yeah, so you'll need
to take care of that
before you come in
on Monday.
- You want me to cut my hair
and shave my beard?
- It's just how things
work around here.
- Okay.
- Great.
See you Monday, Mr. Trout.
Have a nice weekend.
- See you Monday.
Without that book,
we're finished.
You can't get it back?
No, I sold it.
- Why did you do that?
- You told me to get rid of it.
We needed the money.
It's the only thing
keeping us afloat.
I thought you didn't care
if we lost this place.
This theater is a monument.
I don't want to see it
destroyed.
If we sell it,
they'll probably put
a fucking pharmacy here.
They have pills
for everything now.
It's its own magic.
It's such a shame.
I never told you this but...
I know a few spells
of my own.
Really? All these years
and you never told me?
- I have a few secrets, too.
- Seriously?
What kind of spells
do you know?
I know one that will
win us the lottery.
The lottery?
How does it work?
Simple.
We just need the menstrual
blood of a young girl.
Let's just use yours.
You're young.
Not young enough,
I'm afraid.
That's okay.
We'll find someone.
- Let's do it.
- She must be a virgin.
- Hmm.
- There it goes!
A little higher next time.
[doorbell ringing]
- Hey.
- Oscar.
What's up?
- Hey, Wendy.
- Hi.
- What's doing?
- I need something.
- What do you need?
What do you need?
- I need the book.
- What book?
- You know, the book.
- "And I will squish you
like a fucking insect,
"you little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!
"And I will squish you like
a fucking insect,
"you little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!
"Little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!
Little Willy Wonka
munchkin fuck!"
[dramatic piano music]
♪♪
[whooshing sound]
- Excuse me.
Can I help you?
- Hi, Leah.
- Hi.
- It's me.
- You who?
- It's me, Dean.
- What the fuck, Dean?
What happened to your face?
- I know, it changed.
- Yeah.
- Do you hate it?
- No.
You're still handsome.
- You're so beautiful.
- Dean, stop.
Did Larry do this to you?
- No.
- Then how?
Oh God, you're huge.
- I did it for us.
- What?
What do you mean?
- I did it so
we could be together.
What's wrong?
- Now you're too tall.
- What is it, Leah?
- I liked you
the way you were, Dean.
- Leah,
where are you going?
I love you!
Leah, come back!
- Dean, you look great!
- It worked!
- Thanks.
But I want to be with you!
I love you!
- I don't like tall guys.
- Why didn't you
say that before?
- I'm sorry, it's true.
I mean, if you were like
5'8" or 5'6" or something,
but you're 6'2" or 6'3",
and that's just too tall.
I'm sorry.
- Um, Leah?
Hi.
Can we talk to you
for a second, please?
- Sure.
- Come on in.
It's uh--
Oh.
- Hi.
- This way, please.
Can I help you?
- Oh hey, Quentin.
It's me, Dean.
- Oh.
I didn't recognize you.
Did you cut your hair?
Or...
Okay.
Listen, you've been here
for over a year now,
and we just want to check in
and make sure
that you're happy here.
- Yeah, it's been a blast.
I hope everyone's
happy with my work.
- Oh yeah, yeah.
You've been great.
You've been great.
- Good.
Listen, that thing
between me and Dean
has just been a fling.
I know it's been
making things weird,
but we're working
things out.
- Oh, not at all.
You don't have to worry
about that.
- Good.
Then why am I here?
- We need a glass
of your menstrual blood.
- Do you hate me?
- I love you.
- Really?
- Of course.
- I just feel
kind of bad for you.
- Why?
- Well, you're starting
that new job tomorrow.
- Don't be ridiculous,
okay?
Look, I've lived
a very privileged life.
Up until now
I've been very lucky.
I mean, I'm lucky now.
I'm lucky now.
I'm luckier now
than I've ever been.
With the baby coming.
I'm working.
This is good.
You know?
- Mm-hmm.
- You're going to shave,
right?
You're going to do that tonight?
- Of course, yeah.
I'm going to shave tonight.
I'm going to get a haircut
first thing in the morning.
- Okay.
- I'm excited.
Change is good.
- Can't say I'm going
to miss that beard.
- Well, yeah.
I need to grow up anyway.
I'm not Peter Pan.
You've got to grow up
sometime.
And I'm ready.
I'm ready to be part
of the club.
The parent club.
Children first.
- Yeah, but that's not what
it's all about, okay.
Remember, you have
to have me time, too.
- I'm going to have
plenty of me time.
Don't worry about that.
There's a commute
to work and...
I think we have a 30-minute
lunch break.
I've been feeling
so sorry for myself lately,
but fuck that.
We still have this
beautiful apartment.
It's small, yes,
but look at that.
Look at that view.
How many people could say
they have a view like this,
Chase?
Chase?
Oh.
[sighs deeply]
[melancholy orchestral music]
♪♪
[exhales deeply]
[sighs]
[heart beating]
[sighs]
[heart beating continues]
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
- Where's Rosa?
- She said she probably
be late again.
Probably fighting
with Anthony.
- I don't even know
what she sees in that clown.
- You know how she is.
She'll talk to anybody.
- She ain't dated me.
- She not that stupid.
- Hey!
- I wouldn't fuck with Rosa
if she had Beyonce's pussy.
- Hey, you want to play?
- Who, me?
- Yeah.
We need an extra man.
- Oh, I'd love to.
- Come on.
["Pretty Please"
by The Triplett Twins]
♪♪
♪ Pretty please
with sugar on top
♪ Baby give me
that love you've got
♪ Keep it comin' girl,
good and hot
♪ I don't want you
to ever stop
♪ Baby I've been watching you
♪ For a long, long time
♪ I'd be so happy if
♪ I could make you mine
♪ The way you touch me
- Do you have any
performance experience?
- Um, yeah.
I played Juliet's nurse
in a community theater
production of
"Romeo and Juliet."
- That's interesting.
- Yeah.
I'm really good.
It's so hard to find work
in this town,
but I know
Uta Hagen's playbook
like the back of my hand.
So...
- Who is that?
- Oh, she's just
some acting teacher.
- Well this position doesn't
really require acting so much.
You'll mostly be on the stage
next to the magician,
just assisting him.
- Oh, but I thought this was
more of a dramatic role.
- Oh, there'll be drama,
but it's mostly unscripted.
Do you know that show
"Wheel of Fortune"?
- Oh, yeah!
I know that show, yeah.
- It's like the
Vanna White role.
- Oh, so I'll be turning
letters and stuff like that?
- No, not at all.
You'll just be on stage
next to the magician,
looking pretty.
- Oh.
I think I was
totally misinformed
about what this
job required.
- You're very pretty,
so you already meet the
requirement in that respect.
- Oh, thank you.
Yeah, well,
I need the work, so I guess
I'll do whatever it takes.
- Great. Great.
So just one
last question really.
Are you a virgin?
- What?
- Are you a virgin?
- No, I heard
what you just said.
Am I a virgin?
That's what you're
asking me right now?
You're asking me
if I'm a fucking virgin?!
What type of
question is that?
- It's just a standard
question.
- I'm in a job interview
right now
and you're asking me
if I'm a virgin!
Fuck, man!
Fuck, have you even heard
of fucking "Me Too?"
- "Me Too"?
What is that?
Is that a sequel
to something?
I didn't see the first Me,
so I don't know it.
- Goodbye.
All right.
- Oh, yeah!
Oh.
- In.
- Oh, yeah!
- That was beautiful.
- Hey!
What are you guys doing?
You know who
this motherfucker is?
- No, who is he?
- What? What?
- Is this you?
- What?
- You're the White Devil?
- The White Devil?
No.
- Oh, snap!
Yo, I seen these!
Yo, it is you!
- Man, get the
fuck off our court!
- Rosa, chill!
- Seriously, get off!
- Rosa, damn, calm down.
- This isn't your court.
This is everybody's court.
- Man, I will punch you.
- Rosa!
- What?
- Wait a second.
Are you threatening me?
I didn't do anything wrong.
- Fuck you!
- Look, no one
is threatening you.
Why are you getting violent?
We're just playing ball.
You too, Carlos!
- Yeah.
- No, I'm just saying, man,
he the White Devil!
- This is the enemy,
and if you don't make him
leave, I will!
Get the hell of the court!
- Yo, man, you need to dip out
before you get dipped on.
- Hey, man.
- I didn't do anything wrong!
- That's the problem!
You don't know the difference
between right and wrong!
- Yo, get off the court!
- What's your problem?
- Where's Jimmy?
Where's Jerome?
Hannah? Cindy?
This whole fucking place
is like a Bermuda triangle!
["Mia Kapo Mia A"
by Kapono Beamer & Mac Prindy]
♪ Now is the moment
♪ When I will say
♪ Now and forever, darling
♪ I will love you to
- Aw, she's cute.
- She is cute.
- Yeah, I suppose she is.
- Sweetie, what's wrong?
- Oh, nothing.
I'm just tired.
Do you want to hold her?
- You look tired.
You're not sleeping?
- What's going on?
Is the baby keeping you
up at night?
- No. She sleeps
through the night.
I sleep like a rock in fact.
It's just, it's hard getting
out of bed, actually.
- Chase, what's wrong?
Sweetie, what is it?
- Oscar did something?
What did that
son of a bitch do?
- No, it's not him.
- Then what is it?
- I feel like
she doesn't like me.
- Oh, come on.
Of course she does.
- No. She's like this
because you're here,
but when it's
just us, she just...
I just don't feel like
we're connecting.
I don't feel like
I'm close to her.
I just feel empty
all the time.
God, I feel like
a made a mistake.
- Sweetie, no,
you probably have
postpartum depression
I think.
- It's common
to feel that way.
- No.
This is different,
because when I look at her,
I think to myself,
"Who is this baby,
and why did I do this?"
And when I wake up,
I just feel like I'm waking up
to a bad dream.
[crying]
Oh, God.
Why did I do this?
[crying continues]
I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
- And look at that right there.
Isn't that amazing?
- Aw...
- She's so cute!
- She's really, really cute.
- Congrats, Oscar.
- Thanks so much, man.
She was 10 pounds
when she was born.
Can you believe that?
- Man, that is a fat baby.
- She takes after her father.
[everyone laughs]
- Look at that one there.
Look at that one.
- Aw...
- Oh my God,
she's like a little angel.
- She's really adorable, Oscar.
- She really is.
I was terrified
before she got here.
To be honest with you,
I was so afraid before
she came in the world.
I thought I was
going to hate her,
[sighs deeply]
but I love her.
- That's what makes the
world go 'round, man.
- That's great.
- It's important
to love your kids.
- It really, really is.
- Yeah, it's vital
for their upbringing.
- Yeah yeah.
- Yeah, I don't think
my mother loved me at all.
I think that's why
I hate women
and I'm slightly suicidal.
- I always wanted
to have kids.
- Yeah, I did, too.
- Yeah, man, I'd like
to have a baby one day.
- Me, too.
- Wait.
None of you have children?
- No.
- Nope.
- Really?
- I gave up trying
after my third miscarriage.
- I'm shooting blanks.
- Yeah, I'm shooting
blanks, too.
- I know a guy
who has pills for that.
- Yeah, I'd rather stay in.
[all laughing]
- Oh, my God.
Okay. Normally I'd frown
upon this kind of conversation
in the workplace,
but it's Friday, so fuck it!
- This guy, this guy.
- You're the coolest, Carl.
- I know, I know.
- Boss of the Year.
- Hey, thanks for letting
me keep the beard, man.
I appreciate that.
- Hey, if you want
to look like a terrorist,
that's your prerogative.
[all chuckling]
- Check it out.
- Look at that face.
- That's her mom.
That's my wife.
We got married.
For some reason.
[Leah giggles]
- That was fun.
- Yeah.
You're all right
for a first-timer.
- Really?
- Mm-hmm. Pretty good.
- Thanks.
- I mean, I'd say
on a scale of one to 10,
a pretty solid five
and a half.
- Okay.
- I mean, you're going
to want to move around
a little bit more next time,
honestly.
Really get your hips into it.
Alright?
You want to take
your pussy muscles
and really tighten them
around my dick.
Does that make sense?
- Kind of.
- Hold out your finger.
- Okay.
- I want you to imagine
my hand is your vagina,
your finger my dick.
- Mm-hmm.
- Really squeeze that shit.
- Ralphie,
you're being so crass.
Are you still on
your medication?
- Nah, I stopped taking
that shit weeks ago.
- Why?
- Why?
Because I fucking wanted to.
Gotta make a phone call.
- What?
- Yeah. Shh.
Lester.
You owe me
500 fucking dollars!
[chuckles]
I popped her cherry!
Yes, I did!
Are you fucking
kidding me right now?
Yeah.
No. What, do you want
a fucking picture?
There's blood
all over the sheets.
I'll send you a picture
of some bloody sheets.
[chuckles]
Come on,
it's a fucking joke.
It's your fucking phone.
It's not even my phone.
Come on.
- That's not funny.
- Of course I'm still on
my medication.
You think I want to be
the monster I was before?
I want to be with you.
[upbeat piano music]
♪♪
- Hello? Hello?
[knocking on door]
Hello?
Wow.
Hey. Hi, there.
- What's up, guy?
- Do you know
who owns this building?
- Yes, I do.
- Think they might be
interested in selling it?
- You see
a "for sale" sign?
- No.
That's usually when you can
get the good deals, though.
- You son of a bitch.
You go around buying all the
public property around here,
then make the rent higher
and try to change
the community.
- No.
- Nah,
go back to Manhattan.
We don't need
your kind around here.
The fact is, we can't
afford the price as it is!
- I only own
a couple buildings here,
and no one has to leave.
- That's how it starts off,
with a couple buildings,
then it's more buildings,
then everything changes!
- Uh-uh.
- Go back to Manhattan!
- All right, listen.
What I'll do is I'm going to
just leave you some information,
and then--
- Get the fuck
out of here, man.
- I'm going to leave
you some information.
- Later. Later!
- And then--
Okay. Yeah, later.
- Later! Later! Later!
[Jamie performing spell]
What the hell
are you doing?
[Jamie performing spell]
What is that?
[Jamie performing spell]
You out of the nuthouse
or something?
[Jamie performing spell]
Get the fuck out of here!
- Ha!
[funky music playing]
♪♪
[man rapping]
♪ Cuz I'm persistent. ♪
♪ Never quitting. ♪
♪ No resistance.
I go the distance. ♪
[playing guitar]
- Pervading the structure,
the empty greed of rational...
[singing]
♪ I love America. ♪
♪ I love America. ♪
[singing]
♪ All right. ♪
♪ So life is hard and love is
strange, all right. ♪
♪ All right. ♪
♪ New York Town
is full of ghosts. ♪
- "Pickles in brine,"
she said.
The sixth floor we could
find a fine biscuit and beer.
[singing]
♪ F. U. ♪
♪ F. U! ♪
- I cannot lose myself
in relaxation
without my meditation.
♪ In our fur pajamas,
I pay bananas, ♪
♪ monkey see,
monkey do. ♪
♪ Wouldn't you be... ♪
- How you doing?
- Good.
Red wine, please.
- Sure.
- Just a whiskey neat, please.
- Alright.
♪ Out of all of my mates,
you'd be the prime. ♪
♪You'd be my primate. ♪
♪ Be the gorilla my dreams. ♪
- Perfect, thanks.
- How are you doing, Dean?
- I'm good.
- You're not upset
that Leah left?
- No, I don't blame her.
If my boss asked me
for my menstrual blood,
I would've left, too.
- But aren't you
heartbroken?
- Heartbroken?
Fuck no.
You know how easy
it is to get laid
when you're a tall guy?
I've had sex with
three girls this month.
- You need to be careful.
You know we're
being investigated
for sexual misconduct.
- Really?
- Yeah. Apparently it's
something Quentin did.
- Thank you.
[audience applauds]
- The fucker bumps into me
because the fucker's texting
and walking
at the same time.
- I have something to say,
and I want you all to listen.
I have herpes.
- You hear
that thunder clap?
It might be Thor.
We might see war.
You brought one god.
You might need more.
- While we're back
at his place,
things start to get steamy.
And it was great,
until he starts giving me
a pelvic exam.
- [singing]
♪ You're all that I need. ♪
♪ I need to feel these things ♪
♪ that you can feel... ♪
- Excuse me.
[singing continues]
It's great.
It's not too bad
of a turnout.
- Are you kidding?
This is a joke.
[singing continues]
- We're selling
a lot of alcohol.
I said we're selling
lots of alcohol, Larry.
- I heard you. Terrific.
- It's a shame Quentin
isn't here to see this.
This was his idea.
- I had no choice
but to let him go.
- It's a real shame.
- Yeah, well.
It couldn't be helped.
- It was your fault, Larry.
- Hey, do you want me
to fire you, too?
- This place isn't
the same without them.
- That's right.
Nothing stays the same.
- The new renovations
look nice.
- I hate them.
I hate all of this.
- You're in one of
your moods, Larry.
I don't like it
when you're like this.
- Look at this place.
Look at what this
has become.
No wonder Magdalena left.
- She always comes back.
- Ah... Not this time.
She has no interest
in stand-up comics,
folk singers,
beatniks, poets.
The thought of it
sickened her.
- I don't know,
I kind of like it.
- I wish somebody would kill
everyone in this room.
- I'm going to have
a cigarette.
- And I don't care
what you do.
[singing continues]
[sighs]
- I'm funny, I think.
That's what my mom said.
[singing]
♪ It's gonna be fine. ♪
♪ We'll be alright. ♪
♪ Baby don't go. ♪
♪ Baby don't go. ♪
- Hello.
- Hi.
- What's your name?
- Alina.
What's yours?
- Dean.
- Nice to meet you,
Dean.
- Nice to meet you, Alina.
- Can I get a beer?
- What kind?
- Just a long one.
- Oh, I've got
a long one for you.
Let me know
if this isn't long enough.
- Come and find me
after the show.
- I will.
- Bye.
[signing]
- ♪ Baby don't go. ♪
We're gonna be fine.
[audience applauds]
[singing]
- ♪ Bucharest boy ♪
♪ Budapest boy. ♪
♪ You're the best boy. ♪
♪ In the West, boy. ♪
♪ Would you like
to dance with me? ♪
♪ Can I hold your hand? ♪
♪ Would you like to sing
a song about tomorrow. ♪
♪ Bucharest boy. ♪
♪ Budapest boy. ♪
♪ You're the best boy. ♪
♪ In the West, boy. ♪