Bikini Jones and the Temple of Eros (2010) - full transcript

This is Martin.

This is Dr Jones. I'm in Cruella
Industries Headquarters.

Excellent. Any trouble?

(Not yet.)

But I have cleaned 3 floors with
the toilets to get here.

Excellent work Dr Jones. Your
country appreciates it.

Any sign of the idol?

That's right in front of me.

Can you secure it?

Its value is a *** national security.

Looks easy enough.



That's what worries me.

Is our deal still on place?

Yes, you will be allowed to study it
for your own research,

as long as we know it's not in
the hands of our enemies.

No one want the CIA going back
on their word now.

No tricks, Jones.

Just get the idol away from Evilla Cruella,

and you've done the world greatest service.

It doesn't seem to be an
alarm system in place.

I'll call you once I'm outside.

Be careful.

Don't worry,

I've stolen my fair share of idols.

Piece of cake.



Over and out.

Hmm.

You will look spectacular in my trophy case.

Freeze!

(Put your hands up.)

Easy Lady.

What are you doing in here?

Let me guess...

Silent alarm?

That's right.

Now I've asked you: what were you doing?

What's it look like, Einstein?

I'm the cleaning lady.

(I'm cleaning up.)

How'd you get in here?

All the doors are locked.

Can I help it?
I get paid to clean.

I finished three floors,
this was my last stop.

That's right.

I saw you on the second floor.

You do good work.

Thanks. I try.

(Well, I guess there's no harm done.)

We better not let anybody know about this.

They'll fire one of us for sure.

Why would I tell anyone?

I don't want to lose my job.

(Well, me either.)

So we agree? This never happened.

What happened?

Yeah, that's the idea.

You know, my shift is over now.

What do you say?

(You and me seal the deal?)

This way neither one of us
is tempted to talk about it later.

You mean...

...you and me?

Right here on the desk.

Well...

I guess no one gonna miss me
for a little while.

Great.

Let's not waste any time.

Oh baby, you already
started to me good luck.

(And that, Mr Martin,)

it's how I stole the sacred idol of Eros
right from under their noses.

Excellent work, Dr Jones. Excellent.

You know, word on the street is that Evilla Cruella

is absolutely having a cow over this.

And well, she might.

We have to ensure that this never
falls into her hands again.

Don't forget our deal:

I keep the idol for my research,
and when I'm done,

you CIA boys can have it for your
little collection.

I wish you'd reconsider
our agreement Dr Jones.

We can't afford to have that
floating around out there somewhere.

It won't be floating anywhere.

It will be with me.

I'll take good care of it.

You realize that on that idol, somewhere,

is the location of the temple of Eros?

Exactly.

And whoever finds the temple, finds
the Tiara of Aisha.

Exactly.

And whoever has the Tiara of Aisha,

shall be the ruler of the Empire of Moronica.

Can you believe Evilla Cruella,
with all her millions,

still wants to be ruler of the Empire?

(That's not gonna happen.)

We're counting on you.

(Listen Martin,)

I'll give you this trinket as soon as
I decipher the map to the temple.

That's all I'm interested in.

And what then? You'll hold on to the Tiara?

It's a museum piece.

I have no intention of becoming
queen of the morons.

That's your job.

Contact me the moment you break the code.

Ciao baby.

I want that idol. It's mine
by right of my ancestry.

Perhaps. But I thought you were from Hoboken.

Hoboken... Well...

My grandpa did settled there, but my
real destiny is the Empire of Moronica.

Yes, of course.

This is all very unfortunate.

I entrusted my spies to bring me my idol.

We had it, but it slipped away.

(And I want it back.)

How can we help you achieve
your goals, Mistress?

I must have that idol. It alone has the
location of the temple of Eros.

With it i can acquire the Tiara of Aisha,

and rule all of Moronica.

And then you will be the supreme
Empress of Moronica.

Suits me well, don't you think?

It does, indeed.

Then get me that idol.

I don't care how you do it
or by what means,

just bring it back to me.

I understand that Dr Jones,
the eminent archaeologist,

(has it in her possession.)

Then you know what to do.

Rally our spies in America
and bring me that idol.

At your command.

I will have that idol ***.

Man! I feel like I haven't
showered in a week.

At least, still smells like
a blonde security guard.

Well, I can fix that.

Who the hell are you?

(Carol Summers.)

Department of National Antiquities.

Martin asked me to stop by to see
if I could be of any assistance.

Is that so...

(Well, I didn't hear anything about this,)

and I don't remember asking for any help.

Well, Martin's anxious to have
the idol in safekeeping.

As long as you possess it,

(it it could fall into the wrong hands.)

Pff, yeah, I've heard the spiel.

Can you give me a moment?

Alright.

You can just step outside to the hallway.

[*phone rings*]

Martin here.

This is Dr Jones.

Ah. Doctor.

Everything's all right?

Just calling to check on a Carol Summers.

Yes?

One of yours?

(Absolutely. We thought
you might need a hand.)

Carol is an excellent... cipher.

So am I.

But I could use some help.

Might speed up the process a little.

That's what we thought.

She's very good.

I'm sure you two will hit it all off.

I'll let you know.

Hey, and next time you ask
someone to drop in on me,

warn me first.

Understood.

Carol?

Everything hunky-dory?

Yeah, it's all "hunky-dory".

So what's your game, sister?

I'm just your average, red blooded,
all american egghead, I guess.

Too smart for my own good.

No luck with the boys, huh?

No. Guys don't make passes
at girls who wear glasses.

That's why I wear contacts.

I wish I could but it hurts my eyes.

Hmm, studying too hard.
You should get out more.

Hmm, maybe.

Everything's okay?

Oh...

That's a whip mark.

A whip mark?

Got it in Istanbul.

That's incredible.

Someone actually whipped you?

Well, they tried. But they didn't
get away with it.

I had a live cobra in my pants.

A live cobra?

(Never underestimate the power of...)

highly poisonous and very pissed-off snake.

Sounds like you've been through a lot.

And I've got the bruises to prove it.

A person who lives a dangerous
life like you do,

needs to relax more.

Maybe.

But in my line of work you
got to keep on your toes.

Sounds like you need a massage.

I studied Rikki in college.

Rikki?

Rikki Tikki Tavi. The art of
sensuous mongoose massage.

Are you any good?

Well... I haven't had any luck with the boys,

but I scored a pretty high with the girls.

Mm-hmm.

Well...

Martin did say you were
to lend a helping hand.

He didn't say where those hands
would be used.

So what the hell?

At last...

"The person who possesses it rules the Empire".

Dought... Who wants it?

This was too easy.

Hold it!

Okay, okay, don't shoot.

Now, gently. Put everything back on the counter.

(That's a good boy.)

Now tell me: who do you work for?

I think you already know.

I work for the rightful owner of that idol:

Evilla Cruella. The heir to the Empire Moronica.

You mean: "the airhead".

Wait. Isn't she from Hoboken?

Well, her grandpa settled in Hoboken
but her ancestors were Morons.

Make no mistake about it.

I'm gonna have to trust you on that one.

Unfortunately the idol is mine now,

and when I finish, the CIA is gonna
put it where the sun don't shine.

You don't know what you're
playing with, Dr Jones.

Evilla will go to great lengths
to regain that idol.

You could be a very rich woman.

What's money to me?

You could have power. Lots of power.

I'm already telling the
CIA where to stick it.

How much more power do I need?

Hmm. You could have rocking
sex, day and night.

Nice...

But I'm a little tired.

Now turn around, and put your
hands behind your back.

(Okay.)

But this is gonna hurt you a
lot more than it hurts me.

(That's what all the boys say.)

*Ouch*

Good work, Carol.

I thought you might sleep through
the entire thing.

Dr Jones takes a lot out of a woman.

I'm still a little weak in the knees.

(Cool your jets, Carol!)

Let's grab everything and get out
of here before she wakes up.

See you doctor. Thanks for the hot sex.

This is terrible news, Dr Jones.

Yes.

... I mean... What is?

Are you sure you're alright?

Me?

Pff. Of course I am.

What did you just called me?

You're Dr Jones.

I am?

Oh dear...

Don't you remember anything that's happened?

Oh! Of course I do.

I took a shower,

(got to know Carol a little better,)

and then I found this strange guy in my house.

And he was stealing the idol.

Yes, yes?

I had the upper hand...

and the he told me that Evilla Cruella
wants to be Empress of Moronica.

She comes from a long line of Morons.

From Hoboken... so I'm told.

Yeah, that's what I thought too.

But the bottom line is:

"Whoever finds the Tiara of Aisha,
can crown themselves Empress"

(It's a slam dunk)

Anyone can be ruler. Even you.

Yep.

What about Carol?

Gone when I woke up.

Maybe she split...

Maybe she got kidnapped!

(You haven't heard from her?)

Nothing.

Now you understand it's vitally
important that we recover this idol.

It's your personal responsibility.

This never would have happened had you
taken my advice in the first place.

Save your speeches.

I feel bad enough.

Don't worry.

How can I not worry?

I've got a secret.

Tell me! Tell me!

I placed a small tracking
device on the idol base.

I've got a GPS signal onto every move.

Excellent Dr Jones.

Where is the idol now?

I don't know.

The tracking unit's broken
BUT I'm working on it.

I'll send a tech over to help out.

(In the meantime, please, keep in touch.)

Ask him to knock next time, okay?

[*phone rings*]

Martin here.

[*phone rings*]

Mr Martin?

Sorry, I was away from my phone.

Yeah.

Let me stop by my house,

I'll change, get my tools,

and I *** over there.

Okay.

You have news for me?

The best.

Excellent.

Finally a man who does not disappoint.

I've got the notebook.

Good Carol. Your training has paid off.

These pages are blank.

We didn't have a chance to
start unscrambling the code.

This is worthless.

What now mistress?

Carol, I want you to go back to Dr Jones.

Tell her you were kidnapped
but managed to escape.

Then I want you to gain her confidence,

and see what you can find out.

Yes mistress.

You've done well, Drago.

You deserve a reward, and I alone
will give it to you.

I am unworthy, but I will take it.

Come with me.

Such a good, good boy.

Take this tight pants off of here.

Damnit.

Close, but not good enough to get me a signal.

Carol!

Dr Jones.

What happened to you?

(After you were knocked on the head,)

two men grabbed me from
the bed and kidnapped me.

Poor thing.

It was terrible. Just terrible.

They thought I knew something,

so they brought me to this
abandoned warehouse,

where they did awful things to me.

But I couldn't tell them anything
cuz I didn't know anything.

You know?

I know.

Did they hurt you?

I'm okay. Just scared I guess.

When they realized I couldn't help them,
they left me there.

I managed to wiggle myself loose,

and rush over here to see if you were okay.

Carol... You're wearing different clothes.

Well... I went home first...

cuz they kidnapped me while
I was naked after all.

Of course.

Oh well, I'm glad you're okay.

What are you doing?

I managed to put a tracking device in
the base of the idol.

Really?

I didn't know that.

Well I did.

But my tracking device is on the blank,

and I can't seem to get it to work.

Can you fix it?

Maybe. I'm working on it.

Is there anything you can't do?

I can't give myself head...

...but I'm working on that too.

Really?

No, that was a joke.

Oh.

[*someone's knocking at the door*]

Do me a favor, go see who that is.

Okay.

Look what I found.

Mark X.

(Let me guess: you're here to help.)

You don't look happy to see me.

I don't have time for your CIA boy toy games.

I've got a lot of work to do here.

That's why I'm here.

Martin thought that I can work
the bugs out of your tracking device.

Knock yourself out.

What seems to be the trouble?

It's not working.

I got that much.

Did you... drop it, or...

Well, yeah.
From about 50 feet up in the air.

That sounds pretty reckless.

Even from you.

Well, when you're hanging by a toenail,

butt-naked from a Portuguese hot-air
balloon over Libya,

your set of priorities tends to change a bit.

I guess so.

Nice view though, huh?

No one complained.

Yeah... Do you mind?

(Go ahead.)

(I've got to take off for about an hour.)

Carol here will keep you company.

Where are you going?

Martin set me up with a certain Dr Xavier...

Seems I'm still a bit foggy up here.

Hopefully I'll have it up and
running by the time you get back.

Good luck.

Now... Let's see if we can fix this baby.

Why these places always have to be freezing.

Then they give you these stupid
gowns with your butt hanging out.

Pff. Honestly...

So you're Dr Jones.

Uh... Doctor of ancient relics and archaeology.

Not a medical doctor.

I'm relieved.

For a moment I thought you
were trying to treat yourself.

I'm Dr Xavier.

Dr X? I like that.

So what seems to be the trouble?

Well this sounds crazy,

but I had this guy at gunpoint,

oh, real numbskull, you know,
IQ hovering around room temperature.

I think I know the type.

Well...

I've got the drop on this goon and I was
I was about to handcuff his ass,

when someone hit me from behind.

And then, when I woke up,

I had a touch of...

Amnesia?

I can't remember.

Hmmm...

Yeah...

Take one of these.

This will help.

This will help me remember?

Not exactly.

But it'll make the exam go by a lot easier.

Okay. I'm down for easy.

Now what?

Give it a moment.

Oh....

(Wooo...)

It really... gives a kick.

Oh...

I feel a mile high right now!

Good.

Cuz we're gonna go on a little trip.

I'm tripping right now, Doctor.

Come on, how about some free love, huh?

1960 style, yeah.

Well... We have a few hours
until the plane leaves...

I guess we can start the exam right now.

Doctor,

I want you to start from top... to bottom.

And don't leave anything out.

Oh. I won't.

(Come on... Damnit...)

Work your little son of a bitch.

Still no luck?

It should be working, but it's not.

Too bad.

Hey wait a minute... I see something.

I might have found the problem.

What is it?

I think I got the bugs out.

[*beep*]

Yeah!

It's working!

Can it locate the idol?

It's searching.

it's gonna take a little while for
the gather of the satellite info,

and provide us a map.

So now what?

Now we get this over to CIA headquarters,

(and then Martin and the boys get on it.)

Stop.

Shouldn't we wait for Dr Jones?

It is her device.

Yeah, maybe, but I hate waiting.

I better call Martin.

[*phone rings*]

Martin here.

It's Mark.

I got the GPS working.

Great news.

Can you locate the idol?

Not clear yet,
but I think it's on its way to Moronica.

Just what we suspected.

As soon as Dr Jones returns,
I'll be on my way.

One more thing:

[*One cannot hear what Martin says*]

Copy that.

I'll handle it.

What'd he say?

He says:

We wait.

Well... Maybe I can help the
time go quicker.

Well I have been under a
little stress lately...

MORONICA

Keep moving Dr Jones,
just a few more miles.

Bastard!

You know you're not gonna
get away with this.

I already have.

Besides, you always wanted to see
the temple of Eros,

now you can. Up-close.

Move it.

Quit jerking my chain!

Dude.

Mr Martin did have a message for you.

I almost forgot to tell you.

What was it about?

Hum...

He said they found the "real" Carol Summers.

Tied up in a warehouse in Hoboken.

***

(You were pretty clever.)

and your ploy to keep me here
worked beautifully.

Dr Jones isn't coming back, is she?

No, she's not.

She's probably halfway around
the world by now.

Well...

Then I'll use this to find her,

and effect a rescue.

What about me?

Oh I'll call Martin. Tell them
where they can pick you up.

It's been real, baby.

You bastard!

Almost there.

Somehow, it looked a lot more
exotic in the brochure.

That's not the ***, Doctor.

That is where we'll meet Mrs Evilla.

Pff.

Not exactly a palace.

Shut up and move.

Tough talk, Mister.
Hope you can back it up.

Wow.

What a dump.

And no homies either.

The monster keeps everyone away.

This place has out of customer in years.

Uh-uh.

Location. Location. Location.

Which is why it is the perfect
place for a rendezvous.

So... Evilla Cruella.

We meet at last.

Dr Jones. You let us on a merry game,

but it's over now.

I admit: you outsmarted me.

You win.

Release her Drago.

She has nowhere to run to.

I think you realize that now.

Thank you.

It's beginning to get ring-around-the-collar.

- Drink?
- Make it a double.

Hmmm...

Dr Jones, you're a worthy opponent...

and this doesn't have to end here.

Do you tell?

When I'm crowned Empress of Moronica,

I'm gonna need a sharp mind
like yours around.

One that knows her way
around ancient treasures,

and can handle herself
in tough situations.

Flattery will get you everything.

But it cames at a price.

We'll have all the money we desire.

The ancient treasures of Aisha
will be ours to plunder.

I'm your girl.

How do I know I can trust you?

All my...

minions...
have proved their loyalty to me.

How about...

I put out like a dime-store diva
à la tequila bender, huh? (***?)

Would that do it?

It's a start.

Drago?

(I'll show you.)

Well?

I think I know where the temple is.

(First, you took a right and then the left,)

and then another right, and the left,

and then you go straight.

So what's left?

No. It's right.

What's right?

No, left. The left is right.

The left is right?

Right.

Can we just go now?

Yeah. Let's go.

[*The monster roars*]

- Jones!
- What?

This way!

Finally.

I knew the left was actually a right,

and the right was right,

and give him the wrong left. (***?)

That's the temple of Eros?

Or a *** fried chicken?

Come on! What are you waiting for?
Let's go!

I must say:

I thought it would be a bit grander.

Look!

(Oh!)

(The Tiara of Aisha!)

The key of the kingdom of Moronica.

Here.

Let's try it out for size.

Well... If you insist...

Not so fast.

Damnit.

I'll take that.

Well it probably looks
better on you anyway.

I don't think so.

Son of a bitch!

I'll take that.

Lucky for us you came along.

Don't be so sure.

(Get your hands up.)

(All of you.)

(Mr Martin,)

You?

Yes, me.

You think I'm an idiot?

(I let you, imbeciles,
do all the heavy lifting.)

Now...

It is my day in the sun.

You mean...?

Yes.

Dr Jones, you hit the nail on the head,

(when you said "anyone",)

even me,

could become Empress of Moronica,

if they had the Tiara of Aisha.

And now you have it.

That's right...

and I am now the Empress of Moronica.

Oh...

Oh I feel so pretty...

So pretty!

Say it!

Yep.

You're pretty alright.

Yeah, very pretty.

No doubt, a real looker.

Damn right I am.

Well...

Good night.

That was seriously fucked up.

Let's get him.

[*Monster roars*]

You can't eat me.
I'm too pretty.

[*gunshots*]

Wow...

Well...

I guess that's it for him.

There goes the Tiara.

He truly was queen for a day.

Hey that thing's got a poop some time.

Are you thinking what I'm thinking?

First one in the poop gets a prize.

Which one follows?

That's an adventure best left
for another day.

Finally, we both agree on something.

I have no intention of becoming
queen of the morons.

That's your job.

I work for the rightful owner of that idol:

Evilla Cruella. The heir to the Empire Moronica.

I will have that idol ***.

But I couldn't tell them anything
cuz I didn't know anything.

You know?

I think I got the bugs out.

That's right.

I saw you on the second floor.

You do good work.

Oh... I feel so pretty.