Big Gay Love (2013) - full transcript
Big Gay Love is a comedy about a chubby gay man who overcomes discrimination based on his looks to find love on his own terms. The devastating effect of our physique-obsessed culture is explored in the comedy Big Gay Love. In the movie, Bob appears to have it all: a great job, fabulous friends, and is about to become a first time home buyer. But his success hasn't come without a price for Bob has become the chubby gay man everyone adores, but nobody desires. When true love does find Bob in the form of a chef named Andy, he doubts if the relationship could be real for his years of living in insecurity has gotten the best of him. To keep up appearances with his friends, Bob considers going under the knife to fit in and be perfect. But underneath it all he longs for something more.
(film reel spinning)
(exploding)
(film reel spinning)
(inspiring melody)
(bells chiming)
(cheerful music)
(phone dialing)
- [Voiceover] Hi, this is
Bob, I'm not available.
Please leave a message.
(answering machine beeping)
- Bob, it's Lana. Again.
How can I have a party without
my bestie/party planner?
You have to help me.
Please give me a call.
(phone dialing)
- [Voiceover] Hi, this is
Bob, I'm not available.
Please leave a message.
(answering machine beeping)
- Hey girl, hey!
It's the Pointer Sisters.
He means Scissor Sisters.
Are we doing this, Kinky, or what?
Where are you?
(cheerful music)
(suspenseful upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] My name is Bob Bartholomew.
Today I am taking a personal day.
I am not taking any phone calls.
Today I am realizing the
dream of buying my first home.
- The house is an
original 1920s craftsman.
With three bedrooms and three baths.
It's 2,000 square feet and with
it's sturdy, rugged features
it requires very little maintenance.
You know, home-ownership is
the perfect test of commitment
for any new couple.
All you have to do is say yes.
- Billy, I'm not part of
a couple, you know that.
I'm buying this house
by myself, party of one,
single, woho!
Do you have a home buyer's
test I can take as a single?
- I'm sorry, Bob.
- [Bob] Didn't think so.
- But, what I meant is that,
by buying a house it shows
how committed you are.
You'll be a great A, prime catch. (laughs)
- Yeah, you're making me sound like
the senior special at the Sizzler.
- I'm sure there's someone
out there for you, Bob.
- Well, you can tell him
to find me at this address.
Times are wasting and I'm
not getting any younger.
- You wanna put down an offer?
- Can I get a little bit
more time to think about it?
(laughing)
(door opening)
- [Dan] Hi, are we disturbing anyone?
- No! Come in!
- Oh, great, wonderful.
Please be quiet.
Hi, I'm Dan.
And this is my partner, Dan,
and we're just wondering
who we should welcome to the neighborhood.
- Well, I'm Billy, I'm
the agent for this house.
And this is Bob, an interested buyer.
- Thanks, guys.
A whole gay suburban
neighborhood, that is spectacular.
- Yeah, it really is one
of the first of it's kind
in the nation.
- We're just ordinary folks, working hard,
doing our jobs, just like
everyone else, huh, sweetheart?
- That's right, that's correct.
So, Bob what is it that you do?
- I'm a party planner. (laughs)
- Oh, you don't say.
That's a very glamorous job.
Isn't it?
- Doesn't that require
you to be up at odd hours
during the night?
- Sometimes.
- Will you be planning any
extravagant parties here?
- I suppose.
- I would love to go to one.
- Okay, you know what,
this isn't the Castro, Bob.
You know, gay life isn't a
big gay parade every day.
- Dan, you are preaching to the choir.
(laughing)
- Will you be buying this
place with someone special?
- No, (laughs) it's just me.
- Murphy Brown, we have a problem.
- [Dan] Oh, yeah.
- Just because I'm single, doesn't mean
I don't want a relationship
like everyone else
and a family, it is not
easy for everyone, you know.
(baby crying)
- Oh wow, you're a lot.
Okay, we're gonna go.
- You made baby cry.
- [Dan] We're gonna go.
It was nice to meet you and uh, anyway.
The value of the neighborhood going down?
- Not in the least, sir.
- Uh, it will if you
keep this up. (laughs)
(baby crying)
- The baby is crying.
I need to have some
friends, I need to go out.
- Seriously.
- Yes.
- Nice to meet you.
(slow piano music)
(sobbing)
(cars driving by)
(smooth jazz playing)
- [Chase] Who made you
feel inadequate this time?
- Who else? The married gays.
- Well, we're a couple
and we're your friends.
- Thank you.
I was in the Mid-Wilshire district
looking at what I thought
was my dream house
and these two uppity gays pranced in
and acted like I was some cheap hooker
crashing their neighborhood.
- Well, cheap hookers
cruising gay neighborhoods
isn't anything new.
It's the gold diggers that
ruin the neighborhood.
- You're not helping.
- Why would you wanna leave
the best parties in downtown
for the suburban sprawl
of desperate housewives
and crying babies?
Bob, loosen up, will ya?
Have some fun!
- This is me having fun.
If I were any more fun,
I'd practically be NSFW.
- NSFW?
What's that?
- I think he means, No String Fuck Wanted.
- Not Safe For Work.
- That too.
- Listen, you've been
throwing parties for everyone
ever since we've known you.
Now it's your time to be
the life of the party.
- Yeah! Let's go find
you some eligible men.
- That sounds like a lot of work.
- Well, hopefully, NSF, work.
(laughing)
(jazz music)
- Hi, I'm Bob.
- Hi, I'm Bob, are you having a good time?
- Yeah, I was.
Is there something wrong
with your shoulders?
- Can't you just be yourself?
- Being myself is the
last thing anybody wants.
Hi, I'm Bob.
- Hi.
I'm Rambo.
- Oh, I see.
I'm Bob.
- Yeah, do you believe in unicorns, Bob?
- I don't believe I've ever met one.
(laughing)
- You'd be so lucky if you did.
But unicorns don't like one-trick ponies.
Don't you think I could see
you're hitting on me, Bob?
- Oh, you're not that special.
Give it a rest, Rainbow.
(laughing)
- It's Rambo.
- I don't really see the difference.
(jazz music)
- Strike three.
- So, you're giving up?
- What am I giving up on?
- Finding your big, gay love.
- Hors d'oeuvres?
- I said that when I was young and dumb,
I never wanna hear those words again.
Thank you.
- It's a fancy party,
you having a good time?
- Not really, I'm
responsible for this party.
- Oh, you put on this party?
- Yes, unfortunately.
- Ah.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
- Didn't you notice he was hitting on you?
- [Chase] He's cute!
- He was?
- Stop pigging out and start
putting yourself out there.
- I do put myself out there,
I put on a couple of inches every day.
- I hope you're talking about your penis?
- I am talking about my stomach.
- Bob, I know how hard
it can be to find someone
who really loves you for you.
So, let me recommend someone I know.
- A plastic surgeon?
I don't think I could date a surgeon,
I'd be too self-conscious.
- It's not for a date.
It's so you can get dates.
- What?
You think I need plastic surgery?
I am appalled.
Do I?
- If I hear you complain
one more time about
how your looks are hindering
you from finding true love,
it won't be too soon.
Do something about it.
- Would you just consider it?
It saved our marriage.
- Plastic surgery saved your marriage?
I thought that was a
job for couples therapy.
- Plastic surgery is like mental therapy
and retail therapy combined.
- Which one of you had something done?
- If you can't tell.
- Why should we?
- OMG, it's Lana!
- Oh my god, she is gorgeous.
(kisses)
- Hi, boys.
(kisses)
Hi, darling.
(kisses)
Are you coming with me?
- Yes, of course.
- Excuse us.
- Aren't you the epitome of composure.
What happen to the girl who called me
frantically earlier today?
- I'm sorry, today is a big day for me.
- It is.
- Well, a lot of things have happened
and I haven't had time
to process any of them.
- You're a star.
- I am.
And now I found the solution.
- You did?
- M-hm.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please allow me to introduce
Ms. Lana DeLongpre,
who is here to sing the standards
from her upcoming album,
- I'm getting married.
I'm getting married.
(applause)
(mic interference)
- [Audience] Woo!
- What do mean you're getting married?
- Yes, Bob.
Are you the only one single?
Bob?
Are you going to introduce my new single?
What is wrong with you?
Sorry about this.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to share the wonderful,
wonderful news of my engagement.
(applause)
So, here he is, my fabulous fiance
Tag Hinterland, everybody.
- Oh, you look beautiful.
- Bob, this is Tag.
- Wonderful to meet you.
- I'm sure you'll make great friends.
So, this first song is
for everyone out there
who thinks that nobody loves them.
I'm here to tell you, somebody does.
I love you all.
♫ Poor butterfly
♫ Neath blossoms waiting
♫ Poor butterfly
♫ For she loved him so
♫ The moments pass ♫
- Do I know you from somewhere?
- I don't think so.
- Liza with a Z, you are gay!
- Excuse me?
- Are you or are you not gay?
- I don't think I need to dignify that.
- I have seen you on the
cover of some gay rack.
- Look, just because I've
been on some gay magazine,
means you start making
accusations about me?
That's the problem with you gays.
Look, I know you need your heroes,
but I'm not running for office.
I'm just a guy who wants
to be in movies, alright?
And what magazine I pose for,
doesn't give you the right
to start owning my image.
- You are such a closet case.
- Look, don't throw your shit at me.
Because you're not getting any.
You look like that washed up politician.
Keep it up.
- Whatever.
Which one?
(gasps)
(jazz music)
- Hey, the night just got a
little bit more interesting,
don't you think?
- Lana's future husband
just called me Barney Frank.
- Who?
(jazz music)
(gate slams)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Voiceover] You sound
frightened, are you okay?
- I'm fine, mom.
I was just looking up an
image when you called.
- Oh, you got those pictures of me
trying my new burlesque
costumes, I see. (laughs)
Oh, now, look.
I know I need to loose a few pounds
but go easy on your mother
when I ask you, how do I look?
- I hate to be the one
to inform you of this,
but the Vietnam war is over.
It doesn't do either of
us any good to pretend
that you're still one of
Bob Hope's USO show girls.
- It's an entirely different show!
I am making my return
with a new exhibition.
What do you think?
- I think it sounds like
cruel and unusual punishment.
- Well, I don't think so.
- For the audience, not you.
- Oh, you really know how to
hurt your mother, don't you?
I don't think I've been this hurt
since you came out as a gay man.
- Oh, and you telling
me that I was an orphan
you found in Vietnam after
the war wasn't hurtful?
- I will let you in on a little secret.
I was a sex slave at the Hanoi Hilton.
- Oh my god, you better be
kidding me, Major Houlihan.
What are you calling me for?
- 'Cause I want you to
help me make my comeback!
I'll take that as a yes.
(phone clicks)
- Mom!
Mom!
Mom!
Don't you wanna hear about my day?
I'm buying a house.
(gate squeaks)
Oh, dammit.
- Hey, hey!
What are you guys doing?
Those appetizers aren't
gonna serve themselves.
Get it, get it, go, go, go!
Are you selling dope to my employees?
- Not currently.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, I'm just,
just really stressed out right now.
I mean, Lana asked me to
cater this thing last minute,
and I'm short-handed and
I should have know better
than to hire these hood rats
from the gay ghetto, you know what I mean?
- I hear drugs are a rampant
problem in that ghetto.
Among other things.
- Oh, yeah. Like what?
- Well, you know, like
Crimes of the Heart,
Altered States, Terms of
Endearment, you name it.
- Are you talking, social
issues or melodramas?
- Melodramas are the
only issues I care about.
(laughing)
I'm Bob.
- Nice to meet you, Bob.
Andrew Darcy, but my
friends calls me Andy.
- Wait, Andrew Darcy,
you're like a big thing
in the culinary world.
- Ah, nah you know, I'm above average
but uh, not huge.
You know, one has a hard
time measuring oneself.
- Does one?
- Yes, one does.
- I would offer to help
but I left my ruler at home
and I am terrible at math.
In fact, my secret shame is that
I can't even tell the difference
between a six inch
submarine and a foot long.
- Well, I have the same problem.
Hey, do you wanna go out for a foot long?
- Are we still talking about sandwiches?
(laughing)
- Hey, listen,
this party is just about
over and I'm over this party,
I have this, I'm just not used to all this
decadence and debauchery.
Do you like Vietnamese sandwiches?
- How did you I was Vietnamese?
- No, no. No, pretty sure
I'm talking about sandwiches.
- I'd love that.
- Great, I know this little
Vietnamese sandwich truck
by downtown and I go there
after work to unwind.
It's the only place I
can hear myself think.
- I know exactly what you mean.
(slow music)
Do you know where you're going?
- Yeah, we're heading
in the right direction.
- Okay.
- Hey, would check in the knapsack
and see if there's a bottle of wine?
- Oh, sure.
Côtes du Rhône, fancy.
- That was a good year for that wine.
- I'm trying to erase all
memories of the past decade.
Oh, there's a truck.
(slow music)
The Gay Man's Guide to
Cooking by Andrew Darcy?
- Bob, nobody is suppose
to read that manuscript
until I proof it.
- Preface, so if the
way to your man's heart
is through his stomach and
your performance in the kitchen
secretly reveal how good you are in bed.
Wow, you're like The Naked Chef
and Carrie Bradshaw's
love child or something.
- Yeah, most people aren't as adventurous
as they like to think they are.
So can I get my manuscript back, please?
So we can go have a date
with the sandwich truck?
Bob, please listen.
- We have a date with a sandwich truck.
You go.
Oh, oh.
I did that, I'm sorry.
- Oh, dammit.
Mr. Tran, no!
Mr. Tran!
Mr. Tran!
Yes, Bob.
It's Tran time, come on!
- Sammy!
Mr. Tran!
Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Mr. Tran! Mr. Tran, Mr. Tran, please.
Please, I've been workin crazy hours,
no this is what's been getting
me through the night, please!
Mr. Tran, please.
No, please.
- One sandwich, coming up.
- Make that two sandwiches, please.
- For you?
You're too handsome.
Eat too much, you're gonna get fat.
- No, it's for me and a friend.
- Girlfriend?
- No, just a friend.
- Or, hey, girlfriend!
- Naughty, naughty, Mr. Tran.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] He's said it.
He said the F-word.
Lord knows I can't have enough friends.
Maybe I don't want him anyway.
Who needs someone so utterly perfect?
And wearing those boots.
Unless you're herding
buffalo in sky country,
that is a total deal breaker
in any relationship, right?
It is in my book.
- Thank you, Mr. Tran.
Got 'em.
(paper unwrapping)
How do you like the sandwich?
- Oh, it's really good.
- I told you, right?
(laughing)
- What made you wanna write a book?
- Oh, it's my crazy manager's idea.
He wants me to be the next Martha Stewart.
- You have a manager.
- I know, it's crazy, right?
(laughing)
Yeah, I mean, all I've really
ever wanted to do was cook.
When I was younger and I
wanted to join the Peace Corps,
when I thought I could make a difference,
my dad gave me these boots
before I left for Panama.
He said I needed sturdier shoes.
- Ah, that explains these boots. (laughs)
- These boots have seen
me from Panama to Paris
for culinary school.
- My, my, Panama to Paris,
look at you Julio Child.
(laughing)
- Julio Child.
Anyway, I was working at this
restaurant in Marseilles,
I hated it.
I just don't like catering
to privileged people.
So, when I made enough money, I quit
and I started trekking
through Southeast Asia.
- Why Southeast Asia?
- I don't know, it's just
easier to get lost there.
- Well, here you are.
Found again with the same
kitschy boots. (laughs)
- They are a lot more meaningful now
that my father passed away.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay, they just remind me
to bring more meaning to my
job when I have days like this.
- I take it you didn't like Lana's party?
- Nah, I don't like catering to the elite.
So why do you do it?
(sighs)
- It's a living.
(laughing)
- So, tell me about you.
- Oh, no.
After hearing about
all of your adventures,
I couldn't compare, I
better keep my mouth shut.
- Alright, well, I'll rephrase it,
how was your day?
(somber piano music)
(sobbing)
Bob?
- No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine, fine, fine.
(somber piano music)
It's just, no one ever asks. (laughs)
(sobbing)
(somber piano music)
(door opening)
You know, you don't have to
walk me all the way to my door.
I'm fine, really.
- I just wanna make sure.
- I heard you use the F-word
at the sandwich truck,
I know you just wanna be friends. (laughs)
- Oh, you.
No, I was talking about
friends with benefits.
But I didn't wanna give Mr.
Tran a heart attack, so.
(laughing)
Can I call you sometime?
- Oh, sure. (laughs)
I mean, sure.
- Great, maybe we can go see a movie.
- Yes!
Do you like old black and white movies?
- Yeah, sure, sure.
Oh, you know what's better than movies?
The museum.
- Yeah! Sure, I'd love that.
- That's great.
Okay.
Okay.
(elevator beeps)
(jumping)
(upbeat guitar music)
- One for eight, two, three.
One and two and three.
And other side.
And one and two and three.
Four, five, six.
And hips, go!
And one, two, double click,
one, two, double click,
and turn and turn.
♫ There are some things in life
that you just cannot foresee
♫ One of them is happiness
and where it's bound to be
♫ It seems like just when
you give up then if finds you
♫ But we don't need to be
there to know that right now
♫ 'Cause you found me
♫ And all this time I spend
with you it becomes clear to me
♫ All those thing I used
to want unnecessarily
♫ Are meaningless unless
they're shared with you ♫
(coughing)
(heavy breathing)
♫ You have me
♫ To be
♫ Who I want
♫ To be
♫ We'll have highs and we'll have lows
♫ They will come and they will go
♫ But I won't be alone ♫
(laughing)
- It's not about you.
(talking drowned out by music)
- Five, six, seven, eight.
(upbeat guitar music)
(whistling)
- How come we never
eat at your restaurant?
- Oh, eating at my
restaurant is such a chore,
I like to keep work at work, you know?
- I think I DVR'd Ellen.
(sighs)
- Bob, we need to talk.
- About what?
- Do you find me attractive?
- What kind of a question is that?
- Go on, you were about to say something.
Something like, it's not you, it's me.
- What are you doing here?
- We had an appointment to talk
about my comeback, remember?
- Oh, right.
Can you come back another time?
- I get it.
You're gay,
and you need some hot and
heavy man on man action.
But you don't have to shove it in my face.
- This is my apartment.
- Hi, I'm Andrew Darcy.
- Well, I'd shake your hand Andrew,
but I see you've got them full.
- Aren't you that pinup
model from the 1970s?
(laughing)
- I just might be.
But we don't have to go into the details.
Or the decade.
- Why didn't you tell me that
your mom is a living legend?
- I try not to tell anyone.
- You do your best to raise
them the best way you know how,
and how do they repay the favor?
Toss me out onto the
street, why don't you?
- Great idea.
- I am making my comeback and I was hoping
that you would help me throw a party.
- I can't.
- Bob, she's your mom.
- You have no idea,
I have been entertaining
her since I was a child.
Besides, I have a lot on my mind.
- Share with me, Bob.
- I'm buying a house.
- When do we move in?
- (laughs) Oh, there is no we.
- Oh, well.
I gotta say, I'm a lot
less worried about you now
that you have man in your life.
I just hope he sticks around long enough
to come to my party.
Here is my guest list.
- Warhol, Halston, Mercury?
This is Studio 54's guest list.
- You don't know what kind
of comeback I want to throw.
- I'm pretty sure none of
these people can come, mom.
- They're too good to come
to my party all of a sudden?
Well, I'll have none of that.
I'll just dis-invite them all.
- They're all dead, mom.
- Okay.
Never mind.
Whatever.
And I never did any drugs, you know.
- Huh.
- I'm sorry.
- What a pistol.
How come you never told me about her?
- I wasn't kidding when I
say I try not to tell anyone.
- Why?
- For starters, she raised
me to believe I was an orphan
she found in Vietnam after the war.
The war was really hard on her.
She has post-traumatic stress disorder.
Half the time I think she
still thinks it's the 70s.
I don't even know who my father is.
Now you know all about
my family dysfunction.
Do you wanna go see the house I'm buying?
- Sure.
Can I ask you a question first?
Is there something you
don't like about me?
- What do you mean?
You're like sex on a stick.
- Sex on a stick.
That sounds very painful but
I'll take it as a compliment.
- (sighs) Why are you attracted to me?
- I can ask you the same question.
Why are you attracted to me?
- I know you can't tell but
I've been going to the gym.
I've lost like three pounds since we met.
- And that's wonderful.
But that's not why I love you.
(piano music)
Okay, there.
I said it first.
- I've spent my entire life
looking for someone like you
and nearly gave up.
And here you are turning
my world upside down.
I hate you, Andrew Darcy.
- Look, I don't want you to be anyone else
but yourself around me.
And hopefully, I can do the same.
(smooth music)
- Your turn.
- I've been thinking about
what this night might be like for months.
(sighs)
If you'd still want me
after you saw all my flaws.
(sighs)
If you don't like what you see,
the door's right behind you.
- I meant what I said, Bob.
(smooth music)
- Tell me again why you love me, Andy.
- Well, I have traveled the world
looking for something as sweet as you.
I've had Mexican wedding cookies
and Danish butter cookies
and Chinese fortune
cookies and snickerdoodles
and peanut butter cookies, but,
at the end of the day all I want
is the simplest cookie of them all,
the chocolate chip cookie.
- I am lying naked in bed with you
and you compare me to a
chocolate chip cookie?
- What's wrong with that?
I could use a chocolate
chip cookie right about now.
- Well, they're round and mushy
and filled with dark speckles.
Oh, don't touch me there.
Don't touch me there either.
Not there either.
Definitely not there!
(laughing)
(piano and violins playing)
(slow cheerful music)
- Hey, this is my house.
- I'm sorry, I'm just waiting for someone.
- You're not my daddy, you're a bear.
- I am not bear, little kid!
(growls)
- Ah!
- Seven.
- Eight.
- I am a bear.
- Nine.
- A bear.
- One more, one more.
- Ohhh!
- Ten.
- Oh!
- Inappropriate, Bob.
- I am a bear.
- Oh, what on earth are you talking about?
- I am a bear.
- Look, okay.
Just because you've been in hibernation,
does not mean that you are--
- No, no, no, I am a bear.
- No, you're not.
You're more like a cub.
- Oh, stop it.
- I'm just kidding.
- What's the matter with you?
Look, I think it's apparent.
Andy called you a bear.
- Did he say something about your looks?
Then what's the matter?
- We had sex.
(gasps)
- Congratulations! It's about time!
- Oh, well, any longer and Andy would have
had to pry you open with a crowbar.
(laughing)
So what's the sad face, Goldilocks?
- Well, he hasn't called me
since and he stood me up.
(gasps)
- Oh.
- What?!
- Well, maybe you just
thought it was a relationship
and he thought it was a one-night stand.
- How could he think it
was a one-night stand?
We have been dating each other for months.
- Maybe.
- Maybe you think I'm not worthy
of being in a relationship.
- Of course not.
- Maybe you think I'm not
worthy of being loved.
- I didn't say that.
- You didn't have to.
- Look, how did he stand you up?
- We were supposed to go
to an open house together.
(gasps)
- Oh, I'm afraid to tell you,
you don't take a guy to an open house
a few months into a relationship.
- Especially right after
he had sex with you.
- I didn't ask him to move in with me.
- You didn't have to say it.
- Look, I think you should just give him
a piece of your mind.
- I gave him a lot more than that.
I gave him my heart.
- That is the last thing you
give a guy while you're dating.
- Really?
What do you give a guy when
you're dating? (laughs)
I don't wanna know.
(laughing)
- Oh, come on.
- Why don't you invite
Andy to our brit shalom?
- Good to meet you too.
What is that?
- Brit shalom?
Like a bris.
Only we're celebrating the joy
of getting our foreskin back.
- Oh my god, you had foreskin
reconstructive surgery?
Which one of you had it?
- We are having a pool party to celebrate.
- Oh, great, a pool party.
Maybe I should see your
plastic surgeon after all.
- Aw.
Oh, come on.
Let's get back to aerobics.
- No, Olivia Newton-John,
you and Richard Simmons
are gonna have to carry on on your own.
(phone ringing)
- [Doctor] You! You have
a clean bill of health.
- How long will the whole process take?
- The recovery time for a liposuction
can be quite extensive.
And it hurts.
A lot.
I hope you have somebody to
pick you up from the hospital
when it's done.
- Can I get quote on the procedure?
(sighs)
My gosh.
That's nearly a down payment on a house.
- That's the price of beauty, darling.
(soothing piano music)
- Hi, I'm here to see Andy.
- Tag.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm eating, it's an eating
establishment, isn't it?
- Look, I'm sorry I called
you out at Lana's party.
- Don't sweat it.
- Thanks.
- It never lasts, does it?
- What are you talking about?
- Bob?
Oh my god, hi!
- What was Tag doing in your restaurant?
- Oh, he and Lana are having
some relationship issues.
She didn't tell you?
- And he chose you to be
the one to console him?
Actually, that's not even why I'm here.
Why did you stand me up at the open house?
It's not like I'm asking
you to move in with me,
you know that, right?
- No, I know.
I just arrived late and
by the time I got there
you had already left.
There was this little boy
shooing me out, talking about
how bears had just invaded
his house or something.
- Really?
You were there?
- Yeah, I don't think he wanted to move.
Moving can be so traumatic
for children, you know?
- (sighs) Well, you could have called me
or texted me or emailed me,
or you know, any of those options.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just in way over
my head with this book
and I'm looking for inspiration.
Look, I just need to get a draft done
by the end of this week.
But let me make it up to you, alright?
Next week I will take you out on a date,
anywhere you wanna go.
- My friends Aiden and
Chase are having a party,
maybe we could go to that?
- Anything but a party.
- Why not?
- It's enough that I cater
them, you know, I just.
- You know, everything we've
done has been just me and you.
It would be really great if
you could meet my friends.
(sighs)
- Okay, I'll go if it's
that important to you.
- Yay! (laughs)
I was starting to worry about us.
I thought maybe that night
had somehow turned you off.
- What?
Bob, no.
- You would tell me though,
if something was wrong,
wouldn't you?
- Bob, I wouldn't hide anything from you.
I just need to finish my book.
- My friend Aiden is an editor,
I could give you his
number, maybe he could help.
- Thanks.
Look, I promise to make a concerted effort
to call you more often.
- Not too much.
We wouldn't want you to come off as needy.
- Oh, no.
I don't wanna come off as needy now, do I?
(cheerful piano music)
- Lord have mercy.
I have more muffin top the Hostess bakery.
And the bakery is officially open.
Oh, who's that sexy
creature in the mirror?
Oh, stop.
Okay, you are getting over the top.
No, keep going.
What are you doing?
One more subconscious comment
and I want you to institutionalize me.
Ah!
- Ah!
- Lana do not sneak up on me
like that, I'm half naked.
- You're fully clothed.
- I feel naked.
- What's the point of being BFF's
if we can't see each other naked?
- Well, one of us might go blind.
- You mean me.
- M-hm.
So, do you think I can pull off this look?
- Sure, why not?
- Because my spare tire is
bigger than the Michelin man's.
- Whatever.
I say you be daring and you
show the world your ass crack.
- You know that crack is whack.
- Crack is cheap.
- Crack is pedestrian.
- [Both] Peace to Whitney.
- But you know what else is whack?
Tag wants to have kids.
- Congratulations?
- I know, right?
He says he's ready.
I mean, he wants me to pop
them out like, right now.
- Do you think that boy is
overcompensating for something?
- I think he's cheating.
- Well, I do think he has a little bit
of the Neil Patrick Harris in him.
- Who is that?
- He's batting for the other team.
- Which team?
- The gay team.
- (laughs) Whatever.
Wait, you're serious?
- No, I'm sure I'm wrong.
Forget it.
What do you think?
Too much?
- No, too little is more like it.
- Well, I'm gonna get it.
- Great.
(upbeat electronic music)
♫ On the floor, euphoria
♫ You gotta have try
♫ On the floor, euphoria
♫ On the floor, euphoria
♫ I'm loving my life ♫
- Bob!
- How are you?
- Glad you made it.
(cheek kissing)
- Just get one.
- Nice seashells.
- Oh, thank you. (laughs)
- You look thirsty.
- Oh, yes.
- So what's your elixir of choice?
- Slim fast?
- Mmm, very funny.
(laughing)
- When did all your
friends become Greek gods?
- No, your boyfriend is the Greek god.
- No wonder you've been
keeping him to yourself.
- Oh, nothing of the kind.
What do you think, I'm
an impulsive hoarder?
- Yes, a compulsive man hoarder.
- Well, you have been
through a drought after all.
- Drought is over.
Here comes the monsoon that
makes all the pretty boys swoon.
- Oh, my.
- My sentiments exactly.
- [Chase] I'm gonna need a
chaser to wash that one down.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hi.
(laughing)
- It's good to see you too.
Wanna come in the pool with me?
- Oh, no, I'm perfectly fine on dry land.
I am a land mammal after all.
- As opposed to a water mammal?
- Yeah, like a whale.
- Go get changed.
- No, you don't want
all these pretty people
to leave your party.
- Who cares what these people think?
Look, I have seen you
naked, for the love of God.
- I don't think the coyotes
in the hills heard you.
- Please.
For me.
- Okay, fine.
- Come with me.
- Let's go get wet.
- I thought you could borrow this one.
- Really? A onesie? (laughs)
What are we, in kindergarten?
- Well, I thought you'd be shy.
- I brought this.
- Well, guess not.
- Well, if Andy doesn't
mind, why should I, right?
- Exactly.
I'll leave you to it.
(upbeat jazz music)
(sighs)
(flipping pages)
- [Voiceover] Food for thought,
when bad sex happens after good meals,
recipes that can spice up your sex life
when it is as flat as a bad soufflé.
- Oh my god.
I'm the bad soufflé.
Oh, hell no.
(techno music)
- Your turn.
- Oh, no, no. I think I
should slow down on the shots.
- We're going to Palm
Springs for vacation,
be with us.
- [Andy] You make it very tempting.
Gonna be a lot of pretty boys there.
- [Aiden] You'll be very popular.
- That's the last thing I need,
I need to finish my
book, but I'll ask Bob.
- Why do you need to ask him?
- Yeah, you're not his bitch.
- He's not my bitch
'cause I'm the dog, right?
- Hey, look who's back!
- Another tequila shot?
- Bob, they didn't mean any harm.
And you look great.
- Thanks, but your book begs to differ.
- What are you talking about?
- Am I the big, fat gay
soufflé that's gone flat?
- Bob, I underlined the stuff
that I wanted you to help me with.
- How? By using me as a guinea pig?
If you want my help, why is
your book on Aiden's nightstand?
- Bob, you're the one
who suggested I help Andy
find the right publisher.
- What a Pandora's box I've opened.
Maybe you should go to Palm
Springs with these two,
find out what good sex is all about.
Obviously, this flat,
crusty soufflé has no idea.
- You're getting, (laughing) hi.
You're getting out of line.
- I'm getting out of line.
You are blatantly seducing my man!
- Hey, don't go there!
- Uh-uh.
- Why not? Who's gonna stop me?
I didn't think so.
- Bob, you're making a scene.
- What do you mean?
You just told me not to care
about what these hoebags think.
Hey, boys!
I may not have your looks and
I may not have your bodies,
but you know what I got?
I got screwed over by my best friends,
welcome to the big, gay world!
- Bob, please.
- No, let me tell you
something, Andrew Darcy,
before I met you I was
feeling very low about myself.
I didn't know if I would ever find anyone
who would love me for me
and for a split second,
I thought I had found my big, gay love.
But I am nothing but some stupid joke
to be served up with
your dumb gay cookbook.
- No! Leave me alone!
- Bob, Bob, please stop!
(water splashing)
- Bob, bob.
(coughing)
- I'm sorry.
- I think you better go.
Now.
- I am fine, really.
- You owe us an apology.
- Can I just say something to Andy?
- No.
Please leave.
- I can't believe after
all I've done for you two
you would try to take my boyfriend.
- Stop saying things you'll regret later.
- Oh, I don't think I will.
(sighs)
(door opens)
(sighs)
(door shuts)
(light switch clicks)
- Oh!
- Mom! You have got to stop
coming over here unannounced!
- Yeah, well what are you
doing in my underwear?
- This is my bikini.
- Is it gay pride month already?
Is that why you're wearing pink again?
- They say when you got it, flaunt it,
and I've got plenty to flaunt.
- Oh, dear, what's happened?
- Nothing.
- Nothings happened, yet you're standing
nearly naked in front of me?
Alright, what's going
on with you and Andy?
- I think it's over, mom.
I went crazy and I stole his boots.
- Oh, what did you do that for?
They're hideous.
- I know.
But I love him, mom.
And when you love someone,
even the ugly things about
them become things of beauty.
- Kinda like the way I feel about you.
- Thank you.
But you don't think I'm beautiful.
- Beautiful doesn't even begin
to describe what you are.
- I'm not sure I like where this is going.
(laughing)
- Oh, you mean the world to me, Bob.
And if Andy can't see
that, then screw him.
You wanna hop back on that pony?
Bring him back his boots!
At my age, you gotta take
it where you can get it.
So, take it while you're young.
(kissing)
Oh, baby.
(slow piano music)
(knocking on door)
(door opening)
- Look, I'm going through a
lot of crazy things right now,
what you did really scared me.
- I'm sorry, never again.
- Promise?
- Cross my fingers and hope to die.
- I think you're suppose
to cross your heart.
- Well, I would but, somebody
has already stolen that.
- Kind of like the rascal
who stole my boots?
- Kind of.
Hey, my mother is having
her art exhibit next week
and she specifically
told me to invite you.
- Yes.
But only because it's your mom.
You I'm still mad at.
- Is that Tag?
- Yeah, that's one of the crazy things
I'm dealing with right now.
- What crazy thing is that?
- Oh, I'll tell you later.
- Please tell me know.
- I'll tell you later, I promise.
- Did you have sex with him too?
- You know, I'm not gonna respond to that.
- I think we should end this.
- Look, you don't know
what's going on, Bob.
And you don't trust me.
- You're the one who totally cast me aside
when you were knee deep in writing.
You have time for Tag but
you don't have time for me?
- I'm trying as hard as I can.
- Why don't you try being honest?
Tell Tag to come out here.
- No, he doesn't want anyone
to know that he's here.
Okay, you're being inappropriate.
- I have never been one to be appropriate.
Try me.
- Oh, well, how's about
I take you on a date
to the sandwich truck,
I'll tell you there.
- No.
I can't spend any more
time thinking about you
because it's driving me crazy.
I don't think I can go on like this.
- I'm sorry you feel that way.
(electronic music)
- Bartender, give me a shot of
the strongest thing you have.
- We have wine or beer.
- What do you mean?
I specifically remember
ordering vodka for this party.
- I'm paying for this
out of pocket, you know.
- Mom, it was a donation
from the liquor company.
- Well, why didn't you tell me sooner?
Oh, mama needs a martini.
- That's why I'm the party planner,
and as your consultant, I should say,
people might take you might
seriously as an artist
if you stop dressing like
a comic book villain.
- Is the cape too much?
- Oh, yes.
- It'll be great on you.
- No. (laughs)
So where are your pictures?
- Right this way.
- Oh, my.
Those are exactly what I think they are.
- It's a tribute to my best asset.
- No kidding.
- Mom, when you said pussy I
really thought you meant cat.
- And you are?
- Tag, not invited.
What are you doing here?
- Time for a costume change!
- Who did you come with?
- I came on my own.
- Oh, that's so hard to believe.
- Look, I know you saw me at
Andy's house the other day.
- Hm.
- Bob, I'm not here to fight with you.
Okay, Lana and I are
ending our relationship.
- What am I supposed to say to that?
That I'm happy for her?
That I'm sad for you?
- You don't have to say anything to me.
Okay, Andy has been helping
me come to terms with myself.
It's him you need to apologize to.
- Wait, so you two never?
- (laughs) No.
- Oh my god, I'm such an idiot.
Top yourself off.
- You're a star.
- Wah!
- Bob!
Bob, what are you doing?
- I'm a horrible person.
- Oh, just you because
you spilled a little wine
on yourself, you don't
have to beat yourself up.
- No, you don't understand.
I finally found someone who
loved me and I ruined it.
I hate myself so much right now.
- Oh, Bob, bob, I love you.
Even though you're
upstaging me at my show.
Oh, oh.
(slow piano music)
- Andy, it's Bob.
I'm sorry for being such an idiot.
Can you call me?
I wanna apologize.
- Bob, are you okay?
I'm sorry.
Bob!
(somber piano music)
(phone ringing)
- Andy?
- This is Dr. Barrenbottom,
I have a slot open for next week.
Some wimp got cold feet
at the last minute.
His loss is the start of
your wonderful new body.
- Can I get back to you?
- [Dr. Barrenbottom] The clock's ticking
and you're not getting any skinnier.
(phone hanging up)
- How many sandwiches?
- Uhm, can you tell me
if you've seen Andy?
- You want a sandwich or not?
- Sure, I'll take a sandwich.
- Everything on it?
- Yes.
But can you please tell
me if you've seen Andy?
- Who are you?
- Bob.
- Oh, you're the one that
made Andy stop coming here,
because he said my sandwiches
reminds him of you.
- He said that?
- You're not good for business, kid.
- Thank you.
- Next.
(thunder rumbling)
(pouring rain)
- Can I join you?
- Tag, what are you doing here?
- You know, I heard the
sandwiches were really good.
Can I sit?
- Sure.
- Well, I guess we're
in the same club now.
- We are not in the same club.
- I mean, we both had our heart broken.
- Tag, look at you and now look at me.
- (laughs) Just because
I'm not you doesn't mean
I can't understand what it
is you're going through.
- The gay status quo that
I have failed to live up to
can really kill a guy, you have no idea.
- I have some idea.
You look at me, you judge
me based on my looks.
Okay, you reduce me to what you see
instead of who I really am.
- You're right.
I have done that.
I'm sorry.
- (sighs) Well, don't guard the flask.
(sighs)
After a while I don't expect
anyone to understand who I am.
They project on me what
they wanna see anyways,
so what's the point of saying anything.
(sighs)
I'm not the bad guy, Bob.
- I'm sorry if I offended you.
Can you call me a taxi?
(laughing)
- Well, I drove here.
I can give you a ride.
- Anything's better than
sitting here in the rain.
- Alright.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, there we go.
You'll be alright, buddy.
(somber piano music)
Alright.
Okay, oh, oh, oh. (laughs)
No more alcohol for you, Bob.
- No one ever told how
hard gay life would be.
- Hey, was Andy your big, gay love?
- Who told you about that?
- (laughs) No one had to tell me.
- No, I mean, who told you the expression?
- That, Lana told me that.
I still don't know what it means.
- Love so big, it becomes infinite.
A love so gay, it contains no sorrow.
Big, gay love.
A love so unconditional,
you could never find it.
- Wow.
So you don't think you'll
ever find your big, gay love?
Does it scare you?
You know what scares me?
Loneliness.
- (laughs) I'm surrounded
by people all the time,
so when I'm by myself the
silence really scares me.
- Silence is beautiful.
Without the silence you can't
learn to filter out the noise.
- What if the person you
thought you cared about most,
isn't the right one?
- Let's be sad for a little bit.
Close your eyes.
Listen to your own breath.
(breathes slowly)
Tag, no.
- Bob.
Hi.
I think you're beautiful.
(kissing)
(panting)
(somber jazz music)
- Any updates on Andy, Mr. Tran?
- Do I look like a psychic hotline?
- Please, just tell me.
- No, sorry.
Sandwich?
(somber jazz music)
- Thank you.
(train rolling by)
Oh, Mr. Tran, can we
wait a little bit longer?
Please?
(somber jazz music)
Mr. Tran, can we wait a little bit longer?
- You are not the boss of me.
Being here isn't gonna change anything.
What's the point when he
doesn't even know you're here?
- Pretty please?
- You are hopeless, aren't you?
- Haven't you ever been in love, Mr. Tran.
- No.
Okay, maybe once.
You want me to stay open?
Go scrub my grill.
Okay, I'm closing.
- Okay, okay. I'm coming.
- Apron's on the door.
The gloves are in the back.
(knocking on window)
- Andy!
- What are you doing?
- I got a new job.
- Andy, wait.
- I don't wanna see you ever again.
- Please don't go, we had a date
to meet at the sandwich truck, remember?
- Isn't it ironic that you're
the one who cheated on me?
- Who told you that?
Tag?
- Lana.
Tag told her everything.
That you got him drunk
and then you seduced him.
- That is not what happened at all.
- But it did happen, right?
You've never been so ugly to me.
- I never believed I
deserved someone like you.
Growing up gay no one
tells you how to love.
- Bob, I loved you because I
thought you were different.
I didn't have to put
my guard up around you.
I didn't have to suck in
my belly when I felt fat.
I didn't have to pretend that,
I don't know, that i was somebody else.
But I was wrong.
- No, you are not wrong.
- I'm done.
I'm dropping the book
and I'm dropping you.
- Please, even if you
never talk to me again,
you have to finish your book.
- You know what, I just need a break.
- I think I might go to Palm
Springs with Aiden and Chase.
- That's a terrible idea.
- And I know what you're thinking,
you know what, I don't care.
(sad piano music)
- Just don't stand here, Bob,
go get your big, gay love!
(sad piano music)
(car drives off)
- [Voiceover] You've
reached Billy Gene's realty,
where finding your dream
home is my mission.
Leave a message.
(voice mail tone beeps)
- This is Bob.
I don't think I want the house.
It's beautiful, it's perfect in every way,
but I've had a lot of unexpected
changes come up in my life.
- [Billy] Hello? Bob?
May I ask why?
- It's not the right time.
- [Billy] Why don't you sleep on it
and get back to me in the morning.
- I have an appointment in the
morning that I have to keep.
- [Billy] It sounds serious, are you okay?
- [Bob] I suppose I will be
when the procedure is done.
- [Billy] Are you sure about that, Bob?
Hello? Bob?
Bob!
- [Voiceover] Bob.
- Bob! I'm so glad you could
find time in your schedule
for us today.
It looks like it's gonna be a two-man job.
So I brought my right-hand man. (laughs)
He's a lefty.
- Bob, how are you?
Are you nervous?
- Little.
- A little bit, okay.
We're just gonna make this
really comfortable for you.
Let's bring this down, cover
up your john-johns there.
And we're gonna take our
time marking you, okay?
(eerie music)
(silicone flopping)
(heavy breathing)
(door opening)
- Andy?
- What's the matter?
It looks like you seen a ghost.
(eerie music)
- I'm so happy to see you.
- Why are you so emotional?
Eat your breakfast.
I'm gonna get dressed
and get ready for work.
(footsteps walking away)
(eerie music)
(heart monitor beeping)
(door opening)
- Bob?
Are you alright?
Do you feel the anesthesia kicking in?
- Yes.
Can you ask the doctor to come in, please?
- Just a moment.
(heart monitor beeping)
(door opening)
- Hello, Bob.
- Aiden?
- No, sir, this is Dr. Barrenbottom.
I think it's the drug talking.
- How much anesthesia
did you give him, nurse?
I know you're nervous, but
everything will be fine.
- Oh my god, what have I done?
- Oh, Bob.
Don't worry.
Do you want some drugs
to ease your tension?
- No, I don't want any more drugs.
I wanna get out of here.
I want Andy.
(laughing)
- We can't release you while
you're under anesthesia.
- Let go of me.
I want a second opinion.
- Very well.
Can you bring my partner in here?
(heart monitor beeping fast)
- Hello, Bob.
- Ahhh!
- Bob, calm down.
- No! No!
No!
- Why are you here, then?
You wanna be perfect, don't you?
- I don't wanna be perfect.
I just want a second chance at life.
- Good, that's what we're here for.
Let's commence.
(eerie music)
- Please, don't let me go, Andy.
(heart monitor beeping)
(eerie music)
(footsteps)
(kissing)
(footsteps)
(eerie music)
(birds chirping)
(door creaking)
(truck engine approaches)
(intense music)
(slow somber music)
- Andy?
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Shh.
Let's get you out of here.
Come on.
(slow somber music)
Easy, easy.
Okay.
(door opening)
(playful music)
- Stop thinking about taking
my boyfriend, you pricks!
- Bob, what the hell are you doing?
- Having a little fun with Aiden.
- That's not Aiden.
- Who is it?
- That's your doctor.
- Oh.
(playful music)
- Going down.
- Hi.
Hey.
Lana, hi.
- [Lana] He is high.
(playful music)
(car starting)
- How did you know to save me?
- What do you mean save you?
- I think he's still under the influence.
- Your doctor called and said
that you were pretty hysterical.
- Me? Hysterical?
Why would he say that?
I'm really sorry I hurt you, Lana.
- [Lana] It's okay.
I'm not that hurt anyway.
- [Bob] Really?
- [Lana] Yeah.
- [Bob] Well, if it means anything,
I never wanted a thing to do with him.
- Look, you're my best
friend and I love you.
But you have to promise
me that from now on,
you'll take better care of yourself.
You know you have to learn
how to love yourself.
- No one can replace you, or Andy.
- Oh, but Aiden and Chase can replace me.
Guess who's going to Palm Springs now?
- No.
(sighs)
- Mm.
Harder.
- Yeah.
- Harder.
(doorbell rings)
(sighs)
That must be Tag.
(laughing)
What are you doing?
- Well, is my hair in place?
- You wanna really surprise him?
(gasps)
What about you?
- Hm.
- Ready?
(door opens)
- Hello, lovers.
- [Both] Ah! (gasps)
- Oh, why so shy, boys?
- Uh, Mrs. Bartholomew,
are you doing here?
- Why, I'm here to return the
favor that you've done to Bob.
I'm also here for the menage a trois.
- I'm sorry, we really must be going.
- Oh, what's the hurry, boys?
I brought party favors.
- Oh.
- I hope you have big appetites.
Because mama's hungry.
- [Both] Ahh!
(car doors opening)
- I'm gonna get you some shoes.
Here.
- Oh, no. Not those.
Those have gotten me into so much trouble.
- I want you to have these.
- They mean the world to you.
- These boots have seen me
through a lot of tough times
in my life and now they tell
me they wanna be with you.
- I can't.
- Bob, if you don't take them, I will.
- Just promise me you'll
take care of them.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Now, this doesn't mean
that we're back together.
- Thank you for today.
- Of course.
- Do you wanna come in, or?
- No, I'm really busy,
I've got a lot of work.
I found a publisher for my book.
- Really?
Congratulations!
- Thank you.
Take care of yourself.
(slow piano music)
(knocking on door)
(door opening)
Hey.
- Andy!
What are you doing here?
- Well, you said you
wanted to read my book,
so I thought I would deliver it.
- Special delivery.
Like a stripper at a bachelorette party.
- Uhm, okay, sure.
Look, read the chapter
with the Bob post-it in it.
- Haven't we been down that road before?
- Read it before your cereal gets cold.
- Chapter 12.
The worst days are the best.
I remember the first time
i failed my culinary test,
it felt like my first heartbreak,
not only did it break my
heart, it broke my spirit.
The soufflé that never quite rose up
to more than a flat custard.
The funny thing is I remember
that day more vividly
than any other in my life.
I can still taste it.
Like a first kiss.
It lives with me forever.
Though he may not be the
best, I can never let him go.
- I have a book signing next week.
- I know, I read about it on the Internet.
- And I'm really nervous
and was wondering if maybe you can come?
- Of course!
- Great.
- [Voiceover] Technique is important.
You must know how to whip, how to fold.
But most of all you must
know how to be patient.
What do you do on the days
when your best is not enough?
You've gotta pick yourself
up and do it all over again.
And be grateful to know that
you're allowed a second chance.
Because sometimes there
are no second chances.
I have witnessed friends lives
become irrevocably changed,
some endure abuse, some put
themselves in physical harm.
Some try to take their own
lives and some have passed on.
On days when you feel
your best isn't enough,
you've gotta ask yourself,
do I wanna throw it all away?
Or you can ask, am I gonna do
the best with what I've got?
Because in the end, do you
choose to live your life
because you've got something to prove?
Or do you choose it because
it's what's in your heart?
Thank you.
(applause)
Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Bryan.
- Hey, Bryan, thanks for coming.
- Oh, yeah, no, I would, anytime.
I love your book.
It's great.
- Thank you.
- Could I?
- Oh, yeah.
- Were you inspired by
anyone special in your life?
What was she, a big girl like me?
(laughing)
- Excuse me?
- I'll just be a second.
You know, I swear when I read it,
I thought you were
writing the book about me.
Like it was about, that's
crazy, that's crazy, right?
A little crazy. (laughs)
But actually I've always dreamed about
being a superstar chef, like
you, since I was little.
Since I was like, well I wasn't
little, but like you know.
But uh, when my parents
found out I was gay
they took away my kitchen supplies.
In fact they stopped
letting me into the kitchen
all together, which is weird
'cause that's when I put
on the weight, anyways.
Uhm, so that's when I realized
that my hopes and dreams
of ever becoming anything
like you had gone down the drain.
You know, before I came here today I,
I thought about taking my own life.
But then I found your book and,
I changed my mind.
So thank you.
- You know, I'm gonna
give you my phone number
and if you wanna talk just please call me.
- Really?
- I think I can do better than that.
Hi, I'm Bob.
I see a lot of myself in you.
I'm the one you've been waiting for.
(laughing)
- What am I waiting for?
A portly gay man with a competitive crush
on my Andrew Darcy? (laughs)
He just gave me his number.
- And I can share with
you my years of experience
as a very successful party planner.
I might need an assistant.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Let's see.
You want to learn how
to impress all the gays
and have your own pantry section
at Williams-Sonoma, right?
Here, take my number, call me sometime.
- How are you doing?
- I'm keeping the gun.
- I'm still hurting.
- Let me get this one, okay?
- [Bob] Okay.
- What he's trying to say is that,
anything you've ever wanted
to be is inside of you.
And all you need is a little
love to make that passion grow.
- That's beautiful.
Wow.
Like a little gay love.
- No, like a big, gay love.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, if someone like
you can land a guy like,
huh, Mr. Man here, then
there's definitely hope for me.
It's so crazy.
Thank you, thank you so much for.
Ah, we're like, ah we might
as well kiss. (laughs)
So crazy.
Ah, you smell like lemon grass. (laughs)
It's so close to my face. (laughs)
You know what the world needs?
We really need chocolate
stuffed chicken and turkey.
- [Voiceover] In the gay
universe a million stars
are waiting to be born.
On their way there, they just
need a little encouragement.
- You know what the world needs?
We need some creme brulee BBQ sauce.
No, wait, wait, wait, no.
No, what am I talking about?
Marshmallow sriracha sauce,
you could put it on anything.
You could put it on eggs, sausage.
- [Voiceover] All you
need to do is lend an ear.
- You know what I'm
gonna call my business?
I'm gonna name it.
- [Voiceover] Or a smile.
- So, are you gonna call me sometime?
- Uh, yeah.
I mean, I'm gonna call you
like, hey, every five minutes.
No, I'm just kidding, I'm not gonna.
But I'm gonna go home and blog about this.
My friends are gonna freak out.
I mean in social, yeah of course you are,
I mean, you're great.
Thank you so much, once again!
- Ah, big hug.
- It was nice meeting you too.
Thank you!
I hug so tight.
See you later.
- Yeah, that's awesome.
I'm standing right in front of him
and he's gonna run home
and look at me online.
Go figure.
- [Voiceover] And that is
how our universe grows.
This is the best dinner date ever.
- Well, you said you always
wanted to eat at my restaurant,
so here you go.
- Even if we're still not back together?
- Let's see how the night goes.
Oh, wait, I've got something for you.
(somber music)
- Wait, what is Mr. Tran gonna do
if he finds out you're
selling his sandwiches?
- Oh, I told him I was gonna
share half the proceeds
of the sandwiches with him, so.
- And he approved?
- He packed a bag and went on vacation.
(laughing)
Are you gonna try it?
So, how was your day?
(somber happy music)
(somber cheerful piano music)
(jazz music)
(exploding)
(film reel spinning)
(inspiring melody)
(bells chiming)
(cheerful music)
(phone dialing)
- [Voiceover] Hi, this is
Bob, I'm not available.
Please leave a message.
(answering machine beeping)
- Bob, it's Lana. Again.
How can I have a party without
my bestie/party planner?
You have to help me.
Please give me a call.
(phone dialing)
- [Voiceover] Hi, this is
Bob, I'm not available.
Please leave a message.
(answering machine beeping)
- Hey girl, hey!
It's the Pointer Sisters.
He means Scissor Sisters.
Are we doing this, Kinky, or what?
Where are you?
(cheerful music)
(suspenseful upbeat music)
- [Voiceover] My name is Bob Bartholomew.
Today I am taking a personal day.
I am not taking any phone calls.
Today I am realizing the
dream of buying my first home.
- The house is an
original 1920s craftsman.
With three bedrooms and three baths.
It's 2,000 square feet and with
it's sturdy, rugged features
it requires very little maintenance.
You know, home-ownership is
the perfect test of commitment
for any new couple.
All you have to do is say yes.
- Billy, I'm not part of
a couple, you know that.
I'm buying this house
by myself, party of one,
single, woho!
Do you have a home buyer's
test I can take as a single?
- I'm sorry, Bob.
- [Bob] Didn't think so.
- But, what I meant is that,
by buying a house it shows
how committed you are.
You'll be a great A, prime catch. (laughs)
- Yeah, you're making me sound like
the senior special at the Sizzler.
- I'm sure there's someone
out there for you, Bob.
- Well, you can tell him
to find me at this address.
Times are wasting and I'm
not getting any younger.
- You wanna put down an offer?
- Can I get a little bit
more time to think about it?
(laughing)
(door opening)
- [Dan] Hi, are we disturbing anyone?
- No! Come in!
- Oh, great, wonderful.
Please be quiet.
Hi, I'm Dan.
And this is my partner, Dan,
and we're just wondering
who we should welcome to the neighborhood.
- Well, I'm Billy, I'm
the agent for this house.
And this is Bob, an interested buyer.
- Thanks, guys.
A whole gay suburban
neighborhood, that is spectacular.
- Yeah, it really is one
of the first of it's kind
in the nation.
- We're just ordinary folks, working hard,
doing our jobs, just like
everyone else, huh, sweetheart?
- That's right, that's correct.
So, Bob what is it that you do?
- I'm a party planner. (laughs)
- Oh, you don't say.
That's a very glamorous job.
Isn't it?
- Doesn't that require
you to be up at odd hours
during the night?
- Sometimes.
- Will you be planning any
extravagant parties here?
- I suppose.
- I would love to go to one.
- Okay, you know what,
this isn't the Castro, Bob.
You know, gay life isn't a
big gay parade every day.
- Dan, you are preaching to the choir.
(laughing)
- Will you be buying this
place with someone special?
- No, (laughs) it's just me.
- Murphy Brown, we have a problem.
- [Dan] Oh, yeah.
- Just because I'm single, doesn't mean
I don't want a relationship
like everyone else
and a family, it is not
easy for everyone, you know.
(baby crying)
- Oh wow, you're a lot.
Okay, we're gonna go.
- You made baby cry.
- [Dan] We're gonna go.
It was nice to meet you and uh, anyway.
The value of the neighborhood going down?
- Not in the least, sir.
- Uh, it will if you
keep this up. (laughs)
(baby crying)
- The baby is crying.
I need to have some
friends, I need to go out.
- Seriously.
- Yes.
- Nice to meet you.
(slow piano music)
(sobbing)
(cars driving by)
(smooth jazz playing)
- [Chase] Who made you
feel inadequate this time?
- Who else? The married gays.
- Well, we're a couple
and we're your friends.
- Thank you.
I was in the Mid-Wilshire district
looking at what I thought
was my dream house
and these two uppity gays pranced in
and acted like I was some cheap hooker
crashing their neighborhood.
- Well, cheap hookers
cruising gay neighborhoods
isn't anything new.
It's the gold diggers that
ruin the neighborhood.
- You're not helping.
- Why would you wanna leave
the best parties in downtown
for the suburban sprawl
of desperate housewives
and crying babies?
Bob, loosen up, will ya?
Have some fun!
- This is me having fun.
If I were any more fun,
I'd practically be NSFW.
- NSFW?
What's that?
- I think he means, No String Fuck Wanted.
- Not Safe For Work.
- That too.
- Listen, you've been
throwing parties for everyone
ever since we've known you.
Now it's your time to be
the life of the party.
- Yeah! Let's go find
you some eligible men.
- That sounds like a lot of work.
- Well, hopefully, NSF, work.
(laughing)
(jazz music)
- Hi, I'm Bob.
- Hi, I'm Bob, are you having a good time?
- Yeah, I was.
Is there something wrong
with your shoulders?
- Can't you just be yourself?
- Being myself is the
last thing anybody wants.
Hi, I'm Bob.
- Hi.
I'm Rambo.
- Oh, I see.
I'm Bob.
- Yeah, do you believe in unicorns, Bob?
- I don't believe I've ever met one.
(laughing)
- You'd be so lucky if you did.
But unicorns don't like one-trick ponies.
Don't you think I could see
you're hitting on me, Bob?
- Oh, you're not that special.
Give it a rest, Rainbow.
(laughing)
- It's Rambo.
- I don't really see the difference.
(jazz music)
- Strike three.
- So, you're giving up?
- What am I giving up on?
- Finding your big, gay love.
- Hors d'oeuvres?
- I said that when I was young and dumb,
I never wanna hear those words again.
Thank you.
- It's a fancy party,
you having a good time?
- Not really, I'm
responsible for this party.
- Oh, you put on this party?
- Yes, unfortunately.
- Ah.
- Thank you.
- My pleasure.
- Didn't you notice he was hitting on you?
- [Chase] He's cute!
- He was?
- Stop pigging out and start
putting yourself out there.
- I do put myself out there,
I put on a couple of inches every day.
- I hope you're talking about your penis?
- I am talking about my stomach.
- Bob, I know how hard
it can be to find someone
who really loves you for you.
So, let me recommend someone I know.
- A plastic surgeon?
I don't think I could date a surgeon,
I'd be too self-conscious.
- It's not for a date.
It's so you can get dates.
- What?
You think I need plastic surgery?
I am appalled.
Do I?
- If I hear you complain
one more time about
how your looks are hindering
you from finding true love,
it won't be too soon.
Do something about it.
- Would you just consider it?
It saved our marriage.
- Plastic surgery saved your marriage?
I thought that was a
job for couples therapy.
- Plastic surgery is like mental therapy
and retail therapy combined.
- Which one of you had something done?
- If you can't tell.
- Why should we?
- OMG, it's Lana!
- Oh my god, she is gorgeous.
(kisses)
- Hi, boys.
(kisses)
Hi, darling.
(kisses)
Are you coming with me?
- Yes, of course.
- Excuse us.
- Aren't you the epitome of composure.
What happen to the girl who called me
frantically earlier today?
- I'm sorry, today is a big day for me.
- It is.
- Well, a lot of things have happened
and I haven't had time
to process any of them.
- You're a star.
- I am.
And now I found the solution.
- You did?
- M-hm.
- Ladies and gentlemen,
please allow me to introduce
Ms. Lana DeLongpre,
who is here to sing the standards
from her upcoming album,
- I'm getting married.
I'm getting married.
(applause)
(mic interference)
- [Audience] Woo!
- What do mean you're getting married?
- Yes, Bob.
Are you the only one single?
Bob?
Are you going to introduce my new single?
What is wrong with you?
Sorry about this.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
I would like to share the wonderful,
wonderful news of my engagement.
(applause)
So, here he is, my fabulous fiance
Tag Hinterland, everybody.
- Oh, you look beautiful.
- Bob, this is Tag.
- Wonderful to meet you.
- I'm sure you'll make great friends.
So, this first song is
for everyone out there
who thinks that nobody loves them.
I'm here to tell you, somebody does.
I love you all.
♫ Poor butterfly
♫ Neath blossoms waiting
♫ Poor butterfly
♫ For she loved him so
♫ The moments pass ♫
- Do I know you from somewhere?
- I don't think so.
- Liza with a Z, you are gay!
- Excuse me?
- Are you or are you not gay?
- I don't think I need to dignify that.
- I have seen you on the
cover of some gay rack.
- Look, just because I've
been on some gay magazine,
means you start making
accusations about me?
That's the problem with you gays.
Look, I know you need your heroes,
but I'm not running for office.
I'm just a guy who wants
to be in movies, alright?
And what magazine I pose for,
doesn't give you the right
to start owning my image.
- You are such a closet case.
- Look, don't throw your shit at me.
Because you're not getting any.
You look like that washed up politician.
Keep it up.
- Whatever.
Which one?
(gasps)
(jazz music)
- Hey, the night just got a
little bit more interesting,
don't you think?
- Lana's future husband
just called me Barney Frank.
- Who?
(jazz music)
(gate slams)
(phone ringing)
- Hello?
- [Voiceover] You sound
frightened, are you okay?
- I'm fine, mom.
I was just looking up an
image when you called.
- Oh, you got those pictures of me
trying my new burlesque
costumes, I see. (laughs)
Oh, now, look.
I know I need to loose a few pounds
but go easy on your mother
when I ask you, how do I look?
- I hate to be the one
to inform you of this,
but the Vietnam war is over.
It doesn't do either of
us any good to pretend
that you're still one of
Bob Hope's USO show girls.
- It's an entirely different show!
I am making my return
with a new exhibition.
What do you think?
- I think it sounds like
cruel and unusual punishment.
- Well, I don't think so.
- For the audience, not you.
- Oh, you really know how to
hurt your mother, don't you?
I don't think I've been this hurt
since you came out as a gay man.
- Oh, and you telling
me that I was an orphan
you found in Vietnam after
the war wasn't hurtful?
- I will let you in on a little secret.
I was a sex slave at the Hanoi Hilton.
- Oh my god, you better be
kidding me, Major Houlihan.
What are you calling me for?
- 'Cause I want you to
help me make my comeback!
I'll take that as a yes.
(phone clicks)
- Mom!
Mom!
Mom!
Don't you wanna hear about my day?
I'm buying a house.
(gate squeaks)
Oh, dammit.
- Hey, hey!
What are you guys doing?
Those appetizers aren't
gonna serve themselves.
Get it, get it, go, go, go!
Are you selling dope to my employees?
- Not currently.
- Oh.
I'm sorry, I'm just,
just really stressed out right now.
I mean, Lana asked me to
cater this thing last minute,
and I'm short-handed and
I should have know better
than to hire these hood rats
from the gay ghetto, you know what I mean?
- I hear drugs are a rampant
problem in that ghetto.
Among other things.
- Oh, yeah. Like what?
- Well, you know, like
Crimes of the Heart,
Altered States, Terms of
Endearment, you name it.
- Are you talking, social
issues or melodramas?
- Melodramas are the
only issues I care about.
(laughing)
I'm Bob.
- Nice to meet you, Bob.
Andrew Darcy, but my
friends calls me Andy.
- Wait, Andrew Darcy,
you're like a big thing
in the culinary world.
- Ah, nah you know, I'm above average
but uh, not huge.
You know, one has a hard
time measuring oneself.
- Does one?
- Yes, one does.
- I would offer to help
but I left my ruler at home
and I am terrible at math.
In fact, my secret shame is that
I can't even tell the difference
between a six inch
submarine and a foot long.
- Well, I have the same problem.
Hey, do you wanna go out for a foot long?
- Are we still talking about sandwiches?
(laughing)
- Hey, listen,
this party is just about
over and I'm over this party,
I have this, I'm just not used to all this
decadence and debauchery.
Do you like Vietnamese sandwiches?
- How did you I was Vietnamese?
- No, no. No, pretty sure
I'm talking about sandwiches.
- I'd love that.
- Great, I know this little
Vietnamese sandwich truck
by downtown and I go there
after work to unwind.
It's the only place I
can hear myself think.
- I know exactly what you mean.
(slow music)
Do you know where you're going?
- Yeah, we're heading
in the right direction.
- Okay.
- Hey, would check in the knapsack
and see if there's a bottle of wine?
- Oh, sure.
Côtes du Rhône, fancy.
- That was a good year for that wine.
- I'm trying to erase all
memories of the past decade.
Oh, there's a truck.
(slow music)
The Gay Man's Guide to
Cooking by Andrew Darcy?
- Bob, nobody is suppose
to read that manuscript
until I proof it.
- Preface, so if the
way to your man's heart
is through his stomach and
your performance in the kitchen
secretly reveal how good you are in bed.
Wow, you're like The Naked Chef
and Carrie Bradshaw's
love child or something.
- Yeah, most people aren't as adventurous
as they like to think they are.
So can I get my manuscript back, please?
So we can go have a date
with the sandwich truck?
Bob, please listen.
- We have a date with a sandwich truck.
You go.
Oh, oh.
I did that, I'm sorry.
- Oh, dammit.
Mr. Tran, no!
Mr. Tran!
Mr. Tran!
Yes, Bob.
It's Tran time, come on!
- Sammy!
Mr. Tran!
Oh, Jesus.
- Oh, no, no, no.
Mr. Tran! Mr. Tran, Mr. Tran, please.
Please, I've been workin crazy hours,
no this is what's been getting
me through the night, please!
Mr. Tran, please.
No, please.
- One sandwich, coming up.
- Make that two sandwiches, please.
- For you?
You're too handsome.
Eat too much, you're gonna get fat.
- No, it's for me and a friend.
- Girlfriend?
- No, just a friend.
- Or, hey, girlfriend!
- Naughty, naughty, Mr. Tran.
(laughing)
- [Voiceover] He's said it.
He said the F-word.
Lord knows I can't have enough friends.
Maybe I don't want him anyway.
Who needs someone so utterly perfect?
And wearing those boots.
Unless you're herding
buffalo in sky country,
that is a total deal breaker
in any relationship, right?
It is in my book.
- Thank you, Mr. Tran.
Got 'em.
(paper unwrapping)
How do you like the sandwich?
- Oh, it's really good.
- I told you, right?
(laughing)
- What made you wanna write a book?
- Oh, it's my crazy manager's idea.
He wants me to be the next Martha Stewart.
- You have a manager.
- I know, it's crazy, right?
(laughing)
Yeah, I mean, all I've really
ever wanted to do was cook.
When I was younger and I
wanted to join the Peace Corps,
when I thought I could make a difference,
my dad gave me these boots
before I left for Panama.
He said I needed sturdier shoes.
- Ah, that explains these boots. (laughs)
- These boots have seen
me from Panama to Paris
for culinary school.
- My, my, Panama to Paris,
look at you Julio Child.
(laughing)
- Julio Child.
Anyway, I was working at this
restaurant in Marseilles,
I hated it.
I just don't like catering
to privileged people.
So, when I made enough money, I quit
and I started trekking
through Southeast Asia.
- Why Southeast Asia?
- I don't know, it's just
easier to get lost there.
- Well, here you are.
Found again with the same
kitschy boots. (laughs)
- They are a lot more meaningful now
that my father passed away.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
- It's okay, they just remind me
to bring more meaning to my
job when I have days like this.
- I take it you didn't like Lana's party?
- Nah, I don't like catering to the elite.
So why do you do it?
(sighs)
- It's a living.
(laughing)
- So, tell me about you.
- Oh, no.
After hearing about
all of your adventures,
I couldn't compare, I
better keep my mouth shut.
- Alright, well, I'll rephrase it,
how was your day?
(somber piano music)
(sobbing)
Bob?
- No, no, I'm fine. I'm fine, fine, fine.
(somber piano music)
It's just, no one ever asks. (laughs)
(sobbing)
(somber piano music)
(door opening)
You know, you don't have to
walk me all the way to my door.
I'm fine, really.
- I just wanna make sure.
- I heard you use the F-word
at the sandwich truck,
I know you just wanna be friends. (laughs)
- Oh, you.
No, I was talking about
friends with benefits.
But I didn't wanna give Mr.
Tran a heart attack, so.
(laughing)
Can I call you sometime?
- Oh, sure. (laughs)
I mean, sure.
- Great, maybe we can go see a movie.
- Yes!
Do you like old black and white movies?
- Yeah, sure, sure.
Oh, you know what's better than movies?
The museum.
- Yeah! Sure, I'd love that.
- That's great.
Okay.
Okay.
(elevator beeps)
(jumping)
(upbeat guitar music)
- One for eight, two, three.
One and two and three.
And other side.
And one and two and three.
Four, five, six.
And hips, go!
And one, two, double click,
one, two, double click,
and turn and turn.
♫ There are some things in life
that you just cannot foresee
♫ One of them is happiness
and where it's bound to be
♫ It seems like just when
you give up then if finds you
♫ But we don't need to be
there to know that right now
♫ 'Cause you found me
♫ And all this time I spend
with you it becomes clear to me
♫ All those thing I used
to want unnecessarily
♫ Are meaningless unless
they're shared with you ♫
(coughing)
(heavy breathing)
♫ You have me
♫ To be
♫ Who I want
♫ To be
♫ We'll have highs and we'll have lows
♫ They will come and they will go
♫ But I won't be alone ♫
(laughing)
- It's not about you.
(talking drowned out by music)
- Five, six, seven, eight.
(upbeat guitar music)
(whistling)
- How come we never
eat at your restaurant?
- Oh, eating at my
restaurant is such a chore,
I like to keep work at work, you know?
- I think I DVR'd Ellen.
(sighs)
- Bob, we need to talk.
- About what?
- Do you find me attractive?
- What kind of a question is that?
- Go on, you were about to say something.
Something like, it's not you, it's me.
- What are you doing here?
- We had an appointment to talk
about my comeback, remember?
- Oh, right.
Can you come back another time?
- I get it.
You're gay,
and you need some hot and
heavy man on man action.
But you don't have to shove it in my face.
- This is my apartment.
- Hi, I'm Andrew Darcy.
- Well, I'd shake your hand Andrew,
but I see you've got them full.
- Aren't you that pinup
model from the 1970s?
(laughing)
- I just might be.
But we don't have to go into the details.
Or the decade.
- Why didn't you tell me that
your mom is a living legend?
- I try not to tell anyone.
- You do your best to raise
them the best way you know how,
and how do they repay the favor?
Toss me out onto the
street, why don't you?
- Great idea.
- I am making my comeback and I was hoping
that you would help me throw a party.
- I can't.
- Bob, she's your mom.
- You have no idea,
I have been entertaining
her since I was a child.
Besides, I have a lot on my mind.
- Share with me, Bob.
- I'm buying a house.
- When do we move in?
- (laughs) Oh, there is no we.
- Oh, well.
I gotta say, I'm a lot
less worried about you now
that you have man in your life.
I just hope he sticks around long enough
to come to my party.
Here is my guest list.
- Warhol, Halston, Mercury?
This is Studio 54's guest list.
- You don't know what kind
of comeback I want to throw.
- I'm pretty sure none of
these people can come, mom.
- They're too good to come
to my party all of a sudden?
Well, I'll have none of that.
I'll just dis-invite them all.
- They're all dead, mom.
- Okay.
Never mind.
Whatever.
And I never did any drugs, you know.
- Huh.
- I'm sorry.
- What a pistol.
How come you never told me about her?
- I wasn't kidding when I
say I try not to tell anyone.
- Why?
- For starters, she raised
me to believe I was an orphan
she found in Vietnam after the war.
The war was really hard on her.
She has post-traumatic stress disorder.
Half the time I think she
still thinks it's the 70s.
I don't even know who my father is.
Now you know all about
my family dysfunction.
Do you wanna go see the house I'm buying?
- Sure.
Can I ask you a question first?
Is there something you
don't like about me?
- What do you mean?
You're like sex on a stick.
- Sex on a stick.
That sounds very painful but
I'll take it as a compliment.
- (sighs) Why are you attracted to me?
- I can ask you the same question.
Why are you attracted to me?
- I know you can't tell but
I've been going to the gym.
I've lost like three pounds since we met.
- And that's wonderful.
But that's not why I love you.
(piano music)
Okay, there.
I said it first.
- I've spent my entire life
looking for someone like you
and nearly gave up.
And here you are turning
my world upside down.
I hate you, Andrew Darcy.
- Look, I don't want you to be anyone else
but yourself around me.
And hopefully, I can do the same.
(smooth music)
- Your turn.
- I've been thinking about
what this night might be like for months.
(sighs)
If you'd still want me
after you saw all my flaws.
(sighs)
If you don't like what you see,
the door's right behind you.
- I meant what I said, Bob.
(smooth music)
- Tell me again why you love me, Andy.
- Well, I have traveled the world
looking for something as sweet as you.
I've had Mexican wedding cookies
and Danish butter cookies
and Chinese fortune
cookies and snickerdoodles
and peanut butter cookies, but,
at the end of the day all I want
is the simplest cookie of them all,
the chocolate chip cookie.
- I am lying naked in bed with you
and you compare me to a
chocolate chip cookie?
- What's wrong with that?
I could use a chocolate
chip cookie right about now.
- Well, they're round and mushy
and filled with dark speckles.
Oh, don't touch me there.
Don't touch me there either.
Not there either.
Definitely not there!
(laughing)
(piano and violins playing)
(slow cheerful music)
- Hey, this is my house.
- I'm sorry, I'm just waiting for someone.
- You're not my daddy, you're a bear.
- I am not bear, little kid!
(growls)
- Ah!
- Seven.
- Eight.
- I am a bear.
- Nine.
- A bear.
- One more, one more.
- Ohhh!
- Ten.
- Oh!
- Inappropriate, Bob.
- I am a bear.
- Oh, what on earth are you talking about?
- I am a bear.
- Look, okay.
Just because you've been in hibernation,
does not mean that you are--
- No, no, no, I am a bear.
- No, you're not.
You're more like a cub.
- Oh, stop it.
- I'm just kidding.
- What's the matter with you?
Look, I think it's apparent.
Andy called you a bear.
- Did he say something about your looks?
Then what's the matter?
- We had sex.
(gasps)
- Congratulations! It's about time!
- Oh, well, any longer and Andy would have
had to pry you open with a crowbar.
(laughing)
So what's the sad face, Goldilocks?
- Well, he hasn't called me
since and he stood me up.
(gasps)
- Oh.
- What?!
- Well, maybe you just
thought it was a relationship
and he thought it was a one-night stand.
- How could he think it
was a one-night stand?
We have been dating each other for months.
- Maybe.
- Maybe you think I'm not worthy
of being in a relationship.
- Of course not.
- Maybe you think I'm not
worthy of being loved.
- I didn't say that.
- You didn't have to.
- Look, how did he stand you up?
- We were supposed to go
to an open house together.
(gasps)
- Oh, I'm afraid to tell you,
you don't take a guy to an open house
a few months into a relationship.
- Especially right after
he had sex with you.
- I didn't ask him to move in with me.
- You didn't have to say it.
- Look, I think you should just give him
a piece of your mind.
- I gave him a lot more than that.
I gave him my heart.
- That is the last thing you
give a guy while you're dating.
- Really?
What do you give a guy when
you're dating? (laughs)
I don't wanna know.
(laughing)
- Oh, come on.
- Why don't you invite
Andy to our brit shalom?
- Good to meet you too.
What is that?
- Brit shalom?
Like a bris.
Only we're celebrating the joy
of getting our foreskin back.
- Oh my god, you had foreskin
reconstructive surgery?
Which one of you had it?
- We are having a pool party to celebrate.
- Oh, great, a pool party.
Maybe I should see your
plastic surgeon after all.
- Aw.
Oh, come on.
Let's get back to aerobics.
- No, Olivia Newton-John,
you and Richard Simmons
are gonna have to carry on on your own.
(phone ringing)
- [Doctor] You! You have
a clean bill of health.
- How long will the whole process take?
- The recovery time for a liposuction
can be quite extensive.
And it hurts.
A lot.
I hope you have somebody to
pick you up from the hospital
when it's done.
- Can I get quote on the procedure?
(sighs)
My gosh.
That's nearly a down payment on a house.
- That's the price of beauty, darling.
(soothing piano music)
- Hi, I'm here to see Andy.
- Tag.
- Hey.
- What are you doing here?
- I'm eating, it's an eating
establishment, isn't it?
- Look, I'm sorry I called
you out at Lana's party.
- Don't sweat it.
- Thanks.
- It never lasts, does it?
- What are you talking about?
- Bob?
Oh my god, hi!
- What was Tag doing in your restaurant?
- Oh, he and Lana are having
some relationship issues.
She didn't tell you?
- And he chose you to be
the one to console him?
Actually, that's not even why I'm here.
Why did you stand me up at the open house?
It's not like I'm asking
you to move in with me,
you know that, right?
- No, I know.
I just arrived late and
by the time I got there
you had already left.
There was this little boy
shooing me out, talking about
how bears had just invaded
his house or something.
- Really?
You were there?
- Yeah, I don't think he wanted to move.
Moving can be so traumatic
for children, you know?
- (sighs) Well, you could have called me
or texted me or emailed me,
or you know, any of those options.
- I'm sorry.
I'm just in way over
my head with this book
and I'm looking for inspiration.
Look, I just need to get a draft done
by the end of this week.
But let me make it up to you, alright?
Next week I will take you out on a date,
anywhere you wanna go.
- My friends Aiden and
Chase are having a party,
maybe we could go to that?
- Anything but a party.
- Why not?
- It's enough that I cater
them, you know, I just.
- You know, everything we've
done has been just me and you.
It would be really great if
you could meet my friends.
(sighs)
- Okay, I'll go if it's
that important to you.
- Yay! (laughs)
I was starting to worry about us.
I thought maybe that night
had somehow turned you off.
- What?
Bob, no.
- You would tell me though,
if something was wrong,
wouldn't you?
- Bob, I wouldn't hide anything from you.
I just need to finish my book.
- My friend Aiden is an editor,
I could give you his
number, maybe he could help.
- Thanks.
Look, I promise to make a concerted effort
to call you more often.
- Not too much.
We wouldn't want you to come off as needy.
- Oh, no.
I don't wanna come off as needy now, do I?
(cheerful piano music)
- Lord have mercy.
I have more muffin top the Hostess bakery.
And the bakery is officially open.
Oh, who's that sexy
creature in the mirror?
Oh, stop.
Okay, you are getting over the top.
No, keep going.
What are you doing?
One more subconscious comment
and I want you to institutionalize me.
Ah!
- Ah!
- Lana do not sneak up on me
like that, I'm half naked.
- You're fully clothed.
- I feel naked.
- What's the point of being BFF's
if we can't see each other naked?
- Well, one of us might go blind.
- You mean me.
- M-hm.
So, do you think I can pull off this look?
- Sure, why not?
- Because my spare tire is
bigger than the Michelin man's.
- Whatever.
I say you be daring and you
show the world your ass crack.
- You know that crack is whack.
- Crack is cheap.
- Crack is pedestrian.
- [Both] Peace to Whitney.
- But you know what else is whack?
Tag wants to have kids.
- Congratulations?
- I know, right?
He says he's ready.
I mean, he wants me to pop
them out like, right now.
- Do you think that boy is
overcompensating for something?
- I think he's cheating.
- Well, I do think he has a little bit
of the Neil Patrick Harris in him.
- Who is that?
- He's batting for the other team.
- Which team?
- The gay team.
- (laughs) Whatever.
Wait, you're serious?
- No, I'm sure I'm wrong.
Forget it.
What do you think?
Too much?
- No, too little is more like it.
- Well, I'm gonna get it.
- Great.
(upbeat electronic music)
♫ On the floor, euphoria
♫ You gotta have try
♫ On the floor, euphoria
♫ On the floor, euphoria
♫ I'm loving my life ♫
- Bob!
- How are you?
- Glad you made it.
(cheek kissing)
- Just get one.
- Nice seashells.
- Oh, thank you. (laughs)
- You look thirsty.
- Oh, yes.
- So what's your elixir of choice?
- Slim fast?
- Mmm, very funny.
(laughing)
- When did all your
friends become Greek gods?
- No, your boyfriend is the Greek god.
- No wonder you've been
keeping him to yourself.
- Oh, nothing of the kind.
What do you think, I'm
an impulsive hoarder?
- Yes, a compulsive man hoarder.
- Well, you have been
through a drought after all.
- Drought is over.
Here comes the monsoon that
makes all the pretty boys swoon.
- Oh, my.
- My sentiments exactly.
- [Chase] I'm gonna need a
chaser to wash that one down.
- Hi, Bob.
- Hi.
(laughing)
- It's good to see you too.
Wanna come in the pool with me?
- Oh, no, I'm perfectly fine on dry land.
I am a land mammal after all.
- As opposed to a water mammal?
- Yeah, like a whale.
- Go get changed.
- No, you don't want
all these pretty people
to leave your party.
- Who cares what these people think?
Look, I have seen you
naked, for the love of God.
- I don't think the coyotes
in the hills heard you.
- Please.
For me.
- Okay, fine.
- Come with me.
- Let's go get wet.
- I thought you could borrow this one.
- Really? A onesie? (laughs)
What are we, in kindergarten?
- Well, I thought you'd be shy.
- I brought this.
- Well, guess not.
- Well, if Andy doesn't
mind, why should I, right?
- Exactly.
I'll leave you to it.
(upbeat jazz music)
(sighs)
(flipping pages)
- [Voiceover] Food for thought,
when bad sex happens after good meals,
recipes that can spice up your sex life
when it is as flat as a bad soufflé.
- Oh my god.
I'm the bad soufflé.
Oh, hell no.
(techno music)
- Your turn.
- Oh, no, no. I think I
should slow down on the shots.
- We're going to Palm
Springs for vacation,
be with us.
- [Andy] You make it very tempting.
Gonna be a lot of pretty boys there.
- [Aiden] You'll be very popular.
- That's the last thing I need,
I need to finish my
book, but I'll ask Bob.
- Why do you need to ask him?
- Yeah, you're not his bitch.
- He's not my bitch
'cause I'm the dog, right?
- Hey, look who's back!
- Another tequila shot?
- Bob, they didn't mean any harm.
And you look great.
- Thanks, but your book begs to differ.
- What are you talking about?
- Am I the big, fat gay
soufflé that's gone flat?
- Bob, I underlined the stuff
that I wanted you to help me with.
- How? By using me as a guinea pig?
If you want my help, why is
your book on Aiden's nightstand?
- Bob, you're the one
who suggested I help Andy
find the right publisher.
- What a Pandora's box I've opened.
Maybe you should go to Palm
Springs with these two,
find out what good sex is all about.
Obviously, this flat,
crusty soufflé has no idea.
- You're getting, (laughing) hi.
You're getting out of line.
- I'm getting out of line.
You are blatantly seducing my man!
- Hey, don't go there!
- Uh-uh.
- Why not? Who's gonna stop me?
I didn't think so.
- Bob, you're making a scene.
- What do you mean?
You just told me not to care
about what these hoebags think.
Hey, boys!
I may not have your looks and
I may not have your bodies,
but you know what I got?
I got screwed over by my best friends,
welcome to the big, gay world!
- Bob, please.
- No, let me tell you
something, Andrew Darcy,
before I met you I was
feeling very low about myself.
I didn't know if I would ever find anyone
who would love me for me
and for a split second,
I thought I had found my big, gay love.
But I am nothing but some stupid joke
to be served up with
your dumb gay cookbook.
- No! Leave me alone!
- Bob, Bob, please stop!
(water splashing)
- Bob, bob.
(coughing)
- I'm sorry.
- I think you better go.
Now.
- I am fine, really.
- You owe us an apology.
- Can I just say something to Andy?
- No.
Please leave.
- I can't believe after
all I've done for you two
you would try to take my boyfriend.
- Stop saying things you'll regret later.
- Oh, I don't think I will.
(sighs)
(door opens)
(sighs)
(door shuts)
(light switch clicks)
- Oh!
- Mom! You have got to stop
coming over here unannounced!
- Yeah, well what are you
doing in my underwear?
- This is my bikini.
- Is it gay pride month already?
Is that why you're wearing pink again?
- They say when you got it, flaunt it,
and I've got plenty to flaunt.
- Oh, dear, what's happened?
- Nothing.
- Nothings happened, yet you're standing
nearly naked in front of me?
Alright, what's going
on with you and Andy?
- I think it's over, mom.
I went crazy and I stole his boots.
- Oh, what did you do that for?
They're hideous.
- I know.
But I love him, mom.
And when you love someone,
even the ugly things about
them become things of beauty.
- Kinda like the way I feel about you.
- Thank you.
But you don't think I'm beautiful.
- Beautiful doesn't even begin
to describe what you are.
- I'm not sure I like where this is going.
(laughing)
- Oh, you mean the world to me, Bob.
And if Andy can't see
that, then screw him.
You wanna hop back on that pony?
Bring him back his boots!
At my age, you gotta take
it where you can get it.
So, take it while you're young.
(kissing)
Oh, baby.
(slow piano music)
(knocking on door)
(door opening)
- Look, I'm going through a
lot of crazy things right now,
what you did really scared me.
- I'm sorry, never again.
- Promise?
- Cross my fingers and hope to die.
- I think you're suppose
to cross your heart.
- Well, I would but, somebody
has already stolen that.
- Kind of like the rascal
who stole my boots?
- Kind of.
Hey, my mother is having
her art exhibit next week
and she specifically
told me to invite you.
- Yes.
But only because it's your mom.
You I'm still mad at.
- Is that Tag?
- Yeah, that's one of the crazy things
I'm dealing with right now.
- What crazy thing is that?
- Oh, I'll tell you later.
- Please tell me know.
- I'll tell you later, I promise.
- Did you have sex with him too?
- You know, I'm not gonna respond to that.
- I think we should end this.
- Look, you don't know
what's going on, Bob.
And you don't trust me.
- You're the one who totally cast me aside
when you were knee deep in writing.
You have time for Tag but
you don't have time for me?
- I'm trying as hard as I can.
- Why don't you try being honest?
Tell Tag to come out here.
- No, he doesn't want anyone
to know that he's here.
Okay, you're being inappropriate.
- I have never been one to be appropriate.
Try me.
- Oh, well, how's about
I take you on a date
to the sandwich truck,
I'll tell you there.
- No.
I can't spend any more
time thinking about you
because it's driving me crazy.
I don't think I can go on like this.
- I'm sorry you feel that way.
(electronic music)
- Bartender, give me a shot of
the strongest thing you have.
- We have wine or beer.
- What do you mean?
I specifically remember
ordering vodka for this party.
- I'm paying for this
out of pocket, you know.
- Mom, it was a donation
from the liquor company.
- Well, why didn't you tell me sooner?
Oh, mama needs a martini.
- That's why I'm the party planner,
and as your consultant, I should say,
people might take you might
seriously as an artist
if you stop dressing like
a comic book villain.
- Is the cape too much?
- Oh, yes.
- It'll be great on you.
- No. (laughs)
So where are your pictures?
- Right this way.
- Oh, my.
Those are exactly what I think they are.
- It's a tribute to my best asset.
- No kidding.
- Mom, when you said pussy I
really thought you meant cat.
- And you are?
- Tag, not invited.
What are you doing here?
- Time for a costume change!
- Who did you come with?
- I came on my own.
- Oh, that's so hard to believe.
- Look, I know you saw me at
Andy's house the other day.
- Hm.
- Bob, I'm not here to fight with you.
Okay, Lana and I are
ending our relationship.
- What am I supposed to say to that?
That I'm happy for her?
That I'm sad for you?
- You don't have to say anything to me.
Okay, Andy has been helping
me come to terms with myself.
It's him you need to apologize to.
- Wait, so you two never?
- (laughs) No.
- Oh my god, I'm such an idiot.
Top yourself off.
- You're a star.
- Wah!
- Bob!
Bob, what are you doing?
- I'm a horrible person.
- Oh, just you because
you spilled a little wine
on yourself, you don't
have to beat yourself up.
- No, you don't understand.
I finally found someone who
loved me and I ruined it.
I hate myself so much right now.
- Oh, Bob, bob, I love you.
Even though you're
upstaging me at my show.
Oh, oh.
(slow piano music)
- Andy, it's Bob.
I'm sorry for being such an idiot.
Can you call me?
I wanna apologize.
- Bob, are you okay?
I'm sorry.
Bob!
(somber piano music)
(phone ringing)
- Andy?
- This is Dr. Barrenbottom,
I have a slot open for next week.
Some wimp got cold feet
at the last minute.
His loss is the start of
your wonderful new body.
- Can I get back to you?
- [Dr. Barrenbottom] The clock's ticking
and you're not getting any skinnier.
(phone hanging up)
- How many sandwiches?
- Uhm, can you tell me
if you've seen Andy?
- You want a sandwich or not?
- Sure, I'll take a sandwich.
- Everything on it?
- Yes.
But can you please tell
me if you've seen Andy?
- Who are you?
- Bob.
- Oh, you're the one that
made Andy stop coming here,
because he said my sandwiches
reminds him of you.
- He said that?
- You're not good for business, kid.
- Thank you.
- Next.
(thunder rumbling)
(pouring rain)
- Can I join you?
- Tag, what are you doing here?
- You know, I heard the
sandwiches were really good.
Can I sit?
- Sure.
- Well, I guess we're
in the same club now.
- We are not in the same club.
- I mean, we both had our heart broken.
- Tag, look at you and now look at me.
- (laughs) Just because
I'm not you doesn't mean
I can't understand what it
is you're going through.
- The gay status quo that
I have failed to live up to
can really kill a guy, you have no idea.
- I have some idea.
You look at me, you judge
me based on my looks.
Okay, you reduce me to what you see
instead of who I really am.
- You're right.
I have done that.
I'm sorry.
- (sighs) Well, don't guard the flask.
(sighs)
After a while I don't expect
anyone to understand who I am.
They project on me what
they wanna see anyways,
so what's the point of saying anything.
(sighs)
I'm not the bad guy, Bob.
- I'm sorry if I offended you.
Can you call me a taxi?
(laughing)
- Well, I drove here.
I can give you a ride.
- Anything's better than
sitting here in the rain.
- Alright.
Oh, here we go.
Oh, there we go.
You'll be alright, buddy.
(somber piano music)
Alright.
Okay, oh, oh, oh. (laughs)
No more alcohol for you, Bob.
- No one ever told how
hard gay life would be.
- Hey, was Andy your big, gay love?
- Who told you about that?
- (laughs) No one had to tell me.
- No, I mean, who told you the expression?
- That, Lana told me that.
I still don't know what it means.
- Love so big, it becomes infinite.
A love so gay, it contains no sorrow.
Big, gay love.
A love so unconditional,
you could never find it.
- Wow.
So you don't think you'll
ever find your big, gay love?
Does it scare you?
You know what scares me?
Loneliness.
- (laughs) I'm surrounded
by people all the time,
so when I'm by myself the
silence really scares me.
- Silence is beautiful.
Without the silence you can't
learn to filter out the noise.
- What if the person you
thought you cared about most,
isn't the right one?
- Let's be sad for a little bit.
Close your eyes.
Listen to your own breath.
(breathes slowly)
Tag, no.
- Bob.
Hi.
I think you're beautiful.
(kissing)
(panting)
(somber jazz music)
- Any updates on Andy, Mr. Tran?
- Do I look like a psychic hotline?
- Please, just tell me.
- No, sorry.
Sandwich?
(somber jazz music)
- Thank you.
(train rolling by)
Oh, Mr. Tran, can we
wait a little bit longer?
Please?
(somber jazz music)
Mr. Tran, can we wait a little bit longer?
- You are not the boss of me.
Being here isn't gonna change anything.
What's the point when he
doesn't even know you're here?
- Pretty please?
- You are hopeless, aren't you?
- Haven't you ever been in love, Mr. Tran.
- No.
Okay, maybe once.
You want me to stay open?
Go scrub my grill.
Okay, I'm closing.
- Okay, okay. I'm coming.
- Apron's on the door.
The gloves are in the back.
(knocking on window)
- Andy!
- What are you doing?
- I got a new job.
- Andy, wait.
- I don't wanna see you ever again.
- Please don't go, we had a date
to meet at the sandwich truck, remember?
- Isn't it ironic that you're
the one who cheated on me?
- Who told you that?
Tag?
- Lana.
Tag told her everything.
That you got him drunk
and then you seduced him.
- That is not what happened at all.
- But it did happen, right?
You've never been so ugly to me.
- I never believed I
deserved someone like you.
Growing up gay no one
tells you how to love.
- Bob, I loved you because I
thought you were different.
I didn't have to put
my guard up around you.
I didn't have to suck in
my belly when I felt fat.
I didn't have to pretend that,
I don't know, that i was somebody else.
But I was wrong.
- No, you are not wrong.
- I'm done.
I'm dropping the book
and I'm dropping you.
- Please, even if you
never talk to me again,
you have to finish your book.
- You know what, I just need a break.
- I think I might go to Palm
Springs with Aiden and Chase.
- That's a terrible idea.
- And I know what you're thinking,
you know what, I don't care.
(sad piano music)
- Just don't stand here, Bob,
go get your big, gay love!
(sad piano music)
(car drives off)
- [Voiceover] You've
reached Billy Gene's realty,
where finding your dream
home is my mission.
Leave a message.
(voice mail tone beeps)
- This is Bob.
I don't think I want the house.
It's beautiful, it's perfect in every way,
but I've had a lot of unexpected
changes come up in my life.
- [Billy] Hello? Bob?
May I ask why?
- It's not the right time.
- [Billy] Why don't you sleep on it
and get back to me in the morning.
- I have an appointment in the
morning that I have to keep.
- [Billy] It sounds serious, are you okay?
- [Bob] I suppose I will be
when the procedure is done.
- [Billy] Are you sure about that, Bob?
Hello? Bob?
Bob!
- [Voiceover] Bob.
- Bob! I'm so glad you could
find time in your schedule
for us today.
It looks like it's gonna be a two-man job.
So I brought my right-hand man. (laughs)
He's a lefty.
- Bob, how are you?
Are you nervous?
- Little.
- A little bit, okay.
We're just gonna make this
really comfortable for you.
Let's bring this down, cover
up your john-johns there.
And we're gonna take our
time marking you, okay?
(eerie music)
(silicone flopping)
(heavy breathing)
(door opening)
- Andy?
- What's the matter?
It looks like you seen a ghost.
(eerie music)
- I'm so happy to see you.
- Why are you so emotional?
Eat your breakfast.
I'm gonna get dressed
and get ready for work.
(footsteps walking away)
(eerie music)
(heart monitor beeping)
(door opening)
- Bob?
Are you alright?
Do you feel the anesthesia kicking in?
- Yes.
Can you ask the doctor to come in, please?
- Just a moment.
(heart monitor beeping)
(door opening)
- Hello, Bob.
- Aiden?
- No, sir, this is Dr. Barrenbottom.
I think it's the drug talking.
- How much anesthesia
did you give him, nurse?
I know you're nervous, but
everything will be fine.
- Oh my god, what have I done?
- Oh, Bob.
Don't worry.
Do you want some drugs
to ease your tension?
- No, I don't want any more drugs.
I wanna get out of here.
I want Andy.
(laughing)
- We can't release you while
you're under anesthesia.
- Let go of me.
I want a second opinion.
- Very well.
Can you bring my partner in here?
(heart monitor beeping fast)
- Hello, Bob.
- Ahhh!
- Bob, calm down.
- No! No!
No!
- Why are you here, then?
You wanna be perfect, don't you?
- I don't wanna be perfect.
I just want a second chance at life.
- Good, that's what we're here for.
Let's commence.
(eerie music)
- Please, don't let me go, Andy.
(heart monitor beeping)
(eerie music)
(footsteps)
(kissing)
(footsteps)
(eerie music)
(birds chirping)
(door creaking)
(truck engine approaches)
(intense music)
(slow somber music)
- Andy?
I'm sorry.
I'm so, so sorry.
- Shh.
Let's get you out of here.
Come on.
(slow somber music)
Easy, easy.
Okay.
(door opening)
(playful music)
- Stop thinking about taking
my boyfriend, you pricks!
- Bob, what the hell are you doing?
- Having a little fun with Aiden.
- That's not Aiden.
- Who is it?
- That's your doctor.
- Oh.
(playful music)
- Going down.
- Hi.
Hey.
Lana, hi.
- [Lana] He is high.
(playful music)
(car starting)
- How did you know to save me?
- What do you mean save you?
- I think he's still under the influence.
- Your doctor called and said
that you were pretty hysterical.
- Me? Hysterical?
Why would he say that?
I'm really sorry I hurt you, Lana.
- [Lana] It's okay.
I'm not that hurt anyway.
- [Bob] Really?
- [Lana] Yeah.
- [Bob] Well, if it means anything,
I never wanted a thing to do with him.
- Look, you're my best
friend and I love you.
But you have to promise
me that from now on,
you'll take better care of yourself.
You know you have to learn
how to love yourself.
- No one can replace you, or Andy.
- Oh, but Aiden and Chase can replace me.
Guess who's going to Palm Springs now?
- No.
(sighs)
- Mm.
Harder.
- Yeah.
- Harder.
(doorbell rings)
(sighs)
That must be Tag.
(laughing)
What are you doing?
- Well, is my hair in place?
- You wanna really surprise him?
(gasps)
What about you?
- Hm.
- Ready?
(door opens)
- Hello, lovers.
- [Both] Ah! (gasps)
- Oh, why so shy, boys?
- Uh, Mrs. Bartholomew,
are you doing here?
- Why, I'm here to return the
favor that you've done to Bob.
I'm also here for the menage a trois.
- I'm sorry, we really must be going.
- Oh, what's the hurry, boys?
I brought party favors.
- Oh.
- I hope you have big appetites.
Because mama's hungry.
- [Both] Ahh!
(car doors opening)
- I'm gonna get you some shoes.
Here.
- Oh, no. Not those.
Those have gotten me into so much trouble.
- I want you to have these.
- They mean the world to you.
- These boots have seen me
through a lot of tough times
in my life and now they tell
me they wanna be with you.
- I can't.
- Bob, if you don't take them, I will.
- Just promise me you'll
take care of them.
- Okay.
- Come on.
Now, this doesn't mean
that we're back together.
- Thank you for today.
- Of course.
- Do you wanna come in, or?
- No, I'm really busy,
I've got a lot of work.
I found a publisher for my book.
- Really?
Congratulations!
- Thank you.
Take care of yourself.
(slow piano music)
(knocking on door)
(door opening)
Hey.
- Andy!
What are you doing here?
- Well, you said you
wanted to read my book,
so I thought I would deliver it.
- Special delivery.
Like a stripper at a bachelorette party.
- Uhm, okay, sure.
Look, read the chapter
with the Bob post-it in it.
- Haven't we been down that road before?
- Read it before your cereal gets cold.
- Chapter 12.
The worst days are the best.
I remember the first time
i failed my culinary test,
it felt like my first heartbreak,
not only did it break my
heart, it broke my spirit.
The soufflé that never quite rose up
to more than a flat custard.
The funny thing is I remember
that day more vividly
than any other in my life.
I can still taste it.
Like a first kiss.
It lives with me forever.
Though he may not be the
best, I can never let him go.
- I have a book signing next week.
- I know, I read about it on the Internet.
- And I'm really nervous
and was wondering if maybe you can come?
- Of course!
- Great.
- [Voiceover] Technique is important.
You must know how to whip, how to fold.
But most of all you must
know how to be patient.
What do you do on the days
when your best is not enough?
You've gotta pick yourself
up and do it all over again.
And be grateful to know that
you're allowed a second chance.
Because sometimes there
are no second chances.
I have witnessed friends lives
become irrevocably changed,
some endure abuse, some put
themselves in physical harm.
Some try to take their own
lives and some have passed on.
On days when you feel
your best isn't enough,
you've gotta ask yourself,
do I wanna throw it all away?
Or you can ask, am I gonna do
the best with what I've got?
Because in the end, do you
choose to live your life
because you've got something to prove?
Or do you choose it because
it's what's in your heart?
Thank you.
(applause)
Thank you.
- Hi, I'm Bryan.
- Hey, Bryan, thanks for coming.
- Oh, yeah, no, I would, anytime.
I love your book.
It's great.
- Thank you.
- Could I?
- Oh, yeah.
- Were you inspired by
anyone special in your life?
What was she, a big girl like me?
(laughing)
- Excuse me?
- I'll just be a second.
You know, I swear when I read it,
I thought you were
writing the book about me.
Like it was about, that's
crazy, that's crazy, right?
A little crazy. (laughs)
But actually I've always dreamed about
being a superstar chef, like
you, since I was little.
Since I was like, well I wasn't
little, but like you know.
But uh, when my parents
found out I was gay
they took away my kitchen supplies.
In fact they stopped
letting me into the kitchen
all together, which is weird
'cause that's when I put
on the weight, anyways.
Uhm, so that's when I realized
that my hopes and dreams
of ever becoming anything
like you had gone down the drain.
You know, before I came here today I,
I thought about taking my own life.
But then I found your book and,
I changed my mind.
So thank you.
- You know, I'm gonna
give you my phone number
and if you wanna talk just please call me.
- Really?
- I think I can do better than that.
Hi, I'm Bob.
I see a lot of myself in you.
I'm the one you've been waiting for.
(laughing)
- What am I waiting for?
A portly gay man with a competitive crush
on my Andrew Darcy? (laughs)
He just gave me his number.
- And I can share with
you my years of experience
as a very successful party planner.
I might need an assistant.
- Oh, that's okay.
- Let's see.
You want to learn how
to impress all the gays
and have your own pantry section
at Williams-Sonoma, right?
Here, take my number, call me sometime.
- How are you doing?
- I'm keeping the gun.
- I'm still hurting.
- Let me get this one, okay?
- [Bob] Okay.
- What he's trying to say is that,
anything you've ever wanted
to be is inside of you.
And all you need is a little
love to make that passion grow.
- That's beautiful.
Wow.
Like a little gay love.
- No, like a big, gay love.
- Yeah, yeah.
- Well, if someone like
you can land a guy like,
huh, Mr. Man here, then
there's definitely hope for me.
It's so crazy.
Thank you, thank you so much for.
Ah, we're like, ah we might
as well kiss. (laughs)
So crazy.
Ah, you smell like lemon grass. (laughs)
It's so close to my face. (laughs)
You know what the world needs?
We really need chocolate
stuffed chicken and turkey.
- [Voiceover] In the gay
universe a million stars
are waiting to be born.
On their way there, they just
need a little encouragement.
- You know what the world needs?
We need some creme brulee BBQ sauce.
No, wait, wait, wait, no.
No, what am I talking about?
Marshmallow sriracha sauce,
you could put it on anything.
You could put it on eggs, sausage.
- [Voiceover] All you
need to do is lend an ear.
- You know what I'm
gonna call my business?
I'm gonna name it.
- [Voiceover] Or a smile.
- So, are you gonna call me sometime?
- Uh, yeah.
I mean, I'm gonna call you
like, hey, every five minutes.
No, I'm just kidding, I'm not gonna.
But I'm gonna go home and blog about this.
My friends are gonna freak out.
I mean in social, yeah of course you are,
I mean, you're great.
Thank you so much, once again!
- Ah, big hug.
- It was nice meeting you too.
Thank you!
I hug so tight.
See you later.
- Yeah, that's awesome.
I'm standing right in front of him
and he's gonna run home
and look at me online.
Go figure.
- [Voiceover] And that is
how our universe grows.
This is the best dinner date ever.
- Well, you said you always
wanted to eat at my restaurant,
so here you go.
- Even if we're still not back together?
- Let's see how the night goes.
Oh, wait, I've got something for you.
(somber music)
- Wait, what is Mr. Tran gonna do
if he finds out you're
selling his sandwiches?
- Oh, I told him I was gonna
share half the proceeds
of the sandwiches with him, so.
- And he approved?
- He packed a bag and went on vacation.
(laughing)
Are you gonna try it?
So, how was your day?
(somber happy music)
(somber cheerful piano music)
(jazz music)