Beginner's Luck (1985) - full transcript
A law student finds himself involved in a menage-a-trois with a free-spirited neighboring couple. Complications ensue when his fiancé unexpectedly shows up and he has to ensure she doesn't find out about his "extracurricular activities". Further complicating matters are problems with his mother, who is chasing after a lover of her own, and a horny co-worker who has set her sights on him.
(upbeat music)
(bright music)
- Look.
Looky, looky, looky.
(woman screaming)
(bright music)
- Good persons, we've all made this trek
to validate Aris and Tech.
They trade acrimony for sweet matrimony
as strong as tequila and sec.
Or sex, is it?
(birds squawking)
(energetic music)
(door slamming)
(birds squawking)
(gentle music)
- My.
- Is that good or bad?
- How 'bout both?
Haven't you ever wanted to be so bad it was good?
- Courtney.
(phone ringing)
Oh.
Hello?
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
You miss me already?
- I said how about if I--
- Oh, I'm sorry, hon.
I'd love to take you to lunch, but I can't.
Of course I still love you.
No, Courtney's not still here.
- [Tech] Aris?
Aris?
- Come on, Court, are you buying or not?
- You, any day.
- 50 bucks.
For the poems, that is.
- Okay, I give in.
What would greeting cards be
without your clever little poems?
Seal the deal with a kissy poo?
- No.
- Too tired to rhyme, lover?
- No, she's got a temper that's rare.
Makes her act like Scarlett O'Hara.
Now, I'm no Clark Gable.
I've got the soup ladle.
And what's in it I think she should wear.
- You took Courtney to lunch today, didn't you?
- Whoa, you gave me this shirt for Christmas.
- Well I'm taking it back.
- Oh, what this dish needs is a little flaming
to spice her up.
- [Tech] Put me down.
Aris, all right, okay.
- Little bit of salt.
This needs a meat tenderizer.
Where's the meat tenderizer?
Here it is.
Mix it all in.
Bake at 450 for 90 hours.
- [Tech] What?
- It's all done.
(hand knocking)
Magnificent.
Oh, oh.
Hang on now, dear.
We've got company.
Coming.
- [Tech] Listen to me.
Would you just listen to me?
- Hi.
The law takes concentrated study.
- Yeah, right.
- [Tech] Put me down.
- Now, Mr. Tullis is clearly the wrong party in this case.
- I knew it.
Always assuming the male to be the aggrieved party.
- Hey, I like Hunter's attitude.
It's conservative but satisfying.
(bright music)
♪ Da da da da da da
- She purposely denied it, shall we say?
Access to her marital bed.
So poor Mr. Tullis cracked.
(bright music)
(classical music)
Tullis versus Tullis.
♪ La la la la la la
- Defendant alleges that Mrs. Tullis repeatedly denied him.
At least read through the case while I'm up there.
(classical music)
- Hey, way to go, Hunter.
You gotta curve those lusty ethnics.
- Good God.
Now what?
- You wouldn't know.
You probably won't even do it when you're married.
- Oh, give him a chance, Nathan.
He's saving himself for Miss Mega Bucks, aren't you Hunty?
- Okay.
Sex one, the law zero.
Shall we call it a night?
- Sure, but do take some time off, Hunter.
You could use some social intercourse.
- Yeah.
Intercourse.
- [Hunter Voiceover] Soft whispers and a caress.
Your Shangri La awaits.
Attractive female.
Single, white female with wild woman tendencies.
Must appreciate special guy for intimate sessions.
(bell ringing)
Aggressive, fun loving couple seeks similar couples
for good, clean adventures.
Hose, garters, and light spanking a must.
No diseases.
(classical music)
- No, wait a minute.
If you go, nobody'll get any sleep.
(classical music)
- Come in.
Come in, it's open.
(classical music)
- It's still too bloody loud for a Saturday.
Morning.
Not bad.
- That's it.
Nourishment, music.
Why waste a perfectly good day lazing about in bed?
- But, see I was up all night last night.
- So was I, but I was studying.
(classical music)
- Oh, so anyway.
With one fell swoop, I could've married Aris.
Gotten control of the business.
Dumped Willem.
Farmed out mother.
Here.
Try this now.
But Aris refused on principle.
- Well I think you're world class.
If he doesn't marry you, I should.
- What about Miss Mega Bucks?
- You're a much better cook.
(classical music)
Hi.
- What's the matter?
Haven't you tongue lashed him enough yet?
- We've got seafood bisque.
Oh and fresh muffins.
- And coffee cake.
(classical music)
- Not bad.
- [Babs] I know she's got to be here.
- [Willie] She's not here.
- Oh, she knew you were coming and she took off.
- Yeah, probably.
(hand knocking)
- Tech.
Where could she have gone?
I'm getting concerned about it.
Tech.
- Can we go now?
- Where do you think she is?
- I don't know where she is.
Can we go now?
(upbeat music)
- Hunter.
We're here.
There's nobody in there.
- Where is he?
- He's probably out with friends.
- Hey, we're his only friends.
(upbeat music)
- Aris.
Aris.
Damn poets.
Don't have responsibilities.
Impossible.
(upbeat music)
- Pile.
And go.
On point.
(upbeat music)
Very good, very good.
- What you getting so upset about, Willie?
She's a young woman.
She has to have time to herself.
- Tech.
- Let her be.
Willie, let's go out to dinner.
- Tech.
- Well I'm going out to dinner.
Chinese food.
Two from column A.
Three from column B.
- All right, I'll go with you.
- I don't want you to go with me.
- I'm going with you.
Don't give me this stuff.
(upbeat music)
- And now second place is long pile.
Can you do the honors?
- Yeah.
- Peck gazette.
(toy squeaking)
- Oh sorry.
Force of habit.
- I didn't know you had a dog.
- I don't.
These are all mine.
From my parents mostly.
World class dog people.
I'm just their most special doggy.
When they think of me at all that is.
- Ooh.
- [Hunter] Wanna know my real name?
- An alias.
I knew it.
We've been taken in by a fiendish criminal.
- Hunters Bit of Luck Gray.
Scout's Honor.
- Oh hey, what's Miss Mega Buck's lineage?
- Miss Mega Buck's is my little nickname.
Bethany DeBucklin Boyd Cranston Cordovan
is just a wee bit long.
- She must really be something with a kennel name like that.
- Does she like to do it doggy style?
- Doggy style?
- Doggy style.
You know.
With the.
- Don't even joke about that.
Big Daddy is very uptight about sex.
Or is it Bethany?
- You mean you don't know.
- Well you don't get to be law review editor
without giving up a social life.
I've led a very sheltered existence.
- You're still--
- No.
Not everybody can be a wild poet.
- Her previous fiance put his arm around her
in front of Big Daddy.
He's still in a neck brace.
Me, I'm playing it safe.
- And rightly so.
We can't lose a fellow gourmand just when we found him.
- So.
Here's to a doggy named Gray,
whose prospects are looking quite gay
'cause law clients' millions and Bethany's billions
are coming to soon save the day.
- That's all marriage is to you, isn't it?
A business deal.
Maybe Hunter wants to marry Bethany for herself.
Did you ever think about that?
Some people are willing to commit to other people
even if it means accepting the good with the bad.
I mean the bad with the good.
Well whatever it is, you're not capable of it.
- Must've been the champagne.
- Well, so much for social intercourse.
(bright music)
- [Hunter Voiceover] Sensuous, good looking,
special, secure, discriminating, fun loving,
intelligent, warm, creative, slim couple
seeks similar couple or gutsy woman for blatant wild sex.
(bright music)
- Your turn to fetch, Ari.
- Can't you two take pity on me and call a truce?
Here I am the gray sum total of a bland past,
a boring present, and a bleak future in the law,
and then finally I have the chance to participate
in some genuine social intercourse.
Some fun and romance however vicariously.
And you two blow it over a case of wedding jitters.
- Not me.
Aris.
He backed out.
- So?
In Doris Day movies, the girl goes out
and gets the guy so crazy with hot blooded jealousy
that he's all over himself proposing.
- I'm not Doris Day.
- Well hey, he's no Rock Hudson,
but I bet he can get just as jealous.
Okay sandwich maker.
Get ready to take on two gourmet cooks.
Come on, Doris.
One, two, three, four.
- [Aris] Hey.
- Just a second.
Me racket's out of tune.
- Not for this was the number.
- Watch this.
- I call set.
This yours.
Whoa.
And this is a career of a war back.
Geez.
- [Aris] Tech's turn.
- All she needs is some kind of commitment.
Doesn't have to be marriage.
Just a firm feeling that you'll stay with her.
- She already has that.
- Yes, but does she know it?
You should play it up like one of those gothic novels.
Get her all heated up with harmless flirtations
and then drop 'em and pledge your own dying love.
She'll forget all about marriage.
- [Aris] Well even if you're right,
Tech's just not the jealous type at all.
- [Hunter] Shall we try?
Boys versus girl.
(bright music)
- [Tech] Come on, you guys.
- Got it. - Got.
- Good shot.
(bright music)
- Your turn, Hunt.
(bright music)
- Truce?
- Truce.
- Poor doggy Hunter not having someone like you around.
- And you're not falling for his bland past,
bleak future bit, are you?
- All right, all right, he's exaggerating,
but still he could use some fun.
Something to look back on.
- [Tech] He'll be married soon.
- [Aris] All the more reason
to help him broaden his experience.
- What?
- You know Hunter, Aris and I may have our little problems,
but we survive them because we bring
so much experience to the relationship.
- Right.
You gotta really live before you settle down.
- I've thought a lot about that.
I wanna be prepared and all.
No, it's just too late for me.
- Oh, come on.
You're a free man 'til you graduate in June.
- And we know lots of nice women.
- No, thanks.
It would interfere with my studies.
- You would do better.
- Let's say you're right about my needing experience.
Wouldn't it be best if I dove right in
for maximum effect I mean?
Of course I would never dare get involved
in anything like this alone,
but with you two experienced people.
- Well, we're really not that experienced.
- Right.
Right, that's a little out of our league.
- Oh but then maybe we could all benefit
from a few new and novel experiences.
You're both so wonderful together
and not a jealous bone between you
and it would mean so much to me.
- I guess so.
Sure.
- Sure.
(upbeat music)
- Afraid I'll bite?
- Oh no.
No, it's my friend downstairs.
- Wouldn't your little friend downstairs
like to meet my little friend downstairs?
- Oh god, no.
No, Courtney, no.
No.
- No.
Aris.
Aris.
- Hunter.
- I'm sorry. - Listen.
- I didn't realize.
- I need to borrow some pants.
- [Courtney] Aris, where are you?
- Oh yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Aris, I gotta talk to you.
- Okay.
- You know the personal ad?
- Uh huh.
- I had the responses sent to Tech's office.
- Okay.
- Well, I couldn't have 'em sent here.
It would ruin my career.
- Hunter.
- Yeah.
- Get the pants.
- [Courtney] Aris, where are you?
- Tech, darling.
I'm pleased to see that you're taking an interest
in our search for an assistant.
- Yes, well listen.
We'll evaluate these and then get back to you
with our recommendations.
- Very promising.
She's young.
Attractive.
Well educated.
- Oh my goodness.
It's a.
Well it's an interesting approach.
Modern.
- [Babs] Let me see.
- No, no.
- [Babs] Let me see.
- No, no, no, no.
- Well I get to vote.
Let me see the floozy.
- It's not a floozy.
It's a couple.
- Used to interacting one to one or in groups.
Good, good.
Why do we care how fast she can type?
- Well, we wouldn't have to give them a clothing allowance.
- Oh mother, I can explain.
- It's my research project for law school.
I'm a law school.
Law student.
And I'm currently studying office skills legally
in relation to observable levels of lint on clothing.
The theory being that the motivation work factor
is inversely proportional to observable levels of lint
found on the clothing of office workers.
You two for instance.
Yes, more truly definitive evidence
of the work motivation lint factor.
- This is dandruff.
- Oh yeah, just divide by two.
Same formula, yes.
Well, very good.
Carry on.
- Ooh.
I don't think you're ready for them, Hunter.
I'd start easy.
- Yeah, maybe next week.
Well this one's quite tasty.
I want your hot dog in my toasty bun.
- Ixnay.
- How's this?
Hi lovers, I'm Sherry and I'm stacked.
So is my friend Eve.
- Well.
- Professionals.
Pass.
- I'm your basic horny jock.
I'll knock your socks right off.
- Nice.
- Nope, nope.
No single guys.
It might throw off Hunter's perspective.
- Right.
Stick to the basics.
Oh look, this couple has a dog.
Wouldn't my parents be thrilled?
- All right look, Hunter, this is all for you,
so you decide okay, but keep it simple.
- And pass on the animal acts.
- Wait, you guys.
Here's the best one.
- Hunter, this is really weird.
You usually don't do this kind of thing
in the middle of the afternoon.
- It was the only time I could make a reservation.
These people are booked up for weeks on end.
(hand knocking)
There's my fun couple now.
- And Stella here is pretty talented,
but that broad really blew my horn
if you know what I mean (laughs).
- Tech's very musical, too.
- Let me get you another drink.
(upbeat music)
- Hey Stel, remember that lion tamer couple we had?
What scars, huh?
- Wow.
- I could certainly use another drink.
(upbeat music)
- But Christ Almighty that bowling team
we had topped 'em all (laughs).
- All right, let's stop beating around the bush.
You folks into rubber goods?
Bondage and discipline?
Golden showers?
Have you been bad?
Do you need a spanking?
- Well nothing heavy, mind you,
but a good spanking might make my muscle grove.
You know what I mean?
- I sure do.
Hunter and I slap each other around a lot.
Yeah I'm sure Tech here could whip little Stella into shape.
- She's not into that stuff.
Stella here's real straight ahead if you know what I mean.
- Oh yeah.
Let's take vote.
Have we got corn?
- Yes.
- Okay.
How many people for same sex bonding?
Cross collateral interdigitation.
- Doggy style.
- Yeah.
- Naked tobogganing.
Bottom shocks.
Okay.
Oral history.
- Look.
The only thing I want around my hot dog
is the bun that God intended and you know what I mean.
Come on, Stel.
- Well, we can do better, but let's not get too fussy.
You can't retouch a Polaroid.
Believe me, he's for real.
And one look at him will have Aris proposing on the spot.
- Yeah but what about her?
She's no ugly duckling.
- Don't worry.
I'll take care of her.
- All right, Hunter, you're gonna sprain something.
- I'll take a break.
Wanna see it?
- Yeah.
Man.
Tech is gonna blow a gasket.
- With volatile material like this
strutting around your place, marriage is a dead issue.
- You know he's not exactly Frankenstein.
- Yeah, but he's got nothing on us.
- These people are late, Hunter.
- They phoned and said they were still packing.
(hand knocking)
There's our fun couple now.
- Our fun couple? - Our fun couple?
- Hi.
I'm Ronnie.
Ronnie Rox.
R-O-X.
- And Bonnie.
Bonnie Bocks.
B-O-C-K-S.
- I'm Hunter.
Hunter Hay.
H-A-Y.
- And I'm Techla Tray.
T-R-A-Y.
- I'm Plato.
Plato Play.
P--
- Okay, who wants to play?
- Me.
- Come on you guys.
This is my big chance.
And one experience like this
can improve a whole lifetime together.
- Okay kids, changing time.
Okay.
Girls in here.
Boys in there.
- Ooh, we're gonna have funsies.
- First one dressed gets Techla.
I win.
- How did you manage so quickly?
- Practice, little man.
Practice.
- Toys now, Ronnie, toys.
Bonnie wants to play with the little toys
and the little boys.
- Okay, Bonnie B.
You take the little boys into the bedroom.
Techla and I will take the bathroom.
(bright music)
- [Aris] How much longer, Bonnie?
- [Hunter] Oh please hurry.
- Not peeking, are you?
- Oh, I think I have a fever.
Wanna feel?
- I said no peekskies.
Nursie may have to give you a shot.
- Okay, open Ronnie's big bathroom door and come on in.
(bright music)
Wanna play with my ducky?
- Put your hands above your head.
Come on.
Now close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Nursies got a big surprise.
♪ Do do do do do do do do
♪ Do do do do do
♪ Do do do do do do
♪ Do do do do do do
- Are the big boys ready to take their medicine now?
- Me first, nursie.
You promised.
- No.
You were a bad boy.
Putting that naughty thing near me.
- It's not my fault, nursie.
It has a mind of its own.
- Then we're just gonna have to teach it a lesson.
Aren't we?
(bright music)
- There.
Now we're all nice and squeaky clean.
Ready for the main event?
- I hate damp, gritty sand.
- Not in here, Techy.
In the kitchen.
- [Hunter] No.
- Aren't you ready for something big
and thick and creamy dreamy?
(group laughing)
- [Aris] Oh cut it out.
Please all right.
- Sure.
Let's get down and dirty.
- Oh cut it out.
(bright music)
- Oh help.
Hunter, Aris, help.
Oh my god.
Get him.
Get him.
Hunty.
- Excuse me, I'm sorry.
- Take that you jerk.
(group laughing) (bright music)
- [Courtney] Aris.
Aris.
(group laughing) (bright music)
- Hey Hunter, you in there?
Hunter?
- [Judith] Hunter?
- [Willie] Tech?
- Hide me.
Hide me quick.
- Tech.
Willie, why didn't you warn me?
(bright music)
- I'm gonna take a shower.
- We're gonna get caught.
Let's go.
(bright music)
- Gas.
- The gas gauge is unreliable.
- More, sir?
Need a map, sir?
Change that oil, sir?
- Well, whatever it needs.
- Anything I can get for you, young lady?
- No thanks.
- My love for you is really quite new,
but darling it's horny and true.
I'm through with that old love as one with a cold glove
and I'm anxious to slip into you.
Bye, Courtney.
- Come on.
- The scene of the crime of the century.
- Hey, come on.
We were both spared to rash decision.
- I'm glad I did something right.
All right, you two start unpacking.
I'll go break in.
- Hey, we're here to relax.
What's he always rushing around for?
- I'm sure it's nothing serious.
- [Tech] What's nothing serious?
- Nothing.
- Hunter.
What the hell are you trying not to tell me?
- It's all my fault.
I'm to blame for getting him so wired up.
All those sexual meetings that went nowhere.
And Courtney.
- Courtney finally got to him?
Well that two timing bastard.
- Honest Tech, I'll do anything to help you two patch it up.
Absolutely anything.
I'm not gonna regret this, am I?
- Woo.
Oh.
- God sakes, he can see us.
- Oh it'll do him good.
Come on, you ever done this before?
Come on.
Gotta get down real close.
Swing it.
Oh.
- Ow, ow.
Something bit me.
- It was me, silly.
- It was I, dammit.
- No, it wasn't.
I bit him.
- She disturbing you, Hunter?
- No.
No, not really.
- [Tech] Whoa.
- [Hunter] Jackpot.
- [Tech] Oh my god.
- [Hunter] Don't splash.
Don't splash.
Stop it.
- Almost finished with my poem?
- Almost.
I wanna make sure you get your just desserts.
- Dessert.
That's a good idea.
Why don't you go out and get some lobsters and desserts?
- I'll gladly go get them.
- No, let Aris go.
He's already dressed.
Oh, and can you get us some beer, too?
- Oh, you are really going too far.
He is gonna haul off and kill me.
- Oh, what I've got planned will kill him.
Then he'll propose just like you said, boy genius.
(gentle music)
- Not champagne.
You know what that does to you, Tech.
- One little glass won't matter.
(gentle music)
Skol.
(gentle music)
(bright music)
- Tech.
Tech.
- What?
- It was a diesel.
- Oh well.
(bright music)
That's no diesel.
(bright music)
- Tech.
False alarm.
(bright music)
Tech.
I better stop.
- Not now.
- I better stop.
- Not now.
- Oh, come back, Hunty.
(bright music)
Oh, Ari.
- Are we decent?
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi.
I was just studying.
Sorry about Tech.
I couldn't stop her.
You know me.
No real influence with the ladies.
(gentle music)
Don't kill me.
I didn't touch her.
- Sh.
(gentle music)
It's me, Techy.
- Please go away.
(gentle music)
- He's passed out.
(gentle music)
- Are you sure?
(gentle music)
(bright music)
- Even if he does know, he deserves it.
That two timing twit.
- Tech.
Yo, Hunt.
Aw come on, guys.
- Ah, thought I'd grab some color.
- Yeah, you do look a little pale,
but then Tech can be exhausting, right?
- Always was allergic to green things.
Grass.
Parsley.
Veggies.
Envy (laughs).
Little joke there.
- You know what I should do with you?
- Torture and disfigure me
and ruin any chance of my law career.
- [Aris] Take you to my secret place.
- Just how secret?
- Oh very.
Very secret.
I go there when Tech and her family become impossible
and now what we need is just a little bit of time off.
You know, just the two of us alone.
Maybe get to know each other a little bit more.
- Not so fast, you two timing twit.
Where do you think you're going with my lover?
- Nowhere, Tech.
He's all yours.
- Not you, yo yo.
You.
You can play around with Courtney,
then Hunter's fair game, too.
- Who's playing around with Courtney?
Hunter.
- Oh come on, Aris.
All those lovey dovey little phone calls.
- You mean my calls into her answering machine?
I was just trying to sell her a poem.
- Well, since I'm not married.
- And I'm not either.
So it's all perfectly legal.
- All right, just listen, will ya?
I've given this a lot of thought.
We're just gonna have to be adult and work it out.
Somehow.
(bright music)
- There.
A little legal research and it'll be ironclad.
- All right, now how do we know you aren't
gonna slip in some legalize favoring you?
- Hunter, this reads like a lease.
- Brilliant, huh?
Brings it all down to the basics.
Aris is the lessor and I'm the lessee.
How's our schedule Big A?
- Well I worked it out to basic two hour shifts.
- That's not very long.
- Obviously designed for quickies.
- I know you shouldn't complain.
You get both of us.
See, we only each get you.
- Oh well, why don't you spend some time
with each other now and then.
I might need a break.
- Okay, we're changing on the even hours and it's 1:37 now.
That gives you two 23 more minutes.
- Can't we go on the odd hours?
- Now see, you're going first.
- Well, how 'bout if I?
- All right.
All right.
I'll be back at three.
Sharp.
(bright music)
Well what kind of a choice did I have?
What would you have done?
Yeah.
Bet this one's got you tongue tied, too, huh Otto old boy.
Me too.
Well look, half of Tech is better than none at all, right?
It'll only be until he graduates and Hunter's a super guy.
What?
Five minutes since the last time you asked me.
This way a little bit.
This way.
Oh.
- Ooh.
Oh gosh, you okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Stay there, stay there.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
Stay there.
Ah vest.
- Silly car.
Who left that there?
- Maybe it's a present.
Maybe it's for us.
- I don't want it (laughs).
- This way.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- Dinner for two.
Ah may we.
- Off we go.
There you go.
Go 'head away.
I got you.
I got you.
I got you, I got you.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh my god. - What?
- Bears, Willie.
Bears.
Bears.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'll protect.
I'll protect you.
Oh, come on.
Look out.
Okay, here we go.
Don't hurt yourself.
- Cancel that reservation.
- We're jumping ship.
- My steamed lobsters.
- We're all gonna be steamed if we don't move your ass.
Now come on, let's grab your things.
- It's Babs and Willem.
- Here together.
- Off with you.
Off.
Off and away.
Off, you sassy bitch.
- Couldn't we just hide or something?
- How would this look?
A cozy dinner for two for three.
- I could see the headlines now.
Law student in love triangle.
- Let's go.
- Oh, oh.
- Aw.
- I'm okay.
I just fell down again.
Just we go this way.
- Ooh, ooh.
Willie.
Bear, bears.
- What? - Bears.
- Bears? - Bears.
- Don't worry, I'll save you.
- Bears.
Oh.
Aw.
Aw Willie, you shouldn't have.
- I didn't yet.
Come here, you wench.
You wench.
(bright music)
- [Man] So when the oil line leaks
onto the manifold you got to change--
- How much?
- Oh, not much.
Question is when.
- When?
- Got to get home.
Late already.
Call you folks a cab.
- A cab?
You mean all the way home?
- Nope, motel down the road up here.
- Help.
- Taxi.
- Taxi.
- Got you, young folks.
- The worst part is he was going this way anyway.
- How do?
What be your needs?
- Let's leave our clothes on.
Make it easy on ourselves.
- Yeah and I'll sleep in the middle.
- You don't mind if I read for awhile.
Can't go to sleep unless I read.
(upbeat music)
Think we better check outside.
- Why don't you go, Hunter?
You're closest to the door.
- Aris is dressed, too.
(upbeat music)
(hand knocking)
(upbeat music)
- I'm sorry, Hunter.
- I understand, especially after what I saw.
A teenage West Nile party.
A nude leap frog match for senior citizens.
Transvestites.
Animals acts.
- We thought we were kinky.
- We're just all American bland.
- Absolutely.
- Oh.
Hey.
Aris.
(gentle music)
- Though our visit was not very cheap,
we find we have no cause to weep.
For it's always fair weather with three friends together.
So, farewell, toodaloo and.
(horn beeping)
(bright music)
- Still busy.
- Let's go.
- Hunter, your neighbors.
- [Judith] Just order the pizza, you dork.
- My dork is your dork, Jude.
Hey, you got that, honey?
Salami, no green peppers, no anchovies.
- You're ruining my reputation.
- What reputation?
- Hunty, this is the third time this week.
- Another half hour, please?
- All right, you got until 10:52 exactly.
- [Judith] I want to have a monkey.
- You can always start without me.
The defendant on a triggy of marriage for his daughter
with the plaintiff signed a writing
comprising the terms of the agreement
and afterward designing to allude the force thereof.
And the defendant stood at the corner of the street
to see him go by to be married.
And afterwards forced the plaintiff
to bring his bill in this court to be relieved.
- Hey Nathan, what do you think
about those crazy, upstairs neighbors?
And what about Hunter changing his you know?
- Maybe it's a menage a trois.
- Hunter.
You better be crazy.
Hunter can hardly menage himself.
- Your carrying on out there certainly didn't help any.
But.
I told them I'm giving you two gourmet cooking lessons.
- I'm sure they bought that.
- Ate it right up.
(toys squeaking)
(upbeat music)
- Willie.
Willie.
There's a strange couple pacing back and forth outside
wearing nothing but raincoats.
- What?
Applicants of yours?
Aren't you getting a little lax in your standards?
- They're not and I'm not.
Are you sure they're not yours?
- Not mine.
They're Tech's.
They're that naked couple in the photo.
I'd recognize those anywhere.
- I'll get it.
It's just right in here on the coffee table.
- Ah. - Ah.
- Well, I suppose it was inevitable.
- Yeah.
They're such cut ups.
- You know, Tech darling,
these little menages never work out.
- Menage?
- What's a menage?
- I don't know.
(upbeat music)
(hand knocking)
- [Hunter] Come in.
Come in, it's open.
- Guess who?
Direct from the deep south.
Bethany DeBucklin Boyd Cranston Cordovan.
But hush it's a secret.
Big Daddy thinks I'm off with my sorority for the week.
Ooh and I hate to tell you, honey.
- He took back the million.
- Y'all don't mind, do you?
Good 'cause he really did take back that dirty old million.
He decided we needed at least three million.
One for y'all.
One for moi.
And one for a little old house to live in.
What's this three weeks, hon?
Only took me 33 hours to drive up here.
Ooh wee did I fly.
- That's for my landlords.
It's a little joke.
We have a sweetheart deal.
I take out the trash barrel.
I only pay three months rent per week.
I mean three weeks rent per month.
Yeah.
That's them now.
Now listen, they are a little weird
and they're very, very strict.
So, no pre marital hanky panky in their building.
I can't even let them know we're engaged.
- Surprise.
- So here's to our favorite guy.
He's almost deceptively shy.
But we got a notion for perpetual motion
is where we all see eye to eye.
- Aris is such a cryptic poet.
Hi, I'm Tech Houser.
- And her brother Aris Houser, my landlords.
This is Mary Beth Millions, Miller.
She's from my study group.
She came by tonight by mistake.
A foul up.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Well, we won't keep you.
- She can't leave.
Well, her roommate dropped her off
and so I invited her to join us.
- I didn't eat the whole trip.
- Trip?
- Yes, she's from off campus.
Way, way off campus.
(horn beeping)
Isn't that your ride, Mary Beth?
- Bye, y'all.
- She doesn't know enough about law to fill a thimble.
- But ooh wee she's a whole herd of woman.
- And with the three millions,
we can buy y'all any old apartment building.
- But not tonight, honey bunch.
- I'm not staying in a creepy old hotel.
I'll sleep in my car.
- Why don't you just take a spin around the block?
Maybe three, four, five times.
They'll be gone by then.
(tires screeching) (bright music)
- It's a bit much, Hunter.
- Inviting her to our anniversary dinner party.
- May God strike me dead if I ever knew
she'd drop in on us like that.
(thunder rumbling)
- Will you give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt?
- Every time I do, I regret it.
- If I listen to you anymore, I'll regret it.
That cake.
- It's all right.
- Then y'all guessed?
- Of course.
We women know.
- After all, we are engaged.
And we're both opposed to any pre marital hanky panky.
If my Big Daddy even knew I was up here visiting him,
he'd take back the three million.
Not that Hunter would mind.
He's such a sugar plum.
And I certainly don't want to alienate you and your brother
so Hunter loses his lease.
He already spends too much time away
from his studies dealing with your rubbish.
- Our rubbish?
- You know, the sweetheart deal.
Oh, I'm not betraying the confidence.
- Oh no, no, not at all.
It's refreshing to have a breath
of truth around here for a change.
Here.
Give this to Hunter.
It's for his headache.
- Oh, I didn't know he had a headache.
- He does now.
Go ahead, Hunter, kiss her.
It's my treat.
We're being used.
Until that billion dollar babe
delivers the check at graduation
and then it's bye bye Housers.
- Can we discuss this tomorrow?
- So you don't wanna discuss it?
It doesn't matter that it's vital.
You'll both be sorry.
(door slamming)
- Morning.
- Your friend and his friend
haven't stopped chattering down there.
- Well, as long as they're talking
they can't be doing anything.
- Oh?
- It's all right that we have to share you,
but god forbid you should ever have
to share either one of us.
Hey, if you wanna tie Hunter down, why don't you marry him?
- He'd marry me fast enough if I had a million.
He'll be sorry.
Some day my business will be worth twice that.
- Maybe I should marry Hunter.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You could be bridesmaid.
- Y'all don't wanna sit with moi?
(bright music)
- It's just too deliciously distracting having you here.
All that potential lust.
It's beginning to adversely affect my studies.
- The gasoline wash?
I could maybe do it outside somewhere.
- I'm being selfish.
Your family must really be missing you.
- Are y'all trying to let me down easy?
Big Daddy always said to beware
of fast talking Yankee lawyers.
- That's defense lawyers.
I'm in taxes.
- You're so cute.
I can't wait to have a dozen little ones just like you.
Watch you play daddy and I'll teach 'em to drive.
- I'd rather play with kids my own age.
- And a little old house way off
on the countryside with lots of dirt roads
and none of that big city depravity lurking about.
- Won't I have to go into the big,
depraved city to work though?
- Shoot, no.
You can hire some poor lawyer to do all that for ya.
(bright music)
- Boy am I beat.
I was up all night explaining without explaining.
- Yeah, we heard you.
- Well, what am I supposed to do
when my fiance arrives on my doorstep
after driving non stop for two days?
- Give me your tired, your cold,
your poor little old rich girls longing to get married.
- Tech's pretty angry, huh?
- She thinks you're tossing her over for the millions.
She said she's never gonna speak to you again.
- We'll see about that.
(clock ticking)
(bell ringing)
What I need is a brisk walk.
- I'll go with you, honey lamb.
- No.
The streets aren't safe and Big Daddy would never forgive me
if anything were to happen to you.
(hand knocking)
Come in, it's open.
And besides, Mr. Houser has just come by to sit with you.
- [Bethany] And Miss Houser?
- She's waiting to collect some rent.
- Where you going?
- The back way.
Fools the muggers every time.
- Big Daddy says ain't nothing like reading
to keep the mind off lust.
- Aris.
- Tech, you drive me wild.
- Rent was really late.
- Got quite a temper.
- You win over jilted lovers, you womanizer.
- Sh.
Ow.
- I better go rescue him.
- [Bethany] Who?
- The tenant.
- I can't wait to rescue poor Hunter
before Big Daddy gets upset with him, too.
He's the first fiance to last this long.
Oh and I'm gonna name all my kids
after all my ex fiances.
So it'd be Billy Joe Cranston Gray
and Ashley Debucklin Gray.
That could be either a boy or a girl.
And Ret Cordovan Gray.
- To be trapped inside a normal looking body.
- I do.
It's because you've unleashed its primitive outlet.
- Yeah, you and Aris unleashed your own primitive outlets.
- And Peyton Debuckland Gray.
That's another boy girl combo.
Ooh and Brett Jo Bob Gray.
And Charles Terry Gray.
- Well I have had it.
I'm going back to a simpler life.
- And Calvert Debuckland Gray.
And Rayford Stuart Gray.
- I wouldn't marry you if you paid me three million dollars.
- Oh and Samuel River Gray.
(door slamming)
- Can't you two behave like mature adults
for one afternoon in your life?
- We could've used that money.
- We almost had it.
- Yeah, well we would've had it
if you hadn't sprayed Mr. Crater.
- It's your fault you ducked.
Besides, you made a play for his secretary.
- I did not make a play for the secretary.
I really did have something in my eye.
- Listen, the point is we have lost five contracts
and now a bank loan over your damned feuding.
- I do not feud.
- [Courtney] Aris.
(hand knocking)
Are you home?
- Don't come too close.
I'm contagious.
- Is it, you know, down there?
- Aris, too.
But he asked me to give you this.
They're fine.
He wrote the address and phone number on the back
if you're interested in collaborating.
The tales I tell for you.
- The tales you've told us.
So, why can't you get rid of Bethany?
- Well, she's not as receptive.
Well, she shows up earlier than Big Daddy expects,
he might find out where she's been and cut her off.
Cut me off anyway.
- Well, tell her to drive slowly.
(ducks quacking)
- Well, the point is your mother's not a happy woman
and I thought well one way of making her happy
would be for me to quit, bow out,
and settle down with a good woman.
- After all these years?
Well you have no idea.
This is so wonderful for the business.
For you.
- You don't think it's too absurd?
The idea of the two of us getting married.
- You and mother?
- No.
- Me?
- [Willie] Yeah.
- I thought you were talking about mother.
I mean, she's crazy about you
and I always thought that you.
Me?
- Well, think it over.
Let's keep a good thought.
- Me?
- Like I said, I'm willing to quit.
Well, not quit.
Go into product development.
Research.
(duck quacking)
- Still no answer.
- She can't really mean it.
- Marriage is one thing our Tech does not joke about.
- No, I mean about the baby.
- Baby?
- Well, you read the note.
- Circumstances compel me to marry immediately.
- She's always eating those pickles
and being so damned emotional about Bethany.
- My baby being raised by Willem.
- Your baby?
My baby.
Hunter's baby bit of luck Gray.
- Just a minute now.
I knew Tech first.
- Yeah, well so.
(phone ringing)
- Babs.
- She's in Maine.
- Babs, where the hell are you?
Shut up.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, not you, Hunter.
- Well, I tried to call earlier,
but the line was always busy.
(horn beeping)
He's gonna leave without me.
(horn beeping)
I'll try but you hurry.
- All right, we'll hurry.
- Well?
- I'm calling the airlines.
- I get air sick.
- Don't think I don't know what you're doing,
you old spoil sport.
- Why Willie, whatever do you mean?
I'm delighted you're gonna be my son in law.
Maybe now I'll get some respect.
- It's good enough to eat.
Mr. Houser and I have a surprise for you.
A picnic.
- Does he always have to be with us?
Can't we ever be alone?
- You know I can't trust myself,
but when we're married they'll be plenty
of lonely times then.
(bright music)
- Do y'all have a restroom?
- No.
- Can I have the key to your restroom?
- Bethany, Bethany, there are bears here.
- Hunter.
- No, Bethany.
Bethany, bears.
- Hunter.
I never heard of bears in restrooms.
(bright music)
- What happened to the oars and oar locks?
- I can't imagine who could've done such a terrible thing.
- Why don't we just not go out there
and have the wedding here on shore?
- No island, no wedding.
- Well, my children, if we all prayed very hard
perhaps we could walk across.
(tires screeching)
- I'm fit to burst.
Is this it?
- Just pick a bush.
It's fine.
- What about those bears?
- They don't come this far north.
The cold hurts their sinuses.
- We're just gonna go get some firewood.
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered together
on this darling day to join in holy matrimony
these two darling people.
- Hey, ain't nothing here needs cooking.
Y'all ready?
I'm hungry enough to eat a bear.
(bear growling)
(woman screaming)
Help, y'all.
(horn beeping)
- There really are bears, you know.
(horn beeping)
- God help them.
(bear growling) (woman screaming)
- Babs.
Good old Babs.
- Yeah.
(bright music)
- [Minister] And if any man can give reason
why these two darling people--
- Could we just wait for just a few moments?
- [Bethany] Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
- Shall we continue?
- Please do.
- And if any man can give reason
why these two darling people should not be joined together.
- Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
- I'm sorry.
Could you repeat the question?
- It's fairly simple.
Do you Tech take this darling man, Willem,
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- I.
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- I don't know.
- But Tech you said that we.
- I know.
Well I said that you should settle down with one good woman.
- Do you mean to tell me that you do not want
to marry the second darling man
you've brought before me, darling girl?
- Well, just a minute.
A woman needs time to think about these things.
- Hunter.
Where's the damn motor?
- Oh, Aris, thank goodness.
Now for god sake, will you marry her?
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- I can't.
- You love Tech, don't you?
- Well sure, don't you?
- Do you Tech take this darling man, Willem,
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- Stop.
All right.
All right.
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- Tech, will you marry me?
- Any other offers?
- It'll be the same as ever.
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- I just have a better business head.
- Hunter.
- Could we begin again?
- Certainly not.
I came here to be married and I'm going to.
- You certainly are.
It's about time he made me an honest woman, isn't it Otto?
- [Minister] Do you--
- Babs.
Yes, I do.
Willem?
- [Man] Out here to show your declaration of love
with your departed Otto.
- Oh why the hell not?
- Hunter.
(bright music)
Hunter.
- I'm sorry, Bethany, but your lustful fiance
got my sister pregnant and I forced him to marry her.
- Oh.
- It's better for you this way.
- Well, Big Daddy always said--
- Are you gonna spend the rest
of your poor little old life listening to Big Daddy?
Watch y'all go off and race cars for God's sake.
Why you're a natural.
- Y'all really think so?
- Well Big Daddy said.
Oh screw him, the old poop.
(bright music)
Woo wee.
Yahoo.
(bright music)
- Hunter, you'll manage the company.
The day to day stuff and all the legal matters.
And you, my fine poet.
You'll write all the ad copy and brochure copy.
- As long as I can do it at home
and take care of the baby, too.
- Baby?
Well maybe after awhile.
- Aren't you?
- No.
Not yet.
(bright music)
(bright music)
- Look.
Looky, looky, looky.
(woman screaming)
(bright music)
- Good persons, we've all made this trek
to validate Aris and Tech.
They trade acrimony for sweet matrimony
as strong as tequila and sec.
Or sex, is it?
(birds squawking)
(energetic music)
(door slamming)
(birds squawking)
(gentle music)
- My.
- Is that good or bad?
- How 'bout both?
Haven't you ever wanted to be so bad it was good?
- Courtney.
(phone ringing)
Oh.
Hello?
Oh, hi, sweetheart.
You miss me already?
- I said how about if I--
- Oh, I'm sorry, hon.
I'd love to take you to lunch, but I can't.
Of course I still love you.
No, Courtney's not still here.
- [Tech] Aris?
Aris?
- Come on, Court, are you buying or not?
- You, any day.
- 50 bucks.
For the poems, that is.
- Okay, I give in.
What would greeting cards be
without your clever little poems?
Seal the deal with a kissy poo?
- No.
- Too tired to rhyme, lover?
- No, she's got a temper that's rare.
Makes her act like Scarlett O'Hara.
Now, I'm no Clark Gable.
I've got the soup ladle.
And what's in it I think she should wear.
- You took Courtney to lunch today, didn't you?
- Whoa, you gave me this shirt for Christmas.
- Well I'm taking it back.
- Oh, what this dish needs is a little flaming
to spice her up.
- [Tech] Put me down.
Aris, all right, okay.
- Little bit of salt.
This needs a meat tenderizer.
Where's the meat tenderizer?
Here it is.
Mix it all in.
Bake at 450 for 90 hours.
- [Tech] What?
- It's all done.
(hand knocking)
Magnificent.
Oh, oh.
Hang on now, dear.
We've got company.
Coming.
- [Tech] Listen to me.
Would you just listen to me?
- Hi.
The law takes concentrated study.
- Yeah, right.
- [Tech] Put me down.
- Now, Mr. Tullis is clearly the wrong party in this case.
- I knew it.
Always assuming the male to be the aggrieved party.
- Hey, I like Hunter's attitude.
It's conservative but satisfying.
(bright music)
♪ Da da da da da da
- She purposely denied it, shall we say?
Access to her marital bed.
So poor Mr. Tullis cracked.
(bright music)
(classical music)
Tullis versus Tullis.
♪ La la la la la la
- Defendant alleges that Mrs. Tullis repeatedly denied him.
At least read through the case while I'm up there.
(classical music)
- Hey, way to go, Hunter.
You gotta curve those lusty ethnics.
- Good God.
Now what?
- You wouldn't know.
You probably won't even do it when you're married.
- Oh, give him a chance, Nathan.
He's saving himself for Miss Mega Bucks, aren't you Hunty?
- Okay.
Sex one, the law zero.
Shall we call it a night?
- Sure, but do take some time off, Hunter.
You could use some social intercourse.
- Yeah.
Intercourse.
- [Hunter Voiceover] Soft whispers and a caress.
Your Shangri La awaits.
Attractive female.
Single, white female with wild woman tendencies.
Must appreciate special guy for intimate sessions.
(bell ringing)
Aggressive, fun loving couple seeks similar couples
for good, clean adventures.
Hose, garters, and light spanking a must.
No diseases.
(classical music)
- No, wait a minute.
If you go, nobody'll get any sleep.
(classical music)
- Come in.
Come in, it's open.
(classical music)
- It's still too bloody loud for a Saturday.
Morning.
Not bad.
- That's it.
Nourishment, music.
Why waste a perfectly good day lazing about in bed?
- But, see I was up all night last night.
- So was I, but I was studying.
(classical music)
- Oh, so anyway.
With one fell swoop, I could've married Aris.
Gotten control of the business.
Dumped Willem.
Farmed out mother.
Here.
Try this now.
But Aris refused on principle.
- Well I think you're world class.
If he doesn't marry you, I should.
- What about Miss Mega Bucks?
- You're a much better cook.
(classical music)
Hi.
- What's the matter?
Haven't you tongue lashed him enough yet?
- We've got seafood bisque.
Oh and fresh muffins.
- And coffee cake.
(classical music)
- Not bad.
- [Babs] I know she's got to be here.
- [Willie] She's not here.
- Oh, she knew you were coming and she took off.
- Yeah, probably.
(hand knocking)
- Tech.
Where could she have gone?
I'm getting concerned about it.
Tech.
- Can we go now?
- Where do you think she is?
- I don't know where she is.
Can we go now?
(upbeat music)
- Hunter.
We're here.
There's nobody in there.
- Where is he?
- He's probably out with friends.
- Hey, we're his only friends.
(upbeat music)
- Aris.
Aris.
Damn poets.
Don't have responsibilities.
Impossible.
(upbeat music)
- Pile.
And go.
On point.
(upbeat music)
Very good, very good.
- What you getting so upset about, Willie?
She's a young woman.
She has to have time to herself.
- Tech.
- Let her be.
Willie, let's go out to dinner.
- Tech.
- Well I'm going out to dinner.
Chinese food.
Two from column A.
Three from column B.
- All right, I'll go with you.
- I don't want you to go with me.
- I'm going with you.
Don't give me this stuff.
(upbeat music)
- And now second place is long pile.
Can you do the honors?
- Yeah.
- Peck gazette.
(toy squeaking)
- Oh sorry.
Force of habit.
- I didn't know you had a dog.
- I don't.
These are all mine.
From my parents mostly.
World class dog people.
I'm just their most special doggy.
When they think of me at all that is.
- Ooh.
- [Hunter] Wanna know my real name?
- An alias.
I knew it.
We've been taken in by a fiendish criminal.
- Hunters Bit of Luck Gray.
Scout's Honor.
- Oh hey, what's Miss Mega Buck's lineage?
- Miss Mega Buck's is my little nickname.
Bethany DeBucklin Boyd Cranston Cordovan
is just a wee bit long.
- She must really be something with a kennel name like that.
- Does she like to do it doggy style?
- Doggy style?
- Doggy style.
You know.
With the.
- Don't even joke about that.
Big Daddy is very uptight about sex.
Or is it Bethany?
- You mean you don't know.
- Well you don't get to be law review editor
without giving up a social life.
I've led a very sheltered existence.
- You're still--
- No.
Not everybody can be a wild poet.
- Her previous fiance put his arm around her
in front of Big Daddy.
He's still in a neck brace.
Me, I'm playing it safe.
- And rightly so.
We can't lose a fellow gourmand just when we found him.
- So.
Here's to a doggy named Gray,
whose prospects are looking quite gay
'cause law clients' millions and Bethany's billions
are coming to soon save the day.
- That's all marriage is to you, isn't it?
A business deal.
Maybe Hunter wants to marry Bethany for herself.
Did you ever think about that?
Some people are willing to commit to other people
even if it means accepting the good with the bad.
I mean the bad with the good.
Well whatever it is, you're not capable of it.
- Must've been the champagne.
- Well, so much for social intercourse.
(bright music)
- [Hunter Voiceover] Sensuous, good looking,
special, secure, discriminating, fun loving,
intelligent, warm, creative, slim couple
seeks similar couple or gutsy woman for blatant wild sex.
(bright music)
- Your turn to fetch, Ari.
- Can't you two take pity on me and call a truce?
Here I am the gray sum total of a bland past,
a boring present, and a bleak future in the law,
and then finally I have the chance to participate
in some genuine social intercourse.
Some fun and romance however vicariously.
And you two blow it over a case of wedding jitters.
- Not me.
Aris.
He backed out.
- So?
In Doris Day movies, the girl goes out
and gets the guy so crazy with hot blooded jealousy
that he's all over himself proposing.
- I'm not Doris Day.
- Well hey, he's no Rock Hudson,
but I bet he can get just as jealous.
Okay sandwich maker.
Get ready to take on two gourmet cooks.
Come on, Doris.
One, two, three, four.
- [Aris] Hey.
- Just a second.
Me racket's out of tune.
- Not for this was the number.
- Watch this.
- I call set.
This yours.
Whoa.
And this is a career of a war back.
Geez.
- [Aris] Tech's turn.
- All she needs is some kind of commitment.
Doesn't have to be marriage.
Just a firm feeling that you'll stay with her.
- She already has that.
- Yes, but does she know it?
You should play it up like one of those gothic novels.
Get her all heated up with harmless flirtations
and then drop 'em and pledge your own dying love.
She'll forget all about marriage.
- [Aris] Well even if you're right,
Tech's just not the jealous type at all.
- [Hunter] Shall we try?
Boys versus girl.
(bright music)
- [Tech] Come on, you guys.
- Got it. - Got.
- Good shot.
(bright music)
- Your turn, Hunt.
(bright music)
- Truce?
- Truce.
- Poor doggy Hunter not having someone like you around.
- And you're not falling for his bland past,
bleak future bit, are you?
- All right, all right, he's exaggerating,
but still he could use some fun.
Something to look back on.
- [Tech] He'll be married soon.
- [Aris] All the more reason
to help him broaden his experience.
- What?
- You know Hunter, Aris and I may have our little problems,
but we survive them because we bring
so much experience to the relationship.
- Right.
You gotta really live before you settle down.
- I've thought a lot about that.
I wanna be prepared and all.
No, it's just too late for me.
- Oh, come on.
You're a free man 'til you graduate in June.
- And we know lots of nice women.
- No, thanks.
It would interfere with my studies.
- You would do better.
- Let's say you're right about my needing experience.
Wouldn't it be best if I dove right in
for maximum effect I mean?
Of course I would never dare get involved
in anything like this alone,
but with you two experienced people.
- Well, we're really not that experienced.
- Right.
Right, that's a little out of our league.
- Oh but then maybe we could all benefit
from a few new and novel experiences.
You're both so wonderful together
and not a jealous bone between you
and it would mean so much to me.
- I guess so.
Sure.
- Sure.
(upbeat music)
- Afraid I'll bite?
- Oh no.
No, it's my friend downstairs.
- Wouldn't your little friend downstairs
like to meet my little friend downstairs?
- Oh god, no.
No, Courtney, no.
No.
- No.
Aris.
Aris.
- Hunter.
- I'm sorry. - Listen.
- I didn't realize.
- I need to borrow some pants.
- [Courtney] Aris, where are you?
- Oh yeah, sure.
- Okay.
- Aris, I gotta talk to you.
- Okay.
- You know the personal ad?
- Uh huh.
- I had the responses sent to Tech's office.
- Okay.
- Well, I couldn't have 'em sent here.
It would ruin my career.
- Hunter.
- Yeah.
- Get the pants.
- [Courtney] Aris, where are you?
- Tech, darling.
I'm pleased to see that you're taking an interest
in our search for an assistant.
- Yes, well listen.
We'll evaluate these and then get back to you
with our recommendations.
- Very promising.
She's young.
Attractive.
Well educated.
- Oh my goodness.
It's a.
Well it's an interesting approach.
Modern.
- [Babs] Let me see.
- No, no.
- [Babs] Let me see.
- No, no, no, no.
- Well I get to vote.
Let me see the floozy.
- It's not a floozy.
It's a couple.
- Used to interacting one to one or in groups.
Good, good.
Why do we care how fast she can type?
- Well, we wouldn't have to give them a clothing allowance.
- Oh mother, I can explain.
- It's my research project for law school.
I'm a law school.
Law student.
And I'm currently studying office skills legally
in relation to observable levels of lint on clothing.
The theory being that the motivation work factor
is inversely proportional to observable levels of lint
found on the clothing of office workers.
You two for instance.
Yes, more truly definitive evidence
of the work motivation lint factor.
- This is dandruff.
- Oh yeah, just divide by two.
Same formula, yes.
Well, very good.
Carry on.
- Ooh.
I don't think you're ready for them, Hunter.
I'd start easy.
- Yeah, maybe next week.
Well this one's quite tasty.
I want your hot dog in my toasty bun.
- Ixnay.
- How's this?
Hi lovers, I'm Sherry and I'm stacked.
So is my friend Eve.
- Well.
- Professionals.
Pass.
- I'm your basic horny jock.
I'll knock your socks right off.
- Nice.
- Nope, nope.
No single guys.
It might throw off Hunter's perspective.
- Right.
Stick to the basics.
Oh look, this couple has a dog.
Wouldn't my parents be thrilled?
- All right look, Hunter, this is all for you,
so you decide okay, but keep it simple.
- And pass on the animal acts.
- Wait, you guys.
Here's the best one.
- Hunter, this is really weird.
You usually don't do this kind of thing
in the middle of the afternoon.
- It was the only time I could make a reservation.
These people are booked up for weeks on end.
(hand knocking)
There's my fun couple now.
- And Stella here is pretty talented,
but that broad really blew my horn
if you know what I mean (laughs).
- Tech's very musical, too.
- Let me get you another drink.
(upbeat music)
- Hey Stel, remember that lion tamer couple we had?
What scars, huh?
- Wow.
- I could certainly use another drink.
(upbeat music)
- But Christ Almighty that bowling team
we had topped 'em all (laughs).
- All right, let's stop beating around the bush.
You folks into rubber goods?
Bondage and discipline?
Golden showers?
Have you been bad?
Do you need a spanking?
- Well nothing heavy, mind you,
but a good spanking might make my muscle grove.
You know what I mean?
- I sure do.
Hunter and I slap each other around a lot.
Yeah I'm sure Tech here could whip little Stella into shape.
- She's not into that stuff.
Stella here's real straight ahead if you know what I mean.
- Oh yeah.
Let's take vote.
Have we got corn?
- Yes.
- Okay.
How many people for same sex bonding?
Cross collateral interdigitation.
- Doggy style.
- Yeah.
- Naked tobogganing.
Bottom shocks.
Okay.
Oral history.
- Look.
The only thing I want around my hot dog
is the bun that God intended and you know what I mean.
Come on, Stel.
- Well, we can do better, but let's not get too fussy.
You can't retouch a Polaroid.
Believe me, he's for real.
And one look at him will have Aris proposing on the spot.
- Yeah but what about her?
She's no ugly duckling.
- Don't worry.
I'll take care of her.
- All right, Hunter, you're gonna sprain something.
- I'll take a break.
Wanna see it?
- Yeah.
Man.
Tech is gonna blow a gasket.
- With volatile material like this
strutting around your place, marriage is a dead issue.
- You know he's not exactly Frankenstein.
- Yeah, but he's got nothing on us.
- These people are late, Hunter.
- They phoned and said they were still packing.
(hand knocking)
There's our fun couple now.
- Our fun couple? - Our fun couple?
- Hi.
I'm Ronnie.
Ronnie Rox.
R-O-X.
- And Bonnie.
Bonnie Bocks.
B-O-C-K-S.
- I'm Hunter.
Hunter Hay.
H-A-Y.
- And I'm Techla Tray.
T-R-A-Y.
- I'm Plato.
Plato Play.
P--
- Okay, who wants to play?
- Me.
- Come on you guys.
This is my big chance.
And one experience like this
can improve a whole lifetime together.
- Okay kids, changing time.
Okay.
Girls in here.
Boys in there.
- Ooh, we're gonna have funsies.
- First one dressed gets Techla.
I win.
- How did you manage so quickly?
- Practice, little man.
Practice.
- Toys now, Ronnie, toys.
Bonnie wants to play with the little toys
and the little boys.
- Okay, Bonnie B.
You take the little boys into the bedroom.
Techla and I will take the bathroom.
(bright music)
- [Aris] How much longer, Bonnie?
- [Hunter] Oh please hurry.
- Not peeking, are you?
- Oh, I think I have a fever.
Wanna feel?
- I said no peekskies.
Nursie may have to give you a shot.
- Okay, open Ronnie's big bathroom door and come on in.
(bright music)
Wanna play with my ducky?
- Put your hands above your head.
Come on.
Now close your eyes.
Close your eyes.
Okay.
Nursies got a big surprise.
♪ Do do do do do do do do
♪ Do do do do do
♪ Do do do do do do
♪ Do do do do do do
- Are the big boys ready to take their medicine now?
- Me first, nursie.
You promised.
- No.
You were a bad boy.
Putting that naughty thing near me.
- It's not my fault, nursie.
It has a mind of its own.
- Then we're just gonna have to teach it a lesson.
Aren't we?
(bright music)
- There.
Now we're all nice and squeaky clean.
Ready for the main event?
- I hate damp, gritty sand.
- Not in here, Techy.
In the kitchen.
- [Hunter] No.
- Aren't you ready for something big
and thick and creamy dreamy?
(group laughing)
- [Aris] Oh cut it out.
Please all right.
- Sure.
Let's get down and dirty.
- Oh cut it out.
(bright music)
- Oh help.
Hunter, Aris, help.
Oh my god.
Get him.
Get him.
Hunty.
- Excuse me, I'm sorry.
- Take that you jerk.
(group laughing) (bright music)
- [Courtney] Aris.
Aris.
(group laughing) (bright music)
- Hey Hunter, you in there?
Hunter?
- [Judith] Hunter?
- [Willie] Tech?
- Hide me.
Hide me quick.
- Tech.
Willie, why didn't you warn me?
(bright music)
- I'm gonna take a shower.
- We're gonna get caught.
Let's go.
(bright music)
- Gas.
- The gas gauge is unreliable.
- More, sir?
Need a map, sir?
Change that oil, sir?
- Well, whatever it needs.
- Anything I can get for you, young lady?
- No thanks.
- My love for you is really quite new,
but darling it's horny and true.
I'm through with that old love as one with a cold glove
and I'm anxious to slip into you.
Bye, Courtney.
- Come on.
- The scene of the crime of the century.
- Hey, come on.
We were both spared to rash decision.
- I'm glad I did something right.
All right, you two start unpacking.
I'll go break in.
- Hey, we're here to relax.
What's he always rushing around for?
- I'm sure it's nothing serious.
- [Tech] What's nothing serious?
- Nothing.
- Hunter.
What the hell are you trying not to tell me?
- It's all my fault.
I'm to blame for getting him so wired up.
All those sexual meetings that went nowhere.
And Courtney.
- Courtney finally got to him?
Well that two timing bastard.
- Honest Tech, I'll do anything to help you two patch it up.
Absolutely anything.
I'm not gonna regret this, am I?
- Woo.
Oh.
- God sakes, he can see us.
- Oh it'll do him good.
Come on, you ever done this before?
Come on.
Gotta get down real close.
Swing it.
Oh.
- Ow, ow.
Something bit me.
- It was me, silly.
- It was I, dammit.
- No, it wasn't.
I bit him.
- She disturbing you, Hunter?
- No.
No, not really.
- [Tech] Whoa.
- [Hunter] Jackpot.
- [Tech] Oh my god.
- [Hunter] Don't splash.
Don't splash.
Stop it.
- Almost finished with my poem?
- Almost.
I wanna make sure you get your just desserts.
- Dessert.
That's a good idea.
Why don't you go out and get some lobsters and desserts?
- I'll gladly go get them.
- No, let Aris go.
He's already dressed.
Oh, and can you get us some beer, too?
- Oh, you are really going too far.
He is gonna haul off and kill me.
- Oh, what I've got planned will kill him.
Then he'll propose just like you said, boy genius.
(gentle music)
- Not champagne.
You know what that does to you, Tech.
- One little glass won't matter.
(gentle music)
Skol.
(gentle music)
(bright music)
- Tech.
Tech.
- What?
- It was a diesel.
- Oh well.
(bright music)
That's no diesel.
(bright music)
- Tech.
False alarm.
(bright music)
Tech.
I better stop.
- Not now.
- I better stop.
- Not now.
- Oh, come back, Hunty.
(bright music)
Oh, Ari.
- Are we decent?
- Oh.
- Oh.
Hi.
I was just studying.
Sorry about Tech.
I couldn't stop her.
You know me.
No real influence with the ladies.
(gentle music)
Don't kill me.
I didn't touch her.
- Sh.
(gentle music)
It's me, Techy.
- Please go away.
(gentle music)
- He's passed out.
(gentle music)
- Are you sure?
(gentle music)
(bright music)
- Even if he does know, he deserves it.
That two timing twit.
- Tech.
Yo, Hunt.
Aw come on, guys.
- Ah, thought I'd grab some color.
- Yeah, you do look a little pale,
but then Tech can be exhausting, right?
- Always was allergic to green things.
Grass.
Parsley.
Veggies.
Envy (laughs).
Little joke there.
- You know what I should do with you?
- Torture and disfigure me
and ruin any chance of my law career.
- [Aris] Take you to my secret place.
- Just how secret?
- Oh very.
Very secret.
I go there when Tech and her family become impossible
and now what we need is just a little bit of time off.
You know, just the two of us alone.
Maybe get to know each other a little bit more.
- Not so fast, you two timing twit.
Where do you think you're going with my lover?
- Nowhere, Tech.
He's all yours.
- Not you, yo yo.
You.
You can play around with Courtney,
then Hunter's fair game, too.
- Who's playing around with Courtney?
Hunter.
- Oh come on, Aris.
All those lovey dovey little phone calls.
- You mean my calls into her answering machine?
I was just trying to sell her a poem.
- Well, since I'm not married.
- And I'm not either.
So it's all perfectly legal.
- All right, just listen, will ya?
I've given this a lot of thought.
We're just gonna have to be adult and work it out.
Somehow.
(bright music)
- There.
A little legal research and it'll be ironclad.
- All right, now how do we know you aren't
gonna slip in some legalize favoring you?
- Hunter, this reads like a lease.
- Brilliant, huh?
Brings it all down to the basics.
Aris is the lessor and I'm the lessee.
How's our schedule Big A?
- Well I worked it out to basic two hour shifts.
- That's not very long.
- Obviously designed for quickies.
- I know you shouldn't complain.
You get both of us.
See, we only each get you.
- Oh well, why don't you spend some time
with each other now and then.
I might need a break.
- Okay, we're changing on the even hours and it's 1:37 now.
That gives you two 23 more minutes.
- Can't we go on the odd hours?
- Now see, you're going first.
- Well, how 'bout if I?
- All right.
All right.
I'll be back at three.
Sharp.
(bright music)
Well what kind of a choice did I have?
What would you have done?
Yeah.
Bet this one's got you tongue tied, too, huh Otto old boy.
Me too.
Well look, half of Tech is better than none at all, right?
It'll only be until he graduates and Hunter's a super guy.
What?
Five minutes since the last time you asked me.
This way a little bit.
This way.
Oh.
- Ooh.
Oh gosh, you okay?
- Yeah.
Yeah.
- Stay there, stay there.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
I'll get you.
Stay there.
Ah vest.
- Silly car.
Who left that there?
- Maybe it's a present.
Maybe it's for us.
- I don't want it (laughs).
- This way.
Okay.
Okay.
Okay.
- Dinner for two.
Ah may we.
- Off we go.
There you go.
Go 'head away.
I got you.
I got you.
I got you, I got you.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Oh my god. - What?
- Bears, Willie.
Bears.
Bears.
- Oh, don't worry.
I'll protect.
I'll protect you.
Oh, come on.
Look out.
Okay, here we go.
Don't hurt yourself.
- Cancel that reservation.
- We're jumping ship.
- My steamed lobsters.
- We're all gonna be steamed if we don't move your ass.
Now come on, let's grab your things.
- It's Babs and Willem.
- Here together.
- Off with you.
Off.
Off and away.
Off, you sassy bitch.
- Couldn't we just hide or something?
- How would this look?
A cozy dinner for two for three.
- I could see the headlines now.
Law student in love triangle.
- Let's go.
- Oh, oh.
- Aw.
- I'm okay.
I just fell down again.
Just we go this way.
- Ooh, ooh.
Willie.
Bear, bears.
- What? - Bears.
- Bears? - Bears.
- Don't worry, I'll save you.
- Bears.
Oh.
Aw.
Aw Willie, you shouldn't have.
- I didn't yet.
Come here, you wench.
You wench.
(bright music)
- [Man] So when the oil line leaks
onto the manifold you got to change--
- How much?
- Oh, not much.
Question is when.
- When?
- Got to get home.
Late already.
Call you folks a cab.
- A cab?
You mean all the way home?
- Nope, motel down the road up here.
- Help.
- Taxi.
- Taxi.
- Got you, young folks.
- The worst part is he was going this way anyway.
- How do?
What be your needs?
- Let's leave our clothes on.
Make it easy on ourselves.
- Yeah and I'll sleep in the middle.
- You don't mind if I read for awhile.
Can't go to sleep unless I read.
(upbeat music)
Think we better check outside.
- Why don't you go, Hunter?
You're closest to the door.
- Aris is dressed, too.
(upbeat music)
(hand knocking)
(upbeat music)
- I'm sorry, Hunter.
- I understand, especially after what I saw.
A teenage West Nile party.
A nude leap frog match for senior citizens.
Transvestites.
Animals acts.
- We thought we were kinky.
- We're just all American bland.
- Absolutely.
- Oh.
Hey.
Aris.
(gentle music)
- Though our visit was not very cheap,
we find we have no cause to weep.
For it's always fair weather with three friends together.
So, farewell, toodaloo and.
(horn beeping)
(bright music)
- Still busy.
- Let's go.
- Hunter, your neighbors.
- [Judith] Just order the pizza, you dork.
- My dork is your dork, Jude.
Hey, you got that, honey?
Salami, no green peppers, no anchovies.
- You're ruining my reputation.
- What reputation?
- Hunty, this is the third time this week.
- Another half hour, please?
- All right, you got until 10:52 exactly.
- [Judith] I want to have a monkey.
- You can always start without me.
The defendant on a triggy of marriage for his daughter
with the plaintiff signed a writing
comprising the terms of the agreement
and afterward designing to allude the force thereof.
And the defendant stood at the corner of the street
to see him go by to be married.
And afterwards forced the plaintiff
to bring his bill in this court to be relieved.
- Hey Nathan, what do you think
about those crazy, upstairs neighbors?
And what about Hunter changing his you know?
- Maybe it's a menage a trois.
- Hunter.
You better be crazy.
Hunter can hardly menage himself.
- Your carrying on out there certainly didn't help any.
But.
I told them I'm giving you two gourmet cooking lessons.
- I'm sure they bought that.
- Ate it right up.
(toys squeaking)
(upbeat music)
- Willie.
Willie.
There's a strange couple pacing back and forth outside
wearing nothing but raincoats.
- What?
Applicants of yours?
Aren't you getting a little lax in your standards?
- They're not and I'm not.
Are you sure they're not yours?
- Not mine.
They're Tech's.
They're that naked couple in the photo.
I'd recognize those anywhere.
- I'll get it.
It's just right in here on the coffee table.
- Ah. - Ah.
- Well, I suppose it was inevitable.
- Yeah.
They're such cut ups.
- You know, Tech darling,
these little menages never work out.
- Menage?
- What's a menage?
- I don't know.
(upbeat music)
(hand knocking)
- [Hunter] Come in.
Come in, it's open.
- Guess who?
Direct from the deep south.
Bethany DeBucklin Boyd Cranston Cordovan.
But hush it's a secret.
Big Daddy thinks I'm off with my sorority for the week.
Ooh and I hate to tell you, honey.
- He took back the million.
- Y'all don't mind, do you?
Good 'cause he really did take back that dirty old million.
He decided we needed at least three million.
One for y'all.
One for moi.
And one for a little old house to live in.
What's this three weeks, hon?
Only took me 33 hours to drive up here.
Ooh wee did I fly.
- That's for my landlords.
It's a little joke.
We have a sweetheart deal.
I take out the trash barrel.
I only pay three months rent per week.
I mean three weeks rent per month.
Yeah.
That's them now.
Now listen, they are a little weird
and they're very, very strict.
So, no pre marital hanky panky in their building.
I can't even let them know we're engaged.
- Surprise.
- So here's to our favorite guy.
He's almost deceptively shy.
But we got a notion for perpetual motion
is where we all see eye to eye.
- Aris is such a cryptic poet.
Hi, I'm Tech Houser.
- And her brother Aris Houser, my landlords.
This is Mary Beth Millions, Miller.
She's from my study group.
She came by tonight by mistake.
A foul up.
- Oh, that's too bad.
Well, we won't keep you.
- She can't leave.
Well, her roommate dropped her off
and so I invited her to join us.
- I didn't eat the whole trip.
- Trip?
- Yes, she's from off campus.
Way, way off campus.
(horn beeping)
Isn't that your ride, Mary Beth?
- Bye, y'all.
- She doesn't know enough about law to fill a thimble.
- But ooh wee she's a whole herd of woman.
- And with the three millions,
we can buy y'all any old apartment building.
- But not tonight, honey bunch.
- I'm not staying in a creepy old hotel.
I'll sleep in my car.
- Why don't you just take a spin around the block?
Maybe three, four, five times.
They'll be gone by then.
(tires screeching) (bright music)
- It's a bit much, Hunter.
- Inviting her to our anniversary dinner party.
- May God strike me dead if I ever knew
she'd drop in on us like that.
(thunder rumbling)
- Will you give the poor guy the benefit of the doubt?
- Every time I do, I regret it.
- If I listen to you anymore, I'll regret it.
That cake.
- It's all right.
- Then y'all guessed?
- Of course.
We women know.
- After all, we are engaged.
And we're both opposed to any pre marital hanky panky.
If my Big Daddy even knew I was up here visiting him,
he'd take back the three million.
Not that Hunter would mind.
He's such a sugar plum.
And I certainly don't want to alienate you and your brother
so Hunter loses his lease.
He already spends too much time away
from his studies dealing with your rubbish.
- Our rubbish?
- You know, the sweetheart deal.
Oh, I'm not betraying the confidence.
- Oh no, no, not at all.
It's refreshing to have a breath
of truth around here for a change.
Here.
Give this to Hunter.
It's for his headache.
- Oh, I didn't know he had a headache.
- He does now.
Go ahead, Hunter, kiss her.
It's my treat.
We're being used.
Until that billion dollar babe
delivers the check at graduation
and then it's bye bye Housers.
- Can we discuss this tomorrow?
- So you don't wanna discuss it?
It doesn't matter that it's vital.
You'll both be sorry.
(door slamming)
- Morning.
- Your friend and his friend
haven't stopped chattering down there.
- Well, as long as they're talking
they can't be doing anything.
- Oh?
- It's all right that we have to share you,
but god forbid you should ever have
to share either one of us.
Hey, if you wanna tie Hunter down, why don't you marry him?
- He'd marry me fast enough if I had a million.
He'll be sorry.
Some day my business will be worth twice that.
- Maybe I should marry Hunter.
- Don't be ridiculous.
- No, no, no, no, no.
You could be bridesmaid.
- Y'all don't wanna sit with moi?
(bright music)
- It's just too deliciously distracting having you here.
All that potential lust.
It's beginning to adversely affect my studies.
- The gasoline wash?
I could maybe do it outside somewhere.
- I'm being selfish.
Your family must really be missing you.
- Are y'all trying to let me down easy?
Big Daddy always said to beware
of fast talking Yankee lawyers.
- That's defense lawyers.
I'm in taxes.
- You're so cute.
I can't wait to have a dozen little ones just like you.
Watch you play daddy and I'll teach 'em to drive.
- I'd rather play with kids my own age.
- And a little old house way off
on the countryside with lots of dirt roads
and none of that big city depravity lurking about.
- Won't I have to go into the big,
depraved city to work though?
- Shoot, no.
You can hire some poor lawyer to do all that for ya.
(bright music)
- Boy am I beat.
I was up all night explaining without explaining.
- Yeah, we heard you.
- Well, what am I supposed to do
when my fiance arrives on my doorstep
after driving non stop for two days?
- Give me your tired, your cold,
your poor little old rich girls longing to get married.
- Tech's pretty angry, huh?
- She thinks you're tossing her over for the millions.
She said she's never gonna speak to you again.
- We'll see about that.
(clock ticking)
(bell ringing)
What I need is a brisk walk.
- I'll go with you, honey lamb.
- No.
The streets aren't safe and Big Daddy would never forgive me
if anything were to happen to you.
(hand knocking)
Come in, it's open.
And besides, Mr. Houser has just come by to sit with you.
- [Bethany] And Miss Houser?
- She's waiting to collect some rent.
- Where you going?
- The back way.
Fools the muggers every time.
- Big Daddy says ain't nothing like reading
to keep the mind off lust.
- Aris.
- Tech, you drive me wild.
- Rent was really late.
- Got quite a temper.
- You win over jilted lovers, you womanizer.
- Sh.
Ow.
- I better go rescue him.
- [Bethany] Who?
- The tenant.
- I can't wait to rescue poor Hunter
before Big Daddy gets upset with him, too.
He's the first fiance to last this long.
Oh and I'm gonna name all my kids
after all my ex fiances.
So it'd be Billy Joe Cranston Gray
and Ashley Debucklin Gray.
That could be either a boy or a girl.
And Ret Cordovan Gray.
- To be trapped inside a normal looking body.
- I do.
It's because you've unleashed its primitive outlet.
- Yeah, you and Aris unleashed your own primitive outlets.
- And Peyton Debuckland Gray.
That's another boy girl combo.
Ooh and Brett Jo Bob Gray.
And Charles Terry Gray.
- Well I have had it.
I'm going back to a simpler life.
- And Calvert Debuckland Gray.
And Rayford Stuart Gray.
- I wouldn't marry you if you paid me three million dollars.
- Oh and Samuel River Gray.
(door slamming)
- Can't you two behave like mature adults
for one afternoon in your life?
- We could've used that money.
- We almost had it.
- Yeah, well we would've had it
if you hadn't sprayed Mr. Crater.
- It's your fault you ducked.
Besides, you made a play for his secretary.
- I did not make a play for the secretary.
I really did have something in my eye.
- Listen, the point is we have lost five contracts
and now a bank loan over your damned feuding.
- I do not feud.
- [Courtney] Aris.
(hand knocking)
Are you home?
- Don't come too close.
I'm contagious.
- Is it, you know, down there?
- Aris, too.
But he asked me to give you this.
They're fine.
He wrote the address and phone number on the back
if you're interested in collaborating.
The tales I tell for you.
- The tales you've told us.
So, why can't you get rid of Bethany?
- Well, she's not as receptive.
Well, she shows up earlier than Big Daddy expects,
he might find out where she's been and cut her off.
Cut me off anyway.
- Well, tell her to drive slowly.
(ducks quacking)
- Well, the point is your mother's not a happy woman
and I thought well one way of making her happy
would be for me to quit, bow out,
and settle down with a good woman.
- After all these years?
Well you have no idea.
This is so wonderful for the business.
For you.
- You don't think it's too absurd?
The idea of the two of us getting married.
- You and mother?
- No.
- Me?
- [Willie] Yeah.
- I thought you were talking about mother.
I mean, she's crazy about you
and I always thought that you.
Me?
- Well, think it over.
Let's keep a good thought.
- Me?
- Like I said, I'm willing to quit.
Well, not quit.
Go into product development.
Research.
(duck quacking)
- Still no answer.
- She can't really mean it.
- Marriage is one thing our Tech does not joke about.
- No, I mean about the baby.
- Baby?
- Well, you read the note.
- Circumstances compel me to marry immediately.
- She's always eating those pickles
and being so damned emotional about Bethany.
- My baby being raised by Willem.
- Your baby?
My baby.
Hunter's baby bit of luck Gray.
- Just a minute now.
I knew Tech first.
- Yeah, well so.
(phone ringing)
- Babs.
- She's in Maine.
- Babs, where the hell are you?
Shut up.
No, no, no, no, no.
No, not you, Hunter.
- Well, I tried to call earlier,
but the line was always busy.
(horn beeping)
He's gonna leave without me.
(horn beeping)
I'll try but you hurry.
- All right, we'll hurry.
- Well?
- I'm calling the airlines.
- I get air sick.
- Don't think I don't know what you're doing,
you old spoil sport.
- Why Willie, whatever do you mean?
I'm delighted you're gonna be my son in law.
Maybe now I'll get some respect.
- It's good enough to eat.
Mr. Houser and I have a surprise for you.
A picnic.
- Does he always have to be with us?
Can't we ever be alone?
- You know I can't trust myself,
but when we're married they'll be plenty
of lonely times then.
(bright music)
- Do y'all have a restroom?
- No.
- Can I have the key to your restroom?
- Bethany, Bethany, there are bears here.
- Hunter.
- No, Bethany.
Bethany, bears.
- Hunter.
I never heard of bears in restrooms.
(bright music)
- What happened to the oars and oar locks?
- I can't imagine who could've done such a terrible thing.
- Why don't we just not go out there
and have the wedding here on shore?
- No island, no wedding.
- Well, my children, if we all prayed very hard
perhaps we could walk across.
(tires screeching)
- I'm fit to burst.
Is this it?
- Just pick a bush.
It's fine.
- What about those bears?
- They don't come this far north.
The cold hurts their sinuses.
- We're just gonna go get some firewood.
- Dearly beloved, we are gathered together
on this darling day to join in holy matrimony
these two darling people.
- Hey, ain't nothing here needs cooking.
Y'all ready?
I'm hungry enough to eat a bear.
(bear growling)
(woman screaming)
Help, y'all.
(horn beeping)
- There really are bears, you know.
(horn beeping)
- God help them.
(bear growling) (woman screaming)
- Babs.
Good old Babs.
- Yeah.
(bright music)
- [Minister] And if any man can give reason
why these two darling people--
- Could we just wait for just a few moments?
- [Bethany] Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
- Shall we continue?
- Please do.
- And if any man can give reason
why these two darling people should not be joined together.
- Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
Hunter.
- I'm sorry.
Could you repeat the question?
- It's fairly simple.
Do you Tech take this darling man, Willem,
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- I.
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- I don't know.
- But Tech you said that we.
- I know.
Well I said that you should settle down with one good woman.
- Do you mean to tell me that you do not want
to marry the second darling man
you've brought before me, darling girl?
- Well, just a minute.
A woman needs time to think about these things.
- Hunter.
Where's the damn motor?
- Oh, Aris, thank goodness.
Now for god sake, will you marry her?
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- I can't.
- You love Tech, don't you?
- Well sure, don't you?
- Do you Tech take this darling man, Willem,
to be your lawfully wedded husband?
- Stop.
All right.
All right.
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- Tech, will you marry me?
- Any other offers?
- It'll be the same as ever.
- [Bethany] Hunter.
- I just have a better business head.
- Hunter.
- Could we begin again?
- Certainly not.
I came here to be married and I'm going to.
- You certainly are.
It's about time he made me an honest woman, isn't it Otto?
- [Minister] Do you--
- Babs.
Yes, I do.
Willem?
- [Man] Out here to show your declaration of love
with your departed Otto.
- Oh why the hell not?
- Hunter.
(bright music)
Hunter.
- I'm sorry, Bethany, but your lustful fiance
got my sister pregnant and I forced him to marry her.
- Oh.
- It's better for you this way.
- Well, Big Daddy always said--
- Are you gonna spend the rest
of your poor little old life listening to Big Daddy?
Watch y'all go off and race cars for God's sake.
Why you're a natural.
- Y'all really think so?
- Well Big Daddy said.
Oh screw him, the old poop.
(bright music)
Woo wee.
Yahoo.
(bright music)
- Hunter, you'll manage the company.
The day to day stuff and all the legal matters.
And you, my fine poet.
You'll write all the ad copy and brochure copy.
- As long as I can do it at home
and take care of the baby, too.
- Baby?
Well maybe after awhile.
- Aren't you?
- No.
Not yet.
(bright music)