Beethoven's 3rd (2000) - full transcript

What are you doing?
Dad said I was family videographer.

I'm documenting our journey.

We're not going on a journey, Sara.
We're going on a very long drive.

Nuh-uh. Dad said
we're taking a journey.

Does the RV have a power port
for my laptop?

We're on a budget, and the economy model RV
might not even have a toilet,

but I'm sure it has
a cigarette lighter.

Power port, Mom. We don't say
cigarette lighter anymore.

We also don't walk around
with a milk moustache...

no matter how much
it accentuates our booger-nose.

Sorry. I'm too excited
about our trip.



Mom, Dad has been quoted
as saying this is gonna be
the funniest vacation ever.

Can we get your reaction?

Driving across country
to a family reunion, cooking, cleaning,

organizing and budgeting
is not fun and not a vacation.

Yet, it's what I do
with my free time.

Oh, no!
Ew!

No, please.

Thank you.

- No!

Not my gnomes!

He got the biggest one
they had.

Now, this... is camping!

Dad, it is so cool!

You like it?
Go check it out.



You think that's cool? Wait till your friends
drive by pointing and laughing at you.

Then we'll see how cool you think it is.
Brennan.

Maybe one of them had just told a joke.
Did you consider that?

Yeah. The joke was,
« Look, everybody,

Brennan Newton's going
on a vacation with his family in a bus.»

God, how lame is that?

Even Jessica Donnelly saw me.

Hey, Brenn, your friends are all probably
gonna stay in hotels this summer.

We're gonna sleep beside pristine lakes
in the great outdoors.

And the beauty of it is,
this rig has everything!

So you'll never even know you left home.
That's just it, Dad.

It's home,
but smaller for two weeks.

I don't even wanna go
on this stupid trip anyway.

- I didn't budget for this, Richard.
- I know, I know.

Just look.
Come on. Just look.

I need a new tape.
Okay. Just look.

We can't afford this, Richard.

No way!
Is that a DVD player?

Yep, and a fridge/freezer,
tub / shower,

blender/food processor,
power ports for Sara's computer,

and check this out.

Instant hydraulic
emergency brake.

You touch that baby, and this coach comes
to a total standstill in half a second.

And what, we go sailing
through the front window?

Spring action shoulder strap
seat belts, honey.

It doesn't get any safer.

Oh.

You don't have to worry about
scrubbing it top to bottom.

It's brand new.
We're the first renters.

Very, very funny.
How much?

Oh, uh, I don't know.
I'd have to look at the rental agreement,

but just think how much
we'll be saving...

in restaurants, hotels,
room service, room service tips.

Exactly how much is this dream house
on wheels costing us?

Oh, Richard, that's twice
what we planned to spend.

A little more, actually,
with insurance.

Oh, right.
Beth, I'm sorry.

I couldn't help myself.

I wanna relive one of the great
experiences of my childhood with my family.

Uh, well, speaking of family,
your brother George called from Europe.

Huh! Let me guess. He said
they're not gonna make it to the reunion.

No, they're gonna make it, but they wanted us
to bring something there for them.

It's gonna be delivered this morning.
What?

I couldn't hear what it was. It was a cell phone.
You know, bad connection.

Huh. Hey, you see there? The extra storage capacity
is already saving us headaches.

You're pushing it, Richard.

Hi. Yeah, uh,
we would like to purchase...

a DVD copy of The Shakiest
Gun in the West, please.

Are you familiar
with that title?

1967, written by James Fritzell
and Everett Greenbaum.

Genre: comedy/western.
Directed by Alan Rafkin.

Starring Pat Morita as Wong,

Jackie Coogan as Basch,
Barbara Rhodes as Penelope Cushings...

and, of course, Don Knotts
as Jesse W. Heywood.

That
Shakiest Gun in the West ?

Yes, that's the one.
One copy, please.

- We're sold out.

Excuse me.
That's nasty.

This is way out of control.
It's too complicated.

I said let's steal the operating
system and deliver it in person,
but you said no.

Let's put it on a DVD
that nobody ever buys,

stick it in a video store
and deliver it that way.

And?
And...

somebody bought the DVD
that nobody was supposed to buy.

Oh, God,
we're in so much trouble.

Okay. We already spent the money
that we got from Mr. You Know Who.

Oh, my God. Do you know
what Mr. You Know Who...

is going to do to us when he finds out
that somebody else has the you know what?

No, what?
I'm kidding.

I'm a joker. We are dead if we don't
get that DVD back!

Okay, William,
calm yourself.

Observe the master.

Hello, there, Quentin.
I'm wondering,

how long to order a copy of
The Shakiest Gun in the West ?

That would be about
six to eight weeks.

Oh, that's bad.

Maybe we can order a copy
from the guy who ordered it from you.

Yes, may we have his name,
address and telephone number?

Dude, what do I got, like Federal felony
written across my forehead or something?

Could you, perhaps,
see if you have another copy?

We don't.

Could you check, please?
C-C-C--

Okay, man. Whatever.
Just cool your jets.

What? Tommy, what are you doing?
That is completely illegal.

I'm an idiot.

Yes, yes you are, but fortunately
for both of us, I am a genius.

Begin the countdown.
Ten, nine--

Richard Newton, 1715 Hauser Street.
Blast off, baby.

You hacked their system
in two seconds.

That is a new record.
I don't believe it.

That is why you fail.
Stupid you are.

I hope you have a nice summer.

I didn't know Jessica Donnelly
was your girlfriend.

Well, she was gonna be
before this whole stupid trip.

But now she won't ever be.
Hey, are you filming me?

- Dad said I gotta document everything.
- Give me that!

- No!
- Give me the camera, Sara!

No! I got to document
everything!

Come on! Give it!
Brennan, stop terrorizing your sister.

- Tell her to give me the tape.
- When she gets big, she's gonna kick his butt.

Give me the camera, Sara!
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, you guys.

Mom, she was-- You guys. No, Sara's just
doing her job, okay?

And nobody's gonna go running into the RV,
making a mess of everything I just loaded.

Now, organization is the key to happiness
on this trip, okay?

But, Mom, she was-- Brennan, this trip
is really important to your father,

so could you just
try and act ex cited?

Fine.

So, Brennan, Dad said this is gonna be
the funniest vacation ever.

Can we get your reaction?

I'm gonna tell you did that.
- Boat's hooked up.

- House is locked up.
- Give me that!

- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- Let's hit the road, Newtons.

- You two!
- Wait. Wait. I almost forgot.

What's that?

On my motor home vacation,
my dad did this for us.

It made us feel
like a real team,

and, well, I want you
to feel the same way.

Great. That's great.

Okay. Okay!
Everybody turn around.

Turn around.
Turn around.

What do you think?

Cool, huh?
This is so lame.

Okay. Oh, wait.
There's more.

What do you got, Dad?

One of the best things
about my motor home vacation...

was when we stopped
at a drive-in.

We sat on the roof of the RV
in our pyjamas,

ate popcorn and watched
The Shakiest Gun in the West.

Who's Don Knotts?

Don Knotts?

Thanks, Mr. Newton.
What is it?

You don't know.

- No.
- Good luck!

Ooh, Sara,
it's gonna bite you.

Dad.

What did I agree
to bring with us?

Uh, Brennan, open it.

Why me?
Because you're a trained Boy Scout.

You're prepared,
and you're closer.

No, I'm not.
Just do it. Open it.

What?

What, are you chicken?

He's huge!
Don't slobber on me! Don't!

Get him away! Get him away!
Get him, Brennan! Get him!

- Honey! Honey!
- Did you see the size of that dog?

Oh!
Oh!

I'm okay. I'm all right.

- Daddy!
- Richard!

- It's not my fault.

Beethoven, come here, boy.

Oh, my God!

Oh!

Do you see anything?
No! They must have been tipped off.

Tipped off!
Are you sure?

Hmm, on this particular day,
they go to that particular video store...

and get that particular copy of that particular movie
that no one else has ever rented.

Look,
switch to decaf, okay, babe?
Open your eyes.

These people are professionals.
Professionals.

When my dad took me on my motor
home vacation, we had a dog with us-Spartacus.

It was great!
Spartacus was a Chihuahua.

That sheds a trash bag
full of hair every day.

This is one part of your boyhood trip
you're just not gonna get to relive. No way.

Okay. Vote, then.

All in favour of bringing Beethoven with us,
raise your hand.

All opposed?

A tie.

Okay, let's flip for it.
No, we won't.

The dog is not going.
Look,

he's already caused us $ 200
worth of damage in the RV.

No. And we're gonna
have to feed him.

You know I'm gonna end up
cleaning up after him.

Richard, we're gonna take him
to a kennel,

and then George and Alice can have him
shipped from there, okay?

Okay. All right.
I understand.

You wouldn't put Ryce, Ted
or Emily in a kennel.

And Beethoven's our cousin too.

How are we gonna get that DVD from them, huh?
By any means necessary.

You know what?
I think Sara is right.

The only decent thing to do here
is let Beethoven take my place on the trip.

I mean, I guess
I'll have to stay home.

Nice try, Brennan. Come on.
We're all hitting the road.

What about that dog? That's
gotta be a trained killer.

Veterinarian animal
tranquillizer.

Any more stupid questions?
Tommy, this looks complicated.

Now, you are sure
that you know how to use it.

Excuse me. Which one of us
is the stupid one?

Me? Sorry.
Yes. That would be you.

Item number one:
When we get into the hou--

They see us!
Move!

Out of my way!

Let's go, Newtons. Come on.

We're leaving now. Come on.
We're gonna hit the road. Let's go.

They're on the road.

What?

I felt a great disturbance
in the force,

as if seven gnomes cried out
at once and were silenced.

Let's roll.

Hurry up! Hurry up!
They're in front. I see them.

Okay. Stay behind them.
They're right in front.

Don't lose them, or we're dead.
Okay. Losing, death, bad.

He'll be okay, honey.

Dogs check in, but they don't check out.
Shut up, Brennan.

You know, we could drive
right by your school.

Sorry, sorry, Dad.

- Bye, Beethoven.

Let's take 'em.
Okay.

Come here, boy.
Come here, boy.

Come here. Hey!
Come back here!

Hold this!

Oh, with the hurting!
Oh, that's not good.

- Whoa! Good doggie!

Good doggie.
Good doggie, good doggie.

That dog trashed the car.
Just don't tell my mom.

It's covered in cement.

Don't tell her.

She's gonna know.

- What the heck was that? - Probably somebody's
vintage gnome collection...

that they'd painstakingly put together
for the last ten years of their life.

I said I was sorry.

It was probably a dog someone didn't want
on their vacation, and Dad just ran him over.

Shut up, Brennan.

Sweetheart,
Beethoven will be just fine,

even though your mommy made
him stay in that terrible place.

Oh, thanks a lot, Richard.

You're welcome, honey.
Okay, who wants to sing road songs?

No? Okay.

Honey, why don't you show your mom
that great trip route we programmed?

That's enough, Brennan.

If we make the schedule, we should be able
to hit Black Bart's Village by Thursday.

You're gonna love that.

Richard, you planned this entire trip
practically to the minute.

You have a map for every inch
of highway we're gonna travel...

and a schedule of stops
and attractions.

Okay, I'm impressed.

This is great.
Yep.

- Brenn, what are you doing?

I'm gonna watch that movie. I can't believe
I'm gonna watch it, but I'm gonna.

Two hours into the trip,
and you're already bored?

It's not my fault, Dad.

I can get anywhere I want in the world
with just a few keystrokes, but I'm not.

I'm watching it crawl by
through the window of a bus.

It wasn't that different
when I was a kid.

We didn't have computers, but we had
clubhouses. We used to build clubhouses.

- What's a clubhouse, Dad?
- Never mind. Just watch the movie, Brennan.

- Dad, this disc is a reject.
- What?

Oh, that was supposed to be one
of the highlights of the trip.

He'll come around.
Just give him time.

Richard, what was that?
Mmm, just a branch.

Oh, yeah!

It's beautiful.

And they sure keep it clean.

Let's get the boat unhitched
and start having some fun!

Okay.

Man!

I don't remember this thing
being this heavy.

- Brennan, come here
and give me a hand. - Doing fine, Dad.

Beethoven, come here!

Richard!

Richard!

I'm okay. I'm all right.

I'm okay. I'm all right.

No, no, no.

No, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

Dad, Beethoven saved you.
He's a hero.

Sara, I was in three feet
of water.

Okay. I'm calm now
and clean.

You did this on purpose,
didn't you?

What? Let the towing hitch
hit me in the hmm-hmm?

Threw myself in the lake
and sunk the boat?

No, you snuck Beethoven in the boat
and you towed him here with us.

You did, Dad? Thanks!

Ah, you're welcome sweetheart.
No!

Wait a minute.
I didn't do that.

Look, Beethoven obviously
got away from the kennel,

jumped in the boat
and hitched a ride here.

Pretty smart dog.

He's an untrained, drooling hair ball.
Beethoven, sit.

See? Now what
are we gonna do with him?

Set him free.
He'll be fine in the wild.

- He's as big as a bear.
- Dad, no!

Dad! -Don't worry. There are
no bears here, Brennan.

I don't see any other choice.
We have to take him with us.

- Oh, joy.
- All right.

The minute Beethoven causes me extra work,
he's walking to California.

That's fair.
That's very reasonable.

So what happened
to the boat?

Uh, it's--
They took it away.

He completely totaled it?
No...

but enough.

Look, it wasn't really
all his fault.

Sara, let's take the dog for a walk.
He was in the boat for a long time.

Come on, Beethoven.
Brennan, come with us.

How much did you get for it?
What? The boat?

No, the shards of fiberglass
that we used to call the boat.

I had to pay them
to take it away.

Oh. Mm-hmm. Oh.
Okay. That's great.

No, I'm gonna walk him.
What are you doing?

I'm adding up everything
that Beethoven's cost us...

so I know how much to charge George and Alice
when we get to the family reunion.

Beethoven!

Sara, I wouldn't let him
chase that thing.

- Beethoven, stop!

Brennan!

That's gonna stink!

Ooh!

Sir, we've had some complaints
about your dog.

I'm sorry. He's a house dog.

- He doesn't get out much.

Really? Well, look,
it's against park regulations...

to allow fraternization between
the domestic animals and the wildlife.

And from the smell of your dog,
he's been fraternizing. Really?

Yeah, just keep him confined
to the campgrounds,

and, please, get him cleaned up;
he reeks.

How do I get rid
of the smell?

Well, there's only one way
I know for certain.

Uh-huh?
Tomato sauce.

Any particular kind
of tomato sauce?

Something with basil
would be nice.

No, no, no!
Beethoven!

Oh, no! Stop! Stop!

Go throw him in the lake!

Watch the coffee, dude!

Ice coffee.

Oh, I told you
they'd never get away from me.

Do you remember how they used
to laugh at me in school, William?

All the time. Especially the time when you were
in gym class, and you peed your pants--

Well, who's laughing now,
William?

I don't know. Who?
Okay. Here's the plan.

We wait until night. Then we waltz
in under cover of darkness.

Yes, and when the family
is asleep,

we grab the DVD
and make a stealthy retreat.

That's a good plan.
I know it's a good plan, because I made up the plan.

You don't have to explain--
What?

It's brain freeze!
Half a cup next time, dude.

Okay, Beethoven.
Including the tomato sauce, the mop...

and the boat, so far
you've cost us $ 2,754.

You're enjoying this, aren't you?
So you got any money?

Do you have a job?
That's what I thought.

Mom, listen to this.
I found a great St Bernard web site.

The St Bernard dog is named after
the St Bernard Pass high in the Swiss Alps.

The most famous St Bernard
was named Barry,

and he saved the lives
of 41 people.

Wow.

The last person he saved was a little boy
trapped on an icy ledge.

Barry carried the boy back
to the monks at the hospice,

20 miles through the deep snow.

Oh, my gosh!
Mom, look!

He looks just like Beethoven.

He does.

Let's see. Now where--

There he is,
right where he landed.

Just one tooth.
Okay, time for bed.

Come on. Are you sure Beethoven
is gonna be okay outside?

Honey, didn't you tell me
he was built to live in the mountains?

- But what if he gets lonely?
- He won't get lonely, honey.

Good night, sweetheart.

- Mom?
- What, honey?

Why do you hate Beethoven
so much?

Oh, honey,
I don't hate Beethoven.

I, I just haven't had a chance
to get to know him yet.

Maybe by the end of the trip.

- Promise?
- I, I promise.

Good night.

Wow, we got to put this
on the itinerary.

A life-size peanut butter
sculpture of Abraham Lincoln.

Beth?

I used to be a nice person.

You're still a nice person.
I don't feel like I am.

Remember the summer
after we got married?

- Mm-hmm.
- You and me and the motorcycle.

That seems so long ago.
Honey, it wasn't that long ago.

I used to be
an adventurous person.

I think you need to get back in touch
with that side of yourself.

What side?

The not worry, adventurous,

messy side.

I can be messy.

Well, what do you call that
tomato sauce bath I had today?

A good start.

Good night, Beethoven.

Shh! Shh! Shh!

Shh! Shh! Okay, okay.

Hey, hey. Remember. These things are
250 times more sensitive...

than the human eye,
so do not look into any lights.

Okay, no lights.
All right. Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.

Why are we wearing these capes?

They are cloaks, William, and
with them we become invisible,

blending into our surroundings
like moon shadows between the trees.

Lock it up.
Come on.

Tommy, Tommy, Tommy.
Why are we wearing the canisters, again?

Emergency smoke screens.
Okay.

Listen. These things
are highly pressurized and highly odiferous.

Only use them in an emergency.
No, don't touch it.

Repeat after me.
I will hold in my gas, Tommy.

I will hold in my gas, Tommy.
Good.

Follow me. Single file.

Tommy.
There's only two of us.

Are you arguing with me, mister?
No! Single file.

Okay. Shh! Be quiet!
I am being quiet!

Shut up!
Hold still!

Hold still! Up!
Up! Up! Push!

- What do you see?
- Two kids sleeping.

The disc, Bill.
Where is the disc?

I see it! I see it!
It's right there!

Oh, that is really cool, Tommy.
Where did you get that?

You're on a need-to-know basis,
and I don't believe you need to know.

Tommy! That big dog!

I, I, I--

- I gotta go tinkle.
- Control yourself.

You don't need to destroy us.

- Your powers are weak, old dog.

You are the good puppy.
Yes, you are the good puppy.

We love the puppy.

-Here they go again.
Will you shut your dog up?

You over there!
By the camper!

The lights!
Don't look at the light, William!

Abort!
Activate smoke screen!

Release your gas, William!

Tree! Oh, where's the car?

Can't see!
I see it! Let's go!

Okay! Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!

Don't worry! Oh!
Get in! Get in!

- Let's go! Go! - Shut up!
You're waking up the whole campgrounds!

You're going the wrong way!
No, I'm not. Shut up!

Okay, watch out for the lake!

- We're very sorry, Officer.
- That's, uh, Rang er.

Officer Rang er
It won't happen again, Officer.

Rang er.

Officer Rang er.

If it happens again, I'm gonna have to escort
you and your dog off the grounds.

He's not our dog.

If it's not your dog, I'm gonna
have to impound the stray right now.

What my son means is,

is it's not our dog...

in the sense that you can't
really truly own an animal.

We're all God's creatures.

Well, look,
just keep your dog quiet.

Yes, Officer Ranger.

Sorry about that, fellow campers.
Situation under control.

Good night.

Come on, come on, come on.
- I don't believe it.

He is one of God's dumber creatures.
He's not dumb.

He saw something. That's why
he howled. He was warning us.

- What are you talking about?
- Two men.

I saw them drive away, and I recognized
them from across the street at our house.

And they were following us.
It's official. She's dreaming.

- I'm serious.
- Maybe he's just lonely.

He is out here
all by himself.

Let's go in.

No, no, no, no. Beethoven's
staying outside tonight, and so are you.

- What? - Honey, if he barks again,
they'll make us leave.

- You have to.
- Oh, come on!

Sweet dreams, sweetheart.

Beth! Beth!
Hey, keep it down!

- Here you go, Dad.
- Thanks, sweetheart.

It's for Beethoven, Dad.

Beethoven, you're the best dog
anyone could ever ask for.

You are the strongest
and bravest dog that ever lived.

Golly, Beethoven,
you're my best friend.

Best friend.

It's a free-range wienie, boy!
Go get it!

Go away!

No! No! Bad!
No, no, no!

Nice doggie!

- Help!

Stay away, doggie!

Excuse me.
Where is all the cereal?

Beethoven was hungry,
so I fed it to him.

All ten boxes? He's a big dog,
Brennan, in case you didn't notice.

Okay, okay.
Stop arguing.

We'll make a dog food stop.

Hey, Brenn,
I found your hat.

It was behind the sofa.
Now, how did it get behind there?

- Alarmed. Oh, ho, ho.
They're good. - God!

Hey, why don't you and I
get some coffee over there?

Let them do the shopping.
Okay.

Um, all right, Brennan.

Be sure to get a receipt, and get enough
dog food to get us to California.

Okay?
Right.

Watch after your sister, now.
Hey!

Thanks, Dad.

Okay, kid has the keys.
I will pick his pocket,

deactivate the RV alarm
and grab the disc.

What about that dog?
That stupid dog is still there, Tommy.

It's big doggie
night-night time.

Ha! Oh!
I thought I told you to check for fish.

I did. I swear.
This has got to be the last one.

Stay here.

I wonder if they have
those doggie power bars here.

Here, you just go get the stuff.
I'm gonna wait out here.

But Dad told you to do it.
Sara, you're old enough.

I think you can handle it.
Yes, I can.

I know this isn't how you thought
the trip would go so far.

It's not how I thought
it would go either.

I just want to say I'm sorry.

Oh, Richard,
it hasn't been that bad.

Okay, it's been bad,
but it's the dog's fault, not yours.

You know, I still think
there's plenty of laughs to be had...

on this vacation if we just
forget about Beethoven.

That's right!
That's it!

That's exactly what we'll do.
We'll forget about Beethoven. Yeah.

Excuse me.
You like Hello Kitty?

Um--

So, Ensign?
Is that your name?

A-Actually, it's Brennan.
Brennan Newton.

- Hi. - It wasn't mine.
It was my little sister's.

I mean, it was
for my little sister's friend.

He's much more entertaining
than Spartacus was on a vacation.

Then again, maybe not.

Haven't I seen you before?

Uh, yeah, I think
we saw each other on the road.

- Beethoven!

- Dumb dog!

God.

Brennan, are you all right?

That-- Uh, I'm fine!
Wait a minute!

What happened? Beethoven just jumped
all over me for no reason!

God, he's messing up
my life!

That's good, honey.
We got to go now.

Mister, is that your dog?

How much?

I'll add it up.

Man's best friend.

Sorry, boy.
Boss' orders.

I don't know. It was Black Bart's Old-Time
Western Town when I was a kid.

-Hi. -Welcome to Sumotown
How many?

Uh, two adults and two kids.

Hey, what happened
to the old-time Western town?

Eh, bankrupt.
We bought it in the early 90s.

Hasn't exactly been a cash cow,
we thought. We're selling off.

You wanna make an offer?
Oh, oh, no, thanks.

We're just gonna catch
the showdown on Main Street.

Hey, there still is
a Main Street showdown, right?

Heck yeah, partner.

Right down there.

What?

It's Black Bart. See the hat?
Can see a lot more than that.

He's gained a few pounds.
Shh.

Boy, this really takes me back.

To where, Dad?

Dad, why is he looking at me?

Black Bart says,
«What did you call me, boy?»

Is he serious?
I didn't say anything?

Well, I think you did, partner.

I think you called him a liar.

Mmm.

Black Bart says...

you are a yellow belly,
lowdown,

gutless,
tenderfoot coward dog.

Are you gonna take that?
Yeah, I am, Dad.

I'm not gonna do that.
No, I'm not gonna--

No! Dad! Dad!

It's only acting, Brennan!

Come on! Come on!

Go, Brennan! Go!

Oh, it's okay, honey.
Honey, they're not hurting him.

Brennan! Brennan!

Brennan!
Brennan! Brennan! Brennan!

No! No!
Don't swing me! No!

I'm gonna get sick!

Yeah!

That a boy! Sumo warrior man!

Tommy,
tell me the truth.

Does this suit
make me look fat?

Whoa!

Listen to me.
Daddy Newton has the key.

We're gonna sandwich him
between our sumo bellies,

and when I'm going, «Sorry, excuse me,»
and he's going, «That's okay,»

you pick his pocket,
and you take the key.

What about that stupid dog?

Tommy, I had another nightmare
about him last night.

You are wearing a high-density foam,
fully-naked sumo suit.

You are immune to dogs.

Okay. Blend.

Hey, hey, what's the matter, pal?
What's the matter?

I can't believe you just did that to me.
I've never been this embarrassed.

They were laughing.
They loved it.

They were laughing at me, Dad.

I just thought you'd enjoy
doing something I did when I was a kid.

Dad, this place was lame 30 years ago,
and it's even worse now.

Did you like it
when you were a kid?

Yes.

Yes, of course.

D--
Stop, you idiot.

I'm sorry, Dad,
but this, this whole trip...

has been nothing but Boresville,
and it hasn't even been a week yet.

Thank you.

- Beethoven, no! Stop!
- Beethoven, sit!

Beethoven!

You call that boring?

Beethoven, stay!

What happened?
Oh, strangely, Beethoven ran away again.

Get in! Get in!

I told you we should
have taken your mom's minivan!

Good job.
Come on, Beethoven.

So what did Black Bart say?
I don't know.

He took my cheque, though.
Those barrels are apparently antique.

It was those guys again.

Here we go again.
The bad guys are following us.

Shut up, Brennan.
Brennan, be nice to your sister.

Sweetheart, remember when you thought
that blanket in the closet was a grizzly bear...

or when you thought the neighbours
were stealing your pyjamas?

What's your point, Mom?
Honey, those bandidos were just actors.

How come no one believes me?

No one
except for you, Beethoven.

Beethoven!

- Hey, that's my pack!

- Is that your dog?
- Yeah, sorry.

Actually, he's mine.

Oh, hi, again.

Hi.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I wish we could have brought
our dog on our trip,

but he had to stay in a kennel
till we got back.

A kennel?
That's tough.

I think putting a dog
in a kennel is just... cruel.

That's what I told my parents.

So, I'm Brennan.

I know.
We met before.

Oh, right.
Um, sorry.

It's okay. We kind of
got interrupted before.

Um, I'm Penny.
So, where you guys headed?

Some family reunion
in California.

I got another week and a half
stuck in that RV with my family.

Tell me about it. This has been
our most boring vacation ever.

- The worst. - My dad is on some mission
to give us a killer vacation.

I know. My dad's gone totally
insane over this trip.

My whole summer's gone--
wasted.

And by the time I get back,
it's gonna be time for school again.

Yeah, same here.

Well, I'm down there.

Bye.
Bye.

- Good night.
- Good night.

So, ask her
for her phone number.

Shut up, Sara.

That's a good idea. Here.

I was gonna ask, you know.

Um, here's my itinerary too.

Maybe we'll stay at
the same place again. Maybe.

Okay.

Bye.
Bye.

Good night.
Bye.

Bye. Let me hold him.

Why? You don't like him.

What are you talking about?
I love dogs.

Especially St Bernards.
Whatever.

No, Beethoven. Don't do that!

Just get him away.

Oh! Oh!
You fed him what?

Oh, look at this!
He burned a hole in the couch.

Who fed him eggs?

Beethoven!

- Beethoven!

Oh!

It's totally clogged
with dog hair!

We have to find the main
junction sewage control.

That's the only way we're gonna
dump the waste water now.

- Can I just say one thing?
- Yes, you can.

And you know what you can say?
You can say,

«I will not open my big fat mouth,
Tommy, until we find the DVD !»

Tommy, listen, we have been following
those Newtons for a very long time now.

Duh, whiny pants.
You think I don't know that?

Well, I don't know what you know,
'cause you said it was gonna be so easy.

So help me God, if you don't shut up,
I will make you eat sand.

What are we doing?
We are having a problem.

Yeah, yeah, I know that! It's been like a week,
and we don't have the DVD yet!

I will make you eat sand!
We're having tyre trouble!

We're not having tyre trouble.
The tyres are perfectly fine.

You just pulled over
and jacked up the car why?

You popped two tyres,
and we only have one spare.

Lord, you gave him brains,
but he does not think.

You gave him a mouth
which he never shuts up!

Listen to me,
you brussels sprout.

With two slashed tyres,
it's twice as likely...

that the Newtons will
pull over to help us.

So, we will
wave them down,

ask them to take us
to the nearest gas station,

and while we are on board the RV we will take
the disc without anyone knowing.

Blast off!
What? What, what?

Your plan is brilliant, Tommy.
I'm, I'm, I'm sorry that I doubted you.

Oh, it's okay. I know.
It's just I need coffee.

You know, Dad, I was thinking
it might be fun to stay at a hotel for a night.

No way.
They don't let in pets.

- The RV's a hotel on wheels.

I don't know, Dad.
I just thought it might be fun.

And I found this really
fun-looking place.

A four-star hotel.
Doesn't that sound great?

No. They don't
let in pets.

- Ohhh.
- Begin the countdown.

Ten! Nine!
Wave your arms.

Wave your arms.
Eight!

What's this sudden
interest in hotels?

- Down, boy!

Get him off the brake!
The brake!

Sara, honey, you can't let Beethoven
do things like that. It's very dangerous.

Oh, here it is.

- Here's what?
- The main sewage control valve.

Oh, boy,
I'm glad I found that.

When we get to the next campground,
remind me to dump the tanks...

or it's gonna get
really stinky in here.

It's number two!

Sara, how far
to the next stop?

Only about ten miles, Dad.

Oh, you're gonna love this,
Brenn. This place is rad.

Rad?
It's the biggest toy train in the world.

Boy, I loved it
when I was a kid.

Wow, Dad.
I can't wait.

This is so lame.

Let's go, Beethoven.

The kids are really
getting attached to Beethoven.

I think they like him better
than they like me. Nah, I'm just being insecure.

Not necessarily.
Thanks, honey. I feel better now.

You know, Richard, I think that dog is
consciously trying to sabotage our trip.

Beth, he's just a dog.

Honey, he can't
consciously ruin anything...

I don't think.

Nah, that's crazy.
What would his motive be?

Revenge,
for the kennel thing.

You know, one thing about him
does bother me, though. Hallelujah.

How do you think Brennan
and Sara are gonna take it...

when we have to give Beethoven
back to my brother?

That's gonna be a tough one.
Yeah.

This is smaller
than I remember.

Whoa!

Yes. Bill. Bill!

Tommy!
What happened?

Tommy, come here.

It is so nice in here.

- Beethoven, stop!

Hey! Beethoven!

It has a coffee maker!
When we get rich, can we get one of these?

Yeah, uh-huh. Look, do you have any idea how easy
it is for cops to track down an RV this size?

They will swoop down on you
in a hot second,

and the next thing you know, you're spending
15 to 20 years as the restroom attendant...

at a one-star Federal lockdown facility
cleaning unflushed toilets with a toothbrush.

Club-Fed I think not.
I never thought of that.

Well, thinking is not
what you do best, William. No.

Fetch the DVD.
Yes.

Oh. Oops.

I-I'm not having much luck.

Oh, who told you we'd find it?
Yes! You did.

You da man!
Yes, I am da man!

Let us vacate.

Tommy! He looks
even bigger up close.

Yes, he does, William.
Why didn't you close that door?

You were the last one in.
Here's an idea-- run!

Let me out of here!

- Oh, God, let me out!

Tommy!

Hey! Out of the way!

Tommy!

Wait!

No!

Tommy, wait!

Oh, thanks!

Now what are we gonna do?
It's-It's not so bad.

The windshield
is broken. Richard.

Not your side.

I don't know what I'm so worried about.
You got insurance on the RV.

We're covered. We're motoring along.
It's still a vacation.

Good, honey.
That's a good attitude.

No, it's not. It's a lie.
This is a disaster.

This whole trip has become a catastrophe
because of that dog!

He didn't mean it, Mom.

Yes, he did!

Mom, Dad, you know that
hotel I was mentioning?

It's pretty close by.

We are not staying
in a hotel.

I didn't stay in a hotel on my childhood
motor home trip, and we ain't staying in one now.

We're fine right here in our home on wheels!
Everyone got that?

Whoa.

I think Beethoven has to go.

- Honey, you agree?
- No, I mean number one.

- Stop the RV.
- Oh, no, not ag--

Heimlich! Heimlich!

Make sure Beethoven goes good, 'cause we're not
stopping again until we get to California!

All I wanted to do is give
my family a great vacation.

It's been one disaster
after another.

This is even worse than
the motor home vacation I had as a kid.

- What?
- I thought you loved that trip.

I hated it.

Well, then why do you keep telling us
how much you loved it?

Because I wanted
to remember it that way.

I wanted to forget
how bad it really was.

And the truth is...
it was horrible.

My brother and I fought
the whole 2, 000 miles.

And Spartacus, our dog,
was car sick.

Can you believe that?
A car sick dog.

It was horrible.
My mother--

My mother kept telling us how much fun
we were having, but we weren't having any fun.

My dad drove himself crazy
trying to make sure we had fun.

It's okay, Daddy.
We know how you feel.

Yeah, Dad.
We know exactly how you feel.

- Oh, shut up!

- Ow!
- Honey!

I'm okay.

I'm all right.

At least we're out
of the bug zone, honey.

That's it. We're taking
a night off from this vacation.

We're staying in a hotel.
Yes!

The dog has eaten up
all our reserve cash.

We can't afford
to stay in a hotel.

Beth, we can't afford not
to stay in a hotel tonight.

I'll take these inside,
and I'll be back for the others.

We have adjoining rooms
available.

However, we do not allow
animals in the rooms.

Hotel policy.
If I made an exception, I could get fired.

Is this really
that great a job?

Dad, Beethoven
has to be able to stay too.

He wouldn't even need a bed.
He's the quiet type.

So how does it look?
I can't find her.

Who?
What?

Who can't you find,
honey?

The gift shop.
The gift shop. Oh.

I just thought
I'd get something...

for Aunt Alice and Uncle George
from the gift shop.

Uh, keep me company,
Beethoven.

- Please.
- Policy.

Sara, honey, Beethoven's just gonna
have to spend the night in the RV, okay?

Honey, stand up.

Stand up.

Come on, boy. Let's see
how good you are. Find her, boy! Find her!

Beethoven,
your nose is a genius.

Come on, boy.

Are you sure Beethoven's
gonna be okay in the RV all alone?

We gave him his dinner.
He's been walked.

He has water. He's got
his own bachelor apartment.

Honey, he'll be fine.

Now, Mommy and I are
gonna go to sleep early.

So just stay
in the room, okay?

Can we stay up late,
watch movies and eat junk?

Sure. Just stay
in the room.

Okay?
Yeah, Dad, I got it.

Okay.
Good night, guys.

Good night, Dad.
Good night, Dad.

Good night, Beethoven.

Penny Miller's room,
please. Thank you.

- Who?
- Shhh.

Mrs. Penny Mill--
I mean--

Uh, yes, Mrs. Penny Miller,
this is, um, the front desk,

and we think you may have left
some personal items at the pool today.

Um, would you come down
and claim them, please?

- Ooh-ooh.
- Um, tomorrow morning?

Uh, yes, I suppose that
would work out fine. Thank you.

What happened to « Hi, it's Brennan.
We met at the campground» ?

Um...

you're too young
to understand these things.

- Are you gonna go meet her?
- Tomorrow, I guess.

Fine.

- See ya.
- What are you doing?

Didn't you hear
what Dad said?

What do you think
you're doing?

I'm gonna sleep with Beethoven
so he won't get lonely.

Mom and Dad
are gonna be really mad.

Only if they find out,
which they won't because
you won't tell on me.

Because if you do,
I'll tell them about you
and Penny. Deal?

Deal.

He's hyper-normal. He's canine,
but he's some kind of hybrid.

He's some kind of mutant,
you know? He's some kind of--

That's it!
I'm-I'm awake, huh?

G.S.A. !
Governmental Species Alteration.

They take alien brain tissue, and they put it
into ordinary household pets.

That dog is an alien! He's
canine, but he's not canine.

He's alien,
but he's not alien.

He's superintelligence
in one giant, dumb-looking package.

This is clever stuff,
William!

Dude, man, are you okay?

I'm all right. I'm all right.
And-And do you know why?

Because I just hacked into
the country's main credit card network...

and I asked for the last place
where Richard Newton used his credit card!

That's why I'm all right.
« Early-On-Inn, Early-On-Inn. »

We're going to trank the disc
and grab the dog.

No, no!
That would be wrong.

We're going to trank the dog
and grab the disc.

Yes, 'cause that's how it goes,
and that's how it always goes.

Then, go! I'm ready!
Drive! Drive!

Beethoven,
I missed you so much.

Come on, Beethoven.

Here we are.
Oh, thank you.

Personal items, huh?
I thought it was you.
You did?

I recognized your voice.
You did?

So, how's your trip?

You first.
It's okay. Yours?

It's good now.

So--
So--

You want to take
a walk? Cool.

No way!
It's true.

Beethoven was chasing them,
and they just got so scared...

they shoved themselves into that
little car and peeled out.

That's the craziest
thing I've ever heard.

Beethoven's like the coolest
dog I've ever seen.

Well, next to Puddles.
Who's Puddles?

My dog. Well, my dad
named him Puddles...

after he made a mess in my dad's favourite chair
right after we got him.

I know what you mean. Beethoven's made
a lot of messes out of things on my trip.

At least it's not boring
like my vacation.

Well, actually, this is
the best time I've had all trip.

Me too.

So, where's Beethoven now?
He's in the RV.

Can we go visit him?
Sure.

Tommy, it says here,
« Beverage extremely hot.»

Oh, hot, hot, hot.

They forgot
to turn the alarm on.

Uh, good, good.

One more sip.

- What if it's a trap?
- Listen to me!

On the count of three, we open the door
and trank the dog.

Ohhh.

No, no, it won't hurt him.
He'll just go sleepy-sleepy.

- Oh. Oh.
- Begin the countdown.

What?

Ten, nine,

eight, seven--
Three, two, one!

Eight, seven--

Where is the coffee?

Did you hear that?

Hear what?

The dog growling.

Uh, yes.

Why did you say, « Hear what?» Why didn't you just say,
«Yes, I heard the dog growling» ?

Because, well,
there is no dog.

Focus.
It's just
the motor home settling.

- Okay, okay, let's get moving.
- What? Let's just get the DVD and go.

We are! Except
this time no mistakes.

This time we're taking
the whole motor home.

Hey, look, it's the RV.

Hey, Dad!
Wait a minute.

That isn't my dad.
Somebody's stealing the RV !

Yeah, hi.
Is this Club Canine?

Yes, we have a dog we need picked up
And kennelled for a few days.

Yes, I'll hold.
Honey, what are you doing?

George and Alice can have him shipped
when they get to the reunion.

I'm sorry. I should've done
this a thousand miles ago.

I don't want you to have
a bad trip.

He's gonna be okay. It says here
that Club Canine has a four-biscuit rating.

- Didn't we try this already?
- Yeah, but this time he's gonna stay.

Yeah. He's 185 pounds.

No, I'm not kidding.

Hold on a second.

Brennan, what's going--
Oh, hello.

Dad, someone just
stole the RV !

- What?
- Sara was in it!

She said that Beethoven was lonely,
so she went to keep him company.

I should've told you, Dad.
I'm sorry.

What?

- Richard!
- I found it!

Who told you we'd get it?
You did, Tommy.

Who's the man?
You are, Tommy.

Shhh. Beethoven.

Maybe they won't
know we're here.

Go check it out.

I don't want to.
Check it out! Go!

Did you find
anything useful?

Seventy-three empty coffee cups
in the car. The car's a hunk of junk.

Well, we know that. Who are they?
What do they want?

Who's chasing them down to get
my little girl back? Calm down, Mr. Newton.

We've got every unit
in the area looking for 'em.

We don't even know if your
daughter's in the motor home.

I just told you so!
Mr. Newton, we're doing everything we can.

- No, you're not!

Hey! What are you doing?
What are you doing?

I'm going after my
little girl. Hang on!

Go, Dad! Yeah!

Be a man, William!

Doggie night-night time.

Oh, my God!
We're kidnappers.

Tommy, you never said nothing
about us being kidnappers!

Shut up.
You're babbling.

Stop babbling and let me think.
Think about what?

We are going to jail!
Panicking is not allowed!

Tommy, you said nobody
was gonna get hurt!

Well, no one has been hurt,
so shut up!

- No, no, you shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!
- No, you shut up!

- You shut up!
- You first! You shut up!

La-la-la, can't hear you.
Can't listen to you.

You know, you're gonna get
in a lot of trouble for this.

- Yeah.
- Okay, might as well go Code Three.

Go ahead, floor it.

Stop this,
or I'm telling your mom!

Stop it now!

I'm gonna... be taking...
a nice little nap.

When we catch up, are you gonna shoot out
the tyres or something?

You watch too much television.
We can't risk hurting the girl.

What should I do?

Get up ahead of 'em
and slam on the brakes.

What?

Stop! You're going too fast!
You're gonna crash us!

You should've thought of that
before you tried to stow away.

And before you tried to steal
the operating system from me, little girl!

Or should I say...
«secret agent» ?

- Beethoven, he's crazy!

William!
Will--

- Ah. Toro!

Toro, come on. Come on.
Come on. You want some of this.

- Go get him, Beethoven!

Come on!

Stop it! He's hot!
You want a piece of me?

William, get out here!

God, we're moving. William!

We're gonna crash!

Get-- Stay down!

Beethoven, get up!

- Beethoven!

Beethoven, please... sit!

No! No! Stand! No!

- Oh, my God!

No, don't sit!

- Good boy!

- Whoa!

- Sara!
- Daddy!

Daddy! Daddy!

Honey, I'm so sorry
we didn't believe you.

Beethoven saved me, Daddy.
Yes, he did. He did.

Hey, she's okay.

Beethoven,
I was wrong about you.

You are a hero.

Oh, honey, I love you.

Hang around.
You're under arrest.

I want a large black coffee...

and two sugars.

And can you make it fast?

You will not arrest me.
You will give us only a parking ticket.

You are getting sleepy.
Lock him up, tight.

Sleepy. You are sleepy.
You are all sleepy.

Watch your head.

What did they want with us?

This. It's got a stolen
computer code on it.

It's a shame.
This was a good movie.

Don Knotts gave
the performance of his career.

You know he put on weight for that role?
He did?

I saw it once at a drive-in
when I was a kid.

My dad took us across country
in an RV once.

Not as nice as
your dad's rig, though.

Mr. Newton...

you think you can avoid
borrowing any more squad cars?

- I think so.
- Have a nice trip.

Thank you, sir.

Okay, come on, guys.
Let's go.

We're almost there.

Come on, guys, cheer up. At least we got
to spend two weeks with Beethoven.

It's not like we're
never gonna see him again.

Hey, this will give us a good excuse
to visit Uncle George and Aunt Alice.

Right?
Throw it!

I didn't buy it, either. Okay, let's find
George and Alice and get this over with.

Come on, honey.

Richard! Richard!
Beth, hey!

Uncle Morrie!
Hey, hey, hey, hey.

Ah, you look good. You look good, Richard.
Hey, you too.

Hey, wear this. Give me
a little hug there.

Ahhh. And the kids--
Look at the kids. I can't believe it.

Five years, and look at you guys.
You're all grown up.

Hey, have George and Alice
and the kids arrived yet?

Oh, I gotta tell you
about that.

Georgie called and said he's no gonna be able
to make it to the reunion.

- They're not coming?
- No. They had a problem in « Bratisloba.»

Somewhere.
Business-wise.

And they're gonna have to extend their visit
for at least another year.

What?

And so he asked me to ask you if you
wouldn't mind...

taking care of the dog
until they get back.

He said he'd pay
for everything.

George?
My brother said this?

Said he'd pay
for everything.

We'd be happy
to take care of Beethoven.

Good. Happy to hear you say that.
Uh, something else.

You remember your cousins,
uh, Ted and Sally?

Sure. They live an hour away from us
in Colorado Springs.

They had to leave in a big hurry.
I mean, the hot dogs weren't--

- Really? - Anyway, since you're going
to be passing their house,

they thought maybe you could
drop something off for them.

Sure we can.
Wait. What is it?

Tiny! Baron!

Cool!

No. No, no.
No, no, no.

It's okay.
It'll be great for you.

You're doing great.
No, I'm not.

You live in Denver? You're kidding?
What school do you go to?

Ridgecrest High.
You too? No way. Really?

Is your little sister
videotaping us?

- Sara!
- I gotta document everything!

Beethoven, not the toilet!

Sara!

Get away, Sara!

Here, Brennan.
Yeah, like this.

Wait a minute.
Don't break things. Stop.

Wait a minute.
Oh, my God.

How come everybody's
hitting me?

Beethoven, help me!

Help me!

I'm recording this.

Honey, this is great.
I'm so proud of you.

I'm not cleaning this up!
You better control yourselves!