Beau Jest (2008) - full transcript

♪♪ [ Soft Rock ]

[ Woman ] ♪ There she goes [ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ Lovely from her head on down to her toes ♪

♪ Just like a wildflower

♪ See her smile

♪ Laughing like a happy-go-lucky child ♪

♪ Lost in a game for hours

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh

♪ Life is crazy

♪ A little hazy

♪ But somehow so amazing



♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh

♪ You tell yourself you're fine ♪

♪ But that's a fine, fine line ♪

♪ 'Cause life is crazy

♪ Silly girl

♪ Upside down and right side up ♪

♪ In a whirl

♪ Out on a limb again

♪ But now and then

♪ She tosses up her hands and faces the wind ♪

♪ Ready to shed her skin

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh

♪ Life is crazy

♪ A little hazy



♪ But somehow so amazing

♪ Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa-oh

♪ You tell yourself you're fine ♪

♪ But that's a fine, fine line ♪

♪ 'Cause life is crazy

♪ Whoa-oh, life is crazy ♪

[ Man ] Sarah, I... love you.

Think about the fact that we've been together now for almost a year...

and we still haven't really discussed our future.

I love you.I love you too.

[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh.

That'll be my date.

I really hate this.I know.

I'm sorry.
It's just for tonight.

[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh, I've gotta finish
getting dressed.

Do you mind
getting that for me?

I hate this a lot.

H-Hi. Uh, is
Miss Sarah Goldman--

Yeah, come on in.Thank you.

Mm-hmm.

I'm sorry?

Yeah, it's like
Santa Claus.Oh.

Gonna know whether
I'm naughty or nice?
[ Chuckles ]

Yes, I will.

Is Miss Gold--She's getting dressed.

Ah, thank you.

Is this even legal
what you do? Oh, absolutely.

We're licensed by the state.
This isn't like picking up
a phone book...

and dialing a 24-hour service.

No, no, no, no, no.
Most of our clientele
are elderly women...

who just want a hand to hold
on to when they go to the opera
or the ballet or something.

Oh, in fact, I went to
the opera last night.

Tristan und Isolde.
It was great!

Have you seen it?No, I can't say
that I have.

Oh. Well, it was great.

It was long,

but great.

You do this a lot?

Oh, well, let's see.
Counting last night,
this would be my second job.

The only requirements are:
"Do you speak good English?"
And "Do you own a tux?"

Beats waiting tables.

- So you're an actor.
- Yes! Yes.

I'm an actor, yes.Okay.

- What do you do?
- I'm in advertising.

Oh, do you write copy?

No. I'm an account
supervisor.

Oh. Well, great.

Hi. Sorry to keep
you waiting.

Hi. I'm Sarah.

I'm Bob.I'm outta here.

I'll call you later.

You sure you wanna
do this?

I'll call you as soon
as the coast is clear.

You sure you don't
want me to--No.

I love you.I know.

I really hate this.I'm sorry.
I'll talk to you later.

All right, I'm going.
Good-bye.It was nice meeting you.

Huh.

Bye. Bye.

So, hi.Hi. You have
a wonderful apartment here.

Thanks. We have to go.Oh, okay.

Where we going?Uh, my parents' house.

- Oh. What's the occasion?
- It's my father's birthday.

Oh, geez. I wish I would
have known. I would have brought
him a present or something.

- Oh, I got him something
from both of us.
- Okay.

I'm just really behind
schedule, so let's go.

Sorry.

Can I ask you
a question?Sure. What?

Well, I was just wondering, why
did you hire an escort service?
You and Chris seem pretty--

Oh, we are.
We are, basically.
But, um--

Well, my family doesn't
know about it. I mean,
they did at first,

but my parents
were so unhappy
about it, it just--

Why? He seems like
a nice guy.He is! He is!

But, uh,
he isn't Jewish.

Hop in.Would you like me to drive?
You seem a little--

Oh, no, thank you.
I'm fine.

Oh, wait a second.
Uh--

So, what, are your parents,
like, Orthodox?Oh, no.

No. They just--
They want what's best
for their children,

which translated means I should
only date someone Jewish.Oh.

Which, you know, Chris
obviously is not. So--

We've been seeing
each other on the sly
for the past six months.

Wow.I know.

[ Seat Belt Clicks ]

Sure you don't want me
to drive?No, no, no, no, no.

I'm fine.[ Tires Screech ]

[ Tires Screech ]

I really don't mind driving.Oh, that's okay. I just have to
pick up a bottle of wine.

This whole thing
is so stupid,
but my parents--

Well, you know.
They're my parents.

My father--
He was sick last year.

My mother has been so tense.
I just-- I can't give them
any grief right now.

The worst of it
was after I told them that
I'd stopped seeing Chris,

they assumed I wasn't seeing
anybody, so my mother kept
trying to fix me up...

with all these sons
of friends and relatives--

and I don't know--
strangers she'd meet
on the street.

I don't know where she found
these guys, but my mother is
determined to make me happy...

whether I like it or not.

So, anyway, a few months ago,
just so they'd feel better,
I told them--

I said, "I've started
seeing someone."

I just invented
a boyfriend.

Ah. Oh, and that's--

Yeah, right.

[ Groans ]

Wow.

[ Cash Register Beeping ]

I thought about asking
a friend of mine to be my
stand-in beau for the evening,

but frankly, I'm too embarrassed
for anyone I know
to know about it.

So, I called your agency.

You must think this is
extremely weird.

Well, I must admit, I expected
you to be a little old lady
who needed a dinner companion.

But this would have been
my second guess.

Let's go.I really don't mind
driving.

Oh! La--

Listen, uh,
my father's name is Abe.

He owns a couple
of men's clothing stores.

My mother's name is Miriam.
But I think you should just
call them Mr. and Mrs. Goldman.

Uh, my brother
will be there too.
He's a psychologist.

He has two children.
He's divorced. Uh--

You and I have been dating
since January. We met at
the wedding of my best friend--

Marilyn Dittenfass.

You think you can
remember that?

Y-Yeah, I guess.

Uh, only-- Wow.

Um--What?

Well, you know,
I think I can handle it.

It's just,
I was thinking, you know,
with your parents and all,

maybe it'd be better
if you hired somebody
that... is Jewish.

You're Jewish.

No, I'm not.

Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Your last name's Schroeder.
That's a Jewish name.

Not to me.
My father's Polish
and my mother's Italian.

Uh, no, no. I'm sorry.
I specifically asked
the agency...

for somebody Jewish.

Well, maybe
they thought Schroeder
was a Jewish name too.

Honest mistake.

Oh, no!
I'm gonna die!

Oh, no!
I'm gonna die!

Maybe we could call
the agency, see if they could
find somebody else.

No, no.
No, there's no time.
We have to get in there!

Oh, no, I'm gonna die.Look, it's gonna be
all right.

No, no, I'm gonna die.
They'll find the body.
You explain it.

No, no, Sarah, listen.
I'm a good actor. I was gonna
have to do some acting anyway.

- No. They-They'll know.
- No, no, they won't. Look.

I once did a six-month tour of Fiddler on the Roof.
Theodore
Bikel thought I was Jewish.

No, no! They'll know.
They'll know.

No, they won't know.They'll know.

They can spot a Jew
a mile away.
It's like radar.

Sarah, take a breath.

Come on.

Deep breath in.
[ Inhales ]

And let it out.
[ Exhales ]

One more time.
Cleansing breath in.

And let it out.
[ Moans ]

Okay, okay.

Let's do it.

Okay.All right.

Okay.Get in there.

Oh, we need--

[ Sarah Sighs,
Mutters ]

Mom? Dad? We're here.

Hello.

Oh! Your name is
David Steinberg.

Uh--

Hi, Daddy.Hello, baby.

This is?What?

Him?Oh!

Uh-- Uh, Daddy,
this is David.

David,
this is my father.

Mr. Goldman.How do you do?
Come in.

Hi.Joel, hi.

[ Kisses Face ]

Hi.Hi.

Joel, this is David.
David, Joel.

Let me take your coats.Sure.

Come on in. Sit down.

[ Sighs ]It's nice to meet you.

Oh, nice to meet you
too, Doctor,Thank you.

Doctor?I forgot
to tell you.

Sit down.

Sit down.

[ Chuckles ]

Well--Well--

I've heard a lot about you.I've heard a lot
about you too, Doctor.

Oh, well, please,
call me, uh, David.

They're fine. Thank you.

You know, I don't get to see
them as much as I'd like to.Hmm.

It's a boy and girl,
right?[ Clears Throat ]

Two boys? Two girls? Two boys.

Two boys.Two boys. Right.

And their names are?Daniel and Benjamin.

Daniel and Benjamin.
Right.

Sarah talks about them
all the time.She does?

- So, where's Mom?
- Where's Mom?

She's in the kitchen. She's in the kitchen.

She's been in there
for days.[ Laughs ]

I'll go get her.

Did you hear about Dad?No. What?

He's closing
the South Side store.Why?

He got held up again.[ Gasps ]

What happened?Is he all right?

He's fine. But with the increase
in insurance premiums,
it's just not worth it anymore.

Did they catch the guy?They did. Turns out
he was out on parole.

He's gonna be serving
some serious time.

And Dad's all right?Dad is Dad.

I wish they would
tell me these things.

Well--
You got him a present.

A tie.A tie. You know,
we shopped and shopped.

And that's the best
you could come up with,
was a tie?

What did you get him?

I gave it a lot of thought.

And you got him?

A tie.

Hello! I'm sorry I kept you waiting.

Oh, hi, Mom.Hi, honey.

So, where is he?

Hi, Mrs. Goldman.
It's a pleasure
to meet you.

Oh, my goodness.[ Laughs ]

So handsome![ Both Laugh ]

Well, what are you,
Sephardic?

No, no. I'm Jewish.

Oh. I know what you mean.
[ Laughs ]

So, why doesn't
everyone sit down.

Let's sit.

Sit down.Thank you, sweetheart.

Listen to how
he calls her "sweetheart."

Well, you know, ever since
we met at Madeline's wedding--Marilyn.

Marilyn's wedding. I have felt
like the luckiest man alive.

David, sweetheart,
let's not go overboard.
[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]
Sarah, tonight I made you
all your favorite foods.

You know, I even got you
a challah from
Katzman's Deli.

Katzman's is still surviving?Oh, they'll be there
forever.

What happened to Katzman's?You know Katzman's?

Well, it's a long time ago,
but they had this thing
with the, uh--

[ Whispering ]
with the salmonella.

Oh, right. Yeah, yeah.
How could I forget?

[ Abe ]
So, you, you're a doctor?

You know about these things.
What causes that, uh--
that salmonella?

Oh. Uh, well, um,
that's very interesting
actually.

A lot of people
don't know this,

but salmonella is caused
by a rare bacteria
that gets in the, um, salmon.

[ All Laughing ]

Sarah, your father made sure
I made my special
luchen kugel for you.

Oh.Oh, right.

Happy birthday,
Mr. Goldman.

No. Pooh!

This special occasion
is meeting you, David.

[ Laughs ]
David, do you like
luchen kugel?

Oh, every chance I get.

Because you've never
tasted luchen kugel
like my luchen kugel.

I'm sure of that.

- Well, are we gonna talk about
it, or are we gonna eat it?
- Let's eat.

- Let's eat.
- Let's eat.

[ Miriam ] Let's eat.

Joel.[ Abe ]
You're in for it.

What, you couldn't
bring the boys?It's not my weekend, Ma.

For a special occasion,
you could bring the boys.

It's not my weekend.Yeah, I hope you'll
bring them to my funeral.

God willing, it should be
on your weekend.

Yeah, if we're lucky.

- [ Bob Chattering ]
- [ Miriam Laughs ]
I know.

Joel, you wanna
open the wine?Oh, I'll do it.

No, no,
Joel will do it.I don't mind.

Joel will do it.Joel will do it.

You have to save
your beautiful hands
for surgery.

Surgery?
Oh, I'm a surgeon,
aren't I?

Well, you never know
when you're gonna have
to operate, huh?

Do you wanna light
the Shabbes candles?Yes, let's light the candles.

So, David,
you're at what hospital?

Oh, uh, uh, didn't you
tell them, sweetheart?

Yes, I did, sweetheart.
I told you, Mother. David's
at Northwestern Memorial.

Oh. Oh!

Do you know Dr. Frankel?
My friend went to him
for her hypertension.

Dr. Frankel?Yeah.

- Dr. Frankel?
He's an older man, yes?
- Yeah.

Oh, yeah, if you're tense,
especially if you're
hypertense,

then there's no one better
than Dr. Frankel.

- I know.
- [ Sarah Laughs ]

Shall we?

[ Praying In Hebrew ]

- [ All ] Amein.
- Joel, please say the hamotzi.

Oh.

[ Joel Praying In Hebrew ]

[ All ]
Amein.

David, would you like
to say the Baruch
over the wine?

No! David
doesn't wanna do it.

You-- You do it,
Daddy.

You know, I don't mind.
It would be my pleasure.

[ Praying In Hebrew ]

- Amein.
- [ All ] Amein.

♪ To life, to life
L'chaim ♪

[ Laughs ]

Let's eat.

David, we'd love to hear
more about your work.

Yeah, I'd like to hear more about David's medical practice.

What kind of surgery
do you do, David?Surgery?

Oh. Well, you know,
um, whatever comes up.

Hearts, brains.[ Chuckles ]

Well, I hope you weren't
that doctor who operated
on my neighbor Sylvia Klein.

I don't believe so.That's good.

Because she died.

Who died?Sylvia Klein.

She didn't die.

Of course she died.

I don't think she died. What, have you talked to her lately?

I never talk to her.
You talk to her.

Not anymore.
She died!

- She didn't die.
- You don't know what
you're talking about.

Oh, now I don't know
what I'm talking about?

[ Miriam ] We made a condolence call, remember? When?

Last summer. We went
to her daughter's house.

Remember the one
with the mouth?
She lives in Buffalo Grove.

- That was for Sylvia Klein?
- Yes.

- What happened?
- She died.

Can I have
some more cake?Stop that!

Your-Your-Your veins
are all clogged up.

It's my birthday!You're gonna kill yourself
eating all that chazerai.

I'm not gonna kill myself. You wanna listen to my heart?Oh.

Uh, you know,
I-I-I don't have my--

I left my black bag
and stuff. So, sorry.

120 over 80.
Perfect every time.

[ Bob ] That's wonderful.Yes, it's wonderful now.

Last summer, he had a T.I.A.
It wasn't so "wonderful."

Oh, you had a T.I.A.?

[ Joel ] What is a T.I.A.?

T.I.A. stands for
"transient ischemic attack."

And, uh, what causes that?

It's usually
caused by a blockage
in the carotid artery...

that supplies blood
to the brain.Oh.

Studies have shown that
an aspirin can help reduce
the chance of a reoccurrence.

Did your doctor prescribe aspirin for you?One a day.

- That should be all right.
What's your doctor's name?
- Dr. Hayden. Highland Park.

Good man.

So, David, do you
and Sarah have plans
for the weekend?

Oh, you know, we hadn't
really thought about it.Uh--

Sarah,
on the radio tomorrow,

they're playing La Traviata
with Renee Fleming.

Oh, I love La Traviata.You like the opera?

I love the opera.
I went to the opera
last night.

You didn't tell me
you went to the opera
last night.

Oh, no, I didn't go
with Sarah. I went
with my-- my aunt.

Oh. Well, who
is your aunt?

Oh, you don't know her.Well, what's her name?

Her name?
Her name is, uh,
Sylvia Klein.

Another Sylvia Klein.
The lightning strikes twice.

It's amazing, isn't it?Oh.

You know,
I love the opera.

For 40 years,
every Saturday afternoon,

I listened to opera
from the Met.

But you never go?No.

Well, Abe wouldn't
sit through it.

Well, I'll tell you what.Yeah?

It would be my honor
to escort you to the opera
sometime.

Really?I'll tell you what.
I have a card right here--

Bob! Dave!

Dave Bob.Dave Bob.

It's a nickname.

My full name is David
Robert Steinberg.

David Robert Steinberg.I go by either one.

Will you look at the time?
It's-- It's late.
We should get going.

Well, it's not
that late, honey.

Daddy, you have to go
to work tomorrow.
You need your rest.

Well, let's take a picture
before you go.
I'll get the camera.

Mom, you always have to
take pictures?Yes, I do.

When my children are together, it's special.

Come on, shorty. Now, David, you join her.

[ Bob ] Oh, really?Yes. Come on.
Smush together.

[ Abe ] Get over there. Smush together, both of you.Kids, kids.

All right, smile. That's it.

[ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Okay, now one
of the whole Goldman family.

- Oh, I hate to have
my picture taken.
- Come on, Ma.

Mrs. Goldman, get in there.
You look beautiful.I don't like pictures.

Okay.

- Okay, everybody get in there.
Get in there.
- All right.

Give a smile.

One, two, three. [ Camera Shutter Clicks ]

Perfect.

Now one of David and Sarah.
Come on.

Mom, that's enough pictures. Come on, honey. Just one picture.

Oh, come on, sweetheart. We hardly have any pictures of the two of us together.

Okay, get in close.

How close do you want us?

Depends what you mean
by close. You want a pose.

Sure. Why not?

Oh.

Beautiful!

I'd like a copy
of that one, please. [ Laughs ]

[ Laughs ]

Now, David, we want to see
a lot more of you,
so don't be a stranger.

Ah. Well, we'll see
what we can do. It was very nice
meeting you, Mrs. Goldman.

It was my extreme pleasure.

Mr. Goldman.Nice to meet you.

Joel, see you again.I will look
forward to it.

All right. Good-bye.Good night.

You call me tomorrow.
Sarah, you call me.Yes.

[ Bob ]
Good-bye.Good night. Drive safely!

[ Laughs ]

[ Sighs ]

You could have told me
I was a doctor.

[ Laughs ]

I can't believe I did that.I couldn't believe it.
I almost lost it right there.

I'm so sorry.
You were amazing.

Oh, I don't know.
I don't think Joel
was buying it.

No, he was. He was.He kept watching me.

He's a therapist.
He does that to everybody.[ Sighs ]

You were just amazing.I just thought of all the
doctor stuff I could think of.

How did you know
what a T.I.A. is?

My father had a T.I.A.
It was the only thing
I would have known.

If they would have asked me
how to stop a nosebleed,
I would have been screwed.

- You were perfect. I was
the one who almost lost it.
- No, you were great.

The way you said
the blessing over the wine,
I-- I couldn't believe it.

I heard it doin'Fiddler. It was like an old song lyric comin' back to me.

I mean, you were
absolutely brilliant.

I'll tell you one thing,
this is definitely
going in my diary.

[ Shuts Off Engine ]

Well--

Well, quite a night, huh?

Oh, let me just, um-- [ Purse Rustling ]

Oh, hey, listen.
Don't worry about it.
This one's on me.

Oh, no, don't be silly.
You earned it.

Well, the pleasure
was all mine.

The pleasure was mine...
and my parents.

How should I make it out?

The Heaven-Sent
Escort Agency.

I don't know how I'm gonna
log this one in the books.

Can you get arrested
for impersonating a Jew
in this state?

Oh, hey, whoa.
No, this is too much.

Oh, no, I insist.
You earned it.

I just-- I wish I could
give you an Academy Award
to go with it.

I don't think there's
a category for that.

You really saved
my life tonight.

Glad to be of service.

Well--

Well--

Hey, listen, uh,
if you know anyone that
ever needs an escort service--

Oh, you will be
highly recommended.

Thanks.

Oh. And don't forget.
Tomorrow afternoon,

La Traviatafrom the Met.

Got it.
[ Laughs ]

Well, it was nice
meeting you.It was very nice meeting you.

Okay, um, good-bye.

Good-bye.

And thank you.

♪ L'chaim♪

♪ L'chaim♪♪

[ Clears Throat ]Hi.

Hi.

[ Chattering, Laughing ]

Share with Tom.

That's it.It's your mom.

What?[ Mouths Words ]

Why? Hello?

Sarah, he's so tall.

Why didn't you tell me
he's so tall? He could be
the Jewish Wilt Chamberlain.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

I called Joel.
He called the caterer...

and they set
an extra place for David.

Mmm, no.

Oh, how could you come
to the bar mitzvah
and not bring David, huh?

Call me.

[ Sighs ]

[ Muttering ]

Oh.

Uh--

[ Beeping ]

[ Muttering ]

[ Line Ringing ]

Bob!Sarah.

Hi!
[ Laughs ]

How are you?Fine. How are you?

Fine, fine.

What are you doing
on Saturday?

Sarah, listen.
I already told
the escort service...

that I've got
another commitment.

I'll pay you double.
Whatever else you're doing,
I will pay you double.

I'll pay you off the books.
You won't even have
to pay your commission.

Sarah, listen,
I don't really have
another commitment.

You lied?

Y-Yes.That's terrible.

How could you do that?

I-I don't like to lie.
That's why I can't help you.

I don't wanna be
Dr. David Steinberg again.

But you were so great.I don't know.

We pulled it off once. I don't
think we can do it again.Sure, we can.

Of course we can.I don't know.

Oh, we can. We can.

Sarah, listen.
I have an audition.I know.

I arranged it.

What?

I didn't know how to get
in touch with you.

I have a friend who's
a casting director here.
She works with Chris.

I asked her if she had anything
coming up that you'd be
right for, and she did.

So I had her call your agent,
so your agent would call you...

and... tell you
to be here now.

This is crazy.Well, what do they say?

Desperation is
the mother of invention.

But I thought the plan was
for your parents to meet
Dr. David Steinberg once,

and then they wouldn't
ask to meet him again.

That was the plan.What happened?

Well, I was wrong.

Bob, uh-- I mean,

you don't know what
I've been through
this past week.

My mother--
She talks about you...

like, uh, you're a combination
of Albert Schweitzer...

and Alan Alda.

Is Alan Alda Jewish?

Uh, part Jewish I think.
I-I-- I don't know.

So did you really
get me this audition?

Yes. Mm-hmm.

It's for a national spot.Well, that's good, right?

It's great, if I book it. I'm sure you will.

You're a--
You're a brilliant actor.
You have so much talent.

You are.
You are so talented.All right, all right.

You really think
I'm brilliant?

Brando, Pacino, Schroeder.

[ Groans ]
All right.

What's happening
this Saturday?

Uh, my nephew's bar mitzvah.

Do we have to go to synagogue?Just for a couple of hours.

And we'll be in services,
so you won't have to
talk to anybody.

Do I have to do
anything special?No, no, not at all.

The rabbi tells you
when to stand up
and when to sit down.

Just when you stand up,
you can bob up and down
a little bit...

to make it look like
you're praying.

What time?I'll pick you up
about 9:00.

Are you allowed
to drive on Saturday?

We're Jew-ish.
We're not that Jewish.

[ Laughs ]This is the last time,
right?

Bob, this is the last time.
I promise.

Good Shabbes.Good Shabbes.

Oh! You know, the service
is just about to begin.

Good Shabbes.Good Shabbes.

Good Shabbes.
It's so good to see you.Good to see you too.

Baby.Oh. Good Shabbes.

Good Shabbes.We are so happy
you're here.

You were able to take off
from the hospital.

Yeah. I just told them
to make sure nobody was
sick while I was gone.

Good Shabbes.Good Shabbes.

Sarah, this is
the dress you wore?Hmm?

You bought me
this dress.Ten years ago.

It wasn't ten years ago.
I thought you liked
this dress.

For Danny's bar mitzvah,
you could buy a new dress.

Mom, I don't need a new dress.Sarah, you need
a new dress.

I got new shoes.Those are new shoes?

Yeah.Eh, they're nice.

Are you coming in?
He's gonna be 14 soon.

All right, we're coming.
Let's go.

♪♪ [ Singing In Hebrew ]

Oh, mazel tov.
Mazel tov.Oh, thank you.

Thank you so much
for coming.Thank you.

Thank you.Thank you.

I just got here. The traffic
was a mess. Mazel tov.Thank you.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

Sarah!
You look beautiful.[ Laughs ]

How are you, darling?Thank you. Hi.
How are you?

So, where's the doctor?

Oh. David, this is
my Aunt Ceil.

[ Gasps ]
So nice to meet you.Hello, Aunt Ceil.

It's nice
to meet you too.Such a looker.

♪♪ [ Continues ]

♪♪ [ Ends ] All rise.

It's a good thing
you're not Catholic.Why?

If you were,
we'd be going to hell.

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ Miriam ]
What are you talking about?

He can't possibly
work all the time.

What? He's the only
doctor there?

Yeah, they can't possibly
make him work
on Pesach.

I never heard
of such a thing!

Call me tomorrow.

Happy anniversary.Oh.

Thank you.

You have to go.
You have a plane
to catch.

Could you at least
open it first?Yeah.

[ Snaps Fingers ]Bam.

What is this?Mm-hmm.

That is a portable
global positioning system.

Covers all of North America,
including Alaska
and Hawaii.

Plus, it's an MP3 player.

I've already programmed all
the songs, so all you do is plug
it into your car stereo system,

and it'll play
Simon and Garfunkel's Greatest Hits--

And it'll display a map
for how to get from here--
your place-- to my place.

Oh, thank you.
Thanks.Yeah? Right?

I'm sorry I didn't
get you anything.

All I want
for our anniversary
is for us to be together.

Chris, please.

I'm gonna call you
every day from L.A.

What?Do you really wanna know
what I wish?

What?

I wish we could go somewhere
together, just to like
a tropical location somewhere.

Somewhere exotic and just eat
coconuts and sea anemones
or something.

Just like that?Just like that.

Just leave work?Leave work!

Give up your accounts,
sell your car?

You know what else
we could do? You could just
tell your parents about us.

You could say, "Parents,
Chris and I love each other
and wanna be together forever.

And if you don't like it,
you can just lump it."

Or don't say "lump it"
'cause they're your parents.

But I can have Bruce
or somebody help you
with the copy.

You're pressuring me, Chris.
Don't pressure me.
I'm under enough pressure.

I have to do the seder
tonight, and my whole
family's coming over. It's--

And Bob?

And-And Bob.Aha!

Don't say "aha."I knew it!

No, don't say "aha."
There's no reason
to say "aha."

[ Tapping Foot ]

I really hate this.I know.

Look, Chris, I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.

You have to go!Yeah, I know I have to go.

I have to leave town and work
while my stand-in gets to do
all the fun bits.

The fu--
Chris, come on.
This is not fun.

I love you.

Go. Go.

[ Engine Starts ]

I don't think
we should do this.What are you talking about?

I just don't think we can
get away with it again.

They're gonna be here
in a minute!I know. Look.

Can't you just tell them
I had a medical emergency
come up?

I told them that
last night.

I told them
that you had heart
and brain surgery to do.

See, that's what
I'm talking about.

Bob, please.

I just don't think we can
get away with this again.

Oh, we can! We can!
Just this one more time.

You should have seen
my mother last night.

She was so heartbroken
when I told her you couldn't
come to her seder,

she set a place
for you anyway.

It was so pitiful.

I mean, there was
a cup of wine for
the prophet Elijah,

and gefilte fish
for you.

Well, I guess...

at least one of us
should show up
for dinner tonight.

Thank you.

Just this one more time.
I promise.

- Thanks for messaging
over that Haggadah.
- Oh, you're welcome.

Um, did you have a chance
to look at it?I-- I did.

- I'm not too clear on the order
of what happens when.
- Oh, just watch me.

Everything's announced
before we do it anyway.

Do you guys really drink
four glasses of wine?Uh--

Depending on how closely
my father decides
to follow the scripts.

You guys must get
really wasted then.

Well, it's one
of our festive holidays.
Don't I look festive?

[ Doorbell Rings ]Are you ready?

On with the show.

Sarah.Hi.

[ Gasps ]
David.Mrs. Goldman.

[ Laughs ]
Gut Yontif.

Right back at ya.
I'm sorry I missed
dinner last night.

Well, we missed you more.Mmm.

[ Gasps ]
Look at that. Oh.

Mr. Goldman.How do you do, B.D.?

Joel.Oh, hello.

How are ya?How'd that heart
and brain surgery go?

Oh. Well, that was something.Oh?

They-They brought this guy in.
There was blood everywhere.

And they had the surgeons
and-- You ever seen E.R.?

Uh, yeah.It was just like that.

[ Laughs ]
Everybody wanna
sit down?

We'll start.

Sarah, this is such
a beautiful table.Oh, thanks, Mom.

Joel, you couldn't
bring the boys?

I brought them
to your house
last night,

and Barbara has them
at her parents' tonight.

What, they make
a seder?I don't know.

Joel, the boys need to be
at a seder tonight.

I don't know
if they're doing a seder.Well, call and ask.

I'm not gonna call them.Joel.

You know, I just remembered.
They're doing a seder
there tonight. All right?

All right. All right.

Abe, why don't you start?

Open the Haggadah.
First we'll do a kiddush.

[ All Praying In Hebrew ]

Amein. Amein.

[ Sighs ]

[ Sighs ]

Next we do thekarpas. Parsley. Everybody take some parsley.

[ All Praying In Hebrew ]

Amein. Amein.

Next, theafikoman.
Give me the matzo.

David, would you and Sarah
steal the afikoman?

Uh, uh, maybe.

Next-- [ Pager Beeping ]

Oh, uh, excuse me.
I'm sorry.
That's my pager.

I'm on call.On Pesach?

I'm sorry. I hope
it's not too serious.

I'm gonna have to call in.
Please, go on without me.

No, no, no. We'll wait.
We'll wait. Make your call.
We'll wait for the doctor.

- [ Bob ] Excuse me.
- We'll wait.

[ Line Ringing ]

This is Dr. David Steinberg.
Did somebody page me?

This is when you wanted me
to call you, right?

Uh-huh. Uh-huh.

Oh, dear.
Just give me a sec.

I'm sorry.

It is serious.You don't have to go,
do you?

David, please.
Don't have to go.

This is Dr. Steinberg.You can get out
of there now, right?

- I'd really rather not commit.
- You are one nutty kind of guy.

Well, who's the resident
that's on call?

That should be fine.
If you have any problems,
feel free to call me.

Rhubarb, rhubarb,
peas and carrots--

Now, look! I told you
that the resident on call
is fine.

This is a very sacred holiday
for my people.

And I'm gonna celebrate it
with my loved ones.

It's all right.
It's all right.

It's all right.
Okay. Good-bye.

Toodles.

[ Alarm Sounding On TV ]

So, are we gonna
take it from the top,

or are we gonna pick up
where we left off?

No, we can--
we can pick up
where we are. Daddy?

- Next, the four questions.
Who does the four questions?
- Sarah.

Can we skip
the four questions? Skip the four questions.

David, when Sarah was
a little girl, she loved
to ask the four questions.

Mother. No.

Even when she was so little
she couldn't even say
the words.

But she knew it was
something important.

Her little eyes
would be wide open,
taking it all in.

She was always
so helpful. Hmm?

And we'd say, "Sarah,
ask the four questions."

And she'd sing
"Happy Birthday" instead.

She was so adorable.

That's a great story.

Don't encourage her.
She'll bring out
baby pictures.

That reminds me of a story
of when I was a kid
growing up.

- Oh, does it?
- When I was a little boy,

I grew up in a neighborhood
with a couple
of gentile families.

I remember my little gentile
friends talking about Santa
Claus bringing 'em presents.

And one Passover,
I asked my father,

"If Elijah comes,
will he bring presents
like Santa Claus?"

And my father said,
"If Elijah comes, he'll bring
the greatest present of all--

peace."

And I said, "If Santa Claus
brings presents every year
for my friends,

when will Elijah
bring his present?"

And my father said,
"We don't know,

"but we hope
he'll come soon.

That's what we Jews do.
We hope."

[ Sighs ]

That's beautiful.

- That's a beautiful story.
- That is so beautiful!

[ Sniffles ]

You know, I heard a story
just like that
on the radio today.

No! I did.

David, would you do
the four questions?

Oh. Why, yes.
[ Clears Throat ]

"Why is this night different
from all other nights?"

Need we ask?

"For on all other nights,
we eat either leavened
or unleavened bread.

"Why on this night
only unleavened bread?

"On all other nights,
we eat all kinds of herbs.

"Why on this night
only bitter herbs?

"On all other nights,
we need not dip
our herbs even once.

"Why on this night must we dip them twice?

"On all other nights,
we eat either sitting up
or reclining.

Why on this night
do we all recline?"

Good questions.

"We were slaves.

Then we were free."
Let's eat.

Abe, read a little more.
Come on.

Next, the matzo.
Give me the matzo.

Thank you.

"This matzo which we eat--
What is the reason for it?

"Because the dough
of our fathers
had not yet leaven,

"When the king over all kings,
the holy one,

"blessed be he,

"revealed himself to them and redeemed them.

"As it is said:

"And they baked unleavened cakes of the dough,

"which they brought forth out of Egypt,

"for it was not leavened.

"Because they were
thrust out of Egypt
and could not tarry,

neither had they
prepared for themselves
any victuals."

Joel, will you read?

"These bitter herbs we eat-- What is the reason
for them?

"Because the Egyptians made
the lives of our forefathers
bitter in Egypt.

"As it is said:

"And they made their life
bitter with hard service
in mortar and in brick,

"and in all manner of service
in the fields
in all their service,

wherein they made them serve
with rigor."

David?

[ Bob ] "In every generation, let each man look on himself...

"as if he came forth
out of Egypt.

"As it is said:

"And thou shalt tell thy son in that day...

"saying, '‘It is because
of that which the lord
did for me...

"when I came forth
out of Egypt.'

"Therefore, we are bound
to thank,

"praise, laud, glorify,

"exalt, honor,
bless, extol...

"and adore him
who performed
all these miracles...

"for our fathers
and for us.

"He has brought us
from slavery to freedom,

"from sorrow to joy,

"from mourning to holiday,

"from darkness
to great light...

and from bondage
to redemption."

Wow.

"Let us then recite before him
a new psalm.

Hallelujah."

Good night.[ Horn Honks ]

Night.Drive safely.

Oh. Oh.

[ Groans ]

I'm exhausted.

We made it. Relax.

"Relax." What a concept.

Tense times, huh?

No. No, no.
I've always been tense.

When I was in high school,
I went out for
the swim team,

and they used me
for the diving board.[ Laughs ]

That's funny.

Well, you were brilliant--Mmm--

Again.It was so funny...

the way your dad
whipped through
the Haggadah.

Yeah.

My father has
a very particular
view of life.

You know, he treats
business matters
religiously,

and religious matters
like business.Hmm.

I-- Can I get you
anything?No, I'm fine.

Something to express
my appreciation?

[ Chuckles ]Can I buy you a drink?

Can I--
Can I buy you a car?

Actually,
when I was a kid,

after a school performance
or something like that,

my mother would take me
to get ice cream.

Oh! Oh, well, I'd--
I'd be delighted
to buy you some ice cream.

Are you allowed
to have ice cream on Passover?

Uh--

If I'm not mistaken,
both Ben and Jerry
are Jewish.

[ Laughs ]
Perfect.

- What can I get for you?
- I'll have a cup
of Cherry Garcia...

- with lots of cherries, please.
- And for you?

I'll have a scoop of chocolate
with chocolate syrup.

Can I get sprinkles?

[ Laughing ]
Yes. You can get sprinkles.

And sprinkles.You got it.

So where'd you get
that beeper?
That was pretty clever.

Yeah, I borrowed it
from a buddy of mine...

that does a lot
of commercial work,

and I had a friend call me
in case I needed an excuse
to leave early.

Well, thank you
for not leaving.

Here you go.

So, is there a blessing
for the ice cream?

Cheers.

L'chaim.

So, have you always
wanted to be an actor?

It's all I've ever
wanted to do.

What do you do?I teach kindergarten.

Kindergarten!
[ Laughs ]

I remember kindergarten.
I used to get straight A's
in sandbox.

[ Laughs ]
Oh, really?Mm-hmm.

Oh, I have one
little boy who loves
to play in the sandbox.

His father
is an architect.

He hires the other children
to build sand castles
for him.

[ Both Laugh ]Let me take that for you.

So, kindergarten, huh?

Do you like it?Do I like it?

You sound like my mother--
She always says,

"Sarah is so smart,
they should let her
teach a higher grade."

[ Both Laugh ]

Do you want to sit down?Sure.

Great.[ Both Chuckle ]

Anyway--

I don't have to spend
all my time on academics.

I can give the children
more individual attention.

Work on their
emotional development,

so maybe they won't
end up as screwed up
as the rest of us.

Think we're all screwed up?I don't know.

I look at the children
in my classroom,
and they're so open.

They're so free.

I don't remember
ever being that free.

Well, what would
make you feel free?

If I could do one thing
that was just for me,

without worrying
how my parents
will feel about it,

that would be--

Wow.

I think your parents
are great.I do too.

I love my parents.

They've sacrificed
their whole life for me,

and they expect me
to sacrifice
my whole life for them.

Remember that story I told?

The one that was
on the radio?Yeah.

Yeah. I wish
my father was like that.

We never really got along.
He hated the idea
that I wanted to be an actor.

We used to have these awful
drag-down, beat-out
arguments.

Hmm.

You wanna hear
something wild?

After each one
of these arguments,

the very next time I saw him...

he'd have bought me
a new pair of shoes.

Just like that.
He'd go, "Here you go.
Here's some shoes."

Hmm.It used to drive me crazy.

I could never figure it out.
Why shoes?

Then it occurred to me...

that that was his way
of saying,

no matter what,
that he loved me,

and everything
was gonna be okay.

But, boy,
you should have seen my closet.

I had one suit
and 21 pairs of wing tips.

[ Both Laugh ]

So where's your father?

Both my parents are dead.

Oh. Um, I-I--
I'm so sorry.

And, um, that's why
I envy you.

The only family I really have...

are the people I'm working with
on a show at any given time.

My life is very transitory.

Um, you know,
I was gonna tell you,

a woman I went to school with
is a director with
the Milwaukee Rep.

Have you ever
worked there?No, but I'd like to.

I'll tell her
to look out for you.

I appreciate it.

It's my pleasure.

I'd-- I'd like
to see you perform.

You already have.

In a show.

I'm in between engagements
right now.

Will you let me know
when you're in something?Definitely.

I-I'd really love
to come see you.

I'm very good.I-I'm sure you are.

[ Laughing ]I'm sure you are.

Well, um--

We should, uh,
probably go.

Yeah. Let's-- Sure.

[ Sighs ]Let's, uh, head back
to my apartment.

I just have to grab
my checkbook.Oh, no, no, no.

Sarah, seriously, I can't.

You allowed me
to spend Passover
with you and your family,

and it was wonderful.

Are you sure?Absolutely.

Well, thank you.
[ Laughs ]Thank you...

for the dinner
and the ice cream.

I don't think
I'm gonna be hungry
till next Tuesday.

Well, um--

Oh. One thing
I wanted to ask you--What?

That first night--

when we were
at my parents'...

and my father
took our picture,

and you kissed me--

Yeah?

Was that a David kiss,

or... a Bob kiss?

That was a David kiss.

Oh.

This is a Bob kiss.

[ Chuckles ]

Listen, I escorted
a nice elderly lady...

to the theater last night.

May I...

sometime...

escort you to the theater?

I would like that.

Great.

Well, then, um,
I'll call you next week.

Okay.Okay.

Why don't I call you
tomorrow?

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Why don't I call you
when I get home?

Okay.

[ Chuckles ]

Why don't we just
talk about it right now?

Why don't we just
hang out for a while?

Yeah.

You're not Jewish.

Oy!

♪♪ [ Dance-pop Beat ]

[ Laughs ]

[ Woman ] ♪ There's a phrase that's blowin' past my door ♪

♪ And it's bringin' change like I have never
known before ♪

♪ It used to be

♪ That when it rained it poured ♪

♪ Not anymore So give me more ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm free to jump

♪ I'm free to fall

♪ Free to let it roll away when I drop the ball ♪

♪ I'm not ashamed

♪ To break down and cry

♪ So come on, precaution

♪ Take a step aside

♪ 'Cause you see it's falling ♪

♪ That's teaching me

♪ To be a little bolder

♪ So, hello queen And good-bye pawn ♪

♪ Da, da, da

♪ Gonna turn my cheek and shrug my shoulder ♪

♪ Da, da, da

♪ I'm gonna till I'm going home ♪

♪ 'Cause I'm free to jump [ No Audible Dialogue ]

♪ I'm free to fall

♪ Free to let it roll away when I drop the ball ♪

♪ I'm not ashamed

♪ To break down and cry

♪ So come on, precaution

♪ Take a step aside

♪ 'Cause you see it's falling

♪ That's teaching me

♪ To fly ♪

Okay, I'll see you tomorrow.
Bye.

I'll see you tomorrow,
okay?

Good-- Oh! Thank you.
Thank you.

She was great today.
She got a golden ticket,
and back on track.

She was just tired
the other day.Oh, good.

Yeah, it's good, so--Okay, thanks.

Bye.

[ Gasps, Laughs ]
What are these for?

I'm breaking a cardinal rule.
I never assume I'm gonna
get a show before I get it.

You're gonna be in a show?Not for sure.
I have an audition.

For what?But, thanks to you,

I really feel like
I'm gonna get this show.

What? What's the show?Oh, it's just
a little production called...

Fiddler on the Roof.[ Claps Hands ]

No.Yes.

They think you're Jewish?Yes.

And I said, "It's one
of the things I do best."Oh, you're gonna get it.

I feel really
prepared for it.When's the audition?

About an hour.You have to go.

I've gotta go,
but I wanted to come by
and say hi first.

Aw.I'm gonna see you
later, right?

Come over. Whatever.Whatever.

[ Both Laugh ]

- Good luck.
- No, no, no.

You can't say good luck
to an actor. You gotta say
"break a leg."

- Break a leg!
- I'll do my best.

♪♪ [ Folk Dance ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

[ No Audible Dialogue ]

Oh.

I got the part.Oh!
[ Laughs ]

Oh, congratulations.Thank you.

I-Is it okay
to say congratulations
to an actor?

Yes, could say
congratulations.Oh, that is great news.

Thank you.
[ Chuckles ]I have some big news too.

Oh, yeah?
What's your news?

My parents are coming over.

They'll be here pretty soon.
I was just getting ready.

Am-Am I allowed to be here?

Yeah. Yeah, I'd like you to be.

Great.

So what's your big news? What's my big news?

- We're engaged.
- What?

Sorry.

Sarah, I take by "engaged"
you mean...

that you and Dr. Steinberg
are engaged? Uh--

I'm sorry.
It just happened.

I-- We're on the phone,

and she's giving me
the "you're not getting
any younger" speech,

and I just blurted it out.

Well, I guess
congratulations is in order.

When's the big date?

I promise you
it won't go that far.

Oh. I've been trying to think ahead for a change.

What do you think about this--

Next week I'll announce that
you have to go to a medical
convention in San Francisco.

While there, you'll meet
an old girlfriend...

who's now an OB-GYN
at the Mayo Clinic.

You'll come back.
We'll fight.

You'll move to Minnesota,
send me a "dear Jane" letter,

and that'll be the end
of David Steinberg.Uh-huh.

So fade out
on Sarah and David,

but what about
Sarah and Bob?

We can keep
seeing each other.

I mean, do you want to?Very much.

So do I.

But we can't
tell your parents?

Not right away. Okay?So we're right back
to the beginning,

only this time
with a shift in casting,

and I'm the odd man out.

I don't think I like
that arrangement.

Just give me some time,
okay?

[ Phone Ringing ]

Aren't you gonna
get that?Let the machine answer it.

What if it's your mother?Then definitely
let the machine answer it.

[ Recording ] Hi. It's Sarah. Please leave a message. [ Beeps ]

[ Chris ] Sarah, are you there?

Look, uh,
I don't want to be a pest.

I know you're going
through a difficult
time right now,

and, uh, I want you
to know that,

uh, I love you,
and,

you know, I'm-I'm here.

I wish we could keep
seeing each other. Uh--

So, anyway--
[ Chuckles ]

I'm here, and, uh,

I love you.

Okay, bye.

[ Beeps ]

You didn't tell him
about us?

No.

I didn't want him to think
that I broke up with him
because of you.

- I don't want to hurt him.
- Sarah, by the time
this whole thing ends,

somebody's gonna get hurt.

[ Sighs ]
I'm sorry I got you
into this.

I'm not.

Look, why don't we
introduce me--

the real me--
to your family?

I wish we could,
but this monster
I've created--

I don't know how
to get around it. All right, look.

The problems you have
with Chris--

Is exactly the same problem
I have with you.

Sarah, in my own quiet way,

I've been falling
in love with you.

You know that.

Yes.

All right. Okay.

Well, look, then. Okay?

I've been doing some thinking.What are you thinking?

Well, your family's
crazy about me, you know.

They're crazy
about Dr. Steinberg.

What's in a name?

What's in a name?

Let's not forget
what happened
to Romeo and Juliet.

Romeo and Juliet
concealed their love.

That was there mistake.
Let's not do that.

I just need
a little time, okay?

Over time I can break
the whole thing
to them gently.

How about that?

Well, look--

I don't want this
to sound like a threat
or an ultimatum or anything,

but... I'm not gonna do that.

That sounds like
a threat and an ultimatum.

All right, I suppose it is.

What do you want me to do?Sarah--

Write this in ink.
Chisel it in stone.
Embroider it in a doily.

There's the truth,
and then there's
everything else.

I don't know.

Well--

An actor should
never give up the chance
to play a role,

but, uh,

I'm through
with playing Dr. Steinberg.

Bob?Yeah--

That's my name.
Robert Schroeder.

If you ever want
to introduce your family
to Robert Schroeder,

give me a call.

[ Moans ]

Bob--
[ Stammers ]

Bob? No, no, no.

No, my parents are coming over.
They wanna take us out
for a nice dinner.

You-You don't
wanna miss that, do you?

You gonna tell 'em
about us?Yes! Yes.

Uh, eventually I will.

Sarah--Bob,

I have messed up
everything else in my life.

I don't want
to mess this up.

You have become
a part of my life.

You are already
a part of my family.

I don't want to lose that.

Then tell them about us.

I don't want to hurt them.You don't want to hurt them?

You don't want to hurt Chris.
You don't want to hurt me.

All you're doing
is hurting yourself.

A man has
got to stake his claim.
It's what he's gotta do.

[ Sarah ] Well, maybe he had a medical emergency.

No, I used that one already.

Maybe he had to go
to San Francisco.

No, I'm gonna have
to use that one later.

Besides, why didn't I tell them
he went to San Francisco...

if he already
went to San Francisco?

Maybe he had
a medical emergency
inSan Francisco.

[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh.
[ Groans ]

Thank you, thank you,
thank you, thank you.

- Sarah.
- Joel. What's going on?

Mom called.
She says you're engaged.

Yup.

It's official.
You're gaining a brother.

You, uh, wanna tell me
what's going on?

What do you mean?

Well, I called
Northwestern Memorial.

I spoke to Dr. David Steinberg.

Yeah.

Only he's 80 years old,
and in orthopedics.

So what's going on?

Do you remember Chris?

Chris? Yeah.

I told everyone
that I stopped seeing him,
but I didn't.

I didn't stop seeing him.

I invented Dr. David Steinberg
to tell Mother about...

so she would quit trying
to fix me up all the time.

Dave--

Bob--

Bob is an actor...

I hired to play the part
for you all.

So you made
all of this up...

because you didn't like
the guys that Mom was trying
to fix you up with?

She wanted to see me
with the perfect boyfriend.

I gave her
the perfect boyfriend.

And you're still
seeing Chris?

Well, no, actually.
Not anymore.

So how long is this...

Bob thing going to go on?

Well, now it gets
kind of complicated.

Oh, now
it gets complicated.

Just let me handle it,
all right?

Oh, you're gonna handle it?
How are you gonna
handle it?

I'm-- I'm working on it.

I don't suppose honesty
has occurred to you
as an option, has it?

Well, I can't tell them
about Bob now,

any more than I could tell them
about Chris.

Well, I don't see how--Bob isn't Jewish either.

He's not Jewish?

Not officially, no.

Well, no wonder
I was confused.

I knew there was something phony
about "Dr. Steinberg."

It just never occurred to me
that everything was phony
about Dr. Steinberg.

If Mom and Dad weren't
so bent out of shape...

about me dating someone
who isn't Jewish,

none of this
would have happened.

Sarah, there are other
issues here besides...

who you decide to date.

Please, don't-don't do that.
Don't be a therapist.

- Do not start psychoanalyzing.
- I'm not psychoanalyzing.

I-I will support you 100%.

Just tell me what it is that you want me to support.

Now, what is it that
you want the most right now?

I-I-- I wanna be with Bob.

Okay.

Oh, I have your permission now?
Thank you very much.

Why do you need someone's permission?

Because that's the way
I was raised, okay?

We always have to be nice.
Everything has to be nice.

God forbid somebody's feelings
should be hurt.

What about your feelings?

I have no time
to consider my feelings.

I spend my whole life worrying about their feelings.

- I just wanna live
my own life.
- So who's stopping you?

They are! They are?

- Yes.
- Let me say one thing
about that.

- Baloney!
- I don't need this right now.

Look, Mom and Dad
are Mom and Dad.

They're your parents.
They're not gonna change.

If you want your
relationship with them
to be different,

you have to change it.But they won't let me.

Oh, well, then
it's all their fault,

and you can blame them
for all your problems.

Every day clients
are sitting in my office,

going on and on
about how their parents...

have screwed up
their whole lives.Well, what do you say to them?

Get over it!

[ Doorbell Rings ]They're here.

- Are you gonna tell them?
- Don't you tell them.

I'm not gonna tell them.
Are you gonna tell them?

I swear, Joel.
Don't you say anything.

I'm not gonna say anything.
Open the door.

Sarah. Mazel tov!

Joel, you're here.

Apparently.

- You coming for dinner?
- We'll see how it goes.

Sarah, we have
so much to talk about.

Have you decided
on a date?

Where do you want the wedding?
Whatever you want.
You decide.

Oy. This is gonna cost me.

Maybe not so much.

We have to get a hall,
and we have to call
a caterer.

You know, I wanna
find out who catered
the Silverman wedding,

because him
I wouldn't call.

- [ Doorbell Rings ]
- Just a second.

I liked it when you said
I was part of your family.

[ Sighs ]
Thank you.

Welcome to the family.Thank you, Mr. Goldman.

Ahh. David, come here.

Mazel tov!Thank you.

Mom--
[ Clears Throat ]
Dad,

there's something
I have to tell you.I know. We have so much to plan.

No, there's something
else that we have
to talk about first.

Well, talk.
Have you two decided
on a date?

No. No.
There's something
that you have to know.

What is it?
Whatever you want, we'll do.

No, I'm not--
I'm not talking
about the wedding.

What are you talking about?
What else is there to talk
about besides the wedding?

Will you let me talk,
and I'll tell you?Excuse me.

I know-- I know
you're not gonna
be happy about this.

Well, what is it?

The truth of the matter
is that--

- David has to go to a medical
convention in San Francisco.
- Sarah.

- Sarah!
- It's not worth it. Let's
just do what we're gonna do.

What are you gonna do?We're getting married.

- You're not getting married.
- You're not getting married?

We're not getting married the way you think we're getting married.

How many ways are there
to get married?

We'll get married whatever way
you want us to get married.

What are you talking about?That's what I was trying
to tell you before.

Abe, what are they
talking about?I don't know.

What areyou talking about?

[ Doorbell Rings ]Oh, now what?

What, you invited
somebody else?No.

I don't know!

[ Gasps ]Sarah, may I speak to you
for a second, please?

Th-This is not a good time.

You know what?
I cannot put this off
any longer.

Oh.

Forgive me
for barging in.

Perhaps it's...
good that you're
all here anyway.

Sarah, there comes a time
when a man needs
to stake his claim.

Mr. Goldman, Mrs. Goldman,

I'm fully cognizant
of the fact...

that you don't
approve of me,

but I think if you got
to know me better,

you'd discover that in spite
of the fact that I work
in advertising,

I'm a very decent human being,
and I love your daughter
very much.

And while it might be
a source of conflict
for her,

I believe
she also loves me.

I wanna dedicate my life
to making her happy,

and to provide for her
in every way that
I possibly can.

So with your permission,
hopefully your blessing,

I would like to
ask your daughter
for her hand in marriage.

Who is this?

You remember Chris?Chris?

The man that I was seeing,
who I told you I wasn't
seeing anymore.

Ohh. Santa Claus.

It's an unfortunate
sobriquet,

but I will not
let it dissuade me
from my purpose.

You didn't like him
because he isn't Jewish.

[ Sighs ]
Chris, I-- No.

I didn't not like him
because he wasn't Jewish.

I didn't like him
because he reminded me
of my cousin Norman.

- Him I never liked.
- Sarah?

Will you marry me? [ Bob ] Whoa, whoa, whoa.

Wait a minute.
Excuse me. Sorry. Please.

You know, we're all
very moved by your efforts here,

but we're here to discuss
wedding plans for
Sarah and me.

I just haven't done
my part.

Sarah, when it's right,
you know it.

Will you please marry me?

What?He already
asked her.

Didn't you already ask her?

Abe, jump in.

Is this your boyfriend,
or is this your boyfriend?

Well, that is yet
to be determined, sir.

Sarah, you have two offers
on the table.

- She's marrying David.
- I'm not marrying David.

What, he's not
good enough for you? No.

[ Miriam Gasps ]I mean yes. He's good enough.

- Well, then, it's settled.
- It's not settled.
Nothing is settled.

All right, look.

Th-This isn't easy to explain,
so just bear with me on this.

Mom, Dad,
this whole thing...

is because I care
about how you two feel.

What are you talking about?
What thing?

This thing.
This whole thing here.

Abe, what is this thing?How do I know?

It's her thing.
What is this thing?

This is--
This is Bob Schroeder.

After I told you
that I had stopped
seeing Chris,

I kept on seeing him,

and made up David...

to be my boyfriend.

Made up?
What do you mean,
made up?

I mean he doesn't exist.

There is no Dr. David Steinberg.

I made him up
because I wanted you to think...

that I had a boyfriend
that you would be happy about.

I--

I hired Bob...

to portray David--

To portray the boyfriend
you thought I had.

Portray? Like an actor?

Exactly like an... actor.

[ Exhales ]Sarah,

how can you do
such a thing?

I'm sorry.

I didn't want to hurt you.

So you make up a story? You lie?
You don't lie to your parents.

- I did it to make you happy.
- Lying makes us happy?

Well, you didn't seem crazy
about the truth.

You want me to be happy, but
I'm only supposed to be happy
with what makes you happy.

I have to live
my own life.

So whose life are you
living, Sarah, mine?

Yes, in a way.Don't do me any favors.

Mr. Goldman, please.
I'm partially responsible
for what's going on here.

So I'm not really a doctor,
and I'm not really Jewish.

You're not Jewish?

Abe, it's another lie.

Miriam, let's go.

Mrs. Goldman, please.

From Sarah and me,
you and Mr. Goldman
will have Jewish grandchildren,

not just because
the mother's Jewish.

I'm prepared to convert.Oh, me too.

I was gonna
say that earlier.We'll talk about it later.

It's all right.
You live your own life.

You work out
your own problems.

But if you'd listened to your mother and me,

you wouldn't have
these problems.

Dad, you're not helping
the situation. I'm helping.

Leaving is helping. [ Bob ] Mr. Goldman, please.

I don't stay anywhere
I don't wanna stay.

- Will you just talk to me?
- You don't lie
to your parents.

I'm sorry.You wanna know
about lying?

You lie to the guy
who says you can't
come into this country...

because you don't
have a sponsor.

You lie to the man
who says you can't go
to his school...

because your name
sounds funny.

And you lie to the kid
that comes into your store,

puts a gun to your head
and threatens to take
your life away.

But, baby, you never,
never, ever lie to your parents.

- Abe.
- Daddy.

- I'm not staying.
- Dad!

Abe.Daddy!

Oh, Abe.Dad!

You all right?Dad?

I'm all right.
It's-It's nothing.Shh, shh, shh.

Mom?Call 911.

No, don't call 911.Yes, Sarah,
call 911 now.

No, don't.
I'm all right.
It's nothing.

Joel, loosen his collar.What are we
supposed to do?

You couldn't be
a real doctor now,
could you?

You're more doctor
than I am.I'm a therapist.

Do you want me to
ask him how he feels
about being sick?

- They're on their way.
- Don't call 911.

Just get him some water.I'll be all right.

What else can we do?Water.

Pop, is there anything else
we can do for you?

Maybe you could all
crowd in a little more,

so I don't get
too much air.

[ Siren Blaring ]

What did the doctor say?

They want Dad
to take it easy.

I'll believe that
when I see it.

Is your father
gonna be all right?

All things considered,
it could be a lot worse.

They were able
to rule out an M.I.

- A what?
- Myocardial infarction.

Oh.

What's that?Come on, man.

I gave up
my medical practice.It's a heart attack.

Um, they're gonna
release him.

So I'm gonna take
Mom and Dad home,

and I'll call you later.

I wanna talk to him.

I don't think he wants
to talk to you
right now.

All the more reason.

[ Chuckles ]
I'll go see if he's ready.

[ Sighs ]

I'm so afraid
of losing them.

Sarah, your dad's
gonna be okay.

I look at my parents,
and all I see are parents.

I've never seen them
as two individuals,

as two people who I love
and I care for...

so much.

[ Miriam ]
Sarah?

Mom.

Are you all right?Yeah. I'm all right.

I'm all right.

[ Groans ]

[ Sighs ]

Sarah,

whatever we did
to make you so unhappy,

we apologize.

You don't have
to apologize.

I want you to treat me
like an adult,

but I haven't
been acting like one.

Whatever you want to do,

you do, okay?You know what
I'd like to do?

What?I'd like for us
to get to know each other.

We don't know each other?
We talk on the phone
every day.

We talk every day,
but what do we talk about?

We talk like a mother
and a child.

Mom, I wanna know
about your life.
[ Sniffles ]

And, Mom, there are things
I could tell you
about my life...

that you would not believe.

[ Sighs ]

How about having lunch
with me tomorrow?

Ohh. I can't tomorrow.

I have to go
to the cemetery.

It's yartzeitfor Papa.

May I go with you?No, you don't wanna go.

You don't wanna go.Yes, Mom.

I would.
I would like to go.

Dad, I need to talk to you.

Abe, she needs to talk to you.

What do you want
to talk about?

Dad, I love you.

Sometimes I've been so afraid
of losing your love,

that I've acted stupidly...

and thoughtlessly,

and I didn't treat your love with the respect that it deserves.

You know, I sat here
all night, thinking--

Thinking to myself,
"What is the best way--

What is the best way
to express my love for you?"

From now on,

I wanna be honest with you,

and I want you
to be honest with me.

I'm honest.

Not always.

You didn't tell me
about your being held up.

We didn't want to worry you.

Exactly. Exactly.

We're always so worried
about having someone
worry about us.

You can trust me,
all right?

Let me decide whether or not
I should worry,

and I promise--

I promise, Dad,

that I will let you know
what is going on in my life.

[ Sobbing ]

What isgoing on
in your life?

[ Laughs ]

Excuse me.

Chris--

[ Sniffles ]

Chris, you are
the kindest,

sweetest man
I have ever known.

You have given me
more support...

and understanding
than I deserve,

and I will always
love you for that.

But I'm not
gonna marry you.

I see.
[ Clears Throat ]

Well, I'm gonna--

My stuff--

Mrs. Goldman.

Mr. Goldman. Joel.

Thank you.

[ Whispering ]
Sarah.

Bob?

I'm not gonna
marry you either.

Okay.

Not right now.

Okay.

I don't know why
you came into my life
at this particular time.

You called.

[ Laughs ]

And I would like you to be
my official and...

very conspicuous boyfriend.

I can do that.

Mom, Dad, Joel--

I'd like you
to meet my boyfriend.

This is Bob Schroeder.Hi.

- Schroeder?
- It's not. I checked.

Well,

if you'll excuse me,
I'll get going.

- Abe?
- David?

- Bob.
- Whatever.

- From acting
you make a living?
- Sometimes.

Oy.[ Laughs ]

- Are you out of town a lot?
- Not if I have a reason
to stay home.

Is there anything
we've heard about you
that is true?

Yes. Two things.

- I really love the opera--
- Ohh.

and I really love Sarah.

- Come home with us.
- Thank you.

Let's go home.

So, bubbe,what kind
of acting do you do?

Oh, you know,
whatever comes up--
Stage, screen.

Are you in anything
right now?

Not right now,
but I got a production
coming up.

I just got cast
in Fiddler on the Roof.Ooh! [ Laughs ]

I love Fiddler on the Roof.

That's a good show.What part
are you playing?

Perchik.
The student.You're playing a Jew?

[ Joel ]
Who'd believe that?Right.

Maybe you could get us
a couple of tickets.

Mother.What?
We'll pay for them.

I can get you guys
some tickets.

Last time we saw Fiddler
was at the old
Candlelight Theater.

It was the Drury Lane.

It was the old
Candlelight Theater.We saw Fiddler...

at the Drury Lane.I don't think
it was the Drury Lane.

We saw My Fair Lady
at the Candlelight,

we saw Guys and Dolls
at the Garden,

and we saw Fiddler
at the Drury Lane.

We saw Cats
at the Drury Lane.

You don't know
what you're talking about.