Beach Fever (1987) - full transcript
A young Japanese entrepreneur is set on a quest by his wealthy father to find the world's best opening line in order to "get the girl". But when they stumble upon a sure-fire love potion, mayhem ensues.
(ethereal electronic music)
(surfer rock music)
- Watch it!
- Stupid jerk!
- Watch it!
- You moron!
(screams)
(speaking foreign language)
- Terribly sorry, terribly
sorry.
(surfer rock music)
(water hisses)
(surfer rock music)
(cartoonish boom resounds)
(80s synthesizer music)
- Get him!
- Get that guy!
♪ Keeping to myself
(cartoonish car wheels
squeaking)
♪ It's all my love
♪ Gonna give you all my love
♪ Must be magic
- [Girls] Go go!
♪ Hear me knocking lady
♪ I'm right outside your door
♪ I've got the potion
♪ And baby love's the cure
♪ Get ready for love
♪ Looking out for love
♪ Must be magic
♪ You'll believe in magic
♪ When you're locked within my
spell ♪
(grunts)
- [Girl On Radio] There he is.
Come on, good we got him,
slowly, slowly.
Got him.
- Oh no!
- He's gonna get away.
- Get him!
♪ Get ready for love
♪ Looking out for love
♪ Must be magic
- Slow down!
- Stop!
- Stop!
- Come here.
- Now here this, now here this.
Hey this is your captain
speaking.
Hey gang, let's party, come on!
(tropical pop music)
- Hey Alex!
(tropical pop music)
(tropical pop music)
(crowd cheering and clapping)
- [Man Voiceover] Clean
the ship, go ahead.
Some day this will be mine.
Clean wipe this town.
It's all I do, I work on this
ship.
I want to get a ship someday
and just sail and meet chicks.
Is that too much of a goal
in life to meet chicks?
(rowdy rock music)
All right let's steer this
puppy.
All hands on feet.
Oh God, work work work work.
Something has gotta happen in my
life.
Huh?
No no no no no way.
She must think I'm captain.
She thinks I'm captain I bet.
(rowdy rock music)
Oh God, don't pop!
This is really not happening.
It's real, this is real.
There's oh no, there's
fresh fruit in season.
I don't believe this no
no, yes, yes yes yes yeah.
Oh no, they're staring
right at me, what do I do?
I bet no no.
Somebody I'm gonna kiss them.
Quit staring, she
notices it's too obvious.
Fucker, just nibble on those
noogies.
That a bad line, that's a
bad line, kid, you know.
Stay, look, look at me look at
my face
I don't want to look at your
face.
She thinks I'm the captain.
She has to think I'm a captain.
This would not happen.
(rowdy rock music)
(Asian-themed electronic music)
Enjoy, don't put, I don't.
This isn't happening.
This is oh God.
(rowdy rock music)
No no, don't go down on looking
away.
There is no way I can touch
this.
This is not happening.
I would die if I, don't you go
down.
What if my girlfriend found out?
I would, wait I don't have
a girlfriend wait a minute.
Oh, just gonna enjoy it.
(80s-style synthesizer music)
♪ He's just a little guy
with a great big dream ♪
♪ Nobody had a clue when
he appeared on the scene ♪
♪ Now he hits the beach
♪ All the girls go wild
♪ He's got a wicked love potion
♪
♪ But his manner is mild
♪ Hot Sake
♪ When he wears his cologne
♪ You feel intoxicated
♪ You'll fall head over heels
♪ With this magic he's created
♪ There's no way out
♪ He'll lock you in his spell
♪ You'll be turning Japanese
♪ And hearing bells
♪ Hot Sake
♪ So long Sake
♪ Hot Sake
(rowdy rock music)
- Wait a minute, a
phone number, your name?
Hey!
(punch rings out)
What did you do that for?
- You pay him before you leave.
- What are you talking about?
- 500 clams moron.
She was my best.
- You've gotta be kidding, she--
- Would I kid you?
- You want it, come and get it.
- Go get him.
(grunts)
(laughs)
(grunts)
(laughs)
- Bitch!
- Oh!
(gun shot rings out)
(surfer rock music)
(wheels screeching)
(surfer rock music)
Watch out!
(screams)
Hey man, if it's about that
money,
you can tell them to forget it,
I don't owe them a thing.
- I'm forever grateful
that you saved my life.
(surfer rock music)
Girls are really strange
creatures.
(surfer rock music)
- Hey Sandy, with your parents
going away for two weeks,
we can have some fun.
- They haven't even left yet.
- Come on Sandy, before we know
it,
summer will be over with
and we'll have nothing to show
for it.
- What do you mean?
- Boyfriends, what else?
- Is that all you ever think
about?
- (laughs) Well at least I think
about it.
(bike engine rumbling)
(guitar music)
- First of all let me explain
myself.
You see my father is very very
rich.
He owns big Ginza knife
company back in Japan.
He say to me I discover
answer to universal question
and how to get the girl
he will pay me 100,000 American
dollar.
That's a lot of sushi, huh?
- Yeah, I'd say.
- Yeah, so I've come here to the
beach
to write a book on how to answer
mystery.
I call it Opening Lines
That Really Really Work.
- Or Opening Lines That
Really Really Don't Work.
- You tell me if I come
on a little too strong,
okay?
- All right.
Okay.
- Show me your melons mama.
I want to squeeze those doggies
dry.
Bend over baby.
I want to nibble on your
noogies,
huh huh huh?
- No no no no.
- [Sake] How about this, sit on
my face--
- Okay that's enough, no no no
no more.
No no no I don't need to hear
anymore.
- But I hadn't got to good ones
yet.
- Yeah, you never will,
you won't live long enough.
- What, what I say wrong?
(large boom resounds)
- Sake are you gonna come along?
(motorcycle engine rumbles)
(large boom resounds)
- Christ, my baby are you all
right?
- [Husband] That little
Einstein's ruined everything.
He won't live to have hair on
his nuts.
- What, he has already
hair on his jugglers dear.
- Oh?
(coughs)
- Where is my baby?
Where are you?
- All right you little
bastard, come out of there?
- Ernie, Ernie answer us, where
are you?
- Where's the fire?
- Where is fire?
- Who the hell are you?
- Where is fire?
(speaking foreign language)
- And who the hell are you?
♪ Love me forever
♪ Just like we all need
- Give me a brush.
- Sure is hot in here dude.
- Out, out, everybody out
of here, move move move.
Ernie, I don't want it to happen
again.
I don't want you to get in
trouble.
I want you to live the
basement in one piece
and the rest of the house.
You're making me nervous.
I'm going crazy.
- Sorry dad, have a good time
anyway okay?
- Now Ernie give your
dad a big hug and a kiss
right here right here that a
boy.
- By now love you.
- Let's go dear, let's go move
it.
- Mom?
- Oh Ernie.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
Will you please clean yourself
up?
- Yeah bye.
- Bye dad.
- See you later guys.
You have a nice trip now.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Yeah, lots of souvenirs, bye.
- Bye.
- Hi.
Think you'd maybe like to go out
later?
- I don't know, maybe.
- Dude, scram!
- Who's this guy?
- Who you calling toad bud?
- Get off man!
- What are you doing?
Get off him, come on.
Cut it out guys.
- If somebody
gets hit then you're
gonna have to take me.
- Take that.
- I didn't even hit him.
- What is that shit?
(grunts)
(laughs)
What'd you do?
Ernie, what did you do?
- Did I get him, did I get him
or what?
- That'll stop him.
(motorcycle engine rumbles)
- You know with your
knowhow and my dedication,
we can make a very good team.
With my approach, universal
question on how to get girl
may no longer be a mystery.
- What are you talking about?
that's what I'm talking about.
- Well since I'm dry docked,
I could use some green backs.
- So?
- So.
- So?
- So.
- So?
- So partners!
- Partners!
- Yeah!
- Okay, first off, skip the
insults,
start with the compliments.
- Ah, my father always
say put honey on flower
and bee go right to it.
- Exactly, exactly say
something nice to a girl
and bee go right to it.
- Eating out of hand.
Well time to do it, partner,
let's go.
(speaking foreign language)
- Hi Sandy, this is Sandy.
It sounded like your voice I
could tell.
This is Chat.
Right from today?
You remembered, well great.
I was gonna ask would you
like to go out tonight?
You would?
I was gonna ask would you
like to go out tonight?
Tonight, sure I can.
All right can't wait to see you.
All right great, all right.
Yes!
(retro love music)
♪ Baby you have all the keys to
my heart ♪
♪ Darling who'll love you
right from the start ♪
♪ Oh, it's true only you
could love me like you do ♪
♪ Baby you baby you
♪ Baby you make this moment oh
so rare ♪
♪ Now's the time we've both
found forever to share ♪
♪ Just us two dancing under the
moon ♪
♪ Only two
♪ Baby you baby you
♪ We'll face hard times
♪ But we will survive
♪ Through our laughter
the tears cannot hide ♪
- Sleep tight.
- Hey dude, watch it.
(screams)
- I got it, I got it.
Excuse me.
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Yes?
what great shape you're in.
- Thank you.
- You must be very very proud.
- Your beauty is remarkable.
- Dazzling.
- Two Zs.
- Z, Z.
- Spellbinding.
- [Both] Spellbinding, yeah!
- Z, Z.
- Spellbinding.
- But I especially like your
big bugsy bush buzzers boing!
(kick rings out)
Sorry.
(fly buzzes)
(sexy saxophone music)
- Excuse me young lady.
You you.
- You talking to me.
- May I take those off?
- Sure.
- You have the most
gorgeous I've ever seen.
- I do?
- I've been dreaming about a
woman like you all my life.
- You have?
- Yes.
- If you turn me away, my
heart would stop beating.
I would die, I would die.
- Oh no, I wouldn't.
- You're the answer to my
prayers.
- I am?
- You're a give from God above.
- Praise Jesus!
- No no no no no.
(surfer rock music)
(laughs)
(surfer rock music)
(surfer rock music)
(screams)
(surfer rock music)
- Hiya punk!
You're in just in time
to catch our next act.
(muscle squeaks)
(speaking foreign language)
Come on mutt!
♪ Oh Monday I grabbed her bottom
ankle ♪
♪ Tuesday I grabbed her at the
knee ♪
♪ And Wednesday success
♪ I lifted up her dress
♪ On Thursday I got a look
at her string bikini ♪
♪ Ooh on Friday I put
my hands right on them ♪
♪ Saturday I gave her cheeks a
tweak ♪
♪ On Sunday after supper I
rammed it right on up her ♪
♪ Bitch
- You trying to be singer?
- You trying to be a funny man?
- Hmm?
- You trying to be a funny man?
- Lay off him Tarzan.
- Nobody touches me.
Excuse me.
Why don't you eat it, Jack?
- What do you want him to eat?
- You're cruising for a bruising
buster.
- I said to lay off.
- Hit the road toad.
(screams)
- Loser!
(80s-style pop music)
(screams)
(80-style pop music)
- Hey boys, your place or mine?
(screams)
(surfer rock music)
(screams)
(surfer rock music)
(tender ballad music)
- We almost died that time.
- Whew, yeah, but at least we
know we're on the right track.
- Whoa whoa whoa look two
bikinis at 10 o'clock.
- Excuse me ladies, excuse me.
- No no no excuse me excuse me.
May I compliment you both on
your soft and radiant skin?
It is like breath of fresh air
to see something so beautiful.
And your eyes--
- If I may add something
if I may add something?
(speaking foreign language)
- Please please.
(speaking foreign language)
- Truly, truly.
- Why thank you.
That was very sweet of you to
say.
- [Chat] Oh well I was
just speaking the truth.
- You guys doing anything later
on?
- Uh uh uh uh.
- Later on?
What's wrong with right now?
(screams)
- [Sake] Ooh baby yeah uh huh uh
huh.
- [Sandy's Friend Voiceover]
Mm, wait till I tell Sandy
about this one.
- Listen up.
Listen up.
You're gonna see two guys.
Mr. Long and a guy named Harry.
Make sure they pay upfront.
No traveler's checks.
And be back in an hour.
Now move it!
- Which house Fat Daddy?
- Down the block, third
house from the right
and quit calling me Fat Daddy.
- (laughs) Fat Daddy.
(groovy jazz music)
♪ Fat Daddy, he's so bad
♪ Fat Daddy what a cad
♪ He's rotten through and
through ♪
- It's this one or that one.
♪ Fat Daddy, fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
- Or maybe it was that one.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
♪ Fat Daddy, hot pursuit
♪ He's coming to get the loot
♪ To get on his hands
on that love potion ♪
♪ In heaven if you get the
notion ♪
♪ Oh Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Wop wop woo
(hums)
♪ Fat Daddy you better slow down
♪
♪ Your name is burnt up all over
town ♪
- Wow, oh boy my binoculars
are getting steamy, oh geez,
would you look at that?
Please come to Ernie girls,
that's right.
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
♪ Come on Fat Daddy
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
- Ernie, can you see who's at
the door?
♪ Fat Daddy
- Are you Harry or Long?
- Both.
- Well, we're your dates then.
- Right this way.
- Yeah of course he does.
I don't know.
I'm nervous.
I don't what I'm gonna do
if he tries to kiss me.
(cartoon slider noise rings out)
(liquid bubbling loudly)
- Hi.
- Great.
Even better and.
- Chat, they're beautiful.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It's nice.
- Thanks.
- Why don't you come in?
- Mm.
(liquid bubbling loudly)
(moans)
(phone rings)
- The phone.
- Uh uh.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
No, he's right here.
What?
Oh my, I'll talk to you later.
You!
- What?
- A knife?
A knife?
No no put the knife down.
- I mean it, how many others?
- No others, I swear is that
sharp?
That is sharp?
- Yes.
- Put it down.
- No!
- Oh Rosie, I'm home.
Holy shit!
- You stay out of this.
- Sake, help, call Fred, Call
Ethel, little rookie anybody.
Help me, somebody help me.
- I'm not a bad guy.
I hardly know you.
We just met.
You're making a big mistake.
- Your turn!
Over there!
Quick!
(screams)
- Oh my!
- You okie dokie amigo?
- [Chat] I think so, no blood
right?
No broken bones.
- Opening line no good huh?
- Sake, I think this is gonna be
a lot tougher than I thought.
- Whoa!
I love those shakers mama.
- Shh shh!
- I want to shake them.
- Shh Sake, shh Sake!
- Grab them and squeeze them--
- Would you, shh Sake!
Quiet quiet quiet quiet!
- You guys are going about this
all wrong.
- Hey hey what are you talking
about?
- Your crude and unusual
approach
of the subject matter maybe.
- What he say?
- I don't know.
Get to the point.
Well after witnessing
your misguided approach
to the female honey hole
(laughs) I have concluded
that your research
would be immeasurably aided
by science's most recent
resource.
(snaps fingers)
A full-proof stimulant
previously unknown to man.
Let me just say one thing,
one drop of this and
any woman can be yours.
- Come on Ernie!
- Cut that out!
- From the looks of things
you're too weird already.
Yeah, if you don't watch it,
you're gonna be locked in a
room with the white walls yeah.
- Yes, straight in the jacket!
- Oh no would you stop that?
Well I'll tell you what,
I'll become partners.
I'll make this stuff and
you guys can sell it.
Deal?
- You're serious?
- I'm not kidding you.
- Yeah, but how we know
that this stuff works huh?
- Well I will demonstrate.
Now these guys they stay out
would you watch yourself?
- Sorry sorry sorry okay.
- [Ernie] These mice, they
stay on opposite sides
of each other for one
reason and one reason only.
- They don't like each other?
- They're mortal enemies.
Now I want you guys to watch
this
and watch very carefully.
(hums weird horror movie music)
Watch!
(mouse squeaks)
(laughs)
(mouse squeaks)
(laughs)
Did I tell you, what did I tell
you?
- Bad rat, bad rat.
- Do you believe me now?
- Good boy good boy.
- [Chat] I think so.
Make some money.
(retro jazz music)
- Whole stinking hour,
where are those hoes?
- Those hoes?
- Next time I'm gonna put a
leash on them.
- Put a leash on them.
- Yeah and we're gonna charge
those guys for over time.
What?
Let's go find them.
(retro jazz music)
(cartoony whistle slider blows)
(retro jazz music)
♪ Fat Daddy hot pursuit
♪ He's scheming to get the loot
♪
♪ In his pants he's got a potion
♪
♪ In heaven if you get the
notion ♪
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
- Would you cut that out?
♪ Fat Daddy you better slow down
♪
♪ Your name is burnt up all over
town ♪
♪ Pretty girls want your kind
♪ 'Cause you love them
and you leave them blind ♪
♪ You're rotten through and
through ♪
♪ You never know what you're
gonna do ♪
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
♪ Come on Fat Daddy
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Wop wop woo
♪ Fat Daddy yeah
- Which one of you long or
harry?
- You Caucasians are weird.
- You?
- You!
- Pay up junior.
- I don't owe you a thing, Jack.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- What is this?
- Hey hey back off goon.
- What did you say?
- He said for you to back off,
because you're stupid, you're
lame,
you're ugly and you smell, ha!
- I didn't say all that.
I didn't say all that.
- You meant it.
- No I didn't.
(punch rings out)
(retro jazz music)
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
- This stuff is the future,
our fame and fortune.
- But because it works on mice
it does not mean it work on
girls.
- Does it work on girls?
Hey, there's only way to find
out.
- Onward.
- And upward.
- Until we've conquered--
- The universe of
question on how to get the girl.
- Hallelujah, Sake dude,
hallelujah!
- Have mercy on me!
- Hey dudes!
- No!
(rowdy rock music)
- Which one of you is first?
- He is!
- He is!
(rowdy rock music)
(screams)
(80s-style pop music)
- This time we do it, no more
bad luck.
- Well I'll say that we're about
due.
- Whoa!
- What what what?
- Hot tamales, look alive, whoa!
(screams)
- Hiya hiya hiya!
(screams)
Let's do it.
- Oh yeah, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
(screams)
♪ He doesn't shower me with
diamonds ♪
♪ Or smother me in fancy fur
coats ♪
♪ He never takes me out to
dinner ♪
♪ Or sends me passionate love
notes ♪
♪ But there's one that I know
for sure ♪
♪ What he's got I want more
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance in candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ And he's got me
- [Girl] Oh, I gotta have it
baby!
(girls talking)
- Come to me momma baby.
- Here we go, here we come.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- That's you.
- Oh oh.
- Let's go girls.
- Oh yes!
(girls talking)
- [Girls] There he is, let's go
get him!
- Help me, help me you
moron, keep him inside.
Keep them in there.
- [Man] What's going on over
here?
♪ He won't be starring in the
movies ♪
♪ His looks are out of date it's
crazy ♪
♪ And when I wonder I love him
♪ My thinking gets a little hazy
♪
♪ It's something that I feel
inside ♪
♪ He looks at me and I can't
hide ♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance at candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ And he's got me
(retro pop music)
(girls talking)
- Women women women jackpot!
- We won't live long enough to
spend it!
(girls talking)
(retro pop music)
♪ Try it once and then you'll
know ♪
♪ He's your destiny
♪ And standing by his side
♪ Is where you ought to be
♪ You'll be glad he's
got the magic potion ♪
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That's he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance by candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ And he's got me
- Over here!
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ He's got me
(retro pop music)
- You go first.
- Yeah.
- If this kid's stuff works
as well it did on them, we've
got it made.
That's it, pour that shit on.
Before you know it, there'll be
100 girls
working for yours truly, Mario
Iwackitoff.
Yeah.
And you too.
(sniffs) Ah.
Ah.
Lovely young nymphets joining
our stable.
(laughs)
Will you cut that out?
(waves crashing)
- Oof!
Jeez, give that back to me
brother.
- No mermaids attack us.
Must mean we get it all off.
- That's what I thought
when we lost the hospital.
- Until those two kamikaze
nurses attack us. (screams)
- I don't about you Sake dude,
- Until those two kamikaze
nurses attack us. (screams)
- I know what you say,
but good thing our
guinea pig days are over.
Now it is time to make money
and enjoy fruits of labor.
- I can go along with that.
- I say we put formula in
bottle,
put a fancy sticker on it
and then sell it for 19.99.
No lumps, no doubts, no
accidents.
- No credit checks.
(speaking foreign language)
Just kidding, just kidding.
That sounds good, it does sound
good.
- But how we sell it?
- You're asking how we sell it?
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- [Sake] Yes.
I got it.
when they see how well it works.
- Then my old man will take over
and before we know it phone will
be
ring ring ringing off hook.
- Hallelujah brother Sake.
Hallelujah.
- Have mercy on me!
- Ah skroot!
- Oh yeah I fell for it.
(both talking gibberish)
- It's gonna be good,
gonna buy a Cadillac.
- Monkey try, monkey try.
- Very funny, very funny
ha ha ha ha.
- There's these two punks see
and they're up to something,
something that could be big.
When you put this stuff
on, women go crazy.
They're all over you.
They can't keep their hands off
you.
- No shit?
- Yeah, would I shit you?
You and I are gonna get
to the bottom of this
and when we do you're
gonna have enough dough
to last you a life time of music
lessons.
(laughs)
(guys humming)
- Sure good of Ernie to
mix us up a big batch.
- You can say that again.
- Sure good of Ernie to
mix us up a big batch.
- No no no, I didn't mean say
it again I just Sake you know.
- You know I understand.
- No no no, I didn't mean say
it again I just Sake you know.
- Ain't nothing gonna stop us,
nothing.
- Not hail, not sleep, not
snow, not even banditos amigo!
(screams)
- What the hell is this stuff?
- Oh best thing ever invented.
Put one dab on and you get girl
like that.
- Come on, what kind of
con you got going here?
What's the gag, what
are you guys' line here?
- Come on, what kind of
con you got going here?
You've got my word on it.
- Oh yeah I got your word on it?
- Mm-hmm.
- Why don't you come out
here and show me that boy.
- Okay.
You asked for it.
Hm.
Oh.
Let's see.
(sexy saxophone music)
See, hello, hello.
Hi, come on down.
Hi, come on down, come on down.
Your man's here, come on down.
Hello.
- Want to come and tie me up
sometime?
- No no no no.
Lay down.
(shouts excitedly)
(sexy saxophone music)
Roll over.
Now count to three and roar like
lion.
- One two three (roars).
(Asian-style pop music)
♪ He's just a little guy
with a great big dream ♪
♪ Nobody had a clue when
he appeared on the scene ♪
♪ Now he hits the beach
♪ All the girls go wild
♪ He's got a wicked love potion
♪
♪ But his manner is mild
♪ Hot Sake
♪ When he wears his cologne
♪ You'll feel intoxicated
♪ You'll fall head over heels
♪ With this magic he's created
♪ There's no way out
♪ He'll lock you in his spell
♪ You'll be turning Japanese
♪ And hearing bells
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Now remember Sake you gotta
move quick ♪
♪ Because the bad guys are
coming ♪
♪ And they know your trick
♪ To getting the ladies
and driving them crazy ♪
♪ Hot Sake, you better be quick
♪
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Sayonara Sake
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Hot Sake
- I don't know about you Barky,
but I'm ready for a hot new
story.
(dog barks)
Oh I love the way you say that
Barky.
(phone rings)
Andrea Applegate, ace
investigative news reporter,
I'm on my way.
(synthesizer music)
- Up next.
- Yeah.
- Oh a bottle, oh thanks for the
tip.
- Thank you bye by bye.
- All right let get one of
those.
- Okay brother.
- Okay.
- Hey hey hey hey, give me
yeah get out of here you goof.
(Asian-themed pop music)
- All right Greg, come on
let's go see if we can see.
(crowd shouting)
- I'll take everything you've
got.
- Just one bottle per customer,
$159.99.
- $159?
- And 99 cents.
- You've gotta be kidding.
- I am not kidding.
I am Sake.
- Wait wait wait wait yeah
okay okay okay I'll take it.
- Okay thank you.
Bye bye, have fun.
(Asian-themed pop music)
(crowd shouting)
- Reporting live from
Bendover Bitch, uh Beach,
were pandemonium runs supreme,
the cause passion potion where
the promise
of a little dab will do you.
Personally I'd like to stick
my finger down my throat,
plaster these two
sexually-starved morons
with a stomach full of taco
salad.
Two young entrepreneurs are
responsible
for this phenomenon Chad
Frederick IV and Sake Oahola.
Obviously, breast fed much
too soon and much too long.
These hucksters are getting rich
(screams)
while the women of America
are getting screwed. (screams)
- This whole thing's gonna be
like taking candy from a baby.
- You deliver me the goods
and I'll deliver you the cash.
20,000 smackers, that's our
deal.
- Well I'll tell you.
I'll do better than that.
I'll deliver you the
one who makes this shit.
(laughs)
- You, I thought I told you
I never wanted to see you again.
- Just hear me out.
- No, no there's nothing more to
say.
- Yes there is.
I love you.
♪ Just let me love you
♪ Whisper in your ear
♪ Tell you I need you
♪ With me forever
♪ Just let me hold you
♪ Put your lips to mine
♪ Feel my love for you
- I'm really sorry about the
other day.
I don't know what came over me.
♪ Say that you're mine
♪ Until the end of time
- I found out what you were
doing.
Sneaking around with a notebook
- Not gonna do it again,
no more notebooks.
- You promise?
- I promise.
- If you can promise...
(dramatic military music)
- Chatsworth Frederick III.
- Fourth.
(dramatic military music)
- Fifth, sixth.
Ninth, oh Chat.
10th, oh Chat, the 16th,
oh my God, the 16th, 17th.
♪ Hallelujah hallelujah oh
(laughs)
(dramatic military music)
- [Andrea] This is Andrea
Applegate,
I'm here with Mr. Sake Oahola.
♪ I'm Sake Oahola and I'm
Japanese ♪
♪ I just came over on the high
seas ♪
♪ Chat Frederick IV
he's a really cool guy ♪
♪ We just invented something
I know you want to buy ♪
♪ This little item's
called Passion Potion ♪
- [Andrea] Mr. Oahola, Mr.
Oahola
♪ By applying just one simple
little dab ♪
♪ You get plenty of girls
with the first stab ♪
♪ So come on down to Waimea
Beach ♪
♪ To get the wild and
wonderful feminine each ♪
♪ So thank you thank you
♪ Come on down
- [Andrea] This is Andrea
signing off of Waimea.
(dramatic military music)
- Who are you?
- Let's dance.
- Oh I don't want to dance
with you, let go of me.
You're not my friend.
(dramatic military music)
- You're gonna help me make us
cash kid.
- I don't have any cash
cash, no no no please.
No no, stop, no please, no!
Help!
- I'd also like to say that--
- We're reporting live--
- Buddy buddy Sandy, put it
down.
Don't you think we should check
on Ernie?
- You're not gonna slither
out of this one buddy.
(something rustles)
- You can do what you want,
but I'm gonna check on your
brother.
(suspenseful music)
- Get me out of here!
Watch me!
(screams)
(punch rings out)
No stop! (screams)
- Listen will ya, our little
friend here's
got the formula see
and our new buddy Les is
gonna beat it out of him.
We've got no choice.
That's why we gotta do what we
gotta do.
(laughs)
- I think you need a closer
shave kid.
(chainsaw roars)
(chainsaw sputters)
(laughs)
- Stop. (laughs)
Please. (laughs)
- Come on you little snake,
make it easier on yourself.
Tell us the formula.
Hoochie koochie koochie.
(laughs)
(dramatic spy music)
- What you got?
- I think they went that a way.
- Did you see that the kidnapper
- No no no, I said he
was wearing green camos.
I really didn't get a good look
at him.
- I think we've got a
snatching on our hands.
- Of course we've got a
snatching on our hands.
That's why we called you.
(dramatic spy music)
(gun shots ringing out)
- Oh my God Sake!
- Sake, Sake, buddy, buddy,
buddy!
- Are you all right?
- You okay?
(laughs)
- Come on you little snake,
make it easier on yourself
and tell us the formula.
- Uh uh uh uh.
(laughs)
- Last chance kid.
- Never.
- You've got no choice now yeah.
(coughs)
- No.
(laughs)
(coughs)
No!
(laughs)
(laughs)
(coughs)
Okay, okay, I give up, I give
up.
♪ Fat Daddy he's so bad
♪ Fat Daddy what a cad
♪ He's rotten through and
through ♪
♪ You never know what he's gonna
do ♪
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Wop wop woo
- Hey girls, what's shaking?
Okay okay okay enough already.
Love me?
- Forever.
- This much.
You do what I say?
- You name it gorgeous.
- I'm your slave sugar.
- Good, good.
Put these on
and go to the Roosevelt Hotel,
Room 316.
Don't come back until
you bring me some dough.
- You said it sweetie.
- Anything you say Big Daddy.
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
- I don't see why we just
don't sell the stuff,
instead of going through all
this trouble.
- Are you kidding?
This shit's gonna be bad in no
time.
People are gonna start
asking for their money back.
Running hookers is the only way.
It's the world's oldest
profession
and I'm the only guy in town
with the power to make it
the world's most profitable
profession.
- Yeah, hey that's pretty smart.
- You stick with me kid
and you'll go places.
♪ Fat Daddy woo
(retro pop music)
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
(retro pop music)
(girl moans)
- What good is it sitting around
waiting for the phone to ring?
- If there were gonna demand a
ransom,
they would have already done it.
- I count $98,469.
- There's no two ways about it.
We've gotta go out there
and find Ernie before it's too
late.
And if we have to pay the
snatchers,
we pay the snatchers.
- Right.
- Guys listen turn it up Sake.
- We interrupt this program to
bring you
a special news bulletin.
- We interrupt this program to
bring you
- Scratching their heads?
- That's right, scratching their
heads,
trying to account for the
disappearance of over 100 women
all missing in the Monowaki
Beach area.
- Gosh, that's right up the
road.
- Shh shh listen listen.
- What?
- [News Reporter] They're
actually
rubbing their nuts on this one.
An incredible high number of
prostitutes
have taken over the city's
hotels.
It's utter bedlam.
According to one eyewitness
report,
bellboys, desk clerks and hotel
patrons
are being sexually harassed and
assaulted
by a wave of blond-haired women.
- I know that slob, I know that
slob.
- Yeah.
- They're the snatchers!
Sake, Sake, go to the
kitchen, call the police
and tell them we think Ernie's
in the Monowaki Beach area.
- Aye aye!
(cartoon TV noises banging)
- It's okay.
- Police are on their way.
Meet us there in 10 minutes.
Come on!
- [Ernie Voiceover] Oh boy.
What am I gonna do?
I'm so nervous.
What am I gonna do?
This is ridiculous.
What am I gonna do?
I'm in a cage.
Oh what am I gonna do?
Oh jeez, I don't know.
I've gotta be locked in here
with Mario,
that guy with the mustache.
Oh it's unbelievable
the way they treat me.
Wait one second.
I know it.
I'll change the potion
to make him like me.
Why not?
(laughs) Oh yeah yeah, now
put the whole thing in,
I want to get the whole thing
in there, yeah there we go.
There a little more, a little
more.
Oh boy, yeah put the whole thing
in.
(laughs) I'm such a sneak.
Yeah look at me, look,
go ahead mix it. (laughs)
Oh jeez.
- Woohoo, we hit the jackpot
this time.
You two come on in here yeah.
Stay right there, stop.
This one's for you and this
one's for you.
You ladies come with me.
Yeah zombie muffins.
Hey what's going on in there?
You girls have been in there
long enough.
Get out of there.
Come on!
Both of you.
You can go in here.
- Were the cops supposed to meet
us here?
(ominous choral music)
(ominous tribal music)
- Sandy, Sandy it's me Ernie!
- Get back in there you little
creep.
- No!
- Get back in there!
- This one's mine Mario.
- Save it for later.
I want her butt wiggling
some bucks for me.
- No way dude.
(screams)
(sexy saxophone music)
I have a song especially for you
baby.
♪ Oh my little Sandy
♪ Little mutt sweeter than
brandy ♪
♪ With me your big
♪ On my face you'll sit
(groans)
(sniffs loudly)
(screams in muffled tones)
- She was right behind us,
next thing I know boom she's
gone.
(dramatic spy music)
- Now cut that out.
- Sounds like magic to me.
- Something fishy going on here.
- Another case of foul play.
- Just doesn't add up.
- I don't get it.
- Beats the hell out of me.
- Hell if I know.
- Just can't figure it out.
- I'm hungry.
- Me too.
- How's sushi sound?
- It doesn't sound like that.
- Well of course sushi doesn't
make noise
and I don't care, I like the
way they cook it either way.
(screams in muffled tones)
(police radio chattering)
(dramatic spy music)
- [Chat] We're better off
with those two goof cops gone.
- That's the truth.
- You know what we gotta do?
We got to find a couple of
blonds,
we've got whip that
stuff, that's our answer.
- Good idea, maybe we can go to
hotels.
- Yeah, Sake, look we
don't have to, over there.
- Oh yes, look.
(synthesizer pop music)
- We're looking for a
girl and a boy about 12.
- Yes.
One with glasses kind of short.
- Aren't we choosy.
- This is gonna run
you four or $500 sugar.
- You don't understand.
There's been a snatching.
- Yes, we think bandits are in
our area.
- I haven't got a clue honey.
(screams)
- Ah yeah yeah.
(synthesizer pop music)
- Now tell me, who's your
pimp and where's he live?
(screams)
- Hey!
- What?
- Quit messing with the broad.
Get your ass in here.
- Okay I'm coming.
(screams)
I'll be back.
I'll be back for you in a
second.
(screams)
- Hey, hey Tarzan!
Mix it thick.
I want him to sink deep.
- He's gonna sink so fast
he's gonna pop up in
a rice paddy in China.
(laughs)
You bet.
- Ernie.
Oh Ernie.
Hey bud, come on, come on,
you're doing a good job.
Slap me five.
- Hey stop, I thought
I was doing good, stop.
(cartoon noise boings)
- Hey what are you doing?
I thought we were friends.
- You no friend.
You asshole. (laughs)
(laughs)
- What do you think Greg?
Ready to go?
- Ready.
- How do I look?
- You look marvelous.
- This is Andrea Applegate
reporting live from Manowaki
Beach,
an area beset by a rash of
puzzling disappearances.
Normally, there'd be large
groups of beach goers
at this time of day, but
the string of unexplained
missing women have sent sun
worshippers into their homes
behind locked doors and to begin
a vigil
for their missing loved ones.
(dog barks)
(dog whines)
(laughs)
As I was saying, reports are
sketchy,
but a reliable source informs me
that women are being
turned into sexual zombies.
(spits loudly)
Disgusting, isn't it?
I for one am sick to death of
men who treat women like dirt.
Like pieces of shit, like
kumquat pie,
easy meat, tuna salad,
so I pledge my support to
my female sisters everywhere
that I Andrea Applegate ace
investigative news reporter
will stay on the job
until I find the scum who is
responsible for this filth
and turn him into a
citizen's castration comedy.
- You know I don't know whether
you could understand me or not,
but I really want to thank you
for getting me out of there.
You're a real pal.
Would you help me find my sister
though?
I'm really worried about her
kinda.
Oh.
(ominous choral music)
- You're mine!
Open this door!
(ominous choral music)
(ominous tribal music)
(girls shouting)
(ominous tribal music)
- Don't move!
This will only take a minute.
(jack hammer rattles)
This ain't working.
- Hey, can I try jacking him
off?
- Be my guest.
Yeah, a little lower, a little
lower yeah yeah right there.
Yeah.
(jack hammer rattles)
(laughs)
- Where are they?
- There there!
- They're over there, the hotel!
Let's go, come on guys, come on.
(speaking foreign language)
- Come on, come on.
- Come on.
- Check upstairs now.
- Right.
(girls moaning)
- Liz?
- You jump it I pump it.
- What?
- Get your hands off me.
Nothing for nothing.
- Chat, Chat, Sandy's friend,
remember?
I'm Chat, I'm Chat.
- Screw off dirtball.
Put up or shut up.
- This will neutralize the
effects here.
- Give it to her.
- Hold on, hold on.
- I don't know what you
meatballs are up to,
but don't try anything
till you flash the cash.
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
- Come on in.
(80s-style pop music)
(screams)
- Liz, have you seen Sandy?
- Uh.
- Come on think.
- Last time I saw her
she was at the hideaway.
- Well what are we waiting for?
Let's go find her.
(sexy pop music)
- Oh boy, this is for you.
Here goes.
I want you.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Yeah.
(Asian-style pop music)
- Hold the phone.
I recognize that sound.
You go ahead.
I'll meet you there later.
(Asian-style pop music)
- Oh more, yes, yes!
Yes, take it off!
Yes.
More more more more more.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, take it off.
- Father, father, father!
Excuse me.
(speaking foreign language)
- Ah my number one son.
I have heard news of your love
potion.
Have traveled far to
participate in your success.
Your love potion really really
works.
- Oh, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes oh.
(laughs) Oh.
Peach cream and sky blue ooh
sweetheart.
I love you.
I hear the music and the frolic.
When I look into your eyes,
you make my heart beat faster
faster faster faster ooh.
- Come on now, come on.
- Oh yes.
- Come on now, come on.
- [Sake] Break it up break it
up.
- Give it to me baby.
- Oh no more.
Let's go dad.
- Oh my Lord, good heavens.
- You butt rat, come back
to me right now I want you.
(Asian-style pop music)
- Your most deserving son,
(Asian-style pop music)
for myself and my honorable
partner
Chat Frederick IV (speaking
foreign language).
(pants heavily)
- Sandy, you're all mine.
- Hey lay off beach ball breath.
- Come on.
(punch rings out)
Take a look at her for the last
time pal
you're going on her.
(grunts)
(punch rings out)
You won't get her.
(screams)
- That was for Sandy.
This is for Chat.
- Let me go, get your hands off!
(groans)
- [Girl] Get in there.
- [Girl] And stay there you
wuss.
- Sandy, Sandy?
Are you okay?
Sandy?
- Chat.
- Sandy, you're okay?
- Chat, yeah.
(dramatic spy music)
(gun shots ringing out)
- Get down.
(gun shots ringing out)
- This way.
(screams)
(lion roars)
(everybody screams)
- You tied up?
I'll untie you.
- Yeah.
♪ Baby you are the key to my
heart ♪
♪ Darling who'll love you
right from the start ♪
♪ Oh it's true only you could
love me ♪
♪ And you knew
♪ Baby you
(Asian-style pop music)
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
(retro jazz music)
♪ Baby you baby you
(surfer rock music)
♪ He doesn't shower me with
diamonds ♪
♪ Or smother me in fancy fur
coats ♪
♪ He never takes me out to
dinner ♪
♪ Or sends me passionate love
notes ♪
♪ But there's one thing
that I know for sure ♪
♪ What's he got I want more
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance by candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
- Oh ho!
- Oh baby.
- Sonny wait.
(screams)
- Party on the boat, tomorrow be
there.
(everybody shouts)
(surfer rock music)
- Watch it!
- Stupid jerk!
- Watch it!
- You moron!
(screams)
(speaking foreign language)
- Terribly sorry, terribly
sorry.
(surfer rock music)
(water hisses)
(surfer rock music)
(cartoonish boom resounds)
(80s synthesizer music)
- Get him!
- Get that guy!
♪ Keeping to myself
(cartoonish car wheels
squeaking)
♪ It's all my love
♪ Gonna give you all my love
♪ Must be magic
- [Girls] Go go!
♪ Hear me knocking lady
♪ I'm right outside your door
♪ I've got the potion
♪ And baby love's the cure
♪ Get ready for love
♪ Looking out for love
♪ Must be magic
♪ You'll believe in magic
♪ When you're locked within my
spell ♪
(grunts)
- [Girl On Radio] There he is.
Come on, good we got him,
slowly, slowly.
Got him.
- Oh no!
- He's gonna get away.
- Get him!
♪ Get ready for love
♪ Looking out for love
♪ Must be magic
- Slow down!
- Stop!
- Stop!
- Come here.
- Now here this, now here this.
Hey this is your captain
speaking.
Hey gang, let's party, come on!
(tropical pop music)
- Hey Alex!
(tropical pop music)
(tropical pop music)
(crowd cheering and clapping)
- [Man Voiceover] Clean
the ship, go ahead.
Some day this will be mine.
Clean wipe this town.
It's all I do, I work on this
ship.
I want to get a ship someday
and just sail and meet chicks.
Is that too much of a goal
in life to meet chicks?
(rowdy rock music)
All right let's steer this
puppy.
All hands on feet.
Oh God, work work work work.
Something has gotta happen in my
life.
Huh?
No no no no no way.
She must think I'm captain.
She thinks I'm captain I bet.
(rowdy rock music)
Oh God, don't pop!
This is really not happening.
It's real, this is real.
There's oh no, there's
fresh fruit in season.
I don't believe this no
no, yes, yes yes yes yeah.
Oh no, they're staring
right at me, what do I do?
I bet no no.
Somebody I'm gonna kiss them.
Quit staring, she
notices it's too obvious.
Fucker, just nibble on those
noogies.
That a bad line, that's a
bad line, kid, you know.
Stay, look, look at me look at
my face
I don't want to look at your
face.
She thinks I'm the captain.
She has to think I'm a captain.
This would not happen.
(rowdy rock music)
(Asian-themed electronic music)
Enjoy, don't put, I don't.
This isn't happening.
This is oh God.
(rowdy rock music)
No no, don't go down on looking
away.
There is no way I can touch
this.
This is not happening.
I would die if I, don't you go
down.
What if my girlfriend found out?
I would, wait I don't have
a girlfriend wait a minute.
Oh, just gonna enjoy it.
(80s-style synthesizer music)
♪ He's just a little guy
with a great big dream ♪
♪ Nobody had a clue when
he appeared on the scene ♪
♪ Now he hits the beach
♪ All the girls go wild
♪ He's got a wicked love potion
♪
♪ But his manner is mild
♪ Hot Sake
♪ When he wears his cologne
♪ You feel intoxicated
♪ You'll fall head over heels
♪ With this magic he's created
♪ There's no way out
♪ He'll lock you in his spell
♪ You'll be turning Japanese
♪ And hearing bells
♪ Hot Sake
♪ So long Sake
♪ Hot Sake
(rowdy rock music)
- Wait a minute, a
phone number, your name?
Hey!
(punch rings out)
What did you do that for?
- You pay him before you leave.
- What are you talking about?
- 500 clams moron.
She was my best.
- You've gotta be kidding, she--
- Would I kid you?
- You want it, come and get it.
- Go get him.
(grunts)
(laughs)
(grunts)
(laughs)
- Bitch!
- Oh!
(gun shot rings out)
(surfer rock music)
(wheels screeching)
(surfer rock music)
Watch out!
(screams)
Hey man, if it's about that
money,
you can tell them to forget it,
I don't owe them a thing.
- I'm forever grateful
that you saved my life.
(surfer rock music)
Girls are really strange
creatures.
(surfer rock music)
- Hey Sandy, with your parents
going away for two weeks,
we can have some fun.
- They haven't even left yet.
- Come on Sandy, before we know
it,
summer will be over with
and we'll have nothing to show
for it.
- What do you mean?
- Boyfriends, what else?
- Is that all you ever think
about?
- (laughs) Well at least I think
about it.
(bike engine rumbling)
(guitar music)
- First of all let me explain
myself.
You see my father is very very
rich.
He owns big Ginza knife
company back in Japan.
He say to me I discover
answer to universal question
and how to get the girl
he will pay me 100,000 American
dollar.
That's a lot of sushi, huh?
- Yeah, I'd say.
- Yeah, so I've come here to the
beach
to write a book on how to answer
mystery.
I call it Opening Lines
That Really Really Work.
- Or Opening Lines That
Really Really Don't Work.
- You tell me if I come
on a little too strong,
okay?
- All right.
Okay.
- Show me your melons mama.
I want to squeeze those doggies
dry.
Bend over baby.
I want to nibble on your
noogies,
huh huh huh?
- No no no no.
- [Sake] How about this, sit on
my face--
- Okay that's enough, no no no
no more.
No no no I don't need to hear
anymore.
- But I hadn't got to good ones
yet.
- Yeah, you never will,
you won't live long enough.
- What, what I say wrong?
(large boom resounds)
- Sake are you gonna come along?
(motorcycle engine rumbles)
(large boom resounds)
- Christ, my baby are you all
right?
- [Husband] That little
Einstein's ruined everything.
He won't live to have hair on
his nuts.
- What, he has already
hair on his jugglers dear.
- Oh?
(coughs)
- Where is my baby?
Where are you?
- All right you little
bastard, come out of there?
- Ernie, Ernie answer us, where
are you?
- Where's the fire?
- Where is fire?
- Who the hell are you?
- Where is fire?
(speaking foreign language)
- And who the hell are you?
♪ Love me forever
♪ Just like we all need
- Give me a brush.
- Sure is hot in here dude.
- Out, out, everybody out
of here, move move move.
Ernie, I don't want it to happen
again.
I don't want you to get in
trouble.
I want you to live the
basement in one piece
and the rest of the house.
You're making me nervous.
I'm going crazy.
- Sorry dad, have a good time
anyway okay?
- Now Ernie give your
dad a big hug and a kiss
right here right here that a
boy.
- By now love you.
- Let's go dear, let's go move
it.
- Mom?
- Oh Ernie.
- Yeah.
- I love you.
Will you please clean yourself
up?
- Yeah bye.
- Bye dad.
- See you later guys.
You have a nice trip now.
- Bye.
Bye.
- Bye.
- Yeah, lots of souvenirs, bye.
- Bye.
- Hi.
Think you'd maybe like to go out
later?
- I don't know, maybe.
- Dude, scram!
- Who's this guy?
- Who you calling toad bud?
- Get off man!
- What are you doing?
Get off him, come on.
Cut it out guys.
- If somebody
gets hit then you're
gonna have to take me.
- Take that.
- I didn't even hit him.
- What is that shit?
(grunts)
(laughs)
What'd you do?
Ernie, what did you do?
- Did I get him, did I get him
or what?
- That'll stop him.
(motorcycle engine rumbles)
- You know with your
knowhow and my dedication,
we can make a very good team.
With my approach, universal
question on how to get girl
may no longer be a mystery.
- What are you talking about?
that's what I'm talking about.
- Well since I'm dry docked,
I could use some green backs.
- So?
- So.
- So?
- So.
- So?
- So partners!
- Partners!
- Yeah!
- Okay, first off, skip the
insults,
start with the compliments.
- Ah, my father always
say put honey on flower
and bee go right to it.
- Exactly, exactly say
something nice to a girl
and bee go right to it.
- Eating out of hand.
Well time to do it, partner,
let's go.
(speaking foreign language)
- Hi Sandy, this is Sandy.
It sounded like your voice I
could tell.
This is Chat.
Right from today?
You remembered, well great.
I was gonna ask would you
like to go out tonight?
You would?
I was gonna ask would you
like to go out tonight?
Tonight, sure I can.
All right can't wait to see you.
All right great, all right.
Yes!
(retro love music)
♪ Baby you have all the keys to
my heart ♪
♪ Darling who'll love you
right from the start ♪
♪ Oh, it's true only you
could love me like you do ♪
♪ Baby you baby you
♪ Baby you make this moment oh
so rare ♪
♪ Now's the time we've both
found forever to share ♪
♪ Just us two dancing under the
moon ♪
♪ Only two
♪ Baby you baby you
♪ We'll face hard times
♪ But we will survive
♪ Through our laughter
the tears cannot hide ♪
- Sleep tight.
- Hey dude, watch it.
(screams)
- I got it, I got it.
Excuse me.
- Yes?
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Yes?
what great shape you're in.
- Thank you.
- You must be very very proud.
- Your beauty is remarkable.
- Dazzling.
- Two Zs.
- Z, Z.
- Spellbinding.
- [Both] Spellbinding, yeah!
- Z, Z.
- Spellbinding.
- But I especially like your
big bugsy bush buzzers boing!
(kick rings out)
Sorry.
(fly buzzes)
(sexy saxophone music)
- Excuse me young lady.
You you.
- You talking to me.
- May I take those off?
- Sure.
- You have the most
gorgeous I've ever seen.
- I do?
- I've been dreaming about a
woman like you all my life.
- You have?
- Yes.
- If you turn me away, my
heart would stop beating.
I would die, I would die.
- Oh no, I wouldn't.
- You're the answer to my
prayers.
- I am?
- You're a give from God above.
- Praise Jesus!
- No no no no no.
(surfer rock music)
(laughs)
(surfer rock music)
(surfer rock music)
(screams)
(surfer rock music)
- Hiya punk!
You're in just in time
to catch our next act.
(muscle squeaks)
(speaking foreign language)
Come on mutt!
♪ Oh Monday I grabbed her bottom
ankle ♪
♪ Tuesday I grabbed her at the
knee ♪
♪ And Wednesday success
♪ I lifted up her dress
♪ On Thursday I got a look
at her string bikini ♪
♪ Ooh on Friday I put
my hands right on them ♪
♪ Saturday I gave her cheeks a
tweak ♪
♪ On Sunday after supper I
rammed it right on up her ♪
♪ Bitch
- You trying to be singer?
- You trying to be a funny man?
- Hmm?
- You trying to be a funny man?
- Lay off him Tarzan.
- Nobody touches me.
Excuse me.
Why don't you eat it, Jack?
- What do you want him to eat?
- You're cruising for a bruising
buster.
- I said to lay off.
- Hit the road toad.
(screams)
- Loser!
(80s-style pop music)
(screams)
(80-style pop music)
- Hey boys, your place or mine?
(screams)
(surfer rock music)
(screams)
(surfer rock music)
(tender ballad music)
- We almost died that time.
- Whew, yeah, but at least we
know we're on the right track.
- Whoa whoa whoa look two
bikinis at 10 o'clock.
- Excuse me ladies, excuse me.
- No no no excuse me excuse me.
May I compliment you both on
your soft and radiant skin?
It is like breath of fresh air
to see something so beautiful.
And your eyes--
- If I may add something
if I may add something?
(speaking foreign language)
- Please please.
(speaking foreign language)
- Truly, truly.
- Why thank you.
That was very sweet of you to
say.
- [Chat] Oh well I was
just speaking the truth.
- You guys doing anything later
on?
- Uh uh uh uh.
- Later on?
What's wrong with right now?
(screams)
- [Sake] Ooh baby yeah uh huh uh
huh.
- [Sandy's Friend Voiceover]
Mm, wait till I tell Sandy
about this one.
- Listen up.
Listen up.
You're gonna see two guys.
Mr. Long and a guy named Harry.
Make sure they pay upfront.
No traveler's checks.
And be back in an hour.
Now move it!
- Which house Fat Daddy?
- Down the block, third
house from the right
and quit calling me Fat Daddy.
- (laughs) Fat Daddy.
(groovy jazz music)
♪ Fat Daddy, he's so bad
♪ Fat Daddy what a cad
♪ He's rotten through and
through ♪
- It's this one or that one.
♪ Fat Daddy, fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
- Or maybe it was that one.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
♪ Fat Daddy, hot pursuit
♪ He's coming to get the loot
♪ To get on his hands
on that love potion ♪
♪ In heaven if you get the
notion ♪
♪ Oh Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Wop wop woo
(hums)
♪ Fat Daddy you better slow down
♪
♪ Your name is burnt up all over
town ♪
- Wow, oh boy my binoculars
are getting steamy, oh geez,
would you look at that?
Please come to Ernie girls,
that's right.
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
♪ Come on Fat Daddy
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
- Ernie, can you see who's at
the door?
♪ Fat Daddy
- Are you Harry or Long?
- Both.
- Well, we're your dates then.
- Right this way.
- Yeah of course he does.
I don't know.
I'm nervous.
I don't what I'm gonna do
if he tries to kiss me.
(cartoon slider noise rings out)
(liquid bubbling loudly)
- Hi.
- Great.
Even better and.
- Chat, they're beautiful.
- Thanks.
- Thank you.
- Thank you.
- It's nice.
- Thanks.
- Why don't you come in?
- Mm.
(liquid bubbling loudly)
(moans)
(phone rings)
- The phone.
- Uh uh.
(phone rings)
- Hello?
No, he's right here.
What?
Oh my, I'll talk to you later.
You!
- What?
- A knife?
A knife?
No no put the knife down.
- I mean it, how many others?
- No others, I swear is that
sharp?
That is sharp?
- Yes.
- Put it down.
- No!
- Oh Rosie, I'm home.
Holy shit!
- You stay out of this.
- Sake, help, call Fred, Call
Ethel, little rookie anybody.
Help me, somebody help me.
- I'm not a bad guy.
I hardly know you.
We just met.
You're making a big mistake.
- Your turn!
Over there!
Quick!
(screams)
- Oh my!
- You okie dokie amigo?
- [Chat] I think so, no blood
right?
No broken bones.
- Opening line no good huh?
- Sake, I think this is gonna be
a lot tougher than I thought.
- Whoa!
I love those shakers mama.
- Shh shh!
- I want to shake them.
- Shh Sake, shh Sake!
- Grab them and squeeze them--
- Would you, shh Sake!
Quiet quiet quiet quiet!
- You guys are going about this
all wrong.
- Hey hey what are you talking
about?
- Your crude and unusual
approach
of the subject matter maybe.
- What he say?
- I don't know.
Get to the point.
Well after witnessing
your misguided approach
to the female honey hole
(laughs) I have concluded
that your research
would be immeasurably aided
by science's most recent
resource.
(snaps fingers)
A full-proof stimulant
previously unknown to man.
Let me just say one thing,
one drop of this and
any woman can be yours.
- Come on Ernie!
- Cut that out!
- From the looks of things
you're too weird already.
Yeah, if you don't watch it,
you're gonna be locked in a
room with the white walls yeah.
- Yes, straight in the jacket!
- Oh no would you stop that?
Well I'll tell you what,
I'll become partners.
I'll make this stuff and
you guys can sell it.
Deal?
- You're serious?
- I'm not kidding you.
- Yeah, but how we know
that this stuff works huh?
- Well I will demonstrate.
Now these guys they stay out
would you watch yourself?
- Sorry sorry sorry okay.
- [Ernie] These mice, they
stay on opposite sides
of each other for one
reason and one reason only.
- They don't like each other?
- They're mortal enemies.
Now I want you guys to watch
this
and watch very carefully.
(hums weird horror movie music)
Watch!
(mouse squeaks)
(laughs)
(mouse squeaks)
(laughs)
Did I tell you, what did I tell
you?
- Bad rat, bad rat.
- Do you believe me now?
- Good boy good boy.
- [Chat] I think so.
Make some money.
(retro jazz music)
- Whole stinking hour,
where are those hoes?
- Those hoes?
- Next time I'm gonna put a
leash on them.
- Put a leash on them.
- Yeah and we're gonna charge
those guys for over time.
What?
Let's go find them.
(retro jazz music)
(cartoony whistle slider blows)
(retro jazz music)
♪ Fat Daddy hot pursuit
♪ He's scheming to get the loot
♪
♪ In his pants he's got a potion
♪
♪ In heaven if you get the
notion ♪
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
- Would you cut that out?
♪ Fat Daddy you better slow down
♪
♪ Your name is burnt up all over
town ♪
♪ Pretty girls want your kind
♪ 'Cause you love them
and you leave them blind ♪
♪ You're rotten through and
through ♪
♪ You never know what you're
gonna do ♪
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Fat Daddy ooh
♪ Wop wop woo
♪ Come on Fat Daddy
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Wop wop woo
♪ Fat Daddy yeah
- Which one of you long or
harry?
- You Caucasians are weird.
- You?
- You!
- Pay up junior.
- I don't owe you a thing, Jack.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
- What is this?
- Hey hey back off goon.
- What did you say?
- He said for you to back off,
because you're stupid, you're
lame,
you're ugly and you smell, ha!
- I didn't say all that.
I didn't say all that.
- You meant it.
- No I didn't.
(punch rings out)
(retro jazz music)
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
- This stuff is the future,
our fame and fortune.
- But because it works on mice
it does not mean it work on
girls.
- Does it work on girls?
Hey, there's only way to find
out.
- Onward.
- And upward.
- Until we've conquered--
- The universe of
question on how to get the girl.
- Hallelujah, Sake dude,
hallelujah!
- Have mercy on me!
- Hey dudes!
- No!
(rowdy rock music)
- Which one of you is first?
- He is!
- He is!
(rowdy rock music)
(screams)
(80s-style pop music)
- This time we do it, no more
bad luck.
- Well I'll say that we're about
due.
- Whoa!
- What what what?
- Hot tamales, look alive, whoa!
(screams)
- Hiya hiya hiya!
(screams)
Let's do it.
- Oh yeah, come on,
come on, come on, come on.
(screams)
♪ He doesn't shower me with
diamonds ♪
♪ Or smother me in fancy fur
coats ♪
♪ He never takes me out to
dinner ♪
♪ Or sends me passionate love
notes ♪
♪ But there's one that I know
for sure ♪
♪ What he's got I want more
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance in candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ And he's got me
- [Girl] Oh, I gotta have it
baby!
(girls talking)
- Come to me momma baby.
- Here we go, here we come.
- Yeah.
- Oh.
- That's you.
- Oh oh.
- Let's go girls.
- Oh yes!
(girls talking)
- [Girls] There he is, let's go
get him!
- Help me, help me you
moron, keep him inside.
Keep them in there.
- [Man] What's going on over
here?
♪ He won't be starring in the
movies ♪
♪ His looks are out of date it's
crazy ♪
♪ And when I wonder I love him
♪ My thinking gets a little hazy
♪
♪ It's something that I feel
inside ♪
♪ He looks at me and I can't
hide ♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance at candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ And he's got me
(retro pop music)
(girls talking)
- Women women women jackpot!
- We won't live long enough to
spend it!
(girls talking)
(retro pop music)
♪ Try it once and then you'll
know ♪
♪ He's your destiny
♪ And standing by his side
♪ Is where you ought to be
♪ You'll be glad he's
got the magic potion ♪
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That's he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance by candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ And he's got me
- Over here!
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ He's got me
(retro pop music)
- You go first.
- Yeah.
- If this kid's stuff works
as well it did on them, we've
got it made.
That's it, pour that shit on.
Before you know it, there'll be
100 girls
working for yours truly, Mario
Iwackitoff.
Yeah.
And you too.
(sniffs) Ah.
Ah.
Lovely young nymphets joining
our stable.
(laughs)
Will you cut that out?
(waves crashing)
- Oof!
Jeez, give that back to me
brother.
- No mermaids attack us.
Must mean we get it all off.
- That's what I thought
when we lost the hospital.
- Until those two kamikaze
nurses attack us. (screams)
- I don't about you Sake dude,
- Until those two kamikaze
nurses attack us. (screams)
- I know what you say,
but good thing our
guinea pig days are over.
Now it is time to make money
and enjoy fruits of labor.
- I can go along with that.
- I say we put formula in
bottle,
put a fancy sticker on it
and then sell it for 19.99.
No lumps, no doubts, no
accidents.
- No credit checks.
(speaking foreign language)
Just kidding, just kidding.
That sounds good, it does sound
good.
- But how we sell it?
- You're asking how we sell it?
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
- [Sake] Yes.
I got it.
when they see how well it works.
- Then my old man will take over
and before we know it phone will
be
ring ring ringing off hook.
- Hallelujah brother Sake.
Hallelujah.
- Have mercy on me!
- Ah skroot!
- Oh yeah I fell for it.
(both talking gibberish)
- It's gonna be good,
gonna buy a Cadillac.
- Monkey try, monkey try.
- Very funny, very funny
ha ha ha ha.
- There's these two punks see
and they're up to something,
something that could be big.
When you put this stuff
on, women go crazy.
They're all over you.
They can't keep their hands off
you.
- No shit?
- Yeah, would I shit you?
You and I are gonna get
to the bottom of this
and when we do you're
gonna have enough dough
to last you a life time of music
lessons.
(laughs)
(guys humming)
- Sure good of Ernie to
mix us up a big batch.
- You can say that again.
- Sure good of Ernie to
mix us up a big batch.
- No no no, I didn't mean say
it again I just Sake you know.
- You know I understand.
- No no no, I didn't mean say
it again I just Sake you know.
- Ain't nothing gonna stop us,
nothing.
- Not hail, not sleep, not
snow, not even banditos amigo!
(screams)
- What the hell is this stuff?
- Oh best thing ever invented.
Put one dab on and you get girl
like that.
- Come on, what kind of
con you got going here?
What's the gag, what
are you guys' line here?
- Come on, what kind of
con you got going here?
You've got my word on it.
- Oh yeah I got your word on it?
- Mm-hmm.
- Why don't you come out
here and show me that boy.
- Okay.
You asked for it.
Hm.
Oh.
Let's see.
(sexy saxophone music)
See, hello, hello.
Hi, come on down.
Hi, come on down, come on down.
Your man's here, come on down.
Hello.
- Want to come and tie me up
sometime?
- No no no no.
Lay down.
(shouts excitedly)
(sexy saxophone music)
Roll over.
Now count to three and roar like
lion.
- One two three (roars).
(Asian-style pop music)
♪ He's just a little guy
with a great big dream ♪
♪ Nobody had a clue when
he appeared on the scene ♪
♪ Now he hits the beach
♪ All the girls go wild
♪ He's got a wicked love potion
♪
♪ But his manner is mild
♪ Hot Sake
♪ When he wears his cologne
♪ You'll feel intoxicated
♪ You'll fall head over heels
♪ With this magic he's created
♪ There's no way out
♪ He'll lock you in his spell
♪ You'll be turning Japanese
♪ And hearing bells
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Now remember Sake you gotta
move quick ♪
♪ Because the bad guys are
coming ♪
♪ And they know your trick
♪ To getting the ladies
and driving them crazy ♪
♪ Hot Sake, you better be quick
♪
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Sayonara Sake
♪ Hot Sake
♪ Hot Sake
- I don't know about you Barky,
but I'm ready for a hot new
story.
(dog barks)
Oh I love the way you say that
Barky.
(phone rings)
Andrea Applegate, ace
investigative news reporter,
I'm on my way.
(synthesizer music)
- Up next.
- Yeah.
- Oh a bottle, oh thanks for the
tip.
- Thank you bye by bye.
- All right let get one of
those.
- Okay brother.
- Okay.
- Hey hey hey hey, give me
yeah get out of here you goof.
(Asian-themed pop music)
- All right Greg, come on
let's go see if we can see.
(crowd shouting)
- I'll take everything you've
got.
- Just one bottle per customer,
$159.99.
- $159?
- And 99 cents.
- You've gotta be kidding.
- I am not kidding.
I am Sake.
- Wait wait wait wait yeah
okay okay okay I'll take it.
- Okay thank you.
Bye bye, have fun.
(Asian-themed pop music)
(crowd shouting)
- Reporting live from
Bendover Bitch, uh Beach,
were pandemonium runs supreme,
the cause passion potion where
the promise
of a little dab will do you.
Personally I'd like to stick
my finger down my throat,
plaster these two
sexually-starved morons
with a stomach full of taco
salad.
Two young entrepreneurs are
responsible
for this phenomenon Chad
Frederick IV and Sake Oahola.
Obviously, breast fed much
too soon and much too long.
These hucksters are getting rich
(screams)
while the women of America
are getting screwed. (screams)
- This whole thing's gonna be
like taking candy from a baby.
- You deliver me the goods
and I'll deliver you the cash.
20,000 smackers, that's our
deal.
- Well I'll tell you.
I'll do better than that.
I'll deliver you the
one who makes this shit.
(laughs)
- You, I thought I told you
I never wanted to see you again.
- Just hear me out.
- No, no there's nothing more to
say.
- Yes there is.
I love you.
♪ Just let me love you
♪ Whisper in your ear
♪ Tell you I need you
♪ With me forever
♪ Just let me hold you
♪ Put your lips to mine
♪ Feel my love for you
- I'm really sorry about the
other day.
I don't know what came over me.
♪ Say that you're mine
♪ Until the end of time
- I found out what you were
doing.
Sneaking around with a notebook
- Not gonna do it again,
no more notebooks.
- You promise?
- I promise.
- If you can promise...
(dramatic military music)
- Chatsworth Frederick III.
- Fourth.
(dramatic military music)
- Fifth, sixth.
Ninth, oh Chat.
10th, oh Chat, the 16th,
oh my God, the 16th, 17th.
♪ Hallelujah hallelujah oh
(laughs)
(dramatic military music)
- [Andrea] This is Andrea
Applegate,
I'm here with Mr. Sake Oahola.
♪ I'm Sake Oahola and I'm
Japanese ♪
♪ I just came over on the high
seas ♪
♪ Chat Frederick IV
he's a really cool guy ♪
♪ We just invented something
I know you want to buy ♪
♪ This little item's
called Passion Potion ♪
- [Andrea] Mr. Oahola, Mr.
Oahola
♪ By applying just one simple
little dab ♪
♪ You get plenty of girls
with the first stab ♪
♪ So come on down to Waimea
Beach ♪
♪ To get the wild and
wonderful feminine each ♪
♪ So thank you thank you
♪ Come on down
- [Andrea] This is Andrea
signing off of Waimea.
(dramatic military music)
- Who are you?
- Let's dance.
- Oh I don't want to dance
with you, let go of me.
You're not my friend.
(dramatic military music)
- You're gonna help me make us
cash kid.
- I don't have any cash
cash, no no no please.
No no, stop, no please, no!
Help!
- I'd also like to say that--
- We're reporting live--
- Buddy buddy Sandy, put it
down.
Don't you think we should check
on Ernie?
- You're not gonna slither
out of this one buddy.
(something rustles)
- You can do what you want,
but I'm gonna check on your
brother.
(suspenseful music)
- Get me out of here!
Watch me!
(screams)
(punch rings out)
No stop! (screams)
- Listen will ya, our little
friend here's
got the formula see
and our new buddy Les is
gonna beat it out of him.
We've got no choice.
That's why we gotta do what we
gotta do.
(laughs)
- I think you need a closer
shave kid.
(chainsaw roars)
(chainsaw sputters)
(laughs)
- Stop. (laughs)
Please. (laughs)
- Come on you little snake,
make it easier on yourself.
Tell us the formula.
Hoochie koochie koochie.
(laughs)
(dramatic spy music)
- What you got?
- I think they went that a way.
- Did you see that the kidnapper
- No no no, I said he
was wearing green camos.
I really didn't get a good look
at him.
- I think we've got a
snatching on our hands.
- Of course we've got a
snatching on our hands.
That's why we called you.
(dramatic spy music)
(gun shots ringing out)
- Oh my God Sake!
- Sake, Sake, buddy, buddy,
buddy!
- Are you all right?
- You okay?
(laughs)
- Come on you little snake,
make it easier on yourself
and tell us the formula.
- Uh uh uh uh.
(laughs)
- Last chance kid.
- Never.
- You've got no choice now yeah.
(coughs)
- No.
(laughs)
(coughs)
No!
(laughs)
(laughs)
(coughs)
Okay, okay, I give up, I give
up.
♪ Fat Daddy he's so bad
♪ Fat Daddy what a cad
♪ He's rotten through and
through ♪
♪ You never know what he's gonna
do ♪
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Wop wop woo
- Hey girls, what's shaking?
Okay okay okay enough already.
Love me?
- Forever.
- This much.
You do what I say?
- You name it gorgeous.
- I'm your slave sugar.
- Good, good.
Put these on
and go to the Roosevelt Hotel,
Room 316.
Don't come back until
you bring me some dough.
- You said it sweetie.
- Anything you say Big Daddy.
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
- I don't see why we just
don't sell the stuff,
instead of going through all
this trouble.
- Are you kidding?
This shit's gonna be bad in no
time.
People are gonna start
asking for their money back.
Running hookers is the only way.
It's the world's oldest
profession
and I'm the only guy in town
with the power to make it
the world's most profitable
profession.
- Yeah, hey that's pretty smart.
- You stick with me kid
and you'll go places.
♪ Fat Daddy woo
(retro pop music)
♪ Fat Daddy woo
♪ Fat Daddy woo
(retro pop music)
(girl moans)
- What good is it sitting around
waiting for the phone to ring?
- If there were gonna demand a
ransom,
they would have already done it.
- I count $98,469.
- There's no two ways about it.
We've gotta go out there
and find Ernie before it's too
late.
And if we have to pay the
snatchers,
we pay the snatchers.
- Right.
- Guys listen turn it up Sake.
- We interrupt this program to
bring you
a special news bulletin.
- We interrupt this program to
bring you
- Scratching their heads?
- That's right, scratching their
heads,
trying to account for the
disappearance of over 100 women
all missing in the Monowaki
Beach area.
- Gosh, that's right up the
road.
- Shh shh listen listen.
- What?
- [News Reporter] They're
actually
rubbing their nuts on this one.
An incredible high number of
prostitutes
have taken over the city's
hotels.
It's utter bedlam.
According to one eyewitness
report,
bellboys, desk clerks and hotel
patrons
are being sexually harassed and
assaulted
by a wave of blond-haired women.
- I know that slob, I know that
slob.
- Yeah.
- They're the snatchers!
Sake, Sake, go to the
kitchen, call the police
and tell them we think Ernie's
in the Monowaki Beach area.
- Aye aye!
(cartoon TV noises banging)
- It's okay.
- Police are on their way.
Meet us there in 10 minutes.
Come on!
- [Ernie Voiceover] Oh boy.
What am I gonna do?
I'm so nervous.
What am I gonna do?
This is ridiculous.
What am I gonna do?
I'm in a cage.
Oh what am I gonna do?
Oh jeez, I don't know.
I've gotta be locked in here
with Mario,
that guy with the mustache.
Oh it's unbelievable
the way they treat me.
Wait one second.
I know it.
I'll change the potion
to make him like me.
Why not?
(laughs) Oh yeah yeah, now
put the whole thing in,
I want to get the whole thing
in there, yeah there we go.
There a little more, a little
more.
Oh boy, yeah put the whole thing
in.
(laughs) I'm such a sneak.
Yeah look at me, look,
go ahead mix it. (laughs)
Oh jeez.
- Woohoo, we hit the jackpot
this time.
You two come on in here yeah.
Stay right there, stop.
This one's for you and this
one's for you.
You ladies come with me.
Yeah zombie muffins.
Hey what's going on in there?
You girls have been in there
long enough.
Get out of there.
Come on!
Both of you.
You can go in here.
- Were the cops supposed to meet
us here?
(ominous choral music)
(ominous tribal music)
- Sandy, Sandy it's me Ernie!
- Get back in there you little
creep.
- No!
- Get back in there!
- This one's mine Mario.
- Save it for later.
I want her butt wiggling
some bucks for me.
- No way dude.
(screams)
(sexy saxophone music)
I have a song especially for you
baby.
♪ Oh my little Sandy
♪ Little mutt sweeter than
brandy ♪
♪ With me your big
♪ On my face you'll sit
(groans)
(sniffs loudly)
(screams in muffled tones)
- She was right behind us,
next thing I know boom she's
gone.
(dramatic spy music)
- Now cut that out.
- Sounds like magic to me.
- Something fishy going on here.
- Another case of foul play.
- Just doesn't add up.
- I don't get it.
- Beats the hell out of me.
- Hell if I know.
- Just can't figure it out.
- I'm hungry.
- Me too.
- How's sushi sound?
- It doesn't sound like that.
- Well of course sushi doesn't
make noise
and I don't care, I like the
way they cook it either way.
(screams in muffled tones)
(police radio chattering)
(dramatic spy music)
- [Chat] We're better off
with those two goof cops gone.
- That's the truth.
- You know what we gotta do?
We got to find a couple of
blonds,
we've got whip that
stuff, that's our answer.
- Good idea, maybe we can go to
hotels.
- Yeah, Sake, look we
don't have to, over there.
- Oh yes, look.
(synthesizer pop music)
- We're looking for a
girl and a boy about 12.
- Yes.
One with glasses kind of short.
- Aren't we choosy.
- This is gonna run
you four or $500 sugar.
- You don't understand.
There's been a snatching.
- Yes, we think bandits are in
our area.
- I haven't got a clue honey.
(screams)
- Ah yeah yeah.
(synthesizer pop music)
- Now tell me, who's your
pimp and where's he live?
(screams)
- Hey!
- What?
- Quit messing with the broad.
Get your ass in here.
- Okay I'm coming.
(screams)
I'll be back.
I'll be back for you in a
second.
(screams)
- Hey, hey Tarzan!
Mix it thick.
I want him to sink deep.
- He's gonna sink so fast
he's gonna pop up in
a rice paddy in China.
(laughs)
You bet.
- Ernie.
Oh Ernie.
Hey bud, come on, come on,
you're doing a good job.
Slap me five.
- Hey stop, I thought
I was doing good, stop.
(cartoon noise boings)
- Hey what are you doing?
I thought we were friends.
- You no friend.
You asshole. (laughs)
(laughs)
- What do you think Greg?
Ready to go?
- Ready.
- How do I look?
- You look marvelous.
- This is Andrea Applegate
reporting live from Manowaki
Beach,
an area beset by a rash of
puzzling disappearances.
Normally, there'd be large
groups of beach goers
at this time of day, but
the string of unexplained
missing women have sent sun
worshippers into their homes
behind locked doors and to begin
a vigil
for their missing loved ones.
(dog barks)
(dog whines)
(laughs)
As I was saying, reports are
sketchy,
but a reliable source informs me
that women are being
turned into sexual zombies.
(spits loudly)
Disgusting, isn't it?
I for one am sick to death of
men who treat women like dirt.
Like pieces of shit, like
kumquat pie,
easy meat, tuna salad,
so I pledge my support to
my female sisters everywhere
that I Andrea Applegate ace
investigative news reporter
will stay on the job
until I find the scum who is
responsible for this filth
and turn him into a
citizen's castration comedy.
- You know I don't know whether
you could understand me or not,
but I really want to thank you
for getting me out of there.
You're a real pal.
Would you help me find my sister
though?
I'm really worried about her
kinda.
Oh.
(ominous choral music)
- You're mine!
Open this door!
(ominous choral music)
(ominous tribal music)
(girls shouting)
(ominous tribal music)
- Don't move!
This will only take a minute.
(jack hammer rattles)
This ain't working.
- Hey, can I try jacking him
off?
- Be my guest.
Yeah, a little lower, a little
lower yeah yeah right there.
Yeah.
(jack hammer rattles)
(laughs)
- Where are they?
- There there!
- They're over there, the hotel!
Let's go, come on guys, come on.
(speaking foreign language)
- Come on, come on.
- Come on.
- Check upstairs now.
- Right.
(girls moaning)
- Liz?
- You jump it I pump it.
- What?
- Get your hands off me.
Nothing for nothing.
- Chat, Chat, Sandy's friend,
remember?
I'm Chat, I'm Chat.
- Screw off dirtball.
Put up or shut up.
- This will neutralize the
effects here.
- Give it to her.
- Hold on, hold on.
- I don't know what you
meatballs are up to,
but don't try anything
till you flash the cash.
(grunts)
(doorbell rings)
- Come on in.
(80s-style pop music)
(screams)
- Liz, have you seen Sandy?
- Uh.
- Come on think.
- Last time I saw her
she was at the hideaway.
- Well what are we waiting for?
Let's go find her.
(sexy pop music)
- Oh boy, this is for you.
Here goes.
I want you.
You ain't seen nothing yet.
Yeah.
(Asian-style pop music)
- Hold the phone.
I recognize that sound.
You go ahead.
I'll meet you there later.
(Asian-style pop music)
- Oh more, yes, yes!
Yes, take it off!
Yes.
More more more more more.
Yes, yes, yes.
Yes, take it off.
- Father, father, father!
Excuse me.
(speaking foreign language)
- Ah my number one son.
I have heard news of your love
potion.
Have traveled far to
participate in your success.
Your love potion really really
works.
- Oh, oh yes, oh yes, oh yes oh.
(laughs) Oh.
Peach cream and sky blue ooh
sweetheart.
I love you.
I hear the music and the frolic.
When I look into your eyes,
you make my heart beat faster
faster faster faster ooh.
- Come on now, come on.
- Oh yes.
- Come on now, come on.
- [Sake] Break it up break it
up.
- Give it to me baby.
- Oh no more.
Let's go dad.
- Oh my Lord, good heavens.
- You butt rat, come back
to me right now I want you.
(Asian-style pop music)
- Your most deserving son,
(Asian-style pop music)
for myself and my honorable
partner
Chat Frederick IV (speaking
foreign language).
(pants heavily)
- Sandy, you're all mine.
- Hey lay off beach ball breath.
- Come on.
(punch rings out)
Take a look at her for the last
time pal
you're going on her.
(grunts)
(punch rings out)
You won't get her.
(screams)
- That was for Sandy.
This is for Chat.
- Let me go, get your hands off!
(groans)
- [Girl] Get in there.
- [Girl] And stay there you
wuss.
- Sandy, Sandy?
Are you okay?
Sandy?
- Chat.
- Sandy, you're okay?
- Chat, yeah.
(dramatic spy music)
(gun shots ringing out)
- Get down.
(gun shots ringing out)
- This way.
(screams)
(lion roars)
(everybody screams)
- You tied up?
I'll untie you.
- Yeah.
♪ Baby you are the key to my
heart ♪
♪ Darling who'll love you
right from the start ♪
♪ Oh it's true only you could
love me ♪
♪ And you knew
♪ Baby you
(Asian-style pop music)
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
(retro jazz music)
♪ Baby you baby you
(surfer rock music)
♪ He doesn't shower me with
diamonds ♪
♪ Or smother me in fancy fur
coats ♪
♪ He never takes me out to
dinner ♪
♪ Or sends me passionate love
notes ♪
♪ But there's one thing
that I know for sure ♪
♪ What's he got I want more
♪ He's got the magic potion
♪ Magic potion
♪ Now it's clear to see
♪ Magic potion
♪ That he's my shining armor
knight ♪
♪ We'll go dance by candle light
♪
♪ He's got the magic potion
- Oh ho!
- Oh baby.
- Sonny wait.
(screams)
- Party on the boat, tomorrow be
there.
(everybody shouts)