Batman and Harley Quinn (2017) - full transcript

Look out!

Hey! Trying to work here!

Perhaps you could work a little faster.

Perhaps if you hadn't tripped the damn alarm.

Pamela, we are out of time.
The police will be here soon.

Or worse...

Batman, I know, I know!

But it's like trying to find
a needle in a... haystack.

Come on, come on.

Bingo.

Nothing was physically stolen.



Obviously.

There was no effort to minimize
collateral. This was about information.

There's no way Poison Ivy could've
accessed S.T.A.R. Labs' secure data.

Got it.

Here's the file they copied. Looks like
this is the only thing they cared about.

- Oh, no.
- Holland.

"Holland." Why does that sound so familiar?

Be my guest.

Alec Holland was working
on a bio-restorative formula...

...to turn deserts into forests.

Until a saboteur's bomb destroyed that dream.

His body engulfed in the burning
experimental compound...

...Holland tried to douse the flames.

The chemicals reacted
with the surrounding bayou.



His entire physiognomy changed.

- Holland was transformed into...
- Swamp Thing.

That's it! That's what attacked me.

Not quite.

This is Jason Woodrue, aka the Floronic Man.

Terrific. Poison Ivy teaming up
with Jason Woodrue.

We're in for a ride.

I see two immediate objectives.

If you'll excuse us.

A, figure out what Ivy
and Woodrue were up to.

And B, find out where
the green team is hiding out.

I'll take A. I have a hunch
I need to look into.

You take B. Check previous
addresses, known associates.

- Oh, crap.
- Right.

We need Harley Quinn.

Last I heard, Harley went off the grid
after she got out on parole.

No one's heard a thing since.
Rumor is she's gone straight...

- ...but also, just plain gone.
- No one disappears without a trace.

Someone knows something. Someone always does.

It's just a matter of shaking the right tree.

Hey, thanks again for helping us out
with that League of Assassins thing...

...in Nanda Parbat.

Oof. That Lady Shiva.

Wouldn't say no to a slice of that pie,
you know what I mean?

So, what can I do for you, Batman?

A lot going on today,
but I can spare a few minutes.

A man was abducted
from his home two days ago.

Harold Goldblum.

Stupid hand. Henderson!

How do you even know about that?
We've got a total media lockdown.

Let's just say I've got eyes
and ears everywhere, Sarge.

Hacking the A.R.G.U.S. computer
is a federal crime, Batman.

Goldblum is a former professor
of chemistry at Metropolis University.

Spent 15 years heading up
GothCorp Chemicals' R&D division.

Most recently, he's been
working for the NSA...

...specializing in biological warfare.

He was their top mind in biology,
botany and toxicology.

I need to know what he was working on.

That'll be all, Henderson.

Right, Sarge. Big fan.

I'm sorry, Batman, that's classified.

My hands are tied.

Strange that you would put it just that way.

- Why?
- A fringe hacker group...

...recently accessed information
about key A.R.G.U.S. employees.

Some of them seem to be engaged
in, shall we say...

...questionable nocturnal activities.

Are you blackmailing me?

I'm explaining
that I can help stop a crime...

...in exchange for some information.

Fine. But for the record, what Mistress
Ilsa does for me is considered therapy...

...in some countries.

It's an odd case. No ransom demands,
political requests, nothing.

He just vanished. Whoever took
the guy, they either killed him...

...or they're keeping him alive
for reason or reasons unknown.

- Any leads?
- Nothing viable.

The investigation is at a dead end.

Goldblum's field of expertise...

...is man-made, pandemic terrorist attacks.

Anthrax, Ebola,
flesh-eating bacteria, you know?

Yes, I do.

In fact, he's the world's
leading expert on the subject.

Jesus, the stuff that guy knows.

I don't mean to be callous,
a part of me hopes they just kill them.

- No, sorry.
- Uh-uh.

- Nah, man.
- Mmm, no.

- Haven't seen her.
- I would've liked to.

Dame owes me three weeks' back rent! If you
find her, you tell her she can eat my...

She had...

...the cutest smile.

Morty, that was your niece, Irene!

Always saying she looks like this
Harley Quinn, but I don't see it.

And an adorable tuchus.

Morty!

- Hasn't been around.
- Afraid not, my son.

- Lo siento.
- Can I have that picture?

It was at that deli...

...on 3rd Street.

Morty, that was two years ago...

...in Miami!

I could go for a Reuben myself about now.

With extra kraut.

Hang on.

Okay, we got one Power Girl jumbo combo...

...one Black Canary leg
and thigh, with coleslaw.

Gonna lose that hand, pudding.

Anything else for you today, boys?

- Uh, no.
- I'm good.

Yeah, me, too. Totally good.

Crazy broad broke my freaking arm.

Hey, Chet, this crazy broad
broke my freaking arm!

Got to be her.

Come on out. I know you're there.

I got good ears.

Your hearing gets mighty sharp in Arkham.

Things go bump in the night.

Hi, Harley. Long time no see.

I'd like to keep it that way.

You're a hard girl to find.

Pretty clever,
hiding in plain sight like that.

I have a few questions. For example,
where can I find your BFF Poison Ivy?

We need your help. Ivy is...

Save it, honey. I don't mix it up
with the costume crowd anymore.

I turned over a new leaf, as it were.

Listen, Ivy's fallen in with the wrong crowd.

She and Jason Woodrue are up to
something, and we have to stop them.

They're a lethal combo, Harley.

Lots of people could get hurt or killed.
Ivy could get hurt or killed.

Nuh-uh. I am done with capes
and tights and masks.

Just trying like hell to lead a normal life.

Really? Funny that you're not, say
using your psychiatric training...

...to make a decent living...

...instead of dressing up in skimpy red
and black for a minimum wage, plus tips.

Pretty weird way to kick a habit.

You've got to be just itching
to get back in the game.

Nice try, but you're on your own, Nightwig.

You haven't reported
to your parole officer in months.

I should just drag your crazy ass
back to jail right now.

Oh, yeah? Just freaking try, you butt-wipe!

Sorry, kiddo, but you're getting the payback
for every pinch, goose and butt-slap...

...I've gotten for the last three months.

Give up?

Just when things are getting
interesting? Fat chance!

Whip.

Ready to call it a night, Harley?

What's so funny, Chuckles?

Some girls like mace.

I prefer a little low-grain Joker venom.

Only useful thing
I ever got from that ass-hat.

Nighty-night, jerk.

Don't know what you expect to find.

My best people have been
over this place a dozen times.

No offense to your best people...
but they're not me.

What is it?

Oh, yay, a leaf.

Kind of like all of these.

No, not like those.

It's a completely different phylum
from every other leaf in here.

Great, you're the world's
greatest florist, too.

Look closely.
Have you ever seen a leaf like this?

- Can't say that I have.
- That's because it isn't from our planet.

Not even from our dimension.

Wait, you mean Jason Woodrue?

That freak was here? This is bad.

Your forensic people are bad.

This... is catastrophic.

Nightwing, this is Batman.
Come in. Nightwing?

- Everything okay?
- He should've reported in by now.

You want me to send out a search team?
They're the best that...

Well, they're pretty good.

Like I said, eyes and ears everywhere.

Besides... Nightwing can handle himself.

I know, I know, freaking stupid.
Bringing him back to my place.

But what was I supposed to do?
I couldn't just let him go.

He knows the secret location of my
hidey-hole. He'd blab to Batman for sure.

Could've just killed him, dumbass.

Nah, I'm not a criminal anymore.
Plus, he's kind of too cute to kill.

And anyway, maybe I should help out.

Sounds like Ivy could be
in some serious trouble.

Don't bother yelling for help.
This dump is condemned.

Nobody in the whole building
but us, Nightwig.

- "Wing."
- Eh?

It's Nightwing.

Really? Guess I was thinking of
that goofy mullet you used to have.

Yeesh. That was like
a whole decade of bad-hair days.

Sticks and stones, lady. I've taken
trash talk from bigger criminals than you.

"Criminals"? If you hadn't noticed,
I went straight.

I'm a freaking waitress already.

Oh, golly, that's right, I stand corrected.

Check this out, smart guy.
My pile of rejection letters.

Evidently, the Mayo Clinic's
got some dumb policy...

...of not hiring former
costume super-villains.

Just like every other hospital in the world.

There are other jobs.

Oh, sure. I got a ton of offers.

"We got a very special role for you
in Bad Girls After Dark."

And you got to love this one.

"A tasteful pictorial to be shot
in Thailand for legal reasons."

You say I'm a criminal, they say I'm a whore.

Well, I'm sick of other people
telling me what I am!

Whatever.

Got to say, you gave me a heck of a workout.

Got me all sweat-stinky.

Phew! Definitely could use a shower.

I think better when I don't reek.

Still got to figure out what to do
about Nightwig over there.

Hmm, what to wear, what to wear?

Sucker-punch Harley.
Arctic Harley. Street-luge Harley.

Roller-babe Harley. Steampunk Harley.
Goth-Lolita Harley.

Hey, Nightwig,
is it true you used to be Robin?

Hmph. Ain't that a kick in the pants.
Little boy-wonder all grown up.

Okay, now, don't be getting any funny ideas.

Too late.

It's funny. I always kind of thought
you and Batman didn't like girls.

- Wait, what?
- You know, that book...

...with the headlights
and the eyeball-gouging...

...I had to write a paper
on it back in college.

- Got a B-minus.
- Look, Harley, I...

Pretty lonely these last few months,
if you know what I mean.

You don't meet a lot of likely
prospects at Superbabes.

I'm kind of choosy.

I'm not saying I don't want to,
'cause that could be nice.

All sorts of wrong, but nice. Right now...

...I just really need to find Poison...

Face it, sugar. I got something you want...

...and you sure as shooting
got something I want.

So, be a good boy, and maybe, maybe...

...wama will give you a cookie.

The things I do for Gotham.

I'm taking that as a yes.

It's disgusting.

It's an abomination.

You think I like swapping spit
with this geezer every six hours?

If you've got a better way to keep him
under our control, I am all ears.

There's always torture.

I don't torture.

The seven-billion meat bags
who infest this world...

...would probably consider
our plans for them torture.

Or at least cruel and inhumane.

Our plans are for the improvement
of every organism on Earth.

The very definition of humane.

"Humane." What an ironic word...

...coined by a species completely devoid
of compassion for any other life forms...

...or each other, for that matter.

They all talk about climate change,
but have they actually changed anything?

Indeed, they have. They've doubled
their output of greenhouse gases...

...increased the rate of deforestation...

...ravaged the planet.

You said it yourself, Pamela, and I quote...

"Humans simply will not give a crap
unless we force them to."

Well, once our virus is activated...

...every single person on this planet
will have a vested interest...

...in going green.

- Oh, God, no. Stop, stop!
- You stop it!

You're gonna make me pee!

Hey, hey, hey.

Harley Quinn reporting for duty, sir.

I was... I was just about to call you.

Meet you at the car.

Did you get what you needed?

Well, yeah... Ivy's whereabouts,
of course, that's what you meant.

No, not yet.

Like you never made out with a super-villain.

So, here's how it's gonna work, dynamic duo.

Nobody knows Ivy like I know Ivy.
Now, I can help you find her...

...but you're gonna let me talk some sense
into her before you come in, swinging.

And then, when this whole thing is over...

...you're gonna put in a good word
for me with the parole board.

Tell them what a fine, upstanding
citizen I am, etcetera, etcetera.

Hmm...

- ...no.
- What the what?

But, I mean... aren't you gonna...
don't you need...

I don't make deals with psychopaths.

Sociopath! So-ci-o-path!

Jeez, why does everybody
always get that wrong?

If you aren't willing to agree to my terms,
why should I help you?

You'll help us, or the rest
of the world will cease to exist.

As insane as you are, you enjoy living.

How about just a little something
to sweeten the deal? Spa day?

Autographed picture
for my little cousin? He's real sick.

Okay, fine, whatever, you're the boss.

Wait, she's coming with us?
Is that really a good idea?

It's not my first choice. But we can't
afford to let her out of our sight.

She might tip off Ivy that we're on to her.

Yeah, dangerous loony over here.

Never know what she's gonna do.

Here, there's a little trick to it.

- Hey! Watch the hands, Buster Brown.
- Sorry, I was just...

Jeez, 20 minutes of naughty fun time
and they think they own you.

I wasn't, I was just trying to...

Look, maybe I'll call you sometime, okay?

Like when I'm out of batteries or something.

Based on Goldblum's area of expertise...

...Woodrue and Ivy's ideological profiles

...and the S.T.A.R. Labs break-in,
there's only one conclusion.

They're going to synthesize the formula
that created Swamp Thing...

...convert it into a fast-spreading
virus and "save the world..."

...by turning humanity
into animal-plant hybrids.

What? Ew. Look, don't get me wrong.

I ain't no racist. I mean, some
of my best friends are plant people.

Well, on the bright side, at least
they aren't actually killing anyone.

- Perhaps not intentionally.
- Here we go.

It's bad enough if they succeed
and we all live as plant people.

But that's not even the worst-case scenario.

If any part of their plan is off...

...even a slight bit,
within weeks, days maybe...

We could be looking at the extinction
of all life on the planet.

- Jeebus.
- But wait a minute.

Why do they need the Holland formula?
Why not just make the virus from themselves?

It's a shortcut. Reverse engineering
their own DNA could take years...

...maybe decades. Neither of them
was ever fully human to begin with.

She's a natural mutation. And he's
an exile Dryad from another dimension.

- "Exile Dryad from..." you shitting me!
- We've seen weirder things.

Harley, we just need you to help us find Ivy.
That's all. We'll handle the rest.

No problem. I know this guy.

One of Ivy's top henchmen,
probably still tight with him.

And he is... oh, my God! Stop the car!

- No.
- But it's him!

- Who?
- That guy!

Hey, you! Bobby Leibowitz!

Oh, crap!

Harley. Wait!

Lousy, stinking...

...stand me up for senior prom!

- That's enough.
- Dumps me for that chick with the big...

- Sorry, she's off her meds.
- Won't happen again.

But seriously, dude, sounds like
you kind of had it coming.

...made my mother cry!
Was she worth it, douchebag?

Waited ten years to get that...

I was just...

But...

He...

Pull a stupid stunt like that again,
and I'm dumping you off...

- ...at the nearest police station.
- Oh, big whoop.

"You're living under my roof.
You play by my rules."

Is that it? Newsflash, gruesome.
You ain't my dad!

This isn't a game, Harley. I need you
to stay focused on the job at hand.

Focus-schmocus. You know,
I'm starting to rethink this whole deal.

Here I am, helping you guys out,
pro bono, I might add...

...and you got to go and get all
mega control-freaky on me.

"Do this. Don't do that!
Sit up straight. Brush after every meal.

"Don't bite your toenails. Keep your knees
together when you're wearing a dress."

- Harley! There are lives at stake.
- Oh, my God!

Yeah, yeah, the whole world's
gonna plotz. I get it. I get it.

You think I'm just some dizzy
airhead that don't know nothing.

Do you know what I am?

My punishment for dropping out of med school.

Wrong. I'm the answer
to all your prayers, pally.

Take the Donnenfeld Expressway to Bludhaven.

Come on. Trust me this time.

Okay, you really wanna
stop the car this time.

Those Hawkgirl spicy wings I had at
Superbabes are doing a tango in my tummy.

Seriously. I'm dying back here.

Fine.

- Ugh! Holy...
- It's not so bad.

Smells like discipline.

Oh, man!

Batman, I'm begging you.

I'll give you ten bucks
if you floor it and don't look back.

I know. It looks like a total dump.
But trust me... it is a total dump.

Howsomever, all the cool
hench-people hang out here.

Bet you dollars to donuts, Shrubbie's inside.

Guy just loves to dance.

I have nightmares like this.

Not sure just how welcome we are here.

Oh, relax. You'll fit right in.
Try to look a little less stick-up-your-assy.

# Don't pull your love out on me, baby

# If you do, then I think
that maybe I'll just lay me down

# Cry for a hundred years

# Don't pull your love out on me, honey

# Take my heart, my soul, my money

# But don't leave me here
drowning in my tears

# You say you're gonna leave

# Gonna take that big white bird

# Gonna fly right out of here

# Without a single word

# But you know you'll break my heart

# When I watch you close that door

# 'Cause I know I won't see you anymore

# But don't pull your love
out on me, baby... #

Oh, look! I was right!
There's Shrubbie. Hey, Shrubbie!

Be right back.

# Don't pull your love out on me, honey

# Take my heart, my soul, my money,
but don't leave me here drowning...

Long time, no see, Shrubbie.

# Haven't I been good to you?

# What about that brand new ring?

# Doesn't that mean love to you?

# Doesn't that mean anything?

# If I threw away my pride

# And I got down on my knees

# Would you make me beg you pretty please? #

# Don't pull your love out on me, baby

# If you do, then I think
that maybe I'll just lay me down

Still got the moves, Shrubbie.

- Milk for the gentleman.
- # Don't pull your love out on me, honey

# Take my heart, my soul, my money

# But don't leave me here
drowning in my tears

# There's so much I wanna do

# I've got love enough for two

# But I'll never use it, girl,
if I don't have you

# Don't pull your love out on me, baby

# If you do, then I think
that maybe I'll just lay me down

# Cry for a hundred years

# Don't pull your love out on me, honey

# Take my heart, my soul, my money,
but don't leave me to drowning... #

I got to do something for Shrubbie
or there's no deal.

# I'm in the phone booth,
it's the one across the hall

# If you don't answer,
I'll just ring it off the wall

# I know he's there, but I just had to call

# Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

# Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

# I heard your mother now,
she's going out the door

# Did she go to work or just go to the store

# All those things she said,
I told you to ignore #

- Hey, buddy, watch this.
- # Oh, why can't we talk again #

- Oh, man. Don't do it.
- # Oh, why can't we talk again

# Oh, why can't we talk again

# Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

# Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

# It's good to hear your voice,
you know it's been so long

# If I don't get your calls,
then everything goes wrong

# I want to tell you something
you've known all along

# Don't leave me hanging on the telephone #

Wait.

# I had to interrupt
and stop this conversation

# Your voice across the line
gives me a strange sensation

# I'd like to talk
when I can show you my affection

# Oh, I can't control myself

# Oh, I can't control myself

# Oh, I can't control myself

# Don't leave me hanging on the telephone

# Hang up and run to me, whoa!

# Hang up and run to me, whoa!

# Hang up and run to me, whoa!

# Hang up and run to me, whoa!

# Run to me #

Happy?

Thanks a heap, Shrub.

I got it. Let's go.

You put a lot of bodies
in the slammer, Bat fink.

Only way you getting out of here
is in a black plastic bag...

...with a zipper up the front.

- A body bag.
- He knows what it is!

Okay, boys. Let's dance!

See? That was fun, right?

- Go ahead, Watch Tower.
- Hey, Bat, this is Booster.

Got your emergency alert. Hey,
the thing is, most of our heavy hitters...

...are out near Rigel trying to stop a rogue
comet or black hole or something.

And a bunch of them are at that
christening at Aquaman's place...

...and you know the reception
down there kind of sucks.

I only got a handful of guys here
on standby. I could send...

...uh, let's see. Black Condor.

The Elongated Man.

Triumph.

Bloodwind.

Or I could just come down myself,
give you guys a hand.

Not much going on up here
and the foosball table is still busted.

That's all right, Booster.
Thanks anyway. We'll make do.

You sure? 'Cause it's no problem.
One of these can totally cover for me.

Sorry, Booster.
Going under some high-tension wires.

- That sounds like paper.
- Over and out.

That was too close.

We got any of them fries left?

You're just going to feel a bit
of pressure here, little fellow.

Everything's going to be just fine.

It's working.

He's stable!

Look how beautiful you are!
Come to Momma, cutie pie.

It works. It works!

This is no ordinary leafy mouse...

...but a harbinger of the new age.

The dead grinding factories of man will be
replaced by cathedrals of mighty redwoods.

A verdant green life-covered
Earth will burst for...

Eww!

Subject response, negative.

Why isn't it working?

He's faking. He's not even trying!

Your persuasion kiss has worn off!

He's still under my control.
Harold, tell us what went wrong.

This is an incredibly complex azeotrope.

The virus conversion of the formula
works perfectly on paper.

There are literally millions of variables
that could be corrupting the process.

Take a guess, meat bag!

Well, guessing is hardly scientific...

...but I suspect it may have
something to do with the fact...

...that we've been using plain old swamp
water from nearby Slaughter Swamp...

...for our experiments.

No, what we need is the precise
bio-nutrients and chemicals...

...from the water at the exact place
where the Swamp Thing was created.

The Ween Right Swamp in Louisiana.

Oh, for God's sake. What a pain in the ass!

No, Pamela, no. It's perfect! Don't you see?

The lagoon feeds directly
into the Gulf of Mexico.

Where the Gulf's stream currents will carry
the virus into the greater Atlantic.

And then, the world!

Mother Earth's salvation.

Ground zero!

- I said it last time. Your turn.
- It's over, Ivy.

- Harley?
- Hiya, Red.

You're with them? Oh, Harl!

Come on, Pammy, what are you doing?
You're really gonna change us all into plants?

You know I don't look good in green.

I'm sorry, Harley, but there's no other way.
Humankind have had their chance.

And you've had yours!

Oh, gross!

Jason, the work!

Whoa, what's happening?

He's waking up.
I need to keep him hypnotized.

Hmm... no.

Occam's Razor.

Red! You can leave me here, Pammy.

You know my skin. I burn easy.

That idiot meat skate betrayed you, Pamela.

She's your worst enemy.
Leave her to her fate!

Nightwing?

Nightwing?

Over here!

You okay?

My ears are gonna be ringing for a week.

But no broken bones. Ow!

I think. Where's Harley?

It's okay. You're gonna be okay.

Just hang in there, Doc. Look, here's Batman.

He'll fix you right up. Sure he will.

Don't pull it out.

Lift his head up.

Louisiana!

- Don't try to talk. It's okay.
- No.

Must...

...they need swamp water.

Complete...

...process.

We're losing him.

It's okay, Doc. You did good.
You did real good.

We'll take it from here.

Hey, Doc. When you get to heaven,
you should look up my bubbe.

Fran Quinzel. She's super nice.

I think you two would really hit it off.

It was wrong. We shouldn't have left them
there, not in the flames. What if she...

Died? Good.

She's on the wrong side of this, Ivy.

Don't tell me you are getting cold feet.

No, I just...

...never mind.

Safe to say we are thoroughly screwed.

They're bound to have all the airports
and train stations covered by now.

And I can maybe disguise myself
and squeak through the cordon...

...but you?

Well, it was a nice dream while it last...

Is that a yam?

A very special yam, yes.

With certain unique properties.

I removed half a dozen of these tubers from
Swamp Thing's corpse a few years ago...

...while he was temporarily deceased.

This is my last one. I've been
saving it for just such an occasion.

- Not hungry.
- Eat.

It's frozen.

Eat!

More!

Ugh! It tastes awful.

Whoa!

Take my hand.

What the...

Relax.

Concentrate on our destination.

Become one with the green.

With the green!

Silly me, I almost forgot.

Oh, man, I'm beat.

How are you doing, Nightwig?

Oh, right, Nightwing, sorry.

It's like that thing when you can't
remember if it's suppose to be "their..."

...with E-I-R, or "they're"
with Y-apostrophe-R-E?

You know, you got a 50-50 chance
to getting it right...

...but somehow you always pick the wrong...

Anyhow... sorry.

Forget it.

Yeah?

So, we're good?

Sure.

The police are setting up roadblocks.

Covering the airports,
bus terminals, train stations.

Sarge Steel is calling in the FBI
and the National Guard.

- What about us?
- We're headed to Louisiana...

...fast.

The GPS coordinates for the Holland
lab are locked in. Saddle up.

Thanks for your help.

Hey! Now wait just a goddamn minute.

That's it? You got what you wanted
and now you just gonna dump me?

Like Nightwing over here?
Captain Kirk'ing me for info and then...

- "...see you later, toots"?
- Hey, you were the one who...

- ...and I never...
- You need me, Batman!

Uh-huh. That's right. You need me!

You saw how tough Plant Guy is.
Tossing you guys around like raggedy dolls.

If he kicked your butts again, then what?

You think you're gonna be able to sweet-talk
Ivy into giving up her diabolical plan?

Huh, Mr. Smoothie? 'Cause I got to tell you,
your line ain't that great. And beside...

Enough! I can't trust you.

But I thought... I mean, we...

You are the walking definition
of "loose cannon", Harley.

For all I know, you might decide
at the last minute that Ivy's plan...

...doesn't sound so cockeyed after all,
because the wind changed direction.

- Or because it's Thursday.
- But...

I can't risk it. The stakes are way too high.

- But...
- But what?

But I'll never survive the veggie apocalypse!

Once I begged my mom for a cat...

...but I left the back door open
one day and it ran away.

And then I begged her for a hamster
and I forgot to feed it for like a month.

So then, then she said that maybe
I could have a plant...

...so she got me this itty-bitty fern
in this cute little yellow pot...

...and I forgot to...

...water it!

Well, what if I forget to water myself?

Oh, please, Mr. "Kind of scary
but actually really nice" Batman.

Please let me come with you.

I can make Ivy change her mind and give
up her diabolical plan with Tree Guy.

I know I can! We're pals.

Yeah, good pals like Jack and Jill.

Or pork and beans. Oh, please. Please!

You know, you're always saying,
"Have a contingency plan."

So, your plan B...

...is Harley Quinn.

God, help us.

Probably should have mentioned,
I sometimes get a little airsick.

Eating me alive out here.

Oh, thank God. Can I have some of that?

It's concentrated sulfuric acid.
A super dehydrating agent.

All of the crazy crap
you got stuffed into that belt...

...and you didn't think to bring
bug spray? To a freaking swamp?

Um...

What are you good for? Huh?

You're probably just low on Vitamin B.

Never mind! Some Boy Scout
you turned out to be.

Ow!

I can't see how they could have
gotten here ahead of us.

With the airports
and train stations locked down?

Probably not. But super-villains
do tend to be very resourceful.

All I know is, if they are here already
you could bet your tushie...

...Ivy's turned some of these bushes
and trees into monster watchdogs.

Like Little Shop of Horrors on steroids.

No fooling. One time, she turned
my stick and lollipops stick...

...into a three-headed snake twig thingy...

...while it was still in my mouth!

I haven't had a lollipop since.

What?

What you said before. I keep thinking
about Plant Guy riding on the subway...

...in a trench coat and hat.
Like some kind of seven-foot-tall flasher.

All made out of celery.

Guess they're definitely here then.

They're coming.

I can feel it.

Would you please stop fidgeting?
I really need to concentrate.

Just hurry.

Almost done. One last step.

Look out! Ivy trap.

Come on, this way.

Harley!

What are you doing?

Just what you expected me to do.

Sucker. Because it's Thursday.

Harley.

Hiya, sweetie. Look, sorry about before.

I had to make these jerks
think I was on their side...

...so I could bring them here and wrap them up
for you, so you can get on with your plan.

Nice, huh?

Pammy, honey, you gotta give up
this crazy plan. It's really, nutzoid.

Please don't turn us all into veggie-people.
There's got to be another way.

You're tampering with things
man was never meant to know.

I could put in a good word for you, 'cause
after all your heart's in the right place...

...even if you killed all those people, but
give your plan. Pammy, sweetie, honey, baby.

- Please, please, please, give up your plan.
- What? No, Harley...

...the Earth is dying.
I am not destroying the world.

I'm saving it. Saving it
from the takers and the users.

We've been surrounded
by men like that all our lives.

But we can change them, trim them,
shape them like a good gardener.

I don't wanna do it, I have to do it.

Well, you can't blame a girl for trying.

Concentrated weed killer.

I always keep them on hand
since the lollipop incident.

I thought we were friends!

Red, friends don't let friends
kill seven billion people.

Uh-oh!

You really are an idiot, Harley.

We could have changed the world,
but you're too dumb to see that!

Oh, yeah? Smart enough
to take away your spanking stick.

Pretty cool, huh?

No, that is cool.

You suck.

Seriously, Pammy,
your plan is totally bat-shit bonkers.

They're killing our world.
What else can I do?

I don't know! Vote Democrat.
Give money to Greenpeace.

- That's for saving whales, moron.
- Whatever!

Anything is better than turning us
all into walking brussel sprouts.

I can do this all night.

I don't have that kind of time.

No fair!

That's it? The virus?

The solution...

...to all the world's problems.

One way or another.

What's that's supposed to mean?

My God, Pammy. You haven't
even tested it yet, have you?

Have you? Batman said that if you get
just one teensy weensy thing wrong...

...you could wind up killing everything
on the planet. Everything, Pammy.

Plants, people, animals.

Everything.

It doesn't matter.
Earth will die anyway if I don't act.

I'm sorry, Harley,
but I have to roll these dice.

You're gonna make me do it, aren't you?

Well, when this is all over just remember...

- ...I gave you a chance.
- What are you...

- No.
- That's right, sweetie.

The nuclear option.

You promised me, you'd never...

Harley, I'm warning you.

Don't you dare!

I hate you so much.

Works every time. Phew!

- Holy crap!
- Pamela, have you...

So...

...this is where your true allegiance lies...

...with that cancerous meat.

We can't do this, Jason.

If we've made one miscalculation
the whole Earth will die.

A small risk. And one
I'm more than willing to take.

Well, I'm not.

Pity.

Get him, Red!

The plant world...

...belongs to me!

Red!

Okay, fugly! You just bought yourself
a first-class beating.

At last...

...humanity's lunatic reign is over.

No longer will this beautiful Earth...

...be ravaged by poison and ignorance.

No more will this be a world
of screaming meat!

Is... is that...

Yes.

Swamp Thing.

Jason Woodrue...

...the Earth has indeed suffered...

...at the hands of mankind.

However...

...this is not the way to right the wrongs...

...done to Mother Gaia.

Though your cause is just...

...your actions...

...have upset the balance...

...in the green.

I'm sorry.

- I'm so sorry.
- Yes.

Watch. Bet you he's gonna turn
Plant Guy into a stump or something.

But...

...it is not my place to judge.

Wait, what?

All will be...

...as it will be.

I return now to the Parliament of Trees...

...to seek the hidden truths...

...at the center of eternity...

No, no, no. No, don't go!

...to know unknowable nature...

...in all its infinite splendors.

Screw unknowable nature! Kick his butt!

Farewell.

Well, that was a big ass bucket of nothing.

- Now what?
- There must be a way.

- I got...
- We've tried everything.

- The sonic disruptor barely fazed him.
- What about...

And the bio-feedback Batarangs
didn't do squat.

- Guys!
- What?

Look, you are pros here and all, but...

...well, he's all leafy and everything.

Anybody got a match?

Oh, shucks.

After my wife ran off
with the pizza delivery guy...

...my OCD started flaring up
and got really bad.

I've been getting up
six or seven times a night...

...making sure the windows
and doors are locked.

My boss is on my case
all the time about my productivity...

...since I have a hard time peeing
anywhere but my home bathroom.

I lost my wife. Now I may lose
my job, my house, my cats...

...my collection of vintage toasters
and vacuum cleaners.

If I can't get this problem under control,
I don't know what I'm gonna do.

It sounds to me
like you're a little bit blue.

Oh, yeah?

And that part about you being wee-wee shy...

...that's rough. I had this cellmate
at Arkham with the same problem.

I says to her, "Sugar, we got a glass wall
and a toilet in the middle of the floor.

"You're in trouble."

- Can you help me?
- Of course I can, silly.

I'm a regular
Dr. Quinn Medicine Person, ain't I?

I'm legally required to remind you
that my doctorate is purely honorary...

...and I'm not a currently accredited
mental-health professional.

- Okay.
- Well, Wesey.

- Okay if I call you Wesey?
- I don't really like it.

Well, Wesey, you could clearly
benefit from therapy.

I know I did. But one thing I learned is
that you never get the most out of stuff...

...when it's just handed to you.
You gotta earn it.

Right, everybody?

Now, as everybody knows...

...the road to mental wellness
is paved with pit bulls.

But all you got to do is make it
to that finish line way over there...

...to win a full year of therapy from
a real, honest-to-goodness shrink.

Come on, don't be like that.
I've got faith in you, Wesey.

Time to turn your life around and start
feeling good about yourself again!

On your mark, get set...

Get healthy!

You have to look through
the rain to see the rainbow.

You'll find love when you stop looking.

Hang in there, baby.

It takes more muscles to frown
than it does to smile.

Aw! Ain't that a shame?

Wendell is headed back to his
crummy house and all those cats...

...without getting the help
he so desperately needs.

Oh, well, that's it for today's show.

Till next time, folks. Be good to yourself.

Because everyone else in the world
is probably out to get you. Bye-bye.