Bagboy (2015) - full transcript

Dr. Steve Brule directs himself in the title role of a rejected sitcom pilot about a Myer's Super Foods bagboy who must decide whether or not to report a shoplifter.


evening, and happy holidays from

my family to yours.

As a gift this holiday season, I

am pleased to present the

following program to you on

behalf of the myer's super foods


It is brand-new situational

comedy written, directed, and

starting channel 5's

Steven brule.

He promised me that it's going

to be a hit, and my brother

said, "how can you trust a man

like that?"

And I told him to go to hell.

I don't give a what my

son thinks about the show.

It's my personal project.

So enough about the whore of all

my life and my family.

I begged of you, please enjoy

the program.

Got to get these

floors spick-and-span.

Mr. Myers like his floors


Put a little elbow grease in it.





Dang it.

Really mopped myself into a

corner this time.


A couple little footprints won't






My hip! Ohhhh!

I really... I really broke my


* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the

bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the

bag *

* well, it's myer's

super food, won't you come on

down? *

* it's the super supermarket

in the whole dang town *

* we got quality cans at an

affordable price *

* and the workers, in my eyes,

are so dang nice *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the

bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the

bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the

bag *

* bag boy, bag boy, baby

* gonna put your cans in the

bag *

* bag boy, bag boy

Excuse me.

Can you tell me where the

bananas are?

Who are you...

Some kind of monkey?

Actually, I am.

I know.

He's, is one of monkees.

From the show "monkees."

Heh heh.

But the bananas are over there.


That's it.

That was the scene with

Micky dolenz.

Next scene.


Three cans is $3.

Thank you.

Hello, Mr. Prish-preed.

That's four of paper, two of


I know.

Hey, Daisy, I've got two free

v.i.p. Tickets for you for this

week's dumpster dive, featuring

me, "butter ball."

Wow, Mr. Prish-preed.

Thank you.

I'm Doug prish-preed.

I'll see you at the dumpster



Cans piling up over here.

Sorry, Daisy.

Sorry, Mr. Prish-preed.

I was helping some dang monkey

find some brananas.

Hey, Daisy.

When you see me at the dumpster

dive, I'll be going "hub! Hub!

Hub! Hub! Hub!"


I'm Doug prish-preed, the big

boy with the butter.


These are some nice-looking cans

you got here, Mr. Prish-preed.

I know. And they're all mine.

Gimme that bag, boy.

How rude!

I don't blame him.

Those are some nice-looking


Well, I can't wait for

my shift to be over.

My feet are killing me.

But your shift just



Say, Daisy, I-I was

wondering... after your s-shift

is over, s-sometimes people like

to go have a...A ice cream.

Or... you.

I wou... I would marry you.

Not just on this show, but...

Hey, Daisy.

Hey, Stan.

Hi, chip.

The name's Steve,



Why can I never remember that?

'Cause you're a dang


That's why, you dangus.

Just laugh.

Say, Daisy, what are

you doing after work tonight?

I don't know.

I was just gonna wash my hair.

Too bad.

I have tickets to see

twisted chains tonight.

Wow. Really?


myer's employees.

There's a mandatory staff

meeting in five minutes in the

break room.

Please close your lanes now.

That sounds important.

Better hustle.

Please go out there.

Shut the door.

Okay, okay, everyone.

Let's make this quick.

We don't want to hold up the


Wah. Broke another pencil.

Where was I?


We have a surplus of puddle fish

cans, so let's try and sell


Bad. Bad boy.

I'm just a bad...Clam man.

Ha ha. Heh.

Sorry, Pablo. to go home.

I got to punish myself. to spank myself

for...breaking too many pencils.

Yes, you will go home

and do your spanking, clam man.

Sorry, everyone.

This is how I am.

I just break everything in life.

Emergency. Emergency.

I have an emergency


There has been an increase in

disgusting shoplifters recently.

We need to be more vigilant and

reduce the number of thefts.

This is why I am offering 10

cans of myer's super foods to

any employee who captures a



Free cans.

I'm not talking about

no damaged cans.

I'm talking about fresh, new


Think of all those



Look at all of these cans.

I can't believe this is in my

very own kitchen.

Whoa. I'm a lucky can boy.

Hope it's not a dream.

Fresh, new cans.

Thank you, jingus.

So many cans,

and they're all mine.

Daisy's gonna go for a can man

like me.

That's for sure.

Stevie, those cans look


What about Terry, the

security guard?

Shouldn't he be responsible for

catching these shoplifters?

Shut up, chip.

No one wants to hear from a dang


Easy, Steve.

The only thing we can count on

Terry for is for constantly

passing gas.

And for 40 winks.

I'll do my very best

to catch a shoplifter for you,

Mr. Myers.

I-I'll kill that shoplifter with

my bare hands.

A-And I'll look out for you,

too, Daisy.

It's not in the script, but I


Out of my way, clam boy!

Snouts and


Horse meat...

Pork cube.




Sorry, Mrs. Livingstone.

You scared

the out of me, you

ing peasant!

I'm on a secret

mission to catch a shoplifter.

I don't

care what you're doing.

Just stop talking to me!

Mrs. Livingstone?

What the

hell is it now?!

You should try the

puddle fish.

It's a good canned fish.

One of the finest canned foods

out there.

59 cents each.



I wouldn't even feed that to my


Where are you,


I'm gonna nab you and get my 10


Beautiful, like a Rose!

Shush up, dog.

I'm trying to concentrate.

What's your problem,

James Bond?

Dog, don't you get it?

If I catch a shoplifter, I get a

whole bunch of myer's cans for

free... all the cans I know what

to do with.

Any of those cans have

my name on them?

They ain't dog food,


Anyways, I can't see anything

down here in the weeds.

I'm gonna get up on your perch.

But if I get a can...

If... can I... i-i-i-i-i...

Get a can?


Shush, David. Just go down.

There's the best view of the

whole house.

You can see right on TV,

bag eyes.

What have we got here?

We got a live one.

Nah, that's cold, hard cash.

He's on the up-and-up.

Good job, Ron Don.

Ho ho!

Is that my mama?

She's putting a dang Turkey

under her skirt!

Can't believe my mommy's a


Well. Still get my cans.

Ha ha.

Watch out, David.

Hold it right there, mommy.

I saw you were trying to steal a

frozen Turkey.

Ain't no Turkey.

I brought you a brown-bag lunch.

Thank you, mommy.

You're my favorite boy.

Then say, "I care

about your hunger, Steven, so I

made you all of your favorite


I care for your hunger,


That's why I...Brought you your

favorite foods.

"I made you a nice

hair pie sandwich with extra



I made you a nice hair pie

sandwich with extra frosting.

See? Told you.

Mommy, you made my dreams come


I love you, son.

I love you so much,


Back to work.

Back to the old drawing board.

Let's see who's prowling around

the store now.

That's just dirty old


He likes to see what's in the



Wait a minute!

That boy stole candy.

Caught you red-handed, boy.

Freeze, boy!

Hey, Charlie.

Have you met Steve?

Steve, this is my little brother


That's your little

brother boy?

Hey, Steve.

Not getting anything

today, Charlie?



Well, I'll see you at home.

See ya, Steve.


I will see you.



Well, you're in a real

dilly of a pickle.

Don't I know it.

You could tell

Mr. Myers, get your cans, and

blow your chances with Daisy.

But she's my one true


She's the sunshine of my life.

I'm gonna marry Daisy.

Doctor and Daisy sitting in a


K-r-l-l letter of snake.

I love you, Daisy.

Or you could not say

anything and protect Charlie and

keep your chances with Daisy


Right, but no cans!

Rock, let me introduce

you to a hard place.

A hard place, this is a rock.

Don't I know it.

That little red-headed rascal

is giving me nothing but


Get down, doggie. Get down.

* tra-la-la, la-Dee-la

Steve, who are you

talking to?

Just whistling


I hear you're doing a

fine job working hard to catch

those disgusting shoplifters.

Thank you, sir.

Any leads on any other

filthy crooks?



this is my little brother



your little brother boy?

Never mind.

Well, I want you to

stay overnight.

Whoa. Sounds scary.

Will all the lights be off?


What about all the

horse ghosts, Mr. Myers?

Never mind them.

We need to catch these filthy


They may be sneaking in through

the back.

But what about Terry,

the security guard?

Will he be with me as backup?

Let's hope he's a

night owl.

Not... not yet.

Not yet.

Just wait. I'll tell you.

All the way down.

Don't forget, Steve...

Protecting my fine horse meat is

your number-one priority.

Yes, sir.

Don't let me down,

bag boy.

I know.

I can taste those cans already.

Dang it!

I can't see a dang thing from

this perch.

Gonna have to get down in the

weeds and the shit.

If I'm gonna go on patrol, I'm

gonna need some protection.


Don't think Terry'll miss this

dusty old six-shooter.

Come out, come out, wherever you

are, shoplifters.

Ha ha!

Better come out.

I'm in charge.

You better get out.



Who's there?

Dang it.

Just wrecked some perfectly good


Well, I better get rid of this

dang thing.

I better put this six-shooter

back before Terry notices it's


Hey, kids, don't be a dunce.

Never play with guns.

For your health.


Time for a midnight


Just gonna have a little snack

and then take a quick nap.

That's good horse.

I could eat this horse till the

cows come home.

Little bit of sawdust, but who


It's from the stable.

Who am I kidding?

Doesn't matter how much horse

meat I eat.

Daisy's still not gonna like


She likes that dang hunk chip.

I should just tell on that boy.

He needs a good spanking.

Maybe Mr. Myers will give me a


Then I'd have more cans than

chip, and I would walk down the

aisle with Daisy, and chip

could go jump off a bridge.

But I can't let that sweet

Charlie boy turn into a dang

hunk, like chip.

He's a good boy... just needs

to be set right.

I could treat him right, like

the boy I never had.

Like the boy I never was.

What's that sound coming from

brown the butcher's hutch?

Better go check it out.

Let's check it out.

Anybody home?

Hello, Steve.

Hi, brown.

Working late?


I'm trying to catch a

shoplifter, but I already did.

He's just a boy.

He's Daisy's little brothe...


Said too much.

I promised I wouldn't tell.

You mean this boy?

Whoa! Whoa! Whoa!

Brown, you got him strung up

like a piece of dang meat.


I'm Pablo Myers from

myer's super foods.

We all know and love toad's

brand creamed chip beef.

But did you know toad's i-is

also responsible for toad's

brand canned whipped bacon?


I know it's pretty big news.

What an exciting day to be a

myer's super food shopper.

I am Myers man.

I think I'll take my

boning knife, I'll cut him, I'll

gut him, and I'll quarter him,

and I'll sell it as horse meat.


Aw, come on, brown.

He's just a boy.

Even boys make mistakes.

He just needs to learn his


I'm not doing it to

teach him a lesson.

I'm doing it for the joy of


Ha ha ha.

I want to taste that meat.

Yeah, it could be good


What do I know?

Brown, if you spare

this boy, I'll give you 10 cans

of myer's finest foods.






Nice doing business

with you, brown.

You run a tough bargain.

I want those cans by

tomorrow morning.

Come on, boy.

You're safe now, little boy.

What's going on in



Look who woke up.

I'm trying to shoot

you, but there's no bullets.

Where the heck are all my


I dunno.

Couldn't have been me.


Thanks for saving me, Steve.

You're welcome, boy.

But listen, you have to promise

me, boy... no more stealing.

Stealing is bad.

You have to try to grow up to be

a good boy.

Good boys grow up to be cool

guys, not dumb hunks, like that

dingus chip.

He's always trying to get in my

business and mess around with

me and Daisy.

And I hate that chip.

I wish brown would cut him up,

put h in a can, and make

creamed chipped chip.

Tell you what... if you don't

tell on me, I'll put in a good

word in with my sister.


I saw the way you looked at



I am kind of sweet on her.

It's a deal.


Bye, Steve.

Thanks for everything.

So long, boy.

Sure is good to have a new

friend name of Charlie.

Well, Steve?

Catch anyone last night?

No, sir.

Well, I've decided to

give you 10 cans for doing such

a good job and staying late.


Wow! Thanks, Mr. Myers.

Scott clam...S!

Here you go, Stevie.

Here's the damaged cans.

I don't know how the...

Bullet holes got there.

Neither do I.

Give me those cans, clam.

Thanks for the cans, Mr. Myers.

Hope brown doesn't mind getting

damaged cans.

Keep up the good work.

Excuse me, sir.

I would like to thank you for

shopping in my store.

It's my family's store.

What do I do now?

Am I still the clam man?


You just turn around and walk

over there.

Hi, boy.


Did you talk to your

sister yet, boy?

Don't worry, Steve.

I'll tell her that you're the

most handsome bag boy.

Thanks, old-timer.

Anything for you, Steve.

You're a crool crowboy

in my book.

Pshow pshow!

Pshew pshew!

Is that your mama

pushing you, boy?

Yes, but I don't care for


She's pretty, too.

I don't know if you have a


Maybe I could marry your mommy.

Pshow pshow!

Well, if I have time, I'll

put in a good word with my

mama, too.

Pshew pshew!

Aye-aye, captain.

Bye, bag boy.

* bag boy, bag boy


Look who finally decided to

grace US with his presence.

Mr. Myers, I'm so sorry

for coming in late this morning.

What is the name of

this store?

Myer's super food.

That's right.

And when your name is on it,

then you can show up whenever

you want.

Your rear's gonna be cherry-red

like a sports car when I'm

through with you.

Come with me into the break room

for a big spanking.

Ha ha, chip.

Now you're gonna get in trouble.

Even hunks can't be late.

Ha ha.

Your bottom's gonna be


Ha ha.

Hey, kids.

Don't be late.

Respect your elders.

Don't be a Turkey.

For your health.