Bachelor in Paris (1952) - full transcript
English businessman in Paris battles a French count for the heart of a cabaret artist.
(# Trumpet fanfare)
# It's a song ofspring,
song of Iaughter gay
# Song of Iove and Iife
in the Paris way
# Song of happiness
that wiII bring a smiIe
# To the hearts ofeverybody
# In a smaII caf? for a quiet hour
# Or the crowded street
round the EiffeI tower
# You hear the refrain
again and again
# LoveIy Paris meIody
(Sings in French)
(In French)
A bathing suit!
Sh!
Why must she pose in a bathing suit?
That wiII not do anything
for the circuIation of my newspaper!
Ah, but Monsieur Martin,
this one wiII do something
to anybody's circuIation.
Mais non.
My readers expect something different,
something unguarded.
Unguarded?
So you expect me to take a camera
and hide under CIementine's bed?
It wouId be despicabIe. It wouId mean...
Ah, it wouId mean
a very smaII camera and a speciaI Iens...
Hide where you Iike, my friend,
but ifyou want me to beIieve your pubIicity,
remember the goIden ruIe:
that a man wiII ignore
the whoIe ofthe FoIies Berg?re
to foIIow a girI on a windy day.
# La chanson d'amour
Oh, that wiII do for now, Ren?.
I have a Iunch date
with an EngIish estate agent.
MademoiseIIe CIementine?
She is changing.
She won't be five minutes.
(CIicks heeIs) de SarIiac.
Eh?
(CIicks heeIs) de SarIiac.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My name is Comte de SarIiac.
(CIicks heeIs)
Oh, I see.
How do you do? My name's Barret.
Ah, Mr Barret, it is obvious to see
that you are a gentIeman.
I'm EngIish, you know.
Makes no difference.
As a gentIeman you wiII understand.
Today I was careIess enough
to come out without my waIIet.
Oh, bad Iuck.
But sureIy you must have credit everywhere.
I have.
(Laughs)
Ofcourse I have.
But it's such an inconvenience
to be without Ioose change
for the pourboire and the Iike, you know.
Monsieur Barret, I wouId be deepIy gratefuI
ifyou wouId cash me a smaII cheque.
I'm afraid my French money's nearIy run out.
And as I'm taking MademoiseIIe CIementine
out to Iunch...
- So you insuIt me!
- Look here, just because...
As if my fianc?e wouId have Iunch with you!
You mean you're engaged to CIementine?
- She has that honour.
- Ah, but Iast night...
Are you suggesting that I'm a Iiar?
- No, but...
- Knave, honour me.
It is an honour
to have one's bIood shed by a de SarIiac.
(Big Ben chimes)
So this chap de SarIiac
tried to run you through, did he?
- LuckiIy I did most ofthe running.
- I bet you did.
Amazing city, Paris.
- Ever been there, Matthew?
- CertainIy not.
You ought to go, Matthew. You'd Iove it.
ReaIIy? From what you've been saying,
the whoIe pIace is nothing
but a sink of iniquity.
Maybe it is,
but in that sink
there's some smashing bits ofcrockery.
Time I was getting back to the office.
Under the circumstances,
I'II bid you both aurevoir.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, Waterson.
Oh, Matt, Mother's here again.
Oh, no. That's the third time this week.
I wish she'd Iet me run the pIace my way.
- Oh, heIIo, Mother.
- You take a very Iong Iunch hour, Matthew.
Sorry, Mother.
I didn't know that you were coming.
So it appears.
Look at these French saIes.
They're going down appaIIingIy.
Stomach piIIs have seasonaI fluctuations,
and when the picnicking starts...
In your poor father's day, Matthew,
stomachs did not fluctuate.
He saw to that.
You must go to Paris tomorrow
and ginger them up.
- The stomachs?
- The staff.
I'II write them a stiff Ietter.
Your poor father aIways said
it was useIess writing to foreigners.
- His motto was: go to Paris and do it yourseIf.
- But Mother...
You must catch the earIy pIane tomorrow
and be back by nightfaII.
- I don't have to spend the night there?
- CertainIy not.
Though I beIieve
even Lady Marchmont does it occasionaIIy.
Now, first of aII you must go to Lebrun
and teII him
that ever since your poor father's time
it's been impossibIe to know
what's going on at that Paris office.
And what's more,
if Lebrun can't put his house in order,
we'II soon find someone who can.
I want you to emphasise the fact
that we'II stand no more nonsense.
- And if...
- Yes, Mother.
I reaIIy must be going now.
I've known your poor father
have to spend a whoIe week in Paris
before he was satisfied.
I don't doubt that for a moment, Mother,
but I simpIy must rush. My pIane.
Oh, that draught.
Goodbye, dear. See you tonight.
Goodbye, Mother.
Matt, ifyou happen
to be near a scent shop...
Yes, I'II bring you some. Goodbye.
Bon voyage.
I'm being as brief as I can, Lebrun,
but I must Iay emphasis on those quaIities
which have made the Ibbetson's stomach piII
what it is today:
keenness and aIertness.
And now, do you keep...?
- Lebrun!
- Oui, monsieur?
Do you keep a departmentaI costing index
to show market fluctuations?
Mais non, monsieur.
Where are your tabuIated comparison charts
of biannuaI overaII saIes?
This is inexcusabIe.
No charts, no...
Show me what you had ready
for my poor father when he came here.
Mais oui, monsieur.
Marie-Louise.
Ch?rie, the fiIe, s'ilvouspla?t.
- I shaII be Ieaving on the pIane tonight, so...
- Leaving tonight?
Why, yes.
I have a Iot of recommendations
so can this young Iady stay Iate?
No one can stay Iate
better than Marie-Louise.
Good, because I shaII need
aII my notes typed in tripIicate.
Oh, she can't type, monsieur.
What?
You see, monsieur, your sainted father...
It shaII be done, monsieur.
Come on, come on.
We must hurry now.
TeII me, Pierre,
what is this pubIicity stunt ofyours?
It is based on psychoIogy.
Whose psychoIogy? Yours?
CIementine, don't you reaIise that the men
wiII ignore the whoIe ofthe FoIies Berg?re
to foIIow a girI when the wind is up.
But there is no wind today.
Leave that to me. Come on.
Right. Can you get this Iot
sorted out by six o'cIock?
Six o'cIock?
Oui, monsieur.
Good. I'II coIIect it on the way to the airport.
I've got a IittIe shopping to do first.
Goodbye.
Au revoir, monsieur.
On the stroke ofeIeven. Remember?
?a va?
On the stroke ofeIeven. Remember?
Yes, yes, I remember.
Two minutes to go.
Minuitd'amour, monsieur.
Midnight of Love.
It is for a IoveIy Iady
who is abandoned?
No, it's for a younger sister
who's a secretary.
Haven't you anything...?
Midnight wasn'tjust what I had in mind.
Something a IittIe earIier.
More teatime as it were.
Ah, oui, je comprends, monsieur.
Ah!
Voici Matin de printemps.
- Morning in Spring.
- Oh.
- Oh, aIIow me.
- Merci.
- Oh dear!
- Pardon.
How very cIumsy of me.
I'II take that one and a fuII one.
Tr?s bien, monsieur.
That wiII be 12,000 francs.
(CIock chiming)
Do I go now?
(Gasps)
(Shouts in French)
Eh, alors? ?a vient, majupe?
(CIamour)
(Shouting)
A miIIion thanks, monsieur.
Vousavez?t?wonderfuI.
Oh, nonsense.
Any EngIishman wouId do the same.
Vraiment? What a nation!
Vive l'Angleterre! Vive l'Angleterre!
Ooh, Ia, Ia, Ia, Ia, Ia!
(Laughs)
Aha! Monsieur Ibbetson.
So you found time to see
some ofthe...beauties of Paris.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, good heavens, it's in the papers.
NaturaIIy.
CIementine is not exactIy a nobody.
Who?
Do you mean to say you know this girI?
Everyone knows her.
She is an artiste ofthe cabaret.
ReaIIy?
At present she sings at the ChatNoir.
Ah, what a pity you must go back tonight.
- You couId have heard her for yourseIf.
- Out ofthe question. My mother...
My work is very pressing at the moment.
Ofcourse we couId send a teIegram
to say that you had missed the Iast pIane.
After aII, it wouId be onIy poIite
to caII on the Iady.
You think so, do you? Hm.
Hm.
(Eastern music)
Merci.
Is this chair engaged, monsieur?
- No.
- Thank you.
Trois.
Three.
There are seven veiIs aItogether, monsieur.
This was number three.
This dance has such aesthetic beauty.
Its appeaI is reaIIy more inteIIectuaI than...
Oh!
Four.
NaturaIIy, this dance
has a pecuIiar reaction on the tourist.
But ofcourse, a person as...
Five.
But I Iove the music, monsieur.
Don't you Iove the music?
It reminds me ofthe four musicians.
And the aesthetic notes.
Oh!
Stay away, peasant.
I find the music caIms me down.
It has such a soothing effect
upon me, monsieur.
Six.
ControI yourseIf, monsieur.
Do not overexcite yourseIfwith this.
Seven.
Ah!
(AppIause)
# Just a song of Paris
# Haunting oId refrain
# Hear it softIy sighing
# Search us with romantic strain
# A meIody for Iovers
(Speaks French)
# StroIIing near the Seine
# MeIody of Paris
# FIoating through the rain
# LoneIy hearts can hear it whisper
# Love wiII be returning soon
# CIouds wiII roII away, reveaIing
# Kisses 'neath the summer moon
# Just a song of Paris
# Music meant for two
# Brings me sweetest memories
# Memories ofyou
(Sings in French)
Your pardon, but today I was careIess enough
to come out without my waIIet.
- WeII done.
- For the Comte de SarIiac
ofcourse there's credit everywhere.
But it is so inconvenient not to have
Ioose change for lepourboireand the Iike.
I shouId be most gratefuI
ifyou wouId cash a smaII cheque for me.
Comte de SarIiac? DeIighted.
Oh, you might?
How good for you.
ShaII we say 30,000?
Do you prefer any particuIar bank, monsieur?
MonsieurBertrand, vous avez vu?
Eh, Tibou?
Oui?
Regarde-moi?a.
Oh!
# Just a song of Paris
Ah, monsieur Ie comte,
I did not see you before.
I imagine you have come
to settIe that trifling IittIe matter.
Oui, oui, oui.
Ifyou'II excuse me.
Ofcourse.
# MeIody for Iovers
# Morning, noon and night
# MeIody of Paris
# FIoating through the rain
# LoneIy hearts can hear it whisper
# Love wiII be returning soon
# CIouds wiII roII away, reveaIing
# Kisses 'neath the summer moon
# Just a song of Paris
# Music meant for two
# Brings me sweetest memories
# Memories ofyou
(AppIause)
I am so pIeased to see you, monsieur.
Ibbetson, Matthew Ibbetson.
- Won't you sit down?
- Yes.
Monsieur?
WouId you do me the honour of...?
Yes, thank you.
Fran?ois knows my taste, I'm afraid.
I wondered whether you'd recovered
from your IittIe accident this morning.
- It's so easy to catch coId round...
- Round the EiffeI Tower, yes.
You were very sweet.
Oh, and I must return you this.
- Oh, my fountain pen.
- Yes.
It cIipped itseIf at the bottom of my...
You know.
Oh, it was so amusing.
Mon dieu!
MarceI must have found some fooI
to cash him a cheque.
(AII shouting in French)
To us, Mr Ibbetson.
- Matthew.
- Matthew.
Oh, c'estmignon.
This fianc? ofyours, mademoiseIIe...
Did MarceI say that?
Oh, no, it's just a great big Iie.
He wants to marry me so I teII him no.
Then he says
he wiII kiII any man who Iooks at me.
He's quite mad.
ReaIIy? He's onIyjoking, ofcourse.
No, no, he means it.
Oh, but don't worry.
He seems fuIIy occupied at present.
(Shouting)
But he's got money, I teII you, reaI money.
He's just given me deuxmilles.
Don't Iet him Ieave the pIace.
I'II be round in two minutes.
A bient?t, alors.
Seven miIIion stomach piIIs a month?
Mais c'estformidable!
WeII, that's not counting the emuIsion
and the Iiver piIIs and the anti-biIe.
You must be a very rich man.
Oh, I'm moderateIy comfortabIe.
I do wish our French saIes were a bit better.
In France you must seII the stomach piIIs
to the women to give to their husbands.
Oh, poor MarceI!
(AII shouting in French)
We shaII dance, no?
Dance?
I'm not very good at dancing, I'm afraid.
Just hoId me in your arms
and you'II seem perfectIy respectabIe.
CIementine, are you quite sure
you've never been to EngIand?
Biens?r, Matthew.
Amazing!
London's such a beautifuI city.
Spring in Hyde Park,
sunshine on St James's
and the moonIight on the AIbert HaII.
Oh, good heavens,
they seem to be cIosing up.
Come on, Matthew,
you can waIk me home.
Perhaps we'II find something
to compare with your AIbert HaII.
MademoiseIIe CIementine, where is she?
She has just Ieft with the EngIishman,
monsieur Ie comte.
So!
Here is home.
You wiII come in for coffee, no?
WeII, no, thanks, reaIIy.
Why? One doesn't do that in EngIand?
- WeII, it wouId be a IittIe unconventionaI.
- It wiII be nice. I make good coffee.
No, reaIIy, I couIdn't.
- Bonjour, mademoiselle.
- Bonjour, Antoine.
Jour? Good heavens, aIready?
That is a very pretty compIiment, Matthew.
A bient?t.
- Bonjour.
- Bonjour.
(Coughing)
Mother, it's Matthew.
WeII?
Nothing.
Morning, Mother. Morning, Jenny.
You got my wire saying
I missed the pIane, I suppose?
Yes, Matthew.
I got it an hour before the pIane Ieft Paris.
And in the circumstances,
I can onIy put the bIackest interpretation.
Matthew, this is too much.
Why, what's wrong?
Not content with your sordid deceit
but you come home
drenched in cheap perfume.
Oh. WeII, it wasn't cheap.
I bought it for Jenny and some got spiIIed.
- How sweet ofyou.
- You be quiet.
Matthew, I'm disgusted with you.
And ifyou've been doing
what I think you've been doing...
But, Mother, I haven't been doing.
I was with the Count de SarIiac aII Iast night.
With whom?
MarceI de SarIiac. He's a Count.
My dear boy, ofcourse he's a Count.
It's one ofthe oIdest famiIies in Europe.
And I thought...
- Did you say MarceI?
- Yes.
Sounds Iike the senior branch ofthe house,
but I'II just go and Iook it up.
You're a psychoIogist, Matt.
Who were you reaIIy with?
Her name was CIementine.
Was she very IoveIy?
Very IoveIy indeed.
Oh, weII, I must get aIong to the office.
- I'II go and change.
- Oh, Matt?
- Mm?
- I think you have changed.
Yes?
Oh!
- Chief in, Jenny?
- Yes, but he's awfuIIy busy.
- Anything I can do?
- Nothing, reaIIy.
The happy Iaughing Board ofTrade
have turned down our import Iicence again.
Oh, dear. I'II go and see
if he can spare a moment.
TroubIe is,
he's catching up on yesterday.
(Hums)
That's rather nice, Matt.
Oh...
Something you heard in Paris?
Yes.
Are you thinking ofgoing back?
I was.
I've just remembered
seven miIIion stomach piIIs.
Can't you try and forget them again?
Be a dear and get me
the departmentaI costing index, wiII you?
Yes, Matt.
You Iook very sad, CIementine.
My work at the cIub finishes tonight.
As my grandmother used to say,
Iife is Iike a green gherkin
in the middIe of a fruit saIad.
What did she mean?
Who can teII?
She'd been barmy for years.
I must find anotherjob, and after that
another one. Where wiII it end?
There's onIy one job for you, CIementine.
It's to become Ia Comtesse de SarIiac.
Oh, for the hundredth time, MarceI, no!
Hey!
I beg ofyou, become the first Iady
of aII the de SarIiac estates in Normandy.
- For the hundred and fifth time, MarceI, no!
- Oh!
And as for those estates ofyours,
no one has ever seen them.
But they are there.
Ifthe ocean shouId recede,
we shaII be abIe to Iive in Iuxury.
Oh dear, I'm Iate. Oh!
About turn, ErroI FIynn!
My Iove,
you know I have eyes onIy for you.
Oh, be sensibIe, MarceI!
One again, for the Iast time.
- (Screams) No!
- Oh, my Iove...
AIready?
But a moment ago she was...
- Oh, go and watch her take them aII off again.
- But CIementine...
Oh, zut!
Matthew.
Au revoir.
- Matthew?
- Yes?
A visitor for you.
Good Iord!
That is not very gaIIant, Matthew.
But...
- When did you Ieave Paris?
- This morning.
My work at the cIub finished.
MarceI became insufferabIe.
I remembered what you said about EngIand,
so here I am.
Does...? Does MarceI know you're here?
- Nobody knows.
- Oh!
I just toId my concierge
I wouId be away for a few months.
Months?
Oh, Jenny, a new British restaurant
has just opened in Leeds.
They'II be needing a Iot more stomach piIIs
so fetch me the fiIe, wiII you?
But Mother, Matthew's busy...
- Jenny, I am speaking.
- Oh.
- Oh, Mother.
- This is MademoiseIIe...
- Enchant?e, madame.
And what is MademoiseIIe Enchant?e
doing here?
MademoiseIIe DucIot.
Yes, DucIot, from the Paris office.
Come to see how we do it over here.
Oh, Mother, you know ofcourse
that MademoiseIIe DucIot
is a Bourbon on the distaffside.
- But...
- Yes, yes, that's right.
A Bourbon, one ofthe oIdest famiIies
in France, Mother.
ReaIIy?
Dear chiId, weIcome to London.
Matthew, see that MademoiseIIe DucIot
has a desk in Jenny's office.
I want her given every faciIity.
But Mother, sureIy you...
Matthew, I am speaking.
MademoiseIIe,
we shaII expect you for dinner tonight.
- You're most kind.
- Now, ifyou'II forgive me,
I must ring some of my friends.
So much to teII them.
Come aIong, Jenny.
Your mother is very nice.
Now I've got a job here.
This is impossibIe.
She'II find out we met in Paris.
Matthew, I am speaking.
A desk in Jenny's office
and every faciIity.
Oh, good Iord!
Oh, where's Jenny?
- She won't be Iong.
- Oh.
- Oh, Matthew?
- Yes?
I have been thinking.
Oh, what about?
I cannot possibIy stay at the hoteI.
- Why ever not?
- The Count, he's bound to find me.
Oh, nonsense.
I wouId feeI much safer
in a discreet IittIe apartment.
An apartment?
Oh, no, that's out ofthe question.
But you don't know the Count.
If he comes over here and finds me...
Oh, Matthew, I'm so afraid for you.
For me?
An apartment, indeed? Oh, no.
You want it furnished, ofcourse.
Yes, it's for a feIIow
from our Paris office, you know.
- (Chokes)
- ReaIIy?
I've got one in Craybert Court he couId have.
Nice IittIe flat, twenty guineas a week.
Twenty guineas?
OId boy, it's got a gas ring, you know.
Bring the...feIIow round
and I'II show it to him.
Oh, no, no, don't bother about that.
Just have the keys sent
round to my office, wiII you?
Oh, aII right.
WeII, if it had been anyone but oId Matthew.
Num?ro 24.
Here we are, Matthew.
Mm-hm.
Oh, it Iooks nice.
- Jim!
- CIementine!
(CIementine Iaughs)
HeIIo, Matthew.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd come and show you round.
PersonaI touch, you know.
AIways better in a case Iike this.
This is not a case Iike this.
No, no, ofcourse not.
Why didn't you teII me?
This room is most charming.
And Iook, Matthew, there is a IoveIy view.
It reaIIy doesn't matter.
I see your point, Matthew.
Is this aII the flat?
Patience, oId boy.
We're coming to it, we're coming to it.
Here we are.
Oh, I Iike this. This is sweet.
AmpIe hanging space, you know.
Bags of hangers pourmademoiselle,
and ofcourse...
Ifyou don't mind, Jim, it's getting Iate.
By the way, does your friend the Count
know about aII this?
The Count? He is miIes away.
The cab.
My dear Count, it's so good ofyou
to accept an invitation from a totaI stranger.
But when my son toId me
he'd met you in Paris...
You mean
your son suggested I come here?
- WeII, not exactIy. I'm keeping it a surprise.
- Oh.
I do hope you'II stay quite a whiIe.
I hope so too.
UnfortunateIy, that fooI vaIet of mine
has misdirected my Iuggage.
I shaII, ofcourse, have him flogged.
Oh, no.
My dear Count,
Matthew's cIothes wiII fit you.
I shaII immediateIy order 40 new suits.
That is if...
when my Ietters ofcredit arrive here.
MeanwhiIe,
wouId you Iet me cash you a cheque?
WouId I?
Ifyou so wish it, madame.
It's a pIeasure.
I say, oId boy,
you don't want to pay by cheque.
Why not?
WeII, you know.
No, I don't know.
Oh.
Oh, weII, I'd better shove off.
Oh, don't forget your keys.
CIementine, one for you.
And one for you.
And don't Iet your mum know.
I've aIready toId her as my mum...
my mother Iikes CIementine immenseIy.
We're on our way to dinner there now.
- Right now?
- Yes, we're Ieaving in haIf an hour.
This is most kind ofyou, madame.
My dear Count, it's a priviIege.
So true, madame,
ifonIy more peopIe wouId see the Iight.
Evening, Mother... Oh.
Jenny, dear,
Iet me present the Comte de SarIiac.
- The Comte de...
- Your servant, mademoiseIIe.
The Count and Matthew met in Paris.
I know, CIemen... Matthew toId me.
Mother, we aII need a drink, don't we?
Yes, dear, I suppose we do.
Good.
And if another man
so much as Iooks at my woman, I spit.
You spit?
- I spit him in haIf, comme?a.
- (Gasps)
I kiII him with as IittIe compunction
as I wouId empty this gIass.
- AIIow me.
- Thank you.
Ah, that sounds Iike Matthew
and Miss DucIot.
- Your son, madame?
- Yes, that's right.
- Thank you, mademoiseIIe.
- Say when.
Thank you.
- Ah, no, no, no!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Now you'II have to go and change.
- But it's his onIy pair.
We'II have to dry you out, then.
Ifyou'II come this way...
Oh, oh!
- Evening, Syme.
- Evening, sir. Evening, madam.
How do you do?
Don't worry, Count. Won't keep you Iong.
- Syme, the Count's had an accident.
- What?
I mean, I spiIIed soda water on his trousers.
How soon can you have them dry?
- I shouId think, Miss, about ten minutes.
- No, you don't.
I want to have the Count without his trousers
for at Ieast haIf an hour.
It was charming ofyou to come, Miss DucIot.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Jenny.
- ShaII we teII Matthew our IoveIy surprise?
- Our IoveIy surprise is upstairs drying out.
- I know, you've had the bathroom painted.
- No, dear, we have a visitor.
The Comte de SarIiac.
Did you say de SarIiac?
Yes, dear,
he's simpIy dying to see you again.
Oh, Matt. He won't come down just yet.
- Are you sure?
- He'II Iook rather odd if he does.
Oh, dear, but sureIy you needn't Ieave
this very minute?
WeII, I'm afraid so.
You see, this oId uncIe of mine...
- The Duke, you mean?
- The Duke?
- The Grand Duke.
- Yes, the Grand Duke,
I must appear at his reception.
Oh, I quite understand.
Matthew himseIfwiII drive you there,
just as soon as you've met the Count.
Now, do sit down.
He can't come down
tiII he's got some trousers.
Miss DucIot, wouId you care
to see my grandfather's portrait?
Oh, yes, that wouId be wonderfuI.
Excuse us, Mother.
Matthew, when I was your age,
I couId think of a better excuse than that.
ReaIIy, Mother!
What a charming pair they make.
Do you know
what branch ofthe Bourbons it is?
The... The VersaiIIes one, I think.
For goodness sake,
teII her you simpIy must go.
The Count won't stay up there aII evening.
There's a simpIy wonderfuI...
Madame.
My dear Count,
how very enterprising ofyou.
I first met my Iate husband in those trousers.
- I'II meet you behind the tooI shed.
- The what?
- The tooI shed.
- The tooI shed?
Oh, my dear Count, weIcome to EngIand.
Monsieur,
I Iook forward to a Iong acquaintance.
Matthew, where is MademoiseIIe DucIot?
Oh, she went into the garden.
We don't aII have to go, sureIy.
- Let's wait here for her.
- That's right, we can pIay cards.
Nonsense, she'II be Iate
for the Grand Duke's reception.
It seems to be jammed.
It can't be.
It must be Iocked from the other side.
I'II pop round the back and open it.
Mother, you'd better sit here a moment.
I won't be Iong.
How tiresome.
Keep them here.
Matt!
This reaIIy is very tiresome.
I must apoIogise, Count.
I did so want you
to meet MademoiseIIe DucIot.
She's such a charming person.
Mother, I'II stay here
and you two pop round the back.
Matthew, don't be absurd.
Run aIong and fetch the girI.
- But Mother...
- Now, hurry.
- Do you smoke, madame?
- Oh, thank you, Count.
Oh, Count, I beIieve your famiIy
has a most interesting history.
Oh, it is true, MademoiseIIe Jenny.
The first Comte de SarIiac
fought with CharIemagne
and feII in ItaIy.
Comte Robert feII in Cr?cy
and Comte Archambour feII In Agincourt.
Comte JuIien was Mar?chaI of France,
and my own great-grandfather
feII at WaterIoo.
Oh, how fascinating.
- I suppose a Iot ofthem were kiIIed in dueIs.
- Never!
Though my great-grandfather
had quite a narrow shave
when he fought four men at once.
He was very generous afterwards
to the four widows.
The de SarIiacs never harbour a grudge
after it has been settIed.
He feII at Sedan.
ReaIIy? It sounds as though
you aII feII somewhere or other.
I must go and see
what's happened to Matthew.
Ah!
Heavens, Count. Are you hurt?
My dear Count,
how on earth did your Iaces get Iike that?
Oh, you poor, poor dear!
- Mother says he's going to stay for weeks.
- Oh dear.
- So I cannot visit your home again.
- Or come to the office.
- She's bound to bring him there.
- Oh, I see.
There is onIy one soIution, Matthew.
I must return to Paris.
We must say goodbye.
- Oh, no!
- But it cannot be heIped.
Look, Matthew,
we cannot get rid ofthe Count, so...
I had better go away.
I don't want to cause any troubIe for you.
Oh.
I think I shouId prefer troubIe from you
to a quiet Iife from anyone eIse.
Oh, Matthew.
I'II get rid of him.
I'II think ofsomething.
Now don't worry, CIementine.
This is a man's job.
- Thought of anything yet?
- Sh!
Can I go home earIy this afternoon?
- Yes, ofcourse you can.
- Then here's the scheme.
(TeIephone)
HeIIo, Jenny Ibbetson speaking.
Oh, Matthew here. I'm sorry I'm Iate.
Oh, yes, Dr Brown.
What?
It's fuII moon tonight?
Oh, poor Mother!
Yes, Doctor.
Let you know at first signs ofvioIence?
Yes. Overpower her ifshe...?
And ifthere's time, diaI 999?
Right, thank you, Doctor.
There is something wrong?
Better you know now, I suppose,
than when the coId steeI...
- CoId steeI?
- It's Mother.
- Madame Ibbetson?
- Oh, what a reIiefto teII someone.
Imagine it. Every fuII moon she becomes...
Oh, I can't say it.
But you must say this thing about coId steeI.
You must!
I'II be brave.
It started in Africa.
Mother was out there in '38
promoting our IittIe Iiver piIIs.
- LittIe Iiver piIIs?
- To pygmies.
The witch doctor became jeaIous
so he put a curse on her.
- I have heard ofsuch things.
- Good. That makes it easier.
A native woman had murdered the chief.
The witch doctor said at the fuII moon
this woman's spirit wouId enter Mother.
Mon dieu. Quelle horreur!
And now at the fuII moon
she thinks the first man she sees is Bongo.
- Bongo?
- That was the name ofthe murdered chief.
Last month she thought it was the vicar.
She had a meat axe.
Thank heavens
he was wearing a ceIIuIoid coIIar.
But you're strong.
Some ofthem didn't even put up a struggIe.
- They didn't?
- I'II just go and Iock the knives away.
You carry on with your game.
I've been teIIing the Count
about those trophies of UncIe John's.
- He'd Iove to see them.
- Oh, reaIIy?
And he actuaIIy toId me
his pet name as weII.
Oh, what is it?
Oh, charming.
- You won't forget to show him those trophies?
- Oh, right away, my dear.
Oh!
- Ibbetson here.
- Oh, Doctor, the first signs are...
You wiII?
Oh, the sooner the better.
Thank you, Doctor.
The worst wiII happen?
But don't worry, I've Iocked her door.
I'II just go and speak to her from the garden.
(Drumming)
Oh, Bongo!
You've been asking for this, haven't you?
No, no!
Jenny, what has happened to the Count?
Oh, dear, I forgot to teII you.
It's the fuII moon, Mother.
- You don't mean...?
- AII the de SarIiacs are the same.
I suppose it's their bIue bIood.
Oh, dear, poor Bongo.
Sir, pIease, one moment, pIease!
Count, Count, Count!
You've forgotten this.
Oh?
That's Mr Matthew.
(Laughs)
You know, Jenny, I'm worried about him.
I think we shouId teIephone the poIice.
He'II be aII right, Mother. He toId me so.
I expect he'II be back in a day or two.
Madam, his Iordship forgot this.
Put it on my desk, Syme.
We'II keep it for him.
Very good, madam.
And Syme, wiII you serve tea now?
Very good, madam.
Oh.
Very good indeed.
- (Both) Good morning, sir.
- Morning, morning.
- EngIish is such a naughty Ianguage!
- (AII Iaugh)
The first time you meet a girI in a pub,
you ask her to say when.
And then you make a date with her
for an evening when she has got nothing on.
- And then...
- What the...?
Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.
Morning, sir.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, sir.
WiII you go into my office, pIease?
Yes, Matthew.
I don't suppose
you've gone through the maiI yet?
Ifthere's anything from the Board ofTrade,
bring it in to me.
Yes, Matt.
I'm sorry, Matthew.
- That's the fourth time this week.
- Yes, Matthew.
Somebody's got to do the work otherwise
we don't seII our piIIs and then what happens?
Tummy ache?
- Oh, Matt.
- Yes?
The Board ofTrade say no.
Oh, bIast the Board ofTrade.
Ask them to send a representative, wiII you?
Righto.
Ah, Miss Jenny, I have come
to ask about your dear sweet mother.
Is she stiII...?
How tragic.
I did hope to return to your home.
You did?
I found such tranquiIIity there,
peace... money.
You've run short aIready? Oh, dear.
I wouIdn't dare offer you money.
- Coward.
- But if?20 can heIp...
You can send it to my hoteI.
It is the Ritz PIaza just offthe OId Kent Road.
You'II get it by hand this afternoon.
Jenny, you Iook worried.
- Something has happened?
- No, but it's going to.
Matt, you want to marry CIementine,
don't you?
- What on earth do you mean?
- Do you or don't you?
- AII I know is, she'd never dream of me.
- Oh, don't be an ass.
- You go out there and ask her now.
- Now?
You reaIise what wiII happen
ifthe Count starts taIking.
- Ah, yes, Mother.
- Oh, brother.
And the oId boy may turn up
sooner than you think.
I can't possibIy propose to her in the office,
- It wouId be a bad exampIe to the staff.
- HeIIo?
- What are you doing?
- Get me the name of a restaurant.
I'm going to book you the quietest,
cosiest, most intimate tabIe in London.
- CIementine, there's a matter...
- (Man) Thank you, waiter.
This'II do niceIy.
WeII, as I was saying, CyriI,
I've been trying since Iast Thursday.
The doctor says it's my gaII bIadder.
Not enough biIe
seeping into the Iower intestines.
I remember his very words.
"You've got 24 feet of Iower intestine,"
he says, "every inch a commando course."
Oh, every mouthfuI I eat means agony.
Oh, waiter!
A Iarge Iobster mayonnaise, pIease.
(Horn)
Oh, Matt, it's Jim Barret.
Oh, right. By the way,
I've asked him back to dinner tonight.
Oh, bIast!
I thought you rather Iiked him.
Me? He's aII right I suppose.
Mother, when you were my age,
did you ever...?
Ever what, dear?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I don't suppose you did.
I'II ask MademoiseIIe DucIot.
- But don't you Iike Jim?
- Ofcourse I Iike him.
But he treats me Iike an EngIishman
aIways treats his best friend's sister.
And you'd prefer he treats you Iike
a Frenchman treats his best friend's sister?
WeII...
This we can arrange. Come aIong.
Voil?!
Oh, ch?rie, this is reaIIy you.
So I see. I'd be happier
if a bit more of it was dress.
We can try something eIse.
I have a Iace one here
with much more on the top,
but you'II have to wear
much Iess underneath.
- Good evening, Syme.
- Good evening, sir.
- Ah, Mr Barret.
- Good evening, dear Iady.
I think you know everyone.
- I don't beIieve I've met the vicar.
- Let me introduce you.
Vicar, Iet me introduce Mr Barret.
How do you do?
Heard so much about you.
Oh, yes, there's much I admire
in your French modede vie,
if I may Iapse into your...
Never mind, he's a IittIe absent-minded.
I'II do it Iater.
- The vicar's been with her aII evening.
- I'II have to fix the vicar.
- (TeIephone)
- I'II get it.
HeIIo, Jenny Ibbetson speaking.
No, there's been no improvement yet.
I am desoIated.
But I'm aIso resoIved.
How cowardIy it was of me
to Ieave you in times ofyour troubIes.
I shaII return tonight.
But Count, that's quite impossibIe!
But Miss Jenny, the food here is...
How much did you say?
?25, first thing in the morning.
Jenny, who was that on the teIephone?
Wrong number.
- Jenny, if I thought you were pIacing a bet...
- Madam, dinner is served.
Thank you, Syme.
You've got to do it tonight.
Get her aIone after dinner.
I toId you we'd find a suitabIe song.
Are we aII ready?
# In the schooIhouse in the viIIage
# Every morning you wouId see
# LanceIot and JacqueIine
# And he'd say tenderIy
# PIease waIk with me, mademoiseIIe,
cetapr?s-midi
# Years have passed and in the viIIage
# On a summer morn in May
# Wedding beIIs are gaiIy ringing
# And we hear LanceIot say
# How proud I'II be, madame,
cet apr?s-midi
# Come waIk with me, madame,
cet apr?s-midi
# Once again down in the viIIage
on a Sunday morn in May
# Wedding beIIs ring for their grandchiId
as we hear LanceIot say
# I hope they'II be just as happy as we
# Come waIk with me, grand-m?re,
cetapr?s-midi
# I hope they'II be just as happy as we
# Come waIk with me
# Grand-m?re
# Cetapr?s-midi
Now then, how about a game of bridge?
Oh, I'm afraid I don't pIay.
WeII, in that case, don't Iet's bother.
Go on, go on!
I say, Vicar,
I'm sure Miss DucIot wouId hate
to stop the others from pIaying.
Mais, naturellement.
But sureIy...
Don't worry, Vicar,
I'II keep Miss DucIot company.
That wiII give us a chance
to examine the finer points ofthe game.
But ofcourse.
Vicar, you partner me
and we'II see ifwe can't beat the youngsters.
Charmed, dear Iady.
Won't you sit down?
CIementine, I want to know how I stand.
Then come and sit down.
No, I'm quite comfortabIe, thank you.
There's a matter which I want to raise.
Ah, there you are!
- I'm dummy.
- So I see.
This time you wiII come in for coffee, no?
- I'd Iove to, CIementine, but...
- Just for a few minutes?
WeII...
Eight bob on the cIock, Matthew.
Come aIong, Iad.
Carter, Board ofTrade.
- Oh.
- Mr Ibbetson?
He's not in yet, I'm afraid.
WouId you Iike to take a seat in his office?
Thank you.
- It's a IoveIy morning, isn't it?
- Mm.
You've come to give us
that import Iicence, I hope.
Most unIikeIy I shouId think.
Oh, good morning.
Carter, Board ofTrade.
Oh, the man who gives us our import Iicence!
- Most unIikeIy I shouId think.
- Mais asseyez-vous, je vous en prie.
Voil?. Voil?.
He shouId be here any minute.
Do you Iike the flowers, Mr Carter?
FIowers are the province
ofthe Ministry ofAgricuIture.
- Oh.
- And Fisheries.
- Eh?
- And Fisheries.
In EngIand the agricuIture
and the fisheries go together.
Oh, how sweet.
I couIdn't get a cab.
Has that Board ofTrade man arrived?
He's been waiting haIf an hour.
We've had that import Iicence, you know.
So, with the increase in output,
the doIIar return wiII be more than doubIe
the price ofthe raw materiaI.
- Do you see?
- Yes.
Good morning, I'm so sorry I'm Iate.
Now, here are the...
It's quite aII right.
Your secretary's expIained the position.
- She's what?
- And very abIy, if I may say so.
There'II be no difficuIty about the Iicence.
That's spIendid,
but don't you want to see the figures?
If I do, I'II teIephone your secretary.
I might do that anyway.
Good morning.
- Are you pIeased?
- WeII, I'm deIighted.
Then, wiII you do something for me?
Ofcourse I wiII.
Have dinner at my apartment tonight.
- I shaII be honoured.
- Oh, Matthew.
(Buzzer)
Come in, Matthew.
Oh, Matthew, how charming!
Take offyour things
and I'II put them in water.
- Eh bien?
- You Iook wonderfuI.
That scent's Minuitd'amour, isn't it?
Matthew, I have underestimated you.
WeII, after aII, one does...
Oh, pIease don't overestimate me.
ShaII I teII you what I cooked for you?
Pouletmadras and huitres laksa.
Do you Iike sauces with a Iot ofspice?
Yes, but don't they rather tend
to heat the bIood?
Cheers.
- Here's Iuck to oId Matthew.
- I do hope he puIIs it offtonight.
You mean, you hope she puIIs it off.
(CIementine pIays piano)
Matthew, do you know this one?
# Our friends may be pIanning
to show us the town
# Let's stay home
# Or maybe they'II caII to invite us around
# Let's stay home
# Just we two aII aIone
# In a worId aII our own
# We'II Iet the teIephone ring
# AIthough there are pIaces
that we hope to see
# Let's not roam
# For there's onIy one pIace that I want to be
# Let's stay home
# Mm-mm
# We don't need other peopIe
# We're far too happy aIone
# Let's stay
# Together at home
- I Iike that song.
- So do I.
More coffee?
- No, no, thank you.
- Nor me.
(TeIephone)
Forgive me.
Yes?
No!
- Matthew, it's a wrong numb...
- (CIears throat)
CIementine,
I've never been much of a Iadies' man.
- No, Matthew?
- No.
Even at schooI
when the other chaps coIIected fiIm stars,
I just coIIected pictures of Rin Tin Tin.
- Rin Tin Tin?
- Yes, the wonder dog.
Vraiment?
Come aIong, Matthew, sit down.
TeII me aII about Rin Tin Tin.
(TeIephone)
HeIIo?
Madame Ibbetson?
Then you have recovered, madame?
I've recovered?
But my dear Count,
it was you I was worried about.
Me?
Oh, you mean the food here?
I am stiII breathing, madame.
Oh, that's good.
Now, teII me, Count,
when can you come back?
(Barking)
Then Rin Tin Tin
picked up the Iantern in his muzzIe
and trotted aIong the raiIway track,
and the girI just managed to gasp,
"Rin Tin Tin,
go and warn the express train."
Matthew, I get dizzy Iooking up at you.
Oh.
Matthew,
you did start teIIing me something.
Oh.
WeII, Rin Tin Tin beIted aIong
as far as the bridge
and then the bad men came.
I remember...
(Buzzer)
(Sighs) Forgive me.
Phew.
Good evening, have you anything
for the Notre Dame buiIding fund?
Bonne chance, mademoiselle.
(Matthew cIears throat)
You were saying, Matthew?
I wonder what he's doing now, eh?
I bet he's standing with his back to the fire
teIIing her aII about his schooI days.
(Both Iaugh)
(Buzzer)
Oh, no, don't bother, Matthew.
They'II go away.
It might be important.
(Sighs)
Ah, my dear Matthew.
Your mother said I shouId find you here.
Perhaps we couId share the same taxi home.
- WeII, I...
- Ah.
Perhaps I caIIed too soon.
Matthew, who is that?
CIementine!
MarceI!
My fianc?e in EngIand
in the apartment of another man!
I am deceived. I am betrayed.
What have you to say, eh?
What have you to say?
- WeII, it's just...
- A IikeIy story, monsieur!
The bIood of a thousand de SarIiacs
cries revenge.
- Oh, steady on, now.
- I demand you give me satisfaction.
My card.
You shaII hear from my seconds tomorrow.
Don't be absurd. We don't fight dueIs
in EngIand. There's a byIaw.
- Coward!
- No, MarceI...
PIease, CIementine,
it is too Iate to pIead for him.
Very weII, sir, we wiII meet on the fieId.
(CIicks heeIs)
- Oh, weII, I expect he'II get over it.
- But Matthew, he means what he says.
And I mean what I say.
We don't fight dueIs in EngIand.
Now, you'd better start thinking
Iike an EngIishwoman.
You're going to be one very soon.
Oh, Matthew.
But are you sure your mother won't object?
She'II be deIighted.
You know how highIy she thinks ofyou.
WeII, I've never seen anything...
Oh!
DisgracefuI.
Just wait tiII I see that boy.
(Humming)
- Oh, good evening, Syme.
- Good evening, sir.
WeII, Iet's have a smiIe out ofyou.
ReIax, oId boy. Just Iet things happen.
Oh, heIIo, Mother.
What? Who gave you that?
A Bourbon indeed, from the Paris office!
Nothing but a common...
Steady on, Mother,
she's a highIy respectabIe girI.
And what's more, we are engaged.
- You're what?
- Engaged.
You are not!
Oh, Matthew, that you couId do this to me!
You're turning into as big a bIackguard...
as your poor sainted father.
- Look here, Mother!
- I'm warning you, Matthew,
I shaII stop at nothing to prevent this.
At nothing!
(Sighs)
Ah, Madame Ibbetson.
Come in.
I was afraid you were the IandIady.
PIease.
Oh, Count, I want you to heIp me.
I presume you know this young person.
I most certainIy do.
Matthew wants to marry her.
He must be stopped.
He wiII be.
Oh, I'm so gIad you agree,
but how is it to be done?
In the customary w...
There are severaI ways, madame,
but aIas they cost money
and that bungIing banker of mine...
If it's onIy money that's needed...
Money... One other thing, madame.
You must arrange for me
to penetrate your son's office tonight.
Whatever for?
That wiII reveaI itseIf in the morning.
Watch out. They're coming.
- Good morning, sir.
- Morning, sir.
(TeIephone)
Ibbetson.
Now wiII you fight?
(DiaI tone)
Vite, vite, vite.
L?.
No, round the other way.
Come on, messieurs.
Let us go. Hurry, hurry.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
(TeIephone)
Matthew Ibbetson.
Now wiII you fight?
(DiaI tone)
(AII Iaugh)
I beIieve you put it up there.
- I'm not going to stand for any more ofthis.
- How can you stop it, oId man?
You can push an EngIishman just so far.
I'm going to fight. By goIIy, I'II fight.
Don't be an ass. You can't fight a dueI.
- Anyway, there's a byIaw.
- Nonsense.
After aII, what can he do to me?
WeII?
Hampstead Heath at dawn tomorrow,
with swords.
Oh, I won't Iet you do it.
- I won't!
- PIease, this is a man's affair.
- If bIood is to be spiIIed, so be it.
- But Matthew...
It's time that boastfuI idiot
was taught a Iesson.
- BoastfuI?
- Mm.
He's the best swordsman in France.
- He's what?
- The whoIe of Paris knows it.
Oh, Matthew, ifyou had to do it,
why didn't you make it revoIvers?
- Have a nightcap, oId man.
- No, thanks.
Got to get up at haIf past five.
Come on, oId feIIow,
eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow...
You know, Matt,
I wish you'd made it revoIvers.
- That's what CIementine said.
- Poor CIementine.
She'II have this on her conscience
for the rest of her Iife.
But madame, you must stop him.
He'II be kiIIed.
He knew the risk he was running.
Do you want his IifeIess body
deIivered at your door
before even the miIkman has caIIed?
He's a man of honour.
He knows the code.
Oh, you EngIish, you are heartIess!
How can you Iet your son go to his grave?
My son?
I thought you were taIking about the Count.
The Count?
He's the best dueIIist in Europe.
Matthew hasn't got a chance.
My dear woman, don't be absurd.
Matthew can beat any foreigner.
He boxed for his house at Eton.
- But this is with swords, not with boxers.
- What's the difference?
I remember Matthew's poor sainted father
saying when he came back from Paris,
anything a Frenchman can do,
an EngIishman can do better.
- HeIIo, CIementine...
- Oh, Jenny, do you know?
Matthew wants to fight a dueI.
I know, Jim's just toId me.
Isn't he wonderfuI?
(Clementine) He's one ofthe best
swordsmen in France.
(Jim) You know, Matt,
l wish you'd made itrevolvers.
(Clementine) He's one ofthe best
swordsmen in France.
(Jim) You know, Matt,
l wish you'd made itrevolvers.
l wish you'd made itrevolvers, old man.
Oh!
Quarter past five, oId chap?
Oh!
GIad you were abIe to sIeep, oId man.
I'd have rested easier
if it was going to be revoIvers.
Don't worry, it is.
(CIicks heeIs)
But I cannot do this thing.
You have Ieft it too Iate.
Oh, nonsense.
Hey, BiII, I'II give you six to four the champ.
- Which one is he?
- Why, him, ofcourse.
Oh, bIimey!
It's aII right, oId man. Jim'II fix it.
Hurry, pIease, hurry!
Now, now, Miss. Must get our detaiIs right.
But they're going to fight a dueI, I teII you,
on the heath with swords.
I know, Miss, I know.
I don't care about that.
It's our choice,
and we choose revoIvers at six paces.
Oh, very weII, then.
Six?
What, today?
In five minutes ifyou don't stop them.
- You carry on here, Bert.
- OK.
Come on.
How many paces did you say?
- Six.
- Huh?
Six!
Oh!
(Bang)
(Motorbike starts)
(Gunshot)
No!
(Gunshot)
(Gunshots continue)
(Cries out)
(Gunshots)
(Gunshot)
(Drone of pIane engine)
(WaiI offaIIing pIane)
(Crash)
Look out, I think it's the poIice.
(Shouting)
- (Shouting)
- Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey, Jenny!
Hey!
Oh!
I think you're so brave, Count,
standing up to my Matthew Iike that.
For you, ch?remadame,
I wouId do anything.
Oh, Bongo!
No!
No! Bongo?
(Singing)
That's the third bottIe, Matthew.
Who cares. Here is to you two.
To Jenny and Jim.
Matthew and CIementine.
- Vive la France!
- Vive l'Angleterre!
Mother, where on earth have you been?
Count...
I'm warning you, ifyou've come here
to try and stop our marriage...
You have our bIessing, my son.
Quoi? Qu'est-ce qu'ila dit?
# It's a song ofspring,
song of Iaughter gay
# Song of Iove and Iife
in the Paris way
# Song of happiness
that wiII bring a smiIe
# To the hearts ofeverybody
# In a smaII caf? for a quiet hour
# Or the crowded street
round the EiffeI tower
# You hear the refrain
again and again
# LoveIy Paris meIody
(Sings in French)
(In French)
A bathing suit!
Sh!
Why must she pose in a bathing suit?
That wiII not do anything
for the circuIation of my newspaper!
Ah, but Monsieur Martin,
this one wiII do something
to anybody's circuIation.
Mais non.
My readers expect something different,
something unguarded.
Unguarded?
So you expect me to take a camera
and hide under CIementine's bed?
It wouId be despicabIe. It wouId mean...
Ah, it wouId mean
a very smaII camera and a speciaI Iens...
Hide where you Iike, my friend,
but ifyou want me to beIieve your pubIicity,
remember the goIden ruIe:
that a man wiII ignore
the whoIe ofthe FoIies Berg?re
to foIIow a girI on a windy day.
# La chanson d'amour
Oh, that wiII do for now, Ren?.
I have a Iunch date
with an EngIish estate agent.
MademoiseIIe CIementine?
She is changing.
She won't be five minutes.
(CIicks heeIs) de SarIiac.
Eh?
(CIicks heeIs) de SarIiac.
Oh, I'm sorry.
My name is Comte de SarIiac.
(CIicks heeIs)
Oh, I see.
How do you do? My name's Barret.
Ah, Mr Barret, it is obvious to see
that you are a gentIeman.
I'm EngIish, you know.
Makes no difference.
As a gentIeman you wiII understand.
Today I was careIess enough
to come out without my waIIet.
Oh, bad Iuck.
But sureIy you must have credit everywhere.
I have.
(Laughs)
Ofcourse I have.
But it's such an inconvenience
to be without Ioose change
for the pourboire and the Iike, you know.
Monsieur Barret, I wouId be deepIy gratefuI
ifyou wouId cash me a smaII cheque.
I'm afraid my French money's nearIy run out.
And as I'm taking MademoiseIIe CIementine
out to Iunch...
- So you insuIt me!
- Look here, just because...
As if my fianc?e wouId have Iunch with you!
You mean you're engaged to CIementine?
- She has that honour.
- Ah, but Iast night...
Are you suggesting that I'm a Iiar?
- No, but...
- Knave, honour me.
It is an honour
to have one's bIood shed by a de SarIiac.
(Big Ben chimes)
So this chap de SarIiac
tried to run you through, did he?
- LuckiIy I did most ofthe running.
- I bet you did.
Amazing city, Paris.
- Ever been there, Matthew?
- CertainIy not.
You ought to go, Matthew. You'd Iove it.
ReaIIy? From what you've been saying,
the whoIe pIace is nothing
but a sink of iniquity.
Maybe it is,
but in that sink
there's some smashing bits ofcrockery.
Time I was getting back to the office.
Under the circumstances,
I'II bid you both aurevoir.
- Good afternoon, sir.
- Afternoon, Waterson.
Oh, Matt, Mother's here again.
Oh, no. That's the third time this week.
I wish she'd Iet me run the pIace my way.
- Oh, heIIo, Mother.
- You take a very Iong Iunch hour, Matthew.
Sorry, Mother.
I didn't know that you were coming.
So it appears.
Look at these French saIes.
They're going down appaIIingIy.
Stomach piIIs have seasonaI fluctuations,
and when the picnicking starts...
In your poor father's day, Matthew,
stomachs did not fluctuate.
He saw to that.
You must go to Paris tomorrow
and ginger them up.
- The stomachs?
- The staff.
I'II write them a stiff Ietter.
Your poor father aIways said
it was useIess writing to foreigners.
- His motto was: go to Paris and do it yourseIf.
- But Mother...
You must catch the earIy pIane tomorrow
and be back by nightfaII.
- I don't have to spend the night there?
- CertainIy not.
Though I beIieve
even Lady Marchmont does it occasionaIIy.
Now, first of aII you must go to Lebrun
and teII him
that ever since your poor father's time
it's been impossibIe to know
what's going on at that Paris office.
And what's more,
if Lebrun can't put his house in order,
we'II soon find someone who can.
I want you to emphasise the fact
that we'II stand no more nonsense.
- And if...
- Yes, Mother.
I reaIIy must be going now.
I've known your poor father
have to spend a whoIe week in Paris
before he was satisfied.
I don't doubt that for a moment, Mother,
but I simpIy must rush. My pIane.
Oh, that draught.
Goodbye, dear. See you tonight.
Goodbye, Mother.
Matt, ifyou happen
to be near a scent shop...
Yes, I'II bring you some. Goodbye.
Bon voyage.
I'm being as brief as I can, Lebrun,
but I must Iay emphasis on those quaIities
which have made the Ibbetson's stomach piII
what it is today:
keenness and aIertness.
And now, do you keep...?
- Lebrun!
- Oui, monsieur?
Do you keep a departmentaI costing index
to show market fluctuations?
Mais non, monsieur.
Where are your tabuIated comparison charts
of biannuaI overaII saIes?
This is inexcusabIe.
No charts, no...
Show me what you had ready
for my poor father when he came here.
Mais oui, monsieur.
Marie-Louise.
Ch?rie, the fiIe, s'ilvouspla?t.
- I shaII be Ieaving on the pIane tonight, so...
- Leaving tonight?
Why, yes.
I have a Iot of recommendations
so can this young Iady stay Iate?
No one can stay Iate
better than Marie-Louise.
Good, because I shaII need
aII my notes typed in tripIicate.
Oh, she can't type, monsieur.
What?
You see, monsieur, your sainted father...
It shaII be done, monsieur.
Come on, come on.
We must hurry now.
TeII me, Pierre,
what is this pubIicity stunt ofyours?
It is based on psychoIogy.
Whose psychoIogy? Yours?
CIementine, don't you reaIise that the men
wiII ignore the whoIe ofthe FoIies Berg?re
to foIIow a girI when the wind is up.
But there is no wind today.
Leave that to me. Come on.
Right. Can you get this Iot
sorted out by six o'cIock?
Six o'cIock?
Oui, monsieur.
Good. I'II coIIect it on the way to the airport.
I've got a IittIe shopping to do first.
Goodbye.
Au revoir, monsieur.
On the stroke ofeIeven. Remember?
?a va?
On the stroke ofeIeven. Remember?
Yes, yes, I remember.
Two minutes to go.
Minuitd'amour, monsieur.
Midnight of Love.
It is for a IoveIy Iady
who is abandoned?
No, it's for a younger sister
who's a secretary.
Haven't you anything...?
Midnight wasn'tjust what I had in mind.
Something a IittIe earIier.
More teatime as it were.
Ah, oui, je comprends, monsieur.
Ah!
Voici Matin de printemps.
- Morning in Spring.
- Oh.
- Oh, aIIow me.
- Merci.
- Oh dear!
- Pardon.
How very cIumsy of me.
I'II take that one and a fuII one.
Tr?s bien, monsieur.
That wiII be 12,000 francs.
(CIock chiming)
Do I go now?
(Gasps)
(Shouts in French)
Eh, alors? ?a vient, majupe?
(CIamour)
(Shouting)
A miIIion thanks, monsieur.
Vousavez?t?wonderfuI.
Oh, nonsense.
Any EngIishman wouId do the same.
Vraiment? What a nation!
Vive l'Angleterre! Vive l'Angleterre!
Ooh, Ia, Ia, Ia, Ia, Ia!
(Laughs)
Aha! Monsieur Ibbetson.
So you found time to see
some ofthe...beauties of Paris.
I beg your pardon?
Oh, good heavens, it's in the papers.
NaturaIIy.
CIementine is not exactIy a nobody.
Who?
Do you mean to say you know this girI?
Everyone knows her.
She is an artiste ofthe cabaret.
ReaIIy?
At present she sings at the ChatNoir.
Ah, what a pity you must go back tonight.
- You couId have heard her for yourseIf.
- Out ofthe question. My mother...
My work is very pressing at the moment.
Ofcourse we couId send a teIegram
to say that you had missed the Iast pIane.
After aII, it wouId be onIy poIite
to caII on the Iady.
You think so, do you? Hm.
Hm.
(Eastern music)
Merci.
Is this chair engaged, monsieur?
- No.
- Thank you.
Trois.
Three.
There are seven veiIs aItogether, monsieur.
This was number three.
This dance has such aesthetic beauty.
Its appeaI is reaIIy more inteIIectuaI than...
Oh!
Four.
NaturaIIy, this dance
has a pecuIiar reaction on the tourist.
But ofcourse, a person as...
Five.
But I Iove the music, monsieur.
Don't you Iove the music?
It reminds me ofthe four musicians.
And the aesthetic notes.
Oh!
Stay away, peasant.
I find the music caIms me down.
It has such a soothing effect
upon me, monsieur.
Six.
ControI yourseIf, monsieur.
Do not overexcite yourseIfwith this.
Seven.
Ah!
(AppIause)
# Just a song of Paris
# Haunting oId refrain
# Hear it softIy sighing
# Search us with romantic strain
# A meIody for Iovers
(Speaks French)
# StroIIing near the Seine
# MeIody of Paris
# FIoating through the rain
# LoneIy hearts can hear it whisper
# Love wiII be returning soon
# CIouds wiII roII away, reveaIing
# Kisses 'neath the summer moon
# Just a song of Paris
# Music meant for two
# Brings me sweetest memories
# Memories ofyou
(Sings in French)
Your pardon, but today I was careIess enough
to come out without my waIIet.
- WeII done.
- For the Comte de SarIiac
ofcourse there's credit everywhere.
But it is so inconvenient not to have
Ioose change for lepourboireand the Iike.
I shouId be most gratefuI
ifyou wouId cash a smaII cheque for me.
Comte de SarIiac? DeIighted.
Oh, you might?
How good for you.
ShaII we say 30,000?
Do you prefer any particuIar bank, monsieur?
MonsieurBertrand, vous avez vu?
Eh, Tibou?
Oui?
Regarde-moi?a.
Oh!
# Just a song of Paris
Ah, monsieur Ie comte,
I did not see you before.
I imagine you have come
to settIe that trifling IittIe matter.
Oui, oui, oui.
Ifyou'II excuse me.
Ofcourse.
# MeIody for Iovers
# Morning, noon and night
# MeIody of Paris
# FIoating through the rain
# LoneIy hearts can hear it whisper
# Love wiII be returning soon
# CIouds wiII roII away, reveaIing
# Kisses 'neath the summer moon
# Just a song of Paris
# Music meant for two
# Brings me sweetest memories
# Memories ofyou
(AppIause)
I am so pIeased to see you, monsieur.
Ibbetson, Matthew Ibbetson.
- Won't you sit down?
- Yes.
Monsieur?
WouId you do me the honour of...?
Yes, thank you.
Fran?ois knows my taste, I'm afraid.
I wondered whether you'd recovered
from your IittIe accident this morning.
- It's so easy to catch coId round...
- Round the EiffeI Tower, yes.
You were very sweet.
Oh, and I must return you this.
- Oh, my fountain pen.
- Yes.
It cIipped itseIf at the bottom of my...
You know.
Oh, it was so amusing.
Mon dieu!
MarceI must have found some fooI
to cash him a cheque.
(AII shouting in French)
To us, Mr Ibbetson.
- Matthew.
- Matthew.
Oh, c'estmignon.
This fianc? ofyours, mademoiseIIe...
Did MarceI say that?
Oh, no, it's just a great big Iie.
He wants to marry me so I teII him no.
Then he says
he wiII kiII any man who Iooks at me.
He's quite mad.
ReaIIy? He's onIyjoking, ofcourse.
No, no, he means it.
Oh, but don't worry.
He seems fuIIy occupied at present.
(Shouting)
But he's got money, I teII you, reaI money.
He's just given me deuxmilles.
Don't Iet him Ieave the pIace.
I'II be round in two minutes.
A bient?t, alors.
Seven miIIion stomach piIIs a month?
Mais c'estformidable!
WeII, that's not counting the emuIsion
and the Iiver piIIs and the anti-biIe.
You must be a very rich man.
Oh, I'm moderateIy comfortabIe.
I do wish our French saIes were a bit better.
In France you must seII the stomach piIIs
to the women to give to their husbands.
Oh, poor MarceI!
(AII shouting in French)
We shaII dance, no?
Dance?
I'm not very good at dancing, I'm afraid.
Just hoId me in your arms
and you'II seem perfectIy respectabIe.
CIementine, are you quite sure
you've never been to EngIand?
Biens?r, Matthew.
Amazing!
London's such a beautifuI city.
Spring in Hyde Park,
sunshine on St James's
and the moonIight on the AIbert HaII.
Oh, good heavens,
they seem to be cIosing up.
Come on, Matthew,
you can waIk me home.
Perhaps we'II find something
to compare with your AIbert HaII.
MademoiseIIe CIementine, where is she?
She has just Ieft with the EngIishman,
monsieur Ie comte.
So!
Here is home.
You wiII come in for coffee, no?
WeII, no, thanks, reaIIy.
Why? One doesn't do that in EngIand?
- WeII, it wouId be a IittIe unconventionaI.
- It wiII be nice. I make good coffee.
No, reaIIy, I couIdn't.
- Bonjour, mademoiselle.
- Bonjour, Antoine.
Jour? Good heavens, aIready?
That is a very pretty compIiment, Matthew.
A bient?t.
- Bonjour.
- Bonjour.
(Coughing)
Mother, it's Matthew.
WeII?
Nothing.
Morning, Mother. Morning, Jenny.
You got my wire saying
I missed the pIane, I suppose?
Yes, Matthew.
I got it an hour before the pIane Ieft Paris.
And in the circumstances,
I can onIy put the bIackest interpretation.
Matthew, this is too much.
Why, what's wrong?
Not content with your sordid deceit
but you come home
drenched in cheap perfume.
Oh. WeII, it wasn't cheap.
I bought it for Jenny and some got spiIIed.
- How sweet ofyou.
- You be quiet.
Matthew, I'm disgusted with you.
And ifyou've been doing
what I think you've been doing...
But, Mother, I haven't been doing.
I was with the Count de SarIiac aII Iast night.
With whom?
MarceI de SarIiac. He's a Count.
My dear boy, ofcourse he's a Count.
It's one ofthe oIdest famiIies in Europe.
And I thought...
- Did you say MarceI?
- Yes.
Sounds Iike the senior branch ofthe house,
but I'II just go and Iook it up.
You're a psychoIogist, Matt.
Who were you reaIIy with?
Her name was CIementine.
Was she very IoveIy?
Very IoveIy indeed.
Oh, weII, I must get aIong to the office.
- I'II go and change.
- Oh, Matt?
- Mm?
- I think you have changed.
Yes?
Oh!
- Chief in, Jenny?
- Yes, but he's awfuIIy busy.
- Anything I can do?
- Nothing, reaIIy.
The happy Iaughing Board ofTrade
have turned down our import Iicence again.
Oh, dear. I'II go and see
if he can spare a moment.
TroubIe is,
he's catching up on yesterday.
(Hums)
That's rather nice, Matt.
Oh...
Something you heard in Paris?
Yes.
Are you thinking ofgoing back?
I was.
I've just remembered
seven miIIion stomach piIIs.
Can't you try and forget them again?
Be a dear and get me
the departmentaI costing index, wiII you?
Yes, Matt.
You Iook very sad, CIementine.
My work at the cIub finishes tonight.
As my grandmother used to say,
Iife is Iike a green gherkin
in the middIe of a fruit saIad.
What did she mean?
Who can teII?
She'd been barmy for years.
I must find anotherjob, and after that
another one. Where wiII it end?
There's onIy one job for you, CIementine.
It's to become Ia Comtesse de SarIiac.
Oh, for the hundredth time, MarceI, no!
Hey!
I beg ofyou, become the first Iady
of aII the de SarIiac estates in Normandy.
- For the hundred and fifth time, MarceI, no!
- Oh!
And as for those estates ofyours,
no one has ever seen them.
But they are there.
Ifthe ocean shouId recede,
we shaII be abIe to Iive in Iuxury.
Oh dear, I'm Iate. Oh!
About turn, ErroI FIynn!
My Iove,
you know I have eyes onIy for you.
Oh, be sensibIe, MarceI!
One again, for the Iast time.
- (Screams) No!
- Oh, my Iove...
AIready?
But a moment ago she was...
- Oh, go and watch her take them aII off again.
- But CIementine...
Oh, zut!
Matthew.
Au revoir.
- Matthew?
- Yes?
A visitor for you.
Good Iord!
That is not very gaIIant, Matthew.
But...
- When did you Ieave Paris?
- This morning.
My work at the cIub finished.
MarceI became insufferabIe.
I remembered what you said about EngIand,
so here I am.
Does...? Does MarceI know you're here?
- Nobody knows.
- Oh!
I just toId my concierge
I wouId be away for a few months.
Months?
Oh, Jenny, a new British restaurant
has just opened in Leeds.
They'II be needing a Iot more stomach piIIs
so fetch me the fiIe, wiII you?
But Mother, Matthew's busy...
- Jenny, I am speaking.
- Oh.
- Oh, Mother.
- This is MademoiseIIe...
- Enchant?e, madame.
And what is MademoiseIIe Enchant?e
doing here?
MademoiseIIe DucIot.
Yes, DucIot, from the Paris office.
Come to see how we do it over here.
Oh, Mother, you know ofcourse
that MademoiseIIe DucIot
is a Bourbon on the distaffside.
- But...
- Yes, yes, that's right.
A Bourbon, one ofthe oIdest famiIies
in France, Mother.
ReaIIy?
Dear chiId, weIcome to London.
Matthew, see that MademoiseIIe DucIot
has a desk in Jenny's office.
I want her given every faciIity.
But Mother, sureIy you...
Matthew, I am speaking.
MademoiseIIe,
we shaII expect you for dinner tonight.
- You're most kind.
- Now, ifyou'II forgive me,
I must ring some of my friends.
So much to teII them.
Come aIong, Jenny.
Your mother is very nice.
Now I've got a job here.
This is impossibIe.
She'II find out we met in Paris.
Matthew, I am speaking.
A desk in Jenny's office
and every faciIity.
Oh, good Iord!
Oh, where's Jenny?
- She won't be Iong.
- Oh.
- Oh, Matthew?
- Yes?
I have been thinking.
Oh, what about?
I cannot possibIy stay at the hoteI.
- Why ever not?
- The Count, he's bound to find me.
Oh, nonsense.
I wouId feeI much safer
in a discreet IittIe apartment.
An apartment?
Oh, no, that's out ofthe question.
But you don't know the Count.
If he comes over here and finds me...
Oh, Matthew, I'm so afraid for you.
For me?
An apartment, indeed? Oh, no.
You want it furnished, ofcourse.
Yes, it's for a feIIow
from our Paris office, you know.
- (Chokes)
- ReaIIy?
I've got one in Craybert Court he couId have.
Nice IittIe flat, twenty guineas a week.
Twenty guineas?
OId boy, it's got a gas ring, you know.
Bring the...feIIow round
and I'II show it to him.
Oh, no, no, don't bother about that.
Just have the keys sent
round to my office, wiII you?
Oh, aII right.
WeII, if it had been anyone but oId Matthew.
Num?ro 24.
Here we are, Matthew.
Mm-hm.
Oh, it Iooks nice.
- Jim!
- CIementine!
(CIementine Iaughs)
HeIIo, Matthew.
What are you doing here?
I thought I'd come and show you round.
PersonaI touch, you know.
AIways better in a case Iike this.
This is not a case Iike this.
No, no, ofcourse not.
Why didn't you teII me?
This room is most charming.
And Iook, Matthew, there is a IoveIy view.
It reaIIy doesn't matter.
I see your point, Matthew.
Is this aII the flat?
Patience, oId boy.
We're coming to it, we're coming to it.
Here we are.
Oh, I Iike this. This is sweet.
AmpIe hanging space, you know.
Bags of hangers pourmademoiselle,
and ofcourse...
Ifyou don't mind, Jim, it's getting Iate.
By the way, does your friend the Count
know about aII this?
The Count? He is miIes away.
The cab.
My dear Count, it's so good ofyou
to accept an invitation from a totaI stranger.
But when my son toId me
he'd met you in Paris...
You mean
your son suggested I come here?
- WeII, not exactIy. I'm keeping it a surprise.
- Oh.
I do hope you'II stay quite a whiIe.
I hope so too.
UnfortunateIy, that fooI vaIet of mine
has misdirected my Iuggage.
I shaII, ofcourse, have him flogged.
Oh, no.
My dear Count,
Matthew's cIothes wiII fit you.
I shaII immediateIy order 40 new suits.
That is if...
when my Ietters ofcredit arrive here.
MeanwhiIe,
wouId you Iet me cash you a cheque?
WouId I?
Ifyou so wish it, madame.
It's a pIeasure.
I say, oId boy,
you don't want to pay by cheque.
Why not?
WeII, you know.
No, I don't know.
Oh.
Oh, weII, I'd better shove off.
Oh, don't forget your keys.
CIementine, one for you.
And one for you.
And don't Iet your mum know.
I've aIready toId her as my mum...
my mother Iikes CIementine immenseIy.
We're on our way to dinner there now.
- Right now?
- Yes, we're Ieaving in haIf an hour.
This is most kind ofyou, madame.
My dear Count, it's a priviIege.
So true, madame,
ifonIy more peopIe wouId see the Iight.
Evening, Mother... Oh.
Jenny, dear,
Iet me present the Comte de SarIiac.
- The Comte de...
- Your servant, mademoiseIIe.
The Count and Matthew met in Paris.
I know, CIemen... Matthew toId me.
Mother, we aII need a drink, don't we?
Yes, dear, I suppose we do.
Good.
And if another man
so much as Iooks at my woman, I spit.
You spit?
- I spit him in haIf, comme?a.
- (Gasps)
I kiII him with as IittIe compunction
as I wouId empty this gIass.
- AIIow me.
- Thank you.
Ah, that sounds Iike Matthew
and Miss DucIot.
- Your son, madame?
- Yes, that's right.
- Thank you, mademoiseIIe.
- Say when.
Thank you.
- Ah, no, no, no!
- Oh, I'm so sorry.
- Now you'II have to go and change.
- But it's his onIy pair.
We'II have to dry you out, then.
Ifyou'II come this way...
Oh, oh!
- Evening, Syme.
- Evening, sir. Evening, madam.
How do you do?
Don't worry, Count. Won't keep you Iong.
- Syme, the Count's had an accident.
- What?
I mean, I spiIIed soda water on his trousers.
How soon can you have them dry?
- I shouId think, Miss, about ten minutes.
- No, you don't.
I want to have the Count without his trousers
for at Ieast haIf an hour.
It was charming ofyou to come, Miss DucIot.
- Thank you.
- Oh, Jenny.
- ShaII we teII Matthew our IoveIy surprise?
- Our IoveIy surprise is upstairs drying out.
- I know, you've had the bathroom painted.
- No, dear, we have a visitor.
The Comte de SarIiac.
Did you say de SarIiac?
Yes, dear,
he's simpIy dying to see you again.
Oh, Matt. He won't come down just yet.
- Are you sure?
- He'II Iook rather odd if he does.
Oh, dear, but sureIy you needn't Ieave
this very minute?
WeII, I'm afraid so.
You see, this oId uncIe of mine...
- The Duke, you mean?
- The Duke?
- The Grand Duke.
- Yes, the Grand Duke,
I must appear at his reception.
Oh, I quite understand.
Matthew himseIfwiII drive you there,
just as soon as you've met the Count.
Now, do sit down.
He can't come down
tiII he's got some trousers.
Miss DucIot, wouId you care
to see my grandfather's portrait?
Oh, yes, that wouId be wonderfuI.
Excuse us, Mother.
Matthew, when I was your age,
I couId think of a better excuse than that.
ReaIIy, Mother!
What a charming pair they make.
Do you know
what branch ofthe Bourbons it is?
The... The VersaiIIes one, I think.
For goodness sake,
teII her you simpIy must go.
The Count won't stay up there aII evening.
There's a simpIy wonderfuI...
Madame.
My dear Count,
how very enterprising ofyou.
I first met my Iate husband in those trousers.
- I'II meet you behind the tooI shed.
- The what?
- The tooI shed.
- The tooI shed?
Oh, my dear Count, weIcome to EngIand.
Monsieur,
I Iook forward to a Iong acquaintance.
Matthew, where is MademoiseIIe DucIot?
Oh, she went into the garden.
We don't aII have to go, sureIy.
- Let's wait here for her.
- That's right, we can pIay cards.
Nonsense, she'II be Iate
for the Grand Duke's reception.
It seems to be jammed.
It can't be.
It must be Iocked from the other side.
I'II pop round the back and open it.
Mother, you'd better sit here a moment.
I won't be Iong.
How tiresome.
Keep them here.
Matt!
This reaIIy is very tiresome.
I must apoIogise, Count.
I did so want you
to meet MademoiseIIe DucIot.
She's such a charming person.
Mother, I'II stay here
and you two pop round the back.
Matthew, don't be absurd.
Run aIong and fetch the girI.
- But Mother...
- Now, hurry.
- Do you smoke, madame?
- Oh, thank you, Count.
Oh, Count, I beIieve your famiIy
has a most interesting history.
Oh, it is true, MademoiseIIe Jenny.
The first Comte de SarIiac
fought with CharIemagne
and feII in ItaIy.
Comte Robert feII in Cr?cy
and Comte Archambour feII In Agincourt.
Comte JuIien was Mar?chaI of France,
and my own great-grandfather
feII at WaterIoo.
Oh, how fascinating.
- I suppose a Iot ofthem were kiIIed in dueIs.
- Never!
Though my great-grandfather
had quite a narrow shave
when he fought four men at once.
He was very generous afterwards
to the four widows.
The de SarIiacs never harbour a grudge
after it has been settIed.
He feII at Sedan.
ReaIIy? It sounds as though
you aII feII somewhere or other.
I must go and see
what's happened to Matthew.
Ah!
Heavens, Count. Are you hurt?
My dear Count,
how on earth did your Iaces get Iike that?
Oh, you poor, poor dear!
- Mother says he's going to stay for weeks.
- Oh dear.
- So I cannot visit your home again.
- Or come to the office.
- She's bound to bring him there.
- Oh, I see.
There is onIy one soIution, Matthew.
I must return to Paris.
We must say goodbye.
- Oh, no!
- But it cannot be heIped.
Look, Matthew,
we cannot get rid ofthe Count, so...
I had better go away.
I don't want to cause any troubIe for you.
Oh.
I think I shouId prefer troubIe from you
to a quiet Iife from anyone eIse.
Oh, Matthew.
I'II get rid of him.
I'II think ofsomething.
Now don't worry, CIementine.
This is a man's job.
- Thought of anything yet?
- Sh!
Can I go home earIy this afternoon?
- Yes, ofcourse you can.
- Then here's the scheme.
(TeIephone)
HeIIo, Jenny Ibbetson speaking.
Oh, Matthew here. I'm sorry I'm Iate.
Oh, yes, Dr Brown.
What?
It's fuII moon tonight?
Oh, poor Mother!
Yes, Doctor.
Let you know at first signs ofvioIence?
Yes. Overpower her ifshe...?
And ifthere's time, diaI 999?
Right, thank you, Doctor.
There is something wrong?
Better you know now, I suppose,
than when the coId steeI...
- CoId steeI?
- It's Mother.
- Madame Ibbetson?
- Oh, what a reIiefto teII someone.
Imagine it. Every fuII moon she becomes...
Oh, I can't say it.
But you must say this thing about coId steeI.
You must!
I'II be brave.
It started in Africa.
Mother was out there in '38
promoting our IittIe Iiver piIIs.
- LittIe Iiver piIIs?
- To pygmies.
The witch doctor became jeaIous
so he put a curse on her.
- I have heard ofsuch things.
- Good. That makes it easier.
A native woman had murdered the chief.
The witch doctor said at the fuII moon
this woman's spirit wouId enter Mother.
Mon dieu. Quelle horreur!
And now at the fuII moon
she thinks the first man she sees is Bongo.
- Bongo?
- That was the name ofthe murdered chief.
Last month she thought it was the vicar.
She had a meat axe.
Thank heavens
he was wearing a ceIIuIoid coIIar.
But you're strong.
Some ofthem didn't even put up a struggIe.
- They didn't?
- I'II just go and Iock the knives away.
You carry on with your game.
I've been teIIing the Count
about those trophies of UncIe John's.
- He'd Iove to see them.
- Oh, reaIIy?
And he actuaIIy toId me
his pet name as weII.
Oh, what is it?
Oh, charming.
- You won't forget to show him those trophies?
- Oh, right away, my dear.
Oh!
- Ibbetson here.
- Oh, Doctor, the first signs are...
You wiII?
Oh, the sooner the better.
Thank you, Doctor.
The worst wiII happen?
But don't worry, I've Iocked her door.
I'II just go and speak to her from the garden.
(Drumming)
Oh, Bongo!
You've been asking for this, haven't you?
No, no!
Jenny, what has happened to the Count?
Oh, dear, I forgot to teII you.
It's the fuII moon, Mother.
- You don't mean...?
- AII the de SarIiacs are the same.
I suppose it's their bIue bIood.
Oh, dear, poor Bongo.
Sir, pIease, one moment, pIease!
Count, Count, Count!
You've forgotten this.
Oh?
That's Mr Matthew.
(Laughs)
You know, Jenny, I'm worried about him.
I think we shouId teIephone the poIice.
He'II be aII right, Mother. He toId me so.
I expect he'II be back in a day or two.
Madam, his Iordship forgot this.
Put it on my desk, Syme.
We'II keep it for him.
Very good, madam.
And Syme, wiII you serve tea now?
Very good, madam.
Oh.
Very good indeed.
- (Both) Good morning, sir.
- Morning, morning.
- EngIish is such a naughty Ianguage!
- (AII Iaugh)
The first time you meet a girI in a pub,
you ask her to say when.
And then you make a date with her
for an evening when she has got nothing on.
- And then...
- What the...?
Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.
- Good morning, sir.
Morning, sir.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, sir.
WiII you go into my office, pIease?
Yes, Matthew.
I don't suppose
you've gone through the maiI yet?
Ifthere's anything from the Board ofTrade,
bring it in to me.
Yes, Matt.
I'm sorry, Matthew.
- That's the fourth time this week.
- Yes, Matthew.
Somebody's got to do the work otherwise
we don't seII our piIIs and then what happens?
Tummy ache?
- Oh, Matt.
- Yes?
The Board ofTrade say no.
Oh, bIast the Board ofTrade.
Ask them to send a representative, wiII you?
Righto.
Ah, Miss Jenny, I have come
to ask about your dear sweet mother.
Is she stiII...?
How tragic.
I did hope to return to your home.
You did?
I found such tranquiIIity there,
peace... money.
You've run short aIready? Oh, dear.
I wouIdn't dare offer you money.
- Coward.
- But if?20 can heIp...
You can send it to my hoteI.
It is the Ritz PIaza just offthe OId Kent Road.
You'II get it by hand this afternoon.
Jenny, you Iook worried.
- Something has happened?
- No, but it's going to.
Matt, you want to marry CIementine,
don't you?
- What on earth do you mean?
- Do you or don't you?
- AII I know is, she'd never dream of me.
- Oh, don't be an ass.
- You go out there and ask her now.
- Now?
You reaIise what wiII happen
ifthe Count starts taIking.
- Ah, yes, Mother.
- Oh, brother.
And the oId boy may turn up
sooner than you think.
I can't possibIy propose to her in the office,
- It wouId be a bad exampIe to the staff.
- HeIIo?
- What are you doing?
- Get me the name of a restaurant.
I'm going to book you the quietest,
cosiest, most intimate tabIe in London.
- CIementine, there's a matter...
- (Man) Thank you, waiter.
This'II do niceIy.
WeII, as I was saying, CyriI,
I've been trying since Iast Thursday.
The doctor says it's my gaII bIadder.
Not enough biIe
seeping into the Iower intestines.
I remember his very words.
"You've got 24 feet of Iower intestine,"
he says, "every inch a commando course."
Oh, every mouthfuI I eat means agony.
Oh, waiter!
A Iarge Iobster mayonnaise, pIease.
(Horn)
Oh, Matt, it's Jim Barret.
Oh, right. By the way,
I've asked him back to dinner tonight.
Oh, bIast!
I thought you rather Iiked him.
Me? He's aII right I suppose.
Mother, when you were my age,
did you ever...?
Ever what, dear?
Oh, it doesn't matter.
I don't suppose you did.
I'II ask MademoiseIIe DucIot.
- But don't you Iike Jim?
- Ofcourse I Iike him.
But he treats me Iike an EngIishman
aIways treats his best friend's sister.
And you'd prefer he treats you Iike
a Frenchman treats his best friend's sister?
WeII...
This we can arrange. Come aIong.
Voil?!
Oh, ch?rie, this is reaIIy you.
So I see. I'd be happier
if a bit more of it was dress.
We can try something eIse.
I have a Iace one here
with much more on the top,
but you'II have to wear
much Iess underneath.
- Good evening, Syme.
- Good evening, sir.
- Ah, Mr Barret.
- Good evening, dear Iady.
I think you know everyone.
- I don't beIieve I've met the vicar.
- Let me introduce you.
Vicar, Iet me introduce Mr Barret.
How do you do?
Heard so much about you.
Oh, yes, there's much I admire
in your French modede vie,
if I may Iapse into your...
Never mind, he's a IittIe absent-minded.
I'II do it Iater.
- The vicar's been with her aII evening.
- I'II have to fix the vicar.
- (TeIephone)
- I'II get it.
HeIIo, Jenny Ibbetson speaking.
No, there's been no improvement yet.
I am desoIated.
But I'm aIso resoIved.
How cowardIy it was of me
to Ieave you in times ofyour troubIes.
I shaII return tonight.
But Count, that's quite impossibIe!
But Miss Jenny, the food here is...
How much did you say?
?25, first thing in the morning.
Jenny, who was that on the teIephone?
Wrong number.
- Jenny, if I thought you were pIacing a bet...
- Madam, dinner is served.
Thank you, Syme.
You've got to do it tonight.
Get her aIone after dinner.
I toId you we'd find a suitabIe song.
Are we aII ready?
# In the schooIhouse in the viIIage
# Every morning you wouId see
# LanceIot and JacqueIine
# And he'd say tenderIy
# PIease waIk with me, mademoiseIIe,
cetapr?s-midi
# Years have passed and in the viIIage
# On a summer morn in May
# Wedding beIIs are gaiIy ringing
# And we hear LanceIot say
# How proud I'II be, madame,
cet apr?s-midi
# Come waIk with me, madame,
cet apr?s-midi
# Once again down in the viIIage
on a Sunday morn in May
# Wedding beIIs ring for their grandchiId
as we hear LanceIot say
# I hope they'II be just as happy as we
# Come waIk with me, grand-m?re,
cetapr?s-midi
# I hope they'II be just as happy as we
# Come waIk with me
# Grand-m?re
# Cetapr?s-midi
Now then, how about a game of bridge?
Oh, I'm afraid I don't pIay.
WeII, in that case, don't Iet's bother.
Go on, go on!
I say, Vicar,
I'm sure Miss DucIot wouId hate
to stop the others from pIaying.
Mais, naturellement.
But sureIy...
Don't worry, Vicar,
I'II keep Miss DucIot company.
That wiII give us a chance
to examine the finer points ofthe game.
But ofcourse.
Vicar, you partner me
and we'II see ifwe can't beat the youngsters.
Charmed, dear Iady.
Won't you sit down?
CIementine, I want to know how I stand.
Then come and sit down.
No, I'm quite comfortabIe, thank you.
There's a matter which I want to raise.
Ah, there you are!
- I'm dummy.
- So I see.
This time you wiII come in for coffee, no?
- I'd Iove to, CIementine, but...
- Just for a few minutes?
WeII...
Eight bob on the cIock, Matthew.
Come aIong, Iad.
Carter, Board ofTrade.
- Oh.
- Mr Ibbetson?
He's not in yet, I'm afraid.
WouId you Iike to take a seat in his office?
Thank you.
- It's a IoveIy morning, isn't it?
- Mm.
You've come to give us
that import Iicence, I hope.
Most unIikeIy I shouId think.
Oh, good morning.
Carter, Board ofTrade.
Oh, the man who gives us our import Iicence!
- Most unIikeIy I shouId think.
- Mais asseyez-vous, je vous en prie.
Voil?. Voil?.
He shouId be here any minute.
Do you Iike the flowers, Mr Carter?
FIowers are the province
ofthe Ministry ofAgricuIture.
- Oh.
- And Fisheries.
- Eh?
- And Fisheries.
In EngIand the agricuIture
and the fisheries go together.
Oh, how sweet.
I couIdn't get a cab.
Has that Board ofTrade man arrived?
He's been waiting haIf an hour.
We've had that import Iicence, you know.
So, with the increase in output,
the doIIar return wiII be more than doubIe
the price ofthe raw materiaI.
- Do you see?
- Yes.
Good morning, I'm so sorry I'm Iate.
Now, here are the...
It's quite aII right.
Your secretary's expIained the position.
- She's what?
- And very abIy, if I may say so.
There'II be no difficuIty about the Iicence.
That's spIendid,
but don't you want to see the figures?
If I do, I'II teIephone your secretary.
I might do that anyway.
Good morning.
- Are you pIeased?
- WeII, I'm deIighted.
Then, wiII you do something for me?
Ofcourse I wiII.
Have dinner at my apartment tonight.
- I shaII be honoured.
- Oh, Matthew.
(Buzzer)
Come in, Matthew.
Oh, Matthew, how charming!
Take offyour things
and I'II put them in water.
- Eh bien?
- You Iook wonderfuI.
That scent's Minuitd'amour, isn't it?
Matthew, I have underestimated you.
WeII, after aII, one does...
Oh, pIease don't overestimate me.
ShaII I teII you what I cooked for you?
Pouletmadras and huitres laksa.
Do you Iike sauces with a Iot ofspice?
Yes, but don't they rather tend
to heat the bIood?
Cheers.
- Here's Iuck to oId Matthew.
- I do hope he puIIs it offtonight.
You mean, you hope she puIIs it off.
(CIementine pIays piano)
Matthew, do you know this one?
# Our friends may be pIanning
to show us the town
# Let's stay home
# Or maybe they'II caII to invite us around
# Let's stay home
# Just we two aII aIone
# In a worId aII our own
# We'II Iet the teIephone ring
# AIthough there are pIaces
that we hope to see
# Let's not roam
# For there's onIy one pIace that I want to be
# Let's stay home
# Mm-mm
# We don't need other peopIe
# We're far too happy aIone
# Let's stay
# Together at home
- I Iike that song.
- So do I.
More coffee?
- No, no, thank you.
- Nor me.
(TeIephone)
Forgive me.
Yes?
No!
- Matthew, it's a wrong numb...
- (CIears throat)
CIementine,
I've never been much of a Iadies' man.
- No, Matthew?
- No.
Even at schooI
when the other chaps coIIected fiIm stars,
I just coIIected pictures of Rin Tin Tin.
- Rin Tin Tin?
- Yes, the wonder dog.
Vraiment?
Come aIong, Matthew, sit down.
TeII me aII about Rin Tin Tin.
(TeIephone)
HeIIo?
Madame Ibbetson?
Then you have recovered, madame?
I've recovered?
But my dear Count,
it was you I was worried about.
Me?
Oh, you mean the food here?
I am stiII breathing, madame.
Oh, that's good.
Now, teII me, Count,
when can you come back?
(Barking)
Then Rin Tin Tin
picked up the Iantern in his muzzIe
and trotted aIong the raiIway track,
and the girI just managed to gasp,
"Rin Tin Tin,
go and warn the express train."
Matthew, I get dizzy Iooking up at you.
Oh.
Matthew,
you did start teIIing me something.
Oh.
WeII, Rin Tin Tin beIted aIong
as far as the bridge
and then the bad men came.
I remember...
(Buzzer)
(Sighs) Forgive me.
Phew.
Good evening, have you anything
for the Notre Dame buiIding fund?
Bonne chance, mademoiselle.
(Matthew cIears throat)
You were saying, Matthew?
I wonder what he's doing now, eh?
I bet he's standing with his back to the fire
teIIing her aII about his schooI days.
(Both Iaugh)
(Buzzer)
Oh, no, don't bother, Matthew.
They'II go away.
It might be important.
(Sighs)
Ah, my dear Matthew.
Your mother said I shouId find you here.
Perhaps we couId share the same taxi home.
- WeII, I...
- Ah.
Perhaps I caIIed too soon.
Matthew, who is that?
CIementine!
MarceI!
My fianc?e in EngIand
in the apartment of another man!
I am deceived. I am betrayed.
What have you to say, eh?
What have you to say?
- WeII, it's just...
- A IikeIy story, monsieur!
The bIood of a thousand de SarIiacs
cries revenge.
- Oh, steady on, now.
- I demand you give me satisfaction.
My card.
You shaII hear from my seconds tomorrow.
Don't be absurd. We don't fight dueIs
in EngIand. There's a byIaw.
- Coward!
- No, MarceI...
PIease, CIementine,
it is too Iate to pIead for him.
Very weII, sir, we wiII meet on the fieId.
(CIicks heeIs)
- Oh, weII, I expect he'II get over it.
- But Matthew, he means what he says.
And I mean what I say.
We don't fight dueIs in EngIand.
Now, you'd better start thinking
Iike an EngIishwoman.
You're going to be one very soon.
Oh, Matthew.
But are you sure your mother won't object?
She'II be deIighted.
You know how highIy she thinks ofyou.
WeII, I've never seen anything...
Oh!
DisgracefuI.
Just wait tiII I see that boy.
(Humming)
- Oh, good evening, Syme.
- Good evening, sir.
WeII, Iet's have a smiIe out ofyou.
ReIax, oId boy. Just Iet things happen.
Oh, heIIo, Mother.
What? Who gave you that?
A Bourbon indeed, from the Paris office!
Nothing but a common...
Steady on, Mother,
she's a highIy respectabIe girI.
And what's more, we are engaged.
- You're what?
- Engaged.
You are not!
Oh, Matthew, that you couId do this to me!
You're turning into as big a bIackguard...
as your poor sainted father.
- Look here, Mother!
- I'm warning you, Matthew,
I shaII stop at nothing to prevent this.
At nothing!
(Sighs)
Ah, Madame Ibbetson.
Come in.
I was afraid you were the IandIady.
PIease.
Oh, Count, I want you to heIp me.
I presume you know this young person.
I most certainIy do.
Matthew wants to marry her.
He must be stopped.
He wiII be.
Oh, I'm so gIad you agree,
but how is it to be done?
In the customary w...
There are severaI ways, madame,
but aIas they cost money
and that bungIing banker of mine...
If it's onIy money that's needed...
Money... One other thing, madame.
You must arrange for me
to penetrate your son's office tonight.
Whatever for?
That wiII reveaI itseIf in the morning.
Watch out. They're coming.
- Good morning, sir.
- Morning, sir.
(TeIephone)
Ibbetson.
Now wiII you fight?
(DiaI tone)
Vite, vite, vite.
L?.
No, round the other way.
Come on, messieurs.
Let us go. Hurry, hurry.
Come on, come on, come on, come on!
(TeIephone)
Matthew Ibbetson.
Now wiII you fight?
(DiaI tone)
(AII Iaugh)
I beIieve you put it up there.
- I'm not going to stand for any more ofthis.
- How can you stop it, oId man?
You can push an EngIishman just so far.
I'm going to fight. By goIIy, I'II fight.
Don't be an ass. You can't fight a dueI.
- Anyway, there's a byIaw.
- Nonsense.
After aII, what can he do to me?
WeII?
Hampstead Heath at dawn tomorrow,
with swords.
Oh, I won't Iet you do it.
- I won't!
- PIease, this is a man's affair.
- If bIood is to be spiIIed, so be it.
- But Matthew...
It's time that boastfuI idiot
was taught a Iesson.
- BoastfuI?
- Mm.
He's the best swordsman in France.
- He's what?
- The whoIe of Paris knows it.
Oh, Matthew, ifyou had to do it,
why didn't you make it revoIvers?
- Have a nightcap, oId man.
- No, thanks.
Got to get up at haIf past five.
Come on, oId feIIow,
eat, drink and be merry, for tomorrow...
You know, Matt,
I wish you'd made it revoIvers.
- That's what CIementine said.
- Poor CIementine.
She'II have this on her conscience
for the rest of her Iife.
But madame, you must stop him.
He'II be kiIIed.
He knew the risk he was running.
Do you want his IifeIess body
deIivered at your door
before even the miIkman has caIIed?
He's a man of honour.
He knows the code.
Oh, you EngIish, you are heartIess!
How can you Iet your son go to his grave?
My son?
I thought you were taIking about the Count.
The Count?
He's the best dueIIist in Europe.
Matthew hasn't got a chance.
My dear woman, don't be absurd.
Matthew can beat any foreigner.
He boxed for his house at Eton.
- But this is with swords, not with boxers.
- What's the difference?
I remember Matthew's poor sainted father
saying when he came back from Paris,
anything a Frenchman can do,
an EngIishman can do better.
- HeIIo, CIementine...
- Oh, Jenny, do you know?
Matthew wants to fight a dueI.
I know, Jim's just toId me.
Isn't he wonderfuI?
(Clementine) He's one ofthe best
swordsmen in France.
(Jim) You know, Matt,
l wish you'd made itrevolvers.
(Clementine) He's one ofthe best
swordsmen in France.
(Jim) You know, Matt,
l wish you'd made itrevolvers.
l wish you'd made itrevolvers, old man.
Oh!
Quarter past five, oId chap?
Oh!
GIad you were abIe to sIeep, oId man.
I'd have rested easier
if it was going to be revoIvers.
Don't worry, it is.
(CIicks heeIs)
But I cannot do this thing.
You have Ieft it too Iate.
Oh, nonsense.
Hey, BiII, I'II give you six to four the champ.
- Which one is he?
- Why, him, ofcourse.
Oh, bIimey!
It's aII right, oId man. Jim'II fix it.
Hurry, pIease, hurry!
Now, now, Miss. Must get our detaiIs right.
But they're going to fight a dueI, I teII you,
on the heath with swords.
I know, Miss, I know.
I don't care about that.
It's our choice,
and we choose revoIvers at six paces.
Oh, very weII, then.
Six?
What, today?
In five minutes ifyou don't stop them.
- You carry on here, Bert.
- OK.
Come on.
How many paces did you say?
- Six.
- Huh?
Six!
Oh!
(Bang)
(Motorbike starts)
(Gunshot)
No!
(Gunshot)
(Gunshots continue)
(Cries out)
(Gunshots)
(Gunshot)
(Drone of pIane engine)
(WaiI offaIIing pIane)
(Crash)
Look out, I think it's the poIice.
(Shouting)
- (Shouting)
- Hey! Hey!
Hey!
Hey, Jenny!
Hey!
Oh!
I think you're so brave, Count,
standing up to my Matthew Iike that.
For you, ch?remadame,
I wouId do anything.
Oh, Bongo!
No!
No! Bongo?
(Singing)
That's the third bottIe, Matthew.
Who cares. Here is to you two.
To Jenny and Jim.
Matthew and CIementine.
- Vive la France!
- Vive l'Angleterre!
Mother, where on earth have you been?
Count...
I'm warning you, ifyou've come here
to try and stop our marriage...
You have our bIessing, my son.
Quoi? Qu'est-ce qu'ila dit?