B & B (1992) - full transcript

(calm music)

(soft, gentle music)

(alarm beeping)
(energetic music)

(alarm ringing)

- Dad.

(man groans)

Dad, are you up yet?

- 'Course I'm up.

Just looking for my shoe.

- [Announcer] And
today's weather.

On the coast there is
sunshine and showers.

Temperatures mild with
a high of 20 degrees.

So if you're up out that
swimming this morning,

take a brolly.

Stay dry. Stay cool with this.

(mellow music)

- Breakfast on the table.

- I can't find my shirt.

- Shaving cream on your ear.

_ Huh?
- Dad.

- I can't find my briefcase.

I can't go to...

- Off you go.

- Thanks.

See you tonight.

I'll pick you up from Hannah's.

(dad exclaims)



(driving music)

Is he here yet?

- Oh, yeah.

- What sort of mood's he in?

- [Man] I've made my
position perfectly clear.

I don't want to talk
about it anymore, okay?

Now get out.

- Need I say more?

- Oh, Mr. Shepherd.

So kind of you to grace
us with your presence.

- What happened?

- He sacked me.

- You're kidding.
- He sacked me like that.

- I don't believe it.
- 19 years.

- Sacked you for what?

- For complaining about this.

- They're not seriously thinking

of building that, are they?

- [Fired Man] They surely are.

- [Mr. Shepherd] It's hideous.

- Oh, but you better
not complain about it.

Or the only thing you'll be
drawing is the dole, like me.

Well, it's been a treat
working with you boys.

But all good things, eh?

If my wife calls, tell her I'm
at the bottom of the river.

Or in the pub.

(driving music)

- Ronnie.


- I've had it with this place.

- Let me talk to him.

- What's the point?

The man's a fool.

I'll see you around, Steve.

(soft knocking)
- What is it?

- Mr. Cowie.

- Oh, drop it, Shepherd.

Your friend's a troublemaker.

- Well, I think you're
mad to let him go.

- It's none of
your business, son.

We hired an architect,
not a critic.

- But he was right.

I mean, give us a break.

- Leave it, will you? It's
nothing to do with you.

If you know what's good
for you, just leave it.

(soft music)

- Okay. What is it?

What's happened?

- Hmm?
- You haven't said a word

since you got in.

- Ronnie got the sack today.

- Ronnie?

What did he do?

- Told the boss he wasn't happy

with the design he's working on.

Some ugly gray block of flats.

- He got the sack just for that?

That's terrible.

Didn't you say anything?

- Yeah, of course I did.

I marched right in there

and told the boss
exactly what I thought.

- And what happened?

- Threw me out of his office.

- That's not fair.

- Cowie never listens
to what I've got to say.

It's hopeless.

- Isn't there anyone
else you can complain to?

- What? You mean
go to Cowie's boss?

- Yeah.

The man in charge of
the whole company.

That's the person
you should talk to.

- Hmm, Horace Gilbert.

That's the man I should talk to.

Horace Gilbert.

- Come in.

Good morning.
- Good morning.

- Is Mr. Gilbert around?

- Yes. Do you have
an appointment?

- No, but it's important
that I talk to him.

- Ah, well, Mr...

You work here, don't you?

- Steve Shepherd from design.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Shepherd.

He never sees anybody
without an appointment.

He can probably fit you
in sometime next month.

- Oh, that's no good.

- Hang on a minute.

I'll see what I can do.

- Thank you.

(knocking at door)
(operatic singing)

- Sorry to disturb
you, Mr. Gilbert,

but there's somebody'd
like to see you.

- What do you mean someone? Who?

- Mr. Shepherd.

- Has he got an appointment?

- No.
- Then get rid of him.

- Mr. Gilbert.

- What? What's this about?

- I have to talk to you.
It's very important.

- I'm busy.

Who are you anyway?

- Steve Shepherd.

I work for you.

- Oh, you do, do you?

All right, thank
you, Ms. Dudley.

- Thanks.

- I like to think of my door
as always open for my staff.


- Yesterday, Bill Cowie fired
one of your best architects.

Ronnie Osborne.

Ronnie's been with the
firm for almost 20 years.

It's just not right.

Cowie is way out of
line, Mr. Gilbert.

Is there anything
you can do about it?

Mr. Gilbert?

- Do you like opera, Steven.

This one's a real heartbreaker.

- Anyway, about Mr. Osborne.

- I know about Mr. Osborne.

Hard worker, not without
talent, nice fella.

- Then why sack him?

All he did was criticize
those ugly holiday flats.

And he's not the only
one who thinks...

- Really?

And what do you think
about them Steven?

- Well...

- Come, come don't hold back.

Say what you really think.

- Well, to be honest, I think
the project's grotesque.

- Grotesque?

In what way grotesque?

- In every way.

I mean, look at it.

It's like some giant
concrete toilet.

- A giant concrete toilet.

That's very amusing.

So I take it that
you don't like it.

- It's an abomination.

It's tasteless. It's tacky.

Whoever designed that
ought to be put up

against a wall and shot.

- You clearly feel
strongly about it, Steven.

- You bet I do.

And if the designer was here,
I would tell him to his face.

- You're in luck,
Steven. He is here.

- Here in this building?

- In this very room.

- You mean?

(ominous music)


- I think it's time for
you to leave, Steven.

- You're right.

I'll get back to work.

- I don't think you
quite understand, please.

When I say leave, I mean leave.

As in, leave my employment
and never come back.

- You're sacking me?

- That's right, Steven.

I'm sacking you.

Shut the door on the
way out, would you?

- Mr. Gilbert, I only...

- Bye, Steven.

(somber music)

- [Ms. Dudley] How did it go?

- Well...
- It went well?

- Well, he fired me.

- Oh no, that's awful.

What did you do?

- I only told him
what I thought.

- No, you didn't, did you?

- What am I gonna tell Alice?

- Your wife?

- My daughter.

- Well, you just have
to tell her the truth.

- She'll kill me.

- I'm sure she'll understand.

- What?

- [Steven] It's all right.

It's not as bad as it sounds.

- You've got no job
and we've got no money.

- Yeah. Okay.

It is as bad as it sounds.

- But you'll be able to
get another job, won't you?

- Not in this town, love.

- What do you mean?

- You remember the offer
we had on this house?

Well, it looks now like
we'll have to accept that.

Sell up, move back to London.

- What?

- That's where the
work is, Alice.

- Well, you can't
sell the house.

- But we've no option.

- Dad, this is my home.

- It's my home too, sweetheart.

I don't want to move.

- It's always been my home.

You can't take it away from me.

- We've no choice.

We haven't any money.

- I've got 200 pounds
in my bank account.

Have that.

- Oh, that's really
sweet of you, Alice,

but it's not nearly enough.

I've got to do what's best.

- Selling the house is best?

- It won't be so bad.

We'll get a nice little flat.

You like that?

- I know this place.

Every corner of it.

- Alice, it's just a house.

- It's not just a house.

It's all we've got. (sobs)

(men murmuring)

- Morning, one and all.

Thank you.

- Horace.

- How are ya?

- Well, the council
planning committee.

We're all dying to see
what you've got for us.

- Thank you, Geoffrey.

Gentlemen, the buzzwords of the
'90s are caring and sharing.

As you know, I care
about this town.

No, I love this town.

That's why, I want to share it

with as many people as possible.

(dramatic music)

- Voila! Paradise Villas.

- Paradise?
- It looks like

a giant concrete toilet.

(bright music)

- [Girl] You've got
to be joking, this
place is such a drag.

It's got nothing.

- [Alice] It's got my house.

- All it's got is
rotten tourists

who turn up and take over
the place every summer.

Look at them. It's pathetic.

Our place will be
crawling with them soon.

You ought to try
living in a hotel.

Then you'd really have
something to moan about.

- What's so bad about
living in a hotel?

- "Hannah don't use that
bathroom, it's for the guests.

Turn that music down, Hannah.

The guests don't like it."

And all for a rotten
15 quid a night.

- 15 quid?

A night?


- Well, except for kids.

They're half price.

Oh Alice, will you come on.

- It's bound to be
good for business.

- Now, that is a
man with his finger

well and truly on the pulse.

- But aren't there buildings
already on that site?

- It's not a problem.

I've already bought up most
of the properties on the site.

There's only one house remaining

and that is being dealt with.

Gentlemen, I guarantee

that everybody in this room
will benefit from this project.

- Well, thank you Mr. Gilbert.

I'm sure we'll get this matter
our fullest consideration.

- Thank you gentleman.

- What did I tell you?

It's in the bag.

(bright music)

- Dad!




- That's terrific.
- Are you up here?


- Yeah, thanks. Bye.

- [Both] Great news!

- Yours first.

- I've had this amazing idea.

- Okay, let's hear it.

- Why don't we start
doing bed and breakfast,

taking guests 15 pounds a night.

Then we'd have loads of money.

We could keep the house
and still stay here.

It's brilliant. Isn't it?

Okay. What's your great news?

- I've just sold the house.

- No.

- Sorry.

The estate agent said it
was the best offer we'd get.


(door slams)

(alarm ringing)

- Good morning.

- [Steve] Huh?

- Breakfast is served.
- Ouch.

- And on the menu today, we
have the choice of cereals,

fam fresh egg and
bacon, fried tomatoes,

mushrooms and sausages,
lightly grilled toast

with delicious homemade
thick cut marmalade,

lashings of piping hot coffee
and a copy of the local paper.

- What's this all in aid of?

- It's not in aid of anything.

It's breakfast.

You've got a suspicious mind.

You just think I'm after
something, don't you?

- Sorry Alice, looks lovely.

- (exclaims) Look at that!

You know my friend, Hannah?

Her mum and dad take
in paying guests.

- Very interesting.

- Bed and breakfast
15 pounds a night

per person, 15 pounds.

And they've got room for six.

- Yes Alice.

- Six guests at 15 pounds a
night is 90 pounds a night.

- Can I?
- That's 630 pounds a week.

How much did you earn, Dad?

- I know what you're
doing and it won't work.

- That's about 2,500
pounds a month.

- Alice, forget it.

We don't know anything
about running a guest house.

We have to be able
to cook for a start.

Okay, ,well you can
cook, but well beds.

You have to know
how to make beds.

- Anyone could make beds.

- We haven't got
a visitor's book.

- Dad, we'll be earning
30,000 pounds a year.

We can buy one.

- 30, 30,000?

- Thousand.

- What?

- Sorry, Mr. Gilbert,
I'm only passing on

what the estate agent said.

- He's changed his mind.

He won't sell.


We'll soon see about that.

Get me my hat and coat.

Go on. Quick.

- Where are you going?

- Where do you think I'm going?

I'm gonna visit
that awkward cuss.

And I'm gonna make him sell
his wretched little house.

- How will you do that?

- Charm, Miss Dudley, charm.

(dramatic music)

(jazzy music)


- Hello dear.

Are your mommy
and daddy at home?

- I'll get my dad.

He's upstairs.


(unsettling music)


- Yes, how can I...

- What on Earth
are you doing here?

- I'm the one that should
be asking you that.

This is my house and
you're not welcome in it.

- Dad!

- My boy.

Don't you "my boy" me, Gilbert.

If you've come to offer
me my job back, tough.

I don't need it.

- All right, I can
understand your being peeved

but I vote we put all this
bad feeling behind us.

Now I'm gonna put my
cards on the table.

I want to buy your house.

- What?

- Your house.

I want to buy it.

- What for?

- I know what this is all about.

You want to knock
this place down

and build those hideous
flats here, don't you?

- I'm going to be over
generous with you, Shepherd.

I'm gonna offer you 10,000
pounds above the asking price.

- That is generous.

No way.

- 20,000.

Now don't mess me
about, Shepherd.

You'd be a fool not
to take this offer.

- It's not for sale.

- Everything is for sale,
young lady at the right price.

- You heard my daughter.

The house isn't for sale.

Alice show this gentleman
to the door, will you?

- You'll be sorry
about this, Shepherd.

Believe me.

(bright music)

(thunder rumbling)

- Dad, come away
from the window.

We don't want people to
think we're desperate.

- We are desperate.

What if we're wrong?

What if nobody comes?

- Dad, don't worry.

It'll be brilliant,
it'll be great.

We'll be rolling in money.

- Well we will if
somebody shows up.

- We've only just
put the sign up.

Nobody's gonna come tonight.

(doorbell rings)

(Steve exclaims)
(tense music)

- [Alice] Dad!

- What are you doing?

- We've got to make
a good impression.

- Okay, don't say it.

I'll just go throw
myself off the pier.

Sorry I've muckied
up your doorstep.

- Wait.

Are you looking for
somewhere to stay?

- What?
- Do you want a room?

- [Woman] You take the Mack?
- We've got three rooms.

All very nice.

- Let me get this straight,

you're about to let
a deadbeat like me

into your nice, clean house?

- Step this way.

- I do believe I've
drowned and gone to heaven.

Thank you, thank you.

(happy music)

- Here, let me take your bag.

- [Alice] I'll carry this.

- Bet you could use a nice
hot bath and a cup of tea.

- [Alice] I can soon dry
this player on the radiator.

- Now then, which
room would you like?

It's up to you, you choose.

- Be our guest.

- There's a twin. That's nice.

Nice and roomy.

Or there's the family room.

Haven't got a family in
here, have you? (chuckles)

- The single's the best.

Come on this way.

It's warm and cozy.

Sea view.

Like it?

- Yeah, yeah it's lovely.

- So you want it?

I mean you'll take it?

- Please?

- Yeah. Sure.


- [Both] Yes!

- Breakfast. I
hope you're hungry.

- Wow, that's not for me, is it?

- That's ducky Ms...

What was it, Golden was it?

- Yeah, Golden, Billie.

- Hmm, Billie, unusual name.

- Yeah, it's after Billie
Holiday, blues singer.

My mom's a big fan.

- Ah.

- It's great.


(doorbell rings)

- Mr. Shepherd?

- Yes.

- Dick Bearden from the council.

- Oh yes.

- We understand that
you've commenced trading

on these premises as
a bed and breakfast

or a boarding house facility.

- [Steve] That's right.

- Without a certificate
of inspection I'm afraid.

- I don't know what you mean.

- Now, we'll come in.

Oh dear oh dear.

Look at this.

How many bathrooms have you got?

- One.

- No, in the whole house.

- One.

- Only one bathroom.

- That ceiling looks
a bit low to me.

- I've seen enough already.

You a guest here madam?

- Yeah.

- Not anymore I'm afraid.

Will you please
stop eating that?

- What?

I'd be obliged if you'd
pack your belongings

and vacate the premises
as soon as possible

- The lowest!


- What do you
think you're doing?

- Closing you down, I'm afraid.

And make that B&B sign removed.

And I must ask you to
cease trading immediately.

- Why?

- Well, unfortunately this place

doesn't measure up to
the legal requirements.

- Says who?

- The public health
and safety regulations.

- What can I do about that?

- Whoo, well you're talking
about major operations.

For a start, those
windows need to replaced.

This wall needs to come down.

The staircase needs widening.

And of course there's the
new bathrooms, fire doors.

Not to mention that ceiling.

- You're talking about
20 or 30,000 pounds.

I haven't got that
sort of money.

- Then you haven't got a hotel.

Sorry mate.

(tense music)

(sad music)

- Well, that's it
then, isn't it?

I mean, what did we
think we were playing at,

running a hotel?

I felt like a total jerk
in front of those people.

- Why?

You weren't to know
about all those rules.

- Well I should
have known about it.

That's the whole point.

Jumping in without
knowing a thing about it.

What an idiot.

- So, what are we going to do?

- Well, we're in a hole
for crying out loud.

You tell me what to
do and I'll do it.

No, better still don't tell me.

(dish crashes)

Oh blast!

This flaming door!

This blasted house!


- [Billie] Is
everything all right?

- Sorry 'bout all this.

- So what are you gonna do now?

- Sell up and move
to London I suppose.

- Yeah, you're not keen?

- You could say that.

- So what does your
mom think of it at all?

- I didn't have a mom.

She's dead.

- Oh, I'm sorry.

- It was three years ago.

- That's fair enough.

- We manage.

- You must miss her, though eh?

Must be hard on your dad too?

- Yeah, and all this worry
about the house doesn't help.

- Oh you're not
gonna pay attention

to those two jumped up
pain pushers are ya?

- They've got the
law behind them

and we don't have 20,000 pounds.

- So, borrow it.

(Steve growls)

(banging on door)

- Thank you.

- Um, I was just saying you
should go into balance society.

Tell 'em you need the money,
they might lend it to ya.

- [Alice] What about it, Dad?

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

That's it.

I'm not being talked into
any more crazy schemes.

Forget it.

You know your trouble?

You're a defeatest.

Give in too easily.

- She's right, Dad.

We can't just give in.

- It's hopeless.

- Defeatist. See?

- I am not a defeatist.

- Well why don't you prove it?

- Get your coat on and get
down to that building society.

You've got the making of
a great little business

or the go here and if you let
it slip through your fingers,

you're a schnuk.

(playful music)

- Who is this girl?

And what's a schnuk?

- Dad.
- Ah, I'm okay.

I'm okay.
- Just trying-

- Alice.
- Oh, hi.

- Hi, Hannah.
- Hello, Mr. Shepherd.

- Hello there.

You're not at work today?

- Uh no I-

- My dad got the sack.

- Thank you, Alice.

- It's not a secret.

We're opening up as
a B&B, same as you.

- Oh really?

- Well if I can get a
loan to fix up the house.

- Well what do you
want to do that for?

- We don't want to.

We have to.

- Council regulations.

But you must know
all about those.

- What are you talking about?

You surely don't have more
than six bed spaces do you?

Less than six bed spaces

and you don't have to
bother with any of that.

- Are you sure?

'Course I'm sure.

- We haven't got
more than six beds.

- Well then.

- But the man from the Council

said we had to
widen the staircase

and put in extra bathrooms.

- Oh, that's nonsense.

Somebody's been pulling
your leg, Mr. Shepherd.

Check it out with the Council
if you don't believe me.

Come on, Hannah.

- See you tomorrow.
- I'm sorry. We've got to fly.

- Bye.
- Yeah, bye.

- Odd.

Right. Come on.

- [Alice] Where are we going?

- Town hall.

(bright music)

- I'm telling you there's
nobody called Peyton works here.

We've got a Patel.

- It was definitely Peyton.

A little bloke with a briefcase.

- Oh, well that narrows it down.

- There were two of them.

They tried to shut down
our bed and breakfast.

- Well somebody's been
playing silly beggars

if you ask me.

- Who would do a
thing like that?

- Gilbert.

He's trying to force
us out of business.

- What a creep.

So we don't have to close down.

- Well, no not if your
place is up to scratch.

- Fantastic!

- I'll be around on
the 8th to check it out

for cleanliness, hygiene,
that sort of thing.


- Fine.

You won't have any complaints.

Believe me.

- You've saved our
lives, Mr. Noakes.

- Oh. (chuckles)

- Bye.

(tense music)

(dramatic opera music)

(knocking at door)

- There's a call for
you, Mr. Gilbert.

- I thought I told you to
hold all calls, Ms. Dudley.

- Yes, I know you said that

but I thought you'd
want to take this one.

- You thought?

I don't pay you to think.

Whoever it is, tell
him to go away.

- Fine. I'll tell Mr.
Everett that then, shall I?

- What? Everett.

Put him on. Put him on.

Geoffrey, all well?

They came to the town hall.

Blast them.

- It's not all bad.

The health inspector's
going round on Monday

to check them out.

- Is he now?

Wouldn't it be a shame
if he found something?

Leave it to me, Geoffrey.

Much appreciated.

I hate pink.

Throw it away.

- So did you get the money?

- No.

- Great. Isn't it?

Is it?

- It was all a big mistake,
we found out we don't need it.

- Brilliant.

So you're back in business?

- Yep.

- That's a relief.

Otherwise I'd be camping
down under the pier.

- You mean you'll
stay another night?

- Yeah.

- Great.

- See you later.

- It's going to work,
our idea's going to work.

And we'll never have to leave.

- Well okay. we've
got one guest.

But we're not exactly
over crowded, are we?

(doorbell rings)

- We're having the
most terrible trouble

finding somewhere to stay.

There's five of us, I'm afraid.

- Five.

- Welcome. Welcome.

- Do you mean it?

- Let me take your shark.

- So many places
just won't take kids.

- Oh we love kids.

Love 'em.

Come on in, folks.

(kids cheering)
- Thank you.

(suspenseful music)

- It's Gilbert.

- [Shorter Man]
Thank you, Professor.

- Hello, Mr. Gilbert.

- Excuse me.

Don't you have a muzzle
for this creature?

- Sorry, Mr. G.

Jeremy, keep your mouth shut.

Eat your chips.

Now you shoulda seen us as
the men from the Council,

Mr. G, we were dead convincing.

- Yeah, so convincing
they went straight down

to the town hall to
check your credentials.

- Yeah?
- Yes, eh.

- Well that wasn't our fault.

We just did what you said.

Just give us our money.

We'll be off.

- No, you get nothing until
this matter is concluded.

I want those people
out of the house.

Do you understand.

- [Shorter Man] What
we supposed to do?

- [Mr. Gilbert] Just get
in and I'll tell you.

- I want more orange juice!

- Hey, here we go.

Who's first?

- Me!

I want more orange juice!

- Where's mine?

- Yeah, just coming.

- Can I have a coffee, please?

- [Alice] Yes, right.

Won't be a second.

- Yuck, I'm not eating that!

- He doesn't like mushrooms.

Can you take it away?

Give him another egg instead.

No problem.

- Where's mine? I want mine.

- Do you like mushrooms?

- [Little Girl] Yes.

- Then you have this.

- [Boy] I want my orange juice.

- [Mother] Please.

- Ugh.

- Oh, couldn't you?


- Dad, stop panicking.

- Who's panicking?

I am not panicking.

Ah, where are the eggs?

We've run out of eggs.

A B&N with no eggs
is like a bad joke.

- I'll do the eggs,
you do the coffee.

- Yeah, but what
about the kippers?

- Kippers are off.

Go, go!

(children singing

- Right.

Who wanted coffee?

- Oh I did.

- Excuse me, will breakfast
be long, the only-

- We've gotta get
the ferry at 10.

- Yeah, won't be long now.

* Are we waiting

- I hope we're not
being any trouble.


- You said this would be easy.

This is not easy.

- You can manage.

You'll have to 'cause
I'm off to school now.

- What?
- School.

- Well you can't.

- What do you mean I can't?

I've got to go to school.

- Any normal child would jump
at the chance of a day off.

- I can't go bunking off
every time we book guests.

You can manage.

By the way, the eggs are done.

- You look like you're
in a bit of a mess.

- Wait 'til you
see your kippers.

- Need a hand?

- Nah, he can manage.

See you later.

- Pay no attention to her.

If you've an ounce
of compassion in you

you'll put this apron on

and come and save my bacon,
and my eggs and my sausages.

- Great. Okay.

Get some plates
out for these eggs.

(jazzy music)

And lose some of that
rubbish real quick.

- [Guest] 51, 52
pounds and 50 pence.

- Wow, does seem like
a lot, doesn't it?

But that's what
it costs I guess.

So do come again.

- Come on you lot.
- Bye.

- We've only got 10 minutes.

Come on move it.
- My thanks.

- Have a happy holiday.

- See you, thank you.


- Oh yeah.

- I still never got
my orange juice.

- Here, have a refund.


You left one behind.

- Oh Wayne, come on.
- Come on.

- [Wayne] What's the
idea leaving me behind?

- Oh, you can come again.

You're on.

So can I stay one more night?

- Please. Please do.

- Right, okay.

Better be off then.

See you later.

- Yeah, see ya.

Oh Billie, thanks.


(mournful jazzy saxophone music)

(knocking at door)

- Sorry to bother you.

I was wondering,
do you have a room?

- What?
- If you're full up

I can try somewhere else.

No trouble.

Sorry, I wondered do you?

- Hang on.

- Sorry, I'm disturbing you.

Are you looking for a room?

- Well, if it's not
too much trouble,

I'd hate to put you
out or anything.

No, no, no bother.

Come in, come in.

It's 15 pounds a night.

- I was having to stay
for a week if that's okay.

Oh, that's more,
that's wonderful.

Great. Have you any luggage?

- No. Well, yes.

Well, no sort of.
- I'll give you a hand.

- No, no, no, no.

I'll, I'll get it.

If that's all right
with you, I mean.

I hate to be a nuisance.

- Whatever suits you.

I'll show you the room.

It's in here, Mr...

- Berry.

- Mr. Berry, it's a nice room.

You can see the sea.

- [Mr. Berry] I'm
sure it'll be fine.

- I'll just show you that...

- I'll manage and that's fine.

- I'll pay now if that's
all right with you.

That's all right with me.

I like to settle my
bills in advance.

If it's no bother.

The clean towels are
in the wardrobe, left-

(door slams)

(jazzy music)

- Hi.

- Alice, you are a genius.

- Tell that to my teacher.

- Aw, you had a bad day?

- Something like that.

- Well, I've had
a wonderful day.


52 pounds plus 105.

- More guests?

- Well one, but he's
staying a whole week.

It's working, Alice.

- Of course it's working.

- What about you know who?

- Billie? Well she's
staying another night too.

- Don't forget to ask
about the money, will you?

- Yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.

What do you think she's
gonna run off without paying?

She's a nice kid, Alice,
believe me, she'll pay.

(jazzy music)

Sorry for the delay folks.

We're getting there.

Now, you're the kipper, right?

- [Mr. Berry] Excuse me.

I'm the kipper.


- Right, right, right.


- Oh lovely.

- I'm the full
English breakfast.

- Thanks.

- Well, did you ask her?

- I'll ask her after breakfast.

- Dad, she's been
here six nights.

I mean, I like her.

But every morning all she
says is just one more night.

- Come on Alice.

- What if she hasn't any money?

- I'll ask her after breakfast.

Look, I'm really sorry Billie.

But for some reason, my
daughter's got it into her head

that you're broke
and you can't pay.


- What?

- I'm broke and I
can't pay the bill.

I'm really sorry.

Don't know what to say.

- Aw Billie.

It's 90 pounds.

- Yeah I know, I know.

I'll pay it, I will.

I'll get a job.

Play me heart out like a flaming
mashugana since I got here

trying to get some
money together.

Look, I know I've got to
pay you back somehow, right?

- Well how?

- Why don't you let
me, work for you?

- What?

- That's it! You know
that I'm good at it

plus you can't cook on your own.

- I can.

- Then why's that
milk boiling over?

- Oh!

- Whoops.

So, how 'bout it then?

- When can you start?

- Come on Mr. Berry, I
want to change your sheets.

Mr. Berry.

- I don't want my
sheets changed.

I'm happy with
the ones I've got.

- Look, I'm only doing my job.

Just let us in, eh?

- Go away.

I'm busy.

Leave me alone.

- Weird.

- Now what's he up to?

- Won't let me in to
change the sheets.

(Steve sighs)

- Come on Mr. Berry.

- I'm in the middle
of something. Can't
you come back later?

- All right, Mr. Berry.

Is everything all
right in there?

Yes thank you, fine, thank you.

Yes. Goodbye.

- This place has
got to be spotless

before the health
inspector arrives.


- We're in deep schtuck?

- Exactly.

(ominous tones)

(jazzy music)

(doorbell rings)

- Oh, I don't believe it.

He's early.

- Steve, relax.

The house is spotless.

If we scrub it
anymore, it'll bleed,

- Calm.


Mr. Noakes.

- Afternoon.
- Come on in.

Can we get you anything,
a tea or coffee or?

- No thanks.

I can't stay long.

I've got a restaurant
to shut down at five.

I'd like to start in
the kitchen if I may?

- Sure, it's right
through there.

And you'll be
pleasantly surprised.

(tense music)


- May I?
- No.

I mean, you haven't seen
the airing cupboard.

(mutters) and
everything, it's amazing.

It's just up here.
- Billie!

- Let's do this
methodically, shall we?

- Mr. Noakes I really
think you should see

the lichen on that boiler.

- Billie!

Thank you.


- Kitchen.

- Hi.
- Hi.

- Oh hello Mr. Noakes.

- Hello.
- Well, do we pass?

- Ah well, I don't know.

So far I've only seen the hall

and as halls go, it's
a very nice hall.

- Did you offer
Noakes some tea, Dad?

(tense music)

- Alice!

- I was just saying that
we should show Mr. Noakes

the airing cupboard.

You know the brown
linen cupboard upstairs?

Yeah, yeah?

- Great idea.

This way Mr. Rats, Mr. Noakes.

- I want to inspect
the flaming kitchen.

He wants to inspect
the flaming kitchen.

Follow me, Mr. Noakes.

Come and see our
airing cupboard.

- It's good, isn't it?

- Ah, it's wonderful.

And even better than the hall.

- Feel how warm that is.

- Yeah, very warm.

- Do you have an airing
cupboard at home, Mr. Noakes?

- What is all this stuff
about airing cupboards?

- Why is everyone looking
in the airing cupboard?

- [Billie] Where
did they come from?

- More to the point, how
do we get rid of them?

- Don't look at me.

I'm not getting any of them.

- Dad's fishing net!

Wait here.

(tense music)

- Why don't you all go
and clean the garden?

Go on, move, go on, go on.


- What was that?

- Sounded like a scream.

- Oh there's a big
black one out there!

Oh no, there's one just
going out into the hall.

- Shouldn't you got to
have a look, Mr. Shepherd?

- Why don't you Mr. Berry?

- Oh!
- Now what?

- Oh!

- [Mr. Berry]
Where's she got to?

- I've had a belly full of
this. I want to see your kitchen

and I'm going to
see your kitchen.

- Got you!

- Oi, what are you
doing with my hat?

- Well, it's an old Scottish
Jewish custom, you see?

Whenever a stranger
arrives on your doorstep

to make them feel more
welcome you do a wee dance

around the hat.

See? (singing in
foreign language)

- Oh for pity's sake.

Will you please
get out of my way

and let me into that kitchen?

- No.
- Okay.

Okay. What's the point?

Let the man in.

- Thank you very much.

(suspenseful music)

(cat meows)

Oh hello.

Oh what a lovely creature.

Aren't you beautiful, eh?

Aren't you lovely, eh?

Meow, meow, meow.

- I never knew you had a cat.

- Neither did I.

- Cleopatra, there you are!

Oh, I'm so sorry.

This is all my fault.

You mustn't blame Mr. Shepherd.

He had no idea I was hiding
Cleopatra in my room.

I couldn't come on holiday
and leave her behind.

I just couldn't.

I'm sorry.

I'm so sorry.

- [Mr. Noakes] So that's what
you were hiding from me is it?

Oh I'm not worried
about cats, daft man.

Now can I please
get on with my work?

(suspenseful music)

- [Steve] Is that it, Mr.
Noakes? Is everything okay?

- Yes, very nice
establishment you've got here.

- That's a relief.

Thank you.

- What happened to my hat?

(Billie gasps)


- I think I put it over there.


Here's your hat.

- Right.

Well, I'll be off then.

- Bye bye.

(thoughtful music)

- Yes!
(Billie exclaims)

(tense music)

- What?

They've granted their license.

- But what about the rats?

Oh, that was hound-fisted
bungling boobies.

Can't they do anything properly?

I know Geoffrey.

Yes, Geoffrey.

Of course, Geoffrey.

Goodbye, Geoffrey.

(tense music)

Don't get too
cocky, Mr. Shepherd.

I haven't finished with you yet.

In fact, I've barely begun.

I'll get you one way or another.

- This is your table.

On the left here.
- Thank you.

- Can you manage?

This young lady'll
take your order.

Alice, I'm sorry I
ever doubted you.

This bed and breakfast
idea is really taking off.

- Yeah, nothing's
gonna stop us now.

(dramatic opera singing)

(phone buzzes)

- What is it now, woman?

I thought I told you
to hold all calls?

- I know you said that-

- Shut up. What are
you, stupid or what?

- There's no need to
be rude, Mr. Gilbert.

- Wrong again, Ms. Dudley.

Go away.

- And the call from
Mr. Krauss in Germany?

- Tell him to take a flying.

- Fine.
- Krauss?

- Yes.

- Why didn't you tell me?

Put him on.

Go on. Put him on quickly.

- [Ms. Dudley] You're through.

- Gunther, how are you?

Nice of you to call.

And how's that
charming lady wife?

There's no need to
lose your rag, old man.

The project is steaming ahead.

Problems? (chuckles)

No problems.

- Finished?

- Yeah.

Is that the lot?

- Yep.

Well, so that's it then, eh?

- What about those? Do
you want me to wash them?

- No, no, no, no, no. You've
done more than enough.

- Oh hey, I don't mind.

Gimme them, gimme them.
- Billie.

- No no, honestly.

- You've paid your debt.

Now take it easy, eh?

Fact, you're free to
go anytime you like.

- Oh, right.

- Bet you'll be glad
to be back on the road.

- Yeah, great.

- What's up?

- Nothing nothing.

I'll just go pack my stuff.

- [Steve] What are
you doing here?

- You're so thick
sometimes, Dad.

Can't you see?

She doesn't want to leave.

- What do you mean?

- She likes it here.

She likes us.

She wants to stay.

- You're not
seriously suggesting

I should say to her,

"Billie, how'd you like to come
and work for us full time?"

- I accept.
- Hmm?

- Thanks for your kind offer.

When do I start? Now?

Right, gimme those sheets.

- Hello, it's Horace Gilbert.

I have a little job for you.

Something right up your street.

- [Alice] So where
did you go next?

- After Liverpool, let me think.

Spend one horrible
day in Sheffield.

Then after that Lester,
stayed with some people there

for a few weeks, didn't work.

Story of my life.

- What made you leave
Glasgow in the first place?

- Ever come across
the words bored

and miserable and aggressive?

- I thought Glasgow was
supposed to be a nice town.

- It is, I was
describing my dad.

- You didn't get on eh?

- I love my mom. She's great.

But him?

(speaking in foreign language)

- What does that mean?

- It means a stupid old...

It means he treated
me like a kid.

- I know the feeling.

- Yeah, the difference
is you are a kid.

He wouldn't let me come in
after 10 o'clock at night.

Can you believe that?

Hate the way I dressed,
hated my friends.

From the minute I was
born, it was nag, nag, nag.

I just had to get away.

- Well, I'm glad you
turned up on our doorstep.

'Cause my dad's just
hopeless and if...

- Billie!

- Look at that.

Made in heaven.

Wonder how much it is.

- Come on. Let's go in and ask.

- We've got to get back.

- Two minutes. Come on, come on.

Oh baby you are beautiful.

(man exclaims)

Oh, sorry.

I was just wondering how much
you're asking for this, pal?

The Norton Commando

is surely a little
beyond the madam's range.

- I don't think there's
any call for that, do you?

Listen, friend,
one of these days

I'm gonna have a
bike just like that

and see when I do it, I'm
gonna come roaring in here

and use your coat
as a garage, right?

Come on Alice, let's go.

(jazzy music)

(doorbell rings)

- Hello.

- Oh hi.

- Do you have any vacancies?

- For one, is it?

- Please.

Sure, come on in.

Let me take that.

(both exclaiming)

I'm so sorry.

- [Woman] All my fault.

- Are you all right?

Here, let me look.

- I'm fine. It's fine.

Do you welcome all
your guests like this?

Or am I just lucky?

- Yeah.

So was it just the one night?

- Well, I was hoping I can
stay a little bit longer.

That's not a problem, is it?

- No, no, no. Not at all.

It's 15 pounds a night.

- Fine.

- Grab a seat.

- It's Maria.

- Maria.

- Szczebanska.

- Sh...



- S





- Oh yes, I thought so.

So you're not a
local girl, then?

- No

I'm Polish, but I've lived in
London for the last 15 years.

- But you're just
staying here on holiday?

- Mm hmm.

- All alone?

- I wanted to get away from
everybody and everything.

- Hi.
- Oh!

Maria, this is my
daughter, Alice.

And Billie.

- Hello.

Nice to meet you.

And what a lovely necklace.

It is silver, isn't it?

- Great.


Oh, uh.


- Let me show you
the, after you.

(pensive music)

(knocking at door)

I thought you might
like a little supper.

- You're so sweet.

Thank you.

- Only don't tell
the other guests, eh?

This is for very
special visitors only.

- I'm very grateful,
Mr. Shepherd.

- Oh Steve.

- Steve, thank you.

- Bye.

You off out?

It's a bit late.

- Yeah I'm traveling with the
band down at Blue Note Club.

- The Blue Note Club?

- Yeah, see ya.

- Billie, what
yourself down there.

It's got a bit of a
reputation. That place.

- I'll be fine.
- Well, when will be home?

- I don't know, midnight,
maybe a bit later.

- How'll you get back?

- I'll walk, gimme
a break, Stevie.

- Well I don't like
to think of you

walking the streets on your own.

- So don't think about it.


(jazzy music)

- [Man] Get off.

- Don't come back, you tour rat.

- [Groupie] I'm going.

- [Billie] Come on,
get off me, please.

- Billie!

- Hold on.

What are you doing here?

- I just thought I'd
come and walk you home.

- Walk me home?
(friends snickering)

- You're gonna be
warm enough like that?

- I'm fine.

You shouldn't have come.

- I'd only have sat around
at home worrying about you.

- 'Night!

- [Friends] See you later.

- 'Kay, see you, bye.

Steve, I know you mean well,

but let's get one thing
straight right away.

I may be living at your house,
but you're not, I repeat,

not my flaming dad, get it?

- I was only thinking
of you and you're

- I was just doing...I'm
a grown woman.

I can look after myself, right?

- Billie!


- You see what that was?

I think Mr. Gilbert will be
very pleased to hear about this.

What do you say Jazzer?

- Yeah.

(phone buzzes)

- [Ms. Dudley]
There's two gentlemen

to see you, Mr. Gilbert.

- I'm not in.

- Hello, Mr. Gilbert.

It's us.

- For crying out loud.

- I'm sorry, Mr. Gilbert.

- So am I.

Thank you, Ms. Dudley.

All right. All right.

I told you never to come in.

Now what on Earth
are you playing at?

- We've got some
information for you.

- Juicy stuff.

- Stuff that'll make
your mouth water.

- Can't you get it
through your thick skulls

I cannot be seen fraternizing
with you riff raff.

Now out! Come on, out.

- Oh so you don't want to know
about Shepherd and the house?

Okay, let's go, Jeremy.

Shepherd, Shepherd,
now tell me, tell me.

- Aha!
- Now don't "ah ah" me.

What do you mean?

- We haven't be paid
for the last two jobs.

- So if you want the info, mate,

you'll have to cough up.

- Now wait a minute.

This info, will it
help me get the house?

- Could do.

- All right.

Shall we say 200 pounds?

- Sure, if we say it twice.

- All right, 400, but
it better be good.

Now spit it out.

- Shepherd's gotten a
Scottish bird working for him.

- Lippy little number.

- And we happen to know
that not all the old chicks

is is happy in
the old hen house.

- Oh come on, get to the point.

- You could say the
feathers have been flying.

- They're at each
other's throats.

Now's your chance
to steam in there,

do the business.

- United they stand,
divided they fall.

- Exactly.

The girl's ready for nobbling.

Know what I'm saying?

- Yes. Absolute garbage.

Do you seriously imagine
that that information

is worth 400 pounds?

Go on. Get out.

- Hey what.
- What about?

- I said get out.

Now move it!

And you, out!

(tense music)

- [Alice] I've got
to go to school now.

- Oh, all right love.

- Bye.
- Bye.

- Bye.
- See ya.

- Nice kid, I like her.

- Fetch Maria some
fresh coffee, will you?

- Coming.

- So what's on the cards today?

Going somewhere nice?

- Got any ideas?

- Well, now there's a question.


Are you a stick of
rock into the pier,

bumper cars and candy
floss sort of a person

or a healthy walks
along the cliff tops

discovering historic
sites and homemade scones

in the little old lady's
tea shop, kind of a girl?

- I'd say I was more can't
decide what to do or where to go

sort of person

who would so with someone nice

to show her the
local attractions.

- Can I apply for the job?

- You got it.

- Right, hold out your cup.

Oh no, sorry.

I don't really want it.

- We're off.

Hold the fort, will you?

- Now wait a minute, what the-
- You can manage can't you?

Shall we?

(thoughtful music)

(tense music)

(rock music)

- Hello.
(Billie exclaims)

- Don't do that.

- Sorry.

- If you're looking for a room
I'm afraid we're full, okay?

- Are you Ms. Golden?

- Yeah.

- Well my name is
Horace Gilbert.

Perhaps you've heard of me.

- Horace Gilbert?

The Horace Gilbert?

You've got cheek coming
in here, haven't ya?

Mr. Shepherd's not in.

- I know.

It's you I wanted to talk to me.

But do you mind?

- Me? So what'd
you want with me?

- You're a clever girl.

Let's talk turkey shall we?

Now I want this house,
but I can't get it, can I

while your Mr. Shepherd
is busy playing at hotel?

- What has this got to
do with me, Mr. Gilbert?

- I know that you are keen

on having one of these.

- No, I've already got a
brochure like that, thanks.

- Ha ha, very funny.

I mean, of course the bike.

- Are you trying to
bribe me or something?

- Well obviously.

Listen, I want that man
put out of business.

And I think you're
the person to do it.

When the house is mine,
the bike is yours.

Now I've come up with
a very clever ruse

which won't harm a soul.

And it's very clever and
simple and effective.


Now what if somebody were to
leave the plug in the bath

carelessly and then accidentally

forgot to turn the taps off?

You see water does the
most dreadful damage

to a building seeping
through the floorboards.

Very nasty.

Hotel shuts, Mr.
Shepherd goes bust,

but I offer him a fair price

for what's left of his building.

You get your bike, I'm happy,

he's happy, you're happy,

tra-la-la, everybody's happy.


- I think you'd better
go, Mr. Gilbert.

- I think it's
worth considering.

- Goodbye, Mr. Gilbert.

- Bye.

(ominous tones)

(jazzy music)

- [Alice] Billie, phone.

It's someone called Trucker.

- Right.

Hiya, how you doing?

Who told you it was my birthday?

No, no, it's not 'til tomorrow.

- After you, Ms. Giovan.

- Thank you kindly,
Mr. Shepherd.

- Where have you been?

- Oh, we had the
most wonderful day.

Your dad's such fun.

We went for this lovely
long walk on the sea front

all the way down
to the light house.

Then lunch at this lovely
little pub and then what?

Oh yes, Steve insisted
he had a donkey ride.

It was so funny.

And look, what he
won at the fair!

- You were going to
meet me after school.

We were supposed to
be doing the shopping.

- Oh shoot, I completely forgot.

I'm sorry.

Look, I'm going
upstairs to my room.

Thanks again.

(Billie laughs)

- Right. Shopping.

- [Billie] Okay so I'll see
you down at pub about 11.

- She's not going down to
that club again, is she?

- It's her birthday,
lay off her.

Now can we please go?

(tense music)

- No, the old boy won't be
showing up to walk me home

'cause if he does I'm
through with this place.

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday to you

* Happy birthday dear Billie

* Happy birthday to you

- Shut up you lot, you.

- Where to now then, people?

- [Group] Party,
party, party, party.

- Party, your place.

- No, no, come on.

- Come on, party.
- Yeah.

- Whoo hoo hoo!
- Shh.


Through here.


(group whispering)

Shh, shh.

Guys, guys.

You gotta keep it quiet, eh?

- Where's the food?

- I'm starving is
there any toast?

- Shh!

Stick the kettle on.

You can make a cup
of tea, that's all.

That's the breakfast stuff.

Put it back.

Get off.

(rock music)

- Yay!

- What in heaven's name's
going on down here?

Billie, who are
all these people?

It's 2:30 in the morning
for crying out loud.

- Nothing, is there a problem?

- You're darn right
there's a problem.

This is my house.

- Calm yourself, mate.

It's the girl's birthday,
we're celebrating.

- [Woman] We're having a party.

(group laughs)

- This is outrageous.

You've gone too far.

Look, I've got a whole
house full of guests

trying to sleep up there.

Out, all of you, out the back.

Come on, out!

I mean it, out now, all of you.

(group snickering)

Let's go!



Look you lot, I'm not
gonna tell you again.

- All right.

- That's it, out.

Come on, out, I mean it.

All of you.


- What's happening?

- [Billie] Sorry guys.

I'll see you tomorrow maybe.

- Right.

- Oh Dad, no.

- Up to bed, please.

- But Dad!

- Alice!

- [Billie] Thanks a lot, pal.

- Will you keep your voice down?

- You just made me your kid,

bumbling in front of my friends.

How dare you?

- How dare I?

That's rich.

I'll thank you to
remember this is my house.

- Well, I live here too.
- Yeah, for the time being.

- Meaning?

- Look, I've got a nine
year daughter upstairs.

I won't have this sort of
thing happening in my house.

- What sort of thing?

We were making toast.

- I don't know what
to make of you.

I mean, I go out of
my way to help you.

And this is how you pay me back.

- Well, if you'd stop
treating me a flaming kid.

Then stop behaving like one.

- We were just having a laugh.

- Fine, but not in my house

and not at three
o'clock in the morning.

And if you're not
happy about that

then you know what you can do.

- Yeah, I know what I can do.

(tense music)

(happy music)


(tense music)

(thoughtful music)


- What's happening?

- Erm, I don't know.

- Are you leaving?

- Well, I was thinking...


- Billie, I'm sorry.

I flew off the handle.

- I'm sorry too, Steve.

- You all right?

- Yeah, yeah, I'm okay.

- Look Billie, I do
know you're not a kid

and I'm not gonna keep on
at you as if I was your dad.

I promise.

- Thanks.

And I promise that I'll be
more considerate from now on.

- Friends?

Your turn to serve the
kids on table three.

- You've totally
ruined my birthday.

- Ah, any old excuse.

Goodnight, Ms. Golden.

- Goodnight, Mr. Shepherd.

(thoughtful music)

- [Jeremy] How long
have we gotta sit here?

- [Thug] Long as it takes.

- But I'm missing "Master
Chef" 'cause of this.

- Shut up complaining will ya?

Look, we're not
budging from here.

Until we've dug some dirt
on Shepherd, all right?

- Want some pot noodle?

- [Thug] You great big pudding.

What do you think this
is, Meals on Wheels?

Now, can we please just watch?

- [Alice] It is them.

It's those two men
who work for Gilbert.

- You're right.
- Flaming cheek.

- Gilbert must be
really desperate

to have us watched
24 hours a day.

- Yeah, I mean do
they really think

nobody's gonna notice them?

- There must be
something we can do.

Ah, (giggles) I've got it.


(horn blaring)


- You stupid, idle wassock.

You fell asleep, didn't ya?

I told you to stay on guard.
- I actually never heard that.

Vivaldi, it always
sends me right off.


- Just get on, go on.

- Dick, Dick, what is it?

Oh, lovely balloon.

- [Dick] Get in, ya big lunk.

Get in!

- Did you see that?

- What was all that about?

- Oh we were just seeing
the happy couple off

on their honeymoon.

- How about this happy couple?

Are we still on for today?

- You betcha.

- Any chance for
breakfast before we go?

I know I'm late but-

- For you, we make it
a special exception.

- You are sweet.

- Oh Billie, clear
the tables would ya?

Alice, one full English
breakfast, please.

Allow me to show you the
best seat in the house.


(Steve humming)

Maria likes her
eggs lightly done.

- Does she?

(humming) Oh, try and get
her a nice piece of bacon.

One with not too much fat on it.

- Naturally.

- What's up with you?

What is it?


Ah, it's Maria.

- It's you.

- What's me?

What do you mean it's me?

Is it because I wasn't there
yesterday to pick you up

from Hannah's house?

- Yes and because you
weren't there to go shopping

the day before that.

And you weren't there to
collect me from school.

And today, the day we
usually go swimming together,

guess what?

You won't be here again.

- Ah.

- What's going, Dad?

- What can I tell you?

I'm sorry. I wasn't thinking.

I can't have you spend
the afternoon on your own.

You can come with us.

- Are you serious?

- Yeah, we'll have a great time.

Me and my two
favorite girls, eh?


Once upon a time
it was mom and me

who were your two
favorite girls.

- Ah.

- How can you just forget her?

- Alice.

I...I will never
forget your mom.

How could I, how
could you think that?

- She'd be sick if you saw

the way you behave
with that woman.

- Yeah. Come and sit down.


(thoughtful music)

Darling, I know you miss Mom.

I miss her too.

Every day I look
around this place

and I can see her,
I still love her.

And that won't change even
though she's not here,

but life's got to go on.

- But Dad.
- Let me finish.

Mom loved me.

And I know she wouldn't have
wanted to see me lonely.

- How can you be lonely?

I'm here.

- I know that, baby.

And I love you very much.

But surely you
must have realized

that one of these days I'd
meet somebody new, didn't you?

- Yes.

But does it have to be her?

- What does that mean?

- Nothing.

- No, come on, out with it.

- All right.

I don't like her and
I don't trust her.

- Is that a fact?

Well, listen to me.

I happen to like her very much.

And if you've got a
problem with that,

well, I'm sorry, because
that's the way it is.


(sad music)

- Tea?
- Nah.

- Okay, what's wrong with you?

- Nothing.

- That's a nice picture.

- That was the summer
my dad put up the swing.

It was so funny.

He was mucking around,
showing off so much.

The branch broke and he
landed right on his bum.

(both laughing)

My mom and me just
fell about laughing.

We laughed and we laughed.

- Don't be too hard
on your dad, Alice.

- I don't know what to do.

- Come here.

- Alice!

You ready?

Get your swimming
stuff, we're off.

- Go on.

- Now listen,
before you set off,

give me a minute.

Into the kitchen
while I speak to her.

- Okay.

- Hi.

- Where's Dad.

- Alice, look, I
wanted a quick word.

I know the situation
is difficult,

but the last thing
in the world I want

is to come between
you and your dad.


He told me what you
were saying this morning

and I felt really hurt.

So I said we'll come home early

and Alice can go for her swim.



- All well?

- Everything's going to
be just fine. Yes, Alice?

- Come on.

We'd better get a move on.

Have a lovely time.

- Thanks, bye.

- Bye.


- Pretty kid.

- [Billie] It's difficult.

- All right.

All right.

15 minutes.

Yes. Okay.

Look, I cannot talk now.

Right? See you soon.

Oh hi.

I thought you were out.

Wrong number.

Right, I'm going to
get some fresh air.

- Bye.

(happy music)

(both laughing)

- Try, come on.

Let's do some proper swimming
before we finish, okay?

What you need to do.

Like so.

Come on and kick your legs.

All right.

Last one home's a stinker.

I can't get my keys out.



- Hello.

- Oh hi, Ms. Dudley.

- Carol.

Is the water warm?

- Yeah, no, it's great.

Not too busy either.

- Oh great, well can't wait.

See you then.

- [Steve] Yeah, bye.

(unsettling music)

- There goes your friend.

- Hmm?

- It was Maria.

She's gone now.

- Hi.
- Hiya.

Had a good swim?
- Great.

Where's Maria?

- She went out.

- See, I told you I saw her.

- Swims like a
torpedo, x-ray vision.

Next thing you know

she'd be joining the
legion of superheroes.

And who better to fly
at the speed of light

to the nether reaches
of the kitchen

and to do battle with the
one they call Darjeeling.

- You mean you
want a cup of tea?

- Yes, Earthling.

- It's the chlorine
fumes gone to his head.

- Hi.
- Oh you're back.

You're just in time for a cuppa.

- Oh great.


- I needed some air,

went for this lovely long
walk along the cliffs.

- The cliffs?

- Oh, the view is just
great from up there.

Do you know you can see France.


- So you weren't in town, then?

- Oh no.

Oh, by the way, Steve,
could you spare me a moment?

There's something I wanted to...

- Sure.

- Great.

- That woman's a liar.

I did see her in town.

- Yeah and I heard
her making a date

with someone on the phone.

Told me it was a wrong number.

- What's going on?

- There's no facing it.

She's two timing your dad,

- Seeing someone else?

- Gotta be.

- Well I'm telling-

- Hey, she'll just
deny it won't she?

We've gotta find some proof.

(mystical music)

We can't go searching
through other people's bags.

- No, definitely not.

- Have you given
any more thought

about what I was
saying the other day?

Only I need an answer
before I go to London.

- I have, actually.

To tell the truth. I haven't
been thinking about much else.

- Oh, you're wasted
down here, Steve.

There are firms in London
crying out for good architects.

I really don't know why you
wouldn't give it a shot.

- You know why.

It's this house and Alice.

- Alice can have the most
wonderful life in London.

She'd love it.

- Maria, I know that, but
she doesn't want to leave.

This house is special to her.

- It's only bricks
and mortar, Steve.

Our feelings aren't going to
suddenly go away, are they?

- I'm sure you're right.

And it's all great in theory,

but I can't afford
to move to London.

- Yes you can.

Tell me how.

You can come and
stay at my place.

Come on. Say something.

- Do you mean it?

Of course you mean it.

Well there's an offer.

I don't know what to say.

- It's simple, just say yes.

Sell the house and say yes.

(thoughtful music)

- What are we looking for?

- I don't know,
something, anything.

- What's that?

- It's a phone number,
a local phone number.

- She said she didn't
know anyone round here.

- Well she obviously does, look.

His name's Len.

- Len, I bet that's who
she went to meet in town.

- Yeah, she seeing
this bloke, Len

and she's stringing your
dad along the whole time.

- Wait, what if we're wrong.

I mean, what if this Len

turns out to be her
brother or something?

- Well why would she lie?


- Right, that's it.

- Alice?

- Dad. I need to talk to you.

- Go ahead.
- Alone.

- You can talk in
front of Maria.

- Look, you've got
to listen to me.

This woman's a phony.

- Hmm?
- She's lying to you.

She wasn't out
walking in the cliffs.

She was in town meeting a man.

- What?

- Hasn't she told you
about her other boyfriend?

- Alice!

- This is nonsense.

I don't know what
you're talking about.

- Of course she doesn't.

So who's Len then?

Ask her that.

- I don't know any Len.

- It's true, Dad, if you don't
believe me, look at this.

- You've been in my bag!

- Alice.

- She's making a
fool of you, dad.

- Alice, stop this now.

What's she on about?

- Oh, for heaven's sake.

There's a simple
explanation to all this.

- We're dying to hear it.

- Read what it says.

Go on, read it.

- Lens, 0424423399.

- Lens as in a contact lens.

That's the number of the
opticians in the high street.

- What?

- Your dad recommended him to me

when I lost one of
my lenses yesterday.

- That's right. I did.

That's where I was
this afternoon.

I know this is silly,
but I hate people to know

I wear contacts.

- How dare you go through
somebody else's belongings.

And what a thing to
suggest, I can't believe it.

- No don't, it's not important.

- No, I happen to think
it's extremely important.

If we're gonna live
together in London,

we've got to cut out all
this stupid nonsense.

- What do you mean
live together?

- Alice, I've made a decision.

Maria and I have discussed it.

We're gonna sell the
house and move to London.

- You, you can't!

- My mind's made up.
It's all settled.

I don't want to hear
another word about it.

(tense music)

- [Woman] Oh, this is such a
lovely place you've got here,

isn't it, dear?

- OH very nice.

- We'll definitely be back
here yet again next year.

- Well, you'll be sitting in
the middle of a building site.

If you do.

- What?

- They're knocking down this
lovely old house just to build,

what was it you called it,
a giant concrete toilet?

- Is that right, what she said?

- Well I'm sure it won't be
as bad as they all think.

It's only a few
little holiday flats.

- 600.

- Sounds horrible.

- But that'll spoil the
whole area, won't it?

- Is there nothing
you can do to stop it?

- Well, we did what we could.

But we could only
hold out for so long

Maria, taxi's here.

I wish you'd let me come
with you to the station.

- What, all that
standing on the platform

and people everywhere?

No, let's say our goodbyes here.

- Au revoir.

- Au revoir.

(sad music)

And the house sale?

- I'll go around the estate
agent right after breakfast.

- Wonderful.

I can't believe this has
all happened so quickly.

- I'll phone you tonight.

The meter's running.


(determined music)

- I hope you know
what you're doing.

- I do, Billie.

Oh sugar!

Look what she's forgotten.

I won't be long.

(determined music)

- That's it then, isn't it?

- Yep, that's it.

Who'd have him?

- So what are you going to do?

- Pack up my stuff and
hit the road I suppose.

- Need anyone to
carry your rucksack?

- [Announcer] British
Rail apologizes

to passengers on platform
one for the late arrival

of the 10:45 service
to London, Victoria.

This train will be arriving
in four minute's time.

(happy music)

(Maria laughs)

- Hey, guess who you forgot?

- I don't believe it.
- Oh no.

(tense music)

- You stupid fool.

- You work for Gilbert?

- A job's a job.

(sad music)

- Oh morning, Mr. Gilbert.

I'm glad you're here.

This needs signing
and sending off right-

Mr. Gilbert.
(phone rings)

Gilbert Developments.

Yes, one moment.

He's just come in.

(phone buzzes)

- What?

- [Ms. Dudley] It's Gunther
Krauss from Hamburg.

- Oh why can't he
leave me in peace?

Why can't everybody
just leave me in peace?

Put him on.

Gunther, how are you?

Yes Gunther, I know.

Yes, but Gunther,

listen, I'm sorry.

I'm sorry.

Trust me.

I'm on top of the situation.

One way or another,

we start building by
the end of the month.

- Could I just quickly ask
you to sign this, Mr. Gilbert?

- I don't believe this.

I'm on the phone to Germany.

- Yes, but you
particularly wanted-

- Shut up and get out
you stupid kretin.

(laughs) Not you, Gunther.

No, yes, there will
be no more problems

with that wretched house.

Not after tonight.

I've been pussyfooting
about for too long.

No more Mr. Nice Guy.

It's time we show these people

what they're really up against.

(unsettling music)

(jazzy music)

- Where is he?

- What?

- Something's happened.

He hasn't shown
his face all day.

I think you should go up
and have a word with him.

But Alice, go easy on him, eh?

- Dad?

What's up, Dad?

- You were right about Maria.

She was a phony.

She was working for Gilbert.

- What?

- And I feel for it
because I'm an idiot.

- No you're not, Dad.

- And I thought I'd met
somebody who really liked me.

And all the time she
must've been laughing

at me behind my back.

- Don't Dad, forget her.

- What about you?

What can I say to you?

- You don't have
to say anything.

- I'm sorry, Alice.

- Dad, these things happen.

- Maybe.

But why do they always
seem to happen to me?

Oh, we'll get by, baby, somehow.

- 'Course we will.

- I mean surely Gilbert's going
to give up after all this.

What else can he
possibly do to us?

- Murder?

- Shh, shh, keep your
voice down will you?

I'm not proposing
murder, you morons.

All I'm asking you to do
is to burn down the house.

That's all.

- But it's full of people.

- Details, details,
and they'll get out.

Stop worrying.

Here's some petrol.

- No, no, no, no, no, no.

It's not on me.

Come on Jer.

- Stop right here.

The money, here, take it.

Take it, all of it.

There's some for you and you.

And there's more
where this came from.

Just do this one last thing.

You know something, Mr. Gilbert,

I've suddenly realized
something about you.

You're not a very nice person.

and headcase, mate.

There's places for
people like you.


Stuff your flaming money.

Come on, Jeremy.

- Right, I'll do it myself.

(tense music)

(glass breaking)

(phone bell rings)


(flames roaring)
(Gilbert gasps)

(Gilbert coughs)

(fire alarm beeps)

- There's a fire!

- I know, I'll wake everyone.

Mr. And Mrs. Ellis, wake up!

There's a fire!

- [Steve] You!

- [Mr. Gilbert] Get out
of my way! (head thuds)

- Hello?

- Gilbert!


- It's okay, Alice.

- [Gilbert] Get out of my way.

(Gilbert exclaims)


Careful please.

- Alice, Alice where's your dad?

- I thought he was with you.

- [Billie] Steve!




- [Alice] Help me.

Quick, come on, Dad.

- [Billie] Hurry, come on.

(siren wailing)

(radio transmissions garbling)

- [Officer] Back,
clear everyone.

Back now.

Clear the door.

Any casualties?



- Ah, mind my ankles.

- [Officer] Go on sir.

- See you in 10 years, Gilbert.

- Inspector, there's a simple
explanation for all of this.

- Just get in the car, sir.

(Gilbert exclaims)

- I don't get it.

Who called the police?

- Yeah, and the fire brigade.

- I did.

- Carol!

- Ms. Dudley?

- You just went too far
this time, Mr. Gilbert.

- Ms. Dudley you're fired.

- Too late, Mr.
Gilbert, I resign.

(happy music)

- Thanks Carol.

Well folks, that's
Gilbert off our back.

- And nothing's
gonna stop us now.

- Right.

(group laughing)

(bright music)