B.T.S. (Better Than Sex) (2002) - full transcript

Lin, a 17 year old high school student thinks the most important thing in his life is his collection of 4,572 porno magazines. Cheng, owner of the biggest pornography store in Taiwan, became Lin's only friend. Before dying, Cheng told Lin "Take this key, go to that place, then you will know what is love, what is sex, and what is the meaning of life."


A country mesmerized by
Japanese culture.

Be it automobiles, comics or movies...

everything in Taiwan...

has a trace of Japanese culture.

And much like Japan,

Taiwan has many social problems.

One of them,

is juvenile delinquency.

Taiwan has material wealth,

but its youth

are spiritually empty in Taiwan,

Taiwanese teenagers are waiting...

for us to save them.

Right now, Taiwan...

When did she pass away?

So this is our special program.

We will conquer Taiwan!

Our hostesses, Luna, Lumi,

will declare war on Taiwan's
delinquent teens.

I get it.

We will not rest...

until we've weeded out every one
of them!

Delinquent teens in Taiwan!

Take heed!

Your time is up!

We're coming after you!

"Saving Taiwan's Delinquents"

It will be our second anniversary special.

Any questions?

Does Taiwan have tan girls with
platform shoes?

What if we can't find any delinquents?

Taiwan has Oolong tea and
pineapple cake.

It's an agricultural country, right?

Yes, and mangoes are popular too!

So delicious!

Taiwan's not like you think...

We don't want tan, platform shoe girl.

Since it's a special program,

we want something special...

I see...

Hey, dude!

"Knives that chop bones like butter"

Man, why can't we use an axe?

Check this out, great grip, clean slice...


it doesn't feel right.

How come? Look at this...!

Hey, hey!

How does that one feel?

On my god, I'm cuming...

Could this be the "one"?

We've found it! We've finally found it!

I've never been as happy as I am today...

After searching all this time...

we've finally found it!

If you really want it,

I'll give it to you for $1,500!

You've got some balls

reading porn...

in front of the Presidential Office?

I could took you for public indecency.

What's that?

Damn it!

My name is Lin, 17 years old.

Why I am standing here

is because...

I've lost my sense of direction.

Seven days ago,

the only friend in my life

suddenly passed away.

Boss Cheng used to tell me...

everyone in the world

has a purpose in life.

Some like to drag race.

Some rob drugstores.

Some just like to eat.

I am not interested in things like that

but what is my purpose in life?

Where could I go to find it?

Oh, shit...

Mother fucker...

Where did those bastards go?

This car stinks!

You've got to be kidding!

We're riding in this?

We can only afford this.

Why didn't we just do this in Japan?


Why did we have to come to Taiwan?

This sucks!

OK, get to work.

Where's the translator?

I am sorry! I am sorry! I am late!

Let's get going!

Wake him up.


Excuse me, your car is in the way.

Can you let us through?


Asshole! What are you doing?

What are you up to?

Bastard! What's your problem?

You will pay for this!


I'm sorry, it's our mistake!

Everyone back in the car, let's go!

Hurry, Okada, pick up the bumper!

Now that we've found it...

We can take Mary out to the movies.

Pay for our traffic tickets.

And go to Karaoke!

And get tattoos too!

That can wait, let's practice first.


Let's say there is a purse in your hand

and a million bucks inside.

You come up from behind...

Should I first grab her hand?

No, I might end up hacking your arm.

Shouldn't you warn me before
chopping it off?

Man how are we going to do this?

How hard should we chop?

Do we slice it lightly

or chop the whole arm off?

Hmm, let's talk about this for a minute.

First of all,

do we aim at the arm or wrist?


how much did you sell the sword for?

Only $1,500!

And those pricks took it on loan!

Good for nothing!

Selling it may have been a good thing.

The sword's called "Inu-maru".

The 400 year old blade is razor sharp,

and can cut through steel.


I've heard it's cursed...

and whoever holds it

is doomed.

Is that true?

We should chop at the wrist!

Yeah! Chop at the wrist!

Just like this!

Three centimeters above the palm!

Hey dude, I was thinking...

if you cut someone's hand this way,

will it hurt?

I just sliced myself

and it hurt like hell.

If you cut a palm off,

that's got to hurt?

There's nothing we can do about that.

All I know is that

there is a hand out there

waiting to be chopped off by this sword.

It's fate

when this sword was made.

It's fate was already decided.

That's what my dad told me.

From the moment you were born

you were destined

to be punched by this fist.

There's got to be a hand out there

waiting to be hacked off by this sword!

I am really curious

what the hand looks like.

Me too...

OK, from now on,

we will be the Hacking Trio!

The Hacking Trio!


We're so lucky!

I can't stand it anymore!


You are...?

You don't remember me?

I remember you! You are Tam!

We were classmates during
our freshmen year!

You sat behind me.

Long time no see!

You look...

You're thinking why am I like this, right?

It has something to do with you.


Buying condoms, eh?

Dental floss.

Is that so?

Do you have a girlfriend now?

I used to have a crush on you.


I gave you hints

but you never noticed me...

I asked you to go to the movies

but you'd never go.

You treated me like shit.

For two weeks,

I even bought you a tea egg every day

and put it in your desk.

Tea egg?

And not once...

did you say how it tasted.


did you ever like me?


If I asked you to go to the movies now,

would it be too late?

Let's get out of here!

Come on!

Let's go!

I never would've imagined it,

that tea egg

changed my life.

Tea egg!

Now I remember!

It's you!

You were the one!

Stand up!


Good morning teacher!

Good morning students!
Please be seated.

Where's Lin?

What does this mean?

It's Dutch,

meaning "Only the Best".

What about this?

It's Danish,

"The Wettest teens in Europe".

That one's really good.


I know that you are at the top
of your class.

Even if you stop coming to school...

you could get into the top university.

But, you're only 17...

Do you really need so many
porno magazines?

"Hypochondria at the age of 8..."

Do you know what Hypochondria is?

It's a temporarily fixation

where you think you have some disorder.


What was wrong with you?

If you will talk about it...

I am more than willing to listen.

It's my penis...

My genitals...


The size of my penis I have

always felt something was wrong.

Everyone says I am abnormal.

Teacher, do you know how ashamed
I've felt?

I couldn't let anyone know.

I couldn't go swimming

or even take a piss with others.

I have no friends.

The doctor told me

there was little hope for cure.

Lin, trust me,

being small is not a problem.

And just like humans

it will grow bigger.

Size is really not important.

Take my word for it.

I am married.

Small ones have their advantages.

Nothing wrong with being small...

You took it all wrong!

I don't believe you!

It's true!

I gotta see it to believe it!

I used to be a nurse...

I've seen a lot.

Come on, take your pants off,

Let me take a look, be a good boy...

This is why I am so ashamed.

You've been this way all along?

Impossible, how do you get
your pants on?

Oh, I just wrap it up...

and use rubber bands...

Just like this!

But how do you, you... you pee?

No problem at all.

And when I really have to go...

I can hold it this way.

There was this one time

I wanted to commit suicide.

But pornography saved my life.

Pornography, also known as "A" book.

I bought my first "A" book

when I was ten years old.

The motivation was simple:

I just wanted to see what

other's penises looked like

and how they were different from mine.

Auntie, how do I get to Wanhwa?

Wanhwa? At the third red-light ahead

make a right and then...

After suffered from Hypochondria
for 3 years

that was the first time I spoke with
a stranger

just because I wanted to go to Wanhwa

and buy a "A" book.

Sir, do you sell "A" book?

Do you sell "A" book?

"A" book?

Any porn?


From the time I was in the 3rd grade,

from Neihu to Wanhwa

I'd travel 60 kilometers on bike everyday.

I'd just ride and ride...

All of that bike riding...

helping me set a record

for the fastest 100 meter race in school.

I'll never forget

the day I met Boss Cheng.

There are those why say I am worse
than a pig

to sell porn

to a ten years old boy.


when I saw him

I knew he really needed my help.

He really needed my help.

I even thought that

if he hadn't found me then,

if I hadn't let him in,

he may not have lived through the night.

Come on in!

Are you sure you're ready?

My name is Cheng.

You can call me Boss Cheng.
What's your name?


You're young...

and it's your first time

you better start with comics.

I got money.

Don't give me money.

You need anything, just come by.

You have any questions, ask me.


A new world opened before my eyes.

Seven days a week

for five hours a day.

I helped out at the store

organizing shelves, ripping off covers,

taking orders...

Before you know it,

seven years passed by.

Where did this egg come from?

I knew every model in the magazines

and they knew me.

I'd give them everything I could

and they gave me something too.

Something I most needed.

Everywhere I went...

they were with me.

They were never angry with me.

Their smiles never fade...

always so young and vibrant.

Whenever I needed them,
they were there.

They were never too busy.


who needs real women anyway?

Who needs a girlfriend?

At least,

I know I don't!

You're wrong!

You say that

because you don't have purpose in life.

My purpose is in these magazines.

That's my purpose...

Not yours!

My purpose is the same as yours!

No, you can't be like me!

Why not?

Lin, you're still a virgin, right?

If you were to give up your innocence

who would you do it with?

If I could... it could be a housewife.


A housewife...

can give you some special care

like a mother.

Even if I remain a virgin the rest
of my life

I wouldn't care.

I already know

what a climax feels like.

No, you don't have a clue.

Lin, you're absolutely wrong!

Sex without love is not real sex.

A climax without love

is not a real climax.


Basically, orgasm,

or say, climax

can be divided into three categories:

The highest is sex with love.

The second is sex without love.

And the last is masturbation...

the lowliest of them all.

Lin, I think...

what you really need is not
these magazines

but a real live woman.

I need a woman?

There's only one way to find the answer.


when you go home and beat-off,

don't look at any porn,
just close your eyes.

And the woman who appears

will be the one you're looking for.

I can't remember anyone.

There seem to be...

some blurry images...

flash through my head.

I've got to try harder...

Ouch! Muscle spasm...

I couldn't think of anyone.

After seven years

since pornography entered my life...

It is the fist time

I've really felt lonely.

It's also the night

Boss Cheng met his final destiny.

No one really knows

what happened that night.

Everything started

with this crazy cop

chasing three teenagers who were
drag racing...

Bastards! Pull over!

Eat my shit!


To this day, I still don't understand...

how that cop could ride a motorbike...

straight into the bookstore

and hit Boss Cheng?

The newspaper said...

the cop was cracking down
on porn stores.

But, if that was the case

why did he have shit all over him?

That night,

when the cop tried to help Boss Cheng,

Cheng's last words were:

This book's mine.

Several days ago a motorcycle crash...

uncovered one of the biggest

illegal pornography outlets to date.

This morning Taipei City police...

took the 50,000 magazines
they had seized...

Boss, they burned all of your books

and burned them at an incinerator.

Boss, did you hear that?

It wasn't until the doctor said

his heart was clogged

that I knew

the sound

was the sound of Boss Cheng's
heart breaking.

Over the past seven years,

he was my source of wisdom.

When he died,

everything fell apart.


I am Cheng's lawyer.

Your name is included in his will.

My name?

Please sign here...


he'd planned to leave all of his books
to you.

But since they've been burned,


this is all there is left.

I heard you knew Cheng for seven years

and that you helped him out at the store?

So you knew...

all the way...

he was selling pornography?

Shame on you!


Lin, who'd have thought

this would be my last gift to you.

Take this key

to the address

and find the girl in the book.

She'll rid you of all your confusion.

And lastly, when you meet her...

please tell her

I will always love her, Cheng.

Dude, when I was little, I thought

that prison was like serving in the army.

Everyone had to go there for a while.

Why is that?

Because my dad, my brother,

my uncle, my brother in law,
and my cousins,

all went to prison.

Back then, I used to think...

Fuck! I've gotta grow up

and go to prison to see what it's like.

Maybe it's because

they're so ugly?

I've seen your dad and he's butt-ugly!


Dad, from now on it's like this,

if you hit Mom, I'll hit you twice.

I still owe you a slug.

Got you!

You delinquents!

We've got you!

Give up, you shit-heads!

Are you even 18?

Who told you to dye your hair?

No helmets?

Do you have a license?

You make me sick!

You bunch of scum!

Cut! Good, translator.

Explain our program to them.

I am pooped, it's so hot...

We are with a Japanese TV company

producing a show called:

"Saving Taiwan's Street Delinquents"

We need teenagers

who look like delinquents...

Delinquents? Who's the delinquent!

Why us?

Do we look like juvenile delinquents?

You two, stretch out your arms!

Your arms!

Aren't you listening?

You, give me a fingernail clipper.

Look at these hands!

I can't stand girls with long nails!

Cut them all off!

Mother fucker! Look how neat
my fingernails...


Look at that! That's the tattoo I want!

The shirt Yuki bought for me...

How dare you!

I am Alikura of Japan's Sumiyoshi gang!

The assassin's knife "Inu-maru"?!

Where did you get it?

It's so beautiful!

I've never seen such a beautiful tattoo...

You don't look like the type
who'd have a tattoo.

When I was young,

I was with Japan's largest gang

"Sumiyoshi Union".

You used to be a gang member!

One day,

when I was running low on cash
I robbed a girl

Armed robbery!

That girl's name was Yuki Koide.

After we married she's called
Yuki Alikura.

She married you? Became your wife?

It's not him?

Take another look, it's him, isn't it?

Afterwards, I asked her why
she didn't identify me.

She said,

Ken, when I first saw you,

a magical tune

appeared in my head.

The melody is so beautiful.

I thought, if you

could make me hear such
a beautiful thing

there was still hope for you.

I was willing to give you
a second chance.

That's why

I was so touched. I asked her

if I get out of the gang,

would she be willing to date me?

A year later, we got married.

Here, let me sew it!

My best grades were in
home economics.

Yuki gave me this shirt.

I'll sew it myself.

Next time we go to your place

you'll have to let us meet your wife.

Your finger!

Wolong Street, Lane 248,
Alley 33, No. 2-1.

No. 1, 2, 3?

What's going on?

Where is No. 2-1?

You looking for No. 2-1?

Finally, someone looking for No. 2-1!

No one has been there before?

No letters?

For years I've wondered

why is there a door there?

Who would come and open it?

And where does it lead to?

Aren't you coming?

Good luck!

Who are you? What are you doing here?

When did you build this secret passage?

What do you want?

Where did you get this?

I... Boss Cheng gave it to me.

Boss Cheng?

Which Boss Cheng? Tell me?

The book store owner.

Book store?

Cheng Tie-nan?

You're lying!

Cheng would never do anything like that!

It's true!

You pervert!

Who are you calling?

If you're calling Boss Cheng

no one is going to answer.


Registered mail for Miss Wang.

Sign here please!


Wang, Lin is my only true friend.

His confusion exists

because he doesn't know

what he wants in life.

Please do me a favor,

help him understand the fire
of a woman's love

and the tenderness of
being embarrassed

is the most wonderful thing on earth.

Though my time is up

and couldn't experience this any more.

Help him understand.

Forever yours, Cheng.

Cheng says you were his only friend.

Boss Cheng is also my only friend.

When this was printed,

54,000 copies were made.

Cheng destroyed 53,999 of the copies.

This is the only copy left in the world.

Cheng grew up with me.

He was like a brother.

After high school

we lost touch.

The next time I saw him

I was already married.

I always worried

my pictures were in that nasty magazine.

Nasty? Why?

Because my husband is
an self-righteous policeman.

If he ever found out I posed for
the porno...

what would I do?

Once Cheng knew...

he opened the book store

and began recovering every one
of the books.

He even bought this house for me.

I knew he liked me.

But, strangely,

he never asked anything of me.

It wasn't until I saw this letter

that I realized he was impotent.

All he could do is watch...

My husband knows nothing.

These past few years have been
so wonderful.

It's just that I live in the shadow
of my past.

I feel like...

I am not worthy to live such a good life

because I posed for the porno.

No, don't say that!

Don't you know how many young men,

night after night,

have overcome their loneliness?!

How many boys,

have found comfort in these images?!

You must know that!

You're already a man.

Do you have a girlfriend?

You do. You just can't remember
who she is.

Just like Cheng used to be.

Whoever appears in your mind...

That's the one you need.

Lin, I really like you.

Do you know that?

Boss Cheng, I remember!

I'll never be lost again.

I finally know what I want.

I wish I could turn back time.

I wish I could find her

and tell her,
"The tea egg was so delicious."

Just a minute!

Damn! Isn't that cool!

Whenever he wants to take a shit

he takes a shit!

Absolutely amazing!

How was he trained?

His mom's a nurse.

Mom, please don't, Mom!

Skipping class! Don't want to go
to school!

You think school is painful?

Having an enema is real pain!

Don't go to the bathroom for 15 minutes.

If anything slips out

you'll have to start again!

Dude, your order is ready.


Here he comes!

Can you repeat the incident again?

Where should I begin?

Let's start from when your tofu jello
was ready for your business.

That day, after I'd cooked my tofu jello

I was pushing the cart across the street,

Hey, Mr. Cop!

Don't you have anything better to do?

Get some good marks for
your latest bust?

You should've given us a few
porno magazines!

Then the policeman yelled.

If you've got balls, not to use your brakes.

We'll see what you're made of!

If you've got balls, not to use your brakes.

We'll see what you're made of!

My brakes are out!

Bring it on!

Now let's see who's chicken shit!

All of a sudden,

something really strange happened.

I could watch every movement
in the alley.

I saw everything clearly

like time had stopped.

Dude! Let's go!

To be honest,

after that incident

my outlook on life was different.

How different?

That life is just like tofu jello.

You've got to eat it while it's still hot!

Lin, I really like you.

Don't you know?

Who needs real women anyway?

Who needs a girlfriend?

I know, I don't.

That day my heart broke.

No one knows...

How fragile a young girl's heart is.

Hey! You two bitches!

What's your problem?

Look at those clothes?

What are you trying to be?

And the hair?

Those duckweed shoes?

You call that style, think you're cool?

Shit! What I hate the most are girls
who try to look like hooligans.

Go home and find yourself a big dick!



Isn't that a bit too small?

Come on! Come on!

This stick is waiting for you!

Tell you what,

one thing I hate the most is big dick.

You won't believe this.

The Tomato Brothers wrote back!

Really? They wrote!


women are tender and fragile.

They are something you cuddle up
for sleep.

No matter how ferocious some
women are

if they don't have a dick, they're not men.


how come you like the Tomato Brothers
so much?

That's a secret...

Dearest Tam, it's Big Tomato,

Thank you so much for writing...

Hey, Dude,

Our agent says we should read
this letter.

Dear Tomato Brothers,

My name is Tam.

I am 17 years old

and live in Taipei.

You may not believe this

but just an hour ago,

I didn't want to live anymore.

My grades are terrible.

I don't have any friends

and I am a teenage punk.

My parents have given up on me.

My teachers resent me.

It's hopeless, I have no future.

But these are not really that important.

They don't matter that much.

The thing that hurts the most

is the person I like the most

doesn't need me at all.

But I don't want to leave the world
this way.

Even though I know

I'll never be the same again.

Not like I used to be.

I could never go back to good old days.

Now, going to Japan to see
your concert

is the only thing that keeps me going.

I hope that when I reach Fuji Mountain

I can hear you singing

my favorite song...

Tam, no matter what happens,

no matter how difficult things are,

you've go to hold on.

It'll be OK.

Things will get better.

I understand how you feel.

It's like your heart has been ripped out.

Next month,

we hope to see you at Fuji Mountain.

I am expecting your presence.

Consider this a date.

Please show up.

We will be waiting for you.

See you there.

We need money.


You are...?

Don't you remember you?

Do you have a girlfriend now?

You know, I used to have a crush on you...

Hey! Let's go.

Lin, did you ever like me?

Damn, chicks robber?

And I am being robbed?

Let go of me! Bastard!

Tam, if I asked you to go
to the movies now,

would it be too late?

Get lost!

Come on! Let's go!


We only have enough for one ticket.

Then you go by yourself.

Anyway, you like them more than I do

and I hate boy bands.

Do you think I would just leave you
behind in Taiwan?

You think I would leave the only person

that cares for me behind?

We've got the photos of those two

who robbed the stores.

All units report back to the station.

We've got the photos of those two

who robbed the stores.

All units report back...

What are we going to do?

We haven't saved a single
delinquent yet!

No one!

If we can't find any,

we should fly in some delinquents
from Japan?

Well, I'd heard troubled teens
were everywhere.

Where are they hiding?

All this shooting and nothing
but old ladies.

Who wanted us to come to Taiwan?


Ken, I've prepared your favorite

fried pork-chop, for the very last time.

Ken, I've never asked you this...

but when you have the time,

I'd like to go traveling.

I'd love to go to Taiwan's
CKS Memorial Hall

and watch the old ladies dance.

Now it is too late.

I wish I could make another lunch for you

and go to Taiwan with you.

But I can't!

I am sorry!

Forgive me.

Do your best every day.

Your loving wife. Yuki.

- OK? -No problem.


Are you Japanese?

Here, let me help you.

- Thank you! -You're welcome.

A pack of Peace cigarettes.

Luna, Lumi! Get your nets!

Camera crew, get your gear!

Get over here, quickly!
I've found someone!


Don't run away you two!

We've got you!

You two punks!

We've got them, we've got them!

Great! Ya! Go Go!

What's going on?

Sorry, don't be alarmed.

We are with a Japanese TV program

of Taiwan's teenage on the streets.

It's me! Peace cigarettes...

When I saw Tam

I started hearing music in my head

just like my wife Yuki said.

When she saw me

she heard music.

Much better.

I know this is difficult

but please believe me.

You can change your life...

But please believe me.

You can change your life...

Give us a chance.

And give yourselves a chance.

Give us a chance.

And give yourselves a chance.

Please, let me help you!


Don't make such a commotion here!

Is that van in the no-parking zone yours?

Is it?

Move it immediately!


I owe NT$3,900.

Boss's NT$2,450...

and Skinny owes NT$3,100...

and then there's the sword, NT$1,500.



We owe NT$11,950.

How much do we have now?


Let's go.

It's still a red light...

Fuck the red light! Let's go!

Hello, everybody!


The moment has finally come!

Is there still hope

for us to rescue anyone?

The answer is right behind these doors!

Do you want to check it out?


OK, let's welcome our reformed stars!


How cute!

She is so lovely!

Is she OK?



Man, what a bunch of idiots.

Mission accomplished!

Boss! There you are!

We're finally done.

Now we can go and have some fun!

Why does that smell so bad?

It's rotten!

How many days has it been?

About 10 days.

10 days! Don't eat it, it stinks!

Boss, you're crazy!

Let go!

You're crazy! Stop!

Stop eating it!

Let go!

To you it may be spoiled

but to me it's delicious.

This was the last lunch box

that my wife made for me.

In it is all of her love.

Leave me alone so I can eat it
bite by bite.

Go find Okada to help us stop him!

When the sun comes out, the snow
will melt...

Yuki... I wish we could talk...

It's too late.

It's already too late.

Forgive me! Yuki...

Sis, is there someone you like?

I see.

I am going that way, so...

You'll go to school, won't you?


Man, another red light!

When will we ever found that hand?

Hey, it's the hand!

Here this is NT$11,950.

You take it.

I don't like the Tomato Brothers anyway.


It's the hand with money!

Finally we've found it! This is it!

See you later.

Hey, you look great!

This is a sword, you know that?

How much money you got on you?


Damn, this is awesome?

Take it, if you want it.

Good, then we don't have to cut off
your hand.

The shit that hit my face this morning...

Did you do that?

Drop that sword...

Hey, where are you going?

First you drag race,

then you throw shit and now this...

Armed robbery!

Armed robbery!

Dude, I've got him!

Three centimeters above the wrist!

Dude! It's the hand!


You still haven't answered me...

Do you want to go to a movie with me?

You're home? What's wrong?

Are you all right?


I missed you all day long.

I used to think I could never
love someone.

Someone who was flesh and blood.

I am so glad I was wrong.

I've finally found you.

Yes, you finally found me.

I once read an article which said

that a man's climax...

on average lasts for about 10 seconds.

And that Tibetan lamas

can extend that time to 60 minutes.

But that's only an hour.

Now, I've found a way

to keep that climax with me all the time.

All I need to do is sit by her side

and hold her hand

and I...

This time I am really going
to toss it away.


There's no turning back...


Wait, Dude...

let me hold it just once more?

Me too, let me touch it one more time!


Nooo! Don't do it!