Ayahuasca and the Path of the Shaman (2018) - full transcript

[Lori]
Ayahuasca's just the doorway.

[Dave] Ayahuasca is a tool.

A healer who wants
to use Ayahuasca

can do wonderful things with it.

[Gabor]
Ayahuasca has got the power

to open up areas inside us
that otherwise are inaccessible.

[Lori] Basically, it's
a combination of two plants.

There's the Ayahuasca vine
itself,

and there's another plant
called Chacruna.

When you bring
these two plants together,

the spirit of Ayahuasca
can come in,



and it's my belief
that the spirit

wants to help people.

[Dave] It's been talked about
a thousand times before

is how did
the indigenous people know

how to combine these two plants.

It's not a far stretch
for indigenous people

to communicate with nature.

[Libby] I've lived my entire
adult life on antidepressants

and I couldn't live
in that state for another hour.

[Lisa] I did a line of heroin.

It was, like, this is the way
that life is supposed to feel.

This is
what I've been looking for

since I was a little kid.

[Shannan] I was depressed.



I always had suicidal thoughts.

I just knew
that I had to get out

of that head space.

[Dave] Our society is sick.
Our society is depressed.

And mass parts of the population
have huge traumas.

[icaro music playing]

[narrator]
Wikipedia defines Ayahuasca

as a brew made from two plants,
Chacruna and the Ayahuasca vine.

It is used as a traditional
spiritual medicine

in ceremonies
among indigenous people

along the Amazon river basin,

but it is currently making
its way out of the jungle

and into communities
around North America.

In the 16th century,
missionaries first encountered

South Americans
using Ayahuasca in ceremonies.

They described it
as the work of the devil.

Currently,
Ayahuasca is classified

as a schedule one drug.

It is in the same class
as heroin or cocaine

and is considered
to be highly addictive

while containing
no medicinal benefits.

[Lori] I had an injury
to my spine.

So, I had three discs
that were bulging

and one to the point
that it had displaced

all the nerve roots
and was beginning to leak.

It was really incredibly,
difficult to walk.

I spent about eight months

not really doing much more
than lying around.

And so I went to this ceremony.

I, you know, didn't really have
much of an idea

of what was gonna happen,
but there was some part of me

intrinsically that just knew
that this was--

that this
was gonna be helpful for me.

And so, I sat that night

and it changed the way
I looked at myself,

my relationship to what was
happening to me in the world.

It changed my relationship
to how I related to the world.

It changed my relationship

with how I perceived
how the world related to me.

It changed my relationship
with... everything.

And that was
the first step in, like,

turning things around for me.

[Adele] As soon
as I drank the medicine,

I was really excited.

And I was told that I was God.

And I freaked out.

I thought, "No way.
That can't be true.

I do not want that to be true."

And it kept showing me,
"You're God."

And I thought there's no way.

So many people hate me,
you know, if I'm God.

And they're gonna wanna blame me
when things go poorly.

And then finally I relented

when I realized
there was no turning back.

And I went on this journey
of being God.

Until I was shown...

a collection of dead bodies.

And I was told, "You did that."

And I thought, "Oh, my gosh,
I would never do that."

And then Ayahuasca said to me,

"Exactly. You're not God.

Stop pretending like you are.

Stop telling yourself you are.

Stop making it your fault

when other people
in your life are suffering."

And so it was just
like an immediate release

of this sense of responsibility
for the pain those around me.

I'm not God.

It's not my fault
they're suffering.

And I'm not the only person

who's responsible
for helping them.

[Mauro] I think it was
my fifth time drinking

that I had a really
big, big experience.

And I said, "No way.

I'm not drinking Ayahuasca
ever again. I'm done."

A lot of healing happened,
but it was more the process

that I had to go through
afterwards

that I really struggled with.

And the only message
that I kept on getting was,

"If you wanna know
what happened,

you need to come back
and drink."

It was about me
learning about myself

and relationship
to my environment

and the process that I needed
to go through to-- to heal.

And continue healing.

I would like to say
that the medicine has...

revolutionized
the way I lived and--

But it's not as easy as that.

It's not a panacea.

What it has done is
it's given me moments

where I busted
through something inside myself.

And on the other side of it,
there was something connected,

which is the opposite
of how I live most of my life.

I haven't undone all of that.
That's gonna take more work.

But every time I do Ayahuasca,

I'm reminded that that's just

a set of things
that I'm attached to,

and that if I'm willing
to show up and open myself,

healing is not only possible,
but its guaranteed.

I know I'm gonna go
back to my life

and I'm gonna repeat
some of the old patterns,

but I think
I'm gonna repeat them less.

As soon
as I drank the Ayahuasca,

a voice came to me and said,

"Whatever you see tonight,

go into your heart."

The heart,
it's the spot of loving,

and acceptance, and trust,

and mothering and nurturing.

And if you can stay there

when you're dealing
with all your daily affairs,

it's nothing but a loving,
nurturing world.

It's when you drop that
and you go up to here,

where most of us
westerners stay,

where all kinds of fear
gets manufactured.

And Ayahuasca said,
"Get out of the head,

get down into the heart."

[Matt] Ayahuasca will tell you,
"Here's the answer."

It made a big difference
just in how I see the world

and how I see
who I am in the world

and who I am
in relationships with others.

It gave me an understanding
of why behavior

that I don't like in myself
is manifesting itself.

Ayahuasca is the medicine,
and the surgeon is Dave,

and you put the two of them
together and it was just bam.

[narrator] Traditionally,
an Ayahuasca ceremony

is led by a shaman,
a guide for the participant

on their journey
with this plant.

I think it should be said first
that for me the word "shaman"

is someone who has been
practicing for 30 or 40 years.

A priest to their people.

Someone who has really mastered

the art of walking both worlds,

the spiritual world
and this world.

Thirteen or fourteen years
into this practice,

I'm by no means a master
in this work.

I don't bring rain
for my people,

so it's hard to call myself
a shaman.

Vegetalista is
probably the most accurate,

just people
don't know what it means.

[narrator] Dave apprenticed
with a Shipibo master

for 15 years in a small village
in the Peruvian jungle.

The work that I do is going
into the spiritual world

and communicating with spirits.

[narrator]
During an Ayahuasca ceremony,

the shaman enters
the spirit world

and works to move energies
that are creating

sickness, imbalance,
and disharmony.

In 2001, Dave travelled to Peru
in search of his own healing.

I got in a bad car accident,
went into a major depression,

and then my doctor
put me on antidepressants.

I took one pill

and the next morning,
I woke up, I said,

"Whoa, this is not my path."

And I went to Peru.

Travelled around Peru
for three weeks.

Never heard
anything about Ayahuasca.

And then I met this guy
who said,

"I drank Ayahuasca.

Whatever you do,
don't ever do it.

I cried in the corner,
and I puked,

and I fought for my life."

And I said,
"Tell me where to go.

I need to do this."

From that moment on, I was like

a laser-guided missile
to find Ayahuasca.

[birds chirping]

[owl screeching]

[birds chirping]

I'll bet that-- I'll bet you we
have a hundred dollars

of food bill a month
on these horses.

Carrots and apples.
Don't we, little guys?

-You get good treats.
-You're lucky horses.

Oh, oh. Tsk, tsk.

[Linda]
He was due January 12th,

but he came six weeks early,

in a big rush.

And he was pretty tiny.

I mean, when he came home,

he was just
like a little skeleton.

Then when he was
about a year old,

he started to show

that what he wanted
was what he wanted,

and if he didn't get it,

he would have a fit.

[Dave]
I grew up in middle-class

Pitt Meadows-Maple Ridge.

My dad was a lawyer,

and my mom was kind

of stay-at-home
with me for a while.

I have one older brother,
one older sister.

Very, you know, run-of-the-mill
kind of suburban family.

And I was very involved
in athletics, sports.

Soccer from the age of three
because my parents are British.

[Linda] I remember one time
he didn't wanna come in

and he just flung himself
on the pavement,

and was screaming.

And my neighbor was out,
and she said to me afterwards,

"Why didn't you
just give him a smack?"

And I remember saying,
"If I ever smacked him,

I don't think
I might be able to stop."

[Linda chuckling]
So, I never smacked him.

Like any parents, they had
their own thing going on.

My dad was very busy at work,

you know, he had
a lot of responsibility.

And you know, there was times
I didn't see my dad a whole lot.

You know, he worked
from morning till late evening

and then he came home
and worked more.

You know, we weren't
religious in any way.

My dad used to make us go
to Sunday school,

but you know,
that didn't last long,

so we weren't, you know,
a spiritual family.

[Linda] They went
to Sunday school. That was it.

And as soon
as they could get out of it,

they didn't go anymore.

[Dave] You know, at that point

I was interested in medicine.

Either become a doctor

or something along those lines.

I guess it was some part of me

that just wanted to help people.

And, you know,
in our kind of family,

and especially in our town,
doctors were gods.

I didn't even know anything

about energetic work
or shamanism.

It wasn't even part of my scope.

[Dave chuckles]

You know, I don't think
anyone in my town

of 5000 people in Pitt Meadows

would've heard the word
of "Ayahuasca" at that point.

I kind of went around the world,
you know, Africa, Asia.

Like I was, like, obsessed.

I had to see the world,
you know.

And I think in a lot of ways
that was the beginning

of my apprenticeship in a way.

I was, like, almost obsessed
with studying religion.

So I read parts
of the Torah, the Koran,

and studied the Bible.

I mean, I wasn't religious,
but I was just fascinated

with people's belief
of spirituality,

and then on top of that,

how people
kill each other over it.

So I just wanted
to understand people.

I think, at that point,
I was starting

to understand my own beliefs.

I did believe there was
something higher than me,

I don't think I had
a name for it at that point.

After I came back from that,
I mean, it was amazing.

I'd just seen a huge part
of the world,

but I was full depression.

[Linda] He came back
and he wasn't well.

And this is where it all
kind of started.

He went to the doctors.
He went to specialists.

And they'd all want to put him
on pills or whatever,

and then that's when he got

into looking
at the Chinese Medicine.

[Dave] I didn't leave my house
for six months.

All my friends
were buying homes,

and cars, and refrigerators.

And I had just saw the world
and all this poverty

and all these people
that were happy,

but impoverished.

And then you come home,

and people are on an hourly wage

and they just wanna make money
to buy a new car, a new Camaro.

What is the point of all this?

I'm gonna go
to my buddy's house and go--

go ride in his Camaro?

Like, I didn't like

the way our culture was living.

You know, I think
the higher part of myself

knew that this is what I needed.

I needed some kind of catalyst
in my life that changed

my whole perspective on how life
is supposed to be lived.

Coming from middle class Canada,
this stuff wasn't talked about.

But I knew in my heart
I was here

for something else
other than that.

And also, I just knew I needed
something to shake off

the depression that would
come in and out of my life.

[fireworks whistling
and bursting]

[Dave] The New Year's
millennium, I was, like,

at home in my bed.

And then I went to the doctor,

the doctor prescribed me
antidepressants.

I took one pill,
woke up the next morning,

threw the bottle away.

And that's when
my healing journey started.

Once I started
studying Chinese medicine,

I started to understand

that Chinese medicine
has its strengths.

I also saw that the way
it's being taught now

is that a lot of the spirit
or magic was taken out of it.

So that's when I started reading
about shamans in the Amazon

that use
the natural world to heal.

[icaro music playing]

I was on this surfing beach up
in Northern Peru called Máncora

and I met this guy
and I told him

about my wish
to drink Ayahuasca.

And he said,
"I know where to go.

It's a twenty-six-hour bus ride
over the Andes,

down in the jungle,
in a place called Tarapoto."

Next day, booked my ticket,
went there

and I drank Ayahuasca
for my first time.

Can you put my shoe back on?

Being married to Dave,
yeah, it's--

It's a--

It's a challenge.

It's not like I married
an accountant, you know?

I support him 100% 'cause I know

it's his calling
and his passion.

And he's very good
at what he does.

But when people ask me,
"How do you do it?"

And sometimes I don't know.

I honestly, I don't know.
'Cause it's crazy.

People like to romanticize
the world of the shaman,

you know, a Hollywood shaman,
and put him on a pedestal.

In traditional way of life,

the family would do anything
in their power

for them not to be shamans
because it was a lonely life.

And if you didn't do your job,
the village suffered.

So it wasn't the job
that people wanted.

If someone wanted
to do this work,

he would say, "No."

It's not conducive
to a normal life.

[Dave]
As a facilitator in this work,

you're just a garbage man.

You're like the cosmic janitor.

You know,
you're just going in there

and you're just cleaning up
all the shit.

It's challenging.

We have two kids
who want their daddy

and, you know, when he's away,
they miss him, and--

Yeah, there's not a lot
of people that go down this path

that continue to walk it,
but it helped me,

so it was only natural for me
to wanna help people.

I try to just keep
the home fires burning

so he can go out there
and do what he does,

but yeah, it's a lot of times,

yeah, I kind of feel
like single mommy.

I had no knowledge
of any other ceremonies going on

when I first started
doing the work.

[Lori] At the time, I think we
were some of the only people

in Canada working
with these plants.

I didn't hear about other groups
and circles and things.

When I first came
into this work,

you know, here was Dave,
who'd been down to Peru

and done a handful
of ceremonies and then suddenly

was like, organizing everything

and being the helper
in the ceremony.

[Dave] Lori and I have had
a steady relationship

for 15 years.

Once I started to develop
my own practice

and started to lead ceremonies,

she was the one
that was by my side

and she was also starting
to train herself.

So we worked
very closely together

for the last 14, 15 years.

I never really had any idea

that I was gonna work
with these plants.

There was a traditional diet
with some master plants.

And it was
like a seven-day isolation

in your tent in the woods.

And at the beginning
of that process,

I couldn't move my head forward
more than an inch or two

and then at the end,
I could touch my toes.

And I knew,
there's something here for me.

I'm gonna give
everything I can to--

to really be open
to whatever that is.

And I could see how much growth
was happening in the people

who were participating
in the ceremonies

and I just wanted to, like, be

some kind of support
to help them

do that in a good way.

[plane roaring]

[Dave] Well, when I came back
from Peru, I was--

I mean, I was excited
about the medicine.

I thought it was a
life-changing experience for me.

And I knew Ayahuasca was gonna
be a part of my life forever,

you know, in the role
of being a participant

and going to ceremony
and receiving doctoring.

I didn't even know
it was possible

for a middle class,
white guy to apprentice.

It wasn't even
in my consciousness.

I remember I asked him,
you know, are you apprenticing?

And he was like,
"Are you kidding me?"

I don't want anything
to do with that."

He really said that.

[Dave] I was very excited
to bring the medicine

and share it with people,
and that was basically

what I thought my role would be,

would just be
organize ceremonies.

There was a group
of about 12 of us.

Just good friends
that he had put together.

And he just really wanted
the people close to him

and that he really loved
to experience it as well.

[Dave] The first person I
drank with was an apprentice,

and I brought him up to Canada.

He'd been apprenticing
probably six or seven years.

And I started to work with him

over the course
of, probably, a year and a half

drinking quite regularly.

But I had no idea
that it was going to be

an apprenticeship of any sort.

That didn't come
for a good year after.

I organized
two ceremonies of 15 people.

Each of those 15 people
told five people.

So we did
another two ceremonies.

And then those people
told another five people

and we did
another five ceremonies.

And it exploded.

[icaro music playing]

And then I just started
listening to his chanting.

And all of a sudden,
I could pick up

what he was saying,
so I started singing along.

Next step was like,
"Why don't you come down to Peru

and meet his teacher?"

[icaro music playing]

[Dave] But I got stuck.

I was, like, "Do I really
wanna go that path?"

You know, I started to read
about some of the darker parts

of the work, the witchcraft,

the stuff that, in our culture,
we're not really familiar with.

And I was like, "Really,
do I wanna go that route?"

But I also just noticed that
as my fear,

and it was really clear to me
that this was gonna be my path.

And then it
just exploded in terms

of the dedication
that I had to put into it.

I was taking groups of people
down to Peru four times a year.

And then staying on my own
in doing isolation

for, you know, weeks
afterwards to do my own work.

And then going back and forth.

[plane roaring]

[Dave] So, when people ask me
to come to apprentice, I'm open.

But I'm realistic to know
that out of ten people

that are gonna ask me,
one or two are gonna make it.

So I tell people
to just continue on with diets.

[narrator] A diet,
traditionally called a dieta,

is a ceremony where
the participant goes into nature

and ingests a master plant.

These plants bring knowledge
and medicine to the vegetalista.

The medicine only comes
through years of dieting,

years of working
with other plants

to get the knowledge
of those plants.

And the chants
that have the most power

are the ones
that are given to you

by the plants or by nature.

I have to see the whole picture
in the person

and then I just wait
for that moment

where a dream comes,

or whether that knowing
inside that person

is ready to actually take it on.

And it's not two or three years.
It's ten years.

This is a serious field of work.

It's about truly,
truly, learning

the medicine of the plants
and nature to help people.

You have
to sacrifice a way of life,

you know, with the diets.

No sex. No salt.
No sugar. No alcohol.

And if people get one thing
from watching this film

is that this is not
something to take lightly.

[icaro music playing]

[Dave] I have two apprentices
right now.

The main apprentice
I have is Mauro.

[icaro music playing]

In 2006, I came to the medicine
for the first time.

I had no clue what Ayahuasca was
and what the medicine entailed.

I've always been fascinated
with healing,

you know, I'm a practitioner
of traditional Chinese medicine

for the last 20 years,

so I drank for the first time

and I was totally blown
wide open.

[icaro music playing]

[Dave] I met Mauro
ten years ago, I think.

He came to a ceremony
I was assisting at.

He had a couple
of big experiences

at the beginning and I
didn't see him for a few years.

[Mauro] I had no clue
what apprenticeship was,

what it meant to be
a practitioner or what it takes.

And just started out
me sitting beside him,

getting the people,

bringing the people
to the washroom,

heat up the drum,
get the medicine.

We'd go out on the dietas.

That's where the learning came.

[blowing]

This plant here
is called ajo sacha.

We use this plant for,
you know, stomach problems,

any kind of intestinal problems.

We use it for headaches.

Anything that we take,
anything from nature,

we always offer up
a prayer to the plant,

give thanks for allowing us
to harvest the medicine

in a good way
and use it in a good way.

So, before I pick it, I'm
just going to pray to it and--

and offer some tobacco.

When taking
elements from nature,

we use tobacco as our currency.

[Lori]
In the practice of vegetalismo,

Ayahuasca is just the doorway.

You can access the worlds
of all of the different plants

through the ingestion
of Ayahuasca.

Basically, it's
a combination of two plants.

There's the Ayahuasca
vine itself

and there's another plant
called Chacruna.

When you bring
these two plants together,

the spirit of Ayahuasca
can come in.

And it's my belief
that this spirit

wants to help people.

They say that the knowledge

actually comes
from the vine itself,

and the vision aspect
of the medicine

comes from the Chacruna,
the leafy plant.

They make layers
with the Ayahuasca vine

and then a layer of Chacruna,

and the Ayahuasca vine
in a really big pot.

And they fill it with water
and it gets cooked down.

It's quite condensed.

And really, it's just a very
strong tea of these two plants.

[Dave] It's been talked about
a thousand times before,

is how did
the indigenous people know

how to combine these two plants.

It's not a far stretch

for indigenous people
to communicate with nature.

It's a far stretch for us,

'cause we live
in our little boxes

and drive around
in little cars on four wheels,

but when you live
for 24 hours a day,

for generation after generation
with plants and animals

and trees around you, eventually
you're gonna understand

that they have spirit
and they're gonna talk to you.

[Lori] The people who came in
to work with these plants

for the very first time,
that's how they did it.

They developed a capacity
to listen to the natural world

and really understand it
to the point

that they actually got to hear
these plants speaking to them,

explaining to them,
how to work with them.

It seems so farfetched
for many of us

in the cultural world
that we live in

which is disconnected, you know?

To most of the world,
that's just a given

'cause that's just what they do.
They don't even think about it.

It's not something that they

make an effort
to connect with nature.

They're just a part of it,
and we're a part of it too.

We just lost touch with that.

And it's something that,
hopefully, we'll get back to.

[icaro music playing]

[Dave] When you open up
the spiritual world,

all energy
is capable of coming in.

Each person's trauma
is gonna come up.

Each person's
spiritual connection

is gonna come up.

So you have to be aware
of the space.

The land
that you're drinking on,

who you're drinking with.

We have to use protection.

[icaro music playing]

[Lori] Sage is a great plant
for clearing out

any energy that is
not for the highest good

of whatever situation
that you're in.

It's an incredibly strong,
clearing, cleaning plant.

The songs have its own defense
to protect each person.

Perfumes.

[Lori] Whether its rose water,

or whether its Agua Florida

or whatever, you're putting it--

the energy of your prayer

and your chant into that
to either--

Let's just clear this up
right now and, like,

put some protection
or just let's just change

this person's energetic field
a little bit right now.

[Dave] Tobacco.

[Lori]
Tobacco is an incredible plant.

I mean, all the indigenous
cultures of the world

that I'm aware of, all revere
tobacco as a sacred plant.

If you work with these plants
in a way that is prayerful

and with intent,
tobacco can do a lot of things.

And you know, we work a lot
with tobacco in the ceremonies

to help move something
that's just not moving.

[Dave]
Tobacco is a great cleaner.

We use Mapacho from the Amazon,

but it doesn't have
to be Mapacho.

Mapacho is very strong.
That's why we use it.

I didn't like tobacco
when I first started.

I had a really
negative association with it

from my childhood.

Both my parents
smoked cigarettes,

so that's the association
that I had with it.

And then I started to work

and then I started
to see the impact of tobacco,

the job that it does for you.

It does any job
that you ask it to do.

Tobacco's like the vehicle
carrying the charge

or the chant that you just did
and it's a very powerful ally,

a powerful teacher.

It helps me get prepared

for the work
I'm about to do on someone.

An intuition about the approach
I need to take on the person.

It gives me a feeling
of how the night's going to be.

It just opens up
that connection.

I don't know
if it's possible to do

an Ayahuasca ceremony
without tobacco.

You'd be missing

a very important part
of the ceremony.

You know, I think when
it's used in a respectful way,

an intentful way,
and a prayerful way,

then it carries the medicine.

But even said,

you gotta be careful
because people still misuse it.

[puffing]

You don't wanna misuse
any plant.

[owl screeching]

[mysterious music plays]

[Dave] This work is big work.

I encourage everyone
to come to Ayahuasca

with a lot of humility
and a lot of respect.

Really, to come
from a place in your heart

with the mindset
of wanting to learn.

It's gonna test you.

It's gonna take you

to places inside of yourself

that maybe don't feel
comfortable, are painful.

This is what the plants do.

The plants take us there

for us to become
conscious of it,

to learn from it
and transform it,

bring light onto the shadow.

You have already asked,
consciously or unconsciously

for healing, so how
that healing comes to you

is not up for you to decide.

It's up to spirit.
It's up to Ayahuasca.

It's up to Creator.

Sometimes we get into resistance
when we ask for healing,

and the Ayahuasca takes us
to that exact core issue

that we're going--
we need to transform,

and it's very painful.

We don't like the feeling.

We wanna move away from it.

We wanna distract ourselves

and we do that in our life.

So the more you're
in the present moment tonight,

the more you're gonna receive
from the medicine.

The mind has
a very difficult time

being in the present moment.

It's going
to constantly tell you

a bunch of stories
that are not true.

It's gonna get you
to tried to fidget

and move away
from the present moment.

I'm here to work.

I'm here to take you
into those places

that-- that need
to be looked at.

The first two ceremonies
were like a ceremony

of my best friends.

[Dave chuckles]

But my friends
were also interested

in looking at their stuff
and doing the inner work

so that we started
drinking together regularly.

[Rosie] To be honest,
there was ambivalence,

'cause I really had no idea
what to expect.

Which was probably a good thing.

[man] And so how was
your first experience?

Horrible. Absolutely horrible.

It put all my fears right
in my face,

and my neurosis
and everything was right there.

And after it was finished,
everyone else was talking,

and I was still so deep
in my stuff

that I was just like, "I need
serious counselling after this."

So the next night,
I went and it was amazing.

It was beautiful. I really got
some deep, yeah, insights,

and it was
a different experience.

Kind of a pealing of an onion,
and then I was very grateful.

I understood it more.

[Lori]
There was a lot of enthusiasm

about the medicine,

a lot of people having
transformative experiences

and a lot of hope
and inspiration and ideas

and this whole brainstorming
of vision started to happen.

Yeah, it was
a very powerful time, I think.

I mean, I was young,
I was 25 years old

and we were facilitating
ceremonies for the people,

but also, we were
doing smaller nights,

just a core group of us,
working deep,

getting really deep
into our process,

but also into our connection
with each other.

[Lori]
There was so much excitement

and wonderment
in this community of people.

We had a group of--

There was about 14 of us
that really, like,

were trying to create this bus
to drive or something.

[icaro music playing]

And then, sort of,
more and more people

getting exposure
to these plants,

and what does that mean,
and how can we do this work

and then more and more people
doing different kinds of work

with these plants and, you know,
people work with the plants

in a lot of different ways.

Fractures started to happen.

Differences of opinion.

Egos. Power. Control.

All of that started to happen.

You know, the group got split.

And, you know,
it was a tough time

to have such a strong bond
with each other

and then to all separate.

We all went different ways,

and it wasn't a bad thing
in the end.

I think it was
a good thing, for sure.

Yeah, no one really knew what
we were in store for, I think.

[Dave] Ayahuasca is misused
throughout the world.

You know, it's not
all unicorns and butterflies.

Ayahuasca is difficult work.

We were all very naive
about the work in a certain way,

in that there was nothing--
nothing bad could come of this.

When we started
to sort of see other sides

and other pieces to the work,

it was very shocking
and eye-opening for a lot of us.

[Dave] When people ask me
about going to Peru,

there's a very,
very short list of people

I would recommend,
because everyone and their dog

can pour Ayahuasca for someone
and claim to be a Shaman,

but very few people can actually
walk into the spirit world

and bring people back safely.

In any kind of field of study,
there's the good and the bad,

and you're gonna find that
with Ayahuasca.

[Lori] The first experiences
with Ayahuasca

are kind of like
a love affair in a way.

Everything is so wonderful
and great,

and then when all the realities
of other pieces of it

start to come in,
you know, the only way

to not be disillusioned is
to go in with an awareness

that that will happen
at some point.

I'm suggesting that, you know,
if people are gonna

come into this work
and be all enthusiastic

about doing this work to,
like, take one step at a time

and move slowly
so that you really are aware

of where
you're putting your feet

before you get them there,
you know?

I really don't think
many of us understood

the implications
of the work we were doing.

Like, there was no processing,
no psychotherapy.

I was nowhere near understanding
the true impact of trauma

and how that comes out
in a ceremony, right?

[icaro music playing]

After that first night, I really
felt I need counselling.

I needed-- I felt like I needed
someone to help me unpack

all of what I had just seen
and what to do with it next.

[Lori] The first ceremonies
that I ever went to,

it was kind of like, "Okay,
here we are and here's a cup,

and here, a drink."

And then at the end
of the ceremony it was like,

"Okay, goodbye."

And a lot of people
were like, "Uh..."

They needed more than that.

And I knew that what Gabor
had to offer was the--

a missing piece in the work
that we had been doing.

I think once I met Gabor,
things changed then,

'cause I started to really see
the need and the gift

that the processing
can be around the ceremony space

and, you know, so I learned
a lot myself from that.

[narrator]
Gabor Maté is a physician.

He is widely recognized
for his work

with childhood trauma
and addiction.

His book,
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts,

is a Canadian national
best seller.

After the book
was published in 2008,

I began to get
all these inquiries

from perfect strangers.

"What do you know
about Ayahuasca

and the healing of addiction?"

I said, "Nothing."

I'd heard about Ayahuasca

from an acquaintance once,

but really, I just dismissed it
as mumbo jumbo.

The inquiries kept increasing
in number,

but it began to feel
like the universe

was knocking on my door.

So I participated
in the ceremony,

and an hour
into my first ceremony,

I understood
why people were asking me.

Because it has got the power
of the plant to open up

areas inside us-- our psyche
that otherwise are inaccessible.

I got an email from a guy
called Jeff, who said,

"My wife,
she used to be a heroin addict,

who is now being maintained
on methadone,

which an opiate
replacement for heroin.

But she called it
her liquid handcuffs."

[Lisa] I was looking
at some serious jail time

for trafficking.

And I was able
to get out of the charges

by agreeing to go on methadone.

[narrator] For 20 years,
Lisa was a sex worker,

struggling
with an addiction to heroin

and eventually, crack cocaine.

[Lisa] I od'd so many times.

I was given Narcan
so many times.

I don't know how I'm alive.

I tapered methadone
for six years

until I got to a point
of about 40 mils.

And I was
having psychotic breaks

from trying to get off
methadone.

And I'm being sent
to this doctor,

and that doctor and this--

What I'm hearing
from all of them is,

"Lisa, think of it
as your insulin.

Just accept."

It just wasn't
sitting in my soul.

I still had to wake up
every day and take something,

and ingest something.

[narrator] Libby, a small
business owner in her thirties,

has been struggling
with depression

since she was 16.

[Libby]
I looked around at some point,

probably in my twenties,
and went--

You know,
where I was aligning myself

was with this group of people
that--

high achiever, A-type,
business people, professionals,

and I was trying
to reach the top of that.

How I lived my life
and how my life actually was

was totally separated, 'cause
nobody could see my struggle.

I felt, like, emotionally
I couldn't do it.

Like I couldn't live
in that state that I was in

at that point for another hour.

I read Gabor's book,
In the Realm of Hungry Ghosts,

and thought, "Okay, I need--
I need to meet Gabor."

By then I trusted Gabor
like he was, you know,

"All right. This is my path.
I'm following Gabor.

So, if he's going there,
I'm going there."

Found him,
and just kind of said,

"Do you know anyone
you could recommend

that does Ayahuasca?"

And he just gave me his card
and said, "Email me."

[narrator]
Shannan is a youth worker

also struggling
with severe depression.

She believes this depression
stems from childhood trauma

buried deep inside
her subconscious.

[Shannan] I got really sick

and nobody could tell me
why I was sick.

I just felt there's no diagnosis
for what's wrong with me

because I just am full
on traumatic experiences.

Like I don't have any more space
in my body for any more trauma.

And so, you get depressed
and you sleep all the time

and you hole yourself up
in your house.

I have no sense
of what I might uncover.

I hope I'm gonna
uncover something,

because that would make sense

why I'm feeling
the way that I'm feeling.

All of the research
that I've done on Ayahuasca

say it's helpful for trauma,
and maybe it will just help me

understand better the trauma
that I do remember

or that's a part of my life
every day,

which could take the load off
a little bit, I feel.

I feel like this was something
that I needed to do.

Like being pulled
towards the medicine.

And whatever needs to come out

or needs to come up
is welcome to do that.

That's the way
I'm going into this.

I had just spent four years
in social work,

and the week before
I went on stress leave,

a little boy that I worked with
almost the entire time

I was in social work
passed away.

I signed off on the contract
saying that I saw them fit

to take care of this little boy,
and he went back

and he was there
less than a month,

and he choked on his vomit
in his sleep.

And that was enough for me.

I blamed myself for that
for a long time.

And then I took
a ten-day nap in the hospital.

Just my body
completely shut off.

Part of what happens when people

are suppressing
emotional reality

is that they're spending
so much time

on a screen or the phones
all the time.

Anything to take
the awareness away

from what's actually
going on in the body.

You know, I think
that I use TV a lot

to disassociate from things.

I don't have really
a drug addictive personality.

Um, maybe sex.

Definitely sex. Yeah.

People tend to push further
and further away from the body

anything that can take them out

until the body's
just gotta scream,

and these are the ways
that the body screams.

Cancer's one example.

I went to the doctor, and he did
a complete blood count

and found that I had
all of the markers for leukemia.

Normally, when your doctor
looks at you and says

that you could have cancer,
people cry and are, like,

"Oh, my God! This can't be
happening to me."

But I was just grateful.

I was, like, I have an out.

I have a legitimate out
that's not gonna

hurt anybody's feelings.

I'm not going to make
anyone uncomfortable.

"Thank you" was
what went through my mind.

I just knew that I had
to get out of that head space.

[mysterious music plays]

[Shannan] I have
some intentions going into it,

but I have no sense
of what I might uncover.

I'm just trying
to keep an open mind.

[mysterious music plays]

[Shannan]
So, the night started--

As I'm talking about this,
I'm getting so scared,

which is
what happened last night.

Um, I was clear that I was
gonna let her in

and she needed to show me
what I needed to see

and she gave me clear memories
of past sexual traumas.

One in particular,
when I was a small kid,

I was drugged
when I was only ten.

[inhales]

The man made me drink
hot chocolate,

and then I don't remember
anything after that.

And I woke up in the morning,
in his bed,

with him rolling over
and his head hitting mine.

I had repressed
that memory completely.

It seemed as soon
as I would give myself

the love that I needed
in that moment,

she would take me
into the next thing.

And the next thing was so hard.

[exhales]

My dad committed suicide
when I was ten.

And I really idolized him.

[sobs]

[whispering] I'm sorry.

[sobbing]

He was so funny,

always the life of the party,

but he had
so much trauma in his own life.

The last two times
that I saw him...

The one time, he had my mom
up against the kitchen counter

with a knife to her throat

and there was me and my sister
standing in the kitchen,

and I was just screaming
for him to stop.

Just stop. Stop.

And that was the second
to last time I saw him.

And the last time I saw him,
he came to my youth group

to give me a suicide note
to give to my mom.

And then three days,
later he died.

[Dave] For everyone
working with Ayahuasca,

it's going to bring up

the unintegrated part
of ourselves,

or the shadow,
the unconsciousness.

So however that looks
for each one of us is different,

but at the root of it,
it's all the same.

You know, it's lack of love.

Self-love, but even beyond that,

we have this disconnection
that happens for us

with our parents
from their own unconsciousness

that we're gonna take on.

So the trauma is--
is too severe and too intense

for the child to-- to cope.

So it just finds
a way for your body

just to tuck it away somewhere.

Certainly, my work with Gabor

has allowed me to see that.

I'd always wanted to be
a physician, a doctor.

I suppose healing people
is the natural consequence

of the experiences
that I endured

as a very small-- as an infant.

I was also quite conscious,
that, um,

it would get me
respect in the world,

but what I wasn't aware of
is how much I was lacking

in self-respect.

So how much the title of doctor

and the respect
that goes with it

were compensations
for my own lack of self-respect.

Well, my first job
as a physician

after I finished my internship

was actually
in the downtown east side.

After 20 years
of family practice,

I was really ready to move on
when the invitation

came to work down there.

And it was almost
like a natural fit

that I should go work
in the downtown east side.

Because I was quite aware
of how people can be made

to suffer
for no fault of their own.

I was also quite aware
of what it's like

to be ostracized
and an outsider.

As a Jew in Eastern Europe,
I knew that.

As an immigrant in Canada,
I knew that.

I really resonate
with the people

in the downtown east side.

I mean, I just don't feel
that different from them.

I mean,
I am different in many ways.

[narrator]
Vancouver's downtown east side

is infamous across North America
for its drug use,

poverty, mental illness,
sex work, and homelessness.

[Gabor] There's a kind of a
restless, authentic misery

about them that I could
completely could resonate with--

identify with.

The intention of the Portland
Hotel Society was beautiful,

which is to take
the most helpless

and the most downtrodden
and to give them a life

that at least is livable.

If you ask, "Did I help them
stay healthier

or have less misery as a result
of their addiction?

Did I give them
some moments of understanding

and listening and empathy?

Did I look after
their medical needs?

Did I approach their addiction
in a humane manner

that made a difference to them?"

Yes, I did.

Did I help them
overcome their addiction?

That would've been very rare.

That would take
a whole revisioning

and reorganization
of the entire treatment system,

not to mention
the laws in this country.

[Lisa] So I started
mixing cocktails at age 11.

That's when I began
dulling it and saying,

"I can't handle this."

Tried cocaine
by the age of about 14.

And I did a line of heroin,
and it just, it was like,

this is the way that life
is supposed to feel.

This is what
I've been looking for

since I was a little kid.

It felt like safety
and like I could--

I was okay.

Like the world
was a safe place to be.

And I can do
this thing called life.

[narrator]
To afford her drug habit,

Lisa becomes a call girl.

This begins a spiral down

with her eventually working
as a street prostitute.

Once I took methadone,

and couldn't get high
on heroin anymore,

I was like, "Well, I need
to get high on something."

And somebody
at the meth clinic said,

"You know, have you tried crack?
It works really well with--"

And I'm like-- Meth clinics
are wonderful places

for honing your skills
as an addict.

They're just lovely for that.

First of all, you have
to break down the crack

with vinegar and water.

And I remember times taking,
like, water out of a puddle.

The smallest things
were the hardest to find.

Like a piece of cotton
to pull the syringe through.

Like, who has that
when you're out there?

I was always
in stores stealing vinegar.

You put the crack in the spoon.

You break it up.
You add some vinegar.

You add some water.

You heat it up.
You put the heroin in.

You pull it through the syringe.
Then you gotta put it--

The hard part is getting it
in your vein.

If you miss the vein,

you get this big, burning bulge
and you waste it.

You don't get well.

You don't get high.
You've blown your money.

You have to go turn
a few more tricks.

You're sicker.
You're frustrated.

It's way better to do it,
feel better, back to work.

[icaro music playing]

[Lisa] I didn't really
understand what Ayahuasca was,

but I had
a lot of trust in Gabor.

Really, is what it came down to.

His suggestion was
for me to look at my past.

And I was like, "Really?

[chuckling] Like, you want that
to be my intention? Like--"

And much to my surprise,

I went through this process
of, like, a slide show.

It started with Gabor.

Then it went to the shaman
that Gabor works with.

My husband.

It went backwards in my life
from Sister June,

the lady in the recovery house,

the woman at my rehab, Sherry,

to nurses,

to doctors,

to crisis care unit workers.

But all the love that I've been
shown and all the--

And it went back, back,
back, back, back,

and it ended with my mom.

And the slide just stayed
on my mom

for a really long time.

So, one thing
that I say about Ayahuasca

is like you really, really,
get what you need.

[car horn honks]

[Lisa] So for the last
two years of my using,

I started doing crack
intravenously.

I had very severe pancreatitis,
hepatitis C.

My kidneys were shutting down.

I was about 80 pounds.

Missing my two front teeth.

My hair was falling out.

When I came in, I found out
that I didn't have AIDS,

but I was pretty sure I did.

And I sure looked like it.
That's my point.

I was not the girl

that you wanted to pull over
and have sex with.

That's for darn sure.
You wanted to run.

I was out on the street
trying to get a trick to stop,

and a guy pulled up that knew me
from when I was an escort.

And he's like, "Lisa?"

And I'm like, "Oh, who are you?"

So we went and picked up
what I needed and we went to...

To me it looked
like the Taj Mahal.

And I'm, like, just itching
to get in there and use,

'cause now he's given me money

and I've gone and scored
and got booze and this and that

and I'm, "Let's go."

He took another look
at my physical condition

and said,
"I'm gonna go check in,

and I'll come around
and open the back door."

And boom.
I'm right in the washroom.

I remember trying to get a hit,
trying to get a hit,

and I had
a crack pipe beside me,

and I was trying
to wake up enough,

'cause I kept passing out.

And I tried to wake up enough
with the crack pipe

and then do a hit
and then, like, pass out again,

wake up, drink some booze.

Then boom, I come to.

And the police are there,
and they're kicking me.

And not the first time
I've been beaten by police.

I've been sexually abused
by police.

I've been--

They put me under cold water

and they put my hands
behind my back.

And this time, they didn't
take me out the back door.

They paraded me
through the lobby,

naked, blood dripping.

And I'd been humiliated
so many times.

But something happened
in that moment

of walking through that lobby,

where I saw

this ugly,
pained, diseased, body

being walked out.

And I was looking at it,

where that was my disease,

and I was something

that was clean

and of divinity,

and there was something separate

from
that physical manifestation.

And I never picked up again.

[Dave] We don't love ourselves.

I mean, that's the root of it,
you know?

Our society is sick.

Our society is depressed.

And mass parts of the population

have mental disorders
and huge traumas.

So what do people do
when they're sick?

They're desperate.

Ultimately,
it's just about people

just wanting to be fixed.

And I think that
the western medicine--

I think it is so far gone.
I think it's such a sick system.

They just say,
"We can fix you with a pill"

or "We can take this part
of your body out

and you're cured."

That's not healing.

Healing is the integration

of every aspect of our self.

Not a denial
of a part of ourselves

or avoidance
of a part of ourselves,

It's exactly what a pill does.

Or any kind
of recreational drug.

It stops us from experiencing
the whole of who we are,

which is the part of ourselves
that we don't like to feel.

The unconscious. The sadness.
The anger. The rage.

All of that.

[Libby] I've lived my entire
adult life on antidepressants

and I had no understanding
of what needed fixing

I just thought
that I was broken.

I'd been thinking about suicide,

all day, every day, for months.

I'd driven into the forest to...

do that.

I had voice memoed
a suicide letter.

[sobbing] So I'm not sure
exactly what this is

or could quite possibly be

the lowest I've been in my life.

I feel completely alone.

I'm a bad person.

And I mostly just feel
like, there's, like,

absolutely no end to this.

If Mexico doesn't work,
there's--

I don't even feel
like I can make it to Mexico.

I feel like I just need
to figure out how to do it

so that no one finds me.

And I don't know
why I'm making this

just to explain to people.

Like, explain why.

I can't feel this much pain
for this long.

If anyone knew
what this feels like.

I just wish
I could talk to anyone.

I just-- I don't want anyone
to think it's their fault.

It's not. It's me. This is me.

So, when I voice memoed,

I was trying to find a place

to hang myself in the forest.

But I wanted to not affect
anyone else's life

with that trauma.

I kept thinking,
like, what if it's a family?

It's gonna, like,
just impact them so much.

And then I kind of thought,
"Well, you can come back here."

Like, "You can come back here.
You know where you're gonna go.

You have everything you need."

And I basically,
just promised myself

that I would get to end it
after Mexico if it didn't work.

I believed that there was
just something wrong with me

and that it needed to be fixed.

And that how it had to be
fixed had to come from within.

And that I had to be
smart enough

and motivated enough to fix it.

My last-ditch effort was
to go to this thing with Gabor.

If that didn't fix it,
it was okay.

It was okay
to kill myself, yeah.

And it wasn't
because I hadn't tried.

I felt like I had tried
for 20 years.

Going to Gabor's retreat,

somewhere inside me
I felt like it would work.

[plane roaring]

[sad music plays]

[icaro music playing]

[Libby] The next day
after the first ceremony,

I came in and said,

"Oh, that didn't work,
nothing happened."

I just felt really sick
and I felt poisoned.

And,
"This is kind of ridiculous."

I was joking
about the chanting a little bit

'cause I just felt like it was,
you know, kind of funny, and--

I wasn't comfortable with that.

I would've preferred to have
done Ayahuasca in a hospital.

And I just thought,
"This is terrifying.

This is not contained.
For me this is not contained.

Like, I don't want--
I want walls."

Gabor said, "Okay, what did you
go in to the ceremony wanting?

Show me fear."

[rattling]

He just validated me
and he said,

"Well don't you think--"
I might cry.

[chuckles]

He said, "Don't you think

that the most,
you know, brave thing

that you could do
was to come here

when you didn't trust
any of it?"

Showing you all the road blocks
last night

was a really good way
of showing you trust

because there was
something you trusted.

And then everything else
was fear.

It was true and I think
I kind of needed that, like,

"It's okay to feel that.
You're not wrong."

That's not funny
or sad or bad or whatever.

And then the trust was built

between the relationships
between people.

Myself and Dave and--
And that was--

That was the key piece,

'cause I don't think
I trusted people.

[Gabor] In all the countries
where Ayahuasca is used

as a teaching plant,
it's not done

as a one-off ceremony
with a bunch of strangers.

There's a communal basis for it.

So people know each other,
and there's a shared culture.

Whereas here in North America,
people come

to one or two ceremonies,
and there'll be no processing.

There'd be discussion.

There'd be no preparation.
No intention setting.

So I thought that's
not the way it's meant to be.

And I thought, well, I just need
to find people to work with.

[Dave] Gabor came
to a ceremony that we did,

and I heard he was planning
on putting together a retreat

using Ayahuasca
and psychotherapy.

And he had gone to ceremony

with these two other
practitioners,

and it wasn't his cup of tea.

[Gabor]
I was introduced to Dave.

And once I did
a ceremony with Dave,

I just knew that this is
the guy I wanna work with.

Right after ceremony,
I remember we put the candle on

and the two of us
started talking

about doing a retreat together
in two months' time.

[Gabor] There was just a kind
of integrity and a humility,

a desire to serve the plant
or the truth of the plant

that I just picked up on,
so it just--

It was instantaneous.
And that's how it began.

[Lori] Gabor and his work

brings a great deal
of compassion

and a deep understanding
of the human psyche

and how people get themselves
into certain patterns.

Where does it all originate?

And he has a great skill
in helping people

find that for themselves.

He has a really
compassionate heart,

really, to listen to people.

He's been around a lot
of suffering

on the east side of Vancouver.

He really holds that space

for people in an amazing way.

So I would just sit back
and listen

to how he was processing
and just watch how he would,

with a lot of presence,
bring-- bring that out

and help the person.

[Daniel] Building
on his many years as a doctor

and kind of a psychotherapist,
although, he never trained

as a psychotherapist,
he just kind of became one,

'cause he was the kind of doctor
who listened to his patients

and who got interested

in their minds
and their life stories

and started connecting the dots
between the emotional lives

that people have lived

and the way they're experiencing
their health now.

What makes me feel qualified
is sheer arrogance.

I don't know.

[chuckles]

It's just something in me tells
me what I can do and can't do.

I'm called to it,

and when I'm working
in that space,

something happens for me

where I can see people

and I see what's in them.

And most of the time,
I find the tone

and the language to help them.

And sometimes I don't.

So I need help myself sometimes.

So there are other people
that work with me

to make sure that I'm
giving people what they need.

[icaro music playing]

[Daniel] People go
through all kinds of shit

in these ceremonies
and they see things

they do not understand.

My mind is gonna take over

and make up
a bunch of stories about it,

and sometimes
they're really invalidating.

It's like, "There's something
wrong with me, I'm doomed.

This didn't work.
It's the Shaman's fault.

It's the medicines fault.
There's no hope for me."

And at the heart of it,
there's a lot of fear

that I can never really change.

He helps them
to understand and accept

that the healing that's being
brought by the medicine

when that can be hard to see.

[Gabor] What we conceived of
is a retreat

where at least we create
a temporary village.

Within 24 hours, people
are sharing of themselves

in a deeper way
than they ever have

with anybody in their lives.

And people are hearing
each other in a deeper way

than they've ever listened
to anybody in their lives.

And from that place then,
we help people

set their intention
for the first ceremony,

which then happens
the second night.

And that's when
the shamans take over.

[Lori] Our role is to go
into the ceremonial aspect

of those retreats
and work with the plants

to gain access to the vision
to help guide people

deeper inside themselves
and take them

as far as they are able to go.

And that can look like chanting

or doing energy work

or helping to bring
a kind of energy

into the energetic field

to help move anything
that doesn't belong there.

[icaro music playing]

People have lots of different
sickness, and that sickness--

I mean, it's an energy.

So the energy
is then there in the space,

and can it have an impact
on the practitioners?

Can it have an impact
on other things?

The first thing
that, as practitioners,

we really learn about
is how to protect the space.

A lot of times
we're working with things

like really serious addictions,
or maybe somebody has cancer.

All of these different
sicknesses, they have an energy.

So that energy
is a palpable, actual, thing.

So we're working to untangle
and unwind and move that energy.

And in order to move that,
we have to make sure

that it's not just gonna
go around the space,

it's going to fill up the room

and the people
are gonna be impacted by that.

You have to be able
to protect it

and hold that space
in a good way.

[icaro music playing]

The visions started out
super sexual again.

And I was like,
"Oh great, here we are.

We're in this, like, gross,
sex-shamey space again.

Why am I here again?

Like, I don't have
any issues with this.

What am I not seeing here?
Like, show me something."

[icaro music playing]

[Shannan]
So, then she opened up,

and in bright,
Moulin Rouge style,

neon lights in the background,
"You're a sex addict."

She started showing me
visions of my parents

and their addiction.

There was no filters really

on what was happening
in front of kids

and not in front of kids.

There wasn't a time when sex

wasn't a huge thing
in my life ever.

She was like, "This was
where it all blew up for you."

And I was working at
a children's mental health place

and there was an IT computer guy
that was working there.

And so, he was like really sweet
and sent me flowers on my desk

all the time and--

Almost too sweet.

And then he took me out
for coffee and he was like,

"We can date, sure, that's fine,

but there are
other parts to my life

that, you know,
you might not agree with."

There was something
alluring there for me.

So we had, like, a bit of a
bondage relationship for a while

and he's like, "I run an escort
agency with my ex-girlfriend.

I want you to be a star.
You could go so far."

And I was already
in this, like, fucked up space

where he's beating me,

and fast forward
three months later

and now he's got
my sister involved in it also.

And he's like,
"Let's do this porn website."

I have no idea
how I let my sister

get wrapped up
in that shit also.

Things got super crazy,
and I was like, "Fuck it."

Like, "I'm not doing this
anymore. I can't do this."

And I went home
and I had a bottle

of some antianxiety medication,

and just fucking downed
the entire thing.

[somber music plays]

And I don't think--

I don't know if I wanted to die
at that moment

or if I was just,
like, "Somebody help."

I don't know.

[sobs]

[sobs]

Oh, those images?

I did-- I tried so hard
not to think about those things.

[chuckles]

And then fast forward.

I'm still doing that,
but in just a different way.

I have a complete disregard

for who they are,
how they treat me, anything,

as long as the sex is good,
I'll stay.

It doesn't matter.

'Cause I'm getting
whatever I need out of that.

[sniffles]

But not what I need here at all.

[sniffles]

She was clear.

That's stopping.

"Don't do that
to yourself anymore."

I feel like-- Well,
that's gonna be interesting,

because how do you not have sex?

[Shannan chuckling] You know?

It's not like I can be,
"Oh, I'm addicted to heroin,

I'm never gonna touch it
ever again."

And I just remember saying
to her over and over again,

"Okay, I see
all of this stuff, I get it,

but I don't know how to fix it."

And she's like, "It's okay.
You'll figure it out."

I should have known
that this was gonna be

what it was gonna be about,

because it's the one thing
that I hate about myself.

I still feel like...

there's more in there.

[Dave] Well,
the Gabor style retreat is--

it gives you the structure
of the psychotherapy

and helps people to work

with what material
has been brought up in ceremony.

So I'm there in the ceremony
doing my job, which is to work

on the energetic level
spiritually,

work with the physical body.

He really goes in there
to the unconscious,

the ego, and the mind

and allows the person
to really focus

on the intention that they wanna
discover within the ceremony.

[Lori]
We won't actually be present

for all of the processing
of the people.

So, we're not even
fully aware on that level

of what the person
is working with

and so the people will come
and say, "What did you see?"

And so we can share
our perspective on that.

What's very interesting to me,

and this shows up
over and over and over again,

is that whatever I find
about somebody during the day,

as I'm speaking with them,

the same dynamic will be
uncovered or recognized

by the shamans at night

when people
aren't speaking at all.

They're just lying there.

The work that I do is going
into the spiritual world

and communicating with spirits.

Any illness that someone has
exists on this physical level,

but it also exists
in the spiritual world.

So, with Ayahuasca
and certain plants,

we can see the spiritual world
and see the root

of that illness
on a spiritual side of things.

[Gabor] We don't live
in a very symbolic world,

we live in a very practical,
technological world

while the visions
that people experience,

or voices they might hear,

or the experiences
they might have

are full of symbolism,
full of the kind of meaning

that the verbal left brain
has difficulty understanding.

So people have sometimes
very deep, sometimes scary,

sometimes painful,
sometimes beautiful experiences,

but they don't necessarily
know how to interpret that

in terms of what that means
for their lives.

So again, that's my work.

With each ceremony
and with each day,

people go deeper
and deeper and deeper.

So, at the end
of three ceremonies

and the seven days that surround
those three ceremonies,

people have had an experience
of themselves

that's in some ways richer
and more profound

than any other experience
of their lives.

And it's certainly
more instructive.

You know, the other thing
that I would say

about the Gabor retreats
is that we try to also provide

tools for people to help them
to carry that into their lives

so that the work
that they've done can reflect

in their day to day living.

[car horns honking]

[Dave] Well, the first thing
that Ayahuasca does is,

it's a medicine,
and it brings up the sickness.

And the sickness
appears in the vision.

And as a trained vegetalista,

we're trained
to understand the vision,

to work with the energy.

You'll see the spirit
of the illnesses that come up,

the spirit of the trauma.

And it's up for you to--
to move this energy,

to work with this energy.

[Gabor] Really, it's
an intentional community

with a deep shamanic experience,

around which the seven days
are constructed.

There is people out there
that they're like,

"If this doesn't work, I don't
know what else I'm gonna do."

[birds chirping]

[Libby] I sat down and drank.

Probably within ten minutes
I started--

Just the most beautiful visuals.

I looked down, there was

this beautiful, amazing,
strong horse.

And I looked,
and there were whip marks.

And I thought, "Oh, my God!"

Like, "What happened
to this beautiful horse?"

Like, "Look at those whip marks,
who's been doing that?"

And then I was told,
"Well, that's you."

And I was horrified,

because when I was
looking down at the horse,

I felt for the horse,

and then when it was me,

all of a sudden, I felt for me.

You know, I felt bad for me.

And sad for me.

And compassionate for me.

And then I was handed
the reins of the horse.

You know, I was given the reins
to this beautiful horse

that had gone through so much.

I just, basically, promised it.
"I won't do this."

And then the horse disappeared
and it was me.

And I was looking at me.

Physically me.
Sitting there. On my mat.

I was looking at myself
and I started bawling.

Like I just remember I kept
trying to touch my own face

and I just said,
"She's so beautiful."

[chuckles]

I was like,
"Thank you. Thank you."

[birds chirping]

[Dave] Everything
that happens to us as an adult

is a by-product
about how we're taught

as children how to live.

And we go out
and we learn things on our own,

but the choices we're making
are largely based

on how we were taught as kids
how to respond

and react
in different situations.

As we start to work
into people's psyche

and we start to see
how as young kids,

when mother and father
neglected them,

they isolated themselves.

They become adults,
and what happens

as soon as challenges happen?

They won't open up.

[Libby]
I definitely group up isolated.

We grew up in the middle of...

Yeah, the middle of nowhere.

I was home schooled.

My dad worked
twelvish hours away

and would be gone for months.

And my mom took care
of my brother and I.

My parents were...

The nice way to put it
is homesteaders.

The other way to put it
would be, like, survivalists.

I had never connected
with the feeling

of being isolated as a child.

I felt like I was
a social child,

and I had a brother,
and we just did things together,

but it was honestly
the first time I recognized

that I was isolated
and lonely as a child.

And then I was recreating that
for myself again in my life.

And realized as an adult, "Okay,
whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

This is actually a problem."

And then you get depression,

which is just the suppression
of any emotion.

You go to the doctor
and say that you're depressed.

The doctor doesn't say, "Well,
you know, you should cry more."

They give you a pill to suppress
the emotion even more.

So then everyone
is just walking around numb.

[Libby]
I was on Prozac for 20 years.

When I originally went on it,
I was anorexic, depressed.

Had, you know, like, kind
of half-assed a suicide attempt.

I was just,
not really, connected.

To express emotion
is to be alive.

That's why we're here.
Sadness is not a bad thing.

Anger is not a bad thing.

It's important
that we do express that,

and as young kids,
how many times have you seen

a parent shutting down
a kid's emotion

because the parent
can't hold it for the kid?

Like a child just normally
expresses emotion.

That's what they do.

I don't wanna do this anymore.
I don't wanna do any of it.

I don't know
that I'm strong enough,

or my body is strong enough
to keep going.

My heart hurts.
Like, it hurts all the time.

Yeah, but it's like,
sometimes you can see

all of that healing
really clearly,

and then sometimes it's hidden
behind all of this dark shit

that you know
you still have to do.

Maybe it's just nerves

for getting close
to another ceremony

or all of these fears
are coming up around.

"Oh, great, if this is what's
happening in my dream time,

what's gonna happen
at ceremony?"

This is gonna sound weird.

I thought
it was gonna be easy street

and I was gonna have to deal
with my dad's suicide.

That's easy street for me.

After the last ceremony
I thought,

"Great, it really felt like,
this is the end.

I can put all of this
sexual abuse stuff behind me.

This is gonna be great.

Let's move on
to Daddy's suicide stuff.

Let's just, like, plow through
all of this stuff really fast.

Look at me,
I'm doing all of this work."

And then it's still all
about the sexual abuse stuff.

All my dreams are
about the sexual abuse stuff.

[Lisa]
I ended up meeting with Gabor.

I walked into a hotel room
where he was staying,

in, like, stiletto heels
and bad make up,

but he saw beyond that.

So then he told me
about Ibogaine.

Ibogaine is an extract
of an African plant called iboga

and it has the wonderful quality

of actually
curtailing withdrawal.

So we have no way
in western medicine

of stopping withdrawal

except by giving people
more opiates.

I liken the of Ibogaine
to like, Pacman

going through my blood
and eating up the methadone.

So every night,
as the sun went down

and they would start
working again,

and it would go all night long
till the sun came up

and it would just let me be.

May 23rd, 2011.

Done with methadone.

Whoa, take the methadone
out of the picture,

and everything starts to flow,
and Gabor says,

"We have a next step,
don't worry.

Hang on a month.
We're going back to Mexico."

[Gabor] When you stop
using the methadone,

you gotta remember
there's a reason

why you started
using the opiates.

And opiates are painkillers,

and you're using the opiate
to kill your pain.

All the pain that you've been
suppressing is gonna flood in.

Now you need to work
with the Ayahuasca

to get underneath the pain
to find out who you really are

and to find out
what has been blocking you

from being yourself,

which is always
childhood trauma.

[Lisa] So I flew to Vancouver,

and met with him
and went to Mexico.

And I drank Ayahuasca

and did group processing
around it.

Dave primarily worked with me
at the beginning.

And I have a list,
like, so long of...

things that have changed
in my life

because of working with him.

I was
at my second Gabor retreat,

and one of the subjects
that came up

was that I had had
two abortions in my using days.

He said, "You have to clear
those three beings, souls.

Coming between Creator's
creation is a big deal,

and if I'm gonna work on helping
you clear these three,

you're have to promise me
that you're going to spend time

talking to them
and asking for their forgiveness

and releasing them."

And I was like,
"What are you talking about?

Three? I only had two."

And he said,
"No, I think you had three."

And after he did
that freeing of those,

I felt some kind of stirring,

something going on
that I hadn't felt

in my uterus and my ovaries.

So again, I take the flight home

and I go to the washroom
on the flight

and I have my moon cycle.

After 20 years.

My mom picked me up
at the airport

and I told her the story.

She said, "Yeah, Lisa, you
don't remember the third one.

You were incarcerated,

and I had to come
and sign for you.

You were of no sound mind and--"

So there had been
a third abortion

that I didn't know about,

that he was able to see,
and feel, and release.

[rattling]

[Gabor]
She's a wonderful example

of what's potentially possible

with the use
of these medicinal plants.

[Shannan] Yesterday was the
anniversary of my dad's suicide.

So my intention was
to heal whatever is left.

She was like, "Let's explore

this stuff that happened
with your dad a little bit."

And she showed me how it
happened and when it happened.

And then I was like,
"Okay, I can handle this."

His mental health
was really deteriorating,

and we were staying
in a women's shelter with my mom

and I would sneak away
from school

and go and see him
in the morning.

And I was trying
to take care of him.

And in his mind,
it got so messed up.

You know?

And then I was like,

"Did I kill him?

Was that me?

Was he so upset
about what was happening

that he did that?"

And I was like, "Oh, God!
I don't wanna be in that."

It started showing me one
of my childhood best friends.

She had been sexually abused
by her dad.

And then she started to go
into all these dark places,

and I was like,
"Oh, I'm not going there.

I can't. I'm not doing this."

And she was like, "You have to.
We gotta go in there.

You wanna heal these parts
of you, you have to see this."

[exhales]

She just kind of threw me
right into this space

of what happens
if you were the reason

why your dad committed suicide?

Can we go in there?

And I'm like, "Oh, my God."

I've never been so uncomfortable
in my entire life

and I just knew that the only
way through it was in it.

So in we went.

The visions that she sent me

was, like, me and my dad
laying on my bed

and kind of playing,
and me thinking

that I was taking care of him
in some way or shape or form.

And his mental health
was completely deteriorated.

And...

She started showing me
visions of the sexual things

that happened
between me and my dad.

And really went
into all of the--

All of it. And just disgusting.

And then to know that that was
days before he killed himself.

When I came out of ceremony,

I felt responsible
for his suicide.

Yep.

I think even...

how traumatic that was
and how I was thinking

that I was responsible for it,

there was this part of me
that was like,

"Thank God this is out of me."

And then I tried to spend
the rest of the evening

talking myself
out of how none of that is true.

"I just made it up.
I'm a drama queen."

I was doing everything,
everything I could

to talk myself out of how
that didn't actually happen.

Yeah. So what you can trust
is the feeling

inside of you,

the sadness that was present,

the anger that was present.

All the other stuff
that comes in,

the fear, the doubt,
the confusion.

All that stuff
is coming from the mind.

But, you know,
when you're crying there,

there's no doubt in me
that that emotion is true.

So I'm not sitting here going,

"I don't think
that really happened."

It would be hard to generate
that sense of feeling.

Unless it's true.

Thank you.

[Lori] In the end,
I just have to trust.

You know, I trust in creation.
I trust in nature.

I trust
in my own intuitive sense

and I know that this

is what I'm meant
to be doing in my life.

I know that this
is helping people.

I know that this is good.

I know that this is true.

And I don't really believe

that what I'm doing
is not lawful.

[Rosie] I want people to know
that we're a regular family,

kind and normal,
and not, you know--

There's so much misinformation
out there about Ayahuasca.

And it's always linked
with drugs

and, you know, it's really sad.

It's such a sacred medicine.

[Dave] Thank you for this day

and thank you
for this food on the table.

[Rosie] We don't even use
pharmaceutical drugs.

We don't drink. We're in bed
by nine every night.

You know, we're pretty simple,
natural people,

using plants to heal us
if we're sick.

[Dave] Plant and humans have
a symbiotic relationship.

We rely
on each other to survive.

You know, and plants have been
here a lot longer than us.

So, they have
a certain knowledge

that they can share with us.

I think there's obviously--

There's a master plan
that's happening

around all of these plants.

Terence McKenna called it
the Archaic Revival.

You know,
it's like, the old ways

are gonna come back and save us.

So, you know,
this is only my opinion,

but I think there is obviously
something happening

on that level, where plants
are coming out and giving us

an opportunity to heal,

because if we don't heal,

they're gonna die the way
that we're treating the earth.

[Mauro]
Just for the people, you know,

if they're coming to Ayahuasca,
you know, to--

Have tremendous amounts
of respect for the medicine.

You're not coming
to take a drug.

You're coming to work
with a sacred medicine

that's been used for who knows
how many thousands of years

that has been put here
along with all other plants

to help heal us
and bring us back to ourselves

and bring us back
to the connection with nature.

[Daniel]
I'm really grateful to everybody

who makes this work possible.

It astounds me, the stamina,
and the fortitude,

and the concentration
it must take

to lead these ceremonies.

To chant. To channel this.

To be with people's suffering.

Like, to bring that quality
of presence

that these practitioners bring,
that Dave brings.

How much work must
they have done on themselves?

The work is never done.

The healing is never ever done.

[Daniel chuckles]

It never ends.

I never get to say I'm finished.

But there's all kinds
of medicine in the world

and there's all kinds of healing

and this is
a really powerful one.

[Dave] Well, the last 15 years

I've learned
so many things about myself,

but about
the society we live in.

Our society is sick,

and there's a need for medicine
and plants to help people

because western medicine
is not doing it.

The war on cancer, whenever
that was started in the 70's,

the rates of cancer
are higher now than they were.

So there's gotta be another way.

Antidepressants
and antipsychotics,

all that stuff, truly it's--

I think it does
more harm than good.

[Gabor] How society lives
has a huge impact

on the emotional outlook
and health of its members.

And the plant world,
the vegetalismo world,

is very much a non-dualistic
perspective on human beings.

They don't make the splits
that western medicine makes.

By the time I'd begun
to work with the plant,

I'd gone beyond
the ideological restrictions

of mainstream medicine.

I already understood that mind
and body can't be separated,

that people are
creatures of physiology,

but also psychology and they
have a spiritual nature as well.

I understood about the
relationship of adult illness,

physical or mental, or addiction
to childhood trauma.

But it did open me
to a whole way of working

and thinking about things.

I've had some deep experiences
with the plant.

I have to say...

[chuckles]

...that, personally,
those experiences

have not been as transformative
as I've seen them be

for the people that I work with.

I've had insights.

One specific insight,

very important one,
and I didn't follow it.

Boy, did I create suffering
for myself and others.

So it speaks the truth.

[icaro music playing]

The chanting
during the ceremony started,

and it was just all male voices.

I had all my guy friends,
in the vision,

and I just felt like,

"This is great.
They're all here."

And then, sort of, the feeling
of the chant or the song changed

and I realized
they were there to send me off.

And I realized
that they were saying,

"We've had you with us
for so long,

but now it's time to move on."

And I got anxious.

I didn't wanna go.

And we were all
on the bank of a lake.

And I realized that they
were chanting towards the lake.

And I turned around and there
was a raft coming forward,

and there was a woman
on this raft.

She was the most feminine figure
I've ever encountered.

And she was
in, head to toe, red.

And her dress was made of roses.

And the guys waved goodbye
and they said,

"You need
to go forward with her.

You need to go forward
with this.

And she's gonna take you."

I was told--

[exhales]

[sighs]

You need to--

You need to go and spend time
with your girlfriends,

and you need
to spend time with mothers.

You need to learn from them,

because within a year,
you're gonna have a baby."

[chuckles]

And I was like,
"That's impossible.

I'm going through a divorce."

Um, and they said,
"You're gonna have a baby girl."

And, uh...

And so I also said,

"Well, I don't know how."
You know?

And they said,

"You have a lot of good friends

that are really great mothers,

and you need
to learn from them."

The next April rolled around,
I was pregnant

and found out
that it was a baby girl.

[woman] Please go ahead
and create another memory,

by sharing with us
your very first kiss

as husband and wife.

Hey, sweet pie.

I just feel really grateful.
I know that sounds--

Yeah, I had no idea.

You know?

I had no idea.

And just to...

step out of my comfort zone

for just a second...

That's all that it took.

Just a second.

And just trust.

Oh. Yeah.

[Shannan] I feel like Ayahuasca
made me love myself

in the biggest way possible.

I do everything for me now.

I have a meditation practice.
I exercise regularly.

I eat good food because I want
to, like, nourish my body.

I wanna keep going.

But it was, like,
connection to spirit

that was the big kicker for me,
and it's definitely continued.

I'll just be driving
in my car to work

and I'll just get
this overwhelming feeling

of gratitude,
and the tears are falling

and that happens
because I have this connection

with-- with the spirit,
or Creator, or whatever--

whatever you wanna call it.

I would say I think
about my dad every day.

I forgave him
after that ceremony,

because I saw
where he came from.

I saw what happened to him.

I felt all of that, all
of the stuff he was feeling.

And you can't help
but have compassion for somebody

who had that amount of trauma.

[Lisa] One thing that I say
about Ayahuasca

is, like, you really,
really get what you need.

I thought I was diving
into darkness,

and instead
she showed me the exact--

the exact opposite
of how I've been loved

and how I survived.

And I survived
by being through this love.

And it's not an easy path.

But I couldn't feel more blessed

by anything in my life
than Ayahuasca.

She just allows me
to look at myself

with love and compassion.

And she's had me look
at some real dark times.

But she's held my hand
through them,

as has the community.

[icaro music playing]

Dave is, no doubt,

one of the most experienced
people

in North America.

Few would've had the dedication

to be in the jungle
all that time that Dave did.

And Lori as well.

And for a long time,
they were working

under the guidance of a Shipibo,

native Indian Peruvian teacher.

So, they learned a lot

in a very dedicated,
disciplined, fashion.

There is in Dave
that kind of integrity

and so he's a very
experienced Ayahuascaro.

And I've seen his work deepen
immeasurably

over the years that I've been
associated with him.

You know, it's impossible
for me to say

why I chose the path, other
than I wanted to help people

because I was sick when I--
when I came to Ayahuasca myself.

You know,
I had the depression and--

I think there's
just higher powers

that are helping guide him,

and this is his path.

[Dave] As much as I was
pulled towards the path,

I also had to walk
towards the path.

But it doesn't take
some kind of special person.

[Gabor] I don't know any other
place where there's actually

a community in the sense
that has coalesced around Dave.

So what's more beautiful

than to see a group of people
committed to healing

and to offering
that healing to others?

[Dave] Until we learn
to respect ourselves,

respect something
higher than ourselves,

something greater
than ourselves,

something that created us.

its where we need
to put our emphasis

with gratitude and reverence

for this amazing place
that we live.

[rock music plays]

[Dave]
I remember this one example

of being in a retreat
with Gabor.

Me and Lori were
the practitioners back then.

And we spent the whole day
in circle processing the group,

and one of the women said,

"You know, I'm really excited
to meet the shamans.

When are they gonna be here?"

[chuckling]
And Lori and I were like,

"Yeah, that's us."

You know, I guess people
want us to come in there

with an eagle headdress
or a staff or something and--

A shaman's path is here.

It's not the color of your skin.

It's not where you come from.

It's the desire to help people

and that ability
to navigate both worlds,

that spiritual world
and this physical world.

Very early on, I understood

that as long
as my heart was clear

on what I wanted to do,
it had nothing to do

with what color my skin is.

[rock music continues]