Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999) - full transcript
Dr. Evil uses a device he calls a "Time Machine" to travel back to 1969 and remove Austin Powers' mojo. The sexually wounded swinger must travel back in time and, with the help of agent Felicity Shagwell, recover his vitality. Meanwhile, Dr. Evil's personal life runs amok as he discovers love, continues to shun his son and develops a close relationship with himself. Well, actually, a clone 1/8 his size whom he dubs "Mini-Me". The always time-baffled Dr. Evil begins his plan to put a gigantic cannon on the moon, thus turning it into a device called either "The Death Star" or "Alan Parson's Project," depending on which name is available.
Houston, this is Condor.
We are doing an EVA of the payload.
We are about to present the module with...
What the...
Oh, my gentle Jesus!
Houston,
we have a problem.
Launch procedure commence.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes!
Yes!
Oh God.
And I'm spent.
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know baby, I never looked.
Austin.
What shall we do now?
Well, I've got an idea.
Why don't we shag?
Again?
Sure, baby. We're only up
to chapter 11 in the Kamasutra.
Don't you wanna try the Wheelbarrow
or the Praying Donkey,
or the Chinese Shag Swing?
I'm gonna get us some more
champagne, Jungle Boy.
I'm gonna get us some more
champagne, Jungle Boy.
Are you ok?
I've never felt better, Austin.
Alright, then.
I'm just gonna go watch a movie.
Hey, In Like Flint.
That's my favorite movie.
Vanessa,
what's going on?
I don't know what you mean, Austin.
I'm the same...
You must...
Oh, my God!
Vanessa!
You're a Fembot!
No shit, Sherlock.
Machine-gun jubblies?
How did I miss those, baby?
Perhaps next time
you should try foreplay.
Right.
Oh, my God.
Here's your wedding present,
Mr. Powers.
A kamikaze bride from me...
Dr. Evil.
Oh, thank God.
I can't believe Vanessa,
my bride,
my one true love,
the woman who taught me
the beauty of monogamy...
was a Fembot...
all along.
Wait a tick?
That means I'm single again.
Oh, behave!
Yeah!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Halt!
Disgusting.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Yeah.
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
Good.
Hey. Yeah.
Revolting.
What's that?
What's that?
Yes. Yeah, that looks
good on you, man!
Hey, what's going on?
Good to see you guys.
Yes.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Rabbis, how are you?
Nice to meat.
Yes, nice meat.
Photo op.
Yeah, baby.
Keep a close eye on that
Kreplachistan situation.
Sir.
Jerry, Jerry.
Ok.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
If you just joined us, today's topic is:
My father is evil and
he wants to take over the world.
Ok, let's meet Scott Evil.
Hi, Scott.
Nice to have you with us.
Thanks, Jerry.
Tell us about your father.
Well, my dad is the head
of a worldwide evil organization,
with aspirations of world domination.
Pretty serious stuff.
Where is he now?
He's like...
cryogenically frozen,
orbiting the Earth or something.
That's what you think.
But we have a surprise for you, Scott.
Ok, let's bring out Scott's father, Dr. Evil.
What?
I didn't... What?
General, we've got a situation here.
What is it, sergeant?
Hello, Scott.
Daddy's back.
How could you do this to me?
On national television.
Well, throw me
a fricking bone here, Scott.
Why'd you run out on me?
Because you're not quite evil enough.
Well, it's true.
You're quasi-evil.
You're semi-evil.
You're the margarine of evil.
You're the Diet Coke of evil.
Just one calorie.
Not evil enough.
What are you?
Some kind of freak?
Hey, shut up, ♪♪♪♪off!
Ok. Ok, come on.
I'll kick your ♪♪♪, punk!
Bring it on, you skanky ♪♪♪♪♪.
Alright, alright.
Come on.
No one talks to my son like that.
It's ok.
You mother♪♪♪♪♪♪♪ piece of ♪♪♪♪!
Yeah, ♪♪♪♪! I'll kick your ♪♪♪,
you ♪♪♪♪ing ♪♪♪♪sucker!
You piece of ♪♪♪♪!
You were born in your mother's ♪♪♪♪,
you ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪.
Jerry, Jerry.
I'm ok.
I'm ok.
Alright, you were born
in your mother's ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
I'll ♪♪♪♪ing kill you!
I'll kill you both!
There you go.
Great.
There you go, I got your hood!
I got your hood!
Settle down. Ok, settle down.
It's ok. Ok, ok.
It's only a television show.
Calm down.
Ok, I'm alright. I'm easy.
Ok. Everything ok?
Alright, get this jerk out of here.
I'll give you a ♪♪♪piece of ♪♪♪...
You mother♪♪♪♪♪♪.
He's biting me!
He's biting me!
The ♪♪♪♪er's biting me!
♪♪♪♪ off, you ♪♪♪♪!
Give me that!
The world is mine!
The world is mine, you ♪♪♪!
You've got mail.
Hello, Basil.
Hello, Austin.
How was your honeymoon?
Well, it turns out
that Vanessa was a Fembot.
Yes, we knew all along, sadly.
Anyway, I have a new assignment
for you, Austin.
You're scheduled for a photo shoot,
and one of the models works for Dr. Evil.
Groovy, baby!
Shaguar!
Show me to the models, baby.
Let the magic begin.
Who have we got today?
Ok, great.
Austin, I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Rebecca Romijn.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Well, of course you haven't had
the pleasure, Rebecca.
We just met, baby, yeah.
Who are you, baby?
Ivana.
Ivana Humpalot.
Excuse me?
Ivana Humpalot.
And Ivana toilet made out of gold,
but it's just not in the cards now is it?
You know.
Ok, everyone.
Let's get started.
Yes! Beautiful!
Feeling it!
Let's get some smiles.
It's all in here.
That's it. Yes.
Let's let the inside out.
Ok, you're an animal!
Yes! There we go!
You're a tiger!
You're Tony the Tiger!
You're great!
Very good.
Loving it.
Now you're a lemur.
Running as a pack.
Yes, yes, we go left.
We go right.
Yes, yes, yes.
There's a predator out in the jungle.
What's going on?
Burrow!
Burrow!
You're a lemur!
It's all you've got!
You don't have sharp teeth
capable of biting.
Make interconnected tunnels I
ike the Vietcong.
And look! Look, look, look, look!
I'm not even shooting you.
It's crazy.
And I'm spent.
Right, that's a wrap, everyone.
Miss Humpalot.
Da, darling?
Shall we?
Give me moment.
Dr. Evil, several years ago we invested
in a small Seattle-based coffee company.
Today, Starbucks offers
premium-quality coffee,
at affordable prices.
Delish.
Dr. Evil,
if we shift our resources
away from evil empires
and toward Starbucks,
we can increase our profits fivefold.
Number Two,
I make the decisions here, ok?
I demand a little respect.
Dr. Evil, you have a little of the...
Silence!
I will not tolerate your insolence!
Frau Farbissina.
How are you?
Very good Doctor.
How are things?
I have come to embrace the love
that dare not speak its name.
To my right is my lover.
We met at the LPGA tour.
Her name is Unibrau.
Right on.
Welcome, Unibrau.
Doctor, you...
What, what?
You have a little...
milk, nose, mustache.
I know.
I know, I know.
Meant to.
It's how we drink it in Belgium.
It's called a Belgian Dip.
Dr. Evil, while you were frozen...
we began a program,
to clone you.
Cool.
Send in the clone!
He is exactly like you in every way...
except one eighth your size.
Breathtaking.
I shall call him...
Mini-Me.
Your stock is rising, Number Two.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Mini-Me, are you hungry?
Something to eat?
Not even a Hot Pocket?
An Eggo?
No. No, we don't gnaw on our kitty.
Leave...
No.
Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.
Just love him and stroke him.
As you know, every diabolical scheme
that I've hatched,
has been thwarted by Austin Powers.
And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Because you never kill him when you
get the chance and you're a big dope?
No, no, no.
No, no.
Down.
Down, Mini-Me.
No.
Austin Powers always defeats me
because he has mojo.
Mojo?
Mojo.
The libido, the life force,
the essence, the right stuff.
What the French call a certain...
I don't know what.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've developed a device
for traveling through time which I call...
A time machine.
Using this time machine,
I'm going to go back to the '60s
and steal Austin Powers' mojo.
If you have a time machine,
why not just go back and kill Austin
when he's sitting on the crapper something?
How about, no, Scott ok?
Why not use your knowledge of the future
to play the stock market?
We could make trillions.
Why make trillions
when we could make...
Billions?
A trillion is more than a billion, numbnuts.
Alright, zip it.
You can't even...
Zip it!
Zip.
Look I'm...
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, ex-zip it A.
Number Two, would you please back...
Look, I'm Zippy Longstocking.
I can...
When a problem comes along,
you must zip it.
Zip it good.
Frau, would you please...
Subtitle: Zip it.
I'm just trying...
Zip!
Would you like to have a suckle
of my zipple?
I want you...
Zip!
Stop...
Zip!
Zip it! Zip it!
This...
You know...
You're like a child.
Talking... If you... Just... One time...
Zip it. Unveil the time portal.
As you know,
Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.
Therefore, I will travel to 1969.
Two years after he was frozen.
He'll be helpless.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about
to travel through time, I bid you adieu.
I'm ok.
I'm ok.
Not turned on, I suppose.
Yeah.
Do you think you could...
Yeah, thanks.
Come, Mini-Me!
Don't be scared, Mini-Me.
Dr. Evil.
Welcome to 1969.
Thank you, Number Two.
You look so healthy and youthful.
Oh thank you.
Heil, doctor.
And Frau, you look so...
Right.
You know, Dr. Evil, I received
your memo from the future.
Your new lair is up and running.
Is it a hollowed-out volcano,
like I asked for?
Of course.
Good.
Then it's all going perfectly to plan.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
When did you get the clapper?
November, 1964.
Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
Do you know how
we keep warm in Russia?
I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
I guessed wrong.
It takes a keen intellect,
to play chess Mr. Powers.
I assume you know how to play.
Of course, baby.
What to do, what to do.
Let me ask you a question.
And be honest.
Do I make you horny, baby?
Do I?
Do I make you randy?
Yeah?
No more games.
Dr. Evil,
sent me here to kill you but, but...
I find you so...
Sexy and...
Yes.
Just make love to me.
Now, Austin Powerovich.
Hurry.
You are hairy, like animal!
Grr, baby.
Very grr.
Make love to me, monkey man.
Dr. Evil, I don't understand how we
can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.
We've tried this before.
The security around Powers is foolproof.
But this time we have an operative
inside the Ministry of Defense.
Really?
Yes, really.
He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo
even as we speak.
Really?
Really.
He's a disgruntled Scottish guard known for
his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits.
He weighs a metric ton.
His name:
Fat Bastard.
We've had reports, there is a spy
in the Ministry of Defense.
The contents of this room
are vital to the country.
Be on special alert.
Yes, sir!
And try to lose some weight,
for God's sake.
Yes, sir!
Mr. English Colonel,
telling me to lose weight.
Oh, I'm a hard case, he says.
Well, listen up Sonny Jim,
I ate a baby!
Oh, aye.
Baby, the other Other White Meat.
Baby, it's what's for dinner.
Oh, I've got your mojo now, sonny Jim!
What's wrong?
Crikey!
I've lost my mojo.
Austin, the test results confirm
that you've lost your mojo.
And it couldn't come at a worse time.
We have evidence that Dr. Evil
has developed a time machine,
and has traveled back to the year 1969.
Luckily, we too have developed
a time-travel device,
to transport you back to the '60s.
This is where you input your destination.
Wait a tick.
Basil, if I travel back to 1969
and I was frozen in 1967,
presumably, I could go visit my frozen self.
But, if I'm still frozen in 1967,
how could I have been unthawed
in the '90s and traveled back to...
Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing and...
just enjoy yourself.
That goes for you all too.
Yes.
This is smashing, Basil.
I'll go back to the '60s,
recharge my mojo,
defeat Dr. Evil and
be back in time for tea.
Swinging '60s, here I come,
baby, yeah!
Move! Move!
Move!
No, Austin, no!
No!
Sorry.
I bet that's expensive.
Quite alright.
Oh, sorry, here we go.
Yes, yes.
Almost.
Sorry!
Easy, easy.
God damn barrels, Austin.
Yeah, see, here we go, here we go.
Alright.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Godspeed, Austin Powers.
I'm home.
Austin Powers!
Austin Powers?
Yes.
I'm back in the '60s, baby, yeah!
Yeah, alright, there you are.
Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey.
Get your hands off my heinie, baby.
Who are you today, baby?
My name is Robin Swallows.
Swallows.
That's an interesting name.
Maiden name is Spitz.
Well, which is it, baby?
Spitz or Swallows?
Those are skintight.
How do you get
into those pants, baby?
You can start by buying me a drink.
I want.
I want.
You better play it cool.
Your friend works for Dr. Evil.
And just who do you work for, baby?
Tell me, Mr. Powers.
Do you swing?
Are you kidding, baby?
I put the grr in swinger, baby!
Then why don't you come right...
over... here.
Ok, I could do that.
Easy.
Cheeky.
Prepare to die, Powers!
Use the machine gun!
Say goodbye, Powers!
Use the bazooka!
No!
The fall will kill us both, Powers!
You can't win, Powers.
Why won't you die?
Care for a ride?
Go! Go! Go!
Go!
Austin Powers, I presume.
Powers by name,
Powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell, CIA.
Shagwell by name,
Shag-very-well by reputation.
Oh, behave.
Not if I can help it.
Yes.
You know what's remarkable,
is how much England looks
in no way like southern California.
Crikey!
We've got company.
It looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Steady now.
Steady.
Hands up.
Do you remember me,
Austin Powers?
I don't recall your name, but your...
fez, is familiar.
My name is Mustafa.
And I'm the man who will be
killing you now.
Who sent you?
You'll have to kill me.
Who sent you?
Kiss my ass, Powers.
Who sent you?
Dr. Evil.
That was easy.
That was easy.
Why did you tell us?
I can't stand to be asked
the same question three times.
It just irritates me.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Why would he tell me?
I'm just one of his
low level functionaries.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
You'll have to torture me,
I'll never tell you.
Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Damn. Three times.
He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Where's Dr. Evil's
secret volcano lair?
I spit at that question!
Do I really have to ask you
two more times?
Go to hell, Powers.
Fine.
Where is Dr. Evil's
secret volcano lair?
I will take it to the grave with me!
You have to answer.
He asked three times.
No, no, no.
No!
The second question was,
Do I really have to ask you
two more times?
That would be the first question
in a new line of questioning,
and wouldn't count
in the other line of questioning.
Yeah, he's right.
I'm just trying to get information
from you man.
I don't need any consistency
in the questions, do I?
No, no, you're preaching
to the converted.
I...
Well, if I'm preaching
to the converted,
then why are you being so slavish
to the three question form is my question?
You're not even looking at me, man.
Now you're just being rude.
You're not listening, man.
Oh, crikey.
Well Austin, I think this time
you may have finally met your match.
Oh no, baby.
I've beaten Dr. Evil before,
and I'll beat him again.
I was talking about me.
Yeah.
Hello, up there.
I seem to have fallen down a cliff.
I'm still alive, but
I'm very badly injured.
I think my legs might be broken,
but I'll try to stand up.
Yes, they are broken.
Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid
or some antibacterial cream.
I'm in an extraordinarily
large amount of pain.
The bone has gone through the skin.
I fear it might be gangrenous.
The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds,
which is not good.
Please?
No one?
Sorry.
I'll try the other leg.
Two of my assassins are dead.
I will not tolerate failure.
I'm the man who will maintain
the dignity of this evil organization.
What the hell was that?
Volcanic eruption!
May I present to you my spy
in the Ministry of Defense:
Fat Bastard.
First things first.
Where's your shitter?
I've got a turtle head poking out.
Charming.
I'm not kidding.
I got a crap on deck
that could choke a donkey.
It's squidgey.
Christ, I'm getting all emotional
from it you know?
Right.
Fat Bastard, could I have
my mojo, please?
Where's my money?
Alright, give him his money.
Jesus Christ, he's tiny.
I've had bigger chunks
of corn in my crap.
Wait a minute.
He kind of looks like a baby.
Come here, I'm gonna eat you!
I'm bigger than you,
I'm higher on the food chain.
Get in my belly!
Come on!
You're lucky, wee man!
Can I have a hug?
Dr. Evil.
Let me make you a deal, alright?
You get the mojo, you keep your money,
and I'll get your baby.
Right.
I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back, baby back, baby back... ribs.
I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back, baby back, baby back... ribs.
Excuse me.
Chili, baby back ribs
Dr. Evil,
what are we going
to do about Powers?
Austin Powers is no longer
a threat to me.
I have his mojo.
Alright, everyone.
You're dismissed.
Private time.
Dr. Evil, I don't want
this to interfere with our work.
Don't worry, mama.
Things won't get weird.
One for me.
And one for my homeys.
Herr Doktor.
Hello.
So, what happened here?
Apparently a rogue agent
named Fat Bastard,
infiltrated the unit assigned
to guard your chamber.
He used some sort of nerve gas.
These men don't remember a thing.
Captain, crosscheck Fat Bastard's profile
with the mainframe at Langley.
Yes, ma'am.
Can I borrow that, please?
Thank you.
Yes, Austin, yes, yes.
Look at me.
I'm a sexy bitch, baby, yeah.
You're a Popsicle, yes.
Yes.
No! No!
And I'm spent.
Let's go, baby. Yeah!
Hey there.
How are you?
Come on, Felicity, come on.
Yeah, babe!
Shall we sit down?
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is great.
Groovy.
So Austin,
what's the future like?
Well, everyone has a flying car,
entire meals come in pill form,
and the Earth is ruled
by damned dirty Apes!
Oh, my God.
Had you for a second.
You can have me for even longer,
if you want.
You're one groovy baby.
Baby.
Too many babies.
Don't you dare move.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach
and Mr. Elvis Costello.
♪ What do you get when you fall in love? ♪
♪ A guy with a pin to burst your bubble ♪
Would you care to dance?
I'd love to.
♪ That's what you get for all your trouble ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
♪ Don't tell me what it's all about ♪
♪ Because I've been there ♪
♪ And I'm glad I'm out ♪
♪ Out of those chains ♪
♪ Those chains that bind you ♪
♪ That is why I'm here to remind you ♪
♪ What do you get when you fall in love ♪
♪ You only get lies and pain and sorrow ♪
♪ So for at least until tomorrow ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
You're quite good on your feet.
I'm even better off my feet.
Oh, behave, baby.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi there.
How are things? Good Herr Doktor.
And you?
Great.
Great.
Just taking a break?
Try the Hot Pockets.
They're breathtaking.
It got weird, didn't it?
Yeah.
I knew it.
You haven't called.
Look, we talked about this.
We promised each other
it wouldn't get weird.
I can't let my feelings for you interfere
with my taking over the world.
You know that.
You know, I will never love
another man.
Yes, that's true.
Yeah.
Dr. Evil,
I'm late.
No, you got here right on time.
No.
I mean, I'm late.
Dad.
Scott.
Hey there, sport.
What are you doing here?
I was just thinking that...
maybe we can work all this out.
After all, you are my father.
Scott,
you had your chance, ok?
I already had someone
created in my image.
He's evil, he wants to take
over the world,
and he fits easily into most
overhead storage bins.
Him?
Yes.
Look at him.
He's crazy.
He's like a vicious little...
Chihuahua thing.
He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Probably.
I love you.
I love you.
I am a sexy bitch, yes.
Felicity,
make yourself at home, baby.
What do you think
of my shag pad, darling?
It's amazing, Austin.
Wait a tick.
That's how my mojo was stolen.
Fat Bastard.
She's a professional agent.
She's not interested in shagging.
Please, God.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.
Austin, I'm waiting.
How about one of your
world famous massages.
You mean a sensual massage?
Right, then.
Ok.
Here we go.
Yes.
Oh, wait a minute.
Something is itching me.
That's better.
Crikey.
How does that feel, baby?
Lower.
How does that feel, baby?
What?
You don't have to be cute with me.
We're way past that.
We are?
What do you think?
Listen Felicity.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I have to go.
Is it me?
I can't explain.
Hello, Agent Shagwell.
Where's Austin?
I must've said something wrong,
so he just left all of a sudden.
Listen Felicity,
I don't want you getting
too close to Austin.
It's not meant to be.
I don't get too close
to anybody, Basil.
My interest is purely professional.
Good.
Then you won't mind tracking down
Fat Bastard tonight.
No problem.
We need you to plant this homing device
on him by any means necessary.
No problem.
Keep up the good work.
Remember, by any means necessary.
Look at yourself.
You used to be so virile.
You were a swinger, man.
And now you're nothing.
But at least it can't get any worse.
Well, surprise, surprise?
Look at that meal.
I'm dead sexy.
Look at my sexy body.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, look, I'm like a singer.
♪ Sexy man, sexy man. ♪
♪ Eating like a sexy man can ♪
By the way,
would you like some chicken?
I've got more.
No, thanks.
Let's see, what have we got here?
I'm done with that.
Alright then.
I'll just put this down here.
Remember, by any means necessary.
Must've eaten them already.
Frisky, are we?
Give it up!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're about to begin phase two
of our evil project.
Or is it phase?
I don't know phases.
Anyways,
this is the phase in which we put a giant...
laser on the moon.
As you know,
the moon rotates around
the Earth, like so...
When the moon reaches
its appropriate lunar alignment,
it will destroy Washington, D.C.
You see, I've turned the moon
into what I like to call,
A death star.
What?
No nothing Darth.
What did you call me?
No, nothing.
Rip-off!
Bless you.
Anyways, the key to this plan
is the giant laser.
It was invented by the noted
Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.
Therefore we shall call it,
the Alan Parsons Project.
Oh, my God.
What now?
The Alan Parsons Project
is a progressive rock band in 1982.
Why don't you just call it
Operation Wang Chung, ass.
Well, what should we...
Nothing.
I'm sure Operation Bananarama
will be huge.
What are you saying?
If you...
Trying to be hip...
WWWdot... dot COM
Dot-org.
You're so...
Dr. Evil, if we could put aside
the family squabbling for a moment...
I think we can get down
to some serious business here.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't like that insolent tone.
I meant nothing by it.
No, no, no, no.
You want to run things here?
No, not at all.
You wanna be daddy?
Is that it, Number Two?
You wanna wear the daddy pants?
Are you gonna cry?
Are you gonna cry?
I don't think so.
You gonna cry?
You gonna cry?
Are you gonna squirt some?
Are you gonna cry?
Yeah, see, you're gonna cry? You're a big man now?
Yeah.
Thought so.
Felicity.
Austin.
About what happened last night.
That's ok.
You don't have to explain.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
You see...
I've lost my mojo.
So that's why you...
Yes, yes.
I thought you didn't like me.
Oh, no, baby.
You're very shagadelic.
I just didn't wanna fall in love again,
and I thought you'd never love me
without my mojo.
It's not you.
You're fab.
You're switched on.
You're a bit of alright, yes.
That is so great.
There's something
I should tell you too.
Last night, I planted a homing
device on Fat Bastard.
Smashing baby, then we can track down
Fat Bastard, get my mojo,
go back to my place, hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.
But there is more.
In order to get close
to Fat Bastard, I had to...
Hello, hello!
The signal's coming through.
He's at Paddington Station.
Let's go!
We're close, baby.
This way.
This way straight, no, no, left.
Through here.
We've got him.
Private, bring up the ram.
Go, go, go!
Where is he?
Oh, my God!
Fat Bastard left a floater!
In the name of all things sacred,
that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!
Somebody flush it down.
No, no.
Nobody touch anything.
We have to get this sample
to the lab to be analyzed.
I'm gonna get it.
Austin, there you are.
Has the sample been analyzed?
Cor, baby.
You look very shagadelic, yeah.
But do we really have to be here, Felicity?
I mean, it's so boring.
I don't believe in science.
When it comes to the spy game to me,
it's all instinct.
Hello, everybody.
Hello, Basil.
The results are in.
We've discovered trace elements
of a rare vegetable,
found only on one island,
here, in the Caribbean.
Whoop-dee-doo!
What does it all mean, Basil?
It means that this is the location
of Dr. Evil's lair.
Smashing, Basil.
Cor.
This coffee smells like shit.
It is shit, Austin.
Oh, good, then it's not just me.
It's a bit nutty.
Excuse me, Dr. Evil.
I have to speak to you
about this Mini-Me.
He's not fitting in?
Is he giving off too much
of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?
No, it's just that,
he bites.
He's a biter.
What's wrong, Mini-Me?
Something you wanna tell us?
Teething.
Yeah.
Get me the president
of the United States of America!
He's on.
What do you want, Dr. Evil?
Mr. President, in 12 hours,
I will destroy Washington D.C.
with this giant laser.
What the...
Jesus.
Mini-Me.
Stop humping the laser.
Ok. Honest to God.
Why don't you and the giant laser
get a fricking room, for God sakes?
Mr. President.
After I destroy Washington D. C.
I will destroy another major city
every hour, on the hour.
That is, unless of course you pay me.
One hundred billion dollars.
Doctor Evil, this is 1969.
That amount of money
doesn't even exist.
That's like saying,
I want a kajillion-bajillion dollars.
Come on, Mr. President.
Show me the money.
Show you what money?
Show me the money!
Show me the money!
You had me at hello. Tear.
Nothing? No?
It's 1969.
Jerry Maguire won't even come out
for another 30 years.
Nobody knows what
you're talking about, ass.
Scott, Daddy's working.
Ok?
And when you're in the main chamber,
try and use the big-boy voice, ok?
Thank you.
Mr. President,
allow me to demonstrate the awesome
lethality of the Alan Parsons Project.
Fire the laser!
Damage report!
Damage report!
It's ok.
It's alright, come on.
Actually, that was just footage
from the movie Independence Day,
but the real laser would be
a lot like that. Yeah.
Scary.
Now, Dr. Evil...
Talk to the hand, because the face
don't want to hear it anymore.
What hand?
Talk to your hand?
You ain't all that and a bag
of potato chips.
What are you talking about?
Don't go there, girlfriend.
Whose girlfriend?
Don't mess with me.
I'm one crazy mofo.
I had to pop a cop because he
wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown.
No?
I heard that somewhere.
You're an idiot.
Mr. President,
I think we have an understanding.
Bye-bye.
Dr. Evil, what are our plans
regarding Austin Powers?
Austin Powers?
He's the snake to my mongoose.
Or the mongoose to my snake.
Either way, it's bad.
I don't know animals.
But I do know this.
This time it's personal.
Kill him.
There's Dr. Evil's island.
Let's set up camp.
Be careful with that bag.
There's explosives in it.
This could be dangerous.
♪ What if God was one of us ♪
♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪
Well done.
Very good.
Dr. Evil. That was fantastic.
Thank you, Number Two.
I wrote that.
Yeah.
Dad, he put this in my bed.
Who?
Your stupid Mini-You.
He put roadkill in my sheets!
What, Mini-Me?
Don't you ever do that again!
You hear me?
Don't you ever do that again!
I can't stay mad at you.
Look at that ponem.
Dr. Evil's headquarters
is right over that next ridge.
Let me look.
Yeah.
Damn it.
How do we get in?
Hello, Mommy.
Mommy, can I have some chocolates?
I want some Mars Bars.
Austin!
Don't smack my bottom, Mommy!
Austin.
Sorry, love.
I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
Let's look at the map.
Oh, great.
Austin what's our plan?
According to this map,
the entire island is crawling
with Dr. Evil's guards.
I wanna make sure the explosives
didn't get wet, but I can't find them.
Look in the bottom.
Ok. I'll dig a little deeper.
This bag is really full.
Just keep digging, darling.
I'll just feel around for them.
Good Lord, Austin.
What sort of things
do you keep in here?
Anything that catches my fancy.
My God.
Give it a good tug.
Oh.
Do we really need this?
I'll ask you not to open that inside,
thank you very much, ok?
Oh, my God.
It went off.
Yes.
It does that from time to time.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's nasty.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Smelly.
These people make me sick.
Can you snap me a beer?
What is it?
It's a gerbil.
How did that get in your bag?
I don't know.
Dr. Evil,
We have a problem.
Austin Powers is on the island.
Bring him to me.
Alive.
You.
Hit it!
This is a very sensitive subject.
Yeah.
♪ From the moment I heard Frau ♪
♪ Say I had a clone ♪
♪ I knew that I'd be safe ♪
♪ Because I'd never be alone ♪
♪ An evil doctor shouldn't speak ♪
♪ Aloud about his feelings ♪
♪ My hurt and my pain ♪
♪ Don't make me too appealing ♪
♪ I'd hoped Scott would look up to me ♪
♪ Run the business of the family ♪
♪ Head an evil empire ♪
♪ Just like his dear old dad ♪
♪ Give him my love ♪
♪ And the things I never had ♪
♪ Scott would think ♪
♪ I was a cool guy ♪
♪ Return the love I have ♪
♪ Make me want to cry ♪
♪ Be evil but have my feelings too ♪
♪ Change my life with Oprah ♪
♪ And Maya Angelou ♪
♪ But Scott rejected me ♪
♪ C'est la vie ♪
♪ Life is cruel ♪
♪ Treat you unfairly ♪
♪ Even so ♪
♪ A God there must be ♪
♪ Mini-Me, you complete me ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ You and I ♪
You've got this packed really tight.
Are you ok?
Yeah, I just got a bit
of a back cramp, that's all.
Just keep packing it in.
God.
I found the explosives.
Help me check them.
You're surrounded!
Drop your weapons!
Hands up!
Move out!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in just a few moments,
we're gonna place
a giant laser on the moon.
From my death star,
I will destroy every city on the planet.
Get out of it!
Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell,
welcome to my hollowed out volcano.
This is my associate, Fat Bastard.
Felicity, I think you two may
have already met.
Unfortunately.
Oh, is that all the thanks I get
for the night of hot sex?
I'm dead sexy.
You were crap.
Yes.
In your dreams.
Felicity would never sleep with you.
Right?
I did what I had to do.
I'm a secret agent.
What?
Alright, that's enough, Fat Bastard.
As much as I like seeing Powers
in agony and I do,
the thought of you naked is just gross.
You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers.
I have your mojo.
My mojo...
And I'm taking it with me to the moon.
Put them in the jail cell!
My mojo!
I'll get you, Dr. Evil, I'll get you!
Oh, look at me, I'm shaking
in my little space boots.
I want my mojo!
Give back my mojo!
Great plan, Einstein.
Well, you're gonna put them in a cell
with one inept guard and they'll escape.
God, you do this every time.
You know Scott.
I've been a fricking evil doctor
for 30 fricking years, ok?
Cut me some fricking slack.
You forget, Scott.
We're in a volcano.
We're surrounded by liquid-hot magma.
What are you drawing?
It's just a goodbye card, that's all.
It's sweet.
Hey, back off.
Get him, get the baby!
Back off!
Simmer down. Simmer down.
Get in there!
Gnaw on him!
He's my posse.
Ok.
You take special care of him.
He's my special boy.
Attention.
Prepare for launch.
Repeat, all technicians
to launch positions.
Gentlemen.
I'm about to go to the moon.
Initiate prelaunch sequence.
Main rocket engine ignition.
Frau.
Begin the countdown.
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two...
Frau.
Begin the countdown at 30.
30!
29.
28.
27.
26.
25.
24.
23.
22.
21.
20.
19.
18.
17.
16.
15.
14.
13...
You know what?
When the doors close,
just say go. Better.
Go!
Colonel, you better take a look
at this radar.
What is it, son?
I don't know, sir,
but it looks like a giant...
Dick?
Yeah?
Take a look out of starboard.
Oh, my God!
It looks like a huge...
Pecker!
Where?
Wait, that's not a woodpecker.
It looks like someone's...
Privates!
We have reports
of an unidentified flying object!
It is a long, smooth shaft,
complete with...
Two balls!
What is that?
That looks just like an enormous...
Wang!
Pay attention.
I was distracted,
by that enormous flying...
Willie.
Yeah?
What's that?
Well, it looks like a giant...
Johnson.
Yes, sir.
Get on the horn to British intelligence
and let them know about this.
What do we do?
Why don't you just shag
Fat Bastard again?
Austin, this is no time to get jealous.
Well, how could you do it?
I was just doing my job.
No, I mean literally.
How could you do it?
The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics
of it are mind-boggling.
Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me
just because you lost your mojo.
Ouch, baby.
Very ouch.
Look Austin, we're running out of time.
I'm sorry.
I just did what I thought you would do
in the same situation.
You're the reason that I became a spy.
I thought that I wanted to be you,
but then I realized...
that I wanna be with you.
You do?
Yeah.
Hang on, baby.
Allez-hop!
Look, maybe we should
talk about this later.
First we need to get past
that inept guard.
Right.
Here's the plan.
What about pretend to be
desperately ill with food poisoning.
The guard, drawn by my cries of pain,
comes to investigate.
Meanwhile, you dig a pit,
line it with punji sticks made from
sharpened toothbrushes.
The guard falls in,
Bob's your uncle we escape.
What do you think?
That might work but,
what about this?
What do you think
of these my man?
Mommy!
What a...
burn.
That sort of thing could get a man...
fired.
I think he was...
hot .. for .. you.
That's enough.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my moon base.
You've all been chosen
to be part of my elite moon unit,
which is divided into two divisions:
Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
In exactly six hours, the moon
will move in its orbit around the Earth,
bringing Washington, D. C.
Within range of my giant laser.
Begin laser ignition sequence.
Begin laser ignition!
Attention.
Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.
Initiation sequence in progress.
Ok.
Alright.
Gravity boost to EMS.
Steady at full power.
All I asked for
was a fricking rotating chair, ok?
Oh, ok.
Ok, ok. Ok.
Getting a little afraid.
I need an old priest
and a young priest.
The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!
Hello.
Ok.
Sick as a dog now.
Ok. Ok.
Get him a bucket.
Gonna vom.
We need to hitch a ride to the moon, baby.
Apollo 11 is good to go.
Crew to all stations.
We will have lift off
in T-minus 5 seconds.
4.
3.
2.
We have lift off!
Apollo 11 has cleared the tower
and is heading for a rendez-vous
with the moon.
Arm the laser.
Arming the laser!
Attention, arming the death star.
Battle stations.
Laser armed!
All crew prepare for ready battle stations.
Get me the president.
You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me.
This is the part
where we threaten the world leader.
I know we do it every time.
However, it is important to...
Mini-Me?
Mini-Me?
Where are you?
Can someone put a fricking
bell on him or something?
Great.
Somebody get the stick.
Just grab on to the hook, alright?
You complete me.
I love you.
Hang in there, Mini-Me.
If anything should happen to you,
I don't know what I would do.
I'd probably move on
and get another replica but,
there'd be a 10 minute period there
when I would just be inconsolable.
We have your money Dr. Evil,
but it wasn't easy.
Papa has to do some work, ok?
Well, you have exactly 30 minutes
to get it to me.
Ciao.
Jiminy German Jesus!
I can't believe
we're gonna pay that madman.
I got nukes out the yin-yang.
Just let me launch one, for chrissake!
Sir!
Are you suggesting
that we blow up the moon?
Would you miss it?
Would you miss it?
Mission control,
the swinger has landed, yeah.
Airlock open.
Repressurize.
Let's find Dr. Evil.
Yeah.
Enjoy your stay on the moon.
Hello, hello.
There he is.
I'll cover your rear.
No, you go ahead.
This time, it's personal.
No more!
I can't take it anymore!
Peace?
You brought my glasses.
Bless your little heart.
That's not right, that's...
Oh, don't, that's just...
Now I'm pissed!
Judo flip!
Poor little bugger.
He's so small.
He's like a dog or something.
Poor little bugger.
Get off!
Off!
Ok.
Get out of my suit!
It tickles.
Oh, it tickles. No.
Gotcha.
Poor little bugger.
I salute you.
Alright, slap-head.
Turn around.
Where's my mojo?
Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr. Powers.
Save the world...
or save your girlfriend.
Austin!
Felicity!
Don't worry about me, Austin!
You've gotta save the world!
Kill him!
Fire the laser!
Target locking.
Laser set to full fatality.
Judo kick!
Target missed.
Mojo in trouble now.
You may have won the battle,
Mr. Powers,
but you lost the war.
No!
No, no!
Felicity!
Wake up, Felicity, wake up!
I love you, Felicity.
I love you.
Dr. Evil!
I'll kill him!
Gotcha!
You shot me, you A-hole.
And now I'm going to kill you.
Before you do that,
know this.
Austin.
I am your father.
Really?
No, not really.
I can't back that up.
Right. Idiot.
Yes.
But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers,
that you would rather kill me,
than save your precious Felicity?
What do you mean?
Remember,
there is a time portal
in the main chamber.
You could go back and save her.
I'll do that.
Felicity!
Good work.
Good work!
Good work!
Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr. Powers.
Save the world,
or save your girlfriend.
Austin!
Felicity!
Don't worry about me, Austin!
You've gotta save the world!
I choose love, baby!
Wait a tick.
Who are you?
I'm you, ten minutes from now.
Damn it, you are handsome.
I was just thinking the same.
We are sexy.
We are sexy bitches, yeah.
Alright, this is ri-goddamn-diculous.
Kill them both!
Fire the laser.
Thank you.
Fire the laser!
Listen, Past Austin.
Can you save the world
while I go get the girl?
Sure, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.
Target locking.
Laser set to full fatality.
Target missed.
Come on, come on.
You're alright. Yeah, come on.
You alright?
Are you ok?
Say,
what's the policy on ménage à trois?
You are adorable.
Yes.
Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
My mojo.
Self-destruct in two minutes
and counting.
No!
No!
Watch out!
See you in hell, Powers!
No, my...
Ok, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.
This place is gonna blow!
Let's go! Come on!
Self-destruct in 30 seconds
and counting.
Twenty-nine.
No!
Let's go!
No! My mojo!
We have to go now!
My mojo, I'm useless without it!
You don't need it,
you've had it all along.
What do you mean?
You defeated Dr. Evil,
you saved the world,
and believe me you're
gonna get the girl.
Well.
Yeah. Alright, then maybe later.
Yeah, come on.
Go!
I'll set the controls for 1967.
Felicity, why don't you come
with me to 1999?
Well, I don't know the '60s
were just so groovy I mean.
I wanna to see what happens
in the '70s and '80s.
The '70s and the '80s?
You're not missing anything.
I looked into it.
There's a gas shortage
and A Flock of Seagulls.
That's about it.
Let's go!
I love you, Austin Powers.
And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.
Wherever we go.
There we are.
Special delivery.
Surprise, surprise!
Listen, missy.
Do you fancy another go?
Because once you've had fat,
you never go back.
You shut your mouth you bastard.
Who is fat?
That's right, yeah.
Before you kill us,
let me ask you one question.
Are you happy?
What kind of stupid-ass
question is that?
I'm rich and I'm dead sexy!
Yeah.
Well, you didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?
Of course I'm not happy.
Look at me, I'm a big fat slob.
I've got bigger titties than you do.
I've got more chins
than a Chinese phone book!
I've not seen my willy in two years,
which is long enough,
to declare it legally dead!
I can't stop eating.
I eat because I'm unhappy.
And I'm unhappy because I eat.
It's a vicious cycle.
If you'll excuse me,
there is someone I have
to get in touch with and forgive.
Myself.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
I farted.
It's a long road ahead.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm gonna kill you anyway.
Judo chop!
Right in the mommy-daddy button!
That's for calling me crap, you fatty.
Listen baby, I don't care
if he is a fat bastard.
You don't give a man a shot in the pills.
It's just not cricket.
Do you think I'll be happy
here in the '90s?
Well, I know the '90s
might sound boring.
But as far as I'm concerned.
I've brought the best part
of the '60s back with me.
You.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Did we get Dr. Evil?
No sir, he got away in that rocket
that looks like a huge...
Penis.
The male reproductive organ.
Also known as tallywhacker,
schlong or...
Wiener?
Any of you kids want another wiener?
Dad, what's that?
I don't know son, but it's got great big...
Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!
Who wants some...
Lord almighty!
That looks just like my husband's...
One-eyed monster!
Step right up and see
the one-eyed monster!
Hey, what's that? It looks like a big...
Woody?
Woody Harrelson?
Can I have your autograph?
Sure, no problem.
Oh, my Lord!
Look at that thing.
It's so big.
I've seen bigger. That's...
Just a little prick.
It's a flu shot.
You've been in the coldness of space.
I don't want you to get sick.
It's one thing to attack me.
It's quite another
to attack my Mini-Me.
I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.
I'm gonna get you.
By LESAIGNEUR
Sync & corrections June 2019
Thank you.
We're doing a follow-up to a segment
we did several months ago,
on fathers who are trying
to take over the world.
Let's begin with Scott Evil.
What's going on with your dad?
Well, my dad tried to take over the world
with a giant laser on the moon.
I know.
Well, Scott, we have
a surprise for you.
What? My dad?
No, it's not your father.
It's your mother.
Come on out.
Mom, mom, mom.
Mom, mom, mom.
Mom?
Scott,
you are my love child with Dr. Evil.
I thought I was a test-tube baby.
He lies.
All lies!
I love you, Mom.
I love you too, son.
Thank you.
You know, what have
we learned here today?
Perhaps it's that...
no one can take your mojo.
You can look around you want
but what you're really
trying to find is...
on the inside.
Take care of yourself,
and each other.
I think I'm going
to like it in the '90s.
I never knew it could be this way.
Oh, baby! Baby, baby!
Oh, no.
Oh, that's good.
Felicity.
Austin?
How could you?
I thought that...
Past Austin?
Technically, it's not cheating, baby.
Well Felicity,
I can't blame you.
The man is handsome, baby.
We're just plain handsome, man.
Am I wrong, but this makes
me horny, baby?
Very randy!
Well, one thing's for sure.
I've got my mojo back.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's definitely back.
Hello, you alright?
Me spuds are boiling.
Come on, darling, let's hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.
Paging Dr. Freud.
Hello, up there.
Is the movie over?
I'm still down here
and I'm still in quite a lot of pain.
Maybe someone in the lobby
could call an ambulance.
The pain is really quite severe.
I've fashioned a makeshift splint.
Here goes nothing.
We are doing an EVA of the payload.
We are about to present the module with...
What the...
Oh, my gentle Jesus!
Houston,
we have a problem.
Launch procedure commence.
Oh, yeah!
Oh, yes!
Yes!
Oh God.
And I'm spent.
Do you smoke after sex?
I don't know baby, I never looked.
Austin.
What shall we do now?
Well, I've got an idea.
Why don't we shag?
Again?
Sure, baby. We're only up
to chapter 11 in the Kamasutra.
Don't you wanna try the Wheelbarrow
or the Praying Donkey,
or the Chinese Shag Swing?
I'm gonna get us some more
champagne, Jungle Boy.
I'm gonna get us some more
champagne, Jungle Boy.
Are you ok?
I've never felt better, Austin.
Alright, then.
I'm just gonna go watch a movie.
Hey, In Like Flint.
That's my favorite movie.
Vanessa,
what's going on?
I don't know what you mean, Austin.
I'm the same...
You must...
Oh, my God!
Vanessa!
You're a Fembot!
No shit, Sherlock.
Machine-gun jubblies?
How did I miss those, baby?
Perhaps next time
you should try foreplay.
Right.
Oh, my God.
Here's your wedding present,
Mr. Powers.
A kamikaze bride from me...
Dr. Evil.
Oh, thank God.
I can't believe Vanessa,
my bride,
my one true love,
the woman who taught me
the beauty of monogamy...
was a Fembot...
all along.
Wait a tick?
That means I'm single again.
Oh, behave!
Yeah!
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Halt!
Disgusting.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Yeah.
Hey, how are you?
Good to see you.
Good.
Hey. Yeah.
Revolting.
What's that?
What's that?
Yes. Yeah, that looks
good on you, man!
Hey, what's going on?
Good to see you guys.
Yes.
Good to see you.
Yeah.
Rabbis, how are you?
Nice to meat.
Yes, nice meat.
Photo op.
Yeah, baby.
Keep a close eye on that
Kreplachistan situation.
Sir.
Jerry, Jerry.
Ok.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
If you just joined us, today's topic is:
My father is evil and
he wants to take over the world.
Ok, let's meet Scott Evil.
Hi, Scott.
Nice to have you with us.
Thanks, Jerry.
Tell us about your father.
Well, my dad is the head
of a worldwide evil organization,
with aspirations of world domination.
Pretty serious stuff.
Where is he now?
He's like...
cryogenically frozen,
orbiting the Earth or something.
That's what you think.
But we have a surprise for you, Scott.
Ok, let's bring out Scott's father, Dr. Evil.
What?
I didn't... What?
General, we've got a situation here.
What is it, sergeant?
Hello, Scott.
Daddy's back.
How could you do this to me?
On national television.
Well, throw me
a fricking bone here, Scott.
Why'd you run out on me?
Because you're not quite evil enough.
Well, it's true.
You're quasi-evil.
You're semi-evil.
You're the margarine of evil.
You're the Diet Coke of evil.
Just one calorie.
Not evil enough.
What are you?
Some kind of freak?
Hey, shut up, ♪♪♪♪off!
Ok. Ok, come on.
I'll kick your ♪♪♪, punk!
Bring it on, you skanky ♪♪♪♪♪.
Alright, alright.
Come on.
No one talks to my son like that.
It's ok.
You mother♪♪♪♪♪♪♪ piece of ♪♪♪♪!
Yeah, ♪♪♪♪! I'll kick your ♪♪♪,
you ♪♪♪♪ing ♪♪♪♪sucker!
You piece of ♪♪♪♪!
You were born in your mother's ♪♪♪♪,
you ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪♪.
Jerry, Jerry.
I'm ok.
I'm ok.
Alright, you were born
in your mother's ♪♪♪♪♪♪♪
I'll ♪♪♪♪ing kill you!
I'll kill you both!
There you go.
Great.
There you go, I got your hood!
I got your hood!
Settle down. Ok, settle down.
It's ok. Ok, ok.
It's only a television show.
Calm down.
Ok, I'm alright. I'm easy.
Ok. Everything ok?
Alright, get this jerk out of here.
I'll give you a ♪♪♪piece of ♪♪♪...
You mother♪♪♪♪♪♪.
He's biting me!
He's biting me!
The ♪♪♪♪er's biting me!
♪♪♪♪ off, you ♪♪♪♪!
Give me that!
The world is mine!
The world is mine, you ♪♪♪!
You've got mail.
Hello, Basil.
Hello, Austin.
How was your honeymoon?
Well, it turns out
that Vanessa was a Fembot.
Yes, we knew all along, sadly.
Anyway, I have a new assignment
for you, Austin.
You're scheduled for a photo shoot,
and one of the models works for Dr. Evil.
Groovy, baby!
Shaguar!
Show me to the models, baby.
Let the magic begin.
Who have we got today?
Ok, great.
Austin, I've heard a lot about you.
I'm Rebecca Romijn.
I don't believe I've had the pleasure.
Well, of course you haven't had
the pleasure, Rebecca.
We just met, baby, yeah.
Who are you, baby?
Ivana.
Ivana Humpalot.
Excuse me?
Ivana Humpalot.
And Ivana toilet made out of gold,
but it's just not in the cards now is it?
You know.
Ok, everyone.
Let's get started.
Yes! Beautiful!
Feeling it!
Let's get some smiles.
It's all in here.
That's it. Yes.
Let's let the inside out.
Ok, you're an animal!
Yes! There we go!
You're a tiger!
You're Tony the Tiger!
You're great!
Very good.
Loving it.
Now you're a lemur.
Running as a pack.
Yes, yes, we go left.
We go right.
Yes, yes, yes.
There's a predator out in the jungle.
What's going on?
Burrow!
Burrow!
You're a lemur!
It's all you've got!
You don't have sharp teeth
capable of biting.
Make interconnected tunnels I
ike the Vietcong.
And look! Look, look, look, look!
I'm not even shooting you.
It's crazy.
And I'm spent.
Right, that's a wrap, everyone.
Miss Humpalot.
Da, darling?
Shall we?
Give me moment.
Dr. Evil, several years ago we invested
in a small Seattle-based coffee company.
Today, Starbucks offers
premium-quality coffee,
at affordable prices.
Delish.
Dr. Evil,
if we shift our resources
away from evil empires
and toward Starbucks,
we can increase our profits fivefold.
Number Two,
I make the decisions here, ok?
I demand a little respect.
Dr. Evil, you have a little of the...
Silence!
I will not tolerate your insolence!
Frau Farbissina.
How are you?
Very good Doctor.
How are things?
I have come to embrace the love
that dare not speak its name.
To my right is my lover.
We met at the LPGA tour.
Her name is Unibrau.
Right on.
Welcome, Unibrau.
Doctor, you...
What, what?
You have a little...
milk, nose, mustache.
I know.
I know, I know.
Meant to.
It's how we drink it in Belgium.
It's called a Belgian Dip.
Dr. Evil, while you were frozen...
we began a program,
to clone you.
Cool.
Send in the clone!
He is exactly like you in every way...
except one eighth your size.
Breathtaking.
I shall call him...
Mini-Me.
Your stock is rising, Number Two.
Come, Mr. Bigglesworth.
Mini-Me, are you hungry?
Something to eat?
Not even a Hot Pocket?
An Eggo?
No. No, we don't gnaw on our kitty.
Leave...
No.
Leave Mini-Mr. Bigglesworth alone.
Just love him and stroke him.
As you know, every diabolical scheme
that I've hatched,
has been thwarted by Austin Powers.
And why is that, ladies and gentlemen?
Because you never kill him when you
get the chance and you're a big dope?
No, no, no.
No, no.
Down.
Down, Mini-Me.
No.
Austin Powers always defeats me
because he has mojo.
Mojo?
Mojo.
The libido, the life force,
the essence, the right stuff.
What the French call a certain...
I don't know what.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I've developed a device
for traveling through time which I call...
A time machine.
Using this time machine,
I'm going to go back to the '60s
and steal Austin Powers' mojo.
If you have a time machine,
why not just go back and kill Austin
when he's sitting on the crapper something?
How about, no, Scott ok?
Why not use your knowledge of the future
to play the stock market?
We could make trillions.
Why make trillions
when we could make...
Billions?
A trillion is more than a billion, numbnuts.
Alright, zip it.
You can't even...
Zip it!
Zip.
Look I'm...
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury, ex-zip it A.
Number Two, would you please back...
Look, I'm Zippy Longstocking.
I can...
When a problem comes along,
you must zip it.
Zip it good.
Frau, would you please...
Subtitle: Zip it.
I'm just trying...
Zip!
Would you like to have a suckle
of my zipple?
I want you...
Zip!
Stop...
Zip!
Zip it! Zip it!
This...
You know...
You're like a child.
Talking... If you... Just... One time...
Zip it. Unveil the time portal.
As you know,
Austin Powers was frozen in 1967.
Therefore, I will travel to 1969.
Two years after he was frozen.
He'll be helpless.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'm about
to travel through time, I bid you adieu.
I'm ok.
I'm ok.
Not turned on, I suppose.
Yeah.
Do you think you could...
Yeah, thanks.
Come, Mini-Me!
Don't be scared, Mini-Me.
Dr. Evil.
Welcome to 1969.
Thank you, Number Two.
You look so healthy and youthful.
Oh thank you.
Heil, doctor.
And Frau, you look so...
Right.
You know, Dr. Evil, I received
your memo from the future.
Your new lair is up and running.
Is it a hollowed-out volcano,
like I asked for?
Of course.
Good.
Then it's all going perfectly to plan.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
When did you get the clapper?
November, 1964.
Dutch East Indies, shore leave.
Do you know how
we keep warm in Russia?
I can guess, baby.
We play chess.
I guessed wrong.
It takes a keen intellect,
to play chess Mr. Powers.
I assume you know how to play.
Of course, baby.
What to do, what to do.
Let me ask you a question.
And be honest.
Do I make you horny, baby?
Do I?
Do I make you randy?
Yeah?
No more games.
Dr. Evil,
sent me here to kill you but, but...
I find you so...
Sexy and...
Yes.
Just make love to me.
Now, Austin Powerovich.
Hurry.
You are hairy, like animal!
Grr, baby.
Very grr.
Make love to me, monkey man.
Dr. Evil, I don't understand how we
can hope to steal Austin Powers' mojo.
We've tried this before.
The security around Powers is foolproof.
But this time we have an operative
inside the Ministry of Defense.
Really?
Yes, really.
He's stealing Austin Powers' mojo
even as we speak.
Really?
Really.
He's a disgruntled Scottish guard known for
his lethal temper and his unusual eating habits.
He weighs a metric ton.
His name:
Fat Bastard.
We've had reports, there is a spy
in the Ministry of Defense.
The contents of this room
are vital to the country.
Be on special alert.
Yes, sir!
And try to lose some weight,
for God's sake.
Yes, sir!
Mr. English Colonel,
telling me to lose weight.
Oh, I'm a hard case, he says.
Well, listen up Sonny Jim,
I ate a baby!
Oh, aye.
Baby, the other Other White Meat.
Baby, it's what's for dinner.
Oh, I've got your mojo now, sonny Jim!
What's wrong?
Crikey!
I've lost my mojo.
Austin, the test results confirm
that you've lost your mojo.
And it couldn't come at a worse time.
We have evidence that Dr. Evil
has developed a time machine,
and has traveled back to the year 1969.
Luckily, we too have developed
a time-travel device,
to transport you back to the '60s.
This is where you input your destination.
Wait a tick.
Basil, if I travel back to 1969
and I was frozen in 1967,
presumably, I could go visit my frozen self.
But, if I'm still frozen in 1967,
how could I have been unthawed
in the '90s and traveled back to...
Oh, no, I've gone cross-eyed.
I suggest you don't worry about this sort of thing and...
just enjoy yourself.
That goes for you all too.
Yes.
This is smashing, Basil.
I'll go back to the '60s,
recharge my mojo,
defeat Dr. Evil and
be back in time for tea.
Swinging '60s, here I come,
baby, yeah!
Move! Move!
Move!
No, Austin, no!
No!
Sorry.
I bet that's expensive.
Quite alright.
Oh, sorry, here we go.
Yes, yes.
Almost.
Sorry!
Easy, easy.
God damn barrels, Austin.
Yeah, see, here we go, here we go.
Alright.
Yeah, baby, yeah!
Godspeed, Austin Powers.
I'm home.
Austin Powers!
Austin Powers?
Yes.
I'm back in the '60s, baby, yeah!
Yeah, alright, there you are.
Yeah!
Hey, hey, hey.
Get your hands off my heinie, baby.
Who are you today, baby?
My name is Robin Swallows.
Swallows.
That's an interesting name.
Maiden name is Spitz.
Well, which is it, baby?
Spitz or Swallows?
Those are skintight.
How do you get
into those pants, baby?
You can start by buying me a drink.
I want.
I want.
You better play it cool.
Your friend works for Dr. Evil.
And just who do you work for, baby?
Tell me, Mr. Powers.
Do you swing?
Are you kidding, baby?
I put the grr in swinger, baby!
Then why don't you come right...
over... here.
Ok, I could do that.
Easy.
Cheeky.
Prepare to die, Powers!
Use the machine gun!
Say goodbye, Powers!
Use the bazooka!
No!
The fall will kill us both, Powers!
You can't win, Powers.
Why won't you die?
Care for a ride?
Go! Go! Go!
Go!
Austin Powers, I presume.
Powers by name,
Powers by reputation.
Felicity Shagwell, CIA.
Shagwell by name,
Shag-very-well by reputation.
Oh, behave.
Not if I can help it.
Yes.
You know what's remarkable,
is how much England looks
in no way like southern California.
Crikey!
We've got company.
It looks like one of Dr. Evil's assassins.
Steady now.
Steady.
Hands up.
Do you remember me,
Austin Powers?
I don't recall your name, but your...
fez, is familiar.
My name is Mustafa.
And I'm the man who will be
killing you now.
Who sent you?
You'll have to kill me.
Who sent you?
Kiss my ass, Powers.
Who sent you?
Dr. Evil.
That was easy.
That was easy.
Why did you tell us?
I can't stand to be asked
the same question three times.
It just irritates me.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
Why would he tell me?
I'm just one of his
low level functionaries.
Where is Dr. Evil hiding?
You'll have to torture me,
I'll never tell you.
Where's Dr. Evil hiding?
Damn. Three times.
He's hiding in the secret volcano lair.
Where's Dr. Evil's
secret volcano lair?
I spit at that question!
Do I really have to ask you
two more times?
Go to hell, Powers.
Fine.
Where is Dr. Evil's
secret volcano lair?
I will take it to the grave with me!
You have to answer.
He asked three times.
No, no, no.
No!
The second question was,
Do I really have to ask you
two more times?
That would be the first question
in a new line of questioning,
and wouldn't count
in the other line of questioning.
Yeah, he's right.
I'm just trying to get information
from you man.
I don't need any consistency
in the questions, do I?
No, no, you're preaching
to the converted.
I...
Well, if I'm preaching
to the converted,
then why are you being so slavish
to the three question form is my question?
You're not even looking at me, man.
Now you're just being rude.
You're not listening, man.
Oh, crikey.
Well Austin, I think this time
you may have finally met your match.
Oh no, baby.
I've beaten Dr. Evil before,
and I'll beat him again.
I was talking about me.
Yeah.
Hello, up there.
I seem to have fallen down a cliff.
I'm still alive, but
I'm very badly injured.
I think my legs might be broken,
but I'll try to stand up.
Yes, they are broken.
Perhaps you could toss me a Band-Aid
or some antibacterial cream.
I'm in an extraordinarily
large amount of pain.
The bone has gone through the skin.
I fear it might be gangrenous.
The wound is beginning to smell a little like almonds,
which is not good.
Please?
No one?
Sorry.
I'll try the other leg.
Two of my assassins are dead.
I will not tolerate failure.
I'm the man who will maintain
the dignity of this evil organization.
What the hell was that?
Volcanic eruption!
May I present to you my spy
in the Ministry of Defense:
Fat Bastard.
First things first.
Where's your shitter?
I've got a turtle head poking out.
Charming.
I'm not kidding.
I got a crap on deck
that could choke a donkey.
It's squidgey.
Christ, I'm getting all emotional
from it you know?
Right.
Fat Bastard, could I have
my mojo, please?
Where's my money?
Alright, give him his money.
Jesus Christ, he's tiny.
I've had bigger chunks
of corn in my crap.
Wait a minute.
He kind of looks like a baby.
Come here, I'm gonna eat you!
I'm bigger than you,
I'm higher on the food chain.
Get in my belly!
Come on!
You're lucky, wee man!
Can I have a hug?
Dr. Evil.
Let me make you a deal, alright?
You get the mojo, you keep your money,
and I'll get your baby.
Right.
I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back, baby back, baby back... ribs.
I want my baby back, baby back,
baby back, baby back, baby back... ribs.
Excuse me.
Chili, baby back ribs
Dr. Evil,
what are we going
to do about Powers?
Austin Powers is no longer
a threat to me.
I have his mojo.
Alright, everyone.
You're dismissed.
Private time.
Dr. Evil, I don't want
this to interfere with our work.
Don't worry, mama.
Things won't get weird.
One for me.
And one for my homeys.
Herr Doktor.
Hello.
So, what happened here?
Apparently a rogue agent
named Fat Bastard,
infiltrated the unit assigned
to guard your chamber.
He used some sort of nerve gas.
These men don't remember a thing.
Captain, crosscheck Fat Bastard's profile
with the mainframe at Langley.
Yes, ma'am.
Can I borrow that, please?
Thank you.
Yes, Austin, yes, yes.
Look at me.
I'm a sexy bitch, baby, yeah.
You're a Popsicle, yes.
Yes.
No! No!
And I'm spent.
Let's go, baby. Yeah!
Hey there.
How are you?
Come on, Felicity, come on.
Yeah, babe!
Shall we sit down?
Yeah.
Yeah.
This is great.
Groovy.
So Austin,
what's the future like?
Well, everyone has a flying car,
entire meals come in pill form,
and the Earth is ruled
by damned dirty Apes!
Oh, my God.
Had you for a second.
You can have me for even longer,
if you want.
You're one groovy baby.
Baby.
Too many babies.
Don't you dare move.
Ladies and gentlemen, Mr. Burt Bacharach
and Mr. Elvis Costello.
♪ What do you get when you fall in love? ♪
♪ A guy with a pin to burst your bubble ♪
Would you care to dance?
I'd love to.
♪ That's what you get for all your trouble ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
♪ Don't tell me what it's all about ♪
♪ Because I've been there ♪
♪ And I'm glad I'm out ♪
♪ Out of those chains ♪
♪ Those chains that bind you ♪
♪ That is why I'm here to remind you ♪
♪ What do you get when you fall in love ♪
♪ You only get lies and pain and sorrow ♪
♪ So for at least until tomorrow ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
♪ I'll never fall in love again ♪
You're quite good on your feet.
I'm even better off my feet.
Oh, behave, baby.
Hi.
Hi.
Hi there.
How are things? Good Herr Doktor.
And you?
Great.
Great.
Just taking a break?
Try the Hot Pockets.
They're breathtaking.
It got weird, didn't it?
Yeah.
I knew it.
You haven't called.
Look, we talked about this.
We promised each other
it wouldn't get weird.
I can't let my feelings for you interfere
with my taking over the world.
You know that.
You know, I will never love
another man.
Yes, that's true.
Yeah.
Dr. Evil,
I'm late.
No, you got here right on time.
No.
I mean, I'm late.
Dad.
Scott.
Hey there, sport.
What are you doing here?
I was just thinking that...
maybe we can work all this out.
After all, you are my father.
Scott,
you had your chance, ok?
I already had someone
created in my image.
He's evil, he wants to take
over the world,
and he fits easily into most
overhead storage bins.
Him?
Yes.
Look at him.
He's crazy.
He's like a vicious little...
Chihuahua thing.
He'll kill me the first chance he gets.
Probably.
I love you.
I love you.
I am a sexy bitch, yes.
Felicity,
make yourself at home, baby.
What do you think
of my shag pad, darling?
It's amazing, Austin.
Wait a tick.
That's how my mojo was stolen.
Fat Bastard.
She's a professional agent.
She's not interested in shagging.
Please, God.
Spectacles, testicles, wallet and watch.
Austin, I'm waiting.
How about one of your
world famous massages.
You mean a sensual massage?
Right, then.
Ok.
Here we go.
Yes.
Oh, wait a minute.
Something is itching me.
That's better.
Crikey.
How does that feel, baby?
Lower.
How does that feel, baby?
What?
You don't have to be cute with me.
We're way past that.
We are?
What do you think?
Listen Felicity.
I'm sorry.
I can't do this.
I have to go.
Is it me?
I can't explain.
Hello, Agent Shagwell.
Where's Austin?
I must've said something wrong,
so he just left all of a sudden.
Listen Felicity,
I don't want you getting
too close to Austin.
It's not meant to be.
I don't get too close
to anybody, Basil.
My interest is purely professional.
Good.
Then you won't mind tracking down
Fat Bastard tonight.
No problem.
We need you to plant this homing device
on him by any means necessary.
No problem.
Keep up the good work.
Remember, by any means necessary.
Look at yourself.
You used to be so virile.
You were a swinger, man.
And now you're nothing.
But at least it can't get any worse.
Well, surprise, surprise?
Look at that meal.
I'm dead sexy.
Look at my sexy body.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, look, I'm like a singer.
♪ Sexy man, sexy man. ♪
♪ Eating like a sexy man can ♪
By the way,
would you like some chicken?
I've got more.
No, thanks.
Let's see, what have we got here?
I'm done with that.
Alright then.
I'll just put this down here.
Remember, by any means necessary.
Must've eaten them already.
Frisky, are we?
Give it up!
Ladies and gentlemen,
we're about to begin phase two
of our evil project.
Or is it phase?
I don't know phases.
Anyways,
this is the phase in which we put a giant...
laser on the moon.
As you know,
the moon rotates around
the Earth, like so...
When the moon reaches
its appropriate lunar alignment,
it will destroy Washington, D.C.
You see, I've turned the moon
into what I like to call,
A death star.
What?
No nothing Darth.
What did you call me?
No, nothing.
Rip-off!
Bless you.
Anyways, the key to this plan
is the giant laser.
It was invented by the noted
Cambridge physicist Dr. Parsons.
Therefore we shall call it,
the Alan Parsons Project.
Oh, my God.
What now?
The Alan Parsons Project
is a progressive rock band in 1982.
Why don't you just call it
Operation Wang Chung, ass.
Well, what should we...
Nothing.
I'm sure Operation Bananarama
will be huge.
What are you saying?
If you...
Trying to be hip...
WWWdot... dot COM
Dot-org.
You're so...
Dr. Evil, if we could put aside
the family squabbling for a moment...
I think we can get down
to some serious business here.
Really?
Yeah.
I don't like that insolent tone.
I meant nothing by it.
No, no, no, no.
You want to run things here?
No, not at all.
You wanna be daddy?
Is that it, Number Two?
You wanna wear the daddy pants?
Are you gonna cry?
Are you gonna cry?
I don't think so.
You gonna cry?
You gonna cry?
Are you gonna squirt some?
Are you gonna cry?
Yeah, see, you're gonna cry? You're a big man now?
Yeah.
Thought so.
Felicity.
Austin.
About what happened last night.
That's ok.
You don't have to explain.
No, no, no, no, no.
You don't understand.
You see...
I've lost my mojo.
So that's why you...
Yes, yes.
I thought you didn't like me.
Oh, no, baby.
You're very shagadelic.
I just didn't wanna fall in love again,
and I thought you'd never love me
without my mojo.
It's not you.
You're fab.
You're switched on.
You're a bit of alright, yes.
That is so great.
There's something
I should tell you too.
Last night, I planted a homing
device on Fat Bastard.
Smashing baby, then we can track down
Fat Bastard, get my mojo,
go back to my place, hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.
But there is more.
In order to get close
to Fat Bastard, I had to...
Hello, hello!
The signal's coming through.
He's at Paddington Station.
Let's go!
We're close, baby.
This way.
This way straight, no, no, left.
Through here.
We've got him.
Private, bring up the ram.
Go, go, go!
Where is he?
Oh, my God!
Fat Bastard left a floater!
In the name of all things sacred,
that is the most foul-smelling thing ever!
Somebody flush it down.
No, no.
Nobody touch anything.
We have to get this sample
to the lab to be analyzed.
I'm gonna get it.
Austin, there you are.
Has the sample been analyzed?
Cor, baby.
You look very shagadelic, yeah.
But do we really have to be here, Felicity?
I mean, it's so boring.
I don't believe in science.
When it comes to the spy game to me,
it's all instinct.
Hello, everybody.
Hello, Basil.
The results are in.
We've discovered trace elements
of a rare vegetable,
found only on one island,
here, in the Caribbean.
Whoop-dee-doo!
What does it all mean, Basil?
It means that this is the location
of Dr. Evil's lair.
Smashing, Basil.
Cor.
This coffee smells like shit.
It is shit, Austin.
Oh, good, then it's not just me.
It's a bit nutty.
Excuse me, Dr. Evil.
I have to speak to you
about this Mini-Me.
He's not fitting in?
Is he giving off too much
of a creepy Oompa-Loompa vibe?
No, it's just that,
he bites.
He's a biter.
What's wrong, Mini-Me?
Something you wanna tell us?
Teething.
Yeah.
Get me the president
of the United States of America!
He's on.
What do you want, Dr. Evil?
Mr. President, in 12 hours,
I will destroy Washington D.C.
with this giant laser.
What the...
Jesus.
Mini-Me.
Stop humping the laser.
Ok. Honest to God.
Why don't you and the giant laser
get a fricking room, for God sakes?
Mr. President.
After I destroy Washington D. C.
I will destroy another major city
every hour, on the hour.
That is, unless of course you pay me.
One hundred billion dollars.
Doctor Evil, this is 1969.
That amount of money
doesn't even exist.
That's like saying,
I want a kajillion-bajillion dollars.
Come on, Mr. President.
Show me the money.
Show you what money?
Show me the money!
Show me the money!
You had me at hello. Tear.
Nothing? No?
It's 1969.
Jerry Maguire won't even come out
for another 30 years.
Nobody knows what
you're talking about, ass.
Scott, Daddy's working.
Ok?
And when you're in the main chamber,
try and use the big-boy voice, ok?
Thank you.
Mr. President,
allow me to demonstrate the awesome
lethality of the Alan Parsons Project.
Fire the laser!
Damage report!
Damage report!
It's ok.
It's alright, come on.
Actually, that was just footage
from the movie Independence Day,
but the real laser would be
a lot like that. Yeah.
Scary.
Now, Dr. Evil...
Talk to the hand, because the face
don't want to hear it anymore.
What hand?
Talk to your hand?
You ain't all that and a bag
of potato chips.
What are you talking about?
Don't go there, girlfriend.
Whose girlfriend?
Don't mess with me.
I'm one crazy mofo.
I had to pop a cop because he
wasn't giving me my props in Oaktown.
No?
I heard that somewhere.
You're an idiot.
Mr. President,
I think we have an understanding.
Bye-bye.
Dr. Evil, what are our plans
regarding Austin Powers?
Austin Powers?
He's the snake to my mongoose.
Or the mongoose to my snake.
Either way, it's bad.
I don't know animals.
But I do know this.
This time it's personal.
Kill him.
There's Dr. Evil's island.
Let's set up camp.
Be careful with that bag.
There's explosives in it.
This could be dangerous.
♪ What if God was one of us ♪
♪ Just a slob like one of us ♪
Well done.
Very good.
Dr. Evil. That was fantastic.
Thank you, Number Two.
I wrote that.
Yeah.
Dad, he put this in my bed.
Who?
Your stupid Mini-You.
He put roadkill in my sheets!
What, Mini-Me?
Don't you ever do that again!
You hear me?
Don't you ever do that again!
I can't stay mad at you.
Look at that ponem.
Dr. Evil's headquarters
is right over that next ridge.
Let me look.
Yeah.
Damn it.
How do we get in?
Hello, Mommy.
Mommy, can I have some chocolates?
I want some Mars Bars.
Austin!
Don't smack my bottom, Mommy!
Austin.
Sorry, love.
I got stuck in your dirty pillows.
Let's look at the map.
Oh, great.
Austin what's our plan?
According to this map,
the entire island is crawling
with Dr. Evil's guards.
I wanna make sure the explosives
didn't get wet, but I can't find them.
Look in the bottom.
Ok. I'll dig a little deeper.
This bag is really full.
Just keep digging, darling.
I'll just feel around for them.
Good Lord, Austin.
What sort of things
do you keep in here?
Anything that catches my fancy.
My God.
Give it a good tug.
Oh.
Do we really need this?
I'll ask you not to open that inside,
thank you very much, ok?
Oh, my God.
It went off.
Yes.
It does that from time to time.
Yes.
Yeah.
Yeah, that's nasty.
Yeah, sorry about that.
Smelly.
These people make me sick.
Can you snap me a beer?
What is it?
It's a gerbil.
How did that get in your bag?
I don't know.
Dr. Evil,
We have a problem.
Austin Powers is on the island.
Bring him to me.
Alive.
You.
Hit it!
This is a very sensitive subject.
Yeah.
♪ From the moment I heard Frau ♪
♪ Say I had a clone ♪
♪ I knew that I'd be safe ♪
♪ Because I'd never be alone ♪
♪ An evil doctor shouldn't speak ♪
♪ Aloud about his feelings ♪
♪ My hurt and my pain ♪
♪ Don't make me too appealing ♪
♪ I'd hoped Scott would look up to me ♪
♪ Run the business of the family ♪
♪ Head an evil empire ♪
♪ Just like his dear old dad ♪
♪ Give him my love ♪
♪ And the things I never had ♪
♪ Scott would think ♪
♪ I was a cool guy ♪
♪ Return the love I have ♪
♪ Make me want to cry ♪
♪ Be evil but have my feelings too ♪
♪ Change my life with Oprah ♪
♪ And Maya Angelou ♪
♪ But Scott rejected me ♪
♪ C'est la vie ♪
♪ Life is cruel ♪
♪ Treat you unfairly ♪
♪ Even so ♪
♪ A God there must be ♪
♪ Mini-Me, you complete me ♪
♪ Yeah ♪
♪ Just me and you ♪
♪ You and I ♪
You've got this packed really tight.
Are you ok?
Yeah, I just got a bit
of a back cramp, that's all.
Just keep packing it in.
God.
I found the explosives.
Help me check them.
You're surrounded!
Drop your weapons!
Hands up!
Move out!
Ladies and gentlemen,
in just a few moments,
we're gonna place
a giant laser on the moon.
From my death star,
I will destroy every city on the planet.
Get out of it!
Mr. Powers, Ms. Shagwell,
welcome to my hollowed out volcano.
This is my associate, Fat Bastard.
Felicity, I think you two may
have already met.
Unfortunately.
Oh, is that all the thanks I get
for the night of hot sex?
I'm dead sexy.
You were crap.
Yes.
In your dreams.
Felicity would never sleep with you.
Right?
I did what I had to do.
I'm a secret agent.
What?
Alright, that's enough, Fat Bastard.
As much as I like seeing Powers
in agony and I do,
the thought of you naked is just gross.
You can't stop me now, Mr. Powers.
I have your mojo.
My mojo...
And I'm taking it with me to the moon.
Put them in the jail cell!
My mojo!
I'll get you, Dr. Evil, I'll get you!
Oh, look at me, I'm shaking
in my little space boots.
I want my mojo!
Give back my mojo!
Great plan, Einstein.
Well, you're gonna put them in a cell
with one inept guard and they'll escape.
God, you do this every time.
You know Scott.
I've been a fricking evil doctor
for 30 fricking years, ok?
Cut me some fricking slack.
You forget, Scott.
We're in a volcano.
We're surrounded by liquid-hot magma.
What are you drawing?
It's just a goodbye card, that's all.
It's sweet.
Hey, back off.
Get him, get the baby!
Back off!
Simmer down. Simmer down.
Get in there!
Gnaw on him!
He's my posse.
Ok.
You take special care of him.
He's my special boy.
Attention.
Prepare for launch.
Repeat, all technicians
to launch positions.
Gentlemen.
I'm about to go to the moon.
Initiate prelaunch sequence.
Main rocket engine ignition.
Frau.
Begin the countdown.
Five!
Four!
Three!
Two...
Frau.
Begin the countdown at 30.
30!
29.
28.
27.
26.
25.
24.
23.
22.
21.
20.
19.
18.
17.
16.
15.
14.
13...
You know what?
When the doors close,
just say go. Better.
Go!
Colonel, you better take a look
at this radar.
What is it, son?
I don't know, sir,
but it looks like a giant...
Dick?
Yeah?
Take a look out of starboard.
Oh, my God!
It looks like a huge...
Pecker!
Where?
Wait, that's not a woodpecker.
It looks like someone's...
Privates!
We have reports
of an unidentified flying object!
It is a long, smooth shaft,
complete with...
Two balls!
What is that?
That looks just like an enormous...
Wang!
Pay attention.
I was distracted,
by that enormous flying...
Willie.
Yeah?
What's that?
Well, it looks like a giant...
Johnson.
Yes, sir.
Get on the horn to British intelligence
and let them know about this.
What do we do?
Why don't you just shag
Fat Bastard again?
Austin, this is no time to get jealous.
Well, how could you do it?
I was just doing my job.
No, I mean literally.
How could you do it?
The man's so fat, the sheer mechanics
of it are mind-boggling.
Look, don't try to lay your hang-ups on me
just because you lost your mojo.
Ouch, baby.
Very ouch.
Look Austin, we're running out of time.
I'm sorry.
I just did what I thought you would do
in the same situation.
You're the reason that I became a spy.
I thought that I wanted to be you,
but then I realized...
that I wanna be with you.
You do?
Yeah.
Hang on, baby.
Allez-hop!
Look, maybe we should
talk about this later.
First we need to get past
that inept guard.
Right.
Here's the plan.
What about pretend to be
desperately ill with food poisoning.
The guard, drawn by my cries of pain,
comes to investigate.
Meanwhile, you dig a pit,
line it with punji sticks made from
sharpened toothbrushes.
The guard falls in,
Bob's your uncle we escape.
What do you think?
That might work but,
what about this?
What do you think
of these my man?
Mommy!
What a...
burn.
That sort of thing could get a man...
fired.
I think he was...
hot .. for .. you.
That's enough.
Yeah.
Ladies and gentlemen,
welcome to my moon base.
You've all been chosen
to be part of my elite moon unit,
which is divided into two divisions:
Moon Unit Alpha and Moon Unit Zappa.
In exactly six hours, the moon
will move in its orbit around the Earth,
bringing Washington, D. C.
Within range of my giant laser.
Begin laser ignition sequence.
Begin laser ignition!
Attention.
Moon Unit Zappa to firing stations.
Initiation sequence in progress.
Ok.
Alright.
Gravity boost to EMS.
Steady at full power.
All I asked for
was a fricking rotating chair, ok?
Oh, ok.
Ok, ok. Ok.
Getting a little afraid.
I need an old priest
and a young priest.
The power of Christ compels you!
The power of Christ compels you!
Hello.
Ok.
Sick as a dog now.
Ok. Ok.
Get him a bucket.
Gonna vom.
We need to hitch a ride to the moon, baby.
Apollo 11 is good to go.
Crew to all stations.
We will have lift off
in T-minus 5 seconds.
4.
3.
2.
We have lift off!
Apollo 11 has cleared the tower
and is heading for a rendez-vous
with the moon.
Arm the laser.
Arming the laser!
Attention, arming the death star.
Battle stations.
Laser armed!
All crew prepare for ready battle stations.
Get me the president.
You're gonna like this part, Mini-Me.
This is the part
where we threaten the world leader.
I know we do it every time.
However, it is important to...
Mini-Me?
Mini-Me?
Where are you?
Can someone put a fricking
bell on him or something?
Great.
Somebody get the stick.
Just grab on to the hook, alright?
You complete me.
I love you.
Hang in there, Mini-Me.
If anything should happen to you,
I don't know what I would do.
I'd probably move on
and get another replica but,
there'd be a 10 minute period there
when I would just be inconsolable.
We have your money Dr. Evil,
but it wasn't easy.
Papa has to do some work, ok?
Well, you have exactly 30 minutes
to get it to me.
Ciao.
Jiminy German Jesus!
I can't believe
we're gonna pay that madman.
I got nukes out the yin-yang.
Just let me launch one, for chrissake!
Sir!
Are you suggesting
that we blow up the moon?
Would you miss it?
Would you miss it?
Mission control,
the swinger has landed, yeah.
Airlock open.
Repressurize.
Let's find Dr. Evil.
Yeah.
Enjoy your stay on the moon.
Hello, hello.
There he is.
I'll cover your rear.
No, you go ahead.
This time, it's personal.
No more!
I can't take it anymore!
Peace?
You brought my glasses.
Bless your little heart.
That's not right, that's...
Oh, don't, that's just...
Now I'm pissed!
Judo flip!
Poor little bugger.
He's so small.
He's like a dog or something.
Poor little bugger.
Get off!
Off!
Ok.
Get out of my suit!
It tickles.
Oh, it tickles. No.
Gotcha.
Poor little bugger.
I salute you.
Alright, slap-head.
Turn around.
Where's my mojo?
Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr. Powers.
Save the world...
or save your girlfriend.
Austin!
Felicity!
Don't worry about me, Austin!
You've gotta save the world!
Kill him!
Fire the laser!
Target locking.
Laser set to full fatality.
Judo kick!
Target missed.
Mojo in trouble now.
You may have won the battle,
Mr. Powers,
but you lost the war.
No!
No, no!
Felicity!
Wake up, Felicity, wake up!
I love you, Felicity.
I love you.
Dr. Evil!
I'll kill him!
Gotcha!
You shot me, you A-hole.
And now I'm going to kill you.
Before you do that,
know this.
Austin.
I am your father.
Really?
No, not really.
I can't back that up.
Right. Idiot.
Yes.
But isn't it interesting, Mr. Powers,
that you would rather kill me,
than save your precious Felicity?
What do you mean?
Remember,
there is a time portal
in the main chamber.
You could go back and save her.
I'll do that.
Felicity!
Good work.
Good work!
Good work!
Well, it looks like you have a choice,
Mr. Powers.
Save the world,
or save your girlfriend.
Austin!
Felicity!
Don't worry about me, Austin!
You've gotta save the world!
I choose love, baby!
Wait a tick.
Who are you?
I'm you, ten minutes from now.
Damn it, you are handsome.
I was just thinking the same.
We are sexy.
We are sexy bitches, yeah.
Alright, this is ri-goddamn-diculous.
Kill them both!
Fire the laser.
Thank you.
Fire the laser!
Listen, Past Austin.
Can you save the world
while I go get the girl?
Sure, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.
Target locking.
Laser set to full fatality.
Target missed.
Come on, come on.
You're alright. Yeah, come on.
You alright?
Are you ok?
Say,
what's the policy on ménage à trois?
You are adorable.
Yes.
Looking for this, Mr. Powers?
My mojo.
Self-destruct in two minutes
and counting.
No!
No!
Watch out!
See you in hell, Powers!
No, my...
Ok, Austin-From-10-Minutes-From-Now.
This place is gonna blow!
Let's go! Come on!
Self-destruct in 30 seconds
and counting.
Twenty-nine.
No!
Let's go!
No! My mojo!
We have to go now!
My mojo, I'm useless without it!
You don't need it,
you've had it all along.
What do you mean?
You defeated Dr. Evil,
you saved the world,
and believe me you're
gonna get the girl.
Well.
Yeah. Alright, then maybe later.
Yeah, come on.
Go!
I'll set the controls for 1967.
Felicity, why don't you come
with me to 1999?
Well, I don't know the '60s
were just so groovy I mean.
I wanna to see what happens
in the '70s and '80s.
The '70s and the '80s?
You're not missing anything.
I looked into it.
There's a gas shortage
and A Flock of Seagulls.
That's about it.
Let's go!
I love you, Austin Powers.
And I love you, Felicity Shagwell.
Wherever we go.
There we are.
Special delivery.
Surprise, surprise!
Listen, missy.
Do you fancy another go?
Because once you've had fat,
you never go back.
You shut your mouth you bastard.
Who is fat?
That's right, yeah.
Before you kill us,
let me ask you one question.
Are you happy?
What kind of stupid-ass
question is that?
I'm rich and I'm dead sexy!
Yeah.
Well, you didn't answer my question.
Are you happy?
Of course I'm not happy.
Look at me, I'm a big fat slob.
I've got bigger titties than you do.
I've got more chins
than a Chinese phone book!
I've not seen my willy in two years,
which is long enough,
to declare it legally dead!
I can't stop eating.
I eat because I'm unhappy.
And I'm unhappy because I eat.
It's a vicious cycle.
If you'll excuse me,
there is someone I have
to get in touch with and forgive.
Myself.
Oh, God.
Sorry.
I farted.
It's a long road ahead.
Oh, who am I kidding?
I'm gonna kill you anyway.
Judo chop!
Right in the mommy-daddy button!
That's for calling me crap, you fatty.
Listen baby, I don't care
if he is a fat bastard.
You don't give a man a shot in the pills.
It's just not cricket.
Do you think I'll be happy
here in the '90s?
Well, I know the '90s
might sound boring.
But as far as I'm concerned.
I've brought the best part
of the '60s back with me.
You.
Wait a minute.
Where are you going?
Did we get Dr. Evil?
No sir, he got away in that rocket
that looks like a huge...
Penis.
The male reproductive organ.
Also known as tallywhacker,
schlong or...
Wiener?
Any of you kids want another wiener?
Dad, what's that?
I don't know son, but it's got great big...
Nuts! Hot, salty nuts!
Who wants some...
Lord almighty!
That looks just like my husband's...
One-eyed monster!
Step right up and see
the one-eyed monster!
Hey, what's that? It looks like a big...
Woody?
Woody Harrelson?
Can I have your autograph?
Sure, no problem.
Oh, my Lord!
Look at that thing.
It's so big.
I've seen bigger. That's...
Just a little prick.
It's a flu shot.
You've been in the coldness of space.
I don't want you to get sick.
It's one thing to attack me.
It's quite another
to attack my Mini-Me.
I'm gonna get you, Austin Powers.
I'm gonna get you.
By LESAIGNEUR
Sync & corrections June 2019
Thank you.
We're doing a follow-up to a segment
we did several months ago,
on fathers who are trying
to take over the world.
Let's begin with Scott Evil.
What's going on with your dad?
Well, my dad tried to take over the world
with a giant laser on the moon.
I know.
Well, Scott, we have
a surprise for you.
What? My dad?
No, it's not your father.
It's your mother.
Come on out.
Mom, mom, mom.
Mom, mom, mom.
Mom?
Scott,
you are my love child with Dr. Evil.
I thought I was a test-tube baby.
He lies.
All lies!
I love you, Mom.
I love you too, son.
Thank you.
You know, what have
we learned here today?
Perhaps it's that...
no one can take your mojo.
You can look around you want
but what you're really
trying to find is...
on the inside.
Take care of yourself,
and each other.
I think I'm going
to like it in the '90s.
I never knew it could be this way.
Oh, baby! Baby, baby!
Oh, no.
Oh, that's good.
Felicity.
Austin?
How could you?
I thought that...
Past Austin?
Technically, it's not cheating, baby.
Well Felicity,
I can't blame you.
The man is handsome, baby.
We're just plain handsome, man.
Am I wrong, but this makes
me horny, baby?
Very randy!
Well, one thing's for sure.
I've got my mojo back.
Oh, yes, yes, yes.
It's definitely back.
Hello, you alright?
Me spuds are boiling.
Come on, darling, let's hop on
the good foot and do the bad thing.
Paging Dr. Freud.
Hello, up there.
Is the movie over?
I'm still down here
and I'm still in quite a lot of pain.
Maybe someone in the lobby
could call an ambulance.
The pain is really quite severe.
I've fashioned a makeshift splint.
Here goes nothing.