Attack of the Killer Shrews! (2016) - full transcript

[explosion]

[sizzling]

[intense]

[spooky music]

[music starts to fade]

Ahh!

[heavy breathing]

This is the most frightening
movie, and these are only

the opening credits! I don't
know what I'm gonna do!

Greetings from Tromaville!
I'm Lloyd Kaufman, president
of Troma Entertainment and

creator of the Toxic Avenger.



And the film you are about
to see is probably one of the
most horrifying, and downright

bloodcurdling creations that
I have ever witnessed in my
fifty years of Troma filmmaking!

Yep! The Killer Shrews!
A movie about redemption,
hope... and ice cream.

Ah, yes. The year was
1959. Eisenhower was
president. Communism was
flourishing, the music

was dying... and I... I
was getting out of prison.
I'll never forget it.

And who could forget those
wonderful dogs wearing mops?!

And I know mops. Just ask
ol' lumpy head back there.

Killer shrews...

...murderous Muppets!

Yes!

There's no business
like shrew business!

It's now time to
sit back, relax...

...munch on some delicious
popcorn with that
artery-hardening butter
stuff they put on it...

...and get ready to watch
the amazing reimagining
of Ken Cosentino's



Attack of the Killer Shrews!

[creepy music starts]

[slap]

[slap]

[slap]

Svenson! We're going to be
rich beyond our wildest dreams!

That's great, sir!

See, Svenson? It's working!
My children are growing!

My serum is working!

You did it sir!

No, Svenson.... we did it!

[purring]

Look Svenson!!! Look
how big it's getting!!

Uh, sir?!

I think I will call it Nibbles!

[shrew screeching]

[Svenson screaming]

Nibbles! Stop it! Nibbles!

Stop eating him!

Nibbles!

[roaring, gurgling]

[laughter] Oh, Charles..

Thank you again for inviting us.

It's a pleasure, darling!

You too, Lewis.
Thank you, Charles.

[cork popping]

[champagne pouring]

Maybe once we're finished
with our drinks, the
professor can you show his

shrunken head collection
from South Africa!

Oh how exciting!
I'd love to see it!

Here's to a
successful first run!

Here here! [glasses clank]

Congratulations!

[whispering] I couldn't have
done it without you, Lewis...

Charles.. you know I'm
more than just your agent,
I'm your biggest fan!

Would you give us a
preview reading, professor?

Please?

Ha! If you insist!

We'd be delighted!

Please...

Make yourselves
comfortable, actually...

This'll be brief!
....from the prologue...

Oh!

Nary a quest has been
ventured, in the scrolls
of the history of man..

..where one educated physicist
has determined an exact
equation for the heart and

soul of mankind.

Darwin! Maxwell! Einstein!

They will quiver and cringe
in the shadow of I...

..Professor Charles Perry.

Brilliant, Charles!

Marvelous!

Thank you! Thank you!

Well, I'll have to reread
this when Fiona arrives!

Fiona Rae?! The movie starlet??

The one and only!

She's coming here?
Now?! How's my hair??

You look great..

She should be here already...

I wonder what's
taking her so long...?

What the fuck is that?!

[steam hissing]

[engine thumping]

[door slam]

Having trouble ma'am? [thud]

Ow!

Woah! Hold on!

You alright?

I'm fine..

Ya sure you're OK? I know CPR...

What's CPR?

It's this new breathin'
thing... say! Don't I recognize
you's from somewheres?

I get that a lot..

Where were you headin' miss?

I was just going up the
road... Mulberry Street?

I was supposed to meet some
friends for a small gathering...

and then the engine
started knocking and all
this smoke poured out.

Well, I can give you a
ride there if you'd like?

It's on my route anyway.

Are you sure you don't mind?

No absolutely!

I wouldn't want
to be a bother...

Nonsense!

You'd be surprised how
lonely it can get in the car!
Especially without Wayne...

Come on! Hop in!
I'll give ya a ride!

I'll get my bag!

Does your friend have a phone?

Yes.

Alright! We'll just call a
tow truck once we get inside.

You're too kind!

Your friend sure does
like his privacy!

Don't we all...

[knocking]

Feeeee-ooooh-nuh!!!

Charles!!

[muttering] I see you
brought a guest with you..

I'm Charles Perry, welcome
to my humble abode!

Martin Blake!

Come on in, darling, we're
having the most choice
discussion about my book!

You too Officer Drake!

Blake, sir!

Please come in..

Come and have a drink with us!

I'd love to but
I'm on the clock.

Mineral water for
officer...[stammering]

Blake...

[dryly] Blake...

Charles, I was so afraid
I wasn't going to make it!

Fiona! My dear! So
good to see you!

Lewis! Oh... there it is...
the smell that won't go away...

Allow me to introduce
you to my better half,
the lovely Cassandra!

Cassandra? So beautiful!

I am such a huge fan Miss Rae!

May I call you Fiona?

[whispering] Fiona Rae!

Yes please!

I am such a huge fan!
I've seen all of your
films! Some of them twice!

Haha why?

You're Fiona Rae!

I am, yes!

Wow! To think I had a movie
star in my car! Wait til
Wayne hears about this!

Charles, I hate to trouble you,
but may I please use your phone?
I have to call a tow truck.

Of course, my dear!

Cassandra! Be a dear, would
you please? And help Fiona
with her....personals?

Certainly!

Use the phone in the study!

Thank you.

You two will have
much to talk about...

Quite a place you've
got here, Professor!

It's a roof over my
head, y'know...really...

I do beg your pardon!
This man is Lewis Fontana,
my agent! Sheriff Blake!

Please to meet you
Sheriff...[slimy
squishes]...thanks
for keeping us safe.

Just doing my duty. Why does
a professor need an agent?

I've simply published my latest
book! It's a Symposium of
History's Greatest Scholars!

Non-fiction.

We were just celebrating.

Well, don't celebrate too hard.

Congratulations, Professor,
but I really must be going.

So soon! But you've
practically just got here!

I'm on patrol.

And what could possibly
happen way out here?

[sticks breaking]

Where are you, you
Shrewish bastards?!?

Ahhh! There you are!!

You really can't stay?

Positive.

You're all in grave danger!!!

Friend of yours?

[parlor music plays]

Doctor... you must
be putting us on?

I am dead serious!

There are gigantic killer
shrews roaming these
woods! We must all leave!

There is no more
time for discussion!

Calm down! We know
shrews aren't that big..

These ones are!!!

Professor... this is some
sort of prank, right?

You must listen!

I was experimenting...with
a cure for rabies...

...when something
went very wrong!

These shrews...are RAVENOUS!

What's a shrew?

It's like a mole.

Cute!

Cute?! These shrews
are not cute!! Have you
not been listening to
anything that I've said?!

They are.... vicious
killers! These are...

KILLER SHREWS!!

[dun dun DUN!]

Fiona dear! Sounds like the
plot for your next picture!

I don't think that's
very funny.... he's
obviously disturbed...

Come on, doc! Let's getcha home!

You're all going to
die!! Don't you see?!
You're all going to die!!

Don't make me cuff you!

What a ghastly man!

After you!

[scary music plays]

[screams!]
[roaring, shrew noises]

[growling]

Help!

Heeelp!

[shrew noises]

Help me!!!

Heeelp!

Heeeelp meeee!

[roaring]

Help me!

[roaring] Please help me!!

[shotgun blast]

[growling]

[BLAM!]

[danger music fades]

[whispering] What the
fuck IS that thing??

What is it?!
I don't know..

What the HELL do you think
it is?? It's a killer shrew!

He was telling the truth!

Is it a dog?

No it's not a damn
dog! It's a SHREW!

[cocks shotgun]

We have to get out of here!
Sweetheart, we need to leave!

No one is going anywhere!

And on who's authority?

He's right, it's
not safe out there..

I need to radio for back up!

Doctor!

How many of those
things are out there?

Thirty! Well... twenty-nine now!

This is Sheriff Blake!

I'm in a house on
Mulberry Street and we're
in need of assistance!

[radio] You OK Sheriff?

Can someone please help me?!

We have one wounded a
big problem on our hands!
Send a squad car and an
ambulance immediately!

There's a first
aid kit in the W.C.

I-I'll get it!

I'm coming with you!

Watch your step...
these are new shoes!

Ew..

[radio] The ambulance is in
Springville assisting in a house
fire! I'll head over to you now!

[radio] What's the address?

What's your address?

Three-eight-zero
Mulberry Street.

Three-eighty Mulberry Street.
Did you say Springville?

That's two hours away! Don't
they have their own ambulance?

[radio] No! Blake! What's
going on out there?

I'm not sure, I think...

I think it might
be KILLER SHREWS!!

[dun dun DUNNN!]

[radio] Haha OK! Wayne out!

How many officers do
you have, Sheriff?

Well it's just me and Wayne
on the clock right now...

He IS my deputy, AND my cousin!

Two officers! You're going
to need more than that!

You're telling me- EW! Your
wounds are all....goopy!

Which one?

The one on your neck!

It's really gross!

Lewis is on his way
with the first-aid kit!

Oh.. THAT'S good!

[disgusting weasel farts]

[poop noises]

This is terrible..

I know! Those
things are so scary!

No, this book. This
book is terrible.

Then why do you represent him?

Because he's rich... in
fact, this whole shrew thing
just might make it easier
for us to find his safe..

I think we should just
forget the whole thing.

Nonsense!

All we have to do.... is
sneak away... open the
safe, grab it and go!

[horrific farting]

You should light a candle or
something... that smells awful!

It was the casserole...

I love the one where you use the
snake to swing from the cliff!

That was Return to Ape Island!

Wow!

Fiona Rae!

I knew I recognized you
from somewhere! Say..

..can I have your autograph
when this is all said and done?

Sure! Why not?

Here you go Professor.

So doc, why were you really
messing with those shrews?

[weakly] I told you...

I was trying to create
a cure for rabies...

But HOW did they turn into THAT?

Something went
wrong....OBVIOUSLY!

I...I have to make an
emergency phone call.

Use the phone in the study.

Those things are probably
miles away by now.

Doubtful! Those are
predatory animals! They
will go where the prey is!

What? You mean US?!

Yes! They've tasted
blood... when they killed
my lab assistant...

I have to go, I can't stay here!

You can't go! It's too
dangerous out there!

But you don't understand! I have
to be on set tomorrow morning,
I have a very early call time!

OK. Once the tow truck
arrives, I'll escort you.

They're not coming. No
one answered the phone!

Well where do you have to go?

Franklinville? I was only
supposed to be in town for
one day! I have to leave!

Well, once Wayne gets
here I'll take you.

No I would prefer to leave now!

We're not going anywhere
'til my backup arrives.

How are you gonna get in
without the combination?

I'll think of something.

[creepy sliding noise]

Did you hear something?

Do you think they
got in the house?

Come on! Let's go
back with the others!

You go on ahead. I'm not leaving
'til I've gotten into the safe.

Lewis!

Go on!

[parlor music continues]

This man is going into
shock! We've got to
get him to a hospital!

[gurgling]

What's wrong with him?

[stammering]

BLEEDING!

[ominous music begins]

That's Wayne! We're saved!

Wayne! Come in Wayne!

I'm here Sheriff!

Wayne you listen to me and
you listen to me carefully!

We have a man down who is in
need of medical assistance!

Be careful getting out of your
vehicle! There are monstrous

KILLER SHREWS!

All over the grounds!

Yea, ok Sheriff. Killer shrews!

[monstrous growling]

[shrew noises]

[zap zap zap!]

[BLAM!]

[gunshots]

That's my cousin!

Did it getcha?!

It took a chunk
off my damn ear!!!

We gotta get everybody
to the hospital!

...but we can only
take one of you!

You go!

Thank you Charles.

Perry you cover us while
we get the doc to the car!

Aye!

[bloody gurgling]

[ominous music intensifies]

Good luck, my dear!

Be safe, Professor!

Let's get the Hell outta here!

Wait for help to arrive!
We'll be back soon!

[shrew noises]

[shotgun blast]

[growling, shrew noises]

[shotgun blast]

[whimpering]

Where's Lewis?

He's in the study...did
they leave us?!

They're sending help. We
just need to... sit tight...

I can't take this!
Hold me professor!!

[whimpering]

[shrew noises]

Hello?

Is anyone there?

[shrew noises]

Cassandra? Is that you?

[shrew noises]

Oh I hope it's not
one of those shrews!

[foreboding music]

Got it..

[intense crash!]

AHHHHHHHHH!

[shrew noises]

Ahhh! There's a killer
shrew in the house!!!

[thud]

Eeeeeeeeeeeeeee!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!

[screaming]

EAAAAAGGGGHHHHHH!!!!

[screaming]

[growling, shrew noises]

AHHHHHH!!!!!!

[growling]

AHHHHHHH!!

[roaring, shrew noises]

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[growling]

[screaming, shrew noises]

Confound it Lewis! Keep still!

[screaming]

[shotgun blast, glass breaks]

[screaming, roaring]

[shotgun cocks]

[click]

AHHHHHH!!!!

Keep 'em occupied Lewis!

[screaming]

AHHHHHHHHHH!!!!

[animal grunts]

AHHHH! It's humping
meeee!! AHHHHH!!!!!

[goofy musical score]

[score ends abruptly]

[rustling]

[whispering] What
the fuck IS that...?

[screaming, shrew noises]

[lock clicks]

[low rumbling score]

[huge crash]

Eeeeee!!!

[grunts]

[score builds]

God!!

Ugh!

[score intensifies]

Ahh! Good shrew! You
don't want to eat me!

I'm just a literary
agent! I'm all pudgy ahhh!

[shrew noises]

[shotgun blast, splat]

[score finishes]

[Lewis gasping for air]

Lewis, put some trousers on!

EEEEEEEEEYAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHH!!!!!

[roaring]

[shotgun blast, squeak]

My dear!

We gotta go. We
gotta get outta here!

I wonder how they got in...

The window!

[fun music plays]

What the fuck IS THAT
THING?! [cocks shotgun]

[fun music]

[KABLAM!]

Let's go!

[fun music transitions
to spooky score]

We're not safe here!
Murdock said that they'd
be hunting us and that's
exactly what they are doing!

[shrew noises]

[shotgun blast]

[shotgun blast]

Come on!

[door slams]

[engine starts]

[tires squealing]

[siren]

Ew..

We're almost there!
You're gonna make it doc!

We need to go back and
get my ear! Maybe they
can sew it back on!

We're gonna get you a
new ear! A better ear!

Yea well I want my ear damn it!

Well you-LOOKOUT!!!!

[screaming]

[tires screech]
[thud SPLAT]

[screaming]

[tires screeching]

[loud CRASH]

[metal crashing]

[steam hissing]

[body thud]

Sheriff...

Are you alright?

I think so... I've
done stunts before..

Oooh...Wayne!

Wayne!!

Aw shit! Wayne!

Awww shit nooo!

Do CPR!

I don't know CPR!!

Aww shit! Wayne! Aww..

The doctor's body is gone!

It musta got thrown
during the crash!

Aw shit! Wayne's dead! I'm gonna
lose my badge! Killer shrews
all over the place! Aww shit!

Alright alright! Calm
down. You are gonna get it
together and you're going
to take me to Franklinville!

Alright, we need to radio
the town... where's my radio?

My radio's gone?!?

Goddamnit! Jesus! Look oh man!

I paid fifteen dollars
for that thing!

Look at this shit!! It's
gonna come outta my pay!!

Oh my God what the Hell is goin-

...I bumped my head
off the dashboard...

Wayne!?

I think I saw his eyes blink!

No, he's dead.

Well my hat's at least is here!

Aww Wayne come on.... aw we're
just gonna have to walk...

[crickets]

[scary theme]

[evil laughing]

[traffic]

[upbeat tempo]

Hey look what the
cat dragged in!

Wife finally let you
out the house huh?

Can't complain.

Sit your old ass down.

You know when I was a young
man, I woulda kicked your ass!

Yea... right sir!

So we gonna buff the top or
we're gonna give you a cut?

OK just the cut!

You know what [breathing]

[squeaks]

That one's on the house!

Thanks..

So how's the kids?

Kids are good..

I see that you've been
drinking a lot lately?

Well you know, sometimes you
just gotta do what you gotta do.

[diner music, chatter]

[off screen] Hey Ted, I'm
just hanging out... you still
rubbing your belly button?

Ted.

Martin.

[phone beeps]

Hello.

This is Sheriff Blake...
no, the OTHER one.

Yea, I'm out in Franklinville...

There's been a major
accident out on Route 33.

Yea there's two casualties,
one is my deputy...

..who IS my COUSIN..

Yea I'm at the Sunshine Cafe.

Yea alright I'll be here...bye!

[hangs up]

[really stupid restaurant
chatter in the background]

[the sound of people enjoying
breakfast in the afternoon]

Did you tell them
about the shrews?

Do ya think they'd believe me?

Can I start you guys off
with something to drink?

Water, please!

[weakly] Water.

I've missed my call time!

I have to call my agent.

Uh huh...

Yeah baby... naw I'm telling you
when you get out of jail we're
gonna have some real good times!

Excuse me!

Hold on baby, someone's trying
to talk to me... what is it??

Sir, I need to make an
emergency phone call!

Listen, this one's in use. Why
don't you go use the barbershop
across the street alright?

[sarcastically] Thanks...

I have to go across the
street to make a phone call..

OK. What do you want?

Eggs and toast.

[yelling] Can I get some
eggs and toast please?
And where's my water?!

[traffic]

You know man? I can see
myself in your head! That
thing really shiny! Hello!!

Fuck you, King Kong!

May I please use your phone?!
Ya sure, right there.

Thank you!

[boop boop boop]

[boop boop]

[boop boop]

[truck engine]

[engine squealing]

[truck shuts off]

[door slam]

[another door slams]

[another door slams damn they
really like slamming doors huh?]

Looks like there's nobody here!

Helloo!?

Our truck broke down!
We're out of gas!

I don't like this,
I'm going back in.

Cassandra..

[mysterious soundtrack]

Helloooooooooo?!

[another slam come on
seriously? do you want the
shrews to know where you are?]

Find a gas can Lewis
and meet me back here!

OK.

[too late]

[wind blowing]

[spooky tune]

This place is a dump..

[spooky spooky]

Hellooooo?

Who's there?

Ah!

[stammering]

We've run out of fuel..

[stammering]

Have no concern, I'm a man
of considerable academic and
intellectual achievements!

[Scottish accent] Oh yea!
Well you just look like a
man who's run out of gas to
me, and ain't no gas here..

..move on!

[stammering] But it's
an emergency! We've been
attacked by wild animals!
One of us has been injured!

What kind of wild animals?

Shrews..

KILLER SHREWS!

[dun dun DUNNN!]

So you're the ones that brought
them devils around here!

How could that be?

Look out the window son. Ya
gotta be blind not to see them!

Cassandra!

Damn killer shrews!

[snoring]

Errrmmmm..

Oh Jesus!

[dramatic music!]

Arrr!

[shrew noises]

Thank you Simon! Thank you!

I'll await the cab. Tah-tah!

[hangs up]

Darrr!!! Derrrrr!
Deeeerr duhduhduhduhduh!

Daaahhh errrreeeaaaaaaahhhhhh!!!

[shrew noises]

Huminna Hummina!!

[together] What
the fuck is that?!

[snorting]

Derrpppppp derrrrrrr
ayyyyeeeee!!!!
Derrrrrrrrr!!!

[snip! squish!]
Ahhhh!!!! Sonofa!

[loud and wet pooping noises]

Oh the doo-doo butter dookie!!

[shitting noises]

[lots and lots of shit
happening in that guy's pants]

[shrew noises]

[more shit]

That thing doesn't
look friendly!!

Somebody kill that shit!

This is a tasty glass of water!

[doo wop]

[it's OK to get up and dance]

Seymour! You keep dropping
crumbs all over the floor,
we're gonna get rats!

Did you hear what I
said? Pick up your crumbs
or we're gonna get..

[shrew noises]

..rats!

[loud growling]

[screaming]

[screaming, monstrous roaring]

[heavy breathing]

[screaming]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

[snap!]

[roaring]

[thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!]
[thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud
squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]
[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[roaring]

[thud squeak!] [thud
squeak!] [thud squeak!]
[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]
[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!]
[thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!] [thud squeak!]

[thud squeak!]

Do you have a back door?

Thank you..

That's a bad bitch!

What's the matter?

Come on!

[shrew noises]

How do you use this
fucking thing?!

Lewis I think your darling is
about to become shrew chow!

I'll distract them,
you get Cassie!

How do you expect to do that?

GOBBLE GOBBLE GOBBLE!!

Are you out of
your fucking mind?!

AHHHHHH!!! [roaring]

[fun theme song]

[screaming]

[screaming, roaring]

[screaming, roaring]

[roaring]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

It's humping me
again!!!! Stop it!

[thump!]

I'm here to save you!

Ahhhhhhhhhh!!!!!!

[roaring]
Graaaahhh!!

[bang!]

I hate shrews.

[fun theme continues]

Come on! Hop in!

[door slam]
Where's Lewis??

He's creating a distraction!

[engine roars to life]

Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

[roaring]

Ahhhh!!!!!

Ahhhhhh!

Ahhhhhhhhhhh!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH!!!! Oh my
God!!!!! AHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[roaring]

[KA-BLAM!]

Damn girl! You got crazy
written all over ya haha!

[whining]

[engine sputtering, dies]

Oh....right right right..

[shrew noises]

[growling]

[BLAM!]

[roaring ferociously]
[BLAM!]

[BLAM!]

[BLAM!]

[KA-BLAM!] Woo-hoo!

Ya ugly shrew
bastards! [gunshots]

[gunshots] Look at that!

Look at that motherfucker!

[gunshots]

Oh! I thought you were dead!

We gotta call the
national guard!

Oh I hope the others
got out alright!

Well they all ran all over
the place, one lady got
hit by an ice cream truck!

I meant the professor!

Yea me too. Let's
get out of here!

Come on, this way will
take us back to town!

Are you sure the road
won't be quicker?

Those things are everywhere!

I'm so frightened!
Hold me Lewis!

We're being followed!

You go

Not without you!

I'm staying, so
that you can go..

..if you go,
then... I can stay..

..but if you stay, I'll stay...

..and if you go, then
I can stay, and I'll
stay so that you can go!

Thank you, Charles!

I've got a score to settle
with some shrews, and I've
got a pocket full of shells!

He's so valiant!

I know.

Why can't you be like that?

I'm just a literary agent.

[growling]

Rawr!

[shrew noises]

What the Hell happened?

Martin!

Martin!

I'm coming Martin!

I'm coming Martin!

[clunking and clanking]

[puttering]

[crash!]

[beeping]

Goddamnit!

[engine rumbling]

[action music]

[shrew noises]

[KA-BLAM!]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

Gah!

[KA-BLAM!]

Ha Ha Ha!

[trumpets build]

[BLAM!]

Alright! Come on get
it! Oh yes! [BLAM!]

Oh yes!

Come on then! Cooome on!

[BLAM!]

[trumpets blare!]

[click click]

[music builds, shrew noises]

Uggh!

Alriiight! Come on! Cooome ooon!

I went to Julliard you know!

Uh huh you didn't know that!

I didn't always want to be
a physicist philosopher!

I wanted to be a dancer! I
could have been a dancer!

Let's dance!

AHHH!!

[shrew noises]

[heavy drums, trumpets blare]

[roaring, screaming]

[roaring]

[screaming]

[roaring]

Simon...

Simon you can't be serious!

When have I ever??

Simon!

I am FIONA RAE, Simon!

Hmpph! Well she's a hussy!

[hangs up]

I'm sorry you didn't make
it to your film, it wasn't
safe for you to be out there.

They fired me...

I've never been.....fired...

Shiiiit! I've been fired from
just about every job except
this one! Ain't no big deal!

[crash]

Sheriff!

Dewey!

Damn it!

You ok Sheriff?

Who's been messing
with my chair!!?

I don't know!

Damn it Dewey!

We'll get that fixed
for ya Sheriff!

Get on it!

Miss Rae!

Dewey...

Damn him..

Martin... what are
we going to do?

I'll tell ya what
we're gonna do..

..we're gonna sit here and wait
for the cavalry to arrive, the
mayor has ordered in the army.

What until then?

You're gonna drink your
coffee...I'm gonna sit on
my desk, and we're gonna get
to know each other better.

Sheriff!

Dewey..

There's some big shot army
guy out there who would like
to have some words with you!

Send him in.

Yessir!

Miss Rae.....

Sorry about that...

What is the hiring process-

Cap'n!

Sheriff Blake.

Holy shit..... Fiona Rae!

The wife and I just went to see
"Tomb of the One-Eyed Weasel"
last night, and we loved it!

That scene... when you were
hanging from the balcony...and
the weasel was right there!!!

Gave me the chills!

Wow! You're more beautiful
in person than you are on
the screen! Fiona Rae...

..men, we are in the
presence of greatness!

[giggling]

Cap'n.... the task
at hand please..

This city is being
invaded by killer shrews.

Killer shrews?

[together] KILLER SHREWS!

Hahaha!

Hahahahahaha!

With all do respect,
SIR, when you are done
laughing, my deputy, who
IS my COUSIN, is DEAD!

Did the shrews kill him?

It was a car accident...but
it was shrew related!

How do you expect me
to believe all this?

Because it's true!

The Thing From Nantucket!
Now that was a good one!

[engine roaring]

[sputtering]

Damn it!

[splashing]

I'm coming Martin! I'm coming
Martin! I'm coming Martin!

[throttle roars]

Mr. Mayor! Mr. Mayor!

Wha? What what??

Snakes snakes snakes
SNAKES SNAKES!!!

Sir! You're just having a
nightmare! I tried to stop them-

John, we got a big problem
on our hands, a shit storm
is a-brewin' out there in the
shape of big ass killer shrews,
and you're in here napping'!

What is the meaning of this?

Your town is being overrun
by ravenous rodents!
People are dying out there!

Floyd...

Why is Fiona Rae in my
office and you didn't
warn me? I look like shit!

Sir! Sorry-

Get out! Get out and get
Miss Rae a cup of tea please!

Oooh! Earl Grey.

Yea... that guy's a retard.

Mayor, I've seen one of
these things... they're huge!

We need to shut down the town! A
curfew is in effect immediately!

We need to exterminate the
infestation before it spreads.

My God, could things
get any worse?

Sir... your wife just called...

..your dog died.

Pugsly?

My little Pugsly?

Sir! The town is a war zone!

This is terrible!

I think the mayor's
gone bye-bye...

What do you need
from us, Captain?

Let's step outside for a
minute... give him a moment.

[sniffling]

My little Pugsly...

First Wayne, now Pugsly...
what's going on in this town?

Mayor major wuss..

We need a map of the
town. Close down all the
streets coming and going.

Done!

We need to gather as much intel
on these things as we can...
find out what makes them tick.

They're shrews, how
complicated can they be?

Girlie, you have no idea.

How much further?

I don't know, I
was following you!

Are you serious?

Yea! I thought you knew!

Who is this guy?

I don't really know...

The name's Wilkens, I own the
saw mill you guys stopped at.

So you own the mill,
but you have no idea
where we are right now?

I never come this way!

[shrew noises]

Ahhhhhh!

Cassandra!

Eeeeeeeee!!!

Cassandra!

They're right behind us!

Cassie!!

And what's this here?

That's the old saw mills...it's
in the outskirts of the city.

I can see that. It's
a good vantage point.

Take a couple of guys and get
there. Make sure it's secure..

..leave my men there and
we'll rendezvous back
here at fifteen-hundred.

Sure thing.

And I'm gonna deeter
some skeeters with my
Deter Insect RepellentC©.

Fiona!

Fiona Rae... you
are one lucky guy.

It's not what you think.

Sir, you're needed back at
the barracks right away.

Thank you Mrs. Rae!!

Looks like I'm gonna have
to scoot. Duty calls.

The town is on lockdown,
and I think you'll be
safest by staying here.

Can't I come with you?

Not this time.
Way too dangerous.

If you say so..

I do.

I'll see you soon.

[sentimental score]

Blake! Blake!

You kill those shrews!

[DING!]

[low, creeping tone]

Cassie!

Cassandra!

Careful with the yellin', boy!
The reverberations can bring
this whole thing down on us!

Better that than
eaten by shrews.

I just can't believe
it's happening again..

What do you mean "again"?

Eeee!!

I wanna go to Bermuda!!

OK...OK!

We can do that..

These shrews'll be
on us any minute!

Let's follow the
creepy Scottish guy..

Come on, let's take this tunnel!

This is a dead end!

Well that's good! We'll get
our back against the wall!

We're trapped! How is that good?

Well they can't sneak up
on us, the sneaky bastards!

Wilkens, this isn't your
first encounter with
killer shrews... is it...

You youngsters take a seat
and I'll tell you a tale.

I come from the village
of Killiecrankie.

I've never heard of that before?

It's in Scotland. I left
when I was a wee boy.

It seems I brought these
creatures with me..

That doesn't make any
sense. What do you mean?

Ah it was a long time ago...
huge man eating shrews
stormed the village wiping
out everything in their path!

I was lucky. Me
and a few others..

That doesn't make any sense.
Murdock told us that he
created them in his lab
when he was experimenting
with a cure for rabies...

..it just doesn't make
sense. How could they have
gotten here from Scotland?

Murdock, eh? There was a
Murdock in the village...
crazy guy. Our parents
told us not to talk to him.

That seems highly coincidental..

Or not! You kids don't
have to sit on the ground,
there's plenty boxes!

Holy shit!

Hot diggity!

This'll blow them up!

[shrew noises]

Derrr duhh duhhh buhhh!

I'll keep them
busy, you guys go!

That's what the professor
said and he's not coming back!

Ah, I'm old. I've had my fun..

Go to the saw mill, there's
a shoe box in my office...
you'll find everything
you're lookin' for..

..Murdock, I should have known.

[shrew noises]

[dramatic music]

[fuse ignites]

[hissing]

Alright, ya rat bastard shrew
sonsabitches! COME AND GET IT!

Hahahaha!

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

[screaming]

[hiss, shrew noises]

[KA-BOOM!]

[crickets]

There it is!

I've never had to shit
so bad in my life!

Lewis!

EVER!!

Hold it!!!

Oh thank God we're saved!

What the Hell are you
two doing way out here?

Don't you know there's....KILLER
SHREWS... everywhere?!

They're OK.

[military music]

They're with me.

Oh thank God..

I'm glad to see you two
made it out alright.
Where's the professor?

No..

Get us out of here Sheriff!

Get these two some place safe!

Sir yes sir!

Ma'am.

Hold on Sheriff... I have
something to tell you...

Cassie, you go on.

Any time anyone ever says
that they never come back!

[slobbering]

Ahem!

I'll wait for you.

[dramatic score]

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut!

Whatchu talkin' bout Lewis?!

The guy that owned the mill, he
told me something that might be
useful. I'll show you, come on!

What the fuck is a shrew anyway?

I have no fuckin' idea.

We're about to find out!

He said it was up here...
in an old shoe box..

Yahtzee!

[thud]

It's junk!

Who does that look like to you?

Looks like Murdock.

Holy shit... I think I
know what's happening!

Good cuz I don't
have a fuckin' clue!

Murdock... where is he?

His body got thrown from the
car during the crash! Shoulda
seen it he went flyyyyyiiiing!

And his body? Did you recover
it? Do you know where it is?

No he's gone, just like I
told you! Just like Wayne!

We need to get back to town.

Alright! Let's go!

[maniacal giggling]

Alright! Listen up! This
is it men! It's either us
or these damn shrews! And
you know what they say...

..ya shrews, ya lose!

Sir! We have a visual on
the shrews! They're heading
this way and they'll be on
top of us within minutes!

Beautiful! Alright, listen up!
This is where I give my big
inspirational speech letting
you sissies know that some
of you ain't gonna make it!

Nobody dies without
my permission!

Let's secure the left perimeter,
secure the right perimeter!
We'll drag 'em all into the
mill and bring the whole fuckin'
thing down on their heads!

We're gonna leave it here today!

We're gonna cover this place
in shrew blood! It's gonna
be biblical! Who's with me?

Yes sir yes sir!

Let's go!

[bonk!]

Sorry, sir!

Get your ass up son! We're
here to slay rodents!

SIR YES SIR!

Now I need you to get
upstairs, and get ready to-

Arrggh!

[shrew noises]

[machine gun fire]

[action music]

What the Hell's the matter
with you boy?! Get your ass
up, we got shrews to kill!

Sir yes sir-

Cowboy up! Yeeeee-haw!

Yeeeeee-haaa!

Let's go

Hut hut hut hut hut hut hut
hut hut hut hut hut hut!

[crunching]

[shrew noises]

EEEEEEEEEE!!!!

[roar]

Sonofa bitchin' beaver!

[machine gun fire, screaming]

Sonofabitch!

[roaring]

[machine gun fire]

[machine gun fire]

[punches, kicks]

Ha Ha Ha Ha Ha!!

[machine gun fire]

[gunshots]

Ahhhhhhh!

Mom

[roaring]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

Ahhh!

[shrew noises]

Ahhh!

Ahhhhhhh!

[action score ends]

[SQUEAK!]

Ah!

[thump]

[shrew noises]

[panting]

[shrew noises]

They're everywhere! Get
the Hell out of here!

[shrew noises]

[thunk thunk]

[shrew noises]

[explosion]

Yep! Biblical! Haha!

I assure you Miss Rae,
you're safe here for the time
being! We've taken over this
house as our command center.

No shrews are getting' in here!

[shrew screeches]

What the Hell!?

[blam!]

That was a freak
occurrence! It must have
gotten in here before us!

Captain, I am trained
in the operation of most
firearms. I have to be
for my feature films...

I would feel a lot
safer if I had a gun!

Hahaha! A gun? Sweetheart,
this is not the movies.
Leave the heavy stuff for us.

[knocking]

[doorbell ringing]

Open it.

Woah woah woah!
Slow down, Turbo!

Where is Captain Frost?

Blake!
Fiona!

They're OK.

Miss Rae, I'm so glad
that you're alive-

EWWW Lewis! You stink!

Where's your girlfriend?

Not exactly sure... she's
in good hands though.

I'm Captain Frost.

Lewis Fontana. Literary agent.
[squishing]

This is Lieutenant Falcon.

[bark!]

Mittens! Mittens! Where
the Hell's Mittens?

Right here, sir!

Where the Hell you been?

Right here, sir!
Don't do that to me boy!

Yes sir!

Take Mr. Fontana
upstairs to be debriefed!

Yes sir, you got it boss!

C'mon!

The mill is secure, Cap'n!

That's great, I-

[radio] Captain Frost!
Captain Frost! Come in
Captain Frost! They're
breaking through the wire!

[radio]
There
are
dozens
of
them!
Coordinates
niner-niner-whiskey-do-the-tango!

What the Hell?? Hold the line!

I'm so glad you're here!

Me too! Hey get this:
That doctor guy? Murdock?
Seems like he's got an
interesting family tree...

Oh?

His grandfather went nuts
in a small Scottish village!

He created gigantic
murderous shrews!

Wipin' out every man,
woman and child for miles!

Oh my God!

How is that possible?

Well, he told us he was looking
for a rabies cure. What he was
really doing was following in
his grandfather's footsteps.

Now obviously he's a few
cans short of a six pack.

But after he succeeded...

He created gigantic
killer shrews!

I don't know if he
planned on having them
escape, but they did!

I think he was going to use
them to conquer the town...
maybe even conquer the world!

This is complete madness!
How did I even get here?

Well, your car broke down and-

This is so much like a
movie! Giant killer rodents!
An evil scientist with
a chip on his shoulder!

A glamorous leading lady...

If this were a movie, this
would be the third act!

The third act! What's that??

It means we're about
to reach the climax...

[BLAM!]
[rustling]

It just went off!
It just went off!

Calm down, bring it back!

Calm down! Bring it back!
It's over! It's over!

[radio] Sir, I have the
president of the United
States on channel one!

Patch him through.

[radio] Captain Frost..

Mr. President.

You must be absolutely
certain of this decision.

Affirmative! Drop it!

All those people...
evacuate as many as you can!

Yes sir! Nuke 'em...

I've told you everything I know!

You ain't told us shit, bitch!

That's because I don't know
anything! There's killer
shrews running around-
KILLER SHREWS!

What more do you need??

Killer shrews! Say
something else for a Goddamn
change, how 'bout that?

Mittens!

Sir..

Boy's a tough one
sir, I don't know...

Forget him! Gather up the
men, we're moving out!

Yes sir!

Hey uh, shrews are
here! We gotta go!

We're out!

Do you think I can get
your autograph now?

Absolutely.

Make it out to Martin.

[giggle]

Miss Rae. Sheriff....
we're leaving, and I
suggest you do the same.

Something wrong Cap'n?

They're on their way.

Oh no, they're here already!

Quiet!

But I thought you said
this place was safe?

From the shrews, yes...
well, maybe. But not from
the big-ass nuke that's
about to hit the city!

[together] WHAT?!?

I've said enough!
Men, we're out!

Get the door, son.

[roaring]

[machine gun fire]

[screaming]

Kill 'em men! Shoot!

[gunshots]

There's more coming
through the door, men!!!

Get 'em!

[screaming, machine gun fire]
There's so many!

[shrew noises]

[gunfire]

There's too many of them!

[shrews screeching, gunshots]

[screaming]

Jimmy, no!!

Ahhhhh!!! [chomp!]

Jimmy!! Get up!!!

[Wilhelm scream!]

[gunshots]

Jimmy!!!

Jimmy!!

[screaming]

They killed Jimmy!!!!!!

[explosion of gunfire]

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!!!

[roaring, gunfire]

[screaming, machine gunfire]

Jimmy!!!!!

What are those things?!

I have no clue!!!

I think...I think
they're shrews!

What's a fucking shrew?!

I don't fucking know!!!

[screaming]

[roaring]

[yelping]

[machine gunfire, growling]

Ahhhhhhh!

[BANG!]
[BANG]

Ahhhhh!!!!!!

Die! Die ahhhhhhh!! Die ahhhhhh!

[shrew noises]

[machine gunfire]

This is Sheriff Blake! Do
not drop the nuke! I repeat,
do not drop the nuke!

[machine gunfire]

You have to press that
button and hold it down!

Duh!!

[screaming]

This is Sheriff Martin
Blake! Don't drop the nuke!

[radio] Sorry dude, this
is a restricted line.

You sonofabitch!

We have to find Cassandra!

Let's go!

[roaring, gunshots]

[shrew noises]

Oh sweet baby Jesus, I'm comin'!

Sonofabitch rat bastards!

[grunting]

Gimme a sec.... OK we're good!

Die! [BLAM!] [BLAM!]

Don't you know who I am?!

[BLAM!]

I'm Captain Jack Frost!

[BLAM!]
Die! [BLAM!] Die!!

Ahhhhhhhhh!!!
[animal grunts]

It's humping me!!

Get it off!

[deep breathing]

[action music]

[hiss]

[shrew noises]

[roaring]

[BLAM!]

[BLAM!]

[BLAM!]

[CRACK!]

[roaring]

[shrew screeches,
deep breathing]

[BLAM!]

Dude, why is he moving so slow?

I don't know!

Yo! Hey fellas!

Guys I think I'm good!

Aw they got Mittens!

No, no I'm OK!

Are you ok?

Uhhhh... nope, nope, they got
Ol' Mittens good this time!

[bang!]

OW! Goddamnit!

Come on!

[machine gunfire]

Fellas come on!

Aw bitch!

Shoot him in the head!

[machine gunfire]

[gunshots]

Where is everybody?

Steve!

JIMMY!

Derp derp derp...

...derp derp derp.

Well that's spooky!

[war noises] Kill
the shrews!!!!!

[gunfire, whimpering]

[screaming]

They left me! They left me
all alone! GASP! They left
me all alone! AHHHHH!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

[SPLAT!]

[VROOM!]

[gunshots]

You go help those guys!

Yessir!

Redirect the nuke! Redirect
the nuke! Do whatever you
gotta do for the love of God!

There's the sergeant!

The blondie! The
civilian! Where is she?!

We got separated!!

[gunshots, chomping, screaming]

If I were you I'd get your
fuckin' asses out of here!
It's coming! It's coming!

There she is!

Cassandra!

Lewis!

Fiona! It's way too dangerous!
You're gonna have to stay here!

I'm not staying here
without a weapon!

[squish!]

There you go! You go
kill those shrews!

[kung fu flute]

[roaring]

[machine gunfire]

[roaring]

[machine gunfire]

[roaring]
[machine gunfire]

[screaming]

[action music]

Uhh! Uggh!

Jimmy! Stop fucking
with me Jimmy!

AHHHH! [fart!]

Hold on!

Hey baby! What's your name? My
friends call me Zero but you
can call me whatever you want!

Come on baby don't be shy!
What's your sign? I'm a Virgo!

Hey, we should take a ride
in the countryside with the
top down, your top off..

AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!

Yea keep walking! Women..

Oh... hey there buddy, you lost?

Come here boy!

[danger music]

You don't have a collar!
I'm gonna name you Biscuit!

Hey, Biscuit! Come here boy!

Roll over! Roll over,
Biscuit! You're a good boy!

[shrew noises]

[roaring]
AHHHHHH!!!!!

[growling]

Let's get her and get
the Hell out of here!

Cassandra!!

[war noises]

[roaring] [grunting]

I'm sorry! I'm
sorry! I'm sorrrryyy!

I'm sorrrry! I'm sorrrryyy!

[spitting] I'm sorry!

I hope you don't have diseases!

Eeeeeeee!!!

[girly scream!]

[terrifying theme!]

[BLAM! BLAM!]

CASSANDRA!

Are you alright ma'am?

What the fuck was that thing?!

That was a KILLER SHREW!

A what??

A KILLER SHREW!

You're saying that THAT
was a KILLER SHREW?! [derp]

Yea! A KILLER SHREW!

[dundundunnn]

[jets roar overhead]

What the Hell was that??!

Those are the jets! They're
about to drop the nuke!
We gotta get outta here!
This town's been evacuated!

[yelling] I said get outta here!

[missile roaring]

[menacing theme]

Ah!

[breathing]

[drum beats]

Hey shrew! You wanna dance?
You wanna tango? Come on baby!

[clank]

[roar]

DERP!!!

[SPLAT!]

[missile roaring]

[menacing music intensifies]

[whimpering]

Cassandra!

Lewis!

[growling]

AHHHHHHHHH!!!

[screaming, roaring]

Cassandra noooo!

[chomping, screaming]

Oh my God, no!!!

C'mon Lewis, we gotta
get out of here!

Leave me alone!

C'mon we gotta get outta here!

We were gonna get married!

You WERE gonna get married!

Oh Cassandra no!

Lewis come on we've gotta go!

Leave me alone!

They're gonna drop the nuke!

[roaring]
[squish]

AHHHHH! Get back! Get
back! AHHHHHHH!!!!!!!

[roar, CHOMP!]

[chomp!]

[action music picks up]

Help me!

Are you alright?

Yes! Where's Lewis?
Where's Cassandra?

They're dead!
Everybody's fuckin' dead!

[evil giggling]

Is that Murdock??

Say hello to your grandpa!

[BLAM!]

[squeak!]

Blake! Before we die, there's
something I need to tell you...

Hold that thought,
there's Wayne!

Wayne, I knew you was alive!

You won't believe what
I've been through!

Oh, I know what you've
been through but we gotta
stop that thing, look!

I've got a better idea!

[throttle]

It's coming! It's coming!

I told you he was blinkin'!

[action score builds]

[missile roaring]

I got ya! Come on! I'ma getcha!

[whoosh!]

[heroic theme plays]

HAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Yeaaah!!!!

[nuke explosion]

[rumbling]

I can't see! I can't see!

I looked right into it,
they said ya can't look into
it! I looked right into it!

Oh my God!

This was a gift
from Giorgio Armani!

Where's my hat? Where the
Hell's my... there's my hat!
Where the Hell is Wayne??

Wayne!!

Wayne! Where are you?! Wayne!!!

[DUN DUN DUNNNNN!!!!]

[DUNNNNNNNN!!!]

[theme] It was a dark and
stormy night! The professor was
feeling good! Lewis is about...
to release the professor's
book! Fiona's on the way!

[theme] The scientist is in
the lab! Then it all went
bad! Shrews are on the loose!

[theme] Fiona's car breaks!
Sheriff's on the way!
Cassandra's so hot! Everybody
wants her! The shrews do too!!!

[theme] Doctor Murdock warns
everybody! Sheriff calls for
backup, which is his cousin!

[theme] Lewis searches for
the safe in the house! The
shrews are coming and they're
gonna kill everybody!!!

[theme] Killer Shrews! Ya
Shrews, Ya Lose! Whatcha
gonna do when they come for
you? They're big and ugly!
They've got a taste for blood!

[theme] Save yourself! Vicious
man-eating shrews! Killer
Shrews! Ya Shrews, Ya Lose!
Whatcha gonna do when they come
for you? They're big and ugly,
they've got a taste for blood!

[theme] Save yourself! Vicious
man-eating shrews! It starts
to get reeeeaaaaaaal!!!!

[theme] A shrew is humping
Lewis! The professor gets his
shotgun, and blows the shrew
away! Backup arrives, Wild
Wayne, which is his cousin!

[theme] They leave with Fiona on
the way to town! They flip over
the car! Shrews are everywhere!

[theme] Captain Jack
Frost bitch lock down the
town! Lock it down! He's
yelling "hold the line!"

[theme] Shrews are taking over!
Killing everybody! Time to drop
the nuke! Wayne shows up outta
nowhere on his motorcycle!

[theme] He grabs the nuke
[what?!] right in his hands
[what!!?!?] he's a crazy ass
man everything is going ham!!!

[theme] Killer Shrews! Ya
Shrews, Ya Lose! Whatcha
gonna do when they come for
you? They're big and ugly!
They've got a taste for blood!

[theme] Save yourself!
Vicious man-eating shrews!
Killer Shrews! Ya Shrews,
Ya Lose! Whatcha gonna do
when they come for you?!

[theme] They're big! And ugly!
They've got a taste for blood!
Save yourself! Save yourself!

[theme] Vicious man-eating
shrews! Run run ruuuun!!!

[theme] Shreeeeeeeeeews!

Yeah!

[clapping]

That was shrewtastic!
Yeah I love this movie-

Hey whattya doin' ya old Mel
Brooks looking' sonofabitch?!!

Hey hey hey! I'm
watching the movie-

Get outta my house! This
ain't the country club!

Wait!
Just get out!!!

Hey wait a minute! I-

AHHHHHH!