Attack of the Clones Review (2010) - full transcript

“Star Wars Episode 2: Attack of the Clones”
is the worst thing ever made by a human

except for the bagpipes.

[BAGPIPES]

Why is it so bad, you ask?

Well it’ll take a
little while to explain

because basically the answer involves
every single thing in the film…

except for Natalie
Portman’s midriff…

and THAT lady.

But what I can say for sure is that
every one of you out there at one point

before watching this
movie said to yourself,

“Well the Phantom Menace was awful,
but maybe THIS one will better.”



You attempted to rationalize
it by telling yourself that

at least this time there wasn’t
gonna be a little kid

Obi-Wan was in it more

and so was Boba Fett

and you think you might have
even saw a Storm Trooper.

So hopes were high that
Star Wars could be saved

and maybe we all just look
back on “The Phantom Menace”

as being that really bad one.

But what you didn’t realize is
how fucking wrong you were!

And you couldn’t have possibly imagined that
even with all the cool Star Warsy stuff

that “Attack of the Clones” could actually
be WORSE than “The Phantom Menace”.

That it could be the worst
thing since bagpipes.

It was at that moment
when you left the theatre

that you learned to never trust
your own judgment again.



To live the rest of your life plagued with
doubt and mistrust of everything and everyone.

You didn’t realize that the nightmare
of your own life had just begun.

Well don’t worry.

I’m here to help.

I’m here to bring
closure to everyone

so we can all move on.

Let’s jump in shall we?

(Obi-Wan) “I hate it when he does that.”

Ya… I bet you do asshole.

Number 1: Everything

Almost everything in this movie is wrong,
so I don’t even know where to start.

The only way to really
describe it was

to imagine that someone has dumped out 5
separate puzzles into a pile on the floor

mixed em all up, and told you to put
em all back together in 1 hour.

Or they were gonna stuff you into an old
fridge filled with flesh-eating cockroaches.

(Girl) "Why are you
doing this to us?"

"59 minutes!"

(Girl 1) "I don't want to. Why?"
(Girl 2) "You have to do it!"

Y’know if you stand back and
look at this movie as a whole

it just comes off
to the viewer as

some kind of assembly
line production

devoid of any emotional
involvement by anyone.

"DEB290 to 1023"

A film that coldly exploits the
works of craftsmen and artists

in a sterile, computer
controlled environment

resulting in a series of colourful, crisp
images that are played in a sequence.

I do understand that big movies
like this are basically a business

however, I would say
that most movies

not all

but most movies come from some
kind of creative spark somewhere.

(Watto) "Uhhh"

With the Star Wars prequels I’m just
not sure why they were even made.

(Lucas) "And. Action!"

It’s apparent that Lucas rushed out the
scripts on a legal pad in one draft

a few months before
they started shooting

without really thinking
things through

and he didn’t even seem
to care about ANYTHING

except for trying to
shove in as many things

as he could make into toys
or video games as possible.

In the first trilogy
until you got to the Ewoks of course

all the toys seemed to be
by-product of the movie.

There was a charming simplicity to it all.

Now everything sucks…

So do the prequels basically expose Lucas as
being a shallow, emotionless business man?

I’ll let you decide…

But the answer’s yes.

Number 2: The audience is expected to accept
too many things that we ARE and ARE NOT told

So this movie – like the last one –
still doesn’t have a main character.

Instead now it’s got two:
Anakin and Obi-Wan.

And I’m still not sure which one
we’re supposed to relate to.

I would think people could relate more
to Obi-Wan cuz he’s basically a good guy

who doesn’t murder people

but at the same time
he’s also very distant

cuz he’s like a weird monk
without any personality.

(Obi-Wan) "What?"

So take your pick, idiots.

It doesn’t really matter
at this point does it?

Anakin’s no longer an 8 year old and is
basically a whole new character at this point

because it’s been so long
since we’ve seen him.

And we barely knew Obi-Wan in the FIRST place
because he didn’t do anything in the last movie.

So they might as well have just
started the entire prequel saga here.

I mean why not?!?!

Qui-Gon died

and Anakin and Padme
just kinda met each other.

So then we’re given 60 seconds in an elevator to
establish that Obi-Wan and Anakin are friends.

And please notice how this is not
accomplished by how they ACT as friends

but rather it’s by them recounting
things that happened in the past.

Things we never see.

Something about falling
into a nest of Gundarks?

(Obi-Wan) "..this tense since we
fell into that nest of Gundarks."

Now this may SEEM trivial

but it establishes an important precedence
in the way these films were written.

We don’t see or feel characters
or connections with each other.

We have to be TOLD about them.

With Luke and Han Solo we
see their friendship grow.

At first they don’t
really like each other

then they save each
other’s asses a few times

go through some rough
patches together

and then they grow and
change like real people.

So when old Obi-Wan says
“And he was a good friend.”

you get a sense that it was
like a real friendship

but it never seems to have been

because Obi-Wan STILL seems
irritated with this brat

(Obi-Wan) “His abilities have
made him… well… arrogant!”

(Obi-Wan) “And you WILL pay
attention to my lead.”

(Anakin) "Why?"
(Obi-Wan) "What?"

And THIS is the height
of their friendship???

All Anakin does is complain about
Obi-Wan behind his back, too!

(Anakin) “He is overly critical.
He NEVER listens."

(Anakin) “It’s all Obi-Wan’s fault!”

(Anakin) "If master Obi-Wan caught me
doing this he would be very grumpy"

(Obi-Wan) "The boy is dangerous"

(Anakin) “He’s JEALOUS!”

(Obi-Wan) “And he
was a good friend.”

[RECORD SCRATCH]

So after we’re told that
Anakin and Obi-Wan are friends

based on all the events that
happened that we didn’t get to see

we’re then expected to know a few
things without being told them.

Two very integral
components of the film

Intergalactic Space Politics

and The Jedi.

Now let’s talk about what we DO know.

We know that the Jedi are an Order of
Knights that live in a temple on Coruscant

then the Galactic Senate is a big collection
of representatives from thousands of systems

that all meet in a big
mushroom and vote on things.

A large, corrupt, and impotent
United Nations in space.

I’ll explain the impotence later.

(Girls) "That's what he said!"

(Girls) "hehehe" (Plinkett) "Hey you
can't do that. Only guys can do that."

So it really is kind of amazing how inept
and corrupt this space democracy is.

It’s quite shocking how they can’t put
something so BIG to good use.

I guess size really DOESN’T matter, but
this topic is a little too tight right now.

I’ll get deeper into that later…

[CLEARS THROAT]
I’ll get deeper into that later…

Oh

So here’s a couple things that
no one understands at all.

Apparently anyone can
replace a Senator

pose as a Senator

and propose sweeping legislation
in place of a Senator.

Even a cartoon rabbit that
sounds like a retard

(Jar-Jar Binks) “Dello Felegates”

Apparently Jar Jar did it all on
his own without consulting anyone

after being OBVIOUSLY
guilted into it.

(Blue Satan Man) “If only
Senator Amidala were here.”

[LAUGH TRACK]

Then all we know about the
Sith is that they’re bad guys.

That’s pretty much it.

Are they ALL ex-Jedi’s?

(Mace Windu) “You refer to the prophecy of the
One who will bring balance to the force.”

Then what is this prophecy about?

What does it say?

Who wrote it???

WHEN?

What does bringing balance
to the force MEAN exactly???

(Alex Rogan) "I don't beleive this."

You see this is when a fish-out-of-water
main character comes in handy.

All those people know this stuff
so they don’t talk about it

but if you throw in a quick scene
where a character called a

Proahtaginist

has it explained to him then it’s
explained to the audience as well.

(Enduran) "Eons ago, our ancestors
created our great Frontier"

You see there are very few scenes
like this in the prequels.

A scene where somebody
explains what’s goin on.

Like scenes like this

(Grig) “For years all creatures have
dreamt of being Star Fighters.”

Hey wait a minute. That
thing looks famialiar.

Hey! How did that
get in this movie?

What? How is it in there?
What's going on?

Hey! Do those guys have PKE meters?

Am I going insane?

My brain is collapsing
in on itself.

Ok, back to the review.

Or like a speech like this where some
guy tells us what the fuck’s happening.

(Enduran) “Star League Justice
put down your Zerion cult!”

They tell us who
the bad guys are.

We see the bad guys do something
bad so we don’t like em.

[SCREAMING]

We get a lotta information so
that we know what’s happening.

You see the audience needs
to know who we care about

and we also need to know who our
enemies are and more importantly WHY?

If you don’t TELL us why
they’re our enemies

and we don’t KNOW why,
then we don’t care!

[STATIC]

Oh, I don't think you
should be seeing this.

Sorry about all this I am
taping over my old VHS tapes.

So there might be some
glitches in this review.

How do I turn this off?

(Plinkett) "Hey hows it going?
How you doing?"

Email me if you know
how to turn this off.

(Plinkett) "Wake up!"

Post a comment on this web zone
if you know how to turn this off.

(Girl) "Coughing"

(Plinkett) "Hey listen I was thinking maybe
you and I could have a cup of coffee"

(Girl) "Mister, I haven't drank in three
days and I just need some water please."

(Plinkett) "I was thinking more coffee.
You know have a nice chat. Talk about it."

(Girl) "Ok, I'll
have some coffee."

(Girl) "Untie me."

(Plinkett) "Why do you
want me to untie you?"

(Girl) "So I can
drink the coffee."

(Plinkett) "No I got this."

[STATIC]

(Girl) "...coffee..."

(Girl) "I can't get
up by myself."

Number 3: The Plot

So with all these complex
elements left totally unexplained

George starts throwing
the plot at us

which is basically the exact
same plot as the last film.

Palpatine is creating a crisis
to get something that he wants

and again nothing makes sense.

It starts with an explosion.

KABOOMZ!

Cuz, y’know, movies gotta
start with an explosion

or something that
gets the plot going.

(Gregar Typho) “I guess I was wrong.
There was no danger at all.”

Guess you spoke too soon.

(Cordé) “I failed you Senator.”

How did you fail her?

Isn’t that exactly what you
were supposed to do as a decoy?

I thought you took that
explosion pretty well.

Nice work!

Fantastic death scene too.

And you managed not too get
horribly burned at all.

Wait, how did you die???

Wait Amidala’s just a Senator right?

Why does she still have
decoy protecting her?

I thought that was just
a thing for the Queen.

When Palpatine was a Senator
did he have a decoy?

Was there like a similar-looking,
old man decoy for Palpatine?

Who would volunteer
for such a position?

So Count Dooku is rallying star systems
to align against the Republic.

They say Dooku is just
a political idealist.

(Ki-Adi-Mundi) "He's a political idealist."
Shut up! I'm talking!

(Amadala) “I think that
Count Dooku is behind it”.

Whoa, hold on little lady.

You don’t know what
you’re talkin about.

(Mace Windu) “You know, m’lady,
that Count Dooku was once a Jedi.

He couldn’t assassinate anyone.
It’s not in his character.”

So shut your mouth little girl!
You don’t know what you’re talking about.

So just shut your face!

But seriously, Yoda’s
glad you’re ok.

(Yoda) “Seeing you alive brings
warm feelings to my heart.”

Now get back in the kitchen.

Also let’s not forget that nasty business
with Darth Maul a couple years back.

Business – which apparently – no
one bothered to follow up on.

Y’know, come to think of it,
if the Jedi had just sent 1

or 2

or 3

or 4

or 5

or 6

or 7

Jedi’s back with them to Naboo

they might have actually CAPTURED Darth Maul
and figured out who he was working for.

Can you imagine the look on his face
when he opened the door and is all like

“I’m a fuckin BADASS!”

and then, and then he’s
like, “Ooooohhhh…

Um… How do you
close these doors?

Is it this button?

Ok, there it goes.”

Oh God! Why am I even talking
about this movie still?

Someone HELP ME!

Y’know they make a magic potion

that makes you forget about “The
Phantom Menace” when you drink it.

It’s called Bleach!

Number 4: Love and Marriage

So let’s just get right into this.

It’s been like 10 years since
Anakin has seen Padme

and while he was a Jedi in training
and she was active in politics

they never once bumped
into each other.

Maybe Anakin was spending too
much time in Obi-Wan’s Outer Rim.

(Obi-Wan) “Yes. Hmhmhm.”

Uh… I mean in the Outer
Rim with Obi-Wan!

Oh boy that didn’t
come out right.

(Girls) "That's what he said!"
[GIRLS LAUGHING]

Hey! Quiet. That ain't funny.

I'm gonna get you two.
[GIRLS LAUGHING]

So he knows he’s gonna go talk to her now,
and he’s suddenly really excited.

Who WOULDN’T be?

What red-blooded male wouldn’t wanna
dock his canoe in Natalie’s Port, man?

Now, all joking aside, why aren’t
the Jedi’s allowed to love

cuz we’re told they’re
not allowed to.

But it’s never really explained.

Does anyone get like a creepy
vibe from these movies?

I guess it’s got something to
do with like purging emotions

to avoid being tempted
by the Dark Side right?

But Obi-Wan, y’know,
he smiles, he laughs

he gets annoyed

(Obi-Wan) "What?"
"Well you've lost him."

he enjoys a good sarcastic quip

(Obi-Wan) "Oh this is
going to be easy."

sometimes he gets really,
really pissed off.

(Obi-Wan) “YOU WILL BE EXPELLED
FROM THE JEDI ORDER!!!”

So, so LOVE leads to the Dark Side,
but getting fuckin pissed doesn’t?

(Obi-Wan) “COME TOO YOUR SENSES!!!”

I mean the Jedi’s aren’t
supposed to be Vulcans right?

Even Vulcans took wives and had sex.

So really the only thing that made Obi-Wan
different from like a normal person

was that he didn’t express
any interest in chicks.

(Obi-Wan) “I was beginning to
wonder if you’d GOT my message.”

Lack of sex can drive men crazy y’know.

So when they find out that you got a high
Midichlorian count in your blood stream

I guess your parents give you to
the Jedi as a baby to be trained

in this creepy,
cult-like environment.

And you lose all your free will.

I guess those parents don’t have any emotional
attachment to their children either.

You see none of those kids made a personal
commitment to follow this rigid lifestyle.

You can’t make those kinda
decisions when you’re 2!

So unless Yoda injected each
Jedi with some kind of serum

that makes you NOT interested
in the opposite sex

you’d think the Jedi would have major
problems when they all hit puberty.

So then Amidalan finally
sees Anakin again

and for no reason she’s not
allowed to love either.

(Amadala) “We CAN’T. It’s… just not possible.”

WHAT THE FUCK?!

She’s just a Senator.
Why can’t she fuckin DATE a guy?

(Amadala) "I'm a senator."

For Christ’s sake.

Parents don’t love their kids

men don’t love women

Mace is unmarried

Palpatine don’t got a wife.

In fact the only person in the
Galaxy who’s married is Jimmy Smitz.

(Bail Organa) "My wife and
I will take the girl."

Why is he in this movie?

They should’ve just put
Paul Blart Mall Cop in the movie.

I mean, why not?

Look, I’ve been
through a divorce too

and I had some pretty
bad relationships

but really this is getting
kinda creepy don’t you think?

“They do decide to give
in to their emotions

and ultimately they will suffer
all the consequences of that.”

And you don’t gotta be a sex therapist to
figure out what THIS represents.

Now you can see why people
hate these fucking movies

cuz the people in them act like
weird space aliens and not PEOPLE.

Now technically they ARE
weird space aliens

but we can’t relate to their fucking
weird, sterile, sexless universe.

They seem as cold and
lifeless and boring

as the computer generated world
they’re projected against.

Simple, real, genuine moments like this

have been replaced by this

Eventually though, we
are forced to endure

the most bizarre, loveless, awkward, and
forced romance in cinematic history.

But I’ll get deeper into
that business later.

(Girls) "That's what he said!"

Hey! Cut it out. Look I said I'll
talk about their love later.

I just wanted to touch
my briefs on this

Uh I mean briefly touch on this!

Til then I leave you with the
immortal words of Dr. Sigmund Freud

“Sometimes a cigar is just a giant vagina
in the desert that swallows men whole.”

Send in the Clones

So this movie’s called “Attack of the Clones”

so I guess we should
talk about THAT shit

and what can laughingly
be called the plot.

So Count Dooku has bugs make robots
so that the Republic gets scared

and then wants to make clones to
fight the robots that the bugs made.

But the clones were already being made before
the robots were being made by the bugs.

If you’re confused,
don’t be ashamed.

Even the writer of the film
doesn’t understand it.

So I guess Palpatine’s got Dooku talking
to evil star systems into joining them.

Including ones led by

Count Chocula

Rosie the Robot

and another racist cartoon.

So let’s talk about what makes no sense.

If the Galactic Republic is
made up of a thousand worlds

then why can’t they scrounge up a volunteer
army to defend them against the robots?

For no reason a fat, racist
cartoon knows about Kamino

and the fact that they
make clones there

but no one else seems to know about
this planet or ever heard of it.

Even Yoda, who’s been alive for 800 years.

So Obi-Wan finds the planet
where the dart came from

and it belongs to a bounty hunter named
Boba Fett who’s hangin out there.

He’s the guy who’s tryin to kill Padme.

Padme is the Chief Senator opposed
to the Military Creation Act.

Drawing any connections yet?

PALPATINE’S BEHIND IT ALL!!!

Then Obi-Wan sees all the clones

and discovers that the order to make them
was placed under suspicious circumstances.

This was like 10 years ago, and the exact same
time that Palpatine was elected Chancellor.

PALPATINE’S BEHIND IT ALL!!!

So Obi-Wan sends him a message
and tells him about the clones

but Mace Idiot still thinks they’re
lookin for Padme’s assassin

(Mace Windu) “Do you think these Cloners are involved
in the plot to assassinate Senator Amidala?”

I think this discovery of the clone
army is a little more important

than who’s tryin
to kill stupid Padme.

PALPATINE’S BEHIND IT ALL!!!

(Yoda) “Do not assume anything Obi-Wan.”
Hey!

(Yoda) “Clear your mind must be.”
Hey idiots!

(Obi-Wan) “Did the Council ever authorize
the creation of a clone army?”

(Mace Windu) “No.”

(Yoda) “Only the Dark Lord of the
Sith knows of our weakness.”

You don’t have to tell em about
your diminished use of the force.

Just tell em that Obi-Wan found the clones
are suspiciously being made already

and if you think that a Sith is
pulling strings in the Senate

just order blood tests
done on everyone.

What do I mean by that?

Well in Star Trek: Deep Space 9 if they
thought somebody was a shape shifter

they cut open their hand
and drip out some blood,

and if it didn’t change into the shape
shifter then you were a real person.

And it’s been established that you can
count Midichlorians in someone’s blood

to see how much force
they got in em.

They would find a lotta
Midichlorians in Palpatine's...

Bright Lights, Dumb City

Y’know I could spend 10 hours talking about just
how incredibly dumb this entire sequence is

but I’m gonna try to do it in 9.

So the plot is that someone‘s tryin
to kill Amidala for no reason

and Anakin and Obi-Wan are
assigned to protect her.

So she doesn’t sleep in an interior bedroom of this
building with no window where it would be safer

but rather in a room where
the blinds are half-open

and a city of 900 Quadrillion
people can see her

especially the robot
that’s there to kill her.

They say they’re doin this so she
can be bait to catch the assassin

(Obi-Wan) “You’re using her as bait”

but she turns off any kind of camera
surveillance so she can have her privacy

(Anakin) “I don’t think she
liked me watching her.”

Is that more important than
your life, you dumb Bimbo?

Even, at the very least, aim
the camera’s at the windows

cuz that’s the only way in.

You see surveillance cameras are only
really useful for some kinda slow attack

that you could run in and stop.

They won’t do any good if someone like
launched a missile at the building

or perhaps fired a purple
space bazooka at her window.

GEEEE…

Maybe you’d better rethink this
whole “bait” thing idiots.

In fact, this assassin character
actually has a blaster rifle

and seems like she’s
a pretty good shot.

She could’ve just parked her speeder across
the street and shot Padme through the window.

She apparently knew where she was
sleeping cuz she sent the robot there.

Also what makes em so sure that the
assassin’s gonna try and kill her tonight?

You see the thing with assassins is they
strike when you least

[GUN SHOT]

Hey, sorry about that. I had a movie on in
the other room. I wanted to go turn it off.

(Gregar Typho) “The situation is more
dangerous than the Senator will admit.”

Ya the situation is SO DANGEROUS you’re
walkin around in the middle of broad daylight

when Padme is clearly visible
through many open windows.

And YOU’RE the security chief?!

So instead they’re waiting for
the assassin to strike tonight

just like they read the
script in advance.

But then a floating robot thing
cuts a hole in the glass

and releases deadly
centipedes into the room.

Y’know if this robot probe
was equipped with a blaster...

KABLAMMO!
No more Amidalma.

So anyway these bugs were given to
this assassin by a guy named Boba Fett

who is also an assassin.

Well technically he’s a bounty hunter, but
I’m sure he could get the job done.

So why exactly did an assassin
hire another assassin???

Why didn’t he just do the job
himself if they’re his clients?

(Boba Fett) “My client
is getting impatient!”

Everyone seems to know where
Padme’s room is anyway

and Boba Fett DOES have a jetpack
that he can launch a rocket out of.

Anyway, so because R2-D2 didn’t
aim the scanners at the window

y’know like the most likely place
an attack would occur from

the deadly bugs get in the room.

(Obi-Wan) "I sense it too."

Anakin senses this and runs
in the room and kills em.

Then Obi-Wan goes
against his own advice

“Patience. Use the force.
Think.”

and then recklessly throws himself
out the window at the probe droid.

Now a couple of things
here he didn’t know

A. He didn’t know if he could catch the
robot in time before falling to his death.

B. If the probe could
even support his weight.

C. That the probe was not also a small bomb
that would have exploded when he grabbed it.

This is another case of classic
role reversal as well.

Anakin really should have been the one that threw
himself out the window after the probe droid.

Obi-Wan would have made like an annoyed face, and
then went out after him in the Jetson’s car.

Obi-Wan didn’t really seem to have too
much interest in this assignment anyways

other than to provide
basic protection.

“We are here to
protect you Senator

not to start an investigation.”

After getting his Gundark stuck in Anakin’s
nest, he wanted to just phone this one in.

Are you guys sure that wasn’t supposed
to be Anakin jumpin out the window?

Did they make a mistake when filming
the scene, and then just left it?

Wait Amidala’s head of security
has no depth perception?

I take it back.

Obi-Wan, maybe you SHOULD
start an investigation.

Hey wait! Isn’t she dead?!

Gosh Padme, you’re really burnin
through these decoys aren’t you.

Anyone wanna be Padme’s next decoy?

Everyone’s tryin to kill her.

Step right up!

So Obi-Wan’s flyin around on this thing,
and Anakin somehow knows how to find him

even though by the time he gets to the
speeder Obi-Wan’s probably 500 miles away.

I guess the force told him where to go so
that he could eventually become Darth Vader.

What if this assassin tricked the Jedi
into chasing after the probe droid

like using it as bait?

Then after they left he just floated his
car up to the window and shot Padme.

I guess when you rush off and chase after
a probe droid without a moment’s hesitation

you can make a pretty
big mistake like that.

(Obi-Wan) “Patience! Use the Force!”

Also it’s revealed in a bit that
this assassin is a shape shifter

which could very well be the most advantageous
attribute that an assassin could possibly have

but instead he went with the whole
bug-through-the-window approach.

Y’know, the classic.

This also leads me to wonder why someone who
could disguise their face by changing it

would NEED to wear a disguise.

So anyway they’re assuming that this person
driving the space car is an assassin

when really they could just
be like a getaway driver

or maybe like a regular person who’s under some
kinda mind control to commit the assassination.

But despite having almost
no information at all

Anakin lands on top of the speeder and then
attempts to murder her with his light saber.

Now I understand he
really “loves” Padme

but c’mon, are you even 100% certain
you landed on the right speeder???

So then they crash-land and she
runs inside of like a night club

and Obi-Wan says, “He went in
there to HIDE, not to run!”

Umm, how do you know that?

HEY!
I asked you a question!

How do you know he ran in there to hide?
Did you read the script too?

Hey what’s that?! What’s that on the
ground over there? Is that the script?!

Anyway maybe the assassin went in
there because he knows the owner

and there’s like a secret
backdoor escape route?

Or this was like a backup plan
in case he got chased there?

Maybe there’s Ten Nausicaans waiting
for the Jedi at the Dom-Jot table?

(Nausicaan) “Play Dom-Jot human?!”

Obi-Wan makes a lot of
assumptions, doesn’t he?

Eh, maybe the force told him.

BUT, when Anakin tells him it’s a shape
shifter Obi-wan knows to be extra careful.

(Obi-Wan) “In that case, be EXTRA careful.”

As if they were only being
sort of careful before.

So they go in there and they look around, and then
the assassin does something out of character.

He attempts to kill one of the Jedi.

This guy’s mission was to kill Padme!

If he’s in a position to where
he could sneak up on a Jedi

then why isn’t he using
this opportunity to ESCAPE?

Especially when he’s NOT sure
where the OTHER Jedi is.

These are like AMATEUR mistakes.

So Obi-Wan brutally
cuts his arm off

in a scene that’s supposed to mirror the
original Star Wars Cantina scene I guess.

(Lucas) “Again it’s like
poetry, so that they rhyme.”

[MUFFLED TALKING]

Oh hey what's up?

Listen I can't really talk right now I am right
in the middle of doing my new Star Wars review.

We could talk... OH MY GOD! WHAT'S
WRONG WITH YOUR FACE!

So then Anakin acts like some
kind of undercover, thug cop.

(Anakin) “Jedi business. Go
back to your drinks.”

(Anakin) “Who hired you? Tell us.”

(Anakin) “TELL US NOW!”

I thought Jedi were like peaceful
guardians of the Republic, not Serpico.

Well, I guess when the guy
who’s training you says this

(Obi-Wan) “This weapon is your LIFE!”

then you kind of have a
distorted view of things.

What was it that Yoda once said?

(Yoda) “Wars not make one great!
hehmhmhm”

(Obi-Wan) “This weapon is your LIFE!”

But now a WEAPON is
your whole life???

In fact Yoda never even trained
Luke with the light saber.

It seemed like all the other
stuff was more important.

Eh, I guess I just don’t understand…

This is a buncha shlock.

So then the assassin with perfect assassination
skills takes out the other assassin

when he shoulda just
killed Amidala himself.

Hey guys! THERE’S the bounty
hunter responsible for everything.

Yup. He’s flyin away in a jetpack…
probably with a limited range.

Hey remember when you guys were somehow able to
chase after and locate ONE speeder among millions?

How ‘bout you run back to YOUR speeder
and chase after THIS GUY now?

I’m sure he’s not gonna get
too far in a ROCKET PACK.

I bet you’re tired though…

I’d be tired too…

I get tired just walking
out to my shed sometimes.

So how you doing?

How's things?

(Girl) "I'm fine. Mister,
I miss my baby."

Baby? You know it's been
like three days right.

I'm afraid your baby
is with the angels

(Girl) "If you woulda killed me you woulda
done it by now. Just let me go. Please."

Kill you? I ain't gonna kill you.
I brought you up here for a reason.

(Girl) "What?! Oh mister please just let
me go. I promise I won't tell the cops."

[GROWLING] NO! NO! [GROWLING]

Oh. My pizza rolls is done.

Do you want some pizza rolls?
(Girl) "No thanks."

Are you sure? They're
really good pizza rolls.

They're hot and pizzay and tastey.
In fact it's all I really eat.

You should really try to have...
OH FUCK ME. GET BACK HERE.