At Stake: Vampire Solutions (2012) - full transcript

In other news,
we still have no word on

the missing campers
reported last Saturday.

After combing the forest
area, where the campers

were last seen,
search and rescue workers

are not optimistic.

Vampire control teams
have been called in.

Early reports suggest
that this may be the latest

in a series of vampire
attacks in our city.

First responders to the
scene in Cordova report

coming into contact with
at least three vampires,

but finding signs that there
may be more in the area.



Well since the development
began back in the early '30s

for a vaccine or cure, we've
actually made many advances

towards that goal.

What most people don't
realize, however,

is that the virus
mutates like the flu,

or any other virus.

People need to keep
track of the vampire force

in their area, just like
you do with sex offenders

and other criminals.

I talk to people all
the time who tell me

they have no idea
vampires were in the area.

Originally it was intended as
a way for one to

protect themselves from the viciousness

of an enraged bear attack.



However, some of the ideas
and technologies have

superseded the needs of
simple bear attack protection.

Welcome to Northern Mississippi.

I'm Evan Shandling,
and it's here that I've

chosen to film my thesis for graduation.

Here's where I'll fully
explore the struggles

of the working class
of today's economy,

known to see what they're
really going through

due to our current climate and

per our latest administration.

Not only that, but I'll do
so by showcasing employees

in one of the most dangerous,
and often,

thankless jobs there really is,
vampire removal.

Small business probably never
looked clearer on film, I bet.

Yeah, well this is the place,
so let's go inside

and hopefully meet everybody.

Okay guys, I'll be interviewing
you each by yourselves

at different times during
this week.

A week!

(Mumbles) boss man, ain't
no way he makes it a week.

Am I right, or am I right?

Roy man, shut up.

Yeah, anyway,
we'll do several group sessions

like this, when we can too.

Okay Carl, if you could just
go ahead and sit right there,

in the middle, okay...

Yeah, just like that,
okay now Kevin and Eddie,

can you just get in the shot.

Right here?

All right everybody.

On the count of three,
I'm gonna need you to say hi,

we are At Stake Vampire Solutions.

Ready, one, two, three.

Hi, we are At Stake Vampire Solutions.

Okay, Carl,
now that I got you here,

I'm a little concerned.

I get the sense that I'm
not really wanted here.

A few of the team
don't seem too happy.

That's not it at all man.

You just saw which one of
them owes me some money.

It was a real question around here

whether or not you'd show up.

Bets were placed.

Oh, okay.

Seriously though, we did
schedule some news reporters

to do stories on us, it would've
been good exposure for us.

Good for business,
but at the last minute,

these professional news guys.

No show, and that's a
tough pill to swallow.

So it was really highly
debatable that you'd show up.

I bet on you, but I do
need to ask you something.

Do you have some kind
of death wish son?

Because following us around,

not gonna be too peachy for you.

Matter of fact,
it's gonna get nasty, yes, yes.

It's just after 10:00 PM.

We're responding to a
call from a park ranger

and local police here at
Arkla Lakes.

Some campers reportedly
haven't come back as expected.

Okay, so how do they attack?

I mean, are we just gonna get
rushed by a bunch of them?

Well they are scavengers,

so you never truly know sometimes.

I think the answer
you're looking for is

if we get rushed,
can we handle it.

And that would be a yes,
we'll fuck 'em up real good

with a face full of glass marbles.

What, you're shooting marbles?

Yeah, we're a small business,
that's what you get.

Money's tight,
so we have to work as cheaply

efficient as we can, these
are modded paint ball guns.

We kicked up the air compression
and freeze our barrels

(Mumbles) for firing glass marbles.

They don't just turn
them into riot guns,

essentially either.

Vampires, being soft dying
tissue for the most part,

we can really tear them up,
slow them down at least.

Huh, that's still a good thing.

Fuckin'-A you're right.

That's our Roy,

professionally comforting
with words.

I hope we're not hunting
a bear like the last time.

Yeah, I nearly forgot about that.

Yeah, that was some shit
right there.

Oh come on now, it was a fun night

from what I can remember.

Yeah, that's because
you're a psychopath.

So firing modded paintball
guns worked on a bear?

Yeah, that's my thoughts exactly.

It sure slowed his ass

down enough for us to scatter.

Well, at least it's not a bear.

So it's definitely a vampire?

Yes, yes.

That definitely
sounds like one of them.

There may be more than one,

the rest are just deaf.

Hurry up.

Hey, come on man, don't push me.

I call point.

I swear, that girl was
just born in (Mumbles).

If she didn't have this job,

she'd probably want the
one throwing the switch

in the electric chair down in Texas.

I heard that.

What, you can't
accept the fact that

a girl wants to have a little fun.

Shit I'll give you some fun.

He's right at us,
he's coming towards us.

Sweep formation!

Slow approach!

Oh shit! (Mumbles).

Whoa, come here Evan,
get a shot of that shit!

That's vampire shish
kabob right there.

Watch out, I got this.

Oh, holy shit!

Guys, still got
some more campers to find.

It's just after 11:00 PM.

I think we found our campers.

I got this, come on,
let's have us a look see.

Whoo, damn.

Oh my God.

(Mumbles) let's do this.

You too boy, get your knife out.

You may wanna get
a close up of this.

Or not.

This ain't nothing but divine justice,

don't think of it as anything less.

Now cut him up!

All right Carl,
I would like to start off today

by debunking a few of these

false perceptions about vampires.

Okay, where would
you like to begin?

Well I think a good place to begin,

and I think one of the
more popular myths,

yet one I've never really
seen anything about, really,

is vampires dying from direct sunlight.

Well that's because
it's complete bullshit.

You are never gonna see a
vampire burst into flames,

or explode into a gooey mess

because of exposure to sunlight.

Vampires wouldn't
even come out at night

if sunlight alone could kill them,

because the damn light that
comes off the moon is what?

Reflected sunlight.

Now, vampires during
the daytime are

more affected by the heat.

It be like taking a sponge
from under the ocean,

totally saturated in
water, and uprooting it,

and throwing it onto the street.

It's gonna dry out, it's gonna
die, it's gonna crumble away.

Vampires are creatures that
need to stay saturated also.

But of course it's not
water they need, it's blood.

Okay, so what about
in colder climates though?

What would we see them
about during the day then?

Well, not too cold,
they don't hold up against

the freezing temperatures
any better than anyone else.

What you need to understand
here is that the blood

they feed on, still dies
within a 24 hour period.

It doesn't provide any circulation,

it doesn't generate any heat.

We used to use those thermal
energers to track vampires,

but that didn't work out so well

It damn near got us
killed it failed so bad.

What we're finding in this
business is more evidence

to this questions debate
really, as to whether

vampires are purely instinctive,

or do they retain some
of their previous human

intelligence and memory.

It's a deep argument, and both
sides make some valid points.

We're here with Detective Richardson

who is only one of seven
officers stationed in the area.

Detective Richardson,
I'm curious to a veteran police

officers views of vampire
removal services,

the local AS:VS company, especially.

Maybe you'd even like to speak
on behalf of your coworkers

if you feel you can, you know.

Just whatever opinions
of the whole situation

you'd like to share.

I'll give you more than an opinion.

I can tell you without a doubt,
not a single police,

or rescue officer, that I
know, or have talked to,

wants to mess around
with the vampires.

Yeah, we have our
directives from above,

but not a single one
of us is crazy enough

to want that risk.

I could get stabbed, or shot,
or cut up taking down some

perps but I go to the hospital,
and nine times out of 10,

I'm gonna leave there, go
home, and see my wife and kids.

But you get one bite from a vampire,

you're looking at losing
a limb to amputation,

dying, or even worse,
turning into one of them.

Well, screw that, these
people up in Washington

continually sticking their
nose in our business down here.

They wanna use state
regulated authorities to start

contracting all vampire removals.

They want us to step
up to the plate,

and be this whole new
type of marine core,

but hey, this documentary
you're doing here,

I mean, as soon as they see
what this company, AS:VS,

is all about, see what
they go through everyday

and every night,
they might do that.

They might subsidize some
folks, get better training

for the ones all ready
willing to do the damn jobs.

Just treat them right,
quit making so many

ignorant-ass cut backs.

So, Kevin as we're
comparing the real life

vampire to the fictionalized vampire,

a popular topic that
comes up is fangs.

Do they really have fangs?

No, they don't have fangs.

What you'll see happen is
they all end up with broken,

or chipped teeth because
they bite into anyone,

or anything, they even
eat the bones too.

You know, man?

So naturally, anyone who
lives to still see a vampire

always goes on about
how awful they look,

or how menacing their teeth is.

I'm sure not before too
long you start hearing all

these stories and that's
how you get all these

vibes about these fang filled monsters.

My name is O'Del Turner,
I'm groundskeeper of

Magnola Cemetery now
for about 17 years.

Mr. O'Del, please
share any unique views

you may have on vampires
and a company like AS:VS.

I don't know that
I got too unique a view.

Something that's always stuck
with me about them, though,

good many years ago,
I worked for the big city zoo,

two counties over in Ridgeland.

I remember having to learn
up on these particularly

huge lizards they brought
in from Indonesia,

called them Komodo Dragons.

They want us studied up on
the fact that feeding them,

and wrangling with
them if we had to,

would be far riskier than
even being with the lions.

Problem being that they
have about the worse

mouths you could imagine,
full of jagged teeth

and old festering meat just
stays stuck up in there.

Worst bacteria you could
imagine gets backed up.

And it's instantly in your
bloodstream from the first bite.

Now, you might get away from
one after that first bite,

might even let you go on purpose.

But that's just them
playing you for sport.

They'll wait for that
first bite to get at you,

then they'll have a real go
at you.

Anyway, that's why I never
ramble around

the cemetery without my shovel.

Done lost count a long
time back how many vamps

I've kept away from
with this here fellow.

Yes sir, I've definitely
appreciated the AS:VS

workers over the years.

No matter how many employee
changes they've gone through,

they always do solid work.

Now that Carl, he trains them right.

They're not about
trying to learn on them

like some of the
groups you hear about.

Nope, they find them,
they kill them,

and that's the only
way as I see it.

So Kevin, I get that you're

second in charge at AS:VS?

Based on seniority, definitely.

We're all pretty equal though.

We better be, you know.

Of course Eddie is still
considered a trainee,

but you know, he'll be
up to speed in no time.

That's if he hangs around.

Man, I must have been in
this place about 50 times

in my four years on the job.

I'm still amazed by all
the artistry that goes

into these huge headstones.

I mean, they just don't
make them like this anymore.

Hope it down sound morbid
or anything like that,

I just appreciate the history.

Nah, actually what
I got out of your statement

is that you're surprisingly

clear headed at a time like this.

And it's kind of wild
to think that any of you

could calmly think
about something else.

You get used to it.

Ain't nothing but a thing.

Ah, don't go lying now, guys.

Yeah, some people
just try to act angry

or tough all the time,
it's their facade.

They don't want you
to really know they're

affected by anything at all.

They're just really trying to
hide what's really underneath.

Fact is, we're all scared.

I mean, we might speak or act
a certain way on the outside,

but inside,
we're just like how you and

Eddie over there look right now.

All right,
so we've been in the cemetery

for maybe about an
hour and a half now,

and I can clearly hear that
we are being surrounded.

We're just being circled.

There's just one of them,

but he's playing with us
pretty good.

Okay, then just
one is sizing us up.

It's toying with us
like an animal might.

You can see that the AS:VS
team has formed a circle

with their backs to me,
and they call this the keep

formation because they
are protecting me,

a civilian, like a king
atop a central tower refuge.

This is getting wild.

Oh boy, we got a faster one here.

Show yourself fuckhead,
come get some!

I can't see shit,
I don't have a shot.

You're doing just fine Eddie,

you keep your wits about you,
and hold in your formation.

That's all I need
you to do right now.

Just wait for it son,
it will make a go at us.

It's just getting its courage up.

Oh shit no,
it's using the headstones,

I can kind of see it, and my
camera can barely make it out.

Which direction?

Show us where.

I think that it's just
a couple in front of us now.

Don't get giddy now.

If we had some fuckin' night vision,

this shit would be done by now.

Amy, it is right in front of you!

I'll circle around him.

Amy, I can't say that's
a good idea with this one.

I got this, come on camera boy.

Amy.

Shit!

Everybody break wide,
cover Amy's back.

Watch your lines of fire!

You better know
what the hell you're doing!

Damn it, I think I missed.

Whoo, it's on now!

There he is!

Well hell, check him out!

I'm sure those neck
shots are probably mine.

I think if you dig those out,

you'd see those were mine Boss Man.

I wanna know who's
aiming for his ass.

You taking ass shots boy?

No.

Look at all those marbles in
his ass.

I didn't ass blast him, you did.

Who cares, I'm happy the
kid actually hit the target.

True enough, you did good son,
you did real good.

So the marbles
are laced with something

that kills them, is that what..

No, we're waiting to
see if any of his vampire

friends come for him.

Since nobody's coming,
hold my gun!

See, I save all my
energy for the fight.

But I know we all have
our ways about us.

Kevin, the vampire mythology's breaking

down to a reality with every
minute that I spend with

you guys, and something
that I've noticed is I've

not seen or smelled
a hint of garlic.

So is that just yet
another piece of fiction?

You know, garlic has its uses,
but so far

a deterrent is not what
it's made out to be.

For centuries, garlic was always
known as a blood thinner.

Per actual facts
that you come across,

they used to stuff garlic
in the mouths of the dead,

and they would throw
them inside the caskets

before sealing them
and burying them.

Now before we had
all these cutbacks,

we were working with a veterinarian
at a local pet hospital.

He was all for helping us
convert these tranquilizer

guns into injecting
darts of minced garlic.

Never got to test them
though, but still,

I don't think it would do
anything but slow them down.

Now what really puts them
on their ass is silver.

Silver, really?

Yeah, oh yeah, we surprised
how well silver works.

Do explain.

You know what,
all this talk about garlic,

I'm getting kind of hungry, craving.

You mind if we finish
the rest of the interview

at Italia Deli, it's a
great little place in town.

Uh, yeah, sure, I mean,
as long as they'll

sign the release for filming there.

So the best garlic can
do is sicken a vampire

that drinks your garlic ingested
blood stream, basically.

But you said that silver
was the real deal.

I mean, how so?

Silver, it's actually the
most amazing element on earth.

The reason we haven't eaten
with wooden forks or spoons

in since forever, because
no bacteria or virus

known to man, can survive
longer than 10 seconds

when exposed to it.

Oh, there's something else too.

They use silver to make mirrors.

The reason most
vampires don't like it,

when broken into pieces, it
becomes a very powerful weapon.

Dear AS:VS, I hope you can
shed some light and are

hopefully in our corner over
how a lot of funeral homes

are charging double for reburials.

Can we get this changed?

Ah, the only double death tax.

That is a pain in the ass though.

A few years ago, at the state capitol,

they pitched a fit about it,
but there never was

an actual law or bill passed.

So, sadly they still
can charge you twice.

See, well,
that's why I'm doing what

everyone else does these days.

Cremation?

That's right, sir.

I mean, burn me up, I can't
stand the thought of being

some ghoul up all night
terrorizing folks because

I got the cannibalism munchies,
you know?

You know what I wanna do?

I wanna be put on this tall
platform, like made out

of wood, and then I wanna
hold all my AS:VS gear,

and just burn me up like ashes.

You know, kind of like
how they used to do

with the medieval knights.

But you know what
would be even better?

You put me on this wooden boat,

and I can like hold my soul
and then ya'll can just

put me on a lake and
just put me on fire.

Just send off like the Vikings,
you know what I'm saying?

I mean, that's real warrior
sendoff right there homie.

Yeah man, that's the
real Beowulf thing.

You know, we'd have to
even chain you down or

mop your head off because
we can't have you turning

into a vampire on a burning
boat and jump in water.

You'd be a half-burned-up-ass vampire.

That's true, you know,
I'd hate to come back at all,

but I sure don't want
to be no crispy motherfucker

running around,
you know what I'm saying?

There is that.

Cremation.

Cremation.

Cremation.

Hey, welcome to Oakdale Sanitarium,

and we're in the basement now.

We're about to do our third
sweep here tonight.

A lot of people commonly
mistake the symptoms

of vampirism with other diseases,

such as mental dementia,
and when that happens,

they bring them to the
asylums and sanitariums

for treatment, instead of
doing what needs to be done.

Damn right.

Right, like I said,
we're about to begin our third

sweep, we've all ready
cleared floors one and two.

All hospital crew and
patients have previously

been evacuated up to
floors three and four.

So if you follow us,
we'll show you how we

handle this particular infestation.

Hell yeah.

Up next on World's Wildest
Vampire Hunts,

we go on location as (Mumbles)..

Man fuck Night Force.

Hey, y'all Night Force is on TV.

Abandoned railroad town.

Then, we'll head
further south to talk...

Hey, I'm out.

Man.

You look very nice, Amy.

Thanks.

Yeah boss man,
I need off tonight too.

Because see, Amy's old man called,
and I forgot to tell you

that he can't make it.

So I told him I'd take
care of her for him.

Um.

He didn't mind though.

That's bologna.

You are such full of shit.

My date would never talk
to or approve you, Roy,

for anything, and it's not a guy.

Come here Evan.

Hey, you got my full permission
to follow Amy tonight

instead of me, okay?

I need lots of close ups,
and tight action shots, please.

Roy, sit your ass
down and leave Evan alone.

Well, I'm just trying to get some...

I think everybody wants to...

All right, shit.

It's 10:30 and we're
responding to a domestic call

from Lita Willis's roommate.

Now apparently,
Lita's one of these girls that

dresses all gothic and
vampiric and all that bullshit.

Anyhow, this is the
first time her roommate

thinks she may have actually
came in contact with a vampire.

So we're going to check
out the situation.

All right,
we're arriving at the call,

so we're gonna see
what the situation is.

And I can tell right away that

it's a pretty stable situation.

Now, I notice that her roommate
ain't covered in blood,

so that's a positive thing.

So we can probably go ahead
and leave all of our weapons

out here in the car,
except for our knives.

Because domestically, the
last thing you wanna do

is go in all half cocked,
you know what I mean?

You end up cutting Granny's
arm off or something.

Now if this was a different
looking type of situation,

follow (Mumbles) or
something like that,

hell, we'd bring all
of our weapons in,

we wouldn't risk it.

But this one looks like
it may be all right.

You the one that called?

Hey, Roy Pickett, AS:VS.

Now this filming won't
be on national TV, right?

No, no.

Because if it even
ends up on the internet,

I will find you.

Wait, I thought
you said we could film here?

No, it's cool, it's cool,
everything's fine.

Now, just calm down, please.

I know you're emotional,
but just tell us.

Tell us what's going on
so we can help you out.

Lita, she came home
from a friends house,

she had blood running down
on chest and her back.

She locked herself in her
bathroom, she won't come out.

And I was about to
take the doorknob off,

but she started making these
noises, like an animal.

I've never heard it before,
so I started to fear the worst,

and I thought I'd call you guys.

Well, how about you let
me and my buddy, Eddie,

here take a look at it,

and we'll see if we
can help you out.

Yeah, okay,
just you'll do your best

not to hurt her, right?

Oh yeah, of course, of course.

This is fucked up, I'm starting
to get kind of sick here.

Well, suck it up,
because if she's bitten,

it ain't gonna get no better.

All right, Eddie,
before we get up here,

I wanna make sure you keep your
... together, all right?

Don't ... freak out on me.

Evan, don't panic.

Or, just be cool.

Lita?

Alita Wallace?

It's Willis.

Well I know that dumb-ass,
we're checking for coherence.

Lita honey, we're with animal control.

We think you may have hit
an animal on the way in,

and we just wanna talk to you.

Let me see that little
toothpick you call a knife.

It's sharp.

I fuckin' know that.

You in?

Yeah.

All right, you got my back?

Yeah.

Let's fuckin' do it.

Whoa, whoa, wait, wait!

She ain't turned yet.

Um, Roy, I think she's bit.

Oh God, that looks awful.

Yes, it does.

Should I kill her?

No, no, no, wait, she
ain't turned yet Eddie, damn.

She's pretty out of it though.

By the looks of it, I'd
say she got bit probably

earlier on this evening,
something like that.

So what I'm gonna do is
I'm gonna go ahead and

restrain her, because
that's the best way to make

sure if she does turn,
she ain't gonna be taking

a plug out of our ...,
that's for damn sure.

That's the best thing you can do.

At least until we figure out
what the ... going on.

Eddie, look underneath
that sink there,

see if there's any
peroxide or alcohol,

or anything like that.

All right, there's this.

Gauze, just get
whatever you can get me.

Alita honey, this is
gonna burn like a bitch

but this is about all anybody
can do for you right now.

Lita?

Eddie, go down there and

make sure she don't come up here.

Is she okay, what happened?

Keep her downstairs, damn it.

Oh God!

Lita, Lita!

Hey, it's cool.

No, no, I need to get to her.

No, it's fine, no.

Let me help, Lita!

Listen, listen, listen,
the alcohol is burning,

that's what it's supposed to do,
all right.

That means she's still
alive, she's still with us.

Okay, she's not a vampire,
not just yet.

But look, go downstairs.

But I need to help her.

I need you..

I need to get to her!

That's not a good idea.

No, I need to..

God damn it, Roy, hurry up!

Uh, you guys,
I had no idea that you

guys had to act as EMT's too.

I can't believe this bitch
won't stop bitching and moaning.

Well you better get yourself
an MP3 player or something,

because this is pretty routine.

Now this is how it is.

You know, if there's even
a suspected bitten person,

they don't call us out here.

I guarantee you they call the
cops, or an ambulance first.

And as soon as they
say the word vampire,

that was the end of the
conversation, right there.

Okay, I've got
the personal side to why

they won't respond, but
is there a legal side?

Oh yeah, there's lots
of legal bullshit involved.

All right, for instance,
okay, say you got a bitten

person, and they get admitted
to a hospital, or something,

well if that happens,

you're putting
everybody there at risk.

And say that person
turns into a vampire,

and they start attacking people,

well then that protocol
gets dead simple,

they'll call a team like us in,

and tell us just
clean the place out.

No prejudice, just clean it
out, kill everything in there.

When's the last time that happened?

It ain't ever happened with us,

but you know, they'll usually
call in like a bigger,

more established team.

Well that outfit up there
in Ridgeland, Knott Forest,

they had a couple clean
sweeps back in '99 and '06,

I believe it was, they
had an emergency center

and a nursing home they
cleaned out.

You know them sons of bitches
still cocky about that shit.

I hate them bastards,
I can't be around them more

than 20 seconds, I wanna
kick the shit out of them.

Oh hey, she finally
shut the fuck up.

That's awesome.

Yeah, but why?

Does it really matter,
as long as she stopped

bitching and moaning,
I'm cool with that.

No, well this could be a lot worse.

You ready?

Nope.

Let's get her!

Hold her down, get her!

Fuck! Hold her down!

Holy shit!

Holy shit!

Oh, you ready?

Who in the hell keeps turning
off my Christmas lights?

Damn, ain't you got
no Christmas spirit?

Shit! There, ho, ho, ho.

So Roy, tell us about the training.

The methods, or whatever
the textbook protocol

is for killing vampires,
if there is one.

Killing them killing them really.

No, we do got a few
tactical formations that

Carl taught us from back
in his military days.

Did you know he's black ops?

Son of a bitch is bad ass,
I know he don't look it,

but he is, yes sir.

Tackle that motherfucker, damn.

Anyhow, we stick mainly to
the modified paintball guns

and hand to hand weapons,
because they're hell of a lot

less expensive
upkeep than guns are.

... with ammo going
through the roof,

and all this recession ...

The upkeep on them is just
crazy, can't afford it.

You know, matter of fact,
last time I used an

automatic gun, it left a
sour taste in my mouth.

Son of bitch jammed on me.

It about got me killed,
luckily though,

the vampires attacking,
they didn't have much on

them together, so I hit
(Mumbles) in his head

apart with a gun handle,
it was funny as shit

So I take it the
paintball guns don't jam then?

I mean, they're automatics too.

That's a fair question,
I hear you.

Any gun nut ike
myself will tell you though,

if you keep 'em clean, you
won't have much trouble.

But then again, paintball guns

ain't shooting cartridge
shells either.

There's ain't nobody
reloading a jammed cartridge

before some vampire bites
his fuckin' balls off.

For flat out efficiency though..

Catch that fuckin' ball!

Damn these son of
bitches are retarded.

Okay, so back to the question.

Which weapon do you
think does the best job?

Not to sound contradictory
but it ain't no gun.

Those sons of bitches
are pain in the ass.

They'll jam up on you,
even the paintball guns.

Hell, you gotta change
out those CO2 cartridges,

that will get you bit.

You know I think,
as far as I'm concerned,

I like a nice large
well balanced knife.

That or a claw hammer.

Them son of bitches,
I tell you what, you know

they're good if you wanna be quick,

get the vampire coming,
get the next one behind it,

get to the side, you can do
some damage with them bastards.

Get you one of them machine
rocking claw hammers,

one of them that's got
the ends are straight out,

and not curved, that will
hook in the bone and such.

That shit will slow you down.

They're made for doing damage,
I tell you.

Man, I'd go on for
days about the way

I done killed vampires.

One time, me and Kevin got
out on this service call,

and there's this lady, she...

Catch that fuckin' ball!

What they asking about this time?

I was wondering how
the whole wooden stake

to the heart myth was started.

Because it seems that
that one isn't true.

Well, sir, that basically
got started back in the day,

I mean like way back in the day.

And what it was is there was
pretty much two classifications

of people, you had the rich mo-fo's

and you had the peasants
who didn't have shit.

So what they did,
was since they didn't have any

metal objects to use,
they just got wood,

and anytime they had
a vampire problem,

they just carve them
out a sharp end on it,

and stab them with it, they
just used what they had.

Hey man, I think I'd probably
use the longest spear

that I could find, that
had thorns on them.

Like the really long Jesus thorns.

That'd be cool.

I think I'd use my
manly good looks to bag

me a blacksmiths daughter,
that way I could

make metal weapons.

There you go, be pretty sweet.

Then we could make
our own custom weapons

for just destruction.

I don't think it'd be that easy.

How do you plan on paying?

I could bring you hot chicks,

because that's what I'm best at.

What if they ain't hot enough?

I tell you what, you need to
just bring me some whiskey,

or some homemade liquor,
either one.

You know what, I could
make some dental tools

and start pulling all the
teeth out of dead people

before we bury them.

Oh man, that'd be pretty sweet.

Then we could like make
necklaces from vampire teeth,

and bracelets.

Now you're talking,
I tell you what,

we're gonna get rich you
keep thinking that way.

That's what's up.

You guys are dumbasses.

Are we not going inside?

We've been sitting
out here for a while.

Remember when I told
you we owe 51 Supply

quite a bit for our supplies.

I meant that literally.

Sorry man, I didn't
know you wanna go in.

Yes sir, we got a pretty thick

credit line going with them.

Okay, so why are
we just sitting here then?

I'm waiting for around
closing time,

which is right about now,
I'm gonna drop this check off,

and then I won't have to
worry about it clearing

until after 2:00 tomorrow.

You wanted to know how much
we struggle to stay afloat,

well this is a good
example for you, right?

Having this business
is all about timing.

Pulling triggers, paying bills.

At Stake Vampire Solutions,
this is Kevin speaking,

how may I help you?

On Starlanding Road, right?

Yeah, I know exactly where it is.

At the barn?

Oh, in the farmhouse itself.

Yeah, well we can check both,
no problem, of course.

No, sir, exactly what
you've been doing.

Just keep exactly what
you've been doing.

Have you checked anybody for wounds?

Get everybody safety accordingly?

Very good, we should be
there in about the next

30 minutes or so, maybe less.

Thank you.

Yeah, we appreciate you
calling us, thank you sir.

All right, bye.

What you got?

Some idiot teenagers
is hid out in the barn,

over there at Starlanding Road.

Over there by the train tracks.

They're in there smoking dope,
and apparently,

they spotted two vampires.

Now, the kids father said
that he checked everybody

for wounds, but how they
sounded over the phone,

it sounds like it
should be a legit call.

Evan, you're turning out
to be a pretty good luck

charm, you know it?

Any other week, we would
have had a week full

of false alarms by now, cool.

It's 6:42 PM, all ready dark here,

and actually a bit cold outside,

winter's definitely settling in.

But even if it wasn't,
I think the hairs on

my arm would still be standing,

from the looks of this place.

Amy, on the job,
you seem to be more of

the hardened team member.

This is only your year
and a half mark, correct?

Are you calling me callous?

Uh, no.

I'm just fucking with you,
keep your panties on.

Wait, did you actually just smile?

What smile, why don't
you shut the fuck up

before you get eaten.

Okay gang, I see no sign that

the vampires have been here.

It looks like a false alarm,
damn it.

I mean, what
are the signs that we'd

be looking for anyway,
in this barn?

Well, no vampire's gonna
call this place a home,

and keep it clean.

There'd be blood splattered everywhere,

small dead animals,
at least some bones.

There ain't none of that here.

All right,
let's go check out the house.

Hey guys,
I don't mean to slow you up

or anything, but I've gotta
go change the batteries on

my camera, I left some
back in the car, can I go?

Go ahead, you're not
gonna miss anything.

Come on, let's go.

You guys get a lot of false alarms?

Sometimes.

Gosh, do you at least get to charge

them for making you come
all the way out here.

Carl does all the paperwork.

You look kind of
pissed off that you didn't

get to kill a vampire.

Well, we don't have
any other calls to go on.

Where'd you say those
batteries were?

I left them in the...

Oh shit.

I saw it, I saw it.

Guys!

Hey Evan, does that thing
have night vision on it?

I don't know if it has it,

but if it did,
we'd just probably drain

the battery faster anyways.

Guys!

Oh okay, thank God,
I think they heard you.

I hope so, there's more than one.

You're sure?

Does it look like I'm kidding?

What's up Amy?

Looks like we're
fixed to have some fun,

there's at least two over there.

Oh shit.

Just when I was about to get mad

over another prank call.

Man I was really getting used
to the idea of a prank call.

I do not wanna have to circle
the vehicles for this guys.

Huh, me either, I don't
trust old Eddie's aim yet.

We won't have any windows left.

Yeah, like it's his
aim I'm worried about.

Dang it, we are gonna have to
do this the hard way, guys.

What's that mean?

It means I'm gonna
die in your movie, Evan.

Evan, get your stuff together.

Get inside the vehicle
as soon as we start.

Secure yourself, because this
is probably gonna get nasty.

We'll get over here.

Get in!

Is everything okay?

Yeah, I guess so, everybody good?

Whatever.

Did you get all that?

Yup, sure did.

Intense and awesome, huh?

Hey, I think you're smiling again.

Shut the fuck up.

All right, so Amy,
you've got to be

the perfect persona to ask
this of.

What do you think about
the general public's

false perception, or you know,
that whole draw

towards the pretty vampire mythology?

And why would I be the
perfect one to ask that of?

I hate it, I can't stand
any of that shit.

Vampires are just ravenous,
nasty-ass creatures

with no sense of hygiene.

No sense of fashion,
and they sure as fuck

aren't socialites

bitching about (Mumbles)
between sucking ass

at skateboard tricks.

Yeah, I'd figured you'd have

the better answer on that one.

So, let's take it to another topic.

Coffins and crypts.

Sure enough all ready,
that that's just

centuries old, if true.

Well, do you have anything to add?

It's retarded.

Vampires are basically
walking cases of

brain and syphilitus.

They're like Alzheimer patients.

They know enough like
when they need shelter,

but they don't know
where they had it last.

So barring the smart ones,

most of them just act
like animals, then?

Right.

I gotta go.

Are you going on a call?

No, just a meeting.

Okay, do you think
I can maybe tag along?

Hey Pam, thanks for
doing this with us today.

Vampires are third on
the list of squatters,

believe it or not.

There's homeless, then drug
addicts, and then vampires.

Yeah, it seems like
they'll move into any

vacant building available to them.

Yeah, I was telling him that earlier.

Were you wanting this film
speaking to the economy?

About eight months ago,
I ran this diagnostic graph.

And what I found was that
as the home foreclosure rate

increased, so did the
home break in rates.

63% of those homes,
vampires were found.

And yet another strike
against our administration,

and ignorant laws.

Oh, I'm no political person.

But it's obvious that
the economic climate that

we've been in, is causing
an increase in the vampires

in our community.

Naturally, we don't mind the work.

But the over all situation
doesn't bode well for our town.

I especially don't like
the thought of those fuckers

nesting in places where
people wanna raise their kids.

You know, I couldn't agree
with you more on that one.

Hey internet followers.

This question is from Barbara Jean.

Why does Hollywood make
films that glorify vampires

like they are superheroes?

Is it going to make a
whole gen-generation

want to start being vampires?

Come on, that's a good question.

It's common sense.

You haven't noticed
that Hollywood glorifies

the wrong things?

It doesn't strike you
as odd that you go and

see films with vigilantes,
muscle headed one-man armies

taking out everyone?

Or soap operas showcasing
the glories of whoring

around the entire city?

Fucking idiots man.

She didn't mean that,
she's just ... a bitch

Personally, I really like
those Wesley Snipes movies.

I mean, if I was gonna be a vampire,

it'd be that motherfucker,
but I mean,

you guys do know that
vampires don't know jiu jitsu

and kung fu, all they
wanna do is eat you.

News flash people, movies
aren't about life lessons.

So get it clear.

But..

On second thought, you know what,

be as stupid as you like,
job security, okay.

I was just wondering, what,
if anything,

have you seen on the
job that might make

you consider quitting?

Nothing.

And it's directly because of
the many instances I've seen

of an elderly couple being attacked.

Each time it looked like
they didn't even fight back.

I'm getting on age myself,

and I refuse to become complacent.

Lounge around the house, watch
soap operas during the day,

and go to bingo at night, no, no.

I'm staying active.

Well, I don't know
about making me quit but

I seen a vampire eating
a man's penis off once,

that was pretty fucked up.

I almost quit when
my nephew was killed.

Didn't even want him working
with us,

but I knew he wasn't gonna
get a job doing much else.

Still remember him
walking through that

old church we were in.

He had his handgun
and he was hollering.

I'm gonna peace-out you
bitches ... (Mumbles)

Three vampires rushed at
him and tore him apart,

before Carl and I could even
get off one shot at them.

I credit Carl for keeping
me through the weekend,

help me staying with it.

I don't like seeing...

I don't like seeing kids half eaten.

A fuckin' vampire dude,
that's bad enough.

All right so,
break down this call for me.

This lady calls,
says she met this guy online,

made a date with him, then
for a few nights in a row,

he kept showing up with blood
on him,

asking for an invitation to
get in.

I'm thinking stalker
who's obsessed with

old vampire myths, there's
plenty of those people around.

Yeah man, I mean,
that's what I was thinking.

I mean, any vampire I've
ever heard of would at

least try and break
in and eat the bitch.

Hear that America?

Vampires just don't wait
around to be invited into your

house, just more fiction.

Well I wouldn't write
it off completely yet.

I mean, it's still possible,
although I think

it's really slim in this case.

But history does support
some stories of intelligent,

old world vampires seeking invitations.

Many years ago, they
learned to dress like royals

garnering invites to the gatherings.

While the instinctive
vampires would just try

storming the castle walls,

and they'd just be killed immediately.

But these intelligent vampires,

they can feed pretty
well for one night.

Get the lay of the kingdom,
leave the next day,

come back time and again using
that same royal disguise.

And on their side, were
the embarrassed royals,

who were morons.

Instead of being publicly
embarrassed by the havoc

that was wreaked, they would
find some poor peasant

to blame it on,
put him in stockades,

hang him, have him stoned,
something like that.

Carl, I went..

I think you zigged,
when you should've zagged

back there, Eddie.

Well didn't you...

Fuck it.

Okay, what?

Yeah that's it,
take a right up here.

So, ultimately, this started out

just as a bunch of gossip?

Yeah, these guys are like,
these assholes that

create the bullshit stories
for the tabloid magazines.

Kind of like that, anyway,
fast forward hundreds

of years and you got
intelligent vampires

who are doing the invitation bit.

I've saved this one for us, boss.

I think it's the best
one we've had in a while.

Good, all right.

Let's see, I'd like to
know how much you know

about the vampire strains.

The media keeps saying there
are only two in existence,

but what do you guys think?

Well, unfortunately, we
don't have lab capabilities.

We're just in the extermination
and clean up services.

But that don't mean we
don't pay attention.

I really do see four different
strains in this area.

One is splotchy looking, no
matter what shape it's in.

Another is one that tends
to travel on all fours,

more animalistic.

There's a third one that is mindless,

lethargic, zombie like.

And then there's one
that we like to call

the intelligent vampire.

And I know that the news
loves to argue this one.

But I've seen a dozen
or so in my time.

And I swear,
I wouldn't know it if he

stood next to me at the supermarket.

I wouldn't know until the
damn thing come after me.

It kind of looks like the
house I grew up in with my mom.

There she is, there we go.

Just park right up here.

There we go.

Hi, I'm Renee.

Hey.

Thanks for coming so quickly.

The sun was starting to set
and I was really worried

you guys weren't
gonna make it in time.

Sorry, it's a bit
down the bin for us,

from where we've been before.

It's a nice place you've got here.

Oh yeah, it's a wonderful community.

It's really hidden,
I have great neighbors.

We look out for each other,
but nobody's been

wanting to take their
chances with this guy

that's been coming around lately.

So, is he filming something?

Just documenting for us personally,

don't worry, nothing public.

Oh, okay then..

This is..

Oh, just call me Renee,
Renee's fine.

Okay, Renee.

Do you mind showing
me around the outside

of this place real quick?

Yeah, sure.

Oh, you guys will have to come
in through the front door.

Some friends of mine
and I got a project

going out in the garage, just
to keep me busy, you know.

Trying to keep my mind at ease.

Okay, front door's just fine.

All right, it's this way.

She's either a damn good actress,

or something's legitimately
scaring her to death.

Yeah, she did look really scared.

Even before she saw the camera.

Man, I'm gonna freak out if
we have

to hunt a smart vampire.

I've never heard a good
story of that ending well.

You won't.

Hey Eddie, get the gear.

Yeah, fuck it.

So, how do you think
my interview went?

It's fine.

Oh, sorry, I'll stop
bothering you about it.

I just don't wanna look
like a dork, you know?

Too late.

There, out near that tall
cedar tree, that's him.

I know it.

Lady, if you had a rifle,

this would be a done
situation all ready.

Vampire or not,

I would blast him out
of my yard all ready.

Well I do have a shotgun,

but I'm afraid of how hard it kicks.

That guy is as stiff as a pole.

Look at him, he's not
moving at all, what a freak.

Evan, can you zoom
in on him with that camera?

He's not even moving,

I can't even tell if he's breathing.

His face,
can you see his face at all?

No, he's just a silhouette really.

Well this is disturbing.

Hell, maybe he wants to be a scarecrow.

Let's go out there and pelt him,

and burn him up like one.

Nope, I don't like this.

It feels like he's baiting us.

Renee, you just heard
the one guy, right?

That's what it sounded like.

Just him slowly messing
around outside,

going to each of my
windows and doors,

but never really trying to
get inside.

What you thinking?

Doesn't feel right, not at all.

Let's just sit tight and
wait this guy out a bit.

So, how is business going?

North Mississippi's pretty
good, pretty busy.

I can't believe this is happening.

Shit there's more out there!

Shit, I could've took him out

with that shotgun already.

It's been two hours
now and he's finally moving.

Ooh look, there's another one.

It looks like a woman.

Yeah, we got a duo.

I think there's probably more,

they just don't wanna be seen yet.

Why are they coming here?

What did I do to them?

Maybe they want a threesome.

Ass.

How did you really meet this guy?

Tell me the truth.

I was online,
it was a vegan chat room.

A what?

She's a vegan, she's a purist.

You talked about purity of
body online,

I bet you were the purest
vegan on the chat room,

weren't you?

I was the only vegan in
the chat room, so what?

It's this bad, I was
just trying to promote

my yoga and vegan classes
that I do here at the house.

You're kidding, you do your
health classes here, huh?

None of this makes any sense.

You don't go online and tell everybody

about yourself, Renee.

You just advertised
healthy blood to vampires

who know that means a
healthier life for them.

Did you get that, it's a death
wish, do you understand that?

I didn't know.

Damn, there's more
of them out there now.

Figures.

Well, what if we call
those guys from Ridgeland?

Fuck them.

Why don't you shut the fuck up?

Eddie man, they wouldn't even care

enough to make an effort.

Fuck!

No cops, no fireman,
and no other team

that's gonna come and help us.

We're the only ones that
deal with vampires, so.

You can call the
national guard if you want,

but shit, they'd have to
have a meeting about it

just to figure out how many
people to send out here.

And we'd be dead by then.

It was just the one guy.

He followed me home after the movie,

because you know, we were..

Tell me what really happened
at the end of that date.

You brought him home, and...

So what got you started in
this line of work?

I wanna know what passion
drives you to do this job,

you know, just as well as you do.

I retired early from
the military because

my wife had cancer,
she passed pretty quick.

I just couldn't sit around
the house watching the news,

seeing how bad things
were getting everywhere.

Only that outfit in Ridgeland
had the closest place around,

so I started up AS:VS.

I'm glad I did it,
I love what I do.

I mean, I'm not really the
college type.

My grades were never
really high enough,

and military won't accept me
because of all of my tattoos.

So it was, of course,
I was gonna end up in some

type of manual labor work.

It was either this or the
other job.

And what's the other job?

Crab fishing, in Alaska.

That's a good question.

Well, I've been a hunter
since I was about five

and my daddy took me.

I killed my first deer
when I was about seven.

But I didn't bag my first
vampire til I was 16 though.

Me and this pretty
little redhead (Mumbles),

took her up park in
old bluff in my pickup.

This vampire come out,
luckily I always got my shotgun

in my seat, so I blew that
son of bitch's head clean off.

And then, after that,
I spent a couple years up

in Pennsylvania doing a
welding job.

Once my contract was up,
moved back here,

and seen that Carl done
opened this place up,

so I figured this was a good fit.

Just kind of bred into it.

Rest of everything is just
history in the making.

I used to post office worker,
if you can believe that.

I hated every Monday,
when the guy would come in

with page after page of
a new missing persons.

It fueled the fire inside
of me to wanna make

a difference physically.

This job coming along
allowed me just to do that.

Do you realize
that with what I've filmed

you doing to vampires, it just,
you know,

helps the stereotype towards
postal worker aggression.

Oh come on man, that ain't me,
is it?

You know what,
your questions have been prying

at me all week, so let's
just get it over with.

My family was attacked
at a rest stop one night.

I was the only one
who didn't have to go.

So I was the only one
who stayed in the car.

I locked the doors, and I
didn't move at all after that.

I couldn't move.

I couldn't move when vampires
tore apart my whole family.

I couldn't even move
when the police officer

showed up hours later,
banging on the windows,

for me to let them in to help me.

Is that good enough for you.

I'm so sorry.

Shut up.

Holy shit, guys,
there's three more over there!

Look, we're not
gonna judge you, okay.

You said you brought him home, and...

I opened the garage and
I pulled in,

but he wouldn't get out of
his car.

I just thought he was being shy.

He said we were moving too fast,

and that he'd call me.

So I walked up and kissed him,
and then he left,

that was it, I swear.

The garage.

Hoo, that's strong.

I know that smell.

Renee, you might be
the luckiest purist there is.

What is it?

What do you mean?

You made your cleaning
supplies out of lye?

Yeah, yeah, I do.

This is gonna be an old
school solution.

Hey, hand me that shotgun.

Hey what if we just wait here,

barricade ourselves in?

We can wait, but I
don't think they will.

Plus, the rate they're
showing up out there,

I think we need to hurry.

How many out there now?

They are everywhere,
front and back.

This, it better work.

It will work, I'd have it
loaded and stuff at the shop,

weren't so damn expensive
and didn't hit my insurance.

If you guys get me out of here,

I'll get you as much of
this stuff as you guys need.

Evan, I know you're here
specifically to film all this,

but I also know you
wanna live past tonight.

You've managed to stay
with us for a while,

you keep up really well.

We're gonna need another set
of hands.

Consider yourself deputized boy.

Are you serious?

All right, batteries, check.

New tape, check.

Auto, auto everything.

I wish I could focus on
something like you can.

That way I wouldn't be
so scared right now.

Evan, come on over here.

Okay guys, listen up,
here's the situation.

Unfortunately, our
vehicles are parked outside

the garage, behind the main car.

And since a mad dash
out of the garage is

a suicide mission, it
will attract every one of

those bastards.

The four of us are gonna clear
a path for the other two.

To make it to at least one vehicle,

and hopefully pick us up on
the fly.

Okay, so here's how the plan works.

Four of us are gonna load up,

and we're gonna head tearing
ass out

in this middle lawn.

We're gonna cut and shoot
our way past this clump

of trees, and then we're
gonna angle over toward

the driveway, okay?

10 seconds should be enough
time to get them on our ass

and away from the vehicles,

so that the other two can
raise the garage door,

get in the vehicle, and
meet us at the same point

on the driveway where we're headed.

Now, those of us who are
tearing ass out onto

the lawn, we're gonna
use the shotgun first.

Okay, that's you Roy.

Shoot the first cluster of
them we see

when we go out the door.

After that, we use the guns.

You gotta aim low,
don't need to kill them,

just need to slow them down,
and we need to save ammo.

Evan, that's where you come
in, you're carrying the ammo.

We gotta save every round
for holding them off

while we pile into the car.

Now here's what's important,
listen up.

If there's even a chance
that not one of us

is gonna make it to the vehicle,

even the slightest chance
that an extra split second

is not safe, then whoever
is driving, just floor it,

and don't even think about stopping.

I got four straws here,
from Renee's broom.

The short straw is who's
gonna stay back with Renee,

and go for the vehicle, got it?

Here we go.

Shit.

Amy, you're gonna have
to get Renee out of here,

no matter what.

You hear me girl, listen.

If this doesn't go well,
you leave us,

you live to fight another day.

I just, I can't lose
another family this way.

You don't ever really
lose your family, Amy.

They'll always be there for you.

It wouldn't be so bad if you weren't

making it sound like a goodbye.

Hey, carry these with
you, you might need them.

And be careful.

Hey Roy, you about
ready with that shotgun?

Yeah, just about it.

What are you looking for?

All right guys,
we're going on three.

Amy, when you hear three,
start your 10 count.

Right.

Let's stay as clustered as we can,

watch your lines of fire,

they're gonna be coming
at us from everywhere.

Evan, you stay between us, get
ready with that extra ammo.

Right.

Roy?

Yeah, just one sec.

Roy, we gotta go man.

What's he doing in there?

There.

All right, I'm good,
let's fuck them up.

All right, everybody,
take your places!

Renee, you're with Amy.

Right.

Yeah, let's fuckin' do this!

Hell yeah, ready for this Roy?

Step your game up,
step your game up.

Let's do this, let's do this!

Stay clustered, keep moving!

Here we go, on three!

One, two, three!

Amy just go, just go!

I wanted to make a film,

this film, you know,

I wanted to make a film that
made a difference in the world.

But what I learned is that
real problems are solved

by real actions.

The best kind of change
isn't brought around

by just making a film
for people to see,

it's, you know, brought
around by actually

getting out there and
doing something about it.

Amy tried to tell me,
but it just didn't sink

in right away, I guess.

But now I know.

Now I understand.

You know what, I don't care
anymore what kind of grade

I get on this project,
Professor Scott.

I don't even care if I graduate.

You know, this isn't exactly
the ending that I had

in mind for my film, but
it really doesn't change

my final decision at all.

My name is Evan Shandling,
and I'm quitting film school.

I'm focused on reopening AS:VS.

I'm gonna find Amy, and will
be hiring some new recruits.

♪ Looking around,
I've seen things I'll never be

♪ Looking around,
I've seen things I'll never be

♪ Looking around,
I've seen things I'll never be

♪ Looking around,
I've seen things I'll never be

Oh please let this
be a cool question.

Everyone gives me shit
when they're dumb.

It'll be all right,
just open up the mailbox

there and see what we got.

All right.

Hey AS:VS, would you like to increase

your penis size over night?

Is this some kind of joke?

No, I..

How about end of this crap,

man, what's the matter with you?

I swear, you just
saw me open the thing,

and just penis,
that's not my fault.

This is not funny.

Okay, let's make this quick.

Um, hey AS:VS, have you
guys ever, possibly,

seen vampirism effect any animals?

I got this one,
you just calm down.

Now I know people who
highly value the (Mumbles),

and unfortunately,
we have seen some pretty

messed up stuff along the way.

We've seen critters chewed
up, and hanging out of trees,

and guts, and we've
seen some nasty stuff.

I'm sorry, this probably
ain't helping none, is it?

Nah, dude, you fuckin'
reek man, you stink like...

Oh, I'm sorry Amy, my
nose is all stopped up,

I still got doe scent
on me from this morning.

Dude, just clean your shit up.

My place is all
covered up in deer,

and so I'm gonna bag
everyone of them.

It doesn't matter,
just clean it up.

Ugh, you stink.

Ugh, to answer your question.

No, we don't really see
vampirism effect animals.

Horses, they get bit a few
times and they just die.

Dogs and such, they're
smaller immune systems

can't handle the virus, or
they just get drained quicker,

they just die.

Cows, they're cows,
they just get torn apart.

Hey Amy,
tell them about that time we

seen that vampire eating
that pigs ... out.

Boss man said we should
just talk about that email

from that college kid.

That film kid?

Mmm hmm.

Okay, whatever, I guess
just read his email out loud.

Well all right,
I think this is it.

Okay, let's see, yeah this
is the one right here, okay.

To Carl or Kevin, AS:VS management,

my name is Evan Shandling,
and I am a film student

in my last year, soon to graduate.

It would be my dream to
document your company

for my thesis film, and final
grade this next semester.

The holiday break is coming
up and I'll have nearly

three weeks to get interviews,
research documentation,

and hopefully even
footage of you on the job.

I know that my request is out
of the left field for you,

but I have thought about
this for a year all ready.

I am very prepared to film
how your small business

is surviving in today's shaky economy.

Huh, I hope that you
take me seriously.

I am attaching my complete
contact information.

Much appreciation for your
time, Evan A. Shandling.

I don't see how this
isn't a prank or something.

Nah, it's real, we're
gonna be movie stars.