Arrête ton char... bidasse! (1977) - full transcript
Four young French conscripts are doing their military service in Germany. They feel far from France, and the barracks look like a prison to them, especially since evening outings in German garrison towns are not particularly fun. But these four conscripts of the contingent are not lacking in imagination to set the mood in the barracks, especially with the help of charming young German women who are attracted by the little French.
Are you coming?
What would this fellow
like to eat for lunch?
Pigs ears.
Assembly!
And on the double!
In lines of eight!
I want to see only one head!
Faster than that!
Silence in the ranks!
Hurry up, you.
Head up!
I have to do her.
Yes, but you mustn't.
She's the colonel's secretary.
You'd really be in deep shit.
-There's one dick missing.
-Yes, boss!
You've got thirty seconds,
otherwise your naked ass is outta here!
You need to get up.
Shit. No, I won't!
You're going to get me in trouble.
Don't be such an idiot.
I don't give a damn.
Not for you, nor the others.
I've had enough of this.
If you don't go down these stairs
quickly then we'll help.
It's over! Over!
Stay here!
Go ahead, Finclair!
Sir! Get them moving.
Company attention!
Right turn!
Straight ahead, and…
Hut, two, three, four!
There's nothing to it, no need
for intelligence, just look at me!
Eyes right!
I put on the uniform, I change,
and I'm sick of it.
I'm outta here!
You'll still have enough
to mess around with.
Hey, make them sing!
Little birds, birds, birds
Who eat the dung, dung, dung
Little birds, birds, birds
Don't fly away, way, way
Cause if you go, go, go
The dung will stay, stay, stay
So Luc.
-That is your name, Luc?
-Yes.
Yes, colonel.
Drop it, Marcus.
The exterior forms of respect
have changed in the modern army.
Alas, my colonel.
So, little guy, you're sick of the army?
Are you shocked?
My colonel.
Yes, it shocks me.
I feel like I've landed on a planet
full of idiots.
Marcus! Did you hear that?
You haven't yet discovered the benefits
of today's army, my little guy.
We're all living here, together,
shoulder to shoulder.
Virile friendship.
I want to go home.
My colonel. Sorry.
Marcus, shit!
It's automatic, my colonel.
Listen little guy, you're going back
to your comrades.
If you revolt, the army will control you.
And break you. For a long time.
In contradiction,
the army only rejects crazies.
Go, you're no crazy.
Marcus, you've got to write
another welcome speech.
Why? The current one is dated?
I have to tell you, Marcus,
your speech lacks balls.
In France, we don't have gasoline.
By attaching two cars together,
we can save energy, my colonel.
Not a bad idea, is it?
It's an idea that's worth
ten days in the pit.
Those laundry girls are naked
under their dresses.
You bet. I ogle them a little.
I've had a two-week dry spell.
Guys, don't get impatient.
If the adjutant is the same,
there's about a 15-minute wait.
As if he's in there
banging a girl right now.
No way.
What the heck am I doing here?
They don't speak a word of French.
Nonsense.
They speak exactly
the same language as us.
I've never seen stupider.
Hey, don't be so shy!
Fortunately, the beds are clean.
Kids,
the quality of a bed, comma,
depends essentially, comma,
on the girl one brings to it. Full stop.
Think they'll give me one?
Don't complain about going to the hole.
I thought they were going to sack you!
-Me too.
-Luc!
If you want to pass for crazy,
stop thinking of quitting.
-Things will happen to you!
-Here!
If you get hungry.
Going to go to bed late tonight?
Not going to get a good sleep?
-You've known her for long?
-A month.
-The corporal will take his shot.
-Yes.
Fucking rules!
Another 15 days to go.
-See you!
-Ciao!
Attention!
At ease!
You're heading out to release
the kangaroo, Corporal?
Yes, sir.
Corporal,
what is the state of the garbage?
Full, sir.
And if the rules were applied,
in what state would it be in?
-Empty, sir.
-Good.
You know the rules,
but you don't apply them.
So your naked ass is staying put!
No, sir!
Your little soirée is finished.
Good night!
Asshole!
Pasta, Captain?
Yes, with pleasure, my colonel.
You should monitor the soldiers' food
more often, my captain.
A little tasteless, isn't it?
You have to be hungry, my colonel.
My father has a little restaurant.
I've never seen him serve pasta
with split peas.
Your opinion, Captain?
It's not bad.
No, it's not bad. It's horrible!
Colonel, I'm no cook. I'm an accountant.
I told the captain.
I've got too many accountants, my colonel.
You're going to be called before
the captain, one after the other.
And I'm going to teach you
how to properly introduce yourself
to an officer.
You! Come here.
Introduce yourself, title and all.
Private Sallois.
Couldn't hear you, not at all.
Did you hear anything?
Nothing at all! And I even know his name.
Did he talk, Raoul?
All right. Go to the end of the field
and yell so we can hear you.
Go! On the double.
Farther, go.
Introduce yourself!
Private Sallois!
-I didn't understand.
-You either?
Can you yell, yes or no?
An officer shouldn't have
to strain to hear.
Private Sallois!
-What did he say?
-It's very faint, isn't it?
Come back, Private.
Private Sallois!
In one minute, the time will be one a.m.
Gilles Quicot will give you
the latest news.
As for me, I'm signing off.
Good night and see you tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
Can't sleep either, can you?
Well, we've got no choice.
Before being called up,
I slept with a nice girl
but she snored!
Oh my God!
She snored before or during?
You bunch of jerks.
If you had seen her tits!
One and two and…
One and company halt!
To the left.
Post the colors.
Camp salute!
What in God's name?
Corporal Muller! Here, on the double!
For having shown your ass to the flag,
you're heading to the hole!
My colonel, Captain Marcus
has a stitch in his side.
You're telling me this
on your own initiative
or at the request of the captain?
My own initiative, my colonel.
In that case, Finclair,
go look after my secretary instead.
She's in better shape than your captain.
Are you coming?
Move, Lessard. It's slow going.
If you need anything, miss.
If Karin needs anything,
I'm here, Finclair.
It's not by going jogging
that my men will be ready
if the general commences
Operation Bretzel!
Is Operation Bretzel
the combined German maneuvers?
We must activate
the preparation of the recruits.
I'm worried that the General
won't commence Operation Bretzel.
Indeed, my colonel.
On that point,
captain Marcus is worried that…
You've got worries, Captain?
The recruits aren't…
They're just not ready.
I'm afraid the general…
Operation Bretzel has…
Listen, Marcus. One, your men are ready,
and two, I'm delighted
that Operation Bretzel is advancing. So…
So my worries are unfounded.
That changes everything.
Marcus, coffee?
Hot chocolate!
To your ranks, now!
Coffee or hot chocolate.
What do you suggest, little guy?
It will be.
Coffee or hot chocolate?
It's all the same.
Let me try one and your captain the other.
So?
Well, it's disgusting, my colonel.
Let me try.
It's wonderful!
Quality-wise, you can't differentiate
between the coffee and the hot chocolate.
Both are…
My captain, it's my shoelace.
Is it chocolate?
No? So it's my right shoe.
Luc, hey!
Hey, Francis.
Luc might get kicked out this time.
Maybe. Spoiling food
is crazy, that's for certain.
-Lucky. They'll knock him out.
-So what?
-Go on pass!
-Pass it here!
I'm sorry.
-You don't speak French.
-No.
And if an officer passes, I'm in big shit!
Hey, no! Come back!
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
What are you doing there, Corporal?
I'm playing soccer, my captain.
Soccer? All alone?
Well, it would be better to play
with others, but umm…
You must all be totally nuts!
Go, join your comrades.
Can I, my captain?
Shit!
I find you…
I find you…
Very beautiful.
Very beautiful.
We do too!
Sixty-seven.
Sixty-eight.
Sixty-nine.
Seventy.
Seventy-one.
Seventy-two.
Seventy-three.
Seventy-four.
Seventy-five.
Seventy-six.
Seventy-seven.
Seventy-eight.
Jump and we'll hold the barrier.
Go quick! You'll see.
Another one!
Papers!
Let me pass. We're not here to play games.
True. Here's the sergeant.
At least tell me your name.
Karin. But that stays between us.
Number four, you're dead. On your back.
Finally, I can sleep.
Wait, I'll stay here with you.
Me, sir? I couldn't hear you.
No, not you. But now you're dead too.
Thank you, sir!
Wash this for me. It's pretty dirty.
Shit!
We're getting tired.
I'm pissed off.
Washing a clean tank is a stupid idea.
-A military idea.
-Here!
They let you go?
Dropping your shoes in the breakfast
doesn't constitute an act of madness
in the eyes of the military medics.
No. It only proves that
I have a certain aggressiveness
in me that I control badly.
The idiots!
Sallois, Rodriguez!
Here we go again!
Sallois on the controls.
The magnifying glass through which
you can focus on the target
magnifies by more than fifty times.
Sir, can Rodriguez look through the lens?
Certainly, soldier.
The magnifying glass
considerably increases
the efficiency of the tank.
That's clear, sir.
Hey, guys. Point that way.
There's some ass over there.
Let the guys know.
Why are you moving the turret?
I mustn't lose our target, sir.
Do it again. Your right hand
must slap your thigh.
Not hard enough. Again!
It seems useless. But that's the army.
My car is impeccable.
There's a bit of a breeze here.
You're worried about a breeze?
No. But little breezes bring dust
and dust scratches the car.
Get to work.
Got a cigarette?
No. Do you want me to get some for you?
The canteen is closed.
The canteen? I'm going to town.
Now?
You're not very bright.
Get down, guys. Go on, get down.
I'm going to buy cigarettes.
Corporal!
-Sir!
-Who is driving the tank?
-Morizot.
-Morizot?
That fool? Not true.
It's Morizot!
My captain, Morizot, the crazy one,
went to buy cigarettes
in a tank.
Buying cigarettes in a tank.
Morizot.
Well, what could be more normal?
Right? Marcus!
Marcus, go take a quick jog
because this is starting to get old,
right?
I…
Marcus! Come back and pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone, Marcus.
This is the German Police…
The Germans.
Yes, I heard that part. What do they want?
They're wondering why one of our tanks
is patrolling Main Street.
Well, tell them that one of our soldiers
went to buy cigarettes.
What's the problem?
Gauloises, please.
Hurry. I double parked my tank.
Here, on Main Street.
How to stop a tank
in the middle of a city?
We can't fire at it because it's a tank.
No, Marcus. No we cannot. No.
I can stop it
with a sign that says "halt",
which I'll show, and the tank will stop.
Not for a Frenchman.
For a German, yes, a sign works.
But not for us French!
Can you help me?
You're totally crazy, aren't you?
He's crazy. Help him, Marcus.
I didn't know smoking was prohibited.
At ease!
It's Luc.
Young Frenchmen.
Over the last month,
you've put in an effort,
for which I congratulate you.
Marcus, no. They did their duty.
Just their duty. Continue.
Before embarking on the task
for which you've prepared yourselves,
you have the right to go out this evening.
In the midst of these people
who welcome us,
you'll be representing the French Army.
France herself.
Meaning that I'm counting on you
and on your irreproachable behavior.
Marcus, don't forget they're 20 years old.
Go ahead, little guys.
But obviously, with order and discipline!
Lenoir!
My adjutant.
Call me sir.
Sir?
Your permission, now it's nothing.
It was for fun, sir.
Well, soldier, for a laugh,
you're being punished!
That asshole is sending me to the hole.
Great. You'll be able to sleep.
You, going?
You came to see me?
Yes, of course!
What did you want to say to me?
So many things, funny things,
then not so funny things.
Tender things?
Yes, those things especially!
Get in, then!
Hey, guys! I climbed out!
You're not very bright.
Look out!
Hey, little guys!
Maria!
Hey, guys!
-Nice idea, inviting Maria.
-We'll have a great evening.
Super! You're really great guys! Bye!
After my military service?
Yes.
Am I bothering you?
Would one of you be interested
in a French connection?
What?
Shit. This is going to be tough.
Does it interest you--
Is this your seat?
-Hello.
-Greetings.
I'm happy I could come this time.
I remember you told me
that you like candies.
Just a little,
but my children like them a lot.
Teeny, Christiane, Ingrid, Michael.
Oh, candies!
What do we say?
Thank you!
Ok, well… Goodbye.
You're not going to tell me
you're falling for this guy.
She doesn't understand what you said.
Wait. He is impotent.
-He cannot.
-All right, let's go.
-He has a tiny pee pee.
-Stop! We're going.
Admit it!
With him, you'll have
a false idea of the French pee pee.
Pee pee? What is a pee pee?
You were wonderful! Really wonderful!
What a voice you've got!
How did you hear about me?
Through the telescopic lens.
He's cute!
So you're doing your military service?
We did ours last year.
Right, Ernest?
Just a moment.
That's me. And that's him.
You wouldn't recognize him in uniform.
I really want to kiss you.
Can I come up to your bedroom with you?
-Are you the little Frenchman?
-Yes, ma'am.
You seem perfectly nice.
But my husband is a little
old fashioned. He said,
"Why would she be interested in
a Frenchman
when there are so many young Germans?"
He's not wrong.
And in a few months you'll leave,
and Maria will cry a lot.
You should leave Maria
to the Germans, okay?
And the common market?
Good night.
Come in, Maria.
A little sentimental walk?
Over and done with. Forget about it!
Did she like your candies?
Much more than I had hoped.
-Super.
-Yes, super.
I was telling them.
Miranda, what a marvel.
I've already slept with many.
You can't imagine that, can you?
A big surprise.
A very big surprise.
Going to see Maria?
I'm going to the hole.
No way. Well, you and me both!
How was it with Maria?
It's stupid, but I think I love her.
Shit!
And you?
German girls. Whistle at them
and they come. They're deprived of love.
No, not in the garbage!
Never in the garbage.
I don't want to get into trouble.
Hey, guys. Luc is coming back tomorrow.
He mustn't be that crazy.
That was what I said.
And what about them?
No clue! Ciao!
You gonna own up to the thing?
Obviously. That's the whole point.
I can't wait to go to bed.
I've got better things to do.
Get out. I'll show you.
Oh man.
To your ranks!
Who did this?
Who dared?
Me, my captain.
Well, now I understand because
it's nice not to be crazy, but still.
You're completely crazy!
That's what I keep telling you.
No, he's not crazy, Marcus,
not crazy at all.
He is not crazy at all.
What he needs is the…
Faster, eat grass.
Crawl until you reach the river.
And when you get there,
you can find your own way back.
We've got a nice treat.
Here!
We won't eat you!
Help! I'm drowning!
Hey! Come back!
Come on! Don't be scared of the French.
We're waiting for you.
They'll have to return naked,
those sons of bitches.
Hey, guys, they took everything.
You're sure it was here?
Now we're in trouble.
Who could have done this?
Are you kidding?
Those bitches!
Excuse us ladies,
but we'd love to get our clothes back.
And our guns.
Unless you'd like to complete
our military service for us.
You look smart, but you're totally stupid.
Put everything back as it was.
We didn't find anything.
Obviously!
Miss.
We have no clothes.
That's the farm.
She wasn't lying!
I'm going back to thank her.
No, we don't have time.
And the girls?
Inside.
Not sure I'll find pants in my size.
Eat less.
We'll make this sound
to recognize each other.
And the answer will be…
We're well versed
in reciprocal tenderness.
Now we wait for dark.
Not now.
What are you saying?
My love.
What is it?
I'm looking for pants.
You're French? Paris, pretty girls…
It's not a farm. It's a whorehouse!
Sir, do you hear that?
What, soldier?
I hear a horse.
A horse?
Come, Abel.
Sir!
Sir, our clothing.
Have it washed by that lady
you know so well.
She never refuses you.
Hello.
You'd better, Sergeant.
Heads right, right!
I think he's very happy.
My colonel,
Morizot has just left the ranks.
Where's he going?
In the central building.
Well done.
The less we see of him, the better.
Congratulations, Colonel.
Your regiment is ready for the carnival.
Marcus, you're an idiot.
You said bravo a second ago?
Those who instigate masturbation
will be punished!
It's Luc!
Karin!
Karin!
Meet up with your woman?
Stop it. One time
then I move on to the next one.
There are too many to stop at one.
Sweetie!
My sweetie!
This is the first time
I've held a boy around the waist.
A boy? Don't insult me.
Sweetie, how I love you.
Lay off, Ernest!
Bye!
That girl is a transvestite!
No she isn't!
-That's crazy.
-You again?
And stop touching my friend Ernest.
Honestly, you've got the touch.
When I think of the messes
I make in France…
When it comes to messes,
you' can't complain.
Rodrigues, I've been looking for you
everywhere. Telephone!
You think I'm going to get him.
You're dreaming.
It's going to cost us
a fortune for nothing.
And what he'll get is punishment
in the hole.
That's why my adjutant would have done.
No, honestly, I'm going to hang up.
Hi, Dad?
Hello? Francis? Incredible.
Is that you, my little Francis?
It can't be. Is it you, Francis?
It's unbelievable.
It's him! Tell me,
my little Francis.
What's happening to you?
We haven't had any news.
You never write. What is going on?
You aren't sick?
No! Not at all. You know how it is.
Yes, I know. You don't need to tell me.
They're killing you, those bastards!
They'll never change. Still so stupid.
Especially the officers!
No, let me assure you.
What do you mean, no? I know how it is.
Don't tell me no? What is that?
Listen, don't let them
mess with you. React!
It's peacetime. Let 'em fuck themselves.
I'm going to come pay a little visit,
I'm warning you.
I'm having dinner
with a German girl tonight.
Listen, my little Francis,
it didn't come from me,
but take a sandwich with you
because they eat like pigs.
I don't care. The girl is super.
What does that mean?
What is "super"? Who is "super"?
What does that mean?
French girls are super.
They're even more super than German girls.
AUTOMOBILE SERVICE STATION
Anton, come.
Thank you, Karl.
Hello, Mom and Dad.
Maria, lots of yelling.
We wanted to return the car
before her parents returned.
Maria, nice!
You and Maria?
Me, many. Ingrid, Isabelle…
Angele.
Is it broken?
No.
You're as stubborn as my daughter.
So we should get to know each other.
Come for a picnic with us on Sunday.
Nice! Very nice.
Yes, nice. But I didn't come here to pray.
Where are the French barracks?
With the soldiers?
You don't understand? No comprehension?
I don't understand. No.
This guy doesn't even understand German.
All right, how much?
-Fifty marks, please.
-He understands that.
There you go.
The military barracks with the soldiers?
French military barracks?
-Oh yes.
-Here we go, he understands.
You take the Wilhelmstrasse,
at the end of this street,
right, Kaiserstrasse then left
on the Olchingerstro. And right again.
Then take the Morgart Street
then Buger Street…
Then continue straight ahead.
Then you take
main street, Vienna Street…
And you've arrived at your destination.
Well, that's simple, isn't it?
When it's clear, we can understand.
It just has to be spelled out. Thank you.
Let's go, accelerate.
You're sleeping.
Remind me to shoot that prick.
Let's go. This is no time for flirting.
Speaking of flirting,
you pay a woman to blow you off.
A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl.
Turns you on, my adjutant?
Call me sir. My God!
Sir, would you like me to organize
a little meeting?
You'd do that, soldier?
Let's go Rodriguez. You'll rest tomorrow.
It's not too heavy?
No, I'm used to it.
I thought you still dressed this way.
What?
It's…
Let's just say I'm grateful
my friends in Algiers can't see me.
Otherwise, they'd be laughing.
We spend the whole week at home,
so on Sundays we walk.
Yes, a nice change.
Schnapps?
No, thank you. Finished.
I'm kaput!
Do you know what couscous is?
Couscous?
What is couscous?
Couscous. Like sauerkraut?
We eat sauerkraut, yeah.
There you go. Sauerkraut
and couscous, it's the same!
They're the same?
Because sauerkraut is semolina.
And lard is from mutton.
And frankfurters are like merguez.
They're the same, equal.
I love you.
Love you.
No, it's "I love you."
Okay.
You love me.
Is it the same?
Yeah.
They love each other.
We don't care.
We love each other.
We love each other.
Gently, Lieutenant.
Gently. You're going to break it.
Excuse me, my captain.
Commencing Operation Bretzel
on a Sunday night!
That's vicious.
The general didn't accept
the samba from the other day.
Is the colonel here?
Yes, in the garden
tending to his pumpkins.
His pumpkins.
His pumpkins.
That's all we need.
Is it serious?
Serious about his pumpkins?
Two things are important to this man:
his pumpkins and his stripes.
We have no choice. We have to go.
And the men who are out on the town?
We have to get them back and quickly.
Thank you for coming.
We'll save them, Marcus!
Just a few more drops here.
My colonel, the General called.
This is always the hardest part.
They can grow
with sun, water, light, that's all.
No noise, no commotion.
Yes, colonel, on the subject of commotion,
the General called.
Very well.
He's commencing Operation Bretzel.
But Marcus,
why didn't you tell me earlier?
Express yourself!
Don't keep it all inside.
Liberate your voice!
I told you as soon as I knew, my colonel!
You should have told me before.
Before I knew?
You must understand:
to command is to forewarn,
and to forewarn is to avoid
the unavoidable.
-Yes?
-Sorry.
The adjutant never stops.
Sir, call him sir!
He takes a while with the laundry girl,
so imagine a transvestite.
You're going to finish
your service with us?
No.
Now I see what stupidity I must do
to be taken seriously.
And reformed!
Look out.
Oh, damn, he looks like he liked it.
Grab your stuff. You're outta here.
Me?
Are you making those gestures to Miranda?
Yes. I think she likes me.
Not for long.
That's not cool.
Operation Bretzel.
Operation Bretzel.
We've got to get the men.
Bouttain, you need to drink a bit less.
But…
Come on, hurry up.
We need to find everyone.
Go on, hurry!
The soldiers to the base!
Immediately, execute orders!
I'm not French!
Okay, tell it to the captain.
Another drink, my captain?
No, thank you. I'm on duty
monitoring Operation Bretzel.
Can we take you somewhere, Captain?
No, thank you. I have my car,
badly parked outside.
-We didn't see it.
-Jokesters.
Well, General, you surprised us,
but it's a joy.
Oh colonel. It's a catastrophe.
I'm terribly sorry, General, but a
little dog has just burst in the room.
Hey, go lie down.
They stole my car.
This is not the time to bother me
about a car.
Yeah, but it was brand-new.
Precisely, you never even had time
to get attached.
My apologies, General, the little dog
appears to have calmed down.
What's the news?
We hardly found any, and the
lieutenant left with the armory keys.
It's going even better than I imagined.
No problems.
It's going smoothly. And Captain Marcus,
who personally responsible
for Operation Bretzel,
is giving it his absolute all.
There you go, my general.
The police!
Get out. Go by the back door.
Shit, it's already morning!
Luckily, we didn't park it out front.
Don't get in there.
To not be noticed,
we should take their truck!
They said,
"We never park the truck out front.
in case the boss passes
and sees us drinking."
"You're outta here."
Wait for me!
Shit.
The captain is following us.
This time, my captain,
we've done the rounds of all the bars.
Good, well, back to the station.
What a godawful night.
The colonel lost his stripes,
and I lost my car.
Stop!
There's still a good piece over there.
Stop!
Marcus up the ass! Marcus up the ass!
It was stolen by a sadist.
Gently!
You're going to scratch my car.
My Volkswagen was ruined during a chase.
One wing, another wing, the door.
It's the truth! I'm not crazy!
Guys! The Volkswagen.
They're farther down the road, my captain.
St. Christopher.
This time it's ruined.
My captain!
My captain!
My captain!
My captain!
What's going on there?
We've got Marcus by the ass!
Drop the bombs!
Brake!
PLEASE KEEP THE STREETS CLEAN!
Thief! He stole my car!
It's him. He stole my car!
My car!
Follow me.
Luckily, we left on special maneuvers,
because otherwise we'd be disciplined.
We were yelled at enough at the barracks.
We'll have a laugh or two
when we get out, won't we?
All right, let's go.
Lord, I said to follow me!
That's what we did.
Call me sir!
Sir, you simply had to say to as you do!
Oh yes, do as I do.
And we would have done it.
Turtledove here.
We're holding this position.
You're sure, Marcus?
Absolutely, my colonel.
So nothing is less sure.
The French have been found.
We will attack them
from this direction.
The fools.
Go in front.
-He's bad.
-Yes he's bad.
Can we play with you?
Okay! Blue against yellow.
So we form two teams.
-Hi.
-Good day.
Contact established.
Contact established with the French.
We won't let them go.
Here we go again, like in 1940!
Is that an inn?
While on patrol,
we aren't allowed to enter an inn.
You'd prefer we die of thirst?
Innkeeper?
What the hell are you doing here? Hey?
We stopped for a drink, Sergeant.
You and you to the colonel!
The colonel is here?
Very funny.
This is headquarters.
And that's how you move,
hands in your pockets?
Please, don't let me rush you.
You're in deep shit.
Come in.
At ease.
Well done, little guys.
That's what was needed. A bit of audacity.
Gentlemen, I am your prisoner.
Everything is under control!
You think?
I'm prisoner of the yellows.
And you, too, Marcus.
And you think it's under control.
Excuse me, my colonel?
Marcus, good Lord, open your eyes.
These two yellows are menacing me
with their weapons!
Where did you find those?
We were given them this morning.
Bravo, Marcus.
You see, my colonel, my security system.
My colonel, we came in from behind.
Did you go Saint Cyr or War School?
No, my colonel, just a detour for a drink.
Gee, Marcus, are these the little guys
who borrowed your car?
Yes, my colonel, but I haven't
had time to shoot them.
I would say, due to their exploits today,
I'll let them off the hook,
but obviously they're still confined.
She has breasts.
When I think of the jerks who will
flirt with her and I'm stuck here…
It pisses me off!
He only thinks of fucking.
Whose turn is it?
Mine.
Attention!
At ease.
Who does this cupboard belong to?
It's mine, my captain.
Are you afraid you'll starve?
All right, then.
The colonel is organizing a…
What was I saying?
The colonel is organizing…
Yes, thank you my little man. All right.
The garbage. It's empty.
Congratulations.
So the colonel is organizing
a reception, on the first of October,
for the German authorities.
He'd like an orchestra made up
of soldiers from his regiment
to participate in the entertainment
of this celebration.
So,
who plays an instrument?
You know, I only play one instrument.
You would have all been exempted
from chores. Too bad for you!
Attention!
Shit.
You know how to play an instrument?
No, but we should be able to manage.
It's worth a try.
My captain!
I'd prefer to go to sleep.
He'll have a reception to remember!
Come in!
-Hello!
-Hello.
Do you want something?
Yes, you!
I find you too beautiful.
I like your poetic side.
Make your request in three copies,
and it will go up the hierarchy.
Impossible. I'm in a rush.
But we don't know each other.
How can you say that?
I passed you 27 times in the courtyard,
and I watched you
from the window 37 times.
And I went to sleep
thinking of you 93 times.
Okay.
Take me out for a pizza one night.
Impossible. I can't go out. I'm confined.
Then I'll wait.
We can wait. Until the first of October.
That's next Sunday?
Where is my file?
I'm finishing it, my colonel!
Say, soldier, you should really
learn to apply lipstick.
It doesn't look very good.
What are you doing?
Hurry up.
Raoul wants to take advantage
of the colonel's orgy to do Karin.
The station will be deserted.
It's the perfect moment.
Look under his bed.
We gave him a little MASH.
Just for fun. Lie down.
You're Raoul. I'm Karin.
Let's pretend.
I'm not worried.
You'll start snoring right away.
It works!
You've connected it to the siren?
Nice work!
The siren's breaking down.
I'm not going to fix it.
To Karin.
To Karin!
To my paddock, guys!
To the siren.
No!
To the siren… That's totally crazy.
Keep drinking!
Hey, friends, to the colonel's reception.
How do you say,
"You have a French colonel?"
He's going overboard!
It's normal. He's flirting with her!
I'll punch him.
You love your pumpkins too much.
I love my pumpkins too much.
What did she say?
She's right, Lessard. You need true love
to accept your fantasies.
Colonel, my daughter loves
one of your soldiers.
One of my men, dear madam.
This boy will never be a soldier.
A very good year.
Thank you.
Mouton Rothschild 1947.
To be enjoyed exclusively
among connoisseurs. It's priceless.
What a shame! Such a good wine!
The oil isn't hot enough.
Excuse me, madam.
Lots of shouting.
Yes, quite a lot, thank you.
It's hot enough.
Disgusting!
I learned French, sir.
Madam, may I have this dance?
More shouting?
I want to do my military service!
I did say we should reform him.
We've formed the first ever
serial dance orchestra.
You're the first in the world
to do serial dance.
Wonderful, my little guy!
Should we put him in the hole right now,
or at the end?
Still so stupid, Marcus.
We're going to dance the serial,
and you'll be the star.
Madame la Bourguemestre,
may I have this serial dance?
This is a world first,
following those bizarre events.
We should probably go and see!
-Are you on duty?
-No!
So don't worry about it.
If you want to last, check yourself.
Do you hear it?
Harder, faster, my little Raoul.
I can't with that damn siren.
Don't stop. You were wonderful, honey.
You're wonderful.
Wonderful.
Marcus, that's the siren from the station!
I thought it was the band!
Colonel, do you hear it?
It's serial, nice isn't it?
-The siren!
-Here we go!
I thought it was the orchestra, damn it!
Private Raoul Sallois,
France is proud of you.
Colonel, can I take you?
Mr. le Bourguemestre.
Colonel, the general is on
the phone for you!
Tell him I left.
The French are always laughing.
My general, the colonel said he left.
Let's go!
Who is the fucker
who messed with the siren?
Luckily, the Russians can't see us now.
It's not connected, my captain.
ALARM
Ladies and gentlemen, in a French
military barracks in Germany.
-You speak French?
-Of course. To live with you!
Cut!
The siren is going by itself.
How old is it?
Lessard! Your stars are in your pocket.
And they'll stay there.
Karin!
When can we start again?
Subtitle translation by: Margaret Winn
What would this fellow
like to eat for lunch?
Pigs ears.
Assembly!
And on the double!
In lines of eight!
I want to see only one head!
Faster than that!
Silence in the ranks!
Hurry up, you.
Head up!
I have to do her.
Yes, but you mustn't.
She's the colonel's secretary.
You'd really be in deep shit.
-There's one dick missing.
-Yes, boss!
You've got thirty seconds,
otherwise your naked ass is outta here!
You need to get up.
Shit. No, I won't!
You're going to get me in trouble.
Don't be such an idiot.
I don't give a damn.
Not for you, nor the others.
I've had enough of this.
If you don't go down these stairs
quickly then we'll help.
It's over! Over!
Stay here!
Go ahead, Finclair!
Sir! Get them moving.
Company attention!
Right turn!
Straight ahead, and…
Hut, two, three, four!
There's nothing to it, no need
for intelligence, just look at me!
Eyes right!
I put on the uniform, I change,
and I'm sick of it.
I'm outta here!
You'll still have enough
to mess around with.
Hey, make them sing!
Little birds, birds, birds
Who eat the dung, dung, dung
Little birds, birds, birds
Don't fly away, way, way
Cause if you go, go, go
The dung will stay, stay, stay
So Luc.
-That is your name, Luc?
-Yes.
Yes, colonel.
Drop it, Marcus.
The exterior forms of respect
have changed in the modern army.
Alas, my colonel.
So, little guy, you're sick of the army?
Are you shocked?
My colonel.
Yes, it shocks me.
I feel like I've landed on a planet
full of idiots.
Marcus! Did you hear that?
You haven't yet discovered the benefits
of today's army, my little guy.
We're all living here, together,
shoulder to shoulder.
Virile friendship.
I want to go home.
My colonel. Sorry.
Marcus, shit!
It's automatic, my colonel.
Listen little guy, you're going back
to your comrades.
If you revolt, the army will control you.
And break you. For a long time.
In contradiction,
the army only rejects crazies.
Go, you're no crazy.
Marcus, you've got to write
another welcome speech.
Why? The current one is dated?
I have to tell you, Marcus,
your speech lacks balls.
In France, we don't have gasoline.
By attaching two cars together,
we can save energy, my colonel.
Not a bad idea, is it?
It's an idea that's worth
ten days in the pit.
Those laundry girls are naked
under their dresses.
You bet. I ogle them a little.
I've had a two-week dry spell.
Guys, don't get impatient.
If the adjutant is the same,
there's about a 15-minute wait.
As if he's in there
banging a girl right now.
No way.
What the heck am I doing here?
They don't speak a word of French.
Nonsense.
They speak exactly
the same language as us.
I've never seen stupider.
Hey, don't be so shy!
Fortunately, the beds are clean.
Kids,
the quality of a bed, comma,
depends essentially, comma,
on the girl one brings to it. Full stop.
Think they'll give me one?
Don't complain about going to the hole.
I thought they were going to sack you!
-Me too.
-Luc!
If you want to pass for crazy,
stop thinking of quitting.
-Things will happen to you!
-Here!
If you get hungry.
Going to go to bed late tonight?
Not going to get a good sleep?
-You've known her for long?
-A month.
-The corporal will take his shot.
-Yes.
Fucking rules!
Another 15 days to go.
-See you!
-Ciao!
Attention!
At ease!
You're heading out to release
the kangaroo, Corporal?
Yes, sir.
Corporal,
what is the state of the garbage?
Full, sir.
And if the rules were applied,
in what state would it be in?
-Empty, sir.
-Good.
You know the rules,
but you don't apply them.
So your naked ass is staying put!
No, sir!
Your little soirée is finished.
Good night!
Asshole!
Pasta, Captain?
Yes, with pleasure, my colonel.
You should monitor the soldiers' food
more often, my captain.
A little tasteless, isn't it?
You have to be hungry, my colonel.
My father has a little restaurant.
I've never seen him serve pasta
with split peas.
Your opinion, Captain?
It's not bad.
No, it's not bad. It's horrible!
Colonel, I'm no cook. I'm an accountant.
I told the captain.
I've got too many accountants, my colonel.
You're going to be called before
the captain, one after the other.
And I'm going to teach you
how to properly introduce yourself
to an officer.
You! Come here.
Introduce yourself, title and all.
Private Sallois.
Couldn't hear you, not at all.
Did you hear anything?
Nothing at all! And I even know his name.
Did he talk, Raoul?
All right. Go to the end of the field
and yell so we can hear you.
Go! On the double.
Farther, go.
Introduce yourself!
Private Sallois!
-I didn't understand.
-You either?
Can you yell, yes or no?
An officer shouldn't have
to strain to hear.
Private Sallois!
-What did he say?
-It's very faint, isn't it?
Come back, Private.
Private Sallois!
In one minute, the time will be one a.m.
Gilles Quicot will give you
the latest news.
As for me, I'm signing off.
Good night and see you tomorrow.
I can't sleep.
Can't sleep either, can you?
Well, we've got no choice.
Before being called up,
I slept with a nice girl
but she snored!
Oh my God!
She snored before or during?
You bunch of jerks.
If you had seen her tits!
One and two and…
One and company halt!
To the left.
Post the colors.
Camp salute!
What in God's name?
Corporal Muller! Here, on the double!
For having shown your ass to the flag,
you're heading to the hole!
My colonel, Captain Marcus
has a stitch in his side.
You're telling me this
on your own initiative
or at the request of the captain?
My own initiative, my colonel.
In that case, Finclair,
go look after my secretary instead.
She's in better shape than your captain.
Are you coming?
Move, Lessard. It's slow going.
If you need anything, miss.
If Karin needs anything,
I'm here, Finclair.
It's not by going jogging
that my men will be ready
if the general commences
Operation Bretzel!
Is Operation Bretzel
the combined German maneuvers?
We must activate
the preparation of the recruits.
I'm worried that the General
won't commence Operation Bretzel.
Indeed, my colonel.
On that point,
captain Marcus is worried that…
You've got worries, Captain?
The recruits aren't…
They're just not ready.
I'm afraid the general…
Operation Bretzel has…
Listen, Marcus. One, your men are ready,
and two, I'm delighted
that Operation Bretzel is advancing. So…
So my worries are unfounded.
That changes everything.
Marcus, coffee?
Hot chocolate!
To your ranks, now!
Coffee or hot chocolate.
What do you suggest, little guy?
It will be.
Coffee or hot chocolate?
It's all the same.
Let me try one and your captain the other.
So?
Well, it's disgusting, my colonel.
Let me try.
It's wonderful!
Quality-wise, you can't differentiate
between the coffee and the hot chocolate.
Both are…
My captain, it's my shoelace.
Is it chocolate?
No? So it's my right shoe.
Luc, hey!
Hey, Francis.
Luc might get kicked out this time.
Maybe. Spoiling food
is crazy, that's for certain.
-Lucky. They'll knock him out.
-So what?
-Go on pass!
-Pass it here!
I'm sorry.
-You don't speak French.
-No.
And if an officer passes, I'm in big shit!
Hey, no! Come back!
I can't wait to sleep tonight.
What are you doing there, Corporal?
I'm playing soccer, my captain.
Soccer? All alone?
Well, it would be better to play
with others, but umm…
You must all be totally nuts!
Go, join your comrades.
Can I, my captain?
Shit!
I find you…
I find you…
Very beautiful.
Very beautiful.
We do too!
Sixty-seven.
Sixty-eight.
Sixty-nine.
Seventy.
Seventy-one.
Seventy-two.
Seventy-three.
Seventy-four.
Seventy-five.
Seventy-six.
Seventy-seven.
Seventy-eight.
Jump and we'll hold the barrier.
Go quick! You'll see.
Another one!
Papers!
Let me pass. We're not here to play games.
True. Here's the sergeant.
At least tell me your name.
Karin. But that stays between us.
Number four, you're dead. On your back.
Finally, I can sleep.
Wait, I'll stay here with you.
Me, sir? I couldn't hear you.
No, not you. But now you're dead too.
Thank you, sir!
Wash this for me. It's pretty dirty.
Shit!
We're getting tired.
I'm pissed off.
Washing a clean tank is a stupid idea.
-A military idea.
-Here!
They let you go?
Dropping your shoes in the breakfast
doesn't constitute an act of madness
in the eyes of the military medics.
No. It only proves that
I have a certain aggressiveness
in me that I control badly.
The idiots!
Sallois, Rodriguez!
Here we go again!
Sallois on the controls.
The magnifying glass through which
you can focus on the target
magnifies by more than fifty times.
Sir, can Rodriguez look through the lens?
Certainly, soldier.
The magnifying glass
considerably increases
the efficiency of the tank.
That's clear, sir.
Hey, guys. Point that way.
There's some ass over there.
Let the guys know.
Why are you moving the turret?
I mustn't lose our target, sir.
Do it again. Your right hand
must slap your thigh.
Not hard enough. Again!
It seems useless. But that's the army.
My car is impeccable.
There's a bit of a breeze here.
You're worried about a breeze?
No. But little breezes bring dust
and dust scratches the car.
Get to work.
Got a cigarette?
No. Do you want me to get some for you?
The canteen is closed.
The canteen? I'm going to town.
Now?
You're not very bright.
Get down, guys. Go on, get down.
I'm going to buy cigarettes.
Corporal!
-Sir!
-Who is driving the tank?
-Morizot.
-Morizot?
That fool? Not true.
It's Morizot!
My captain, Morizot, the crazy one,
went to buy cigarettes
in a tank.
Buying cigarettes in a tank.
Morizot.
Well, what could be more normal?
Right? Marcus!
Marcus, go take a quick jog
because this is starting to get old,
right?
I…
Marcus! Come back and pick up the phone.
Pick up the phone, Marcus.
This is the German Police…
The Germans.
Yes, I heard that part. What do they want?
They're wondering why one of our tanks
is patrolling Main Street.
Well, tell them that one of our soldiers
went to buy cigarettes.
What's the problem?
Gauloises, please.
Hurry. I double parked my tank.
Here, on Main Street.
How to stop a tank
in the middle of a city?
We can't fire at it because it's a tank.
No, Marcus. No we cannot. No.
I can stop it
with a sign that says "halt",
which I'll show, and the tank will stop.
Not for a Frenchman.
For a German, yes, a sign works.
But not for us French!
Can you help me?
You're totally crazy, aren't you?
He's crazy. Help him, Marcus.
I didn't know smoking was prohibited.
At ease!
It's Luc.
Young Frenchmen.
Over the last month,
you've put in an effort,
for which I congratulate you.
Marcus, no. They did their duty.
Just their duty. Continue.
Before embarking on the task
for which you've prepared yourselves,
you have the right to go out this evening.
In the midst of these people
who welcome us,
you'll be representing the French Army.
France herself.
Meaning that I'm counting on you
and on your irreproachable behavior.
Marcus, don't forget they're 20 years old.
Go ahead, little guys.
But obviously, with order and discipline!
Lenoir!
My adjutant.
Call me sir.
Sir?
Your permission, now it's nothing.
It was for fun, sir.
Well, soldier, for a laugh,
you're being punished!
That asshole is sending me to the hole.
Great. You'll be able to sleep.
You, going?
You came to see me?
Yes, of course!
What did you want to say to me?
So many things, funny things,
then not so funny things.
Tender things?
Yes, those things especially!
Get in, then!
Hey, guys! I climbed out!
You're not very bright.
Look out!
Hey, little guys!
Maria!
Hey, guys!
-Nice idea, inviting Maria.
-We'll have a great evening.
Super! You're really great guys! Bye!
After my military service?
Yes.
Am I bothering you?
Would one of you be interested
in a French connection?
What?
Shit. This is going to be tough.
Does it interest you--
Is this your seat?
-Hello.
-Greetings.
I'm happy I could come this time.
I remember you told me
that you like candies.
Just a little,
but my children like them a lot.
Teeny, Christiane, Ingrid, Michael.
Oh, candies!
What do we say?
Thank you!
Ok, well… Goodbye.
You're not going to tell me
you're falling for this guy.
She doesn't understand what you said.
Wait. He is impotent.
-He cannot.
-All right, let's go.
-He has a tiny pee pee.
-Stop! We're going.
Admit it!
With him, you'll have
a false idea of the French pee pee.
Pee pee? What is a pee pee?
You were wonderful! Really wonderful!
What a voice you've got!
How did you hear about me?
Through the telescopic lens.
He's cute!
So you're doing your military service?
We did ours last year.
Right, Ernest?
Just a moment.
That's me. And that's him.
You wouldn't recognize him in uniform.
I really want to kiss you.
Can I come up to your bedroom with you?
-Are you the little Frenchman?
-Yes, ma'am.
You seem perfectly nice.
But my husband is a little
old fashioned. He said,
"Why would she be interested in
a Frenchman
when there are so many young Germans?"
He's not wrong.
And in a few months you'll leave,
and Maria will cry a lot.
You should leave Maria
to the Germans, okay?
And the common market?
Good night.
Come in, Maria.
A little sentimental walk?
Over and done with. Forget about it!
Did she like your candies?
Much more than I had hoped.
-Super.
-Yes, super.
I was telling them.
Miranda, what a marvel.
I've already slept with many.
You can't imagine that, can you?
A big surprise.
A very big surprise.
Going to see Maria?
I'm going to the hole.
No way. Well, you and me both!
How was it with Maria?
It's stupid, but I think I love her.
Shit!
And you?
German girls. Whistle at them
and they come. They're deprived of love.
No, not in the garbage!
Never in the garbage.
I don't want to get into trouble.
Hey, guys. Luc is coming back tomorrow.
He mustn't be that crazy.
That was what I said.
And what about them?
No clue! Ciao!
You gonna own up to the thing?
Obviously. That's the whole point.
I can't wait to go to bed.
I've got better things to do.
Get out. I'll show you.
Oh man.
To your ranks!
Who did this?
Who dared?
Me, my captain.
Well, now I understand because
it's nice not to be crazy, but still.
You're completely crazy!
That's what I keep telling you.
No, he's not crazy, Marcus,
not crazy at all.
He is not crazy at all.
What he needs is the…
Faster, eat grass.
Crawl until you reach the river.
And when you get there,
you can find your own way back.
We've got a nice treat.
Here!
We won't eat you!
Help! I'm drowning!
Hey! Come back!
Come on! Don't be scared of the French.
We're waiting for you.
They'll have to return naked,
those sons of bitches.
Hey, guys, they took everything.
You're sure it was here?
Now we're in trouble.
Who could have done this?
Are you kidding?
Those bitches!
Excuse us ladies,
but we'd love to get our clothes back.
And our guns.
Unless you'd like to complete
our military service for us.
You look smart, but you're totally stupid.
Put everything back as it was.
We didn't find anything.
Obviously!
Miss.
We have no clothes.
That's the farm.
She wasn't lying!
I'm going back to thank her.
No, we don't have time.
And the girls?
Inside.
Not sure I'll find pants in my size.
Eat less.
We'll make this sound
to recognize each other.
And the answer will be…
We're well versed
in reciprocal tenderness.
Now we wait for dark.
Not now.
What are you saying?
My love.
What is it?
I'm looking for pants.
You're French? Paris, pretty girls…
It's not a farm. It's a whorehouse!
Sir, do you hear that?
What, soldier?
I hear a horse.
A horse?
Come, Abel.
Sir!
Sir, our clothing.
Have it washed by that lady
you know so well.
She never refuses you.
Hello.
You'd better, Sergeant.
Heads right, right!
I think he's very happy.
My colonel,
Morizot has just left the ranks.
Where's he going?
In the central building.
Well done.
The less we see of him, the better.
Congratulations, Colonel.
Your regiment is ready for the carnival.
Marcus, you're an idiot.
You said bravo a second ago?
Those who instigate masturbation
will be punished!
It's Luc!
Karin!
Karin!
Meet up with your woman?
Stop it. One time
then I move on to the next one.
There are too many to stop at one.
Sweetie!
My sweetie!
This is the first time
I've held a boy around the waist.
A boy? Don't insult me.
Sweetie, how I love you.
Lay off, Ernest!
Bye!
That girl is a transvestite!
No she isn't!
-That's crazy.
-You again?
And stop touching my friend Ernest.
Honestly, you've got the touch.
When I think of the messes
I make in France…
When it comes to messes,
you' can't complain.
Rodrigues, I've been looking for you
everywhere. Telephone!
You think I'm going to get him.
You're dreaming.
It's going to cost us
a fortune for nothing.
And what he'll get is punishment
in the hole.
That's why my adjutant would have done.
No, honestly, I'm going to hang up.
Hi, Dad?
Hello? Francis? Incredible.
Is that you, my little Francis?
It can't be. Is it you, Francis?
It's unbelievable.
It's him! Tell me,
my little Francis.
What's happening to you?
We haven't had any news.
You never write. What is going on?
You aren't sick?
No! Not at all. You know how it is.
Yes, I know. You don't need to tell me.
They're killing you, those bastards!
They'll never change. Still so stupid.
Especially the officers!
No, let me assure you.
What do you mean, no? I know how it is.
Don't tell me no? What is that?
Listen, don't let them
mess with you. React!
It's peacetime. Let 'em fuck themselves.
I'm going to come pay a little visit,
I'm warning you.
I'm having dinner
with a German girl tonight.
Listen, my little Francis,
it didn't come from me,
but take a sandwich with you
because they eat like pigs.
I don't care. The girl is super.
What does that mean?
What is "super"? Who is "super"?
What does that mean?
French girls are super.
They're even more super than German girls.
AUTOMOBILE SERVICE STATION
Anton, come.
Thank you, Karl.
Hello, Mom and Dad.
Maria, lots of yelling.
We wanted to return the car
before her parents returned.
Maria, nice!
You and Maria?
Me, many. Ingrid, Isabelle…
Angele.
Is it broken?
No.
You're as stubborn as my daughter.
So we should get to know each other.
Come for a picnic with us on Sunday.
Nice! Very nice.
Yes, nice. But I didn't come here to pray.
Where are the French barracks?
With the soldiers?
You don't understand? No comprehension?
I don't understand. No.
This guy doesn't even understand German.
All right, how much?
-Fifty marks, please.
-He understands that.
There you go.
The military barracks with the soldiers?
French military barracks?
-Oh yes.
-Here we go, he understands.
You take the Wilhelmstrasse,
at the end of this street,
right, Kaiserstrasse then left
on the Olchingerstro. And right again.
Then take the Morgart Street
then Buger Street…
Then continue straight ahead.
Then you take
main street, Vienna Street…
And you've arrived at your destination.
Well, that's simple, isn't it?
When it's clear, we can understand.
It just has to be spelled out. Thank you.
Let's go, accelerate.
You're sleeping.
Remind me to shoot that prick.
Let's go. This is no time for flirting.
Speaking of flirting,
you pay a woman to blow you off.
A beautiful girl is a beautiful girl.
Turns you on, my adjutant?
Call me sir. My God!
Sir, would you like me to organize
a little meeting?
You'd do that, soldier?
Let's go Rodriguez. You'll rest tomorrow.
It's not too heavy?
No, I'm used to it.
I thought you still dressed this way.
What?
It's…
Let's just say I'm grateful
my friends in Algiers can't see me.
Otherwise, they'd be laughing.
We spend the whole week at home,
so on Sundays we walk.
Yes, a nice change.
Schnapps?
No, thank you. Finished.
I'm kaput!
Do you know what couscous is?
Couscous?
What is couscous?
Couscous. Like sauerkraut?
We eat sauerkraut, yeah.
There you go. Sauerkraut
and couscous, it's the same!
They're the same?
Because sauerkraut is semolina.
And lard is from mutton.
And frankfurters are like merguez.
They're the same, equal.
I love you.
Love you.
No, it's "I love you."
Okay.
You love me.
Is it the same?
Yeah.
They love each other.
We don't care.
We love each other.
We love each other.
Gently, Lieutenant.
Gently. You're going to break it.
Excuse me, my captain.
Commencing Operation Bretzel
on a Sunday night!
That's vicious.
The general didn't accept
the samba from the other day.
Is the colonel here?
Yes, in the garden
tending to his pumpkins.
His pumpkins.
His pumpkins.
That's all we need.
Is it serious?
Serious about his pumpkins?
Two things are important to this man:
his pumpkins and his stripes.
We have no choice. We have to go.
And the men who are out on the town?
We have to get them back and quickly.
Thank you for coming.
We'll save them, Marcus!
Just a few more drops here.
My colonel, the General called.
This is always the hardest part.
They can grow
with sun, water, light, that's all.
No noise, no commotion.
Yes, colonel, on the subject of commotion,
the General called.
Very well.
He's commencing Operation Bretzel.
But Marcus,
why didn't you tell me earlier?
Express yourself!
Don't keep it all inside.
Liberate your voice!
I told you as soon as I knew, my colonel!
You should have told me before.
Before I knew?
You must understand:
to command is to forewarn,
and to forewarn is to avoid
the unavoidable.
-Yes?
-Sorry.
The adjutant never stops.
Sir, call him sir!
He takes a while with the laundry girl,
so imagine a transvestite.
You're going to finish
your service with us?
No.
Now I see what stupidity I must do
to be taken seriously.
And reformed!
Look out.
Oh, damn, he looks like he liked it.
Grab your stuff. You're outta here.
Me?
Are you making those gestures to Miranda?
Yes. I think she likes me.
Not for long.
That's not cool.
Operation Bretzel.
Operation Bretzel.
We've got to get the men.
Bouttain, you need to drink a bit less.
But…
Come on, hurry up.
We need to find everyone.
Go on, hurry!
The soldiers to the base!
Immediately, execute orders!
I'm not French!
Okay, tell it to the captain.
Another drink, my captain?
No, thank you. I'm on duty
monitoring Operation Bretzel.
Can we take you somewhere, Captain?
No, thank you. I have my car,
badly parked outside.
-We didn't see it.
-Jokesters.
Well, General, you surprised us,
but it's a joy.
Oh colonel. It's a catastrophe.
I'm terribly sorry, General, but a
little dog has just burst in the room.
Hey, go lie down.
They stole my car.
This is not the time to bother me
about a car.
Yeah, but it was brand-new.
Precisely, you never even had time
to get attached.
My apologies, General, the little dog
appears to have calmed down.
What's the news?
We hardly found any, and the
lieutenant left with the armory keys.
It's going even better than I imagined.
No problems.
It's going smoothly. And Captain Marcus,
who personally responsible
for Operation Bretzel,
is giving it his absolute all.
There you go, my general.
The police!
Get out. Go by the back door.
Shit, it's already morning!
Luckily, we didn't park it out front.
Don't get in there.
To not be noticed,
we should take their truck!
They said,
"We never park the truck out front.
in case the boss passes
and sees us drinking."
"You're outta here."
Wait for me!
Shit.
The captain is following us.
This time, my captain,
we've done the rounds of all the bars.
Good, well, back to the station.
What a godawful night.
The colonel lost his stripes,
and I lost my car.
Stop!
There's still a good piece over there.
Stop!
Marcus up the ass! Marcus up the ass!
It was stolen by a sadist.
Gently!
You're going to scratch my car.
My Volkswagen was ruined during a chase.
One wing, another wing, the door.
It's the truth! I'm not crazy!
Guys! The Volkswagen.
They're farther down the road, my captain.
St. Christopher.
This time it's ruined.
My captain!
My captain!
My captain!
My captain!
What's going on there?
We've got Marcus by the ass!
Drop the bombs!
Brake!
PLEASE KEEP THE STREETS CLEAN!
Thief! He stole my car!
It's him. He stole my car!
My car!
Follow me.
Luckily, we left on special maneuvers,
because otherwise we'd be disciplined.
We were yelled at enough at the barracks.
We'll have a laugh or two
when we get out, won't we?
All right, let's go.
Lord, I said to follow me!
That's what we did.
Call me sir!
Sir, you simply had to say to as you do!
Oh yes, do as I do.
And we would have done it.
Turtledove here.
We're holding this position.
You're sure, Marcus?
Absolutely, my colonel.
So nothing is less sure.
The French have been found.
We will attack them
from this direction.
The fools.
Go in front.
-He's bad.
-Yes he's bad.
Can we play with you?
Okay! Blue against yellow.
So we form two teams.
-Hi.
-Good day.
Contact established.
Contact established with the French.
We won't let them go.
Here we go again, like in 1940!
Is that an inn?
While on patrol,
we aren't allowed to enter an inn.
You'd prefer we die of thirst?
Innkeeper?
What the hell are you doing here? Hey?
We stopped for a drink, Sergeant.
You and you to the colonel!
The colonel is here?
Very funny.
This is headquarters.
And that's how you move,
hands in your pockets?
Please, don't let me rush you.
You're in deep shit.
Come in.
At ease.
Well done, little guys.
That's what was needed. A bit of audacity.
Gentlemen, I am your prisoner.
Everything is under control!
You think?
I'm prisoner of the yellows.
And you, too, Marcus.
And you think it's under control.
Excuse me, my colonel?
Marcus, good Lord, open your eyes.
These two yellows are menacing me
with their weapons!
Where did you find those?
We were given them this morning.
Bravo, Marcus.
You see, my colonel, my security system.
My colonel, we came in from behind.
Did you go Saint Cyr or War School?
No, my colonel, just a detour for a drink.
Gee, Marcus, are these the little guys
who borrowed your car?
Yes, my colonel, but I haven't
had time to shoot them.
I would say, due to their exploits today,
I'll let them off the hook,
but obviously they're still confined.
She has breasts.
When I think of the jerks who will
flirt with her and I'm stuck here…
It pisses me off!
He only thinks of fucking.
Whose turn is it?
Mine.
Attention!
At ease.
Who does this cupboard belong to?
It's mine, my captain.
Are you afraid you'll starve?
All right, then.
The colonel is organizing a…
What was I saying?
The colonel is organizing…
Yes, thank you my little man. All right.
The garbage. It's empty.
Congratulations.
So the colonel is organizing
a reception, on the first of October,
for the German authorities.
He'd like an orchestra made up
of soldiers from his regiment
to participate in the entertainment
of this celebration.
So,
who plays an instrument?
You know, I only play one instrument.
You would have all been exempted
from chores. Too bad for you!
Attention!
Shit.
You know how to play an instrument?
No, but we should be able to manage.
It's worth a try.
My captain!
I'd prefer to go to sleep.
He'll have a reception to remember!
Come in!
-Hello!
-Hello.
Do you want something?
Yes, you!
I find you too beautiful.
I like your poetic side.
Make your request in three copies,
and it will go up the hierarchy.
Impossible. I'm in a rush.
But we don't know each other.
How can you say that?
I passed you 27 times in the courtyard,
and I watched you
from the window 37 times.
And I went to sleep
thinking of you 93 times.
Okay.
Take me out for a pizza one night.
Impossible. I can't go out. I'm confined.
Then I'll wait.
We can wait. Until the first of October.
That's next Sunday?
Where is my file?
I'm finishing it, my colonel!
Say, soldier, you should really
learn to apply lipstick.
It doesn't look very good.
What are you doing?
Hurry up.
Raoul wants to take advantage
of the colonel's orgy to do Karin.
The station will be deserted.
It's the perfect moment.
Look under his bed.
We gave him a little MASH.
Just for fun. Lie down.
You're Raoul. I'm Karin.
Let's pretend.
I'm not worried.
You'll start snoring right away.
It works!
You've connected it to the siren?
Nice work!
The siren's breaking down.
I'm not going to fix it.
To Karin.
To Karin!
To my paddock, guys!
To the siren.
No!
To the siren… That's totally crazy.
Keep drinking!
Hey, friends, to the colonel's reception.
How do you say,
"You have a French colonel?"
He's going overboard!
It's normal. He's flirting with her!
I'll punch him.
You love your pumpkins too much.
I love my pumpkins too much.
What did she say?
She's right, Lessard. You need true love
to accept your fantasies.
Colonel, my daughter loves
one of your soldiers.
One of my men, dear madam.
This boy will never be a soldier.
A very good year.
Thank you.
Mouton Rothschild 1947.
To be enjoyed exclusively
among connoisseurs. It's priceless.
What a shame! Such a good wine!
The oil isn't hot enough.
Excuse me, madam.
Lots of shouting.
Yes, quite a lot, thank you.
It's hot enough.
Disgusting!
I learned French, sir.
Madam, may I have this dance?
More shouting?
I want to do my military service!
I did say we should reform him.
We've formed the first ever
serial dance orchestra.
You're the first in the world
to do serial dance.
Wonderful, my little guy!
Should we put him in the hole right now,
or at the end?
Still so stupid, Marcus.
We're going to dance the serial,
and you'll be the star.
Madame la Bourguemestre,
may I have this serial dance?
This is a world first,
following those bizarre events.
We should probably go and see!
-Are you on duty?
-No!
So don't worry about it.
If you want to last, check yourself.
Do you hear it?
Harder, faster, my little Raoul.
I can't with that damn siren.
Don't stop. You were wonderful, honey.
You're wonderful.
Wonderful.
Marcus, that's the siren from the station!
I thought it was the band!
Colonel, do you hear it?
It's serial, nice isn't it?
-The siren!
-Here we go!
I thought it was the orchestra, damn it!
Private Raoul Sallois,
France is proud of you.
Colonel, can I take you?
Mr. le Bourguemestre.
Colonel, the general is on
the phone for you!
Tell him I left.
The French are always laughing.
My general, the colonel said he left.
Let's go!
Who is the fucker
who messed with the siren?
Luckily, the Russians can't see us now.
It's not connected, my captain.
ALARM
Ladies and gentlemen, in a French
military barracks in Germany.
-You speak French?
-Of course. To live with you!
Cut!
The siren is going by itself.
How old is it?
Lessard! Your stars are in your pocket.
And they'll stay there.
Karin!
When can we start again?
Subtitle translation by: Margaret Winn